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1
00:00:00,437 --> 00:00:03,802
Steve: Beware!
For evil lurks within these woods!
2
00:00:04,426 --> 00:00:07,872
I, your Pixie guide,
welcome you, brave travelers,
3
00:00:07,942 --> 00:00:09,808
Snotly Goldweaver,
4
00:00:09,876 --> 00:00:11,944
Toshitus Wolfsbane,
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,430
Drew of Barrymore.
6
00:00:14,465 --> 00:00:17,349
You must save the fair
maiden from peril.
7
00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:18,500
Oh, no!
8
00:00:18,568 --> 00:00:20,302
Is peril like danger?!
9
00:00:20,370 --> 00:00:21,503
Yes!
10
00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:22,904
We've discussed this.
11
00:00:22,973 --> 00:00:24,572
And it comes in the form
12
00:00:24,641 --> 00:00:27,776
of a red lightning
storm from the warlocks.
13
00:00:27,844 --> 00:00:30,512
[Warbling]
14
00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:32,847
A home intruder.
15
00:00:32,849 --> 00:00:36,184
You outrun the storm
on your noble steeds.
16
00:00:36,252 --> 00:00:37,852
[Clacking]
17
00:00:37,854 --> 00:00:39,854
And he's on horseback!
18
00:00:39,923 --> 00:00:42,524
I always knew I'd have to kill a horse.
19
00:00:42,592 --> 00:00:46,328
To the west,
you hear a fair goblin maiden.
20
00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:48,596
[Harshly] Help!
21
00:00:48,665 --> 00:00:50,598
I'm imprisoned in an evil warlock's
22
00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,334
Tower of Despair!
23
00:00:52,402 --> 00:00:53,868
Save me!
24
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:56,805
Oh, my God, goblin chicks get me so hot.
25
00:00:56,873 --> 00:00:58,406
What's going on down here?
26
00:00:58,474 --> 00:00:59,941
[Normal voice] Oh, hello, traveler!
27
00:01:00,010 --> 00:01:03,478
Welcome to The Dark
Kingdom of Smithurnia!
28
00:01:03,547 --> 00:01:04,879
Pretty awesome, huh?
29
00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:06,748
It's my Dungeons & Dragons masterpiece.
30
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:10,284
Steve, why do you make it
so hard to love you?
31
00:01:10,354 --> 00:01:11,686
I'll have you know, Mr. Smith,
32
00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,622
your son is the best
dungeon master around.
33
00:01:14,691 --> 00:01:18,827
He brings the game to life
by acting out every part!
34
00:01:18,895 --> 00:01:20,628
You flatter me, Snotly!
35
00:01:20,697 --> 00:01:23,698
Dude, she is into you!
36
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,233
Why don't you play with us, dad?
37
00:01:25,301 --> 00:01:26,634
It's a really fun game.
38
00:01:26,703 --> 00:01:28,770
This... This is not a game.
39
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,438
Baseball is a game.
40
00:01:30,506 --> 00:01:32,240
And I'm trying to watch it upstairs.
41
00:01:32,308 --> 00:01:33,775
Baseball's still around?
42
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:36,378
Is baseball the one
with all the footballs?
43
00:01:36,446 --> 00:01:38,780
Steve, Yoshi, Barney, Slimer,
44
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,783
just keep it quiet down here, okay?
45
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,518
[Sighs]
46
00:01:43,587 --> 00:01:46,254
So, how 'bout that goblin maiden?
47
00:01:46,322 --> 00:01:48,790
Is she still... hot to trot?
48
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:49,924
No.
49
00:01:49,993 --> 00:01:52,460
She's become too crestfallen for love.
50
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:53,862
Well, does she have a sister?
51
00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:57,732
Yeah, she does, and she's even hotter.
52
00:01:57,801 --> 00:02:00,334
But she has a latex allergy.
53
00:02:00,404 --> 00:02:01,536
Do her anyway!
54
00:02:01,605 --> 00:02:04,005
Pump and pray, bro!
55
00:02:04,074 --> 00:02:06,741
♪♪
56
00:02:06,743 --> 00:02:09,411
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
57
00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:13,015
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
58
00:02:13,083 --> 00:02:16,150
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
59
00:02:16,152 --> 00:02:20,422
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
60
00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:22,690
♪♪
61
00:02:22,759 --> 00:02:25,827
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
62
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:28,296
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
63
00:02:28,364 --> 00:02:29,498
Aah!
64
00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:33,968
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
65
00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:36,370
[Organ plays "Charge!"]
66
00:02:36,372 --> 00:02:37,972
Announcer:
Time for the seventh-inning stretch
67
00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:39,441
with Old Timey Ernie.
68
00:02:39,509 --> 00:02:44,779
♪ Oh! Take me out to the ball game ♪
69
00:02:44,848 --> 00:02:47,515
♪ Take me out with the crowd ♪
70
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,850
- Dad?
- Shh.
71
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,785
I'm observing my favorite
baseball tradition.
72
00:02:50,787 --> 00:02:52,186
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
73
00:02:52,188 --> 00:02:54,723
is basically my favorite
song by Albert Von Tilzer,
74
00:02:54,791 --> 00:02:57,191
right behind
"I'm the Lonesomest Gal in Town,"
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00:02:57,193 --> 00:02:59,728
"Oh, How She Could Yakky
Hacky Wicky Wacky Woo,"
76
00:02:59,796 --> 00:03:01,063
"Honeyboy," "Chili Bean,"
77
00:03:01,131 --> 00:03:02,931
"Put On Your Slippers
and Fill Up Your Pipe,"
78
00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:04,999
"Au Revoir, But Not Goodbye,
Soldier Boy,"
79
00:03:05,068 --> 00:03:06,935
and "My Cutie's Due at Two to Two."
80
00:03:07,003 --> 00:03:11,539
♪ For it's one, two,
three strikes you're out ♪
81
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:16,144
♪ At the old ball game ♪
82
00:03:16,212 --> 00:03:18,412
Okay. Now you may bother me.
83
00:03:19,176 --> 00:03:20,014
Check it out, Dad.
84
00:03:20,083 --> 00:03:23,017
I made a Dungeons & Dragons
style baseball game!
85
00:03:23,086 --> 00:03:26,554
Your favorite game and my
favorite game combined!
86
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,290
Into...
87
00:03:28,358 --> 00:03:30,424
our favorite game?
88
00:03:30,426 --> 00:03:31,893
- Never.
- Come on, Dad!
89
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,096
Y-Your character is Bill the Shortstop!
90
00:03:34,164 --> 00:03:37,432
He has max ratings in wisdom
and turning double plays.
91
00:03:37,501 --> 00:03:38,633
Just roll the die!
92
00:03:38,702 --> 00:03:41,069
First, I'm going to roll my eyes.
93
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,175
You rolled an 18,
so that's a sacrifice bunt!
94
00:03:47,243 --> 00:03:50,378
- Cool, huh?
- It's the exact opposite of cool.
95
00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:51,445
So...
96
00:03:51,447 --> 00:03:52,580
- hot?
- Damn it!
97
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,182
Why does every temperature mean "good"?
98
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:56,518
My point is, why make a dumb dice game
99
00:03:56,586 --> 00:03:58,853
when real baseball is happening
right in front of you?
100
00:03:58,922 --> 00:04:01,723
That's an ad for a dating
service for Flat-Earthers.
101
00:04:01,792 --> 00:04:04,326
Yes, but between
the commercials is baseball.
102
00:04:04,394 --> 00:04:05,593
As the world changes,
103
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,862
it's the one thing that stays the same.
104
00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:09,864
It's been uniting fathers and sons
105
00:04:09,866 --> 00:04:11,065
for a hundred years.
106
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:12,800
But you wouldn't understand, Steve.
107
00:04:12,869 --> 00:04:14,402
You don't even have a son.
108
00:04:14,471 --> 00:04:16,004
Announcer:
And there's Commissioner Mahotz
109
00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:17,872
watching from his luxury box.
110
00:04:17,874 --> 00:04:19,674
Announcer #2:
He cannot be happy about tonight's
111
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,809
record-low attendance.
112
00:04:20,877 --> 00:04:22,477
Just look at all those fathers
113
00:04:22,546 --> 00:04:26,214
sitting next to empty seats
where their sons should be.
114
00:04:26,282 --> 00:04:27,349
He's right.
115
00:04:27,417 --> 00:04:28,750
It's the sons' fault.
116
00:04:28,819 --> 00:04:30,284
You're someone's son, Steve.
117
00:04:30,286 --> 00:04:32,086
Maybe you can tell me why
our Little League field
118
00:04:32,156 --> 00:04:33,421
was turned into a dog park.
119
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:34,689
That was actually a measure
120
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:35,957
presented to the voters last...
121
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,161
And I voted yes!
The dogs need a place to go!
122
00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:41,095
[Sighs]
123
00:04:41,165 --> 00:04:42,764
- Git! Git!
- What's happening?
124
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:44,833
One minute till "Sex Hospital" starts!
125
00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:46,234
Quick! Set everything up!
126
00:04:46,302 --> 00:04:47,969
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Hurry!
127
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:54,576
[Sultry jazz plays]
128
00:04:54,644 --> 00:05:02,250
♪♪
129
00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:04,252
The cancer patients are gonna freak out
130
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,120
when they realize Dr. Gudreaux is
131
00:05:06,122 --> 00:05:08,790
actually Nurse Tammy
wearing his face skin!
132
00:05:08,859 --> 00:05:11,325
I love this show's twists.
133
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,195
I never see 'em coming!
134
00:05:13,263 --> 00:05:16,664
Hi, I'm "Sex Hospital"
actor Jason Chapman.
135
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,601
And in our biggest plot twist ever,
136
00:05:19,669 --> 00:05:21,269
we've been cancelled!
137
00:05:21,337 --> 00:05:24,072
Now enjoy this rerun of
"Maury" already in progress.
138
00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:27,075
Woman: Help me, Maury!
My daughter's a bitch!
139
00:05:27,143 --> 00:05:30,012
Girl: Who's da bitch when
you ate all the Otterpops?!
140
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,215
How could you betray me,
"Sex Hospital"?!
141
00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:34,616
Yaaah!
142
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:35,950
Aaaaah!
143
00:05:36,019 --> 00:05:40,021
What will I do without
my daily dose of drama?!
144
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,689
Francine, what would you say
145
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,291
if I told you that I could provide you
146
00:05:43,359 --> 00:05:45,227
with soap-opera- caliber drama
147
00:05:45,295 --> 00:05:47,028
right here in your very own home?
148
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,764
I'd say go get a broom and
clean up all this shit.
149
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,867
And then do your thing!
150
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,404
My dad's never gonna be proud of me,
no matter what I do.
151
00:05:56,473 --> 00:05:58,740
My dad's not alive, but my mom says
152
00:05:58,809 --> 00:06:02,343
he's super-disappointed
looking down at me from heaven.
153
00:06:02,412 --> 00:06:04,145
But I think he's super-disappointed
154
00:06:04,214 --> 00:06:06,114
looking up at me from hell.
155
00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:08,615
_
156
00:06:08,751 --> 00:06:10,285
This is all interesting,
157
00:06:10,353 --> 00:06:12,687
but how does it help me?
158
00:06:12,756 --> 00:06:15,624
How does it help Barry get ahead?
159
00:06:15,692 --> 00:06:17,259
[Crack!]
160
00:06:20,097 --> 00:06:22,430
Hey, kid! Throw it back!
161
00:06:22,499 --> 00:06:26,034
That's my ex-wife's house,
and I can't be within 75 feet!
162
00:06:26,103 --> 00:06:27,568
Woman: Don't do it, kid!
163
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,171
He's just gonna give the
ball to one of his whores!
164
00:06:30,173 --> 00:06:31,572
I don't know if I can get it there,
165
00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,175
but here goes nothing.
166
00:06:34,244 --> 00:06:43,251
♪♪
167
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:48,223
[Slow-motion] Oh my God!
168
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:52,593
[Panting]
169
00:06:52,595 --> 00:06:55,330
Barry, what is it, boy?
Is there trouble?
170
00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:56,665
Mr. Smith...
171
00:06:56,733 --> 00:06:59,267
you gotta go to the baseball field...
172
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,535
and see Steve!
173
00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:02,803
My son's on the diamond?!
174
00:07:02,805 --> 00:07:04,806
To the baseball field!
175
00:07:05,876 --> 00:07:07,608
[Indistinct talking]
176
00:07:07,610 --> 00:07:09,244
[Neighs]
177
00:07:12,215 --> 00:07:13,348
Steve?
178
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:15,750
Oh, my God! He's pitching!
179
00:07:15,818 --> 00:07:17,418
♪♪
180
00:07:17,488 --> 00:07:21,756
Oh, it's just a Steve-shaped
adult with a beautiful face.
181
00:07:21,824 --> 00:07:23,225
Steve: Dad! I'm right here!
182
00:07:25,295 --> 00:07:28,229
Son! You're technically
part of baseball!
183
00:07:28,298 --> 00:07:31,032
That's my boy out there,
calling balls and strikes!
184
00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:33,101
- My boy's out there, too.
- Where?
185
00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:35,170
[Sighing] Somewhere.
186
00:07:35,238 --> 00:07:37,506
He was kidnapped 30 years ago.
187
00:07:37,574 --> 00:07:41,510
I can still feel it in my
heart that he's alive, though.
188
00:07:41,578 --> 00:07:43,244
Sometimes you just got to take a break
189
00:07:43,246 --> 00:07:44,445
from searching, you know?
190
00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:46,247
Enjoy some baseball.
191
00:07:46,249 --> 00:07:48,350
Well, back to it.
192
00:07:52,856 --> 00:07:55,122
♪♪
193
00:07:55,124 --> 00:07:57,124
Stee-rike three!
194
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,193
Great call, son!
195
00:07:58,261 --> 00:08:00,195
Does he need to be sitting here?
196
00:08:00,263 --> 00:08:02,063
In your dream version of this,
197
00:08:02,131 --> 00:08:03,999
where does the umpire's dad sit?
198
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:06,267
- In the stands?
- Eat shit.
199
00:08:06,336 --> 00:08:07,602
Steve, I just have to know.
200
00:08:07,671 --> 00:08:10,005
- How did you become an umpire?
- Time out!
201
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:12,740
I need to bring my dad up to speed.
202
00:08:12,810 --> 00:08:14,476
Here goes nothing...
203
00:08:14,544 --> 00:08:21,883
♪♪
204
00:08:21,951 --> 00:08:23,685
[Cries]
205
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,821
Oh, my God!
206
00:08:25,889 --> 00:08:27,622
What a nerd!
207
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:34,830
No!
208
00:08:34,898 --> 00:08:37,298
Now we can't finish our game!
209
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:40,368
Is there an umpire in the house?!
210
00:08:40,914 --> 00:08:43,171
Steve, you learned
all the baseball rules
211
00:08:43,173 --> 00:08:45,674
to make your D&D game, right?
212
00:08:47,244 --> 00:08:48,710
Turns out, being an umpire
213
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,846
is a lot like playing
Dungeons & Dragons.
214
00:08:50,914 --> 00:08:52,780
You just keep the game moving along,
215
00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:56,784
and it doesn't hurt to
be an amazing showman.
216
00:08:56,854 --> 00:08:58,186
Play ball!
217
00:08:58,255 --> 00:09:01,656
[John Fogerty's "Centerfield" plays]
218
00:09:01,725 --> 00:09:04,926
Much like the light in my old lantern...
219
00:09:04,994 --> 00:09:06,862
[Blows] you're out!
220
00:09:06,930 --> 00:09:10,065
♪♪
221
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:13,601
Your quest around the bases has ended...
222
00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:15,002
safely!
223
00:09:15,004 --> 00:09:17,673
[All cheer]
224
00:09:17,741 --> 00:09:20,275
You're out!
225
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,278
♪ Well, I beat the drum ♪
226
00:09:23,346 --> 00:09:25,146
♪ And hold the phone ♪
227
00:09:25,215 --> 00:09:28,416
♪ The sun came out today ♪
228
00:09:28,418 --> 00:09:29,885
Get your face out of that phone, Ian!
229
00:09:29,953 --> 00:09:33,154
You have baseball legends
David Ortiz and Ken Griffey Jr.
230
00:09:33,223 --> 00:09:34,689
at your birthday party!
231
00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:36,624
Baseball's for old people, Dad.
232
00:09:36,693 --> 00:09:39,360
They watch it while
getting colonoscopies.
233
00:09:39,429 --> 00:09:41,296
Like the body odor of a cyclops,
234
00:09:41,364 --> 00:09:43,965
I call that ball foul!
235
00:09:44,033 --> 00:09:46,634
Wait, you're watching baseball?
236
00:09:46,703 --> 00:09:49,437
No, I'm watching this umpire kid.
237
00:09:49,439 --> 00:09:52,240
His video's been shared
over a million times!
238
00:09:52,242 --> 00:09:54,109
He's exactly what I need
239
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,911
to get kids into baseball again.
240
00:09:55,979 --> 00:09:59,114
[Crack!]
241
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,982
David, I have a confession.
242
00:10:01,050 --> 00:10:03,050
I'm not the real Ken Griffey Jr.
243
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,252
[Spanish accent] That's okay.
244
00:10:04,321 --> 00:10:06,521
I'm not the real David Ortiz.
245
00:10:06,590 --> 00:10:08,323
Then we have a problem.
246
00:10:08,391 --> 00:10:10,658
'Cause I am the real Ken Griffey Jr.
247
00:10:10,727 --> 00:10:13,060
I wanted to lure you,
and lure you I did.
248
00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,462
Now, listen up.
249
00:10:14,464 --> 00:10:17,399
You pay me $3 million
before close of day,
250
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,735
or the world will learn your secret.
251
00:10:19,803 --> 00:10:21,536
♪♪
252
00:10:25,609 --> 00:10:27,542
Babe, is this your underwear?
253
00:10:27,611 --> 00:10:31,212
Your enormous men's
underwear with Tuttle's name
254
00:10:31,281 --> 00:10:32,480
written on the band?!
255
00:10:32,482 --> 00:10:34,015
Did you have sex with Tuttle?
256
00:10:34,083 --> 00:10:35,083
What's that now?
257
00:10:35,152 --> 00:10:38,019
Dun, dun, duuuuun!
258
00:10:38,088 --> 00:10:40,422
Roger, this is no "Sex Hospital."
259
00:10:40,490 --> 00:10:42,423
No, it's better, because I'm screwing
260
00:10:42,492 --> 00:10:44,359
with these people's lives for real!
261
00:10:44,427 --> 00:10:46,094
Wait a minute.
262
00:10:46,163 --> 00:10:49,831
I don't wear bras! Whose is this?!
263
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,900
I gotta say,
I don't even buy them as a couple.
264
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:57,104
One's this macho alpha
surging with testosterone,
265
00:10:57,106 --> 00:10:58,706
and then there's Jeff.
266
00:10:58,708 --> 00:11:01,909
Plus, there's no conflict.
They're working it out.
267
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,579
♪♪
268
00:11:04,648 --> 00:11:07,582
I'm gonna put a baby in you!
269
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,451
Mahotz: Nationals Stadium, Steve.
270
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:11,919
Kind of overwhelming.
271
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,255
So take it in and get
all the butterflies out
272
00:11:14,324 --> 00:11:16,324
before you umpire tonight.
273
00:11:16,326 --> 00:11:17,993
Oh, there's the new groundskeeper.
274
00:11:18,061 --> 00:11:19,527
I should give him the same speech.
275
00:11:19,529 --> 00:11:22,864
Wow, my son, called up to the show!
276
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:23,999
Just look around.
277
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:26,101
You can almost taste the history.
278
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:32,273
Hmm. Notes of chewing tobacco,
sunflower seeds,
279
00:11:32,342 --> 00:11:33,809
but very dirt-forward.
280
00:11:33,877 --> 00:11:37,212
This is definitely a dish
where dirt is the star.
281
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,614
- Pretty cool, huh, Dad?
- It is.
282
00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:41,616
You're part of a sacred tradition now,
283
00:11:41,685 --> 00:11:43,284
so dial back your tricks a little
284
00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:45,286
and let the game stand on its own.
285
00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:47,322
- You got it, Dad.
- That's my boy.
286
00:11:47,324 --> 00:11:48,556
Now, if you'll excuse me,
287
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,425
that dirt's got me
feeling a little sick.
288
00:11:50,494 --> 00:11:52,894
So I'm gonna go eat some
of that outfield grass,
289
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,762
settle the old stomach.
290
00:11:54,764 --> 00:11:58,233
Kid, more people saw your video
than saw the game last night.
291
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:01,769
So tonight, I want you to go full Steve.
292
00:12:01,771 --> 00:12:03,038
Give the fans what they want!
293
00:12:03,106 --> 00:12:04,772
But my dad says I have to preserve
294
00:12:04,842 --> 00:12:06,842
the traditions of this great game.
295
00:12:06,910 --> 00:12:08,376
Well, maybe your dad's wrong.
296
00:12:08,378 --> 00:12:11,847
I mean, he is trying to eat AstroTurf.
297
00:12:11,915 --> 00:12:14,315
[Groaning]
298
00:12:14,384 --> 00:12:16,451
Unless you've been living under a rock,
299
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:18,586
you've heard about Steve Smith.
300
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,455
The tiny teen's signature flair
301
00:12:20,524 --> 00:12:24,192
has made him the hottest
umpire in baseball.
302
00:12:24,261 --> 00:12:28,063
However, some traditionalists
don't like the way his calls
303
00:12:28,131 --> 00:12:30,998
are getting bigger and flashier.
304
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,935
But Smith's antics
are putting kids' butts
305
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,872
back-back-back-back-back
back-back-back-back-back
306
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:39,407
back-back-back-back-back-back-
back-back-back-back-back-back-
307
00:12:39,409 --> 00:12:43,211
back-back-back-back-back-back-
back-back-back in the seats!
308
00:12:43,213 --> 00:12:46,281
Stee-rike three!
309
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:47,482
[Crowd cheers]
310
00:12:47,551 --> 00:12:50,218
Berman:
Smith is revolutionizing the sport,
311
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,220
and some are even saying he could...
312
00:12:52,289 --> 00:12:55,290
go... all... the... way...
313
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,693
to the Hall of Fame...
314
00:12:57,761 --> 00:12:59,026
of Umpires...
315
00:12:59,096 --> 00:13:00,495
at the Dallas Airport...
316
00:13:00,564 --> 00:13:02,630
in a little room off
the baggage claim...
317
00:13:02,632 --> 00:13:04,432
- which is usually locked.
- _
318
00:13:04,434 --> 00:13:05,767
[Door knob rattles]
319
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:07,903
That was my hand.
320
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:11,907
Francine, thank you for your notes.
321
00:13:11,975 --> 00:13:15,711
They got me thinking, "Wow,
what terrible notes."
322
00:13:15,779 --> 00:13:18,714
And now... a tidal wave of genius.
323
00:13:18,782 --> 00:13:21,383
- [Doorbell rings]
- I'm coming!
324
00:13:21,451 --> 00:13:24,252
Are you... Klaus?
325
00:13:24,321 --> 00:13:26,321
Hell, yeah, baby.
326
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:28,856
But it looks like I'm a
little late to the trough.
327
00:13:28,926 --> 00:13:32,327
What? No. This is your baby!
328
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:33,595
Impossible!
329
00:13:33,663 --> 00:13:35,130
I mean, it's possible
330
00:13:35,198 --> 00:13:36,598
because I'm constantly banging chicks,
331
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:39,134
but not for the last couple 5, 10 years!
332
00:13:39,202 --> 00:13:41,469
Yes, but you donate sperm,
333
00:13:41,538 --> 00:13:42,938
and I was in a car accident
334
00:13:43,006 --> 00:13:45,206
with a truck that was delivering it!
335
00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:48,143
Dun, dun, duuuuun!
336
00:13:48,211 --> 00:13:51,479
My God, I'm going to be a dad!
337
00:13:51,481 --> 00:13:54,349
Oh, now you're ready to be a dad!
338
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,752
Where were you 38 years ago?!
339
00:13:57,821 --> 00:14:00,688
- What?
- You gave me up for adoption,
340
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,290
according to these papers
341
00:14:02,359 --> 00:14:04,826
that were anonymously mailed to me!
342
00:14:04,894 --> 00:14:06,694
This is insane!
343
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,296
Man: You know what else is insane?
344
00:14:08,365 --> 00:14:10,498
You have only one week left to live.
345
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:11,899
I found out when these test results
346
00:14:11,969 --> 00:14:14,702
were tied to a rock and
thrown through my window.
347
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,237
- [Gasps]
- [Both gasp]
348
00:14:17,396 --> 00:14:18,640
- Meh.
- "Meh"?!
349
00:14:18,708 --> 00:14:20,842
These characters aren't believable!
350
00:14:20,910 --> 00:14:23,979
I mean, the fish? He talks? How?
351
00:14:24,047 --> 00:14:25,313
And apparently,
352
00:14:25,315 --> 00:14:27,715
he doesn't even have to be in water.
353
00:14:27,717 --> 00:14:31,653
Just, like, touching it?
That's now how fish work!
354
00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:35,190
[Organ plays "Charge!"]
355
00:14:35,258 --> 00:14:37,759
[Crowd cheers]
356
00:14:40,864 --> 00:14:41,997
Steve, what the heck?
357
00:14:42,065 --> 00:14:43,931
Since when is riding
players around the bases
358
00:14:43,933 --> 00:14:45,667
- traditional?
- Don't worry, dad.
359
00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:47,268
Your favorite part's coming up...
360
00:14:47,337 --> 00:14:49,604
the seventh-inning stretch!
361
00:14:50,206 --> 00:14:52,007
At least some things haven't changed.
362
00:14:52,075 --> 00:14:53,809
Take me there, Ernie.
363
00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:58,880
♪ Oh, take me out to the ball game ♪
364
00:14:58,948 --> 00:15:00,281
Remix!
365
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:02,149
♪ T-T-T-T-T-Take me out to the ♪
366
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,819
♪ Take me out to the,
take me out to the ♪
367
00:15:03,887 --> 00:15:06,153
♪ Ball game ♪
368
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:10,826
[Crowd cheers]
369
00:15:11,581 --> 00:15:13,279
Stop! You're ruining everything!
370
00:15:13,314 --> 00:15:14,762
This isn't baseball anymore!
371
00:15:14,832 --> 00:15:16,832
Baseball was on life support!
372
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,634
Its family members were
gathered at the hospital.
373
00:15:19,703 --> 00:15:21,636
It was peeing into a bag.
374
00:15:21,705 --> 00:15:23,971
Orderlies were stealing its valuables.
375
00:15:23,973 --> 00:15:27,175
Steve, our live-stream
ratings are through the roof!
376
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,443
I'm promoting you
377
00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:30,778
to deputy commissioner
of game development.
378
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:32,580
But that'll put him in
charge of rule changes,
379
00:15:32,582 --> 00:15:34,782
and he's wrecking everything!
380
00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:36,651
I was thinking it would be kind of cool
381
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,319
if the pitcher used a crossbow
382
00:15:38,388 --> 00:15:39,787
to shoot the ball at the batter.
383
00:15:39,857 --> 00:15:42,057
Genius! But what about the batters?
384
00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:43,925
Wouldn't that be a
little unfair to them?
385
00:15:43,993 --> 00:15:45,593
Who cares about the batters?!
386
00:15:45,662 --> 00:15:47,128
They'll be on horseback!
387
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:49,130
Horses! Yes!
388
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,532
But what kind of horse?
389
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,934
Like a Doberman pinscher?
Or a big-ass bobcat?
390
00:15:53,002 --> 00:15:55,470
Do you... know what a horse is?
391
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:58,540
Of course I do. I'm Commissioner Mahotz.
392
00:15:58,608 --> 00:16:01,576
I know all the animals!
393
00:16:03,413 --> 00:16:05,079
♪♪
394
00:16:05,148 --> 00:16:07,882
Now that I'm not trying to
make my dad proud anymore,
395
00:16:07,951 --> 00:16:10,685
I'm doing baseball the Steve way.
396
00:16:10,753 --> 00:16:11,886
I like what you're doing here.
397
00:16:11,955 --> 00:16:13,955
This whole Steve thing... I love it.
398
00:16:13,957 --> 00:16:15,757
- First, some rule changes.
- Yes.
399
00:16:15,826 --> 00:16:18,426
I'm replacing the ball
with a 20-sided die.
400
00:16:18,495 --> 00:16:19,760
- Mm.
- After it's hit,
401
00:16:19,762 --> 00:16:21,296
whatever number the die lands on
402
00:16:21,364 --> 00:16:23,098
- determines the outcome of the play.
- Love it!
403
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,233
Runners must do battle
with Samurai warriors...
404
00:16:25,302 --> 00:16:27,302
- Yep. Love it!
- ...to get from base to base.
405
00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:28,770
- That's so good!
- And there's a moat.
406
00:16:28,839 --> 00:16:30,571
- Now we're talking!
- Filled with piranhas
407
00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,441
- surrounding home plate!
- Yes!
408
00:16:32,509 --> 00:16:33,708
That settles it!
409
00:16:33,777 --> 00:16:35,243
We're premiering your
new version of baseball
410
00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:38,647
tomorrow night at Game 1
of the World Series!
411
00:16:38,715 --> 00:16:40,248
Except we're now calling it
412
00:16:40,317 --> 00:16:44,252
"Lemony Snicket's World
Series of Unfortunate Events."
413
00:16:45,191 --> 00:16:46,321
Love it!
414
00:16:46,389 --> 00:16:48,857
♪♪
415
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,592
Damn it, couch!
First, I find you upstairs.
416
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:52,994
Now you're on the staircase.
417
00:16:53,063 --> 00:16:54,729
Think you're too good
for the living room?!
418
00:16:54,798 --> 00:16:56,064
It's good enough for TV!
419
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:58,533
It's good enough for coffee table!
420
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,002
[Sobbing] Oh, God, I...
I'm sorry, couch!
421
00:17:01,071 --> 00:17:03,738
I'm mad at Steve,
and I'm taking it out on you!
422
00:17:03,807 --> 00:17:06,741
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. Stan, what's wrong?
423
00:17:06,810 --> 00:17:10,011
Your son killed the game I love most
424
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,547
- in the wuh-huh-horld!
- Oh, honey.
425
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:14,949
- Let's talk about this.
- Francine, what are you doing?!
426
00:17:15,018 --> 00:17:16,284
This is low-stakes bullshit.
427
00:17:16,353 --> 00:17:18,619
There's real scripted drama outside.
428
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,755
Francine, I bristled at your notes
429
00:17:20,823 --> 00:17:23,024
because I'm an artist, but the audience,
430
00:17:23,026 --> 00:17:26,627
as unenlightened as she may be,
is always right.
431
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,763
So now I present to you...
432
00:17:28,832 --> 00:17:30,832
drama perfected.
433
00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:32,767
I've been poisoned!
434
00:17:32,836 --> 00:17:34,169
Could it have been that sandwich
435
00:17:34,237 --> 00:17:36,571
that was shoved through my mail slot?!
436
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,707
FBI! We found your underwear
437
00:17:38,775 --> 00:17:40,509
in the vault at the robbed bank!
438
00:17:40,577 --> 00:17:41,776
The robbed bank?
439
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:43,178
How do you know about the robbed bank?
440
00:17:43,246 --> 00:17:45,681
We kept that out of the press!
441
00:17:46,517 --> 00:17:47,616
Ooh!
442
00:17:47,684 --> 00:17:50,451
♪♪
443
00:17:50,453 --> 00:17:53,788
[Chirping]
444
00:17:53,857 --> 00:17:56,257
- Killer stuff, right?
- I-I don't know.
445
00:17:56,259 --> 00:18:00,261
I-I guess I just saw
all this stuff coming.
446
00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:02,397
Freeze, mister! Hands in the air!
447
00:18:02,465 --> 00:18:04,332
Ooh! This is a fun twist!
448
00:18:04,401 --> 00:18:06,134
No! No! No! This wasn't part of it!
449
00:18:06,203 --> 00:18:08,469
You're under arrest
for sandwich poisoning,
450
00:18:08,471 --> 00:18:11,672
bluebird seduction,
and sperm truck sabotage!
451
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,875
I can explain! I'm an artist!
452
00:18:13,944 --> 00:18:15,676
Merely a humble genius!
453
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,746
Bravo, Roger!
454
00:18:17,814 --> 00:18:19,680
I'm not going back to prison!
455
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:21,349
[Grunts]
456
00:18:21,418 --> 00:18:22,417
[Tires screech]
457
00:18:22,485 --> 00:18:24,753
[Crash!]
458
00:18:24,821 --> 00:18:26,687
Another semen truck?
459
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:27,822
What's going on in this town?
460
00:18:27,891 --> 00:18:29,424
Are we on a shipping route?
461
00:18:29,492 --> 00:18:31,793
[Horns blare]
462
00:18:32,896 --> 00:18:35,430
[Crowd cheers]
463
00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:40,168
♪♪
464
00:18:40,237 --> 00:18:43,972
I was wrong before.
This is my masterpiece.
465
00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:45,440
Sorry, kid. I wasn't there before.
466
00:18:45,508 --> 00:18:47,842
You called something
else your masterpiece?
467
00:18:47,911 --> 00:18:49,310
- That what happened?
- Basically, yeah.
468
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,879
That's the gist.
469
00:18:53,450 --> 00:18:55,417
[Crowd cheers]
470
00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:00,255
He rolled a 12!
471
00:19:00,323 --> 00:19:01,790
Release the lion!
472
00:19:01,858 --> 00:19:03,324
[Crowd cheers]
473
00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:04,593
[Lion growls]
474
00:19:04,661 --> 00:19:05,927
Announcer: Release the Lion,
475
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:08,263
brought to you by Big League Chew!
476
00:19:08,331 --> 00:19:12,467
What'll you be chewin'
when the lion's chewin' on you?
477
00:19:12,535 --> 00:19:14,335
It's a packed house, kid.
478
00:19:14,337 --> 00:19:18,273
Generations of fans,
bonding over your game!
479
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,479
I guess you don't totally suck.
480
00:19:24,547 --> 00:19:28,617
I've brought all these
fathers and sons together...
481
00:19:28,685 --> 00:19:31,886
but I've lost my own dad.
482
00:19:31,955 --> 00:19:35,423
No! He... He came! Dad! Up here!
483
00:19:35,492 --> 00:19:37,626
♪♪
484
00:19:37,694 --> 00:19:41,963
Oh. It's just a dad-shaped
man with the face of an angel.
485
00:19:42,032 --> 00:19:44,633
I want my daddy!
486
00:19:45,277 --> 00:19:46,768
Dad?! Are you home?!
487
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,570
[Rattling]
488
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,640
Runner steals second.
489
00:19:51,708 --> 00:19:53,508
You're playing my game.
490
00:19:53,576 --> 00:19:56,311
It's the only decent
version of baseball left.
491
00:19:56,379 --> 00:19:58,713
Dad, I'm sorry I ruined your game.
492
00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:00,181
Yeah, well...
493
00:20:00,183 --> 00:20:02,717
I'm sorry I crapped all over your game.
494
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,053
You actually did a great job.
495
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,721
What dice do I roll to slide?
496
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:09,991
- Oh, you just use your imagination.
- Huh.
497
00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:12,927
[Groans]
498
00:20:12,996 --> 00:20:14,262
Help me, Steve! It's not working!
499
00:20:14,331 --> 00:20:18,266
You slide safely into second,
just under the tag.
500
00:20:18,335 --> 00:20:19,600
[Gasps] Whoa!
501
00:20:19,602 --> 00:20:21,269
Now I'm gonna try to steal third!
502
00:20:21,338 --> 00:20:25,406
You gallantly stride toward third base.
503
00:20:25,408 --> 00:20:27,676
But, alas, you are thrown out.
504
00:20:27,744 --> 00:20:29,144
Wow!
505
00:20:29,212 --> 00:20:32,280
It's just like I wasn't able to imagine.
506
00:20:32,349 --> 00:20:34,883
I wonder what's happening
in the real game.
507
00:20:34,951 --> 00:20:36,417
[Helicopter blades whirring,
indistinct screaming]
508
00:20:36,487 --> 00:20:38,086
Announcer: Folks, you're watching
509
00:20:38,155 --> 00:20:40,421
the greatest tragedy in sports history!
510
00:20:40,491 --> 00:20:42,157
Op, it sounds like attack monkeys
511
00:20:42,225 --> 00:20:44,092
are clawing at my door.
512
00:20:44,161 --> 00:20:46,495
In these, the last moments of my life,
513
00:20:46,563 --> 00:20:49,898
I'd like to do the
on-air ad for Meineke.
514
00:20:49,966 --> 00:20:52,433
- Has your muffler been giving you guff?
- [Screams]
515
00:20:52,503 --> 00:20:54,703
- [Crash]
- No, monkey!
516
00:20:54,771 --> 00:20:58,507
[ Monkey chitters]
517
00:20:58,575 --> 00:21:00,375
Buh-bye! See you soon!
518
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:04,663
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
36814
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