All language subtitles for Modern Family 9x16 - Wine Weekend (English)

Obviously, this is the living room.

There's a fully stocked bar in the den,

and the home theater is downstairs.

Wow. So, your boss launches
one style website

and she can afford all of this?

I wish "1950s closeted father"

was a look people were clamoring for.

Oh, it is not that simple.

The formula for NERP is very specific...

former actress plus
confidence based on nothing

equals millions in sales
of iffy wellness products.

We should get her a gift
for letting us stay here,

but what do you give someone
who's researching

charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?

Oh, actually, she's judging

a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

Maybe we should stay away
from the fridge.

So, we're in wine country.

When does the wine tasting start,

because I can use it after

the public bashing I've had to endure.

Here we go. No more boo-hooing, Manny.

The review wasn't that bad.

He called my portrayal
of Inspector Poirot

"unconvincing," "not believable,"

"hard to buy,"
and "ironically redundant".

Hey, Mitch, Cam,

now that you guys have had a chance

to sleep on my performance,

what did you think?

- It was a tricky part.
- Yeah, and I don't blame you.

I blame whoever cast you.

Finally, the closet part of the tour.

My boss left each of you
a very special robe.

They minimize inflammation

and gently exfoliate your skin

whilst you wear them.

That's weird. I only see six robes.

That's what's weird about them?

Oh, one last thing...

Do not touch the tiara

on display in the drawing room.

It is very delicate.

Got it?

Sorry, honey. You're just...
You're doing that thing

where you look like
a really intense baby deer.

Oh, the scarier you try to be,

- the more adorable you are.
- I know!

Whatever. I have, like,

a million errands to run for my boss.

Hang on. Since, uh, no one's called dibs

on the master bedroom,
I assume it's up for grabs.

Oh, actually, there are only
three guest bedrooms upstairs,

so you'll have to sleep in there, okay?

The maid's quarters?

But I'll be right next
to the creaky do...

You know, if you want,

- I can put some oil on that.
- Oh, no, no, no. Don't.

These are traditional
Tibetan creaking hinges.

We need those.

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- Whoa. Go easy.
- Trust me, Dad.

Right now, I could really use this.

I love Phil. Let's just
get that out of the way first,

but he has these bear slippers.

I don't know where they came from,

probably the same place that sells

pinky rings and other things
that make it difficult

to see your husband as a sexual being.

Oh, my gosh. I don't think
I'm allowed here

in my bare feet.

Fortunately, I have a tactic

for getting rid of things that I hate.

I suggest that Phil
brings them on vacation,

and then I forget to repack them.

Thanks.

Dollar-sign necktie...

I flung it over Niagara Falls.

The belt buckle with "Pimp" in crystals?

Chucked it in the Grand Canyon.

Huh. I wonder if that's what Gloria did

to my denim vest in the Gal�pagos.

I just gotta sneak out tonight

and disappear those
bear slippers in the woods.

Am I a terrible person?

No, but there might be a pattern
of desecrating national parks

you might want to look at.

That's enough, Chubs.

What are you doing?

Stella's been severely depressed

because her best friend, Norman,

the next-door neighbor's dog, just died.

She won't even do
her favorite trick anymore.

Stella.

Stella, speak.

Speak. Like you're saying "Hello".

Hellooo! Hel-Hellooo!

Hello?

I wanted to bring Stella
on the trip to cheer her up.

She never sees seasons,
but Gloria wanted one night

with just the two of us in bed,

so I did the only sensible thing.

You left her at home with a dog sitter?

Checked her in the hotel down the road.

I'm trying to get some wine in Gloria

so she passes out early
and I can sneak off and feed Stella.

The hotel down the
road? You mean the Ritz?

I had points. Calm down.

Oh, how cool. This is both
an opener and a stopper.

Nice.

Oh, I guess what it does for bottles,

it also does for conversations.

Wait, is that... Ronaldo!

Mitchell!

What a surprise.

And who is this?

I always assumed I was
your sexiest Latin friend.

This is Gloria. Gloria, Ronaldo.

- Bolivian?
- Guatemalan.

- Venezuelan?
- Colombian.

- Mm-hmm.
- Not sure what this is.

Um, so w-what are you doing in town?

Oh, just picking up some wine
for a party I'm catering...

at Oprah Winfrey's.

- What?
- Stop it!

- Oh, what, is that a big deal?
- Don't you be coy.

You know the power dynamic
just shifted between us.

If you want, I can get you two
into the party.

- Get out!
- You would do that for us?

Only because I like you so much.

I like you so much, too!

That was a quick thaw.

It can only be the two of you,
though. No Cameron.

Pepper would kill me.

Right. Cam's in a feud
with Ronaldo's husband

over what type of cracker
belongs on a cheese platter.

Water cracker. The cheese is the star.

- This isn't our fight.
- No.

I have to run.
I'll text you the address.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Can you believe this? We're
going to a party at Oprah's.

What if we become friends with her?

What if we get our own TV show?

Who's gonna pick up Joe from school?!

Gloria... we'll have drivers.

- Tuesday Company!
- Tuesday Company!

Cam, Mitch, Claire, and I signed
up for a hip-hop class.

We knew it was legit when they asked us

to graffiti our names
on the sign-up wall.

Right leg, come on.

Unh. Wrap those arms, come on.

Unh. Unh.

And yah!

I like it. Nice job, everybody!

Great. That's great.

Hey, Sho Nuff. Bomb class.

Yeah, yeah. Really sick.

Hey, man. You two were hitting
it hard out there.

I was really believing your movements.

Are you... saying we brought it?

I'm saying y'all crushed it.

Keep it up. All right?

- Okay.
- Hit it.

All right. There you go.

- Cameron?
- Philip?

- Did you hear that?
- You mean when our dance instructor

told us we were basically
street-dance superstars?

Did you notice how he singled us out?

He didn't even mention Mitch or Claire.

It's like he's
saying they're holding us back.

Okay. You know what?

We need to shed our dead-weight spouses.

There is nobody
I would rather impress more

- than Sho Nuff.
- True dat.

- No, True Dat's just the DJ.
- I don't care what he thinks.

Turns out, Cam and I
make tremendous dance partners.

Our bodies are so in tune,

it's like we finish each other's...

...sequences.

Phil starts a move,
and I instinctually complete it.

And, yeah,
it's as powerful as it sounds.

Oh, my gosh. Did you ever think

a farm boy from Missouri

and... and a real-estate agent
from Key West, Florida,

would get the opportunity to audition

for the prestigious Tuesday Company?

And it only costs slightly more
than regular classes.

We could be the greatest
masters-level hip-hop duo

- since Pump Up and The Jam!
- I know!

Callback's tomorrow, so
we'll have to sneak out tonight

for a final rehearsal.

You... You brought the outfit
in case we got it, right?

"In case"? Good one, Phil.

I'm having a hard time resisting
dancing with joy, are you?

- Me-Meet at the grapes.
- Okay.

Man, it took forever
to find a parking spot.

I could really use a
sip of a chewy Cabernet.

You can't drink. You have to stay sober
to drive the rest of us home.

Wait, is that why I'm here?
To be the designated driver?

If you need a title, sure.

Okay, the front door's too loud.

We can get to the driveway this way.

I look like Miss Universe.

What are you doing?
Haley said not to touch that.

- Ow!
- Let me see.

Clean cut.

- Those are real diamonds!
- Leave 'em. Come on.

- Cam, walk this way.
- Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Mixing metals is very
in-fashion right now.

No, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

In 18 hours, Sho Nuff is gonna
be rating our dance skills

on a scale of one to "Dayum"! Come on!

All right. All right.

Butt... here.

Just one more treat.

Here.

Shh. We'll just do this quick.

Shh. Here you go.

Gorgeous!

- Dad?
- Oh!

I thought you were Gloria.

Wh-Why is Stella here?

I was going to feed her at the hotel...

she's clearly in a bad way.

She trashed the room.

It looked like The Who
was staying there.

So, I'm gonna stash her
in the guesthouse,

brush her fur until she goes to sleep.

Stella!

What?

I am prom queen?!

It's not... It's not Ashley Walls

who got the pity vote
after her car accident?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Now we need to be
strategic if we're gonna hit

all of Oprah's important rooms, okay?

Her home office, her gift-wrapping room,

her temperature-controlled vault
of cozy sweaters.

But what if Gayle is there?

Do we stop to talk to her?

No. No Gayle. There's no time.

Okay, that-that's the third house

in this compound that we passed.

How will we know when we get

to Oprah's actual hou...

Oh, my God.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

- I was a beat early on the booty drop.
- No, no, no.

It was me. I was a beat late
on the chest pop.

It's weird, but I'm... I'm nervous.

I am, too. But you know what?

We... We just have to relax

and remember we're... we're
just a couple guys dancing.

Who are we kidding?!

Getting Tuesday Company would be epic!

I know! We get our own cubbies.

We don't have to throw our
keys and wallet in the corner anymore.

Didn't the Tuesdoggs perform at
the WNBA All-Star Game last year?

It would be life-changing, but
we have to stop talking about

how great it would be.

- That's what's throwing us off.
- Right.

- For now, it's... We're just... Hey.
- Hey.

- Here's two guys...
- Dancing.

- We're dancing. Yeah.
- We're dancing.

- Let's take it from the top. All right.
- Yep.

Five, six, seven, eight, and...

And that's my bad.

Okay.

Where have you been? I turned
around and you were gone.

I was in Oprah's bed!

- Guess her sleep number.
- I don't have to.

- I touched her. I touched Oprah!
- What?!

Well, technically,

I brushed the edge
of her gown with my finger.

But look... my cut's magically healed.

And I heard they have baby elephants

carrying everyone to the south lawn

to see a living chess match. Let's go!

Wait, no, Gloria. Gloria, Come on.

We said we'd only stay for an hour.

We have to get back to our normal lives.

- But how?!
- I know.

Leave them.

Take it from me... if you get
a second chance at love,

you grab it.

After the trauma of losing
her best friend, Norman,

Stella's veil of depression was lifted

by the promise of new romance.

She realized she could love again.

You can't separate them, Claire.

I'm taking that slipper home with me.

And risk Phil seeing it the next
time we're at your house? Forget it.

Stella's had her fun. This is over.

Why is this so hard for you to accept?

Is it because it's a dog and a slipper?

My bad.

- Again.
- No, no. No, no.

That's on me. I'm... I'm...
I'm... I'm still in my head.

Let's face it, Cam.
This isn't about nerves.

It's about me losing
whatever spark I once had.

It's like someone sucked
the funk right out of me!

No, I'm the problem. It's like I've lost
the key to the lock on my pop.

Just...go on without me.

I'm holding you back!
I mean, nuff is nuff.

Maybe Rob Base was wrong.
It takes one to make a thing go right.

- Is it possible...
- Just say it.

...that we're just Monday dancers?

Is it better?

No, I'm still getting
a hint of elephant.

- Get out.
- W... I'm just being honest.

No, we have to push the car
the last 50 feet to the house...

...so that they don't hear us coming.

I feel like some of Oprah's strength
must've rubbed off on me.

I bet I could
carry this car up.

Are you sure this is in neutral?

What is this?!

Did you steal this candy dish
from Oprah's house?

It has her initials engraved.

I couldn't help it. I wanted a souvenir.

But you said that we couldn't
bring any evidence in here,

and you didn't even let me take

the party napkin that had a cartoon

of her hugging children of many colors!

Okay, I'm sorry.

What if... What if we share
custody of the candy dish?

Okay, fine.

But I get it for the holidays.

Coming.

Oh, hey, sorry. I forgot my keys
in the drawing room.

Okay, where did I put them?

They were right here, right?

And right where I thought I left them.

Wait a minute. What is that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! The tiara! It's cracked!

Who did this?!

I'll get to the bottom of this.

I don't care what some
feeble-minded vulgarian says.

Manny Delgado knows how to play
the role of an inspector.

- I'll text everyone to come downstairs.
- Thank you.

No!

Oh, no.

Oh, hell no.

Okay. Wait, wait, Dad.
We need an excuse!

People are gonna wonder
why we weren't in bed.

Um, tell them that, uh, uh...

Oh! We were on the balcony
because we saw a moose.

That's dumb.

We'll tell them I'm heating up some milk
for you in the kitchen

because your stomach hurts.

Why? Because I was upset
that I saw a moose?

Put this on.

- I was early.
- I was late.

Hurry, hurry!

Whew! I'm still getting
strong notes of elephant off of you.

- You may have to cut off all your hair.
- No!

I'm sure you're wondering why
I've gathered you all here.

Uh, the tiara's cracked.
You told us in your text.

What I didn't tell you
is that I've vowed

to find out who's responsible.

Well, no, actually,
you did. It was a fairly long...

Everyone's a suspect.

Don't look at me.
I wasn't anywhere near it.

What a surprise...
Phil feigning innocence.

You're just everyone's
favorite Dad, right?

Where were you when you got my text?

Cam's, uh, stomach was upset,

and I was warming up some milk for him.

- Claire saw a moose.
- I did.

And that's why we were on
the balcony when you texted us.

Well, Gloria and I were in the den.

I ran into her on my way out to my walk,

and then we decided
to watch the moon together.

The moon, huh?

Seems unlikely given tonight
is moonless!

No matter.

So, did any of you go through
this room at any point?

Sounds to me like everybody was inside

doing whatever they were
supposed to be doing.

That's odd because I found
this door slightly open,

which means one of you was outside.

When I find out who went out that door,

quite sure I'll have my culprit.

Hey, what's that?

It appears to be two bottom halves

of a gingerbread man melded together.

Uh, it looks like a bone.
It's a dog treat.

No, it's a human treat,

and it's shaped like
a bone because it's full of calcium.

I was snacking on them
earlier in the day

and I must have dropped one.

Mmm, they're delicious.

And they're very good for you.

Checks out.

That's coming from upstairs!

No, outside.

Gloria, how did this happen?

I have a theory.

I once read about a moose

that knocked a camper out of neutral.

Perhaps the moose Claire saw earlier did
the same thing here.

The hood's warm. Then don't lean on it.

I admit it! Mitch and I...
we were outside.

He wanted to talk to me about a problem

he's having with Cam in the gay bedroom.

Oh, so when it's me, it's a problem.

When it's you, it's what happens
when you work out too much.

It got cold, we went inside the car,

I turned the heater on,

and I must have accidentally
knocked it into neutral.

So, it was all ready to roll
when the moose showed up.

Hey, uh, what's
this candy dish doing here?

Haley, please, I'm trying to think.

But it could be evidence.

What are the lights doing on
in the tennis court?!

Now why would these chairs be out here,

and how do they connect to the moose?

These footprints are in a...
really weird pattern.

Why do these steps feel so familiar?

Cam and I were out here, um...

We were in the kitchen, and
we heard a raccoon outside.

Yeah, yeah. So, we came out, we...

we grabbed a couple chairs
to... to... to scare it off.

We held... held them up like this,

and, um, chased the raccoon,

but it ran into some trash cans
and we were like...

- Oh!
- Oh!

And then, uh, it ran
up the court this way...

- Yep.
- ...and then back a couple of steps

and then forward again and then it
did a little spin.

Yep. That was it. And then it
came back at us, and we were like...

Right, left. Right, right,

body roll, and spin.

And then, it was just gone.

What the hell was that?

What is any of this? I can't
make sense of these clues.

What kind of raccoon isn't scared off by
the presence of a moose?

All we need to know

is that Mitchell, Gloria, Cam, and Phil

- are the four and only suspects.
- Not only!

One at a time! Phil, go first.

Well, that's a lot of pressure.

Speak!

What is that noise?

It's like a dog saying, "Hello."

Sounds to me like
a California barking moose.

It came from up there.

Hey.

We were really in-sync talking
through that raccoon chase.

It felt like maybe we
had our timing back again.

It really did.

Maybe we forgot dance isn't
about the fame or... or glory,

but it's about telling a story
that takes your audience

on a journey that ebbs and flows.

Ebb and Flow.

I think we just found our hip-hop names.

Jay!

- You brought Stella?!
- No!

She must have tracked us here.

What's that, girl?

What? We left the stove on?

- Well, that was weird.
- Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

What is my slipper doing in here?

I'm not wrong. It's cold, huh?

Hey. Honey...

We need to talk about this.

- Um, Stella...
- She wants the slipper, Phil.

Oh, my God.

W-Why is Phil dressed
like a Beastie Boy?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You two did hip-hop without us!

Okay, be-because you and Claire
were holding us back.

Oh, please. We are
just as good as you are.

It sounds like somebody
wants a dance-off.

No. No one ever wants a dance-off.

- Phil, why didn't you just tell me?
- Save it, Claire.

I know you put the hit out
on my bear slippers.

Those are just very unsexy.

Oh, 'cause you always dress so sexy?

Let's check out this nightwear.

Luke's junior high gym shorts,
and the drawstring is an old shoelace.

Well, at least I'm not
one of those wives

that spends a fortune on lingerie.

I mean, look, when the shoelace broke,

I fixed it with a staple.

Well, why don't we add a little spice
for our vacation?

I mean, Gloria wears a floor-length,
beaded nightgown to bed.

Wait a second. No, she doesn't.

Yes.

It looked very comfortable
on the website.

Wait a minute. Gloria was with Mitchell.

What have we got going on under here?!

Okay, where were you going
looking so dapper?!

Dapper? Really? Aww...

Oh! Ooh! Manny. Manny!

Hey! Look what just fell out
of Uncle Mitch's pocket!

A second candy dish...

Hold up. This is monogrammed.

"M.O."?

You went to Michelle Obama's without me?

You went to Oprah Winfrey's without me?!

Gloria, is this true?

You know how I feel about Oprah.
She changed my...

Excuse me.

She gave me the strength
to change my own life!

Stop. Stop!

Stop!!

Have we all forgotten that somebody

cracked my boss's tiara?!

I could get fired!

Well, I touched it once,

so I might have done it.
I'll pay for it.

Hold on. Cam and I messed with it, too.

- I put it on my hand.
- I tried it.

- Me, too.
- Okay, okay, obviously,

everybody monkeyed around
with it, so we'll all chip in.

Really?

- Yes!
- Thank you, guys.

Yeah, let's go to bed!

Listen, not to take Phil's side, but you
could wash those shorts

'cause I'm getting a strong
whiff of elephant.

Thanks for trying to help, Manny.

I guess we'll really never know
who broke that tiara.

I broke the tiara.

I was alone at the house
the night before

doing a little private wine tasting.

I made a website,

and I tell people how to live.

Get a latte enema.

Drink ocean water.

Oh.

Ooh...

I knew if I said to my family,
"Do not touch",

one of those bozos
would have to try it on

and then think
they cracked it themselves.

That's right. I'm a little
smarter than people think.

But lucky, too. That moose
almost ruined everything.

You know, there's no sense denying it.

Life, as we know it, has changed.

Yeah, yeah. From now on, you'll be
dancing on Tuesdays.

Oh, Ronaldo's FaceTiming.

Hey, guys.

So, uh, listen.

Oprah knows about the candy dish.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There are cameras, Mitchell!
You need to bring it back.

Where are you?

I'm still here at Oprah's,
under my own free will.

And I will probably
stay here in this tower

until she gets her dish back.

It's quite meaningful.
She stole it from...

...got it as a gift from Michelle Obama.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

We have Michelle Obama's candy dish.

Oprah Winfrey has our number.

O-kay! Okay! Okay!

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www.addic7ed.com