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00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:03,540
This programme contains
strong language
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00:00:03,580 --> 00:00:06,580
and scenes that some viewers may find
disturbing or upsetting.
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DOOR OPENS
4
00:00:36,380 --> 00:00:37,420
Ahem.
5
00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:39,340
They're ready for you.
6
00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,620
Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
7
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Bournemouth.
8
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But you don't know the others.
9
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No, but I'm familiar with you.
10
00:00:48,740 --> 00:00:51,260
Why do you want to be an MP?
11
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,700
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
12
00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:57,020
and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.
13
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,340
Go again from the top.
14
00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:03,020
I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idol
15
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:04,420
has become a Scientologist.
16
00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:05,980
Speed up the autocue, please.
17
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Pop stars do believe in weird things.
18
00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:11,540
'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'
19
00:01:11,580 --> 00:01:12,780
They said show you this.
20
00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:14,260
This happened just now?
21
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:14,900
Mm-hmm.
22
00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:16,420
Gladwell?
23
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"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -
24
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,060
"over Twitter porn pics scandal."
25
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:22,540
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
26
00:01:22,580 --> 00:01:24,860
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,
27
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:27,940
"resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondence
28
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:29,060
"with a 15-year-old girl."
29
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:32,100
So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?
30
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:34,140
"Departure triggers a by-election
31
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,420
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
32
00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:37,900
Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.
33
00:01:37,940 --> 00:01:38,980
Mm-hmm.
34
00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:41,220
Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.
35
00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:42,900
Anyone seen Jamie?
36
00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:44,900
PHONE DIALLING
37
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:49,780
Rach?
38
00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:52,060
'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.
39
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:53,780
'You need to sort yourself out.'
40
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:55,260
I am.
41
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:57,780
'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'
42
00:01:57,820 --> 00:01:59,140
But it is not...
43
00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:00,900
'He's a hit, Jamie.'
44
00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:03,420
"He." Not me, "he".
45
00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:05,060
'Just do your show.'
46
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:06,900
I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...
47
00:02:06,940 --> 00:02:08,140
PHONE CUTS OFF
48
00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:09,700
(KNOCKING) Jamie?
49
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,460
Jamie, hurry up.
50
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,980
What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
51
00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:17,820
Safe Tory seat.
52
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:21,140
So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...
53
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:24,060
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
54
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,540
Yes.
55
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:30,260
Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,
56
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,340
but, well,
you want me to be honest.
57
00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:33,900
There's no point in pretending.
58
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:38,460
Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?
59
00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:39,740
No.
60
00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:42,740
Except...
61
00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:46,340
..I did commit a series
of murders in Huddersfield
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00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:48,340
between 1999 and 2003.
63
00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:49,940
But apart from that...
64
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,180
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
65
00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:58,140
If you could leave via that door.
66
00:02:58,180 --> 00:02:59,900
Oh, that door?
67
00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:01,940
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
68
00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:04,500
Right, yes.
69
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:18,700
(MUTTERS) Idiot. Idiot!
70
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,780
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
71
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,900
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
72
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,580
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
73
00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:32,860
That position, presumably,
being hunched over
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00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,060
wanking madly at school kids.
75
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:36,660
'A pal of Gladwell said...'
76
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:37,500
You ready?
77
00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:38,860
Uh-huh.
78
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,940
..how old the girl wasn't.
79
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:42,540
That's the sort of feeble excuse
80
00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:45,260
'only a naive school kid
would swallow -
81
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:47,180
'which, presumably, was the idea.
82
00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:51,340
'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'
83
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:54,420
The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
84
00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:57,060
in the disgraced paedophile
industry.
85
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,700
LAUGHTER
86
00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:01,260
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...
87
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,660
Um, small change to the intro.
88
00:04:03,740 --> 00:04:04,620
What?
89
00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:06,340
Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...
90
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,820
That was my bit.
91
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,060
There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
92
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,420
Bit politics.
93
00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:11,260
You can do politics.
94
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,820
I do piss-taking.
95
00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:13,900
Go be Waldo.
96
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:15,140
Yes, commander.
97
00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:17,060
'R Kelly believed he could fly,
98
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,420
'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'
99
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,500
(DEEP VOICE) Big ball
blue bear bollocks.
100
00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:24,260
And now it's time
for our final visit
101
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,700
to the world of educational
children's programming
102
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:28,260
courtesy of everyone's favourite,
103
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:31,700
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,
104
00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:33,060
Waldo.
105
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:38,540
Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
106
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,340
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
107
00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:44,700
Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this week
108
00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:47,700
I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.
109
00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:49,620
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
110
00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:51,900
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
111
00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:53,700
Want to see how it panned out?
112
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,340
I think we should.
113
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:56,700
Run VT!
114
00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:00,460
APPLAUSE
115
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,220
LAUGHTER
116
00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:10,980
Hey, everybody!
117
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,980
It's Waldo time!
118
00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:14,460
Yeah!
119
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,980
Cool! Cool!
120
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,980
Waldo-rrific!
121
00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:20,340
Ha-ha-ha!
122
00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:23,860
Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
123
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:25,420
Hello, Mr Monroe.
124
00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:26,820
Hello, Waldo.
125
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,900
Mr Monroe is a politician.
126
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,540
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
127
00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:38,420
Well, a politician is someone
128
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:41,140
who tries to make the
world a fairer place.
129
00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:42,700
Like Batman.
130
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:44,620
Not exactly like Batman.
131
00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:46,500
Do you beat people up?
132
00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:47,900
No, I don't beat people up.
133
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:49,460
Oh, you're a pussy then?
134
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,260
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...
135
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,980
You don't know what pussy is?
136
00:05:56,020 --> 00:05:57,340
LAUGHTER
137
00:05:58,580 --> 00:06:01,060
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
138
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,700
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
139
00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:04,980
Friends again?
140
00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:06,700
(KISSES)
141
00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:17,060
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
142
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,180
Well done, really good.
143
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:19,460
So, we'll bring him over.
144
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,260
You go and get him,
I'll explain about...
145
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,060
'Now, he comes across...'
146
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,420
Jamie!
147
00:06:24,460 --> 00:06:26,460
(WALDO'S VOICE)
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
148
00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,620
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
149
00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:29,340
Jack freaks me out.
150
00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:30,700
Yeah, ditto,
151
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:32,900
but he owns the company
and the man he's with is important
152
00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:33,700
and wants to talk to you.
153
00:06:33,740 --> 00:06:34,980
(SIGHS)
154
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,540
He's from the channel.
155
00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:38,060
Go on.
156
00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:38,820
'Honestly, all I'm saying...'
157
00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:40,260
'Is he shy?'
158
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,500
'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'
159
00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:43,820
Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
160
00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:44,820
How do you do?
161
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,060
Jim, Jack, James.
162
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,340
Jamie.
163
00:06:47,380 --> 00:06:49,980
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
164
00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:52,820
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
165
00:06:53,940 --> 00:06:55,260
Toys out the pram.
166
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,620
And that's...?
167
00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:57,980
Good press.
168
00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:00,420
It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,
169
00:07:00,460 --> 00:07:02,900
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
170
00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:05,340
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.
171
00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:08,780
You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's...it's...
172
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:09,980
'Jack?'
173
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:11,380
Excuse me.
174
00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:16,140
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
175
00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:20,620
Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,
176
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:23,220
but we want to see more of Waldo.
177
00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:26,620
They want to do a pilot.
178
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:27,540
A Waldo pilot?
179
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,700
Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
180
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,900
Yeah. Sounds good.
181
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:35,100
Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.
182
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:36,580
Going to give it to 'em.
183
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,220
PHONE BEEPS
184
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,180
But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.
185
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,180
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
186
00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:02,780
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
187
00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:05,540
Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.
188
00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:07,700
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
189
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,620
What about the Brown Knight?
190
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:11,180
What, the crap crusader?
191
00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:13,140
We can look into the Brown Knight.
192
00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:15,740
But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.
193
00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:20,700
The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.
194
00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:23,060
They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.
195
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,980
So, we think round that.
196
00:08:25,020 --> 00:08:27,660
(WALD) Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!
197
00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:29,820
Yeah! Ha-ha!
198
00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:32,700
He's awesome, isn't he?
199
00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:36,460
I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
200
00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:41,700
All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good shit?
201
00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:43,700
Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.
202
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,180
Good.
203
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:47,540
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
204
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:50,260
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
205
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,860
We should get Waldo down there.
206
00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:55,140
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
207
00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:58,340
We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.
208
00:08:58,380 --> 00:08:59,540
Like it.
209
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,780
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,
210
00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:03,620
we just turn up
and just get under his skin.
211
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,020
I love that, I love it.
212
00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:05,740
We've done Monroe.
213
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,100
But it was a great bit.
214
00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:09,540
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...
215
00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:12,900
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
216
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:13,980
Get people to vote for him?
217
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,180
He's not real.
218
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,700
But people have stood as
fictional characters before.
219
00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,980
Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?
220
00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:22,260
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
221
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,900
No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.
222
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,980
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
223
00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:30,660
Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
224
00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:53,540
'He's with a mum and baby group.'
225
00:09:53,580 --> 00:09:57,220
OK. Going live
in five...four...three two...
226
00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:59,900
'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'
227
00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:01,540
It's been incredibly informative
228
00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:04,740
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
229
00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:06,700
who were fantastic.
230
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:09,220
Thank you, Naomi.
231
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,100
Thank you for your time.
232
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,540
Hey!
233
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,100
Hey, it's me Waldo.
234
00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:20,540
Oh. I like your trainers, man!
235
00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:23,060
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
236
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,140
I've got stumps.
237
00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:25,580
(THEY LAUGH)
238
00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:26,380
He's out.
239
00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:28,460
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.
240
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,580
Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?
241
00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,700
Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?
242
00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:35,180
They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!
243
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:36,940
He said it!
244
00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:39,380
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
245
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:39,980
I'm sorry about this, Liam.
246
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:41,300
Hey, I'm being snubbed!
247
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:44,020
Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
248
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,260
It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!
249
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,300
Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.
250
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,300
Sure.
251
00:10:50,740 --> 00:10:52,300
Mr Monroe. Oi!
252
00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:55,500
PHONE RINGING
253
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:57,700
'Stentonford Labour Party.'
254
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,620
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
255
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:04,940
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
256
00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:06,620
This is like bloody Moonpig.
257
00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:09,780
Don't knock the free mail out.
258
00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:14,660
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.
259
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,180
He doesn't have to.
260
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:24,860
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
261
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:27,700
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
262
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,620
The licence fee is something
that's very close to my heart...
263
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:32,980
'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'
264
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,580
Hey, over here! Hey, over here...
265
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,580
Look over here, Mr Monroe...
266
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:39,380
The Conservative Party
have been, er...
267
00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:43,100
Have been arguing for a reduction
of the licence fee for...
268
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:43,860
Good morning, everybody.
269
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:44,900
Pardon?
270
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,340
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
271
00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:47,580
I beg your pardon.
272
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,660
I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
273
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,300
We have argued for a further
reduction in the licence fee...
274
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:53,100
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
275
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:54,900
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
276
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,340
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
277
00:11:56,380 --> 00:12:00,340
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.
278
00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:02,580
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
279
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:06,020
'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'
280
00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:09,540
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
281
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,860
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
282
00:12:14,740 --> 00:12:16,460
'I'm not ignoring you.'
283
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,660
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
284
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,780
You made Waldo sad.
285
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:24,300
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah.
286
00:12:26,020 --> 00:12:29,660
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...
287
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,860
WA-A-A-A-A-A-A...
288
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,180
(CROWD LAUGHS)
289
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,140
Let him get a word in.
290
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,780
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
291
00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:44,620
You are an image voiced
by a comedian -
292
00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:46,500
an alleged comedian,
more accurately.
293
00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:48,620
If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?
294
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:50,580
And by "him" I mean me, knobber!
295
00:12:50,620 --> 00:12:52,940
(CROWD LAUGHS)
296
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,460
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
297
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:58,260
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
298
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:01,660
Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!
299
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:03,420
Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!
300
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:04,940
(CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS)
301
00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:06,820
Uh-er-ha-ha!
302
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,940
Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!
303
00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:12,500
Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh!
304
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:13,900
Finished.
305
00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:14,900
(CROWD LAUGHS)
306
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,020
Drink?
307
00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:24,620
I've got e-mails.
308
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:34,220
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
309
00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:35,500
The Labour candidate.
310
00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:39,100
Did you read my background doc?
311
00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:40,260
Yes.
312
00:13:41,860 --> 00:13:44,300
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
313
00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:57,140
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...
314
00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:59,180
Are you my dad?
315
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:02,060
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
316
00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:07,140
(TELEVISION)'..Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.
317
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,660
'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaign
318
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,660
'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'
319
00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:17,780
Someone's bold? Do I know you?
320
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:20,140
Nice way to greet a voter...
321
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:22,100
Sorry, I thought you were...
322
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:25,180
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
323
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:28,660
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
324
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:29,900
You're good at that!
325
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:31,020
Because I am that.
326
00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:32,140
What? You're that thing?
327
00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:35,580
Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.
328
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:39,860
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
329
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:43,380
Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.
330
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:44,500
Another one?
331
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:45,940
OK. One.
332
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:53,340
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...
333
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:54,380
No...
334
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:57,100
..like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...
335
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:58,140
Shh!
336
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,820
..but your party leader has to show
up because it's a...mid-thing...
337
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,020
Midterm by-election.
338
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:03,060
Terminology tits.
339
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,260
You are 12!
340
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,220
So because leaderballs is there,
341
00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:09,260
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
342
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,620
so it's good exposure.
343
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,100
You're not going to win,
you know you're not going to win...
344
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:13,140
Come on, shh.
345
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,180
You're not going to win though.
346
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:16,220
Of course not.
347
00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:17,420
So, why not be honest?
348
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,460
Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,
349
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,900
"so here's what I think anyway."?
350
00:15:20,940 --> 00:15:21,860
It doesn't work like that.
351
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,340
Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.
352
00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:27,580
You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.
353
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:31,580
I'm the voice of a blue bear...
354
00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:34,220
if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!
355
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:39,420
I can't see!
356
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,940
Hang on, there's a thing.
357
00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:47,780
Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?
358
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,540
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
359
00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:55,820
Shit, really?
360
00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:13,740
(You're amazing.)
361
00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:14,900
Sorry?
362
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,740
You're amazing?
363
00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:18,340
Oh, thank you!
364
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:38,540
(SIGHS)
365
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:43,780
What's up?
366
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:45,340
Nothing.
367
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,660
Are you sure?
368
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,100
It's just...
369
00:16:57,140 --> 00:16:59,820
..I haven't been happy in a while...
370
00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:04,620
..and this is good, you know?
371
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:05,620
Hm.
372
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:18,620
Can I...have your number?
373
00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:24,100
Yes! (GIGGLES)
374
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,020
Where's our mark this morning?
375
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,660
We're out on the road.
376
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,780
Ooh...bien sur.
377
00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:57,940
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
378
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:00,020
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
379
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,700
PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING
380
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:13,780
PHONE BEEPS
381
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:25,100
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
382
00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:28,300
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
383
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:32,620
'You're right. Strong Tory.'
384
00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:33,900
'I warned you.'
385
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:37,500
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
386
00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,380
CAR HORN BEEPING
387
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:40,900
I'm voting Waldo!
388
00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:47,020
I met Waldo last night.
389
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,820
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
390
00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:49,940
He's fun.
391
00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:51,540
Fun?
392
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:52,540
Mmm-hmm.
393
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:57,140
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
394
00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:58,700
Not really.
395
00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:00,340
Not really or no?
396
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:03,100
Er, not really.
397
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:05,420
Look, he's OK.
398
00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:06,620
He's a comedian -
399
00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:09,060
he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
400
00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:14,060
His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.
401
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,100
But...
402
00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:16,980
Don't see him again.
403
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:26,660
OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.
404
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:30,780
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
405
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,780
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
406
00:19:32,820 --> 00:19:35,860
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
407
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,100
It's students, you'll walk it.
408
00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:38,980
I can't answer
serious questions...
409
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:42,100
No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
410
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:57,660
Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...
411
00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:00,140
PHONE RINGING
412
00:20:00,180 --> 00:20:05,420
Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?
413
00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:07,260
TONE BEEPING
414
00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:22,140
Hey.
415
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,180
Oh, hi.
416
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:23,900
I thought we were going to...?
417
00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:25,380
Sorry - I've had a tough day...
418
00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:26,780
Right. Not even one?
419
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:28,260
Sorry.
420
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,820
Well, what about tomorrow?
421
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:32,740
Look, I can't, when this
is happening, I can't see you.
422
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:33,860
What do you mean?
423
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,100
I'm sorry.
424
00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:55,140
Do they think that
looks like Question Time?
425
00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:57,180
Yeah. It looks politicsy.
426
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:00,820
Check the host.
427
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:01,940
Jailbait Dimbleby.
428
00:21:09,580 --> 00:21:13,300
When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,
429
00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:15,460
but we shouldn't patronise.
430
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,860
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence, that is
431
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:21,460
committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...
432
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:22,660
AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY
433
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,940
Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.
434
00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:26,340
Waldo, what do you think?
435
00:21:26,380 --> 00:21:27,980
Mr Monroe, are you addicted?
436
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,740
No.
437
00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:31,740
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?
438
00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:32,900
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
439
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:35,980
I think we have to ask ourselves...
440
00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:39,420
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
441
00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:43,340
And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?
442
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:45,100
AUDIENCE WHOOPING
443
00:21:45,140 --> 00:21:46,300
I mean why?
444
00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:47,340
Why? I mean why?
445
00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:49,340
(ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why?
446
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:50,860
I mean why? I mean why?
447
00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:54,340
This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...
448
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:55,900
They laugh at you, Limbo.
449
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:58,380
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.
450
00:21:58,420 --> 00:22:02,860
Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.
451
00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:05,500
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
452
00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:10,340
I'm...I'm...I'm
speaking about James Salter.
453
00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:11,620
Hm?
454
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:15,380
Don't worry about it.
455
00:22:15,420 --> 00:22:17,460
That's your name, isn't it?
456
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,980
James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
457
00:22:20,020 --> 00:22:22,900
He's 33 years old,
458
00:22:22,940 --> 00:22:26,740
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
459
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,260
You were in a sketch troupe
460
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:30,660
that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,
461
00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:32,740
and the others moved on to
better things,
462
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:35,500
but your main achievement seems to
have been playing
463
00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:37,180
the part of a corn on the cob
464
00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:40,300
in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.
465
00:22:40,340 --> 00:22:41,620
LAUGHTER
466
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,460
I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.
467
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:46,660
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
468
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:49,500
Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.
469
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:55,980
See, this is...this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
470
00:22:56,020 --> 00:22:57,460
He mocks.
471
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,980
And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,
472
00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:02,820
which is actually quite often,
he just swears.
473
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:07,940
I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases the
474
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:12,020
process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.
475
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:16,620
So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?
476
00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:19,820
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
477
00:23:19,860 --> 00:23:22,460
Prove me wrong. Hm?
478
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,580
Speak, Waldo.
479
00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:28,780
Please. Come on. Speak up.
480
00:23:31,980 --> 00:23:34,380
There you see, nothing.
481
00:23:34,420 --> 00:23:35,460
Oh, go fuck yourself.
482
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,580
LAUGHTER
483
00:23:37,620 --> 00:23:39,340
It's more swearing.
484
00:23:39,380 --> 00:23:40,660
You're a joke.
485
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:41,900
You look less human than I do
486
00:23:41,940 --> 00:23:44,060
and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.
487
00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:45,860
LAUGHTER
488
00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:51,380
What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.
489
00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:54,260
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?
490
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,620
No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.
491
00:23:56,660 --> 00:23:57,940
The vast majority do vote.
492
00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:58,820
It's bullshit.
493
00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:00,100
Surely this is enough?
494
00:24:00,140 --> 00:24:01,740
You think you deserve respect.
495
00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:02,820
Just common courtesy.
496
00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:04,260
Because you went to public school
497
00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:06,460
and believed you were
entitled to everything.
498
00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:07,180
Perhaps we could get back...
499
00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:08,540
Ad hominem nonsense...
500
00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:09,700
Gwendolyn Harris...
501
00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:12,740
Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they know
502
00:24:12,780 --> 00:24:15,460
you don't give a shit about anything
outside your bubble.
503
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:18,180
What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?
504
00:24:18,220 --> 00:24:20,940
You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?
505
00:24:20,980 --> 00:24:22,180
No, of course not.
506
00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:26,460
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
507
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,460
and in that way you're all the same.
508
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:33,220
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
509
00:24:33,260 --> 00:24:35,740
Well, of course I think no...
510
00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:38,780
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
511
00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:40,540
Seriously, she's faker than him.
512
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:43,180
For once I agree with
Liam Monroe in that this...
513
00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:43,620
Are you going to win?
514
00:24:43,660 --> 00:24:46,820
..doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...
515
00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:48,300
Tell them why you're here.
516
00:24:48,340 --> 00:24:49,820
..if we can't have anything
resembling a deba...
517
00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:51,900
Tell them why you're here.
518
00:24:55,060 --> 00:24:57,180
She's here to build a showreel.
519
00:24:57,340 --> 00:24:59,740
I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.
520
00:24:59,780 --> 00:25:01,940
Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,
521
00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:03,220
to get on telly.
522
00:25:03,260 --> 00:25:05,860
She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here than
523
00:25:05,900 --> 00:25:08,220
he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.
524
00:25:08,260 --> 00:25:09,460
Am I wrong?
525
00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:13,460
A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,
526
00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:14,740
and I can do this.
527
00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:17,060
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
528
00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:20,820
Can I just make
a couple of points?
529
00:25:20,860 --> 00:25:22,540
Oh, shut up, you pebble.
530
00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:25,220
What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
531
00:25:25,260 --> 00:25:28,220
And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.
532
00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:31,460
What are you for? What are you for?
533
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:33,220
Thank you and goodnight.
534
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:34,540
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
535
00:26:21,420 --> 00:26:24,020
KNOCKING
536
00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:25,980
Jamie.
537
00:26:27,780 --> 00:26:28,940
Jamie?
538
00:26:30,580 --> 00:26:33,020
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
539
00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:35,380
You can't avoid it.
540
00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:43,980
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
541
00:26:58,420 --> 00:27:00,540
(TV) 'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,
542
00:27:00,580 --> 00:27:02,860
'it's clearly tapped a nerve.
543
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:05,620
'in just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.
544
00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:09,540
'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million times
545
00:27:09,580 --> 00:27:12,860
'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on Waldo
546
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:15,660
'to form a national party.'
547
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:17,380
'You're a joke.
548
00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:20,460
'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
549
00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:22,660
'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you?
550
00:27:22,820 --> 00:27:25,300
'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.
551
00:27:25,340 --> 00:27:29,260
'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.
552
00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:32,100
'No-one takes you (BLEEP)
seriously.'
553
00:27:32,140 --> 00:27:33,500
MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
554
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,460
Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!
555
00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:44,180
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
556
00:27:44,220 --> 00:27:45,220
Shitifying.
557
00:27:46,780 --> 00:27:48,300
You are everywhere, my son.
558
00:27:48,340 --> 00:27:50,460
Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?
559
00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:52,660
You're in third place, mate.
560
00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:54,260
You overtook that Lib Dem prick...
561
00:27:54,300 --> 00:27:55,540
Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
562
00:27:55,580 --> 00:27:56,900
This is an opportunity, Jamie.
563
00:27:56,940 --> 00:27:58,940
He knows my name now.
564
00:27:58,980 --> 00:28:00,740
We could really do something here.
565
00:28:00,780 --> 00:28:03,100
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
566
00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:04,940
And Waldo gives that a voice.
567
00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:07,740
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
568
00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:09,300
Tell him, Tams.
569
00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:11,540
We've been asked on Consensus.
570
00:28:11,580 --> 00:28:14,980
It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.
571
00:28:15,020 --> 00:28:16,100
Pitbull Crane?
572
00:28:16,140 --> 00:28:17,180
Big guns for big guns.
573
00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:20,460
Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.
574
00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:21,820
We know that you hate politics.
575
00:28:21,860 --> 00:28:24,380
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
576
00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:26,100
You don't need to be
interested in them.
577
00:28:26,140 --> 00:28:27,420
You just need to be Waldo.
578
00:28:28,900 --> 00:28:31,420
And when Crane asks something tricky
and I look stupid
579
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:32,340
because I don't know how to answer?
580
00:28:32,380 --> 00:28:34,420
You'll know the answer.
581
00:28:34,460 --> 00:28:36,180
Because you have a producer.
582
00:28:36,220 --> 00:28:39,820
Look, I can tell you what to say.
583
00:28:39,860 --> 00:28:42,580
I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,
584
00:28:42,620 --> 00:28:43,620
whatever else you need.
585
00:28:43,660 --> 00:28:46,020
So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuff
586
00:28:46,060 --> 00:28:48,420
and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.
587
00:28:48,460 --> 00:28:50,460
You'll piss all over Crane.
588
00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:52,540
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
589
00:28:52,580 --> 00:28:55,140
Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
590
00:28:55,180 --> 00:28:58,220
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
591
00:28:58,260 --> 00:29:00,700
Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?
592
00:29:04,140 --> 00:29:05,500
Jamie! Jamie!
593
00:29:05,540 --> 00:29:06,860
Why would I want to do this?
594
00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:09,780
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
595
00:29:09,820 --> 00:29:11,260
I don't know what you're on about.
596
00:29:11,300 --> 00:29:14,180
Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don't
597
00:29:14,220 --> 00:29:17,220
give a shit about anything
except trainers and pirating films.
598
00:29:17,260 --> 00:29:19,940
Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?
599
00:29:19,980 --> 00:29:23,580
Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
600
00:29:23,620 --> 00:29:24,900
They'll vote for Waldo.
601
00:29:24,940 --> 00:29:26,380
The video was a hit for a reason.
602
00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:28,700
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
603
00:29:28,740 --> 00:29:30,620
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -
604
00:29:30,660 --> 00:29:32,820
Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
605
00:29:32,860 --> 00:29:34,100
We can build on that.
606
00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:35,180
Waldo's not real.
607
00:29:35,220 --> 00:29:38,980
Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,
608
00:29:39,020 --> 00:29:40,540
but he's realer than all the others.
609
00:29:40,580 --> 00:29:42,260
He doesn't stand for anything.
610
00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:44,660
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
611
00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:47,180
Look we...we don't need politicians,
612
00:29:47,220 --> 00:29:50,020
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
613
00:29:50,060 --> 00:29:53,580
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
614
00:29:53,620 --> 00:29:57,340
Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
615
00:29:57,380 --> 00:30:00,220
That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.
616
00:30:00,260 --> 00:30:03,220
So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the most
617
00:30:03,260 --> 00:30:07,260
popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.
618
00:30:09,380 --> 00:30:11,300
Well, today it's Waldo.
619
00:30:11,340 --> 00:30:13,860
No. It's still the dog.
620
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:16,500
Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can change
621
00:30:16,540 --> 00:30:18,540
if we fuck the politicians
out the equation?
622
00:30:18,580 --> 00:30:21,020
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
623
00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:29,100
Do you know who owns Waldo?
624
00:30:29,140 --> 00:30:30,300
I do, I own the rights.
625
00:30:32,900 --> 00:30:34,180
He's my character.
626
00:30:34,220 --> 00:30:35,780
Yeah, written for my show.
627
00:30:36,860 --> 00:30:41,540
You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.
628
00:30:41,580 --> 00:30:43,420
But also, fuck off!
629
00:30:43,460 --> 00:30:44,500
And watch me fly.
630
00:30:44,540 --> 00:30:46,820
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
631
00:30:49,540 --> 00:30:53,020
(MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?
632
00:30:55,260 --> 00:30:56,500
Pretty close, I'd say.
633
00:31:07,750 --> 00:31:09,710
What's happenin'? Ahh!
634
00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:13,550
Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!
635
00:31:13,590 --> 00:31:14,790
Why is it going off left again?
636
00:31:14,830 --> 00:31:15,630
Because the...
637
00:31:15,670 --> 00:31:16,590
I know! I've got my...
638
00:31:16,630 --> 00:31:17,870
Put your thumb in the white thing.
639
00:31:17,910 --> 00:31:19,830
I got that. In there? OK.
640
00:31:19,870 --> 00:31:21,470
That's not how that works.
641
00:31:30,470 --> 00:31:34,790
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
642
00:31:34,830 --> 00:31:38,510
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
643
00:31:38,550 --> 00:31:41,790
Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.
644
00:31:41,830 --> 00:31:43,630
He doesn't even have a surname.
645
00:31:43,670 --> 00:31:48,070
He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.
646
00:31:48,110 --> 00:31:51,710
Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.
647
00:31:51,750 --> 00:31:53,030
Vote Waldo.
648
00:31:53,070 --> 00:31:56,230
Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdain
649
00:31:56,270 --> 00:31:59,030
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
650
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:04,350
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
651
00:32:04,390 --> 00:32:07,630
ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?
652
00:32:08,830 --> 00:32:10,710
Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?
653
00:32:10,750 --> 00:32:14,150
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
654
00:32:14,190 --> 00:32:16,150
Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?
655
00:32:16,190 --> 00:32:17,230
No.
656
00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:18,710
Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?
657
00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:19,710
No, I...
658
00:32:19,750 --> 00:32:20,790
Bell-ends then?
659
00:32:20,830 --> 00:32:22,350
Did you come for a discussion
or...
660
00:32:22,390 --> 00:32:25,590
You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.
661
00:32:25,630 --> 00:32:28,470
You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.
662
00:32:28,510 --> 00:32:31,230
To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
663
00:32:31,270 --> 00:32:34,070
you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich
live on air.
664
00:32:34,110 --> 00:32:35,710
Make a nice prawn cocktail.
665
00:32:35,750 --> 00:32:37,870
Could we make a serious
political point that is...
666
00:32:37,910 --> 00:32:39,790
I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.
667
00:32:39,830 --> 00:32:40,590
Would you like to have a look at it?
668
00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:41,630
Oh, God. Thank you.
669
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:44,430
Great work tonight. Look at...Look
at this, look at this.
670
00:32:44,470 --> 00:32:47,590
It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
671
00:32:47,630 --> 00:32:49,430
so that when you're at a polling
station,
672
00:32:49,470 --> 00:32:51,110
it unlocks loads of free shit, look.
673
00:32:51,190 --> 00:32:52,430
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
674
00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:54,990
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
675
00:32:55,030 --> 00:32:56,150
It's good, isn't it?
676
00:32:56,190 --> 00:32:57,590
Who's this guy we're meeting?
677
00:32:57,630 --> 00:33:01,670
I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.
678
00:33:04,910 --> 00:33:07,590
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
679
00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:08,230
Hey. Hey.
680
00:33:08,270 --> 00:33:09,510
And I'll leap right in.
681
00:33:09,550 --> 00:33:12,110
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
682
00:33:12,150 --> 00:33:13,430
From "the agency"?
683
00:33:13,470 --> 00:33:17,070
Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
684
00:33:17,110 --> 00:33:18,590
Waldo The Bear.
685
00:33:18,630 --> 00:33:21,630
The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
686
00:33:21,670 --> 00:33:22,070
An assist?
687
00:33:22,110 --> 00:33:23,150
It helps.
688
00:33:23,190 --> 00:33:25,350
Right. You look at human
politicians,
689
00:33:25,390 --> 00:33:28,230
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
690
00:33:28,270 --> 00:33:29,430
Like the girls in porn.
691
00:33:29,470 --> 00:33:31,910
You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
692
00:33:31,950 --> 00:33:33,630
It's usually daddy issues, eh?
693
00:33:33,670 --> 00:33:35,910
Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.
694
00:33:35,950 --> 00:33:38,430
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
695
00:33:38,470 --> 00:33:39,870
I'm a person.
696
00:33:39,910 --> 00:33:41,790
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
697
00:33:41,830 --> 00:33:45,430
He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.
698
00:33:45,470 --> 00:33:47,390
The honesty thing works.
699
00:33:47,430 --> 00:33:51,630
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.
700
00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:53,590
At the moment he's anti-politics,
701
00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:56,630
which is a political stance itself,
right?
702
00:33:56,670 --> 00:33:59,750
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
703
00:33:59,790 --> 00:34:02,430
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
704
00:34:02,470 --> 00:34:06,350
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
705
00:34:06,390 --> 00:34:08,350
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
706
00:34:08,390 --> 00:34:11,510
and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.
707
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,870
He's the perfect assassin.
708
00:34:13,910 --> 00:34:15,590
We won't win, though.
709
00:34:19,310 --> 00:34:21,270
You guys are so British.
710
00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:25,430
No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.
711
00:34:25,470 --> 00:34:28,630
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the whole
712
00:34:28,790 --> 00:34:33,070
nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
713
00:34:33,110 --> 00:34:37,510
but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,
714
00:34:37,550 --> 00:34:40,710
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle
715
00:34:40,750 --> 00:34:45,150
via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainment
716
00:34:45,190 --> 00:34:47,710
product people actually want.
717
00:34:49,270 --> 00:34:51,070
You could roll this out worldwide.
718
00:34:51,110 --> 00:34:52,990
Like Pringles.
719
00:34:53,030 --> 00:34:54,390
Absolutely.
720
00:34:59,270 --> 00:35:02,790
It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.
721
00:35:02,830 --> 00:35:04,630
When you're done with Stentonford,
722
00:35:04,670 --> 00:35:07,230
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
723
00:35:07,270 --> 00:35:08,870
Se puede hablar espanol?
724
00:35:08,910 --> 00:35:11,270
Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
725
00:35:11,310 --> 00:35:13,150
Excelente.
726
00:35:32,110 --> 00:35:33,350
What?
727
00:35:34,670 --> 00:35:36,150
He's not coming.
728
00:35:36,190 --> 00:35:38,790
But he's the party leader!
729
00:35:38,830 --> 00:35:39,910
It's too toxic.
730
00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:45,910
(TV) Meanwhile,
as support for Gwendolyn Harris
731
00:35:45,950 --> 00:35:47,150
appears to be dwindling,
732
00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:51,070
Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.
733
00:35:51,110 --> 00:35:53,710
But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talks
734
00:35:53,750 --> 00:35:54,990
at party headqu...
735
00:35:58,670 --> 00:36:02,950
In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...
736
00:36:04,190 --> 00:36:06,670
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
737
00:36:06,710 --> 00:36:08,750
She looks like she's been poisoned.
738
00:36:08,790 --> 00:36:11,150
Because he's gonna overtake her.
739
00:36:11,190 --> 00:36:12,510
We're still way ahead.
740
00:36:12,550 --> 00:36:15,870
If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.
741
00:36:18,550 --> 00:36:21,110
Which it may well be.
742
00:36:21,150 --> 00:36:22,550
But it built these roads.
743
00:36:28,670 --> 00:36:29,670
KNOCK AT DOOR
744
00:36:30,670 --> 00:36:32,510
Just come in, Roy.
745
00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:40,510
I'm sorry, OK?
746
00:36:42,030 --> 00:36:44,430
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...
747
00:36:44,470 --> 00:36:46,870
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
748
00:36:48,150 --> 00:36:50,150
After the campaign!
749
00:36:50,190 --> 00:36:52,310
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
750
00:36:53,310 --> 00:36:57,070
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...
751
00:36:57,110 --> 00:37:00,070
Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".
752
00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:02,750
If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,
753
00:37:02,790 --> 00:37:05,830
but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.
754
00:37:07,110 --> 00:37:08,470
And what have you got?
755
00:37:10,030 --> 00:37:11,230
Who are you?
756
00:37:12,670 --> 00:37:14,270
What are you for?
757
00:37:21,430 --> 00:37:22,510
Morning.
758
00:37:32,470 --> 00:37:34,270
So, final push.
759
00:37:34,310 --> 00:37:35,950
You remind everyone
that's got the app
760
00:37:35,990 --> 00:37:39,710
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
761
00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:40,830
We're here.
762
00:37:43,750 --> 00:37:45,990
Attention, shoppers.
763
00:37:46,030 --> 00:37:49,430
I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.
764
00:37:49,470 --> 00:37:51,590
Come over here and listen.
765
00:37:54,110 --> 00:37:57,230
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
766
00:37:57,270 --> 00:37:58,790
Seriously.
767
00:37:58,830 --> 00:38:01,790
Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,
768
00:38:01,830 --> 00:38:03,630
or even that Lib Dem guy.
769
00:38:03,670 --> 00:38:05,270
He's a prick!
770
00:38:05,310 --> 00:38:08,910
Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
771
00:38:09,070 --> 00:38:10,070
What is this? Irony?
772
00:38:10,110 --> 00:38:11,790
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
773
00:38:11,830 --> 00:38:13,550
He's from the Harris campaign.
774
00:38:13,590 --> 00:38:15,790
I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!
775
00:38:15,830 --> 00:38:17,990
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
776
00:38:18,030 --> 00:38:19,910
Don't vote for me!
777
00:38:19,950 --> 00:38:21,670
Don't vmmmf!
778
00:38:24,030 --> 00:38:25,150
Shut up.
779
00:38:25,190 --> 00:38:27,070
No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!
780
00:38:27,110 --> 00:38:28,270
What are you doing?
781
00:38:28,310 --> 00:38:28,710
Resigning.
782
00:38:28,750 --> 00:38:29,950
Jamie!
783
00:38:31,390 --> 00:38:33,150
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
784
00:38:33,190 --> 00:38:36,350
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
785
00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:38,710
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.
786
00:38:38,750 --> 00:38:38,910
He's funny!
787
00:38:38,950 --> 00:38:40,070
He's not.
788
00:38:40,230 --> 00:38:42,630
Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!
789
00:38:42,670 --> 00:38:46,270
So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you can
790
00:38:46,310 --> 00:38:49,630
unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.
791
00:38:49,670 --> 00:38:53,990
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!
792
00:38:54,030 --> 00:38:55,270
Kill it! Kill it!
793
00:38:55,310 --> 00:38:57,150
Kick them where it hurts.
794
00:38:57,190 --> 00:38:59,790
The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!
795
00:38:59,830 --> 00:39:03,270
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.
796
00:39:03,310 --> 00:39:04,710
Smash it!
797
00:39:04,750 --> 00:39:06,870
Yeah! Yeah!
798
00:39:06,910 --> 00:39:11,230
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...
799
00:39:20,550 --> 00:39:21,910
(TV) I, the undersigned,
800
00:39:21,950 --> 00:39:24,030
being the returning
officer for the Stentonford
801
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,550
and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total number
802
00:39:27,590 --> 00:39:31,030
of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.
803
00:39:32,390 --> 00:39:35,990
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
804
00:39:36,030 --> 00:39:38,150
2,449.
805
00:39:38,190 --> 00:39:41,350
APPLAUSE
806
00:39:41,390 --> 00:39:44,790
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
807
00:39:44,830 --> 00:39:47,070
11,237.
808
00:39:47,110 --> 00:39:50,630
APPLAUSE AND BOOING
809
00:39:50,670 --> 00:39:55,110
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
810
00:39:55,150 --> 00:39:57,390
19,161.
811
00:39:57,430 --> 00:40:00,670
JEERING
812
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:06,150
Waldo, Independent.
813
00:40:09,710 --> 00:40:12,070
16,784.
814
00:40:12,110 --> 00:40:15,950
BOOING AND SHOUTING
815
00:40:15,990 --> 00:40:20,070
Ladies...Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam Monroe
816
00:40:20,110 --> 00:40:22,790
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
817
00:40:22,830 --> 00:40:25,070
BOOING
818
00:40:25,110 --> 00:40:27,430
Hey, hey! Everyone!
819
00:40:27,470 --> 00:40:29,950
500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!
820
00:41:00,390 --> 00:41:02,630
Up you get, come on.
821
00:41:02,670 --> 00:41:03,950
Come on!
822
00:41:06,230 --> 00:41:09,510
MECHANICAL WHIRRING
823
00:41:12,830 --> 00:41:14,510
Come on. Out you go.
824
00:41:46,310 --> 00:41:50,590
AUDIO IN MANDARIN
825
00:42:09,870 --> 00:42:10,910
GLASS SMASHES
826
00:42:10,950 --> 00:42:12,350
Oi!
827
00:42:13,670 --> 00:42:14,870
Agh!
828
00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:34,590
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