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1
00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:07,884
All right, let the heathens board.
2
00:00:08,096 --> 00:00:10,129
Maybe you should check
that compartment first.
3
00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,659
Happy birthday...
4
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,410
You know I can't eat
your supermarket trash.
5
00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:20,145
I need to keep it tight
for my party tonight.
6
00:00:20,170 --> 00:00:22,137
This is a milestone birthday for me.
7
00:00:22,172 --> 00:00:25,874
Right, because you're
turning thi... or... xty.
8
00:00:25,909 --> 00:00:27,637
People much smarter than
you have tried to figure out
9
00:00:27,684 --> 00:00:29,872
how old I am, and they have all failed.
10
00:00:29,872 --> 00:00:31,639
Relax. Your parties are always incredible.
11
00:00:31,674 --> 00:00:32,940
They get better and better every year.
12
00:00:32,975 --> 00:00:34,842
You think that's by
accident? It takes work.
13
00:00:34,877 --> 00:00:36,710
You just don't throw
together an avant-garde
14
00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:39,051
Bible-themed "Fashion of
the Christ" costume party.
15
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,065
Speaking of which, what's the costume?
16
00:00:41,472 --> 00:00:44,112
Well, I was thinking of being
a sexy Rachel from Laban,
17
00:00:44,149 --> 00:00:47,016
Genesis 29:16. It's a deep cut.
18
00:00:47,052 --> 00:00:49,018
No deep cuts! Stick to the hits.
19
00:00:49,054 --> 00:00:50,954
Hey there, team. Enough chitchat, Bernie,
20
00:00:50,989 --> 00:00:52,755
let's get to work... Two choices.
21
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:55,614
I've got sexy Nebuchadnezzar,
or sexy Goliath.
22
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,127
I'm leaning towards Goliath
because it shows off my thighs,
23
00:00:58,163 --> 00:00:59,801
and they're my second-best feature.
24
00:01:00,098 --> 00:01:02,534
Meaty but lean, like a fine turkey chili.
25
00:01:02,534 --> 00:01:04,342
- Goliath will be fine.
- Yes!
26
00:01:07,405 --> 00:01:09,096
There was no trash in there.
27
00:01:09,573 --> 00:01:11,340
It was a clean bag.
28
00:01:12,710 --> 00:01:13,709
Jackpot Airlines.
29
00:01:13,744 --> 00:01:15,644
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
30
00:01:20,551 --> 00:01:22,651
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:01:24,235 --> 00:01:26,902
Marcia Gimble is arguing the commons
32
00:01:26,938 --> 00:01:28,720
doesn't need a car-charging station.
33
00:01:28,973 --> 00:01:30,504
Honey, sit up straight.
34
00:01:31,242 --> 00:01:33,976
- Good afternoon.
- Hi. I'm Nichole.
35
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,145
We've never met before.
I'm on my way to Las Vegas
36
00:01:36,214 --> 00:01:38,233
for the very first time because my mother
37
00:01:38,513 --> 00:01:40,813
surprised me with backstage
passes to Celine Dion.
38
00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:43,430
She's very well-connected
because she's the deputy mayor
39
00:01:43,455 --> 00:01:45,832
of Calabasas, and frowns
upon almost everything.
40
00:01:45,832 --> 00:01:46,931
It's nice to meet you.
41
00:01:46,966 --> 00:01:48,216
You as well.
42
00:01:49,636 --> 00:01:51,002
She was the normal one.
43
00:01:51,180 --> 00:01:52,703
Are you tired
44
00:01:52,739 --> 00:01:54,839
of the same old restaurant experience?
45
00:01:54,874 --> 00:01:57,742
Then do what I do and head down to Broth,
46
00:01:57,810 --> 00:02:01,387
Vegas' finest new eatery,
where everything's soup,
47
00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:04,181
including you, because the dining room's
48
00:02:04,206 --> 00:02:05,673
a Jacuzzi.
49
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,632
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Is Bernard all right?
50
00:02:09,701 --> 00:02:11,400
I just wished him a happy birthday,
51
00:02:11,436 --> 00:02:12,668
and he said, "Why can't people just say
52
00:02:12,704 --> 00:02:14,504
'Merry Christmas' anymore?"
53
00:02:14,572 --> 00:02:16,706
Yeah, he's distracted today.
54
00:02:16,741 --> 00:02:18,708
He's just a little
wound up about his party.
55
00:02:18,743 --> 00:02:20,443
Bernard can get wound?
56
00:02:20,478 --> 00:02:22,191
Ah, I've only ever seen him be like...
57
00:02:22,218 --> 00:02:23,962
You know what, that's
probably not an impression
58
00:02:23,987 --> 00:02:25,019
I should be trying.
59
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,643
He just gets so worked up
60
00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:28,045
trying to top himself every year.
61
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,014
Honestly, he probably
shouldn't even be working today.
62
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:34,684
Oh, excuse me, I'm a very nervous flier.
63
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,822
Congratulations.
64
00:02:36,088 --> 00:02:37,087
So, you're coming tonight, right?
65
00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:38,855
No, no, I'm still going through
66
00:02:38,891 --> 00:02:40,057
this divorce nonsense.
67
00:02:40,092 --> 00:02:41,725
Meghan is determined make the whole thing
68
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:42,959
as ugly as possible.
69
00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:44,795
I mean, I married a magician's assistant,
70
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:46,610
and now she's making all
my possessions disappear.
71
00:02:46,637 --> 00:02:47,931
Well, that's exactly why you should come.
72
00:02:47,966 --> 00:02:49,550
It'll take your mind off of it.
73
00:02:49,550 --> 00:02:50,716
We'll drink, we'll take pictures.
74
00:02:50,751 --> 00:02:52,566
I will help you pretend you're happy.
75
00:02:52,753 --> 00:02:54,820
The best revenge is an act of social media.
76
00:02:54,889 --> 00:02:57,556
Right now, I am just using
it to follow majestic boats
77
00:02:57,625 --> 00:02:59,487
and this adorable Corgi.
78
00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:01,660
Oh, my God, he died?
79
00:03:02,145 --> 00:03:03,358
Piper.
80
00:03:04,019 --> 00:03:05,530
So, party then?
81
00:03:05,566 --> 00:03:08,283
Yes. It's what Piper would have wanted.
82
00:03:09,168 --> 00:03:10,669
He loved parties.
83
00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:15,847
So, how are classes going this semester?
84
00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:17,347
They're good. Actually, I have a friend
85
00:03:17,372 --> 00:03:18,932
who got me interested in econ.
86
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:19,965
so I'm thinking about...
87
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,833
Oh, sorry. Hold that thought.
88
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,384
Gotta go use the little
deputy mayor's room.
89
00:03:25,457 --> 00:03:27,105
So, let me guess.
90
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:29,489
Your mother surprised you with the trip,
91
00:03:29,489 --> 00:03:30,722
but she doesn't know you're a stripper,
92
00:03:30,757 --> 00:03:32,457
always take this flight.
93
00:03:32,492 --> 00:03:34,559
What a big pickle you have become.
94
00:03:34,628 --> 00:03:37,131
- How did you know?
- Well, I have seven senses.
95
00:03:37,156 --> 00:03:39,730
I can detect lies and ghosts.
96
00:03:39,766 --> 00:03:41,466
I want to tell my mom the truth,
97
00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:42,634
but she just wouldn't understand.
98
00:03:42,669 --> 00:03:44,402
She's an old-school feminist.
99
00:03:44,438 --> 00:03:45,737
I wasn't allowed to wear dresses growing up
100
00:03:45,772 --> 00:03:47,806
because, quote, "Mary
Tyler Moore fought hard
101
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:49,774
for our right to wear pants,
and we have to honor that."
102
00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:51,509
I understand your hesitance.
103
00:03:51,545 --> 00:03:53,678
Now, if there's anything I can do
104
00:03:53,714 --> 00:03:56,848
to make your first visit to Las Vegas
105
00:03:56,917 --> 00:03:59,651
more enjoyable, just let me know.
106
00:03:59,686 --> 00:04:00,819
Hello, I'm her mother.
107
00:04:00,854 --> 00:04:02,520
Oh, I thought you were younger sister.
108
00:04:03,690 --> 00:04:05,790
Cute. We're good. Thank you.
109
00:04:05,826 --> 00:04:08,727
I tell you, Alan, I cannot
wait for Bernard's party.
110
00:04:08,795 --> 00:04:11,730
This is the tush event of the season.
111
00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:13,665
Ooh, think you'll do another late night
112
00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:15,500
pawn shop engagement-ring run?
113
00:04:15,535 --> 00:04:17,535
No, I'm out of the
relationship game for good.
114
00:04:17,571 --> 00:04:19,008
I already have my one true love,
115
00:04:19,454 --> 00:04:20,572
and that's the sky.
116
00:04:20,641 --> 00:04:22,774
That's right, this bee
ain't looking for a queen.
117
00:04:22,809 --> 00:04:25,510
Tonight, he's all about the honey.
118
00:04:25,545 --> 00:04:27,512
T... The party's tonight?
119
00:04:27,547 --> 00:04:29,581
But it's my bowling championship.
120
00:04:29,616 --> 00:04:32,350
You promised that if I
advanced, you would come.
121
00:04:32,419 --> 00:04:35,157
Well, you advanced... and hopefully I will.
122
00:04:35,889 --> 00:04:37,589
No, I'm not gonna report it.
123
00:04:37,658 --> 00:04:39,691
I'm just saying it was a gross joke.
124
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,247
I'm sorry, Alan.
125
00:04:42,396 --> 00:04:45,254
Excuse me, I need to speak
to somebody about this flight.
126
00:04:45,465 --> 00:04:46,665
Hi. Captain Dave.
127
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,700
Go ahead and mainline
that praise right to me.
128
00:04:48,735 --> 00:04:52,604
Oh, the
praise, for
the lack of storage space,
129
00:04:52,639 --> 00:04:53,772
or the uncomfortable seats,
130
00:04:53,807 --> 00:04:56,112
or the white-knuckle landing?
131
00:04:56,137 --> 00:04:58,610
I mean, the autopilot could
have done a better job.
132
00:04:58,645 --> 00:05:00,512
Maybe, but let's see the autopilot
133
00:05:00,547 --> 00:05:02,580
take break dancing classes at the "Y."
134
00:05:02,616 --> 00:05:03,748
This is a terrible airline.
135
00:05:03,817 --> 00:05:05,684
I'll have you know that
Jackpot is ranked number one
136
00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:07,419
in completed customer surveys.
137
00:05:07,454 --> 00:05:09,354
We're first-class all the way.
138
00:05:09,389 --> 00:05:10,707
Just ask Nichole.
139
00:05:11,589 --> 00:05:12,691
How do you know Nichole?
140
00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:14,559
- She's one of my regulars.
- One of your...
141
00:05:15,063 --> 00:05:17,214
What is he talking about?
142
00:05:17,529 --> 00:05:18,629
Um...
143
00:05:19,869 --> 00:05:21,228
Okay, Mom,
144
00:05:21,253 --> 00:05:23,086
I haven't been totally honest with you.
145
00:05:23,507 --> 00:05:25,429
The truth is,
146
00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:28,698
Captain Dave knows me because...
147
00:05:32,812 --> 00:05:34,306
...he's my boyfriend.
148
00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:39,881
If I look surprised, it's
because I didn't think
149
00:05:39,951 --> 00:05:41,319
we were using labels yet.
150
00:05:45,698 --> 00:05:47,539
- This man is your boyfriend?
- Yep!
151
00:05:48,011 --> 00:05:49,707
It's only been a few weeks.
152
00:05:49,732 --> 00:05:52,774
We were nervous to tell
you, for obvious reasons
153
00:05:52,799 --> 00:05:54,499
- because he's so, so old.
- It's still very early.
154
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:55,800
Very early.
155
00:05:55,869 --> 00:05:58,770
It's just, I'm... It's so unexpected.
156
00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:00,739
I just don't... I don't know what to say.
157
00:06:00,874 --> 00:06:02,807
Well, why don't you think
about it while you get your bag?
158
00:06:05,679 --> 00:06:07,217
I don't like to be squeezed.
159
00:06:07,414 --> 00:06:08,713
Look, she doesn't know I'm a stripper.
160
00:06:08,815 --> 00:06:10,649
Jut pretend to be my
boyfriend for five minutes.
161
00:06:10,717 --> 00:06:12,097
It'll be the fastest
relationship of your life.
162
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:13,291
No, it won't.
163
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:15,491
Hey, Mom, well, I'm
glad you two got to meet.
164
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,526
- We should probably get going.
- Oh, no, hold on a second.
165
00:06:17,595 --> 00:06:20,040
I just met your boyfriend, I'd
like to get to know him better.
166
00:06:20,065 --> 00:06:21,931
Would you like to join us for dinner, Dave?
167
00:06:21,956 --> 00:06:23,956
Oh, he can't, he has a
coworker's birthday party.
168
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,441
Oh, sounds fun. We'll tag along.
169
00:06:25,536 --> 00:06:27,436
It's a Bible thing... We'd
have to have a costume.
170
00:06:27,505 --> 00:06:29,056
Nichole, I'm your mother.
171
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,373
If I want to get to know
your boyfriend better
172
00:06:30,398 --> 00:06:31,916
and dress up like Jesus of Nazareth,
173
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,070
that's what we're doing.
174
00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:36,394
Your mother is terrifying.
175
00:06:36,445 --> 00:06:38,478
Yeah. Well, you don't get
to the top of the middle
176
00:06:38,547 --> 00:06:40,438
of local politics without
busting a few balls.
177
00:06:40,463 --> 00:06:41,419
Mm.
178
00:06:42,684 --> 00:06:44,684
_
179
00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:52,525
Wow.
180
00:06:52,594 --> 00:06:54,628
For my birthday, I usually
just go to a hotel room
181
00:06:54,696 --> 00:06:56,596
so I can read in a different bed.
182
00:06:57,246 --> 00:07:01,128
Hey, Bernard, this party's incredible.
183
00:07:01,153 --> 00:07:02,186
Halt!
184
00:07:02,504 --> 00:07:03,537
Don't mock me.
185
00:07:03,605 --> 00:07:04,638
If it were truly incredible,
186
00:07:04,673 --> 00:07:06,306
you would be speechless.
187
00:07:06,442 --> 00:07:09,342
This party is still
severely lacking. Just look.
188
00:07:09,411 --> 00:07:10,644
The magician is turning
the water into merlot
189
00:07:10,712 --> 00:07:12,312
instead of rosé.
190
00:07:12,381 --> 00:07:13,580
We need one more big spectacle
191
00:07:13,649 --> 00:07:15,248
to put this birthday over the top.
192
00:07:15,317 --> 00:07:16,316
And I'm going to find it.
193
00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:17,517
Storm me off.
194
00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:19,533
I said storm!
195
00:07:20,185 --> 00:07:22,452
I'm not sure how I feel
about Birthday Bernard.
196
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,151
Hey, look.
197
00:07:24,389 --> 00:07:26,945
Ronnie came dressed like Mary.
198
00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:28,424
Joseph and Mary, right?
199
00:07:28,493 --> 00:07:30,259
You were meant to be.
200
00:07:30,328 --> 00:07:32,428
I think that Ronnie-Colin ship has sailed.
201
00:07:32,497 --> 00:07:34,794
the Earth is round,
202
00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:37,166
so a sailed ship is coming back.
203
00:07:37,268 --> 00:07:39,268
She asked you to come.
204
00:07:39,887 --> 00:07:41,314
That is good sign.
205
00:07:41,339 --> 00:07:42,538
Okay, okay, I'll go say hi.
206
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,737
Although, I'm not gonna
lie, half the reason
207
00:07:44,806 --> 00:07:46,005
is to end this conversation.
208
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,135
- Yeah, it has run its course.
- Have fun, friend.
209
00:07:49,446 --> 00:07:50,712
Hey, the Virgin Mary?
210
00:07:50,814 --> 00:07:52,714
- It's me, Joseph.
- Hey, that's crazy.
211
00:07:52,783 --> 00:07:54,349
Well, it was the simplest of the costumes
212
00:07:54,384 --> 00:07:56,052
on Bernard's preapproved list.
213
00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:57,952
Oh, yeah, that's why Bryan chose it, too.
214
00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,020
- Hey, babe.
- Hey. You remember Bryan.
215
00:08:00,122 --> 00:08:02,056
- Nope.
- Really? 'Cause I feel like we've met
216
00:08:02,158 --> 00:08:05,366
a bunch of times before;
the plane, the restaurant.
217
00:08:05,581 --> 00:08:07,463
Well, I go on a lot of planes, Ryan.
218
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:08,754
It's Bryan.
219
00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:10,588
Ah. It's a beautiful name.
220
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,600
So I was looking to hook up tonight.
221
00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:20,602
How does our fake dating affect my chances?
222
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,040
Negatively.
223
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,723
Damn it. You owe me for this.
224
00:08:23,748 --> 00:08:25,348
Not sexually.
225
00:08:25,450 --> 00:08:27,383
Just... get me a gift card.
226
00:08:27,485 --> 00:08:28,618
Okay.
227
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,753
- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
228
00:08:30,822 --> 00:08:34,060
So, Patricia, or should I
call you Madam Deputy Mayor?
229
00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,818
Patricia is fine.
230
00:08:35,871 --> 00:08:37,637
I'm not just a politician.
231
00:08:37,706 --> 00:08:40,316
I'm also co-owner of Calabasics,
232
00:08:40,341 --> 00:08:42,274
Southern California's number one retailer
233
00:08:42,343 --> 00:08:44,189
of tasteful ponchos for women who work.
234
00:08:44,189 --> 00:08:45,254
I love that store.
235
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:46,523
Those ponchos are not
just for women who work,
236
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,382
they're also for men who
want to be comfortable.
237
00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:49,327
Mm.
238
00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:52,129
So, Dave, tell me, what made
you decide to become a pilot?
239
00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:54,164
Well, Patricia, it all
started when I first read
240
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:55,989
the story of Icarus,
241
00:08:55,989 --> 00:08:58,923
who flew so close to the
sun with no repercussions.
242
00:08:59,025 --> 00:09:00,958
Okay, Bernard, what
are you doing with that?
243
00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,159
Damage control.
244
00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:03,895
Not one person has yet said,
245
00:09:03,963 --> 00:09:05,229
"Bernard, you've outdone yourself."
246
00:09:05,265 --> 00:09:07,164
Not my brunch club, not my champagne club.
247
00:09:07,233 --> 00:09:09,745
Not even anyone from my
gossip and cheese group,
248
00:09:09,818 --> 00:09:11,130
The Crass Fromagerie.
249
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:13,346
What I need is a big biblical set piece,
250
00:09:13,371 --> 00:09:15,919
which is why I'm setting up a
burning bush s'mores station.
251
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,854
S'mores seems a little off theme.
252
00:09:17,922 --> 00:09:20,089
I'm sorry. Who the hell invited her?
253
00:09:21,793 --> 00:09:23,953
Ooh, the foot-washing station is open.
254
00:09:23,991 --> 00:09:26,120
Bryan, do you want to go get
your feet washed in public?
255
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,119
No, I'm good.
256
00:09:27,189 --> 00:09:28,421
Okay, your loss.
257
00:09:30,058 --> 00:09:31,091
So...
258
00:09:31,420 --> 00:09:32,485
So you're a chef.
259
00:09:32,554 --> 00:09:34,354
Um, how did you get into that?
260
00:09:34,423 --> 00:09:36,590
It started in the Marines.
I'd cook for my unit sometimes.
261
00:09:36,658 --> 00:09:38,066
- You were a Marine?
- Yeah.
262
00:09:38,091 --> 00:09:39,137
Like Rob Riggle?
263
00:09:39,137 --> 00:09:40,868
Yeah. I joined after college.
264
00:09:40,893 --> 00:09:43,860
Uh, I had a professor who changed my life.
265
00:09:43,929 --> 00:09:46,797
No way. A professor had
a profound effect on you?
266
00:09:46,865 --> 00:09:48,260
- Yeah.
- Huh.
267
00:09:48,328 --> 00:09:50,600
He sat me down one day, and he said,
268
00:09:50,669 --> 00:09:52,217
- "Whatever you do..."
- Hmm.
269
00:09:52,738 --> 00:09:55,054
"...do not be a professor.
270
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,635
Do something that actually matters."
271
00:09:59,013 --> 00:10:00,112
So, what do you do?
272
00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:02,152
- I'm a professor.
- Professor.
273
00:10:06,232 --> 00:10:08,232
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
274
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:09,611
What... you-you leaving?
275
00:10:09,665 --> 00:10:11,834
I was thinking about it, Dave, yes.
276
00:10:11,918 --> 00:10:13,540
Look, if there's anything
I've learned from being trapped
277
00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:15,298
in a long-term fictional relationship
278
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,233
over the past two and a half hours,
279
00:10:17,302 --> 00:10:19,602
is that you got to enjoy
your freedom while it lasts.
280
00:10:19,671 --> 00:10:21,437
Dude, look around, there
are chicks everywhere,
281
00:10:21,506 --> 00:10:23,406
and, like, five other straight dudes.
282
00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:26,242
I don't know if it's the helmet,
283
00:10:26,311 --> 00:10:28,162
but you're kind of making sense to me.
284
00:10:28,446 --> 00:10:30,613
There are several Eves
looking for their Adam.
285
00:10:30,682 --> 00:10:32,282
It's too bad Alan's not here.
286
00:10:32,350 --> 00:10:33,449
He's a great wingman.
287
00:10:33,552 --> 00:10:35,185
- I'm here! And I won.
- Uh...
288
00:10:35,287 --> 00:10:36,286
He is here.
289
00:10:36,354 --> 00:10:37,320
Let's go bag some strange.
290
00:10:37,389 --> 00:10:38,488
Stand back.
291
00:10:38,557 --> 00:10:40,497
I'm going to go enjoy myself.
292
00:10:41,626 --> 00:10:43,359
Hello, Dave.
293
00:10:43,428 --> 00:10:45,395
I thought we could have a word.
294
00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:46,563
Without Nichole.
295
00:10:46,631 --> 00:10:48,631
Ah. I knew this was coming.
296
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,104
Patricia, I know, as a politician,
297
00:10:51,129 --> 00:10:53,469
a pilot's endorsement is very valuable...
298
00:10:53,605 --> 00:10:56,206
I want to be really clear about something.
299
00:10:56,274 --> 00:10:58,608
My daughter is not just
some plaything, okay?
300
00:10:58,677 --> 00:11:00,343
I know what you are.
301
00:11:00,378 --> 00:11:02,412
You've been divorced, what, three times?
302
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,381
You're lonely, you're not
man enough to admit it,
303
00:11:05,483 --> 00:11:07,450
so you hide behind these empty declarations
304
00:11:07,519 --> 00:11:10,320
like "The sky is my mistress,"
and similar nonsense,
305
00:11:10,388 --> 00:11:13,122
and you seek out relationships
306
00:11:13,191 --> 00:11:15,158
with women 30 years
younger who can't hurt you
307
00:11:15,227 --> 00:11:16,559
as much as you've been hurt before.
308
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:20,430
So I see what you're
doing, and I don't like it.
309
00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:31,985
Hey, do you want to borrow this?
310
00:11:31,985 --> 00:11:33,184
- It's a total chick magnet.
- Uh,
311
00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:35,153
that actually won't be necessary, Alan.
312
00:11:35,188 --> 00:11:36,821
I'm a Brit in America.
313
00:11:36,857 --> 00:11:38,223
All I have to do is up the accent,
314
00:11:38,258 --> 00:11:40,091
do a bit of Hugh Grant phumphering...
315
00:11:40,127 --> 00:11:41,860
and, uh, everything, um,
316
00:11:41,929 --> 00:11:44,996
rather falls into place.
317
00:11:45,863 --> 00:11:49,000
Um, u-uh, hello, old chap, a pint of, uh,
318
00:11:49,036 --> 00:11:50,101
whatever you're pouring.
319
00:11:50,359 --> 00:11:52,003
And I'll have one of those, too.
320
00:11:52,039 --> 00:11:54,005
Pardon me for saying so,
but it's as if I'm looking
321
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:57,842
at an angel, uh, in, uh, is
it, what, devil's clothing?
322
00:11:57,911 --> 00:12:00,178
You sound
like
Love Actually.
323
00:12:00,213 --> 00:12:01,669
- Ah.
- I'm Rose.
324
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,536
And that, Alan, is how you... oh.
325
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:06,634
Oh, dear God. Oh.
326
00:12:07,148 --> 00:12:09,081
Hey. Where'd Colin go?
327
00:12:09,117 --> 00:12:11,083
He's over there, talking to the Devil.
328
00:12:11,119 --> 00:12:12,768
Who is she?
329
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:15,121
I think she's actually
the magician's assistant.
330
00:12:15,541 --> 00:12:17,380
He's flirting with a magician's assistant?
331
00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:18,412
Uh, seriously?
332
00:12:18,448 --> 00:12:20,114
I finally figured out
333
00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:21,415
how to take this party to the next level.
334
00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:23,384
I'm
going to walk on water.
335
00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:25,386
Ronnie, I just need you
to come out to the pool,
336
00:12:25,455 --> 00:12:28,289
squeeze me into my harness and
set up my wires and pulleys.
337
00:12:28,324 --> 00:12:30,291
Yeah, okay, uh, can you help him with that?
338
00:12:30,326 --> 00:12:31,738
I don't think anyone can.
339
00:12:31,796 --> 00:12:33,162
Thanks. I just, I ha...
I have to talk to Colin
340
00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:35,098
before he does something he'll regret. I...
341
00:12:36,053 --> 00:12:38,739
Have you ever operated a lift
line in a theatrical production?
342
00:12:38,789 --> 00:12:40,155
No, so I probably shouldn't.
343
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,158
Your hair is one strike. Don't make it two.
344
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:45,290
And then I was like, "Is
it really credit card fraud
345
00:12:45,370 --> 00:12:46,679
if it's your sister?"
346
00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:48,031
- No. No. No.
- No.
347
00:12:48,697 --> 00:12:49,797
Oh.
348
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:50,798
I'll be right back.
349
00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:52,767
I've got to do one quick thing.
350
00:12:57,024 --> 00:12:58,023
Hey.
351
00:12:58,092 --> 00:13:00,659
- Mm? Hi.
- Hi. Uh, I just thought
352
00:13:00,694 --> 00:13:03,622
I'd come over and stop you
from making a huge mistake.
353
00:13:03,622 --> 00:13:04,621
Uh, what are you talking about?
354
00:13:04,657 --> 00:13:05,956
Talking about that girl.
355
00:13:05,992 --> 00:13:08,341
Colin, she's exactly like your ex-wife.
356
00:13:08,404 --> 00:13:10,628
That whole look and that vibe
357
00:13:10,628 --> 00:13:13,508
and that, like, that wide-eyed
head tilt thing that she does.
358
00:13:13,546 --> 00:13:14,612
I mean,
359
00:13:14,647 --> 00:13:15,713
I mean, for God's sake,
360
00:13:15,748 --> 00:13:17,269
she's even a magician's assistant.
361
00:13:20,753 --> 00:13:22,156
Okay. Did not know that.
362
00:13:22,622 --> 00:13:24,755
But, so what? I have a type.
363
00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:27,388
And all I'm doing is having
some fun and some drinks.
364
00:13:27,388 --> 00:13:28,421
Okay. Yeah, well, the last time
365
00:13:28,456 --> 00:13:30,122
you got drunk with a woman like that,
366
00:13:30,158 --> 00:13:31,224
it led to a nasty divorce
367
00:13:31,259 --> 00:13:33,259
and you following dead dogs on Instagram.
368
00:13:33,294 --> 00:13:34,427
Oh, Piper.
369
00:13:34,462 --> 00:13:36,462
I'd forgotten about that.
Thanks a lot, Ronnie.
370
00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:38,264
Sorry, I'm just trying to look out for you.
371
00:13:38,299 --> 00:13:39,332
I don't need your help.
372
00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:41,133
Honestly, I can make my own decisions.
373
00:13:41,202 --> 00:13:43,826
So why don't you go back to
the Joseph you rode in on?
374
00:13:46,474 --> 00:13:48,745
Ugh! I can't believe you messed that up.
375
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:50,510
Really? Because I was nonstop screaming
376
00:13:50,535 --> 00:13:52,076
"I don't know what I'm doing."
377
00:13:55,852 --> 00:13:57,152
Your mom just came up
to me and broke me down
378
00:13:57,187 --> 00:13:59,187
like a cardboard box on trash day.
379
00:13:59,222 --> 00:14:00,722
I'm so sorry.
380
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:01,756
She can be intense.
381
00:14:01,792 --> 00:14:04,092
No, I'm hard into it. She gets me.
382
00:14:04,646 --> 00:14:06,661
I'd like to take her to a steak dinner.
383
00:14:06,697 --> 00:14:07,829
Is that all right with you?
384
00:14:07,864 --> 00:14:08,863
Are you serious?
385
00:14:08,899 --> 00:14:10,832
No. No, that's not all right.
386
00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:12,000
Oh, come on. Please.
387
00:14:12,035 --> 00:14:14,769
Your mom is strong, smart and sexy.
388
00:14:14,805 --> 00:14:16,671
And not just physically, but emotionally.
389
00:14:16,707 --> 00:14:17,973
And also physically.
390
00:14:18,008 --> 00:14:19,708
She got the body of a stripper's mom.
391
00:14:19,743 --> 00:14:21,076
Why can't you just tell
her who you really are?
392
00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,877
I wish we had the kind of relationship
393
00:14:22,913 --> 00:14:25,146
where I could tell her the
truth, but we just don't.
394
00:14:25,182 --> 00:14:26,638
But I have to be honest,
395
00:14:26,638 --> 00:14:27,837
I think I'm in love with her.
396
00:14:27,906 --> 00:14:29,839
Oh, my God. You fall in love
with every woman you meet.
397
00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:31,752
Not you. You're really annoying.
398
00:14:34,646 --> 00:14:36,880
Can you believe Colin?
I mean, what is he doing?
399
00:14:36,915 --> 00:14:38,715
Ronnie, I have my own crisis.
400
00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:39,983
I don't have time to
deal with your jealousy.
401
00:14:40,448 --> 00:14:42,886
I'm... Oh, no, I'm not... jealous?
402
00:14:42,921 --> 00:14:43,987
No, that's ridiculous.
403
00:14:44,022 --> 00:14:46,956
I have my own boyfriend
who's here... somewhere.
404
00:14:47,025 --> 00:14:49,726
Good, because I don't remember
Mary having two Josephs.
405
00:14:49,761 --> 00:14:51,049
Although that is a Bible I'd read.
406
00:14:51,269 --> 00:14:52,729
Oh, my God, you're right.
407
00:14:52,764 --> 00:14:55,064
What am I doing? I should
be focusing on Brian,
408
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:56,612
- not worrying about...
- Shh.
409
00:14:56,768 --> 00:14:58,935
Okay. Can you read my order back to me?
410
00:14:59,004 --> 00:15:01,871
No, not one. It's two llamas, two giraffes.
411
00:15:01,907 --> 00:15:03,806
Do you not know how to fill an ark?
412
00:15:03,842 --> 00:15:04,974
Put your supervisor on the phone.
413
00:15:05,010 --> 00:15:07,877
Oh, Go... I am gonna
tell you what you told me
414
00:15:07,913 --> 00:15:10,087
when I tried singing
Dreamgirls in the shower:
415
00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:12,503
you have to stop.
416
00:15:14,886 --> 00:15:16,586
Ah, hey.
417
00:15:16,621 --> 00:15:18,588
Oh, so you are Ronald's boyfriend.
418
00:15:18,623 --> 00:15:20,790
And let me guess, Artem?
419
00:15:20,859 --> 00:15:22,892
No. Baby Jesus.
420
00:15:22,928 --> 00:15:24,561
Just kidding.
421
00:15:24,596 --> 00:15:27,030
Now I'm Artem.
422
00:15:27,065 --> 00:15:29,566
Yeah, Ronnie told me all about you guys.
423
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:30,800
You, Bernard.
424
00:15:30,869 --> 00:15:33,736
Only one she hasn't really
talked about is Colin.
425
00:15:34,864 --> 00:15:36,407
Is there history there?
426
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:38,866
Oh, yeah. I have much history with Colin.
427
00:15:38,866 --> 00:15:39,965
No, no, I meant Ronnie.
428
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,767
Well, I have more history with Ronnie.
429
00:15:42,836 --> 00:15:44,936
I'm sorry. I meant Colin and Ronnie.
430
00:15:44,971 --> 00:15:46,938
Yes. I know both of them.
431
00:15:46,973 --> 00:15:48,473
- All right.
- Yeah.
432
00:15:48,605 --> 00:15:51,406
This feels like I got
the full Artem experience.
433
00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:52,365
Yeah.
434
00:15:52,612 --> 00:15:53,829
Hey, hey, Dave.
435
00:15:53,829 --> 00:15:55,603
My, uh, my lady asked me to take her home.
436
00:15:55,603 --> 00:15:56,769
So, thanks for the pep talk.
437
00:15:56,803 --> 00:15:58,570
That was the old Dave.
438
00:15:58,605 --> 00:16:00,539
The new Dave sees the
emptiness of cheap sex
439
00:16:00,574 --> 00:16:01,740
and meaningless flings.
440
00:16:02,508 --> 00:16:03,955
- You know, Colin...
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
441
00:16:03,955 --> 00:16:05,922
I was just really swinging
by for a high five,
442
00:16:05,957 --> 00:16:08,463
but we'll discuss
whatever this is on Sunday.
443
00:16:08,463 --> 00:16:09,492
I want to.
444
00:16:11,987 --> 00:16:13,910
Hey, boo. We just finished
445
00:16:13,910 --> 00:16:15,777
our New Testa-Mint Chip ice cream sundae,
446
00:16:15,813 --> 00:16:17,079
so I'm gonna take Mom home.
447
00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,098
Good-bye, Dave.
448
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:20,741
Nice to meet you.
449
00:16:24,102 --> 00:16:25,235
Look, I...
450
00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,556
I was out of line before.
451
00:16:26,557 --> 00:16:28,590
I mean, as a single woman,
it's just hard to see
452
00:16:28,625 --> 00:16:30,996
a handsome man my age dating a woman
453
00:16:31,021 --> 00:16:32,617
young enough to be his daughter.
454
00:16:32,653 --> 00:16:34,604
Who, in this case, is my daughter.
455
00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:37,738
But it was wrong of me to take
my frustrations out on you,
456
00:16:37,773 --> 00:16:39,106
and I'm sorry.
457
00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:41,637
Wait. Don't be sorry.
458
00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:43,628
You were right about everything.
459
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:45,014
I'm vapid. I'm scared.
460
00:16:45,061 --> 00:16:46,828
I'm a shell of a man
inside an empty uniform
461
00:16:46,863 --> 00:16:50,306
who came here tonight
for one reason only: tush.
462
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:52,800
But you made me realize
that's just a distraction.
463
00:16:52,836 --> 00:16:54,214
I need a connection.
464
00:16:55,705 --> 00:16:56,791
And it's you.
465
00:16:57,674 --> 00:16:59,674
Would you like to have a steak
and share a wedge salad with me?
466
00:16:59,709 --> 00:17:00,828
Dave!
467
00:17:00,944 --> 00:17:03,811
You're in a relationship with my daughter.
468
00:17:03,847 --> 00:17:06,725
That's the good news. I've been
lying to you. Nichole, tell her.
469
00:17:08,837 --> 00:17:10,652
Oh, hey. What are you doing?
470
00:17:10,687 --> 00:17:11,986
Well, the magician asked
me to hold it for him
471
00:17:12,022 --> 00:17:13,655
and now no one will take it from me.
472
00:17:13,690 --> 00:17:15,808
Oh. Gross. Anyway, uh,
473
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:18,794
I'm sorry that I disappeared,
474
00:17:18,828 --> 00:17:20,995
but now I am back and
for the rest of the night,
475
00:17:21,031 --> 00:17:22,639
you have my full at...
476
00:17:22,899 --> 00:17:24,882
Are they leaving together?
477
00:17:27,616 --> 00:17:30,004
Uh, I'm sorry, I-I have to go stop this.
478
00:17:33,810 --> 00:17:35,777
Nichole Hayes, I want the truth right now.
479
00:17:36,579 --> 00:17:40,447
Okay, Mom. The truth
is I'm not dating Dave.
480
00:17:40,617 --> 00:17:41,849
He was just covering for me.
481
00:17:41,885 --> 00:17:44,811
The real reason I know everyone
482
00:17:44,837 --> 00:17:46,913
on that flight is...
483
00:17:47,991 --> 00:17:49,590
...I'm dating Ronnie.
484
00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:50,758
Who's Ronnie?
485
00:17:50,794 --> 00:17:51,926
Hi.
486
00:17:52,748 --> 00:17:54,268
Wait, you're dating?
487
00:17:56,933 --> 00:17:58,919
- Devil, won't we?
- Uh-huh.
488
00:18:00,384 --> 00:18:02,837
Yeah. Big time.
489
00:18:02,872 --> 00:18:04,096
We...
490
00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:07,875
Yeah, I... we-we are.
491
00:18:07,944 --> 00:18:11,502
So, just so glad that
it's out in the open now.
492
00:18:11,881 --> 00:18:14,749
We-we were nervous about
telling you for obvious reasons.
493
00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:16,695
- Because she's so, so old.
- Because we're gay.
494
00:18:17,854 --> 00:18:19,787
Just to be clear,
495
00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:21,631
I'm not gay.
496
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,407
Oh, honey. I always felt like
497
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:30,675
you were keeping something from me.
498
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:33,745
And I'm-I'm just so
sorry that I made you feel
499
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,847
like you couldn't tell
me that you were gay.
500
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:39,612
No, I'm sorry that I put a rift
between us by not telling you.
501
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,724
Well, you don't have to keep that a secret.
502
00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:45,495
I'm just so glad to be
honest with you, Mom.
503
00:18:45,530 --> 00:18:46,663
I love you.
504
00:18:47,311 --> 00:18:48,291
Oh.
505
00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:51,668
Geez, I thought my relationship
with my mom was messed up.
506
00:18:51,703 --> 00:18:53,803
- God, one time she asked me...
- Shh.
507
00:18:54,449 --> 00:18:57,042
This is a beautiful moment for
me and my future new family.
508
00:18:59,378 --> 00:19:00,633
Hey, Bernard.
509
00:19:01,713 --> 00:19:03,480
What are you doing?
510
00:19:03,515 --> 00:19:04,724
I don't even know.
511
00:19:05,526 --> 00:19:07,259
I'm trying so hard to wow everybody,
512
00:19:07,295 --> 00:19:08,361
and I can't do it anymore.
513
00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:09,495
But what choice do I have?
514
00:19:09,531 --> 00:19:12,018
If these parties don't
get bigger every year,
515
00:19:12,739 --> 00:19:15,585
that means I've already
reached peak Bernard.
516
00:19:16,910 --> 00:19:18,810
It's all downhill from here.
517
00:19:18,845 --> 00:19:21,579
Listen. I think you're trying too hard
518
00:19:21,648 --> 00:19:24,549
to please everybody, including yourself.
519
00:19:24,617 --> 00:19:27,685
Why not celebrate your
birthday with just the people
520
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:31,260
who make you feel good about being Bernard?
521
00:19:31,290 --> 00:19:33,209
And who would those losers be?
522
00:19:35,402 --> 00:19:38,191
Thank you to my friends and Nichole's mom
523
00:19:38,191 --> 00:19:41,548
and to the chef and Alan's
improbably attractive companions
524
00:19:41,642 --> 00:19:43,167
for being so boring
525
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:46,192
that I will seem fabulous in
comparison no matter what I do.
526
00:19:46,217 --> 00:19:47,384
Aw.
527
00:19:47,408 --> 00:19:48,607
And since it's just you people,
528
00:19:48,676 --> 00:19:51,026
I can finally get into my comfy clothes.
529
00:19:54,221 --> 00:19:57,383
Hey. Um, I'm sorry about tonight.
530
00:19:57,418 --> 00:19:59,302
I should've been spending time with you...
531
00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:00,355
It's okay.
532
00:20:00,597 --> 00:20:02,359
You know, honestly, I did for a minute
533
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:04,022
think there was something
going on with you and Colin.
534
00:20:04,047 --> 00:20:05,000
There's not.
535
00:20:05,025 --> 00:20:06,533
I know, 'cause I saw
what you did with Nichole,
536
00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:08,300
and I realized you're
just always looking out
537
00:20:08,334 --> 00:20:09,300
for your friends.
538
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,041
Right.
539
00:20:12,066 --> 00:20:14,319
So I know lying about
dating someone's daughter
540
00:20:14,319 --> 00:20:15,718
isn't the best way to start a relationship.
541
00:20:15,787 --> 00:20:18,588
Well, Dave, anyone who's
willing to help my daughter
542
00:20:18,623 --> 00:20:22,292
and forgo what I hear is the
"tush event of the season"
543
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:23,493
must be a decent man.
544
00:20:23,528 --> 00:20:25,595
So, here's my number
545
00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:27,563
if that dinner is still on the table.
546
00:20:28,678 --> 00:20:32,478
Well, no, we'd have to
go and order it first.
547
00:20:36,266 --> 00:20:37,313
Is it...?
548
00:20:39,397 --> 00:20:41,804
So I guess you and my mom
are going on that date, huh?
549
00:20:41,864 --> 00:20:45,500
Yup. Just so you know, I don't
expect for you to call me Dad.
550
00:20:46,103 --> 00:20:48,334
But I look forward to your
wedding day when you finally do.
551
00:20:50,908 --> 00:20:52,074
Where is everyone?
552
00:20:52,099 --> 00:20:53,504
Bernard kicked everyone out.
553
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:54,612
What are you doing back here?
554
00:20:54,648 --> 00:20:55,950
I thought you left with New Megan.
555
00:20:55,975 --> 00:20:58,283
I did. But then we got into the Lyft,
556
00:20:58,318 --> 00:21:00,285
and I saw that her rating was a 3.6
557
00:21:00,353 --> 00:21:02,420
and I realized she was a bloody monster.
558
00:21:02,489 --> 00:21:05,423
You were right. I was about
to make a huge mistake.
559
00:21:05,492 --> 00:21:08,942
Well, lucky for you, I'm good
at spotting huge mistakes.
560
00:21:09,684 --> 00:21:11,484
Not avoiding them, but spotting them.
561
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,585
Yeah.
562
00:21:13,622 --> 00:21:16,119
Everyone! Dinner is served.
563
00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:19,526
Admit it, best birthday ever.
564
00:21:19,561 --> 00:21:22,829
I suppose. I still wish I
had come up with that one last
565
00:21:22,898 --> 00:21:26,566
biblical finale, but this will have to do.
566
00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,701
Alan, who sets a table like this?
567
00:21:28,737 --> 00:21:30,687
I mean, there aren't even enough chairs.
41702