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1
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:19,562
In this picture
there are 47 people.
2
00:00:19,646 --> 00:00:22,023
None of them can be seen.
3
00:00:22,107 --> 00:00:24,068
In this film,
we hope to show you...
4
00:00:24,151 --> 00:00:26,404
how not to be seen.
5
00:00:28,072 --> 00:00:31,660
This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw
of Napier Court...
6
00:00:31,743 --> 00:00:34,914
Blackline Road, London, SE 14.
7
00:00:34,998 --> 00:00:37,125
He cannot be seen.
8
00:00:37,166 --> 00:00:39,169
Now I'm going to ask him
to stand up.
9
00:00:39,253 --> 00:00:42,172
Mr. Bradshaw,
will you stand up, please?
10
00:00:48,179 --> 00:00:51,684
This demonstrates
the value of not being seen.
11
00:00:51,767 --> 00:00:55,689
In this picture, we cannot see
Mrs. B. J. Smegma...
12
00:00:55,772 --> 00:00:58,525
of 13 The Crescent, Belmont.
13
00:00:58,567 --> 00:01:01,654
Mrs. Smegma,
will you stand up, please?
14
00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:11,666
This is Mr. Nesbitt
of Harlow. Newtown.
15
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:14,503
Mr. Nesbitt,
will you stand up, please?
16
00:01:18,716 --> 00:01:22,596
Mr. Nesbitt has learned
the first lesson of not being seen:
17
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,807
not to stand up.
18
00:01:24,890 --> 00:01:28,687
However, he has chosen
a very obvious piece of cover.
19
00:01:31,274 --> 00:01:35,361
Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely,
The Burrows. Oswald Street...
20
00:01:35,444 --> 00:01:37,531
has presented us with a poser.
21
00:01:37,573 --> 00:01:40,576
We do not know
which bush he is behind.
22
00:01:40,617 --> 00:01:42,745
But we can soon find out.
23
00:01:52,174 --> 00:01:55,093
Yes. It was the middle one.
24
00:01:55,802 --> 00:01:58,556
Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull...
25
00:01:58,598 --> 00:02:01,100
chose a very cunning way
of not being seen.
26
00:02:01,142 --> 00:02:05,189
When we called at their house, we found
they had gone on two weeks holiday.
27
00:02:05,272 --> 00:02:08,068
However, a neighbor told us
where they were.
28
00:02:10,487 --> 00:02:13,616
And here is the neighbor
who told us where they were.
29
00:02:17,329 --> 00:02:19,289
And here is where he lived.
30
00:02:20,332 --> 00:02:23,002
And this is
where he was born.
31
00:02:39,105 --> 00:02:41,190
And now for something
completely different.
32
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,220
Oh. Good evening.
33
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,431
Ladies and gentlemen...
34
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:47,687
we apologize that the feature was
not quite as long as we'd anticipated.
35
00:03:47,729 --> 00:03:50,191
Therefore,
there will be a short interval.
36
00:03:55,405 --> 00:03:59,786
In the meantime, we are pleased
to be able to show you a short film...
37
00:03:59,869 --> 00:04:02,789
starring a man
with a tape recorder up his nose.
38
00:04:36,329 --> 00:04:39,916
And now... And now
a film starring a man...
39
00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:42,962
with a tape recorder
up his brother's nose.
40
00:05:08,201 --> 00:05:10,662
And now in stereo
41
00:05:31,228 --> 00:05:33,899
Thank you.
That is the end of the interval.
42
00:05:33,982 --> 00:05:36,192
Will you kindly return
to your seats?
43
00:05:36,276 --> 00:05:39,697
We will now be proceeding
with the program as advertised.
44
00:05:44,036 --> 00:05:45,996
Darling, you were wonderful.
45
00:05:46,038 --> 00:05:48,374
Oh, really?
46
00:05:48,583 --> 00:05:53,672
In 1971 the British Empire
lay in ruins.
47
00:05:53,714 --> 00:05:57,551
Foreigners frequented the streets,
many of them Hungarians.
48
00:05:57,635 --> 00:05:59,930
Not the streets.
The foreign nationals.
49
00:06:00,013 --> 00:06:05,228
Anyway, many of these Hungarians went
into tobacconist's to buy cigarettes.
50
00:06:05,269 --> 00:06:07,730
There you are, sir.
Thank you.
51
00:06:12,569 --> 00:06:14,489
Good morning, sir.
52
00:06:16,241 --> 00:06:19,996
"I will not buy this record.
It is scratched."
53
00:06:20,079 --> 00:06:22,123
I'm sorry?
54
00:06:22,206 --> 00:06:26,044
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched."
55
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:29,799
Oh, no, no, no.
This is a tobacconist's.
56
00:06:29,883 --> 00:06:31,384
Tobacconist's.
57
00:06:33,470 --> 00:06:36,932
"I will not buy this tobacconist's.
It is scratched."
58
00:06:37,016 --> 00:06:39,936
No. Tobacco.
Um, cigarettes.
59
00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:41,438
Cigarettes?
60
00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:49,447
- "My hovercraft is full of eels."
- What?
61
00:06:49,489 --> 00:06:52,618
"My hovercraft
is full of eels."
62
00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:56,831
- Ah, matches.
- Yeah! Matches.
63
00:06:58,583 --> 00:07:01,128
- "Do you want..."
- "Do you want."
64
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,713
Want.
65
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:07,636
"Do you want to come back to my place?
Bouncy, bouncy."
66
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,763
That'll be
six shillings, please.
67
00:07:09,805 --> 00:07:14,936
"If I said you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?"
68
00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:17,314
"I am no longer infected."
69
00:07:17,398 --> 00:07:19,316
May I?
70
00:07:20,276 --> 00:07:23,030
Costs six shillings.
71
00:07:32,249 --> 00:07:33,751
Help!
72
00:07:49,228 --> 00:07:53,525
- What's all this. Then?
- "You have beautiful thighs."
73
00:07:53,566 --> 00:07:55,151
- What?
- He hit me.
74
00:07:55,235 --> 00:07:58,948
"Drop your panties, Sir Arthur.
I can not wait till lunchtime!"
75
00:07:59,031 --> 00:08:02,494
- Right!
- "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!"
76
00:08:02,577 --> 00:08:05,122
The Hungarian gentleman
was subsequently released...
77
00:08:05,205 --> 00:08:08,960
but his information led to the arrest
and trial of the real culprit.
78
00:08:09,043 --> 00:08:10,294
I am.
79
00:08:10,378 --> 00:08:13,382
You are hereby charged
that on the 28th day of May...
80
00:08:13,465 --> 00:08:16,218
you did will fully
and with malice aforethought...
81
00:08:16,302 --> 00:08:19,347
publish an alleged
English-Hungarian phrase book...
82
00:08:19,431 --> 00:08:22,518
with intent to cause
a breach of the peace.
83
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,897
- How do you plead?
- Not guilty.
84
00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:28,901
Mr. York, on the 28th of May...
85
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:32,697
- you published this phrase book.
- I did.
86
00:08:32,739 --> 00:08:36,034
With Your Lordship's permission,
I would like to quote an example.
87
00:08:36,075 --> 00:08:40,915
The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you
direct me to the railway station?"...
88
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:44,044
is here translated
by the English phrase...
89
00:08:44,086 --> 00:08:46,630
"Please fondle my buttocks."
90
00:08:50,426 --> 00:08:52,679
"Please fondle...
91
00:08:52,762 --> 00:08:54,974
my buttocks."
92
00:08:55,057 --> 00:08:56,976
Ah, yes.
It's past the post office...
93
00:08:57,059 --> 00:08:59,563
200 yards down
and then left at the light.
94
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:06,737
Left at lights.
95
00:10:09,730 --> 00:10:11,816
Meanwhile, not far away...
96
00:10:11,858 --> 00:10:16,238
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were
about to enter an unfamiliar office.
97
00:10:16,322 --> 00:10:17,823
Next.
98
00:10:41,602 --> 00:10:45,689
Oh. Are you the marriage
guidance counselor?
99
00:10:45,731 --> 00:10:48,735
- Yes. Good morning.
- Morning.
100
00:10:51,447 --> 00:10:55,451
And... good morning
to you, madam.
101
00:10:57,913 --> 00:11:01,710
- Name?
- Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey.
102
00:11:03,962 --> 00:11:08,968
And what is the name of your...
ravishing wife?
103
00:11:09,051 --> 00:11:11,429
Wait. Don't tell me.
104
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:15,058
It's... It's something
to do with moonlight.
105
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,480
Goes with her eyes.
106
00:11:18,563 --> 00:11:20,690
It's soft and gentle...
107
00:11:20,774 --> 00:11:23,194
warm and yielding.
108
00:11:23,277 --> 00:11:25,196
Deeply lyrical, and yet...
109
00:11:25,279 --> 00:11:28,742
tender and frightened,
like a tiny, white rabbit.
110
00:11:28,784 --> 00:11:30,619
It's Dierdre.
111
00:11:34,082 --> 00:11:36,000
What a beautiful name.
112
00:11:37,962 --> 00:11:39,880
What a beautiful...
113
00:11:41,173 --> 00:11:43,134
beautiful name.
114
00:11:46,930 --> 00:11:50,142
And what seems to be the trouble
with your marriage, Mr. Putey?
115
00:11:50,184 --> 00:11:53,062
It started when we went
to Brighton on holiday together.
116
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:56,108
Dierdre - that's my wife - and I,
we've always been close companions...
117
00:11:56,191 --> 00:11:59,195
and I never particularly
anticipated any marital strife.
118
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:01,906
The very idea of consulting
a professional marital advisor...
119
00:12:01,990 --> 00:12:03,993
has always been of
the greatest repugnance to me.
120
00:12:04,076 --> 00:12:08,581
Although, far be it from me
to impugn the nature of your trade or...
121
00:12:08,665 --> 00:12:10,584
or profession.
122
00:12:13,170 --> 00:12:16,591
- Do go on.
- We've always been close companions...
123
00:12:16,674 --> 00:12:20,429
sharing the interests,
the gardening, the holiday money.
124
00:12:20,512 --> 00:12:24,392
Twice a month of an evening, we settle
down to do the accounts together...
125
00:12:24,476 --> 00:12:28,146
something which Dierdre -
that's my wife -
126
00:12:28,188 --> 00:12:31,192
and I particularly look forward to
on account of her feet.
127
00:12:31,275 --> 00:12:35,197
I should have said at the start that
I noted for having a grand sense of humor.
128
00:12:35,239 --> 00:12:39,326
Although I've kept myself very much
to myself over the last couple of years.
129
00:12:39,409 --> 00:12:43,164
It's only been as comparatively recently
as recently that I've begun to realize--
130
00:12:43,206 --> 00:12:45,835
Well, perhaps "realize"
is too strong a word.
131
00:12:45,918 --> 00:12:51,216
Uh, imagine that, uh,
I was not the only thing in her life.
132
00:12:51,258 --> 00:12:53,427
You suspected your wife?
133
00:12:53,510 --> 00:12:54,929
Well...
134
00:12:57,181 --> 00:12:59,726
frankly, yes.
135
00:12:59,809 --> 00:13:02,021
A bit.
136
00:13:02,062 --> 00:13:04,565
Her behavior did seem to me--
137
00:13:04,607 --> 00:13:07,861
Her behavior did seem to me.
who was there to see...
138
00:13:07,903 --> 00:13:10,448
to be a little odd.
139
00:13:10,531 --> 00:13:12,116
- Odd?
- To an extent.
140
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,577
I'm not by nature
a suspicious person.
141
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:18,582
I've got a reputation of an after-dinner
speaker, if you get my meaning.
142
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,167
I certainly do.
143
00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:23,713
And in the area where people know me,
I'm very well known.
144
00:13:23,755 --> 00:13:26,342
- Fine. Would you--
- Certainly.
145
00:13:26,425 --> 00:13:29,428
It was time to face the facts,
stop beating about the bush...
146
00:13:29,512 --> 00:13:32,224
or I'd never be able to look myself
in the bathroom mirror again.
147
00:13:32,265 --> 00:13:36,562
Would you mind running along for 10--
make it 20 minutes. All right?
148
00:13:36,604 --> 00:13:39,107
Yes. I'll wait outside,
shall I?
149
00:13:43,112 --> 00:13:46,700
Yes, that-that's perhaps
the best thing.
150
00:13:46,783 --> 00:13:50,954
Certainly set my mind at rest
on one or two scores there.
151
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:09,602
Arthur Putey!
152
00:14:10,644 --> 00:14:14,441
Are you a man or a mouse?
153
00:14:14,483 --> 00:14:17,235
You've been running too long,
Arthur Putey.
154
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:22,618
It's time to stop, time to turn
and fight like a man.
155
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:25,245
Go back in there,
Arthur Putey.
156
00:14:25,329 --> 00:14:29,584
Go back in there
and pull your finger out.
157
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,629
Yes! Yes, you're right.
158
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,508
This is it, Arthur Putey!
159
00:14:35,591 --> 00:14:38,887
This is your moment,
Arthur Putey!
160
00:14:38,971 --> 00:14:42,099
At last you're a man!
161
00:14:46,813 --> 00:14:49,108
Come out of there. Dierdre!
I know you're in there.
162
00:14:49,191 --> 00:14:51,819
- Go away!
- Righto.
163
00:15:19,436 --> 00:15:21,814
Oh, what a lovely little
164
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,078
Oh, what a lovely little--
165
00:15:44,424 --> 00:15:48,053
- Oh, what a lovely little--
- Stop it! Stop right there!
166
00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:52,142
This is absolutely disgusting,
and I'm not going to stand for it!
167
00:15:52,225 --> 00:15:54,185
There. Kill
168
00:16:52,757 --> 00:16:56,677
Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow
this sort of smut on the screen.
169
00:16:56,719 --> 00:16:59,848
This depraved and degrading spectacle
is going to stop right now.
170
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:03,478
- Do you hear me? Stop it!
- Damn I Just when it was getting good.
171
00:17:11,028 --> 00:17:12,989
Evening, squire.
172
00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:27,214
You married?
173
00:17:28,341 --> 00:17:31,636
- Yes.
- I'm a bachelor myself.
174
00:17:31,719 --> 00:17:34,181
Is-- Is your wife a goer?
175
00:17:34,223 --> 00:17:36,350
Eh? Know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
176
00:17:36,392 --> 00:17:38,854
- Know what I mean? Say no more.
- I beg your pardon?
177
00:17:38,895 --> 00:17:43,693
Your wife, does she go? Eh?
Know what I mean? Does she go?
178
00:17:43,735 --> 00:17:46,362
- She sometimes goes.
- I'll bet she does.
179
00:17:46,446 --> 00:17:49,366
Say no more.
Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.
180
00:17:49,408 --> 00:17:52,286
- I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
- Follow me.
181
00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:56,541
That's good. A nod's as good
as a wink to a blind bat.
182
00:17:56,625 --> 00:18:00,922
- Look, are you selling something?
- Selling. Selling. Very good.
183
00:18:00,963 --> 00:18:03,174
Know what I mean?
184
00:18:03,257 --> 00:18:06,553
Oh, wicked. You're wicked, eh?
Nudge, nudge.
185
00:18:06,595 --> 00:18:09,599
A nod's as good as a wink
to a blind bat.
186
00:18:09,682 --> 00:18:13,103
- But...
- Your wife a sport, eh?
187
00:18:13,186 --> 00:18:17,149
- She likes sport, yes.
- I bet she does.
188
00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:19,236
She's very fond of cricket.
189
00:18:19,277 --> 00:18:22,030
Who isn't, eh?
Likes games.
190
00:18:22,114 --> 00:18:24,575
Knew she would.
Who doesn't. Eh?
191
00:18:24,659 --> 00:18:26,661
She's been around a bit. Eh?
192
00:18:26,744 --> 00:18:28,746
She's traveled.
She's from Purley.
193
00:18:28,830 --> 00:18:31,500
Oh! Say no more.
194
00:18:34,086 --> 00:18:36,172
Know what I mean?
Say no more.
195
00:18:38,758 --> 00:18:42,805
Your wife interested in,
uh, photography, eh?
196
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:46,393
"Photographs, eh?"
he asked him knowingly.
197
00:18:46,477 --> 00:18:49,771
- Photography?
- Yeah. Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge.
198
00:18:49,813 --> 00:18:53,318
- Holiday stamps?
- Could be taken on holiday. Could be.
199
00:18:53,401 --> 00:18:56,155
Swimming costumes.
Nudge, nudge.
200
00:18:56,238 --> 00:18:59,950
- Candid photography.
- No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
201
00:18:59,992 --> 00:19:01,953
Oh. Still.
202
00:19:06,376 --> 00:19:08,670
Look, are you trying
to insinuate something?
203
00:19:11,674 --> 00:19:14,343
- Yes.
- Well?
204
00:19:14,426 --> 00:19:17,264
Well, I mean,
you're a man of the world, aren't ya?
205
00:19:17,347 --> 00:19:21,102
I mean, you know, you've, uh...
you've been around. You've been there.
206
00:19:21,185 --> 00:19:24,480
- What do you mean?
- Well, you know, you've...
207
00:19:24,522 --> 00:19:27,109
You've done it, uh, with a lady.
208
00:19:27,192 --> 00:19:30,112
- You've slept with a lady.
- Yes.
209
00:19:31,281 --> 00:19:32,615
What's it like?
210
00:19:33,658 --> 00:19:36,202
Well, I think it's overrated.
211
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:39,540
Shut up, you!
212
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:44,504
- Good evening, class!
- Good evening.
213
00:19:44,546 --> 00:19:47,050
- Where's all the others, then?
- They're not here.
214
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:50,261
I can see that!
What's the matter with'em?
215
00:19:50,345 --> 00:19:52,389
- Don't know.
- Perhaps they've got flu.
216
00:19:52,473 --> 00:19:55,726
Flu! They should eat
more fresh fruit!
217
00:19:59,189 --> 00:20:02,193
Right! Now, self-defense!
218
00:20:02,276 --> 00:20:05,613
Tonight I shall be carryin' on
from where we got to last week...
219
00:20:05,696 --> 00:20:10,202
when I was showin' you how to
defend yourselves against anyone...
220
00:20:10,244 --> 00:20:14,249
who attacks you armed
with a piece of fresh fruit.
221
00:20:15,667 --> 00:20:19,088
- You said we wouldn't do fruit again.
- What do you mean?
222
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:21,549
We've done fresh fruit
for the last nine weeks.
223
00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:25,303
What's wrong with fruit?
You think you know it all, eh?
224
00:20:25,387 --> 00:20:26,972
Can't we try something else?
225
00:20:27,055 --> 00:20:29,309
Like someone who attacks you
with a pointed stick.
226
00:20:29,392 --> 00:20:31,311
Pointed stick?
227
00:20:33,564 --> 00:20:38,236
We want to learn how to defend ourselves
against pointed sticks, do we?
228
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:41,281
Gettin' all
high and mighty, eh?
229
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:44,243
Fresh fruit not
good enough for you, eh?
230
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,914
Well, let me tell you
somethin', my lad!
231
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:51,752
When you're walkin' home tonight
and some great homicidal maniac...
232
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:56,841
comes after you with a bunch of
loganberries, don't come cryin' to me!
233
00:20:56,925 --> 00:21:01,305
Right!
And now the passion fruit.
234
00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:05,268
When your assailant lunges at you
with a passion fruit, like thus--
235
00:21:05,310 --> 00:21:08,146
- We done the passion fruit.
- What?
236
00:21:08,230 --> 00:21:12,485
- We've done the passion fruit.
- We done oranges, apples, grapefruits...
237
00:21:12,568 --> 00:21:16,740
- Whole and segments.
- Greengages, pomegranates.
238
00:21:16,824 --> 00:21:19,327
- Grapes, passion fruit.
- Lemons.
239
00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:23,331
- Plums.
- And mangoes in syrup.
240
00:21:23,373 --> 00:21:26,127
- How about cherries?
- We done them.
241
00:21:26,168 --> 00:21:28,421
- Red and black?
- Yes.
242
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:31,466
All right, then.
243
00:21:34,011 --> 00:21:37,474
Bananas. We haven't
done bananas, have we?
244
00:21:37,515 --> 00:21:39,809
- No.
- Right!
245
00:21:39,852 --> 00:21:44,065
How to defend yourself
against a man armed with a banana!
246
00:21:44,148 --> 00:21:49,196
Catch. Now, it's quite simple
to deal with a banana fiend.
247
00:21:49,279 --> 00:21:52,909
First of all, you force him
to drop the banana.
248
00:21:52,992 --> 00:21:56,747
Then you eat the banana,
thus disarming him.
249
00:21:56,830 --> 00:21:58,749
You have now
rendered him helpless!
250
00:21:58,832 --> 00:22:01,836
- Suppose he's got a bunch.
- Shut up.
251
00:22:01,878 --> 00:22:04,965
- Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
- Shut up!
252
00:22:06,050 --> 00:22:08,344
Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot.
253
00:22:08,386 --> 00:22:11,014
- Harrison.
- Sorry. Mr. Harrison.
254
00:22:11,098 --> 00:22:13,100
Come at me with that banana.
255
00:22:13,183 --> 00:22:17,814
Be as vicious as you Iike with it.
Come on. Attack me!
256
00:22:17,897 --> 00:22:20,567
No, no, no!
Put something into it, for God's...
257
00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:23,070
Hold the banana like that.
258
00:22:23,154 --> 00:22:25,614
That's better.
Now scream.
259
00:22:25,698 --> 00:22:28,035
Good. Right.
Now attack me.
260
00:22:28,076 --> 00:22:30,579
Come on, man,
attack me!
261
00:22:34,709 --> 00:22:37,129
Next, I eat the banana.
262
00:22:40,341 --> 00:22:42,969
Now, I would just like
to point out...
263
00:22:43,053 --> 00:22:47,225
that this film is displaying
a distinct tendency to become silly.
264
00:22:47,308 --> 00:22:51,521
Now, nobody likes
a good laugh more than I do.
265
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:55,609
Except, perhaps,
my wife and some of her friends.
266
00:22:55,692 --> 00:22:57,487
Oh, yes,
and Captain John son.
267
00:22:57,570 --> 00:23:00,448
Come to think of it, most people
like a good laugh more than I do.
268
00:23:00,532 --> 00:23:04,995
But that's beside the point. I'm warning
this film not to get silly again.
269
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:09,668
Right. Now, Director,
on the command "Cut"...
270
00:23:09,751 --> 00:23:12,045
cut to the next scene.
271
00:23:12,129 --> 00:23:15,258
- Director...
- This is a frightened city.
272
00:23:15,299 --> 00:23:17,886
Wait for itl
273
00:23:17,970 --> 00:23:20,306
Director, cut!
274
00:23:20,472 --> 00:23:23,059
This is a frightened city.
275
00:23:23,143 --> 00:23:27,272
Over these streets, over these houses,
hangs a pall of fear.
276
00:23:27,314 --> 00:23:31,027
An ugly kind of violence is rife,
stalking the town.
277
00:23:34,156 --> 00:23:38,578
Yes, gangs of old ladies
attacking fit, defenseless young men.
278
00:24:01,522 --> 00:24:04,109
They just come up to you
and push you, like.
279
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:08,488
Shove you off the pavement. There's
usually about four or five of them.
280
00:24:08,530 --> 00:24:12,034
Yeah, sometimes
it's three or four of them.
281
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,956
It's not even safe to go out
down to the shops anymore.
282
00:24:17,124 --> 00:24:21,629
Grannies are no respecter
of race, creed or sex.
283
00:24:21,713 --> 00:24:24,257
Theirs is a harsh.
ruthless world...
284
00:24:24,340 --> 00:24:28,262
a tough world, a world in which
the surgical stocking is king.
285
00:24:29,638 --> 00:24:32,434
But what are they in it for,
these senile delinquents...
286
00:24:32,517 --> 00:24:34,896
these layabouts in lace?
287
00:24:34,937 --> 00:24:38,149
- Oh, the violence.
- The prestige, mainly.
288
00:24:38,232 --> 00:24:41,570
- The free gifts.
- Poking the knee in the groin.
289
00:24:41,654 --> 00:24:44,031
We like pulling the heads
off sheep.
290
00:24:44,073 --> 00:24:46,952
And tea cakes.
291
00:24:47,035 --> 00:24:50,456
We have a Iot of trouble with grannies.
Pension day is the worst.
292
00:24:50,540 --> 00:24:52,416
Soon as they get it,
they blow the lot...
293
00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:55,921
on milk, tea, sugar,
a tin of meat for their cat.
294
00:24:56,004 --> 00:24:58,966
The whole crux
of the problem, uh...
295
00:24:59,049 --> 00:25:02,053
lies in the basic
dissatisfaction...
296
00:25:02,095 --> 00:25:06,100
of these senile delinquents
with the world as they find it.
297
00:25:06,183 --> 00:25:09,520
They begin to question, uh,
the values of their society.
298
00:25:09,603 --> 00:25:11,857
They see their sons
and daughters growing up...
299
00:25:11,940 --> 00:25:16,237
to become accountants, uh,
solicitors, sociologists even.
300
00:25:16,279 --> 00:25:19,240
And they begin to wonder,
"Is it all worth it? Is it all..."
301
00:25:31,046 --> 00:25:34,967
Another prime target for vandalism
is telephone boxes.
302
00:25:37,805 --> 00:25:39,765
But mostly,
they just live for kicks.
303
00:25:53,323 --> 00:25:56,159
But there are other kinds
of violence abroad...
304
00:25:56,243 --> 00:25:58,705
other gangs, equally vicious,
equally determined...
305
00:25:58,788 --> 00:26:00,707
such as the baby snatchers.
306
00:26:04,837 --> 00:26:07,298
Hey What is this?
307
00:26:07,381 --> 00:26:09,551
Hey! Help!
308
00:26:09,634 --> 00:26:13,598
I left him outside for a few moments
while I got some Brillo Pads.
309
00:26:13,681 --> 00:26:17,393
When I came back, he was gone.
He was only 48!
310
00:26:17,476 --> 00:26:21,148
And also vicious gangs
of "Keep Left" signs.
311
00:26:27,155 --> 00:26:29,075
Right! Stop that!
312
00:26:29,158 --> 00:26:31,869
It's silly.
Very silly, indeed.
313
00:26:31,952 --> 00:26:35,707
It started off as a nice little idea
about old ladies attacking young men...
314
00:26:35,791 --> 00:26:38,043
but now it's just got silly.
315
00:26:38,085 --> 00:26:40,171
His hair's too long
for a vicar too.
316
00:26:40,213 --> 00:26:44,802
And you can tell those are not proper
"Keep Left" signs. Clear off, the lot of you!
317
00:26:44,885 --> 00:26:46,804
You, come with me.
318
00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:55,273
Right. Now Iet's see something decent
and military: some precision drilling.
319
00:26:55,356 --> 00:26:58,609
Squad! Camp it up!
320
00:26:59,736 --> 00:27:01,738
Ooh, get her! Whoops!
321
00:27:01,780 --> 00:27:07,036
I've got your number, but you
couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.
322
00:27:07,078 --> 00:27:09,582
I'll scratch your eyes out.
323
00:27:09,623 --> 00:27:13,085
Don't come the bigger
dear bitch with us. dear.
324
00:27:13,127 --> 00:27:17,466
We all know where you've been,
you military fairy, two, three.
325
00:27:17,549 --> 00:27:20,303
One, two, three, four,
five, six.
326
00:27:20,386 --> 00:27:22,805
Whoops!
Don't look now, girls.
327
00:27:22,889 --> 00:27:26,310
The maid is just mince
in that jolly color, Sergeant.
328
00:27:26,393 --> 00:27:28,479
Two, three. Ooh!
329
00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:32,400
Right! Stop that. Silly.
330
00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:35,905
And a bit suspect, I think.
Time for a cartoon.
331
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:39,575
Once upon a time...
332
00:27:39,617 --> 00:27:42,287
there was an enchanted prince...
333
00:27:42,371 --> 00:27:45,291
who ruled the land
beyond the Wobbles.
334
00:27:47,418 --> 00:27:52,425
One day he discovered
a spot on his face.
335
00:27:53,342 --> 00:27:55,512
Foolishly, he ignored it.
336
00:27:55,595 --> 00:27:59,433
And three years later,
he died of cancer.
337
00:27:59,474 --> 00:28:01,436
The spot, however, flourished...
338
00:28:01,477 --> 00:28:04,439
and soon set out
to seek its fortune.
339
00:28:38,980 --> 00:28:42,193
Agnes, did you just see
who moved in next door?
340
00:28:42,235 --> 00:28:45,321
Yes. Black as the ace of spades,
they were.
341
00:28:45,363 --> 00:28:48,242
Oh, well,
there goes the neighborhood.
342
00:28:48,325 --> 00:28:50,244
Oh, yes.
343
00:29:10,226 --> 00:29:12,187
Next, please.
344
00:29:15,107 --> 00:29:17,068
One at a time, please.
345
00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:20,614
There is only me, sir.
346
00:29:25,912 --> 00:29:28,666
So there is.
Take a, um...
347
00:29:30,209 --> 00:29:33,212
- Seat?
- Seat. Take a seat.
348
00:29:33,253 --> 00:29:37,050
So, you want to join
my mountaineering expedition, do you?
349
00:29:38,678 --> 00:29:41,389
Who, me, sir?
350
00:29:41,430 --> 00:29:44,768
- Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
- Jolly good.
351
00:29:45,811 --> 00:29:47,771
And how about you?
352
00:29:49,065 --> 00:29:51,818
There is only me, sir.
353
00:29:57,491 --> 00:30:01,079
Well, bang goes
his application then.
354
00:30:01,163 --> 00:30:04,208
Now, let me fill you in.
I'm leading this expedition...
355
00:30:04,292 --> 00:30:08,421
and we're going to climb
both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
356
00:30:08,504 --> 00:30:11,300
I thought there was
only one peak, sir.
357
00:30:23,481 --> 00:30:27,194
Well. That I save a bit of time.
Well done.
358
00:30:27,277 --> 00:30:30,156
Now, the object of
this year's expedition...
359
00:30:30,198 --> 00:30:33,785
is to see if we can find any trace
of last year's expedition.
360
00:30:33,827 --> 00:30:36,705
- Last year's expedition?
- Yes. My brother was leading that.
361
00:30:36,789 --> 00:30:40,210
They were going to build a bridge
between the two peaks.
362
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:47,760
My idea, I'm afraid.
363
00:30:47,844 --> 00:30:51,015
I ought to tell you that I have almost
everyone I need for this expedition.
364
00:30:51,098 --> 00:30:53,892
But what special qualifications
do you have?
365
00:30:53,976 --> 00:30:56,563
- Well, sir...
- Yes, you first.
366
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,899
- There is only me, sir.
- I wasn't talking to you.
367
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:03,070
- Carry on.
- I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
368
00:31:04,947 --> 00:31:06,867
Mountaineer?
369
00:31:12,165 --> 00:31:14,959
Mouse. Moun...
370
00:31:15,043 --> 00:31:19,632
Mountaineer: two men skilled
at climbing a mountain.
371
00:31:19,715 --> 00:31:22,344
By Jove, that'd be useful.
372
00:31:22,386 --> 00:31:25,639
Well, you're in.
Congratulations.
373
00:31:25,722 --> 00:31:28,559
Both of you.
Now, what are your names?
374
00:31:28,601 --> 00:31:30,561
Arthur Wilson.
375
00:31:32,898 --> 00:31:34,316
Well, look.
376
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,737
I'll call you Arthur Wilson One
and you Arthur Wilson Two...
377
00:31:37,779 --> 00:31:39,739
just to avoid confusion.
378
00:31:39,781 --> 00:31:41,993
Are you actually leading
this expedition?
379
00:31:42,076 --> 00:31:44,871
Yes, we are leading
this expedition to Africa.
380
00:31:44,912 --> 00:31:48,375
- What routes will you both be following?
- Good questions.
381
00:31:48,417 --> 00:31:52,212
We'll be leaving on one or other
of the January the 22...
382
00:31:52,255 --> 00:31:54,466
and taking the following routes:
383
00:31:54,549 --> 00:31:57,051
from Manchesters,
down through Oxfords...
384
00:31:57,093 --> 00:32:00,097
taking the M1.5
through Londons to Purleys...
385
00:32:00,139 --> 00:32:03,185
then the A25s
from Purleys to Dovers.
386
00:32:03,268 --> 00:32:06,021
Thence Africas to Nairobis.
387
00:32:06,104 --> 00:32:10,735
We take the south roads out of Nairobis
for about 12 miles and then ask.
388
00:32:10,777 --> 00:32:13,906
- Does anyone speak Swahili?
- Most of them do down there.
389
00:32:13,989 --> 00:32:16,867
No. Does anyone in our party
speak Swahili, sir?
390
00:32:16,951 --> 00:32:19,788
- Well, Matron's got a smattering.
- Apart from the two Matrons.
391
00:32:19,871 --> 00:32:22,290
Good Lord.
I forgot about her.
392
00:32:22,332 --> 00:32:24,919
Apart from them, who else
is coming on our expedition?
393
00:32:25,002 --> 00:32:28,214
Well, we've got
the Arthur Brown twins,...
394
00:32:28,298 --> 00:32:31,844
two botanists called Madchen,
the William Johnston brothers...
395
00:32:31,927 --> 00:32:34,931
- Two of them.
- Four. Pair of identical twins.
396
00:32:34,973 --> 00:32:37,809
Two of the Harry Baker quads
and you two.
397
00:32:38,518 --> 00:32:41,814
- And none of these are mountaineers?
- Well, you two are.
398
00:32:41,856 --> 00:32:44,568
And we've got a brace of guides
called Jimmy Blankensoft...
399
00:32:44,651 --> 00:32:47,988
because Kilimanjaro
is a pretty tricky climb.
400
00:32:48,030 --> 00:32:51,159
Most of it's up,
till we reach the very top...
401
00:32:51,242 --> 00:32:53,828
and then it tends
to slope away rather sharply.
402
00:32:53,911 --> 00:32:57,541
But Jimmy's put his heads together
and worked out a way up. Jimmy
403
00:32:59,210 --> 00:33:02,422
Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson.
Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blankensoft.
404
00:33:02,505 --> 00:33:04,132
Jimmy Blankensoft Two,
Arthur Wilson Two.
405
00:33:04,174 --> 00:33:06,469
Arthur Wilson Two,
Jimmy Blankensoft One.
406
00:33:06,511 --> 00:33:09,848
- Carry on, Jimmy.
- Don't worry about the...
407
00:33:09,932 --> 00:33:12,184
We'll get him up, all right.
408
00:33:18,525 --> 00:33:23,155
Well, I'd better describe the route.
We start off simply up Kilimanjaro...
409
00:33:25,867 --> 00:33:28,453
Quite simple.
No problem there, basically.
410
00:33:28,537 --> 00:33:32,917
And then we go on to
the main face itself of Kilimanjaro.
411
00:33:33,001 --> 00:33:35,421
It's a bit difficult
here because...
412
00:33:39,883 --> 00:33:42,304
There's a difficult bit 'round here
when you've got to go...
413
00:33:42,387 --> 00:33:45,850
from the end of the mantel-piece
onto the coffee table.
414
00:33:45,892 --> 00:33:48,978
It's a bit of a difficult jump.
We don't need those.
415
00:33:49,061 --> 00:33:52,733
Then you've got the rail up here,
which is quite a good fortune.
416
00:33:52,816 --> 00:33:57,030
There's a terribly easy bit
over the floor up onto the chair.
417
00:33:57,071 --> 00:33:59,157
And then we've got...
418
00:34:00,910 --> 00:34:03,037
We get down.
We go quite simplistic.
419
00:34:07,751 --> 00:34:09,836
He'll be Ieading
the first assault.
420
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,548
I'm afraid I shan't be coming
on your expedition, sir...
421
00:34:12,632 --> 00:34:17,096
'cause I have absolutely no confidence
in anyone involved in it!
422
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:20,766
Oh. dear.
423
00:34:22,561 --> 00:34:24,938
- What about you?
- I'm game, sir.
424
00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:26,941
Jolly good.
425
00:34:29,527 --> 00:34:30,736
Good Lord!
426
00:34:58,479 --> 00:35:00,439
And now for something
completely different.
427
00:35:00,606 --> 00:35:02,776
- Inspector!
- Yes, sir?
428
00:35:02,817 --> 00:35:05,445
I was sitting on a park bench
and I put my coat down.
429
00:35:05,487 --> 00:35:09,784
When I picked it up, I found my wallet
had gone and �15 had been stolen.
430
00:35:09,825 --> 00:35:13,372
- Did you see anyone?
- No, no one at all.
431
00:35:15,499 --> 00:35:18,253
Well, there's very little
we can do about that, sir.
432
00:35:27,847 --> 00:35:30,350
Do you want to come back
to my place?
433
00:35:34,772 --> 00:35:36,774
Yeah, all right.
434
00:36:14,361 --> 00:36:17,281
And so Miss Spume
returned to her typing...
435
00:36:17,365 --> 00:36:19,492
and dreamed
her little dreamy dreams...
436
00:36:19,575 --> 00:36:23,706
unaware of the cruel trick
fate had in store for her.
437
00:36:23,789 --> 00:36:26,251
For Miss Spume was
about to fall victim...
438
00:36:26,334 --> 00:36:30,715
of the dreaded international
Chinese communist conspiracy
439
00:36:30,756 --> 00:36:33,050
Yes, these fanatical fiends...
440
00:36:33,092 --> 00:36:36,805
under the leadership
of the so-called Mao Tse-tung...
441
00:36:36,889 --> 00:36:41,186
had caught Miss Spume off guard
for one brief but fatal moment...
442
00:36:43,813 --> 00:36:45,775
and destroyed her...
443
00:36:46,984 --> 00:36:50,446
just as they are ready to go
anytime free men anywhere...
444
00:36:50,529 --> 00:36:53,325
waver in their defense
of democracy.
445
00:37:02,836 --> 00:37:05,297
Once again, American defense...
446
00:37:05,339 --> 00:37:08,510
proves its effectiveness
against international communism.
447
00:37:08,593 --> 00:37:11,931
Using this diagram of a tooth
to represent any small country...
448
00:37:11,973 --> 00:37:14,392
we can see how
international communism works...
449
00:37:14,475 --> 00:37:17,020
by eroding away from within.
450
00:37:21,985 --> 00:37:23,903
When one country, or tooth...
451
00:37:23,987 --> 00:37:28,743
falls victim to international communism,
its neighbors soon follow.
452
00:37:28,826 --> 00:37:32,372
In dentistry, this is known
as the domino theory.
453
00:37:32,456 --> 00:37:37,128
But with American defense,
the decay is stopped before it starts.
454
00:37:37,170 --> 00:37:42,050
That's why nine out of ten
small countries choose American defense.
455
00:37:42,133 --> 00:37:46,472
Or Crelm toothpaste
with the miracle ingredient Frauduline.
456
00:37:46,513 --> 00:37:49,142
The white car represents
Crelm toothpaste...
457
00:37:49,184 --> 00:37:51,269
with the miracle ingredient
Frauduline.
458
00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:54,649
The not-white car represents
another toothpaste.
459
00:37:57,193 --> 00:37:59,780
Both cars provide 30% protection.
460
00:38:01,657 --> 00:38:04,536
At 60% protection,
both cars are doing well.
461
00:38:06,204 --> 00:38:08,707
At 90% protection... Wait.
462
00:38:08,791 --> 00:38:10,543
The not-white car is out...
463
00:38:10,626 --> 00:38:14,464
and Crelm toothpaste goes on
to win with 100% protection.
464
00:38:14,548 --> 00:38:17,259
Yes. Do like all smart motorists.
465
00:38:17,342 --> 00:38:19,470
Choose Crelm toothpaste!
466
00:38:19,554 --> 00:38:24,018
Or Shrill petrol,
with the new additive GLC-9424075,...
467
00:38:24,101 --> 00:38:26,520
after 6:00 p.m., 9424047.
468
00:38:26,562 --> 00:38:29,232
Using this white card
to represent engine deposits...
469
00:38:29,316 --> 00:38:34,238
and this black card to represent
Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075,...
470
00:38:34,322 --> 00:38:36,824
after 6:00 p.m., 9424047...
471
00:38:36,908 --> 00:38:40,162
we can see how the engine deposits
are pushed off the face of the earth...
472
00:38:40,245 --> 00:38:42,498
by the superior forces
available to Sh--
473
00:38:48,588 --> 00:38:50,341
This is the police.
474
00:38:50,424 --> 00:38:53,469
We know you're in there,
so come out with your hands up.
475
00:38:53,552 --> 00:38:55,931
You'll never take me alive
copper!
476
00:38:55,972 --> 00:38:58,517
All right, then. Sergeant!
477
00:39:17,290 --> 00:39:20,711
Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth.
478
00:40:08,351 --> 00:40:13,023
Thank you, thank you,
Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth.
479
00:40:13,107 --> 00:40:16,737
A smile, two fangs
and an "Excuse me".
480
00:40:16,820 --> 00:40:19,489
And next tonight,
gentlemen and ladies...
481
00:40:19,531 --> 00:40:22,952
here at the Peephole Club
for the very first time...
482
00:40:23,036 --> 00:40:24,954
we're very proud to welcome...
483
00:40:25,038 --> 00:40:29,126
Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice.
484
00:40:37,220 --> 00:40:39,263
Thank you, thank you.
485
00:40:39,347 --> 00:40:43,018
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have in this box...
486
00:40:43,101 --> 00:40:45,562
23 white mice...
487
00:40:45,646 --> 00:40:49,067
mice which I have
painstakingly trained...
488
00:40:49,150 --> 00:40:51,069
over the past few years...
489
00:40:51,152 --> 00:40:54,240
to squeak at a selected pitch.
490
00:40:55,408 --> 00:40:57,368
This one is "A"-Sharp...
491
00:40:57,410 --> 00:41:00,038
and this one is "G".
492
00:41:00,122 --> 00:41:03,960
"G", "A"-Sharp.
You get the general idea.
493
00:41:04,043 --> 00:41:08,215
Now, these mice are so arranged
upon this rack...
494
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:11,510
that when played
in the correct order...
495
00:41:11,593 --> 00:41:13,346
they will squeak...
496
00:41:13,430 --> 00:41:16,391
"Three Blinded White Mice."
497
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:19,854
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you, on the mouse organ...
498
00:41:19,937 --> 00:41:22,481
"Three Blinded White Mice."
499
00:41:22,565 --> 00:41:24,276
Thank you.
500
00:41:27,321 --> 00:41:30,033
- Oh, my God!
- Somebody stop him.
501
00:41:53,519 --> 00:41:55,480
Ten seconds, studio.
502
00:41:57,524 --> 00:42:00,069
Stop him!
Stop that bastard!
503
00:42:03,698 --> 00:42:07,786
Hello, and welcome to another
edition of It's the Arts.
504
00:42:07,870 --> 00:42:12,167
And we kick off this evening
with a look at the cinema.
505
00:42:12,208 --> 00:42:16,589
One of the most prolific film directors
of this age, or indeed, of any age...
506
00:42:16,672 --> 00:42:20,385
is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country
for the first time in five years...
507
00:42:20,469 --> 00:42:24,389
to open a season of his films
at the National Film Theatre.
508
00:42:24,473 --> 00:42:28,144
And we are indeed fortunate to have him
with us in the studio this evening.
509
00:42:28,227 --> 00:42:30,313
- Good evening.
- Edward...
510
00:42:30,397 --> 00:42:32,858
- You don't mind if I call you Edward?
- Not at all.
511
00:42:32,900 --> 00:42:35,277
It does seem to worry some people.
I'm not sure why.
512
00:42:35,361 --> 00:42:38,949
Some are sensitive, so I do take the
precaution of asking on these occasions.
513
00:42:39,032 --> 00:42:42,578
- No, that's fine.
- So Edward it is. Splendid.
514
00:42:42,662 --> 00:42:45,790
- I'm sorry to have brought it up.
- No. Edward it is.
515
00:42:45,874 --> 00:42:48,585
Thank you very much
for being so helpful.
516
00:42:48,669 --> 00:42:52,590
- At times it's more than my job's worth.
- Quite.
517
00:42:52,674 --> 00:42:56,554
Makes it hard to establish a rapport,
to put the other person at his ease.
518
00:42:56,637 --> 00:42:58,556
- Quite.
- Quite.
519
00:42:58,639 --> 00:43:01,351
Silly little point,
but it does seem to matter.
520
00:43:01,393 --> 00:43:05,897
Still Iess said the better.
Ted, when you first went in the film...
521
00:43:05,981 --> 00:43:08,693
You don't mind if I call you Ted,
as opposed to Edward?
522
00:43:08,735 --> 00:43:10,862
- No. Everyone calls me Ted.
- Splendid.
523
00:43:10,903 --> 00:43:13,741
- Because it's much shorter, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.
524
00:43:13,824 --> 00:43:17,203
- Much Iess formal.
- Ted, Edward, anything.
525
00:43:17,245 --> 00:43:19,748
Splendid.
Incidentally, do call me Tom.
526
00:43:19,789 --> 00:43:22,752
I don't want you bothering with
any of this "Thomas" nonsense.
527
00:43:25,713 --> 00:43:28,383
Fine. Where were we?
Eddie baby, when you first...
528
00:43:28,425 --> 00:43:32,388
I'm sorry. I don't like
being called Eddie baby.
529
00:43:32,430 --> 00:43:35,850
- I beg your pardon?
- I don't like being called Eddie baby.
530
00:43:35,934 --> 00:43:37,978
Now get on with your interview.
531
00:43:39,146 --> 00:43:42,609
- Did I call you Eddie baby?
- Yes, you did.
532
00:43:42,651 --> 00:43:45,737
I don't think I did.
Did I call him Eddie baby?
533
00:43:45,821 --> 00:43:48,491
Yes, you did!
534
00:43:48,574 --> 00:43:50,952
I didn't call you Eddie baby,
did I, sweetie?
535
00:43:50,994 --> 00:43:53,455
- Don't call me sweetie.
- Can I call you sugar plum?
536
00:43:53,539 --> 00:43:55,082
- No!
- Pussycat?
537
00:43:55,124 --> 00:43:57,459
- No!
- Angel drawers?
538
00:43:57,501 --> 00:43:59,796
No, you may not.
539
00:43:59,879 --> 00:44:02,090
- Now get on with it.
- Can I call you Frank?
540
00:44:04,051 --> 00:44:06,971
- Why Frank?
- Frank's a nice name.
541
00:44:07,054 --> 00:44:09,933
President Nixon's got
a hedgehog called Frank.
542
00:44:09,975 --> 00:44:13,563
- What is going on?
- Frank. Frankie. Fran. Frannie.
543
00:44:13,646 --> 00:44:17,025
- Little Frannie Boo.
- That's it. I'm leaving.
544
00:44:17,108 --> 00:44:19,779
Had enough of this.
I've never been so insulted.
545
00:44:19,862 --> 00:44:22,990
- Tell us about your film, Sir Edward.
- What?
546
00:44:23,074 --> 00:44:27,162
Tell us about your latest film,
Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind.
547
00:44:27,245 --> 00:44:30,958
- None of this pussycat nonsense?
- Promise.
548
00:44:31,042 --> 00:44:33,002
Please. Sir Edward.
549
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:36,340
- My latest film?
- Yes, Sir Edward.
550
00:44:38,008 --> 00:44:43,139
I first had the idea, funnily enough,
when I joined the industry in 1919.
551
00:44:43,181 --> 00:44:45,810
Of course, in those days
I was only a tea boy...
552
00:44:45,852 --> 00:44:47,687
Oh, shut up.
553
00:44:47,770 --> 00:44:49,982
- There he is!
- Get him.
554
00:45:00,911 --> 00:45:03,748
Stop him!
555
00:45:03,831 --> 00:45:05,917
He's a murderer!
556
00:45:06,001 --> 00:45:08,837
Come back, you fiend! Fiend!
557
00:45:08,879 --> 00:45:10,840
He's a murderer!
558
00:46:33,815 --> 00:46:36,401
"The room is full of milkmen...
559
00:46:37,486 --> 00:46:40,614
some of whom are...
560
00:46:41,532 --> 00:46:45,328
are very old."
561
00:46:50,501 --> 00:46:53,005
This man is Ernest Scribbler...
562
00:46:53,088 --> 00:46:55,465
manufacturer of jokes.
563
00:46:55,507 --> 00:46:59,471
In a few moments he will think
of the funniest joke in the world...
564
00:46:59,554 --> 00:47:03,476
and as a result
he will die laughing.
565
00:47:46,110 --> 00:47:49,113
It was obvious
the joke was lethal.
566
00:47:49,196 --> 00:47:51,700
No one could read it and live.
567
00:47:51,783 --> 00:47:55,121
Scribbler's mother, alarmed by
the unusual sounds of merriment...
568
00:47:55,204 --> 00:47:59,375
entered the room and found
what was, apparently...
569
00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:01,420
a suicide note.
570
00:48:30,538 --> 00:48:32,499
The war against the Hun
continues...
571
00:48:32,582 --> 00:48:35,043
and as Britain's brave boys
battle against the Bosch...
572
00:48:35,127 --> 00:48:38,339
their leaders are on the lookout for
new breakthroughs that could provide...
573
00:48:38,423 --> 00:48:41,343
the ultimate weapon
in the war against the Hun.
574
00:48:43,304 --> 00:48:47,350
Here, in this little house in Pinchley,
they think maybe they've found it.
575
00:48:47,434 --> 00:48:51,647
It's a joke so deadly, it could have
Fritz's forces falling about.
576
00:49:05,663 --> 00:49:07,792
Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm...
577
00:49:07,833 --> 00:49:11,754
the joke's devastating effectiveness
at a range of up to 50 yards.
578
00:49:41,540 --> 00:49:44,502
Fantastic!
579
00:49:45,503 --> 00:49:48,215
All through the winter of '43...
580
00:49:48,299 --> 00:49:51,844
we had translators working
in joke-proof conditions...
581
00:49:51,927 --> 00:49:56,058
to try and manufacture
a German version of the joke.
582
00:49:56,141 --> 00:49:59,562
They worked on one word each
for greater safety.
583
00:49:59,646 --> 00:50:04,193
One of them saw two words by mistake and
had to spend several weeks in hospital.
584
00:50:04,234 --> 00:50:07,071
But apart from that,
things went ahead pretty fast.
585
00:50:07,112 --> 00:50:09,658
And by January
we had the joke in a form...
586
00:50:09,741 --> 00:50:13,704
which our troops couldn't understand,
but which the Germans could.
587
00:50:13,746 --> 00:50:16,666
So on July the 8th, 1944...
588
00:50:16,749 --> 00:50:19,044
the joke was first told
to the enemy...
589
00:50:19,086 --> 00:50:21,046
in the Ardennes.
590
00:50:22,464 --> 00:50:25,510
Squad, tell the joke!
591
00:50:52,083 --> 00:50:54,419
In action, it was deadly.
592
00:51:31,214 --> 00:51:33,300
The German casualties
were appalling.
593
00:51:43,353 --> 00:51:46,524
It was a fantastic success
over 80,000 times as powerful...
594
00:51:46,608 --> 00:51:49,486
as Britain's great prewar joke,
which was used at Munich...
595
00:51:49,527 --> 00:51:51,489
and one which Hitler
couldn't match.
596
00:52:00,874 --> 00:52:04,295
I would like to apologize
for the rather poor taste...
597
00:52:04,379 --> 00:52:06,297
of the previous item.
598
00:52:07,716 --> 00:52:09,843
And excuse me, please.
599
00:52:45,386 --> 00:52:47,305
Fleet Street, please.
600
00:52:48,390 --> 00:52:50,309
All right, everybody,
stay close.
601
00:52:50,392 --> 00:52:52,478
Don't lag behind.
Keep together, everybody.
602
00:52:52,561 --> 00:52:55,232
Remember. Watch out
for the killer cars.
603
00:52:59,695 --> 00:53:01,572
Yes, the killer cars.
604
00:53:01,614 --> 00:53:06,620
For years the city had been plagued by
ever-increasing pedestrian congestion.
605
00:53:06,703 --> 00:53:08,915
In an attempt to eliminate
this problem...
606
00:53:08,957 --> 00:53:11,251
certain fanatical cars,..
607
00:53:11,292 --> 00:53:14,255
had taken the law
into their own hands.
608
00:53:17,675 --> 00:53:20,137
But the days of the killer cars
were numbered...
609
00:53:20,178 --> 00:53:23,598
thanks to the miracle
of atomic mutation.
610
00:53:39,702 --> 00:53:42,580
Thank you!
You've saved our city!
611
00:53:42,663 --> 00:53:44,583
But at what cost?
612
00:53:50,089 --> 00:53:53,635
Just then as it looked for certain,
that the city was about to be eaten...
613
00:53:53,676 --> 00:53:57,139
the earth trembled and the sun
was blotted out from the sky.
614
00:53:58,557 --> 00:54:01,228
Suddenly, swarms of giant
bees filled the air...
615
00:54:01,311 --> 00:54:05,483
and 300 million armored horsemen covered
with coats of 1,000 different colors...
616
00:54:05,566 --> 00:54:08,528
appeared at every street corner
attacking the monster cat...
617
00:54:08,569 --> 00:54:10,864
in a scene of such
spectacular proportions...
618
00:54:10,948 --> 00:54:14,660
that it could never in your life be seen
in a low-budget film like this.
619
00:54:14,743 --> 00:54:16,997
If you'd notice,
my mouth isn't moving either.
620
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:20,500
But just as the monster cat
was starting to weaken...
621
00:54:20,542 --> 00:54:23,170
the earth split apart
with a deafening roar and...
622
00:55:11,186 --> 00:55:13,773
Hello. I wish
to register a complaint.
623
00:55:15,191 --> 00:55:18,237
- Hello. Miss?
- What do you mean, "miss"?
624
00:55:19,613 --> 00:55:23,118
Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold.
I wish to make a complaint.
625
00:55:24,745 --> 00:55:26,913
Sorry.
We're closing for lunch.
626
00:55:26,955 --> 00:55:30,209
Nevermind that, my lad.
I wish to complain about this parrot...
627
00:55:30,293 --> 00:55:33,589
what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.
628
00:55:33,631 --> 00:55:36,800
Oh, yes, the Norwegian blue.
What's wrong with it?
629
00:55:36,884 --> 00:55:39,054
I'll tell you what's
wrong with it, my lad.
630
00:55:39,137 --> 00:55:41,932
It's dead.
That's what's wrong with it.
631
00:55:41,973 --> 00:55:44,769
No, it's resting. Look.
632
00:55:44,852 --> 00:55:49,441
Look, my Iad, I know a dead parrot when
I see one and I'm looking at one now.
633
00:55:49,483 --> 00:55:51,819
No, that's not dead,
it's resting.
634
00:55:51,902 --> 00:55:54,197
- Resting?
- Yeah, resting.
635
00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:57,242
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue,
isn't it? Beautiful plumage.
636
00:55:57,325 --> 00:56:01,414
The plumage don't enter into it.
It's still dead.
637
00:56:01,497 --> 00:56:03,500
No, it's resting.
638
00:56:04,835 --> 00:56:08,547
All right, then.
If it's resting, I'll wake it up.
639
00:56:08,631 --> 00:56:10,216
Hello, Polly!
640
00:56:11,843 --> 00:56:16,599
I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for
you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot!
641
00:56:16,682 --> 00:56:19,603
- There, he moved.
- No, that was you pushing the cage.
642
00:56:19,686 --> 00:56:21,938
- I didn't.
- Yes, you did
643
00:56:22,022 --> 00:56:24,024
Hello, Polly!
644
00:56:26,402 --> 00:56:28,362
Wakey, wakey!
645
00:56:30,073 --> 00:56:32,659
Rise and shine.
646
00:56:32,701 --> 00:56:35,497
This is your 9:00 alarm call.
647
00:56:40,503 --> 00:56:42,421
That's what I call
a dead parrot.
648
00:56:43,464 --> 00:56:45,967
- No, he's stunned.
- Stunned?
649
00:56:46,051 --> 00:56:48,512
Yeah, you stunned him
just as he was wakin' up.
650
00:56:48,553 --> 00:56:51,891
- Norwegian blues stun easily.
- I've had enough of this.
651
00:56:51,933 --> 00:56:56,021
That parrot is definitely deceased,
and when I bought it a half hour ago...
652
00:56:56,105 --> 00:56:58,774
you assured me that
its total lack of movement...
653
00:56:58,857 --> 00:57:03,446
was due to it being tired
and shagged out after a long squall.
654
00:57:03,530 --> 00:57:06,367
Well, he's pining
for the fjords.
655
00:57:09,912 --> 00:57:14,334
Pinin' for the fjords?
What kind of talk is that?
656
00:57:14,418 --> 00:57:17,881
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
the minute I got it home?
657
00:57:17,964 --> 00:57:21,927
Well, the Norwegian blue prefers
keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage.
658
00:57:21,969 --> 00:57:26,141
Look, I took the liberty of examining
that parrot and I discovered...
659
00:57:26,224 --> 00:57:29,936
the only reason it had been sitting
on its perch in the first place...
660
00:57:30,020 --> 00:57:33,149
was that it had been
nailed there.
661
00:57:33,232 --> 00:57:35,151
Oh, well, of course
it was nailed there.
662
00:57:35,234 --> 00:57:39,698
If I hadn't nailed it there, it would
have muscled up to those bars and boom.
663
00:57:39,782 --> 00:57:41,368
Look here mate.
664
00:57:42,494 --> 00:57:46,958
This parrot wouldn't boom
if you put 4,000 volts through it.
665
00:57:46,999 --> 00:57:49,252
It's bleedin' demised.
666
00:57:50,461 --> 00:57:52,422
No, it's pining.
667
00:57:52,464 --> 00:57:56,426
It's not pining,
it's passed on.
668
00:57:57,470 --> 00:57:59,848
This parrot is no more.
669
00:57:59,931 --> 00:58:02,309
It has ceased to be.
670
00:58:02,351 --> 00:58:05,813
It's expired and
gone to see its maker.
671
00:58:05,896 --> 00:58:08,900
This is a late parrot!
672
00:58:09,901 --> 00:58:11,570
It's a stiff.
673
00:58:11,653 --> 00:58:14,657
Bereft of Iife.
It rests in peace.
674
00:58:14,741 --> 00:58:18,787
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.
675
00:58:18,829 --> 00:58:22,500
It's run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.
676
00:58:22,584 --> 00:58:27,422
This is an ex-parrot.
677
00:58:30,343 --> 00:58:32,595
Well. I'd better
replace it then.
678
00:58:32,678 --> 00:58:35,474
If you want to get anything done in
this country you've got to complain...
679
00:58:35,516 --> 00:58:37,768
till you're blue in the mouth.
680
00:58:37,851 --> 00:58:40,021
Sorry, squire.
We're right out of parrots.
681
00:58:40,105 --> 00:58:42,148
I see.
I get the picture.
682
00:58:43,901 --> 00:58:47,655
- I've got a slug.
- Does it talk?
683
00:58:49,199 --> 00:58:51,118
Not really.
684
00:58:51,201 --> 00:58:54,288
Well, it's scarcely
a replacement then, is it?
685
00:58:57,041 --> 00:59:00,921
Listen. I didn't want
to work in a pet shop.
686
00:59:01,005 --> 00:59:03,340
I wanted to be a lumberjack.
687
00:59:06,052 --> 00:59:07,971
Sorry. This is irrelevant.
688
00:59:08,054 --> 00:59:08,054
Yes, a lumberjack!
689
00:59:08,054 --> 00:59:10,600
Yes, a lumberjack!
690
00:59:10,683 --> 00:59:15,355
Leaping from trees as they float down
the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
691
00:59:15,397 --> 00:59:17,858
The giant redwood!
692
00:59:17,900 --> 00:59:19,986
The larch!
693
00:59:20,069 --> 00:59:23,615
The fir!
The mighty Scotch pine!
694
00:59:23,698 --> 00:59:25,618
What about my bloody parrot?
695
00:59:25,701 --> 00:59:28,662
The smell of fresh-cut timber!
696
00:59:28,746 --> 00:59:31,583
The crash of mighty trees.
697
00:59:31,666 --> 00:59:36,506
With my best girl
by my side, we'd sing!
698
00:59:40,678 --> 00:59:43,222
I'm a lumberjack
and I'm okay
699
00:59:43,305 --> 00:59:45,976
I sleep all night
and I work all day
700
00:59:46,059 --> 00:59:48,436
He's a lumberjack
and he's okay
701
00:59:48,478 --> 00:59:50,982
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
702
00:59:51,065 --> 00:59:53,568
I cut down trees
I eat my lunch
703
00:59:53,651 --> 00:59:56,113
I go to the lavatory
704
00:59:56,155 --> 00:59:58,532
On Wednesday
I go shopping
705
00:59:58,615 --> 01:00:01,077
And have buttered scones for tea
706
01:00:01,119 --> 01:00:04,122
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
707
01:00:04,164 --> 01:00:06,500
He goes to the lavatory
708
01:00:06,584 --> 01:00:08,961
On Wednesday
he goes shopping
709
01:00:09,044 --> 01:00:11,965
And has buttered scones for tea
710
01:00:12,007 --> 01:00:14,468
He's a lumberjack
and he's okay
711
01:00:14,551 --> 01:00:17,096
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
712
01:00:17,138 --> 01:00:19,849
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
713
01:00:19,932 --> 01:00:22,436
I like to press wild flowers
714
01:00:22,519 --> 01:00:25,105
I put on women's clothing
715
01:00:25,147 --> 01:00:27,817
And hang around in bars
716
01:00:27,901 --> 01:00:30,570
He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
717
01:00:30,654 --> 01:00:32,990
He likes to press wild flowers
718
01:00:33,032 --> 01:00:35,535
He puts on women's clothing
719
01:00:35,618 --> 01:00:38,497
And hangs around in bars
720
01:00:38,539 --> 01:00:40,999
He's a lumberjack
and he's okay
721
01:00:41,083 --> 01:00:43,628
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
722
01:00:43,711 --> 01:00:46,464
I cut down trees
I wear high heels
723
01:00:46,549 --> 01:00:48,926
Suspenders and a bra
724
01:00:49,009 --> 01:00:51,637
I wish I'd been a girlie
725
01:00:51,680 --> 01:00:54,433
Just like my dear papa
726
01:00:54,516 --> 01:00:57,353
- I cut down trees, I wear high heels
- He cuts down trees
727
01:00:57,437 --> 01:01:00,148
Suspenders and a bra
728
01:01:00,189 --> 01:01:02,443
I wish I'd been a girlie
729
01:01:02,526 --> 01:01:05,738
Just like my dear papa
730
01:01:05,821 --> 01:01:07,699
Oh, Brevers!
731
01:01:07,741 --> 01:01:10,827
And I thought
you were so butch
732
01:01:12,413 --> 01:01:14,165
Oh, you pansy!
733
01:01:24,344 --> 01:01:26,596
And now for something
completely different.
734
01:01:34,731 --> 01:01:36,817
Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm so late.
735
01:01:36,900 --> 01:01:39,153
That's all right, darling.
I'm 20 minutes late myself.
736
01:01:39,237 --> 01:01:42,490
- Let's not start worrying about that.
- It's nice here, isn't it?
737
01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:45,160
Yes. A very good restaurant.
Five stars, you know?
738
01:01:45,244 --> 01:01:47,246
- Really?
- Oh, yes. Terrific reputation.
739
01:01:47,329 --> 01:01:50,250
Good evening, madame.
Good evening, sir.
740
01:01:50,333 --> 01:01:53,253
May I say what a pleasure it is
to see you here again, sir?
741
01:01:53,336 --> 01:01:57,550
Thank you. Apparently,
the boeuf en croute is fantastic.
742
01:01:57,592 --> 01:02:00,220
If I may recommend, sir,
the faisan a la reine.
743
01:02:00,304 --> 01:02:03,307
The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.
744
01:02:03,390 --> 01:02:05,727
- Mmm, that sounds very good.
- Sounds lovely.
745
01:02:05,769 --> 01:02:08,354
Anyway, darling,
have a look at the menu.
746
01:02:08,438 --> 01:02:10,691
See what you want.
Take your time.
747
01:02:10,775 --> 01:02:14,529
By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty
fork. Could you get me another one?
748
01:02:14,613 --> 01:02:18,617
- I beg your pardon?
- It's dirty. Could I get another fork?
749
01:02:18,700 --> 01:02:22,413
- Sir, I do apologize.
- No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me.
750
01:02:22,455 --> 01:02:24,917
No. I do apologize, sir.
751
01:02:24,959 --> 01:02:27,628
I will fetch the headwaiter
immediatement.
752
01:02:27,711 --> 01:02:30,131
No, please.
No need to do that.
753
01:02:30,173 --> 01:02:32,676
Oh no.
I feel sure the headwaiter...
754
01:02:32,759 --> 01:02:36,055
he will want to apologize
to you himself, personally.
755
01:02:36,138 --> 01:02:40,936
I cannot think how this has happened.
I will fetch him at once.
756
01:02:40,978 --> 01:02:43,939
Well, you certainly
get good service here, don't you?
757
01:02:43,981 --> 01:02:46,234
Yes, they really
look after you here.
758
01:02:46,317 --> 01:02:49,070
This all looks delicious.
759
01:02:50,406 --> 01:02:54,326
Excuse me, sir, madame.
760
01:02:54,368 --> 01:02:56,747
This is filthy.
Who the hell washes up?
761
01:02:56,830 --> 01:02:59,750
Find out who washes up and give
them their cards immediately.
762
01:02:59,833 --> 01:03:02,545
No! On second thought,
we can't take any chances.
763
01:03:02,628 --> 01:03:06,508
- Sack the entire washing-up staff
- I don't want to cause any trouble.
764
01:03:06,592 --> 01:03:10,722
It's quite right that you bring
this sort of thing to our attention.
765
01:03:10,805 --> 01:03:14,434
Find the manager and tell him
what has happened immediately!
766
01:03:14,517 --> 01:03:17,605
- Please, I don't want to make any fuss.
- Oh, no, there's no fuss.
767
01:03:17,688 --> 01:03:20,149
We simply wish to ensure
that nothing interferes...
768
01:03:20,191 --> 01:03:22,361
with your complete
enjoyment of the meal.
769
01:03:22,444 --> 01:03:25,864
I'm sure it won't.
It was only a dirty fork.
770
01:03:25,948 --> 01:03:30,620
I know, and I'm sorry.
Bitterly sorry.
771
01:03:30,703 --> 01:03:35,209
But I know nothing I can say can alter
the fact that in this restaurant...
772
01:03:35,292 --> 01:03:40,006
you have been given a dirty,
filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
773
01:03:40,048 --> 01:03:42,510
- It wasn't smelly.
- It is smelly.
774
01:03:42,552 --> 01:03:45,013
And obscene and disgusting.
I hate it.
775
01:03:45,054 --> 01:03:48,517
- That's enough, Gilberto.
- Dirty, nasty, smutty!
776
01:03:50,269 --> 01:03:52,689
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madame.
777
01:03:52,731 --> 01:03:56,526
I'm the manager.
I've only just heard what's happened.
778
01:03:56,610 --> 01:03:59,280
- May I sit down?
- Yes, of course.
779
01:04:01,908 --> 01:04:06,413
I want to apologize
humbly, deeply and sincerely...
780
01:04:06,497 --> 01:04:08,416
about the fork.
781
01:04:08,500 --> 01:04:12,212
No. Really, it was only a tiny piece
of dirt. You can hardly see it.
782
01:04:12,295 --> 01:04:17,301
Oh, you're good, kind,
fine people for saying that.
783
01:04:17,384 --> 01:04:21,431
But I can see it.
To me it's Iike a boulder...
784
01:04:21,515 --> 01:04:23,726
a vast bowl of pus.
785
01:04:24,602 --> 01:04:29,608
- Oh, it's not that bad.
- No, it gets me here.
786
01:04:29,692 --> 01:04:32,695
I can't give you any excuses.
There are no excuses.
787
01:04:32,778 --> 01:04:35,615
I've been meaning to spend
more time in the restaurant...
788
01:04:35,699 --> 01:04:40,746
but I haven't been well recently and
things have been going badly back there.
789
01:04:40,830 --> 01:04:43,375
Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple
who prepares the salad...
790
01:04:43,458 --> 01:04:46,253
can hardly move
her poor, swollen fingers.
791
01:04:46,295 --> 01:04:49,757
And then, of course,
there's Gilberto's war wound.
792
01:04:49,799 --> 01:04:52,802
But they're good people,
and they're fine people...
793
01:04:52,886 --> 01:04:56,432
and together we were beginning
to get over this bad patch.
794
01:04:56,474 --> 01:04:59,227
There was light
at the end of the tunnel...
795
01:04:59,311 --> 01:05:01,980
when this...
796
01:05:02,064 --> 01:05:05,485
when this happened!
797
01:05:05,568 --> 01:05:09,573
- Can I get you some water?
- It's the end of the road!
798
01:05:12,076 --> 01:05:14,746
You bastards!
799
01:05:14,829 --> 01:05:16,373
You mean us?
800
01:05:16,456 --> 01:05:19,961
You vicious,
heartless bastards!
801
01:05:21,671 --> 01:05:23,798
Look what you've done to him.
802
01:05:23,839 --> 01:05:28,053
He's worked his fingers to the bone
to make this place what it is!
803
01:05:28,137 --> 01:05:31,516
And you come in here
with your petty...
804
01:05:31,599 --> 01:05:34,812
vicious, heartless quibbling...
805
01:05:34,854 --> 01:05:38,441
and you grind him
into the dirt.
806
01:05:40,944 --> 01:05:44,156
This fine, honorable man...
807
01:05:44,239 --> 01:05:48,202
whose boots you
are not worthy to kiss!
808
01:05:50,748 --> 01:05:54,335
Oh, it makes me mad.
809
01:06:03,471 --> 01:06:05,348
Easy, Mongo! Easy.
810
01:06:05,389 --> 01:06:08,685
Stark, stirring mad.
811
01:06:08,769 --> 01:06:11,523
No, Mongo! Oh!
Oh, the wound!
812
01:06:11,606 --> 01:06:14,150
They destroyed him!
813
01:06:14,234 --> 01:06:17,696
It's the end! The end.
814
01:06:19,407 --> 01:06:21,743
He's dead.
815
01:06:21,827 --> 01:06:23,745
They killed him!
816
01:06:23,829 --> 01:06:25,789
Revenge.
817
01:06:27,917 --> 01:06:31,045
No, Mongo!
Never kill a customer.
818
01:06:31,087 --> 01:06:33,716
Oh, the wound again.
819
01:06:33,799 --> 01:06:36,260
They ruined him!
820
01:06:42,101 --> 01:06:45,021
Lucky I didn't tell'em
about the dirty knife.
821
01:07:25,653 --> 01:07:27,738
Good morning.
I'm a bank robber.
822
01:07:27,822 --> 01:07:30,742
Please don't panic.
Just hand over all the money.
823
01:07:30,826 --> 01:07:33,538
This is a Iingerie shop, sir.
824
01:07:38,335 --> 01:07:39,920
Fine, fine.
825
01:07:43,842 --> 01:07:46,094
Adopt, adapt and improve.
826
01:07:48,180 --> 01:07:50,767
- Well, what have you got?
- We've got corsets, stockings...
827
01:07:50,850 --> 01:07:53,896
suspender belts, tights, bras,
slips, petticoats, knickers...
828
01:07:53,979 --> 01:07:56,106
socks and garters, sir.
829
01:07:56,190 --> 01:07:57,775
Fine.
830
01:08:00,946 --> 01:08:03,240
No large quantities
of money in safes?
831
01:08:03,323 --> 01:08:05,785
No, sir.
832
01:08:05,868 --> 01:08:09,289
No piles of cash
in easy-to-carry bags?
833
01:08:09,373 --> 01:08:11,667
No, sir.
834
01:08:11,750 --> 01:08:13,335
Fine.
835
01:08:23,723 --> 01:08:25,642
Just a pair of panties then,
please.
836
01:08:35,571 --> 01:08:37,698
And now for something
completely different.
837
01:08:42,871 --> 01:08:45,249
Hey, did you see that?
838
01:08:47,543 --> 01:08:50,923
Did you see something
go past the window?
839
01:08:51,006 --> 01:08:51,924
What?
840
01:08:52,007 --> 01:08:55,260
Somebody went past
that window, downwards.
841
01:09:00,266 --> 01:09:02,061
Another one.
842
01:09:04,230 --> 01:09:06,566
Another one just went past,
downwards.
843
01:09:07,859 --> 01:09:08,985
What?
844
01:09:09,069 --> 01:09:11,531
Two people have just fallen
past that window!
845
01:09:12,740 --> 01:09:14,659
Fine.
846
01:09:14,742 --> 01:09:19,373
Look, two people...three people
have just fallen past that window.
847
01:09:22,294 --> 01:09:24,462
Must be a board meeting.
848
01:09:24,546 --> 01:09:26,966
Oh, yeah.
849
01:09:27,008 --> 01:09:31,095
- That was Wilkins of finance.
- No, that was Robertson.
850
01:09:31,179 --> 01:09:33,974
- Wilkins.
- It was Robertson.
851
01:09:36,811 --> 01:09:39,731
- That was Wilkins.
- Oh, yeah.
852
01:09:39,814 --> 01:09:41,901
Bet Parkinson next.
853
01:09:41,984 --> 01:09:44,820
- Bet you it won't.
- How much?
854
01:09:46,030 --> 01:09:50,077
- What?
- How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?
855
01:09:50,160 --> 01:09:53,289
- Yeah, all right.
- Right. Done. You're on.
856
01:09:53,373 --> 01:09:55,416
Parkinson next.
857
01:09:58,170 --> 01:10:00,881
- Come on, Parky!
- Don't be silly, Parky!
858
01:10:00,965 --> 01:10:03,635
- Come on, Parky! Jump!
- Don't be stupid, man!
859
01:10:03,677 --> 01:10:07,222
Dear Sir, I would like to complain
about that last scene...
860
01:10:07,305 --> 01:10:09,684
about people falling
out of high buildings.
861
01:10:09,725 --> 01:10:13,021
I myself have worked all
my life in such a building...
862
01:10:13,105 --> 01:10:16,275
and have never once...
863
01:11:25,483 --> 01:11:27,944
Psst. All clear.
864
01:11:37,122 --> 01:11:40,835
Vocational guidance counselor.
865
01:11:51,807 --> 01:11:55,770
Ah, Mr. Anchovy.
Do sit down.
866
01:11:55,853 --> 01:11:58,856
Oh, thank you. Take the weight
off the feet, eh?
867
01:11:58,940 --> 01:12:00,943
Yes.
868
01:12:01,026 --> 01:12:03,404
Lovely weather
for the time of year, I must say.
869
01:12:03,487 --> 01:12:06,908
Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy,
you asked us to advise you...
870
01:12:06,992 --> 01:12:09,661
which job in life
you were best suited for.
871
01:12:09,744 --> 01:12:12,081
- That is correct.
- Well. I have the results here...
872
01:12:12,164 --> 01:12:15,042
of all the interviews and the aptitude
tests that you took last week...
873
01:12:15,126 --> 01:12:19,506
and from them we've built up clear
impression of the person you are...
874
01:12:19,590 --> 01:12:22,594
and I think I can say
without fear of contradiction...
875
01:12:22,677 --> 01:12:25,138
that the ideal job for you
is accountancy.
876
01:12:26,222 --> 01:12:27,725
But I am an accountant.
877
01:12:27,808 --> 01:12:30,895
Jolly good. Well, back
to the office with you then.
878
01:12:30,978 --> 01:12:32,898
No, no,
you don't understand.
879
01:12:32,981 --> 01:12:35,400
I've been an accountant
for the Iast 20 years.
880
01:12:35,484 --> 01:12:38,529
But I want a new job, something
exciting that will let me live.
881
01:12:38,613 --> 01:12:40,948
But accountancy
is quite exciting.
882
01:12:41,032 --> 01:12:44,119
Exciting? No, it's not.
883
01:12:44,203 --> 01:12:46,830
It's dull, dull, dull!
884
01:12:46,914 --> 01:12:49,334
My God, it's dull.
885
01:12:49,376 --> 01:12:52,380
It's so deadly dull
and tedious...
886
01:12:52,463 --> 01:12:56,425
and stuffy and boring
and desperately dull!
887
01:12:56,509 --> 01:12:59,388
I can't stand it any longer.
I want to live.
888
01:12:59,471 --> 01:13:02,892
Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but,
you see, in your report here...
889
01:13:02,934 --> 01:13:06,396
it says that you are
an extremely dull person.
890
01:13:07,732 --> 01:13:10,025
Our experts describe you as...
891
01:13:10,067 --> 01:13:12,988
"an appallingly dull fellow",
"unimaginative",...
892
01:13:13,071 --> 01:13:16,616
"timid, spineless, "
"easily dominated",...
893
01:13:16,700 --> 01:13:19,495
"no sense of humor",
"tedious company"...
894
01:13:19,579 --> 01:13:21,873
and "irrepressibly
drab and awful".
895
01:13:21,914 --> 01:13:25,044
And where as in most professions
these would be considerable drawbacks...
896
01:13:25,127 --> 01:13:27,379
in accountancy
they are a positive boon.
897
01:13:27,463 --> 01:13:31,176
I'm only as awful as this
because accountancy does this to people.
898
01:13:31,259 --> 01:13:33,888
Can't you help me?
899
01:13:33,930 --> 01:13:36,015
Any idea of what you want to be?
900
01:13:36,098 --> 01:13:38,852
- Yes. Yes, I have.
- What is it?
901
01:13:38,936 --> 01:13:41,396
A lion tamer.
902
01:13:43,608 --> 01:13:46,653
Yes. Of course,
it's a bit of a jump, isn't it...
903
01:13:46,736 --> 01:13:49,240
accountancy to lion taming
in one go?
904
01:13:49,323 --> 01:13:53,452
Don't think it'd be better to work your
way towards lion taming via banking?
905
01:13:53,536 --> 01:13:55,831
- Or insurance?
- No! I don't want to wait.
906
01:13:55,914 --> 01:13:58,291
I want to start immediately.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00...
907
01:13:58,333 --> 01:14:00,545
I want to be in there, taming.
908
01:14:00,628 --> 01:14:03,965
Yes, but what qualifications
do you have?
909
01:14:04,048 --> 01:14:06,719
- I've got a hat.
- A hat?
910
01:14:06,802 --> 01:14:09,723
Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat
with "Lion Tamer" written on it...
911
01:14:09,806 --> 01:14:13,101
and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer"
in big red neon letters...
912
01:14:13,143 --> 01:14:15,146
so you can tame them
after dark.
913
01:14:15,229 --> 01:14:17,773
- I see.
- During the day, you switch it off...
914
01:14:17,815 --> 01:14:21,236
and you can claim it as reasonable wear
and tear under "allowable expenses"...
915
01:14:21,320 --> 01:14:23,280
under paragraph 335...
916
01:14:23,322 --> 01:14:26,409
Yes. I follow.
But, you see, the snag is...
917
01:14:26,493 --> 01:14:28,912
if I now call the service
and say to them...
918
01:14:28,995 --> 01:14:33,292
"I've got a 45-year-old accountant
who wants to become a lion tamer"...
919
01:14:33,375 --> 01:14:37,422
their first question is not going to be
"Does he have his own hat?"
920
01:14:37,506 --> 01:14:41,636
They're more likely to ask
what experience you've had with lions.
921
01:14:41,678 --> 01:14:45,348
- I've seen'em at the zoo.
- Good.
922
01:14:45,432 --> 01:14:49,478
Little brown, furry creatures with
short, stumpy legs and great long noses.
923
01:14:49,520 --> 01:14:52,232
I could tame one of those.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
924
01:14:52,315 --> 01:14:54,484
Look pretty tame
to start with.
925
01:14:54,568 --> 01:14:57,238
And these lions,
how high are they?
926
01:14:57,321 --> 01:15:01,285
Oh, about so high.
They don't frighten me at all.
927
01:15:01,368 --> 01:15:03,579
And do these Iions eat ants?
928
01:15:03,662 --> 01:15:05,581
Yes, that's right.
929
01:15:06,875 --> 01:15:12,173
Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of
there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater.
930
01:15:12,256 --> 01:15:15,468
- A what?
- An anteater, not a lion.
931
01:15:15,551 --> 01:15:17,929
You see a lion,
is a huge savage beast...
932
01:15:18,013 --> 01:15:20,182
about ten-foot long,
five-foot high...
933
01:15:20,265 --> 01:15:22,727
with masses of sharp,
pointy teeth...
934
01:15:22,769 --> 01:15:24,979
and nasty, long,
razor-sharp claws.
935
01:15:25,063 --> 01:15:27,107
It looks like this.
936
01:15:29,234 --> 01:15:32,864
- Now. shall I call the circus?
- No!
937
01:15:32,906 --> 01:15:35,909
I like your idea
of making the move...
938
01:15:35,951 --> 01:15:37,995
to lion taming
by easy stages...
939
01:15:38,079 --> 01:15:40,998
say by insurance
or banking.
940
01:15:41,082 --> 01:15:43,502
- Banking?
- Yes, banking. I see it now.
941
01:15:43,585 --> 01:15:45,712
It's a man's life, isn't it?
Travel. excitement...
942
01:15:45,754 --> 01:15:49,926
decisions affecting people's lives,
romance, thrills.
943
01:15:50,009 --> 01:15:52,178
I'll put you in touch
with the bank.
944
01:15:54,640 --> 01:15:56,475
Probably.
945
01:15:56,559 --> 01:16:00,063
I'd like a couple of days to think
about it, 'cause it is a big decision.
946
01:16:00,147 --> 01:16:02,399
Or maybe, maybe a week,
at most, you know?
947
01:16:02,482 --> 01:16:06,696
But I do want to make this decision.
I'd like to do banking...
948
01:16:06,779 --> 01:16:08,407
It's sad, isn't it...
949
01:16:08,449 --> 01:16:11,535
that this is what
accountancy does to people?
950
01:16:11,619 --> 01:16:15,498
The only way that we can fight this
terrible, debilitating social disease...
951
01:16:15,582 --> 01:16:18,878
I only want to be famous.
I only want to see my name in lights.
952
01:16:18,961 --> 01:16:20,922
And so you shall.
953
01:16:29,516 --> 01:16:31,101
Cue!
954
01:16:37,274 --> 01:16:39,736
Hello, good evening,
and welcome to "Blackmail."
955
01:16:39,820 --> 01:16:43,407
To start tonight's program,
we go north to Preston in Lancashire...
956
01:16:43,490 --> 01:16:45,410
and Mrs. Betty Teal.
957
01:16:46,995 --> 01:16:51,750
Hello Mrs. Teal.
Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15...
958
01:16:51,834 --> 01:16:55,755
and is to stop us revealing
the name of your lover in Bolton.
959
01:16:55,839 --> 01:16:58,967
So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15
by return of post, please...
960
01:16:59,050 --> 01:17:02,972
and your husband Trevor and your lovely
children Diane, Janice and Juliet...
961
01:17:03,014 --> 01:17:07,352
need never know the name
of your lover in Bolton.
962
01:17:12,901 --> 01:17:16,072
Now, a letter, a series
of photographs...
963
01:17:16,155 --> 01:17:19,533
and a hotel registration book
which could add up to divorce...
964
01:17:19,575 --> 01:17:22,496
premature retirement and
possible criminal proceedings...
965
01:17:22,537 --> 01:17:25,041
for a company director
in Bromsgrove.
966
01:17:25,083 --> 01:17:27,251
He's a Freemason
and a conservative M.P.
967
01:17:27,335 --> 01:17:31,006
So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove,
that's $3,000, please...
968
01:17:31,090 --> 01:17:35,595
to stop us revealing your name, the name
of the three other people involved...
969
01:17:35,679 --> 01:17:37,847
the youth organization
to which they belong...
970
01:17:37,889 --> 01:17:40,225
and the shop where
you bought the equipment.
971
01:17:47,860 --> 01:17:51,156
Well, we'll be showing you more of that
photograph later in the program...
972
01:17:51,239 --> 01:17:55,076
unless we hear
from Charles or Michael.
973
01:17:55,160 --> 01:17:57,663
Now it's time for
our "Stop The Film" spot.
974
01:17:57,747 --> 01:17:59,665
The rules are very simple.
975
01:17:59,749 --> 01:18:02,210
We have taken a film which
contains compromising scenes...
976
01:18:02,252 --> 01:18:06,382
and unpleasant details
which could wreck a man's career.
977
01:18:06,466 --> 01:18:09,719
But the victim may phone me
at any time and stop the film.
978
01:18:09,802 --> 01:18:12,973
But don't forget, the money increases
as the film goes on...
979
01:18:13,057 --> 01:18:16,018
so the longer you leave it,
the more you have to pay.
980
01:18:16,101 --> 01:18:21,024
So, with the clock at $300 this week's
"Stop the Film" visited Temstead.
981
01:19:13,421 --> 01:19:15,757
He's a very brave man.
982
01:19:22,390 --> 01:19:25,060
No, sir. No.
983
01:19:25,143 --> 01:19:27,729
I'm sure you didn't, sir.
No, that's all right.
984
01:19:27,813 --> 01:19:30,650
We don't morally censure.
We just want the money.
985
01:19:30,733 --> 01:19:32,819
And here's the address
to send it to:
986
01:19:37,199 --> 01:19:39,703
Thank you, sir.
987
01:19:42,163 --> 01:19:44,834
Ah. There you are.
988
01:19:44,876 --> 01:19:47,336
Well, that's quite
enough of that.
989
01:19:47,378 --> 01:19:49,339
And now...
990
01:19:52,342 --> 01:19:57,265
a local civic group reenacts
a famous scene from history.
991
01:19:57,348 --> 01:20:01,645
This week, the Townswomen Guild
of Sheffield in Yorkshire.
992
01:20:01,729 --> 01:20:03,272
Miss Rita Fairbanks...
993
01:20:03,355 --> 01:20:06,276
you organized this representation
of the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
994
01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:07,861
Why?
995
01:20:07,944 --> 01:20:11,074
Weve always been extremely
interested in modern works.
996
01:20:11,157 --> 01:20:15,829
We were the first townswomen's guild
to perform "Camp on Blood Island"...
997
01:20:15,913 --> 01:20:17,539
and, of course, last year...
998
01:20:17,623 --> 01:20:21,836
we did our extremely popular
reenactment of Nazi war atrocities...
999
01:20:21,920 --> 01:20:25,007
so this year we thought we'd do
something in a much lighter vein.
1000
01:20:25,091 --> 01:20:28,344
I can see that you're all ready to go,
so I'Il just wish you good luck...
1001
01:20:28,427 --> 01:20:31,014
in your latest venture,
"The Battle of Pearl Harbor."
1002
01:20:31,098 --> 01:20:34,560
Thank you very much
indeed, young man.
1003
01:21:01,843 --> 01:21:03,511
Oh, Brian.
1004
01:21:03,595 --> 01:21:05,513
Oh, Elsbeth.
1005
01:21:15,984 --> 01:21:18,780
Be gentle with me.
1006
01:21:51,694 --> 01:21:56,325
Oh, Brian, are you gonna do anything
or just show me films all evening?
1007
01:21:56,366 --> 01:21:58,036
Just one more, dear.
1008
01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:12,010
Good afternoon, and welcome
to Brantley Park...
1009
01:22:12,052 --> 01:22:15,139
just as the competitors are
running out onto the field...
1010
01:22:15,223 --> 01:22:18,101
on this lovely winter afternoon
with the going firm under foot...
1011
01:22:18,184 --> 01:22:20,145
and very little sign of rain.
1012
01:22:20,229 --> 01:22:22,690
Looks like we're in for
a splendid afternoon sport...
1013
01:22:22,731 --> 01:22:26,695
on this, the 127th
"Upper Class Twit of the Year" show.
1014
01:22:26,736 --> 01:22:30,366
There's a big crowd here today
to see these prize idiots in action.
1015
01:22:30,449 --> 01:22:31,993
Vivian Smith Smythe Smith.
1016
01:22:32,076 --> 01:22:34,246
He's in the Grenadier Guards,
and can count to four.
1017
01:22:34,329 --> 01:22:36,081
Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris.
1018
01:22:36,165 --> 01:22:39,085
He's an old Italian and married
to an attractive table lamp.
1019
01:22:39,127 --> 01:22:42,088
Nigel Incubator Jones.
His best friend is a tree...
1020
01:22:42,130 --> 01:22:44,341
and in his spare time
he's a stockbroker.
1021
01:22:44,425 --> 01:22:47,094
Javais Brookhamster.
He's in the wine trade...
1022
01:22:47,178 --> 01:22:49,598
and his father uses him
as a wastepaper basket.
1023
01:22:49,639 --> 01:22:52,726
And finally, Oliver Singen Mollusk,
another old Italian.
1024
01:22:52,768 --> 01:22:55,855
His father was a cabinet minister
and his mother won the derby.
1025
01:22:55,938 --> 01:22:58,650
He's thought by many to be
this year's outstanding twit.
1026
01:22:58,733 --> 01:23:01,654
And now the twits are moving
up to the starting line...
1027
01:23:01,737 --> 01:23:04,658
and any moment now they'll be
under starter's orders.
1028
01:23:04,741 --> 01:23:06,660
I'm afraid they're facing
the wrong way at the moment...
1029
01:23:06,743 --> 01:23:08,662
the wrong way at the moment,
but the starter will sort this out.
1030
01:23:08,745 --> 01:23:13,876
Any moment now they're going to have the
big off. This is always a tense moment.
1031
01:23:13,960 --> 01:23:15,754
And they're off!
1032
01:23:15,796 --> 01:23:19,550
No, they're not. They didn't realize
that they had to start with the gun.
1033
01:23:19,633 --> 01:23:22,971
I think the starter has explained to
them. Several are beginning to point.
1034
01:23:23,054 --> 01:23:25,474
And ready again,
and off again!
1035
01:23:25,516 --> 01:23:27,476
This time, yes,
a really fast start!
1036
01:23:27,518 --> 01:23:31,064
It's Vivian going for the lead
Oliver's running wide to the right!
1037
01:23:31,148 --> 01:23:33,817
And to the left but,
he'll soon pick up the line...
1038
01:23:33,900 --> 01:23:36,654
into the first event which is,
walking along a straight line.
1039
01:23:36,738 --> 01:23:39,449
The twits have to walk along these lines
without falling over.
1040
01:23:39,490 --> 01:23:42,077
This is Oliver's worst event.
He's having a little trouble.
1041
01:23:42,161 --> 01:23:45,080
Simon's coming through.
Nigel's coming through.
1042
01:23:45,164 --> 01:23:48,418
Oliver's over at the back. Never mind.
He'll get up. He's a great fighter.
1043
01:23:48,501 --> 01:23:50,503
He's having...
Oh dear, never mind.
1044
01:23:50,587 --> 01:23:53,507
We're coming to the second event,
the matchbox jump.
1045
01:23:53,591 --> 01:23:57,137
Two layers of matchboxes for the twits
to clear. Nigel and Simon are over!
1046
01:23:57,179 --> 01:23:59,306
And Vivian has refused.
1047
01:23:59,389 --> 01:24:01,684
And now,
it's "Kicking the Beggar".
1048
01:24:01,768 --> 01:24:05,855
And Nigel to put the brogue in there!
Oh, beautifully placed!
1049
01:24:05,939 --> 01:24:08,359
The beggar is down,
and the crowd really loved it!
1050
01:24:08,442 --> 01:24:11,195
And here it's Oliver.
He hasn't cleared the jump.
1051
01:24:11,278 --> 01:24:13,615
Oh, if only his father
could understand.
1052
01:24:13,699 --> 01:24:16,284
And now it's
"Running Over the Old Lady".
1053
01:24:16,368 --> 01:24:19,998
Simon in the lead and he's done
it beautifully, right in the midriff.
1054
01:24:20,081 --> 01:24:23,043
Back to Oliver.
Oh, he's magnificent, this man.
1055
01:24:23,085 --> 01:24:25,462
He doesn't know when he's beaten. He
doesn't know what he's winning either.
1056
01:24:25,546 --> 01:24:29,676
He has no sort of sensory apparatus
known to man. Bad luck. Oliver.
1057
01:24:29,759 --> 01:24:32,763
And now, it's "Waking the Neighbor".
Simon's there at the front.
1058
01:24:32,847 --> 01:24:37,269
He's slamming that door, and woken
the neighbor Simon's moved into first.
1059
01:24:37,352 --> 01:24:39,271
The crowd is really excited!
1060
01:24:39,354 --> 01:24:41,398
And now it's
"Shooting the Rabbits".
1061
01:24:41,482 --> 01:24:45,320
These rabbits have been staked to the
ground so they can't move too much...
1062
01:24:45,403 --> 01:24:48,824
as this is only
a one-day event.
1063
01:24:48,908 --> 01:24:52,411
There's mist there which I think is
causing the twits a bit of trouble.
1064
01:24:52,495 --> 01:24:55,123
And Javais is using
the butt of his rifle!
1065
01:24:55,207 --> 01:24:57,794
Vivian's going in with a fist,
and Javais is first away!
1066
01:24:57,877 --> 01:25:00,463
And Oliver
has run himself over!
1067
01:25:00,546 --> 01:25:02,465
What a great twit!
1068
01:25:02,548 --> 01:25:06,053
And now, it's "Taking the Bras off
the Debutantes from the Back".
1069
01:25:06,136 --> 01:25:09,266
This is a particularly difficult
event for most of the twits...
1070
01:25:09,349 --> 01:25:12,352
one of the ones that takes the most time
on this exacting course.
1071
01:25:12,435 --> 01:25:16,899
The crowd are getting excited, and I
think the twits are getting excited too.
1072
01:25:16,983 --> 01:25:20,863
And it's Simon into the lead,
closely followed by Nigel!
1073
01:25:20,946 --> 01:25:23,031
And it's the final event now!
1074
01:25:23,115 --> 01:25:26,161
They have to shoot themselves
to become upper class twit of the year.
1075
01:25:26,244 --> 01:25:29,832
Simon can't get the bra off his finger
it's Nigel there!
1076
01:25:29,915 --> 01:25:32,042
Nigel misses!
Simon's missing!
1077
01:25:32,126 --> 01:25:35,047
Nigel misses again!
And Javais has shot himself!
1078
01:25:35,130 --> 01:25:38,216
Javais is
upper class twit of the year!
1079
01:25:38,300 --> 01:25:40,553
Vivian is there!
He's not having any luck!
1080
01:25:40,637 --> 01:25:43,848
Simon shoots.
Simon has shot Vivian!
1081
01:25:43,931 --> 01:25:46,602
Simon has shot Vivian
into second place.
1082
01:25:46,685 --> 01:25:49,439
And Simon shoots himself.
Simon is third.
1083
01:25:49,481 --> 01:25:53,109
And Nigel clubs himself
into fourth place!
1084
01:25:53,151 --> 01:25:55,112
And so, the final result:
1085
01:25:55,154 --> 01:25:57,114
first and upper class
twit of the year...
1086
01:25:57,156 --> 01:25:59,283
Javais Brookhamster of Kensington...
1087
01:25:59,367 --> 01:26:01,995
runner up, Vivian Smith Smythe Smith
of Mayfair...
1088
01:26:02,079 --> 01:26:04,833
and third, Simon Zinc
Trumpet Harris of Kensington.
89220
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