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1
00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,261
- Okay, that was nice.
- I know.
2
00:00:23,286 --> 00:00:25,873
I have never been this sexually
in sync with someone before.
3
00:00:25,898 --> 00:00:28,805
It's like, you know exactly
what buttons to press on my body
4
00:00:28,830 --> 00:00:30,104
without me ever having to tell you.
5
00:00:30,129 --> 00:00:32,501
You know, I usually have
to be so verbal in bed.
6
00:00:32,526 --> 00:00:36,328
Don't you agree? That
we're sexually in sync?
7
00:00:37,005 --> 00:00:40,506
And that's why that I decided last night
8
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:42,569
I am ready to be gender monogamous.
9
00:00:42,594 --> 00:00:44,871
Monoga-what now? With me?
10
00:00:44,896 --> 00:00:46,729
Yes, from this point on,
11
00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,189
you'll be the only woman that I sleep with.
12
00:00:49,214 --> 00:00:51,558
Aw, you make me feel so special.
13
00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,249
But you know, at this point in your life,
14
00:00:53,274 --> 00:00:55,097
you really should keep your options open.
15
00:00:55,122 --> 00:00:59,060
Why, when I have all the woman
I'm ever gonna want right here?
16
00:00:59,085 --> 00:01:03,723
You know, you remind me of
myself when I was your age.
17
00:01:03,748 --> 00:01:06,178
I was always crazy in love with someone.
18
00:01:06,203 --> 00:01:08,370
And usually the wrong one.
19
00:01:08,395 --> 00:01:11,424
But you need to learn
to protect your heart.
20
00:01:11,726 --> 00:01:13,316
But why?
21
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:14,797
It's not like you protected your heart.
22
00:01:14,822 --> 00:01:15,970
You put it right here.
23
00:01:15,995 --> 00:01:17,494
Who's Belinda?
24
00:01:17,519 --> 00:01:20,509
Were you very, very much in love?
25
00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:24,317
Okay, okay, enough snuggling.
26
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,564
I get it. I get it.
27
00:01:25,589 --> 00:01:26,696
It hurts too much to talk about.
28
00:01:26,721 --> 00:01:29,684
Don't worry. I'm very patient.
29
00:01:29,862 --> 00:01:32,085
You can tell me tonight. Dinner?
30
00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,397
Can't have dinner tonight.
I got to work late.
31
00:01:34,422 --> 00:01:35,522
Oh, yeah, you know what,
32
00:01:35,547 --> 00:01:37,071
I actually might have to work late too.
33
00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,680
So just drinks, then.
34
00:01:38,705 --> 00:01:41,042
Do you ever take no for an answer?
35
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:42,979
No.
36
00:01:52,108 --> 00:01:54,977
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
37
00:01:58,187 --> 00:02:00,604
Okay, your outfit is
totally killing it today.
38
00:02:00,638 --> 00:02:01,912
Especially those boots.
39
00:02:01,937 --> 00:02:03,293
Thanks!
40
00:02:03,318 --> 00:02:05,232
Wait, I don't look like
I'm trying too hard, do I?
41
00:02:05,257 --> 00:02:07,568
No, you look like, "I woke up like this."
42
00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,426
Except, you know, you brushed your teeth.
43
00:02:09,451 --> 00:02:12,325
Wait, are you nervous about
the Jade Winslow pitch?
44
00:02:12,350 --> 00:02:14,952
Yeah, I'm literally freaking out, Liza.
45
00:02:14,977 --> 00:02:17,263
Jade Winslow would be
the perfect first author
46
00:02:17,288 --> 00:02:18,152
for "Millennial."
47
00:02:18,177 --> 00:02:19,510
Her fashion blogs get more hits
48
00:02:19,535 --> 00:02:21,751
than every single Buzzfeed list combined.
49
00:02:21,776 --> 00:02:23,315
She could make or break a new designer,
50
00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:24,482
and she's only 25.
51
00:02:24,507 --> 00:02:25,578
Liza!
52
00:02:25,955 --> 00:02:27,754
Don't let the Trout reel you in.
53
00:02:27,779 --> 00:02:29,378
Don't worry, I'll jump
off the hook quickly.
54
00:02:29,403 --> 00:02:31,025
Liza!
55
00:02:31,258 --> 00:02:33,251
At least I'll try.
56
00:02:34,599 --> 00:02:36,182
I'm not sure if you're aware,
57
00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:38,318
but Charles is getting
the coveted Oprah Award
58
00:02:38,343 --> 00:02:39,676
at the Women in Literature Luncheon
59
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,868
for his charity, Books Into Buildings.
60
00:02:41,893 --> 00:02:44,039
Oh, is that an architectural foundation?
61
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,403
No, they use recycled
pulp from unsold books
62
00:02:46,428 --> 00:02:48,077
to build schools for girls in Nigeria.
63
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,502
Or is it Sierra Leone? Find that out!
64
00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:51,405
Okay.
65
00:02:51,431 --> 00:02:53,143
I have been given the prestigious task
66
00:02:53,168 --> 00:02:54,667
of introducing Charles at the luncheon,
67
00:02:54,692 --> 00:02:55,796
and I intend to shine.
68
00:02:55,821 --> 00:02:59,239
So set up a cut, color,
mani-pedi, full wax:
69
00:02:59,264 --> 00:03:01,624
North Pole, South Pole, and the equator.
70
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,451
What about the Panama Canal?
71
00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:05,259
I'm not a porn star, Liza!
72
00:03:05,574 --> 00:03:07,324
Hi, Diana.
73
00:03:07,349 --> 00:03:09,769
Jade Winslow's here, and
I could really use Liza.
74
00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:11,134
Liza's busy.
75
00:03:11,772 --> 00:03:12,927
Actually, I was thinking
76
00:03:12,952 --> 00:03:14,755
that you could sit in on the meeting too.
77
00:03:14,808 --> 00:03:16,257
We really want to land this author,
78
00:03:16,282 --> 00:03:18,160
and your marketing expertise
79
00:03:18,185 --> 00:03:20,012
could totally help seal the deal.
80
00:03:20,037 --> 00:03:22,347
I'm sorry; do I look like I'm made of time?
81
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,861
Give me five minutes.
82
00:03:26,729 --> 00:03:30,168
Ah, Kelsey, darling, how are you?
83
00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,357
My love!
84
00:03:32,015 --> 00:03:34,509
Liza, this is Redmond, Jade's agent,
85
00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:36,959
and I must say he's the best in the biz.
86
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,005
She's exaggerating. But she isn't.
87
00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:40,259
It's so nice to meet you.
88
00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:42,329
Ow! You clawed me.
89
00:03:42,353 --> 00:03:44,375
Jade, we're so excited to have you here.
90
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,226
- I'm a huge fan.
- Give her a sec.
91
00:03:46,251 --> 00:03:48,802
She's just wrapping up a Twitter
feud with Karl Lagerfeld.
92
00:03:48,827 --> 00:03:50,478
It takes him ages to respond.
93
00:03:50,511 --> 00:03:51,624
You know, 'cause of the gloves.
94
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,573
How do you say "power bottom" in German?
95
00:03:54,598 --> 00:03:56,057
Bueckstueck.
96
00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,425
All right, let's go.
97
00:04:00,008 --> 00:04:03,098
My book is going to do to
the Meatpacking District
98
00:04:03,123 --> 00:04:07,001
what "The Jungle" did to
the meatpacking industry.
99
00:04:07,274 --> 00:04:08,721
Okay, the beauty business
100
00:04:08,746 --> 00:04:10,662
is teeming with fake-ass sycophants,
101
00:04:10,687 --> 00:04:14,330
and I'm planning on bringing the
worst offenders to their knees.
102
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,972
Okay, so you can think of my tell-all
103
00:04:15,997 --> 00:04:19,545
as, like, "The Devil Wears
Prada" but, like, on speed,
104
00:04:19,570 --> 00:04:21,801
only there will be no thinly
veiled references in my book.
105
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,609
Okay, if I'm talking about "Vogue,"
106
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,541
like, I'll just say, "Vogue."
107
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,711
Right, to the flack in the room
that's worried about libel,
108
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,993
just don't be, okay, because these lips
109
00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:33,595
and these lips, they don't lie.
110
00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:35,121
That's quite a vagina monologue.
111
00:04:35,146 --> 00:04:36,729
I heard that, Ann Taylor Loft.
112
00:04:36,772 --> 00:04:38,323
She has the ears of a wolf.
113
00:04:38,348 --> 00:04:41,413
Ann Taylor Loft? Hardly.
114
00:04:41,438 --> 00:04:43,040
This is Alexander McQueen.
115
00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:45,640
Not the turtleneck. Not the boots.
116
00:04:46,841 --> 00:04:49,148
"Millennial" is perfect for this, Jade,
117
00:04:49,173 --> 00:04:51,845
okay, both from a strategic
and editorial standpoint.
118
00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:53,967
No one is better capable of integrating
119
00:04:53,992 --> 00:04:56,239
your already established online presence
120
00:04:56,264 --> 00:04:59,405
with our youth-based branding
and social media expertise.
121
00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:01,046
Yes, we'd really love to discuss
122
00:05:01,071 --> 00:05:02,455
some marketing strategies...
123
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,630
I'm sorry, but "marketing strategies"
124
00:05:04,655 --> 00:05:06,960
sounds like something a sad dad
125
00:05:06,985 --> 00:05:08,714
would have on his Linkedln page.
126
00:05:08,739 --> 00:05:13,083
Okay, just, like, talk to me, all right?
127
00:05:13,108 --> 00:05:15,114
Why you?
128
00:05:15,139 --> 00:05:17,666
I mean, are you cool?
129
00:05:17,690 --> 00:05:19,417
Yes, yes.
130
00:05:19,442 --> 00:05:22,481
We are very, very cool.
131
00:05:24,095 --> 00:05:26,921
Get me out of here.
132
00:05:26,946 --> 00:05:29,344
Sorry to cut this short,
but we've got to skeedads.
133
00:05:29,369 --> 00:05:31,419
Scrivener is waiting for us at Polo Bar,
134
00:05:31,444 --> 00:05:33,782
and it's Jade's favorite place to not eat.
135
00:05:33,807 --> 00:05:35,552
Redmond.
136
00:05:35,577 --> 00:05:37,472
- I want this book.
- Everyone does.
137
00:05:37,498 --> 00:05:38,777
There's a bidding war.
138
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:41,185
If you want to get in
the game, go in high...
139
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,040
sky high.
140
00:05:42,065 --> 00:05:44,816
- We'll be in touch.
- Okay.
141
00:05:45,318 --> 00:05:48,352
I've never been so sure a book
is going to be a best seller.
142
00:05:48,377 --> 00:05:50,211
I say we should go all in.
143
00:05:50,318 --> 00:05:52,039
Shit.
144
00:05:53,423 --> 00:05:55,433
What?
145
00:05:56,575 --> 00:05:58,722
Shut the door.
146
00:06:03,723 --> 00:06:06,307
Oh, my God. Is that his...
147
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,299
Wow. Don't touch it.
148
00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:11,269
This is incredibly embarrassing
for Charles and for Empirical.
149
00:06:11,294 --> 00:06:12,914
Other blogs are already
starting to pick it up...
150
00:06:17,964 --> 00:06:20,373
There is a... A small matter
151
00:06:20,398 --> 00:06:21,750
that I need to talk to you about.
152
00:06:21,775 --> 00:06:24,075
- We know. Not small.
- We've seen it.
153
00:06:24,235 --> 00:06:25,594
I don't know what to say.
154
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,707
It was very humid,
155
00:06:26,732 --> 00:06:29,797
and the fabric on those
shorts was very thin.
156
00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:31,056
These things happen.
157
00:06:31,081 --> 00:06:32,443
There's no need to explain yourself.
158
00:06:32,468 --> 00:06:34,334
I can assure you, we will get it off.
159
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:36,397
- Down.
- Down.
160
00:06:36,422 --> 00:06:38,577
- Really?
- Yes.
161
00:06:38,602 --> 00:06:42,354
That would be just...
162
00:06:42,379 --> 00:06:44,272
Thank you.
163
00:06:50,615 --> 00:06:51,948
- Get it offline now!
- But how?
164
00:06:51,973 --> 00:06:53,729
I don't know. That's your job.
165
00:06:53,754 --> 00:06:56,218
Go!
166
00:07:03,286 --> 00:07:06,627
I once dated a guy who
was hung like a horse.
167
00:07:06,652 --> 00:07:08,287
Yeah, he was only, like, 4 feet tall
168
00:07:08,312 --> 00:07:09,512
and had this tiny little torso,
169
00:07:09,537 --> 00:07:12,537
so when it got hard he could,
like, rest his chin on it...
170
00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:14,323
You know, like, "The Thinker."
171
00:07:14,348 --> 00:07:16,515
- Ew.
- No, it was hot.
172
00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:20,193
Oh, uh-oh, Charles' pic just
went up on freeballin.net.
173
00:07:20,218 --> 00:07:21,833
Good thing the perv that
runs that site owes me.
174
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,161
It'll be down in five.
175
00:07:23,186 --> 00:07:24,897
Thank you so much for
helping me with this, Lauren.
176
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,188
I didn't even know where to start.
177
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,224
Listen, okay, all I ask is
178
00:07:27,249 --> 00:07:28,891
that you put in a good word for me
179
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,079
with that goddess roommate of yours.
180
00:07:30,104 --> 00:07:31,463
Okay, because she's playing
hard to get and it is really...
181
00:07:32,963 --> 00:07:34,241
- Uh-oh.
- What?
182
00:07:34,265 --> 00:07:35,083
No, no, no, we got to pick up the pace.
183
00:07:35,108 --> 00:07:36,570
It just went up on two more sites,
184
00:07:36,595 --> 00:07:38,633
and oh, God, it has a name now.
185
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:39,915
What are they calling it?
186
00:07:39,939 --> 00:07:46,426
The Empiriconda... accurate.
187
00:07:48,277 --> 00:07:50,920
Every time Lauren gets the
Empiriconda off one website,
188
00:07:50,945 --> 00:07:52,617
it pops up on another.
189
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:55,759
Whoa, I don't understand how he walks,
190
00:07:55,784 --> 00:07:57,882
let alone runs runs the
bases, or, quite frankly,
191
00:07:57,907 --> 00:07:59,842
why he even needs a bat, damn.
192
00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:00,834
Remember the good old days
193
00:08:00,859 --> 00:08:02,270
when you could take an embarrassing photo
194
00:08:02,295 --> 00:08:03,452
without fear that it would be posted
195
00:08:03,477 --> 00:08:05,902
on a worldwide platform
for millions of eyes to see
196
00:08:05,927 --> 00:08:08,079
where it could feasibly
exist until the end of days?
197
00:08:08,104 --> 00:08:10,099
Why do you think I still own a Polaroid?
198
00:08:10,124 --> 00:08:11,512
I thought you were off that.
199
00:08:11,537 --> 00:08:13,357
I have a secret stalker account.
200
00:08:13,382 --> 00:08:17,012
You know, to spy on enemies and old flames.
201
00:08:17,037 --> 00:08:18,700
Whose page are you looking for?
202
00:08:18,725 --> 00:08:21,842
- The infamous Belinda?
- Mmhmm.
203
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,554
I always wondered what she looked like.
204
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:24,734
I mean, look at this.
205
00:08:24,758 --> 00:08:26,168
Is it me, or does every
one of these pictures
206
00:08:26,193 --> 00:08:28,291
look like the ones that
come with the frame?
207
00:08:28,316 --> 00:08:29,715
It reminds me of my old profile page
208
00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:31,106
right before we got the divorce.
209
00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:33,162
Everything's just a little too perfect.
210
00:08:33,187 --> 00:08:34,770
I mean, look at her.
211
00:08:34,795 --> 00:08:37,212
She looks miserable, poor thing.
212
00:08:37,237 --> 00:08:39,687
She was an incredible artist, you know?
213
00:08:40,032 --> 00:08:42,583
Why don't you have Josh cover
up that tattoo with a new one?
214
00:08:42,608 --> 00:08:45,032
No, you know, I wear it
like a badge of honor.
215
00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:47,250
I mean, this woman nearly destroyed me.
216
00:08:47,275 --> 00:08:49,275
I'm proud of myself for surviving it.
217
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:50,499
She sounds like a nightmare.
218
00:08:50,524 --> 00:08:52,011
Nah, she wasn't really.
219
00:08:52,036 --> 00:08:53,619
She was just, like, one of those people
220
00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:56,018
who was afraid to live the
life that she wanted to live.
221
00:08:56,184 --> 00:08:57,900
I mean, one minute we were in love,
222
00:08:57,925 --> 00:08:59,592
and the next thing you know I'm
reading about her engagement
223
00:08:59,617 --> 00:09:02,517
in "The New York Times" to this dude.
224
00:09:02,726 --> 00:09:03,748
I'm so sorry.
225
00:09:03,773 --> 00:09:05,904
Yeah, it would have been nice
to hear that from Belinda.
226
00:09:05,929 --> 00:09:08,847
A simple apology would've
saved me so much angst.
227
00:09:08,872 --> 00:09:12,096
But everybody is somebody's monster, right?
228
00:09:12,373 --> 00:09:14,656
Oh, my God, are they on
a log in matching denim?
229
00:09:14,681 --> 00:09:16,596
They are in pumpkin spice hell.
230
00:09:16,621 --> 00:09:18,656
- Wow.
- Yeah.
231
00:09:20,669 --> 00:09:24,023
Okay, I've successfully
removed the Empiriconda...
232
00:09:24,048 --> 00:09:26,624
- The Empiriconda?
- Oh, uh, yeah, you didn't know?
233
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,256
They named it.
234
00:09:28,605 --> 00:09:32,124
It's off of Gawker,
Vulture, Show Me the Chub,
235
00:09:32,149 --> 00:09:34,248
PorkSword.net, and The New Yorker.
236
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:35,918
The New Yorker?
237
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:38,218
Is there no class left in this world?
238
00:09:38,243 --> 00:09:40,690
I know, they shouted and
murmured the crap out of it.
239
00:09:40,715 --> 00:09:42,749
But there haven't been any
new posts in the last hour.
240
00:09:42,774 --> 00:09:45,358
I'll keep checking, but
I think we squashed it.
241
00:09:47,768 --> 00:09:49,935
Hey, I've got Redmond on the phone.
242
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,367
Where have you been? I made the offer.
243
00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:56,740
Kelsey, I'm impressed. $250,000.
244
00:09:56,765 --> 00:09:58,632
That's enough to take
this book off the market.
245
00:09:58,657 --> 00:10:00,991
So... Let's make a deal!
246
00:10:01,016 --> 00:10:02,583
We're not quite there yet, darling.
247
00:10:02,608 --> 00:10:04,615
Jade really likes that your imprint
248
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,842
is run by young people like herself,
249
00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:13,537
but she's worried you might
be, no offense, a little basic.
250
00:10:13,562 --> 00:10:15,846
She wants an editor she can have fun with.
251
00:10:15,871 --> 00:10:18,215
- I'm fun.
- I know, sweetie.
252
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,463
And you'll have a chance to prove it.
253
00:10:20,488 --> 00:10:22,569
She wants you to meet her out tonight
254
00:10:22,571 --> 00:10:24,885
in a more casual setting, get to know you.
255
00:10:24,910 --> 00:10:28,213
Really? Great.
256
00:10:28,238 --> 00:10:29,949
Oh, and what's the name of
257
00:10:29,974 --> 00:10:32,070
that tall awkward girl
again who works with you?
258
00:10:32,095 --> 00:10:34,773
- Liza.
- Yes, Liza.
259
00:10:34,798 --> 00:10:35,726
Bring her too
260
00:10:35,751 --> 00:10:37,574
and bring your boyfriends.
261
00:10:37,599 --> 00:10:40,433
She doesn't want tonight
to be a "taco truck."
262
00:10:40,458 --> 00:10:42,903
Her words... and also mine.
263
00:10:42,928 --> 00:10:44,398
Got it. We'll be there.
264
00:10:44,423 --> 00:10:47,174
Great, I'll have my assistant
e-mail you the details.
265
00:10:47,199 --> 00:10:48,486
Lars!
266
00:10:48,511 --> 00:10:49,863
Tall awkward girl?
267
00:11:00,024 --> 00:11:02,224
I think you forgot half your shirt, babe.
268
00:11:02,249 --> 00:11:04,781
It's a crop top, okay? And it's on trend.
269
00:11:04,806 --> 00:11:06,806
I'm not afraid to show a little skin.
270
00:11:06,831 --> 00:11:08,042
I'm fun!
271
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,481
You're definitely fun.
272
00:11:09,506 --> 00:11:11,215
You look like one of the Fly Girls.
273
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,826
One of the who?
274
00:11:13,113 --> 00:11:14,613
Hey, look, there's Jade.
275
00:11:14,638 --> 00:11:18,657
Hey, sloots! Welcome.
276
00:11:18,682 --> 00:11:20,538
You know, I just did a piece on my blog
277
00:11:20,563 --> 00:11:22,480
on how I wish the overalls trend would trip
278
00:11:22,505 --> 00:11:24,121
and fall into an active volcano,
279
00:11:24,146 --> 00:11:27,050
but you're making me
reconsider it... a little.
280
00:11:27,075 --> 00:11:28,932
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
281
00:11:28,957 --> 00:11:31,922
So a round of shots on me?
282
00:11:31,947 --> 00:11:33,692
Doubles?
283
00:11:33,717 --> 00:11:37,473
Hey, is anyone fiending to
hit the dance floor like me?
284
00:11:37,498 --> 00:11:39,331
Chillax, Miley Cyrus.
285
00:11:39,356 --> 00:11:40,804
Okay, it is a Tuesday,
286
00:11:40,829 --> 00:11:43,710
which means some of us are
hungover and out of drugs.
287
00:11:43,735 --> 00:11:45,551
So unless you have a bag
of Molly to get me going,
288
00:11:45,576 --> 00:11:47,250
then my ass is gonna remain in this seat
289
00:11:47,275 --> 00:11:50,927
until I've successfully
drank away my headache.
290
00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,055
Did somebody say Molly?
291
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,408
Who is this fine young thing?
292
00:11:54,433 --> 00:11:56,208
This is Thad, my boyfriend.
293
00:11:56,232 --> 00:11:58,511
Not bad, Kelsey. He's hot.
294
00:11:58,536 --> 00:12:00,337
He is hot, isn't he?
295
00:12:00,361 --> 00:12:02,009
Oh, and where's Josh?
296
00:12:02,034 --> 00:12:03,544
- Oh, he's on his way.
- Wow.
297
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:05,555
How did you know my boyfriend's name?
298
00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:06,902
Oh, you must have said it.
299
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,042
Did I?
300
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:11,488
Shoo! Okay, go. Go on! Go!
301
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:14,498
Gosh, you make out with a
lumbersexual for five minutes
302
00:12:14,523 --> 00:12:17,596
and he clings on like
an effing genital wart.
303
00:12:17,621 --> 00:12:19,692
Anyway, what was I saying?
304
00:12:19,717 --> 00:12:21,197
Oh, whiskey!
305
00:12:21,222 --> 00:12:22,613
To the Cliterati!
306
00:12:22,639 --> 00:12:24,472
Cliterati! Whoo!
307
00:12:24,497 --> 00:12:27,081
- Cheers.
- Cheers, all right.
308
00:12:27,106 --> 00:12:28,990
Whoo!
309
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:32,009
So then I discovered this guy
had fallen asleep on the couch
310
00:12:32,034 --> 00:12:35,629
pants around his ankles,
a tissue box next to him,
311
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,014
and a porno blasting on the computer.
312
00:12:38,039 --> 00:12:41,502
Hey, babe, that's what you
get for asking for a key.
313
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,718
You got caught wet-handed!
314
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:47,627
I love this song! Let's dance!
315
00:12:47,652 --> 00:12:49,004
Come on! Come on, guys!
316
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:51,412
You two go. I'm still not drunk enough.
317
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,222
No, go dance. Have fun, I'll stay.
318
00:12:54,247 --> 00:12:56,113
Jade, I'm just curious.
319
00:12:56,138 --> 00:12:57,622
Are you at all worried
320
00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,670
about pissing people off with this book?
321
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:02,123
No, no, I'm excited.
322
00:13:02,374 --> 00:13:04,958
Last week I watched a cover girl's waist
323
00:13:04,983 --> 00:13:07,166
get photoshopped to the size of my pinky,
324
00:13:07,191 --> 00:13:10,681
her chest inflated to
alien-Barbie-sized proportions,
325
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,884
and her wrinkles virtually expunged.
326
00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:15,797
All this business does is
perpetuate the wanked-out notion
327
00:13:15,822 --> 00:13:18,613
that youth and beauty are the only things
328
00:13:18,638 --> 00:13:20,335
that define a woman's worth.
329
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,978
I would rather slit my carotid artery
330
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,197
than spend one more day in an industry
331
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,950
that faults me simply for growing older.
332
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,281
I mean, it is so sheisty.
333
00:13:30,306 --> 00:13:32,605
Yeah, it is sheisty, isn't it?
334
00:13:32,630 --> 00:13:35,884
- Hey!
- Ugh, this idiot.
335
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:38,325
- Jade!
- Do you two know each other?
336
00:13:38,349 --> 00:13:40,180
Yeah, you could say that.
337
00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:44,820
Whoo, I have waited forever to do that.
338
00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:47,176
Sayonara, bitches.
339
00:13:48,555 --> 00:13:50,500
- Uh?
- Babe...
340
00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:52,680
I don't think you're getting that book.
341
00:13:57,188 --> 00:13:59,989
Josh, I had no idea. You
used to go out with Jade?
342
00:14:00,014 --> 00:14:01,449
Yeah, unfortunately.
343
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:05,189
We dated for a couple months.
It was fun for a while.
344
00:14:05,214 --> 00:14:08,753
Then it wasn't. She's batshit crazy.
345
00:14:08,778 --> 00:14:10,376
So what happened?
346
00:14:10,401 --> 00:14:12,768
She wouldn't let me go. I
mean, I told her it was over.
347
00:14:12,793 --> 00:14:14,161
Didn't matter.
348
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:17,396
She kept climbing up my fire escape.
349
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,784
Wait, is that butt stuff?
350
00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:21,025
No!
351
00:14:21,050 --> 00:14:24,490
I mean she was literally
climbing up my fire escape.
352
00:14:25,189 --> 00:14:26,887
I couldn't get rid of her!
353
00:14:26,913 --> 00:14:31,185
Finally she took me to one of
those stupid fashion parties
354
00:14:31,210 --> 00:14:35,328
and I met this really
hot model and I thought,
355
00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:37,153
"Two birds, one stone." You know?
356
00:14:37,178 --> 00:14:39,567
I hook up with the model and...
357
00:14:39,906 --> 00:14:41,372
Jade gets the message.
358
00:14:41,397 --> 00:14:43,072
That is genius.
359
00:14:43,097 --> 00:14:44,322
So you cheated on her?
360
00:14:44,347 --> 00:14:45,600
I had to do something.
361
00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:49,070
Okay, the point is, you
totally disrespected her.
362
00:14:49,095 --> 00:14:51,189
Fine! I'm sorry, okay?
363
00:14:51,214 --> 00:14:53,554
I admit I was wrong.
364
00:14:53,579 --> 00:14:55,737
She's a total nutjob.
365
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,678
Yeah, a nutjob whose book is gonna make
366
00:14:57,703 --> 00:14:59,398
some other publisher a ton of money.
367
00:14:59,423 --> 00:15:00,701
Nice work, Josh.
368
00:15:00,726 --> 00:15:02,841
How is this my fault?
369
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,690
Charles,
370
00:15:10,116 --> 00:15:12,660
I am proud to say that I have successfully
371
00:15:12,685 --> 00:15:16,103
handled your... situation.
372
00:15:16,128 --> 00:15:17,673
And now the first thing that comes up
373
00:15:17,698 --> 00:15:19,995
when you Google yourself
is the "Page Six" story
374
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,853
about your wife leaving you.
375
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:25,393
That's great news. Thanks so much, Diana.
376
00:15:25,418 --> 00:15:26,631
Oh, come on, it was my pleasure.
377
00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:28,268
I don't mean pleasure.
378
00:15:28,293 --> 00:15:30,974
It was... it was
difficult, meticulous work.
379
00:15:30,999 --> 00:15:32,665
I know. I got it.
380
00:15:32,690 --> 00:15:34,684
Well, at least, now we can
focus on more exciting things,
381
00:15:34,709 --> 00:15:35,954
like your award today!
382
00:15:35,979 --> 00:15:39,118
Yes, that's right. The luncheon.
383
00:15:40,401 --> 00:15:42,484
You gonna have the fish or the steak?
384
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,460
Uh, the steak.
385
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:47,452
Me too. I am a meat eater.
386
00:15:47,477 --> 00:15:49,284
Right.
387
00:15:49,309 --> 00:15:51,108
I'm gonna get going.
388
00:15:54,505 --> 00:15:57,306
Just...
389
00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:01,002
So I just got off the
phone with Jade's agent.
390
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:03,685
And he is really embarrassed
about what went down last night.
391
00:16:04,039 --> 00:16:06,708
Only not really, because he's an agent.
392
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,516
So what about the book?
393
00:16:08,541 --> 00:16:09,916
We lost it.
394
00:16:09,941 --> 00:16:12,108
They're gonna sign with
Harper Collins this afternoon.
395
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:14,095
So you think Jade did all of this
396
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,286
just so she could throw
a drink in Josh's face?
397
00:16:16,311 --> 00:16:19,072
I think that she's getting her 15 minutes,
398
00:16:19,097 --> 00:16:23,336
and she's clearly using them to
carry out insane revenge plots.
399
00:16:23,361 --> 00:16:24,572
Well, maybe we dodged a bullet.
400
00:16:24,597 --> 00:16:27,047
Totally. She was a monster.
401
00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:29,466
Well, everybody's somebody's monster.
402
00:16:29,491 --> 00:16:31,274
That's true.
403
00:16:33,318 --> 00:16:35,401
Hey, Kelsey.
404
00:16:35,426 --> 00:16:37,268
Can you find out from Redmond what time
405
00:16:37,293 --> 00:16:39,550
they're meeting with Harper Collins today?
406
00:16:39,575 --> 00:16:42,262
Maybe. Why?
407
00:16:42,287 --> 00:16:44,910
See if he'll do us a favor.
408
00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:47,869
- What are we doing?
- We're not giving up.
409
00:16:49,810 --> 00:16:51,944
Josh, thank you so much for doing this.
410
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,366
There she is! Get down!
411
00:16:54,391 --> 00:16:56,486
Honey, there's our Uber.
412
00:16:59,716 --> 00:17:01,782
Oh, what the... ?
413
00:17:01,807 --> 00:17:03,423
- Hey, Jade.
- Let me out of here!
414
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:04,742
It's okay! Just chill.
415
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:05,989
Here, have a drink.
416
00:17:06,014 --> 00:17:07,414
Josh has something he wants to say to you.
417
00:17:07,438 --> 00:17:09,772
I'm sorry I was an asshole.
418
00:17:09,797 --> 00:17:10,964
Okay, what's going on?
419
00:17:10,990 --> 00:17:13,794
This... this is me apologizing, okay?
420
00:17:13,819 --> 00:17:16,933
I'm sorry I disrespected
you. I was immature.
421
00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:18,814
Yeah, and selfish in bed.
422
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:20,676
No, wait, wait, wait!
423
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:22,469
When were we ever in a bed?
424
00:17:22,494 --> 00:17:23,530
Okay, whatever. You know what?
425
00:17:23,555 --> 00:17:25,298
If you think this lame-ass apology
426
00:17:25,323 --> 00:17:27,577
is gonna get me to sign with
you guys, then you're wrong.
427
00:17:27,602 --> 00:17:29,805
Come on, Jade, we've all been
the bad guy in a relationship
428
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:30,842
at some point, right?
429
00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:32,841
I mean, I know I have.
430
00:17:32,866 --> 00:17:34,170
When I was in college,
431
00:17:34,195 --> 00:17:36,029
I cheated on my boyfriend
with my professor.
432
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:37,563
Yeah, well, I gathered a girl posse
433
00:17:37,588 --> 00:17:39,254
to pee in front of your tattoo parlor.
434
00:17:39,279 --> 00:17:41,388
Shut up. That was you?
435
00:17:41,413 --> 00:17:43,250
There was so much pee.
436
00:17:43,275 --> 00:17:46,033
Yeah, well, you're lucky we
stuck to plan number one.
437
00:17:46,058 --> 00:17:49,044
Okay, Jade, listen. Here's the thing.
438
00:17:49,158 --> 00:17:52,289
We will kick ass publishing your book.
439
00:17:52,314 --> 00:17:53,872
Well I'll give you one thing.
440
00:17:53,897 --> 00:17:55,387
I mean, you bitches are pretty desperate.
441
00:17:55,412 --> 00:17:57,249
Exactly, would Harper
Collins ever kidnap you
442
00:17:57,274 --> 00:17:58,973
and make your ex-boyfriend apologize?
443
00:17:58,998 --> 00:18:00,569
Huh?
444
00:18:00,594 --> 00:18:03,786
Listen, to you signing with "Millennial."
445
00:18:03,811 --> 00:18:05,545
Yes, let's drink to that.
446
00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:08,865
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
447
00:18:08,890 --> 00:18:11,057
I'll keep you posted.
448
00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:20,001
You owe me so many fire escapes.
449
00:18:25,215 --> 00:18:27,465
Wow, there are so many
amazing authors that are here.
450
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,807
I know, I just saw Joan Didion
at our table hoarding gift bags.
451
00:18:30,832 --> 00:18:32,404
Girls! Ah!
452
00:18:32,429 --> 00:18:34,006
I was hoping I would see you here.
453
00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:36,419
I've got good news. Drum roll...
454
00:18:38,573 --> 00:18:40,110
Jade is accepting your offer!
455
00:18:40,135 --> 00:18:41,583
- What?
- Really?
456
00:18:41,608 --> 00:18:43,928
Yes, of course, there
are still a few details
457
00:18:43,953 --> 00:18:45,286
that we need to work out,
458
00:18:45,311 --> 00:18:47,895
but consider this deal as good as done!
459
00:18:47,945 --> 00:18:49,628
Oh, my God.
460
00:18:49,653 --> 00:18:50,745
Now Jade wants to tweet it
out so the blogs pick it up,
461
00:18:50,770 --> 00:18:52,197
is that cool?
462
00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:54,110
- Of course.
- Oh, my God, we are so excited.
463
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,115
Wonderful. Oh, Jennifer Weiner's here.
464
00:18:57,140 --> 00:18:58,928
Oh, my God.
465
00:18:58,953 --> 00:19:01,146
Oh, my God, she already tweeted about it.
466
00:19:01,171 --> 00:19:02,867
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
467
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,107
Gawker just picked it up.
468
00:19:04,132 --> 00:19:06,588
Wait, why did she attach a pic of Charles?
469
00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:08,210
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
470
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,703
I've been meaning to tell you about it.
471
00:19:09,728 --> 00:19:11,630
- Take it down now.
- I think it's too late.
472
00:19:11,655 --> 00:19:12,798
Rihanna just retweeted it.
473
00:19:12,823 --> 00:19:15,351
Congratulations on
signing your first author.
474
00:19:15,376 --> 00:19:16,536
Redmond just told me the news.
475
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:17,540
Oh, thank you.
476
00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:19,874
I'm assuming you haven't seen the tweet?
477
00:19:19,899 --> 00:19:22,378
- No, what tweet?
- No... nothing, no.
478
00:19:22,403 --> 00:19:23,903
No tweet has been tweeted.
479
00:19:23,928 --> 00:19:25,603
Charles, have you met the
lovely Jennifer Ween-er?
480
00:19:25,627 --> 00:19:27,326
Oh, it's actually Wine-er.
481
00:19:27,351 --> 00:19:28,609
Yes, Ween-er. Ween-is.
482
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:29,770
Wine-er.
483
00:19:29,795 --> 00:19:32,521
Wine-er, like, just like
what's in the glass.
484
00:19:32,842 --> 00:19:34,714
Oh, gee. Jesus.
485
00:19:38,674 --> 00:19:41,282
Jesus.
486
00:19:42,393 --> 00:19:45,691
Hello, and welcome to the 24th Annual
487
00:19:45,716 --> 00:19:47,896
Women in Literature Charity Honors.
488
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:52,567
Today I will be presenting
the prestigious Oprah Award.
489
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,998
Charles, I know I speak for
every woman in this room
490
00:19:56,023 --> 00:19:58,621
when I say, how very, very grateful we are
491
00:19:58,646 --> 00:20:00,786
for your generous endowment.
35842
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