All language subtitles for Threesome s01e04 No Funds.eng

Hey, Timmy.

Double vodka Coke.
I mean, single vodka Coke.

I mean, Coke. Diet Coke.

Sorry, mineral water.

I was reading in the Metro, right?

You know how much it costs
to raise a child in the city?

- Two hundred grand.
- What?

And that's not even dressing them
in really nice clothes.

Thanks, Dave.

Okay, well, can you hurry up
and please get massively promoted.

Well, yeah, or how about DJ Dole Queue
over there gets himself an actual...

What's the word, where you do that thing
and they give you money?

- Oh, prostitution?
- A job.

Boom! To the beat,
to the bass, to the base.

Awesome!
I had them in the palm of my hand.

Yeah, that many punters,
mate, you literally could.

Oi! Mr Man, Mr Suit, Mr Nine-to-Five,

I got wages. Oh, yeah. 25 quid.

- Oh, congratulations, honey.
- Thanks.

- And they are one cool set of cans.
- Ah.

I got them in the sale, 50 quid.

So minus the 25 quid
from the gig tonight,

that gives us a cool 25 quid profit.

No, no, honey, honey,
you're 25 quid down, not up.

- Dave?
- Yeah.

So, uh, all we got to do now
is raise ?200,000.

And 25 quid.

So tell me, Mr Ennis,

why did you decide
to seek work in administration?

Well, um, it speaks for itself,
don't it?

Administration is just
another word for fun.

Do you have any previous experience?

Yes, I was recently employed
at a sperm bank.

In which position?

Sort of a bit like...

At the coal face.

So, anything else that...

Yes, I was a
customer service liaisons operator.

- That's good.
- Hmm-mmm.

- Where was this?
- On a hotdog van.

- Anything else?
- Yes.

Then a senior marketing
and communications officer.

- And this was...
- Also on the hotdog van, yes.

And it... it says here,

it says here that you...
you speak fluent Urdu?

Yes, yes, it does say that.

On reflection,
that may be a bit of a lie.

So, apparently I don't have
what it takes to push pens around

and not answer the phones properly.

Oh, honey.

Why don't we get you home
and I'll cheer it up, eh?

Will you make me one
of your special omelettes?

Yeah, of course I will.

Hey, do you remember the first time
I made you those omelettes?

We were staying in that chalet.

The horse with the three legs
and the double rainbow.

I don't think I've ever been
so happy in my life.

- Alice?
- Alice.

So sorry.

It's just my hormones.

I'm all over the place with my emotions
and my body temperature.

Either that or it's incredibly hot
and sad out here.

I'll get the milk and the eggs.
Do you have any money?

- Do you have any money?
- Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Here, you go on. Okay?

Mate, you know what I'm going to say.

- You've got to get yourself a job.
- I know, I know.

You haven't even got her
a proper engagement ring.

A ring pull. Come on.

I've seen a ring I like
but it's 500 quid.

I haven't got that sort of money.

And...

Look at those pigeons shagging.

- Let's go this way.
- What?

- Richie?
- Huh?

- Ben? Ben!
- Oh, my God.

- Fancy seeing you.
- Ben!

- How are you?
- I'm good. God, you haven't changed.

Well, you... Bloody hell, you neither.

Uh, Ben. Hi. You are?

- Mitch, great to meet you.
- You too.

- Are you, uh, you well?
- I'm good, I'm good. You?

Good, yeah, yeah.

I'm sensing, um, ex?

Yeah, yeah, sort of.

Now, Richie, always did like
a handsome, handsome fellow.

- Is that right?
- Mmm, yeah.

Smart suit, check.

Jawline you could cut glass on, check.

Athletic physique, check.

So, what's the back story?

Uh...

Well, uh, Ben's Alice's ex.

Yes.

- Ben?
- Hello, gorgeous.

Oh, my God, Ben. What?

- How are you?
- I'm good.

So weird seeing you.
I mean, when did you get back to the UK?

A few months ago.
I just missed Britain, you know.

Proper tea, terrible coffee,
wonky teeth.

What were you doing out there?

Uh, finance stuff, boring.

Just a load of cock-waving over
who's got the quickest Ferrari.

So, we got engaged, me and Alice.

Wow.

- The party girl.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- Yes, it is.

Yes, we are. I mean, yes.

Pretty glitzy affair.

Oh, well, let's see the ring.

I say "glitzy"...

- So, what are you doing around here?
- Hmm.

Well, I am looking into
this restaurant in town tomorrow.

Maybe investing.

You guys should come for lunch,
or dinner or after lunch, whatevs.

Oh, we'd love to. But we can't
because we're having our 12-week scan.

Oh, didn't we mention,
Alice is having a baby.

Wow, wow.

- Congratulations again.
- Thank you.

Lucky man.

So, Alice is having your baby?

The details aren't important.

- Well, cheers.
- Cheers.

Good to see you.

He was just so handsome.

I think... I think that's what one
really remembers about Ben.

- How handsome he is.
- Oh, Mitch.

I think his handsomeness
was my favourite thing about him.

Oh, no, no, no. It was his charm.

Yeah, that was my favourite thing.

Or was it his money?
But that's the thing about Ben,

there is so much to choose from.

Honey, please stop.

You've got absolutely nothing
to feel jealous about.

Alice is right. She dumped Ben.

And a couple of months later,
she found you.

If anyone should feel insecure,
it's... it's him.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes,
I'm sure he's crippled with self-doubt.

I bet he could barely stomach
the golden helicopter ride home.

While he's soaking in his sunken bath
full of diamond shekels,

as he gently washes his enormous...

It is enormous, isn't it?

Of course it is.

Have you ever thought
you might like him?

I mean, there is such a thing
as a platonic ex, you know.

No, there isn't.
It's a contradiction in terms.

Like, "Northampton nightlife"
or "Sports Personality of the Year".

Okay, honey,
I'm going to go for a shower now, okay.

You did book the boiler man, didn't you?

Yes, that's what I did.
I booked the boiler man.

- I didn't book the boiler man.
- Mate, it's all right. Calm down.

No, it's not all right.
It's a massive breach of trust.

- Why?
- Because that's what she called it.

I forgot to order the breast pump.

- I forgot to book the baby scan.
- Mate...

I forgot to email that round-robin
pregnancy update thing

to all her fascinated friends.

Alice was very clear.
I'm on my final warning.

God help me!

Mate, mate.
Do you have any idea what you're doing?

Yes, saving my relationship.

Saving...
What do you know about boilers?

This. This thing.

With the clock face, the dial,

the hands, the little hand, the big pan,

they need to cover up the blackness.
It's too low.

So, you know,

I need a thing for the thing,
you know, the thingy.

- What thing? What sort of thingy?
- Thing! The thing.

- What thing?
- I need a thing. I need a wotsit.

A crisp?

No, I need a... a spanner.

- Well, where from?
- From the spanner drawer.

Span... We don't have a spanner drawer!

What are you talking about,
spanner drawer?

Give me something spannery.
Something spannery.

Oh.

- Here.
- Come on. Thank you.

- Wedge it in.
- Get me something metal.

Get me something metal, please? Please?

- A spoon?
- Yeah.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Okay, okay, I'm going to try it now
go and see what the tap is saying.

Go see what the tap is saying. Okay,
I'm trying it now. What does it say?

- What does it say?
- Oh.

- Oh, it's warm.
- It's warm, it's warm.

It's a bit...
Oh, God, it's a bit, sort of, brown.

Jesus.

Oh, what's the tap saying now?

Uh, it's cold.

Cold?

Why is there no hot water?

And very brown.

Oh, God, there's shit
coming out of the shower.

Oh, my God. I'm showering in shit!

- Get in the car.
- We don't have a car.

Get in the car.

God, it's like slugs
are in my sinuses.

Mitch, have you seen my red tie?

Oh, I'm so bunged up.

My red tie, my favourite one you got me
that Alice chose and paid for.

I think I saw it when I did the washing.

You can't wash it, it's silk.

Right. I'll remember that.

Thank God the water's back and clean.

Yeah, sorry about that, princess.
I don't know what happened there.

It's not your fault
if you booked the man

who doesn't do the job properly.

Yeah, that's what happened.

Yeah, the man didn't
do his job properly.

- How did you fix it?
- The holistic method.

I kept stroking it and saying,
"Please, God, please."

Hey, honey, don't forget
the scan at lunch today.

- One o'clock, yeah?
- Not in a million years.

Uh, joke of the day...

How many priests does it take
to change a light bulb?

I don't know. How many?

Nun.

All right. I've got to go.
Listen, you feel better, okay?

- Better.
- All right, all right.

- Cheerio. I'll see you at the hospital.
- All right.

- You look like a little nun.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Shall I get him another tie?
- Yes, please.

Okay. But you owe me sex for this.

And I'm talking minutes.

- Feel better.
- I will, goodbye.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Shit!

Well, I spoke to your colleague.
I said, "There's no hot water.

"The pilot light's not on,

"and, you know,
it all sort of just went boom!"

Can you smell any gas, sir?

No, no, I can't smell anything.
I am so bunged up.

And to be honest with you, I feel
quite poorly. I think it might be...

I need to confirm
you don't have a gas Leak.

Is there someone who can
smell for gas on your behalf?

- No! No!
- Uh...

A neighbour?

No, they all hate us.

Then I'll have to send
an emergency engineer round.

No, you can't do that.

I've got to be at the hospital!
I can't be here.

Right then, we'll have to force entry.

Unless you can get someone else
to smell for gas on your behalf.

God, all right.

I'm gonna get someone.
Gonna get someone!

Oh, please, could you come in
and sniff my flat? Could you sniff it?

Oh, hello. Please could you just come in
and sniff my flat for me, please? Oh.

Oh, madam, please, could you come in
and sniff my flat? Please?

Oh, God. It's nothing sexual.
I just need someone to sniff my flat.

Please. Sniff it!

Please sniff it.

Why won't anyone sniff my flat?

Turn on your phone.

Richie, I'm trapped in the flat.
The flat might explode.

There's a man coming round,
I might not make it to the hospital,

and I'm totally freaking out.
Tell Alice I love her.

- Maybe he saw a pigeon gang bang.
- What?

No, he'll be here.

Come on, it's Mitch,
he wouldn't let us down.

Now, you see, whoever you had round,

has only tightened that valve so tight,
they've stripped the thread off.

And that's why
you need to go to Gas Safe.

It's your only guarantee of quality.

Oh, that's terrible.
If you could maybe work a bit faster.

Are you denigrating
the quality of Gas Safe?

- Oh, God, no. No, sorry.
- Hmm.

Yeah, well, I can patch it up.

But basically it's broke.

What's the name on the invoice?

Uh, Richard Valentine.

And they also said you could do a thing
where you detect for a gas leak.

- You're safe.
- Oh, all right.

Look I've got to go.

- You let yourself out, mate.
- All right, mate.

Alice, I don't think
he's going to make it.

No, he will. I know he will.

Richie, I don't want to look,
not till Mitch is here.

Alice, come on.
It's time to meet our child.

No, no. No, I don't want to. Not yet.

It's okay.

- Are you looking?
- Yeah.

What does it look like?

- I'll be honest with you.
- Yeah.

Quite a lot like
Casper, The Friendly Ghost.

What? That is ridiculously cute.

Does it have your eyes?

It doesn't have any eyes yet, Alice.

It doesn't have any eyes yet.

Alice, come on.

Look, this is the moment, look.

Oh, Richie,
I just want Mitch to be here.

I know.

It's our baby.

- Alice?
- Oh, they've just left.

Uh, Alice, I tried to get there
but the boiler, it was...

The boiler? The boiler that you said
you'd fix last week,

that Richie now has to pay for
because you still don't have a job.

I'll leave you two alone.

I really wanted you to be there.

We'll never get that moment back.

I just feel so sad.

I don't think it's the hormones.

Alice, can we talk about you and Mitch?

Alice, come on, speak.
And don't tell me it's the bloody

avoidance hormones.

You know Mitch
is a wonderful, wonderful man.

Wonderful's great.

- But we're going to be parents, Richie.
- Yeah.

And that's why you've got me.

Look, us three combined
equals one normal, functioning adult.

Add all our mental ages together,
we're easily in double figures.

Being organised and cashed up
isn't everything.

Two hundred grand.
That's the price of our future.

Yeah. And we'll find the money.

Look, from the moment you first
fell for him, you said it, "Because he makes me laugh."

Now be honest, the one thing
he's never stopped being is funny.

Funny's good. Funny's great.
Funny's hilarious.

Try making a hungry baby laugh.

Hey, let's all go out tonight, hmm?

Have a bit of us time.

Um, I can't. Ben's taking me out.

That restaurant he was on about.

Alice, you're sure this isn't a bit...

What, Richie? I've just been having
really, really powerful food cravings.

Just been craving
a really expensive dinner in town.

- So this is actual caviar?
- Actual caviar.

So this little jar was...

Uh, Ben if I don't eat it,
can I just have the money?

- Kidding.
- You should put it on a blini.

Yes, I will put my caviar on a blini,

because I take my lobster on toast.

So, what do you think?

You like this stuff?

No, but if I order it,
they know I'm important.

Oh, Ben, you just...
You got a little bit.

Well, I can tell
you're not Greek or Irish.

That's about 15 quid
you just lost there.

Mitch.

- What?
- Why have you locked the door?

I'm doing something for Alice.

- Well, I want to make a sandwich.
- Well, you can't.

Hey, I'm starving.

- Well, go out and get one.
- Let me in.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

See, I'm eating for two now
and the baby is loving this.

So, Ben, tell me what's it like being
a multi-millionaire success story?

It's great, perfect. You'd love it.

Hmm, well, memo to self.
Must remember to be rich one day.

It's just always slipping my mind.

Well, it could've been us, but...

Why did you split up with me?

How's your wine?

Fantastic. Sip?

Oh, no, I really... I really shouldn't.

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

It's funny, because I've normally
been so good about not giving in.

I mean, normally I only really,
really want to drink when I'm bored.

Ben, tell me a joke.

Uh, I don't know any jokes.

- Come on, everybody knows one.
- I never remember them.

Well, it's easy. Okay.

How many priests does it take
to change a light bulb?

Nun.

Right, why none?

No, no. Nun. N-U-N.

Oh, yes.
That's very funny.

Because she's a lady monk.

Like I said, I'm not
very good with jokes.

So, anyway, I have got this
amazing house in the south of France.

You guys should all come out.

You know, we'll go and mess around
on the jet ski,

or take a carriage ride
up to the castle.

At night, they light it with torches
in the driveway.

It is out of some fairy tale.
Absolutely...

- Hey.
- Hi.

Look, I know I screwed up
and I'm really sorry,

but I've got something to show you.

- All right, close your eyes.
- Okay.

Close 'em.

- What's going on?
- Well, you've got to trust me, okay?

- Okay, okay?
- Yeah, this is kind of scary.

- Keep them closed, keep them closed.
- I promise they're closed.

- Okay, okay?
- Yeah.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa. Wait there, wait there.

- Okay?
- Okay, yeah.

They're closed? Okay.

Open.

Brand spanking new.

Will you do the honours?

I will.

Happy hormones. Thank you, honey.

I knew they were in there somewhere.

- You deserve it.
- Thank you.

- Will we go and have a shower?
- Yes, please.

Okay, come on.

So, Mr Ennis, you don't know how to cook
or prepare Indian/Pakistani food?

No.

And you have
no previous serving experience?

No.

And in your own words,

"I do not want
to be on my feet all day."

No.

Hmm...

Um, so, Mr Ennis,
may I ask you a question?

What exactly do you think qualifies
you to work in this restaurant?

- I speak fluent Urdu.
- Really?

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