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1
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Ripped By mstoll
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Tom. She's ovulating.
3
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So, go and do it.
4
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Right.
5
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- You can use my room, if you're quick.
- Are you going to be quick?
6
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- I'll time it, if you want.
Oh! Yeah, time it.
7
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Interesting.
8
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Starting now.
9
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Yeah.
10
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- How long do you think it will take?
- It takes me about an hour.
11
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- Why?
- 58 minutes of that is masturbating.
12
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Eight minutes.
13
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That can't have been much fun for Hannah.
14
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It was fine.
15
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It's fun, innit?
Even if it's short, it's still fun.
16
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Yes, it is, Derek.
17
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Why are you talking funny?
Does sex make you talk funny?
18
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- Vicky?
- Yeah?
19
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- Tweet that. Sex makes you talks funny.
- Don't tweet that.
20
00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:28,451
Tell you what, if it's as good as I'm
imagining, you had a whale of a time, boy.
21
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What are you imagining?
- Him doing her from behind.
22
00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:39,972
There aren't any secrets, are there?
Everything's out there.
23
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- Yes, we're trying for a baby, yeah.
24
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So... but it's a gamble.
25
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See?
26
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:53,056
What do you mean?
What do you mean, it's a gamble?
27
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We don't... We don't know, do we?
We don't know if we're fertile.
28
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Of course we're fertile.
We're... Course we are.
29
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Well, you don't know, do you? I've
never... I've never been pregnant before.
30
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You said you'd never got anyone pregnant.
31
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Because I've always worn a...
32
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Yeah, I know, but you don't know, do you?
It's always a gamble to know.
33
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,853
No. I mean, I know. You...
34
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- I mean, they're... healthy...
- All right.
35
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...heavy, you know, they've been to...
- All right.
36
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I'm not having a go at your manhood.
I'm just saying.
37
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- They've been to sea.
- Right.
38
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- They're amazing.
- OK, well, it's intimidating.
39
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:27,092
- Right. Oh, well, I hope I can step up.
- Er... it printed out.
40
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- What's printed out? What's that?
- My own copy of your ovulation chart.
41
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- What?
- What?
42
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So I don't have to keep coming in here
and ticking it.
43
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What are those ticks?
44
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That's when you had sex.
45
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I plonked it on here.
It's just an experiment.
46
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- It's interesting, innit?
- Derek,
47
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can I have that chart back? Come on.
48
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:43,976
I'm just... It also shows
how long it takes you each time.
49
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Why did that one take longer?
11 minutes, that one.
50
00:03:02,780 --> 00:03:04,532
He's frustrated, cos Dougie's off today.
51
00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:08,095
Yeah. He's taking his holiday leave
as part of his notice.
52
00:03:08,140 --> 00:03:10,700
He's moving to Manchester so we ain't
got anywhere to live, me and Kev,
53
00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:15,131
but, right, Jack's grandson
is letting us have an old caravan
54
00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:18,650
so we can live in that
in the car park, innit?
55
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,975
Yeah. That's, erm, that's been going on.
56
00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:24,854
We, er, we are going to be
interviewing for a new caretaker.
57
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,733
And, erm... Geoff's been
helping out in the meantime,
58
00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:30,817
but we, er...
we are going to be interviewing.
59
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Linda Garvey's going to come down
and give me a hand with the interviews.
60
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:35,259
I'm going to go for the job.
61
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:38,690
Yeah. I said Kev could go for the job,
if he cleans his act up.
62
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:42,449
Yeah. Actually,
question regarding that topic.
63
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If I do clean my act up, you know, do
all the washing bullshit, stop the booze,
64
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and it doesn't work out
between you and Tom,
65
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would you go out with me?
66
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:53,569
No.
67
00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,817
Well, actually, I should
explain that by "go out with",
68
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you know, I mean sexual intercourse,
no strings attached.
69
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:02,095
Yeah? Now answer.
70
00:04:02,140 --> 00:04:03,129
No.
71
00:04:03,180 --> 00:04:04,613
Reasons, please?
72
00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:05,854
Well...
73
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...I think that you would be better suited
to going out with a woman
74
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that hasn't seen you suck Special Brew
that's been spilt on the carpet,
75
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:18,853
or seen you naked in bed with an old lady
or shit yourself in a meeting.
76
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:21,255
OK. So, that's a no to full-on sex.
77
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,619
- But...
- No.
78
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:24,378
- No, hold on, hold on.
- Well, it'll be no.
79
00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:26,456
There's lots of other stuff we can do.
80
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- Hand jobs?
- No.
81
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- Gob job?
- No.
82
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:30,096
- Foot job?
- No.
83
00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:33,098
- Would you be interested in a boobathon?
- What is that?
84
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I don't know. It's me bashing those things
around for God knows how long.
85
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:37,569
No.
86
00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:40,009
I suppose, er...
that doesn't change the deal?
87
00:04:40,060 --> 00:04:41,015
In what way?
88
00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:43,972
Well, that's been places
Bear Grylls hasn't been, love.
89
00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:46,614
Oh! Kev. Where was the last place
it went? Up a U-bend?
90
00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:49,413
Oh, that's funny. Have a go at a bloke
with gum disease, why don't you?
91
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:51,815
Well, you wouldn't have a gum disease
if you brushed your teeth.
92
00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:54,499
Oh, really? Simple as that, is it?
93
00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:55,973
- Yes.
- Is it?
94
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Yes. Brush your teeth twice a day
and floss after meals.
95
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Fuckin' floss? What am I, a batty boy now?
96
00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:04,735
Just sort your act out, Kev.
97
00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:07,089
Go to an AA meeting
and say that you want to be there.
98
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I don't, particularly.
99
00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:10,532
Yeah, well, that's how it works.
You have to say you want to be there,
100
00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:12,457
that you got there off your own steam.
101
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- And... and smarten yourself up.
- He will. He will.
102
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We'II... we'II... yeah,
we'll go to a AA meeting,
103
00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:19,291
he'll stop drinking,
and we'll clean him up.
104
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- Oh! We'll get him a tie.
- It'll need more than a tie.
105
00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:22,855
No, but that's what it says
on Dragons' Den.
106
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They says, "You turned up without a tie,
107
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:24,929
"you haven't got...
you haven't got the job, but..."
108
00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:28,655
Yeah, but a tie is a fight in a hurricane,
when it comes to Kevin.
109
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:31,260
Yeah, but if he's smart and he's sober,
and then he's the best man for the job,
110
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,938
- he'll get the job, won't he?
- Well, we'll see.
111
00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:33,969
Yeah, but if he's the best man for
the job, he'll get the job, won't he?
112
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:35,135
We'll see.
113
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:36,408
Yeah, you get the job
if you're the best man for the...
114
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:38,098
- Derek! Ha-ha! We'll see.
- Yeah, we'll see.
115
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:39,129
Come on, then. Let's clean you up
116
00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:40,215
- and then you'll get the job.
- Yeah.
117
00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:42,490
Come on. Yeah, excellent.
118
00:05:42,540 --> 00:05:43,814
What is that smell?
119
00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:47,130
It's a bloody farce, in't it?
120
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:50,978
I'm already doing the job,
but, apparently, I've got to apply.
121
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:55,889
You've already got a young,
capable, British man here.
122
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:58,500
Apparently, that's not good enough.
123
00:05:58,540 --> 00:06:01,737
It's all this PC nonsense, in't it?
It's all EU bollocks.
124
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:04,978
- This is silly.
- Why?
125
00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:07,375
Well, if I'm going to be a caretaker,
I'll be covered in grime anyway.
126
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:11,936
I'm going for the job here.
Gonna go to AA as well.
127
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:16,974
Feels nice. For the first time
in my life, I'm... l'm trying.
128
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:18,976
I'm wearing a dead bloke's tie.
129
00:06:19,020 --> 00:06:22,695
But, er... hopefully it'll bring me
a bit of luck. Didn't bring him luck.
130
00:06:22,740 --> 00:06:25,493
Thank you, babe. Nice work.
131
00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:27,610
- Yeah.
- Fucking hell.
132
00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:33,257
It's nice, having everyone around me
sort of sorting me out, dressing me up,
133
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,052
- doing my hair.
- Careful!
134
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,419
Comb his moustache.
135
00:06:36,460 --> 00:06:38,416
- I feel quite confident.
- Yeah.
136
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:40,018
Yeah.
137
00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:41,732
- Hiya.
- You all right?
138
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:43,896
Er, I've dumped the caravan
in the car park. Is that all right?
139
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:46,454
- Oh. OK, great.
- Good, all right. See you.
140
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:49,333
- D'you want to say hello to your grandad?
- Well, yeah, all right.
141
00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:51,610
- Is the caravan here?
- Yeah.
142
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:56,495
Excellent. Kev, caravan's here. I'm
moving in. Shall I pack? Shall we pack?
143
00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:58,815
I've packed, mate.
It's all in a bin bag by the bog.
144
00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:03,739
Grandad.
145
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:06,852
Oh, a grandfather-and-grandson
relationship is wonderful.
146
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,970
You don't have the discipline element.
147
00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:11,614
So, we used to go off
on expeditions together.
148
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,298
I mean, to start with,
it's children's playgrounds.
149
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,171
You know, swings and roundabouts.
150
00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:20,374
But then we went on a caravanning holiday,
and the river ran through the site.
151
00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:23,730
So, I took my, um... my fishing rod,
and we sat on the bank,
152
00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:26,135
and I showed him how to do a...
a cast, you know,
153
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:29,729
so the fly landed very delicately
in the right place.
154
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:32,817
It's actually... it's quite a difficult
skill so I thought he'd give up.
155
00:07:32,860 --> 00:07:37,217
But he stayed hours there,
really focusing on this, you know.
156
00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:42,618
Of course, all this is a long time ago.
I mean, he hasn't got time.
157
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:47,290
I don't see him very much any more
because he's got a very important job.
158
00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:51,492
Wow.
159
00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:54,897
There she is.
160
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,050
- Wow.
- That is brilliant.
161
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,089
We can live in it for ever.
162
00:07:59,140 --> 00:08:00,414
Why would you want to live in there?
163
00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:02,894
- Cos it's excellent.
- Well, you can have it.
164
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,817
It's a bit small
for two people to live in, innit?
165
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:07,852
- Well, it's going to be pretty cosy.
- We likes that, don't we, Kev?
166
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,652
Like a nest.
167
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:16,179
Oh! It's brilliant. Look, sink. Cooker.
168
00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:18,575
- Shower. Mirror.
- Yeah.
169
00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:22,818
Look, two beds, cupboards.
Ah, pickled onions!
170
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:25,613
Get out of the way, mate.
I'm having this one.
171
00:08:25,660 --> 00:08:28,618
- Can I have them?
- Yeah. They're about two years old.
172
00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:31,777
Oh! Even more pickled.
Excellent. Testing the bed?
173
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:34,050
- Yeah, mate.
- Yeah, brilliant.
174
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,333
- Comfy.
- Let's get you in position.
175
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:45,535
Sh.
176
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:50,338
It's all right.
Here, babe. Up you get.
177
00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:53,452
What you been doing? Huh?
178
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,458
- You're always eating blancmange.
179
00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:02,816
No, I'm not enjoying it.
180
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,055
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
181
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:08,217
Uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
182
00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:12,299
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Whoo.
183
00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:15,855
Do you mind if...
mind if your sister joins us?
184
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,172
Yeah, come in. Let's have some fun.
185
00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:23,457
They flips over
cos they're round, don't they?
186
00:09:35,780 --> 00:09:37,736
Are you just eating them by themselves?
187
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:39,133
- Yeah.
- You'll get indigestion.
188
00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:41,774
- I have some Tums.
- He loves Tums.
189
00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:43,253
- I love Tums, don't I?
- Yeah.
190
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,052
I eats as many pickled onions as I likes,
191
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,089
then if I get indigestion,
192
00:09:46,140 --> 00:09:47,619
I just have some Tums.
Oh! Sometimes,
193
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,696
right,
when I haven't even had pickled onions,
194
00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:50,729
and I haven't got indigestion,
195
00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:52,179
I just eats Tums, don't I,
cos I likes them?
196
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:53,448
He loves Tums.
- I love Tums.
197
00:09:53,500 --> 00:10:01,578
Anyway, I work for, arguably, one of
the best banking groups in the world.
198
00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:10,616
- Is that a good job?
- Just a bit, yeah.
199
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:15,979
- What do you do?
- Wow, très difficile to explain yon.
200
00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:19,569
Erm... I manage very rich people's money.
201
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:21,649
Why?
202
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,214
Er... so that they can turn it
into even more money.
203
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,609
What? What?
I thought you said they was rich.
204
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:28,888
Well, they want to be richer.
205
00:10:28,940 --> 00:10:31,693
- Why?
- So that they have even more money.
206
00:10:31,740 --> 00:10:34,698
But why don't you help poor people
get more money?
207
00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:37,698
Well, they haven't got enough money
to do anything with in the first place.
208
00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:38,855
Exactly.
209
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:42,290
- Don't you want more money?
- I ain't got any money.
210
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:44,900
Exactly. So, you know,
if you got a better job...
211
00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:46,089
What's a better job than this?
212
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:54,172
OK, right, let's say you get a job
that pays you lots of money.
213
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,814
Then, you can buy more things,
you can get a better house, a better car,
214
00:10:56,860 --> 00:11:00,375
then you'd be important, and you'd
probably get an even better job.
215
00:11:00,420 --> 00:11:03,298
- Why?
- Well, so that you make more money.
216
00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:04,329
Why?
217
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:06,177
So you make enough money
218
00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:08,176
- that you could retire early.
- Why?
219
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:11,337
So you could do exactly
what you wanted all day, every day.
220
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,371
That's what I does now.
221
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:15,172
- That's what he does now, mate.
- Innit?
222
00:11:23,020 --> 00:11:25,488
We spent a lot of time together
when he was young.
223
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:30,216
It was a real privilege having
such a sweet little guy around.
224
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:33,696
He was hanging on my every word.
He even laughed at my jokes.
225
00:11:33,740 --> 00:11:38,450
He probably didn't find them funny, but he
laughed anyway, because I was his grandad.
226
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,695
I still am.
227
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:43,937
- Do you feel funny?
- Yeah, I've got an onion headache.
228
00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:45,459
That's happened to me before.
229
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,172
How do you live without money?
230
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:49,973
Same as you lives with money,
but with a lot less money.
231
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,976
What if you want something?
232
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,534
I wants to talk to these people,
and that's free.
233
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:55,729
- You want to talk to this lot?!
- Yeah.
234
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,611
Say you know everything about them,
then what?
235
00:11:57,660 --> 00:12:01,335
No, cos next time you talk to them,
they've learnt summat new.
236
00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:03,177
Or, cos they've lived such a long time,
237
00:12:03,220 --> 00:12:05,017
they've got so many stories,
they never runs out.
238
00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:08,609
And... and I don't mind even hearing
a story twice, cos it's so interesting.
239
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:11,458
Your grandad's interesting.
He's got loads of stories. He's brilliant.
240
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,058
Yeah, but he can't hear what you say back.
241
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,499
Just listen, then.
242
00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:19,056
Well, will you teach me to make them
pretend dragonflies, what fools a fish?
243
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:21,489
- I don't know how.
- Yeah, you do.
244
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:24,498
You used to do it when you was little.
You used to make brilliant dragonflies.
245
00:12:24,540 --> 00:12:25,575
I don't remember.
246
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:28,134
- Why not?
- It's not important.
247
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:30,935
Your grandad remembers.
248
00:12:35,060 --> 00:12:38,132
Why don't the fish know?
Why don't the fish know?
249
00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:39,169
Cos they just sees it on the water
250
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:40,539
and they just thinks,
"That looks like a dragonfly."
251
00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,811
What do you make it out of? Is it cotton?
252
00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:46,772
Why do they eat dragonflies?
Do they eat all flies?
253
00:12:46,820 --> 00:12:47,935
Can you make a pretend worm?
254
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,619
They uses real worms
but pretend dragonflies. Why?
255
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:53,333
Is it... is it cos a fish
can tell a fake worm
256
00:12:53,380 --> 00:12:56,895
but he doesn't know what a...
what a real dragonfly looks like?
257
00:12:56,940 --> 00:13:01,730
... the star master of celebs,
the big square himself, Bob Monkhousel
258
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:02,929
Don't you ever wish for anything?
259
00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:07,770
Erm, I just wishes
everyone is safe and healthy.
260
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,937
If you've got your friends and family
around you, that's everything.
261
00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:14,609
They're the most important things in the
world, and when they're gone, that's it.
262
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,571
You'll never see 'em again.
263
00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:18,770
Challenge TV. D'you know it?
264
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:22,495
It's all the old quiz shows,
just over and over again.
265
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,896
Which is brilliant, cos we don't remember
the answers from the first time round.
266
00:13:25,940 --> 00:13:29,171
I likes them all. This is my favourite,
Celebrity Squares.
267
00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:33,099
... on this happy season of Bob
and the big box game, we play the game...
268
00:13:33,140 --> 00:13:35,096
You've got to remember
the samba and the conga,
269
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:38,052
the paso doble and the cha-cha-cha
and the mazurka...
270
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,489
Oh, if only we knew back then
what we know now, Derek.
271
00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:41,689
What?
272
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:44,573
That whole diagonal line.
273
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:46,053
Kiddie fiddlers.
274
00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:48,455
- Are any of them still alive?
- Yeah.
275
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,253
The one with the puppet's
still prowling about.
276
00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:54,091
I'm very pleased
and very happy and I...
277
00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:08,813
I loves old people.
278
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:12,296
I think I've learned
everything I knows off old people.
279
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,456
They're wise.
280
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:20,134
Some people think
they've got nothing to say,
281
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:22,774
cos they just sits there,
and they're quiet.
282
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:25,529
But they only sits there and they're quiet
283
00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:29,778
cos people thinks they got nothing to say
so they don't talk to 'em.
284
00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:35,133
But if you takes the time to talk to 'em,
and ask them things, they tells you stuff.
285
00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:37,978
- It's brilliant.
286
00:14:38,020 --> 00:14:40,215
Just a kind word.
287
00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:43,535
They realises you've noticed 'em.
288
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:47,293
Or even just a smile.
289
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,774
They lights up.
290
00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:53,010
It makes their day,
and that makes me happy.
291
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:56,735
Ohl That's the amazing thing about
kindness. It makes you feel good.
292
00:14:56,780 --> 00:14:59,453
Whether you're the one handing it out,
or the one receiving it.
293
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,537
Yeah. That's what I thinks, anyway.
294
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,534
I hope
you're keeping your testicles cool.
295
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,716
It helps with fertility.
296
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,638
You keep 'em cool, and you have
balls full of healthy semen.
297
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,148
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Annie.
298
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,191
Always willing to help.
299
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,434
- All right.
- You remember that.
300
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,469
I'm never going to forget that.
301
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,590
And don't wear tight underpants,
cos it keeps them...
302
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,312
- OK!
...all hot and scrunched up.
303
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,918
- I get it, I get it, I get it.
- Yeah.
304
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,393
Yes, thank you.
305
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,395
Not long now. He's going full pelt.
306
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,556
Yeah.
307
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,353
There we go. Right on cue.
308
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,389
Excellent.
309
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,874
They've just done it again.
310
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,309
That could be the one
that gets the baby, couldn't it?
311
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,351
Never know.
312
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,634
Probably the worst place
in the world to try and conceive a child.
313
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,310
Everybody knows what you're doing.
314
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,831
Just got to get it done. Got to get in,
get it done, get back to work.
315
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,233
Romantic
316
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:21,190
Kev's just been to his first AA meeting,
innit? So, he's not alcoholic any more.
317
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,992
- Derek.
- What?
318
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,636
Once an alcoholic, always
an alcoholic. But I'm in recovery.
319
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,199
- What was it like?
Awful.
320
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,119
A load of losers at their lowest ebb.
I did not fit in.
321
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,469
It's a 12-step programme,
322
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:42,310
which involves keeping a diary,
helping people,
323
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,635
and apologising
for any little wrongdoings,
324
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:49,151
and, if you don't mind, I'd like to
start off with this little lady here.
325
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,590
Hannah, I apologise.
326
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,039
What for?
327
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,958
For many years, I've been having
carnal thoughts about you,
328
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,879
which have increased in depravity
over the last six months,
329
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,512
and I am deeply, deeply sorry.
330
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:04,709
I don't want to know.
331
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,159
Well, you have to. It's for my health.
332
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,512
Would you like to hear the fantasy?
333
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,279
- No.
- You got to. It's for his health.
334
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,639
Thank you, Derek.
335
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,316
Let me set the scene.
336
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,396
It's your office, it's late at night,
337
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,192
you're at your desk
and you're doing admin.
338
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,471
I appear at the door in my little briefs.
339
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,391
I'm rock-hard and ready for action,
340
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,715
and it's twitching away
like a meerkat on guard.
341
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:35,153
You look up, you take in my member,
and you look down again.
342
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,873
I wipe my feet,
I move over to the desk, I lean in
343
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,992
and attempt to take that tabard off.
344
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:44,510
You pull back, twist round,
and continue with admin.
345
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,317
What? So, even...
even in your dream, I still would...
346
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,634
- Reject me, yeah.
- Reject you, yeah.
347
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,079
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
348
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,112
I then make my way behind the wardrobe,
349
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,709
and, in the saddest way possible,
I finish myself off.
350
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,751
I haven't got a wardrobe in my office.
351
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,631
It's a fantasy.
352
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:06,908
It's a fantasy.
Yeah.
353
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,918
Oh, um... Sheila?
354
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,793
- Yes?
- Sorry.
355
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,278
That was pretty grim.
356
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,471
Involved a respirator. I sat on her.
357
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:31,109
Um... we're doing interviews today,
for the caretaker's job,
358
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,720
so, erm... make a start, shall we?
359
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,990
Yeah.
360
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,475
- Hello. Would you like to come through?
Yeah, OK.
361
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,398
- All right?
362
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,908
Hiya. OK.
363
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,270
So, why do you want this job?
364
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,470
Well, everyone's gotta have a job,
ain't they?
365
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:57,839
Yeah.
366
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,997
And, erm... why...
why did you leave your last job?
367
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,669
Well, I won't bullshit you, sweetheart.
I got the sack for thieving.
368
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,317
OK.
369
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,272
So, why do you want this job?
370
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:18,108
I don't. But they check that I've applied
for shit, or they stop my benefits.
371
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,389
OK. Thank you.
372
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,793
- Hello.
- Hello.
373
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:26,955
So...
374
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:37,629
Shall we go in?
375
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,319
Do you want to come through?
376
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,588
Good luck.
377
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,632
- Any advice?
- Just be yourself.
378
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,154
Worst advice ever.
379
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,797
- Hello.
- Hi.
380
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,229
It's Kevin Twine.
381
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,917
So, where... where are you working
at the moment?
382
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,673
I have to ask everyone the same questions.
383
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,188
Er... I'm between jobs.
384
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,913
Between this job
and a butcher's assistant.
385
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,269
OK. When... when was that?
386
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,914
1990.
387
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,996
- Until?
- 1990.
388
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,951
Didn't work out.
389
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,833
- OK.
- Don't like meat.
390
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,110
And, erm... you got any references?
391
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,912
What are you talking about?
392
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,076
Er... don't worry.
393
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,237
And, erm... what are your strengths?
394
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,316
I... I don't drink.
395
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,549
I haven't had a drink for a couple
of days. I'm not a drinker.
396
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,199
And, erm...
397
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,391
why... why do you want this job?
398
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,515
Cos I like being here.
399
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,111
I like being around you...
400
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,879
...Derek, all the old people.
401
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,036
It makes me feel nice
and I want to give something back.
402
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,992
OK.
403
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,429
Thanks, Kev.
404
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,948
- Shall I go?
OK, then.
405
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,589
See you.
406
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,788
- How did it go?
- Good.
407
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,434
Yeah, I'm con... confident.
408
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:31,799
Last one.
409
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,035
Do you want to come through?
410
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,038
- Good luck, mate.
411
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,230
Challenge TV again. Blankety Blank.
412
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,555
- Probably my favourite. Innit?
- Yeah.
413
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,909
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, good.
414
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,429
Erm... we've picked someone so got
a new caretaker now. That's good.
415
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,596
Just got to, um...
416
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,200
tell the other candidates
that they weren't successful.
417
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,231
Good eveningl
418
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,589
- Kev, can I have a quick word?
- Didn't get it, did I?
419
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,071
No, you didn't.
420
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,634
- But you did really well.
- Don't worry about it.
421
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,157
- OK. Sorry, Kev.
- OK.
422
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:02,749
Derek?
423
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,029
What?
424
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,719
Top right. Nonce.
425
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,433
This is Esther Rantzen's
influence, isn't it?
426
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,950
Well, you've done all right there,
Barry. You've got one.
427
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,110
But we're coming over to you now, Gordon.
428
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,948
Our local fish-and-chip shop
is run by an ex-hairdresser.
429
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,470
He's so forgetful, he doesn't put
salt and vinegar on the chips.
430
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:38,556
He puts blank instead.
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