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1
00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:00,480
The days seem slow
But the years go fast
2
00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:02,160
.
3
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,200
(THEME MUSIC)
4
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,000
The days seem slow
But the years go fast
5
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,520
Could you please pour another drink
In my glass
6
00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,640
I think I need a drink tonight
7
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,800
If only the landlord
Could fix it, right
8
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,920
Why's he looking so reluctant?
9
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,960
Like he doesn't want the custom
10
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,040
Why do you run a pub, then?
11
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,200
I need time away
But I never got that far
12
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:24,640
Best friends with these guys here
Propping up the bar
13
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:27,160
Working for the family I love
But the day's been long
14
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,280
Could you please pour me
Another drink, bruv
15
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:40,040
Could you tell her her husband
called as soon as she comes out of the meeting, please?
16
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,280
She's got my number. I'm her husband.
17
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,600
No, I'm not giving you my number.
Look, this is weird.
18
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,360
It's like you're trying to keep me on
the line so you can trace my call. Goodbye.
19
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:53,480
You never told me you were
getting a dog. Boy? Girl? Name?
20
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,920
We're not. Don't have a name.
Think it's on the collar.
21
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,720
Strider. He's a boy.
Owned by a Lord of the Rings fan.
22
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,560
Who's probably also a virgin.
(PHONE RINGING) That's Natasha.
23
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:05,880
Julie's not here yet.
I'll serve myself, yeah?
24
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,760
Do not serve yourself... Lemon...
(PHONE RINGING)
25
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,800
Natasha, it's here.
26
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,880
Yeah, I gathered that from your
seven texts and three voicemails.
27
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,880
"Plus, your message
at the front desk."
28
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,600
Why did you tell the receptionist
you were tracing a call?
29
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,640
I didn't tell her
I was tracing a call.
30
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,840
I said she was tracing my call.
It doesn't matter.
31
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,000
The dog's here.
What are you going to do about it?
32
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,080
"Aww. What's he like?"
33
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,160
Send us a pic.
He looks like a dog. Google it.
34
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,760
Look, I know you're not up for this
but it's only a couple of days and the kids are so excited.
35
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,360
You're right. It's not your fault
he's turned up early
36
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,400
and that you're not here
to look after him
37
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,920
even though you swore you'd take
responsibility for it.
38
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,960
But let's not get into that now.
I will step up.
39
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,160
Could ya?
Well, that would be amazing.
40
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,600
It's almost like you're my husband
or something.
41
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,680
It probably means I can't come to
your work drinks on Friday. I can't leave the dog on his own.
42
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,600
Your mum's babysitting the kids.
She can look after the dog, too.
43
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,160
Or I could stay at home and work on
some of my tracks?
44
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:04,360
Oh, yeah (!) Cos your album releases
on the 22nd of you wasting your time on this music thing.
45
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,200
OK, I'm going now and
it's opening time. All right. Bye.
46
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,240
Oh, you got a dog.
47
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,640
Yeah, Natasha signed us up for
Borrow My Doggy to see if the kids would like a pet.
48
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,440
Aww, cute!
It's not cute, is it?
49
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:22,160
He doesn't know his owners
have gone on a mini break. He thinks he's been abandoned.
50
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,280
Oh. Nobhead.
51
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,200
Hey, Rob.
You're with the brewery, right?
52
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,240
Er, yes. Most pubs are.
53
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,480
Oh, not me. No. I'm independent.
I've got my own microbrewery.
54
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:37,280
I always think that that means
little, tiny people drinking beer from thimbles.
55
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:41,520
No. No, no. It's to do with
producing low carbon footprint organic alcohol
56
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,600
on an independent label.
57
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,200
No, I know that.
58
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,200
Oh, wow! Is that a French Bulldog.
59
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,200
Interesting thing
about the Frenchie-- What are you after, David?
60
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:57,600
Oh. I have got some red-hot intel
that I think you might be interested in.
61
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,240
Right. And you want me to pay you
for it. Is this what this is about?
62
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,280
No. Just looking out for a mate.
63
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,360
Oh, right. What's his name?
(LAUGHS)
64
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,560
(BOTH LAUGH)
65
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,400
No, no. I've heard a rumour
that one of the breweries
66
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,520
has a mystery shopper
doing the rounds.
67
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,080
So, maybe keep on your toes, yeah?
68
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,120
Well, I was actually born
on my toes, David.
69
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,880
I do everything by the book
so I've got nothing to worry about.
70
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,960
Thanks for nothing, though.
Well, sure. Ciao.
71
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,000
I'll put this on your tab then, mate,
shall I?
72
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,280
(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)
73
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,600
Right, OK. Avengers assemble.
74
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,720
Are we watching a movie?
No, we are the movie.
75
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,480
Ooh! I'm Wonder Woman.
That's Justice League, isn't it?
76
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,960
Get over here.
77
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,920
Right. Listen up.
78
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,320
Dickhead intel suggests immediate
infiltration by the brewery rep, AKA, mystery shopper.
79
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,640
What?
Mystery shopper.
80
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,880
Somebody from the brewery
is posing as a punter.
81
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,400
Yeah, I got that. What's "AKA"?
82
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,440
"Also known as".
83
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,360
Oh, thank God for that. I thought
you meant he has a machine gun.
84
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:06,080
No, he does not have a machine gun.
What he does have is a little portable scanner
85
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,400
that he uses on the bottled beers so
he can tell if we got it from the brewery.
86
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,160
Have you? Of course not.
It's cheaper from the supermarket.
87
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,200
Right. This is how
he's gonna be neutralised.
88
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,600
Once identified by me, Julie's going
to serve him beer from the brewery.
89
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,560
Lemon, you're going to drive him out
by Googling pictures of anal cysts on your phone.
90
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,720
I'm on it.
Lee, you can...
91
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:28,040
I don't know. Tell him your story
about the phasing of traffic lights on Sutton Road.
92
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:32,600
Yeah. They definitely slow them down
at night, which is mad because
93
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,640
there's less traffic, so...
94
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,960
I think I speak for all of the group
when I say not now.
95
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,440
I'm going to ask you the same thing
I used to ask your dad.
96
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,600
Is the amount of money you save
buying beer in the supermarket worth it
97
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,160
when you are under the stress
of being caught and fined?
98
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,240
Er, yep.
If you get caught and fined...
99
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,360
Well, it's just an
occupational hazard.
100
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,400
How often was your dad caught?
101
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,000
Every time.
Yes, but I'm cannier than him.
102
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,040
I've got like a sixth sense.
Know what I mean?
103
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,920
I can just tell.
See right through them, you do.
104
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,360
Are you having a dig at my eye,
or something?
105
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,600
It's not about seeing them, mate.
It's about having your wits about you.
106
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,320
(STRIDER WHINES)
He needs to be taken for a walk.
107
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,640
How do you know that?
He's just projecting.
108
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,440
Dogs need exercise.
Why do people say that?
109
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,880
What if dogs just like lying around
like the rest of us?
110
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,920
I'll do it,
if you do the stock take.
111
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,080
Nah. Sod that. I'll take him.
112
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,320
What are they for?
113
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,360
To pick up the poo.
114
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,000
I'm not doing that. I'm just going to
command him to not shit. Right. Come on, mate.
115
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,040
Do not shit.
116
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,720
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
117
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,880
(MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
118
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,760
(EXCITEDLY) Ooh. Is this Strider?
119
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,080
How is he?
Yeah, he's great.
120
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,120
As you can see,
the kids are ecstatic.
121
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,160
What do you think of the dog, guys?
122
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,200
Cool.
Nice.
123
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,240
Did you walk him this morning?
Yes.
124
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,800
It was miserable. All the other dog
walkers are weirdos.
125
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,120
They all look like murderers
using the dog for cover
126
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,720
while they scope out the park
for burial spots.
127
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,720
And I got fined for him crapping.
And I had to pick up the turd anyway.
128
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,400
Essentially, I paid for the
privilege of picking up his poo.
129
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,760
Mm. And has he been for a walk
this afternoon?
130
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,800
Er, the leash is by the door.
131
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,560
I've got to do the kids' supper.
So I've got to do this again?
132
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,920
I'm in the middle of
finishing a track!
133
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,400
Right, Theresa, Charlie,
do you want to help me walk the dog?
134
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,800
I'd rather watch YouTube.
(BOTH LAUGH)
135
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,320
We're looking at videos
of funny dogs.
136
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,360
Fair enough.
Give them a couple of hours,
137
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,040
I can see how the novelty
would dissipate. Come on, mate.
138
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,800
Come on.
139
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,920
OASIS:
Don't Look Back in Anger
140
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,680
What are you looking for?
141
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:46,720
I am looking for those little
cocktail umbrella things.
142
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,800
The sort of thing we buy
but never use.
143
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,120
What do you want to do with them?
?2.80, please.
144
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,160
Natasha has dodged dog walking again,
145
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,080
so I want to use them to mark the
turds so she can pick them up later.
146
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,160
Are you serious?
147
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,200
Are you serious?
148
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,040
Why are you selling them brewery
beer? They come in all the time.
149
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,560
I'm serving everyone brewery beer
to be on the safe side.
150
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,960
For fuck's sake. I might as well buy
all of it from there in the first place.
151
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,000
Yes! That would be my advice.
152
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:14,080
All right. You can't be trusted.
You're walking the dog.
153
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,120
Fine.
154
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,080
Oi!
What?
155
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,120
You know when I was
winking at you earlier?
156
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,920
That wasn't about your eye.
157
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,960
Don't worry about it, mate.
158
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:31,960
I'm just letting you know
that I know that you know.
159
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,800
Yeah. Whatever, mate.
160
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,000
Oi, Jules.
Mm-hm?
161
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,040
Got them.
Oh, no. I'm good.
162
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,720
You can draw a map, if you want,
or just tag them with your phone.
163
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,920
Or I could pick them up
and put them in the bin.
164
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,120
I'll pick them up for you.
165
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,160
Oh, no. You're good.
166
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,720
Er, Lee, I don't know
what's more disturbing, mate.
167
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,760
The idea that you've got
a crush on Julie,
168
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,840
or the idea that
you enjoy the feeling of warm dog shit in your hands.
169
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,840
It's a sad day when a man
can't even offer to pick up a shit for a woman
170
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,200
without it being seen as a come on.
171
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,120
MAN: Holly!
172
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,360
Holly? Here, girl.
173
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,400
Sorry about her.
he's just being friendly.
174
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,440
Oh! No worries.
175
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,560
Strider looks happy, so...
176
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,000
It's nice to see another owner
out walking their dog.
177
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,040
You get so many professional
dog walkers in this park
178
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,520
walking five or six dogs
on one big lead.
179
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,360
Why have a dog if you can't even
be bothered walking it yourself?
180
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,520
(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)
Exactly. That's what I always say.
181
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,920
These breeds need
properly looking after.
182
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,160
Yes, lovely breeds.
183
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,680
We're going to do
a couple of circuits. They seem to be getting on well.
184
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,720
You mind if we walk together?
185
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,200
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Right.
186
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,720
Got to get their circuits in.
187
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:59,360
So, er, what's the best dog
you've ever seen?
188
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,400
(TAPPING ON DOOR)
189
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,600
Rom...
Hm?
190
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,640
(STRIDER WHIMPERS)
Aw, he's unhappy.
191
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,240
Snap.
(BARKS)
192
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,280
Take him downstairs.
193
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,320
To the pub?
194
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,360
Well, anywhere out of here.
195
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,400
(SIGHS)
Rom...
196
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,520
Rom...
(STRIDER WHIMPERS)
197
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,560
Go on.
198
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,080
Fine.
(BARKING)
199
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,080
Right. Come on, then.
200
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,080
You're in here, mate.
201
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:46,120
(STRIDER WHIMPERS)
202
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,400
(BARKING)
203
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,440
(SIGHS)
204
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,160
All right, Strider. It worked.
Well-played.
205
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,440
OK. Come on, then. Let's go.
I'll hang out with you a bit more.
206
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,680
Rom.
207
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,960
Shit, is it morning?
You slept with the dog.
208
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,200
Nothing happened.
Why did you feel the need to say that?
209
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,440
I don't know. It felt like
we were being accused of something.
210
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,080
He was still... whimpering,
so I, erm...
211
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,240
I came down and we had a chat.
212
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,840
You sent yourself to sleep
with your own conversation.
213
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,120
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
Help me get the kids up.
214
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,160
OK. Come on, mate. Let's go.
215
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,920
(SIGHS)
216
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,240
I'm knackered. I don't think
I'm going to be much company at this meal tonight.
217
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,440
Your energy level
has nothing to do with it.
218
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,760
You've moaned about this meal
from the start.
219
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,640
I know. But last time I got stuck
next to some woman who was obsessed with Michael Buble.
220
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,840
It's all she could go on about.
(LAUGHS) Good.
221
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,880
Katherine. I know.
She's a nightmare.
222
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,600
There's a seating plan this year.
I promise you won't have to sit anywhere near her.
223
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,000
Fine. I'll take one for the team.
224
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,880
I'll keep it all inside, then smash
it up on a mix tape freestyle.
225
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,560
(LAUGHS)
What are you laughing at? You want to be on a diss track as well?
226
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,760
Could walk Strider again today.
227
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,560
Look at that guy over there.
Have you seen him before?
228
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,680
I've got a bad feeling about him.
229
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,720
I don't like the way he's sitting.
230
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,040
Yeah, on a stool (!)
231
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:31,000
Yeah, but right in the middle
of the pub. Hiding in plain sight.
232
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,920
Or just sitting in plain sight
with a pint, not a bottle.
233
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,240
(SCOFFS) Trying to gain our trust
by going deep cover.
234
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,280
That's not going to work.
235
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,280
You've gone undercover and I've
sniffed you out, mate. Woof, woof.
236
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,640
The resistance takes you down.
237
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,600
I think you're spending too much time
with that dog.
238
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,160
Hello, mate. You all right?
Got a name?
239
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:56,400
I'm Romesh. I'm the landlord here.
Haven't seen you here before.
240
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,800
I'm Tom. I'm new to the area.
241
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,440
I see you're a pint man.
242
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,040
Yeah...
You know, Tom, we, er...
243
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,800
We like to watch each other's backs
round here. Like a family.
244
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,560
If somebody was to suddenly decide
to switch from pints to bottles...
245
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,520
..we'd notice.
246
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,400
So...
OK.
247
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,800
Why are you talking like you're in
The Fast and the Furious?
248
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,720
He got the message.
Yep. Looks like it.
249
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,960
Bye, mate.
250
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,160
Hello, again.
I was hoping you'd be here.
251
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,600
Oh, really? Me too.
252
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,800
The chemistry feels great,
doesn't it?
253
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,840
I hope that's not too forward.
254
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:46,440
No! I... I was going to say it, too,
but I didn't know how you'd react.
255
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,640
Look how happy they are.
It must be a sign.
256
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,200
Yeah, well, they love their circuits.
257
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,080
If it keeps going well, we should
maybe take things further.
258
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,520
(LAUGHS) Maybe.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
259
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,360
Come on, Holly.
260
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,280
Why aren't you answering your phone?
You need to get ready.
261
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,320
I'm worried about
leaving them alone.
262
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,680
Oh, the dog will be fine.
No, not the dog.
263
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,800
I mean Julie.
Why? What's wrong with her?
264
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,200
She can't spot a wrong 'un.
She hasn't got my instincts.
265
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,960
(SIGHS) Do you not think you'd be
better putting your efforts
266
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,880
into trying to run the pub properly,
rather than trying to spot this mystery shopper?
267
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:27,920
Nat, the whole reason
I took on this pub
268
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,920
was to keep my dad's dream alive.
This is how he did things.
269
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,120
Yeah. Shoddily.
I loved your dad,
270
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,920
but trying to get one
over the brewery is just stupid.
271
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,960
Come on and get ready.
272
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,960
(DOOR CLOSES)
Er, we won't be back that late.
273
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,000
Probably about 11:00?
274
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,600
Romesh, why is there a stray dog
in the flat?
275
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,880
It's Strider.
We're looking after him.
276
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,840
How exactly are you looking
after him? By giving him his space?
277
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,520
Is it dangerous?
Where does it do its business?
278
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,040
I've done a full set of instructions.
279
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,640
"Avoidance of eye contact
indicates guilt"?
280
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,800
"Ditto anyone covering the bottle
with..."
281
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,080
That's the wrong one.
That's for Julie.
282
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,080
"Watch out for anyone acting
suspiciously in an obvious way,
283
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,120
there may be a plan to distract you
284
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,400
while a secondary agent
makes their play."
285
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,280
"Do not serve anyone
with a waxed moustache"?
286
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,320
That's not just about
the mystery shopper,
287
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,920
that is a general rule
to keep the wankers out.
288
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,760
Why are you drinking out of a bottle?
We've been through this.
289
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,760
Come on. We're going to be late.
Julie, you have to memorise that.
290
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,280
If you look at it while serving,
it's a massive giveaway.
291
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,280
"If he poos in the house,
take him to it and put his face real close
292
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,320
so he knows he's done wrong."
293
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,160
OK, that's actually for mum. Not you.
It's a bit harsh.
294
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,760
It's not for the kids.
You know it's for the dog, right?
295
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,800
Yes.
296
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,120
By the way, if Mum does come down
and try to help, ignore her, please.
297
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,800
Sure. I'll ignore you, too.
298
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,240
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
299
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,280
(SIGHS)
300
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,320
What's so interesting
about the label, mate?
301
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,240
I was just wondering where the
beer's from. From the brewery.
302
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,280
Oh, no. I meant what country.
Sure.
303
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,320
Oh, and before you ask,
304
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,440
the furniture came from a wholesaler
in Leeds, Detective Inspector.
305
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,040
(ALMOST SILENT) What the fuck?
306
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,720
(PIANO PLAYS)
307
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,360
Oh, hi. Er, Romesh.
308
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,400
Ruth.
You here under duress as well?
309
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,800
Do you want me to give your partner
the stink eye for dragging you along?
310
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,840
No, no. I work at the firm.
Er, on the front desk.
311
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,040
Oh. Right.
312
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,080
Yes, er... I'm, erm...
313
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,120
Natasha's husband. Er...
314
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,120
I think we spoke on the phone
a few days ago.
315
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,640
You were asking for my number.
316
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,640
I don't know why I brought it up.
It was an awkward exchange.
317
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,680
(PHONE RINGING)
318
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,480
Yes?
Your instructions say
319
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,200
I'm to feed the dog steak?
That is what he would eat in the wild.
320
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,240
You think dogs hunt cows?
321
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,680
Look, I'm leaving him
with a stranger for the evening,
322
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,320
I'm his surrogate owner, if I want to
give him steak, I will. Can we leave it at that?
323
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,440
I'm stressed out enough
about the mystery shopper. Mystery shopper?
324
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,480
You never told me!
"Mum, do not get--"
325
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,520
Mum?
326
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,800
Hello again!
327
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,280
Oh, hi. Katherine. Erm, I think
there is a seating plan.
328
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,200
Oh, I swapped with someone.
I thought you'd like to see a friendly face.
329
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,040
What has happened in your life
in the last year?
330
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,360
I've seen Michael five times
already.
331
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,480
From his garden?
In concert. You have to go.
332
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,000
I always say to people that if you
don't like Michael's records,
333
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,800
you will be converted
by seeing him live.
334
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,920
It's like...
It's like a religious experience.
335
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,960
Yeah, I'm sure it is.
336
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,360
I hope you don't mind.
I'm going to call the kids. We've got a new babysitter.
337
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,600
(PHONE RINGING)
338
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,240
ROMESH: "Julie, how's things?"
339
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,560
Great, yeah.
I've made four arrests already.
340
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,640
Look, seriously,
talk me through the faces.
341
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:11,760
Lemon, Lee, Phil the cabbie,
342
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,600
a couple of Eastern European
builders, two students on a date...
343
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,640
Oh, and your mum has come down
344
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,720
and is asking everyone who buys a
drink if they're a mystery shopper.
345
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,760
Are you a mystery shopper?
346
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,800
Jesus Chr... Can you put her on?
347
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,000
Huh? Mum. You can't go around
accusing everyone of being a mystery shopper.
348
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,120
We're not supposed
to know they're coming.
349
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,160
You're supposed to be
looking after the dog.
350
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,840
What do you want me to do?
Read it a bedtime story?
351
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,720
Rom. Everyone's sitting down now.
352
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,760
Yes, I know,
and I'm trying very hard,
353
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:46,080
but I'm sitting next to Katherine,
which you promised me wouldn't happen.
354
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:49,480
I know. I'm so sorry about that.
She switched places!
355
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,040
She means well.
Yes, but she does harm.
356
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,080
Oh.
357
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,440
Rom absolutely loves Michael
as well.
358
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,800
Oh. Are you on Spotify?
359
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,440
I can send you a playlist.
The--
360
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,280
Erm, I've just got to check the menu,
if that's all right.
361
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,320
Oh.
362
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,640
I saw that film, Girl on the Train,
the other day.
363
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,480
Right.
I loved the book.
364
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:19,120
The film didn't work for me
cos of Emily Blunt.
365
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,000
She dated Michael.
Oh, we're back on that, are we?
366
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:26,120
Oh, yeah! I could talk about Michael
for hours.
367
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,880
(LAUGHS)
368
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:33,320
I would really like to order, please.
I'll be with you in a second, sir.
369
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,480
People always say to me, they say,
"Kath--"
370
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,520
So, what does your husband do?
371
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,240
Oh, er, he runs an eatery
that serves drinks.
372
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,760
The way he's indulging Katherine
shows he's a real people person.
373
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,120
(KATHERINE WITTERS ON)
Hm.
374
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,480
He had the voice of an angel,
but also, have you seen his hair?
375
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,520
What can I get you, sir?
376
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:57,080
Thank God. Erm... Actually,
I'm vegetarian so could...
377
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,920
Butternut chilli stew.
Er, yes, but...
378
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,040
Could you leave out the black beans
because they give me indigestion.
379
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,080
I'm afraid that's not possible.
380
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,120
Er, can I just have a quick...
381
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,600
I mean, clearly, it is possible,
isn't it?
382
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,640
What you're telling me
is you won't do it.
383
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,680
The stew is already made.
384
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,200
It says here, "Made with local
fresh ingredients"
385
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,800
and now you're telling me
you heat up pre-prepared stuff.
386
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,240
All stews are pre-prepared,
so they can stew.
387
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,480
I can see if the chef
will make you another.
388
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,800
I wouldn't want to put him out, mate.
I'll just have bread.
389
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:33,880
Bread? Yes, just bring the bread
basket round each course. I'll make do with that. Thank you.
390
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,680
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I do listen to other artists,
391
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,840
but I always come back to Michael.
392
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,160
Are you a mystery shopper?
393
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:54,200
A what, sorry? Ignore her.
Oh, this is a nice surprise.
394
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,240
Although I can't join you
cos I'm working.
395
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,320
No, I know. I just wanted to know
when your next day off was.
396
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,520
And whether or not we could
spend it together?
397
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,880
See what happens?
I like him.
398
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,360
Very courteous.
Well, I'm free on Sunday.
399
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,520
Sunday would be perfect.
She'll be on heat then.
400
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,320
Oh, no. He's a crazy pervert.
401
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,440
Oh, no. I'm talking about my dog.
We walk our dogs together.
402
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,680
They have real chemistry.
403
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,120
So, you want our dogs to breed?
404
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,160
Yes...
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
405
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,600
I mean, a pedigree like that,
406
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,640
the pups will be worth
about ?500 each.
407
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,160
Obviously, I'd give you a cut
for the insemination.
408
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,840
Yeah, it's not actually my dog.
409
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,880
Are you kidding me?
410
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,160
Oh, my God. I cannot believe
you would lead me on like that.
411
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,520
I can't believe that you'd offer
to pay for dog semen.
412
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,560
So I guess we're even.
413
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,360
Well-played.
414
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,880
No man who trades in dog sperm
is a keeper.
415
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,920
And the coffees are on the house.
416
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,000
Oh, thank you so much. That's great.
417
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:04,440
OK, so that's ?640 divided by ten.
418
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,360
Actually, you only had bread,
which is free.
419
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,400
So you shouldn't have to pay anyway.
420
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,440
Erm, Katherine. It is fine.
Ruth!
421
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,640
Ruth! Divide it by nine.
422
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,960
Natasha's husband only had bread.
423
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,000
Sorry.
Was there a problem with your food?
424
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,920
Er, no. Excuse me.
I can tell you're not the type to cause a fuss.
425
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,320
I wouldn't say that.
My friend only had bread?
426
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,360
He only ordered bread.
427
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,760
Why would you only order bread?
428
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,040
Er, well, I'm vegetarian.
429
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,560
We chose this place as we thought
the menu would cater for everyone.
430
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,000
And I've got allergies.
As well as, erm...
431
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,720
..some religious objections to...
432
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,600
..certain...
433
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,800
..vegetables.
434
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:50,000
MICHAEL BUBLE: Feeling Good
435
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,480
Did you know
he used to date Emily Blunt?
436
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,400
Good night, Julie.
Bye, lads.
437
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,200
Thank you. Good night.
Any sign of the mystery shopper?
438
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,520
They got us.
439
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,080
Brewery e-mailed this through.
440
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,160
Fucking hell. They're fining me
for buying from another source.
441
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:26,080
But I told you it was me.
What the hell are you talking about?
442
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,120
When I winked.
443
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,760
Shit. I only did it
for the extra cash
444
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,320
and then you said you knew
how to spot a mystery shopper and I believed you.
445
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,920
I thought you were playing along.
Why would I play along?
446
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,280
I'm being fined.
447
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,040
You said getting fined
was an occupational hazard.
448
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,560
The fine is still less than
the money you saved overall buying the beer elsewhere.
449
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,600
Really?
Yeah.
450
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,640
By about five quid.
Aw.
451
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,240
So you're ahead? That's a result.
452
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,280
What is this shit about
"gruff service"?
453
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,120
I see that as a plus.
I like an angry pint.
454
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,680
Yeah?
Well I'd get used to it, dickhead.
455
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,560
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