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♪♪
*THE SIMPSONS*
Season 29 Episode 06
Title: "The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used to Be"
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♪♪
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♪♪
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♪♪ Playing lively jazz music...
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D'oh!
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♪♪ Organ playing old-timey music...
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♪♪
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♪♪ Organ playing upbeat version
of "The Simpsons Theme"...
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This is Kent Brockman
on location
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among the good people
of Springfield.
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Coward!
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Because today, we celebrate
beautiful Skyline Park,
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a reclamation project
built atop the ruins
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of the Springfield Monorail.
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Monorail.
Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
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No, they're not building
a new monorail.
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Why not?
This one couldn't fail.
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Couldn't fail. Couldn't fail.
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♪ It's a monstrous creation ♪
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♪ Of mass transportation. ♪
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Throw me again!
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No, we're repurposing
the old monorail track
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into a completely new
and original feature
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we ripped off from New York:
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the Springfield Skypark-Line.
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I love this space.
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Planters, benches,
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solar-powered
talking trash cans.
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Thank you for the used porn.
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Huh?
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Uh, okay, uh, do we go, uh,
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gut to gut or, uh,
butt-butt to nut?
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Don't worry,
we'll use the bypass board.
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Okay, fatsos, suck it in.
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- Oh!
- Whoa.
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Oh!
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I got Homer's sandwich.
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I got Wiggum's gun.
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And now, to culminate
today's events,
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let's turn on the electricity
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that illuminates
the tiny "no smoking" signs.
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Huh? Somehow the track
is getting juice!
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Yes! Now to put it
on power save.
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The monorail... it's alive!
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I warned you not to...
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Ha-ha!
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Welcome, senior citizen.
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No more Nimoy!
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On the positive side,
with this disaster,
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we have surpassed
Detroit and Kabul
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as the world's
most unlucky city.
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Er, ah, er.
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Couldn't you have at least put
little wedges under the wheels?
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Er, uh, sorry, sweetheart,
but running a city is
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a little more complicated
than getting your nails done.
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Don't you worry
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your pretty little head
about it.
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Mr. Mayor, that is so sexist.
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Uh-oh, sounds like
someone's girdle is pinching.
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Well, now, it's all in fun.
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No one respects you ladies
more than I.
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Now if you wouldn't mind
serving the coffee and cake,
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we men can get down to business.
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This is the last time
I'm doing this.
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So I better do it perfectly.
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Here you go, Dr. Hibbert.
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I can't believe Mayor Quimby
talking down to me like that.
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And by the way, women don't
wear girdles anymore.
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We wear Spanx
and other shapewear.
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Tell me about it.
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People think we've moved on, but
this world is as sexist as ever.
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Thanks, Obama.
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What's so great
about Quimby anyway?
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I could cut a ribbon.
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And I could make it curl nicely
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using the edge
of the giant scissors.
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You'd be a great mayor, Mom.
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You're organized,
you manage the budget,
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and thanks to Dad, you're
an expert on the court system.
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Fun fact: being a defendant
gets you out of jury duty.
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Mom, this is our time.
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Wonder Woman showed
that if you're a goddess
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with superpowers, there's
no limit to what you can do.
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You could be mayor!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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00:06:04,783 --> 00:06:07,084
A woman prime minister, okay.
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00:06:07,151 --> 00:06:09,020
Women Ghostbusters, cool.
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Woman head of
the Federal Reserve,
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as far as I'm concerned,
what's that?
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But a woman mayor?
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If Mom becomes mayor,
we can get away with anything.
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♪♪ Hip-hop music plays...
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Help me, Jesus!
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♪♪ Heavenly choir singing...
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Pick a side.
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♪♪ Hip-hop music plays...
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Hey. Where'd everybody go?
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Marge, this town
is ready for a change.
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Quimby has been mayor,
like, forever.
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You'd think he could
lose that sash.
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It's like, we know, okay?
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All right now, listen.
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The key to victory
is micro-targeting.
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Micro-targeting.
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Think of the voters as a pie.
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Yes, Homer,
someone here said "pie."
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I know, "Mmm, pie."
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00:07:01,305 --> 00:07:02,707
I'm sorry, go on.
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00:07:02,774 --> 00:07:06,529
Uh, we use data analysis
to divide the pie
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into tiny little slivers
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00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:11,623
and tailor a message
to each micro-group.
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00:07:11,927 --> 00:07:15,063
You just tell them what they
want to hear until you get 51%.
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00:07:15,186 --> 00:07:18,162
Then you can govern
like a far-right nut-job.
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♪ I'm Marge Simpson ♪
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♪ And won't you vote for me? ♪
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♪ Whatever your obsession is ♪
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♪ Is my priority. ♪
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I stand with you
against revenuers.
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Oh, uh, durn revenuers!
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00:07:35,173 --> 00:07:37,809
Well, you's the new John Galt,
aren't you?
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00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:42,412
Hey, can you take a picture
with our Ayn Rand scarecrow?
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00:07:45,008 --> 00:07:48,178
♪ From widows
to your lunch pail Joes ♪
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♪ To vets of foreign wars ♪
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♪ There's no
single-issue voter ♪
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♪ My campaign will ignore. ♪
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00:07:55,983 --> 00:07:58,071
Marge, we really
appreciate this.
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00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,965
You're the first politician
that's ever met with us weirdos.
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00:08:01,032 --> 00:08:04,537
What's the biggest issue
you exotic pet owners face?
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00:08:04,654 --> 00:08:06,694
Keeping our pets
from eating each other.
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00:08:06,811 --> 00:08:09,201
Yes. As the owner
of an impala, I...
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00:08:09,287 --> 00:08:12,029
- Hey, where'd it go?
- Oh, boy.
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00:08:12,397 --> 00:08:15,006
♪ From soccer moms
to mafia dons ♪
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♪ I'll give you what you need ♪
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00:08:17,748 --> 00:08:19,951
♪ I'm Marge Simpson ♪
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♪ And won't you vote for me?
Yeah! ♪
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Why do people assume
all I can do
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is feed spaghetti to dogs
that want to make out?
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What do you want to do?
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00:08:30,328 --> 00:08:33,197
Carve a little wooden boy
and make him come to life.
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00:08:33,264 --> 00:08:34,265
Oh.
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♪♪
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Now, for our third and fourth
party candidates,
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00:08:45,265 --> 00:08:48,644
I regret to say you are just shy
of the polling results required,
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00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:50,381
so you're excluded
from the debate.
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00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:52,249
Bye-bye.
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00:08:52,316 --> 00:08:54,986
Mrs. Simpson, you've targeted
small constituencies.
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00:08:55,053 --> 00:08:57,021
Do you have any proposals
that would appeal
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00:08:57,088 --> 00:08:59,132
to every Springfielder?
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00:09:00,428 --> 00:09:02,163
Well, Kent, I am a mom.
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00:09:02,221 --> 00:09:06,991
And as a mom, I want to help
this town eat its vegetables.
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00:09:08,533 --> 00:09:10,535
Vegetables, Marge?
152
00:09:10,602 --> 00:09:12,644
As moderator,
it's my duty to fact check
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00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,338
that many of them are yucky.
154
00:09:14,405 --> 00:09:15,873
It's a metaphor.
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Stinkin' metaphors!
156
00:09:17,475 --> 00:09:19,343
I only trust similes.
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00:09:19,410 --> 00:09:20,845
I enjoy metaphors.
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00:09:20,912 --> 00:09:23,632
They're raindrops on the flower
that is the ear.
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00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,249
You put in a "like" or an "as,"
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00:09:25,316 --> 00:09:27,687
or so help me
you are going down.
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00:09:30,288 --> 00:09:31,889
She's completely cooked.
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00:09:31,956 --> 00:09:34,525
Unlike the chicken
she brought to the potluck.
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00:09:34,592 --> 00:09:36,794
Oh, Helen is
as bitter as the lemonade
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00:09:36,861 --> 00:09:38,262
she brought to the potluck.
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00:09:38,374 --> 00:09:40,944
What a terrible potluck
that was.
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00:09:41,399 --> 00:09:43,868
Why wasn't this
a town hall event?
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00:09:43,935 --> 00:09:46,976
I like to see them
balance on the stools.
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00:09:51,149 --> 00:09:52,996
You know, my entire life,
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00:09:53,054 --> 00:09:55,446
that stupid tire fire
has been burning.
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And it's ruined our town.
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I promise, if you elect me,
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I'll put that fire out.
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00:10:06,891 --> 00:10:08,059
No tire fire?
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00:10:08,126 --> 00:10:09,794
Ooh, just like Zurich.
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00:10:09,861 --> 00:10:11,265
- Mm.
- Mm.
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00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:16,049
Mm-hmm!
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00:10:16,573 --> 00:10:17,580
Is that enough?
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00:10:17,666 --> 00:10:19,804
And with the last senior citizen
gently reminded
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00:10:19,871 --> 00:10:23,141
that they cannot vote at IHOP,
the results are now final.
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00:10:23,208 --> 00:10:24,538
History is made.
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00:10:24,596 --> 00:10:26,444
Marge Simpson is our new mayor.
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00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:29,838
The first woman and the second
to pee sitting down.
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00:10:30,048 --> 00:10:32,409
Marge! Marge! Marge!
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00:10:32,476 --> 00:10:33,945
Thank you.
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00:10:35,237 --> 00:10:38,280
Homie, you want to make out
with the mayor?
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00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,625
What? No! Ew!
187
00:10:40,692 --> 00:10:43,643
Oh, you mean you.
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00:10:45,864 --> 00:10:47,095
Okay.
189
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,486
Now I really wish I'd voted.
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00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:53,916
♪♪
191
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Whee! Whee!
192
00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:01,612
Look at me!
I'm a public servant!
193
00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:03,180
Woo-hoo!
194
00:11:03,439 --> 00:11:06,193
And so our new mayor
is doing what was unthinkable
195
00:11:06,251 --> 00:11:08,753
in the Quimby regime: something.
196
00:11:08,905 --> 00:11:11,321
Roll the 'dozers!
197
00:11:19,359 --> 00:11:20,832
Well, sorry,
198
00:11:20,899 --> 00:11:24,335
but I-I can't let you
put me out of business.
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00:11:26,078 --> 00:11:30,875
You'd ruin the air for the whole
town just to sell knickknacks?
200
00:11:30,942 --> 00:11:32,009
Knickknacks?
201
00:11:32,076 --> 00:11:33,811
They-they may be to you,
202
00:11:33,878 --> 00:11:37,015
but, uh, they put my son
through med school.
203
00:11:37,082 --> 00:11:40,508
He named, um, uh,
a-a stammer after me.
204
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:43,975
You know.
205
00:11:45,589 --> 00:11:46,691
I failed.
206
00:11:46,758 --> 00:11:48,827
I failed on my one promise.
207
00:11:48,894 --> 00:11:51,262
Oh.
208
00:11:51,329 --> 00:11:53,564
And so, Marge Simpson
is already a failure.
209
00:11:53,638 --> 00:11:56,341
The fastest fall from grace
since Mamie Eisenhower
210
00:11:56,401 --> 00:11:59,237
destroyed a piano store
on inauguration day.
211
00:12:02,741 --> 00:12:04,542
Hey, Mom,
want to get some lunch?
212
00:12:04,609 --> 00:12:06,144
I'd love a lunch break,
213
00:12:06,211 --> 00:12:09,247
but I've got to get
that tire fire out first.
214
00:12:09,314 --> 00:12:12,283
Already neglecting your family,
Madam Mayor?
215
00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:15,316
Why you little!
Don't embarrass your mother!
216
00:12:31,102 --> 00:12:32,670
Guys, guys, stop!
217
00:12:32,737 --> 00:12:33,838
I'm the mayor.
218
00:12:33,914 --> 00:12:35,949
Everything you do
reflects on me.
219
00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:37,241
Of course, honey.
220
00:12:37,308 --> 00:12:39,385
It's just hard
to restrain yourself
221
00:12:39,443 --> 00:12:40,779
when you're above the law.
222
00:12:40,846 --> 00:12:42,613
We're not above the law.
223
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,183
Oh, yeah, yeah, I get it.
224
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:47,151
Hmm?
225
00:12:47,218 --> 00:12:48,619
I want you to promise me.
226
00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:52,438
Can you both behave like Lisa,
just for a little bit?
227
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:55,625
"I'm Lisa. I'm Lisa."
228
00:12:55,696 --> 00:12:57,528
"I like music."
229
00:12:57,595 --> 00:13:00,446
"My boyfriend is broccoli."
230
00:13:01,399 --> 00:13:02,499
Hey!
231
00:13:02,789 --> 00:13:05,055
We're here to buy your stand.
232
00:13:05,169 --> 00:13:07,471
Yeah, well, it's not for sale.
233
00:13:07,538 --> 00:13:10,110
All I want to do
is help this city,
234
00:13:10,168 --> 00:13:12,860
and I can't because of
this ding-dong.
235
00:13:13,778 --> 00:13:16,314
How dare you
insult me like that?
236
00:13:16,381 --> 00:13:17,696
I was there!
237
00:13:17,766 --> 00:13:20,084
What? What, what,
what, what, what?
238
00:13:20,151 --> 00:13:21,753
Clyde's a Vietnam vet,
239
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:24,155
a survivor of
the Battle of Dhing Dhong.
240
00:13:24,222 --> 00:13:25,222
Thank you.
241
00:13:25,289 --> 00:13:27,141
Than Kyu was his best friend.
242
00:13:27,227 --> 00:13:29,961
Stepped on a land mine in
the battle of One Pun Too Many.
243
00:13:30,028 --> 00:13:32,163
This is not good, Marge.
Not good.
244
00:13:32,321 --> 00:13:33,630
Oh.
245
00:13:33,954 --> 00:13:35,973
Marge's beehive of activity
has become
246
00:13:36,031 --> 00:13:37,485
a hornet's nest of trouble.
247
00:13:37,543 --> 00:13:40,477
Also, our news broadcasts have
been reduced to two sentences.
248
00:13:40,571 --> 00:13:41,638
Good night.
249
00:13:41,705 --> 00:13:42,974
There's only one way out.
250
00:13:43,041 --> 00:13:44,541
You're gonna have to do a live,
251
00:13:44,608 --> 00:13:47,111
completely unscripted
heart-to-heart with the voters.
252
00:13:47,178 --> 00:13:49,447
- Here's your script.
- I don't want a script.
253
00:13:49,514 --> 00:13:50,813
Are you nuts?
254
00:13:52,116 --> 00:13:53,117
Good evening.
255
00:13:53,184 --> 00:13:55,686
I'm here to talk to you,
one-on-one,
256
00:13:55,753 --> 00:13:58,969
just an ordinary mom
sitting in her kitchen.
257
00:14:00,558 --> 00:14:01,727
This is a disaster.
258
00:14:01,785 --> 00:14:04,085
I've seen counterclockwise
knob turning before,
259
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:05,444
but not like this.
260
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:09,524
Marge, what time
is dinner ready?
261
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,270
I'm in the middle of a speech.
262
00:14:11,369 --> 00:14:12,770
So, 6:00?
263
00:14:12,837 --> 00:14:14,405
You'll get it when you get it.
264
00:14:14,472 --> 00:14:16,875
Wait a minute.
Something's turning them around.
265
00:14:16,942 --> 00:14:20,378
Marge, can you cook
a Hot Pocket in the dryer?
266
00:14:20,445 --> 00:14:22,313
Homer Simpson,
267
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:25,828
the only time you shut your
mouth is to keep food inside.
268
00:14:30,254 --> 00:14:31,255
That's it.
269
00:14:31,322 --> 00:14:32,891
She's turned
a gaffe-making tubby
270
00:14:32,958 --> 00:14:34,325
into a laugh-yielding hubby.
271
00:14:34,392 --> 00:14:35,703
Does that work?
272
00:14:35,927 --> 00:14:38,035
Let's see,
the subter-hand is all right.
273
00:14:38,206 --> 00:14:39,933
The math checks out.
274
00:14:40,043 --> 00:14:42,145
I'll be the Kellyanne Conway
of this thing.
275
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:43,467
Kellyanne Conway?
276
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:46,004
I like how she always
looks like she just woke up.
277
00:14:46,071 --> 00:14:50,301
I think it's inspiring how now
a woman can be Joseph Goebbels.
278
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:55,746
Marge, do we have any bread?
279
00:14:55,813 --> 00:14:57,145
Check your chest.
280
00:14:59,617 --> 00:15:01,385
Woo-hoo!
281
00:15:01,452 --> 00:15:02,553
Oh, my God.
282
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:04,210
Those are the highest
approval ratings
283
00:15:04,268 --> 00:15:07,731
I've ever seen
for an incumbent: 53%!
284
00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:11,121
♪♪
285
00:15:14,124 --> 00:15:16,512
Marge, your numbers
are simply fantastic.
286
00:15:16,579 --> 00:15:19,817
And all you had to do was throw
your husband under the bus.
287
00:15:20,590 --> 00:15:21,801
Well, don't tell me you're sad
288
00:15:21,859 --> 00:15:23,716
about throwing your husband
under the bus.
289
00:15:23,785 --> 00:15:26,210
I'm happy if he can
fit under a bus.
290
00:15:26,277 --> 00:15:27,378
Zing!
291
00:15:27,489 --> 00:15:29,981
Yeah. Zing.
292
00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:35,293
Mr. Simpson, we're naming
a sandwich after you.
293
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:37,938
My lifelong dream
has come true.
294
00:15:37,996 --> 00:15:39,290
I've got this all planned.
295
00:15:39,357 --> 00:15:42,093
Start with a full Reuben
with all the fixin's.
296
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,827
Put a club sandwich on top.
297
00:15:43,894 --> 00:15:46,067
The bottom bun
is, at first glance,
298
00:15:46,129 --> 00:15:47,899
a chicken-fried steak.
299
00:15:47,966 --> 00:15:49,800
But it's worth a closer look,
because...
300
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:52,370
Sir, sir, sir.
We've already made it.
301
00:15:52,437 --> 00:15:55,873
The Open-Mouthed
Turkey Goofball?
302
00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:58,332
That is so not me.
303
00:15:58,409 --> 00:16:00,444
But I'll take six.
304
00:16:00,511 --> 00:16:03,457
We're honored to have
with us the mayor...
305
00:16:04,949 --> 00:16:07,918
and First Doofus
Homer Simpson.
306
00:16:09,287 --> 00:16:14,074
Homer's made Marge happy more
times than he can count: three!
307
00:16:15,044 --> 00:16:18,004
And we're here for
a very, very serious charity:
308
00:16:18,098 --> 00:16:19,574
Save the Whales.
309
00:16:19,684 --> 00:16:21,598
All right, that's it!
310
00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:24,301
No. That's really
why we're here!
311
00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:27,192
I am not a whale!
312
00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:30,934
I am a man with blubber
and several harpoon scars!
313
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,788
What a day for this town.
314
00:16:44,855 --> 00:16:47,639
We've made a deal
with the librarians' union.
315
00:16:47,697 --> 00:16:48,792
Shh.
316
00:16:48,859 --> 00:16:49,961
Homer would've been here,
317
00:16:50,028 --> 00:16:51,929
but he backed out
when he heard the library
318
00:16:51,996 --> 00:16:53,664
didn't have any pop-up books.
319
00:17:04,208 --> 00:17:06,177
Great news, Marge.
You've tapped into something
320
00:17:06,244 --> 00:17:09,813
women and men can agree on:
husbands are idiots.
321
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,148
Yeah, I guess.
322
00:17:11,215 --> 00:17:13,258
While you're guessing,
I'm running with this.
323
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:14,648
Take a look at
the balloon we've made
324
00:17:14,706 --> 00:17:16,411
for the Thanksgiving parade.
325
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,223
I don't care what people say.
326
00:17:19,290 --> 00:17:22,693
My Homie makes one sexy blimp.
327
00:17:24,798 --> 00:17:26,834
I need to talk to somebody.
328
00:17:34,068 --> 00:17:35,237
Mayor Quimby?
329
00:17:35,295 --> 00:17:38,342
No, just ordinary Diamond Joe.
330
00:17:38,409 --> 00:17:39,843
Uh-oh, I know that look.
331
00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:43,047
That's a mayor on the ropes
or a wife who wants a divorce.
332
00:17:43,114 --> 00:17:44,515
I'm familiar with both.
333
00:17:44,582 --> 00:17:45,983
Er, uh, indeed.
334
00:17:46,050 --> 00:17:49,757
Joe, is it possible to have
a decent family life
335
00:17:49,815 --> 00:17:51,822
and be a good political leader?
336
00:17:51,889 --> 00:17:54,135
Marge, I don't want
to talk about that anymore,
337
00:17:54,213 --> 00:17:57,028
but I'll tell you this:
retirement agrees with me.
338
00:17:57,095 --> 00:17:58,562
The first night out of office,
339
00:17:58,629 --> 00:18:01,065
I noticed a gorgeous woman
lying next to me,
340
00:18:01,132 --> 00:18:04,299
and I said, "Holy crap,
I'm married to her."
341
00:18:04,385 --> 00:18:06,401
Go long, boys.
342
00:18:06,579 --> 00:18:09,280
Er, ah, er, ah, er, ah, er...
343
00:18:11,275 --> 00:18:14,411
Marge, there's no "mayor"
in marriage.
344
00:18:14,478 --> 00:18:16,815
There almost is.
It's really close.
345
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:18,157
But I'm afraid not.
346
00:18:19,117 --> 00:18:20,682
Meet you in the boathouse later?
347
00:18:21,419 --> 00:18:23,468
Oh, Marge, I want to thank you
348
00:18:23,526 --> 00:18:25,123
for giving me back my Joseph.
349
00:18:25,190 --> 00:18:26,223
Will you stay?
350
00:18:26,290 --> 00:18:28,492
I just made a giant pitcher
of gimlets,
351
00:18:28,559 --> 00:18:30,794
but I can make a second one
if you're staying.
352
00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:32,363
No, I have to get back.
353
00:18:32,430 --> 00:18:35,733
We're christening a new
manhole cover on 4th Street.
354
00:18:37,268 --> 00:18:38,202
So sad.
355
00:18:38,269 --> 00:18:39,603
Can't you stay for a bit?
356
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:42,606
Uh, we need some help
serving coffee and cake.
357
00:18:42,673 --> 00:18:45,342
I swear this is the last time.
358
00:18:45,409 --> 00:18:47,411
There's more
where that came from!
359
00:18:50,281 --> 00:18:53,617
Thank you. I couldn't be here
without my husband.
360
00:18:55,619 --> 00:18:57,455
He's a big supporter.
361
00:18:57,615 --> 00:18:59,361
So big...
362
00:19:11,158 --> 00:19:13,514
So big, I wish all of you could
363
00:19:13,572 --> 00:19:15,799
know the love in his heart.
364
00:19:16,569 --> 00:19:18,541
Everyone, look inside yourself
365
00:19:18,651 --> 00:19:21,432
and find your Homer Simpson.
366
00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:23,658
Mwah!
367
00:19:31,555 --> 00:19:34,172
It's so beautiful.
368
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,195
We make the magic happen,
baby.
369
00:19:44,878 --> 00:19:47,881
♪♪
370
00:19:59,879 --> 00:20:01,406
Can we just skip that one?
371
00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:03,187
I would, but you have
to walk through it
372
00:20:03,254 --> 00:20:04,688
to get to the cafeteria.
373
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,789
Oh. Okay.
374
00:20:07,111 --> 00:20:10,500
♪♪
375
00:20:16,072 --> 00:20:19,467
♪♪
376
00:20:52,671 --> 00:20:56,132
♪♪
377
00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:58,366
Shh!
26715
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