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- Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
- SCOTT: What are you reading?
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Is it one of your sexy vampire books?
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00:00:05,898 --> 00:00:07,064
No.
4
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Ga-da-ba-da.
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- Warming up?
- Yeah.
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00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:11,802
I die over a perfectly hit seventh.
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This is the first song, right?
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I just missed the end of the first song?
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That was the encore.
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PAULA: Where are you going? Don't leave.
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I'm gonna grab a drink with Hank.
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00:00:19,779 --> 00:00:22,113
Please, just stay and
we'll talk this out.
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Paula, I need a minute.
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I need to cool off.
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Shh-blam.
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It's a Statue of Liberty keychain.
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- 'Cause you're from New York.
- I love it.
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Our relationship has
always been one-sided.
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I give. You take.
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That's not fair. That hurts me.
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You've never been there
for me when I need you.
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I know what you want, you know.
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You want me to apologize.
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You know what, though?
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You owe me the apology this time.
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VALENCIA: I told her that
your name is Madge...
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00:00:47,273 --> 00:00:48,572
and my name is Allegra.
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Madge?
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Tell us about the boyfriend, girlfriend.
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(chuckles) Um, his name is Josh
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and I feel bad for him.
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He's been through some
really tough times.
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Had some toxic relationships.
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This one girl, get this, quit her job
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and then moved across
the country to be with him.
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Crazy, right?
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I'm just a girl in love
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La-la-la, lovey-dove
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I can't be held responsible
for my actions
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She's an ingenue
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I have no underlying issues
to address
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I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed
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They say love makes you crazy
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Therefore, you can't call her crazy
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'Cause when you call her crazy
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You're just calling her in love.
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Blam!
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I hate it when Dad makes lunch.
49
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Yeah, this is just half
of a salami, Scott.
50
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Hey, we're busy around here.
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I put slices of cheese in there
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and some loose bread.
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Get yourself a knife
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and you're in the sandwich-making
business, buddy.
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Great, now I have to steal a quiche
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00:01:53,539 --> 00:01:55,606
from the teacher's lounge again.
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You know, you should say
thank you to your dad!
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Seriously, thank you, honey.
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I just... I couldn't do
all of this without you.
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Ah, it's nothing. I...
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No, it's something
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00:02:06,786 --> 00:02:08,519
and it means a lot to me.
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You're the best.
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No, I'm not. I...
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Yes, you are.
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You know, I was just telling
Sunil the other day
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how lucky I am...
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I had sex with Tanya.
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(laughs)
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Yeah, I had sex with Nancy...
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... Kerrigan.
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Oh, you're serious.
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It was an accident, I swear.
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We went drinking after work
with some other people,
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and-and I had too much,
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and-and she was gonna
drive me home and then
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we got in her car and
she was too drunk to drive,
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00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:35,079
so we decided to wait it out
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- and it started raining...
- Okay, that's enough.
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So... (clears throat)
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It sounds so romantic.
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It's, like, just, like,
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a-a night that you'll remember forever.
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I-I-It happened one time.
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I promise. It will never happen again.
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It-It was a complete accident. I...
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00:02:50,530 --> 00:02:52,396
You know, I have to get ready for work.
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00:02:52,398 --> 00:02:54,298
W-Wait, l-l-let's talk about this.
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No, I got to go.
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00:02:55,735 --> 00:02:57,701
Okay, well, we'll talk
about it when we get home.
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Home?
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What home?
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You don't live here anymore.
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00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:14,018
Oh, hi, sorry, I'm-I'm almost done.
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00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:15,753
No, it's okay, I'm just...
making my iced mocha.
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00:03:15,755 --> 00:03:16,754
I can wait.
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Ah, all yours. Done.
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Thank you.
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(sighs)
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Who did this?!
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Who put an empty
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00:03:43,215 --> 00:03:45,082
ice tray back...
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twice?!
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What...
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man...
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did this?
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00:03:53,893 --> 00:03:54,925
(ice cubes rattle)
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00:03:54,927 --> 00:03:56,093
Um...
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I'm not good
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at filling them back up.
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It's hard, the water splooshes around
112
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and how am I supposed to open the door
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while I'm holding a shaky tray of water?
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Besides, somebody else always does it.
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It's me.
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I am the someone else!
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You know what, it's okay.
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(inhales) It is okay.
Don't worry about it.
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I'll just fill up a tray
and then wait outside
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00:04:16,782 --> 00:04:18,716
the freezer for, like,
three hours for the cubes
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that I need for my iced mocha,
you son of a bitch!
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00:04:20,653 --> 00:04:22,486
Here, look, just take a couple.
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I... don't want your...
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dirty man ice!
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00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:28,826
(crying)
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Somebody get a... get a mop.
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00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:37,067
No, you're right.
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00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:39,703
You're right, I just need to...
take a breath.
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00:04:39,705 --> 00:04:41,271
(sniffles)
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00:04:41,273 --> 00:04:42,773
I know why you're crying.
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00:04:44,210 --> 00:04:46,977
It's because of me...
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00:04:46,979 --> 00:04:49,113
and I get it, I miss
our friendship, too,
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00:04:49,115 --> 00:04:50,748
so let's stop all this foolishness
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00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:54,218
and just go back to the way
things were, okay?
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00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:57,054
Now, I'm willing to overlook
all of the things on your end
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00:04:57,056 --> 00:04:58,155
that you did wrong.
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00:04:58,157 --> 00:04:59,690
The apology tears in your eyes...
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00:04:59,692 --> 00:05:01,058
you don't have to say it. I'll say it.
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00:05:01,060 --> 00:05:02,660
You're sorry.
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00:05:02,662 --> 00:05:03,694
(exhales)
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00:05:03,696 --> 00:05:04,795
Didn't that feel good?
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00:05:04,797 --> 00:05:06,764
And you know what, I'm sorry, too.
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00:05:06,766 --> 00:05:10,367
- I'll say it.
- Would you just shut up?!
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00:05:12,772 --> 00:05:16,407
You're just such a selfish,
whiny, entitled brat.
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00:05:16,409 --> 00:05:17,808
Just stop.
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00:05:17,810 --> 00:05:20,077
You talk?
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00:05:20,079 --> 00:05:22,680
What? I-I talk all the time.
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You're too busy staring
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at the Narcissus pond
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00:05:26,686 --> 00:05:28,986
of your bewitching self to even notice.
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Wow...
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00:05:30,623 --> 00:05:32,656
you're mean...
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00:05:32,658 --> 00:05:34,058
and poetic.
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00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:35,826
Okay.
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00:05:35,828 --> 00:05:38,162
Paula, if it's... if it's not about us,
156
00:05:38,164 --> 00:05:39,697
then-then what's wrong?
157
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:42,966
Scott is...
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00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,368
Gay, I knew it.
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00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:45,536
I knew it. I always knew it.
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I didn't say anything, that's on me.
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00:05:46,739 --> 00:05:49,373
He had sex with Tanya from work.
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00:05:49,375 --> 00:05:51,675
Why would he have sex
with Tanya if he's gay?
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00:05:51,677 --> 00:05:54,044
Good God, you're really
a piece of work, sister.
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00:05:54,046 --> 00:05:55,379
Oh, so this is our dynamic now?
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Great.
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00:05:56,382 --> 00:05:58,182
Go I'm-I'm so sorry, Paula.
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00:05:58,184 --> 00:06:00,584
It's just... it's what my
father always told me.
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00:06:00,586 --> 00:06:03,587
That if I ever tried to...
make something of myself...
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00:06:03,589 --> 00:06:05,656
(choking up)... that no man would
want me and so, I mean, just, like,
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the minute that I try
to pursue my dreams,
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my husband "accidentally" falls
into another woman's vagina.
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Oh, God.
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I mean, I threw him out,
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00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:15,766
so I'm... I-I'm by myself
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00:06:15,768 --> 00:06:17,301
and-and, you know,
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Scott used to do a lot
of stuff around the house.
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00:06:18,904 --> 00:06:20,704
I mean... the-the morning rush
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used to be like an Olympic event
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and now it's just...
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00:06:23,142 --> 00:06:24,408
it's gonna be like
The Hunger Games.
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00:06:24,410 --> 00:06:26,276
It's, like, just gonna be like a...
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dystopian nightmare,
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00:06:27,747 --> 00:06:30,614
just children just fighting for food,
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trying to kill each other.
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At least you have the weekend
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00:06:35,054 --> 00:06:36,286
to start to figure things out.
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00:06:36,288 --> 00:06:38,756
No, well, I mean, this weekend I was...
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(sniffles) ... supposed to go
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on a class trip to Sacramento
190
00:06:41,727 --> 00:06:42,693
to tour the Supreme Court,
191
00:06:42,695 --> 00:06:43,761
but, I mean, you know,
192
00:06:43,763 --> 00:06:44,828
I'm definitely not going now.
193
00:06:44,830 --> 00:06:46,230
Like, I just...
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I mean, I can't go.
195
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:49,533
Oh, my God, I can't.
196
00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:50,834
You know, I can't talk
about this anymore.
197
00:06:50,836 --> 00:06:51,902
I'm sorry, I just...
198
00:06:51,904 --> 00:06:53,537
I'm gonna go back to work.
199
00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:56,206
(exhales loudly)
200
00:06:57,610 --> 00:06:59,977
So, what are we gonna do, Mrs. H?
201
00:07:02,081 --> 00:07:04,181
Oh, now we're back to this?
202
00:07:07,987 --> 00:07:08,952
So, what do you think?
203
00:07:08,954 --> 00:07:10,254
This is, like, the new hangout
204
00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:11,855
in the San Gabriel Valley.
205
00:07:11,857 --> 00:07:13,190
Oh, is that where we are?
206
00:07:13,192 --> 00:07:15,025
I thought this was the Inland Empire.
207
00:07:15,027 --> 00:07:18,228
Common mistake, but no,
it's the San Gabes Vals, babes.
208
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:20,197
I can't believe it
took a month of dating
209
00:07:20,199 --> 00:07:21,632
to get me to come out here and visit.
210
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,400
(both chuckle) It's super cute.
211
00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,102
(sneezes)
212
00:07:25,104 --> 00:07:26,370
- Are you sick?
- Oh.
213
00:07:26,372 --> 00:07:27,905
I hope not.
214
00:07:27,907 --> 00:07:29,173
I have this big thing coming up.
215
00:07:29,175 --> 00:07:31,608
There's, like, a super
cool party at Spiders.
216
00:07:31,610 --> 00:07:33,143
Um, they're doing a party
217
00:07:33,145 --> 00:07:34,745
where they have
all these advertisers and...
218
00:07:34,747 --> 00:07:36,280
- A sponsored party, fun.
- Yeah, like...
219
00:07:36,282 --> 00:07:37,614
I'm doing a little something special.
220
00:07:37,616 --> 00:07:40,384
Mm. Let's just say I'm "involved."
221
00:07:40,386 --> 00:07:41,752
(chuckles)
222
00:07:41,754 --> 00:07:42,986
And I was hoping you would come.
223
00:07:42,988 --> 00:07:45,489
Oh, I would, but I'm working.
224
00:07:45,491 --> 00:07:47,524
Um, it's The Teen Sports Awards
225
00:07:47,526 --> 00:07:48,525
this weekend and so I'm gonna
226
00:07:48,527 --> 00:07:49,593
have my hands full
227
00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:51,094
with 13-year-old celebrity unibrows.
228
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,963
Aw, okay, then.
229
00:07:52,965 --> 00:07:55,432
I'll miss you.
230
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:56,800
Oh, uh...
231
00:07:56,802 --> 00:07:58,035
if you're coming down with something,
232
00:07:58,037 --> 00:07:59,770
I probably shouldn't smooch you.
233
00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:02,072
Oh, okay.
234
00:08:02,074 --> 00:08:03,473
(chuckles)
235
00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:06,743
Hey, Mom.
236
00:08:06,745 --> 00:08:08,846
Where's my volcano?
237
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,348
I need a live volcano today.
238
00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:13,584
I don't have time for that. Uh...
239
00:08:13,586 --> 00:08:15,085
you need to ask Brendan to help you.
240
00:08:15,087 --> 00:08:16,987
Oh, he left again.
241
00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:18,989
I found this note taped
242
00:08:18,991 --> 00:08:20,023
to the mannequin under his sheets.
243
00:08:20,025 --> 00:08:22,125
"Hopped a Greyhound cross-country.
244
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:25,429
Be back when I run out of the
money I took from Mom's purse."
245
00:08:25,431 --> 00:08:26,496
Oh, God.
246
00:08:26,498 --> 00:08:27,731
Who's gonna take you to school now?
247
00:08:27,733 --> 00:08:29,933
How am I supposed to do all this?
248
00:08:29,935 --> 00:08:32,703
I volunteer as tribute!
249
00:08:32,705 --> 00:08:36,006
District Nine will take
Tommy to the Capitol!
250
00:08:36,809 --> 00:08:38,075
Honey, what are you doing?
251
00:08:38,077 --> 00:08:39,376
It's The Hunger Games.
252
00:08:39,378 --> 00:08:41,144
You said your life was gonna
be like The Hunger Ga...
253
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,180
I read the first book last night
just for this moment.
254
00:08:43,182 --> 00:08:45,983
Um... okay, I-I'm here to help.
255
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:47,184
Yeah, I brought
256
00:08:47,186 --> 00:08:49,152
myself. I brought food.
257
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,354
I brought toys.
258
00:08:50,356 --> 00:08:51,788
Here you go, here you go, buddy.
259
00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:52,890
Enjoy.
260
00:08:53,893 --> 00:08:55,425
How?
261
00:08:55,427 --> 00:08:57,194
Okay, Rebecca, I know
that your-your heart
262
00:08:57,196 --> 00:08:58,862
is in the right place, but I just I have
263
00:08:58,864 --> 00:09:00,497
so much to deal with... I'm sorry.
264
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,634
I'm sorry.
265
00:09:03,636 --> 00:09:05,802
Okay, I'll say it first
because I should.
266
00:09:05,804 --> 00:09:06,803
I was more wrong.
267
00:09:06,805 --> 00:09:07,838
I was the more
268
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:08,939
wronger one.
269
00:09:08,941 --> 00:09:09,907
That's horrible grammar.
270
00:09:09,909 --> 00:09:11,008
Do not emulate that grammar.
271
00:09:11,010 --> 00:09:12,976
Look, you said to me at my house
272
00:09:12,978 --> 00:09:14,344
that I didn't support you.
273
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:15,946
(sighs)
274
00:09:15,948 --> 00:09:16,980
You were right.
275
00:09:16,982 --> 00:09:19,516
Every time we talk,
276
00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:22,486
I... I'm really just
thinking about myself,
277
00:09:22,488 --> 00:09:24,554
and thinking about the next
piece of advice to ask you for
278
00:09:24,556 --> 00:09:28,358
and-and I never think about you,
so let me think about you now.
279
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,160
Okay?
280
00:09:30,162 --> 00:09:32,462
I love you and I'm here to help.
281
00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:33,664
Let me do something.
282
00:09:33,666 --> 00:09:35,332
I'll be like Mr. Mom.
283
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,434
Okay? Your own personal Michael Keaton.
284
00:09:37,436 --> 00:09:39,169
And then you can go on that field trip.
285
00:09:39,171 --> 00:09:40,404
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
286
00:09:40,406 --> 00:09:41,772
I can't do that. I mean, Tommy needs me
287
00:09:41,774 --> 00:09:43,840
and, you know, so does Brendan,
288
00:09:43,842 --> 00:09:45,475
theoretically, wherever he is.
289
00:09:45,477 --> 00:09:46,977
Yeah, so, first of all...
290
00:09:46,979 --> 00:09:48,979
(whispering)... we both know that
Brendan is kind of a lost cause.
291
00:09:48,981 --> 00:09:50,213
(whispering) Not in front of Tommy.
292
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,648
Sorry. And-and second of all,
293
00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:53,717
you can't not go on a field trip, Paula.
294
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,585
If I had skipped Presidential Classroom
295
00:09:55,587 --> 00:09:57,654
in Washington D.C., I
would still be a virgin
296
00:09:57,656 --> 00:09:59,456
who knew nothing
about the electoral college.
297
00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:01,091
You got to go.
298
00:10:01,093 --> 00:10:02,492
You can't miss something like this
299
00:10:02,494 --> 00:10:05,762
because someone else messed up.
300
00:10:05,764 --> 00:10:07,965
Are you sure you know what
you're signing up for?
301
00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:09,266
Because this is just,
302
00:10:09,268 --> 00:10:11,835
it is so much harder than it looks.
303
00:10:11,837 --> 00:10:15,872
I mean, parenting turns
you into... well, me.
304
00:10:15,874 --> 00:10:18,175
Come on, Mom, let her help.
305
00:10:18,177 --> 00:10:19,676
Then you can go on your weird,
306
00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:21,044
grown-up field trip thingy.
307
00:10:21,046 --> 00:10:22,079
Oh.
308
00:10:22,081 --> 00:10:23,080
Yeah, you don't understand
309
00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:24,214
what you're taking on.
310
00:10:24,216 --> 00:10:25,816
Okay, look, it's gonna be the weekend,
311
00:10:25,818 --> 00:10:28,585
and Tommy's not gonna be in school,
312
00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:32,022
which means he will be
with you the whole time.
313
00:10:32,024 --> 00:10:34,591
Paula, it's okay.
314
00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:36,326
I've cleared my schedule.
315
00:10:36,328 --> 00:10:38,161
I've only made plans for this.
316
00:10:38,163 --> 00:10:40,364
It'll all be fine.
317
00:10:40,366 --> 00:10:43,500
I swear, I can do it.
318
00:10:43,502 --> 00:10:44,935
(exhales)
319
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:46,503
Okay, so emergency numbers
are in the..
320
00:10:46,505 --> 00:10:47,771
Got it.
321
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:50,374
Ugh. It's not that big a deal.
322
00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:53,010
All I got to do is
keep you alive for 48 hours.
323
00:10:53,012 --> 00:10:54,911
Really? That's where
we're setting the bar?
324
00:10:54,913 --> 00:10:57,214
(chuckles) Yeah, it is, kid, yeah it is.
325
00:10:57,216 --> 00:10:58,749
Oh, wow.
326
00:10:58,751 --> 00:11:01,151
You know, I got to say,
I think this whole mom thing
327
00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:02,953
is gonna be really easy.
328
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,187
Do you even have kids?
329
00:11:04,189 --> 00:11:06,823
(laughing) No, no, no.
330
00:11:06,825 --> 00:11:08,992
No, but I do have a lot of
things that are more important
331
00:11:08,994 --> 00:11:10,227
like my smarts,
332
00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:13,697
my feminine intuition
and this amazing podcast
333
00:11:13,699 --> 00:11:15,599
called "MomTime Daily"
that I started listening to
334
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:16,967
in the car on the way over here.
335
00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:19,002
- (phone beeps, Rebecca sighs)
-
336
00:11:19,004 --> 00:11:21,171
PODCAST HOST: On today's episode,
we're talking allergies.
337
00:11:21,173 --> 00:11:22,773
Peanuts, dairy, eggs,
338
00:11:22,775 --> 00:11:25,709
how do we let kids be kids,
but still keep them safe?
339
00:11:25,711 --> 00:11:28,045
Parenting ain't harrowing
340
00:11:28,047 --> 00:11:29,980
Demanding or traumatic
341
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:31,948
Let's face facts, moms say that
342
00:11:31,950 --> 00:11:34,384
When they're not this good at it
343
00:11:34,386 --> 00:11:36,453
Step aside, ladies, give your babies
344
00:11:36,455 --> 00:11:38,522
To a Carol Brady-level matriarch
345
00:11:38,524 --> 00:11:39,856
The only hard part of it is
346
00:11:39,858 --> 00:11:40,957
How hard I'll hit this
347
00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:42,459
When I knock it out the park
348
00:11:42,461 --> 00:11:44,761
-
Your hands
- ALL:
Raise 'em up
349
00:11:44,763 --> 00:11:46,396
-
Your glass
- ALL:
Raise it up
350
00:11:46,398 --> 00:11:48,498
-
Low expectations
- ALL:
Raise 'em up
351
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,567
-
Your children, I'm gonna
- ALL:
Raise 'em up
352
00:11:50,569 --> 00:11:52,803
It's instinctual, I'm a natural
353
00:11:52,805 --> 00:11:54,504
I'm tireless, multi-taskical
354
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:55,672
My mom game's aflame
355
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,307
And it'll burn eternal
356
00:11:57,309 --> 00:11:59,543
Damn, I'm so maternal.
357
00:11:59,545 --> 00:12:02,312
ALL:
So maternal
358
00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:04,614
So maternal...
359
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:05,816
So maternal
360
00:12:05,818 --> 00:12:07,484
Tommy, lunch!
361
00:12:07,486 --> 00:12:09,920
PODCAST HOST: You're listening
to "MomTime Daily."
362
00:12:09,922 --> 00:12:12,155
And we are so honored to have
supermom Rebecca Bunch
363
00:12:12,157 --> 00:12:14,391
here on our podcast today.
364
00:12:14,393 --> 00:12:16,293
Rebecca, you are one of
the most incredible moms
365
00:12:16,295 --> 00:12:18,695
I have ever seen, even though
you don't have any children,
366
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,797
and you've only been babysitting
for less than an hour.
367
00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:22,499
- How do you do it?
- First of all,
368
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:24,134
I want to say what an honor it is
369
00:12:24,136 --> 00:12:25,702
for you to have me on your podcast.
370
00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:27,838
You know, I guess I
just instinctively get
371
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,506
how to be a mom,
372
00:12:29,508 --> 00:12:32,109
and that's what sets me apart
from other "mothers."
373
00:12:32,111 --> 00:12:33,977
(chuckles) Agreed. Other
mothers are losers.
374
00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:35,245
(chuckles) Yes.
375
00:12:35,247 --> 00:12:37,814
Gonna keep 'em warm,
gonna keep 'em safe
376
00:12:37,816 --> 00:12:39,716
Gonna keep their homework
free of mistakes
377
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,518
If the kid gets hungry,
I feed his face
378
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:42,586
A real wholesome meal.
379
00:12:42,588 --> 00:12:43,787
Piece of cake
380
00:12:43,789 --> 00:12:45,789
Here, have a piece of cake.
381
00:12:45,791 --> 00:12:47,524
- Energy.
- ALL:
Let's bring it up
382
00:12:47,526 --> 00:12:49,593
-
The volume
- ALL:
DJ, bring it up
383
00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,561
-
My spotlight
- ALL:
Light guy, bring it up
384
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,797
-
Your children
- ALL:
Y'oughta let me bring 'em up
385
00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:54,831
It comes easily
386
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,133
It's effortless
387
00:12:56,135 --> 00:12:57,934
Even Gwyneth said
you're the best at this
388
00:12:57,936 --> 00:13:00,704
In her well-respected
online journal
389
00:13:00,706 --> 00:13:03,540
Good God, I'm so maternal.
390
00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:04,975
ALL:
So maternal
391
00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:07,077
So maternal
392
00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:09,312
So maternal...
393
00:13:09,314 --> 00:13:10,981
So maternal.
394
00:13:10,983 --> 00:13:13,717
PODCAST HOST: Parenting is the most
395
00:13:13,719 --> 00:13:16,887
rewarding experience in the world.
(groans)
396
00:13:16,889 --> 00:13:19,556
If you follow some
commonsense guidelines,
397
00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:20,757
you are bound to succeed.
398
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:21,591
Shut up!
399
00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:22,893
- (phone beeps)
-
400
00:13:28,316 --> 00:13:29,916
REBECCA: Oh!
401
00:13:29,918 --> 00:13:32,085
Hey, hey, hey, so, it's Saturday.
402
00:13:32,087 --> 00:13:33,920
- What do you want to do?
- I, uh, woke up early
403
00:13:33,922 --> 00:13:35,588
to turn on the cartoons,
but then you slept
404
00:13:35,590 --> 00:13:36,923
for three more hours, so...
405
00:13:36,925 --> 00:13:38,091
(fake chuckle)
406
00:13:38,093 --> 00:13:39,859
You didn't make any plans for us?
407
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,328
No, you... what, what?
408
00:13:42,330 --> 00:13:43,530
You don't have anything to do?
409
00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:46,366
You don't have baseball,
or soccer, or improv?
410
00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:48,701
Like, don't you need to start
padding that r?sum? for college?
411
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,869
College?
412
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:52,439
Who needs college when
you got this pretty face?
413
00:13:52,441 --> 00:13:54,207
Wow, precocious. Uh, you know what?
414
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:56,976
It's your day, so just
tell me what you want to do.
415
00:13:56,978 --> 00:13:58,545
- Anything?
- Anything at all.
416
00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:00,413
I'm Mr. Mom, which means I'm a dad,
417
00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:01,981
which means fun stuff.
418
00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:04,317
Great, I'd like to try smoking and beer.
419
00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,519
Oh, and I'd like to see naked boobs.
420
00:14:06,521 --> 00:14:07,987
They don't have to be yours, though.
421
00:14:07,989 --> 00:14:10,590
Yeah, so none of that's legal.
422
00:14:10,592 --> 00:14:12,058
Um, so why don't we
423
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,393
just binge-watch a TV show?
424
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,429
I'm thinking... (gasps)
Dora the Explorer.
425
00:14:16,431 --> 00:14:18,965
You really don't know
how old I am, do you?
426
00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:21,501
I know you're older than eight
and younger than me.
427
00:14:21,503 --> 00:14:22,669
Hey, tell you what?
428
00:14:22,671 --> 00:14:24,971
Why don't we just go get
a bunch of popcorn,
429
00:14:24,973 --> 00:14:26,806
and watch whatever we want? Sounds good?
430
00:14:26,808 --> 00:14:28,108
All right, vamanos, Boots.
431
00:14:28,110 --> 00:14:29,676
Oh, and also, um, FYI,
432
00:14:29,678 --> 00:14:31,811
boobs are really just
sacks of yellow fat, so...
433
00:14:31,813 --> 00:14:33,313
not worth the whole obsession.
434
00:14:33,315 --> 00:14:34,481
Ew. Now,
435
00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:37,317
where does your mom keep your car seat?
436
00:14:41,056 --> 00:14:44,324
Why is your friend on a sign for
the thing my mom calls my dad?
437
00:14:44,326 --> 00:14:47,260
Oh, a douche.
438
00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:48,561
Um...
439
00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:50,797
Tommy, do you know what douches are?
440
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,098
Okay.
441
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,333
This is a great opportunity
442
00:14:53,335 --> 00:14:54,834
for you to soak up some wisdom
443
00:14:54,836 --> 00:14:57,103
from a lady who
understands something called
444
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,371
"the patriarchy."
445
00:14:58,373 --> 00:15:01,741
So, douches are a product
created by a corporation
446
00:15:01,743 --> 00:15:05,111
that are meant to exploit...
O.M.G., it's my ex.
447
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,846
Okay, this is really awkward, um,
448
00:15:06,848 --> 00:15:08,882
because the last time I saw him,
449
00:15:08,884 --> 00:15:10,416
I peed on all of his stuff.
450
00:15:10,418 --> 00:15:11,684
(laughs) Up top.
451
00:15:11,686 --> 00:15:13,853
(chuckles) Thanks.
452
00:15:13,855 --> 00:15:15,255
You know what?
453
00:15:15,257 --> 00:15:17,457
There's Josh Chan, but who cares? No.
454
00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:19,025
I feel nothing, you know?
455
00:15:19,027 --> 00:15:20,026
Quick emotional scan.
456
00:15:20,028 --> 00:15:21,227
Boop boop boop.
457
00:15:21,229 --> 00:15:22,428
Nope, nothing.
458
00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:23,630
I'm in remission.
459
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,365
Yeah, I'm not even gonna say hi.
460
00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:27,367
Watch, I'm not gonna say hi.
461
00:15:27,369 --> 00:15:28,568
Hi!
462
00:15:28,570 --> 00:15:30,069
Hi, Josh.
463
00:15:30,071 --> 00:15:31,271
Hi.
464
00:15:31,273 --> 00:15:32,505
Hi, Rebecca. (nervous chuckle)
465
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:34,207
Uh, how have you been?
466
00:15:34,209 --> 00:15:35,375
Haven't seen you since...
467
00:15:35,377 --> 00:15:37,343
She peed on your stuff.
468
00:15:37,345 --> 00:15:39,445
Uh... yeah... um, sorry.
469
00:15:39,447 --> 00:15:41,814
Uh, this is, uh, Paula's son, Tommy.
470
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,316
He's my-my ward...
471
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:46,753
(British accent): ... my
prot?g?, my charge for the day.
472
00:15:46,755 --> 00:15:47,954
I'm babysitting.
473
00:15:47,956 --> 00:15:49,222
Oh, cool.
474
00:15:49,224 --> 00:15:50,990
Um, hey, Tommy, why don't you
475
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:54,327
go get yourself some candy, my man?
476
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,129
This a $100 bill.
477
00:15:56,131 --> 00:15:58,531
Oh, sorry.
478
00:15:58,533 --> 00:15:59,933
There you, should be enough.
479
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:01,467
(chuckles)
480
00:16:01,469 --> 00:16:03,303
Kids. Um...
481
00:16:03,305 --> 00:16:07,106
So, hey, I've been meaning
to apologize to you about,
482
00:16:07,108 --> 00:16:08,908
as Tommy said, the-the peeing.
483
00:16:08,910 --> 00:16:12,111
Um... I have no excuse,
484
00:16:12,113 --> 00:16:14,214
other than I felt primal that day,
485
00:16:14,216 --> 00:16:18,151
but I hope it didn't fritz out
any of the expensive equipment.
486
00:16:18,153 --> 00:16:20,386
It's fine, stuff happens.
487
00:16:20,388 --> 00:16:22,355
Listen, Josh, I'm glad we
ran into each other, honestly,
488
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:26,359
because I hope that, after
everything that has happened,
489
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:27,827
that we can still be friends.
490
00:16:27,829 --> 00:16:29,929
Wow.
491
00:16:29,931 --> 00:16:31,564
Yeah, like, me too.
492
00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:32,966
I thought you would still be mad
493
00:16:32,968 --> 00:16:34,901
- because of the way we broke up.
- No.
494
00:16:34,903 --> 00:16:36,703
I made mistakes, you made mistakes,
495
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:38,471
you made some other more mistakes.
496
00:16:38,473 --> 00:16:40,206
It-it... we're human.
497
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,242
(chuckles) I'm so glad to hear that.
498
00:16:42,244 --> 00:16:43,509
Yeah!
499
00:16:43,511 --> 00:16:46,879
Yeah, and, oh, I, uh, saw that
you-you have a new lady in your life.
500
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,781
Is her name, uh, Hannah?
501
00:16:48,783 --> 00:16:50,516
- Anna.
- Anna!
502
00:16:50,518 --> 00:16:53,152
Oh, right. And I saw you post
about it online.
503
00:16:53,154 --> 00:16:55,221
And not all the posts,
a normal amount of posts.
504
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,389
Let's say three.
505
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,890
I saw three posts.
506
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,492
Uh, anyway, she's... whoo!
507
00:16:59,494 --> 00:17:00,727
She's breathtaking, Josh.
508
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:01,828
So, uh,
509
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:03,329
(gruff voice) ... good job, sir.
510
00:17:03,331 --> 00:17:05,064
(gruff voice) Oh, thank you. (chuckles)
511
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:06,532
(normal voice) Yeah, wow, I mean,
512
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:09,135
I'm relieved we can just be
normal about this.
513
00:17:09,137 --> 00:17:10,370
Why would I be weird about it?
514
00:17:10,372 --> 00:17:12,505
Yeah, right? Exactly.
515
00:17:12,507 --> 00:17:15,241
Well, uh...
516
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,409
good to see you.
517
00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:19,846
Yeah, for me too, for me
to see you good. Yeah.
518
00:17:20,682 --> 00:17:22,348
Uh, hey, come here.
519
00:17:22,350 --> 00:17:25,418
Oh, uh-uh, I'm-I'm
actually a little sick.
520
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,186
Uh, that's what these tissues are for.
521
00:17:27,188 --> 00:17:29,322
Like, I got a little
case of the sniffles.
522
00:17:29,324 --> 00:17:30,990
Oh, c-come on.
523
00:17:30,992 --> 00:17:34,427
I don't care, friends share
their airborne pathogens.
524
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:35,695
(both chuckle)
525
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:40,066
(exhales) You know, Tommy,
526
00:17:40,068 --> 00:17:43,536
you are one lucky little dude
to have Rebecca as a babysitter.
527
00:17:43,538 --> 00:17:45,705
Yeah, she's not bad.
528
00:17:45,707 --> 00:17:47,340
Oh, she's more than not bad,
529
00:17:47,342 --> 00:17:49,309
she's Rebecca Bunch, she's the greatest.
530
00:17:49,311 --> 00:17:50,677
531
00:17:50,679 --> 00:17:53,313
(chuckles) "The greatest,"
that's so nice of you.
532
00:17:53,315 --> 00:17:54,547
That's nice Isn't that nice?
533
00:17:54,549 --> 00:17:58,384
Being hyperbolic, with the...
534
00:17:58,386 --> 00:18:00,687
Yes, just a quart of chicken soup.
535
00:18:00,689 --> 00:18:02,755
And, sorry, just to be clear,
536
00:18:02,757 --> 00:18:05,024
you do not have matzo balls, correct?
537
00:18:05,026 --> 00:18:06,993
No, it's okay, I've just... (scoffs)
538
00:18:06,995 --> 00:18:09,595
... never heard of chicken soup
without them, but okay.
539
00:18:09,597 --> 00:18:13,099
Yes, so send to Josh Chan at Aloha Tech.
540
00:18:13,101 --> 00:18:15,735
All right, now, for the note,
grab a pen. All right.
541
00:18:15,737 --> 00:18:18,037
Hey, Tommy, what do you think
the note should say?
542
00:18:18,039 --> 00:18:19,806
I want it to convey
"I still really care about you,
543
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:21,107
"but not in a needy way.
544
00:18:21,109 --> 00:18:25,411
Just like in a friend way,
'cause I'm nurturing."
545
00:18:25,413 --> 00:18:26,946
Okay, I'll handle it, never mind.
546
00:18:26,948 --> 00:18:28,047
Hi, yes.
547
00:18:28,049 --> 00:18:29,415
Ready for the note? Great.
548
00:18:29,417 --> 00:18:30,817
(clears throat)
549
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,886
"Dear Josh Chan... "
550
00:18:33,888 --> 00:18:36,122
Actually, you know what?
Don't say "Chan," just "Josh."
551
00:18:36,124 --> 00:18:38,257
No, don't write "Just Josh." Just...
552
00:18:38,259 --> 00:18:42,328
No, no, write just "Josh,"
don't write the word "Just."
553
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,097
Okay, never mind, let's start over.
554
00:18:44,099 --> 00:18:46,199
You ready? Okay.
555
00:18:46,201 --> 00:18:47,867
"Dear Josh...
556
00:18:47,869 --> 00:18:49,068
(sighs)
557
00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:53,239
... enclosed in this
humble plastic container,
558
00:18:53,241 --> 00:18:57,276
you will find an invitation
to a healing slumber.
559
00:18:57,278 --> 00:18:58,745
To sleep...
560
00:18:58,747 --> 00:19:00,580
perchance to dream.
561
00:19:00,582 --> 00:19:03,149
Always, in friendship,
562
00:19:03,151 --> 00:19:04,717
Rebecca N. Bunch."
563
00:19:04,719 --> 00:19:07,787
Okay, read it back to me.
564
00:19:07,789 --> 00:19:10,089
Uh-huh.
565
00:19:10,091 --> 00:19:12,291
Yeah, uh-huh.
566
00:19:12,293 --> 00:19:16,062
Okay, take out the "Always."
567
00:19:16,064 --> 00:19:17,497
Great note, Dave, do that, yeah.
568
00:19:17,499 --> 00:19:18,931
Also take out the "N."
569
00:19:18,933 --> 00:19:20,333
Too formal, I agree.
570
00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:22,301
Okay. Thanks.
571
00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:24,837
(sighs deeply)
572
00:19:24,839 --> 00:19:26,672
(zipper pulls) Just to let
you know, I would do that
573
00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:27,774
for any sick friend.
574
00:19:27,776 --> 00:19:30,843
Not doing it just 'cause it's Josh.
575
00:19:30,845 --> 00:19:32,612
He did look really sick, though.
576
00:19:32,614 --> 00:19:35,281
Do you think Anna's taking care of him?
577
00:19:35,283 --> 00:19:37,617
I mean, 'cause here's this guy,
green to the gills,
578
00:19:37,619 --> 00:19:38,684
getting his own tissues.
579
00:19:38,686 --> 00:19:41,020
Why? 'Cause she's busy with eyebrows?
580
00:19:41,022 --> 00:19:43,923
(chuckles) Clearly, there's
an "I" in eyebrows.
581
00:19:43,925 --> 00:19:46,192
You know what I'm saying?
582
00:19:46,194 --> 00:19:48,127
Feel free to weigh in, Tommy-o!
583
00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:49,295
Tommy boy!
584
00:19:49,297 --> 00:19:52,732
Oh, my God, can you just stop talking?
585
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,467
I'm trying to look at boobs.
586
00:19:54,469 --> 00:19:55,668
(gasps softly)
587
00:19:55,670 --> 00:19:58,571
Thomas No-Idea-What-
Your-Middle-Name-Is Proctor.
588
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:01,574
Is this an adult-themed publication?
589
00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:05,111
You gave me five months'
allowance and no guidelines.
590
00:20:06,014 --> 00:20:07,380
(clicks tongue) Okay.
591
00:20:07,382 --> 00:20:10,283
So, Tommy, you're not in trouble.
592
00:20:10,285 --> 00:20:12,718
But I think it's important that you know
593
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,354
that pornography does
not accurately reflect
594
00:20:15,356 --> 00:20:17,023
adult sexual behavior.
595
00:20:17,025 --> 00:20:18,409
Do you, like, always
make these big speeches?
596
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:19,659
Yes, I do.
597
00:20:19,661 --> 00:20:21,461
(under his breath): Ah, man.
So let's put it this way.
598
00:20:21,463 --> 00:20:23,830
Pornography is to sex,
599
00:20:23,832 --> 00:20:26,199
as superhero movies
are to seventh grade.
600
00:20:26,201 --> 00:20:27,333
Do you get what I'm saying?
601
00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:29,469
Yeah, you're saying that seventh grade
602
00:20:29,471 --> 00:20:30,937
is going to be awesome.
603
00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:32,805
604
00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:34,073
(quietly): No.
605
00:20:34,075 --> 00:20:37,510
(sniffling)
606
00:20:37,512 --> 00:20:39,078
Hey, delivery for you.
607
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,513
Chicken soup.
608
00:20:40,515 --> 00:20:42,548
Oh, that is so nice of you.
609
00:20:42,550 --> 00:20:43,649
Thank you, Alex.
610
00:20:43,651 --> 00:20:45,418
(chuckles) It's not from me.
611
00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:47,353
There's something on the
bottom, it's all wet.
612
00:20:47,355 --> 00:20:50,991
- Is that a note?
- No, it can't be a note. Ooh.
613
00:20:51,593 --> 00:20:53,726
Who put this crazy-long
of a note in a soup delivery?
614
00:20:53,728 --> 00:20:54,894
(chuckles)
615
00:20:54,896 --> 00:20:56,829
Must be a shopping list
or something.
616
00:20:56,831 --> 00:20:57,964
I guess you have a
617
00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,732
anonymous soup fairy.
618
00:20:59,734 --> 00:21:01,300
No, I know who it is.
619
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:02,835
My girlfriend Anna.
620
00:21:02,837 --> 00:21:05,037
Oh, she's the best.
621
00:21:05,039 --> 00:21:06,973
This is exactly what I love about her.
622
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:09,041
I mean, who else would take
the time out of their day
623
00:21:09,043 --> 00:21:10,676
to take care of me?
624
00:21:10,678 --> 00:21:12,979
I got to get a selfie with
this soup and tag her.
625
00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:14,080
Can you take it?
626
00:21:14,082 --> 00:21:16,682
I mean, I can, but then
it's a not selfie.
627
00:21:16,684 --> 00:21:18,284
It's a picture with myselfie.
628
00:21:18,286 --> 00:21:19,952
So, it's a selfie.
629
00:21:19,954 --> 00:21:22,054
How do you not see that?
630
00:21:22,056 --> 00:21:23,990
Got me there, bro.
631
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,992
- Chicken soup!
- (camera snaps)
632
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:28,261
So you're on Instagram?
633
00:21:28,263 --> 00:21:29,929
But I thought you had to be at least 13?
634
00:21:29,931 --> 00:21:31,030
(laughing)
635
00:21:31,032 --> 00:21:33,366
Okay, well, I hope your account
is private.
636
00:21:33,368 --> 00:21:35,101
Why? I've made a lot of friends.
637
00:21:35,103 --> 00:21:36,869
Men who like bird-watching,
638
00:21:36,871 --> 00:21:38,170
men who fly drones,
639
00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:39,205
men who build basements.
640
00:21:39,207 --> 00:21:40,873
Okay, Tommy, let's, um...
641
00:21:40,875 --> 00:21:41,941
let's have a talk.
642
00:21:41,943 --> 00:21:43,709
- (groans)
- It's another little lecture.
643
00:21:43,711 --> 00:21:46,178
So, you need to understand
how preteen boys
644
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,547
are viewed by...
645
00:21:47,549 --> 00:21:50,216
some men with, let's say,
personal issues.
646
00:21:50,218 --> 00:21:51,884
Now, it's not just men.
647
00:21:51,886 --> 00:21:53,819
Female phys ed teachers can
also be a problem, but you...
648
00:21:53,821 --> 00:21:54,954
- (phone chimes)
- ... have to be vigilant.
649
00:21:54,956 --> 00:21:55,922
Oh, my God!
650
00:21:55,924 --> 00:21:57,290
- (gasping)
- What's wrong?
651
00:21:57,292 --> 00:22:00,526
Josh posted a selfie
of himself with the soup.
652
00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:01,694
That's not a selfie.
653
00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:02,762
Someone else took that photo.
654
00:22:02,764 --> 00:22:04,363
Okay, whatevs.
655
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:05,698
(shrieking) No!
656
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,567
(gasping)
657
00:22:07,569 --> 00:22:08,601
Sorry.
658
00:22:08,603 --> 00:22:11,304
He said, "thank you @annathebrowbarian
659
00:22:11,306 --> 00:22:13,673
the best, sweetest girlfriend
ever, for my soup!"
660
00:22:13,675 --> 00:22:15,942
That... He thinks Anna
gave him the soup.
661
00:22:15,944 --> 00:22:18,444
Well, I can't have that happen.
662
00:22:18,446 --> 00:22:19,679
I got to find him and tell him.
663
00:22:19,681 --> 00:22:20,646
I mean, I mean,
664
00:22:20,648 --> 00:22:22,214
I can't let Anna take credit
665
00:22:22,216 --> 00:22:23,683
for my nurturing instincts.
666
00:22:23,685 --> 00:22:25,718
Nope, I got to find him. Let's see.
667
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,453
Okay, okay, his Instagram says
668
00:22:27,455 --> 00:22:28,754
right now, he's at Spider's.
669
00:22:28,756 --> 00:22:31,490
That's a nightclub downtown
with confusing punctuation.
670
00:22:31,492 --> 00:22:32,692
You know what?
671
00:22:32,694 --> 00:22:33,693
I have an idea.
672
00:22:33,695 --> 00:22:35,061
You go to the club,
673
00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,029
leave me with some
more of those hundos,
674
00:22:37,031 --> 00:22:38,431
and, uh, I'll stay home,
675
00:22:38,433 --> 00:22:39,699
order myself some sushi,
676
00:22:39,701 --> 00:22:40,933
study my magazines and...
677
00:22:40,935 --> 00:22:42,535
No, no, no, no, no, you don't.
Okay, not falling for that.
678
00:22:42,537 --> 00:22:44,637
Okay, hey.
679
00:22:44,639 --> 00:22:46,038
I made a promise to your mom
680
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,139
that I would take care of you
681
00:22:47,141 --> 00:22:49,141
and I take that responsibility
very seriously,
682
00:22:49,143 --> 00:22:50,509
so I'm not leaving you home alone.
683
00:22:50,511 --> 00:22:52,044
Now, come on, let's go
get you a fake I.D.
684
00:22:52,046 --> 00:22:53,379
so we can go clubbing.
685
00:22:58,513 --> 00:23:00,847
-
- (indistinct chatter, whooping)
686
00:23:05,749 --> 00:23:07,382
When did Heather get famous?
687
00:23:07,384 --> 00:23:09,951
Uh, what is this?
688
00:23:09,953 --> 00:23:11,519
I asked for a whiskey on the rocks.
689
00:23:11,521 --> 00:23:13,454
All they have are branded cocktails.
690
00:23:13,456 --> 00:23:16,024
Enjoy your soju peachtini. Soju?
691
00:23:16,026 --> 00:23:17,659
- What is that?
- Dude,
692
00:23:17,661 --> 00:23:19,560
it's the most popular
alcoholic beverage in Korea.
693
00:23:19,562 --> 00:23:20,695
Get woke.
694
00:23:20,697 --> 00:23:23,031
Okay, that is not the
proper usage of "woke."
695
00:23:23,033 --> 00:23:24,232
Whatever, white man.
696
00:23:24,234 --> 00:23:26,901
Hey, what's the big surprise?
697
00:23:26,903 --> 00:23:28,636
Yeah, bro, you look nervous.
698
00:23:28,638 --> 00:23:31,706
Let's just say tonight
could change everything for me.
699
00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:32,640
Could be a real
700
00:23:32,642 --> 00:23:34,542
career move.
701
00:23:34,544 --> 00:23:35,643
What's he talking about?
702
00:23:35,645 --> 00:23:37,779
I have no idea.
703
00:23:37,781 --> 00:23:39,981
Hmm, this is actually not bad.
704
00:23:39,983 --> 00:23:41,182
Yeah, I love it.
705
00:23:41,184 --> 00:23:43,285
I'm gonna bring a
bottle home for my mom.
706
00:23:43,310 --> 00:23:43,985
Mmm...
707
00:23:43,987 --> 00:23:48,089
All right, so your name's
Manuel and you're 27?
708
00:23:48,091 --> 00:23:49,190
Eh, whatever.
709
00:23:49,192 --> 00:23:50,191
Go on in.
710
00:23:50,193 --> 00:23:51,426
I don't care about this job anyway,
711
00:23:51,428 --> 00:23:52,527
I'm want to be a stunt man.
712
00:23:52,529 --> 00:23:54,028
Sorry about that.
713
00:23:54,030 --> 00:23:55,496
Soju?
714
00:23:55,498 --> 00:23:56,564
Excuse me?
715
00:23:56,566 --> 00:23:58,232
Soju?
716
00:23:58,234 --> 00:23:59,701
So Jew?
717
00:23:59,703 --> 00:24:01,035
Okay.
718
00:24:01,037 --> 00:24:02,303
Sieg Heil, bitch!
719
00:24:02,906 --> 00:24:03,905
All right, Tommy,
720
00:24:03,907 --> 00:24:04,906
here's what's gonna happen:
721
00:24:04,908 --> 00:24:06,240
we're gonna go in, find Josh,
722
00:24:06,242 --> 00:24:08,076
tell him about the soup, then leave.
723
00:24:09,312 --> 00:24:11,245
Oh, look, the sign's
grammatically correct.
724
00:24:11,247 --> 00:24:12,380
Spiders'.
725
00:24:12,382 --> 00:24:14,649
No, actually, Mr. Spiders
went into business
726
00:24:14,651 --> 00:24:16,084
with his brother, Dr. Spiders.
727
00:24:16,086 --> 00:24:18,019
So, it's actually Spiderseses.
728
00:24:18,021 --> 00:24:19,821
Actually, that's a common misconception
729
00:24:19,823 --> 00:24:21,222
about how plural possessive works,
730
00:24:21,224 --> 00:24:22,356
but nice try, Himmler.
731
00:24:22,358 --> 00:24:24,192
Okay, let's go. Come on.
732
00:24:26,329 --> 00:24:28,396
Peek-a-boo!
733
00:24:28,398 --> 00:24:29,630
What are you doing here?
734
00:24:29,632 --> 00:24:30,998
I got done early and you said
735
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,233
you were doing something special,
736
00:24:32,235 --> 00:24:33,768
so, here I am.
737
00:24:33,770 --> 00:24:35,603
Oh, my God, you're the best.
738
00:24:35,605 --> 00:24:37,271
- It means so much that you're here.
- Mmm.
739
00:24:37,273 --> 00:24:38,740
Oh, oh, hey, fellas.
740
00:24:38,742 --> 00:24:39,941
Oh, hey Rebecca and
741
00:24:39,943 --> 00:24:41,242
child who doesn't belong
in a place like this.
742
00:24:41,244 --> 00:24:42,310
He's fine.
743
00:24:42,312 --> 00:24:43,311
We're just running an errand.
744
00:24:43,313 --> 00:24:44,645
I'm looking for, uh... For Josh.
745
00:24:44,647 --> 00:24:45,713
H-Have you seen him?
746
00:24:45,715 --> 00:24:48,549
Uh, yeah, I just saw him
with his girlfriend.
747
00:24:49,619 --> 00:24:51,686
Thank you.
748
00:24:51,688 --> 00:24:52,820
(groans) I'm so stupid,
749
00:24:52,822 --> 00:24:54,255
I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, okay.
750
00:24:54,257 --> 00:24:57,959
Listen, she can't know that I'm here.
751
00:24:57,961 --> 00:24:58,786
Why not?
752
00:24:58,811 --> 00:25:01,262
Okay, I accidentally
almost killed her cat
753
00:25:01,264 --> 00:25:03,297
and she thinks my name is Madge
and that I live in Silver Lake.
754
00:25:03,299 --> 00:25:04,699
So you lied to her?
755
00:25:04,701 --> 00:25:06,167
I didn't lie.
756
00:25:06,169 --> 00:25:08,269
You got to assess the context
and the role of the speaker...
757
00:25:08,271 --> 00:25:09,904
- We should go.
- Mm-hmm.
758
00:25:09,906 --> 00:25:12,039
Oh, here comes the Soup-Stealer, duck!
759
00:25:12,041 --> 00:25:14,609
-
- (man whooping)
760
00:25:14,611 --> 00:25:16,544
Oh, Tommy, that was close.
761
00:25:16,546 --> 00:25:17,745
Tommy?
762
00:25:20,216 --> 00:25:22,717
Tommy, can you hear me?
763
00:25:22,719 --> 00:25:24,719
Tommy, can you see me?
764
00:25:24,721 --> 00:25:27,388
Tommy?
765
00:25:27,390 --> 00:25:30,124
Sorry, so I'm not a doctor, so I cannot
766
00:25:30,126 --> 00:25:31,359
diagnose your...
767
00:25:31,361 --> 00:25:34,862
situation, but thank you
for all of your detail.
768
00:25:34,864 --> 00:25:36,998
I thought you were Miss Douche.
769
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,666
Like, that's supposed to
mean something.
770
00:25:38,668 --> 00:25:39,967
Maybe stop douching?
771
00:25:39,969 --> 00:25:41,035
That's probably the cause of
772
00:25:41,037 --> 00:25:42,303
what's going on with you down there.
773
00:25:42,305 --> 00:25:44,639
Whatever, I'll just take
another free douche, then.
774
00:25:44,641 --> 00:25:46,174
Seri... Okay.
775
00:25:47,076 --> 00:25:49,177
Don't douche and drive.
776
00:25:49,179 --> 00:25:50,144
Oh, oh, oh, Heather!
777
00:25:50,146 --> 00:25:51,078
Heather! Oh, okay.
778
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,114
Okay, okay. Lost child.
779
00:25:53,116 --> 00:25:55,016
(breathing heavily):
Crowd. His I.D. says Manuel.
780
00:25:55,018 --> 00:25:56,184
Okay, calm down.
781
00:25:56,186 --> 00:25:57,385
What's happening?
782
00:25:57,387 --> 00:26:00,121
Why are you wearing those
ironic mom half sneakers?
783
00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:01,455
They're not ironic and I really
need your help right now.
784
00:26:01,457 --> 00:26:04,525
Okay, I lost Paula's son in this club.
785
00:26:04,527 --> 00:26:06,694
Okay, just take a deep breath.
786
00:26:06,696 --> 00:26:08,095
We will find him.
787
00:26:08,097 --> 00:26:09,430
This place is not that big.
788
00:26:09,432 --> 00:26:11,299
It's just dark and
full of creepy adults.
789
00:26:11,301 --> 00:26:13,167
- Crap, let's move.
- Okay. Oh, let me see if he called me.
790
00:26:13,169 --> 00:26:14,168
Ah, nothing!
791
00:26:14,170 --> 00:26:15,603
But, but...
792
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:16,871
Oh, he did post on Instagram.
793
00:26:16,873 --> 00:26:18,940
Thank God Paula doesn't
know he has an account.
794
00:26:18,942 --> 00:26:20,708
- Bathroom! He's in the bathroom.
- Bathroom!
795
00:26:20,710 --> 00:26:22,009
Bathroom. Bathroom.
796
00:26:22,812 --> 00:26:24,445
(breathing heavily): Tommy? Tommy?
797
00:26:24,447 --> 00:26:26,113
Tommy?
798
00:26:26,115 --> 00:26:27,882
Where'd he go?
799
00:26:27,884 --> 00:26:29,083
I mean, he was here two minutes ago.
800
00:26:29,085 --> 00:26:30,418
Well, great.
801
00:26:30,420 --> 00:26:31,819
Great. Paula and I are done.
802
00:26:31,821 --> 00:26:33,254
Yeah, 'cause I was making it up to her,
803
00:26:33,256 --> 00:26:34,288
but then I ruined it.
804
00:26:34,290 --> 00:26:36,057
- So, she'll never forgive me.
- Totally.
805
00:26:36,059 --> 00:26:39,093
I think you meant to say
you're upset a kid is missing.
806
00:26:39,095 --> 00:26:40,728
JOSH: Anna, what are we doing?
807
00:26:40,730 --> 00:26:41,762
- Oh, my...
- ANNA: Shh, follow me.
808
00:26:41,764 --> 00:26:42,897
Come here, come here, come here.
809
00:26:42,899 --> 00:26:44,365
What are you doing?
We got to find Tommy.
810
00:26:44,367 --> 00:26:45,766
Just hide, I think he's coming. Okay.
811
00:26:45,768 --> 00:26:49,003
I-I don't think we should be
in the ladies' room.
812
00:26:49,005 --> 00:26:50,671
Hide your feet, hide your feet.
813
00:26:50,673 --> 00:26:51,672
ANNA: It's a unisex bathroom.
They're practically
814
00:26:51,674 --> 00:26:53,441
begging for us to do it in here.
815
00:26:53,443 --> 00:26:54,475
Whoa.
816
00:26:54,477 --> 00:26:55,476
Cool.
817
00:26:55,478 --> 00:26:56,811
(belt jingling)
818
00:26:56,813 --> 00:26:58,145
(zipper opening)
819
00:26:58,147 --> 00:26:59,914
No. (Anna moaning)
820
00:26:59,916 --> 00:27:00,982
No, no, no.
821
00:27:00,984 --> 00:27:02,583
- This isn't happening.
- (Josh laughing)
822
00:27:02,585 --> 00:27:04,485
(sighing) How many times
823
00:27:04,487 --> 00:27:05,686
must I sit in the bathroom
824
00:27:05,688 --> 00:27:09,490
listening to Josh Chan
have sex with another woman?
825
00:27:09,492 --> 00:27:10,491
(Josh breathing heavily)
826
00:27:10,493 --> 00:27:12,760
(Anna gasping)
827
00:27:12,762 --> 00:27:13,895
(moaning)
828
00:27:13,897 --> 00:27:17,265
(whispering) Oh, he's nasty.
829
00:27:17,267 --> 00:27:19,333
I totally get it now, girl.
830
00:27:19,335 --> 00:27:20,868
- Good for you.
- (moaning continues)
831
00:27:25,017 --> 00:27:26,516
Okay, they're gone.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
832
00:27:26,518 --> 00:27:28,218
We got to find Tommy, he hasn't
responded to any of my texts
833
00:27:28,220 --> 00:27:30,253
or my Instagram messages.
I don't know what's wrong.
834
00:27:31,569 --> 00:27:33,569
We heard there was sex
going on in the bathroom.
835
00:27:33,571 --> 00:27:34,871
I was gonna come in and stop it,
836
00:27:34,873 --> 00:27:36,639
but now that I see it's
you guys, carry on.
837
00:27:36,641 --> 00:27:38,508
- I'll just sit here and watch.
- Yeah,
838
00:27:38,510 --> 00:27:39,642
our love is not for your gaze.
839
00:27:39,644 --> 00:27:40,710
All right, come on,
840
00:27:40,712 --> 00:27:41,711
let's split up and look for him.
841
00:27:41,713 --> 00:27:43,012
What she said.
842
00:27:44,349 --> 00:27:45,882
You know, this place is not that bad
843
00:27:45,884 --> 00:27:47,750
for a club in the suburbs.
844
00:27:47,752 --> 00:27:50,353
- For starters, the parking lot is huge.
- Hmm.
845
00:27:50,355 --> 00:27:52,755
So, Anna, do you know
what Josh's big surprise is?
846
00:27:52,757 --> 00:27:53,690
No.
847
00:27:53,692 --> 00:27:55,158
He thinks he can beatbox.
848
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:56,626
I really hope it's not that.
849
00:27:56,628 --> 00:27:59,028
Well, maybe he's a... party promoter now
850
00:27:59,030 --> 00:28:02,231
Oh, he did say he thought this
was gonna be a big career move.
851
00:28:02,233 --> 00:28:03,299
ANNOUNCER: Time for the main event.
852
00:28:03,301 --> 00:28:04,634
Brought to you by West Covina's
853
00:28:04,636 --> 00:28:06,536
premium men's fashion destination...
that's right,
854
00:28:06,538 --> 00:28:07,804
Brody and Bodine!
855
00:28:07,806 --> 00:28:09,872
- Give it up!
- All right.
856
00:28:09,874 --> 00:28:11,874
- (man whooping)
- ANNOUNCER: Our sexy
857
00:28:11,876 --> 00:28:14,110
male models tonight were
scouted from local businesses.
858
00:28:14,946 --> 00:28:17,213
Oh, no.
859
00:28:17,215 --> 00:28:18,715
No, no.
860
00:28:18,717 --> 00:28:19,649
(chuckles)
861
00:28:19,651 --> 00:28:20,750
- No...
- Uh, Anna,
862
00:28:20,752 --> 00:28:22,118
could you go get us drinks at the bar?
863
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:23,186
Uh, with your back turned?
864
00:28:23,188 --> 00:28:24,454
- For the rest of the night.
- Away from us.
865
00:28:24,456 --> 00:28:26,222
Yeah, or go outside and,
uh, That's actually...
866
00:28:26,224 --> 00:28:27,824
- Check out that cool parking lot.
- Yep.
867
00:28:27,826 --> 00:28:29,225
(laughing): What? And
miss the mall models?
868
00:28:29,227 --> 00:28:30,193
Are you kidding?
869
00:28:30,195 --> 00:28:32,261
This is gonna be hilarious.
870
00:28:32,263 --> 00:28:35,465
I mean, this is gonna be the
stupidest thing I've ever seen.
871
00:28:35,467 --> 00:28:37,567
(scattered applause, whistling)
872
00:28:37,569 --> 00:28:39,135
ANNA: Oh, my God, look at that guy.
873
00:28:39,137 --> 00:28:41,204
He's so shiny.
874
00:28:41,206 --> 00:28:42,672
Where is Josh? He's missing this.
875
00:28:42,674 --> 00:28:45,408
- Yes, he is missing it.
- (chuckling anxiously) He sure is.
876
00:28:45,410 --> 00:28:46,476
ANNA: Wow.
877
00:28:46,478 --> 00:28:48,511
Oh, this is good.
878
00:28:48,513 --> 00:28:50,980
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
879
00:28:50,982 --> 00:28:52,281
ANNA: An adult man with a tiger tee?
880
00:28:52,283 --> 00:28:54,617
Love it.
881
00:28:54,619 --> 00:28:57,019
(chuckling)
882
00:28:57,021 --> 00:28:59,322
This seriously can't get any worse.
883
00:28:59,324 --> 00:29:00,757
884
00:29:03,995 --> 00:29:05,628
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
885
00:29:05,630 --> 00:29:06,662
Yep, yep,
886
00:29:06,664 --> 00:29:08,164
yep, yep.
887
00:29:08,166 --> 00:29:10,400
(whistling)
888
00:29:18,443 --> 00:29:19,575
(crowd gasping)
889
00:29:20,979 --> 00:29:22,545
Oh, my...
890
00:29:22,547 --> 00:29:24,480
(Velcro ripping)
891
00:29:32,223 --> 00:29:33,556
Oh, God, I've left my body.
892
00:29:33,558 --> 00:29:35,658
I'm floating over this room
right now, looking down.
893
00:29:35,660 --> 00:29:38,861
Okay, okay, so, that's over now.
894
00:29:38,863 --> 00:29:41,964
It's done. It happened.
895
00:29:41,966 --> 00:29:42,932
Oh, good, he's coming back.
896
00:29:42,934 --> 00:29:44,267
Oh, here he comes.
897
00:29:44,269 --> 00:29:46,836
This is good, 'cause we can
get a better look.
898
00:29:46,838 --> 00:29:48,337
At my boy, looking fresh.
899
00:29:48,339 --> 00:29:50,039
Looking good, dude!
900
00:29:50,041 --> 00:29:51,441
- (White Josh growling)
- HECTOR: You go, boo.
901
00:29:54,412 --> 00:29:55,311
Yep.
902
00:29:55,313 --> 00:29:56,946
- Yep, yep, yep.
- So sexy.
903
00:29:56,948 --> 00:29:58,648
- Mm.
- Mm.
904
00:30:01,820 --> 00:30:03,119
(breathing heavily) Did you find him?
905
00:30:03,121 --> 00:30:04,720
No. He's not in this club.
906
00:30:04,722 --> 00:30:05,721
I looked everywhere.
907
00:30:05,723 --> 00:30:07,457
Oh, this is such a Rebecca Bunch move!
908
00:30:07,459 --> 00:30:09,492
Because all I had to
do was keep him alive
909
00:30:09,494 --> 00:30:11,360
for 48 hours and instead, no, no.
910
00:30:11,362 --> 00:30:12,595
I lost him and I'm
putting him in danger,
911
00:30:12,597 --> 00:30:14,630
'cause I-I'm selfish and I'm stupid!
912
00:30:14,632 --> 00:30:16,332
I'm stupid, I'm stupid!
(exhales forcefully)
913
00:30:16,334 --> 00:30:18,201
Oh, if you're waiting for
me to disagree with you,
914
00:30:18,203 --> 00:30:19,469
that's not gonna happen.
915
00:30:20,472 --> 00:30:21,971
Excuse me, sorry, guys. Hey!
916
00:30:21,973 --> 00:30:23,573
There you are. So...
917
00:30:23,575 --> 00:30:25,508
How does it feel to be
sleeping with a model?
918
00:30:25,510 --> 00:30:26,509
Boom.
919
00:30:26,511 --> 00:30:27,844
(chuckles)
920
00:30:27,846 --> 00:30:29,011
Yeah,
921
00:30:29,013 --> 00:30:30,413
uh, you know what?
922
00:30:30,415 --> 00:30:32,148
I'm not feeling very well.
923
00:30:32,150 --> 00:30:33,983
I think I'm coming
down with that cold.
924
00:30:33,985 --> 00:30:35,017
Uh,
925
00:30:35,019 --> 00:30:36,152
don't worry. Uh,
926
00:30:36,154 --> 00:30:37,320
it's just a couple days
of post-nasal drip
927
00:30:37,322 --> 00:30:38,488
and a light cough.
928
00:30:38,490 --> 00:30:42,925
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
need some time to...
929
00:30:42,927 --> 00:30:44,060
recover.
930
00:30:44,062 --> 00:30:45,161
Oh, great, okay.
931
00:30:45,163 --> 00:30:46,762
You go home and, um,
I'll come over later
932
00:30:46,764 --> 00:30:47,830
and bring you some cough drops.
933
00:30:47,832 --> 00:30:50,066
Maybe we can
take a hot bath together.
934
00:30:50,068 --> 00:30:52,702
Um, you know what,
935
00:30:52,704 --> 00:30:55,371
Josh, here's the thing.
936
00:30:55,373 --> 00:30:57,139
I really was into you.
937
00:30:57,141 --> 00:30:59,141
I know. I remember the bathroom.
938
00:30:59,143 --> 00:31:01,377
Unisexy.
939
00:31:01,379 --> 00:31:03,880
But now, my feelings changed.
940
00:31:04,716 --> 00:31:06,816
Since 30 minutes ago?
941
00:31:06,818 --> 00:31:08,117
I'm... I'm sorry.
942
00:31:08,119 --> 00:31:09,752
It's a thing that happens.
943
00:31:09,754 --> 00:31:11,854
Sometimes you really like someone
944
00:31:11,856 --> 00:31:13,189
and then, a switch gets flipped
945
00:31:13,191 --> 00:31:14,190
and then suddenly, you kind of feel like
946
00:31:14,192 --> 00:31:15,258
you want to barf. (giggles)
947
00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:16,259
I'm so sorry.
948
00:31:16,261 --> 00:31:17,560
When did this happen?
949
00:31:17,562 --> 00:31:19,495
It might be when the sleeves zipped off.
950
00:31:19,497 --> 00:31:21,898
I'm not sure. Oh, God,
I feel really bad.
951
00:31:21,900 --> 00:31:24,433
So, okay, what are you saying?
952
00:31:24,435 --> 00:31:26,035
I'm saying...
953
00:31:26,037 --> 00:31:27,036
we're over.
954
00:31:27,038 --> 00:31:28,671
Over? But we're a couple.
955
00:31:28,673 --> 00:31:30,840
Y-You just sent me chicken soup.
956
00:31:30,842 --> 00:31:32,742
That...
957
00:31:32,744 --> 00:31:35,511
That big tub of chicken soup
you sent me?
958
00:31:35,513 --> 00:31:37,313
W-What? No. That wasn't...
that wasn't me.
959
00:31:37,315 --> 00:31:38,414
I didn't do that.
960
00:31:38,416 --> 00:31:41,284
Well, um... you take care, Josh.
961
00:31:41,286 --> 00:31:43,219
It's been fun.
962
00:31:44,722 --> 00:31:46,822
How did I get here?
963
00:31:49,761 --> 00:31:51,460
Eh...
964
00:31:51,462 --> 00:31:54,063
Wait, she didn't send me that soup.
965
00:31:54,065 --> 00:31:56,766
So, someone else sent me that soup.
966
00:31:56,768 --> 00:31:59,235
But I don't know who sent me that soup.
967
00:31:59,237 --> 00:32:02,338
How will I find out who
sent me that soup?
968
00:32:06,818 --> 00:32:08,418
I was so wrong about Anna.
969
00:32:08,420 --> 00:32:11,154
- I thought she was a nice person.
- Mm.
970
00:32:11,156 --> 00:32:13,056
She's not. She's a poo person.
971
00:32:13,058 --> 00:32:14,757
Wow, Josh.
972
00:32:14,759 --> 00:32:16,259
Watch your mouth. Okay, bud?
973
00:32:16,261 --> 00:32:18,928
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Ah, come on.
974
00:32:18,930 --> 00:32:20,229
It's not your fault.
975
00:32:20,231 --> 00:32:22,131
Was something wrong with my modeling?
976
00:32:22,133 --> 00:32:24,667
Your male modeling? No. Nope.
977
00:32:24,669 --> 00:32:26,235
Very good.
978
00:32:26,237 --> 00:32:28,438
The soup was the thing
that made me feel
979
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:31,641
like she was right for me, you know?
980
00:32:31,643 --> 00:32:34,143
That's what I want in a person.
981
00:32:34,145 --> 00:32:36,579
Someone who's warm and nourishing.
982
00:32:36,581 --> 00:32:38,648
Okay, talked to Dave at the diner.
983
00:32:38,650 --> 00:32:40,450
I thought he wouldn't
remember one soup order,
984
00:32:40,452 --> 00:32:42,285
but apparently the
person who called it in
985
00:32:42,287 --> 00:32:43,686
made quite an impression.
986
00:32:43,688 --> 00:32:45,788
Quoted Shakespeare and stuff.
987
00:32:45,790 --> 00:32:47,457
Ah. So. I guess we know who that is.
988
00:32:47,459 --> 00:32:50,326
- Rebecca.
- Shakespeare.
989
00:32:50,328 --> 00:32:52,295
Rebecca.
990
00:32:52,297 --> 00:32:53,997
That makes perfect sense.
991
00:32:53,999 --> 00:32:56,566
It's her.
992
00:32:56,568 --> 00:32:58,735
Wai... She knew I was sick.
993
00:33:00,138 --> 00:33:02,538
And she hugged me even though
I was contagious.
994
00:33:02,540 --> 00:33:04,273
Oh, my God.
995
00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:05,608
She's amazing.
996
00:33:05,610 --> 00:33:07,176
- Well... uh...
- Eh...
997
00:33:07,178 --> 00:33:08,611
She has her issues.
998
00:33:08,613 --> 00:33:11,047
I mean, Rebecca. Of course.
999
00:33:11,049 --> 00:33:12,715
It's always Rebecca, isn't it?
1000
00:33:12,717 --> 00:33:16,319
Wherever I turn,
everything points back to her.
1001
00:33:17,856 --> 00:33:22,191
Duh, duh, duh, duh
1002
00:33:22,193 --> 00:33:25,228
What was I thinkin'
1003
00:33:27,098 --> 00:33:31,534
It's just, like, duh, duh, duh, duh
1004
00:33:32,937 --> 00:33:37,140
Can't believe that I couldn't
see it all along
1005
00:33:38,276 --> 00:33:43,246
Can't believe that
I could have been so wrong
1006
00:33:43,248 --> 00:33:48,151
Don't know what was going
through my mind
1007
00:33:48,953 --> 00:33:50,186
I'm just, like
1008
00:33:50,188 --> 00:33:53,322
Ugh, God, so stupid
1009
00:33:53,324 --> 00:33:57,326
Looking back on all those times
1010
00:33:57,328 --> 00:33:59,228
Like that one time
1011
00:33:59,230 --> 00:34:01,998
And that other time
1012
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,099
And I'm just, like
1013
00:34:03,101 --> 00:34:05,735
Duh, duh, duh, duh
1014
00:34:05,737 --> 00:34:07,136
Duh
1015
00:34:07,138 --> 00:34:09,872
So obvious
1016
00:34:09,874 --> 00:34:12,809
It's like, uh, hello?
1017
00:34:12,811 --> 00:34:15,545
She was always right there for me
1018
00:34:15,547 --> 00:34:17,814
But I was too blind to see
1019
00:34:17,816 --> 00:34:20,650
Duh, duh, duh, duh
1020
00:34:20,652 --> 00:34:23,186
Duh
1021
00:34:23,188 --> 00:34:26,522
All I know is I got
to do something now
1022
00:34:27,492 --> 00:34:30,126
Either do or say
1023
00:34:30,128 --> 00:34:32,195
Is it like a do
1024
00:34:32,197 --> 00:34:34,197
or is it like a say?
1025
00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:36,999
I got to make a move
1026
00:34:37,001 --> 00:34:38,968
Just as soon as I think of
1027
00:34:38,970 --> 00:34:42,004
Exactly what I got to do
1028
00:34:42,874 --> 00:34:44,207
Wait.
1029
00:34:44,209 --> 00:34:45,675
I got to go get her.
1030
00:34:45,677 --> 00:34:48,911
I got to get her, like,
right this second.
1031
00:34:49,981 --> 00:34:53,015
I'm coming for you, baby!
1032
00:34:53,017 --> 00:34:55,151
Wait. I don't have my keys.
1033
00:34:55,153 --> 00:34:58,087
I left my keys and phone at the club?
1034
00:34:58,089 --> 00:35:00,323
Duh, duh, duh, duh.
1035
00:35:02,393 --> 00:35:04,794
Okay, Paula. So I full-on lost your son,
1036
00:35:04,796 --> 00:35:06,262
but I promise I will find him...
1037
00:35:06,264 --> 00:35:07,530
Paula!
1038
00:35:08,433 --> 00:35:09,999
You're...
1039
00:35:10,001 --> 00:35:11,934
You're home!
1040
00:35:16,118 --> 00:35:18,018
Hey. I thought you weren't
1041
00:35:18,020 --> 00:35:19,953
supposed to be back until tomorrow.
1042
00:35:19,955 --> 00:35:22,055
Well, I wasn't...
1043
00:35:22,057 --> 00:35:24,091
- but then...
- (gasps) Tommy!
1044
00:35:24,093 --> 00:35:26,359
(panting)
1045
00:35:26,361 --> 00:35:29,096
Wow. You two really bonded.
1046
00:35:29,098 --> 00:35:31,098
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
1047
00:35:31,100 --> 00:35:33,266
Over all that volcano stuff.
1048
00:35:33,268 --> 00:35:34,568
Uh...
1049
00:35:36,338 --> 00:35:38,672
Yeah, volcano. Yup.
1050
00:35:38,674 --> 00:35:40,941
- Volcano.
- Yeah. And I already told my mom
1051
00:35:40,943 --> 00:35:43,343
about that bully
that destroyed our volcano.
1052
00:35:43,345 --> 00:35:45,679
- You know. The one that we made.
- REBECCA: Right.
1053
00:35:45,681 --> 00:35:48,048
- R... Yes. Right. And...
- And then he sat on it,
1054
00:35:48,050 --> 00:35:51,151
and it just exploded right up his butt.
1055
00:35:51,153 --> 00:35:52,719
Okay.
1056
00:35:52,721 --> 00:35:54,488
The kid is fine.
1057
00:35:54,490 --> 00:35:57,290
The lava was just made of
chewable mints and soda pop.
1058
00:35:57,292 --> 00:35:59,926
So, no harm done. But I was
just at that child's house
1059
00:35:59,928 --> 00:36:02,562
talking to his parents
very firmly, and saying
1060
00:36:02,564 --> 00:36:06,366
that any further bullying
would result in legal action.
1061
00:36:06,368 --> 00:36:07,501
(sniffles)
1062
00:36:07,503 --> 00:36:10,604
And then I TP'd his house.
1063
00:36:13,208 --> 00:36:14,808
That is...
1064
00:36:16,245 --> 00:36:17,878
... exactly
1065
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:19,613
what I would have done.
1066
00:36:19,615 --> 00:36:22,449
(laughing): That is the truth.
1067
00:36:22,451 --> 00:36:24,784
The truth. It's all
about context, right?
1068
00:36:24,786 --> 00:36:27,320
Exactly.
1069
00:36:29,291 --> 00:36:30,624
Hey, so...
1070
00:36:30,626 --> 00:36:33,894
Paula, why did you come home?
Is everything okay?
1071
00:36:33,896 --> 00:36:37,797
Oh, I just... I felt bad
being away right now.
1072
00:36:37,799 --> 00:36:39,733
I missed Tommy and...
1073
00:36:39,735 --> 00:36:43,703
I just started feeling kind of sad.
1074
00:36:43,705 --> 00:36:45,505
Well...
1075
00:36:45,507 --> 00:36:47,140
I'm here, so...
1076
00:36:47,142 --> 00:36:49,643
we can just be sad together.
1077
00:36:49,645 --> 00:36:52,345
Wow, you are a true friend.
1078
00:36:52,347 --> 00:36:54,648
You have been so great.
1079
00:36:54,650 --> 00:36:57,417
I am so sorry that I ever doubted you.
1080
00:36:57,419 --> 00:37:01,955
I trust you more
than anyone in the world.
1081
00:37:04,359 --> 00:37:06,159
Rebecca, what's wrong?
1082
00:37:06,962 --> 00:37:09,796
- Nothing...
- (knocking on door)
1083
00:37:09,798 --> 00:37:11,831
Who could that be?
1084
00:37:11,833 --> 00:37:14,000
It's late.
1085
00:37:14,002 --> 00:37:15,669
(exhales)
1086
00:37:18,307 --> 00:37:20,307
Josh? What are you doing here?
1087
00:37:20,309 --> 00:37:22,475
I had to come as soon as I knew.
1088
00:37:22,477 --> 00:37:24,044
Rebecca, it's you.
1089
00:37:24,046 --> 00:37:26,213
It's you, you're my Soup Fairy.
1090
00:37:26,215 --> 00:37:27,981
Oh, my God. You found out?
1091
00:37:27,983 --> 00:37:29,049
Yes.
1092
00:37:29,051 --> 00:37:30,784
I know the truth now.
1093
00:37:30,786 --> 00:37:33,954
That soup shows that you're the
one who really cares about me.
1094
00:37:33,956 --> 00:37:37,490
Well, I... I know how sad
you get when you're sickie.
1095
00:37:37,492 --> 00:37:39,426
Okay, uh... Okay.
1096
00:37:39,428 --> 00:37:42,829
I... I'm gonna give you
guys a second. So...
1097
00:37:43,699 --> 00:37:45,532
(exhales) Rebecca?
1098
00:37:45,534 --> 00:37:46,866
I'm an idiot.
1099
00:37:46,868 --> 00:37:49,736
I realize now that all this time,
1100
00:37:49,738 --> 00:37:50,837
it's been you.
1101
00:37:50,839 --> 00:37:53,907
You've always been there for me.
1102
00:37:53,909 --> 00:37:55,175
But...
1103
00:37:55,177 --> 00:37:56,610
but what about your girlfriend?
1104
00:37:56,612 --> 00:37:58,912
We're over. She's a poo person.
1105
00:37:58,914 --> 00:38:00,847
Oh, my God. I thought so too but
I didn't want to say anything.
1106
00:38:00,849 --> 00:38:02,082
(chuckles)
1107
00:38:02,084 --> 00:38:03,049
Hey,
1108
00:38:03,051 --> 00:38:04,884
do you want to go somewhere and talk?
1109
00:38:04,886 --> 00:38:06,152
Just me and you?
1110
00:38:06,154 --> 00:38:08,321
See where we can go from here.
1111
00:38:08,323 --> 00:38:10,223
I, um... I don't know
if I can just leave...
1112
00:38:10,225 --> 00:38:11,191
PAULA: Hey.
1113
00:38:11,193 --> 00:38:12,459
You know what? I just...
1114
00:38:12,461 --> 00:38:13,994
I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm... But I...
1115
00:38:13,996 --> 00:38:16,029
And I wasn't listening. At all.
1116
00:38:16,031 --> 00:38:17,764
I... I just... I just want to say
1117
00:38:17,766 --> 00:38:20,033
that I mean, you... you can go.
1118
00:38:20,035 --> 00:38:22,035
I am... I am fine.
1119
00:38:22,037 --> 00:38:23,470
I promise.
1120
00:38:23,472 --> 00:38:25,238
It's just... This is a...
1121
00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:27,741
It's a big moment. So...
1122
00:38:28,977 --> 00:38:31,111
(quietly) Ah, okay...
1123
00:38:31,113 --> 00:38:32,345
(exhales)
1124
00:38:32,347 --> 00:38:34,848
Josh, um...
1125
00:38:34,850 --> 00:38:36,549
This is...
1126
00:38:36,551 --> 00:38:38,718
- ... this is amazing. (laughing)
- Yeah!
1127
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:40,587
And, um...
1128
00:38:40,589 --> 00:38:42,389
And you need to go.
1129
00:38:42,391 --> 00:38:44,491
What?
1130
00:38:44,493 --> 00:38:45,692
What?
1131
00:38:45,694 --> 00:38:47,927
I have to take care of my family.
1132
00:38:47,929 --> 00:38:52,198
I'm a mom now
and I have other priorities.
1133
00:38:53,068 --> 00:38:55,201
Okay.
1134
00:38:56,204 --> 00:38:59,239
I-I guess I'll go.
1135
00:38:59,241 --> 00:39:00,507
Hmm.
1136
00:39:05,981 --> 00:39:08,248
Oh. But I'm not gonna
give up on you, Rebecca.
1137
00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:10,183
And I'm not gonna give up on us.
1138
00:39:11,620 --> 00:39:13,586
But I am gonna get my car
out of that parking lot
1139
00:39:13,588 --> 00:39:15,021
because it closes at midnight.
1140
00:39:15,023 --> 00:39:17,190
- Hi, Paula.
- Hey...
1141
00:39:21,430 --> 00:39:22,996
What just happened?
1142
00:39:22,998 --> 00:39:25,298
Paula.
1143
00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:27,334
I got to tell you the truth.
1144
00:39:28,804 --> 00:39:31,304
None of what Tommy
or I said earlier happened.
1145
00:39:31,306 --> 00:39:32,605
It was all a lie, okay?
1146
00:39:32,607 --> 00:39:34,174
What actually happened tonight was...
1147
00:39:34,176 --> 00:39:36,910
I went to Spiders' to find Josh
to tell him that I'm the one
1148
00:39:36,912 --> 00:39:39,312
who I gave him soup
and I got Tommy a fake I.D.
1149
00:39:39,314 --> 00:39:41,815
and then I lost him in the club,
I mean, I really lost him,
1150
00:39:41,817 --> 00:39:43,350
Paula. I thought he was dead.
1151
00:39:44,252 --> 00:39:46,119
So...
1152
00:39:46,121 --> 00:39:48,121
I put your son at risk.
1153
00:39:48,123 --> 00:39:50,623
I put our family at risk and...
1154
00:39:50,625 --> 00:39:52,559
I completely understand
1155
00:39:52,561 --> 00:39:56,262
if you don't want to be friends
with me anymore.
1156
00:39:56,264 --> 00:39:58,598
(drums table)
1157
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,433
I've held onto this every day,
1158
00:40:00,435 --> 00:40:02,268
since you gave it to me.
1159
00:40:02,270 --> 00:40:05,205
And I look at it a lot,
especially in the last few weeks
1160
00:40:05,207 --> 00:40:07,140
when things weren't so good
between us, but I-I...
1161
00:40:07,142 --> 00:40:09,342
I don't deserve the Statue of Liberty.
1162
00:40:11,012 --> 00:40:13,947
Did anything happen to him in the club?
1163
00:40:13,949 --> 00:40:16,449
Did anyone interfere with
him in the bathroom?
1164
00:40:16,451 --> 00:40:18,852
- Did he do any drugs?
- No.
1165
00:40:18,854 --> 00:40:22,455
So he just ran around a club
and took an Uber home?
1166
00:40:23,692 --> 00:40:25,325
(laughing) Oh, God.
1167
00:40:25,327 --> 00:40:28,895
Honey, I lost him for an entire
weekend at the mall once.
1168
00:40:28,897 --> 00:40:32,265
He was living in the Barnes
& Noble. He was so happy there.
1169
00:40:32,267 --> 00:40:34,601
Lord!
1170
00:40:34,603 --> 00:40:37,370
I just... I have made
a million mistakes with my kids.
1171
00:40:37,372 --> 00:40:40,306
I mean, he's fine. Clearly.
1172
00:40:41,843 --> 00:40:44,844
Wait... Wait, this is okay...
Are you sure?
1173
00:40:44,846 --> 00:40:46,679
Rebecca...
1174
00:40:46,681 --> 00:40:49,582
you were here for me when I needed you.
1175
00:40:49,584 --> 00:40:51,885
And right now,
you could have sailed
1176
00:40:51,887 --> 00:40:54,220
right out that door
with Josh, but you didn't.
1177
00:40:54,222 --> 00:40:57,290
Instead you decided to stay
1178
00:40:57,292 --> 00:41:01,027
and own up to your mistakes.
1179
00:41:03,999 --> 00:41:06,399
That is my brave little cookie.
1180
00:41:07,669 --> 00:41:09,402
I love you.
1181
00:41:09,404 --> 00:41:10,804
I love you, too.
1182
00:41:10,806 --> 00:41:12,839
(chuckles)
1183
00:41:12,841 --> 00:41:15,074
1184
00:41:17,145 --> 00:41:19,279
- A weekend in Barnes & Noble?
- Yeah.
1185
00:41:22,651 --> 00:41:23,750
Just to clarify, you've
never given birth.
1186
00:41:23,752 --> 00:41:25,585
Oh, no, no, no. Would
not be a good idea.
1187
00:41:25,587 --> 00:41:28,588
Um, mental illness runs rampant
on both sides of my family.
1188
00:41:28,590 --> 00:41:30,757
- Many suicides, many suicides.
- Amazing!
1189
00:41:30,759 --> 00:41:32,459
All right. Let's take a quick break
1190
00:41:32,461 --> 00:41:34,461
to hear a word from our podcast sponsor,
1191
00:41:34,463 --> 00:41:35,728
Truly Butter.
1192
00:41:35,730 --> 00:41:37,630
"When you're trying
to make things right
1193
00:41:37,632 --> 00:41:38,898
with your best friend Paula,
1194
00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:40,967
who you've been kind
of a bitch to lately,
1195
00:41:40,969 --> 00:41:43,870
why not take a break
and eat some butter together?"
1196
00:41:43,872 --> 00:41:47,273
Wow, that is weirdly
specific to my own life.
1197
00:41:47,275 --> 00:41:50,176
It sure is, Rebecca. It sure is.
1198
00:41:51,805 --> 00:41:53,805
Synced and corrected by susinz
www.addic7ed.com
1199
00:41:53,855 --> 00:41:58,405
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