All language subtitles for Crashing s03e03 The Secret.eng

PETE HOLMES:
You guys pee in the pool?

Clap your hands if you pee
in the pool. Don't be afraid.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-You're not ready.

ELON GOLD: I can't believe
Estee didn't pass you.

That was like a solid set.

I'm doing a gig that I think
you'd be perfect for.

Yes.

MODI ROSENFELD:
What's going on over there?

-PETE: Somebody I met today.
-Nice.

-We had sex in a dressing room.
-What?

PETE: And then again
in a bathroom.

-MODI: Two times?
-In one day. A double schtup.

I see a lot of empty seats.

Are-- Are you all saving a seat
for Elijah? Or is that...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

ELON: I spoke to the rabbi.

He said he would love
to sit down with you.

Absolutely.

So, where is Pete?

No. It feels weird.

-What, the hat?
-Yeah.

No, you're just one of those
people. You look good in hats.

-Trust me. Yeah.
-Really?

Yeah.

You look good.
You look sexy.

Okay.

♪ Ain't got no riches ♪

♪ Ain't got no money
that runs long ♪

-(doorbell rings)
-♪ But I got a heart that's strong ♪

♪ And a love that's tall ♪

♪ Ain't got no name ♪

Hello.

Thank you.

Sorry.

(Kat laughing)

-♪ Let me slip through ♪
- ♪ Let me slip through ♪

-♪ Why you tryin'
to hold me back? ♪ - ♪ I ain't ♪

♪ I'm just tryin'
to move up front ♪

-♪ Lil' more of this,
lil' less of that ♪ -♪ Can you feel me? ♪

-♪ Let me come through ♪
- ♪ Let me come through ♪

-♪ I'm tired bein'
in the back ♪ -♪ A'ight ♪

♪ I'm just tryin'
to move up front ♪

♪ Lil' more of this,
lil' less of that, yeah ♪

♪ They tell me I was
born to lose ♪

Kat:
So I have a question.

Where is all this headed?

You mean us?

No, I feel pretty good
about that.

I mean your career.

Um...

I want to get really good
at stand-up.

Okay, but...

But what?

No, that's-- that's the end.

Yeah, but you want to be adored.

-No, no, that's--
-You want everyone in this restaurant

to know how special you are.

You want to be unable
to walk down the street

without everybody seeing you
and recognizing you

and knowing how funny you are.

No, I'm not David Hasselhoff.
I'm... I'm a comedian.

No. Come on. Okay.

Admit that it is driving you
fucking crazy right now

that no one in here knows that
you are the next Kevin Hart.

I'm not-- I'm not
the next Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.

We have a Kevin Hart.
He's perfect for the part.

I'm just a...
I'm a club guy.

I grind it out.
I do spots.

I get better.
That's my--

-You know, Madison Square Garden
and the movies, that's-- -Okay. (sighs)

I'm not-- that's
a different thing.

The greatest honor in my life
would be to be in the scene.

-I just--
-Wanting to be famous

is not a bad thing,
and it's not embarrassing.

I do--
I have a TV idea.

(both gasp)

(sinister laugh)
Tell me.

-It's about a guy...
-Mm-hmm.

...who has kids,
but the public schools stink.

So he pulls them out,
and he starts teaching them in his garage,

but he's really good at it,
right? So word gets out,

and other neighborhood kids

start coming to his school
in his garage.

And that's like--
that's the pilot, I guess.

I've written,
like, an outline.

"Holmes Schooled."

-Yeah, Homeschooled.
-No, no, no, Pete--

"Holmes Schooled."

-No, no I--
-Like your last name.

But it's not for me.
It's just Homeschooled. It's for like a name.

Why isn't it for you? This is
the perfect vehicle for you.

I don't see it for me.

It's like something
I would write, but, you know...

Ike Barinholtz
or maybe Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

I can see your face
on the side of a bus.

You're wearing a cardigan
and you're standing

with your arms crossed
in front of a chalkboard,

and it says on the chalkboard,
"Tuesdays at 9."

-Against Big Bang Theory ?
We're gonna get smoked! -Yeah.

(laughing)

Sure you don't want
to come dance with me?

I do want to.

This is it.
This is where I leave you.

-I'll see you
in three hours. -Okay.

-Three hours?
-Yeah.

That's the entire movie
the Titanic.

(laughing)
I know.

-You'll survive.
-I'll be fine.

-Okay bye.
-Bye.

(singsongy):
Bye. Bye.

♪ ♪

(knocking at door)

Kitty?

-Hey.
-Peter!

-What's up?
-Hello!

-What's goin' on?
-Hi.

Oh, nothing. I just,
I've been texting you a bunch

and I haven't heard back,
so I figured I'd just come over.

Yeah, well, welcome.

Thank you. You've done
a great job, Peter!

Look at these elements,
exposed

just stone
into woven carpet,

and cardboard
and wood. Great.

-I'm actually...
-Oh, okay.

-I have to...
-Sure.

-This is unexpected,
so I don't have a lot of time. -Oh, I understand. Yeah.

Ah, it's just so nice
to sit for a moment.

I brought you a little
housewarming gift.

Please, I don't want
any VHS's of PBS specials you've taped.

(laughing)
Not this time.

-Ah!
-Yeah.

(scoffs)

Mmm, thank you.

Maca root.

-Oh, maca root. Great.
-Yeah.

Incans used to take it

right before they went
into heavy battle.

We use it for a little
help with old...

My dick.

Yeah, your dick.

Thank you.

What are you doing tonight?

-Why?
-My old roommate is a sous chef

and he's opening
a new restaurant.

Tonight's the soft opening.
He gave me two tickets.

It's gonna be you and me
and a bunch of celebrities.

-Really?
-That's what they said.

Kristen Chenowith is a person.
Is that one?

Yeah, that's a celebrity.

Lauren Michaels is
gonna come, and she's--

It's Lorne Michaels.

She's a beautiful
celebrity.

-Nope.
-Yeah!

It sounds amazing.
I just-- I have plans tonight.

What do you have, a show?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

No, I get that. I just--
I've been on the road a lot,

and I'm sort of spending
the night with my girl, so...

You guys see each other
a lot, though, right?

This is kind of
a just-tonight thing.

I would love hanging out,
but I haven't seen her--

I haven't seen her
in like a week, so...

I just want to reconnect,
you know...

But didn't I just--

Did I see you on Instagram
on the High Line this morning?

Yes, that's us on the--
that's her. That's Kat.

-But that wasn't today.
-Oh.

That was a later-gram. Yeah.

Seems like you found someone
that's helped you unlock

that piece of yourself
that lets you be love,

and the two of you are in love
together at the same time.

It's great.

-Thanks, man.
-Yeah.

We'll do another dinner
another time.

I just--
When I'm not so busy.

Yeah, okay.

(chattering)

All right.
See you Thursday.

-Bye!
-Bye.

Hi.

-I'm stinky.
-I don't care.

Oh, no.

♪ ♪

♪ Loving is easy ♪

♪ You had me fucked up ♪

-You're smelly.
-(laughs)

Can I...
Can I tell you something?

-Sure.
-It's weird.

-But it's not bad.
-Okay.

-Um, so you know
I grew up religious... -Mm-hmm.

...and I was never a big,
um, porn guy.

(chuckling)

-Evidenced by the fact
that I call them porn guys. -Yeah, I can't believe it.

No, I-- But, you know,
the Internet came around and everybody was doing it.

So I started looking
at this one girl--

-this one woman.
-Mm-hmm.

And, I don't know, I got really
obsessed with this woman,

and I looked at her
consistently for years, but only her.

Wait, so what are you saying?

You were monogamous
with your porn star?

Yes, exactly.

But she's not a porn star,
she's an adult model.

She just-- It's just her.
She poses nude.

But you look
so much like her...

that the first time I saw you,

I actually wasn't sure
you weren't her.

I mean, it's like--

Um...

That's a weird thing
to tell somebody,

and I should've kept it
to myself and I'm sorry.

And you're-- Hold on, you're
so much more than a--

You're my fantasy,
is what I'm saying.

You're not like
a porn star woman.

I don't even
look at it anymore.

I need to show you something.

-Kitty?
-Wait.

I'm a fucking weirdo.

My thing is-- What?

What's that?
Are you breaking a cold case?

(giggling)

What is--
What are you doing?

It's my vision board!

It's my vision board.

You do... You do vision boards?

Yeah.

-Like for real?
-Yeah!

This is what I want
my life to look like.

Like I want to go to Italy

or, like, learn
how to scuba dive.

But...

-I'm Prince William?
-Yes!

You are the tall, blond, sexy,

-kind of goofy--
-Kitty...

-This is what you were doing
with your porn girl. -Really?

He looks like a candle
that smells like nothing.

Okay, I don't literally want
to be with Prince William,

but it's like your porn girl.

You spent all of these years

pointing your desire and your
intention towards this woman,

who looks like me,
and then we just happen to meet?

No, we manifested each other.

You think I made you--
I mean...

You can't have
all of that desire

and not have it
manifest in the world.

It's the law of attraction.

Do you want to make one?

I have some more
New Yorkers.

-Oh, New Yorker .
-Yeah.

I read Playboy
for the articles,

but I read New Yorker
for the pornography.

-(laughs)
-I've been looking for a photo of Mr. Rogers

or Big Bird,
if you have either.

Ooh!

(as Ray Romano):
Debra!

Yeah? You're into Ray Romano?

I love Ray.
Everybody-- everybody...

Can I have some paste?
I'd like to sniff it.

-I have a surprise for us.
-Okay.

Put your pants on.

Where am I going
that I need pants?

(music playing
over store stereo)

(motor whirring)

(motor grinding loudly)

Hello, uh...

Can we go?

I don't like these
kinds of places. This is...

What do you mean
"these kinds of places"?

This isn't like a scuzzy
roadside jerk-hut.

-No?
-This is The Pleasure Chest.

It's a very classy place,
it's very clean.

-The Pleasure Chest.
-Yeah.

Argh! It's still very hard
for me to be here.

Do you two need
any help with anything?

-I think we're-- Yes.
-Yeah!

So we are looking for something
that we can both have fun with,

but he's sort of new
to all of this.

-(uncomfortable laughter)
-Okay.

Well, I always tell couples
to start with a Bullet.

This is made of medical-grade
non-porous plastic.

-Oh, medical-grade.
-It's great for external play.

-You can do a lot
with this little guy. -Wow.

(laughing)
Oh, it's on.

It's like a cocktail wiener...

for your...
for your wiener.

Hello?

Sorry, I can't cock
right now.

Yeah, I'm going through
a tunnel.

-And then you... Woo!
-Kat: Oh.

(chuckles)

It's fun. Thank you.

Um...

What about this?
It looks like a seahorse.

(scoffs) Well, that's
usually for anal.

Have you, uh,
tried anal?

-Pete: No.
-Kat: Yes.

Well, let me know
if you need any help.

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm trying to lighten the mood.

-It's, you know--
-It feels like you're shaming me.

It feels like you are
trying to shame me

for being into what I'm into.

No, no. Absolutely not.
This is sexy.

-This is fun. I'm all
for trying new things. -Yeah.

I'm happy to be
doing this with you.

-I want to do
this with you. -Good.

-'Cause I'm gonna
put stuff in you, too. -Great.

I'm getting
this little guy.

Hey, Easter comes
but once a year.

And so do you.

♪ ♪

(giggles)

(laughs)
What?

(laughs)
Feels naughty.

We should do
something...

We should so something
wholesome to balance the evening out.

(laughing)

We could go read
to the elderly.

We could blow bubbles
at rescue dogs.

(laughing)

Pick one out.

Um, hold on.

We can get
the train this way. But, um...

No, there's something
that I want to do.

Yeah, but this-- this is sort
of like where I work, though.

This is like my office.

We can just hook around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just come with me.

I have something fun planned.
You're really gonna like it.

-Can we do it at home?
-No, we cannot.

Kitty.

Can we please not do this?

Seriously, this is like
the last place I want to be.

-Please.
-Face your fears.

What are you--
What are you doing?

This is the club you said
you wanted to play.

Here we are.

Okay, this is also the club
I told you I auditioned at,

and it didn't go well.
I-- I told you this.

Yeah, so that's why
we're here.

No, the plan is I want
the booker to forget who I am.

I'm not gonna show up
as some loser guy.

So, what, you're just never
gonna come back here?

No, they key is for her
to forget my face.

-No, Pete!
-Then I come back.

-She has to see you
all the time. -No, she doesn't.

-I'm not coming in here.
-So that she's like, "Oh wait. This guy's got balls.

"There's something that
I missed the first time,

and he's fighting
for what he believes in."

And people respect that.

No, I think
people think it's weird

when you're rejected
from something and you keep showing up.

No, Pete, you need
to be here all the time.

You can't hide.

-They need to get
tired of seeing you. -Listen. No.

-Just trust me, okay?
-Kitty, please.

Please.

This is business, okay?

It's the art of war.

And also, you're not
walking in alone.

You're not a loser.
You're with me, okay?

Hi, excuse us.
We have tickets.

Shit, Pete Holmes.

He's a comic.

I know who the fuck
Pete Holmes is.

Pete, you sitting
in the audience tonight?

-Yes. Yes.
-Yeah?

Don't worry about it, man.
I got the perfect seats for you.

-That is so nice. Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-Should we go? Thank you.
-Yeah. Good.

Dude...

I'd lose the hat if I was you.

It's cool here.
It's smaller

than I thought
it was going to be.

-Very intimate. Very.
-Yeah.

-It's nice.
-This is too close.

-This is too close.
-No!

You are right where you're
supposed to be right now.

Ooh.

-We didn't order these.
-These are from him.

Kat:
Thank you! Cheers!

That is so nice of him.

Cheers.

They're fucking with me.
You realize that?

No, they're sending it over
because they know you,

because you're a friend.

-They're-- that's not--
-You're a friend. Drink this.

These people are animals.

-I'm drinking this.
-Kitty...

-(cheers and applause)
-The greatest thing about smoking marijuana...

(laughter)

...is smoking marijuana...

(laughter)

and then not smoking marijuana
for about a month,

and then smoking marijuana.

(laughter)

Mm-hmm!

So good.

Ladies and people,
our next guest

is a talented man.
Very funny.

Put your hands together
and welcome Mr. Dave Attell.

(cheering)

(cheers and applause continue)

Keep it going for William
Stephenson, everybody.

(cheers)

Dave:
Thanks.

William, two words of advice:
sit-ups. Now...

Hey, guys!

This is a rough and ready crowd.
That's the way I like it.

Let's take a look at everyone.

It's nice to see
my condo board showed up.

How are you guys?
Sorry about the weird smell.

And, of course, the cast
of Hamilton . Give them a hand.

(laughter and applause)

Dave:
And, uh... Oh shit.

Is that...? Yeah, it is.
Hey, Pete. Yeah.

You guys don't know this.
This is a comic, Pete Holmes.

-Yeah, sittin' right up front.
-(light applause from crowd)

Dude...

-What the fuck, man?
-(laughter)

Did you guys buy tickets?

What's, uh... Yes.

(laughter)

She, uh,
she wanted to come.

And you're the girlfriend?

It's our
three-week-aversary.

(crowd aw's)

-Are you guys s-e-x-ing?
-Kat: Yeah.

Yeah? I would love to see
you two scissoring all night.

-It must be crazy. Yeah.
-(laughter)

Miss, can I smell your finger?
I mean, really...

this is just what it's about.

It's the magic of that
fedora hat, I mean, honestly...

You kind of look like
Timberlake without the power

or money or talent.

And, uh, did you
buy him that hat?

You bet I did!

Dave:
Yeah! Nice!

You go out with a girl,
then she starts dressing you

to look like a guy
she couldn't go out with.

Dave:
So evidently,

she has a 1930s reporter
fetish or something.

Yeah, I really wanna bang a guy
that works at The Daily Planet.

(laughter)

(laughing)
I thought I was in the audience.

He looks like any minute,

he might do some
close-up magic for all of us.

Pete...

Pete, you better ice your balls.
This girl is awesome.

Scoot over, Dan.
Hey, you guys are never gonna believe it.

Guess who's downstairs.
Pete Holmes is downstairs.

Whoa, whoa. Pete Holmes
is in the audience?

In the audience?
He's sittin' up front

with this super-hot chick.

I tell you, it's always weird
doing comedy

in front of other comedians.

So, obviously, there's no big
deal here, because...

-Who's this?
Is that your girl? -Yes.

Are things that bad in Russia,
man, that you had to--

-(laughter)
...that you had to--?

So when you--
when you say fedora,

are we thinking Guys and Dolls ?

Like ska band?
Reel Big Fish?

Pete, I gotta say, your beard
looks better than mine.

What is this? Oh, my God!

-Seriously?
-(Mike scoffs)

I don't know...

Let's see.

(laughter)

Who wants to see
what's in the bag?

This is the only place
in America

where democracy still works.
All right...

Uh, ooh, there's a feather!
What is this, tickling?

Is this tickling buttholes?
Tickling buttholes?

I actually think it's gonna
look good in the jazz man's hat.

(laughter)

Oh, we have found lube.
Look, look.

It's a lot of lube, a lot.

What do you have down there?
Pubic hair or a tumbleweed?

Jessica:
What's that-- That's a lot of moisturizer.

Pete, what were you thinking?

It was an impulse buy.

It's right by the register.

-Did you taste this?
I have to taste it. -Pete (laughing): No...

-Yeah, I need to.
I have to taste this. -(laughter and cheers)

It tastes like brisket.

This is cherry lube-- do you
know how juvenile that is?

Like, I used this when I was,
like, 18, right?

Yeah, it's really crazy,
but I'm hungry, so...

(cheering, laughing)

(applause and cheers continue)

He never remembers
anyone's name, ever.

I know, and he's such a legend.
He started with George Barlow.

(laughter)

(cheering)

Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!

Dan:
Oh, there it is. Work it, girl!

Pete, I gotta hand it to you.
You finally figured out how to get into The Cellar.

Pay the cover,
buy the two drinks, and lose your dignity.

-(Mike, Dan, Jessica laugh)
-That's funny.

-You were great.
You really were. -Kat: Thank you so much.

-You know who's really funny?
-We're gonna go, gonna take off.

-This guy!
-Oh! One of the best! Are you kidding?

Yes! He's...
one of my idols.

-He's funnier than
all of you guys. -Babe...

-Pete: Babe...
-That is judgement I trust.

-(laughter)
-Kat: Okay.

I'm just glad
you finally found a fan.

-Okay, um...
-We're gonna go.

No, no, no.
Wait, Pete. Fuck that.

-They need to hear this.
-Dan: Yeah, let's hear it! Let's hear it!

He's really funny.

Aw! He is!

Seriously! No.

Like, you just do goofy faces,

and then you seem like
you might be stoned,

which is
really unprofessional.

And then, I don't know,
you're just--

I don't--
You're just not funny.

-Oh!
-Mike: Oh!

All right, all right.
Calm down, calm down.

Pete:
That was fun.

-Crazy, but fun.
-They're really funny,

but there's a lot
of sadness in that room.

Well, that comes with it,
I suppose.

-Man: You're
gonna eat, right? -Man 2: Yeah.

What?

(indistinct conversation)

-That's Ray Romano.
-I know.

-I can't believe it!
-I know!

You have to go talk to him.

-I mean...
-Right now, let's go talk to him.

I don't know if you can
just go up

and say "hi" to Ray Romano.

He's a comic.
You're peers.

He's a legend.

He's, like, my hero.

The other thing is,
can we just order the two mains

-right at five?
-Ray: No, because then we'll eat 'em.

-Well, we'll eat 'em anyway.
-Yes, but we're gonna eat--

Excuse me?

So, I'm sorry.

Ray:
Sure. Hey, man.

Ray-- Mr. Romano,
I'm a huge fan.

I'm a comic.
I'm a stand-up. I'm Pete.

Oh, okay. Thanks.
Appreciate it.

But you're such
a big deal to me.

The kind of comedy you do,
your story...

It's an inspiration.
I love everything you do.

Appreciate it. Thank you.

Thank you.
This is Kat, I'm sorry.

-How are you?
-I think you're hilarious.

-Hello. Hi, Tom.
-I'm Tom.

-Hi, nice to meet you.
-Tom, nice to meet you.

Pete:
I'm sorry, I don't want to--

You're on his vision board.

Kat:
Just have to tell you that.

Ray:
What does that mean?

Oh, man, don't scare me.
I scare easy.

Kat:
No, it sounds freaky, but it's like--

You take pictures of things

that represent, like,
your goals and your dreams

and things that you want
to achieve.

Then you put it on a poster
and then you look at it.

And he literally today just,
like, cut out a picture of you

and then put it on his board.

Oh, wait a minute.
So you think, what--?

It's like you set an intention,
and then you, like,

you manifest the things that
you want to come true.

-Like The Secret.
-It's The Secret.

I don't want to burst
your bubble, but...

you don't think that's
what got me here.

'Cause I-- I come here.

-But I came here, too.
-Yeah.

So maybe it moved me
to come here, and maybe--

maybe it also,
maybe plant--

you know, I don't know
how it works.

I-- I want free will.
Do I have free will still?

I'm not saying
I made you leave your house and come here...

-Ray: I know. I get it.
-...but, you know, the stars align.

Uh, we gotta go.
We gotta go. I appreciate it.

I just want to thank you
for everything you do.

-You got it.
-He's-- he, like, wants to--

He's got, like, a sitcom idea.

He, like, wants
to do a sitcom.

I do. Well, yeah,
that's-- that's true.

So it's not
just stand-up.

-It's like, what you did,
I wanna-- -Yeah.

I have an idea
about a guy

who's fed up with
the public schools, right?

And, um, so he pulls
his kids out and he starts

teaching them in his garage.

And then word gets out
'cause he's good at it.

-He's good at it.
-Right.

So then other kids
start coming,

and it's called
"Holmes School."

Kat:
His last name is Holmes.

Pete:
Pete Holmes, like homeschool.

So it's a guy who...

who lures kids
into his garage.

Isn't that
a Dateline episode?

No, when you put it that way,
it does sound creepy.

I-- I teach them.

-Is that a sitcom?
Who knows? -Pete: I mean...

You know what? Maybe.
It probably could be.

Put that on your board.
That's what you do.

Take me down,
put that idea on the board,

and then we'll see
if it's magic.

Here's the thing.
Listen to me.

I wanna give you some advice.
You seem like a funny guy.

Get on stage, man.
Be honest, be funny, be yourself,

and, uh...

if it's supposed to happen,
it's gonna happen.

-What's this?
-Don't. Don't do that.

I'm sorry. I got excited.
I got excited.

-We gotta go.
-Pete: Thank you.

-Kat: It was
so nice to talk to you. -Good luck.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-I do like the hat, Pete. I do like the hat.

-I think it's "Phil."
-Ray: It's Phil, right? Sorry.

♪ ♪

(alarm chiming)

-Pete, wake up.
-(groans)

Happy four-week-aversary!

I have a surprise.
Get up.

-Was I funny?
-You were funny.

Oh, gosh.

-(screams): Pete!
-(laughing): What an alarm.

What do you need?

Come on!

-What are we doing?
-Wait.

-I don't want a knish.
-Wait, wait. Cool.

-There. There.
-Pete: What? The bus?

Hold on.

You did that?

Is that everywhere?

It's just that bus.

Just this week.

I don't know what to say.

I wanted to show you

so you would
believe in yourself.

Because I believe in you.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

♪ Chico,
don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard
to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can
lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good
in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know
things will be better ♪

♪ I know they will
for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Well, the Man ♪

♪ He don't
trust you ♪

♪ He thinks you try
to bust up all his dreams ♪

♪ But the Man ♪

♪ He don't
know now ♪

♪ That you've got your own
crazy plans and schemes ♪

-PETE HOLMES: This is it?
-You ever stayed at a comedy club condo before?

Looks like
an assassin's hideout.

-JASON WEBBER: Look who it is.
-Hey.

What're you? Are you working
this weekend?

I'm not sure how to approach
a woman.

Is there anything more creepy
than asking,

"Are we gonna do it missionary?"

I was just wondering if maybe,
I should headline?

Actually, the owner did have
some suggestions for you.

Just smile more.

ALI REISSEN:
You go to McDonald's, you say,

"Can I make sure that there are
no pickles on my burger?"

It shouldn't be daunting
to say to a woman,

"Hey, can I put my pickle
in your burger?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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