All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e04 Sinkhole.eng

"Last Man Standing" was recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Okay, what supreme court
justice do we want to retire?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Nice, and what are the five justices
that we want to stay on forever?

Don't tell me. I know this one.

A little hint. Remember?
The star method... S.T.A.R.

Who are the stars of the supreme court?

Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts.

Sometimes Kennedy when he
doesn't listen to the ladies,

which is a trick you'll learn when
you get a little older, right?

What is that up there?

Grandpa, look out!

Oh, man. Are you good? (Tires screech)

(Sighs) Yes. It's
all good. It's all good.

Hold on a second.

Get back in there. Sit back down.

Okay. Listen.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yes, except for when you
karate-chopped me in the chest.

I had to keep your big
nugget from leaning forward.

It might have tipped us right
into that big hole over there.

That's a really big hole.

It sure is. We fall in
there, we go right to China.

I'd be a communist. You'd
be making sneakers somewhere.

Hold on here a second.

Woman: 911. What's your emergency?

Uh... Well, we'd like to
report a... a missing highway.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

(TV chatter) Oh, hey.

They get to the report on the sinkhole yet?

No. (Sighs) Still on the Middle East.

Another part of the world where we're
kicking ass and taking names. (Chuckles)

It's funny... one thing we
know about these terrorists,

they sure love the monkey bars.

Right here, right here, right here.
Right there. There's the sinkhole. Oh.

Look at this thing.

Oh, my God, it's huge. (Chuckling) Yeah.

Honey, why didn't you
tell me how big it was?

I didn't see it. My eyes were closed.

I was screaming when I got up to it.

That cover collapse is
pretty large for this area.

I hope they've taken a montmorillonite
sample from the epikarst.

We get it...
you're a geologist.

And yet there's a 50/50 chance
she's making those terms up.

- Oh, ha ha ha.
- We wouldn't know.

Well, I'm glad you guys
didn't go flying off the edge

like the end of "Thelma and Louise," dad.

Phew!

I actually cried at the end of that.

What a shame what they did to that T-Bird.

I can't believe you're not
more shaken up about this.

- I mean, look. You could have died.
- I know. I know.

I'm kind of used to
cheating the old Grim Reaper.

Remember that time I slipped
rock climbing in Chile,

capsized that boat in those
class-4 rapids in Oregon,

and rooting for the
Broncos at a bar in Oakland.

- Mm.
- Well...

I'll tell you, if it happened to me, I'd be
halfway through a bottle of wine right now.

So, this happens to you
every night about 8:00?

Oh, you know what?

Hey, you want another chance
to cheat the Reaper?

- Why don't come at me after 8:00?
- Okay.

You're a little wobbly. (Chuckles)

I cannot believe the traffic
getting home from school today.

Is President Obama in town again.

No. That would be another kind of disaster.

There was a sinkhole on Route 93.

It's all over the news.

The news? Yeah, sorry!

If it's not trending on
Twitter, it doesn't exist.

Oh, my God! Sinkhole in Denver.

(Chuckles) Somebody made a funny vine of,
like, a truck flying in and out of it.

It's right there. You can actually see it.

Boyd? Buddy?

Mike, where's Boyd?
Oh, my God, is he...

Mike: Guys, he's fine.

Boyd, my baby! Thank God you're okay. Oh.

Oh, mommy and daddy love you
very much, buddy. So much!

Oh, this reminds me of that time I
almost got crushed by an anaconda.

Grandpa saved me.

- Oh, yeah?
- Good kid.

- Go get your stuff, all right, buddy?
- Yeah.

- Mike.
- Yeah.

You saved my son's life today.

Oh. Ohh! But why are you punishing me?

Why do... why
this? Why this?

Okay. Just accept it, okay? He's grateful.

We both are.

Oh, and, uh, Vanessa, we have
to thank you for today, too.

Oh, well, that's nice,
but I wasn't even there.

Oh, no, the reason that
Boyd was in any danger at all

was because of people like you.

Grandmothers?

Ryan, what did we talk about
on the ride over here, huh?

Uh, the fact that Paxon
Energy, your company,

has been drilling all over that area,

and there is mounting evidence
that fracking leads to sinkholes.

(Sighs) But mostly, we talked
about you not bringing that up.

Her company almost killed our son!

- What?! Oh, come on!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Way out of line there, blaming
Paxon Oil for this or Vanessa.

Yeah, thank you.

They never listen to her down there.

You know, I actually do a little
better there than I do here.

Look, Ryan, cover-collapse depressions
are naturally occurring events.

They have existed forever.

She's right, and before you crying
liberals got involved in it,

that was just nature's...
free swimming pools.

Okay, but sinkholes have
increased exponentially,

and now they're opening up everywhere.

No, no, you're confusing
sinkholes with weed stores.

- Maybe we should talk about this later.
- Maybe.

Or maybe Boyd should hear the truth about
the world that he is going to inherit.

Why don't we hear your
version of the truth, Ryan?

What... what do they call
it in Russia... pravda?

Look, look, Ryan, there is no evidence
linking sinkholes to fracking.

Sure, of course there's not because
you work for big energy...

No! I just meant that... And they're
in the business of picking and

choosing their science to
protect their profits.

Where do you get your
science... Dr. Bill Maher?

Where do you get your
science... Dr. Bill O'Reilly?

Oh, you know what?

Let's not turn this into
a Bill-measuring contest.

Why don't we?

'Cause my Bill is a lot
bigger than your Bill.

Okay, honey...

Why even argue, okay?
You can't settle anything.

Everyone has their own set of facts

and a cable channel to back up
the opinion that he already has.

Okay? No wonder nobody knows
who's right and who's wrong.

I know who's wrong
...he's wrong.

Okay, well, what about
the other consequences

of pumping chemicals into the earth?

You mean like lighting
and heating our homes?

- Uh, no, like earthquakes...
- Ryan...

...methane released
into the atmosphere...

Bird farts?

Fire coming out of the
faucets like dragon's breath.

"Fire out of the faucets"?

Oh, no, honey. No, it's
fine. Don't listen to him.

We should all be scared, Mike.

Our world is a ticking time bomb.

You're a ticking time bomb.

Okay, all right. It's time to go home.

Let's go, sweetie. I
don't want to go out there.

- What if there's another sinkhole?
- Oh, no.

Buddy, it is silly to be
scared of going outside, okay?

Yeah, of course.

Another sinkhole could just as easily
open up right here in this room.

Ohh. What?

Unbelievable. You just terrified our son.

Hey, I got an idea...
why don't you go upstairs

and tell him about the
monsters under his bed,

'cause he's got to know
the truth, right, comrade?

Thank you, sinkhole. (Smooches)

Yes, there's nothing like a natural
disaster to bring out the preppies, huh?

Preppers.

Preppies wear cardigans around their neck.

Preppers wear the goat they just
shot for meat around their neck.

Either way, we're moving

a lot of flashlights and survival food.

I'm surprised you're not selling them guns.

What good's a flashlight when the
hordes are banging down your door

to get your freeze-dried...
"Kiwi compote"?

You've got a well-stocked shelter
in your basement, don't you, Mike?

Oh, don't even think about it, man.

You're a good friend of
mine, but when the end comes,

you're just 160 pounds of protein to me.

Well, we're, uh, both
on the same page then.

(Clears throat)

Listen, people are just
overreacting to this stuff.

It's a sinkhole. It's not the end of time.

Nope. My pastor told us that's
gonna happen on March 13th.

March 13th? That means we
avoid paying taxes in April!

Get your congregation over here.

I'll get them through the apocalypse.

And with this water purifier, they
can drink their own pee, hmm?

Or river water or lake water.

But by all means, use the
pee as a selling point.

This is just fear-mongering, and
I don't appreciate it, you know?

Boyd's dad was over last night,

got the kid all whipped up
over some environmental stuff.

The kid wouldn't leave my house.
Slept at the foot of my bed.

No, you can't indulge
your child in those fears.

It's no big deal. It actually worked out.

He was warm down there, and my wife's
feet are like the polar ice caps.

Which scientists say
are melting. (Chuckles)

I accidentally clicked
a link on global warming.

I thought it said "gerbil warming."

What's the scientists'
position on gerbil warming?

(Sighs)

Those websites are disturbing.

There's got to be better
ways to warm a gerbil.

In my day, kids were
not allowed to be afraid.

I remember once I told my
dad I was scared of lightning.

Right. Yeah, next time there was a storm,
he made me stand in the backyard...

Wrapped in tin foil.

The rest of the story's
a little fuzzy, but...

I think we found another
way to warm up a gerbil.

(TV chatter)

Didn't you already watch this episode?

It's the news.

It's different every night.

Sad places, sad people...
looks like a rerun to me.

(Chuckles)

Well, stick around. You'll
learn something about the world.

I know all about the world.

I was already in it while you were still
busy ruining mom's body. (Chuckles)

Um... Who's the secretary of state?

Oh, that's a trick question.

Which state? (Smacks lips)

See, you guys all watch the news,
you get all angry and stressed-out.

Pop quiz... of
everybody in this family,

who's the happiest and the least stressed?

And you can't say the dog.

Mm-hmm. It's me.

This face will never see a worry
wrinkle, which would make me smile,

but I'm not going to
because, duh, smile lines.

So, your plan is to be clueless?

"Ignorance is bliss"... Thomas Gray

in his "ode on a distant
prospect of Eton College."

You get those quote-of-the-day
e-mails, don't you?

If you know the right things, you
don't have to know everything.

Oh, for instance, that
whole, like, secretary thingy,

they actually don't call
them secretaries anymore.

They really prefer "flight
attendant." Just saying.

Hey, buddy.

No!

Boyd! Where... where's Boyd?

Something short and
half-naked just ran downstairs.

Mandy's here, so... I guess it was Boyd.

(Sighs)

I told him I'd run him a
bath, but then he got scared

that dragon fire would
come out of the faucet.

I'm sorry. Is that actually a thing?

'Cause I would frown, but that's
even worse than smile lines, so...

Boyd! Hey, come on! Let me in!

This isn't safe.

Boyd: Grandpa said the bomb shelter's
the safest place in the house!

Honey, please. Please let me in.

Grandpa also said people
would beg to be let in.

Kid's got a point.

Joe Biden wishes his
bunker was as nice as ours.

That's the vice president, Mandy. Mm.

Okay. I know who Joe Biden is, okay?

He's Barack Obama's Gayle.

Mom (scoffs) all of my
sewing stuff is in there.

How am I supposed to make my clothes?

Hey! Don't touch any of my stuff!

Let's not panic, okay?

Yeah, somehow, we'll
all have to pull together

and survive the great
romper famine of 2014.

Look, he'll get hungry and cold.

Sooner or later, he'll open the door.

Mm, I don't know.

There's enough fabric and
freeze-dried food in there

to keep him warm and fed
through middle school.

Great... he's gonna go through puberty,
and I have mannequins in there.

What?

Whoa, don't you look good?

Ah, yeah, thank you.

(Chuckles) Hi, honey.

I was actually talking to the cookies.

They're for Boyd.

Ooh. Why is Boyd still here?

Well, he spent the day
locked in the bomb shelter.

Somebody told him it's the
safest place in the house.

Well, why didn't you just go get him?

Well, I'm working on it.

I was hoping to draw him out with
the smell of freshly baked cookies.

That's how they lured Saddam
Hussein out of that spider hole.

I'll go get him.

Well, I don't think there's any hurry.

The scratching on the door
stopped 20 minutes ago.

Hey, you're wasting your time.

I have been asking him
to open that door all day.

Boyd, open the door.

Yeah, he probably smelled
cookie on your breath.

Come on out of there.

Don't make me drag you up the stairs.

Why? Does your back hurt again?

Yeah. It's 6:00... everything hurts.

So, get out of there. Come on.

What do got on?

There was a bunch of them. It was cold.

Does it look stupid?

I think you were pretty
smart to stay in there.

Your mom and dad miss you.
They want you to come home.

But I don't want to go
home. It's safe here.

"It's safe here."
Why do you keep saying...

Look, I got to be honest with you, kid.
The world's a scary place, you know?

I'd like to tell you a story
about me mountain-climbing.

But it's probably too scary. I
don't think I should tell him.

Oh, I don't know. It's pretty unbelievable.

Yeah, I don't think I should tell him.

Gets more unbelievable
every time you tell it.

I'm not gonna tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.

I want to hear
it. Ple-e-e-ase?

No, I can't. I can't.
All right, I'll tell you.

Listen, I was climbing one
time in the Adirondacks,

and they had this rock
face, and I was climbing.

Well, the guy didn't have
me, and I started falling.

Whoa.

Whoa? It's more like... (screams)

And then I got slammed down
on this ledge, saved my life.

Wow! You were really lucky.

Yeah, a lot luckier than
the bald eagle I landed on.

Bald eagle?

What happened to the sparrow?

The bald eagle had eaten the sparrow.

Oh.

Point is, I wasn't just lucky.

God is looking out for us.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like at the sinkhole.

Remember? Is that true, grandma?

Of course it's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a
scientist. That's a fact.

Okay? Now, let's go on and take you home.

Okay, grandpa. You can take me home.

(Chuckles) Should I change?

I think you need something
to pull the outfit together.

Otherwise, you go in a different direction.

Okay, come on. Let's go.
Let's get in something right.

Now go upstairs and change into
some real clothes, all right?

So, first it was a sparrow,
then it was an eagle.

What are you gonna land
on next... an ostrich?

You know, I was thinking I'd slip off
an ice cliff right onto a harp seal.

Okay.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Has, uh, Boyd calmed down.

(Chuckles sarcastically)

Uh, well, he did spend the
day hiding in the basement.

Okay. Did he come out?

Well, you keep taking that kid to the
ballet, it's just a matter of time.

He's upstairs getting changed.

Thank you very much.

What did you say to get him out of there?

Well, facts didn't work,
so we tried a little faith.

More of your bogus "God is
watching over us" fairy tale?

You mean the basis of Western
civilization... that fairy tale?

The rest of the family's gonna
miss you up in heaven, Ryan.

Uh, your dad's gonna take you home, okay?

Hey, buddy, I'm gonna
take you home, all right?

I thought grandpa was gonna take me.

No, you're just gonna come with me.

Then I'm staying here, with
grandpa where it's safe.

Buddy, you are safe with me.

You're safe with him. You'll be all right.

Is God watching over you, too?

Well, I don't believe in an
anthropomorphic deity, per se.

I recognize a more universal,
spiritual connectivity.

Then I'm staying here with grandpa and God!

Boyd! Hey! Hey!

All right. What was I supposed
to do... lie to the kid?

No, I think you handled that perfectly.

See? Lying is easy.

Mike: Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

President Richard Nixon once said,
"people react to fear, not love."

Easy for him to say because he was
kind of scary and nobody loved him.

But Nixon's right... to get people to do
what you want, scare the heck out of them.

For example, have a bunch of
scientists convince everyone

the world's climate is changing.

Now, we used to call that the seasons.

Thank you, Al Gore, not
for your inconvenient truth

but for your convenient fib
that you created the Internet?

Wow.

The greatest device in history
for spreading fear, half-truths,

and videos of cats attacking toddlers.

(Baby cries, cat hisses)

Years ago, if a guy put on a robe

and stood on a street corner with
a sign saying, "the end is near,"

it was easy to just say he was bananas.

Well, now that same dude

can hide behind a slick
website in his mom's basement.

And as far as we know,
he's Walter Cronkite.

I have an idea...

Let's stop believing the fear-mongers.

Maybe Nixon was wrong.

Maybe people can be motivated by love.

And I bet you will love saving
20% off a sonar fish finder.

I don't want to spread any fear here.

But if you're a trout, this thing
does mean the end is near.

Hey, Mr. B.

You know, the more I hear
you talk about Richard Nixon,

the more I think history
has given him a raw deal.

He opened China.

(Knock on door)

Mike, we made a fortune this
weekend from those preppers.

We should pray for another sink...

Ah! Sink, sink, sink...

Ah, sink in the bathroom
so we can wash our hands.

You should be careful.

Sometimes fire comes out of those.

Thanks, kid. Mike, can I
talk to you for a second?

Hey, grandpa, what's black
and white and red all over?

Uh, uh, just a whole bunch of things.

None of them are funny, okay?

What? What's up?

What's the big-headed kid doing here?

He feels safe with me.

Evidently, I'm... buddies with God.

Mm-hmm. Well, I told you
how to handle Boyd, right?

You got to send the kid out in
the storm wrapped in tin foil.

Yeah, I was gonna do that.
And then I realised I'm not crazy.

Look, I almost had him convinced to go
home, and then his dad blew it.

So I get to hear the same
joke 80 times in a day.

You got to send the kid packing.

He's got to know you're tough.

He knows I'm tough.

It's his parents that have got
to learn to stand up to this.

You know, you should show
Boyd a newspaper sometime.

(Chuckles) The kid
thinks they're red all over.

Vanessa!

Got called into work.

Oh.

I got a riddle...

What's 4'4" and making me dinner?

Me?

That's right.

Head on into the pantry
and grab any kind of can

as long as it doesn't
have a dog's picture on it.

The runt's still following
you around everywhere, pa?

You know, I used to think it'd
be fun having a pet monkey.

Now I think different.

Oh, thank God you're here.

You got to take Boyd off my hands.

Mike, he does not want to come with me,

so why don't we just put him in your car

and you can follow me to the apartment?

Because he won't leave me alone and
I don't want to move in with you.

You think I like him spending
this much time with you?

You just got to make
the kid feel safe somehow.

Good luck with that, Sally.

She's showing you no respect right now.

Boyd doesn't respect you, either.

Boyd does respect me.

Not as someone who can protect him.

You got to be bigger than his fears, okay?

Mm, that's a tall order for you, Mary.

I get it... you're calling
me different girl names.

You're catching on, peaches.

Mike, false machismo is not
gonna make him feel any safer.

Well, real machismo would be
better, but we get what we get.

You scared Boyd with something
that he can't control,

and you told him that no one
up there's looking out for him.

That left you, which actually
left me, and I am tired!

I don't know how to do
what you're asking me to do.

I'm asking you to be a parent.

- I am being a parent. If you don't...
- Okay. Where is he, huh?

Kitchen.

Boyd, enough of this already.

You've got school tomorrow.

Boyd: Mommy, I don't want to go home!

That's too bad, okay?

I am the mom. No more discussion.

Grandpa, help me!

I can't... I can't help you.

My back hurts. It's 6:30 now.

Oh, I'm guessing that should have been me?

Yeah, except I don't
think she could carry you.

That guy's a joke.

Speaking of jokes...

What is 5'4" and making my dinner?

The guy at Domino's.

Why can't the people in the
Middle East keep it together?

Why can't Taylor Swift
hold on to a boyfriend?

Why can't North Korea join the
rest of the world community?

Why can't Courtney Cox join
the "Friends" cast reunion?

Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?

(Giggles)

Why can't Channing Tatum keep his shirt on?

Unh-unh-unh-unh.

Who knows what's really important?

You do.

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