All language subtitles for Shit My Dad Says s01e13 The Better Father.eng

- Dad, can you pass the sports section?
- No.

- You're not reading it.
- I will.

A paper's like a woman.

If you have to share it,
be sure you go first.

Good morning.

Oh.
Did you get the mail?

Yes, it's one
of the many perks of my job--

Getting to fish the mail
off the roof.

Would you please end the feud
with the mail carrier?

I have no problem
with that man.

I tell him that every morning.

It's a woman,
and you know that.

That's the problem.
Bonnie, this came for you.

Oh.

Why the hell are you getting
your mail delivered here?

Because we live here now, Ed.
I'm family.

No.

We share the same last name,
but, if you were family,

you'd have a crescent-shaped
patch of hair above your ass.

Both: That's true.

This is a letter
from reverend olson.

What, the guy who married us?

Yeah, he's making amends

for all the bad things he did
while he was drinking.

Like what?

Like pretending to be
a reverend and marrying people.

Do you realize
what this means?

Yes, it means he's probably
not a real doctor either.

Let me tell you something.

That pre-wedding physical
was thorough.

Oh, my god.
You guys aren't married.

Mazel tov.

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Now this is a tv show.

Guy comes out, he dances,
he tells a few jokes.

Yeah, that's Ellen Degeneres.

I should introduce him
to my mail carrier.

We have
some very exciting news.

Bonnie, do you want
to tell it?

- No, no, you go ahead.
- I think we should both tell it.

One, two...

Vince and Bonnie
are getting married,

and I'm planning their wedding.

- Oh, come on.
- Tim, screw you.

I'm sorry.
I was excited.

If you don't like my enthusiasm,
you can get someone else.

Please don't get someone else.
I really want to do this.

Anyway, we were just gonna hop
over to city hall,

but we thought,
I don't know,

why don't we just have
a little ceremony?

I mean,
you only get married once.

Well, twice.

Three times.

Anyway, it's gonna be
this Saturday.

It'll be like the royal wedding.

Not so much blue blood.

More white trash.

It's just gonna be
a little gathering.

Well, then, what kind of budget
am I gonna have to work with?

I'm giving you $80.
Surprise me.

Last time I said that,
I woke up naked In a wheelbarrow.

Come on, Bonnie.

We have a really fancy
$80 wedding to plan.

- So, listen, dad, can we--
- No.

You didn't even hear
what I had to say.

Your voice went up.

Sounds like you were
gonna ask me for something.

Oh, come on,
I was gonna make a statement.

Um, vince wants to know
if he can have the wedding here.

Ed says no.

Why not? It's only
gonna be a few people--

Me, bonnie, henry, tim,
[coughs] bonnie's dad,

you know, a couple friends.

Wait, [coughs]
bonnie's dad...

- Is coming here? Why?
- It's important to bonnie.

Honestly, the only reason she
even wants to have a ceremony

is 'cause her dad wasn't there to walk
her down the aisle the first time.

- And you know why he wasn't there?
- Yes, I do.

I'll tell you why.
He was gambling.

In an illegal card game.

In the basement of
Mr. Foo's chinese restaurant.

And do you know who had
to drag him out of there?

Yes, I do.

I'll tell you who had to drag
him out of there. I did.

Dad, that was five years ago.
Terry has changed since then.

He's not gambling anymore,
and he has a steady job.

Oh, really?
What job is that?

He's a lawyer--

Farmer--
industry type who dabbles

in vending machines
or pharmaceuticals.

I don't...

There are two people
in this world

that you don't trust--
a man who can't tell you

what he does for a living

and anybody who wears
an umbrella hat.

Well, bonnie trusts him, okay?

He's the only dad she has,

and she wants him
to walk her down the aisle.

See, I don't get that.

He's a dirt bag.

Why can't she see that?

Maybe you don't understand
'cause you don't have a daughter.

Besides,
people love their fathers,

no matter how terrible
they are to them.

You're dumber
than you look.

Even if he says
horrible things to you.

And you look pretty dumb.

Maybe it's your size.
Your eyes are very close together.

Oh, you know, you just got
to love--you got to love--

You have to love your father.

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Firm grip.
Can't be henry.

It's me. I just--

I wanted to thank you for letting
us have the wedding at your house.

Consider it my gift.

'cause I'm not getting you
anything else.

That's okay. We still have
the mechanical singing fish

you gave us
for our first wedding.

It's a fish, and it sings.
It's funny.

Look, my dad's gonna be here
any minute.

I know you have
a huge problem with him,

but, for me, if you could
just try and be nice to him.

What the hell are you
talking about? I'm nice.

I don't know. Maybe putting
a smile on your face.

What the hell are you
talking about? I'm smiling.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my god, that's him.
Okay, he's here.

Big, big smile, Ed.
[muttering] See... Big.

There-- there you go.

- Daddy.
- Baby doll.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]

Hey-hey, Terry.

Vince, you look great.
Did you lose weight?

No.

You just--you just got
to love your dad.

You just...
Love your dad.

- There he is.
- Hide the silverware.

Ed.

Hide the silverware.

So, daddy,
what have you been up to?

Well, you know,
this and that.

Oh, which is it, Terry?
This or that?

Why can't it be this and that?

Why do you answer
a question with a question?

Didn't you just answer
a question with a question?

- Did I?
- Didn't you?

- Why would I?
- Why wouldn't you?

Okay. Okay.

Wow, it's like being at a dinner
party at Dr. Seuss's house.

- Is it?
- Isn't it?

Oh, Ed!
Ed, stop it, please.

Okay. I'm sorry.

- So how's business?
- Fantastic.

And what business
would that be again?

The kind of business that I'm in.

- And that business is?
- Fantastic.

You know, you're talking
in circles, Ed.

- Ed, be nice.
- I am!

I'm just trying to get a straight
answer out of my friend Terry.

But I suppose
some people never change.

Okay, Ed, I know
what you're getting at,

and, yes, I've made
some mistakes.

Haven't you ever made
any mistakes?

Yes, two.
They're both upstairs.

Well, I'm taking
accountability for mine

and went through
a wonderful recovery program.

It's run by reverend Olson,
who also happens to be a doctor.

I had to go through a very
thorough physical just to get in.

And what's your point, Terry?

My point is that I've changed.

And, as a gesture, I would like
to pay for this wedding.

Thank you, dad,
but you don't have to do that.

No, no, I insist.

I don't have a lot of money,
but I'd like to chip in,

say $500 for some food
and some liquor.

Really, really,
I can't take your money.

I'll take it.

I'm sorry to eavesdrop,
but, at $80,

this wedding was going to blow.

Come on out. I want to see
how you look in your tux.

I'm not coming out. I hate myself.
I'm not getting married.

You're getting married,
Vince.

Just come out.
I wanto see how you look.

I hate myself so much!

Vince, it's the same tux
you wore for your last wedding.

I mean, how much
could you have changed?

Okay, fine, I'll come out,
but no judging me.

Holy smokes,
I forgot how big you were.

You look like a slim
fast ad for penguins.

I yo-yo, Henry.

Skinny bitches like you
wouldn't understand that.

You don't have to work hard
for your figure like I do.

Your tiny hips, your perfect
breasts, they come naturally.

Okay, calm down.
[whines]

Why are you freaking out?

Because my last wedding
pictures were terrible.

This wedding was my chance for
a redo, and now it's ruined.

It's all ruined.

- Vince.
- Go away. I'm ugly.

I'm disgusting.

I'm too thin.

Okay, look,
I know a great tailor downtown.

I'll take him your suit.

We'll have it back
in a couple hours.

And you will look beautiful
on your big day.

You really think so?
You're not joking?

No joke.

Okay.

Thanks, henry.
You're a good man.

Can I get one joke?

All right, fine,
so long as it's not too mean.

We can use the rest
of the material

to make a burka for
the statue of liberty.

That's good.
That's not too mean.

And cover yankee stadium.

That-- that is too mean.

So my original vision was
to have you walk down

a silk carpet through
a garland of roses

and have vince ride in
on a white stallion

to the sounds of a string quartet.
Unfortunately--

The stallion got wind
of it and shot himself.

I'm sorry.

Isn't there some mannish woman
somewhere out there

you can be mocking right now?

Go ahead, Tim.

Anyway, since I only had $80
to work with,

you'll walk down
on butcher paper

while I throw
the neighbor's tulips at you.

The music will be provided
by vlacek,

who I found playing
in front of the rite aid

and is willing
to work for peanuts.

Literally peanuts.
He's insane.

And the ceremony will be
presided over by yours truly,

an ordained minister from
our lady of quickhitch.org.

Okay, Baby doll, I'm gonna go
pick up the booze and the food.

- So you got the money?
- Oh, yeah, we're all good.

- I'll be back in about an hour.
- Great.

Wait a minute.

You gave him money?
Why'd you give him money?

He's just picking up
a few things.

He said he was gonna pay
for the wedding.

Yes, he is.

It's just the caterer wouldn't
accept his out-of-state checks,

so I had to loan him some cash.
Don't worry.

He already wrote me a check
to cover it.

That check will bounce
like the groom's boobs.

You know what, Ed,
this has nothing to do with you.

It has everything
to do with me.

I don't want
that guy ripping you off.

He's not going to.

And, by the way, that guy
happens to be my father.

Well, he's a terrible father.

Fathers are supposed to be
reliable, consistent,

concerned when he has to be,
and there with a smile.

Really, Ed, you're telling me
about being a good father.

The man who told his two sons

that only girls
wear bike helmets?

Their skulls are harder.

I have to go get ready
for my wedding, okay?

And, trust me,
my father will be here.

I just don't want
to see you ripped off.

What do you care, Ed?

I'm not family.
You made that perfectly clear.

We just share
the same last name.

- That's not what I meant.
- Well, I don't care, Ed.

My father is going
to walk me down the aisle.

If you don't like him,
you don't have to be here.

[melancholy violin music]

Not now, Jackass!

- Dealer has 21.
- Siegfried and roy!

That's six hands in a row.

Damn it, mort, if you're
gonna do that to me again,

can I at least have
a cigarette afterwards?

I don't smoke.

- You said you wanted a cigarette.
- I was joking.

You know how people
have cigarettes after sex?

You get it, right?

Never mind.
Nobody here speaks english.

Everybody speaks english.
Your jokes are not funny.

This is a tough crowd.

Well, look who's here.
What a surprise.

How did you find me?

Are you kidding?
Look at you.

It's like trying to find larry
bird in a beijing starbucks.

[laughter]

That's a great crowd.

- What are you doing here?
- It's not what you think.

I think you're gambling away the money
Bonnie gave you for the wedding.

Okay, it's very close
to what you think.

Look, I only came here
because I feel bad

that I can only contribute with $500.

But if I could take that $500
and turn it into $5,000,

I could really make up for
me been at a gambling act.

It didn't sound nearly as noble
when I said it out loud.

Let's get out of here.

Your daughter's getting married,
and, for some reason,

she wants you
to walk her down the aisle.

I can't do that.
I'm down several thousand.

Mr. Foo said if I leave now,
he'll cut off my tau faat.

I'm not sure
what my tau faat is,

but I have a feeling
I'll miss it when it's gone.

- You're gonna be playing?
- No. No.

If you're gonna be there,
you're gonna have to play.

Oh, all right.

Give me the gun.

This is a blackjack game.

Boring.

- How does it look?
- Terrible. Doesn't fit.

I'm sure it fits fine.
My guy's the best.

He's got all your measurements.
I'm sure you look amazing.

I look like a sausage
going to prom.

I thought you said
this guy was good.

He's the best. I gave him
your measurements, Vince.

Here.

These are the measurements
you gave him?

Yes. Why?

- Read what it says at the top.
- Bonnie's measurements.

I get married in two hours,

and you got me a tux
that fits the bride,

which would be great if I
were marrying Ellen Degeneres.

This is a nightmare.
I...

You've ruined everything,
Henry.

Okay, I'll tell you
what you're gonna do.

- You're gonna sit down and relax.
- I can't.

- You can't relax?
- I can't sit down.

Hey. Vince.

It doesn't matter
what you wear.

What matters
is who you marry.

And you get the chance to marry
the woman

you've been married to
for five years.

There's a good shot
it's gonna work out.

- You think so?
- Yes, absolutely.

Oh, yeah.

So I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna go to your closet,

I'm gonna get you
something else,

and you--
you're gonna look great.

- Okay. You're the best.
- All right.

[pants rip]

What was that?
What's going on back there?

Yeap.
You are definitely a Goodson.

- 19.
- I'll stay.

Hit me.

- Ed, you never hit on 18.
- No, you never hit on 17.

I learned that the hard way,
senior year, spring break.

Luckily,
hawaii wasn't a state yet

and the laws
were a little sketchy.

21.
Dealer has 20.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I can't catch a break.

No wonder you love this game.
It's impossible to lose.

- Let's get out of here.
- I don't think I can.

- I'm $2,300 in the hole.
- $2,500.

That's right.
I had some shirts made.

- You sell food and shirts?
- And pet chickens for children.

- That's sweet.
- For fighting.

So this is how you spend the day
of your daughter's wedding?

Gambling in a shirt-making,
cockfighting chinese restaurant?

Ed, I don't know
what to say.

Look, I've got enough here

to cover your debt and to
buy food for the wedding,

So why don't you head on back
to the house?

And we'll pretend
this never happened.

Why would you do that?

Terry, there's a lot of things
you're not.

You're not honest,
you're not dependable--

- You're not a good gambler...
- You're not funny.

But there's one thing you are.
Bonnie's father.

If she wants you
to walk her down the aisle,

I'm gonna do everything
I can to make that happen.

- Thank you.
- Not for you. It's for your daughter.

I forgot my shirts.
See you back at the house.

I'll see you there.
Do you make fishing vests?

Deep sea, freshwater, and fly.

I'll be back.

[clunk]

Just one more hand.

[violin playing]

Where is he?
We're almost out of chips,

the guacamole is turning brown,

and we're gonna lose
the violinist in an hour.

Well, just pay him
to play a little longer.

No, no, I think
he's going to die.

Don't worry.
He'll be here.

What the hell is this?

It's the ice sculpture.

It's a plate of ice cubes.

It's an ice castle.
You gave me a dollar.

[plays la cucaracha]

Holy cow. The sky is falling.

This is the only thing
I had that fit.

I wore this to my
sixth grade graduation.

It is divine.

Where did you say
my father was again?

Out and about.

- Where exactly?
- Here and there.

- What's he doing?
- This and that.

Sounds like your dad.

- I don't think he's coming.
- Oh, relax, will you?

Have some faith.
He's coming.

He's your father. He's not
gonna miss your wedding. Again.

- Ed.
- He'll be here.

- Ed.
- What?

- He's not coming.
- I don't think he's coming.

Okay.
[clears throat]

We can go ahead
and get started.

Places!

Honey, how about we just
wait five more minutes?

It's okay.

Look, I know how important
it was for you to have

Your dad walk you
down the aisle.

My dad is gonna
walk me down the aisle.

Me?

You.

If-- if you're willing.

Of course I'm willing.

You're family.

That's not what you said
the other day.

Oh, for god's sakes, Bonnie.
A man can change.

Have faith in people.

Thank you, Ed.

[violin playing]

Can you try to smile?
It's the happiest day of my life.

What the hell are you talking about?
I am smiling.

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