All language subtitles for Shit My Dad Says s01e04 Code Ed.eng

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You're not gonna drink anything?

There are two things I will
not pay more than $5 for...

Christmas presents
and a cup of coffee.

Yet, when I was nine,
you got me a cup of coffee

for Christmas.

You know what I got for
Christmas when I was nine?

Tetanus.

I think that girl
just smiled at me.

So stop staring at
her like you're gonna

stick her in a pit
in your basement

and go ask her out.

No.

I'm not feeling at my
best these days, dad.

I don't want to get rejected.

Henry, let women figure out
why they won't sleep with you.

Don't you do it for them.

That's oddly motivating.

Thank you.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes, um... can I
have the bathroom key?

Oh, yeah. Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah...

The bathroom's over there.
Yes, it is.

Um, but guess what.

Uh, false alarm.
I don't have to go at all.

You know, it happens
sometimes, you know?

It's like you have
to go to the bathroom

and then you don't have
to go to the bathroom.

Here you go. - Okay.

Anything else?

Uh...No.

I'm just playing back in my head

all the things that went wrong

when I was trying to ask you out.

Oh. That's what this is.

Yes, you know, the old...

Bathroom-key-to-your-heart trick.

I'm Amy.

I'm Henry.

What's taking so long?

I'd have been married
and divorced by now.

Who is that?

That's my dad.

I wish he'd pull the trigger.

Usa today.

It's like somebody
gave a box of crayons

to a pack of monkeys.

That's what they came up with.

That incredibly hot girl?

She's going out with me. - Great.

What did she need?
A kidney or a green card?

Neither.

All I had to do was promise her

that you would take her
aunt on a double date.

What?

I didn't ask for that.
I didn't want that.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, dad,
you almost ready to go?

Yeah. What?

I thought we were going out.
Why aren't you getting dressed?

What's wrong with
what I'm wearing?

Nothing.
Are we gonna drive there

in your forklift or
are we taking my car?

This is how people my age dress.

And since when does
wearing a fishing vest

count as dressing up?

Well, it's a
dressy fishing vest.

All right, just so you know,

I'm doing this for you.

I do not do blind dates.

I am not some single mom
looking to get her groove back.

You know, dad,
you might like her.

Amy told me her aunt
used to be in the Navy.

Oh, great. Some old
lady joined the Navy.

Tell me she played
college softball,

you might have
yourself a new stepmom.

Listen, going on a
double date with my father

isn't my idea of a
perfect evening either.

Well, then let's not do it.

Let me get out of these
uncomfortable clothes

and... and... and relax!

Now.

That's comfortable.

Dad, you have to come.

I promised Amy you'd
be there for her aunt.

Promises are like children.

Fun making them.
Regret keeping them.

This is important for me.

I'm not sure if you realize this,

but things have been a little
slow for me on the dating front

since I moved in with
Andy Rooney over here.

How dare you compare
me to that smug bastard.

Dad, I really want to
go out with this girl.

And she's beautiful.

She's into me.

Will you help me out or not?

- Fine.
- All right.

I'll give it the half an hour.

If I don't like her,
I'm getting the hell out of there.

Well, that would be
the charming thing to do

or we can come up with a code.

That way, if you don't like her,
no one gets embarrassed.

That's a great idea.
Here's the code.

I get up, I say,
"I don't like her,"

and I get the hell out of there.

No, something clever...
Like the weather.

How about this? If you like her,

you say, "the weather's good."

If not, it's bad.

Son, I've been dating since
chlamydia was a first name.

I don't need some stupid code.

H-e-e-e-e-ere's Bonnie!

I promise you that was more
awkward at the grocery store.

What do you guys need?
We're on our way out.

Oh, we came by to pick up
some baby pictures of Vince.

Yeah, Bonnie wants to
hang some up in the house,

you know, so when people come in,

they can see what I
used to look like

when I only had a few hairs on
my head and those chubby cheeks.

So, pop, why you all dressed up?

Yeah, I haven't seen you in
that vest since our wedding.

Henry can't get laid by himself,

so he's dragging me
along on a double date.

I get laid by myself all the time.

Let it go.

So, Ed, you have a date, huh?

Who's the lucky...

who's the lady?

Some barnacle-encrusted old
sea hag that Henry dredged up.

Hopefully she'll
have an eye patch,

so she's only half disappointed.

Why'd you pick this place?

It smells like a
Cambodian whorehouse.

Dad, could we tone
it down tonight?

Let's not mention
whores or Cambodia.

Take away all my icebreakers.

- Gentlemen, what can I get you?
- Coffee.

I'll have a vodka tonic.

Oh, you want a little umbrella

and an Oprah magazine with that?

I don't even drink booze and I
drink harder stuff than that.

It's not girly.

It's a vodka tonic.

If I can get a splash of cranberry
in that, that'd be thumbs-up.

There they are. Amy.

Ooh, hey. Not bad.

Sturdy gait. Got both eyes.

I may stick this
out through coffee.

Sorry we're late.

This one drives like a
Vietcong motorcycle messenger.

I love a good v.C. Joke.

Marla Brooks.

Ed Goodson.

Coffee and a vodka tonic.

Vodka tonic?

Oh, is that what they served
at the sorority house?

It's a vodka and tonic water.

It's a perfectly manly beverage.

You forgot my splash of
cranberry in my drink.

I'd apologize for her,
but that's probably

the nicest thing she's
gonna say all night.

I'm used to it.

My dad usually refers to
my t-shirts as camisoles.

Ha!

Oh, my God.

That's quite a laugh.

Yeah, short, loud,
and reeks of bourbon.

Just like my ex-husband.

Except my laugh didn't
bang the housekeeper.

I love a good
housekeeper-banging joke too.

Well, I think what you're
wearing is really cute.

Thank you, Amy.

I actually have a
camisole like that.

Why do you think it's
funny when she says it?

Look at her.

So Henry tells me
you were in the Navy.

I was in the Navy too.

U.S.S. Glavin. What about you?

Oh, U.S.S. Ingram.

Ingram?

Didn't know it was big
enough to count as a ship.

What'd the Navy do?

Shake it out of a cereal box?

I heard the Glavin was so slow

that the Vietnamese
used to call it,

"oc noi trong bien khoi."

You got a mouth on you.

Yeah, play your cards
right and it'll be on you.

I like him. - I like her.

Have you seen any baby
pictures of me smiling yet?

Nope. Still looking.

Oh, but here's a great picture
of your dad and Dom Deluise.

Oh, no, that's my grandmother.

Don't worry. I take after
my other grandmother.

Okay.

This is unbelievable.

There's not one baby
picture of me smiling.

You know, we can't hang
pictures of a sad baby.

Oh, here's a neat picture
of your dad and Don Rickles.

No, that's my other grandmother.

- Oh.
- You see what I mean?

And then he says to
me the reason he missed

my first varsity tennis match
was because he was busy

finding a bookie so
he can bet against me.

Oh, saying it out loud is
much more sad than funny.

Sad for you. I won 600 bucks.

Hey, check this out.

They got karaoke on Thursdays.

What do you guys say
about coming back for it?

What do you say, Ed?

You up for another double date?

Well, I'm not doing karaoke.

If I wanted to watch
a bunch of jackasses

in front of a microphone,
I'd go to an eagles concert.

Don't make an officer ask twice.

That's quite a grip
you got there, sailor.

All right, but I'm not
singing and I'm not holding

anybody's purse when they sing.

You hear that, Henry?
He's not holding your purse.

I'm gonna get another
round of drinks.

Ed, I'm starving.

Will you do me a favor and
pick out some appetizers?

All right.

What the hell is a
jalapeno popper?

Sounds like something you
get at a gay bar in Tijuana.

Whatever you want, sweetheart.

Ooh, there's that grip again.

A little to the left.

So what do you think about
this weather we're having?

Great, huh?

I'm glad you like it.

You're not happy
with the weather?

The weather's fine.
It's just not my type.

Well, the forecast is
the same till Thursday,

so you might as well enjoy it.

That was awesome!

I think Marla was
really digging you.

I was getting a
definite vibe from Amy.

You know what?
I'm gonna Facebook her.

I don't think she's gonna let
you do anything to her face.

About this Amy girl, Henry...

why was I a sad baby?

Listen. I don't know.
Why is any baby sad?

Crawl around all day long
with a load in their pants.

Nobody knows what
they're trying to say.

Same reason Larry king is sad.

I'm trying to talk to Henry here.

No, you know what? It's okay.

I'm gonna go on my computer
and give Amy a poke.

Pop, Bonnie and I were looking
through my old baby pictures.

We couldn't find
one of me smiling.

Huh, let me take a look at that.

You do look pretty
grumpy in these.

That was right after you told
me that Santa wasn't real.

You know, I was the one
that bought you the bike.

I'm not gonna let some fat drunk
in a red suit take the credit.

Besides, you were three.

It was time you knew the truth.

You don't look very happy
in this one either.

Yeah, that was right
after you told me

to quit the basketball
team 'cause you said

I was too slow. Remember?

You used to call me...

"Kareem Abdul Babar."

Well, I knew the coach
was going to cut you

and I wanted to spare
you the disappointment.

You were the coach!

Look, I haven't got
time to talk about this.

I got to go tell Henry that a girl
he likes doesn't like him. - Why?

I don't know why.

'Cause he wears camisoles
and drinks vodka tonics.

No.

I mean, why tell him?

To help him. It's the truth.

Dad...

Sometimes it's better
to protect your kids

from the truth than it is
to tell them the truth.

Come on.

You think it helped
me in the sixth grade

that you told me that it's too bad

they don't give grades
for being a giant?

Eh, you turned out fine.

Dad. Dad, look.

Henry's different, okay?

Come on, he's a young guy.
He's just starting out.

You can't tell him the
girl doesn't like him.

He...

he hasn't mastered the
art of denial, okay?

He doesn't know how to take
those feelings of shame

and push 'em down.

You know? Deep down.

Deep, deep down.

Know what I'm saying?

Just deep, deep, deep,
deep, deep, deep down

to a place so deep,

that you could still
whistle a happy tune

no matter how bad you're feeling.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say, Vince.

Just keep pushing.

Eventually it'll come
out the other end.

Okeydoke.

Hey, did you want to say
something to me before?

Yes, Henry,
about this Amy girl...

isn't she great, dad?

Look, I know you didn't want to
come on that double date with me,

but I really appreciate it.

This is coming at me at the
right time right now, you know?

So what'd you want
to say about her?

Seems like a nice girl.

- So do you ski?
- No.

Oh, because if you did,
my friend has this cabin

up in mammoth. - I don't ski.

It has a hot tub and a fire pit.

Still don't ski.

Wrap-around deck. It's huge.

For God's sake. She doesn't ski.

Okay, time to get
our karaoke on.

One request.

For those of you planning to sing

creed's arms wide open,
please don't.

First up...

"H" to the "enry"?

That's me.

"H" to the "enry"?

This is so "l" to the "ame."

Henry, what are you doing?

I'm just about to sing let's
spend the night together to Amy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's, uh, not a good idea.

Don't worry.

I'm doing it ironically.

I'm going to sing the on-the-nose

"I want to have sex
with you" song,

pretending not to say
when I actually am,

thus the irony.

It's post-modern.

It's pre-stupid.

Henry, Henry...
Forget about singing.

Let's go home.

Go home?

Are you crazy,
dad? Look at this girl.

My penis is writing me a
"thank you" note

just being in the
same room as her.

Oh, great.

Now I've got two unemployed
writers living with me.

Let's go.

Last call for "h" to the "enry."

Please don't make
me say that again.

- Henry, I can't let you sing.
- Why not?

Because... I'm gonna sing.

What?

Let's spend the night together?

I'm flattered,
but I'm on a date.

Have you got anything
else in the queue?

Rocket man.

Not tonight.

Have you got another song?

Oh, that's good.

What's he doing?

I thought your
father hated karaoke.

He does.

* I'm too sexy for my shirt *

* Too sexy for my shirt *

* So sexy it hurts *

* I'm a model *

* You know what I mean *

* And I do my little
turn on the catwalk *

* Yeah on the catwalk *

* On the catwalk *

* I shake my little
tush on the catwalk *

* I'm too sexy for my cat *

* Too sexy for my cat *

* Poor pussy poor pussy pussy cat *

* I'm too sexy for this song *

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, thanks. Thank you very much.

What the hell was that?

I thought that was
pretty good myself.

Will you please get off the
stage so I can sing my song?

Henry, I can't let
you sing this song.

It's foolish. - It's not foolish.

It's ironic. Give me the mic.

- No, I can't let you do that.
- Yes, you can. Let me...

why the hell not?
Because she doesn't like you!

I didn't want you
to be embarrassed.

There you are.

How'd you find me?

Oh, I put an app on your cell
phone that lets me track you.

Really?

Hold on a second.

Is it solitaire? Calendar?

Husband tracker. There it is.

Wow. That's neat.

Right? Right?

So what's going on?

I don't know, honey.

I mean, you know, I used to think

that I had a fine
childhood and now I'm...

now I'm thinking maybe I didn't.

Here. I've got something that
is gonna make you feel better.

Oh, are those our
wedding pictures?

- Mm-hmm.
- Aww.

Look at this.

Okay, see? There's us
doing our vows. - Aww.

There's our first
champagne toast. - Mm-hmm.

There's me shoving cake
in your face. - Aww.

And there's me shoving
cake in my face. - Yeah.

See, now what do all of these
pictures have in common?

Eh, b-b-b-b-buh...

they were taken by
that photographer

who made out with your sister?

What else?

Uh, oral?

Eh, no.

Vince, I'm not talking about
my sister and the photographer.

I'm just saying look at these.
Look at these.

In all of these
pictures you're smiling.

Well, honey,
of course I'm smiling.

It was the happiest
day of my life.

Then why can't
you focus on that?

The fact that you're happy now.

You are one of the happiest
people I know, Vincent.

Thanks to you.

Actually, you were the
second-happiest person

at this wedding.

Oh, right.
The photographer, yeah.

No. Me! Me, Vince.

Why are you obsessed
with the photographer?

I'm not. I'm just
saying we have, like...

- let's just drop it.
- All right, fine.

Didn't have a good time?
All right.

Let's drop it. All right.

I am gonna go to the gym.
You want to come?

- Yes.
- Are you going to come?

No, but I'll meet you
afterwards for lunch.

- Hey, Vince.
- Hey, pop.

Gonna make some scrambled eggs.
You want some?

I'm meeting Bonnie
for lunch in an hour.

- Is that a "yes"?
- It is.

Hey, Henry.

Father.

- You still angry at me?
- Well, let's see.

You humiliated me in
front of the girl I liked

in a bar full of strangers,
then you drove home

thinking I'd already left.

So we're good?

Dad, why didn't you just
tell me she didn't like me?

Well, sometimes it's better
to protect your children

from the truth than to
tell them the truth.

I don't need you
to protect me, dad.

I need you to be honest.

Vince made me feel that you...

you couldn't handle it.

And, uh, I think I might
have been a tad rough on him

when he was a kid.

I don't want to make the
same mistake with you.

I'm not a kid anymore, dad.

- Then pay rent.
- I'm a kid.

But I'm a happy kid who
can handle rejection.

If one girl doesn't like me,
I'll find another girl.

- Who doesn't like you.
- That was the end of the sentence.

- All right, of course.
- I'll find another girl.

So from now on...

No more protecting me
from the truth, okay?

Deal.

So what happened with Marla?

You gonna see her again?

Well, the way things went
down between you and her niece,

you know, it may
not be appropriate.

She blew you off, huh?

You might say that.

Is he gone?

The deck is clear.

Well...

Thanks for last night, sailor.

I'll call you at 1900 hours.

Okay.

But, you know, before I go,

just do it one more time.

- Oh, no, I can't.
- Come on.

- No, I shouldn't.
- You know you want to.

- I don't wanna.
- Come on, sailor!

* I'm a model *

* You know what I mean *

* I shake my little
tush on the catwalk *

* On the catwalk *

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