All language subtitles for Just Shoot Me s02e01 The Experiment.eng

9:45. It's official.

We now have a crisis
on our hands.

Dennis,
what's the update?

Still no word
on where your bagel is...

But the deli said

somebody did leave
an hour ago.

It's one block away.

What are they doing,
rolling it here?

Well, I was saving
my breakfast

until later,

but I don't
mind sharing.

Dad, I think I saw
some muffins in the kitchen.

Muffins aren't breakfast.

They're cake in a doily.

Man, when this guy
gets here,

I'm gonna rake him
over the coals.

Bagels.
Hope I'm not late.

No, of course not.

I got lost, and then
I got really hungry,

so I ate your bagel.

And when I went back
to get another one,

it was time
for my break.

Don't worry.
Happens to me all the time.

Here you go.

Oh, a 20. Oops.
I forgot change.

Well, then, you'll just
have to keep it, won't you?

Oh, hey, thanks.

And I'll need you
to sign this.

Oh, wait.
That was my old job.

Sweet girl.

Tasty treat.

Are you as amazed
as I am?

Hardly. That's why they
call it the Miracle Bra.

I was referring to the raking

my father just gave
the bagel girl.

I wish he would yell at me
like that.

I could use the money.

She had a good excuse.

Yeah, that she was pretty.

I suppose her eyes did
have a certain warmth,

not unlike
a New England sunrise.

And don't get me started
on that ass.

Maya, I wasn't nice to her
because she was pretty.

I was nice to her
because I'm starving

and I finally got my...
muffin.

It's just so unfair

that beautiful people
get all the breaks.

Oh, my God.

Not the cheerleader
tryout story again.

It's true. They get out
of speeding tickets,

they land better jobs...

Now, let's not get carried away.

Looks might help
with trivial stuff,

but an important job,
no, sir.

No. That's when a little thing
called "nepotism" kicks in.

Hey, hey, wait.

This would make
a great article.

I know. I'll take two guys

and send them up
for the same job...

one guy, gorgeous
but completely unqualified,

the other one, plain-looking
but perfect for the position.

I bet they go
for the gorgeous.

And you know why?

Because the world places
too much importance on looks.

Maya, how did you get
to be so cynical?

Hey, check out this girl.

Do you think her shins
are too long?

What a waste.

You people are so screwed up.

Oh, no.
What's today's sermon?

She thinks
that beautiful people

get unfair advantages
in the job market,

but I have to disagree,

since I certainly didn't
rise to the top

just because of my looks.

No. You get there
because you slept around.

I resent that.

I slept around
because I was promiscuous,

not ambitious.

You people are all warped.

I mean, Dad...

the bagel girl

and the new wife
every 10 years,

and you-

you are so obsessed
with your looks,

you fell in the reflecting pool
at Lincoln Center.

I resent that.

I wasn't vain. I was drunk.

And, Elliott,
when was the last time

you dated a woman who
wasn't absolutely perfect?

Rachel Farrell.

November's cover girl?

Her belly button's an outie.

What a waste.

Uhh!

Jack, your bubbly baby bungalow
has arrived.

Finally.

Hannah is gonna
love this.

You ordered that?

Don't sound so surprised.

This time, I'm gonna be
a hands-on parent.

Dennis, have
someone in maintenance

put this together.

Check.

Wait. You know what might
be even more hands-on?

Actually using
your hands.

Fine. I'll call maintenance.

No. I mean...put it
together yourself.

Ha ha ha.

Like that'll
ever happen.

This guy couldn't
dial information

if you spotted him the 4.

Uh, Maya, um...

there's a Dr. Handsome
and Mr. Hyde

in your office.

You know, Finch,
they're people.

They deserve respect,
you little freak.

I can do this.

I mean, how hard is it

to assemble
a few pieces of plastic?

I'll cancel the rest
of your week.

Hi. Sorry to keep you
waiting. Maya Gallo.

Neil Loemann.
Nice to meet you.

Thanks for doing this.
And you must be...

Yow. Um...Derek.

I thought this would be
good practice

for my acting career.

Right.

So, do you two
have any questions?

Yeah. Which one of us

is supposed to be
the handsome guy?

My agent said I was.

Great. Um...
so I have you two going in

for interviews
at a telemarketing firm.

Do you have your resumes?

Here you go.

I got rid of
the modeling stuff,

like you asked me

on the quote-unquote
"telephone."

"Gap store.

Liaison between denim
and cash register."

And I see you've misspelled
"denim," "liaison,"

and "register."

Way to go
with "cash," though.

I could fix those.

No. It's perfect. Neil?

Here you go.

"Undergrad, Columbia,

"Masters degree in marketing

from London School
of Economics."

Oh, England...

Voted best teeth
in my graduating class.

Hey, me too.

Hey, Nina, have you
seen the proof sheets

for those Ungaro layouts?

No.
I got 'em.

Aah!

Don't ever do that.

What? Do what?

Pop up like that.

Like this?

Don't! I'm serious.
It's not cool.

Finch, you're
trembling.

Yeah, well, you would,
too, if...forget it.

What are you
talking about?

I don't like things
that pop up, okay?

Aw, you're kidding,
right?

Finch, if
something's wrong-

Ah. Forget it.
You'll laugh.

No. No, we won't.
Right, Elliott?

I might. Uhh.

Please, go ahead.

It's not really a big deal,
it's just that, uh...

never mind.

Come on. Come on.

Okay. When I was 6,

my parents hired
a Jack-in-the-box

to come to my
birthday party.

Sounded like a great idea.

Lots of fun, big surprise.

Anyway, all my friends
are there,

pops up,
scares the hell out of me,

and I, you know,
ruin my pajamas.

So now just the idea
of a Jack-in-the-box

freaks me out.

So go ahead and laugh.
It's funny.

Hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Are you gonna
be okay?

Yes...I'll be fine.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

What?

Would it be mean
if we used

this highly sensitive
information

to play a little
practical joke?

Oh, I don't know.
I mean, the poor guy-

We?

We could hire someone,

put him in a Jack-in
- the-box costume

and pop the weasel
out of Finch.

We? Oh, Elliott,
you've never once

let me be part of one
of your office pranks.

Are you sure
you're up to it?

Well, I can be
quite the prankster.

I remember once years ago,
I roomed with Twiggy,

and she loved a particular
kind of mint.

Well, one day when she was
out buying some,

I slept with her boyfriend.

Well, actually, maybe
it wasn't so much a prank

as a betrayal
of our friendship.

That's awful.

I know.

Welcome aboard.

Hey, Jack, you
gonna pick up line one?

It's your broker.

Tell him I'll call him back.

He says it's urgent.

I'll give him a buzz
after lunch.

Aww. You glued your hands
to the desk, didn't you?

Hey, Neil, how'd it go?

I think it went
pretty well.

Personnel director
said I was

the most qualified
candidate she interviewed.

She said I'm a shoe-in.

Wow. Maybe you'll get the job.

Maybe the world isn't
as shallow as I thought.

Somebody's never been to Vegas.

Hey, listen, if you're
not busy later,

i know this great restaurant
in Little Italy, and-

actually,
just north of Little Italy,

which I guess would make that
Little Switzerland, you know?

Oh, hey, that is really nice,

but I kind of have this rule

against dating people
on the job.

It's sort of a journalistic
ethic sort of thing.

Hey, I know
where this is going,

and I'm not gonna
let you quit your job,

all right?
You're too good.

I'm just gonna
walk out this door

while you still have
your dignity, all right?

Scissors.

I'm gonna do this thing
if it kills me.

"With a pair of shears,

cut the plastic backdrop
in half."

"Diagonally."

Shiny.

You're inviting
the entire magazine?

This is my first
practical joke,

and I want everything
to be perfect

right down
to the catering.

Well, I've rented the
Jack-in-the-box costume

and hired an actor
to play it.

Oh. This is gonna
be so great.

What are you guys
talking about?

Uh... my friend,
uh, Betty.

Yeah? What about her?

Well, it seems
that her Chihuahua, Ferdinand

is just mad for paté,

so much so

that at a recent Junior
League luncheon,

Ferdinand,
who was stowed away

in her Louis Vuitton
fanny pack-

Hey, wait. I just
remembered something.

You're boring,
and my legs work.

Derek, hi.

I got the job.

You did?

You would have
been so impressed.

I got through the whole thing
without even giggling.

I knew it. I knew they'd
give you the job.

Good-looking people
get all the breaks.

Do you want to go out?

Excuse me?

You know, like dinner
or something to eat.

With me?

Yeah. I think
you're really cute.

Oh, Derek,
I'm flattered,

but I really
don't think I...

Okay.

Where are the menus?

I'm hungrier
than a Triceratops,

and they had
two stomachs.

Wow.

You really know a lot
about dinosaurs.

Yeah. I learned everything
I know about them

from this really intense
place mat.

I also know all
the state capitals. Quiz me.

Oh, I don't know.

Come on.

All right. Um, Alaska.

Pass.

So...um...

it must be really hard
to be a male model.

Yeah.

How so?

Well, you know, people
are so quick to label.

I mean, who's to say that just
because you're one thing

that you can't be another.
Am I right?

Wow.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Time me.

Maya?
Maya Gallo.

Connie, how are ya?

Aw, jeez.

Can't complain.

Yeah, we just closed
on a gorgeous house

on the island,

and I'm sure
you heard,

Ron made partner
at the firm.

Right. Congratulations.
How ya doing?

Oh, well, he's
hardly ever home,

but, God,
he loves it. Ha!

So, honey,
still single, huh?

Well-

Don't be
discouraged.

I'm sure you're gonna
find your perfect-

yow.

Connie, Ron,
this is Derek.

Derek, hi.

So,
what do you do?

He makes me happy.

Well-ha ha-

my Ron
makes me happy.

Get the car.

Can you come to
my high school reunion?

I didn't go
to your high school.

That's it. It's done.

I'm finished.

This fax just
came for you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

With my own two hands,
I built something

that will bring my daughter joy,

and, Dennis, no one can
take that away from me.

Except the people

at the consumer safety
commission.

That toy
has been recalled.

What the hell for?

Allow me
to demonstrate.

I'm 6 to 18 months old.

Mmm. Tasty. Candy-looking.

I think I'll cram it
down my esophagus.

I'll get rid of it for you.

Come on.

Hannah's too smart
to swallow some toy.

Everyone says
she's a genius.

Who's everyone?
Your butt-kissing house staff

that rely on you
to stay in this country?

All right. Take it away.

What?

We have a meeting?

Oh yeah.

So how's the article going?

Article?

Yeah, that one where
you send the smart guy

and the dumb guy
for the same job.

Oh, um, good.
They gave the job

to the slightly less qualified
candidate.

Really? They gave it
to the bonehead?

I wouldn't call him
a bonehead.

Derek? Oh, please.
I've worked with him.

He once locked himself
to his own bike.

You know... it was
a stupid article anyway.

Instead why don't we have a quiz

where readers try to match up
supermodels with their cats?

No, no, Maya. This is gonna be
a great story.

You were right.

Hey, to be fair, sometimes
I do get a little spouty.

Aw, nonsense.

How the hell do you
lock yourself to a bike?

Can we please forget
about Derek?

Hey, my Apple-pie-a.

Derek.

The funniest thing
just happened to me.

I'm on the quote-unquote "bus,"
right?

And I'm doing chin-ups-

Um, Derek, could we
talk a little later?

Oh, sure. I just wanted
to give you something.

It's a Stegosaurus.

Rrr!

Or...sssss.

Nobody really knows.

Such an impressive creature,

and yet it had the brain
the size of a walnut.

Poor dumb bastard.

You shouldn't
have, really.

Well, you know,

I figured you liked the one
at my place so much-

Could I meet you
downstairs?

Okay. I'll see you

at the quote-unquote
"newsstand."

My, my, my.

Look who fell
off her high horse.

And climbed back up
on a stallion.

Does the word "hypocrite"
mean anything to you?

It certainly doesn't
mean anything to Derek.

Hey, hey, everyone,

let's leave
the poor girl alone.

Who Maya dates is none of
our quote-unquote "business."

Okay, have your fun.
Make your jokes,

but you don't know Derek
like I do.

He's not just a pretty face.

He's thoughtful and intelligent.

I don't care.
I'm keeping him.

Come on, come on.

Where are we going?

Our guy's on the way up.
Here's the costume,

and the box
is in my studio,

all ready to go.

Oh, this is such a rush.

It's like sex,
but no one gets hurt.

Elliott DiMauro?

You're Howie?

That's me, 24-7.

Oh, come on. You can't
fit into this costume.

Is it Lycra?

Yes, but it's still governed
by the laws of physics.

We're screwed.
The prank is over.

No, it can't be over.

Oh, let it go, Nina.

Besides, it's probably
for the best.

What if Finch really
freaks out or something?

He won't, and if he does,
I'll bring him soup.

Oh, I don't know...

Come on. I've never been
in on a prank before.

Oh, sure you have.

Remember when we emptied
Jack's briefcase

and filled it
with bananas

before the shareholders
meeting?

I didn't do that.

You and Finch
just told him I did it.

Oh yeah.

Hey, Finch,

there's a surprise for you
in the bullpen.

What's going on?

The new spring fashion.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Not funny.
This isn't funny.

I'm Jack-in-the-box.

Booga-booga-booga-booga!

Now, that's funny. Yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Well, why are you laughing?
Aren't you scared?

Only that I'll pop a lung.

Elliott, it isn't working.

Oh, I think it's working
just fine.

Here we go. One for the guys
in the warehouse.

Hey, hey, you...
you were in on this.

Nice job,
Murder, She Wrote.

You! You set me up.

Oh, come on. I can't
take all the credit.

You helped.

Nina, what the hell
are you doing?

Have you lost your mind?

Oh.

Jack, hi.

You know, I don't even
know what happened.

I mean, it all made
sense in the dark

with the lid closed.

Hey, I know
what's going on here.

You've been working
too hard.

I'm sending you for a week
to the Caribbean,

and I'm not taking "no"
for an answer.

Okay.

No, you don't wanna do that.

Yeah, yeah. We got
a double issue next week.

Oh, that's okay.
You two can handle the workload.

And by the way, boys,

I never did thank you
for the bananas in my briefcase.

That didn't
turn out right.

Just think-
a hundred years ago,

even if you had a TV,
there'd be nothing on.

Derek, let's just
talk for a while.

Something wrong?

No, no. I just feel
like there's so much about you

that I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure
there's more to you

than modeling
and dinosaurs and...

maybe other people don't see it,
but I do,

and, well, I would just love
to hear what you...

think about.

Hey, and I want to know
what you think about.

This is great.

I'll tell you what,
let's go outside,

get comfortable,
sit under the stars,

and just really talk.

That sounds
really nice, Maya.

Okay, good.
This'll be good.

So what do you want
to talk about?

Art? Religion? Politics?

Wow. Yeah. Politics.
What a great idea.

I mean, people would never guess
that you're the kind of guy

that likes to just sit around
and talk politics,

but you have opinions,
I have opinions,

and come on,
that back and forth,

I mean, that's
what a relationship

is really all about.

Honk!

I have to break up
with you.

♪ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter
What I want to do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's got
A mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

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