All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades s01e01 Return of the Dragoon.eng

I'll have you know,
my uncle is the President.

And when he finds out
about this...

He will indeed be most upset.

Because when we send your headless
body back to the White House,

it will be wrapped
in the flag of England.

And Emperor Napoleon

will rejoice
as your countries once again

go to war!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(NICOLE SCREAMS)

(JACK LAUGHS)

I would have knocked,
but my fists had other plans.

Hey.

You won't be needing these,
monsieur.

Who are you?

No time for introductions,
Miss,

but if you ever wanna see
the good old US of A again,

you'll come with me.

(NICOLE GASPS)
What now?

Sing!

(SINGING FRENCH
NATIONAL ANTHEM)

Whoa.

(SOLDIERS SINGING)

Say, what's your dress size?

Kill him, you idiots!

How dare you!

What I mean is,
how much do you weigh?

Ah, the heck with it.

(SCREAMING)

What did you say
your name was?

Stiles, Miss. Jack Stiles.

Jack, how can I ever
repay you?

Oh! I'd say you're off
to a pretty good start.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Beat it, turkey. I'm in the
middle of some thanksgiving.

THOMAS: Open the door, Jack.
It's Thomas Jefferson.

The President.
Your uncle!

It's about time he found out
I'm not a little girl anymore.

Are you out of your mind?

THOMAS: Jack,
what's going on in there?

What can he do to us?

Oh, for the love of God, the man
wrote the Declaration Of Independence.

He can always finish it with,
"Except for Jack." Now, get going.

Mr. President,
what a wonderful surprise.

May I take your wig?

Jack, I came to congratulate
you on a job well done.

Well, I aim to please, sir.

Good,
because I'm reassigning you.

Undercover, this time.

No kidding.
Where to, Mr. President?

Paris? London?

Palau-Palau.

(STAMMERING)
Pull out of who?

A small island
in the East Indies.

Napoleon's sent one of his
governors there to colonize the area.

Oh.

Listen, Jack, Napoleon's
hell-bent on taking over the world,

and Palau-Palau
is his first stop.

You wouldn't wanna
be speaking French

for the rest of your life,
now, would you, Jack?

Oh, all those silent X's?

My throat hurts
just thinking about it, sir.

Good man. Pack everything.
You'll be gone forever.

Or at least until Napoleon's
six feet under.

Gee, I can't
thank you enough.

Your contact will meet you when
you arrive and explain your cover.

The fate of the free world
rests in your hands, Jack.

Good luck!

Oh, and Jack?

Touch my niece,

I'll have George Washington
chop off your cherry tree.

Luckily, I don't have
a cherry tree.

(SINGING) In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

Oh, whoa!

Slow down there,
Daddy-o.

Hey,
who's your little friend?

Give him back, he's mine!

(GROANING)

Bad man.

Somebody sterilize
that kid.

EMILIA: The Daring Dragoon.

Much as I hate to say it,
Miss, you've got the wrong guy.

Not you, the doll.

The Dragoon's
a local folk hero, a myth.

Say, your English ain't bad.

Perhaps because I'm English.

Ha, thought I recognized
the accent.

Listen, I hope
you're not still upset

we told your King
where to stick his crown.

I'd hate to have politics
come between us.

My dear Mr. Stiles,

you're going
to have to comport yourself

if you're to be
my personal attaché.

Hey, how do you know my...

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
You're my contact?

Emilia Rothschild.

Yes, I'm a woman.
Get over it.

Whoa, sister, let's get one
thing straight right now.

I take my orders
from the President.

THOMAS: Jack, shut up and do
what the lady says, T.J.

That's what I get
for voting.

EMILIA: Here we are.

(EXCLAIMING)

Say, not bad. The King
pays his spies well.

I'll have you know,
Mr. Stiles,

that everything you see here
has been purchased

with profits from
my export enterprise.

Your cover will be
your livelihood as well.

So, tell me, is there
a Mr. Stick-in-the-mud?

Indeed there is.

If you'd like to meet him, just walk
six blocks north to the local cemetery,

plot six A,
and do bring some flowers.

He was a Frenchman.

You see, my husband and I shared a
burning contempt for Napoleon's imperialism

and we established ourselves
here to build our cover.

Sorry. He seemed like
a swell guy.

Let me show you where you'll be
staying till you get on your feet.

It's an illusion,
Mr. Stiles. Come through.

Me without
my marshmallows.

A simple trick of
smoke and mirrors.

It's kind of clever.

Come along.

Welcome to
my laboratory.

(EXCLAIMING)

Wow.

What, are you like a mad
scientist or something?

Only mildly irritated.
Don't touch anything!

(GROANING)

What the hell is this thing?

It's a breathing
apparatus.

Well, it's not
frigging working.

(GROANING)

Watch the hair.

I've had my laboratory
soundproofed,

so we can safely
discuss our missions.

And this is where
you'll be residing. Oh.

So, if I were to, say, have
company over in the wee hours,

you'd snore
right through it, eh?

I suppose so, in theory.

However I didn't think
I'd find it necessary

to point out
this is a secret lab.

Well, that's fine by me. I've
never been one to kiss and tell.

Oh, all right.

At least
we'll have each other.

Mr. Stiles, we may as well
clear this up right now.

You will never find our bodies
occupying the same horizontal plane.

To put it another way,

you will never know
the sensation of my tongue

exploring your forbidden
nether regions.

In other words,

we will never stare
lazily at the ceiling

after a night of
slow lovemaking

and pondering the meaning
of the word "Happiness."

Have I made myself
perfectly clear?

Yeah.

Well, who asked you?

Now, then, the mission.

EMILIA: An infantry
of French soldiers

arrived shortly
before you did.

No doubt, the Governor plans to
give them their attack orders.

I've arranged for tea
with him this afternoon.

We must find those orders
before the soldiers set sail

and warn their
intended target.

Now, remember.

At the appropriate time,
you will excuse yourself

and search
the Governor's study.

Right. We must find those orders.

Poise, Mr. Stiles.

Poise and grace.

I think
a little to the left...

Just a pinch more.

Madam,
what a delightful surprise.

Tell me, what do you think
of my family portrait?

It just arrived
from France.

No artist could ever capture
the complexities of a man

such as yourself,
Governor Croque.

Say, who's the munchkin?

That is my brother, monsieur.

And the supreme Emperor de
France, Napoleon Bonaparte.

Your Governorship,
please excuse my new attaché.

He is unschooled
in the ways of diplomacy.

He is rather minute,
my brother, is he not?

Are you kidding me?
The real question is,

where does he stash
his pot of gold?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I beg your pardon, Governor,
but it seems that vandals

have once again
desecrated the town walls

with the symbol
of this Dragoon.

Oh, let them.

The Dragoon
is an ancient fairytale,

and who would we be
to deny the people

their last vestige of hope?

Say, Gov, where do you keep your
porcelain throne around here?

This mansion has a hundred
bathrooms, Monsieur Stiles.

(SNIGGERING) You must
get a lot of reading done.

Governor, I thought we
might take this opportunity

to discuss the renegotiation
of my exporting license.

What a splendid idea.

Okay.

Poker?

I hardly even know her.

Hey.

Look, nudie cards.

Jack!
What?

They're looking
all over for you,

and you're in here
playing with yourself.

This is not my fault.
You gave me a bum steer,

'cause I checked everywhere
and there are no orders.

But that hardly gives you
license to loiter pornographically

in the Governor's study!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Nah.

BROGARD: Monsieur Stiles,
if that is you in there,

breaking into
the Governor's study

is a crime
punishable by death!

Let's see your American ingenuity
get us out of this one, Mr. Stiles.

Say, what color
is your underwear?

Not this again.
Will you let me explain?

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Monsieur Stiles.

Governor, there is an
intruder in your study.

Break down the door
at once!

You, break it!

(GROANING)

At least have the decency
to turn away.

Sheesh.

Hey, maybe this job
ain't so bad, after all.

Save me,
it's the Daring Dragoon!

This cannot be.

Yet here I am,

plain as day
and black as night.

To take
a beautiful woman hostage,

this is the act of a coward,
sir!

Oh, tell me what a brave man
would do and I'll do it.

He would fight
to the death!

(LAUGHING)

Be careful what you wish for,
Richelieu,

I'd hate
to embarrass you twice.

What is it you want,
monsieur?

We the people of...

Where are we again?

Palau-Palau.
Palau-Palau,

in order to form
a more perfect island,

demand an end
to French imperialism,

a three-day workweek

and a comprehensive
dental plan.

Kill him!

(JACK LAUGHING)

Shame, shame.

I'll be confiscating these.

After him!

Quickly, quickly.

Up, you idiots.
Up.

Huh?

Who's your daddy?

(MEN SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

Please don't punish
yourself, Captain.

If it hadn't been
for your quick reflexes,

I might have
taken my last breath.

Unfortunately, madame, my
reflexes were not quick enough.

(GRUNTING)

Say, what's with him?

Monsieur Stiles, you have
just missed all the excitement.

It seems the Daring Dragoon
is indeed quite real.

You don't say?

There he is!

Just kidding.

You little monkey.

(LAUGHING)

We were great.

You, with that
"Oh, save me" routine.

You should be very proud of
yourself. Oh, yes. Of course.

What woman wouldn't be proud to
perpetuate the myth of helpless female?

It's what we do best.

Hey, if I have to pretend to
be your attaché all day long,

the least you can do is pretend to
be my helpless victim once in a while.

Oh, once in a while?

Do I take that to mean
you intend on making a habit

of wearing my undergarments on your
head? Oh, now who's sexist, huh?

Don't I have a right to get
in touch with my feminine side?

My feminine side.

It's the perfect front, Em.
Croque said it himself.

The people need a hero,

and we need a way to kick
derriere without blowing our cover.

Thanks to you, every French
soldier in Palau-Palau is on alert.

You've made our job
twice as hard.

And do not,
do not call me Em.

Tomorrow at dawn, I will dispatch
a letter to your president,

requesting that
you be replaced.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a mission to finish.

Oh, you know what,
you're cracked.

Because the Governor's orders
are on that ship

even as we speak.

Oh, yes. Well,
if you'd done your homework,

you'd realize that
in the interest of secrecy,

French captains
don't open their orders

until their ships
have set sail!

Oh. Well, la-de-da. How do
you propose to get on that ship

when it's surrounded
by soldiers?

What do you care?
You've been relieved of duty.

Save your breath, sister,
I can relieve myself.

(MEN CHATTERING IN FRENCH)

(EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH)

(WHISTLES)

(LAUGHING)

What are you doing here?

Making sure you don't
screw up the mission.

All right. Get out of
here. I'll hold them off.

Oh!

So, we meet again,
Mr. Fancy Sword

and his flowing cape.

Give me some credit,
will you?

You know how hard it is to wear
this thing and still look dashing?

You may have been fortunate
enough to best me once, monsieur,

but luck is a fickle friend
that serves no master.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You little devil,
you've been practicing.

So kind of you to notice.

Tag. You're it.

(LAUGHING)

Must be half time.

Well, I'd love
to stay and chat,

but I'm allergic to lead.

(SAIL RIPPING)

(WHOOPING)

JACK: What a waste of time. The
ship's just gonna get new orders.

No, it won't.
It's already set sail.

You mean, you didn't even
get what you came for?

Well, technically,
I didn't steal their orders.

I merely substituted
one mission for another.

You've been
holding out on me.

In roughly six months, the ship will find
its port somewhere off the South Pole.

A boatload of French-cicles.
Why didn't I think of that?

Well, I guess it was too much
to expect for a Brit

and an American
to partner up, huh?

Yes, I suppose so.

Hmm.

Well, so long, sister.

It's been revolutionary.

Jack.

I may not
approve of your methods,

but your heart's
in the right place

and I do owe you a debt of
gratitude for saving my life.

So, if I were to send another
letter to Mr. Jefferson

asking for your reinstatement,

would you consider it?

No need.

I got your first letter
right here.

You went through my mail?

Well, I knew you'd change
your mind about me.

Mr. Stiles, may I speak to you
in the soundproof lab, please?

You're gonna yell at me.
Now!

Mr. Stiles.

Out of the frying pan
into the fire.

Okay, I gotta
get some marshmallows.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0