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1x04 - Zoes and Zeldas
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And he says... he says,
"Why the long face?"
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00:00:13,945 --> 00:00:18,449
And I say, "Hey, buddy, I can't help it."
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00:00:18,532 --> 00:00:21,160
You get that? Long face.
Horses have long faces.
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00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:23,704
I am a horse, my face is
long. You get it, right?
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00:00:23,788 --> 00:00:25,330
Good, good.
7
00:00:25,414 --> 00:00:26,582
What about the Rock Hudson stuff?
8
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Felt like that flew over your heads.
Did you get that?
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00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:30,586
Keep this up, and the
only thing we're gonna get
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00:00:30,669 --> 00:00:31,837
is our money back!
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00:00:33,338 --> 00:00:34,882
Okay, okay, it wasn't that funny.
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00:00:34,966 --> 00:00:37,093
Maybe you didn't get it.
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00:00:37,176 --> 00:00:38,636
Uh, hey, guys, guys...
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00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,645
- Hey, let me buy you a drink.
- Get cancer, jerk wad.
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00:00:47,728 --> 00:00:49,647
You've got some good
material, you really do.
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00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:51,231
The Gorbachev stuff, it's killer.
17
00:00:51,315 --> 00:00:54,276
But you gotta stop asking
people if they get things.
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00:00:54,359 --> 00:00:57,488
- But then who do I know if they got it?
- They'll laugh.
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00:00:57,571 --> 00:01:00,449
Why are you giving me advice?
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00:01:00,532 --> 00:01:02,743
Look, I've been doing
stand-up for a year now,
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00:01:02,868 --> 00:01:05,579
and it's the responsibility
of big shots like me
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00:01:05,663 --> 00:01:07,957
to always be looking
out for the little guy.
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00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,584
- Let me buy you a drink.
- Oh, I don't drink.
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00:01:10,668 --> 00:01:13,921
- BoJack Horseman.
- Herb Kazazz.
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00:01:16,841 --> 00:01:18,134
Oh, God!
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00:01:18,217 --> 00:01:20,886
Goddamn it, Todd, clean up your shit.
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00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:22,304
What am I supposed to do, okay?
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You don't give me any closet space.
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Not my problem. A better man
than you once said, and I quote,
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"It's the responsibility
of little guys like you
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to be looking out for big shots like me."
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00:01:31,189 --> 00:01:32,857
Who said that?
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00:01:32,940 --> 00:01:35,151
I don't know, Jesus,
Ghandi, Malcolm-Jamal Warner.
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00:01:35,234 --> 00:01:38,196
Clean up your shit! Oh!
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00:02:35,086 --> 00:02:39,298
Gloria Steinem, one of the
leading lights of modern feminism.
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You will surely go down
in the annals of history
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just as surely as Lisa Lampanelli
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00:02:44,053 --> 00:02:47,098
will go down in the locker
room of the Houston Rockets.
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00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:51,769
Hey, BoJack, settle a bet.
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00:02:51,852 --> 00:02:54,813
- Are you a Zoe or a Zelda?
- Don't know what that means.
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00:02:54,897 --> 00:02:56,107
Well, I was talking to Wayne.
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00:02:56,190 --> 00:02:57,900
- Who's Wayne?
- I'm Wayne.
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00:02:57,983 --> 00:03:00,360
Wayne's writing an article
about me for BuzzFeed.
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00:03:00,444 --> 00:03:03,155
BuzzFeed?
What'll they think of next?
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00:03:03,239 --> 00:03:06,158
Fun fact: Wayne is also my ex-boyfriend.
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Ha! You're funny.
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00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:09,120
Pretty cool, eh, BoJack?
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00:03:09,203 --> 00:03:10,788
Diane's writing a book about you,
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00:03:10,871 --> 00:03:14,125
Wayne's writing an article about me.
We're the same!
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00:03:14,208 --> 00:03:15,751
How could you think that that's the same?
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00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,920
My book will be in libraries
for hundreds of years.
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Your BuzzFeed article will be crammed
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between an animated GIF
of a cat falling asleep
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and a list of fun facts
about Legally Blonde.
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00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:27,638
- Ha! Classic Zoe.
- I still don't know what that means.
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00:03:27,721 --> 00:03:29,140
Well, are you familiar with
Mr. Peanutbutter's House?
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00:03:29,223 --> 00:03:31,600
Do you mean his sitcom that coincidentally
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00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:34,061
had the exact same premise as my sitcom?
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Not the exact same.
Mr. Peanutbutter's House
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featured a pair of twins, Zoe and Zelda.
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Zelda was the sunny, fun-loving extrovert.
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00:03:42,236 --> 00:03:45,739
- Look at my pumpkin, Mr. Peanutbutter.
- Pretty smile, Zelly-belly.
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Aww...
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Whereas Zoe was the
smart, cynical introvert.
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00:03:49,576 --> 00:03:52,923
My pumpkin's throwing up because
Halloween encourages excessive
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00:03:52,924 --> 00:03:56,583
consumption of refined sugar at a
time when obesity rates are sky high.
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00:03:56,667 --> 00:04:00,545
Plus, Halloween costumes are
a gateway to casual racism.
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00:04:00,629 --> 00:04:02,589
Why don't I keep the knife, Zo-bo?
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00:04:02,673 --> 00:04:03,841
♪ Who's that dog? ♪
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00:04:03,924 --> 00:04:05,467
♪ Mr. Peanutbutter ♪
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00:04:05,550 --> 00:04:07,511
♪ Knick-knack, paddywhack
Give a dog a bone ♪
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00:04:07,594 --> 00:04:10,848
Now, was the show's acting ham-fisted
and the writing moronic?
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00:04:10,931 --> 00:04:15,811
- N-n-no?
- Yes, but the Zoe/Zelda paradigm rang true.
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00:04:15,894 --> 00:04:18,314
I believe everyone's
either a Zoe or a Zelda.
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00:04:18,397 --> 00:04:22,484
For example, Nixon was a
Zoe and Kennedy, a Zelda.
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00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:25,570
Al Gore, Zoe.
George W. Bush, total Zelda.
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00:04:25,654 --> 00:04:29,158
It's R2-D2 and C-3PO,
Zooey and Emily Deschanel.
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00:04:29,241 --> 00:04:30,617
So Zooey's a Zoe?
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00:04:30,701 --> 00:04:33,371
No, Zooey's a Zelda.
Emily's the Zoe.
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00:04:33,453 --> 00:04:34,788
What a crazy world.
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00:04:34,872 --> 00:04:38,542
- So which one are you, BoJack?
- I think I'm... above this.
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Said the Zoe.
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00:04:41,503 --> 00:04:43,005
Well, I think I'm a Zelda.
84
00:04:43,088 --> 00:04:44,798
Or maybe you're the third kind of person,
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00:04:44,882 --> 00:04:47,176
whose only function is to
drain the energy and life force
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00:04:47,259 --> 00:04:50,054
- from his host organism.
- Come on, BoJack.
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00:04:50,137 --> 00:04:51,889
Nah, he's right.
I'm pretty much worthless.
88
00:04:51,972 --> 00:04:53,765
See? You say something
to someone enough times,
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00:04:53,849 --> 00:04:55,309
and eventually, he internalizes it.
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00:04:55,393 --> 00:04:57,144
The system works.
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00:04:57,228 --> 00:04:59,397
I don't have a job, I
don't have any prospects.
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00:04:59,479 --> 00:05:02,691
I probably won't ever finish
the rock opera I'm working on.
93
00:05:02,774 --> 00:05:04,068
What?
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00:05:04,151 --> 00:05:07,446
Since when are you working on a rock opera?
95
00:05:07,529 --> 00:05:09,281
Oh, no. Why'd I ask that?
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00:05:09,365 --> 00:05:12,492
Basically, it's Tommy by
way of Cirque du Soleil
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00:05:12,617 --> 00:05:15,287
set in space,
with heavy erotic overtones,
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00:05:15,371 --> 00:05:17,373
and the gripping psychodrama of a thriller
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00:05:17,456 --> 00:05:20,709
with plenty of heart and
more than a little humor.
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00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:24,380
I call it Newtopia Rising, Book 1:
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00:05:24,463 --> 00:05:28,217
- The Search for a New Utopia.
- Book 1?
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00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,135
You've got me thinking sequel here.
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00:05:30,219 --> 00:05:31,387
Ugh.
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00:05:34,598 --> 00:05:37,517
♪ Traveling on a spaceship ♪
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- I'm in.
- I'm out.
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00:05:38,852 --> 00:05:42,481
♪ So far away from home ♪
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♪ To find a new and better place ♪
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♪ A planet rich with loam ♪
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- Loam? "Rich with loam?"
- Yeah, it's a kind of soil.
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These people are simple,
agricultural types.
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00:05:55,619 --> 00:05:57,162
On a spaceship?
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00:05:59,623 --> 00:06:03,335
♪ We learned a lot
And had some laughs ♪
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00:06:03,419 --> 00:06:05,670
♪ But they couldn't make us slaves ♪
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00:06:05,754 --> 00:06:08,340
♪ No! No, they couldn't
make us slaves ♪
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No!
No, they could-n-n-n't
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00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:16,265
Make u-u-u-us
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♪ One, two ♪
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"Slaves." Just say "slaves."
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♪ Sla-a-a-a-a-a-aves ♪
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That was...
and I don't say this lightly...
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00:06:33,407 --> 00:06:35,242
worse than a hundred September 11ths.
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00:06:35,326 --> 00:06:37,911
Yeah, you're right.
This was stupid.
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00:06:37,995 --> 00:06:39,413
I don't know what I was thinking.
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- Well, guess I'll give up forever.
- That's the spirit.
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00:06:45,919 --> 00:06:48,380
Now, you have to understand
that as a port city,
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Liverpool had unique access to
all aspects of American culture,
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00:06:52,259 --> 00:06:55,262
especially Blues music and its
unruly nephew, Rock and Roll.
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00:06:55,346 --> 00:06:57,522
I thought this story was about
running into Paul McCartney
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00:06:57,523 --> 00:06:58,974
in the bathroom at the Golden Globes.
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00:06:59,057 --> 00:07:02,019
It is. I thought you would
appreciate some context.
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00:07:02,102 --> 00:07:03,645
Let's skip that one for a minute.
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00:07:03,728 --> 00:07:06,648
- Tell me about Todd.
- Todd? What's to tell?
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00:07:06,731 --> 00:07:08,396
Five years ago, he found his way into
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00:07:08,397 --> 00:07:10,152
one of my house parties and never left.
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00:07:10,235 --> 00:07:12,488
And you've never asked
him anything about himself?
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00:07:12,571 --> 00:07:14,573
I've asked him to get a job,
I've asked him to move out.
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00:07:14,656 --> 00:07:17,493
With a little encouragement,
I'll bet he could really flourish.
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00:07:17,576 --> 00:07:18,994
I mean, didn't you have
anyone who helped you
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00:07:19,077 --> 00:07:21,539
- when you were just starting out?
- Um, actually, no.
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00:07:21,621 --> 00:07:23,499
Todd clearly thinks the world of you.
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00:07:23,582 --> 00:07:25,334
Todd thinks the world of Pop-Tarts.
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00:07:25,417 --> 00:07:28,379
Look, I get that helping other
people is not your thing, but...
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00:07:28,462 --> 00:07:30,797
What? I let Todd live
rent-free in my stately manse.
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00:07:30,881 --> 00:07:32,716
I am his own personal Mother Teresa.
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00:07:32,799 --> 00:07:34,885
But do you let him stay
here because you're kind
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or just because you're
terrified of being alone?
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That is insane!
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00:07:38,889 --> 00:07:42,309
I would love to be alone.
That is all I want.
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00:07:42,393 --> 00:07:44,311
Mmm... if that were really true,
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00:07:44,395 --> 00:07:46,271
I don't think you'd be clipping
Todd's wings all the time.
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00:07:46,355 --> 00:07:47,814
What? That's unbelievable.
152
00:07:47,898 --> 00:07:50,568
- Todd!
- What? Clean up my shit?
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00:07:50,650 --> 00:07:53,695
Yes, but also, I would like to...
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00:07:53,778 --> 00:07:55,655
help you with your dumb-ass rock opera.
155
00:07:55,739 --> 00:07:59,493
- What?
- I am... supporting you.
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00:07:59,618 --> 00:08:02,454
I-I don't understand.
Oh, my God, are you dying?
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00:08:02,538 --> 00:08:06,088
No. I... think you have
great depth of untapped
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potential and I wish to
mentor you in your... art.
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00:08:09,794 --> 00:08:11,463
- Really?
- Yes.
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00:08:11,547 --> 00:08:13,924
Wait, is this going to be like that time
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00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:15,384
you promised to take me ice skating,
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00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:17,344
and I got really excited
about the ice skating,
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00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:19,388
but then instead of ice
skating, you left me at home
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so you could go to the strip club
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00:08:20,889 --> 00:08:23,016
and then you took the
strippers ice skating?
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00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,227
- No.
- Then hooray!
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00:08:28,021 --> 00:08:30,107
Let's dig in. Where to start?
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00:08:30,190 --> 00:08:32,150
Okay, well, the headline is, I hate it.
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00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:33,735
I hate everything about it.
170
00:08:33,818 --> 00:08:35,779
The premise is bad and
the execution is also bad.
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00:08:35,862 --> 00:08:37,864
It's an irredeemable jumble of shit.
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00:08:37,948 --> 00:08:40,367
- Tough but fair.
- Ahem.
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00:08:40,451 --> 00:08:44,204
That said, I don't see why we can't
make something really great here.
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00:08:44,288 --> 00:08:46,748
Okay, thank you. I'll work on that.
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00:08:46,831 --> 00:08:50,335
- Are you close?
- No!
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00:08:50,419 --> 00:08:51,545
- How 'bout now?
- No!
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00:08:51,629 --> 00:08:54,089
- Now?
- You're not even inside of me.
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00:08:54,172 --> 00:08:56,592
Oh, God!
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00:08:56,675 --> 00:08:57,968
Did you get there?
180
00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:01,832
Okay, so you know in the
second act closer when the
181
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,057
seekers of Newtopia are
in the Turbidians' dungeon
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00:09:04,141 --> 00:09:05,225
and they learn their ship
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00:09:05,309 --> 00:09:06,851
- has been destroyed?
- No.
184
00:09:06,935 --> 00:09:09,729
Well, what if we move
that to the fourth act?
185
00:09:09,813 --> 00:09:12,524
I have no idea what you're talking
about, but that idea is terrible.
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00:09:12,608 --> 00:09:14,610
I hear the note.
Let me see what I can do.
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00:09:16,778 --> 00:09:20,365
♪ And that's why this planet ♪
188
00:09:20,449 --> 00:09:25,454
♪ su-u-u-u-u-cks ♪
189
00:09:25,537 --> 00:09:27,998
- So?
- How can I put this?
190
00:09:28,081 --> 00:09:30,167
Imagine if the Holocaust happened
191
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:32,336
every four years like the Olympics.
192
00:09:32,419 --> 00:09:35,631
I would rather that happened
than your rock opera.
193
00:09:35,714 --> 00:09:37,882
That's not really a note.
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00:09:37,966 --> 00:09:40,844
In fact, none of your
notes have been notes.
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00:09:40,927 --> 00:09:42,513
I feel like you're not even listening.
196
00:09:42,596 --> 00:09:44,222
Yeah, well, you know what?
Maybe I would listen
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00:09:44,306 --> 00:09:46,057
if the Turbidians had some reason
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00:09:46,141 --> 00:09:47,789
to enter the Cave of Swollen Dreams that
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00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:49,520
didn't break the pact
they made in act one
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00:09:49,603 --> 00:09:52,356
- with Queen Darneesa.
- You have been listening.
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00:09:52,439 --> 00:09:53,649
This just doesn't make sense.
202
00:09:53,732 --> 00:09:55,317
The Turbidians are a loyal people.
203
00:09:55,400 --> 00:10:00,155
They... they wouldn't
betray their queen. Unless...
204
00:10:00,238 --> 00:10:03,283
They were working
for Queen Darneesa,
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00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:05,744
who gave them a potion
that would counteract
206
00:10:05,869 --> 00:10:07,912
the effects of the Elixir
of Failed Remembrance
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00:10:07,996 --> 00:10:10,343
so they could bring the
secret knowledge from
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00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:12,792
the cave back to her, and
then establish Newtopia
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00:10:12,876 --> 00:10:15,587
as a vassal state to the Craterman kingdom!
210
00:10:15,671 --> 00:10:18,716
Well, don't just sit there!
Get this down!
211
00:10:18,798 --> 00:10:21,426
Oh, you like that.
212
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:24,304
- You like daddy's good stuff?
- Not especially.
213
00:10:26,056 --> 00:10:28,266
Did you get there?
214
00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:32,688
Okay, what if there isn't a robot army?
215
00:10:32,771 --> 00:10:35,357
I think you just blew this thing wide open.
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00:10:38,777 --> 00:10:43,073
♪ We'll make this
our Newtopia-a-a ♪
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00:10:43,156 --> 00:10:44,658
- Up a fifth - Ah
218
00:10:44,742 --> 00:10:48,495
- Down a fifth
- A-a-ah
219
00:10:48,579 --> 00:10:50,539
That was great!
This train is moving.
220
00:10:50,622 --> 00:10:52,374
Let's take a break and get lunch.
221
00:10:52,457 --> 00:10:56,378
- Wait, you want to get lunch with me?
- Yeah, that's right.
222
00:10:56,461 --> 00:10:58,797
Is this like the time
you invited me to lunch,
223
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,007
but then, when I got to the restaurant,
224
00:11:01,091 --> 00:11:03,343
you texted me to tell me you weren't coming
225
00:11:03,427 --> 00:11:07,681
because you were at a strip
club "eating stripper" for lunch,
226
00:11:07,765 --> 00:11:11,059
- and also, it was my birthday?
- No.
227
00:11:11,142 --> 00:11:12,811
Then hooray!
228
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:18,525
And that was a last time I
worked with David O. Russell.
229
00:11:18,609 --> 00:11:20,110
What's that old expression?
230
00:11:20,193 --> 00:11:23,405
"Fool me once, shame on
me, but fool me twice...
231
00:11:23,488 --> 00:11:24,698
fiddle-dee-dee."
232
00:11:24,782 --> 00:11:26,866
I do believe that is the expression.
233
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:29,035
Ooh, hold on.
I gotta take this.
234
00:11:29,119 --> 00:11:30,454
Erica, I don't have time
235
00:11:30,537 --> 00:11:32,872
to be charmed to death right now.
236
00:11:32,956 --> 00:11:35,667
So how long have you been
dating Mr. Peanutbutter?
237
00:11:35,751 --> 00:11:38,169
Is it serious? I'm only
asking for the article.
238
00:11:38,253 --> 00:11:41,089
Better question: How long does it
take to write a BuzzFeed article?
239
00:11:41,172 --> 00:11:43,318
- I want to be thorough.
- What?!
240
00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:44,760
Diane, Diane, Diane, Diane!
241
00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:46,595
- Do you know what today is?
- Sunday?
242
00:11:46,678 --> 00:11:50,599
It's "burritos as big as your
head" day at El Taco Loco!
243
00:11:50,682 --> 00:11:52,225
We gotta go right now!
244
00:11:52,309 --> 00:11:53,727
I thought we were going
to see the Diane Arbus show
245
00:11:53,811 --> 00:11:55,895
at LACMA today. You
know I love Diane Arbus.
246
00:11:55,979 --> 00:11:58,774
I see what's happening here.
247
00:11:58,857 --> 00:12:03,027
Her name is Diane,
and your name is Diane.
248
00:12:03,111 --> 00:12:04,446
That's not what's happening.
249
00:12:04,529 --> 00:12:05,781
I can go to the Arbus
show with you, Diane.
250
00:12:05,864 --> 00:12:08,908
- What?
- I've actually been meaning to go myself.
251
00:12:08,992 --> 00:12:11,077
Oh, man, you guys are
perfect for each other.
252
00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:12,912
Why did you ever break up?
253
00:12:14,372 --> 00:12:16,374
Okay, less yakking, more snacking.
254
00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:20,128
Let's go ride in the car!
255
00:12:20,211 --> 00:12:21,546
Here's your steak.
256
00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:24,424
- Uh, sorry.
- Mm-hmm.
257
00:12:24,508 --> 00:12:27,682
You mean to tell me that for
a full year you were on the run
258
00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:31,222
- from the Russian mafia?
- Well, a Russian mafia.
259
00:12:31,306 --> 00:12:33,141
I can't believe you never
told me any of this stuff.
260
00:12:33,224 --> 00:12:34,726
I just thought you
were a dumb freeloader
261
00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:36,603
who ate all my food and
played video games all day.
262
00:12:36,687 --> 00:12:38,814
You should have seen me in high school.
263
00:12:38,897 --> 00:12:42,150
- There was this one game, Decapathon.
- I remember that game.
264
00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:44,486
I was up for Dr. Decapitator
in the movie version.
265
00:12:44,569 --> 00:12:45,945
They said they wanted someone hipper,
266
00:12:46,029 --> 00:12:47,572
but the part ended up
going to Robert Downey.
267
00:12:47,656 --> 00:12:49,157
- Junior?
- If it was Junior,
268
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,826
I would have said, "Junior."
269
00:12:50,909 --> 00:12:53,662
That game basically destroyed my life.
270
00:12:53,745 --> 00:12:55,997
I flunked out of school,
my girlfriend left me.
271
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,833
I mean, I didn't stop playing
272
00:12:57,916 --> 00:13:00,711
until my mom threw me out of the house.
273
00:13:00,794 --> 00:13:03,755
I mean, that's when I
first realized, you know,
274
00:13:03,839 --> 00:13:07,175
- I'm a total screw-up.
- You're not a screw-up anymore, Todd.
275
00:13:07,258 --> 00:13:10,053
You're about to have a hit
rock opera on your hands.
276
00:13:10,136 --> 00:13:12,305
I'm really glad you think that.
277
00:13:12,389 --> 00:13:14,932
I got Princess Carolyn
to invite Virgil Van Cleef
278
00:13:14,933 --> 00:13:17,936
- to our next rehearsal.
- Who in the what Van?
279
00:13:18,019 --> 00:13:20,980
Virgil Van Cleef is the
biggest name in rock opera.
280
00:13:21,064 --> 00:13:23,149
Okay, think of all the great rock operas
281
00:13:23,233 --> 00:13:26,945
- from the last 20 years.
- Okay.
282
00:13:27,028 --> 00:13:28,947
He had a piece of all of them.
283
00:13:29,030 --> 00:13:30,990
Wow, Todd, are you sure
we're ready for that?
284
00:13:31,074 --> 00:13:32,868
Hey, you said yourself the train is moving,
285
00:13:32,992 --> 00:13:35,495
but if you think we're not ready,
I mean, I'll listen to you.
286
00:13:35,579 --> 00:13:37,288
Hey, you've done enough listening, buddy.
287
00:13:37,372 --> 00:13:39,207
Maybe it's about time I start listening.
288
00:13:39,290 --> 00:13:40,584
Well, I feel like...
289
00:13:40,667 --> 00:13:41,877
Gotta take this. Hello?
290
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,170
Hello?
BoJack Horseman?
291
00:13:44,254 --> 00:13:46,256
We have some very
delicate pictures you might
292
00:13:46,339 --> 00:13:48,675
have an interest in not
getting into the wrong hands.
293
00:13:48,759 --> 00:13:50,176
I am very happy with my current
294
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,846
- long distance provider, thank you.
- What?
295
00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:55,640
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
having lunch with my friend.
296
00:13:55,724 --> 00:13:57,684
But if you just listen...
297
00:14:00,144 --> 00:14:02,647
All right, gang, when Virgil
Van Cleef gets here, look alive.
298
00:14:02,731 --> 00:14:04,482
This could be Todd's big break,
299
00:14:04,566 --> 00:14:07,026
so clap really hard and
laugh at all the jokes,
300
00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:08,987
even if they're not funny,
but also, be careful,
301
00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:10,864
because a lot of things
you might think are jokes
302
00:14:10,948 --> 00:14:13,491
are not jokes,
so, you know, look out.
303
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:17,537
- That was not a joke.
- That was not a real laugh.
304
00:14:17,621 --> 00:14:19,414
I hope you don't mind
I brought Wayne along.
305
00:14:19,497 --> 00:14:21,124
- Who's Wayne?
- I'm Wayne.
306
00:14:21,207 --> 00:14:22,834
I just wanted to make sure
he had everything he needs
307
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:25,336
for the big BuzzFeed cover story.
308
00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:27,338
BuzzFeed is a website.
There is no cover.
309
00:14:27,422 --> 00:14:28,757
Eh, "tomato," "tomato."
310
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,008
It's "tomato," "to-mah-to."
311
00:14:30,091 --> 00:14:33,177
You say, "tomato," "to-mah-to,"
I say, "tomato," "tomato."
312
00:14:34,638 --> 00:14:36,473
Oh, hey, Diane, I got you something.
313
00:14:36,556 --> 00:14:40,226
- Oh, plane tickets?
- Yep, to San Francisco.
314
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,312
That's where the Arbus
exhibit is heading next.
315
00:14:42,395 --> 00:14:45,398
Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Peanutbutter.
316
00:14:47,985 --> 00:14:51,613
Gentlemen, dazzle me.
317
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:53,949
What you're about to
see is rough, very rough.
318
00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:56,534
It's a vomit pass at what
might become a rock opera.
319
00:14:56,618 --> 00:14:59,245
Right now, it's set mostly in space,
but we're not married to that.
320
00:14:59,329 --> 00:15:01,915
Todd is neither a singer
nor a trained musician.
321
00:15:01,999 --> 00:15:03,625
In fact, he never even
graduated high school,
322
00:15:03,708 --> 00:15:05,251
he told me in confidence.
323
00:15:05,335 --> 00:15:07,504
Keep all that in mind as
you give it up for Todd.
324
00:15:10,757 --> 00:15:14,218
Okay, so we start in 1887
325
00:15:14,302 --> 00:15:16,721
with a young Emma Goldman.
326
00:15:18,556 --> 00:15:24,479
♪ No they couldn-n-n-n't
make u-u-u-us ♪
327
00:15:24,562 --> 00:15:29,317
♪ sla-a-a-a-a-aves ♪
328
00:15:31,277 --> 00:15:35,323
- It needs a third act showstopper.
- I had the same note.
329
00:15:35,406 --> 00:15:38,284
But in all, it's spellbinding.
330
00:15:38,368 --> 00:15:41,287
- All right!
- Whoo!
331
00:15:41,371 --> 00:15:43,414
You know, I run a small
theater in North Hollywood.
332
00:15:43,498 --> 00:15:46,501
We were supposed to mount
a J.C. Superstar revival
333
00:15:46,584 --> 00:15:49,111
next month, but of
course, Andrew Lloyd Webber
334
00:15:49,112 --> 00:15:51,422
has to be a real hot
penis about everything.
335
00:15:51,506 --> 00:15:54,258
Oh, Andy.
Fool me once, shame on you,
336
00:15:54,342 --> 00:15:55,719
but teach a man to fool me,
337
00:15:55,802 --> 00:15:58,221
and I'll be fooled for the rest of my life.
338
00:15:58,304 --> 00:16:01,474
Anyway, could this show be
ready to debut in six weeks?
339
00:16:01,558 --> 00:16:05,020
Six weeks?
Uh, damn. Yeah, I guess so.
340
00:16:05,103 --> 00:16:08,815
Marvelous! We'll schedule an
investor showcase posthaste.
341
00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,942
In the meantime, libations!
342
00:16:11,026 --> 00:16:13,236
Ah!
343
00:16:13,319 --> 00:16:14,988
- Popping, what?
- This is great.
344
00:16:15,072 --> 00:16:17,032
You know, just when you think
you have a person pegged,
345
00:16:17,115 --> 00:16:19,242
he can still find ways to surprise you.
346
00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:21,619
Yeah, Todd really rose to
the occasion, didn't he?
347
00:16:21,703 --> 00:16:24,664
- I was talking about you.
- Ah, well, it was nothing.
348
00:16:24,748 --> 00:16:27,250
Maybe the Zoe has a little
Zelda in him after all.
349
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:30,169
I appreciate the sentiment,
but I still think that game is stupid.
350
00:16:30,253 --> 00:16:32,463
Hey, BoJack, do you
realize what this means?
351
00:16:32,547 --> 00:16:35,675
I mean, if this thing's a
hit, I could finally move out.
352
00:16:35,759 --> 00:16:38,095
Oh, uh, you're gonna move out?
353
00:16:38,177 --> 00:16:40,841
You won't have to yell, "Hey,
Todd, clean up your shit!"
354
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,266
Or, "Todd, why haven't you
cleaned up your shit yet?"
355
00:16:43,349 --> 00:16:46,269
Or, "Todd, what was the name of
that guy from Perfect Strangers?
356
00:16:46,352 --> 00:16:48,897
Not Bronson Pinchot,
but the other one?"
357
00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:52,067
Good, that's great.
That's great and good.
358
00:16:52,150 --> 00:16:54,193
So good, so great.
359
00:16:54,277 --> 00:16:57,280
- Just great, and also good.
- Mm-hmm.
360
00:17:03,286 --> 00:17:05,622
And as you can see,
progress has been swift.
361
00:17:05,705 --> 00:17:07,290
For tomorrow's investor showcase,
362
00:17:07,373 --> 00:17:10,627
we'll have choreography
and pyrotechnics for you.
363
00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:12,503
This is all just happening so fast.
364
00:17:12,587 --> 00:17:14,756
I don't... I don't think
Todd is ready for this.
365
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:17,050
Todd's not ready or you're not ready?
366
00:17:17,134 --> 00:17:19,302
Don't make this about me.
I've seen what happens
367
00:17:19,385 --> 00:17:22,055
when baby birds get pushed
out of the nest too soon.
368
00:17:22,139 --> 00:17:24,099
It's not your fault.
369
00:17:24,182 --> 00:17:26,935
I thought he was ready.
He seemed ready.
370
00:17:27,018 --> 00:17:30,855
It's not... your... fault.
371
00:17:30,939 --> 00:17:32,565
You're right. In these heady times,
372
00:17:32,649 --> 00:17:35,276
what Todd needs is an agent.
Ha! Ha!
373
00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:37,236
- I just need you to deliver...
- Hoo! Ha!
374
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,405
- That third act showstopper...
- Ha!
375
00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:41,658
... and then we'll be fully financed!
376
00:17:41,741 --> 00:17:44,828
Todd can do it!
Todd can do anything!
377
00:17:44,911 --> 00:17:46,079
- Can I get your autograph?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
378
00:17:46,163 --> 00:17:47,330
And another autograph,
379
00:17:47,413 --> 00:17:48,999
and initial here, here, here, and here.
380
00:17:49,082 --> 00:17:50,249
- Right here?
- And the last four digits
381
00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:51,835
- of your social.
- Okay.
382
00:17:51,918 --> 00:17:55,630
So I think the big third
act number Virgil wants
383
00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:58,800
- might be a big anthem that...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, buddy,
384
00:17:58,883 --> 00:18:01,011
I'm not gonna let you start
on this until we stock up
385
00:18:01,094 --> 00:18:02,512
on snacks and Red Bull.
386
00:18:02,595 --> 00:18:06,307
I do get snacky.
You think of everything.
387
00:18:09,393 --> 00:18:10,854
'Scuse me, young man.
388
00:18:10,937 --> 00:18:13,106
Can you hand me that
Ronnie Milsap cassingle
389
00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:17,194
- in the 10-cent bin?
- Sure thing, lady.
390
00:18:17,276 --> 00:18:23,241
Oh, my God. Decapathon VII?
This just came out.
391
00:18:23,324 --> 00:18:26,536
- Todd, put it down.
- Is this really only a dime?
392
00:18:26,619 --> 00:18:28,579
If it's in there, that's the price.
393
00:18:28,663 --> 00:18:31,166
Todd, this is no time for a relapse.
394
00:18:31,249 --> 00:18:33,751
Look, okay, I'll buy it
now, but I won't play it
395
00:18:33,835 --> 00:18:35,962
till after I've written the new song.
396
00:18:36,046 --> 00:18:38,173
Todd, this is a bad idea!
397
00:18:38,256 --> 00:18:40,466
- Whoa!
- All sales are final.
398
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,263
Okay, let's see here.
399
00:18:45,346 --> 00:18:47,598
I wonder if it still smells the same.
400
00:18:47,682 --> 00:18:50,227
I assure you, it still smells
like cheap plastic and child labor.
401
00:18:50,309 --> 00:18:53,521
Okay, here we go. Song time.
402
00:18:55,648 --> 00:18:56,983
Or should I just play one game now,
403
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:59,277
just to get the creative juices flowing?
404
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,112
We both know that if you
play that game tonight,
405
00:19:01,196 --> 00:19:02,947
you'll never leave this couch!
406
00:19:03,031 --> 00:19:05,075
Ah, no, you're right, of course.
407
00:19:05,158 --> 00:19:08,494
- Thank you.
- Good night.
408
00:19:11,372 --> 00:19:13,416
Come on, Decapathon, come on.
409
00:19:13,499 --> 00:19:16,460
Oh, come on, Decapathon.
410
00:19:16,544 --> 00:19:18,755
Oh.
411
00:19:18,838 --> 00:19:21,883
Wake up! It's the morning!
412
00:19:21,966 --> 00:19:25,344
Damn it, Todd, the investor
showcase is in half an hour.
413
00:19:25,428 --> 00:19:27,180
- Did you work on the song?
- Huh?
414
00:19:27,264 --> 00:19:29,515
Pull yourself together, man!
415
00:19:29,599 --> 00:19:33,103
Ugh! Why did the water have
to come out of your mouth?
416
00:19:33,186 --> 00:19:36,981
Well, I'm awfully sorry
to have wasted your time.
417
00:19:37,065 --> 00:19:39,567
I don't think our man is going to show.
418
00:19:40,818 --> 00:19:42,279
Wait!
419
00:19:42,361 --> 00:19:43,947
Good God, what's happened?
420
00:19:44,030 --> 00:19:47,117
He looks like he was up all
night playing some sort of
421
00:19:47,118 --> 00:19:50,203
videographic game. He's in
no condition to debut a song.
422
00:19:50,287 --> 00:19:52,830
Give the kid a chance, Van Cleef.
423
00:19:59,337 --> 00:20:01,839
♪ Loam, loam, loam ♪
424
00:20:01,923 --> 00:20:06,385
♪ And a... uh, little
room to, uh, roam ♪
425
00:20:06,469 --> 00:20:10,848
♪ And on this planet
It's our home ♪
426
00:20:10,932 --> 00:20:13,184
♪ In space ♪
427
00:20:13,268 --> 00:20:16,646
Rock opera?
More like "schlock flop-era."
428
00:20:17,981 --> 00:20:19,523
Ugh!
429
00:20:19,607 --> 00:20:20,775
♪ Loam ♪
430
00:20:20,858 --> 00:20:23,361
- Enough!
- Clearly, Van Cleef has shown
431
00:20:23,444 --> 00:20:25,947
a rare lapse in taste and judgment.
432
00:20:26,030 --> 00:20:29,326
I apologize for wasting your
time with this talentless imp.
433
00:20:29,408 --> 00:20:32,120
Hey, Van Cleef, Todd may not be ready
434
00:20:32,203 --> 00:20:34,497
for the high-flying world of rock opera
435
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:37,458
or the larger world outside
of my living room couch,
436
00:20:37,541 --> 00:20:40,170
but you know what?
He's a good friend.
437
00:20:40,253 --> 00:20:42,088
I don't see how that's relevant.
438
00:20:42,172 --> 00:20:44,548
No, of course you don't.
Maybe Todd's worse off today,
439
00:20:44,632 --> 00:20:47,261
but you're worse off in
the long run, because you're
440
00:20:47,262 --> 00:20:50,138
gonna die alone and unloved,
you pompous, affected asshole!
441
00:20:50,221 --> 00:20:54,058
Mon dieu!
Never have I ever!
442
00:20:54,142 --> 00:20:56,311
Hey, maybe don't burn the bridge.
443
00:20:56,394 --> 00:20:59,981
- I could still beg for a second chance.
- Shut your mouth, Todd.
444
00:21:00,064 --> 00:21:02,692
And you shut yours, Van Cleef,
or I will buck it shut.
445
00:21:02,775 --> 00:21:05,695
Suck a dick, dumb shits!
446
00:21:08,656 --> 00:21:10,867
Oh, that damn video game.
447
00:21:10,950 --> 00:21:14,495
No, it's not the video game's fault.
I blew it.
448
00:21:14,578 --> 00:21:16,789
For a second, I actually convinced myself
449
00:21:16,873 --> 00:21:19,334
I was more than just a worthless screw-up.
450
00:21:19,417 --> 00:21:21,535
Fool me once, fool me twice,
451
00:21:21,536 --> 00:21:23,880
fool me chicken soup with rice.
452
00:21:23,963 --> 00:21:26,799
I guess there's a reason they
don't call it "the rock opera fun."
453
00:21:26,883 --> 00:21:29,177
They call it "the rock opera business."
454
00:21:29,260 --> 00:21:32,513
Guess I won't be needing
this piece of junk anymore.
455
00:21:32,596 --> 00:21:34,932
Hey, no. Hold on to that.
456
00:21:35,016 --> 00:21:36,475
Why don't you just put it
in the living room closet?
457
00:21:36,559 --> 00:21:38,853
- Really?
- In fact, from now on,
458
00:21:38,936 --> 00:21:40,813
you can keep all your stuff
in the living room closet.
459
00:21:40,897 --> 00:21:46,652
- Thanks, BoJack, for everything.
- This, I will get rid of.
460
00:21:49,739 --> 00:21:51,115
- What the...
- Don't look at those!
461
00:21:51,199 --> 00:21:53,284
- Those are private!
- Are these the notes
462
00:21:53,368 --> 00:21:56,413
you've been taking on
Mr. Peanutbutter? It's gibberish!
463
00:21:56,495 --> 00:21:59,040
Have you just been mashing
keys this whole time?
464
00:21:59,123 --> 00:22:00,375
It's a... it's a work in progress.
465
00:22:00,458 --> 00:22:02,501
What's really going on here?
466
00:22:02,585 --> 00:22:05,005
Look, I've been following
you two around for the
467
00:22:05,006 --> 00:22:07,424
last couple weeks, and I
think it's pretty obvious
468
00:22:07,506 --> 00:22:09,926
to everyone that you shouldn't
be with Mr. Peanutbutter.
469
00:22:10,009 --> 00:22:13,430
- You should be with me.
- No, I've dated you.
470
00:22:13,512 --> 00:22:17,392
Sure, you're smart and
sophisticated and cool,
471
00:22:17,475 --> 00:22:19,060
but you're also mean.
472
00:22:19,143 --> 00:22:21,562
What's your article on
Mr. Peanutbutter called?
473
00:22:21,645 --> 00:22:23,898
The working title is,
"Nine Jokes From the '90s
474
00:22:23,981 --> 00:22:25,275
We Haven't Stopped Laughing at."
475
00:22:25,358 --> 00:22:26,984
- I knew it!
- Come on!
476
00:22:27,068 --> 00:22:29,362
Like you're not gonna tear
BoJack apart in your book.
477
00:22:29,446 --> 00:22:31,822
I'm not "tearing him apart."
478
00:22:31,906 --> 00:22:35,118
I'm writing a nuanced
portrait of a complicated man.
479
00:22:35,201 --> 00:22:37,828
Well, then, we might be
doing different things.
480
00:22:37,912 --> 00:22:40,164
Mr. Peanutbutter is nice to me!
481
00:22:40,248 --> 00:22:43,834
He's kind and he's generous
and he's loyal.
482
00:22:43,918 --> 00:22:46,712
You know what your
problem is? You're trying
483
00:22:46,713 --> 00:22:49,382
to be a Zelda but you're
so obviously a Zoe.
484
00:22:49,466 --> 00:22:51,592
Ugh! Don't label me.
You don't know who I am.
485
00:22:51,675 --> 00:22:55,221
You can live your happy Zelda
life in this happy Zelda town
486
00:22:55,305 --> 00:22:57,515
and pretend you're a happy Zelda,
487
00:22:57,598 --> 00:23:01,685
but I know you, and this isn't you.
488
00:23:01,769 --> 00:23:03,980
People don't change, Diane, not really.
489
00:23:04,063 --> 00:23:05,523
Mr. Peanutbutter's a Zelda.
490
00:23:05,606 --> 00:23:07,150
He's happy and he's carefree
491
00:23:07,233 --> 00:23:11,028
and he's loving, but
you and me, we're Zoes.
492
00:23:11,112 --> 00:23:14,365
Yeah, I bought this earlier,
and I'd like to return it.
493
00:23:14,449 --> 00:23:15,866
I don't know where the receipt went.
494
00:23:15,992 --> 00:23:18,202
I remember you.
You came in yesterday.
495
00:23:18,286 --> 00:23:20,538
No problem.
496
00:23:20,621 --> 00:23:22,415
We're Zoes, Diane.
497
00:23:22,499 --> 00:23:25,335
We're cynical and we're
sad and we're mean.
498
00:23:25,418 --> 00:23:29,547
Thanks for your help, character
actress Margo Martindale.
499
00:23:29,630 --> 00:23:32,509
I don't feel good about
what we did here, BoJack.
500
00:23:32,591 --> 00:23:37,013
I don't know what you're talking about.
This never happened.
501
00:23:37,096 --> 00:23:39,974
There's a darkness inside you,
502
00:23:40,057 --> 00:23:43,644
and you can bury it deep in
burritos as big as your head,
503
00:23:43,727 --> 00:23:46,481
but someday soon, that
darkness is gonna come out,
504
00:23:46,564 --> 00:23:49,900
and when it does, I want you to call me.
505
00:23:52,111 --> 00:23:54,655
I like that guy.
506
00:23:56,699 --> 00:23:59,243
Ahh.
507
00:24:17,178 --> 00:24:19,472
♪ Back in the '90s ♪
508
00:24:19,556 --> 00:24:24,727
♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪
509
00:24:26,479 --> 00:24:28,772
- I'm BoJack the horse
- BoJack
510
00:24:28,856 --> 00:24:30,191
♪ BoJack the horse ♪
511
00:24:30,274 --> 00:24:33,194
♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪
512
00:24:35,988 --> 00:24:40,076
♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪
513
00:24:40,159 --> 00:24:41,494
♪ It's been so long ♪
514
00:24:41,578 --> 00:24:45,081
♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪
515
00:24:45,164 --> 00:24:46,457
♪ I guess I'll just try ♪
516
00:24:46,541 --> 00:24:48,626
♪ And make you understand ♪
517
00:24:48,709 --> 00:24:53,005
♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪
518
00:24:53,089 --> 00:24:57,134
♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
519
00:24:57,218 --> 00:24:58,553
♪ BoJack ♪
520
00:25:01,847 --> 00:25:03,015
Boxer versus raptor.
521
00:25:03,099 --> 00:25:05,059
♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪
522
00:25:05,109 --> 00:25:09,659
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