All language subtitles for Youre the Worst s03e08 Males.eng

(clock ticking)

So, Gretchen,

there's a topic we haven't broached yet.

How you seem to only own one pair of jeans?

You've been so focused on Jimmy's dad.

Has that stirred up any
feelings about your father?

Nope!

What about your mom?

I've noticed some tension
around the subject.

Tension? My mom's a
baller-ass boss. End of story.

(gasps) Did you see
Wheel last night?

Someone almost hit the
million-dollar wedge.

I remember when they
brought that out in '08,

I was like, "What? That is nuts."

So, would you say she's
controlling, manipulative?

If I biffed a tennis match,

she would take away my sheets and pillows.

But that is what made me strong.

My friends had chill
parents who didn't push them,

and now they're all unmotivated babies.

Maybe if they had a mom like mine,

they wouldn't be the pieces of
shit that they are currently.

You know what?

I'm gonna fix those shitty
babies, just like my mom would.

I would actually advise you not
interfere with your friends' lives.

Too late. Doing it.

Of course you are.

(sniffs) Okay, Gretchen.

(clears throat) This is
obviously not working.

The defensiveness, the mid-session naps,

the things you're writing on the
bathroom stalls, the name calling...

Oh, see, that one's on you.
You let a dog on the bed once...

No one is forcing you to be here.

Are you firing me?

You don't fire me. I fire you.

Okay.

(scoffs softly) Wait.

Uh, let's compromise. Uh...

if I fix my friends and prove
that I'm right about my mom,

do you promise not to fire me?

I'm not firing you.

That is not a compromise.

And I don't agree to any of it.

Great. Deal.

Seriously,

jeans are, like, 20 bucks at H&M.

Get on it.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

(video game sound effects)

(elephant trumpets)

What are you doing?

Zoo Entrepreneur?
What the hell is this?

It's a highly invigorating game
in which one builds a virtual zoo.

Mine's called "Jimmy's
Spectacular Zoo of Wonder

"and Animal Friends

Plus Cinnabons, Parenthesis
No Edgars Allowed."

And you're a professional writer.

Gretchen, feeding the giraffe
and washing the rhinoceri

exercises everything that a
writer needs for a productive day:

problem solving, imagination, word having.

What's your giraffe's name?

- Necky.
- Jimmy, you have a deadline!

You need to be writing!

Gretchen, it's all writing!

No, it's not.

Playing, literally, the
world's most boring game

- is not writing.
- (gasps)

You know what's writing? (gasps)

- Writing!
- Sorry, bor... boring?

Why, just yesterday a seven-year-old
fell into the koala enclosure.

He was not injured.

But he sure was severely nuzzled.

Gretchen, what are you... No!

No, plug the router back
in! My zoo is cloud-based.

You show me some progress on your book,

and maybe you'll get this back.

Uh, my female elephant has severe ADHD.

If I don't provide her
with constant stimuli,

she'll suck all the hair off her tail.

What's your elephant's name?

Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.

Trunky.

(sighs)

(moaning): Oh, yes.

Oh, that's so good.

Do it.

PAUL: Ooh, would you look at that?

A new pok? place just
opened up on Barrington.

Actor Peter Gallagher has shaved
$100,000 off the listing for his home,

which features mature fruit trees.

Imagine that.

- (panting, moaning)
- Oh.

The bulky item drop-off
event is next weekend.

We could dispose of the broken wine fridge.

- Pull my hair.
- What?

Another iOS update?

These things are quite the nuisance, but...

- Choke me.
- ...necessary for stability.

- Almost there.
- Oh, my God, Lindsay.

Did you know that every time
you evacuate your bowels,

- you lose one-third...
- Almost there!

- ...of the bacteria...
- I'm almost there!

...in your body.

Goddamn it!

Isn't that amazing? (chuckles)

Oh. Huh.

KILLIAN: "Simon startled,
pulsing with desire,

"for he had dreamed of Kitty again.

"He wondered if at that moment,

she was dreaming of him, moist and..."

This is the worst day for
me to be absent from the zoo.

I didn't order extra
pellets for the petting zoo.

There's no way that those goats don't
develop a taste for human fingers.

Can't do this today.

You promised your agent two more
chapters by the end of the week.

Well, we all make promises
we can't keep, Killian.

- (door opens)
- Like you, with your

Presidential Fitness Challenge.

(door closes)

Uh, are you okay?

Ever since my dad's roast, I've felt odd.

Just aimless, but suddenly awakened.

Like I'm accessing areas of my brain
that have been shut off for years.

I feel like Bradley Cooper,
you know, in that movie, uh...

- Aloha.
- ...Limitless.

What is that body of water down there?

Is it some sort of public
wash for the destitute?

Have you seriously never
been to the reservoir?

There's a park, a running
trail, a rec center.

Well, that settles that.

To the...

reservoir I shall go.

I'd go with you,

but I'm actually working
on a new Dr. Weed video.

- (door closes)
- Did I ever tell you

about my character, Dr. Weed?

He's this doctor who loves weed, but...

Mister?

Do you have any extra foods?

Oh.

Lindsay, you're a mess, right?

Boy howdy.

So, what is going on in your life that
I can berate you into fixing my way?

Hmm. Let's see.

Well, I was having sex with this hunk

named Raul, and I was about to splooge,

but then Paul kept talking
and it went back inside.

(chuckles): I still can't
believe you're cucking Paul.

- I'm what now?
- Cuckolding.

It's a subgenre of femdom.

Well, whatever it is, Paul's ruining it.

I just want to be normal and cheat on my
husband without feeling guilty about it.

And here you are sulking
about it like a loser.

You know what winners do?

They take what they want, no matter what.

So what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna...

tell Paul to go away the next
time I want to pork a rando?

And don't you come back
without results, young lady,

or else no Must See TV for you!

Why are you being so bossy?

Not bossy, Lindsay.

Maternal.

(gasps)

-
Rusty cities

You retrieved the projectile.

But why?

-
I know

-
I know

-
I know

(howling)

(howling)

Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?

(East L.A. accent): Okay. Our first
letter comes from Randall in Lubbock.

- (Southern accent): "Dear Dr. Weed...
- (door closes)

"...every soap I use in the
shower dries my skin out."

(East L.A. accent): Randall,
this is a very common problem.

My diagnosis is: twice a day, I want you...

to smoke more weed...!

What's going on here?

(normal voice): Uh, cut.

Uh, just answering viewer mail.

I-I write the questions myself.

So what's the goal with this?

Oh, nothing. It's just something dumb

I put on the Internet for my vet friends.

So you're wasting your
most valuable resource...

- My talent?
- ...your time, for no reason.

Edgar, this has potential.

Really? Thanks.

- Because, you know, I thought...
- But just because you got

your period at 11 does
not make you a woman.

Look, if you're gonna do these
videos, you got to do them all the way.

(stammers)

Okay.

First, we're gonna blast the video sites

- and anything veteran related.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll sneak it to some contacts.

Hey!

You have a comment from a journalist.

"I'm producing a new piece on
how marijuana can help veterans,

and I'd love to interview you."

So have you reached out to him?

Nah. I don't really
want that much attention.

What's wrong?

Are you mad at me?

Sometimes I think I care
more about this than you do.

No, no. I'm-I'm sorry.

I was just nervous. I'll e-mail the guy.

Hey, hey.

Is that the shirt you're wearing?

Hmm.

(kids chattering playfully)

(men chattering, basketball bouncing)

MAN: Oh, yeah.

Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it.

Go in, go in, go in, go in!

- Yeah!
- JIMMY: Yay!

Let's go. Let's run next.

You want in?

Well, I am trying new things today.

I am in.

Whose, uh... whose squad shall I be on?

The other one.

Screen, screen, screen.

Hey, hey, hey! You, you, you!

- Watch screen, screen!
- Yeah!

Shoot it!

Yes!

I win! I win.

(panting)

What an invigorating hand sport.

How often do you, uh, you fellows play?

(Jimmy screams)

Ow, my ankle!

W-We forfeit!

My-my team forfeits!

(groaning)

Nice and clean.

(shudders)

So clean.

(clears throat)

Hey.

Bear, can we talk?

Of course.

I love you so much.

And I want to keep being honest with you.

- Oh, God.
- I just noticed how hard

it's been for you when Raul is around.

So, for your sake, I'll spend
time with him, or whoever,

somewhere else, so you won't have to watch.

For you.

You can't have relations with
other men when I'm not there.

That's adultery.

Well, you're clearly not enjoying cucking.

Which is what we're doing.

And it's ruining it for me.

I am doing the hard work
to be a better partner

and tell you what I need.

And if you can't handle it...

I just don't know, Paul.

I just don't know.

So...

this cucking is something
many women fantasize about?

All of them. They all do.

(sighs)

Boy. Now I'm embarrassed by my prudishness.

Well, if this is an established,

rudimentary fetish, then I suppose

I am up for the challenge.

I'm going to research
this fantasy of yours.

You'll see.

I'll be the best cuck ever.

For our family.

Family.

(groans) Are you sure it's not broken?

It's just a sprain. So what happened?

(sighs) I was hooping "b-ball"

with some diverse local athletes.

Sick.

I am so stoked you called me for this.

Well, don't have insurance, so...

Anyway, thanks.

Uh-uh. We made a deal.

- I'm doing your podcast.
- You promised!

I don't care. I'm not...

Although, before yesterday,
I thought I hated dogs,

sports, hipster picnics and
unrefrigerated cart fruit, too.

Do you know what? I will do it.

Hell yeah! This is
gonna be the best episode

since Adam Pally did that extended
bit where he pretended he was pissed

and didn't know why he was doing my show.

You're slouching.

Okay, almost ready.

- Okay.
- Good.

Edgar, tell the nice
man what we talked about.

(whispers): What's the blue screen for?

Edgar. You can ask him.

What's the blue screen for?

Oh, uh, we have a really cool digital set
that we composite in, like Tosh.0.

- And this card?
- White balance.

(whispers): White balance.

Just bring it up a little bit. Good.

Okay.

So, can you introduce yourself?

Well, my name is Edgar Quintero.

6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.

And what's your experience
with the V.A. been like?

The V.A. is a great institution,

but they're underfunded and understaffed.

People are literally dying

because they can't get
the health care they need.

And how long have you been
treating your PTSD with marijuana?

Oh, um, th...

that wasn't...

that's not really...

I'm just not comfortable being
so open about my self-medicating.

Plus, this is all a lot
fancier than I expected.

They got a blue screen like Tosh.0.

Honey... you're doing great.

Now, if you don't get back out there,

we are not stopping for
milkshakes on the way home.

(exhales)

I have tried a bunch of treatments,

but nothing has fixed my PTSD.

Lately though, I found that s...

smoking pot has been really effective.

I even kind of feel
like a real person again.

I don't know if marijuana
works for everyone,

but it seems to be working for me.

(TV playing quietly)

Is it bedtime?

It's still day.

Bedtime's for night.

As promised, wife, I've been researching

this cuckolding fetish we now have.

Oh?

Certain men intuit that they are
genetically inferior beta males.

So they get aroused by
watching their partners copulate

with someone of superior DNA, e.g. Raul.

Furthermore, I have a special
present for you, my hot wife.

(giggles) Where's my present?

Right here.

The cage symbolizes the
cuck's sexual inferiority

and genital unworthiness.

By associating sexual arousal with...

(strained): extreme pain,

my body will slowly learn
that I do not deserve

- erotic satisfaction.
- (cage locks)

Oh, God.

- Okay, Paul...
- (knock on door)

Part deux of my surprise. (chuckles)

Raul.

Raul's friend.

Good day.

You may take what you want.

Oh, boy.

This is humiliating.

Your genetic superiority
is extremely emasculating.

Oh, boy, that's my wife.

I'm a worm.

I'm a worm.

That's my wife!

I'm a worm! Oh, oh.

The cage!

Oh, the cage.

I was not expecting this.

Dude, I have, like, 20,000 subscribers.

Vernon, the guest shower is
completely clogged by your curly hair.

I swear to God, if you're
not taking your Propecia...

Hi, Jimmy. Let's test your levels, huh?

- You're on the podcast?
- Don't sound so shocked.

I interned for Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

- (harmonica plays)
- ANNOUNCER: This is Balloon Knot Media.

(fart sound)

Welcome to Vernon Down the
House on Balloon Knot Media.

I am Dr. Vernon Barbara, joined, as always,

by my lovely wife and sidekick...

Uh, cohost.

Hey, Bec. Aw, did I say "sidekick" again?

Hey, Vern. Uh, yeah, you
did, you stinker. (chuckles)

VERNON: Visiting the man cave this week

is a very special guest;
he's a best-selling author,

and one of my all-time best buds,

- Jimmy Shive-Overly.
- (canned applause)

Welcome, Jimmy.

Uh, thank you.

- So great.
- So, Jimmy, where you from?

Savannah, Georgia.

(both laugh loudly)

That's great.

Uh, I'm actually from a
small town outside Manchester.

England.

Oh, Jimmy, you are just too much.

Ah, that is great stuff.

So, Jimmy, are you in
a good place right now?

Yes.

Even with the recent death of your father?

BECCA: Oh, yeah. It gets
real in the man cave.

He made Adam Pally cry.

That guy's got some stuff.

- (brief dramatic music)
- WOMAN (echoes): Dra-ma!

Um... well, we had a memorial
service the other day.

That helped me get some closure.

And why was closure important?

(ticking clock sound)

- (ticking stops)
- Well, I guess my role in the family

was basically to annoy him, so...

So you could get the attention
you wouldn't otherwise get.

Is that why you moved to L.A.,

- became a writer?
- BECCA: Had your nipple pierced

for two weeks, or fostered
that boa constrictor?

Aw, Squeezy.

Sounds like quite the weight
has been lifted off you, then.

Yeah.

Guess it sort of has.

So, what's next for Jimmy?

I've been working on my new book.

Although, to be honest,

I haven't been getting
much writing done lately.

But I thought you only became
a writer to piss off your dad.

Yes, I did become a
writer to make him angry.

So, if he's gone, why are you still
living your life in reaction to him?

So, if I'm not writing,

because I have no one to
write against anymore...

...who am I?

- That's what I'm saying.
- That's what he's saying.

- (harp plays a scale)
- VOICES: Insight.

I can start over now.

Not in reaction to anyone,

but in accordance to my authentic self,

whomever I was meant to be!

(chuckles): Oh, my God!

What if what I was
actually meant to do is...

I'm gonna stop you right there.
Got to pay some bills. Bec?

- (guitar music plays)
- This week's Vernon Down the House

is exclusively sponsored by Red Napkin.

Guys, I love Red Napkin,
for so many reasons.

(fading): You know how sometimes
you want a za'atar-spiced

fennel stromboli, but you
don't want to leave the house?

Hey, hon, you hungry?

Don't "hon" me!

Look at what you did.

Those numbers don't lie!

You know what else doesn't lie?

War heroes!

My name is Edgar Quintero,
6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.

Smoking pot fixed my PTSD.

The V.A.... expects all of
us... to shut the hell up.

Marijuana works for everyone.

People are literally dying
because they can't get marijuana.

People literally... dying.

- They're... dying. People... are dying.
- (militaristic rock music plays)

_

_

(TV turns off)

You got me in with the pot people.

They're the worst people.

Worse than people who study
abroad or atheists or...

Ooh, what about children
of celebrities who pretend

that it didn't help their careers.

These pot activists leech off of
people with legitimate problems

in order to further their agenda,

which is just getting high!

Why did you make me do this?!

I was looking out for your best interests.

Yeah, well, I'm done with Dr. Weed.

Hey! If I quit every time

my mother pushed me to do something hard,

I wouldn't have... I-I...

Okay, well, I guess I did quit eventually

to start doing drugs and
having unprotected sex

with college boys.

But the point...

No! No more advice!

I hate you.

(gasps) I was trying
to help you fill your...

(door opens, closes)

(sighs)

Look what I made! I went to Kinko's.

Talked to some undergrads making a 'zine.

It's a lovely place. Anyway, turns out

I've been living my entire
life in opposition to my father.

And now that he's dead, I
have no idea who I really am.

Am I even a writer? Who knows?

Maybe I'm meant to be a master carpenter,

slash tree house architect,
slash singer-songwriter.

(chuckles) Anyways, although
my zoo animals are likely dead

or escaped, I'd like to thank
you for taking that router

and forcing me to explore the world.

Okay.

I'm gonna go into the backyard and test
some branches for load-bearing capacity.

(door opens, closes)

(phone chimes)

_

Hey.

Oh, sorry.

- Look...
- Jesus Christ.

- Ugh, what is that?!
- What...

Order mozzarella sticks
like a person. (gags)

Anyway, I-I don't want you to
cream your jeans or anything

'cause I know they're your only pair,

but maybe my mom wasn't so great.

Seriously? What, did you hack my e-mail?

I mean, the pressure made me rad,

but have you ever slept with no sheets?

So scratchy.

Five out of ten. Would bang.

- Yup, that's her.
- GRETCHEN: Actually,

that was the first time
I fell into a depression.

-

and I had won,

but not by enough, 'cause
it was never enough.

And my mom was doing this...
this food withholding thing.

I think she saw something
about it on a TV show

as a way to control your dog or something.

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