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1
00:00:01,982 --> 00:00:11,716
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:14,937 --> 00:00:16,607
Oh, God.
3
00:00:18,110 --> 00:00:19,578
What's with the hat?
4
00:00:19,647 --> 00:00:21,382
Drew's getting ready
for Jenna's party,
5
00:00:21,449 --> 00:00:23,393
and he thought he'd have
a little fun at my expense.
6
00:00:23,487 --> 00:00:24,854
If you're so upset about it,
7
00:00:24,922 --> 00:00:26,523
why are you wagging your tail?
8
00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,059
Sarcastically, Ryan.
9
00:00:28,127 --> 00:00:30,663
If you don't take
this thing off me right now,
10
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,399
I'm gonna give myself
dead possum breath
11
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,500
and breathe in your face.
12
00:00:33,568 --> 00:00:34,970
You know what?
13
00:00:35,039 --> 00:00:37,073
I think you can
get it off yourself.
14
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:38,474
Oh, Ryan, please!
15
00:00:38,542 --> 00:00:41,043
This elastic band is causing me
16
00:00:41,111 --> 00:00:42,679
unimaginable discomfort!
17
00:00:44,450 --> 00:00:48,322
Wait... I know how to do this.
18
00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:52,894
Did you see this
Evite that Drew sent out?
19
00:00:52,962 --> 00:00:54,163
Corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite?
20
00:00:54,230 --> 00:00:55,565
Yeah. So?
21
00:00:55,632 --> 00:00:57,100
This party sounds horrible.
22
00:00:57,167 --> 00:00:58,968
Does Drew actually think
Jenna's gonna like this?
23
00:00:59,037 --> 00:01:00,438
And plus,
the party's on Saturday
24
00:01:00,505 --> 00:01:01,745
and he just sent the Evite out.
25
00:01:01,774 --> 00:01:03,476
Look, we both know
26
00:01:03,544 --> 00:01:07,214
that Drew's not...
How did that even get there?
27
00:01:09,118 --> 00:01:11,352
JENNA:
Hey!
28
00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:13,088
Just getting some dinner
for me and Drew.
29
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:16,365
Yeah, I just picked up
some dinner for... me.
30
00:01:16,485 --> 00:01:18,161
You're coming on
Saturday, right?
31
00:01:18,228 --> 00:01:20,663
Uh, I-I don't know
what you mean.
32
00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:22,131
I know about the party.
33
00:01:22,199 --> 00:01:23,933
Drew accidentally put me
on the Evite.
34
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,468
Really? That's too bad.
That's okay.
35
00:01:25,536 --> 00:01:27,637
I know his heart's
in the right place,
36
00:01:27,705 --> 00:01:29,038
but I have to admit,
37
00:01:29,106 --> 00:01:30,940
Drew's parties
aren't exactly...
38
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,508
I just hope you can be there.
39
00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:33,976
Definitely.
40
00:01:34,044 --> 00:01:36,779
I knew she'd be bummed out.
41
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,648
Then I guess it's up
to Drew to make up
42
00:01:38,716 --> 00:01:40,183
for his shitty party
by hitting it later
43
00:01:40,251 --> 00:01:42,018
that night from the front,
human style.
44
00:01:43,421 --> 00:01:44,982
Can I have the business
section, please?
45
00:01:46,591 --> 00:01:48,459
Maybe I should say
something to Drew.
46
00:01:48,527 --> 00:01:50,962
Or at least get Jenna
a nice gift,
47
00:01:51,031 --> 00:01:52,698
something that
she'd actually want.
48
00:01:52,766 --> 00:01:54,600
Good luck.
49
00:01:54,668 --> 00:01:56,769
You'll have a hard time
beating Mr. Patel's gift.
50
00:01:56,837 --> 00:01:58,972
He gave her a sex collar
to put on Drew.
51
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,307
A sex collar?
52
00:02:00,375 --> 00:02:02,443
That was a shock collar.
He gave it to Jenna
53
00:02:02,511 --> 00:02:04,446
to put on you because
he's sick of your barking.
54
00:02:04,514 --> 00:02:06,215
Really?
55
00:02:06,282 --> 00:02:08,651
Oh. That wasn't nice of him.
56
00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:10,921
What do you think
Jenna would want?
57
00:02:10,988 --> 00:02:13,591
Earrings? A sweater?
58
00:02:13,658 --> 00:02:16,060
Well, she's getting
up there in years.
59
00:02:16,128 --> 00:02:18,964
What about a book on how to
play bridge or a sewing kit?
60
00:02:19,031 --> 00:02:21,300
Jenna's only turning 30.
That's not that old.
61
00:02:21,368 --> 00:02:22,635
Yes, it is.
62
00:02:22,703 --> 00:02:24,003
I'm, like, nine.
63
00:02:24,071 --> 00:02:25,439
I can't even imagine
turning 30.
64
00:02:25,506 --> 00:02:27,474
Every human year
is seven dog years.
65
00:02:27,542 --> 00:02:28,776
You're 63.
66
00:02:28,843 --> 00:02:32,680
Holy shit.
67
00:02:32,748 --> 00:02:33,982
I'm, like... old.
68
00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:35,617
Come on.
You've still got
69
00:02:35,685 --> 00:02:37,219
a lot of life ahead of you.
70
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:38,787
This is terrible.
71
00:02:38,855 --> 00:02:42,358
That means I've got 42,
maybe 49 years left?
72
00:02:42,426 --> 00:02:43,793
And then after I'm gone,
73
00:02:43,861 --> 00:02:45,395
all the wondrous
things I've done:
74
00:02:45,463 --> 00:02:47,965
the adventures, the hijinks,
the naps in between...
75
00:02:48,033 --> 00:02:50,201
it'll all be forgotten.
76
00:02:50,269 --> 00:02:51,936
You'll live on, Wilfred.
77
00:02:52,004 --> 00:02:53,938
I'll tell my kids about you.
78
00:02:54,006 --> 00:02:55,306
I appreciate that, Ryan,
79
00:02:55,374 --> 00:02:56,854
but to have kids
you need to have sex.
80
00:02:59,044 --> 00:03:00,745
Hey, Ryan, see you tomorrow.
81
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:02,180
Hey, um...
82
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:04,049
about the surprise party,
83
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:05,817
corn dogs and beer
sounds... awesome.
84
00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:08,187
Beyond awesome.
But I was thinking
85
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,689
you know that gourmet
taco place that Jenna likes?
86
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:13,425
What if I talked to them
about catering the party?
87
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,294
You don't have
to do that, Ryan.
88
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,282
You just being there
is the most important thing.
89
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,698
Well, I'm sure you've got
your hands full
90
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,266
with all the planning,
91
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,235
and all I'd really do
is handle the food.
92
00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:24,704
Well, I've never really
been a taco guy.
93
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:26,839
I don't speak Spanish, so...
94
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,476
Oh, and you know what?
95
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,712
My sister has a margarita
maker that I can borrow,
96
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,647
so we can make it
sort of a Mexican theme.
97
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,648
You wouldn't mind?
98
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,749
Not at all.
99
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,484
It's just tacos, right?
100
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,953
So with the heat lamps,
if I decide tomorrow
101
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:43,256
(knocking on door) that we'll need them,
what's the additional fee
102
00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:44,357
to have them brought in
with the tables?
103
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,025
(knocking continues)
104
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:49,163
Uh, sorry, can I call back
in, like, ten minutes?
105
00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:50,497
Why weren't you waiting for me
106
00:03:50,565 --> 00:03:52,366
in the driveway to help me?
107
00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:54,168
You're an hour early.
So?
108
00:03:54,236 --> 00:03:56,738
(baby fusses)
109
00:03:56,805 --> 00:03:59,274
So, where's this new roommate
I've been hearing about?
110
00:03:59,341 --> 00:04:00,775
Um, she went to visit
her boyfriend.
111
00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:02,343
He lives up north.
Someone's cranky 'cause
112
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:05,412
they missed their nap today,
Oh, I'm sort of busy
113
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,615
at the moment, but if you want
to put Joffrey down in the...
114
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,749
I was talking about me.
I'm exhausted, Ryan.
115
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:13,019
I was hoping you could watch him
for an hour while I take a nap.
116
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,887
(door shuts)
117
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,756
(Joffrey crying)
WILFRED: I looked in the mirror
118
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,357
again this morning.
Guess what I found?
119
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:23,195
8,867,322 gray hairs.
120
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,632
Ryan, are you even
listening to me?
121
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,401
This is so obnoxious
of Kristen.
122
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,269
I still have to call
the taco place
123
00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:31,771
and look at decorations.
124
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,006
So you're organizing
Jenna's party now?
125
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:37,277
No, I'm just trying to make sure
it's not a total disaster.
126
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:40,280
Why do you care so much?
Because she's my friend
127
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,108
and it's her 30th birthday--
it's a big deal.
128
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:43,983
Oh, really?
Just a friend?
129
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,818
I think we're past that by now.
130
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,653
Ryan, you should
stop lying to yourself.
131
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,621
Either roll the dice
and go for it,
132
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:52,124
knowing that I will
bite off and eat your dick,
133
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,525
or stop hanging
around with her.
134
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:55,527
I mean, you can't be
friends with someone you...
135
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,262
I'm not gonna do that,
136
00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:59,230
because I don't think of her
that way anymore, okay?
137
00:04:59,298 --> 00:05:00,331
If you say so.
138
00:05:00,399 --> 00:05:01,833
Look, if you're gonna stay here,
139
00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:03,501
can you at least help me
with Joffrey?
140
00:05:03,568 --> 00:05:05,703
Go in the diaper bag and get me
out one of his toys
141
00:05:05,771 --> 00:05:06,804
or a storybook or something.
142
00:05:06,872 --> 00:05:07,872
Oh, you want a story?
143
00:05:07,939 --> 00:05:09,306
Here's a story for you:
144
00:05:09,374 --> 00:05:11,175
It's called
"Ryan the Non-Carer."
145
00:05:11,243 --> 00:05:14,312
"Wilfred was contemplating
his ultimate demise,
146
00:05:14,379 --> 00:05:17,014
but his non-caring best friend
was completely ignoring him."
147
00:05:17,082 --> 00:05:18,749
No, let me tell you a story.
148
00:05:18,817 --> 00:05:19,951
It's called:
149
00:05:20,018 --> 00:05:23,388
"Wilfred the Annoying Dog."
150
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:27,392
(gentle, higher-pitched): You know, some dogs
are good at Frisbee or loyalty,
151
00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:30,896
but the only thing Wilfred was
good at was being annoying.
152
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,598
Like last week,
153
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,167
when he threw Ryan's
cell phone into a pond
154
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,002
and laughed and chanted "nerd"
155
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,704
at him for 20 minutes straight.
156
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:39,939
KRISTEN:
Ryan?
157
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,341
Kristen! I was, uh...
158
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:45,144
I saw what you were doing.
159
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,914
Making up a story for Joffrey?
160
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,915
It was a little weird,
but it was good.
161
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,784
I was just... goofing around.
162
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:52,952
Well, Joffrey seemed to like it.
163
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:53,953
It's better than this bullshit.
164
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,322
Hop on Pop? Sick.
165
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:02,161
God, I thought
she'd never leave.
166
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,195
Did you steal Joffrey's books?
167
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:06,365
Ryan, I finally figured it out.
168
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:09,635
Babar, Clifford,
Arthur the Aardvark,
169
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,904
that stank-ass old rabbit lady
from Goodnight Moon.
170
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,006
What do all these
animals have in common?
171
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,741
They have 20-page picture
books written about them?
172
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,209
Biographies!
173
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,078
Right now, millions of parents
174
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,047
are reading them to their kids.
175
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,982
They'll be doing it
for decades, centuries,
176
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,850
till the end of time.
177
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,452
Don't you get it?
178
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,053
This will be my legacy.
179
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,822
And you will help me write it.
180
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:31,957
Can't you just
write it yourself?
181
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:33,691
I already tried,
182
00:06:33,759 --> 00:06:36,027
but I couldn't
capture my essence
183
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:38,729
the way a great admirer
like yourself could.
184
00:06:38,797 --> 00:06:41,732
Fine, I'll write your book
after I finish helping Drew.
185
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,501
No, no, no, no, the Muses are
speaking to me now, Ryan.
186
00:06:44,569 --> 00:06:45,736
I can't right now--
I just got
187
00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:47,371
a number for the mariachi band.
188
00:06:47,439 --> 00:06:48,959
I have to see if...
(auto-dial beeping)
189
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,708
You said you're doing this
for Jenna, right?
190
00:06:50,776 --> 00:06:52,176
Well, I'm doing this
for her, too.
191
00:06:52,244 --> 00:06:53,678
You're doing this
for your "legacy."
192
00:06:53,745 --> 00:06:55,313
I'm twice as old as her.
193
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:58,683
After I'm gone,
she'll probably get another dog,
194
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,987
and little by little,
she'll forget all about me.
195
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:07,159
I want to give her something
to remember me by.
196
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:10,029
I want this to be
my special gift to her.
197
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:14,067
All right, we can do it,
but we have to do it fast.
198
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,002
Oh, God!
What is that?
199
00:07:16,070 --> 00:07:16,900
Dead possum breath.
200
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,386
Sorry. I wasn't sure
you'd say yes.
201
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,307
I had to cover all bases.
202
00:07:25,134 --> 00:07:26,430
My biography--
203
00:07:26,550 --> 00:07:29,036
it's gotta be honest,
it's gotta be gritty,
204
00:07:29,104 --> 00:07:30,702
but it also has to
sing off the page;
205
00:07:30,822 --> 00:07:33,616
I'm talking Rikki-Tikki-Tavi
or early George.
206
00:07:33,736 --> 00:07:35,377
George?
Curious?
207
00:07:35,745 --> 00:07:38,147
Later George just wallows
in its own density.
208
00:07:38,215 --> 00:07:39,915
Something like,
209
00:07:39,983 --> 00:07:41,546
The Berenstain Bears Visitthe Dentist?
210
00:07:41,666 --> 00:07:43,619
Visit the Dentist
is beach reading.
211
00:07:43,686 --> 00:07:45,120
Sure, I'm along for the ride,
212
00:07:45,188 --> 00:07:46,988
but is it transcendent
in any way?
213
00:07:47,056 --> 00:07:50,258
Besides, it's totally
derivative of Aardvark.
214
00:07:50,326 --> 00:07:52,427
Why don't you tell me
some things about your life?
215
00:07:52,495 --> 00:07:54,696
Good idea.
216
00:07:54,764 --> 00:07:57,099
Let's start at the beginning.
217
00:07:57,166 --> 00:07:59,935
The day Jenna found me,
218
00:08:00,003 --> 00:08:02,738
I'd just run away
from my previous owner.
219
00:08:02,805 --> 00:08:04,739
It was February.
220
00:08:04,807 --> 00:08:06,841
I was homeless on the streets
221
00:08:06,909 --> 00:08:07,909
of Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin.
222
00:08:07,977 --> 00:08:09,477
I was hungry.
223
00:08:09,545 --> 00:08:11,546
I was thirsty.
224
00:08:11,613 --> 00:08:13,481
Not a Snausage to my name.
225
00:08:13,549 --> 00:08:15,149
The wind against my face
226
00:08:15,217 --> 00:08:17,784
was like the cruel
whip of winter.
227
00:08:17,852 --> 00:08:19,552
Okay, I think I've got it.
228
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:22,456
"Once upon a time,
there was a dog named Wilfred."
229
00:08:22,523 --> 00:08:26,826
Yeah, that's really good.
230
00:08:26,894 --> 00:08:31,292
So, if I remember correctly,
she took me to a pet store,
231
00:08:31,359 --> 00:08:35,823
and she bought some food,
some dog bowls, a few toys,
232
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:39,025
and one of those tug ropes.
233
00:08:39,092 --> 00:08:43,261
It was white and...
beige, I think.
234
00:08:43,329 --> 00:08:45,563
Shit, this is starting
to sound lame, isn't it?
235
00:08:45,630 --> 00:08:47,698
It's your life.
It is what it is.
236
00:08:50,568 --> 00:08:53,470
And-And then a man
came into the pet store.
237
00:08:53,538 --> 00:08:56,171
He pulls out a gun,
he points it at the cashier,
238
00:08:56,239 --> 00:08:58,206
and he says, "Give me your
money, you stupid bitch!"
239
00:08:58,274 --> 00:08:59,574
That really happened?
Yeah.
240
00:08:59,642 --> 00:09:02,543
And so I run over there,
I bite him in the leg,
241
00:09:02,611 --> 00:09:04,651
I pull down his pants,
then pull down his underwear,
242
00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:06,580
and I say, "Who's the stupid
bitch now, huh?!"
243
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:10,216
Which made the entire store,
like, heave with laughter.
244
00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:12,985
Why don't we just skip
to the things that you've done
245
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,920
that you're the most proud of;
246
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,423
the things that you really want
Jenna to remember about you?
247
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,225
Okay.
248
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:22,227
Well, obviously, I want her
to remember the days we spent
249
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,696
walking in the beautiful woods
behind her house.
250
00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:26,830
That sounds nice.
251
00:09:26,898 --> 00:09:28,632
And how there was this family
252
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:31,534
of deranged, inbred woodsmen
who lived deep in the forest.
253
00:09:31,602 --> 00:09:33,435
And one day, I overheard them
254
00:09:33,503 --> 00:09:35,404
talking about killing
Jenna's entire family
255
00:09:35,472 --> 00:09:37,573
so they could use their
skin as toilet paper.
256
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,508
So, that night,
I tied them all up,
257
00:09:39,575 --> 00:09:42,177
and I arranged this one
woodsman's body so it looked
258
00:09:42,244 --> 00:09:44,879
like it was giving this other
woodsman head, which made all
259
00:09:44,947 --> 00:09:46,847
the other woodsman, like,
heave with laughter!
260
00:09:46,915 --> 00:09:48,415
You realize I'm the one
261
00:09:48,483 --> 00:09:50,350
that has to give this book
to Jenna, right?
262
00:09:50,418 --> 00:09:51,885
She's gonna think I'm the one
263
00:09:51,953 --> 00:09:53,620
who came up
with all this crazy shit.
264
00:09:53,687 --> 00:09:54,521
"Crazy shit"?!
265
00:09:54,588 --> 00:09:55,622
All I'm saying is,
266
00:09:55,689 --> 00:09:57,590
if you're gonna tell your story,
267
00:09:57,658 --> 00:09:59,125
tell the real story--
that's what Jenna would want.
268
00:09:59,193 --> 00:10:01,094
This is my real story, Ryan!
269
00:10:01,162 --> 00:10:03,629
(phone rings)
270
00:10:03,697 --> 00:10:05,097
Ah, it's the mariachi band.
271
00:10:05,165 --> 00:10:06,765
It can wait.
No, it can't wait.
272
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:08,700
Plus, I have to meet
Drew in a half an hour.
273
00:10:08,768 --> 00:10:09,868
We're gonna have
to do this later.
274
00:10:09,936 --> 00:10:10,835
Later when?!
275
00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:12,804
I don't know. Tonight.
276
00:10:12,871 --> 00:10:14,739
Hello? Yes.
277
00:10:14,807 --> 00:10:17,508
You can't put genius on hold!
278
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:21,278
Dude, the Muses are basically
all up on my nuts right now!
279
00:10:24,048 --> 00:10:25,848
(phone beeps off)
Hey.
280
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:27,383
Is Drew home yet?
281
00:10:27,451 --> 00:10:29,285
Uh, no, but he-he should
be back soon.
282
00:10:31,521 --> 00:10:32,722
Were you smoking?
283
00:10:32,789 --> 00:10:34,457
I quit seven years ago,
284
00:10:34,524 --> 00:10:38,126
but I've just been feeling
so anxious, so I...
285
00:10:38,194 --> 00:10:39,894
I know everyone turns 30.
286
00:10:39,962 --> 00:10:41,763
It's just another year.
287
00:10:41,830 --> 00:10:46,066
My life used to
feel so wide open...
288
00:10:46,134 --> 00:10:49,503
not that I'm unhappy
with the choices I've made...
289
00:10:49,571 --> 00:10:51,705
(groans) Never mind;
I'm just being dramatic.
290
00:10:51,772 --> 00:10:53,807
No, no, I-I get it.
291
00:10:53,874 --> 00:10:56,009
When I turned 30,
292
00:10:56,077 --> 00:10:57,910
I had a birthday
dinner planned,
293
00:10:57,978 --> 00:10:59,912
and at the last second,
294
00:10:59,980 --> 00:11:02,180
my dad made me go
into the office
295
00:11:02,248 --> 00:11:03,815
and spend the entire
night working.
296
00:11:03,882 --> 00:11:06,183
I remember thinking,
297
00:11:06,251 --> 00:11:08,085
"Is this gonna be
the rest of my life?"
298
00:11:08,153 --> 00:11:09,919
You know, when I was little,
299
00:11:09,987 --> 00:11:12,254
my mom used to yell out
at me in public, "Susab!"
300
00:11:12,322 --> 00:11:13,655
"Susab?"
301
00:11:13,723 --> 00:11:15,290
It's an acronym.
302
00:11:15,358 --> 00:11:16,591
"Stand Up Straight
And Breath mint."
303
00:11:16,659 --> 00:11:17,859
Oh! (laughs)
304
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,293
(laughing)
Hey, that's painful.
305
00:11:19,361 --> 00:11:21,361
You're not supposed to laugh.
306
00:11:21,429 --> 00:11:23,062
Oh, come on.
You've met my mom.
307
00:11:23,130 --> 00:11:25,331
(laughing)
308
00:11:25,399 --> 00:11:28,434
Well, hopefully this party
will help cheer you up.
309
00:11:28,501 --> 00:11:30,903
Corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite?
310
00:11:30,971 --> 00:11:32,337
We'll see.
311
00:11:34,507 --> 00:11:36,240
So I'll pick up
the food tomorrow,
312
00:11:36,308 --> 00:11:37,541
bring the decorations,
313
00:11:37,609 --> 00:11:38,909
confirm with the mariachi band.
314
00:11:38,977 --> 00:11:40,310
Oh, I was thinking,
since a couple people
315
00:11:40,378 --> 00:11:41,611
are bringing their kids,
316
00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:43,246
maybe I could make
balloon animals.
317
00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:45,548
Or I could rent a bounce
house tomorrow morning.
318
00:11:45,616 --> 00:11:46,716
Yeah.
319
00:11:46,784 --> 00:11:48,084
Okay.
320
00:11:48,152 --> 00:11:49,552
Uh...
321
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:51,454
that doesn't leave me
anything to do.
322
00:11:51,522 --> 00:11:53,790
You being at the party
is the most important thing.
323
00:11:53,858 --> 00:11:56,460
By the way, I'm worried
Jenna might be onto us.
324
00:11:56,527 --> 00:11:58,428
Should we move the party
to my place?
325
00:11:58,496 --> 00:12:00,364
You know, to be
more of a surprise?
326
00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:07,539
Listen, I've got
some great new ideas.
327
00:12:07,606 --> 00:12:10,241
The Muses have basically
been taking turns
328
00:12:10,309 --> 00:12:12,476
sitting on my face
for the last two hours.
329
00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:15,814
Well, first off,
I did some character designs.
330
00:12:15,881 --> 00:12:17,516
It's, you know,
it's also important to me
331
00:12:17,583 --> 00:12:19,651
that Jenna remember
my tender side.
332
00:12:19,719 --> 00:12:21,819
I'm a lover and a fighter.
333
00:12:21,887 --> 00:12:23,154
Is this a drawing
334
00:12:23,222 --> 00:12:24,589
of you and Bear?
335
00:12:24,657 --> 00:12:26,357
Okay, yeah, I did
give Bear two eyes.
336
00:12:26,425 --> 00:12:28,126
But it's how Bear would
want to be remembered.
337
00:12:28,194 --> 00:12:29,434
I know you want to
impress Jenna
338
00:12:29,465 --> 00:12:31,371
with your life story.
339
00:12:31,439 --> 00:12:32,841
But I can't help you
make this book,
340
00:12:32,909 --> 00:12:34,610
let alone give it
to her tomorrow,
341
00:12:34,678 --> 00:12:37,580
until you stop
deluding yourself.
342
00:12:37,648 --> 00:12:38,915
Deluding myself?
343
00:12:38,983 --> 00:12:40,350
What about you?
344
00:12:40,417 --> 00:12:41,918
"Oh, I'm only planning
Jenna's party
345
00:12:41,985 --> 00:12:44,621
because she's my 'friend'"?
Bullshit!
346
00:12:44,689 --> 00:12:46,390
Okay, even if I did like
Jenna more than a friend,
347
00:12:46,457 --> 00:12:47,925
which I don't,
348
00:12:47,993 --> 00:12:49,560
what would I have to gain
by helping Drew?
349
00:12:49,627 --> 00:12:50,861
He's gonna get all the credit.
350
00:12:50,928 --> 00:12:52,296
Well, as soon as Jenna sees
351
00:12:52,363 --> 00:12:53,798
that corn dogs
and Sheboygan Lite
352
00:12:53,866 --> 00:12:55,568
have transformed
into the perfect party,
353
00:12:55,635 --> 00:12:57,203
she's gonna know
you were behind it,
354
00:12:57,271 --> 00:12:58,638
and give you
a big, grateful hug,
355
00:12:58,706 --> 00:13:00,073
'cause you're her knight
in shining armor.
356
00:13:00,141 --> 00:13:01,341
That's crazy.
357
00:13:01,409 --> 00:13:02,675
You need to stop
lying to yourself,
358
00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:04,044
and either go for it
359
00:13:04,111 --> 00:13:05,345
or cut her out of your life.
360
00:13:05,413 --> 00:13:08,115
Wait! You can't walk
out on me now!
361
00:13:08,182 --> 00:13:09,216
You promised to help me finish
362
00:13:09,283 --> 00:13:11,351
my special gift for Jenna.
363
00:13:11,418 --> 00:13:12,652
I'm going to bed, Wilfred.
364
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,087
Oh...
365
00:13:14,155 --> 00:13:15,195
You know... you know what?
366
00:13:15,256 --> 00:13:16,990
Maybe you're right.
367
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:19,492
You're just trying to make
Jenna's party nice for her,
368
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,930
and, well... I'm sorry
for interfering.
369
00:13:22,997 --> 00:13:24,131
Really?
370
00:13:24,199 --> 00:13:25,532
Yeah.
371
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,335
Just make sure you let
a little pork chileta
372
00:13:28,403 --> 00:13:29,937
fall on the ground
for old Wilfred?
373
00:13:30,004 --> 00:13:31,471
Whatever. Sure.
374
00:13:38,011 --> 00:13:40,279
(alarm beeping)
375
00:13:45,684 --> 00:13:47,519
Good morning.
376
00:13:47,586 --> 00:13:49,254
Hope you had
a good night's sleep,
377
00:13:49,321 --> 00:13:51,523
because we've got a big day
of writing ahead of us.
378
00:13:51,590 --> 00:13:52,690
What?
379
00:13:55,861 --> 00:13:56,861
Is this your shock collar?
380
00:13:58,130 --> 00:13:59,363
(grunting)
381
00:13:59,431 --> 00:14:00,464
Ah, ah, ah.
382
00:14:00,532 --> 00:14:01,498
Aah!
383
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:04,968
(groans)
384
00:14:05,036 --> 00:14:07,203
Ready to get to work, mate?
385
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:12,868
Jenna's party is starting.
386
00:14:12,988 --> 00:14:14,188
The guests are arriving,
387
00:14:14,256 --> 00:14:15,389
and I haven't done anything!
388
00:14:15,457 --> 00:14:16,591
I still have decorations
to put up,
389
00:14:16,658 --> 00:14:17,892
I have to pick up the food...
390
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,927
(knocking at door)
391
00:14:18,994 --> 00:14:20,529
(sighs)
392
00:14:20,596 --> 00:14:22,531
That's probably Drew,
knocking for the 40th time.
393
00:14:22,599 --> 00:14:23,899
(phone ringing)
Okay, and now he's calling again.
394
00:14:23,966 --> 00:14:25,400
We're almost there.
395
00:14:25,468 --> 00:14:27,469
We're just stuck
on the ending, that's all.
396
00:14:27,537 --> 00:14:28,737
We've been stuck
on the ending all day!
397
00:14:28,805 --> 00:14:30,405
That's it.
I'm picking up.
398
00:14:30,473 --> 00:14:33,742
(collar crackles)
Ah! Goddamn it!
399
00:14:33,810 --> 00:14:35,177
Okay.
400
00:14:35,244 --> 00:14:36,745
Y-you want to figure
out the ending?
401
00:14:36,813 --> 00:14:38,247
Um...
402
00:14:38,314 --> 00:14:40,983
H-How about Wilfred
saves the planet
403
00:14:41,051 --> 00:14:42,318
from an alien invasion?
404
00:14:42,385 --> 00:14:44,286
I mean, yeah, I did do that.
405
00:14:44,354 --> 00:14:45,821
But I want the ending
406
00:14:45,889 --> 00:14:48,056
to have more punch,
more pizzazz...
407
00:14:48,124 --> 00:14:48,924
GUESTS:
Surprise!
408
00:14:48,992 --> 00:14:50,592
Surprise! That's it.
409
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:53,328
Every good story
has a surprise at the end.
410
00:14:53,396 --> 00:14:56,599
A-And I remember now.
411
00:14:56,667 --> 00:14:59,135
I didn't just save Earth,
I saved Jupiter and Pluto!
412
00:14:59,203 --> 00:15:01,437
Jupiter the planet,
Pluto the dog!
413
00:15:01,505 --> 00:15:03,139
That's it, Ryan.
That's the ending.
414
00:15:03,207 --> 00:15:05,241
Write it down.
415
00:15:08,145 --> 00:15:09,912
Okay.
416
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:11,781
Now can I go to the party?
Of course.
417
00:15:11,849 --> 00:15:13,249
We can both go.
418
00:15:13,317 --> 00:15:14,350
Hey, wait,
aren't you forgetting something?
419
00:15:14,418 --> 00:15:15,851
You're not gonna still
420
00:15:15,919 --> 00:15:17,653
make me give that book
to Jenna, are you?
421
00:15:17,721 --> 00:15:19,121
That story's totally insane.
422
00:15:19,189 --> 00:15:21,090
Well, it's her birthday today.
423
00:15:21,158 --> 00:15:23,292
And this is my gift for her.
424
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,428
Ergo, you will give it to her.
425
00:15:26,897 --> 00:15:28,431
(collar crackles)
Ah!
426
00:15:28,932 --> 00:15:31,267
(gasping)
427
00:15:31,335 --> 00:15:33,636
WILFRED:
You look good.
428
00:15:33,704 --> 00:15:35,839
Gray is actually
a nice color on you.
429
00:15:35,906 --> 00:15:37,173
It really makes your eyes pop.
430
00:15:37,241 --> 00:15:38,808
I look like a freak.
431
00:15:38,876 --> 00:15:42,445
It's the only thing I had
that could cover the collar.
432
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:44,514
(sighs)
433
00:15:44,582 --> 00:15:45,415
Oh, God.
434
00:15:45,483 --> 00:15:46,716
DREW:
There you are!
435
00:15:46,784 --> 00:15:47,917
Drew.
436
00:15:47,985 --> 00:15:50,186
I am so sorry.
437
00:15:50,254 --> 00:15:52,288
I had a nap at 4:00,
and the alarm didn't go off.
438
00:15:52,355 --> 00:15:53,222
That's no problem.
439
00:15:53,290 --> 00:15:54,623
I was just worried about you.
440
00:15:54,691 --> 00:15:57,226
By the way,
I am loving that t-neck.
441
00:15:57,294 --> 00:15:59,028
Anyway, as you can see,
442
00:15:59,096 --> 00:16:00,897
the party didn't turn out
exactly like we planned.
443
00:16:00,964 --> 00:16:04,000
Luckily, I'd already bought
the corn dogs and beer, so...
444
00:16:04,068 --> 00:16:05,468
we're good.
445
00:16:05,536 --> 00:16:07,370
Jenna is having a great time.
446
00:16:07,438 --> 00:16:08,718
You should go say
happy birthday.
447
00:16:08,773 --> 00:16:10,940
I couldn't agree more.
448
00:16:15,346 --> 00:16:16,613
Happy birthday.
449
00:16:16,681 --> 00:16:17,948
Thanks.
450
00:16:18,016 --> 00:16:18,937
Are you holding up okay?
451
00:16:18,950 --> 00:16:19,983
I'm fine.
452
00:16:20,051 --> 00:16:21,384
I mean, it's cool.
453
00:16:24,255 --> 00:16:25,155
(grunts)
454
00:16:25,222 --> 00:16:26,689
Are you okay?
455
00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:27,590
(weakly):
Yeah.
456
00:16:27,658 --> 00:16:28,958
What's that?
457
00:16:29,026 --> 00:16:31,961
Uh, it's a gift from Wilfred.
458
00:16:32,029 --> 00:16:35,065
Oh, that's cute.
459
00:16:35,132 --> 00:16:37,834
This is awesome, Ryan.
460
00:16:37,902 --> 00:16:40,203
I... it's-it's
a joke, really.
461
00:16:40,271 --> 00:16:41,004
(grunts)
462
00:16:41,072 --> 00:16:42,839
Mmm...
463
00:16:42,907 --> 00:16:44,108
Although, it's definitely
464
00:16:44,175 --> 00:16:46,777
a-a way to remember Wilfred.
465
00:16:46,844 --> 00:16:49,846
And it's a kids' book, so you can
read it to your kids someday.
466
00:16:49,914 --> 00:16:51,681
Did you do this yourself?
467
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:54,417
It was more Wilfred's idea.
468
00:16:54,485 --> 00:16:55,652
(laughs)
469
00:16:55,719 --> 00:16:57,020
Hey, you know
what you should do?
470
00:16:57,087 --> 00:16:58,521
You should read this
to the kids right now!
471
00:16:58,589 --> 00:17:00,423
Oh, no, no...
472
00:17:00,491 --> 00:17:01,792
It's meant for children, right?
473
00:17:01,859 --> 00:17:03,393
That way, I can, you know,
474
00:17:03,461 --> 00:17:04,701
see it the way
it's meant to be.
475
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:05,729
It'll be fun.
476
00:17:08,199 --> 00:17:10,968
Hey, everybody...
477
00:17:11,036 --> 00:17:12,636
it's story time.
478
00:17:12,704 --> 00:17:14,605
CHILDREN:
Yay!
479
00:17:16,942 --> 00:17:20,278
I-I'm gonna read you
a-a fun little tale
480
00:17:20,345 --> 00:17:23,481
called Wilfred the Amazing Dog.
481
00:17:23,548 --> 00:17:26,617
(children exclaim)
482
00:17:30,489 --> 00:17:35,292
"Once upon a time,
there was a dog named Wilfred.
483
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,296
"Wilfred wasn't the best dog
in the world.
484
00:17:38,363 --> 00:17:40,432
"He wasn't the bravest,
485
00:17:40,499 --> 00:17:41,900
"or the best-looking,
486
00:17:41,968 --> 00:17:43,802
"or the fastest,
or the smartest,
487
00:17:43,869 --> 00:17:45,937
"but he was good at one thing:
488
00:17:53,446 --> 00:17:56,748
"...loving his friend Jenna.
489
00:17:56,816 --> 00:17:59,985
"He loved Jenna
because she was his sunshine,
490
00:18:00,052 --> 00:18:03,755
the one person who could
turn clouds into blue skies."
491
00:18:06,626 --> 00:18:08,594
492
00:18:10,863 --> 00:18:12,731
When did you write this?
493
00:18:12,799 --> 00:18:15,567
It was my original version,
before I asked you for help.
494
00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:18,537
I was thinking about it,
and I figured you were right.
495
00:18:18,605 --> 00:18:21,607
It was time to stop
deluding myself.
496
00:18:31,017 --> 00:18:32,284
That was incredible, Ryan.
497
00:18:34,821 --> 00:18:36,621
The best birthday gift
I've ever gotten.
498
00:18:40,959 --> 00:18:43,494
Jenna, there's something
I have to tell you.
499
00:18:45,931 --> 00:18:46,864
I...
500
00:18:49,735 --> 00:18:51,102
I'm not feeling that well.
501
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:52,203
I-I think I'm gonna
go lie down.
502
00:18:52,271 --> 00:18:53,771
Really?
503
00:18:53,839 --> 00:18:55,373
Yeah. But...
504
00:18:55,441 --> 00:18:57,108
Drew should be bringing
the cake out soon.
505
00:18:57,176 --> 00:18:59,644
Go have fun.
506
00:19:08,219 --> 00:19:13,155
Happy birthday to you
507
00:19:13,223 --> 00:19:17,693
Happy birthday to you
508
00:19:17,761 --> 00:19:23,799
Happy birthday, dear Jenna
509
00:19:23,867 --> 00:19:27,870
Happy birthday to you.
510
00:19:27,938 --> 00:19:29,138
(guests cheering)
511
00:19:36,180 --> 00:19:38,481
(inhaling, water bubbling)
512
00:19:50,838 --> 00:19:52,405
It's gonna be hard, you know,
513
00:19:52,473 --> 00:19:55,124
taking a step back from
my friendship with Jenna.
514
00:19:55,244 --> 00:19:57,469
But... this is good.
515
00:19:57,589 --> 00:19:59,723
I can finally start
moving on with my life.
516
00:19:59,791 --> 00:20:01,325
I'm proud of you, Ryan.
517
00:20:01,392 --> 00:20:03,193
A lot of guys don't
have the willpower
518
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:04,928
to suppress
their innermost feelings.
519
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:06,296
Like those werewolves.
520
00:20:06,364 --> 00:20:07,998
Werewolves?
521
00:20:08,066 --> 00:20:09,865
You've never heard of
werewolves?
522
00:20:09,985 --> 00:20:12,702
Oh, Ryan, wait until you hear
about these creatures.
523
00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:15,004
They start off just like
normal guys,
524
00:20:15,072 --> 00:20:17,173
like, charming, handsome,
just... normal.
525
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,309
Then, once a month,
they magically transform
526
00:20:20,377 --> 00:20:23,891
into these evil, grotesque
humans for, like, 29 days.
527
00:20:25,383 --> 00:20:34,091
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
528
00:20:34,141 --> 00:20:38,691
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37865
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