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1
00:00:03,027 --> 00:00:04,561
[Indistinct speaking
over telephone]
2
00:00:04,628 --> 00:00:05,862
[Sighs] Yes, I understand.
3
00:00:05,930 --> 00:00:06,996
Uh-huh.
4
00:00:07,064 --> 00:00:08,064
Uh-huh.
5
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,533
Who's mom talking to?
6
00:00:10,601 --> 00:00:12,869
I don't know, but her forehead
vein is working overtime.
7
00:00:12,937 --> 00:00:15,138
Okay, well, it sounds lovely,
8
00:00:15,206 --> 00:00:16,673
but I have to think about it.
9
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:19,808
I got to go.
I'm stirring the sauce, ma.
10
00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:22,077
You have a friend named "ma"?
11
00:00:22,144 --> 00:00:24,312
No.
That was your grandma.
12
00:00:24,380 --> 00:00:25,513
But grandma's dad's mom.
13
00:00:25,581 --> 00:00:26,781
This is your other grandma.
14
00:00:26,849 --> 00:00:28,049
Grandma has a sister?
15
00:00:28,117 --> 00:00:29,651
No! It's my mom!
16
00:00:29,719 --> 00:00:30,785
Both:
You have a mom?!
17
00:00:30,853 --> 00:00:31,953
[Laughing] Yes.
18
00:00:32,021 --> 00:00:33,688
Don't you guys remember
grandma Janet?
19
00:00:33,756 --> 00:00:35,356
Oh, is she the one you said
20
00:00:35,424 --> 00:00:36,925
went off to live on a farm
21
00:00:36,992 --> 00:00:39,761
where she could roam free
with all the other grandmas?
22
00:00:40,830 --> 00:00:42,151
A proud parenting
moment, Deborah.
23
00:00:42,164 --> 00:00:44,065
Oh, zip it. Like you're gonna
be such a good parent.
24
00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:45,667
Another proud parenting moment.
25
00:00:46,335 --> 00:00:47,935
Okay, the reason
that we don't spend
26
00:00:48,003 --> 00:00:50,037
so much time with
grandma Janet is because
27
00:00:50,105 --> 00:00:52,373
she wasn't the best mom to me
when I was growing up.
28
00:00:52,441 --> 00:00:54,208
Marty:
What'd she want this time?
29
00:00:54,276 --> 00:00:57,545
She got a timeshare from
Bruce in her latest divorce,
30
00:00:57,612 --> 00:00:59,347
and she wants us
to come to San Diego
31
00:00:59,414 --> 00:01:01,015
and meet
her special new friend.
32
00:01:01,083 --> 00:01:02,617
I heard a rumor
that in San Diego
33
00:01:02,684 --> 00:01:03,918
it's three hours earlier!
34
00:01:03,986 --> 00:01:06,621
We got to get these
kids out of Jersey. Mm.
35
00:01:06,688 --> 00:01:08,990
I sure would like to meet
my other grandma.
36
00:01:09,057 --> 00:01:10,524
Buenas noches, Weavers.
37
00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:11,959
Hey, guys. We're actually in
the middle of dinner right now.
38
00:01:12,027 --> 00:01:13,527
I'm doing terrible.
Thanks for asking.
39
00:01:14,395 --> 00:01:16,930
I just pulled a double
shift at Salsa Castle.
40
00:01:16,998 --> 00:01:18,065
It was hella loco.
41
00:01:18,132 --> 00:01:19,499
And I'm pretty much
single-handedly
42
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:20,807
keeping the coffee shop afloat.
43
00:01:20,835 --> 00:01:22,035
Working in the food industry
44
00:01:22,103 --> 00:01:23,637
is nothing like "two guys,
a girl and a pizza place."
45
00:01:23,704 --> 00:01:26,339
If only there was something
that existed to help us relax.
46
00:01:26,407 --> 00:01:27,374
Yes.
47
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:29,375
A socially acceptable
opportunity
48
00:01:29,443 --> 00:01:31,844
to get away from it all for,
say, one to two weeks a year
49
00:01:31,912 --> 00:01:34,013
with the understanding
that you'd then return to work
50
00:01:34,081 --> 00:01:36,521
refreshed and recharged, thus
actually improving productivity.
51
00:01:36,583 --> 00:01:38,584
Okay, well,
what you guys are describing
52
00:01:38,652 --> 00:01:39,952
is called a vacation.
53
00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:42,255
And it just so happens
54
00:01:42,323 --> 00:01:44,657
that this family
is gonna be going on one.
55
00:01:44,725 --> 00:01:45,658
We are?
56
00:01:45,726 --> 00:01:46,826
Yeah!
57
00:01:46,894 --> 00:01:48,261
The kids deserve
to know their grandma,
58
00:01:48,329 --> 00:01:49,495
and we all deserve
a little r&r.
59
00:01:49,563 --> 00:01:50,430
Yeah!
Yeah!
60
00:01:50,497 --> 00:01:52,098
Yay!
61
00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:53,333
Wait.
62
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,440
Why are you guys cheering?
63
00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:55,541
'Cause we're coming, too..
64
00:01:55,569 --> 00:01:56,809
No, you're not gonna go with...
65
00:01:56,870 --> 00:01:58,404
You know what? That might
not be such a bad idea.
66
00:01:58,472 --> 00:02:00,606
The more bodies, the less time
I have to spend alone
67
00:02:00,674 --> 00:02:02,342
with my mom
and her new special friend.
68
00:02:02,409 --> 00:02:03,409
So, what do you say, guys?
69
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:05,011
You want to be
our alien buffers?
70
00:02:05,079 --> 00:02:05,812
We'd be honored.
71
00:02:05,879 --> 00:02:06,879
Max:
Wait a second.
72
00:02:06,947 --> 00:02:08,348
When you said my hamster, ace,
73
00:02:08,415 --> 00:02:10,249
went off to live on a farm,
74
00:02:10,317 --> 00:02:12,151
does that really mean
he's in San Diego, too?
75
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,053
Oh, no.
He's dead, buddy.
76
00:02:14,121 --> 00:02:16,489
When does your parenting
book come out?
77
00:02:18,025 --> 00:02:18,958
[Slurps]
78
00:02:20,326 --> 00:02:21,760
?
79
00:02:21,827 --> 00:02:25,597
We came from outer space
and settled in New Jersey
80
00:02:25,665 --> 00:02:29,434
we took names like Larry Bird
and Jackie Joyner-Kersee
81
00:02:29,502 --> 00:02:31,603
then the humans
moved next door
82
00:02:31,671 --> 00:02:33,772
started testing
all our limits
83
00:02:33,839 --> 00:02:35,941
so sit right down,
enjoy the show
84
00:02:36,008 --> 00:02:38,443
we'll be done in 30 minutes
85
00:02:38,511 --> 00:02:41,446
sync and corrections by bellows
www.addic7ed.com
86
00:02:41,514 --> 00:02:44,416
Darling, this vacation
is a mistake.
87
00:02:44,483 --> 00:02:47,018
Packing is so stressful.
88
00:02:47,086 --> 00:02:48,787
Obviously, I need my pale pink,
89
00:02:48,854 --> 00:02:50,589
my medium pink, my dark pink,
90
00:02:50,656 --> 00:02:52,490
and my dark-medium
pink shirts,
91
00:02:52,558 --> 00:02:54,826
but then I won't have
room for my crocs.
92
00:02:54,894 --> 00:02:56,695
Don't overthink it, cinnabun.
93
00:02:56,762 --> 00:02:58,730
We're only going
for a few days.
94
00:02:58,798 --> 00:03:00,932
I've just packed
my flowiest dresses
95
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,501
and some sensible stilettos.
96
00:03:02,568 --> 00:03:04,469
Okay, that's
the shirt suitcase.
97
00:03:04,537 --> 00:03:05,971
Now for the pants.
98
00:03:09,642 --> 00:03:11,243
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey.
99
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:13,044
Don't forget your bathing suit.
100
00:03:13,112 --> 00:03:15,714
The ocean in California
is, like, the perfect temp.
101
00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:16,748
Um, nope.
102
00:03:16,816 --> 00:03:19,017
Abby Weaver does not do ocean.
103
00:03:19,085 --> 00:03:20,166
What are you talking about?
104
00:03:20,219 --> 00:03:21,987
The year... 2010.
105
00:03:22,054 --> 00:03:23,188
The victim...
106
00:03:23,256 --> 00:03:25,290
Marty Weaver, pulled away
by a vicious current.
107
00:03:25,358 --> 00:03:27,859
The hero...
A lifeguard named Jasper
108
00:03:27,927 --> 00:03:29,961
who has to kiss dad
on the mouth
109
00:03:30,029 --> 00:03:31,363
to keep him from dying.
110
00:03:31,430 --> 00:03:32,230
[Sighs]
111
00:03:32,298 --> 00:03:33,698
You remember that?
112
00:03:33,766 --> 00:03:35,467
You kissed Amber's first crush.
113
00:03:35,535 --> 00:03:37,235
It's kind of burned
in my brain.
114
00:03:37,303 --> 00:03:39,704
I'm never going in the
ocean as long as I live.
115
00:03:39,772 --> 00:03:40,806
I didn't kiss him.
116
00:03:40,873 --> 00:03:41,873
Yes, you did.
117
00:03:41,941 --> 00:03:43,575
Okay, just finish packing.
118
00:03:43,643 --> 00:03:45,744
[Sighs heavily]
119
00:03:45,812 --> 00:03:48,313
I feel terrible that
I have to leave Jane
120
00:03:48,381 --> 00:03:50,248
to go on vacation with my ex.
121
00:03:50,316 --> 00:03:52,684
Let's send her a picture
of us packing.
122
00:03:52,752 --> 00:03:55,087
[Squeals]
123
00:03:55,154 --> 00:03:56,488
"Missing you already."
124
00:03:56,556 --> 00:03:59,658
Sad face, heart, airplane.
125
00:03:59,725 --> 00:04:00,826
This is a nightmare.
126
00:04:00,893 --> 00:04:03,061
No. A nightmare
is what the harsh cali sun
127
00:04:03,129 --> 00:04:06,331
is going to do to the butkus'
creamy white shell.
128
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,334
Man: You accept what is
beyond your control.
129
00:04:09,402 --> 00:04:12,504
"I accept what is
beyond my control."
130
00:04:12,572 --> 00:04:14,005
Mom, the last thing I need
131
00:04:14,073 --> 00:04:16,074
is to be stuck on
vacation with Reggie,
132
00:04:16,142 --> 00:04:18,543
listening to my ex
talk about his new girlfriend.
133
00:04:18,611 --> 00:04:20,645
Not that I want
to be with Reggie.
134
00:04:20,713 --> 00:04:22,581
I've got my own stuff going on.
135
00:04:22,648 --> 00:04:23,615
Don't make me go.
136
00:04:23,683 --> 00:04:25,784
"I accept what I cannot change."
137
00:04:25,852 --> 00:04:27,119
Oh, God!
138
00:04:27,186 --> 00:04:28,720
Did you hear anything
I just said?
139
00:04:28,788 --> 00:04:30,155
No!
140
00:04:30,223 --> 00:04:32,257
I was listening
to my self-help book.
141
00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:35,427
It's about accepting people
as they are, flaws and all.
142
00:04:35,495 --> 00:04:37,829
So I should accept the fact
that I have a mother
143
00:04:37,897 --> 00:04:39,965
who's making me go on
vacation with my ex,
144
00:04:40,033 --> 00:04:42,701
even though it constitutes
cruel and unusual punishment.
145
00:04:42,769 --> 00:04:46,438
Oh, sweetie, if you think that's
cruel and unusual punishment,
146
00:04:46,506 --> 00:04:49,041
wait till grandma tries
to do a body shot off of you.
147
00:04:49,108 --> 00:04:51,943
["Holiday road" plays]
148
00:04:52,411 --> 00:04:54,412
Larry:
Keep it moving!
149
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,680
Move out of the aisles!
150
00:04:55,748 --> 00:04:57,182
Luggage up! Bodies in!
151
00:04:57,249 --> 00:04:58,450
Excuse me, sir.
152
00:04:58,517 --> 00:05:01,052
I can't believe they took
my medium-hold pomade.
153
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,320
Those animals.
154
00:05:02,388 --> 00:05:04,656
Where will we put our legs?
This is savage!
155
00:05:04,724 --> 00:05:06,958
Everyone has
their own tray table.
156
00:05:07,026 --> 00:05:09,994
The flight attendants look
like daytime talk-show hosts.
157
00:05:10,062 --> 00:05:11,162
This is perfection.
158
00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:15,999
I accept the people I love
will disappoint me.
159
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,235
This gon... gonna be the whole...
The whole ride?
160
00:05:18,303 --> 00:05:20,070
I mean, it's okay.
It's totally cool.
161
00:05:20,138 --> 00:05:22,005
I'm just... I'm asking...
The whole ride?
162
00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:25,909
[Chuckles] Jane is so funny.
163
00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:28,337
[Cellphone beeps] Oh, that's
just the guy I'm seeing... Zak.
164
00:05:28,346 --> 00:05:30,147
Great.
College guy?
165
00:05:30,215 --> 00:05:31,448
Mm-hmm.
166
00:05:31,516 --> 00:05:33,083
[Laughs]
167
00:05:33,151 --> 00:05:35,552
Classic Zak.
168
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:36,954
Will you get my back?
169
00:05:38,957 --> 00:05:41,391
Dick, we're inside.
170
00:05:41,459 --> 00:05:43,527
Nicole Kidman
told allure.com
171
00:05:43,595 --> 00:05:45,095
that you can never
have enough sunscreen,
172
00:05:45,163 --> 00:05:47,931
and homegirl
looks like a porcelain doll.
173
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:50,834
Wife, this was a huge mistake.
174
00:05:50,902 --> 00:05:52,503
Vacations are full
of new things I hate.
175
00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:55,405
Husband, vacations
are for letting go.
176
00:05:55,473 --> 00:05:56,406
Oh, look!
177
00:05:56,474 --> 00:05:58,075
"Leave the stress
of work behind
178
00:05:58,143 --> 00:06:00,511
with a relaxing couple's
massage at the Cortez spa."
179
00:06:00,578 --> 00:06:01,545
That sounds fantastic.
180
00:06:02,513 --> 00:06:04,781
Miss! I can't fasten
my tummy rope!
181
00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:06,883
A-and... and my wife and I
would like to move to the front.
182
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,271
I don't know
if you've noticed it,
183
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:09,652
but the seats
are much bigger up there.
184
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,821
- And who the hell are you?!
- I'm 8c.
185
00:06:11,889 --> 00:06:14,357
That's a ridiculous name.
And you're not sitting there!
186
00:06:14,425 --> 00:06:15,491
Tell her, plane slave!
187
00:06:15,559 --> 00:06:19,429
Sorry, 8c. I think
you might have to go.
188
00:06:21,065 --> 00:06:22,332
Janet: Sweetie!
Debbie: Oh! Hey!
189
00:06:22,399 --> 00:06:24,834
- Oh, come in. Come in. Come in.
- Hey, Janet!
190
00:06:24,902 --> 00:06:26,536
[Laughing] Hi.
You look terrific.
191
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:27,637
Oh!
192
00:06:27,705 --> 00:06:29,005
Oh, Abby, you're so blond!
193
00:06:29,073 --> 00:06:31,174
[Chuckles]
Amber, you grew boobs.
194
00:06:31,241 --> 00:06:33,843
- Ma, please!
- Lighten up. It's a compliment.
195
00:06:33,911 --> 00:06:35,511
[Chuckles]
Hi. Hello.
196
00:06:35,579 --> 00:06:36,913
Come in.
197
00:06:36,981 --> 00:06:38,114
Hi. Hi.
198
00:06:38,182 --> 00:06:40,283
Ah, hello.
199
00:06:41,851 --> 00:06:43,218
[Door closes]
200
00:06:43,285 --> 00:06:44,452
These are your neighbors?
201
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,388
And you must be Debbie's
estranged, slutty mother.
202
00:06:47,456 --> 00:06:48,223
A pleasure.
203
00:06:48,290 --> 00:06:50,391
Okay, so...
204
00:06:50,459 --> 00:06:54,262
I'd like you all to meet
my new special friend.
205
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,598
Benjamin, sweetie,
they're here!
206
00:06:56,665 --> 00:06:59,134
I accept you.
I accept this, no exceptions.
207
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:03,304
Hi.
I'm Benjamin.
208
00:07:03,372 --> 00:07:05,540
Debbie, meet your new brother.
209
00:07:07,042 --> 00:07:08,810
I'm Debbie Weaver.
Nice to meet you.
210
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:12,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
211
00:07:17,302 --> 00:07:18,603
Debbie: Mom,
I don't understand this.
212
00:07:18,670 --> 00:07:20,371
Well, this is Benjamin.
213
00:07:20,439 --> 00:07:23,941
He's 10 years old, and I
adopted him four months ago.
214
00:07:25,110 --> 00:07:26,978
Together:
Hi, Benjamin.
215
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:28,212
Are these my new cousins?
216
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,114
Well, technically,
you're their new Uncle.
217
00:07:30,182 --> 00:07:32,550
Hi. I'm your Uncle.
Want to see my toys?
218
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:34,085
Lead the way, Uncle Ben.
219
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:36,454
- [Gasps] Did he just call him...
- Yep.
220
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,156
- Like the...
- Rice guy, yes.
221
00:07:38,223 --> 00:07:40,024
[Sighs] Mom, when did you...
222
00:07:41,592 --> 00:07:44,027
Why did you...
What government let you...
223
00:07:44,094 --> 00:07:46,329
I knew this was gonna be
something of a shock.
224
00:07:46,397 --> 00:07:48,631
That's why I wanted
to tell you in person.
225
00:07:48,699 --> 00:07:50,767
You may not know this,
but I wasn't exactly
226
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:52,936
a picture-perfect mother
when Debbie was growing up.
227
00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:54,170
Larry: Oops.
228
00:07:54,238 --> 00:07:56,572
Was that an elephant I heard
walking into the room?
229
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:57,941
Well, I'm different now.
230
00:07:58,008 --> 00:08:00,677
When I divorced Bruce,
I gave up smoking,
231
00:08:00,744 --> 00:08:03,546
I started spinning,
I gave up gluten, and...
232
00:08:03,614 --> 00:08:06,149
Voil?�!...
I was reborn.
233
00:08:06,216 --> 00:08:07,850
Mm, yeah. She also told me
she was reborn
234
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:09,558
the morning after
she met Charles Barkley,
235
00:08:09,586 --> 00:08:10,553
and by "met" I mean...
236
00:08:10,621 --> 00:08:12,255
- Yep, got it.
- Okay.
237
00:08:12,323 --> 00:08:15,191
But I knew that there
was still something missing.
238
00:08:15,259 --> 00:08:18,161
So, I adopted
your Uncle Benjamin.
239
00:08:18,228 --> 00:08:19,462
Oh, my God.
240
00:08:19,530 --> 00:08:22,065
Marty, hallway, now.
241
00:08:22,132 --> 00:08:23,633
Larry: Ugh!
242
00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:26,169
These outfits are so itchy.
243
00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:28,371
This Tommy from Bahama
is a sadist.
244
00:08:28,439 --> 00:08:29,872
Where are you all from,
exactly?
245
00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:31,261
- New Jersey. - New Jersey.
- New Jersey.
246
00:08:31,275 --> 00:08:32,575
[High-pitched voice] Nice!
We're learning!
247
00:08:32,643 --> 00:08:35,878
Janet, sweetie,
you're all out of sunscreen.
248
00:08:35,946 --> 00:08:37,313
That is a human child!
249
00:08:37,381 --> 00:08:39,782
She has no right to ruin his life!
Okay, but...
250
00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:41,751
This is the same woman
who spiked the punch
251
00:08:41,819 --> 00:08:44,187
at my sweet 16
to get the shy kids dancing.
252
00:08:45,954 --> 00:08:48,089
- All right, but... - The same woman who
met not one, but two members of journey,
253
00:08:48,157 --> 00:08:50,491
- and by "met," I mean...
- We all know what you mean!
254
00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:52,193
Please stop doing those.
Please.
255
00:08:52,261 --> 00:08:53,928
Look, maybe you're right, okay?
256
00:08:53,996 --> 00:08:56,464
Maybe your mother's still that
wild party girl she always was.
257
00:08:56,532 --> 00:08:57,965
[Scoffs]
258
00:08:58,033 --> 00:08:59,767
But our kids want to know
their grandmother.
259
00:08:59,835 --> 00:09:02,236
All right? So let's just
take a deep breath.
260
00:09:02,304 --> 00:09:04,145
[Inhales deeply] All right?
[Exhales slowly]
261
00:09:04,173 --> 00:09:05,573
We'll go change
into our bathing suits,
262
00:09:05,641 --> 00:09:08,209
and we'll go get to know
your, uh, new, um...
263
00:09:08,277 --> 00:09:09,811
Your new brother.
264
00:09:09,878 --> 00:09:11,746
Fine. I'll go change.
265
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:13,047
I'm proud of you.
266
00:09:14,316 --> 00:09:15,616
[Sighs]
267
00:09:15,684 --> 00:09:18,019
But I am gonna prove that
my mother hasn't changed.
268
00:09:18,086 --> 00:09:19,687
You just watch.
269
00:09:19,755 --> 00:09:21,522
And now I'm less proud.
270
00:09:21,590 --> 00:09:23,090
[Inhales sharply]
271
00:09:24,358 --> 00:09:26,861
Awesome sand hole, Max!
272
00:09:26,928 --> 00:09:28,395
Thanks, Uncle Ben.
273
00:09:28,463 --> 00:09:30,831
Sweetie, just call him "Ben"!
274
00:09:30,899 --> 00:09:32,633
Max, get my back.
275
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:34,368
I just got your back, Dick.
276
00:09:34,436 --> 00:09:36,203
I can't keep getting your back.
277
00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:40,407
I feel good, Debbie.
278
00:09:40,475 --> 00:09:41,942
For the first time in my life,
279
00:09:42,010 --> 00:09:43,644
I feel like
I'm doing stuff right.
280
00:09:43,711 --> 00:09:45,245
Yeah.
281
00:09:46,813 --> 00:09:48,147
Speaking of doing things right,
282
00:09:48,214 --> 00:09:50,382
what do you say we blow off
these kids for a while
283
00:09:50,450 --> 00:09:51,750
and hit the beach bar?
284
00:09:51,818 --> 00:09:53,752
[Laughs] Huh? Come
on... you and me.
285
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:54,653
Tempting.
286
00:09:54,721 --> 00:09:56,188
- Old times?
- Tempting...
287
00:09:56,256 --> 00:09:57,222
But I'm sober now.
288
00:09:58,625 --> 00:10:00,359
Mom, look at our hole!
289
00:10:00,427 --> 00:10:02,261
[Laughing] Oh, that is awesome!
290
00:10:02,329 --> 00:10:03,162
Let me in here.
291
00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:04,363
Hey, butterfly shake.
292
00:10:04,431 --> 00:10:06,332
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
293
00:10:06,399 --> 00:10:07,866
Deborah, get my back.
294
00:10:09,202 --> 00:10:10,102
[Janet giggles]
295
00:10:13,773 --> 00:10:15,007
[Sea gulls squawking]
296
00:10:15,075 --> 00:10:17,109
Whee! You see? I don't
know about this.
297
00:10:17,177 --> 00:10:18,477
It's not bad!
298
00:10:18,545 --> 00:10:20,813
Look, we're just gonna put
your toes in, all right?
299
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,381
I got your hand.
Come on.
300
00:10:23,516 --> 00:10:25,217
We're not gonna swim
or anything, right?
301
00:10:25,285 --> 00:10:26,885
No, we're just gonna feel
the waves on our feet.
302
00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:28,520
Okay, here it comes.
You ready? Right now.
303
00:10:28,588 --> 00:10:30,089
Ah!
304
00:10:30,156 --> 00:10:32,257
[Laughing] It's cold.
305
00:10:32,325 --> 00:10:34,059
This actually isn't so bad.
306
00:10:34,127 --> 00:10:35,627
Right! You see?
307
00:10:35,695 --> 00:10:38,530
The ocean is just a wonder...
Ow! Ohh! Aah!
308
00:10:38,598 --> 00:10:39,698
Broken shell, broken shell.
309
00:10:39,766 --> 00:10:40,699
- Aah!
- No, no, no!
310
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,801
I am not doing this anymore!
311
00:10:42,869 --> 00:10:45,437
Wait! A-Abby? Abby!
[Cellphone beeping]
312
00:10:45,505 --> 00:10:46,772
[Breathing heavily]
313
00:10:49,676 --> 00:10:50,576
Hey.
314
00:10:52,512 --> 00:10:54,513
I'm just looking for a, um...
315
00:10:54,581 --> 00:10:57,683
Cool rock...
To bring to zak.
316
00:10:57,751 --> 00:11:01,220
Oh, well, I'm trying
to find... seashells
317
00:11:01,287 --> 00:11:03,322
to make Jane a necklace.
318
00:11:03,389 --> 00:11:04,990
Good call.
319
00:11:05,058 --> 00:11:06,658
The last person
to wear a seashell necklace
320
00:11:06,726 --> 00:11:08,427
was David Cassidy.
321
00:11:08,495 --> 00:11:10,295
I'm sure she'll love
your timely gift.
322
00:11:11,664 --> 00:11:14,500
And I'm sure zak will love
his fantastic memento...
323
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,135
The cool rock.
324
00:11:21,841 --> 00:11:23,575
[Soft, instrumental music plays]
325
00:11:25,043 --> 00:11:26,610
Oh. Oh, yes.
326
00:11:26,678 --> 00:11:28,612
Husband, this
is exactly what you needed
327
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,748
to learn how to enjoy
the vacation.
328
00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,683
Sir, I can't massage you if
you won't let me touch you.
329
00:11:32,751 --> 00:11:35,519
You've been giving oiled-up
rubdowns to randos all morning.
330
00:11:35,587 --> 00:11:38,022
I'd be safer rubbing my body
with raw chicken!
331
00:11:38,089 --> 00:11:40,057
Husband, just let the
woman do her job.
332
00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:41,392
This feels amaz...
333
00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:43,194
Ooh, yes.
334
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,829
Sir, if you could just
let me pull this back.
335
00:11:44,896 --> 00:11:45,729
Get off!
336
00:11:45,797 --> 00:11:47,531
- Just relax.
- Wife!
337
00:11:47,599 --> 00:11:49,033
[Groans] Just relax.
338
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,334
Lady, let...
339
00:11:50,402 --> 00:11:51,402
- Please?
- ...Go of it!
340
00:11:51,469 --> 00:11:53,404
Wife, sheet up!
341
00:11:53,471 --> 00:11:55,039
- What?
Larry: We're leaving!
342
00:11:55,106 --> 00:11:56,674
These women are perverted.
343
00:11:56,741 --> 00:11:59,910
I don't know what your game is,
sister, but I'm not playing!
344
00:12:00,878 --> 00:12:02,378
[Ben giggles]
345
00:12:02,446 --> 00:12:04,080
Careful on the dock, champ.
346
00:12:04,148 --> 00:12:05,181
Thanks, Uncle Ben.
347
00:12:05,249 --> 00:12:06,683
You're gonna be fine, sweetie.
348
00:12:06,751 --> 00:12:08,485
The boat doesn't even
leave the dock.
349
00:12:08,552 --> 00:12:10,153
- Seriously?
- It's a vintage boat.
350
00:12:10,221 --> 00:12:12,522
We enjoy the view
and drink iced tea.
351
00:12:12,590 --> 00:12:14,557
It sounds lovely.
Ugh.
352
00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:17,227
Oh, really.
353
00:12:17,294 --> 00:12:19,496
Every time I think vacation
can't get any more stupid,
354
00:12:19,563 --> 00:12:21,464
more vacation happens
and proves me wrong.
355
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,665
That's it, Larry bird.
356
00:12:22,733 --> 00:12:24,167
I'm sick of your attitude...
357
00:12:24,235 --> 00:12:27,070
Airplanes are death traps and
massage parlors are slut houses.
358
00:12:27,138 --> 00:12:29,272
I get that you can't handle being
out of your element for three days,
359
00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:31,408
but some of us
need this weekend.
360
00:12:31,475 --> 00:12:33,109
There's no reception.
361
00:12:33,177 --> 00:12:34,677
Jane's gonna be so worried.
362
00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:37,547
We've been texting each other
every 15 minutes on the 15.
363
00:12:37,615 --> 00:12:40,450
God, it's weird that you guys
wait so long in between texts.
364
00:12:40,518 --> 00:12:42,385
Zak and I text each other
every 10 on the 10.
365
00:12:42,453 --> 00:12:43,987
We're like traffic updates,
but hot.
366
00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:47,157
I wonder if there's cell
reception on the upper deck.
367
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,125
There's an upper deck?
368
00:12:50,993 --> 00:12:53,861
[Soft jazz music playing]
369
00:12:58,067 --> 00:12:59,400
The bartender's eyeing you.
370
00:12:59,468 --> 00:13:01,788
I'm sure he'd meet you in the
bathroom if you offered to...
371
00:13:01,804 --> 00:13:03,438
All right, enough, Debbie.
Enough.
372
00:13:03,505 --> 00:13:05,373
I know what
you're trying to do.
373
00:13:05,441 --> 00:13:07,675
Why can't you just accept
that I've changed?
374
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,344
Because you don't change.
375
00:13:09,411 --> 00:13:11,379
I've been fooled before.
376
00:13:11,447 --> 00:13:12,881
We both know that before long
377
00:13:12,948 --> 00:13:14,182
you're gonna get tired
of Benjamin
378
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:15,750
just like you get tired
of everything else.
379
00:13:15,818 --> 00:13:18,519
Any day now, you are gonna
decide to give him back.
380
00:13:18,587 --> 00:13:20,255
You're gonna give me back?!
381
00:13:20,322 --> 00:13:22,323
Oh, sweetie!
382
00:13:22,391 --> 00:13:24,225
What did she mean,
give me back?
383
00:13:24,293 --> 00:13:25,526
I don't want to go back.
384
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:36,901
What did I tell you about
the first moment I saw you?
385
00:13:36,969 --> 00:13:39,804
That you knew your whole life
had changed forever.
386
00:13:39,872 --> 00:13:41,005
And?
387
00:13:41,073 --> 00:13:43,575
And that you knew
I'd look great in orange.
388
00:13:43,642 --> 00:13:44,809
[Laughs]
389
00:13:44,877 --> 00:13:46,711
You're stuck with me
for life, kid.
390
00:13:46,779 --> 00:13:47,612
You understand?
391
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,047
Yeah.
[Chuckling] Yeah.
392
00:13:49,814 --> 00:13:52,650
Benjamin, sweetheart,
I'm really sorry.
393
00:13:52,717 --> 00:13:54,985
Sometimes adults say things
that they don't mean.
394
00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:58,122
My bad.
395
00:14:01,793 --> 00:14:05,496
[Indistinct conversations]
396
00:14:05,564 --> 00:14:06,697
Hi.
397
00:14:06,765 --> 00:14:08,132
Hey.
398
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,135
Just taking a photo of this tiny
drink umbrella to send to Zak.
399
00:14:11,203 --> 00:14:11,963
[Cellphone beeps]
400
00:14:12,003 --> 00:14:12,970
That's great.
401
00:14:13,038 --> 00:14:14,305
Jane loves umbrellas...
402
00:14:14,372 --> 00:14:17,174
Big umbrellas, drink umbrellas,
403
00:14:17,242 --> 00:14:18,375
Rihanna umbrellas.
404
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:19,910
'Ellas, 'ellas.
405
00:14:19,978 --> 00:14:21,412
[Cellphone beeps]
406
00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:24,214
What are we doing?
407
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,884
I'm... taking a photo
of this umbrella,
408
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,719
and you're riffing
on umbrellas?
409
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,655
Maybe... us being friends
would go better
410
00:14:33,723 --> 00:14:35,157
if we were the kinds of friends
411
00:14:35,225 --> 00:14:36,458
that didn't constantly
try and prove
412
00:14:36,526 --> 00:14:37,926
how great our new
relationships are.
413
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,529
Just a hunch.
414
00:14:40,597 --> 00:14:41,697
Oh, thank God.
415
00:14:41,764 --> 00:14:42,664
Deal.
416
00:14:42,732 --> 00:14:44,066
Good.
417
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,770
[Imitating Jerry seinfeld]
So, what's the deal
418
00:14:47,837 --> 00:14:50,472
with the tiny umbrellas?!
419
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,374
Did you just do Seinfeld?
420
00:14:52,441 --> 00:14:53,408
[Normal voice] Yup.
421
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,010
That wasn't totally terrible.
422
00:14:55,077 --> 00:14:57,178
[Imitating Jerry seinfeld] And
what's the deal with the straw?!
423
00:14:57,246 --> 00:14:59,014
That's really good.
424
00:14:59,081 --> 00:15:00,181
Thank you!
425
00:15:09,858 --> 00:15:12,093
Abby, could you please
come look at the ocean with me?
426
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,761
I know it's big
and unpredictable,
427
00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:16,697
but it's also splashy,
and it's a lot of fun.
428
00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:19,233
I like splashy.
429
00:15:19,301 --> 00:15:20,601
What else you got?
430
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,236
[Sighs] Well...
431
00:15:24,238 --> 00:15:27,341
What else I got is,
it would break daddy's heart
432
00:15:27,408 --> 00:15:29,476
if I'm the one that kept you
from enjoying the ocean
433
00:15:29,544 --> 00:15:32,479
because it is my job,
as your dad,
434
00:15:32,547 --> 00:15:35,115
to give you good memories,
not scary ones.
435
00:15:35,183 --> 00:15:39,519
And if I wound up the guy
who ruined the ocean for you,
436
00:15:39,587 --> 00:15:41,521
well, I-I don't know
if I could forgive myself.
437
00:15:41,589 --> 00:15:43,657
So, you got
to help me out here.
438
00:15:45,626 --> 00:15:46,960
Cheap trick, dad.
439
00:15:47,028 --> 00:15:49,028
You know my soft spot
for father-daughter schmaltz.
440
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:51,731
So, does that mean we're good?
441
00:15:51,798 --> 00:15:53,165
[Sighs]
442
00:15:53,233 --> 00:15:54,300
Let's do this.
443
00:15:54,368 --> 00:15:55,234
All right.
444
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:58,070
You get me every time.
445
00:16:01,875 --> 00:16:03,309
Husband.
446
00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:04,877
Look, um...
447
00:16:04,945 --> 00:16:06,579
You're right.
I'm sorry.
448
00:16:06,646 --> 00:16:09,014
Uh, I ruined your time.
449
00:16:09,082 --> 00:16:10,883
I'm terrible at vacation.
450
00:16:10,951 --> 00:16:12,551
Yes, I know.
451
00:16:12,619 --> 00:16:14,620
But I realize
it's not your fault.
452
00:16:14,688 --> 00:16:16,622
- It's not? - No, you're
the supreme leader.
453
00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:18,123
You're used
to being in control.
454
00:16:19,392 --> 00:16:20,726
But I have a plan.
455
00:16:23,430 --> 00:16:24,897
I love a plan.
456
00:16:31,236 --> 00:16:32,637
Hi.
457
00:16:32,705 --> 00:16:34,639
Where's Benjamin?
458
00:16:34,707 --> 00:16:37,809
He's having a farting contest
with his nephew.
459
00:16:37,876 --> 00:16:40,445
I didn't mean to hurt
his feelings. I...
460
00:16:40,512 --> 00:16:42,013
I know. I know.
461
00:16:45,884 --> 00:16:46,818
[Scoffs]
462
00:16:46,885 --> 00:16:48,186
It's not fair.
463
00:16:48,253 --> 00:16:52,523
My whole life, I wanted
the mom that Benjamin has.
464
00:16:52,591 --> 00:16:55,293
I'm sorry.
I was just so young.
465
00:16:55,361 --> 00:16:58,629
I didn't know
what the hell I was doing.
466
00:16:58,697 --> 00:17:01,032
I know it's crazy
to adopt at my age,
467
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,000
but, you know,
I-I love him...
468
00:17:03,068 --> 00:17:05,470
Just like I love you.
469
00:17:05,537 --> 00:17:07,071
I'm telling you, Debbie,
470
00:17:07,139 --> 00:17:10,375
I don't know how
you turned out so great.
471
00:17:10,442 --> 00:17:13,010
I have no idea.
472
00:17:13,078 --> 00:17:16,781
I guess I just thought
that it'd be nice
473
00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,616
if there was one person
on this planet
474
00:17:18,684 --> 00:17:21,319
that turned out wonderful
because of me,
475
00:17:21,387 --> 00:17:23,888
instead of in spite of me.
476
00:17:23,956 --> 00:17:25,857
[Sighs]
477
00:17:29,128 --> 00:17:31,262
Don't screw it up, mom.
478
00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,298
I won't.
479
00:17:36,134 --> 00:17:38,969
All right, open your eyes.
480
00:17:40,972 --> 00:17:43,173
We're flying, Jackie!
481
00:17:43,241 --> 00:17:44,575
I'm doing it!
482
00:17:44,642 --> 00:17:46,243
I'm vacationing!
483
00:17:46,311 --> 00:17:48,045
Yes, you are!
484
00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:50,147
I'm doing it.
485
00:17:50,215 --> 00:17:52,482
I'm almost
at the edge of the boat!
486
00:17:52,550 --> 00:17:54,451
I'm not scared of the ocean!
487
00:17:54,519 --> 00:17:55,652
I'm vaca...
Whee!
488
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,055
[Gasps] Husband!
489
00:17:58,122 --> 00:18:00,390
[Shrieks]
490
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:02,359
I don't know how to swim!
491
00:18:02,427 --> 00:18:03,160
Larry!
492
00:18:03,228 --> 00:18:04,461
Husband!
493
00:18:04,529 --> 00:18:05,689
Jackie, go get a crew member.
494
00:18:05,697 --> 00:18:08,865
Marty!
Zabvronians are like sponges!
495
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:10,834
We just soak up water!
496
00:18:15,206 --> 00:18:16,640
I got you, Larry!
497
00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:17,808
I got you! Come on!
498
00:18:17,875 --> 00:18:19,610
Get up!
499
00:18:19,677 --> 00:18:21,979
[Shouting in distance]
Okay, ocean...
500
00:18:22,046 --> 00:18:23,580
Prepare to get owned.
501
00:18:23,648 --> 00:18:24,748
Marty:
Get up! Get up!
502
00:18:24,816 --> 00:18:26,617
Dad!
503
00:18:26,684 --> 00:18:28,418
[Both gasping]
504
00:18:29,988 --> 00:18:31,054
Hey!
505
00:18:33,222 --> 00:18:35,757
Ah! Thank you, baby!
You saved us!
506
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:39,928
Hey. All right,
we're good.
507
00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:40,895
[Chuckles]
508
00:18:40,963 --> 00:18:43,164
Larry, did you just pee?
509
00:18:43,232 --> 00:18:44,299
You didn't?
510
00:18:44,366 --> 00:18:45,266
Oh! Get...
511
00:18:51,406 --> 00:18:53,574
Abby: Daddy and Larry
were screaming.
512
00:18:53,642 --> 00:18:56,076
The deck was slippery
beneath my feet.
513
00:18:56,144 --> 00:19:00,014
I could feel the cold
spray of the sea.
514
00:19:00,081 --> 00:19:02,816
I could sense the waves rising
by the second!
515
00:19:02,884 --> 00:19:07,388
Every part of me said,
"turn back, Abby. Turn back."
516
00:19:07,455 --> 00:19:08,856
[Gasps]
517
00:19:08,923 --> 00:19:13,027
Well, I once went swimming
in the ocean with Tony danza.
518
00:19:13,094 --> 00:19:14,862
And by "swimming," I mean...
519
00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,969
- Oh, we know... - We know what you mean.
- We know.
520
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:21,367
Husband, your vacation
is almost over.
521
00:19:21,435 --> 00:19:23,303
But I love it now.
522
00:19:23,770 --> 00:19:26,272
Peeing on Marty was
a real game-changer for me.
523
00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:28,341
I think when I let go
of my bladder,
524
00:19:28,408 --> 00:19:30,643
I also let go of my need
to be in control.
525
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,415
I'd like to put a three-bedroom
house on boardwalk.
526
00:19:36,483 --> 00:19:38,784
You don't have to say
how many bedrooms.
527
00:19:38,852 --> 00:19:41,253
Amber, don't tell the thimble
how to rule his kingdom.
528
00:19:41,321 --> 00:19:44,023
Well, the thimble is going
to have to go without...
529
00:19:44,091 --> 00:19:46,659
Marvin's garden,
because I am buying.
530
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,128
It's not "Marvin's garden."
It's "Marvin gardens."
531
00:19:49,196 --> 00:19:51,230
Why do you always say
"Marvin's garden"?
532
00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:52,431
- Is it?
- Yes.
533
00:19:52,499 --> 00:19:54,266
[Imitating Jerry Seinfeld]
You always say that!
534
00:19:54,334 --> 00:19:55,868
Oh, you're so weird.
535
00:19:55,936 --> 00:19:56,902
Thank you.
536
00:19:56,970 --> 00:19:58,370
[Cellphones vibrating, beeping]
537
00:19:58,438 --> 00:20:00,072
But it's not.
It's one Marvin garden.
538
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:02,942
Say it.
I'm gonna call it...
539
00:20:05,144 --> 00:20:08,380
For what it's worth,
I think my mom...
540
00:20:08,447 --> 00:20:10,182
Our mom...
541
00:20:11,149 --> 00:20:12,683
Is gonna be
a really good mom to you.
542
00:20:12,751 --> 00:20:14,151
Thanks.
543
00:20:14,219 --> 00:20:15,686
Listen, I got a few tips
for you.
544
00:20:15,754 --> 00:20:19,023
If your mom makes brownies,
do not eat them. Got it.
545
00:20:19,091 --> 00:20:23,127
It is not okay for your mom to
sleep until 2:00. Makes sense.
546
00:20:23,195 --> 00:20:25,529
If a man named Carlos
comes to your house,
547
00:20:25,597 --> 00:20:26,497
do not let him in.
548
00:20:26,565 --> 00:20:27,465
Who's Carlos?
549
00:20:27,532 --> 00:20:29,633
He might be my dad.
550
00:20:29,701 --> 00:20:30,701
[Door opens]
551
00:20:30,769 --> 00:20:32,169
I don't know what happened,
552
00:20:32,237 --> 00:20:34,872
but I'm a golden God.
553
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,516
Hi.
554
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,952
Oh. Hi.
555
00:20:55,620 --> 00:20:57,387
Anyone see you?
556
00:20:57,455 --> 00:20:58,722
I don't think so.
557
00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:01,558
Are you ready to do this?
558
00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:03,593
So ready.
We're so bad.
559
00:21:03,661 --> 00:21:05,328
[Chuckles]
560
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,401
[Squeals]
561
00:21:11,469 --> 00:21:13,136
[Both exhale sharply]
562
00:21:13,204 --> 00:21:14,971
[Cellphone beeps]
563
00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:16,206
We did it.
564
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:19,009
We've been in the bathroom
for an entire mile.
565
00:21:19,076 --> 00:21:20,143
Mile-high club.
566
00:21:20,211 --> 00:21:21,678
[Both squeal]
567
00:21:21,746 --> 00:21:22,646
[Sighs]
568
00:21:25,850 --> 00:21:27,217
Want to go again?
569
00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:29,886
Larry bird!
570
00:21:29,954 --> 00:21:31,888
You're so naughty.
571
00:21:31,956 --> 00:21:33,390
[Cellphone beeping]
572
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:34,591
[Sighs]
573
00:21:34,616 --> 00:21:37,516
sync and corrections by bellows
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574
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,086
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575
00:21:41,136 --> 00:21:45,686
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