All language subtitles for Catastrophe s01e05.eng

.. could we get an update on
what's shaking out over there?

.. 'It'd be great to get a clearer
idea' of what you've been doing.

Up your game like the guy said.

Maybe buy a suit with
normal length arms.

D'you think Clive Owen
would wear that?

~ Fran thinks I'm having an affair.
~ What?

She wants to meet with
you and sort it out.

This is... No!

~ I asked you to do one simple thing.
~ Fuck off!

~ Oh, telling me to fuck off?
~ Yeah, I'm telling you to fuck off!

That reminds me, we
really should go ahead

and pull the trigger on the wedding.

Should I make an appointment
at the registry office?

I don't know if I want to
do it at a registry office.

~ Why not?
~ Well, because...

This is embarrassing but when
I was 19 this Polish guy

who used to come into the
restaurant I worked at,

he paid me to be a witness at
his registry office wedding.

You were a witness whore?

Yeah, well, 50 quid!

Anyway he took us all to
TGI Friday afterwards,

and he and the English
girl he married,

they got beyond pissed and he fell
over and broke his jaw on a urinal.

~ How the fuck...?
~ I don't know.

And since I was the least
drunk person there,

I had to take him to hospital.

He freaked out and kicked
a nurse in the stomach

and then he threw a wheelchair
at a vending machine.

~ Wow!
~ Yeah. So, you know, I don't want our wedding to be like that.

No, me neither.

The last big wedding I
went to was my sister's.

300 people.

That was the one I shat my pants at.

Oh, yeah. What did your
sister think about that?

She didn't care for it.
I mean, nobody did.

I think maybe after the
fact, for anecdotal value,

people were glad it happened.

~ Yeah, of course.
~ But, you know, I wouldn't do it again.

Yeah, well, we don't have to
have 300 people, you know,

just some family and friends
and a few Scotch eggs?

~ Hmm.
~ What do you think?

You up for doing something
more than a sad transaction

~ in a grey building?
~ Definitely.

Great. What would you think
if I asked your mother?

Sure, go ahead. I mean, I will say,

if she wasn't my mother I
definitely wouldn't invite her.

I mean, just cos she's
not fun. Or nice.

Yeah, well, we don't have
to have her on our table.

~ Shut up, you're so boring!
~ Don't storm off again! Come back!

Just because can't do the
one thing I ask of you...!

I love watching young couples argue.

I can't keep my eyes off them.

I hope he hits her.

And then the cops taze him
and he falls in the river.

Now you're talking.

If we ever sound like that

please get a gun from America
and shoot us both.

~ We sound like that all the time.
~ Do we?

Yeah, but we've got real problems.

Hang on a second. I've been
at Frye and Loeb for 11 years,

and you're going to fire me for
making you a shitload of money

~ and opening a UK office?
~ We're not firing you. ~ I mean, we are,

unless you want to come back to
Boston, where you have an office.

And clients.

Yeah, I get that my current setup
isn't conventional but...

You're right, it's not conventional.

By the way, are you
in a college dorm?

You know what? Fuck you, Mark!

Rob, look, come on.

And Tony, fuck you
for being a nice guy

and working with this
fucking asshole.

You know what, Mark? When I
heard that Greg had a stroke,

my first thought, after
being sad for his family,

was that I wish it had been
you, you conniving cunt!

No, he can't talk to me like that.

And Tony? You'd better make sure
that I get a nice severance package

or I'm going to come there and
kick Mark's ass in front of

that receptionist that he sexually
harasses for three hours every day!

And, Mark, you can...!

SIGNAL BREAKS UP

Is he done?

Hey. How was your day?

Shit. How was yours?

Good, it was good. Very good. Tea?

Yeah.

It's just tough at the moment because

I don't smile for the first
two months of the school year.

I mean, you really can't, if they
smell weakness, they just...

It's like putting chum
in the water for sharks.

But it's hard because there's
this new lad with thick glasses

and one big eyebrow, and I just
really want to smile at him.

~ Can I have a Wagon Wheel?
~ Sure.

Hey, I was thinking how great it
is that our kid is going to have

two cultures and two countries
that he can spend time in.

Hmm, yeah.

I mean, especially when he's a baby.

~ I mean we'll be able to
just bounce back and forth. ~ Mm.

You know, it might be
worth thinking about

basing ourselves in
Boston for a while.

I mean it's cheaper by
probably about 500%!

Why are you saying this to me?

~ I was let go from my job today.
~ What?

It's fine. They only let me go
cos it wasn't working out here.

I mean, they would have kept
me for ever back there.

Not that I'd go back to that shit
shop when they wouldn't give me

20 minutes to even plug in my fucking
computer here, but I could

work anywhere in Boston, everyone
in advertising knows me there.

~ I don't want to live in Boston.
~ Why not?

SHE LAUGHS

Because it's Boston.

I mean, once you graduate
to a place like London

or New York, you don't
regress to Boston.

What's even there?

And, you know, my family's
here. My job, my friends.

Yeah, I had all that too.

And now I don't even
have a job here anymore.

And do you think our baby would
like to eat, for example?

Cos I'd like to be
able to buy it food.

And I was issued a very
specific work visa,

not a "sit around on a couch" visa.

Yeah, OK, it's terrifying.

But, you know, just take a minute.

Don't go making crazy
decisions for us.

I will help you, and
we'll sort it out,

but we have to sort it out here.

And, you know, I mean,
just to be practical,

you can't fly when
you're this pregnant.

Isn't that just the last trimester?

You can't fly to Boston at any
point during your pregnancy.

Yes! Feel like a fucking god here!

Brits don't have bowling
in their veins like we do.

It's like being Superman on Earth.

Hey, listen, I, ah, wound up parting
ways with my company in the US.

I was wondering if you
knew of any job leads?

Take that, the Queen.

Did you hear about that
heart drug, Tevantrix,

that killed all those people
a couple of months ago?

~ No.
~ Oh, good. Well, I'm on the board of the company that makes it

and they're putting together
a kind of messaging taskforce,

you know, to teach the
public that they do stuff

other than kill people.

~ Oh, Jesus.
~ No, they're good guys.

My pal, Harita, is the
senior VP of marketing,

and I guarantee that she will
see you if I tell her to.

So, what do you think, man,
you want me to hit her up?

I guess, yeah. I need money
and a visa, so, yes.

Well, all right.

Thank you.

I owe you one.

Have you ever heard
of prostate massage?

I'm not massaging your prostate.

No, I don't want you
to massage my prostate,

I want you to come with
me to this place I know

where we can both get
our prostates massaged.

I went there a couple of weeks
ago and I'm telling you, man,

it is easily the best
orgasm I've ever had.

And before you say
anything, it's not gay.

All right, but that's like
eighth on the list of

why I don't want to do it.

But they do put something
up your butt, right?

Way up. And it kind of hurts.

Until they start massaging
the old prostate.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Oh, come on, man. Come on, spend
some quality time with me.

My dad died a few weeks ago...

.. et cetera.

Your dad died "et cetera?"

Yeah, I don't really want
to talk about it. Just...

.. come and get your
butt fucked with me.

Help me heal.

~ 'Hello?'
~ Hello, is this Mia?

Yes, it is.

Mia, this is Sharon.

'Um.... From, from London?'

Rob's Sharon?

Oh. Yes, of course. How are you?

I'm OK, thank you. Um,
nice to speak to you.

'I know we'll meet sooner or later,'

I just wanted to introduce myself

~ and also to invite you to our wedding.
~ Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, we're, we're going
to get married properly

so if it's something that
you wanted to attend,

then we'd be very happy to
work round your dates and...?

You know, I really, I don't fly well,

~ and I-I can't leave my dogs.
~ Oh.

Would it make any difference

if I told you we're not just getting
married because I'm pregnant.

We... we really like each other
and, and also he needs a visa.

Whatever the reason, it's
just such wonderful news.

I'm so glad that Rob has found someone
after everything with Betsy.

Who's Betsy?

'Betsy. His ex?'

You know, after Betsy miscarried,
it was very hard for both of them.

~ And me.
~ What?

He must have told you?

No! And I have to say I think
that's very insensitive of you,

'I am currently pregnant after all.'

Well, I didn't mean...

'Oh, no, I think you did.'

Jesus, stick the knife in, phone
call number one, why don't you?

~ Sorry?
~ You know what? I rescind my invitation.

'That means I take it back.
You're not invited.'

Hello?

I hope your dogs get leukaemia.

Are you chewing gum?

Take it out. Put it in the bin.

~ Hi.
~ Hi.

So I got a job interview today.

~ Great.
~ And, er, I checked out that place you liked

for the reception by the
canal and I think that...

You never told me you got
another woman pregnant.

Er, well, I didn't...

~ Did my mother...?
~ Yeah.

~ Was it on purpose?
~ What?

Was it an "Oh, no, whoops"
pregnant like me,

or was it a "Let's make a baby"
pregnant like normal people?

Does it matter? Look, as big as
this is, I had a life before you.

Yeah, I knew you fucked other women,

~ I just didn't know you
fucked babies into them. ~ Jesus.

And you meant to do it with Betsy.

You know, that, that was
pre-meditated, I was like a...

a second degree pregnancy.

You just got drunk and drove into a
crowd of women and got me pregnant.

~ A second degree pregnancy?
~ Why didn't you tell me?

What would you have done
with that information?

If the baby had been born,
I would have told you.

But it wasn't.

OK. Sorry.

Don't be sorry. Jesus, can I explain?

No, it doesn't matter.
Just forget it.

I might have insulted your mother
a little bit on the phone.

Like how? Tell me how, cos
I want to do a different,

more hurtful insult when I call her.

TELEPHONE RINGS

"Yes, hello?"

Hi. Mia, It's Sharon
from London, again.

I saw that it was a UK number.

I just thought it was Rob
calling to yell at me again.

I'm sorry about that,

and sorry for saying that you
couldn't come to the wedding.

Of course we want you to come.

Well, I, I don't think Rob
wants me to come, so...

~ No, of course he wants you to.
~ Well, I can't leave the dogs.

No, that's fine, just,
you know, want you to know

that if you could come to the
wedding, you'd-you'd be welcome.

By the way, do you
have Betsy's surname?

It's just, um, I thought
it would be a nice gesture

to invite her along because,
you know, we just...

.. want everybody to be there.

You know, a lot of my
ex-boyfriends will be coming.

Well, not a lot, but maybe...

~ three.
~ Ostroff.

~ It's Os...? That's O...
~ Ostroff, O-S-T-R-O-F-F.

Well, you know, if...

If Betsy's going to make the journey,
then maybe I should come.

I would just love to see her.

What about the dogs?

~ Well, I...
~ And the thing is,

I want to ask her, but, you
know, it's a numbers game,

so that could all change.

I'm actually at school at the moment,

so I'm going to have to...
It was lovely talking to you.

Hello?

Please let it be you.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, good for you.

You're not better than me.

I just came in to get my work book.

Well, get it then.

I'm sure Dave's told you a little
about what's been happening here.

Blowback hasn't been as
bad as it could've been,

it was only older men who died.

Focus groups we've
done since have shown

they're the least missed
demographic. I mean, a child dies

and understandably people
get really upset. But...

four or five guys in
their 70s, it's like...

SAD, but also...

c'est la vie.

That's, wow...

I mean, I guess if you're going
to be allegedly responsible

for some people not
being alive any more,

then old men are the best ones.

I think the one that really
hurt us was the astronaut.

OK, yeah, I did read about him.

So, what are your thoughts
on how we might progress this?

Well, I'm not sure people
feel the same way

about astronauts as they used to.

They're not the heroes
that they once were.

I don't know if this
made the news here,

but, er, a few years ago,

a female astronaut travelled
across the US in a diaper

with a bunch of weapons in her
trunk to attack a love rival,

so, you know, really, they're
just like you and me.

So, it pays really well,
and they'd sort my visa,

but the woman who interviewed me
definitely sleeps in a coffin.

Well, two out of three?

~ And did you try...?
~ What?

~ Big and Tall?
~ No.

~ I didn't go to the Big
and Tall modelling agency. ~ Why not?

I think you should just
go in, just pop in.

~ What would be the harm in just popping in?
~ Look,

er, I'm big and tall, but
I'm not THAT big and tall.

Well, I think you are.

But now we'll never know.

Listen, um...

.. I know I said I didn't
want to talk about Betsy

and I understand why
you didn't tell me,

but to be honest, I just
would've liked to have known

because I'd hate for you to have
to deal with a bombshell like that.

So, I thought before the wedding

we should just get a few
things out there, you know?

So there's no skeletons
in our closet.

OK.

OK.

So, er...

um, I went out with a French guy

and I had two pregnancy
scares with him.

And I considered moving to France.

~ Oh, well, I mean, that's...
~ No, I haven't told you the thing yet.

So, two pregnancy scares,
considered moving to France,

and when I broke up with him...

he committed... tried
to kill himself.

So, I just wanted to tell you that.

You know, cos I'd hate for you to
have to learn that from MY mother.

I'm not telling you
that to scare you.

OK. Are you sure that's
why he did it?

Because a lot of people,
who are depressed...

Yeah, I'm why he did it.

OK. Well, thank you
for telling me that.

Well, that's OK.

PHONE CHIMES

What is wrong with him?

~ Happy birthday.
~ Ooh!

SHARON SQUEALS

Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS

Wow.

I haven't had a birthday gift in
a few years, you know, that...

I can open, with paper
and all that, so,

I don't even care what's in here.

Aw.

Actually I do. I love them.

Well, thank you. I made them.

You can wear them to dinner tonight.
Just them, nothing else.

Can I wear my maternity bra? It's
just my tits are a bit sore.

~ Well, OK, but that's it.
~ SHE LAUGHS

No cake tonight. No candles.

I don't want any waiters singing
to me. Just makes me want to vom.

What time is it?

It's just after seven.

Do you want to get in here
and put another baby in me?

I can try.

Hey, you're late,
Heisenberg. Let's go, man.

Listen, I came here to thank you
for setting up that interview

~ and to tell you I'm not doing this.
~ What?

~ Come on, man, we had a deal.
~ We didn't have a deal.

You did a nice thing
for me and I'm grateful,

but I never said I
would let a stranger

put anything up in my asshole.

~ You've got to try this,
man. It feels so good. ~ I believe you!

But now is not the time
for me to pay a hooker

to fuck my butt with an implement.

You do that after you've been
with somebody for a long time

and you hate each other.
I'm not there yet.

OK, well, you want to do
something more low-key?

I mean, we could go
get some lap dances?

Dave, I don't want to do
those things with you.

You don't want big titties
all over your face?

Of course I do, but in my own home,
not a strip club at lunch time.

Look, I can tell you're a bit...

~ lonely or whatever.
~ I'm not lonely, motherfucker.

Well, whatever the case is, you know,

you need some
companionship or something.

Listen, I'm having a party tonight
for Sharon. Do you want to come?

Er, no, I can't tonight.
I've got a thing.

All right, well...

let's talk soon.

Rob?

Er, where is it?

Just in case.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

So, I've had a wee trim,
put on my best cologne,

so I can give Sharon a birthday
kiss she'll really enjoy.

Now we're kissing each other's wives.

Oh, hey, Chris, you have to
know that was an accident.

It was a hug that I think she...

~ not that it was her fault...
~ I'm just taking the piss, man.

I'm glad you did.

She came home and fucked
my knob off after that.

~ You're my hero, as far as I'm concerned.
~ Wow.

Well, good, OK. Thank
you and I'm sorry.

I'm still kissing Sharon, though.

~ Hiya.
~ Hey, glad you could make it. Where's Mallandra?

Oh, sorry, did I not say?
She didn't want to come.

Are we early? There's more
people coming, right?

No, this is it, and, I know,

it's just that I don't
know a lot of her friends.

I'm not optimistic
she'll be thrilled.

~ Rob.
~ Hey, Fran. So great you could come.

You know the last birthday
of Sharon's that I went to,

we ended up taking some mushrooms
of the magical variety.

Ended up getting our
clitoral hoods pierced.

Won't be doing that
again any time soon.

~ Are you fucking kidding me?
~ ALL: Hey! Happy Birthday!

Hey! Hi!

Thank you.

For doing this to me.

~ Come here, birthday girl.
~ Hi! Nice to see you. ~ Mmm?

Mwah. SHARON LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Thank you.

Hey! Sorry we're late! Oh, God!

This is, um, my friend, um...

happy birthday. 41.

~ DAVE LAUGHS
~ 41!

Friday night's a tricky night
for getting people out.

Yeah, yeah, that's maybe what it is.

Well, this is humiliating.

That's exactly the response
I was hoping for.

SHARON LAUGHS

Let's not do the big wedding.
Is that all right?

I mean look around you, I have
a petite circle of friends,

you have one friend who is probably
going to OD before we get married.

And if you had any idea
what something costs

when you put the word
wedding in front of it,

if you knew how much
a wedding ham costs,

as opposed to a ham-ham,

you wouldn't want to be part of that.

I just want a transaction
in a grey building.

OK.

Then you can finger me in a
cab on the way to TGI Fridays.

~ I'd like that.
~ DAVE LAUGHS

Good news, buddy. Harita
from Braeband called.

She wants you! She's going to send
you an offer letter on Monday.

Ha-ha! Mwah!

HE CHUCKLES

~ PLATES SMASH
~ Oh, Goddamn it!

~ DAVE LAUGHS
~ I don't care! I don't care!

~ To the happy couple! I mean...
~ ALL: Happy Birthday!

SHARON MOANS

That was a long come.

Yeah, that was, wow.

~ Oh, can you just..? Wipe your... Sorry.
~ Yeah.

I keep thinking about you getting
another woman pregnant.

~ Uh-huh?
~ And I'm not being obsessive,

and I understand why you
didn't tell me, it's just...

I never actually liked anyone enough
to want to have a baby with them.

And you did and it just,
messing me up a bit.

Well, listen to me.

My life was smaller then.

I worked next to Betsy for six years

and then I found myself dating her,

then we were living together
because it was cheaper

and I'm sorry to say
that, but it's true.

Babies started appearing in my
world, so it seemed normal to try.

And she got pregnant.

And then in rapid
succession, she miscarried

and I found out she'd been hiding
her Jewish-ness from me.

~ What the fu-?
~ I'm kidding!

And I know I shouldn't
be kidding, right,

because, yes, I was sad
when she miscarried,

but it was tempered by the fact that
I was happier not being with her.

And then you blew into my life
like a fuckin' hurricane.

And FYI, sex with her
was, at best, nice,

but you induced, like,
a medical condition in me

and I had to be inside
you for, like, a week.

~ You fucked me up!
~ SHARON STIFLES LAUGHTER

I have to tell you something.

One of the first nights
we were together,

you made this weird
sound when you came,

like, normally you were
all grunty and, "Argh!"

But this one time
you made this weird,

high pitched, kind of
feminine, kind of....

~ SHARON SQUEALS
~ .. and I don't know if you remember,

but one of the days I didn't
call you until, like 9pm?

~ Yeah?
~ SHARON LAUGHS

Well, it was because of that.

SHARON LAUGHS

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