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1
00:00:00,802 --> 00:00:02,069
I can't really
imagine what it's like
2
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:03,804
for people with
blue eyes.
3
00:00:03,906 --> 00:00:06,674
I've no idea, and I'm feeling
like a (bleep) freak!
4
00:00:06,775 --> 00:00:09,577
Exactly, dude, it's like...
I think they can see backwards,
5
00:00:09,678 --> 00:00:12,914
like into the eye.
6
00:00:13,015 --> 00:00:16,117
Is that your vaporizer?
7
00:00:16,218 --> 00:00:17,752
Vapelife.
8
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,755
Man, I wanna
get high.
9
00:00:20,856 --> 00:00:23,391
Here.
10
00:00:26,061 --> 00:00:27,561
No, that does
not work.
11
00:00:27,729 --> 00:00:30,064
You can keep trying, but
it's never gonna work.
12
00:00:30,232 --> 00:00:31,899
I'll come over and
smoke you right up.
13
00:00:32,034 --> 00:00:35,636
Okay, and then
we can go to BBB!
14
00:00:35,737 --> 00:00:36,904
Peace.
15
00:00:37,039 --> 00:00:39,373
(reverberating)
16
00:00:43,645 --> 00:00:45,746
(man)
Hey Ab
17
00:00:45,881 --> 00:00:47,214
I've been meaning to ask
18
00:00:47,349 --> 00:00:49,517
I'm missing like
a bunch of my undies.
19
00:00:49,651 --> 00:00:51,452
So I had an envelope
up here with all of
20
00:00:51,553 --> 00:00:52,787
my Bed, Bath &
Beyond coupons.
21
00:00:52,955 --> 00:00:53,955
I can't find it.
22
00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,656
I threw them away,
they were all expired.
23
00:00:55,791 --> 00:01:00,594
Bed, Bath & Beyond
coupons never expire.
24
00:01:00,762 --> 00:01:02,330
They have expiration
dates on them.
25
00:01:02,431 --> 00:01:05,066
Yeah, to-- to
throw idiots off!
26
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:06,934
Where do you think all
this stuff comes from?
27
00:01:07,035 --> 00:01:08,669
You think someone
drops it off?
28
00:01:08,770 --> 00:01:10,771
No!
This is Bed, Bath & Beyond?
29
00:01:10,872 --> 00:01:12,840
Yeah! Dude, they
sell lots of stuff.
30
00:01:12,941 --> 00:01:15,176
You just threw
away bowls,
31
00:01:15,344 --> 00:01:18,946
maybe coffee filters,
a-- a new ottoman!
32
00:01:19,047 --> 00:01:20,548
Well, you asked me
to clean the fridge.
33
00:01:20,649 --> 00:01:23,217
The inside of
the fridge.
34
00:01:23,352 --> 00:01:24,652
The inside of
the fridge is fine.
35
00:01:24,753 --> 00:01:27,221
It's all those junky coupons
on top that had to go.
36
00:01:27,322 --> 00:01:29,256
I guess that's totally
on me, I guess.
37
00:01:29,358 --> 00:01:30,925
Can't even do chores
around the house!
38
00:01:31,059 --> 00:01:34,195
Hey!
I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers!
39
00:01:34,329 --> 00:01:35,629
I will not do it!
40
00:01:35,764 --> 00:01:37,665
Four and three
and two and one
41
00:01:37,766 --> 00:01:40,735
42
00:01:45,874 --> 00:01:46,874
Yeah.
43
00:01:46,975 --> 00:01:49,176
Oh, yeah.
44
00:01:51,313 --> 00:01:54,081
(grunting)
45
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:57,651
Ooh!
46
00:01:57,753 --> 00:01:59,387
Oh, my God.
47
00:01:59,488 --> 00:02:01,455
(Abbi)
Um, Ilana... Yeah?
48
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,125
You just pulled a bag
of pot out of your vagina.
49
00:02:04,226 --> 00:02:05,726
I know.
50
00:02:05,894 --> 00:02:07,261
Why-- why would
you do that?
51
00:02:07,362 --> 00:02:09,397
I do it all the time.
52
00:02:09,498 --> 00:02:11,132
Honestly, it's the
safest way to travel.
53
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:16,070
Apparently, I have been
smoking this tainted weed
54
00:02:16,171 --> 00:02:17,605
for I don't even
know how long.
55
00:02:17,706 --> 00:02:19,106
I didn't mean that.
56
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,408
It's just
disturbing to me.
57
00:02:20,509 --> 00:02:21,642
I don't-- I don't know
what to tell you.
58
00:02:21,777 --> 00:02:23,310
It's in a bag.
59
00:02:23,478 --> 00:02:26,947
And, you know, the "vaya-nya"
is nature's pocket.
60
00:02:27,115 --> 00:02:29,150
It's-- it's natural,
and it's responsible.
61
00:02:29,284 --> 00:02:31,452
I shouldn't even be
bumming off of you.
62
00:02:31,620 --> 00:02:33,654
(Ilana)
Oh, who cares? No, I'm an adult.
63
00:02:33,755 --> 00:02:36,223
I should be buying
my own pot.
64
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:37,691
Wow!
65
00:02:37,793 --> 00:02:40,061
Never thought this day
would come, you know?
66
00:02:40,162 --> 00:02:44,131
I would be honored and
pleasured to facilitate this.
67
00:02:44,299 --> 00:02:45,232
No, no, no.
68
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,434
None of your dudes.
69
00:02:46,568 --> 00:02:48,002
I wanna get my
own pot, okay?
70
00:02:48,136 --> 00:02:50,838
I'm not gonna be like holding my
mommy's hand while I buy drugs.
71
00:02:50,939 --> 00:02:52,239
I can do this. (Ilana)
You know what I'm gonna do?
72
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:55,142
I'm gonna be a grown-ass woman
and do my taxes for once,
73
00:02:55,243 --> 00:03:00,881
without my
mommy and daddy.
74
00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,484
Get it, bitch.
I'm gonna call some old college buds,
75
00:03:03,652 --> 00:03:06,220
a buncha weed-heads.
76
00:03:06,321 --> 00:03:07,621
Hit 'em up!
77
00:03:07,722 --> 00:03:09,323
I'm gonna get
those taxes did.
78
00:03:09,424 --> 00:03:11,592
I'll hop on the Q18, catch the
N and then transfer to the R,
79
00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:15,129
and get home in a tight 95
'cause the G ain't runnin'.
80
00:03:15,230 --> 00:03:16,464
Whoa!
81
00:03:16,565 --> 00:03:17,898
Um, but it was because
someone jumped on the tracks
82
00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:19,700
to kill themselves,
it was really sad.
83
00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:21,435
Love ya, bitch!
84
00:03:21,536 --> 00:03:22,937
That really is sad.
85
00:03:23,038 --> 00:03:26,273
86
00:03:41,156 --> 00:03:42,289
I mean, good luck
with the trial.
87
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,625
I'll be sendin'
positive vibes.
88
00:03:44,726 --> 00:03:45,826
Okay, all right.
89
00:03:45,927 --> 00:03:48,095
Bye.
90
00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:53,968
(cell phone vibrating)
91
00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:55,469
Oh!
92
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,338
(woman)
Abbi? Cheese?
93
00:03:57,439 --> 00:03:58,739
Cheese.
94
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,108
No one's called me
Cheese in, like, forever.
95
00:04:01,209 --> 00:04:05,179
Um, I'm just callin' 'cause
I was curious if you were still,
96
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,917
you know, like sellin'
the greenery, 'cause, um,
97
00:04:10,018 --> 00:04:12,953
'cause I'm lookin'
to buy some greenery, so...
98
00:04:13,054 --> 00:04:15,756
You still smoke pot?
99
00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:17,791
Oh, Abbi.
100
00:04:17,893 --> 00:04:20,427
This is a prank
call! Bye!
101
00:04:20,562 --> 00:04:22,863
So sad.
(kids screaming)
102
00:04:22,964 --> 00:04:26,000
(sighs)
103
00:04:26,101 --> 00:04:28,936
I know, mommy knows.
104
00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:35,242
Hemmy, you deserve to
be a citizen so hard.
105
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,378
You are so good
at doing my taxes.
106
00:04:37,479 --> 00:04:38,979
Totally is
a privilege for me.
107
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:42,149
You know, 'cause taxes
pay for the gayest stuff.
108
00:04:42,317 --> 00:04:43,951
Okay, who pays for
the library? Taxes.
109
00:04:44,052 --> 00:04:45,786
Parks? Beaches?
110
00:04:45,887 --> 00:04:47,888
The Army.
Hello?
111
00:04:47,989 --> 00:04:49,823
Oh, and they pay for the
policemen and the firemen, too,
112
00:04:49,925 --> 00:04:53,327
if you think about it.
That's right.
113
00:04:53,428 --> 00:04:56,964
I just can't wait for the day
that I walk by a policeman,
114
00:04:57,065 --> 00:04:58,265
and I tell him,
115
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:01,368
"I pay for
your outfit." Oh, my God.
116
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,871
You're gonna pay for
a lot of outfits.
117
00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:07,007
118
00:05:07,108 --> 00:05:09,310
(Abbi)
Weed?
119
00:05:09,411 --> 00:05:11,679
You have any marijuana?
120
00:05:11,780 --> 00:05:14,548
Pot? Pot?
121
00:05:16,084 --> 00:05:17,117
I can find somebody.
122
00:05:17,252 --> 00:05:19,453
It shouldn't
be that hard.
123
00:05:21,556 --> 00:05:23,123
Weed?
Yeah, weed.
124
00:05:23,225 --> 00:05:25,859
I mean, weed, yeah.
125
00:05:25,994 --> 00:05:27,528
How much?
126
00:05:27,629 --> 00:05:29,263
Um, I was thinking
like an eighth.
127
00:05:29,364 --> 00:05:30,731
Okay, I was gonna say,
like, a quarter.
128
00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:32,566
Wow, okay.
129
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:35,903
I mean, I wasn't
prepared for that much.
130
00:05:36,004 --> 00:05:38,806
Is-- is that what
you need me to do?
131
00:05:38,907 --> 00:05:42,243
It's what I'd like.
Okay.
132
00:05:42,344 --> 00:05:44,078
How much would
that be?
133
00:05:44,179 --> 00:05:45,379
You tell me.
134
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:46,647
Am I naming my
own price here,
135
00:05:46,748 --> 00:05:47,948
like, what--
I don't know.
136
00:05:48,049 --> 00:05:49,783
That's-- that's
what dealers do.
137
00:05:49,884 --> 00:05:52,686
Wait, do you think
that I'm the dealer?
138
00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:54,321
You walk around the
park sayin', "weed,
139
00:05:54,489 --> 00:05:56,957
pot," people think
you're a--
140
00:05:57,058 --> 00:05:59,660
Or they could think that
you were looking for it.
141
00:05:59,828 --> 00:06:01,161
So...
142
00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:04,164
143
00:06:05,634 --> 00:06:07,001
Hey, um, so
Hemmy and I are
144
00:06:07,102 --> 00:06:10,738
working pretty hard to suck
Uncle Sam's D up in here,
145
00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:13,340
but we ran into
like a pickle, wall--
146
00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:14,708
I don't know what
the saying is.
147
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,844
Um, we got the W2's
and the W9's,
148
00:06:16,945 --> 00:06:18,912
but where do we get three through
eight? (Abbi) Dude, I don't know.
149
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,582
You get the things you get, you
sign 'em, and you send 'em back.
150
00:06:21,683 --> 00:06:23,217
She doesn't know,
and she is mean.
151
00:06:23,318 --> 00:06:24,918
(Abbi)
I'm sorry that I snapped.
152
00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:26,553
I'm in a bad mood.
153
00:06:26,688 --> 00:06:29,623
I'm just-- I'm having a really
hard time finding weed, okay?
154
00:06:29,724 --> 00:06:32,293
Oh, I'm sorry.
155
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,594
I think I'm gonna
give up on this.
156
00:06:33,762 --> 00:06:35,629
This is like-- it was
a long shot to begin with.
157
00:06:35,764 --> 00:06:37,197
I mean, like, who
do I think I am?
158
00:06:37,299 --> 00:06:40,834
Heard you were looking
for some... pizza.
159
00:06:40,935 --> 00:06:45,172
Pizza?
Yeah, grandma, pizza.
160
00:06:45,273 --> 00:06:46,507
Pot.
161
00:06:46,608 --> 00:06:49,009
Oh, okay.
162
00:06:49,110 --> 00:06:50,444
Who are you
Alex P. Keaton?
163
00:06:50,545 --> 00:06:51,679
Do you want
the pizza or not?
164
00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:53,113
Yeah, yeah,
I want it.
165
00:06:53,248 --> 00:06:54,515
Ilana, I got
the pizza.
166
00:06:54,616 --> 00:06:55,716
Pizza?
167
00:06:55,817 --> 00:06:56,817
Yeah, that's what the
kids are callin' it.
168
00:06:56,985 --> 00:06:58,085
I got it.
Cool.
169
00:06:58,219 --> 00:06:59,753
Pizza, very cool.
170
00:06:59,888 --> 00:07:01,255
All right, sweet.
171
00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:03,791
Let's meet at the ATM where that
dude puked on you last week.
172
00:07:03,925 --> 00:07:05,759
Okay.
Peace.
173
00:07:05,927 --> 00:07:07,361
We haven't finished
your taxes yet.
174
00:07:07,462 --> 00:07:09,263
And you know what a grown-up
woman really does?
175
00:07:09,364 --> 00:07:10,631
Pays someone
else to do it.
176
00:07:10,765 --> 00:07:13,000
Ah, the American way.
177
00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:17,204
So, are you sure you
just want the pot?
178
00:07:17,305 --> 00:07:19,606
You should
really try Oxy.
179
00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:21,909
For $500, I'll sell
you three pages
180
00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:23,610
of my dad's
prescription pad.
181
00:07:23,712 --> 00:07:25,813
No, just
the pot's fine.
182
00:07:25,914 --> 00:07:27,881
I'm ashamed I ever called
you Alex P. Keaton.
183
00:07:27,982 --> 00:07:30,584
I have no idea who
you're talking about.
184
00:07:31,653 --> 00:07:34,722
185
00:07:37,559 --> 00:07:39,126
Nice.
186
00:07:39,227 --> 00:07:40,327
Okay, I wanna say
something to you,
187
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:42,896
but you have
to hear me out.
188
00:07:43,064 --> 00:07:46,233
Okay.
I really think you should put your weed in your front hole.
189
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:48,469
It's too dank to be out in
the air, I'm telling you.
190
00:07:48,570 --> 00:07:50,003
Like, I-- I'm
not doing that.
191
00:07:50,138 --> 00:07:51,271
So, look, I don't
know what you--
192
00:07:51,406 --> 00:07:52,373
Listen, we're gonna be
runnin' around all day,
193
00:07:52,474 --> 00:07:55,142
and there is literally
no safer place.
194
00:07:55,276 --> 00:07:57,778
I don't wanna get too graphic,
but "vajinas" tend to mask the
195
00:07:57,879 --> 00:08:00,347
smell-- and, you know,
they're warm and they're moist,
196
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:01,615
and they have
their own odor.
197
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:02,950
That's why--
Well, what's the graphic part
198
00:08:03,051 --> 00:08:04,084
that you didn't wanna say,
'cause I feel like that
199
00:08:04,219 --> 00:08:06,019
was like pretty
head-on-the-nose.
200
00:08:06,154 --> 00:08:07,888
That was graphic.
201
00:08:07,989 --> 00:08:10,524
I'm not putting pot,
like, up inside of me,
202
00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:14,895
'cause I'm an adult,
and I'm responsible.
203
00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:17,264
Let's go get
some candy.
204
00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:22,536
(both)
Ooh...
205
00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:23,837
Kids used to say it
would take them, like,
206
00:08:23,972 --> 00:08:26,607
a week to get to the center
of one of these bad boys.
207
00:08:26,741 --> 00:08:29,309
But I know the trick to
gettin' right to it.
208
00:08:37,752 --> 00:08:41,789
(screaming)
209
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:45,794
What up, Ilana?
210
00:08:45,928 --> 00:08:48,396
So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker,
and my veneer fell out,
211
00:08:48,497 --> 00:08:50,632
and now I am
a literal monster.
212
00:08:50,766 --> 00:08:52,000
I didn't know you
had a veneer,
213
00:08:52,101 --> 00:08:54,135
and I'm in that mouth
on a regular basis.
214
00:08:54,236 --> 00:08:55,403
Well, I broke it
on a dog bone,
215
00:08:55,538 --> 00:08:56,571
so I don't tell
a lot of people,
216
00:08:56,672 --> 00:08:57,772
to be honest.
217
00:08:57,873 --> 00:08:59,641
You know, since
we're bein' honest,
218
00:08:59,742 --> 00:09:05,880
I want to share with you that
I have prosthetic balls.
219
00:09:06,015 --> 00:09:09,350
What?
I'm just kiddin'!
220
00:09:11,086 --> 00:09:12,287
So, can you fix it?
221
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:13,621
Yeah, I'm not doin'
anything right now.
222
00:09:13,823 --> 00:09:17,158
(mumbling)
Chill. I'm on the phone, man.
223
00:09:17,293 --> 00:09:22,197
So the earliest I could
see you is 4:30.
224
00:09:22,298 --> 00:09:23,932
Thank you
so much, dude.
225
00:09:24,066 --> 00:09:25,600
All right,
so where were we?
226
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:27,302
Oh, yeah.
227
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,804
Yeesh! These all
gotta come out.
228
00:09:29,939 --> 00:09:31,339
What?
229
00:09:31,507 --> 00:09:34,142
I'm just kiddin'.
230
00:09:34,276 --> 00:09:36,444
I'm a real jokester
today-- I had that one,
231
00:09:36,545 --> 00:09:38,813
and the one earlier
about prosthetic balls.
232
00:09:38,914 --> 00:09:42,517
I'm crushin' it,
two for two all day.
233
00:09:42,618 --> 00:09:45,253
234
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:47,388
Okay.
235
00:09:47,523 --> 00:09:49,457
I can't make heads
or tails of this.
236
00:09:49,592 --> 00:09:50,925
What is this for?
237
00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:52,460
Oh, I got that for
biking on the sidewalk,
238
00:09:52,661 --> 00:09:54,696
but because I hadn't
paid my last ticket
239
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:55,997
for biking on
the sidewalk--
240
00:09:56,165 --> 00:09:57,799
I gotta tell ya, this
is all a mess,
241
00:09:57,900 --> 00:10:00,301
'cause none of this is
necessary or helpful.
242
00:10:00,402 --> 00:10:05,373
Oh, come on, Killian Casey,
C.P.A., I didn't know!
243
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:07,475
Oh, I didn't know,
Killian.
244
00:10:07,576 --> 00:10:10,178
My final question-- do
you have any dependents?
245
00:10:10,279 --> 00:10:16,584
Uh, I have a lot of
independence, but, um--
246
00:10:16,752 --> 00:10:19,487
I guess I have people
who depend on me, too.
247
00:10:19,622 --> 00:10:22,891
So, no?
Correct.
248
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:25,793
I think I almost
got this.
249
00:10:25,961 --> 00:10:27,161
Got what?
250
00:10:27,296 --> 00:10:32,767
I think it's, like, some sort
of rocket ship or something.
251
00:10:32,868 --> 00:10:34,402
It's my family.
252
00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:36,170
This magic eye
is your family?
253
00:10:36,272 --> 00:10:37,839
It's a regular
photograph.
254
00:10:37,973 --> 00:10:41,643
I don't know, man.
I don't care if you believe me or not.
255
00:10:43,579 --> 00:10:45,613
Your refund
comes to $52.
256
00:10:45,714 --> 00:10:47,248
Cha-chang,
cha-chang!
257
00:10:47,349 --> 00:10:49,050
(Killian)
It's combined State and Federal.
258
00:10:49,218 --> 00:10:52,854
My fee is $125
for the day. What?
259
00:10:52,988 --> 00:10:55,757
I'm giving you more
than I'm getting back?
260
00:10:55,891 --> 00:10:58,226
That's illegal.
It's not illegal.
261
00:10:58,360 --> 00:10:59,894
You're paying me to do
your taxes for you.
262
00:10:59,995 --> 00:11:02,163
Yeah, but I'm not
gonna go negative
263
00:11:02,264 --> 00:11:03,998
for my taxes
to get done.
264
00:11:04,099 --> 00:11:05,466
I shouldn't have done
them in the first place.
265
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:07,802
You know what? I think
we're done here.
266
00:11:07,903 --> 00:11:11,239
Why don't you take
your garbage...
267
00:11:11,340 --> 00:11:12,907
and mail it
out yourself.
268
00:11:13,042 --> 00:11:14,275
You're not gonna
mail it?
269
00:11:14,376 --> 00:11:15,944
I thought this was
a one-stop shop.
270
00:11:16,078 --> 00:11:18,746
I came here
for the stamps.
271
00:11:20,282 --> 00:11:21,516
I see it,
it's your family.
272
00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:22,550
Get outta here.
I got it.
273
00:11:22,718 --> 00:11:24,252
Get outta here!
274
00:11:24,386 --> 00:11:26,154
Who yells?
275
00:11:26,288 --> 00:11:28,122
Go! Go!
276
00:11:28,223 --> 00:11:30,091
My purse!
Go!
277
00:11:30,225 --> 00:11:31,726
Get out!
Get outta here!
278
00:11:31,894 --> 00:11:34,195
Give me that!
279
00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:39,233
(screaming)
280
00:11:45,407 --> 00:11:46,441
I'd have sex
with that dude.
281
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:47,542
Would you have sex
with that dude?
282
00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:50,945
No, but I'd see
him naked, you know?
283
00:11:51,146 --> 00:11:54,315
Now, this dude,
I would let in!
284
00:11:54,450 --> 00:11:56,417
He loves his mom.
285
00:11:56,552 --> 00:11:59,554
See, that guy--
trim beard,
286
00:11:59,655 --> 00:12:02,023
he's very ambitious,
he's reading.
287
00:12:02,124 --> 00:12:04,158
I would do it.
288
00:12:04,259 --> 00:12:06,361
What about him?
He's pretty hot.
289
00:12:06,462 --> 00:12:09,664
He's got huge balls.
290
00:12:09,798 --> 00:12:12,800
Are you asking me if I'd
make love with that dog?
291
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:15,269
I obviously mean
if you were a dog.
292
00:12:15,371 --> 00:12:17,005
Oh.
293
00:12:17,106 --> 00:12:19,841
He's very muscular,
really handsome.
294
00:12:19,942 --> 00:12:21,075
I don't know.
295
00:12:21,210 --> 00:12:23,378
I think I would need to know,
like, what kinda dog I was
296
00:12:23,479 --> 00:12:25,213
to be able to really
answer that question.
297
00:12:25,314 --> 00:12:28,549
Like, you can't just
throw around answers.
298
00:12:28,651 --> 00:12:31,552
You like hurt my head
you're so smart, Ab.
299
00:12:31,687 --> 00:12:32,887
What kinda dog
would you be?
300
00:12:33,022 --> 00:12:35,823
A slim pug.
301
00:12:35,958 --> 00:12:37,392
Yeah.
You knew that immediately.
302
00:12:37,493 --> 00:12:38,960
Yeah, I thought
about it before.
303
00:12:39,061 --> 00:12:41,229
I would be a three-legged mutt,
because I'd be like a highly
304
00:12:41,330 --> 00:12:44,365
respected minority, and I'd
be all the dogs' fetishes.
305
00:12:44,466 --> 00:12:48,136
That-- Ilana, that is
like a special choice.
306
00:12:48,237 --> 00:12:50,338
Like, actually like
a very selfish choice.
307
00:12:50,439 --> 00:12:54,075
'Cause everybody's
like ...
308
00:12:56,211 --> 00:12:58,346
It's 4:00!
We gotta go.
309
00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,414
Dude, we have
an appointment?
310
00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:00,982
We need to get
to the dentist.
311
00:13:01,150 --> 00:13:03,084
I like how you call
Lincoln the dentist.
312
00:13:03,252 --> 00:13:05,486
He is the dentist.
313
00:13:05,621 --> 00:13:07,855
314
00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:09,223
Blam, blam, blam,
blam, blam!
315
00:13:09,358 --> 00:13:10,958
Blam, blam,
blam, blam!
316
00:13:11,093 --> 00:13:12,827
You know what it is,
break yourself!
317
00:13:12,961 --> 00:13:14,595
Oh my God!
318
00:13:14,730 --> 00:13:16,764
Yes, let's turn up
the nitrous.
319
00:13:16,899 --> 00:13:17,899
I know you like that.
320
00:13:18,033 --> 00:13:19,534
My God, it's good.
321
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,035
Oh, yeah.
322
00:13:21,136 --> 00:13:25,273
You know, Ilana, we've been
hangin' for a while, and the
323
00:13:25,407 --> 00:13:27,408
arrangement we
have now is cool--
324
00:13:27,509 --> 00:13:29,911
the ol' sex
buddies thing?
325
00:13:30,012 --> 00:13:32,647
I love it, it's dope,
'cause I get to bone a lot.
326
00:13:32,748 --> 00:13:34,048
Yeah.
327
00:13:34,149 --> 00:13:36,250
But, you ever thought what
it would be like to be in a--
328
00:13:36,385 --> 00:13:40,455
a real relationship--
boyfriend-girlfriend?
329
00:13:40,556 --> 00:13:43,524
It could be great.
330
00:13:45,127 --> 00:13:47,462
"Oh, yeah,
Lincoln, I do.
331
00:13:47,596 --> 00:13:49,430
I do wanna date
you seriously,
332
00:13:49,565 --> 00:13:50,665
and I'm gonna
stop gettin'
333
00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:52,900
(bleep) out by
random dudes.
334
00:13:53,035 --> 00:13:55,837
I want stability, I wanna
hang out with a guy
335
00:13:55,971 --> 00:13:59,974
that has a six-figure
income and a good job.
336
00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:03,611
Suck his D
all the time."
337
00:14:10,285 --> 00:14:13,488
I know, I got it.
338
00:14:14,857 --> 00:14:17,258
339
00:14:38,947 --> 00:14:42,216
You know I hate to
see you leavin'...
340
00:14:42,351 --> 00:14:43,751
How many do you have?
341
00:14:43,886 --> 00:14:46,187
Oh, know, this is,
um-- I got this silver--
342
00:14:46,321 --> 00:14:47,822
like it was just
part of the toys.
343
00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:51,359
No, children, how many
children do you have?
344
00:14:52,528 --> 00:14:55,096
Hello?
345
00:15:02,404 --> 00:15:06,240
(boy)
Mom, I never seen somebody do that before.
346
00:15:08,644 --> 00:15:11,579
I'm not a mom!
347
00:15:11,747 --> 00:15:14,682
You ever seen
someone that's tired?
348
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:16,250
I don't sit there and
say, "I bet you're a mom
349
00:15:16,351 --> 00:15:18,886
'cause you
have a kid."
350
00:15:19,021 --> 00:15:21,889
I'm not a mom,
I'm a grown-ass woman!
351
00:15:21,990 --> 00:15:24,292
I deserve respect,
I know what I want...
352
00:15:24,426 --> 00:15:26,627
(smoke alarm beeping)
353
00:15:26,728 --> 00:15:29,730
No, no, no, no!
Oh! Damn it!
354
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:33,701
No, no, no!
355
00:15:33,836 --> 00:15:34,735
No, no!
356
00:15:34,837 --> 00:15:37,438
(screaming)
357
00:15:38,341 --> 00:15:40,642
Ilana, I am like,
I'm so sorry.
358
00:15:40,743 --> 00:15:42,311
Like, this is insane.
359
00:15:42,412 --> 00:15:44,980
I would-- this is not
somethin' I would do.
360
00:15:45,081 --> 00:15:46,481
Like, I would
not do this.
361
00:15:46,583 --> 00:15:50,986
Maybe it's the nitrous
or maybe it's the weed,
362
00:15:51,154 --> 00:15:54,623
but, uh, I don't care.
363
00:15:54,757 --> 00:15:57,993
You just...
364
00:15:58,127 --> 00:15:59,561
Doc?
Yeah?
365
00:15:59,729 --> 00:16:01,363
What's the ol' damage
on the pearly--
366
00:16:01,464 --> 00:16:03,365
Don't touch
the tooth yet! Okay, okay.
367
00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:05,734
I got it, got it.
There's no damage.
368
00:16:05,835 --> 00:16:07,936
I'm not charging you,
first tooth is on me.
369
00:16:08,071 --> 00:16:09,638
Lincoln... I can't.
370
00:16:09,739 --> 00:16:11,206
You can't-- I can't have
you pay my medical bills.
371
00:16:11,341 --> 00:16:13,141
That's like--
All right, well,
372
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:16,545
a new veneer
costs $1,400.
373
00:16:16,646 --> 00:16:19,014
Thank you so much!
374
00:16:19,148 --> 00:16:22,351
That's, like, really,
really sweet.
375
00:16:22,452 --> 00:16:24,753
Thank you.
376
00:16:41,271 --> 00:16:43,672
It's okay,
it's okay.
377
00:16:55,084 --> 00:16:57,586
378
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,987
How you doin'?
379
00:16:59,155 --> 00:17:03,458
I am, uh, doing my taxes,
as you can see, and I just
380
00:17:03,559 --> 00:17:07,062
need a manila envelope
to seal the deal.
381
00:17:07,163 --> 00:17:10,098
I just want a plain one,
not one of your guys'.
382
00:17:10,233 --> 00:17:12,067
No offense.
None taken.
383
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:15,404
I hate this place.
Oh.
384
00:17:21,044 --> 00:17:22,577
Could just use
the recycling bin.
385
00:17:22,745 --> 00:17:24,112
It's right there.
386
00:17:24,247 --> 00:17:27,883
I don't know, maybe not copy
all the garbage to begin with.
387
00:17:27,984 --> 00:17:30,252
Wasteful.
388
00:17:32,055 --> 00:17:33,322
Packing a pillow
with packing peanuts,
389
00:17:33,456 --> 00:17:35,023
'cause that's
necessary!
390
00:17:35,158 --> 00:17:36,925
What do you pack packing
peanuts with, pillows?
391
00:17:37,060 --> 00:17:39,161
Pillows are nature's
packing peanuts!
392
00:17:39,262 --> 00:17:41,630
(man whispering)
Abbi.
393
00:17:55,979 --> 00:17:59,414
No, you're
the fools!
394
00:17:59,549 --> 00:18:03,485
You're garbage people
living on garbage island!
395
00:18:03,619 --> 00:18:04,686
Did you hear that?
396
00:18:04,854 --> 00:18:08,290
Who are you,
Joe Mainstreet?
397
00:18:08,424 --> 00:18:11,626
I am not a mom!
398
00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:20,335
She's had a lot
of sugar today.
399
00:18:20,436 --> 00:18:21,503
Yeah.
400
00:18:21,637 --> 00:18:22,971
Abbi, are you okay?
401
00:18:23,106 --> 00:18:24,573
You're having
a literal tantrum.
402
00:18:24,707 --> 00:18:26,041
I don't know, I just
gotta get home.
403
00:18:26,175 --> 00:18:28,643
Like, I just smoked so much
weed my stomach really hurts.
404
00:18:28,811 --> 00:18:31,847
Like, I think I kicked
somebody in the face.
405
00:18:31,948 --> 00:18:33,749
No, that was
a cardboard cutout.
406
00:18:33,883 --> 00:18:35,584
It's all good.
407
00:18:35,685 --> 00:18:37,552
I just-- this is why
I can't have my own weed.
408
00:18:37,653 --> 00:18:39,955
It's the same thing as ice
cream, and like cough syrup.
409
00:18:40,089 --> 00:18:42,457
I just-- I just smoke so much,
and then I just go nuts,
410
00:18:42,558 --> 00:18:44,760
like I can't have
it in the house.
411
00:18:44,861 --> 00:18:46,128
I mean I have to keep
bumming off of you.
412
00:18:46,229 --> 00:18:47,629
That's fine, dude.
413
00:18:47,764 --> 00:18:50,165
I love it!
It's my pleasure.
414
00:18:50,266 --> 00:18:51,233
If it makes you
feel any better,
415
00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:53,168
I'm sending these
taxes to my parents.
416
00:18:53,269 --> 00:18:54,503
I have to.
417
00:18:54,670 --> 00:18:56,605
I'm not gonna be a tax expert
overnight, you know?
418
00:18:56,739 --> 00:18:58,774
It's a process, we're all
going through a process.
419
00:18:58,875 --> 00:19:01,777
You know, last year they
got me $600 back, so.
420
00:19:01,878 --> 00:19:03,945
I think they might just
be sending you money.
421
00:19:04,047 --> 00:19:05,614
They're just
sending you money.
422
00:19:05,715 --> 00:19:06,848
I think you're
very wrong.
423
00:19:06,949 --> 00:19:09,618
No, I think I'm right.
424
00:19:09,719 --> 00:19:11,853
I just wanna get home
and watch my shows.
425
00:19:11,954 --> 00:19:13,088
I need you to
take this pot.
426
00:19:13,189 --> 00:19:15,357
I can't even, like,
have it on--
427
00:19:15,491 --> 00:19:17,826
Okay, there's
a cop dog-- okay.
428
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,929
Just-- Jesus!
Okay.
429
00:19:21,030 --> 00:19:22,330
Ilana, you gotta
take this.
430
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:23,565
You gotta take it.
431
00:19:23,699 --> 00:19:25,467
I am stuffed to
the gills, dude.
432
00:19:25,568 --> 00:19:27,335
You got this.
433
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:28,537
You're a big girl.
434
00:19:28,671 --> 00:19:31,006
C'mon.
435
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:34,076
It's just not fair.
436
00:19:34,210 --> 00:19:38,013
C'mon, hurry up,
bitch.
437
00:19:38,114 --> 00:19:41,249
If you are not too dry,
cause that would hurt.
438
00:19:41,417 --> 00:19:43,518
That's disgusting.
439
00:19:43,653 --> 00:19:45,587
You're just loving it,
aren't you?
440
00:19:45,721 --> 00:19:47,122
Give it a couple
of minutes,
441
00:19:47,290 --> 00:19:51,560
and I think you will
enjoy yourself as well.
442
00:19:51,661 --> 00:19:52,861
I'm telling you
once it settles,
443
00:19:52,962 --> 00:19:55,397
it starts to hit
different points.
444
00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:56,531
I'm feeling feverish.
445
00:19:56,699 --> 00:19:58,734
Does it go
through the bag?
446
00:19:58,768 --> 00:19:59,835
long my nails are.
447
00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:01,537
It makes me feel
really feminine.
448
00:20:01,672 --> 00:20:04,140
And I like that my eyes
are really big and brown.
449
00:20:04,274 --> 00:20:05,775
(Ilana)
I love your eyes, too.
450
00:20:05,909 --> 00:20:07,443
(Abbi)
No, you have to say something about yourself.
451
00:20:07,577 --> 00:20:10,680
(Ilana)
Oh-- something I love about myself is-- rain or shine,
452
00:20:10,814 --> 00:20:12,715
thick or thin-- if
I have to take a dump,
453
00:20:12,849 --> 00:20:15,551
I can go anywhere--
outside, inside,
454
00:20:15,719 --> 00:20:17,453
sometimes
even on queue.
455
00:20:17,621 --> 00:20:18,988
(Abbi)
I don't know, I'm picky.
456
00:20:19,122 --> 00:20:20,489
I like it
to be quiet.
457
00:20:20,624 --> 00:20:22,058
I can't have a lot
of people around.
458
00:20:22,192 --> 00:20:24,794
You know what's the
biggest luxury?
459
00:20:24,928 --> 00:20:26,529
Pooping when
no one's home.
460
00:20:26,630 --> 00:20:28,564
(Ilana)
Oh, my God, yes, especially when it's not your own house.
461
00:20:28,665 --> 00:20:29,865
(Abbi)
Wait, what?
462
00:20:29,966 --> 00:20:31,801
(woman)
Hey!
463
00:20:31,902 --> 00:20:34,537
You guys can't be here
if you don't have dogs!
464
00:20:34,638 --> 00:20:36,939
We have dogs!
We got dogs!
465
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:38,708
Where are your dogs?
466
00:20:38,842 --> 00:20:41,310
Where are your dogs?
467
00:20:41,478 --> 00:20:43,412
Right here!
468
00:20:45,415 --> 00:20:46,515
Well, all right.
469
00:20:46,616 --> 00:20:48,718
Just...
Yeah, well, great.
470
00:20:48,819 --> 00:20:50,753
Happy-- I'm so
happy for you.
471
00:20:50,921 --> 00:20:52,888
You know, we're not
gonna molest your dogs!
472
00:20:53,056 --> 00:20:55,224
Unless we were dogs!
473
00:20:55,274 --> 00:20:59,824
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