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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,445 --> 00:00:06,008 This is absolutely unbeleivable, Twice in the past week. 2 00:00:06,408 --> 00:00:08,693 I will be on the phone to your superior. 3 00:00:10,185 --> 00:00:15,544 I am Chief Inspector and I will be on the phone to your superior. 4 00:00:15,545 --> 00:00:18,625 It's just simply not acceptable, do you understand? 5 00:00:19,732 --> 00:00:20,732 Yes. 6 00:00:21,850 --> 00:00:24,944 Hang on. Did you want stuffed crust, or just...? 7 00:00:24,945 --> 00:00:26,464 Yes, stuffed crust please. 8 00:00:26,465 --> 00:00:28,344 ? No doubt about it ? 9 00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:29,945 ? I'm on my way ? 10 00:00:31,127 --> 00:00:32,664 ? Take it over ? 11 00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:35,024 ? I'm here to sta-ay ? 12 00:00:35,025 --> 00:00:37,257 ? We're teaming together ? 13 00:00:37,258 --> 00:00:39,624 ? That's what I sa-ay ? 14 00:00:39,625 --> 00:00:41,624 ? One way to do this ? 15 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,025 ? Taking over today ? 16 00:00:45,395 --> 00:00:47,235 ? We're taking over ? 17 00:00:49,724 --> 00:00:52,156 ? We're taking over today. ? 18 00:00:52,157 --> 00:00:54,441 Subtitles by explosiveskull 19 00:00:54,768 --> 00:00:56,784 This is Northend airport, 20 00:00:56,785 --> 00:00:59,424 the most successful airport in Northend. 21 00:00:59,425 --> 00:01:00,544 Hello! 22 00:01:00,545 --> 00:01:01,496 (SHE LAUGHS) 23 00:01:01,497 --> 00:01:03,291 Back again to bother us? 24 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,584 Sorry. 25 00:01:05,585 --> 00:01:07,464 Just act natural. 26 00:01:07,465 --> 00:01:10,544 Here, the men and women on the front line of the UK's borders 27 00:01:10,545 --> 00:01:13,944 have granted us behind-the-scenes access like never before. 28 00:01:13,945 --> 00:01:15,225 Apart from last year. 29 00:01:20,425 --> 00:01:23,624 It's Monday morning and Chief Inspector Linda Proctor is 30 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,504 determined to start the week as she means to go on... 31 00:01:26,505 --> 00:01:28,864 with an upbeat and positive outlook. 32 00:01:28,865 --> 00:01:31,984 Good morning everyone, good morning. 33 00:01:31,985 --> 00:01:34,424 Now, I have been concerned in the past 34 00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:37,344 that team meetings tend to focus on the negative. 35 00:01:37,345 --> 00:01:39,144 So, from now on, 36 00:01:39,145 --> 00:01:40,744 positivity. 37 00:01:40,745 --> 00:01:42,704 Have you been on another training course? 38 00:01:42,705 --> 00:01:44,264 Instant negativity. 39 00:01:44,265 --> 00:01:47,104 No, I haven't, actually. This is my own initiative. 40 00:01:47,105 --> 00:01:50,744 It was actually a management training course. 41 00:01:50,745 --> 00:01:52,344 "Yes, we can, 42 00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:56,224 "fostering hope and positivity in management methodology. 43 00:01:56,225 --> 00:01:58,544 I actually...I got a lot out of it. 44 00:01:58,545 --> 00:02:02,384 We played truth or dare, that was an eye-opener. 45 00:02:02,385 --> 00:02:04,704 Do you know what bukkake is? 46 00:02:04,705 --> 00:02:07,424 I have some very positive news. 47 00:02:07,425 --> 00:02:10,104 To celebrate the opening of the new terminal, 48 00:02:10,105 --> 00:02:13,545 we are having a royal visit. 49 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,984 - The Queen? - (LAUGHTER) 50 00:02:16,985 --> 00:02:18,784 Why is that funny? That would be insane. 51 00:02:18,785 --> 00:02:20,144 No, no, it's not the Queen. 52 00:02:20,145 --> 00:02:21,704 (THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER) 53 00:02:21,705 --> 00:02:23,544 - We don't know. - Eugenie? 54 00:02:23,545 --> 00:02:26,064 Look, please stop trying to guess, we don't actually know. 55 00:02:26,065 --> 00:02:28,224 - Could be Sophie. - No, it's not... Look, we don't know. 56 00:02:28,225 --> 00:02:29,864 You wouldn't bow if the Queen...? 57 00:02:29,865 --> 00:02:31,584 Look, it's not the cocking Queen, OK?! 58 00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:32,985 (SILENCE) 59 00:02:36,585 --> 00:02:40,024 Despite the agents' excitement at the impending royal visit, 60 00:02:40,025 --> 00:02:42,664 not everyone at the airport shares their enthusiasm. 61 00:02:42,665 --> 00:02:45,104 When I heard, I was like, "What?! No way." 62 00:02:45,105 --> 00:02:46,584 What was I like, Suji? 63 00:02:46,585 --> 00:02:50,265 Er... He was like, "What? No way." 64 00:02:52,185 --> 00:02:55,464 I don't want to have no royals up in here, you understand what I'm saying, bruv? 65 00:02:55,465 --> 00:02:57,624 - Not on my watch. What'd I say? - Yeah, not on his watch. 66 00:02:57,625 --> 00:03:00,504 Not on my watch. Bringing the imperialisms now, 67 00:03:00,505 --> 00:03:04,504 bringing the colonialism now, into my work space. No thank you. 68 00:03:04,505 --> 00:03:05,904 What did I say? 69 00:03:05,905 --> 00:03:07,625 I can't really remember all of it. 70 00:03:08,785 --> 00:03:11,824 During an usually quiet period at passport control, 71 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,864 Proctor gets increasingly nervous about the royal visit 72 00:03:14,865 --> 00:03:17,944 and attempts to stay positive by any means necessary. 73 00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:19,504 Grant. 74 00:03:19,505 --> 00:03:22,264 Don't give those back to me, OK? 75 00:03:22,265 --> 00:03:24,544 - Sugar is a drug. - OK, understood. 76 00:03:24,545 --> 00:03:27,224 I do not need sugar to be positive. 77 00:03:27,225 --> 00:03:30,224 Honestly, it's so addictive, it's worse than cocaine. 78 00:03:30,225 --> 00:03:32,784 I've never tried cocaine before, Lin. 79 00:03:32,785 --> 00:03:33,985 Pornography, then. 80 00:03:36,225 --> 00:03:37,904 Oh. Right. 81 00:03:37,905 --> 00:03:40,464 What Proctor doesn't know is the mystery royal 82 00:03:40,465 --> 00:03:43,064 isn't the only surprise visit to Northend today. 83 00:03:43,065 --> 00:03:45,904 Ex-border agent Clive Hassler is also on-site 84 00:03:45,905 --> 00:03:48,384 in his new role as airport police officer. 85 00:03:48,385 --> 00:03:50,944 When I applied to transfer to the airport, 86 00:03:50,945 --> 00:03:53,584 they were really surprised, 87 00:03:53,585 --> 00:03:56,784 cos they said that no-one ever, ever, ever wants 88 00:03:56,785 --> 00:03:58,624 to come and work at the airport. 89 00:03:58,625 --> 00:04:01,544 I think that's just cos they maybe have never been to one, 90 00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,104 or know what it's like. 91 00:04:03,105 --> 00:04:05,944 The rest of the team are so far unaware that Clive's working 92 00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:09,145 here again, and he's looking forward to breaking it to them gently. 93 00:04:10,425 --> 00:04:11,053 Do you know... 94 00:04:11,054 --> 00:04:13,144 - Get on the fucking ground! - Ah! 95 00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:14,944 - Oh, my. - Jesus Christ! 96 00:04:14,945 --> 00:04:16,544 (CLIVE LAUGHS) 97 00:04:16,545 --> 00:04:18,544 You scared the living daylight out of me. 98 00:04:18,545 --> 00:04:21,384 - Clive! What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm sorry. 99 00:04:21,385 --> 00:04:24,664 - Hey, Grant. - Clive. Good to see you. 100 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:27,305 Hey, guys. Who? 101 00:04:29,065 --> 00:04:30,904 - Oh, new sound guy. - Clive. 102 00:04:30,905 --> 00:04:33,185 - So, why are you here? - Oh... 103 00:04:35,545 --> 00:04:37,824 I'm the new airport policeman. 104 00:04:37,825 --> 00:04:40,464 I'm going to be stationed at the terminal. 105 00:04:40,465 --> 00:04:41,704 - Really? - Yeah. 106 00:04:41,705 --> 00:04:46,304 So you're the first line of defence between us and a terrorist attack? 107 00:04:46,305 --> 00:04:48,585 Yeah, well, me and big Malcolm. 108 00:04:49,825 --> 00:04:52,184 - Who's big Malcolm? - Oh, it's my partner, 109 00:04:52,185 --> 00:04:55,184 I'm just getting his lunch for him. 110 00:04:55,185 --> 00:04:56,225 You enjoying yourself? 111 00:04:57,265 --> 00:04:59,984 - Yep, yeah. - Life's big dream, eh? 112 00:04:59,985 --> 00:05:02,344 - Yeah, it's what I wanted. - Yeah. 113 00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:03,784 Can I touch your gun? 114 00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:06,384 No. Go on. No, I'm not really supposed to... 115 00:05:06,385 --> 00:05:08,089 - Please, let me just have a little... - No, cos... 116 00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:09,424 Just a little touch. 117 00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:12,544 Well, you're not my boss any more. 118 00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:13,744 - No, don't...! - Oh! 119 00:05:13,745 --> 00:05:15,504 ...reach for it, because... 120 00:05:15,505 --> 00:05:18,704 - Sorry, I... No, sorry, I just... - Hey, Clive... 121 00:05:18,705 --> 00:05:20,532 - I'm sorry. - No, it's OK, I'm still 122 00:05:20,533 --> 00:05:21,544 getting used to it myself. 123 00:05:21,545 --> 00:05:23,944 Hey, do you want to come and see the other guys? 124 00:05:23,945 --> 00:05:25,424 - They're just in there? - Yeah. 125 00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:27,424 Yeah, go and see them, they'd love to see you. 126 00:05:27,425 --> 00:05:28,216 You want a sweet? 127 00:05:28,217 --> 00:05:29,144 - I can have these? - Yeah. 128 00:05:29,145 --> 00:05:31,424 (THEY LAUGH) 129 00:05:31,425 --> 00:05:33,984 Listen, you can touch my gun, just not in front of the cameras. 130 00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:35,224 Oh, OK, cool. 131 00:05:35,225 --> 00:05:38,144 Back in the office, Agent Mansoor is still rather amused 132 00:05:38,145 --> 00:05:41,784 that his colleague Agent Church appears to be a surprise royalist. 133 00:05:41,785 --> 00:05:45,304 I just don't think it's weird to be excited about meeting the Queen. 134 00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:47,945 But she won't come, because this is Northend Airport... 135 00:05:48,985 --> 00:05:50,265 ...and she's really old. 136 00:05:51,425 --> 00:05:53,145 But mainly cos it's Northend Airport. 137 00:05:54,265 --> 00:05:56,464 FAKE POSH ACCENT: What is your name, my dear? 138 00:05:56,465 --> 00:05:59,504 Andy, what's happening here...? Oh, you're the Queen. 139 00:05:59,505 --> 00:06:02,544 - Your Majesty. - Your Majesty, sorry, my...my fault. 140 00:06:02,545 --> 00:06:06,024 You keeping our borders safe, protecting my money? 141 00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:08,704 No, not my job, but I will keep your borders safe. 142 00:06:08,705 --> 00:06:13,104 So tiring, you know, millions just falling from my pockets. 143 00:06:13,105 --> 00:06:16,144 You should get a better accountant if that is happening. 144 00:06:16,145 --> 00:06:18,704 I'm a good, good monarch. 145 00:06:18,705 --> 00:06:20,104 Yeah. 146 00:06:20,105 --> 00:06:21,225 Oh, God. 147 00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:24,264 What'd you do last night? 148 00:06:24,265 --> 00:06:25,664 Couple of beers, 149 00:06:25,665 --> 00:06:28,465 and then I did this vape THC oil, which was... 150 00:06:29,945 --> 00:06:31,064 (HE LAUGHS) 151 00:06:31,065 --> 00:06:34,064 - No, you didn't. - No, it's marijuana oil. 152 00:06:34,065 --> 00:06:36,344 It's vaping, it's not smoking, so... 153 00:06:36,345 --> 00:06:39,545 Yeah, but you didn't do that either, because that's still illegal. 154 00:06:46,785 --> 00:06:48,345 Oh, yeah. 155 00:06:49,705 --> 00:06:53,384 So that's the Queen's night, and what did you do, Tariq? 156 00:06:53,385 --> 00:06:55,425 I just had a couple of pints and went home. 157 00:06:57,385 --> 00:06:59,424 Oh, that's just a game that we play. 158 00:06:59,425 --> 00:07:02,785 Yeah, he comes in every day and pretends to be a different... 159 00:07:04,305 --> 00:07:06,784 ...monarch doing a different illegal thing. 160 00:07:06,785 --> 00:07:09,785 So, yesterday it was Prince Charles... 161 00:07:12,625 --> 00:07:13,665 ...speeding. 162 00:07:15,065 --> 00:07:18,504 After his successful impression of the Queen smoking something illegal, 163 00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:21,504 Agent Mansoor, who just had a couple of pints and went home, 164 00:07:21,505 --> 00:07:23,824 seems to be inexplicably nervous. 165 00:07:23,825 --> 00:07:26,904 Luckily, he's about to receive a welcome distraction. 166 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,025 Hey, guys. 167 00:07:29,145 --> 00:07:30,584 A bit of a surprise... 168 00:07:30,585 --> 00:07:32,784 It's me, it's me, I'm the surprise! Surprise! 169 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:34,424 Oh! Hey! 170 00:07:34,425 --> 00:07:36,064 It's me, I'm the surprise. 171 00:07:36,065 --> 00:07:38,025 - How are you, man? Good to see you. - Hey, Tariq. 172 00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,304 Hey, Clive. Hey, Andy. 173 00:07:41,305 --> 00:07:44,464 How are you doing? I'm going to be working in the terminal. 174 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,624 What, this one? Yeah. What, really? 175 00:07:46,625 --> 00:07:48,442 - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. - That's great. 176 00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:49,144 So strong now. 177 00:07:49,145 --> 00:07:51,744 Do you know what I mean? Coming out of the T-shirt, there. 178 00:07:51,745 --> 00:07:53,544 - Yeah, yeah. - Just the one. 179 00:07:53,545 --> 00:07:55,544 No, I got both. 180 00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:57,664 - Oh, OK. - Yeah. Good to see you guys. 181 00:07:57,665 --> 00:08:00,385 We've actually got to get to a briefing, but... 182 00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:03,264 Yeah, good to see you. 183 00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:04,664 I've got plenty of stuff to do, so. 184 00:08:04,665 --> 00:08:06,384 - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. 185 00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:07,905 - See you later, man. - Bye. 186 00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:13,865 The only problem is that the trousers are very tight, and... 187 00:08:15,985 --> 00:08:18,945 ...I want to be imposing to criminals... 188 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:23,065 ...for the right reasons. 189 00:08:26,225 --> 00:08:28,664 Oh, Clive, you're still here. 190 00:08:28,665 --> 00:08:31,984 Oh, yeah, I was just coming to check on you guys and... 191 00:08:31,985 --> 00:08:33,784 ...make sure this area's safe. 192 00:08:33,785 --> 00:08:35,944 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No crimes. 193 00:08:35,945 --> 00:08:38,504 - Sugar? - Oh, you've made a spare. 194 00:08:38,505 --> 00:08:39,704 (RADIO BUZZES) 195 00:08:39,705 --> 00:08:43,025 Oh, that'll be my partner, big Malcolm. 196 00:08:44,545 --> 00:08:46,704 PC Clive Hassler, over. 197 00:08:46,705 --> 00:08:49,064 Where the fuck are you, you little cunt? 198 00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:51,424 I told you to get your fucking arse back here already, 199 00:08:51,425 --> 00:08:54,825 you fucking toerag. Now get your fucking arse over here now. 200 00:08:56,785 --> 00:08:57,905 Over. 201 00:09:02,105 --> 00:09:03,384 Message received. 202 00:09:03,385 --> 00:09:04,625 O...Over. 203 00:09:06,025 --> 00:09:10,785 Big Malcolm is called Big Malcolm because he's so big... 204 00:09:11,865 --> 00:09:15,184 ...that it helps to identify him, 205 00:09:15,185 --> 00:09:17,065 aside from other Malcolms. 206 00:09:18,105 --> 00:09:20,104 "Which...which Malcolm are you talking about?" 207 00:09:20,105 --> 00:09:21,544 "Big Malcolm." 208 00:09:21,545 --> 00:09:23,385 "The big one?" "Exactly." 209 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,585 He's so big. 210 00:09:28,265 --> 00:09:30,424 - Yeah. - You need to... 211 00:09:30,425 --> 00:09:32,624 As PC Hassler rushes off to get lunch 212 00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:35,224 for the only Malcolm in the Northend Police Service, 213 00:09:35,225 --> 00:09:37,664 Proctor has an update on the royal visit. 214 00:09:37,665 --> 00:09:39,104 We have our answer. 215 00:09:39,105 --> 00:09:43,344 The new terminal at Northend Airport will be opened by 216 00:09:43,345 --> 00:09:45,104 the Earl of Sandwich. 217 00:09:45,105 --> 00:09:46,384 (THEY LAUGH) 218 00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:48,384 Yeah, funny name, let's get it all out now. 219 00:09:48,385 --> 00:09:51,104 Oh, yeah, no, he's actually my favourite royal. 220 00:09:51,105 --> 00:09:54,624 - Just behind the Italian Baron Panini. - Strong. Very good. 221 00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:57,784 Holding out for that French guy, the Dauphin de Baguette. 222 00:09:57,785 --> 00:10:00,104 Yeah. That's a good one. 223 00:10:00,105 --> 00:10:02,504 Or there's the Russian count... 224 00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:05,144 Oh, God, what's Russian for savage? 225 00:10:05,145 --> 00:10:06,465 Ah, fuck 'em. 226 00:10:11,905 --> 00:10:13,305 So funny... 227 00:10:14,785 --> 00:10:16,344 Bagel. 228 00:10:16,345 --> 00:10:18,224 - Ah. - Yeah. 229 00:10:18,225 --> 00:10:19,624 Yeah. 230 00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,145 It's Count von Bagel. 231 00:10:23,305 --> 00:10:25,664 Having attended to Big Malcolm's lunch, 232 00:10:25,665 --> 00:10:28,264 PC Hassler has time for some routine checks 233 00:10:28,265 --> 00:10:30,384 and catching up with old friends. 234 00:10:30,385 --> 00:10:30,970 Feels good. 235 00:10:30,971 --> 00:10:32,944 - Feels safe, as well. - Yeah, it feels safe. 236 00:10:32,945 --> 00:10:34,824 - It feels... - Can I press that, or...? 237 00:10:34,825 --> 00:10:37,224 That's just for police business. 238 00:10:37,225 --> 00:10:38,904 Yeah, course, yeah, yeah. 239 00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:41,664 Because you never mess with the emergency services, innit? 240 00:10:41,665 --> 00:10:43,544 My mum taught me that. 241 00:10:43,545 --> 00:10:45,664 There's a camera. Camera, camera. 242 00:10:45,665 --> 00:10:47,665 Oh, fuck the police! 243 00:10:48,905 --> 00:10:51,424 Don't talk to me! I don't want to talk to you, officer. 244 00:10:51,425 --> 00:10:53,464 It's Clive, though, innit? So I don't know... 245 00:10:53,465 --> 00:10:56,264 That's what you want to do, put me and my people behind bars, innit, 246 00:10:56,265 --> 00:10:59,424 officer? That's what you want to do, policeman. 247 00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:01,305 Erm... See you later, then. 248 00:11:02,465 --> 00:11:05,064 I don't want to talk to you, policeman. 249 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,465 I'll see you at lunch. 250 00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:10,425 Oh, he's gone. 251 00:11:13,025 --> 00:11:15,424 - How long was the camera on for? - Not long, we're all right. 252 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,104 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 253 00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:19,065 ? We're taking over today. ? 254 00:11:19,148 --> 00:11:21,312 ? We're taking over today. ? 255 00:11:21,785 --> 00:11:23,024 Linda, 256 00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:26,379 if you died, right, who would be in charge? 257 00:11:27,830 --> 00:11:31,264 OK, well, you're the next down in seniority, 258 00:11:31,265 --> 00:11:33,664 so it would be you, in the interim. 259 00:11:33,665 --> 00:11:34,985 Yeah. 260 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,331 Yep. 261 00:11:42,825 --> 00:11:44,544 I'm a bit nervous now. 262 00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:46,184 Don't be nervous, it's fine. 263 00:11:46,185 --> 00:11:47,665 I'm going to make a cup of tea. 264 00:11:50,065 --> 00:11:52,344 It's a special day at Northend Airport, 265 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,704 as the new terminal is to be officially opened 266 00:11:54,705 --> 00:11:57,544 by mid-table nobleman the Earl of Sandwich. 267 00:11:57,545 --> 00:12:00,984 Agent Brodie wants to make sure he's fully prepared. 268 00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:04,344 The Earl's seat is Haverford House, 269 00:12:04,345 --> 00:12:07,584 and he was educated at Balliol. 270 00:12:07,585 --> 00:12:10,904 I expect him to be a debonair man. 271 00:12:10,905 --> 00:12:12,424 Yeah, very polite, 272 00:12:12,425 --> 00:12:14,104 and chivalrous, maybe, 273 00:12:14,105 --> 00:12:17,265 would be what the Earl of Sandwich... 274 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,704 ...means to me. 275 00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:22,504 How is your seat? Haverford House. 276 00:12:22,505 --> 00:12:24,984 Haverford House, isn't it? 277 00:12:24,985 --> 00:12:26,704 What, Balliol? Oh, well... 278 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:30,704 Educated myself at Galashiels Business College. 279 00:12:30,705 --> 00:12:34,784 However, not everyone in the airport is enthused by the special occasion. 280 00:12:34,785 --> 00:12:37,864 Baggage handlers Mo and Suj have attained Proctor's permission 281 00:12:37,865 --> 00:12:39,904 to officially protest the visit. 282 00:12:39,905 --> 00:12:42,104 Yeah, it's nice, but he's not a count. 283 00:12:42,105 --> 00:12:43,744 He's an Earl, so... 284 00:12:43,745 --> 00:12:46,864 But what is even the difference between a count and an earl anyway? 285 00:12:46,865 --> 00:12:48,584 I think, like, one of their mums, like, 286 00:12:48,585 --> 00:12:50,064 slept with a king, or something. 287 00:12:50,065 --> 00:12:52,424 - Historical ho, I like that. - Prima nocta. 288 00:12:52,425 --> 00:12:54,984 Just cross that out. Just cross that one out, there. 289 00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:57,904 - What, that one, yeah? - Yeah, just cross it out, it'll be fine. 290 00:12:57,905 --> 00:13:01,064 Oh, I like your style, Suj. 291 00:13:01,065 --> 00:13:03,024 Look. That's just like a generic cuss word 292 00:13:03,025 --> 00:13:04,865 - in work here, anyway. - Easy. 293 00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:08,824 With the impending arrival of such an important guest, 294 00:13:08,825 --> 00:13:11,264 security measures have been stepped up. 295 00:13:11,265 --> 00:13:15,784 Not only is there an elite police presence in the form of PC Hassler, 296 00:13:15,785 --> 00:13:18,985 but a new, highly-trained specialist addition to the team. 297 00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:22,184 Oh, hello, lovely! 298 00:13:22,185 --> 00:13:24,344 You beautiful lady. 299 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,984 - Oh... - Oh. 300 00:13:26,985 --> 00:13:28,384 Isn't she lovely? 301 00:13:28,385 --> 00:13:30,024 She's our new sniffer dog. 302 00:13:30,025 --> 00:13:32,384 - Hey, who is this? Who's this guy? - This is Tariq. 303 00:13:32,385 --> 00:13:33,704 (DOG BARKS) 304 00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,704 Hey, you OK? You all right? OK? 305 00:13:35,705 --> 00:13:37,144 Um... 306 00:13:37,145 --> 00:13:40,784 - What's his problem? - Is this maybe the Queen's jacket? 307 00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:43,384 What? No. I was wearing this last night when I... 308 00:13:43,385 --> 00:13:45,384 Oh. It's the Queen's jacket. 309 00:13:45,385 --> 00:13:47,104 Yeah. 310 00:13:47,105 --> 00:13:48,864 - I'll just... - Yeah, OK. 311 00:13:48,865 --> 00:13:51,744 I don't think the dog was barking cos of his jacket, you know. 312 00:13:51,745 --> 00:13:53,344 Actually, he could have been... 313 00:13:53,345 --> 00:13:56,705 Cos Tariq, he stores... 314 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,064 ...meat in his jackets. 315 00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:02,465 Different meats for different jackets. 316 00:14:04,585 --> 00:14:06,905 Sausages, bomber jacket. 317 00:14:08,385 --> 00:14:11,224 Blazer, pastrami. 318 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,624 While Andy muses on Tariq's meat, 319 00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:17,024 Proctor fluffs the earl's pelmet before he comes into the terminal. 320 00:14:17,025 --> 00:14:20,264 Lovely pelmet. It's all coming together. 321 00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:22,105 The power of positive thinking, see. 322 00:14:23,305 --> 00:14:26,344 CHANTING: The earl, the earl, the earl, can suck his mum. 323 00:14:26,345 --> 00:14:28,704 The earl, the earl, the earl, can suck his mum. 324 00:14:28,705 --> 00:14:30,424 No, no, no! I can't have that here. 325 00:14:30,425 --> 00:14:32,624 I thought you said we had a right to protest. 326 00:14:32,625 --> 00:14:35,424 Yes, you do, but over there, please, by the fence, thank you. 327 00:14:35,425 --> 00:14:36,965 - What? - That's far, bruv. It's like 328 00:14:36,966 --> 00:14:37,904 living where in this joint? 329 00:14:37,905 --> 00:14:38,902 - It's like North Korea. - Yeah. 330 00:14:38,903 --> 00:14:40,264 - Understand me? - Yeah. 331 00:14:40,265 --> 00:14:42,890 Listen, we'll see you in the European Court of Human Rights, 332 00:14:42,891 --> 00:14:43,664 then, innit, Proctor? 333 00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:46,105 Yeah, I don't think so. Brexit. We left, remember? 334 00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:49,185 I told you not to vote out. 335 00:14:51,705 --> 00:14:52,945 Proctor. 336 00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:56,664 What? 337 00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:58,625 But we've done the plaque. 338 00:14:59,745 --> 00:15:00,905 Oh... 339 00:15:02,185 --> 00:15:04,624 You have literally just put sand in my vagina. 340 00:15:04,625 --> 00:15:05,944 Not literally. 341 00:15:05,945 --> 00:15:08,064 Yeah, well, I don't have much choice, do I? 342 00:15:08,065 --> 00:15:10,785 OK, thanks for that. Yeah, brilliant. Cheers, bye. 343 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,744 So, it turned out the Earl of Sandwich is indisposed, 344 00:15:15,745 --> 00:15:17,224 so they're sending us a baron. 345 00:15:17,225 --> 00:15:18,584 (SHE SCOFFS) 346 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,424 Is a baron even royal? 347 00:15:20,425 --> 00:15:22,784 Might as well send us Pippa Middleton. 348 00:15:22,785 --> 00:15:24,705 At least everyone could stare at her arse. 349 00:15:25,785 --> 00:15:29,624 As Proctor awaits the arrival of the incorrectly-plaqued Baron Latimer, 350 00:15:29,625 --> 00:15:33,304 yet another rare quiet moment at passport control gives PC Hassler 351 00:15:33,305 --> 00:15:35,064 a chance to show his old friends 352 00:15:35,065 --> 00:15:37,864 some of his newly-acquired enforcement skills. 353 00:15:37,865 --> 00:15:39,544 And then by the time I've got you there... 354 00:15:39,545 --> 00:15:41,224 - Can you move? - No, I can't, I can't. 355 00:15:41,225 --> 00:15:42,317 - Really? - I can't move. 356 00:15:42,318 --> 00:15:44,104 And from there, then I put the handcuffs on, 357 00:15:44,105 --> 00:15:47,264 but I can't find my keys, so I don't want to put it on you right now. 358 00:15:47,265 --> 00:15:49,624 - And then that will be it. - Wow. 359 00:15:49,625 --> 00:15:51,464 - That's really cool, man. - Great. 360 00:15:51,465 --> 00:15:54,384 - You must love it. - Do you want to see my gun? 361 00:15:54,385 --> 00:15:56,144 - Erm, yeah. - Yeah. 362 00:15:56,145 --> 00:15:57,498 Cos I'm a airport policeman, 363 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,744 - so I get to have a gun. - OK. 364 00:15:58,745 --> 00:16:00,864 - Wow. - It's kind of weird at first, 365 00:16:00,865 --> 00:16:04,064 but then it just becomes like an extension of your arm, really, you know? 366 00:16:04,065 --> 00:16:06,384 - And you can, like... - Oh, wow. 367 00:16:06,385 --> 00:16:08,024 - Dude, that's... - Is that safe? 368 00:16:08,025 --> 00:16:10,305 - No, yeah, that should be on. - Ah. 369 00:16:11,425 --> 00:16:14,704 When I was training to use the gun, 370 00:16:14,705 --> 00:16:17,544 they said that you have to just sort of empty your mind, 371 00:16:17,545 --> 00:16:20,905 so I just sort of look at the target and then become calm. 372 00:16:26,065 --> 00:16:27,305 Bang! 373 00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:30,384 Can I just hold it? 374 00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:31,505 Erm... 375 00:16:32,865 --> 00:16:34,464 - Come round the corner. - Yeah? 376 00:16:34,465 --> 00:16:36,624 - Can I come? - Yeah. 377 00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:38,905 Erm, we're just to the toilet. 378 00:16:40,705 --> 00:16:43,024 - Oh, my God, it's so heavy. - Yeah, put it in your mouth. 379 00:16:43,025 --> 00:16:47,265 Meanwhile, outside, the baron arrives to a warm welcome from the staff. 380 00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:52,944 (HE MUTTERS) 381 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,584 Fully prepped and ready for action, 382 00:16:54,585 --> 00:16:57,744 Agent Brodie provides a slick and professional greeting. 383 00:16:57,745 --> 00:16:59,104 He's stopped there, so... 384 00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:00,905 Is he getting out? 385 00:17:02,225 --> 00:17:03,424 Are you the valet? 386 00:17:03,425 --> 00:17:05,864 Eh, no... Oh, right in my balls. 387 00:17:05,865 --> 00:17:07,264 After a shaky start, 388 00:17:07,265 --> 00:17:10,504 Agent Brodie regroups with a sure-fire icebreaker. 389 00:17:10,505 --> 00:17:13,584 So, how are the repairs going at Haverford House? 390 00:17:13,585 --> 00:17:16,744 The restoration of your country seat? 391 00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:18,344 Who the arse do you think I am? 392 00:17:18,345 --> 00:17:20,464 - You're the Earl of Sandwich. - No, no, no, no. 393 00:17:20,465 --> 00:17:22,504 I'm not the Earl of Sandwich. 394 00:17:22,505 --> 00:17:25,024 Erm, lady, Linda, this is not the Earl of Sandwich. 395 00:17:25,025 --> 00:17:27,664 Chief Inspector Linda Proctor, Baron, delighted to meet you. 396 00:17:27,665 --> 00:17:29,184 - Baron of Sandwich. - Right. 397 00:17:29,185 --> 00:17:31,704 So, your job must have got a lot easier. 398 00:17:31,705 --> 00:17:33,784 - In what way, sir? - Brexit! 399 00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:35,824 Stop the hordes pouring in. 400 00:17:35,825 --> 00:17:38,184 Well, I'm not really sure "hordes" is... 401 00:17:38,185 --> 00:17:39,544 I mean, the odd Pole, fair enough. 402 00:17:39,545 --> 00:17:42,024 Had one rebuild my perimeter wall, but not all these others. 403 00:17:42,025 --> 00:17:44,304 The Bulgarians, Romanians, Kosovans. 404 00:17:44,305 --> 00:17:46,504 Now, what is your position regarding the Muslims? 405 00:17:46,505 --> 00:17:47,505 Here we are, sir! 406 00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:51,384 What? Outside? I'm not standing around in the freezing cold, 407 00:17:51,385 --> 00:17:52,664 I'll catch my death. 408 00:17:52,665 --> 00:17:55,224 Er, Grant, would you get the baron a jacket, please? 409 00:17:55,225 --> 00:17:57,304 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll get you a jacket. 410 00:17:57,305 --> 00:17:59,024 Very good. 411 00:17:59,025 --> 00:18:00,624 Yeah, something tailored. 412 00:18:00,625 --> 00:18:02,665 Oh, yeah, like 38 long. 413 00:18:03,945 --> 00:18:05,584 Not much of a turnout, is it? 414 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,224 A couple of chaps over there. 415 00:18:07,225 --> 00:18:09,584 - What does their sign say? - Oh, yes, they're not with us. 416 00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:12,144 Disappointed by their protest's lack of impact... 417 00:18:12,145 --> 00:18:13,625 Bruv, the sign ain't even working. 418 00:18:15,945 --> 00:18:17,864 Baggage handler Sujan Stevens 419 00:18:17,865 --> 00:18:20,265 quickly improvises an alternative solution. 420 00:18:21,825 --> 00:18:24,024 - What are you doing? - Semaphore. 421 00:18:24,025 --> 00:18:25,384 What's the semaphore? 422 00:18:25,385 --> 00:18:26,984 Is that chap doing semaphore? 423 00:18:26,985 --> 00:18:29,024 - Erm... - I did a bit of semaphore. 424 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,064 - Did you, sir? - Yes, at school. 425 00:18:31,065 --> 00:18:32,105 What's he saying? 426 00:18:33,105 --> 00:18:34,345 C. 427 00:18:35,665 --> 00:18:37,624 U. 428 00:18:37,625 --> 00:18:39,104 N. 429 00:18:39,105 --> 00:18:41,104 Look at that...eagle. 430 00:18:41,105 --> 00:18:44,384 As the protest escalates outside, back at passport control, 431 00:18:44,385 --> 00:18:47,264 PC Hassler continues to demonstrate his expertise. 432 00:18:47,265 --> 00:18:49,224 There's the bullet. There's the bullets. 433 00:18:49,225 --> 00:18:50,705 - Oh, my God. - Give me it back! 434 00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:56,944 - Good... - Thanks, yes. 435 00:18:56,945 --> 00:18:59,224 Off you go. Careful with that. 436 00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:00,945 Yeah. 437 00:19:02,865 --> 00:19:04,704 - OK, dude. - See you later. 438 00:19:04,705 --> 00:19:06,504 - Bye. - See you. 439 00:19:06,505 --> 00:19:08,864 Do you want to take my fingerprints? 440 00:19:08,865 --> 00:19:12,664 Later, as some of the team gather for the grand opening, the Baron, 441 00:19:12,665 --> 00:19:16,664 suitably jacketed, gives a short speech to an appreciative crowd. 442 00:19:16,665 --> 00:19:19,945 I'll be honest with you, before today I'd never heard of... 443 00:19:21,665 --> 00:19:23,145 ...Northend Airport. 444 00:19:24,665 --> 00:19:26,264 Not your fault, though. 445 00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,265 I couldn't possibly pin that on you lot. 446 00:19:30,105 --> 00:19:32,144 And I do like duty-free, although, 447 00:19:32,145 --> 00:19:34,505 of course, I never pay tax on anything. 448 00:19:37,505 --> 00:19:39,184 Yes. 449 00:19:39,185 --> 00:19:43,385 So, without further ado, I declare Northside Airport... 450 00:19:44,825 --> 00:19:46,540 - ...open. - To Proctor's relief, 451 00:19:46,541 --> 00:19:47,784 it's gone without a hitch. 452 00:19:47,785 --> 00:19:49,424 (DOG BARKS) 453 00:19:49,425 --> 00:19:51,064 Until Snowflake the sniffer dog 454 00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:53,064 shows just how professional she can be. 455 00:19:53,065 --> 00:19:54,944 (DOG GROWLS) 456 00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:57,344 Sorry about your jacket, there, Tariq. 457 00:19:57,345 --> 00:19:58,864 No, it's not my jacket. 458 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,505 Yeah, that's your jacket. 459 00:20:02,305 --> 00:20:03,664 Shit. 460 00:20:03,665 --> 00:20:05,385 Get it off me! Someone! 461 00:20:06,545 --> 00:20:08,504 Oh, my. 462 00:20:08,505 --> 00:20:11,504 While Snowflake may have things covered at the presentation, 463 00:20:11,505 --> 00:20:14,584 behind the scenes, there's a major security issue. 464 00:20:14,585 --> 00:20:17,624 Luckily, Northend's finest, PC Hassler, is on the case. 465 00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:20,144 Andy, Andy, I can't find my gun! Where's my gun? Do you have my gun? 466 00:20:20,145 --> 00:20:22,141 - No, no, I don't have it. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 467 00:20:22,142 --> 00:20:22,784 They're going to kill me. 468 00:20:22,785 --> 00:20:25,357 - I think they're allowed to kill me. - No, they're not allowed. Where were you? 469 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:26,264 I was with you. 470 00:20:26,265 --> 00:20:28,222 - We were spinning the gun. - I stood on the gun. 471 00:20:28,223 --> 00:20:28,904 Yeah, we juggled the gun. 472 00:20:28,905 --> 00:20:29,875 I put the gun in my mouth, 473 00:20:29,876 --> 00:20:30,995 - put the gun in your mouth... - Yeah. 474 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:31,824 And went to the toilet. 475 00:20:31,825 --> 00:20:33,145 - Yes, OK. - And I took down my trousers 476 00:20:33,146 --> 00:20:34,944 and my pants and poo was coming out of my bum. 477 00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:36,583 No, no, no, that's irrelevant. It's in the toilet. 478 00:20:36,584 --> 00:20:38,464 It's in the toilet, it's in the toilet! 479 00:20:38,465 --> 00:20:41,064 Even though the opening ceremony was something of a disaster, 480 00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:44,144 Proctor remains convinced that from now on, things will improve. 481 00:20:44,145 --> 00:20:45,384 I want that dog put down. 482 00:20:45,385 --> 00:20:46,584 (SCREAM) 483 00:20:46,585 --> 00:20:48,305 Everybody get down! 484 00:20:49,945 --> 00:20:51,864 TANNOY: Your safety is our priority. 485 00:20:51,865 --> 00:20:53,184 She was wrong. 486 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,465 Hi. 487 00:20:56,705 --> 00:21:00,504 Can I have the gun, please? 488 00:21:00,505 --> 00:21:01,545 No. 489 00:21:04,745 --> 00:21:06,384 I'll give you... 490 00:21:06,385 --> 00:21:08,064 ...half of these sweets. 491 00:21:08,065 --> 00:21:10,665 - PROCTOR: Give her all of them! - Fine! I'll give her all of them. 492 00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,585 I'll give you all of these sweets. 493 00:21:18,785 --> 00:21:20,785 Oh, I should have got the gun first. 494 00:21:22,465 --> 00:21:23,624 How did it go? 495 00:21:23,625 --> 00:21:25,584 We had to lie there for about an hour and a half 496 00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:27,144 before the real police arrived. 497 00:21:27,145 --> 00:21:28,904 Still, no harm done, eh? 498 00:21:28,905 --> 00:21:31,264 Apart from having to shut the terminal for three hours 499 00:21:31,265 --> 00:21:32,824 Apart from having to shut the and re-route both incoming flights. 500 00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:35,225 Sometimes, I think trying to be positive is just... 501 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,784 ...bullshit. 502 00:21:37,785 --> 00:21:41,024 It took me ages to persuade the baron not to press charges, 503 00:21:41,025 --> 00:21:42,384 cos he's such a twat. 504 00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,664 This has been the shittest day. 505 00:21:44,665 --> 00:21:47,384 I mean, who gives a shit about barons? 506 00:21:47,385 --> 00:21:49,224 I mean, I'm barren. 507 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,225 I don't get asked to open airports. 508 00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:53,510 Subtitles by explosiveskull 509 00:21:53,785 --> 00:21:55,344 ? No doubt about it ? 510 00:21:55,345 --> 00:21:57,105 ? I'm on my way ? 511 00:21:58,345 --> 00:22:00,264 ? Taking over ? 512 00:22:00,265 --> 00:22:02,264 ? I'm here to sta-ay ? 513 00:22:02,265 --> 00:22:03,944 ? We're teaming together ? 514 00:22:03,945 --> 00:22:06,224 ? That's what I sa-ay ? 515 00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:08,424 ? One way to do this ? 516 00:22:08,425 --> 00:22:10,425 ? Taking over today ? 517 00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,105 ? We're taking over ? 518 00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:19,282 ? We're taking over today. ? 519 00:22:19,332 --> 00:22:23,882 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38857

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