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1
00:00:01,445 --> 00:00:06,008
This is absolutely unbeleivable,
Twice in the past week.
2
00:00:06,408 --> 00:00:08,693
I will be on the phone to your superior.
3
00:00:10,185 --> 00:00:15,544
I am Chief Inspector and I will
be on the phone to your superior.
4
00:00:15,545 --> 00:00:18,625
It's just simply not
acceptable, do you understand?
5
00:00:19,732 --> 00:00:20,732
Yes.
6
00:00:21,850 --> 00:00:24,944
Hang on. Did you want
stuffed crust, or just...?
7
00:00:24,945 --> 00:00:26,464
Yes, stuffed crust please.
8
00:00:26,465 --> 00:00:28,344
? No doubt about it ?
9
00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:29,945
? I'm on my way ?
10
00:00:31,127 --> 00:00:32,664
? Take it over ?
11
00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:35,024
? I'm here to sta-ay ?
12
00:00:35,025 --> 00:00:37,257
? We're teaming together ?
13
00:00:37,258 --> 00:00:39,624
? That's what I sa-ay ?
14
00:00:39,625 --> 00:00:41,624
? One way to do this ?
15
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,025
? Taking over today ?
16
00:00:45,395 --> 00:00:47,235
? We're taking over ?
17
00:00:49,724 --> 00:00:52,156
? We're taking over today. ?
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00:00:52,157 --> 00:00:54,441
Subtitles by explosiveskull
19
00:00:54,768 --> 00:00:56,784
This is Northend airport,
20
00:00:56,785 --> 00:00:59,424
the most successful airport in Northend.
21
00:00:59,425 --> 00:01:00,544
Hello!
22
00:01:00,545 --> 00:01:01,496
(SHE LAUGHS)
23
00:01:01,497 --> 00:01:03,291
Back again to bother us?
24
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,584
Sorry.
25
00:01:05,585 --> 00:01:07,464
Just act natural.
26
00:01:07,465 --> 00:01:10,544
Here, the men and women on the
front line of the UK's borders
27
00:01:10,545 --> 00:01:13,944
have granted us behind-the-scenes
access like never before.
28
00:01:13,945 --> 00:01:15,225
Apart from last year.
29
00:01:20,425 --> 00:01:23,624
It's Monday morning and Chief
Inspector Linda Proctor is
30
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,504
determined to start the
week as she means to go on...
31
00:01:26,505 --> 00:01:28,864
with an upbeat and positive outlook.
32
00:01:28,865 --> 00:01:31,984
Good morning everyone, good morning.
33
00:01:31,985 --> 00:01:34,424
Now, I have been concerned in the past
34
00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:37,344
that team meetings tend
to focus on the negative.
35
00:01:37,345 --> 00:01:39,144
So, from now on,
36
00:01:39,145 --> 00:01:40,744
positivity.
37
00:01:40,745 --> 00:01:42,704
Have you been on another training course?
38
00:01:42,705 --> 00:01:44,264
Instant negativity.
39
00:01:44,265 --> 00:01:47,104
No, I haven't, actually.
This is my own initiative.
40
00:01:47,105 --> 00:01:50,744
It was actually a
management training course.
41
00:01:50,745 --> 00:01:52,344
"Yes, we can,
42
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:56,224
"fostering hope and positivity
in management methodology.
43
00:01:56,225 --> 00:01:58,544
I actually...I got a lot out of it.
44
00:01:58,545 --> 00:02:02,384
We played truth or dare,
that was an eye-opener.
45
00:02:02,385 --> 00:02:04,704
Do you know what bukkake is?
46
00:02:04,705 --> 00:02:07,424
I have some very positive news.
47
00:02:07,425 --> 00:02:10,104
To celebrate the opening
of the new terminal,
48
00:02:10,105 --> 00:02:13,545
we are having a royal visit.
49
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,984
- The Queen?
- (LAUGHTER)
50
00:02:16,985 --> 00:02:18,784
Why is that funny? That would be insane.
51
00:02:18,785 --> 00:02:20,144
No, no, it's not the Queen.
52
00:02:20,145 --> 00:02:21,704
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
53
00:02:21,705 --> 00:02:23,544
- We don't know.
- Eugenie?
54
00:02:23,545 --> 00:02:26,064
Look, please stop trying to
guess, we don't actually know.
55
00:02:26,065 --> 00:02:28,224
- Could be Sophie.
- No, it's not... Look, we don't know.
56
00:02:28,225 --> 00:02:29,864
You wouldn't bow if the Queen...?
57
00:02:29,865 --> 00:02:31,584
Look, it's not the cocking Queen, OK?!
58
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:32,985
(SILENCE)
59
00:02:36,585 --> 00:02:40,024
Despite the agents' excitement
at the impending royal visit,
60
00:02:40,025 --> 00:02:42,664
not everyone at the airport
shares their enthusiasm.
61
00:02:42,665 --> 00:02:45,104
When I heard, I was like, "What?! No way."
62
00:02:45,105 --> 00:02:46,584
What was I like, Suji?
63
00:02:46,585 --> 00:02:50,265
Er... He was like, "What? No way."
64
00:02:52,185 --> 00:02:55,464
I don't want to have no royals up in
here, you understand what I'm saying, bruv?
65
00:02:55,465 --> 00:02:57,624
- Not on my watch. What'd I say?
- Yeah, not on his watch.
66
00:02:57,625 --> 00:03:00,504
Not on my watch. Bringing
the imperialisms now,
67
00:03:00,505 --> 00:03:04,504
bringing the colonialism now,
into my work space. No thank you.
68
00:03:04,505 --> 00:03:05,904
What did I say?
69
00:03:05,905 --> 00:03:07,625
I can't really remember all of it.
70
00:03:08,785 --> 00:03:11,824
During an usually quiet
period at passport control,
71
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,864
Proctor gets increasingly
nervous about the royal visit
72
00:03:14,865 --> 00:03:17,944
and attempts to stay positive
by any means necessary.
73
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:19,504
Grant.
74
00:03:19,505 --> 00:03:22,264
Don't give those back to me, OK?
75
00:03:22,265 --> 00:03:24,544
- Sugar is a drug.
- OK, understood.
76
00:03:24,545 --> 00:03:27,224
I do not need sugar to be positive.
77
00:03:27,225 --> 00:03:30,224
Honestly, it's so addictive,
it's worse than cocaine.
78
00:03:30,225 --> 00:03:32,784
I've never tried cocaine before, Lin.
79
00:03:32,785 --> 00:03:33,985
Pornography, then.
80
00:03:36,225 --> 00:03:37,904
Oh. Right.
81
00:03:37,905 --> 00:03:40,464
What Proctor doesn't
know is the mystery royal
82
00:03:40,465 --> 00:03:43,064
isn't the only surprise
visit to Northend today.
83
00:03:43,065 --> 00:03:45,904
Ex-border agent Clive
Hassler is also on-site
84
00:03:45,905 --> 00:03:48,384
in his new role as airport police officer.
85
00:03:48,385 --> 00:03:50,944
When I applied to transfer to the airport,
86
00:03:50,945 --> 00:03:53,584
they were really surprised,
87
00:03:53,585 --> 00:03:56,784
cos they said that no-one
ever, ever, ever wants
88
00:03:56,785 --> 00:03:58,624
to come and work at the airport.
89
00:03:58,625 --> 00:04:01,544
I think that's just cos they
maybe have never been to one,
90
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,104
or know what it's like.
91
00:04:03,105 --> 00:04:05,944
The rest of the team are so
far unaware that Clive's working
92
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:09,145
here again, and he's looking forward
to breaking it to them gently.
93
00:04:10,425 --> 00:04:11,053
Do you know...
94
00:04:11,054 --> 00:04:13,144
- Get on the fucking ground!
- Ah!
95
00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:14,944
- Oh, my.
- Jesus Christ!
96
00:04:14,945 --> 00:04:16,544
(CLIVE LAUGHS)
97
00:04:16,545 --> 00:04:18,544
You scared the living daylight out of me.
98
00:04:18,545 --> 00:04:21,384
- Clive! What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
99
00:04:21,385 --> 00:04:24,664
- Hey, Grant.
- Clive. Good to see you.
100
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:27,305
Hey, guys. Who?
101
00:04:29,065 --> 00:04:30,904
- Oh, new sound guy.
- Clive.
102
00:04:30,905 --> 00:04:33,185
- So, why are you here?
- Oh...
103
00:04:35,545 --> 00:04:37,824
I'm the new airport policeman.
104
00:04:37,825 --> 00:04:40,464
I'm going to be stationed at the terminal.
105
00:04:40,465 --> 00:04:41,704
- Really?
- Yeah.
106
00:04:41,705 --> 00:04:46,304
So you're the first line of defence
between us and a terrorist attack?
107
00:04:46,305 --> 00:04:48,585
Yeah, well, me and big Malcolm.
108
00:04:49,825 --> 00:04:52,184
- Who's big Malcolm?
- Oh, it's my partner,
109
00:04:52,185 --> 00:04:55,184
I'm just getting his lunch for him.
110
00:04:55,185 --> 00:04:56,225
You enjoying yourself?
111
00:04:57,265 --> 00:04:59,984
- Yep, yeah.
- Life's big dream, eh?
112
00:04:59,985 --> 00:05:02,344
- Yeah, it's what I wanted.
- Yeah.
113
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:03,784
Can I touch your gun?
114
00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:06,384
No. Go on. No, I'm not
really supposed to...
115
00:05:06,385 --> 00:05:08,089
- Please, let me just have a little...
- No, cos...
116
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:09,424
Just a little touch.
117
00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:12,544
Well, you're not my boss any more.
118
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:13,744
- No, don't...!
- Oh!
119
00:05:13,745 --> 00:05:15,504
...reach for it, because...
120
00:05:15,505 --> 00:05:18,704
- Sorry, I... No, sorry, I just...
- Hey, Clive...
121
00:05:18,705 --> 00:05:20,532
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's OK, I'm still
122
00:05:20,533 --> 00:05:21,544
getting used to it myself.
123
00:05:21,545 --> 00:05:23,944
Hey, do you want to come
and see the other guys?
124
00:05:23,945 --> 00:05:25,424
- They're just in there?
- Yeah.
125
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:27,424
Yeah, go and see them,
they'd love to see you.
126
00:05:27,425 --> 00:05:28,216
You want a sweet?
127
00:05:28,217 --> 00:05:29,144
- I can have these?
- Yeah.
128
00:05:29,145 --> 00:05:31,424
(THEY LAUGH)
129
00:05:31,425 --> 00:05:33,984
Listen, you can touch my gun,
just not in front of the cameras.
130
00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:35,224
Oh, OK, cool.
131
00:05:35,225 --> 00:05:38,144
Back in the office, Agent
Mansoor is still rather amused
132
00:05:38,145 --> 00:05:41,784
that his colleague Agent Church
appears to be a surprise royalist.
133
00:05:41,785 --> 00:05:45,304
I just don't think it's weird to
be excited about meeting the Queen.
134
00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:47,945
But she won't come, because
this is Northend Airport...
135
00:05:48,985 --> 00:05:50,265
...and she's really old.
136
00:05:51,425 --> 00:05:53,145
But mainly cos it's Northend Airport.
137
00:05:54,265 --> 00:05:56,464
FAKE POSH ACCENT: What
is your name, my dear?
138
00:05:56,465 --> 00:05:59,504
Andy, what's happening
here...? Oh, you're the Queen.
139
00:05:59,505 --> 00:06:02,544
- Your Majesty.
- Your Majesty, sorry, my...my fault.
140
00:06:02,545 --> 00:06:06,024
You keeping our borders
safe, protecting my money?
141
00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:08,704
No, not my job, but I will
keep your borders safe.
142
00:06:08,705 --> 00:06:13,104
So tiring, you know, millions
just falling from my pockets.
143
00:06:13,105 --> 00:06:16,144
You should get a better
accountant if that is happening.
144
00:06:16,145 --> 00:06:18,704
I'm a good, good monarch.
145
00:06:18,705 --> 00:06:20,104
Yeah.
146
00:06:20,105 --> 00:06:21,225
Oh, God.
147
00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:24,264
What'd you do last night?
148
00:06:24,265 --> 00:06:25,664
Couple of beers,
149
00:06:25,665 --> 00:06:28,465
and then I did this vape
THC oil, which was...
150
00:06:29,945 --> 00:06:31,064
(HE LAUGHS)
151
00:06:31,065 --> 00:06:34,064
- No, you didn't.
- No, it's marijuana oil.
152
00:06:34,065 --> 00:06:36,344
It's vaping, it's not smoking, so...
153
00:06:36,345 --> 00:06:39,545
Yeah, but you didn't do that
either, because that's still illegal.
154
00:06:46,785 --> 00:06:48,345
Oh, yeah.
155
00:06:49,705 --> 00:06:53,384
So that's the Queen's night,
and what did you do, Tariq?
156
00:06:53,385 --> 00:06:55,425
I just had a couple of pints and went home.
157
00:06:57,385 --> 00:06:59,424
Oh, that's just a game that we play.
158
00:06:59,425 --> 00:07:02,785
Yeah, he comes in every day and
pretends to be a different...
159
00:07:04,305 --> 00:07:06,784
...monarch doing a different illegal thing.
160
00:07:06,785 --> 00:07:09,785
So, yesterday it was Prince Charles...
161
00:07:12,625 --> 00:07:13,665
...speeding.
162
00:07:15,065 --> 00:07:18,504
After his successful impression of
the Queen smoking something illegal,
163
00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:21,504
Agent Mansoor, who just had a
couple of pints and went home,
164
00:07:21,505 --> 00:07:23,824
seems to be inexplicably nervous.
165
00:07:23,825 --> 00:07:26,904
Luckily, he's about to
receive a welcome distraction.
166
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,025
Hey, guys.
167
00:07:29,145 --> 00:07:30,584
A bit of a surprise...
168
00:07:30,585 --> 00:07:32,784
It's me, it's me, I'm
the surprise! Surprise!
169
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:34,424
Oh! Hey!
170
00:07:34,425 --> 00:07:36,064
It's me, I'm the surprise.
171
00:07:36,065 --> 00:07:38,025
- How are you, man? Good to see you.
- Hey, Tariq.
172
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,304
Hey, Clive. Hey, Andy.
173
00:07:41,305 --> 00:07:44,464
How are you doing? I'm going
to be working in the terminal.
174
00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,624
What, this one? Yeah. What, really?
175
00:07:46,625 --> 00:07:48,442
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- That's great.
176
00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:49,144
So strong now.
177
00:07:49,145 --> 00:07:51,744
Do you know what I mean? Coming
out of the T-shirt, there.
178
00:07:51,745 --> 00:07:53,544
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just the one.
179
00:07:53,545 --> 00:07:55,544
No, I got both.
180
00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:57,664
- Oh, OK.
- Yeah. Good to see you guys.
181
00:07:57,665 --> 00:08:00,385
We've actually got to
get to a briefing, but...
182
00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:03,264
Yeah, good to see you.
183
00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:04,664
I've got plenty of stuff to do, so.
184
00:08:04,665 --> 00:08:06,384
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
185
00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:07,905
- See you later, man.
- Bye.
186
00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:13,865
The only problem is that the
trousers are very tight, and...
187
00:08:15,985 --> 00:08:18,945
...I want to be imposing to criminals...
188
00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:23,065
...for the right reasons.
189
00:08:26,225 --> 00:08:28,664
Oh, Clive, you're still here.
190
00:08:28,665 --> 00:08:31,984
Oh, yeah, I was just coming
to check on you guys and...
191
00:08:31,985 --> 00:08:33,784
...make sure this area's safe.
192
00:08:33,785 --> 00:08:35,944
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No crimes.
193
00:08:35,945 --> 00:08:38,504
- Sugar?
- Oh, you've made a spare.
194
00:08:38,505 --> 00:08:39,704
(RADIO BUZZES)
195
00:08:39,705 --> 00:08:43,025
Oh, that'll be my partner, big Malcolm.
196
00:08:44,545 --> 00:08:46,704
PC Clive Hassler, over.
197
00:08:46,705 --> 00:08:49,064
Where the fuck are you, you little cunt?
198
00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:51,424
I told you to get your
fucking arse back here already,
199
00:08:51,425 --> 00:08:54,825
you fucking toerag. Now get
your fucking arse over here now.
200
00:08:56,785 --> 00:08:57,905
Over.
201
00:09:02,105 --> 00:09:03,384
Message received.
202
00:09:03,385 --> 00:09:04,625
O...Over.
203
00:09:06,025 --> 00:09:10,785
Big Malcolm is called Big
Malcolm because he's so big...
204
00:09:11,865 --> 00:09:15,184
...that it helps to identify him,
205
00:09:15,185 --> 00:09:17,065
aside from other Malcolms.
206
00:09:18,105 --> 00:09:20,104
"Which...which Malcolm
are you talking about?"
207
00:09:20,105 --> 00:09:21,544
"Big Malcolm."
208
00:09:21,545 --> 00:09:23,385
"The big one?" "Exactly."
209
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,585
He's so big.
210
00:09:28,265 --> 00:09:30,424
- Yeah.
- You need to...
211
00:09:30,425 --> 00:09:32,624
As PC Hassler rushes off to get lunch
212
00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:35,224
for the only Malcolm in
the Northend Police Service,
213
00:09:35,225 --> 00:09:37,664
Proctor has an update on the royal visit.
214
00:09:37,665 --> 00:09:39,104
We have our answer.
215
00:09:39,105 --> 00:09:43,344
The new terminal at Northend
Airport will be opened by
216
00:09:43,345 --> 00:09:45,104
the Earl of Sandwich.
217
00:09:45,105 --> 00:09:46,384
(THEY LAUGH)
218
00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:48,384
Yeah, funny name, let's get it all out now.
219
00:09:48,385 --> 00:09:51,104
Oh, yeah, no, he's
actually my favourite royal.
220
00:09:51,105 --> 00:09:54,624
- Just behind the Italian Baron Panini.
- Strong. Very good.
221
00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:57,784
Holding out for that French
guy, the Dauphin de Baguette.
222
00:09:57,785 --> 00:10:00,104
Yeah. That's a good one.
223
00:10:00,105 --> 00:10:02,504
Or there's the Russian count...
224
00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:05,144
Oh, God, what's Russian for savage?
225
00:10:05,145 --> 00:10:06,465
Ah, fuck 'em.
226
00:10:11,905 --> 00:10:13,305
So funny...
227
00:10:14,785 --> 00:10:16,344
Bagel.
228
00:10:16,345 --> 00:10:18,224
- Ah.
- Yeah.
229
00:10:18,225 --> 00:10:19,624
Yeah.
230
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,145
It's Count von Bagel.
231
00:10:23,305 --> 00:10:25,664
Having attended to Big Malcolm's lunch,
232
00:10:25,665 --> 00:10:28,264
PC Hassler has time for some routine checks
233
00:10:28,265 --> 00:10:30,384
and catching up with old friends.
234
00:10:30,385 --> 00:10:30,970
Feels good.
235
00:10:30,971 --> 00:10:32,944
- Feels safe, as well.
- Yeah, it feels safe.
236
00:10:32,945 --> 00:10:34,824
- It feels...
- Can I press that, or...?
237
00:10:34,825 --> 00:10:37,224
That's just for police business.
238
00:10:37,225 --> 00:10:38,904
Yeah, course, yeah, yeah.
239
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:41,664
Because you never mess with
the emergency services, innit?
240
00:10:41,665 --> 00:10:43,544
My mum taught me that.
241
00:10:43,545 --> 00:10:45,664
There's a camera. Camera, camera.
242
00:10:45,665 --> 00:10:47,665
Oh, fuck the police!
243
00:10:48,905 --> 00:10:51,424
Don't talk to me! I don't
want to talk to you, officer.
244
00:10:51,425 --> 00:10:53,464
It's Clive, though,
innit? So I don't know...
245
00:10:53,465 --> 00:10:56,264
That's what you want to do, put me
and my people behind bars, innit,
246
00:10:56,265 --> 00:10:59,424
officer? That's what you
want to do, policeman.
247
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:01,305
Erm... See you later, then.
248
00:11:02,465 --> 00:11:05,064
I don't want to talk to you, policeman.
249
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,465
I'll see you at lunch.
250
00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:10,425
Oh, he's gone.
251
00:11:13,025 --> 00:11:15,424
- How long was the camera on for?
- Not long, we're all right.
252
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,104
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
253
00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:19,065
? We're taking over today. ?
254
00:11:19,148 --> 00:11:21,312
? We're taking over today. ?
255
00:11:21,785 --> 00:11:23,024
Linda,
256
00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:26,379
if you died, right, who would be in charge?
257
00:11:27,830 --> 00:11:31,264
OK, well, you're the
next down in seniority,
258
00:11:31,265 --> 00:11:33,664
so it would be you, in the interim.
259
00:11:33,665 --> 00:11:34,985
Yeah.
260
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,331
Yep.
261
00:11:42,825 --> 00:11:44,544
I'm a bit nervous now.
262
00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:46,184
Don't be nervous, it's fine.
263
00:11:46,185 --> 00:11:47,665
I'm going to make a cup of tea.
264
00:11:50,065 --> 00:11:52,344
It's a special day at Northend Airport,
265
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,704
as the new terminal is
to be officially opened
266
00:11:54,705 --> 00:11:57,544
by mid-table nobleman
the Earl of Sandwich.
267
00:11:57,545 --> 00:12:00,984
Agent Brodie wants to make
sure he's fully prepared.
268
00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:04,344
The Earl's seat is Haverford House,
269
00:12:04,345 --> 00:12:07,584
and he was educated at Balliol.
270
00:12:07,585 --> 00:12:10,904
I expect him to be a debonair man.
271
00:12:10,905 --> 00:12:12,424
Yeah, very polite,
272
00:12:12,425 --> 00:12:14,104
and chivalrous, maybe,
273
00:12:14,105 --> 00:12:17,265
would be what the Earl of Sandwich...
274
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,704
...means to me.
275
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:22,504
How is your seat? Haverford House.
276
00:12:22,505 --> 00:12:24,984
Haverford House, isn't it?
277
00:12:24,985 --> 00:12:26,704
What, Balliol? Oh, well...
278
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:30,704
Educated myself at
Galashiels Business College.
279
00:12:30,705 --> 00:12:34,784
However, not everyone in the airport
is enthused by the special occasion.
280
00:12:34,785 --> 00:12:37,864
Baggage handlers Mo and Suj have
attained Proctor's permission
281
00:12:37,865 --> 00:12:39,904
to officially protest the visit.
282
00:12:39,905 --> 00:12:42,104
Yeah, it's nice, but he's not a count.
283
00:12:42,105 --> 00:12:43,744
He's an Earl, so...
284
00:12:43,745 --> 00:12:46,864
But what is even the difference
between a count and an earl anyway?
285
00:12:46,865 --> 00:12:48,584
I think, like, one of their mums, like,
286
00:12:48,585 --> 00:12:50,064
slept with a king, or something.
287
00:12:50,065 --> 00:12:52,424
- Historical ho, I like that.
- Prima nocta.
288
00:12:52,425 --> 00:12:54,984
Just cross that out. Just
cross that one out, there.
289
00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:57,904
- What, that one, yeah?
- Yeah, just cross it out, it'll be fine.
290
00:12:57,905 --> 00:13:01,064
Oh, I like your style, Suj.
291
00:13:01,065 --> 00:13:03,024
Look. That's just like a generic cuss word
292
00:13:03,025 --> 00:13:04,865
- in work here, anyway.
- Easy.
293
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:08,824
With the impending arrival
of such an important guest,
294
00:13:08,825 --> 00:13:11,264
security measures have been stepped up.
295
00:13:11,265 --> 00:13:15,784
Not only is there an elite police
presence in the form of PC Hassler,
296
00:13:15,785 --> 00:13:18,985
but a new, highly-trained
specialist addition to the team.
297
00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:22,184
Oh, hello, lovely!
298
00:13:22,185 --> 00:13:24,344
You beautiful lady.
299
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,984
- Oh...
- Oh.
300
00:13:26,985 --> 00:13:28,384
Isn't she lovely?
301
00:13:28,385 --> 00:13:30,024
She's our new sniffer dog.
302
00:13:30,025 --> 00:13:32,384
- Hey, who is this? Who's this guy?
- This is Tariq.
303
00:13:32,385 --> 00:13:33,704
(DOG BARKS)
304
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,704
Hey, you OK? You all right? OK?
305
00:13:35,705 --> 00:13:37,144
Um...
306
00:13:37,145 --> 00:13:40,784
- What's his problem?
- Is this maybe the Queen's jacket?
307
00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:43,384
What? No. I was wearing
this last night when I...
308
00:13:43,385 --> 00:13:45,384
Oh. It's the Queen's jacket.
309
00:13:45,385 --> 00:13:47,104
Yeah.
310
00:13:47,105 --> 00:13:48,864
- I'll just...
- Yeah, OK.
311
00:13:48,865 --> 00:13:51,744
I don't think the dog was barking
cos of his jacket, you know.
312
00:13:51,745 --> 00:13:53,344
Actually, he could have been...
313
00:13:53,345 --> 00:13:56,705
Cos Tariq, he stores...
314
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,064
...meat in his jackets.
315
00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:02,465
Different meats for different jackets.
316
00:14:04,585 --> 00:14:06,905
Sausages, bomber jacket.
317
00:14:08,385 --> 00:14:11,224
Blazer, pastrami.
318
00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,624
While Andy muses on Tariq's meat,
319
00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:17,024
Proctor fluffs the earl's pelmet
before he comes into the terminal.
320
00:14:17,025 --> 00:14:20,264
Lovely pelmet. It's all coming together.
321
00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:22,105
The power of positive thinking, see.
322
00:14:23,305 --> 00:14:26,344
CHANTING: The earl, the earl,
the earl, can suck his mum.
323
00:14:26,345 --> 00:14:28,704
The earl, the earl, the
earl, can suck his mum.
324
00:14:28,705 --> 00:14:30,424
No, no, no! I can't have that here.
325
00:14:30,425 --> 00:14:32,624
I thought you said we
had a right to protest.
326
00:14:32,625 --> 00:14:35,424
Yes, you do, but over there,
please, by the fence, thank you.
327
00:14:35,425 --> 00:14:36,965
- What?
- That's far, bruv. It's like
328
00:14:36,966 --> 00:14:37,904
living where in this joint?
329
00:14:37,905 --> 00:14:38,902
- It's like North Korea.
- Yeah.
330
00:14:38,903 --> 00:14:40,264
- Understand me?
- Yeah.
331
00:14:40,265 --> 00:14:42,890
Listen, we'll see you in the
European Court of Human Rights,
332
00:14:42,891 --> 00:14:43,664
then, innit, Proctor?
333
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:46,105
Yeah, I don't think so.
Brexit. We left, remember?
334
00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:49,185
I told you not to vote out.
335
00:14:51,705 --> 00:14:52,945
Proctor.
336
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:56,664
What?
337
00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:58,625
But we've done the plaque.
338
00:14:59,745 --> 00:15:00,905
Oh...
339
00:15:02,185 --> 00:15:04,624
You have literally just
put sand in my vagina.
340
00:15:04,625 --> 00:15:05,944
Not literally.
341
00:15:05,945 --> 00:15:08,064
Yeah, well, I don't have much choice, do I?
342
00:15:08,065 --> 00:15:10,785
OK, thanks for that. Yeah,
brilliant. Cheers, bye.
343
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,744
So, it turned out the Earl
of Sandwich is indisposed,
344
00:15:15,745 --> 00:15:17,224
so they're sending us a baron.
345
00:15:17,225 --> 00:15:18,584
(SHE SCOFFS)
346
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,424
Is a baron even royal?
347
00:15:20,425 --> 00:15:22,784
Might as well send us Pippa Middleton.
348
00:15:22,785 --> 00:15:24,705
At least everyone could stare at her arse.
349
00:15:25,785 --> 00:15:29,624
As Proctor awaits the arrival of the
incorrectly-plaqued Baron Latimer,
350
00:15:29,625 --> 00:15:33,304
yet another rare quiet moment at
passport control gives PC Hassler
351
00:15:33,305 --> 00:15:35,064
a chance to show his old friends
352
00:15:35,065 --> 00:15:37,864
some of his newly-acquired
enforcement skills.
353
00:15:37,865 --> 00:15:39,544
And then by the time I've got you there...
354
00:15:39,545 --> 00:15:41,224
- Can you move?
- No, I can't, I can't.
355
00:15:41,225 --> 00:15:42,317
- Really?
- I can't move.
356
00:15:42,318 --> 00:15:44,104
And from there, then
I put the handcuffs on,
357
00:15:44,105 --> 00:15:47,264
but I can't find my keys, so I don't
want to put it on you right now.
358
00:15:47,265 --> 00:15:49,624
- And then that will be it.
- Wow.
359
00:15:49,625 --> 00:15:51,464
- That's really cool, man.
- Great.
360
00:15:51,465 --> 00:15:54,384
- You must love it.
- Do you want to see my gun?
361
00:15:54,385 --> 00:15:56,144
- Erm, yeah.
- Yeah.
362
00:15:56,145 --> 00:15:57,498
Cos I'm a airport policeman,
363
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,744
- so I get to have a gun.
- OK.
364
00:15:58,745 --> 00:16:00,864
- Wow.
- It's kind of weird at first,
365
00:16:00,865 --> 00:16:04,064
but then it just becomes like an
extension of your arm, really, you know?
366
00:16:04,065 --> 00:16:06,384
- And you can, like...
- Oh, wow.
367
00:16:06,385 --> 00:16:08,024
- Dude, that's...
- Is that safe?
368
00:16:08,025 --> 00:16:10,305
- No, yeah, that should be on.
- Ah.
369
00:16:11,425 --> 00:16:14,704
When I was training to use the gun,
370
00:16:14,705 --> 00:16:17,544
they said that you have to
just sort of empty your mind,
371
00:16:17,545 --> 00:16:20,905
so I just sort of look at the
target and then become calm.
372
00:16:26,065 --> 00:16:27,305
Bang!
373
00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:30,384
Can I just hold it?
374
00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:31,505
Erm...
375
00:16:32,865 --> 00:16:34,464
- Come round the corner.
- Yeah?
376
00:16:34,465 --> 00:16:36,624
- Can I come?
- Yeah.
377
00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:38,905
Erm, we're just to the toilet.
378
00:16:40,705 --> 00:16:43,024
- Oh, my God, it's so heavy.
- Yeah, put it in your mouth.
379
00:16:43,025 --> 00:16:47,265
Meanwhile, outside, the baron arrives
to a warm welcome from the staff.
380
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:52,944
(HE MUTTERS)
381
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,584
Fully prepped and ready for action,
382
00:16:54,585 --> 00:16:57,744
Agent Brodie provides a slick
and professional greeting.
383
00:16:57,745 --> 00:16:59,104
He's stopped there, so...
384
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:00,905
Is he getting out?
385
00:17:02,225 --> 00:17:03,424
Are you the valet?
386
00:17:03,425 --> 00:17:05,864
Eh, no... Oh, right in my balls.
387
00:17:05,865 --> 00:17:07,264
After a shaky start,
388
00:17:07,265 --> 00:17:10,504
Agent Brodie regroups with
a sure-fire icebreaker.
389
00:17:10,505 --> 00:17:13,584
So, how are the repairs
going at Haverford House?
390
00:17:13,585 --> 00:17:16,744
The restoration of your country seat?
391
00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:18,344
Who the arse do you think I am?
392
00:17:18,345 --> 00:17:20,464
- You're the Earl of Sandwich.
- No, no, no, no.
393
00:17:20,465 --> 00:17:22,504
I'm not the Earl of Sandwich.
394
00:17:22,505 --> 00:17:25,024
Erm, lady, Linda, this is
not the Earl of Sandwich.
395
00:17:25,025 --> 00:17:27,664
Chief Inspector Linda Proctor,
Baron, delighted to meet you.
396
00:17:27,665 --> 00:17:29,184
- Baron of Sandwich.
- Right.
397
00:17:29,185 --> 00:17:31,704
So, your job must have got a lot easier.
398
00:17:31,705 --> 00:17:33,784
- In what way, sir?
- Brexit!
399
00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:35,824
Stop the hordes pouring in.
400
00:17:35,825 --> 00:17:38,184
Well, I'm not really sure "hordes" is...
401
00:17:38,185 --> 00:17:39,544
I mean, the odd Pole, fair enough.
402
00:17:39,545 --> 00:17:42,024
Had one rebuild my perimeter
wall, but not all these others.
403
00:17:42,025 --> 00:17:44,304
The Bulgarians, Romanians, Kosovans.
404
00:17:44,305 --> 00:17:46,504
Now, what is your position
regarding the Muslims?
405
00:17:46,505 --> 00:17:47,505
Here we are, sir!
406
00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:51,384
What? Outside? I'm not standing
around in the freezing cold,
407
00:17:51,385 --> 00:17:52,664
I'll catch my death.
408
00:17:52,665 --> 00:17:55,224
Er, Grant, would you get
the baron a jacket, please?
409
00:17:55,225 --> 00:17:57,304
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll get you a jacket.
410
00:17:57,305 --> 00:17:59,024
Very good.
411
00:17:59,025 --> 00:18:00,624
Yeah, something tailored.
412
00:18:00,625 --> 00:18:02,665
Oh, yeah, like 38 long.
413
00:18:03,945 --> 00:18:05,584
Not much of a turnout, is it?
414
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,224
A couple of chaps over there.
415
00:18:07,225 --> 00:18:09,584
- What does their sign say?
- Oh, yes, they're not with us.
416
00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:12,144
Disappointed by their
protest's lack of impact...
417
00:18:12,145 --> 00:18:13,625
Bruv, the sign ain't even working.
418
00:18:15,945 --> 00:18:17,864
Baggage handler Sujan Stevens
419
00:18:17,865 --> 00:18:20,265
quickly improvises an alternative solution.
420
00:18:21,825 --> 00:18:24,024
- What are you doing?
- Semaphore.
421
00:18:24,025 --> 00:18:25,384
What's the semaphore?
422
00:18:25,385 --> 00:18:26,984
Is that chap doing semaphore?
423
00:18:26,985 --> 00:18:29,024
- Erm...
- I did a bit of semaphore.
424
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,064
- Did you, sir?
- Yes, at school.
425
00:18:31,065 --> 00:18:32,105
What's he saying?
426
00:18:33,105 --> 00:18:34,345
C.
427
00:18:35,665 --> 00:18:37,624
U.
428
00:18:37,625 --> 00:18:39,104
N.
429
00:18:39,105 --> 00:18:41,104
Look at that...eagle.
430
00:18:41,105 --> 00:18:44,384
As the protest escalates
outside, back at passport control,
431
00:18:44,385 --> 00:18:47,264
PC Hassler continues to
demonstrate his expertise.
432
00:18:47,265 --> 00:18:49,224
There's the bullet. There's the bullets.
433
00:18:49,225 --> 00:18:50,705
- Oh, my God.
- Give me it back!
434
00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:56,944
- Good...
- Thanks, yes.
435
00:18:56,945 --> 00:18:59,224
Off you go. Careful with that.
436
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:00,945
Yeah.
437
00:19:02,865 --> 00:19:04,704
- OK, dude.
- See you later.
438
00:19:04,705 --> 00:19:06,504
- Bye.
- See you.
439
00:19:06,505 --> 00:19:08,864
Do you want to take my fingerprints?
440
00:19:08,865 --> 00:19:12,664
Later, as some of the team gather
for the grand opening, the Baron,
441
00:19:12,665 --> 00:19:16,664
suitably jacketed, gives a short
speech to an appreciative crowd.
442
00:19:16,665 --> 00:19:19,945
I'll be honest with you, before
today I'd never heard of...
443
00:19:21,665 --> 00:19:23,145
...Northend Airport.
444
00:19:24,665 --> 00:19:26,264
Not your fault, though.
445
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,265
I couldn't possibly pin that on you lot.
446
00:19:30,105 --> 00:19:32,144
And I do like duty-free, although,
447
00:19:32,145 --> 00:19:34,505
of course, I never pay tax on anything.
448
00:19:37,505 --> 00:19:39,184
Yes.
449
00:19:39,185 --> 00:19:43,385
So, without further ado, I
declare Northside Airport...
450
00:19:44,825 --> 00:19:46,540
- ...open.
- To Proctor's relief,
451
00:19:46,541 --> 00:19:47,784
it's gone without a hitch.
452
00:19:47,785 --> 00:19:49,424
(DOG BARKS)
453
00:19:49,425 --> 00:19:51,064
Until Snowflake the sniffer dog
454
00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:53,064
shows just how professional she can be.
455
00:19:53,065 --> 00:19:54,944
(DOG GROWLS)
456
00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:57,344
Sorry about your jacket, there, Tariq.
457
00:19:57,345 --> 00:19:58,864
No, it's not my jacket.
458
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,505
Yeah, that's your jacket.
459
00:20:02,305 --> 00:20:03,664
Shit.
460
00:20:03,665 --> 00:20:05,385
Get it off me! Someone!
461
00:20:06,545 --> 00:20:08,504
Oh, my.
462
00:20:08,505 --> 00:20:11,504
While Snowflake may have things
covered at the presentation,
463
00:20:11,505 --> 00:20:14,584
behind the scenes, there's
a major security issue.
464
00:20:14,585 --> 00:20:17,624
Luckily, Northend's finest,
PC Hassler, is on the case.
465
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:20,144
Andy, Andy, I can't find my gun!
Where's my gun? Do you have my gun?
466
00:20:20,145 --> 00:20:22,141
- No, no, I don't have it.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
467
00:20:22,142 --> 00:20:22,784
They're going to kill me.
468
00:20:22,785 --> 00:20:25,357
- I think they're allowed to kill me.
- No, they're not allowed. Where were you?
469
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:26,264
I was with you.
470
00:20:26,265 --> 00:20:28,222
- We were spinning the gun.
- I stood on the gun.
471
00:20:28,223 --> 00:20:28,904
Yeah, we juggled the gun.
472
00:20:28,905 --> 00:20:29,875
I put the gun in my mouth,
473
00:20:29,876 --> 00:20:30,995
- put the gun in your mouth...
- Yeah.
474
00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:31,824
And went to the toilet.
475
00:20:31,825 --> 00:20:33,145
- Yes, OK.
- And I took down my trousers
476
00:20:33,146 --> 00:20:34,944
and my pants and poo
was coming out of my bum.
477
00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:36,583
No, no, no, that's
irrelevant. It's in the toilet.
478
00:20:36,584 --> 00:20:38,464
It's in the toilet, it's in the toilet!
479
00:20:38,465 --> 00:20:41,064
Even though the opening ceremony
was something of a disaster,
480
00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:44,144
Proctor remains convinced that
from now on, things will improve.
481
00:20:44,145 --> 00:20:45,384
I want that dog put down.
482
00:20:45,385 --> 00:20:46,584
(SCREAM)
483
00:20:46,585 --> 00:20:48,305
Everybody get down!
484
00:20:49,945 --> 00:20:51,864
TANNOY: Your safety is our priority.
485
00:20:51,865 --> 00:20:53,184
She was wrong.
486
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,465
Hi.
487
00:20:56,705 --> 00:21:00,504
Can I have the gun, please?
488
00:21:00,505 --> 00:21:01,545
No.
489
00:21:04,745 --> 00:21:06,384
I'll give you...
490
00:21:06,385 --> 00:21:08,064
...half of these sweets.
491
00:21:08,065 --> 00:21:10,665
- PROCTOR: Give her all of them!
- Fine! I'll give her all of them.
492
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,585
I'll give you all of these sweets.
493
00:21:18,785 --> 00:21:20,785
Oh, I should have got the gun first.
494
00:21:22,465 --> 00:21:23,624
How did it go?
495
00:21:23,625 --> 00:21:25,584
We had to lie there for
about an hour and a half
496
00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:27,144
before the real police arrived.
497
00:21:27,145 --> 00:21:28,904
Still, no harm done, eh?
498
00:21:28,905 --> 00:21:31,264
Apart from having to shut
the terminal for three hours
499
00:21:31,265 --> 00:21:32,824
Apart from having to shut the and
re-route both incoming flights.
500
00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:35,225
Sometimes, I think trying
to be positive is just...
501
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,784
...bullshit.
502
00:21:37,785 --> 00:21:41,024
It took me ages to persuade
the baron not to press charges,
503
00:21:41,025 --> 00:21:42,384
cos he's such a twat.
504
00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,664
This has been the shittest day.
505
00:21:44,665 --> 00:21:47,384
I mean, who gives a shit about barons?
506
00:21:47,385 --> 00:21:49,224
I mean, I'm barren.
507
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,225
I don't get asked to open airports.
508
00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:53,510
Subtitles by explosiveskull
509
00:21:53,785 --> 00:21:55,344
? No doubt about it ?
510
00:21:55,345 --> 00:21:57,105
? I'm on my way ?
511
00:21:58,345 --> 00:22:00,264
? Taking over ?
512
00:22:00,265 --> 00:22:02,264
? I'm here to sta-ay ?
513
00:22:02,265 --> 00:22:03,944
? We're teaming together ?
514
00:22:03,945 --> 00:22:06,224
? That's what I sa-ay ?
515
00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:08,424
? One way to do this ?
516
00:22:08,425 --> 00:22:10,425
? Taking over today ?
517
00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,105
? We're taking over ?
518
00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:19,282
? We're taking over today. ?
519
00:22:19,332 --> 00:22:23,882
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