All language subtitles for Black-ish s01e16 Parental Guidance.eng

Dre: 15 years this month.

I've been married
to this beautiful creature...

With a horribly deviated
septum.

She's got the nasal passages
of a UFC fighter.

[Snorts]

My angel.

Back in the day,

Bow's residency schedule
was a little nuts

and we were broke,

so we had a rushed wedding

between shifts
at the hospital chapel.

I've only got seven minutes
till rounds.

Let's get our asses married.

So, while this woman
was preparing herself

for the loss of her dad,

this woman was preparing herself
for the loss of her son.

Why, God?

Why?!

[Laughs] [Crying]

I can't believe
he landed this bird.

Love is blind as hell.

[Laughs]

What the hell you crying about?

[Pager beeps]
Oh, God. I got to go.

Oh.

I love you! I love you!

[Squeals]

Why?

But that was then.
Things are different now.

And I plan to turn
that ratchet first wedding

into a vow renewal
of the century.

This time, I'm gonna give Bow
the party she deserves,

and nothing can ruin that.

[Doorbell rings]

What the hell?

Nothing except Bow's parents.

- Rainbow: Dre, it's 5:00 A.M.
- Shh!

- Who's at the door?
- Hide!

- [Knock on door]
- Jehovah Witnesses!

What?!

I can hear you, Andre.
Open the door.

[Groans]

Mom? Dad?

Don't you open that door.

- Dre, move your foot.
- Don't you open...

Dre, move your foot.

Aah!

Oh!

Hi!

Andre, join us!

Let me warm that heart
with the light from within.

I hate when my heart's warm.

"Hate" is such a strong word.

I dislike when my heart's warm.

Black-ish - 01x16
Parental Guidance

Mom, what happened?

Oh, I slipped
in a Mexican composting dump.

Oh. Your trip sounds beautiful.

Dre.

Oh, I made great time
from the Mexican border.

Never had to stop and fill up.

The old RV runs on vegetable oil
and animal waste.

Smooth ride, crappy mileage.

[Chuckles]

- Get it?
- Yeah, I get it.

- 'Cause it runs on crap.
- Yeah.

I didn't know
you guys went to Mexico.

Oh, M?jico.

We took an agritourism trip
to San Miguel de Allende.

She how good she is
with languages?

- Mm-hmm.
- Worked on a farm, built walls, picked fruit.

Ah. Sounds like slavery.

Oh. It's different. You pay.

Yeah, only rich people
would pay to sharecrop.

Alicia: Andre, Andre, Andre,

I understand
your need to lash out

because you grew up
in an environment of fear.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

But you're safe now.
You are loved.

Uh, yeah, I'm cool, Alicia.

- Ali-CIA, baby.
- Ah. Mm-hmm.

- So, Dre...
- Hmm?

- How's your mother?
- Oh, she's good.

Oh, I've always liked her.
She's so strong.

Gorgeous skin, beautiful lips.

Down, Paul.
You got your black wife.

Now, where are my grandbabies?

What? What, what, what?

Let's play "20 questions."

- Okay.
- All right?

I'm thinking of a person
who gave birth to you

who I don't like.

Will you stop?

Nope. Not it.

The person I'm thinking about

has never liked me or thought
I was good enough for you.

She actually tried
to set you up with another guy

at our wedding.

Bow! This is Adam.

Although only one of you
has a working liver,

you're both art lovers.

Your mother
would rather see you

with a yellow white man
with two weeks to live

than be with me.

Dre, my mom is
a new-age healer, okay?

- She thought she could save him.
- [Laughs]

I just can't believe that
they came for the vow renewal.

- I mean, they never come.
- Yeah, like ever.

It's always been
my favorite thing about them.

Okay, look. Bow, I just want
our vow renewal to be perfect.

Well, now that my parents
are here,

it'll be more perfect.

You know, I-I-I'm actually happy
that your dad is here.

I love Paul,
and you know how hard it is

for me to say that
about a white man.

- You said you loved Bill Clinton.
- Don't talk about Bill Clinton!

_

Oh, my God, Dre.

I'm just asking you
to be civil to my mother.

I will. I promise.

I can't. She's the worst.

Well, at least
you tried your hardest.

Yep, I did!

Meanwhile,
it was business as usual

with my moms and pops.

You ever hear that expression

about houseguests
being like fish?

Stay too long,
they start to stink.

You ever hear the one about

the time I beat the [Bleep]
out of your stupid [Bleep]

After you [Bleep] that woman?

You dumb son of a [Bleep]

Good morning to you, too, Ruby.

That was so cool!

Why isn't everyone more excited
about the poo bus?

It's a bus that runs on poo!

Your answer's in your question.

Hey!

What are they doing here?

Dre said they would never
come to this thing.

Maybe their swirly cult
kicked them out.

- Hey!
- Earl!

- Paul!
- Oh!

Sparkling Ruby.

Aww. [Chuckles]

Ah. I see
Paul finally lost his patience.

I slipped,
but thanks for your concern.

How fortuitous
that we are all here

to share
in this magical journey.

It'd be real magical
if they disappeared.

Did you guys see "Selma"?
Complete game-changer.

So awe-inspiring.

I saw the original in 1965.

Mine was called "Detroit."
[Chuckles]

Paul actually
walked across that bridge

with the reverend doctor.

Oh. Good for him.

He was still a white man

when he got to the other side
of the bridge, though, yes?

[Laughs]

And probably ate
at a restaurant.

At the counter.

Anyway, how exciting

that Rainbow and, uh...
[Snaps fingers] your son

are celebrating
15 years of wedded bliss.

Oh, 16.

I'm 15, so they've been married
for 16 years.

That's right.
That's right, baby... 16 years.

Remember, Alicia?

Don't mediate her experience.

It's 15, honey.

Wait. So they had me
before they were married?

You're like
the bastard Jon Snow!

They lied to me.

You've all been lying to me.

Not me. I told you the truth
because I respect you.

[Huffs]

First the poop bus,
and now this?

Best morning ever!

Why you want to hurt the child
like that?

If we're not honest,
we're nothing.

I don't remember that
in the Bible.

The Bible is just
one of many paths to the truth.

I'm an animist.
Everything has a soul.

That apple, that sponge,
that glass.

- Oh, is that so?
- Yeah.

You say this glass has a soul?

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

[Bleep] You.

Yeah. Yeah.

Nice.

That's my Ruby. [Chuckles]

- How you doing, Zo-Zo?
- I'm fine.

I talked to mom and dad,

and they said that they love me

and that having me
wasn't an accident.

Hmm. Seems like
overcompensating.

How does it feel
to be just another statistic?

'Course, it explains why dad's
always been so hard on me...

'cause I was the first kid
he meant to have.

- Shut up.
- Do you think dad is even her dad?

She's much better-looking
than us.

Junior:
Funny you should say that.

I did some research on
handsome guys in L.A. in 2000.

Have you ever heard
of Rick Fox?

Ex-laker, decent defender.

Your dad.

They have the same eyes.

Get out!

Fine.

All children conceived
in a loving, legal bond,

come with me.

That would be us.

See you, ol' dirty.

Pops: What you got?

All right, I got... "Drone."

- Hm.
- Ha!

You know...

For your vow-renewal ceremony,
I'm wearing white.

Over my dead body.

Oh, I'm wearing red to that.

Mnh.

I got B-L-K-W-Y-F.

Ha!

That's not a word.

Then why does it say it
on your license plate?

Okay, that's
a triple word score.

- I thought so.
- [Laughs]

All right, pops.

So, I'm trying to renewal
grandma Alicia's license

so she can officiate
your vows, but...

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You gonna let her crazy ass
marry you again?

Uh, we... we actually haven't
talked about it yet, pops.

- Uh, hell no.
- We aren't.

- There. We talked about it.
- Dre.

I think you should have
a man of God marry you.

My mother
is an ordained minister.

I said "a man of God."

Junior: Guys, listen to me... the
church of saturnology website

has been seized by the FBI.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me see that.

Look at this.

"This site has been seized
pending further investigation"?

"All accreditation
is null and void."

- Oh, my God.
- This is a fake church!

Wait a minute. Dre, does that
mean we're not married?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yes!

We are all bastards.

Oh, I cannot get a win here.

[Laughs]

You know
what church isn't fake?

Jesus.

Oh.

Jesus is real.

[Sighs] Yes.

Look, my mother was right.

We should have gotten married
in a real church

with a real Minister
with real Jesus.

Dre, your mother wanted
Bishop Don Juan to marry us.

At least he has
actual power vested in him...

and his face
on the hubcaps of his Bentley.

I think your mother did this
on purpose.

- No, she did not.
- Mm-hmm.

Dre, I'm upset, too.

But the reality is that it is
just a piece of paper.

It's just a piece of paper
if you have it.

It's a big deal if you don't.

Like money.

You're right.
You're totally right.

I can't believe
I'm a baby daddy.

Oh... My God.

That means I'm a single mother

who's also a successful doctor.

I'm a profile in courage.

If "Oprah" was still on,
she would want to meet me.

- You know what, babe?
- Huh?

We're gonna turn these sour-ass
lemons your mother gave us

- and make lemonade.
- That's a good idea.

- We're gonna turn this vow renewal...
- Mm-hmm?

- Into a wedding.
- [Gasps]

Dre, are you sure?

- What? Yes.
- You know I come with four children.

Four.

And I will raise them
like my own.

Oh, God,
you are such a good man.

- Oh, babe?
- Mm-hmm?

I was also thinking about

exchanging
this cheap-ass engagement ring.

Oh. Unless you're too
sentimental about it.

Platinum, princess cut, 3 carats...
4 if I'm being real...

one for each one of
your big-headed Johnson babies.

Okay, babe.

- Love you.
- I love you, too.

I don't want to see that again.

Oh, not so cocky anymore,
are you?

I'm a child from a broken home.

I wonder if we're even related.

You two
probably aren't even twins.

That would make
much more sense.

Oh, my God. It really would.

So, we're all just
unrelated children

living in the same house...

like Michael Jackson's kids?!

- Don't say that!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You guys, stop all of this.

- Yeah, this news changes nothing...
- Nothing.

Except that you all get to come
to our first wedding.

- Aah!
- Okay?

Diane, you're the flower girl.

Jack, you're gonna be
the ring bearer.

White tuxedo, black tie.

I've been waiting
for this moment my whole life.

Zoey, you are gonna be
my maid of honor!

And, Junior, you get to be
my best man.

Oh-ho-ho! Great!

Bachelor party
at medieval times!

Nah.

So, we had a bump in the road.

But the kids and Bow and I
were back on track.

The question was,

could our parents
set aside their differences

and do the same?

Oh, I'll be damned
if I'm gonna eat that.

It's bulgur kernels.

Not everything has to be fried.

It's kernels of bulgur.

The least you could do
is fry the hell out of it.

This is
what Rainbow grew up eating.

Oh, baby.
So that's why you can't cook.

I'll be damned.
I've been blaming the victim.

- The real victim is Andre...
- What?

Who grew up
with your limited world view.

Hey, ho, ho, ho.
I'm not limited.

- Oh, you're not?
- Mnh-mnh.

Do you know how to swim?

How do you know
that I don't know how to swim?

You do?

You know,
75% of the world is water.

Well, that leaves me 25%.

I ain't greedy.

In many cultures, it's
a father's sacred responsibility

to teach his son to swim, Earl.
I mean, it's...

Oh. That's all
you gonna come at me with?

You know,
it's a whole lot of stuff

I ain't taught him, Alicia.

Listen here, girl.
Your daughter can't boil an egg.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You don't know what I can do.

Can you?

I-I can...

I can do... listen.

I can bring Dre back to life
if he drowns...

which he might,
because he can't swim.

Oh, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey. Look, people.

I'm going nowhere near water,
okay?

Because I don't swim.

Not that I can't. I don't swim.
See?

Hey, you know what?
Let's not even do this.

Let's not. Actually, Dre,
you're totally right.

We are not gonna settle this
tonight, okay?

Our families are different,

but the point is
that we are family.

That's not the point.

What's the point?

The point is,
they look down on us.

- No!
- Rainbow: No, they don't, pops.

Y-yes, she does, all right?

"Not everything
has to be fried"

is code for
"stop being so black."

- Ha!
- No, it's not.

It's code
for "stop being so unhealthy."

- Ha!
- Alicia: Exactly.

You're not obligated
to get diabetes.

- Ooh! Dre: Total judgment.
- Pops: Tell it.

She thinks she's the good black

- and she thinks we're the bad black.
- Preach.

How is that
what you just heard?

- That's what I heard.
- Dre.

You know, this casserole
is delicious. Very beany.

All my mom is saying
is that there's nothing wrong

with having
an expanded world view.

There is a rich panoply

of different ways
to experience blackness.

None of which include
the words "rich panoply."

Now you're sounding like her.

What does that mean? Huh?

You mean I sound intelligent?
Cultured? Educated?

- Pretentious, bougie, and obnoxious.
- No.

- Stop. Stop, babe.
- [Ruby laughs]

Here we go. Come on, y'all.

Here we go! [Laughs]

[Chuckling] Here we go.

Believe it or not,

that was the most lighthearted
part of dinner.

Once again, they had pulled us
into their drama.

And when they saw

what they thought was a chink
in our marital armor,

they went all-in.

I'm just saying, sometimes
the universe opens a window

so you can climb out
of an unhappy marriage.

You don't have to rush
into anything.

It's just us again.

She's in your taillights, baby.

[Humming]

[Groans]

Babe, you realize
what's happening here, right?

[Sighs] Our parents are crazy.

Yes, and it's making us crazy.

I got backed into the world's
first pro-diabetes position.

You made some very valid
arguments, babe.

I was really looking forward
to making this happen.

I've been planning this ceremony
forever,

and I just wanted it
to be perfect.

I ordered birds.

Dre! I'm terrified of birds.

I even ordered
a convertible Hummer Limo.

I hate those.
The birds can fly in.

You know,
we can never do anything nice

when our parents are around.

- [Sighs]
- They ruin everything.

I know.

We should go to the courthouse.

What? No!

I planned some pretty badass
things with orchids.

I know, but when it's just
you and me and the kids,

it's about us
and not about them,

and that's what's important.

Ohh...

I guess you're right.
All we really need is a judge.

And a big ring.

- And 100 white doves.
- Mnh-mnh.

Oh. I'll save that
for my next wife.

This is what
they're coming to see.

What you guys doing
all dressed up?

Wedding's not till Saturday.

For when we go to the courthouse
with mom and dad.

The courthouse?

To... Sit in
on a murder trial...

Of a known drug kingpin.

Jos? Carlos Luis
"The Jackal" Carlos.

Bad man.

Right.

And we're definitely
not going to see

mom and dad get married
tomorrow without you

because
you guys ruin everything.

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Uh, you guys look great.

You look really, really great.

Thank you.

Nailed it!

Are we going to the murder trial
before the wedding?

That'll be a long day.

I should bring a snack.

Is that whole-grain?

No, but it's not fried, either.

[Sighs]

Our kids are going to
get married in a courthouse

without us.

We have screwed this thing up
for them.

Well...

You more than me.

[Scoffs]

What you trying to prove?

Your old funk-powered bus
and your rock deodorant.

It's not a rock. It's a crystal.
And it is a natural...

It does not work.

You married a white boy,

- and you want your daughter to marry a white boy.
- That's not true.

I wanted a man
that shared my interests,

who had the courage
to walk mother earth with me.

Oh, negress, please!

You married yourself
a white man,

splashed on some patchouli,
and reinvented yourself.

You are from Memphis, D'Alicia.

Don't be acting like
there's not a glass ceiling

for women
with apostrophes in their name.

The life I built
is better than the life I had.

Okay.

I don't like it,
but I can respect it.

I don't like it that you walk
around with $11,000 in your pocket.

- I don't trust banks.
- You are such a catch.

Well, maybe I'm not,
but you know who is?

My son... Dre, Andre.

He eats bulgur
for your daughter.

He would do
pretty much anything for her.

It'd be a shame to see them
get married in a courthouse

'cause we don't know
how to act.

I'll drink to that.

All right. Let me give you
a little taste here.

Oh, not that.
I don't like brown liquor.

I'm eating white ice cream.

So, in a shocking development,

our parents
put our wedding back on.

Wear whatever you want, son.

Nobody's gonna be
looking at you, anyway.

And everybody got
what they wanted.

Alicia got
Tibetan throat singers.

[Bell dings]

Moms got her some Jesus.

She called Bishop Don Juan.

I called a minister
from this planet.

Pops got a scotch fountain.

And Paul got something
he really enjoyed...

a front-row seat

to Bishop Don Juan's
dancing Double Deacons.

And we got what we wanted...
our whole family together.

Now is the time
I have to ask...

if there is anyone here

who believes these two
should not be united,

speak now.

Or forever hold your peace.

I have something
I would like to say.

- Hmm? What?
- Oh, mom. Please, no.

Oh, of course you do.

We may never get along.

Preach.

We may never be best friends.

We may never get through
one meal together

without insulting one another.

Cook better.

- Mama!
- Ruby!

But we're family.

Yes.

And the reason we're family

is because we are united
in our love for you two.

Aww.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, mom.

And now Dre and Bow

will read the vows
they prepared for each other.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Huh?
- Babe, did you...

- you do something?
- I didn't do it.

Uh...

Actually, uh, no offense,

but, uh, you guys have been
such a nightmare that...

Yes. Nightmare.

- We didn't have time to write any vows.
- Mnh-mnh.

No offense taken, son.

Just go ahead.
Speak from your heart.

Nobody's gonna remember
what he says anyway.

[Both chuckle]

- Dre...
- Hmm?

I promise to love, honor,
and Cherish you.

Ah.

So you just gonna take
all the good ones

- right off the top, huh?
- Dre, stop it.

Oh, no. Okay. Okay.

Bow, you believed in me
when no one else did.

And to this day,
I still don't know why

a woman so beautiful who was
almost done with med school

would bet on me
when she had a far better hand.

But I'm so, so glad
that she did.

Me too.

[Gong rings,
tibetans throat-singing]

- Oh! Oh! Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- No... uh, n-not right now.

Hold on. I'm not done yet.

Um...

But I do have one regret.

What? What do you mean?

I wasn't able to get you
the ring that you wanted.

Dre, it's fine.

I love the old one, sweetie.
I love it.

Oh, girl. I'm just playing.
[Snaps fingers]

- What?
- Give it to me, son.

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
[Chuckles]

Bam!

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

Oh... My God.

- By the power vested in me...
- And me.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Come here. Kiss your bride!

[All cheer]

[Earth, Wind & Fire's
"September" plays]

Baby, throw your bouquet.

- Give it... give it to me!
-
Ba de ya

Rainbow: Ruby!

[Laughter]

- Guys!
- Huh?

- You're still married.
- What?

I read the small print
on the saturnology website,

and it says all marriages
before 2002 are still valid.

Wait. You mean we were married
this whole time?

Yep. Which means
I'm not a bastard.

Dad is my dad.

We really are twins!

Hold up, friend.

Let's see what the tests say.

Sorry, Zoey.
We can't all be legit.

Well, at least
my dad can hit a jumper.

Hey, enough talk about Rick Fox,
all right?

Your mother
has never met Rick Fox.

Right, babe?

Right, babe?

Huh? Hmm?

Oh. Wha...

Such a beautiful day out.

Look at the trees.

Oh! Lovely trees.

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