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Dre: Some of history'smost brutal wars were set off
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00:00:03,522 --> 00:00:05,923
by a tiny wrong move at the wrong time
3
00:00:05,924 --> 00:00:08,593
when tensions were jacked
through the roof.
4
00:00:08,594 --> 00:00:11,095
Take this Archduke Fella
with the dope lid.
5
00:00:11,096 --> 00:00:14,499
Poor dude gets capped cruising
in his ride, and... boom!...
6
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,758
World War I.
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But there's never been a moment in history
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00:00:18,078 --> 00:00:21,305
more loaded with deadly tension
than "Valentime's" Day.
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00:00:21,306 --> 00:00:23,474
All that pressure to make it perfect
10
00:00:23,475 --> 00:00:26,344
actually makes it a powder keg
waiting to explode.
11
00:00:26,345 --> 00:00:30,214
And Bow and I never fail to set it off.
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00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:33,184
Happy first Valentime's Day, Mrs. Johnson.
13
00:00:33,185 --> 00:00:35,653
Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.
14
00:00:35,654 --> 00:00:37,688
Hey, baby, can you suck in your wrist?
15
00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:40,024
I mean, it fit
on the skinny saleslady's arm.
16
00:00:40,025 --> 00:00:41,392
Ow!
17
00:00:41,393 --> 00:00:43,895
But it's not always me
who fires the first shot.
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00:00:43,896 --> 00:00:45,363
You know, if we ever have a son,
19
00:00:45,364 --> 00:00:47,131
I'd like to name him Andre Jr.
20
00:00:47,132 --> 00:00:49,567
Ah, we'll see.
21
00:00:49,568 --> 00:00:51,769
We'll see? To my legacy?
22
00:00:51,770 --> 00:00:53,371
[Chuckles]
23
00:00:53,372 --> 00:00:56,874
Your legacy of giving your wife
a sad freeway bucket rose?
24
00:00:56,875 --> 00:00:58,142
Hey, hey. What?
25
00:00:58,143 --> 00:00:59,744
You know, that's it.
26
00:00:59,745 --> 00:01:01,279
I'm out! All right?
27
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,739
No giant bag of oranges for you!
28
00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,683
But this Valentime's,
29
00:01:05,684 --> 00:01:08,253
I'm doing everything right
to keep the peace.
30
00:01:08,254 --> 00:01:12,357
Oh, yeah. A dozen long stems not
from a Mexican lady's bucket,
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a gift that fits,
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00:01:13,993 --> 00:01:17,587
and a night out with my beautiful wife.
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00:01:17,588 --> 00:01:19,438
- Oh. Hey, babe.
- Hey.
34
00:01:19,439 --> 00:01:20,399
Mwah! Mwah!
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00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,134
Ain't nothing gonna ruin this night.
36
00:01:22,135 --> 00:01:25,335
All right, so, should I wait
in the car while you change?
37
00:01:26,139 --> 00:01:27,272
Change?
38
00:01:27,273 --> 00:01:28,840
_
39
00:01:28,841 --> 00:01:30,909
Archduke down! Archduke down!
40
00:01:30,910 --> 00:01:34,279
That's not good.
And we're not even in the car yet.
41
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,375
Black-ish S01E13
Big Night, Big Fight
42
00:01:36,376 --> 00:01:38,751
43
00:01:38,752 --> 00:01:39,853
So, like an idiot,
44
00:01:39,854 --> 00:01:42,154
I accidentally triggered another war.
45
00:01:42,155 --> 00:01:44,490
I had to broker a peace
before it destroyed the night.
46
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Come on, Bow, you staying mad
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is just gonna ruin our Valentime's.
48
00:01:47,786 --> 00:01:48,895
Oh, so this is on me?
49
00:01:48,896 --> 00:01:50,797
It's my fault you wouldn't recognize
50
00:01:50,798 --> 00:01:53,233
an Isabel Marant Romper
if it bit you in the ass?
51
00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:55,001
- And by the way...
- Hmm?
52
00:01:55,002 --> 00:01:57,303
It's Valentine's.
53
00:01:57,304 --> 00:01:58,872
Nuh!
54
00:01:58,873 --> 00:02:00,073
Nuh!
55
00:02:00,074 --> 00:02:02,041
Nuuuuh!
56
00:02:02,042 --> 00:02:04,042
_
57
00:02:04,812 --> 00:02:07,155
My way sounds so much better.
58
00:02:07,156 --> 00:02:08,849
Like... like Christmastime.
59
00:02:08,850 --> 00:02:10,017
Springtime.
60
00:02:10,018 --> 00:02:13,253
I mean, come on, baby.
"Hammertine"? It just sounds stupid.
61
00:02:13,254 --> 00:02:17,954
Look, I'm sorry
I slammed your romper, okay?
62
00:02:17,955 --> 00:02:20,094
Can I get a do-over?
63
00:02:20,095 --> 00:02:21,429
Peeease?
64
00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:24,665
I guess Hammertine
does not make much sense.
65
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:27,001
[Chuckles] Maybe I overreacted.
66
00:02:27,002 --> 00:02:28,402
Maybe just a little.
67
00:02:28,403 --> 00:02:31,306
Dre, let's just enjoy the night
you planned.
68
00:02:31,307 --> 00:02:35,776
I'm very excited to go
and eat at Fabiano's...
69
00:02:35,777 --> 00:02:37,078
Again.
70
00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:40,181
- What's that tone?
- No tone. It's just after 15 years,
71
00:02:40,182 --> 00:02:41,844
I think we've done the hell
out of Fabiano's.
72
00:02:41,845 --> 00:02:44,819
Well, joke's on you. I'm changing it up.
73
00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,955
We're not going to Fabiano's.
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00:02:46,956 --> 00:02:49,457
GPS voice: Drive 300 feetto Fabiano's Cucina.
75
00:02:49,458 --> 00:02:51,259
That was programmed from last year.
76
00:02:52,762 --> 00:02:55,997
Boo-yah! Doubled my haul from last year.
77
00:02:55,998 --> 00:02:57,833
Hmm. Nice.
78
00:02:57,834 --> 00:02:59,534
Wow.
79
00:02:59,535 --> 00:03:00,936
That's upsetting.
80
00:03:00,937 --> 00:03:02,304
Tell me about it.
81
00:03:02,305 --> 00:03:03,773
I had to leave most of them at school.
82
00:03:03,774 --> 00:03:06,642
But there's not even
that many people in our class.
83
00:03:06,643 --> 00:03:09,712
A lot of them are from my teachers
and their families. I'm beloved.
84
00:03:09,713 --> 00:03:12,715
How does a boob like you get
more Valentines than me?
85
00:03:12,716 --> 00:03:15,251
Maybe by not calling people "Boobs."
86
00:03:15,252 --> 00:03:16,652
You are pretty mean.
87
00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:19,156
Mean? It's called being honest, long-head.
88
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,123
Long-head?
89
00:03:20,124 --> 00:03:23,493
Don't worry.
You'll probably grow into it.
90
00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:24,694
Probably.
91
00:03:24,695 --> 00:03:26,596
Diane, have you ever heard the saying
92
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,364
"you catch more flies with honey"?
93
00:03:28,365 --> 00:03:31,468
Congrats, genius. You just ruined
your honey with dead flies.
94
00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:33,803
Wow, are you broken.
95
00:03:33,804 --> 00:03:36,973
Is it actually long?
96
00:03:36,974 --> 00:03:40,344
Can someone please trace my skull?
97
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,345
I'd like to know.
98
00:03:44,783 --> 00:03:46,049
Welcome to Everly.
99
00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:50,053
Wow. It's completely packed.
What a surprise.
100
00:03:50,054 --> 00:03:52,356
- I have a reservation.
- Uh-huh. Okay.
101
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,460
Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom
before we get kicked out.
102
00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:57,995
We're not getting kicked out, all right?
103
00:03:57,996 --> 00:04:00,131
[Chuckles] Please don't kick us out.
104
00:04:00,132 --> 00:04:03,267
But long story short... no ressie,
mad wife, marriage on the line.
105
00:04:03,268 --> 00:04:04,335
Help me.
106
00:04:04,336 --> 00:04:05,938
Sorry, sir. We're fully booked.
107
00:04:05,939 --> 00:04:07,171
It's Valentine's day.
108
00:04:08,974 --> 00:04:10,341
All right.
109
00:04:10,342 --> 00:04:13,511
How about if my friend Bill explains it?
110
00:04:13,512 --> 00:04:14,812
Billy.
111
00:04:14,813 --> 00:04:16,247
Billy Cash.
112
00:04:18,851 --> 00:04:20,986
Oh, here's your reservation.
113
00:04:20,987 --> 00:04:22,254
Hmm.
114
00:04:22,255 --> 00:04:24,255
_
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00:04:26,259 --> 00:04:28,260
Dre: So, Billy Cash got us into the house,
116
00:04:28,261 --> 00:04:31,964
but he didn't exactly get us
the best seats in the house.
117
00:04:31,965 --> 00:04:34,633
I'm so sorry about this.
I'm Bow, by the way.
118
00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:36,035
Stacy. Happy V-tine's day.
119
00:04:36,036 --> 00:04:37,169
Oh, you too.
120
00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,004
Oh, my God. Is that
your pug on your phone?
121
00:04:39,005 --> 00:04:40,139
- Mm-hmm.
- It's so cute.
122
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:41,674
You know, I had a Corgi
when I was growing up...
123
00:04:41,675 --> 00:04:42,875
[Dre clears throat loudly]
124
00:04:42,876 --> 00:04:44,577
[Glass tings] Just a sec. Yeah.
125
00:04:44,578 --> 00:04:46,113
We're not here to make gal pals.
126
00:04:46,114 --> 00:04:48,681
- Right. Okay.
- By the way, I love your outfit.
127
00:04:48,682 --> 00:04:49,757
Oh.
128
00:04:49,758 --> 00:04:51,918
- Thank you.
- Mm.
129
00:04:51,919 --> 00:04:52,819
Hmm.
130
00:04:52,820 --> 00:04:54,421
- Seeing anything we like?
- Yeah. Actually,
131
00:04:54,422 --> 00:04:55,989
I'm just gonna go with the short rib,
132
00:04:55,990 --> 00:04:57,691
- and maybe I can start with...
- Ooh, short rib.
133
00:04:57,692 --> 00:05:00,427
Tell us about the short rib. Is it tender?
134
00:05:00,428 --> 00:05:01,728
- And here we go.
- You know what?
135
00:05:01,729 --> 00:05:03,063
Don't even worry about it
136
00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:04,698
'cause I was actually looking
at the Jidori chicken.
137
00:05:04,699 --> 00:05:06,666
Where exactly is Jidor?
138
00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,040
It's... never mind.
Don't even answer that.
139
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,737
Um, let's see. Um...
140
00:05:10,738 --> 00:05:12,072
Oh, okay. Hold on.
141
00:05:12,073 --> 00:05:14,341
Um, oh. There it is.
142
00:05:14,342 --> 00:05:15,976
Um...
143
00:05:15,977 --> 00:05:17,678
Why don't you come back in two days?
144
00:05:17,679 --> 00:05:19,446
Thank you.
145
00:05:19,447 --> 00:05:22,683
[Gasps] A seafood side.
I didn't even see this page.
146
00:05:22,684 --> 00:05:24,318
Skate?
147
00:05:24,319 --> 00:05:26,253
Don't know what that is,
but it sounds fancy.
148
00:05:26,254 --> 00:05:29,757
Excuse me, gar?on!
Walk me through this skate.
149
00:05:30,492 --> 00:05:32,393
Okay, Diane, our Valentine's gift to you
150
00:05:32,394 --> 00:05:34,361
is teaching you how to give a compliment.
151
00:05:34,362 --> 00:05:37,865
Fine. But for the record,
I am doubtful of all you people.
152
00:05:37,866 --> 00:05:39,300
Okay, just look at Jack
153
00:05:39,301 --> 00:05:41,268
and say something nice about him.
154
00:05:44,372 --> 00:05:45,639
I'm sorry.
155
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,942
There's just too much baggage between us.
156
00:05:47,943 --> 00:05:49,210
She's not wrong.
157
00:05:49,211 --> 00:05:51,545
Okay, then, what about Junior?
158
00:05:51,546 --> 00:05:53,247
Can you say something nice about him?
159
00:05:54,316 --> 00:05:56,550
Uh...
160
00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:59,520
I see what you're saying.
It is kind of long.
161
00:05:59,521 --> 00:06:01,289
Will that happen to my head, too?
162
00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:03,057
Just volunteering my time here.
163
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:05,326
Listen, Diane, there's
something to make fun of
164
00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:06,894
about everyone... not me...
165
00:06:06,895 --> 00:06:09,731
But the secret to pretending
to be a nice person
166
00:06:09,732 --> 00:06:11,699
is to stop talking before the hurtful part
167
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:13,368
of what you're thinking comes out.
168
00:06:13,369 --> 00:06:15,503
Hey. That's pretty smart.
169
00:06:15,504 --> 00:06:16,471
Mm-hmm.
170
00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:17,739
Especially from you.
171
00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,658
Okay.
172
00:06:19,659 --> 00:06:21,060
I see what I did there.
173
00:06:21,061 --> 00:06:22,977
Yeah.
174
00:06:22,978 --> 00:06:25,146
Okay, let me see here.
175
00:06:25,147 --> 00:06:26,948
Hmm.
176
00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:28,883
I think I will have
177
00:06:28,884 --> 00:06:36,291
the-e-e-e-e...
178
00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:38,493
Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.
179
00:06:38,494 --> 00:06:40,219
Unless you think
I shouldn't get the chicken.
180
00:06:40,220 --> 00:06:41,154
The chicken's wonderful.
181
00:06:41,155 --> 00:06:42,431
- What's your favorite?
- The chicken.
182
00:06:42,432 --> 00:06:43,598
You know, I think you're just saying...
183
00:06:43,599 --> 00:06:45,000
- Dre.
- Okay, chicken.
184
00:06:45,001 --> 00:06:46,735
I'm gonna have the short rib, please.
185
00:06:46,736 --> 00:06:49,281
So sorry. Someone just
ordered the last one.
186
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:53,041
Okay, you know what? I'm just
gonna have whatever's fastest
187
00:06:53,042 --> 00:06:54,609
- and a bottle of vodka.
- Yes, ma'am.
188
00:06:54,610 --> 00:06:55,977
Thank you so much.
189
00:06:55,978 --> 00:06:57,078
Are you happy?
190
00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:57,913
Bottle?
191
00:06:57,914 --> 00:06:59,214
You made me lose the short rib.
192
00:06:59,215 --> 00:07:00,916
But you know what? No.
This is what you do.
193
00:07:00,917 --> 00:07:03,285
You ruin things. You are a ruiner.
194
00:07:03,286 --> 00:07:04,219
- Am I?
- Mm-hmm.
195
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,454
Name one thing I've ruined.
196
00:07:05,455 --> 00:07:06,488
How about last Easter
197
00:07:06,489 --> 00:07:08,257
when you planned an Easter egg hunt
198
00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:11,226
in Griffith Park
and Jack dug up a human finger?
199
00:07:11,227 --> 00:07:13,629
Uh, public land. Out of my control.
200
00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:16,265
- Okay. Our anniversary in Cabo.
- Mm-hmm.
201
00:07:16,266 --> 00:07:18,767
You crashed the jet ski,
and I had to get 11 stitches.
202
00:07:18,768 --> 00:07:20,669
Rogue wave... not my fault.
203
00:07:20,670 --> 00:07:24,039
And it was your infected
stitches that ruined the trip.
204
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,608
Do you hear yourself? My stitches?
205
00:07:26,609 --> 00:07:28,377
- Yes!
- No, Dre. No, no.
206
00:07:28,378 --> 00:07:31,680
You take special moments
and you kill them dead.
207
00:07:31,681 --> 00:07:33,882
Oh. I haven't heard one yet.
How about this?
208
00:07:33,883 --> 00:07:35,851
The birth of our first child.
209
00:07:35,852 --> 00:07:37,670
_
210
00:07:37,671 --> 00:07:39,922
[Plane engine roaring]
211
00:07:39,923 --> 00:07:41,390
[Screaming] Oh, that's it.
Oh, that's it.
212
00:07:41,391 --> 00:07:42,991
Okay, baby. Okay, baby. You're doing good.
213
00:07:42,992 --> 00:07:44,226
Push. Push.
214
00:07:44,227 --> 00:07:45,594
Oh.
215
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,630
Okay. Uh, oh, boy.
216
00:07:47,631 --> 00:07:49,031
Uh, okay, baby.
217
00:07:49,032 --> 00:07:52,468
Um... you're pushing the wrong zone.
218
00:07:52,469 --> 00:07:53,770
Uh-huh. Baby, stop pushing.
219
00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:56,038
Uh-huh. Oh, God.
Oh, God, you're still pushing.
220
00:07:56,039 --> 00:07:57,607
Whoo. I'm sorry you had to see that.
221
00:07:58,642 --> 00:07:59,909
I'll clean that up for you.
222
00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:01,711
All right. [Chuckles] Bow, come on, man.
223
00:08:01,712 --> 00:08:04,547
Is this the father?
I mean, he's actually part of your life?
224
00:08:04,548 --> 00:08:06,816
'Cause plenty of women
successfully raise children alone.
225
00:08:06,817 --> 00:08:08,184
[Grunts]
226
00:08:08,185 --> 00:08:11,054
Okay. Dredge up
the lowest point in my life
227
00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,824
just because you missed out
on a short rib.
228
00:08:13,825 --> 00:08:15,692
- We...
- Incredibly painful memory,
229
00:08:15,693 --> 00:08:17,494
tainted the first moments of fatherhood.
230
00:08:17,495 --> 00:08:18,562
Okay.
231
00:08:18,596 --> 00:08:21,732
I've got to go freshen up.
232
00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:24,601
I hate Valentine's day.
233
00:08:24,602 --> 00:08:26,536
[Chuckles]
234
00:08:28,484 --> 00:08:31,118
The Valentime's Day war raged on,
235
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,253
and Bow had just Pearl Harbored me,
236
00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:36,324
so I had no choice but to
retreat to my situation room.
237
00:08:36,325 --> 00:08:38,259
Fighting with your wife?
238
00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:40,533
_
239
00:08:40,762 --> 00:08:42,063
How'd you know?
240
00:08:42,064 --> 00:08:45,933
Kid, I've been working
Valentine's day for 40 years.
241
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:48,969
It's always a bloodbath. Just look around.
242
00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:49,937
Hold up
243
00:08:49,938 --> 00:08:51,472
We dem boyz
244
00:08:51,473 --> 00:08:53,240
Gentlemen, introduce yourselves
245
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,309
and how your night went off the rails.
246
00:08:55,310 --> 00:08:57,011
Hello. I'm Keith.
247
00:08:57,012 --> 00:08:58,446
- Hi, Keith.
- Hi, Keith.
248
00:08:58,447 --> 00:08:59,513
I picked the wrong night
249
00:08:59,514 --> 00:09:01,348
to tell my wife I'm going on a golf trip.
250
00:09:01,349 --> 00:09:02,562
I'm Jonas.
251
00:09:02,564 --> 00:09:04,285
- Hi, Jonas.
- Hi, Jonas.
252
00:09:04,286 --> 00:09:05,619
I cheaped out on the Valet
253
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,588
and made her walk six blocks in Stilettos,
254
00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,356
which she's been stabbing my foot with
255
00:09:09,357 --> 00:09:10,758
under the table ever since.
256
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,671
- Mm.
- Dr. Dilip Kotwala.
257
00:09:12,728 --> 00:09:14,962
Told my wife her naan
is not as puffy as my mom's.
258
00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:16,063
- Ooh.
- Oh.
259
00:09:16,064 --> 00:09:17,465
So, it's not just me.
260
00:09:17,466 --> 00:09:19,200
No, sir. It's not just you.
261
00:09:19,201 --> 00:09:21,502
And it's not just Valentine's.
262
00:09:21,503 --> 00:09:24,505
Birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve.
263
00:09:24,506 --> 00:09:26,507
The bigger the night,
the bigger the fight.
264
00:09:26,508 --> 00:09:28,809
Oh, but why does it always
have to turn to crap?
265
00:09:28,810 --> 00:09:31,979
Ours is not to reason why.
266
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:34,949
Ours is but to do and die.
267
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,385
- Hmm?
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
268
00:09:37,386 --> 00:09:38,953
And you work in a bathroom?
269
00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:41,422
Poetry Major.
270
00:09:41,423 --> 00:09:42,657
Gotcha.
271
00:09:42,658 --> 00:09:45,226
So, uh, let's hear your war story.
272
00:09:45,227 --> 00:09:46,427
Well, I'm Dre.
273
00:09:46,428 --> 00:09:48,062
All: Hi, Dre.
274
00:09:48,063 --> 00:09:51,198
But I wasn't the only one
with a war council.
275
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,701
So annoying. You know what I mean?
276
00:09:53,702 --> 00:09:57,238
Who is he? Huh? To judge what I'm wearing?
277
00:09:57,239 --> 00:09:58,445
[Chuckles]
278
00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:00,074
- But you could just rise above.
- Mm-hmm.
279
00:10:00,075 --> 00:10:01,709
Say sorry and save your night.
280
00:10:01,710 --> 00:10:03,811
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
281
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,713
How long have you two been married?
282
00:10:05,714 --> 00:10:08,182
- Oh, we just got engaged last week.
- Oh, okay.
283
00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:09,784
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
284
00:10:09,785 --> 00:10:11,552
[Laughter]
285
00:10:11,553 --> 00:10:14,655
Okay, first of all, you need
to update your playlist.
286
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:15,957
And why don't you get in touch
287
00:10:15,958 --> 00:10:17,959
once the two of you have
actually gotten married?
288
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,406
Beuse then everything
is about setting a precedent.
289
00:10:20,429 --> 00:10:23,231
It's not just a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter.
290
00:10:23,232 --> 00:10:25,666
It's a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter
291
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,335
for the rest of your life.
292
00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:28,569
Do you understand?
293
00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:32,507
Do you like hot counter milk?
294
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:33,708
Um... no.
295
00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:34,675
No.
296
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:35,743
Well, he's gonna leave it there.
297
00:10:35,744 --> 00:10:37,778
By the way,
298
00:10:37,779 --> 00:10:39,847
when I said you could try my short rib,
299
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,281
I kind of meant just a bite.
300
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,317
Oh. I'm sorry, sweetheart.
301
00:10:43,318 --> 00:10:46,273
But you know this should've
been mine, right?
302
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,922
Okay, Diane, remember...
303
00:10:47,923 --> 00:10:49,957
Just say the first half of your thought.
304
00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:53,428
Zoey, you have nice hair.
305
00:10:55,264 --> 00:10:56,364
Jack...
306
00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:58,466
You dance well.
307
00:10:59,735 --> 00:11:00,869
Junior...
308
00:11:04,673 --> 00:11:06,274
You're good at computers.
309
00:11:07,510 --> 00:11:09,110
Sure you don't want to say more?
310
00:11:09,111 --> 00:11:11,012
Don't poke the bear.
311
00:11:11,013 --> 00:11:13,014
No. I'm done.
312
00:11:13,015 --> 00:11:15,717
I wrote down the rest
of what I wanted to say.
313
00:11:23,759 --> 00:11:25,927
I should not have read this.
314
00:11:28,097 --> 00:11:29,898
Junior, get off.
315
00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:32,267
I-I mean, it's the kind of thing
that just throws you,
316
00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:34,203
even if it's a natural part of childbirth.
317
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,673
I guess I did to Valentine's
what she did to that poor table.
318
00:11:37,674 --> 00:11:39,841
Yes, but you could still win the night.
319
00:11:39,842 --> 00:11:43,345
All you did was make a foolish
inquiry about her romper.
320
00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:44,346
Mm-hmm.
321
00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:46,515
But she came back at you so hard,
322
00:11:46,516 --> 00:11:48,617
she lost the moral high ground.
323
00:11:48,618 --> 00:11:49,718
Okay.
324
00:11:49,719 --> 00:11:52,421
Oh, I get it. Now Dre is the victim.
325
00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,122
- Precisely.
- Wow.
326
00:11:54,123 --> 00:11:56,725
This is crazy. Totally uncharted.
327
00:11:56,726 --> 00:11:58,327
W-what's my play?
328
00:11:58,328 --> 00:12:00,962
Amp up your hurt. Work her guilt.
329
00:12:00,963 --> 00:12:03,398
Don't ease up until you hear
the words "I'm sorry."
330
00:12:03,399 --> 00:12:05,033
Trust me, Dre.
331
00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:07,502
No one else in here is having sex tonight,
332
00:12:07,503 --> 00:12:09,337
but if you play it right,
333
00:12:09,338 --> 00:12:11,506
you can have special sex.
334
00:12:11,507 --> 00:12:13,041
Special sex?
335
00:12:13,042 --> 00:12:14,509
Mm.
336
00:12:14,510 --> 00:12:16,144
Special sex.
337
00:12:16,145 --> 00:12:18,580
All: [Chanting] Special sex.
338
00:12:18,581 --> 00:12:21,449
Special sex! Special sex!
339
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:26,421
- Come on!
- Special sex! Special sex! Special sex!
340
00:12:27,423 --> 00:12:30,392
There she is in my cross hairs,
341
00:12:30,393 --> 00:12:32,828
no idea I'm about to unleash
342
00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:35,898
an entire S.E.A.L. team
of emotional manipulation.
343
00:12:35,899 --> 00:12:39,334
Sad puppy-dog face... go.
344
00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:43,872
Quivering lip... go.
345
00:12:43,873 --> 00:12:47,976
Single teardrop... go, go, go!
346
00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:50,812
This is gonna be so much fun.
347
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,347
Enjoy it, Dre.
348
00:12:52,348 --> 00:12:54,516
Relish every moment.
349
00:12:54,517 --> 00:12:55,953
Remember, the more she resists,
350
00:12:55,955 --> 00:12:58,821
the higher she hoists herself,
and then you...
351
00:12:58,822 --> 00:13:00,923
I'm sorry, Dre.
352
00:13:00,924 --> 00:13:01,976
Excuse me?
353
00:13:02,107 --> 00:13:03,392
I just feel like there's no point
354
00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:07,830
in us continuing to argue,
and so I'm rising above.
355
00:13:07,831 --> 00:13:09,599
I'm sorry.
356
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,568
Guess I should accept her apology,
357
00:13:12,569 --> 00:13:14,871
be a hero, and get special sex.
358
00:13:14,872 --> 00:13:19,475
Or I could take it to the next
level and be a legend.
359
00:13:19,476 --> 00:13:22,812
Yes, that's what I'll be... a legend.
360
00:13:22,813 --> 00:13:24,880
Well, since you're apologizing for this,
361
00:13:24,881 --> 00:13:28,317
I gather you can scrounge up
some more apologies.
362
00:13:29,853 --> 00:13:34,590
And what else exactly
would I apologize for?
363
00:13:34,591 --> 00:13:35,925
Ah, well, for starters,
364
00:13:35,926 --> 00:13:38,761
my Shaquille O'neal mug
that you plotted against.
365
00:13:38,762 --> 00:13:40,762
_
366
00:13:41,064 --> 00:13:42,398
- Dre.
- Hmm?
367
00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:43,867
That was six years ago.
368
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:49,939
Six long years without
the greatest mug of all time.
369
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:52,275
Perfect for coffee, perfect for soup.
370
00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:54,243
The man had a large head, Bow.
371
00:13:54,244 --> 00:13:56,546
And you shattered it on purpose!
372
00:13:56,547 --> 00:13:58,080
I did not.
373
00:13:58,081 --> 00:14:01,717
And you can kiss my behind on purpose.
374
00:14:01,718 --> 00:14:02,351
Oh?
375
00:14:04,888 --> 00:14:06,656
Idiot.
376
00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:08,546
[Doorbell rings] Pizza's here!
377
00:14:08,626 --> 00:14:11,561
Go time, Diane.
Your first real-world test.
378
00:14:11,562 --> 00:14:13,463
[Exhales deeply] I got this.
379
00:14:21,806 --> 00:14:23,240
Is this a joke?
380
00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:25,141
Oh, my God. What have we done?
381
00:14:25,142 --> 00:14:27,544
I didn't know they'd be sending a mutant.
382
00:14:27,545 --> 00:14:28,912
This is gonna break her.
383
00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:33,116
You were very punctual,
384
00:14:33,117 --> 00:14:36,119
and you have the correct number
of limbs for a human.
385
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,487
Thank you.
386
00:14:37,488 --> 00:14:38,688
You're welcome.
387
00:14:42,427 --> 00:14:45,195
You were amazing! That guy was rough.
388
00:14:45,196 --> 00:14:46,363
I almost threw up.
389
00:14:46,364 --> 00:14:48,365
But that wasn't the real me.
390
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:51,001
I feel so dirty inside.
391
00:14:51,002 --> 00:14:53,103
I need a shower.
392
00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:55,639
Just like America and Russia,
393
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,757
every couple has their own set
of nukes pointed at each other.
394
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:01,545
Oddly, it keeps the peace.
395
00:15:01,546 --> 00:15:03,914
It's called
"Mutually Assured Destruction,"
396
00:15:03,915 --> 00:15:06,150
M.A.D. for short,
397
00:15:06,151 --> 00:15:09,319
'cause both sides know
it'd be insane to launch.
398
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,078
Three, two, one.
399
00:15:11,189 --> 00:15:12,356
Launch.
400
00:15:12,357 --> 00:15:13,991
I did break your mug on purpose
401
00:15:13,992 --> 00:15:15,292
because I didn't want to see you
402
00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:18,929
sippin' chowder out
of Shaquille O'neal's big head
403
00:15:18,930 --> 00:15:20,464
for the rest of my life!
404
00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:21,799
[Explosion]
405
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,235
Your ex-boyfriend's Billy Ocean t-shirt
406
00:15:24,237 --> 00:15:25,484
- that you love so much?
- Yeah?
407
00:15:25,571 --> 00:15:27,238
I wash my tires with it!
408
00:15:27,239 --> 00:15:28,906
[Explosion]
409
00:15:28,907 --> 00:15:31,509
That was Gene Hackman at the Roller Rink.
410
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:34,145
You think everyone is Gene Hackman!
411
00:15:34,146 --> 00:15:36,647
[Explosions]
412
00:15:36,648 --> 00:15:39,183
I know you spiked my drink
at the sade concert.
413
00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:40,651
Well, I had to do something
414
00:15:40,652 --> 00:15:43,039
'cause you were acting
like a little bi-atch!
415
00:15:43,122 --> 00:15:45,790
Oh! Well, I might've lost a thumb drive
416
00:15:45,791 --> 00:15:47,325
with "footage" of us on it.
417
00:15:47,326 --> 00:15:50,094
It could be nowhere.
It could be on the Internet!
418
00:15:50,095 --> 00:15:54,098
Well, I never read your hip-hop
"Goodfellas" screenplay.
419
00:15:54,099 --> 00:15:56,000
You said you loved "Hoodfellas."
420
00:15:56,035 --> 00:15:58,470
I lied.
421
00:15:58,471 --> 00:16:01,273
[Explosion]
422
00:16:03,943 --> 00:16:05,515
And here's your check.
423
00:16:05,646 --> 00:16:08,281
I took the Liberty
of adding a generous tip.
424
00:16:08,282 --> 00:16:09,882
Oh. That's fair.
425
00:16:14,085 --> 00:16:16,179
Man, this one was epic.
426
00:16:16,181 --> 00:16:18,649
Might take us months to recover.
427
00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:20,650
_
428
00:16:24,678 --> 00:16:25,845
Jack: Let go of it!
429
00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:27,396
Diane: No, it's mine! Give me it!
430
00:16:27,397 --> 00:16:28,397
I should break your arm.
431
00:16:28,398 --> 00:16:30,166
Zoey: Jack, that is disgusting!
432
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:31,781
But like all warring superpowers,
433
00:16:31,802 --> 00:16:33,936
nothing brings you back to the U.N.
434
00:16:33,937 --> 00:16:37,340
Like small annoying countries
acting like complete jackholes.
435
00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:39,531
Both: What the hell is going on?!
436
00:16:39,577 --> 00:16:41,144
Jack licked the leftover pizza.
437
00:16:41,145 --> 00:16:42,745
They ate the rest without me.
438
00:16:42,746 --> 00:16:44,581
All right, look, everybody,
shut up or there's gonna be
439
00:16:44,582 --> 00:16:46,182
a Valentime's Day massacre up in here.
440
00:16:46,183 --> 00:16:48,518
Diane: My babies. What the
hell did you guys do to Diane?
441
00:16:48,519 --> 00:16:50,920
You have pretty eyes.
442
00:16:50,921 --> 00:16:52,555
You have fluffy fur.
443
00:16:52,556 --> 00:16:54,857
And you light up my life.
444
00:16:54,858 --> 00:16:56,392
We taught her how to be nice.
445
00:16:56,393 --> 00:16:58,961
You broke my baby girl. Fix her.
446
00:16:58,962 --> 00:17:00,530
- But it's really...
- Now!
447
00:17:00,531 --> 00:17:01,731
Okay. Come on.
448
00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:06,062
Oh, God. Valentine's day sucks.
449
00:17:06,103 --> 00:17:09,572
Dre, I'm so tired,
and I want to go to bed,
450
00:17:09,573 --> 00:17:11,507
but I can't go to bed
when I'm this mad at you.
451
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:12,976
I won't be able to sleep, either,
452
00:17:12,977 --> 00:17:14,344
because you're gonna be doing
453
00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:16,279
that angry toss-and-turn
pillow-punch thing.
454
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,580
You know what the worst part is?
455
00:17:17,581 --> 00:17:19,015
- What?
- I was gonna change.
456
00:17:19,116 --> 00:17:21,050
I was gonna change!
457
00:17:21,051 --> 00:17:23,853
I didn't even want to wear this
until you said something.
458
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:25,522
- I don't even know why I said it.
- Me neither.
459
00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:28,324
The romper gives you
an amazing bubble butt.
460
00:17:28,325 --> 00:17:31,628
Baby, it's so round. So sexy.
461
00:17:32,963 --> 00:17:33,963
Thank you.
462
00:17:33,964 --> 00:17:35,565
You're welcome.
463
00:17:35,566 --> 00:17:36,195
Why?
464
00:17:36,234 --> 00:17:38,035
Why do we keep going?
465
00:17:38,036 --> 00:17:40,437
With so many chances
to stop this pointless fight.
466
00:17:40,438 --> 00:17:42,673
We should've done everything
different tonight.
467
00:17:42,674 --> 00:17:44,841
- Ah.
- Hey.
468
00:17:44,842 --> 00:17:46,543
Hey, babe, do you think I should change?
469
00:17:46,544 --> 00:17:48,044
Hells, no!
470
00:17:48,045 --> 00:17:50,796
That romper is the bomb diggity.
471
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:52,249
[Chuckles]
472
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:54,418
GPS voice: Drive 300 feetto Fabiano's Cucina.
473
00:17:54,419 --> 00:17:57,287
Aww, Dre, my favorite.
474
00:17:57,288 --> 00:17:58,555
Hi, is that an...
475
00:17:58,556 --> 00:18:01,792
Save it, lady.
I'm here to eat with my husband.
476
00:18:01,793 --> 00:18:03,260
Any questions about the menu?
477
00:18:03,261 --> 00:18:04,828
Nope. Chicken.
478
00:18:04,829 --> 00:18:06,263
Yeah! [Both chuckle]
479
00:18:06,264 --> 00:18:07,679
Happy Valentime's Day.
480
00:18:07,732 --> 00:18:10,134
Oh, I love it when you say Valentime's.
481
00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:11,635
I know you do.
482
00:18:12,737 --> 00:18:14,138
That would've been better.
483
00:18:14,139 --> 00:18:16,807
So much better.
484
00:18:16,808 --> 00:18:18,609
[Sighs]
485
00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:20,978
Then again... and I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, all right...
486
00:18:20,979 --> 00:18:23,347
But it was kind of nice
to go a couple of rounds.
487
00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:25,683
It helps us get stuff off our chests.
488
00:18:25,684 --> 00:18:27,251
You know, honestly...
489
00:18:27,252 --> 00:18:28,852
- Hmm?
- I can't argue with that.
490
00:18:28,853 --> 00:18:31,922
I mean, I just feel like if you
hold stuff in for too long,
491
00:18:31,924 --> 00:18:34,171
eventually, it's gonna blow up
at the wrong time.
492
00:18:34,260 --> 00:18:36,328
Ooh, ooh, baby, guess who I think I saw
493
00:18:36,328 --> 00:18:37,861
at the restaurant tonight?
494
00:18:37,862 --> 00:18:39,163
Gene Hackman.
495
00:18:39,164 --> 00:18:40,531
[Chuckles]
496
00:18:40,532 --> 00:18:41,498
What? Oh. Oh.
497
00:18:41,499 --> 00:18:42,933
You like it rough today, huh?
498
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:44,068
Happy Valenti...
499
00:18:44,069 --> 00:18:45,757
[Muffled shouting]
500
00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:47,805
Wow. Ugly.
501
00:18:47,806 --> 00:18:49,173
Yes.
502
00:18:49,174 --> 00:18:50,975
I love you.
503
00:18:50,976 --> 00:18:52,610
I don't want to kill you.
504
00:18:52,611 --> 00:18:55,112
You know we could go the other way, too.
505
00:18:55,113 --> 00:18:56,647
Mm.
506
00:18:56,648 --> 00:18:57,748
- Oh, babe.
- What?
507
00:18:57,749 --> 00:18:59,784
Have you seen my Billy Ocean t-shirt?
508
00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:01,485
What?! That's it!
509
00:19:01,486 --> 00:19:05,022
Feel free to remarry,
and find the kids a good dad.
510
00:19:05,023 --> 00:19:06,057
Aah!
511
00:19:06,058 --> 00:19:07,224
[Thud]
512
00:19:07,225 --> 00:19:09,875
Are we a bad couple
for going at it like that?
513
00:19:09,895 --> 00:19:11,596
- I mean, we went ballistic.
- Face it, babe.
514
00:19:11,597 --> 00:19:13,631
We're both strong-ass cups of tea
515
00:19:13,632 --> 00:19:15,466
who do not like to back down.
516
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,235
- No, we do not.
- Mnh-mnh.
517
00:19:17,236 --> 00:19:21,000
Which is why the good people at Hallmark
invented Valentime's Day.
518
00:19:21,174 --> 00:19:22,741
- Ah. Huh.
- Babe.
519
00:19:22,742 --> 00:19:24,643
It's our fight night.
520
00:19:24,644 --> 00:19:26,444
It really is.
521
00:19:26,445 --> 00:19:28,146
Get up, get up, get up, get up
522
00:19:28,147 --> 00:19:30,218
It's also when we do our best making up.
523
00:19:30,416 --> 00:19:31,316
Mm-hmm.
524
00:19:31,317 --> 00:19:32,517
_
525
00:19:32,518 --> 00:19:36,221
Oh, baby, now let's get down tonight
526
00:19:36,222 --> 00:19:37,960
when I get that feeling Seriously, though... hmm?
527
00:19:37,990 --> 00:19:39,490
-
I want sexual healing - You're gonna read "Hoodfellas."
528
00:19:39,491 --> 00:19:41,792
- I really don't want to.
- It's okay. I'll read it to you.
529
00:19:41,809 --> 00:19:44,218
-
Sexual healing - No.
530
00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:47,828
"These days, it's all different.
"The action's gone.
531
00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:49,562
"Can't even get good grub.
532
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:53,218
"Last week, I tried to order chicken and
waffles and got tofu and quinoa.
533
00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:57,617
"I'm an average homeboy.
"Get to live the rest of my life
534
00:19:57,618 --> 00:19:59,618
"like a schnookity-schnook."
535
00:19:59,619 --> 00:20:01,619
What do you think?
536
00:20:03,776 --> 00:20:05,776
Goodbye.
537
00:20:05,777 --> 00:20:07,777
- Aah!
- Bow, no!
538
00:20:07,778 --> 00:20:09,242
I loved it.
539
00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:10,703
Really?
540
00:20:10,704 --> 00:20:12,704
Want to read "Hood Will Hunting"?
541
00:20:12,705 --> 00:20:14,705
No.
542
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,596
- I want to digest this.
- Oh.
543
00:20:17,646 --> 00:20:22,196
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