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1
00:00:01,367 --> 00:00:03,367
( blues theme playing )
2
00:00:24,323 --> 00:00:27,426
I know, I know, I'm late.
Who's up?
3
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,094
Uh, John,
why do you have that--?
4
00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:30,061
Come on, come on, who's up?
5
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:31,996
Okay, your cousin Berry called.
6
00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:33,665
He finished your taxes.
Oh, great.
7
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,934
Uh, what else you got?
8
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:38,236
Uh, um, Mr. Gordon is in 1.
9
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:39,938
Thank you. That's better.
10
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,173
Uh, John?
11
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:43,308
It ate my quarter.
12
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,409
It shouldn't have done that.
13
00:00:50,182 --> 00:00:51,316
Hi.
14
00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:53,418
Whoa.
15
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,620
I mean, hi.
16
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,622
I'm here to empty
the hazardous waste bins.
17
00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,424
I'm Lester from RidTox.
18
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:02,194
I'm Linda from here.
19
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,262
I'll just empty the bins
and be on my way.
20
00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:12,203
Oh, my God!
21
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,505
MARGARET:
Linda,
22
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,841
reel your tongue back in.
23
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,543
Margaret, did you see that guy?
24
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:22,147
You could use his butt
as a trampoline.
25
00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:23,582
Well, this is a doctor's office.
26
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,284
You bounce on your own time.
27
00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:28,486
But, Margaret, you have no idea
how hard it is
28
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,422
for me to meet guys.
29
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,457
You?
I don't mean your usual creeps,
30
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:33,958
perverts and minor criminals.
31
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,462
I mean professional men
like Lester.
32
00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,897
Oh, so you're saying
that you want a guy
33
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:42,234
who's around chemicals
and fumes all day.
34
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,102
Okay.
35
00:01:45,003 --> 00:01:46,204
Actually,
36
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,507
he may be perfect for you.
37
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,075
( giggles )
38
00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:53,979
Mr. Gordon, what's new?
39
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:56,348
I want an AIDS test.
40
00:01:58,184 --> 00:02:01,653
L-l-let's go back
to "What's new?"
41
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:05,222
You see, doctor, I started
dating a younger woman.
42
00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:07,859
She's 65.
43
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,495
And her parents
are okay with that?
44
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,663
Let-- Let me
ask you something.
45
00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:16,601
W-when was the last time
you had sex?
46
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,937
1986.
47
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,705
Well, that's what
we in the medical profession
48
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:23,074
call "a very long time."
49
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,108
Oh.
50
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,877
You-- You don't need this test.
51
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,512
But I read the papers.
52
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,714
I wanna be safe
and responsible.
53
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:33,217
Yeah. Any safer,
you'd be in different cities.
54
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:36,221
All right, all right,
if you insist.
55
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:38,489
Uh, I'm gonna have to
draw some blood here
56
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:41,459
and ask you some questions.
57
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:44,095
Have you ever had
a blood transfusion?
58
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,229
No.
59
00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:47,732
Any, uh, IV drug use?
60
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:49,100
No.
61
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:51,369
Homosexual activity?
62
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:54,206
No.
63
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,541
And I think I'd remember.
64
00:02:59,545 --> 00:03:03,915
Although I did black out
for a few hours on V-J Day.
65
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,249
( blues theme playing )
66
00:03:08,086 --> 00:03:10,021
( blues theme playing )
67
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,468
What's with the toothpick?
68
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,404
You know, what are you,
Neil Armstrong,
69
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:29,541
claiming this burger
for all mankind?
70
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,542
It's a garnish, sue me.
71
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,378
I'm trying to give the place
a lift.
72
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,613
If that's what you're after,
why don't you try scraping
73
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:37,014
the grime off the walls
74
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:39,851
and emptying the dead bugs
out of the light fixtures?
75
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:40,819
JAKE:
I don't know, John.
76
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,186
It kind of dresses things up.
77
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:43,220
I like it.
78
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:45,623
Like it? You can't even see it.
79
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,491
You know, you didn't
think of that, did you, Reg?
80
00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:49,160
I mean, Jake here
could put his eye out
81
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:52,197
with one of these things,
82
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,399
or I could puncture
the roof of my mouth.
83
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,533
This puncture,
84
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:58,536
would it shut you up
for a couple of days?
85
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,272
Yeah, bite me.
86
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,306
( grunts )
87
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,207
Jake, grabbing a paper here.
All right.
88
00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:06,144
( phone rings )
89
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,112
Hello? Margaret.
90
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,881
Yeah, he is here.
Do you wanna--?
91
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,384
Okay, I'll tell him.
92
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:13,685
Uh, Margaret said to tell you
93
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,687
that your accountant's
on his way over here.
94
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,721
Oh, crap.
95
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:17,922
I gotta get outta here.
96
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,724
You're afraid
of an accountant?
97
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:22,127
You are a pansy.
98
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,662
You know, shut up, will you?
99
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,797
The guy's also my cousin.
He's a real pain in the ass.
100
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:26,798
Hi, Berry.
101
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,466
Heh-heh-heh-heh. Hey.
102
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:30,201
How you doing, buddy?
103
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:31,703
H-how did you find me?
104
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:32,703
Well, it wasn't too tough.
105
00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:34,205
You have 365 receipts
106
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,040
from the same restaurant.
107
00:04:37,809 --> 00:04:42,179
Uh, Reg, Jake,
this is my cousin, Berry Becker.
108
00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:43,348
Hey.
109
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:44,949
( shouts ):
How you doing?
110
00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:49,120
So, John, I got your tax return.
111
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,588
You know, I got you
one hell of a refund
112
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:52,357
for someone
who doesn't make much money.
113
00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,959
Oh, thanks for sharing that
with everybody.
114
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,462
Hey, Reg,
can I get a cup of coffee?
115
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,963
Oh, sure, Berry. No problem.
116
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:02,767
Oh, God, you're staying?
117
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,669
So you knew John as a kid, huh?
118
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:05,737
( all chuckle )
119
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,472
Let me ask you a question--
120
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:10,241
Exactly the same. He just
bitched in a higher voice.
121
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,609
( Jake and Reg chuckle )
122
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,511
Here you go, John.
123
00:05:14,913 --> 00:05:17,348
What do I owe you?
Tell you what.
124
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:19,216
Why don't you come over
to the house for dinner,
125
00:05:19,218 --> 00:05:20,785
and we'll just call it even?
126
00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:23,688
Can I just pay you?
127
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,523
Come on,
Melissa's dying to see you,
128
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,358
and how often do we ask you
over to the house?
129
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,493
Once a year.
130
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,395
Come over tonight,
it'll be fun.
131
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:32,530
"Fun" and "Becker": Two words
that don't often bump up
132
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:34,566
against each other.
133
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,600
Shut up, will you, Jake?
Listen, I can't do it.
134
00:05:36,602 --> 00:05:38,970
I'm afraid, uh, I got
something tonight with Reg.
135
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,706
You remember we were gonna
go to that place?
136
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,241
Oh, no!
137
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:46,044
See, it turns out that place
is closed for renovation.
138
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,145
They have to scrape
the grime off the walls
139
00:05:48,147 --> 00:05:52,384
and empty the dead bugs
out of the light fixtures.
140
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,252
Terrific, so we're on.
141
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,154
No, no, not yet.
See, I got confused here.
142
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,988
Jake, this is the night
I'm supposed to take you
143
00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:00,124
to see that guy, right?
144
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:02,092
Oh, I can talk now?
I don't have to shut up?
145
00:06:02,094 --> 00:06:03,160
Hey, don't--
No.
146
00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:04,462
That's not until next week.
147
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:05,697
( chuckles )
148
00:06:06,598 --> 00:06:08,967
John, if I am one thing,
what am I?
149
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,467
Annoying?
No, persistent.
150
00:06:10,469 --> 00:06:12,536
And you know I'm just gonna
keep bugging you
151
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,739
and bugging you
until you say yes.
152
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:17,475
All right, yes. I'll be there.
153
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:18,643
See? Ha-ha-ha.
154
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,211
Tonight, 6:00. See you then.
155
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,245
Nice to meet you two.
156
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:22,946
Nice to meet you.
157
00:06:22,948 --> 00:06:24,516
Oh, this is great.
158
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,217
Now I gotta drive
all the way out to New Jersey
159
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,385
in the middle of rush hour.
160
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,619
Yeah, I barely know the guy.
161
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:31,288
The only thing we have in common
is a hundred years ago
162
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:34,359
my great-grandpa
knocked up his great-grandma.
163
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,360
Reg, let me have two
of my cigarettes there,
164
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:37,595
will you please?
165
00:06:37,597 --> 00:06:40,165
I'm gonna need them
to get through this night.
166
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:42,934
Good, Becker. Killing your pain
with cigarettes.
167
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,202
Hey, how many times
I gotta tell you,
168
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,569
you kill pain with liquor.
169
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:48,173
You ease stress with cigarettes.
170
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,474
BECKER:
You know, y-you don't
171
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:52,277
have to be a doctor
to know this stuff, Reg.
172
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,111
( blues theme playing )
173
00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:07,792
Well... Ha-ha.
174
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,927
I must say, John,
I was pleasantly surprised
175
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,464
when Berry called
and told me you were coming.
176
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:15,567
I just wished
I'd had a little more notice.
177
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,401
Well, I tried--
I tried to call you, sweetheart,
178
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:19,771
but the line was busy
for over two hours.
179
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,006
So how is your mother,
by the way? Heh-heh-heh.
180
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:24,075
Oh, he never misses a chance
181
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,277
to take a swipe at my mother.
182
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,980
Well, everybody needs a hobby.
Am I right, John?
183
00:07:29,915 --> 00:07:31,148
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
184
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,817
( Melissa laughs )
185
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:35,186
Well, I thought
you had a hobby, dear.
186
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,889
Sitting in front of
that big screen TV,
187
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:41,025
watching every sports event
under the sun.
188
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,427
It kills her
that there's one pleasure
189
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:44,395
she hasn't denied me yet.
190
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,364
Hee-hee. Believe me,
it's on my list.
191
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,732
( giggles )
192
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:51,236
Oh. Oh, John,
we're a smoke-free house.
193
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,938
Yeah, what about the neighbors?
194
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,807
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, you-- You kill me.
195
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,110
So, John, you wanna see
pictures of the kids?
196
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,645
God, no. I-I mean...
197
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,848
you know, God, not again.
198
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:04,716
( bell dings )
199
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:05,817
Oh.
Ah.
200
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,452
Time to take the roast
out of the oven.
201
00:08:10,589 --> 00:08:13,724
Oh, that's okay, Berry.
I'll get it.
202
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,163
What the hell's goin' on here?
203
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,731
What are you talking about?
The two of you.
204
00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:22,934
It's like you're about ready
to kill each other.
205
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:25,803
What? No, just normal
husband-wife stuff.
206
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,104
Although she is a little annoyed
207
00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:29,274
you just popped over here
like this.
208
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:33,044
Well, didn't you tell her
you invited me?
209
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,746
Hey, hey, hey, I'm on your side.
210
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,447
Side? You know,
why do we need sides?
211
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,015
Dammit, Berry,
this always happens.
212
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,618
You're always dragging me
into the middle of your crap!
213
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:41,886
What?
What was it the last time?
214
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,922
The great vasectomy debate.
215
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:44,922
Yeah, thanks a lot, by the way.
216
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:46,991
Ouch!
217
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:50,194
John, you've forgotten what it's
like to be married, haven't you?
218
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,496
No, I haven't. This is exactly
what it's like, you know.
219
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,933
You could cut the tension
with a knife.
220
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,100
( laughs ):
You think this is tense?
221
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,035
Oh, yeah, you should've been
here last summer.
222
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,103
It was crazy.
223
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,671
I was having the house painted,
224
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:02,840
her brother was going through
detox in the den,
225
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:05,610
and then I was having that
little thing with my secretary.
226
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,644
What?
227
00:09:07,646 --> 00:09:08,913
You had an affair?
228
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:11,182
No, not an affair, a thing.
It was one time.
229
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,418
Ancient history.
Everything's fine now.
230
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,153
MELISSA:
The dinner rolls are browning, and then we'll be ready to eat.
231
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:18,589
It's taking a little longer
than I expected,
232
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:22,460
but it's the best I can do
with that old oven.
233
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,629
BERRY:
Melissa, don't start.
234
00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:25,863
Old oven, new oven.
235
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,331
What's the difference?
Heat is heat.
236
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:28,366
Am I right, John?
237
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,067
Who cares?
238
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,903
All you have to do in this house
is mention anything new,
239
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,340
and Berry thinks
it's a complete waste of money.
240
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,475
She wouldn't be saying that
if she were the one out there
241
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,277
busting her ass
to make the money.
242
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,344
Hey, what do--? What do you say
243
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,346
we look at some
kids' pictures, huh?
244
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:44,716
( sighs )
That's right. I don't work.
245
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:47,585
I just stay at home
and take care of the children.
246
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,320
And I'm the only one
on the block
247
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,621
who does it without any help.
248
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,090
Good for you. That's--
249
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,757
If she wants help,
she should get the therapist
250
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,026
to come over here and vacuum
251
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,861
while she bitches
about her mother.
252
00:09:56,863 --> 00:10:00,765
Well, at least my mother
lets me live my own life.
253
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,201
He still calls his "Mommy."
254
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,902
It's a term of affection.
255
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,904
You remember affection,
don't you?
256
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,338
It's a distant memory,
257
00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:10,441
much like our sex life.
258
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,242
Oh, you know, that's it.
I've had it!
259
00:10:12,244 --> 00:10:13,911
You know,
there's a kind of insanity
260
00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:16,280
back in the city
that I understand, but you two,
261
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,116
you've taken crazy
to a whole new level.
262
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,384
I mean, this is why I hate
coming to New Jersey.
263
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:22,486
Far as I'm concerned,
they should tear down the bridge
264
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:25,255
and block both the tunnels.
265
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:27,324
Is this what you people do
in suburbia?
266
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:29,326
Argue about appliances
and money?
267
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,562
Have affairs, go to therapy?
268
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,231
Affairs?
269
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,904
( blues theme playing )
270
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,843
( blues theme playing )
271
00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:53,017
Little tip:
272
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,619
No matter how much
someone begs you,
273
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,854
never ever get involved
with family.
274
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:59,289
It just bites you in the ass.
What happened?
275
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:01,525
I got involved with family,
and it bit me in the ass.
276
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,895
Pay attention, will you?
277
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,596
I thought you just went there
for dinner.
278
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,965
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
279
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,666
Berry and his wife
got in a big fight,
280
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:10,935
and now he's living with me.
281
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:11,969
You know, it's--
282
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:13,070
It's only been one night,
283
00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:15,572
a-and his mood swings
are driving me crazy.
284
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:17,208
You know, if he's not
pacing around,
285
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,809
speed-loading Oreos,
286
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,744
he's curled up
in a fetal position,
287
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:23,314
moaning about how no one
will ever love him again.
288
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,282
I swear, you know, if I wanted
to live with a chick,
289
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,552
I'd get married again.
290
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:30,254
There's so much that offends me
in that sentence,
291
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:32,122
I don't even know where
to begin.
292
00:11:34,225 --> 00:11:36,360
Morning, Reggie, Jake.
293
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,461
Oh, brother.
294
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,064
Oh, John, when I woke up
this morning, you were gone.
295
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:43,101
Did you have an appointment
to wreck someone else's life?
296
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,201
For the 50th time,
297
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,070
I thought she knew about
the affair.
298
00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:48,473
Y-you told me
like it was no big deal.
299
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:52,009
It was no big deal because
my wife didn't know about it!
300
00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:56,246
Gee, Becker,
I know I'm just a chick,
301
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:57,981
but it seems like you left
a little something
302
00:11:57,983 --> 00:11:59,584
out of that story.
303
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,751
So you opened your big mouth
304
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,253
where you shouldn't have,
huh, John?
305
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,789
Hey, shut up, will you, guys?
306
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,624
Because of someone in this room,
307
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:09,360
my wife will probably
divorce me now!
308
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,195
Then I'll lose my house.
309
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:13,598
End up some pathetic loser
who walks the streets
310
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,000
yelling at total strangers.
311
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:20,604
Wow, genetics
is a frightening thing.
312
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:23,040
Hey, you know, I-I-I don't wanna
listen to this anymore.
313
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,109
Have--
Have a nice day, you guys.
314
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:27,779
You're not gonna
just leave him here with us?
315
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,013
Oh, come on, he just needs
a little time
316
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:30,848
to pull his life together,
that's all.
317
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:33,550
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I can't work.
318
00:12:33,552 --> 00:12:34,919
I know, I'll get
a bottle of bourbon
319
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,554
and drink myself to death.
320
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,656
There, see?
He's already got a plan.
321
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,357
( blues theme playing )
322
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,568
Mr. Gordon, good news.
323
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,205
Your HIV test
came back negative.
324
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,008
That's a relief.
325
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,310
You know, that test came back
awfully fast.
326
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,612
Are you sure it was accurate?
Maybe you should do it again.
327
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,415
Yeah, Mr. Gordon, sit down here
for a minute, will you, please?
328
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,750
Look, you--
329
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:08,585
You didn't need that test,
and you know it.
330
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:10,321
What--? What's goin' on?
331
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:12,923
Oh, all right.
332
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,125
You see, Dr. Becker,
333
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,461
my lady friend is wonderful.
334
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:21,065
She laughs at my jokes,
we like the same food.
335
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:24,601
She even lets me watch TV
with my pants unbuttoned.
336
00:13:26,204 --> 00:13:28,940
Well, there's a picture for you.
337
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,841
A-and whether I like it or not,
338
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:33,978
I think sex...
339
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,113
is the next logical step.
340
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,448
I-I haven't been with a woman
341
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,685
since my wife passed away, and--
342
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,320
And I've heard it's, uh,
343
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,255
different.
344
00:13:46,224 --> 00:13:47,891
I-I get
all the medical journals.
345
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:50,928
Nothing new has crossed my desk.
346
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:54,632
But I've seen those magazines
at the supermarket.
347
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:57,101
"How to Please A Woman."
348
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,237
( groans )
"The Rules Have Changed."
349
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:02,839
"Right Orgasm, Wrong Orgasm."
350
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:05,109
Who knew there was
more than one kind?
351
00:14:06,511 --> 00:14:08,479
Mr. Gordon,
the rules haven't changed.
352
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,714
They're just enforcing them now.
353
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,187
Look, you, uh-- You used to work
in the garment district, right?
354
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,254
Forty years.
Right.
355
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:19,190
Well, what people want
from their sex
356
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,558
is pretty much what they want
from their clothes.
357
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:26,197
You know, better quality
and more attention to detail.
358
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,065
Look, the most important thing
is to remember that--
359
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,768
That both people
should enjoy themselves.
360
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,303
Both people?
361
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:35,506
Times have changed.
362
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,407
( blues theme playing )
363
00:14:41,245 --> 00:14:43,881
Bye, Mr. Gordon.
Have a good night.
364
00:14:44,682 --> 00:14:46,784
With God's help.
365
00:14:50,555 --> 00:14:51,221
( gasps )
366
00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:53,658
Easy, Linda,
367
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:56,893
don't put it all out there.
368
00:14:56,895 --> 00:14:59,129
Well, put some of it
out there.
369
00:14:59,898 --> 00:15:01,098
Hi.
370
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,333
Hi.
I was in the neighborhood,
371
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,901
and the liftgate
got stuck on my truck.
372
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,971
When I tried to force it open,
I think I wrenched my back.
373
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:09,073
You think the doctor
could take a look at it for me?
374
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,542
Sure. Uh, Linda...
375
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:12,543
Huh?
376
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:15,012
Why don't you check Lester in?
377
00:15:15,014 --> 00:15:17,715
I could do that.
378
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,816
Come with me.
379
00:15:21,519 --> 00:15:23,387
Down the hallway.
380
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,625
( mouths ):
Oh, my God!
381
00:15:33,164 --> 00:15:34,966
Okay, let's get on the table.
382
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:37,802
I mean,
let's get you on the table.
383
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,437
Should I take my shirt off?
384
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,938
Okay.
385
00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:47,244
Now what?
386
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:48,512
Huh?
387
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,013
Oh, uh,
388
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:52,882
I just need to ask you
a few questions.
389
00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:54,919
Um, first time
seeing the doctor?
390
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,320
Yeah.
That's a check.
391
00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:58,823
How would you describe
your general health?
392
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,091
Good.
393
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,458
Excellent, another check.
394
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,260
Marital status?
Well, that's easy.
395
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:06,197
You don't wear a ring.
You're single, big check.
396
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,398
No, no, I'm married.
397
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,932
I-I don't wear my ring
when I'm working,
398
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,202
'cause the metal
reacts with the chemicals.
399
00:16:12,670 --> 00:16:15,139
The doctor will be
right with you.
400
00:16:16,808 --> 00:16:18,809
Yeah, but it--
It hurts when I go like--
401
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,876
Yeah, yeah, life's a bitch.
402
00:16:19,878 --> 00:16:21,312
Tell your wife.
403
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,447
( blues theme playing )
404
00:16:28,352 --> 00:16:30,254
( blues theme playing )
405
00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:37,194
This is Melissa and me
at a luau on Maui.
406
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:41,431
This is me and Melissa
at a luau on Oahu.
407
00:16:44,902 --> 00:16:46,537
This is me and Melissa
at a luau--
408
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,372
Berry, we're
willing to stipulate
409
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:51,007
that you and the missus
eat a lot of pork.
410
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:55,712
Oh, God, I miss her.
411
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:59,283
Whew. Excuse me,
I need a moment.
412
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:00,851
( Berry sighs )
JAKE: Well, this has been
413
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,120
the longest afternoon
of my life.
414
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:07,291
You're lucky you didn't actually
have to look at the pictures.
415
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:09,493
REGGIE: Becker!
What?
416
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,495
Oh, you gotta do something.
417
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:15,366
Berry's been here all day
going on and on about his wife.
418
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,567
I know he's your cousin,
419
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,769
but he's an incredible pain
in the ass.
420
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,937
He-- He's driving us crazy.
Please, tell him to go home.
421
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:23,039
All right, all right, all right.
Give him a break here.
422
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:25,609
He's going through
a rough period.
423
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:28,012
All right, I'll, uh--
I'll talk to him.
424
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,213
Ahem. Berry, uh...
425
00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:34,484
Let-- Let me say something
to you here.
426
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,052
You're an incredible pain
in the ass,
427
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:37,521
and you're
driving everybody crazy.
428
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:38,689
Go home.
429
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:42,126
Well done.
430
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:43,727
I-I'd love to go home.
431
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,029
I just-- I can't.
432
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:47,364
Melissa won't even take
my phone calls.
433
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:49,633
Maybe you can talk to her.
Oh, yeah, right. Like that--
434
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:52,136
That worked out so well
the last time.
435
00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:54,905
Ah, who am I kiddin'?
436
00:17:55,506 --> 00:17:57,574
She will never forgive me.
437
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,343
I am headed for one long,
438
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:02,179
messy, painful divorce.
439
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:03,914
And no matter how long it takes,
440
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,716
weeks, months, even years,
441
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:09,686
at least I know
I have you to lean on.
442
00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:12,756
Come on, John, let's go home.
443
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:17,995
I want Berry out of my life.
444
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:20,864
I really don't wanna
talk about it.
445
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,566
W-what are you doing?
W-what is this stuff?
446
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:24,368
I just agreed
to let you come over
447
00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:25,769
to pick up
the rest of his things.
448
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,438
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, these things belong here.
449
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,608
Just-- Just like Berry
belongs here.
450
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,309
You-- You two can work this out.
451
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,078
I'm afraid it's a little late
for that.
452
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:34,878
No, no, no, it's not.
453
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,179
Look, listen, Berry realizes
454
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:39,383
that he shouldn't have told you
about the affair.
455
00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:41,852
He didn't. You did.
456
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,421
Well, let's not fixate
on who said what to whom.
457
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:46,490
The point is to get two people
who love each other
458
00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:48,058
back together again.
459
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,261
No, I think it's best
he stays with you.
460
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,895
No, nobody wants that. Come on.
461
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:53,564
Listen, he--
He made one little mistake.
462
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,699
Can't you forgive him?
463
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:56,800
What's the point?
464
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,836
What? What do you mean,
what's the point?
465
00:19:00,438 --> 00:19:02,673
You know what hurts most?
466
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:06,410
Well, I thought Berry and I
had something special.
467
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:08,345
Oh, sure, we had our problems.
468
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,847
But I can't live with someone
469
00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:13,651
who no longer
finds me attractive.
470
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,252
W-what are you talking about?
471
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:17,454
Well, why else
would he have an affair?
472
00:19:17,456 --> 00:19:18,889
Oh, come on, please.
473
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,023
Listen, married guys have--
474
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:22,493
Have affairs for plenty
of different reasons.
475
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,627
They're-- They're bored.
476
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,329
You know. they wanna
recapture their youth.
477
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,363
Or sometimes it's just to--
478
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,965
To see if we can
get away with it.
479
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:32,669
What-- What I mean is, uh, you--
480
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:35,706
You are a very,
very attractive woman.
481
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,042
Oh, you're just being nice.
482
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,710
No, you know me.
I wouldn't do that.
483
00:19:41,312 --> 00:19:42,880
Really?
484
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,381
Absolutely.
I-I'll tell you something.
485
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,717
You know, when you got married,
486
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,519
I said to myself,
487
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:52,523
"Now, w-what did he do
to deserve a woman like that?"
488
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,258
Oh, that's so sweet!
489
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:56,860
Well, yeah.
490
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,361
Oh, thank you.
491
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,130
Oh, all right, well, yeah.
492
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:03,666
That's better, huh? That--
There you go, there you go.
493
00:20:03,668 --> 00:20:05,202
All right.
494
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:09,840
M-- W-why are we still hugging?
495
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:11,975
You're right.
496
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:13,177
Mm. No, no!
497
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:15,812
Mm. No, don't.
498
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:18,382
Mm. Oh, jeez.
499
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,884
No, Melissa.
Oh! Oh, my God!
500
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,253
Berry!
501
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:24,655
I told you to wait in the car
for a sign.
502
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,557
Does this look like a sign?
503
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,993
I asked you to help,
not help yourself.
504
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:29,994
BECKER:
Oh, please.
505
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,028
Nothing happened here.
506
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,364
I was just trying to
cheer her up.
507
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,100
Oh, so you didn't mean it
when you said I was attractive?
508
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,768
Sure I did.
You said she was attractive?
509
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:38,835
Well, I didn't mean it.
510
00:20:38,837 --> 00:20:40,704
What do you think could happen
in the two minutes
511
00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:42,339
since I left you out there?
512
00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:44,341
Oh, who are you kidding?
Two minutes is plenty of time.
513
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:45,341
Really?
514
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:50,280
Oh, just--
Just get away from my wife.
515
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,516
Look, honey,
516
00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:56,453
I made one big mistake,
and I'm sorry.
517
00:20:56,455 --> 00:20:59,757
I've always loved you,
and I always will.
518
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:00,957
And if you take me back,
519
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:04,261
I promise I'll do anything I can
to make it up to you.
520
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,197
Oh, come on. That--
That was good.
521
00:21:09,066 --> 00:21:10,634
Oh, Berry.
522
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:11,935
Come here.
523
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,903
All right, there you go.
See? Now you're kissing.
524
00:21:13,905 --> 00:21:15,439
That means you're
back together again.
525
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:18,075
He's-- He lives with you now.
526
00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:20,009
Oh, yeah, one more thing
before I go.
527
00:21:20,011 --> 00:21:22,212
And I-I-I mean this
from the bottom of my heart,
528
00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:23,913
and I can say it
because we're family.
529
00:21:23,915 --> 00:21:25,582
I don't like you two people.
530
00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:28,818
I don't care if we're related.
I never wanna see you again.
531
00:21:30,788 --> 00:21:33,257
Oh, crap!
532
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:36,526
Berry, you got my keys in there.
533
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,161
Berry.
534
00:21:39,530 --> 00:21:41,598
Oh, good Lord!
535
00:21:44,869 --> 00:21:47,637
Oh, well. What the hell.
536
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:49,473
I've got two minutes.
537
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,642
( blues theme playing )
538
00:21:55,213 --> 00:21:57,214
( blues theme playing )
539
00:21:57,264 --> 00:22:01,814
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