All language subtitles for Barely Famous s02e03 No Scrubs

??

Should we get a coffee before we go?

I already had one.

Oh, wait. Cindy Crawford's at valet.

Oh, yeah.

She's so pretty.

I feel like I'm just gonna
go say "hi" really fast.

Uh, do you know her?

Well, I mean, I...

Yeah, I know her, she sent me her book.

Okay, that sounds legit.

Cindy.

- Hi.
- How are you?

Oh, you look so beautiful.

It's great to see you.

- Thank you.
- Do you eat here a lot?

Um, first time, actually.

I love this place.

I have your book.

That's so nice. Thanks for buying it.

- No, no...
- I really appreciate that.

No, you sent... You sent me your book.

You wrote me a... Like,
a very personal note.

Such a nice handwritten...
Did you not write that note?

I probably approved it
or something, you know.

Oh, you approve... Oh, okay.

But anyway, how'd you like it?

- I learned so many things.
- Really?

Like, what was your takeaway?

Well, that's a hard question, 'cause...

You just said you
learned so many, though.

So many. Um, you know.

The cooking, and about, like, skin care.

There's no cooking.

Of course there was, there
was like that whole...

What was interesting was, you know,

I can relate to the whole mole thing.

- You can?
- Yes, because I mean,

- my moles, I was always...
- What, where?

What are you talking about?

I have these two moles
here. These bad boys.

Remember, when you were a kid, you
always wanted to get rid of those moles.

You always said moles are so ugly.

I thought about taking
them off, but you know what?

I didn't think that would be
right to mess with my body,

like, I don't want to do
work, you know what I mean?

I just, I... I really
stand for "naturality."

Really?

Hmm.

Oh, sorry, I was just
distracted by your fake boobs.

I don't know what just
happened, oh, my God.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

(man) Erin, how's
your dating life going?

My dating life is
really on an upswing.

A big upswing.

Life is getting a lot better now
that you're dating Zach Braff.

Oh, name-dropper over here.

Other people see Zach,
they see a celebrity.

But you don't?

- "Garden State."
- "Scrubs."

I just see a boy, standing
in front of a girl,

trying to love her.

??

All right, you got all your goodies?

Yes, thank you so
much for all the gifts.

- Sure.
- And the flowers.

Uh, hey. There you go.

Thank you. It's a Land Rover.

Dating Zach, I realized he's
just not what I expected.

I kinda thought he was gonna
be, like, just out of reach,

kind of like a player,

but he's been really sweet.

Calls me, you know, like, every day.

He wants to meet my friends.

Sometimes I'm like, we're
not married, slow down.

God forbid he acts like he's into you.

You look beautiful in
your horizontal stripes.

Thank you.

You never looked more
beautiful since I met you.

Thank you.

So sweet, you're always so sweet.

Always so sweet.

Sorry, it's annoying
when you just keep...

You're, like, rubbing one spot.

Sorry.

Why can you not handle it
when guys are nice to you?

I have really low self-esteem.

Learning that right now, as I say it.

I've always known that.

??

Erin!

Look at all this stuff
that was outside for you.

Your man is into you, you're welcome.

We get it, Zach.

I'm feeling the romance.

What's your problem with him now?

He's, just, like, into me,

and, like, nice to me
and, just, like, romantic,

and, like, emotionally available.

It, like, doesn't make sense.

Erin, as your manager, let me tell you,

get through all these issues.

I have a lot of meetings set up for you

and I need you to have
your head in the game.

It's just, like, be normal already.

Normal is, like, Google pictures
of my sister in a bikini,

like, that's the (bleep) I'm used to.

This stuff is, like,
out of my comfort zone.

My baggage is, like, an
airport full, it's sad.

Don't talk crap on Zach.

Do not mess it up for either one of us.

What's this have to do with you?

Oh, he's gonna take me
to the Vanity Fair party,

- 'cause you didn't wanna go.
- I do wanna go.

Oh, I told him you didn't,
so I'm going with him.

You know, it's not important.

What's most important is my celebrity.

I'm gonna take it to the next level.

I am joining a new squad.

Nowadays, if you surround
yourself with the right women,

squad, it bumps you up that much higher.

??

You guys, I am so excited to
be having lunch with you all.

I have been really looking
at a bunch of different squads

and this is the squad that
I wanted to be a part of.

I am so excited!

You know, it's about
supporting each other.

It's just really a time for women.

Totally.

And that's something
that we really celebrate

and we really came together with that.

Squads, they stand
for women empowerment.

It's all about including other women,

making other women feel
good, uplifting them.

I'd love to join that
squad, it sounds awesome.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not...

It's not for people like you.

Hmm.

- One, two, three.
- Hi.

Thank you.

All right, I'll text this out.

Oh, God, I need highlights.

Has anyone gotten to
Tracy Cunningham this week?

Sara, just give us a moment.

We like to post what
we're doing at brunch

before we actually have brunch.

Oh, God, of course.

I have so much business going
on, too, I just wanted to, like,

leave it at home to
just, you know, squad out.

Okay, I'm starving, I'm so hungry.

Sara, we're networking,
and we also like to help

each other with all our social media,

so that it works together
so we can promote our brands.

Yeah.

You had me so worried
there for a second,

I thought you thought we
were, like, hanging out here.

No!

What do you mean? Who has time for that?

Actually, and can you
guys hashtag my cookbook?

"Kitchen Revelry,"
R-E-V-E-L-R-Y,

AliLarter.com.

Oh, wait, will you guys do
me a favor and hashtag Rolex?

Well, I just did Louis Vuitton, so...

That's good, that's good for us.

Sara, so what product do
you want us to hashtag?

You know, uh...

Do you have a brand or... ?

You do have a brand, right?

Sara, what's your hashtag?

- Sorry, what?
- What's your hashtag?

Okay, I know you told me never
to show up here unannounced,

- but...
- Yeah.

Sorry, but this is very important.

I need a brand to endorse me.

Everyone in my squad has a brand.

What about a beauty, like a lipstick?

Lipsticks are kinda for the...

(clicking tongue)

Let me look at the roster.

- Okay.
- Airline, that feels too big.

There's a bottled water
company, but you're too old.

- Yeah.
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no, okay.

- Okay.
- How about...

- Fresh Lakes vaginal wipes?
- Mmm.

- I mean, that's
you. - Mm-hmm.

Is that like a... Like a douche?

- Mm-hmm. -
Like a douche?

Like a wipe. Like a douche wipe.

Yes.

I can't talk about it
more without HR coming in.

- So, I mean, you know.
- (laughing)

I don't think you're understanding.

- Keep scrolling, let's keep scrolling.
- Okay, okay.

Um... Okay.

- Oh.
- You like cars.

- Yes.
- You like driving.

- Jaguar.
- Gettin' around.

- Yeah.
- Tire Queen.

Problem solved.

If you're willing to take that squad,

you could show up there
with a bunch of people.

They've got a store opening in Whittier.

They'll pay you a bunch of
money if you live-tweet it.

I was just thinking
along the lines of...

Rolex and Lululemon and...

They...

are not thinking along the lines of you?

Maybe you want to try the products?

Hey, Daria, Sara Foster
needs a Tire Queen shirt

and a package of the vaginal wipes!

Can you stop saying Sara
Foster needs vaginal wipes?

??

(door opening)

Okay, I have to talk
to you about something.

This has been literally
the worst day of my life.

Okay, so we'll just do your thing first.

- Uh, yes.
- Great.

Uh, are you aware that in
order to join a powerful squad,

you have to have some sort of product?

So I went to the network.

This is what they have for me.

You know what these are? Vaginal wipes.

Have you ever even heard of this?

- Something to, like...
- No, I've never heard of those.

Okay, Abbey said that you have these.

Okay, I have something really
important to talk to you about.

Let's not make this about you right now.

Well, I'm pregnant, so.

Oh...

Oh my God!

- Yeah.
- Erin!

I know. It's there, I did a test.

It's, like, the real thing.

This is good news.

- This is...
- Yeah, it is.

I'm so happy for you, Erin.

Having a celebrity's baby.

- It might be.
- Hmm?

What do you mean it
might be a celebrity baby?

I, like, had full
intercourse also with, like,

this, like, random valet guy.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

All right, well, I'm not gonna
tell you what you should do,

but you can't have a valet's baby, so...

(clicking tongue)

Do what?

I don't feel comfortable saying
it, but, like, I have my guy.

(exhaling)

What were you thinking when
you slept with a valet Parker?

He was just so rude to me.

Hey, yo, what's up, Erin?

And dismissive.

The flowers are nice, but
they're a little wilted.

Maybe a little dead.

And, like, treated me
like a piece of garbage.

You shouldn't do horizontal
stripes, though, Erin.

Then I was like, ugh, this
like, feels comfortable.

That's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

We have to figure out who
the father of this baby is.

With Ryan, the valet guy, we
only had sex once, but I, like,

can't remember if we
used a condom or not.

You're gonna text him and you're
gonna find out like an adult.

Dear valet... What's his name again?

Ryan!

Ry... I knew that.

Just write, "Hey, it's me,

the slutty blonde you
banged the other day?"

Hmm, then he'll remember me.

Should I use an emoji?

Eggplant, raincoat, question mark?

That could work.

"Hey, did we use a condom?" Send, done.

Oh, my God.

You know, I got myself
into a bad situation,

but the universe is
talking to me and saying,

Erin, this is what's right for you.

You're put on this
earth to have children.

So, I really hope Zach is my baby daddy.

- Definitely want it to be Zach's.
- Okay.

He's really, really sweet.

Having Zach Braff's baby is plan A.

Having the valet's baby...

is planned parenthood.

So basically, if he says that we
used a condom, it's Zach's baby.

- (phone alert)
- Oh, he just wrote back!

Please don't be the valet's baby.

Condom, we used a condom.

- We used a condom!
- Yes!

You're gonna be a mommy!

Whoa... That's a weird thing to say.

It's true.

I mean, the latest is the
website, you know, like,

before, I was kinda, like, edgy,

and now I'm thinking of
going more All-American.

- I don't know.
- All-American.

- Do you think so?
- Those blue eyes, honey, yes.

I don't know what the next step is.

I don't know why you guys
would be taking any steps

when you could be driving.

Drive, drive, drive.

Driving, you know, like,
in a car, with tires.

For sure you're trying to push
up your little product on this.

(woman) Wait, is that what's happening?

It's a lot of pressure
having a brand to endorse,

but I know I can do it, because,
I mean, I can sell anything.

Honestly, I wouldn't even take
Louis Vuitton if they called.

I don't want them.

Oh, my God, I just got an
e-mail from Louis Vuitton.

Not wanting you.

- No, they want to work with you.
- Shut up.

Yeah, would you do it?

(bleep) yeah.

It's just (bleep) Jerry on Instagram,

but now you're a liar.

Do you love lifetime warranties?

Because I love a lifetime warranty.

(woman) Why are you talking
about driving so much?

Wait, do you have,
like, a car endorsement?

(woman) Girl, is it a car?

Tire Queen.

(woman) Stop it right now.

I feel like everybody I know

got offered that job and turned it down.

I think my assistant turned that down.

I can't, the... the idea of it stinks.

- Oh!
- Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Do you have something?

(talking over one another)

- I do.
- I should always bring some...

You're the best. You're so helpful.

Oh, my God.

Is it coming off?

Just a little bit, yeah.

What is this?

- It smells amazing.
- Let me smell.

- It does.
- I, like, wanna wear it.

Sara, what is this?

It's just... it's just one of my wipes.

- It smells really good.
- Isn't that incredible?

- And clean.
- What is that?

- Wait, can I see?
- I want one.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

(talking over one another)

It like, reminds me of, like, summer.

I know.

- Mmm.
- Ugh, so good.

It feels refreshing, too.

I feel, like, vibrant again.

It's like, I just want it everywhere.

Wait, let me see this.

Fresh Lake?

That's a vaginal wipe.

That is disgusting.

Are you joking me right now?

Okay, technically, it is a
wipe for your vagina, but...

(woman 2) Oh, my God.

As you can all see, it's
very healing to your face.

Why did you let us put this on our face?

Sara, I think you should go.

Okay, here is the thing:

I did promise Tire Queen that
at least two girls from my squad

would be coming to the opening
in Whittier, so I mean who...

who... Who is it? Will you still come?

Okay.

Next Th... Okay. I don't...

- Hi.
- You look so pretty.

Thanks, no, I was just thinking about

you and I and it's
just been really nice.

L.A. can be so lonesome.

It's nice to have someone
just to connect with.

- Yes.
- I just feel so close to you.

I feel like we're a family.

- We are.
- You know?

We are. Want wine?

Red, white, you wanna pick?

Um, I'm not gonna drink today.

Baby, you always drink so much.

I know, I just feel
like I should hold off.

That's bizarre.

Anyway, I was just...

When I was outside, I saw
this little girl and she...

she stopped me and she went
like this, and I was like...

Did she need help?

We just had a connection,
I instantly thought,

hmm, I'm pretty maternal.

Oh, that's great, you want
to have kids one day, huh?

- I do.
- Yeah.

- What do you...
- Well, not soon.

But you know, I do want to adopt,

I love children and, uh...

It's always great to adopt
after you've had your own kids,

- which brings me to the next topic.
- Go ahead.

Which, I think you're gonna
be over the moon about.

Can't wait.

We're... We're pregnant.

You and me.

What are you talking about?

We're pregnant, we're having a baby.

For real.

Um, okay, well, here's something I...

I haven't told you, 'cause the...

You already have kids.

No, I had a vasectomy.

I had a vasectomy.

No, you didn't.

Uh, I did, I did.

In fact, four years
ago, I had a vasectomy.

I'm... I'm all tied up down there.

- There's...
- That's not true.

I would know if you had had a vasectomy.

Well, you wouldn't.

It's not something you can feel, uh...

Yeah, you can, you (bleep) in me.

Okay, well...

What happens is there's
the stuff that comes out.

I hate that stuff.

Okay.

All I know is that we've
been sleeping together

and I'm pregnant, so...

You're not pregnant with my...

There's no way you are
pregnant with my child.

It means you've been
(bleep) somebody else.

Mm-hmm.

How many people are you sleeping with?

How many people are you sleeping with?

I'm not sleeping with anyone.

Well, why?

We had a talk about exclusivity.

- Yeah, we did. That's true.
- Oh, my God.

Okay, well, then I guess this
is a perfect opportunity 'cause

you want to adopt children
and now you can raise

someone else's child.

Erin, are you out of your mind?

You think that I'm going to,
like, raise a stranger's child

that you had sex with while we
were supposed to be exclusive?

- That's ludicrous.
- He's not a stranger.

You've met him before.

He's the valet guy at that restaurant.

It's the Land Rover, right?

- Be better if you went and got...
- Yeah, it's a Land Rover.

Just get the car.

- Be right back.
- You know him?

No, do you?

You slept with the valet?

Well, that's rude.

He's just a person with a job.

- In a car?
- No, in a house.

So the child that you're
having is the valet guy's child.

He has a name, his name is Ryan.

I am not gonna raise Ryan's child.

So you're not as good of a
person as you say you are.

Oh, my God.

Well, are you a good guy or are you not?

I'm a very good guy and I'm such
a good guy that I'm gonna leave

and not scream at a
woman who has a child.

Good luck.

Oh, cute. What a dick.

Glad I'm not having his baby.

Listen, it's not what I was
expecting, but the truth is,

I'm at the point in my life
where I will embrace this

with responsibility
and respect and love.

I'm ready to be a mom, with Ryan's baby.

I'm gonna call him, I'm
gonna tell him, I'm on board.

But everyone in this room
feels very firmly about what

the next step should be,
which is obviously for me

to make Tire Queen sexy.

- What?
- I'm gonna show those women.

They're gonna be lining up for my tires.

There are no Bentleys without my tires.

I don't know if it's
really about you right now.

- It is.
- It really isn't.

This, like, might be
the one time it's not.

Okay, so you're four hours late.

Now we're closed.

So it's sort of
pointless. Do you see... ?

Then why does your sign say open?

That's funny. Where's your squad?

Uh...

- You promised me Ali Larter.
- Yeah.

A couple other
celebrities. Where are they?

I'm here.

I'm sorry, who is this?

- Part of the squad.
- First of all,

I'm the celebrity,
so you've got my face.

What else do you really need?

- Hot face, too.
- Okay, they were busy.

Celebrity is a generous
word for you, Um...

You should be thanking
me that I'm even here.

(Abbey) Yeah.

I'm in Whittier, okay?

Do you know that my navigation
couldn't even find Whittier?

Well, you know, I started this business,

so, um, if you're just
gonna (bleep) on it,

then I guess we're done here.

I'm not (bleep) on it, I'm just...

Well, yes, I... I am
(bleep) on it, actually.

All right, I don't think
this is working out,

- so I'm gonna take this back.
- Excuse me?

And you're fired. So
this is... We're done.

Perfect.

Don't touch her like that.

All right.

Clear out, okay? Thank you.

Oh, my God.

That was so aggressive.

Erin, Erin, Erin, baby!

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, there you are. My angel.

What are you... What are you doing here?

- Whoa, how did you find me?
- We're doing this.

Oh, my God... Oh, my
God! No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, wait, I just talked
to you and you were at work.

Why aren't you at work?

I took a car and I
came. I had to be here.

It's about you and me now.

We're... We're a family. I love you.

- You stole a car?
- Oh, my God, I love you.

No, I'll give it back,
I just borrowed it.

Oh, my God.

I think it's kicking.

- Is it...
- I don't think so yet.

Okay, you can get up.

- What's... ?
- Wait.

- What's the problem?
- Hold on, I'm sorry.

I need to go to the
bathroom for one second.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay, all right.

I love you.

I'm gonna be a dad!

(Ryan) Mom, I'm... I'm excited, yeah.

No, her last name is like
Faster of F... some Factor.

She's super sweet, I think
you're gonna like her.

I'm... I'm still getting
to know her, but...

- Ladies?
- Okay.

It turns out, not pregnant.

How are you not pregnant?

- I just got my period.
- Okay, I know.

Didn't you take a pregnancy test?

I think that I'll probably
want to name it, like,

Monster or something.

Did you not take a pregnancy test?

I did take a pregnancy test, several,

I got them from your bathroom
and they all said positive.

Did you get them from under my sink?

Yeah, why?

Oh, my God, Erin, those
are my false positives.

Who has false positive pregnancy tests?

- I do, I do.
- A lot of people.

I'm a smart woman who gets what I want.

When my husband is pissing me off,

I just flash one of those sticks.

I'm pregnant!

Then he feels bad, and he forgives me.

And then where does
he think the baby goes?

Well, I just say, like,
"Oh, I got my period,"

and he's like, "Oh, bummer."

It's actually genius.

It's very "Gone Girl."

You can talk to her right now.

It's my mom, she's so
excited, she's so excited.

Oh, my God.

No, hold on. Um, end, sorry.

Okay, we should talk about something.

We have so much to
talk about by the way.

We really do.

Where are we living?
Where are we gonna live?

Um, I... Turns out I'm not pregnant.

What was all the kicking I felt, though?

I'm serious, like, I... I could feel it.

I was just... That was
cramps or something.

- Did you know about this?
- No, no, no, no.

- I...
- Look, I would love to keep trying?

- Keep trying?
- And we could try to have a baby.

I'm not ready for a
baby, so I think that,

like, we're just in different...

We could take it slow,
we'll take it slow.

What the hell are you doing?

- Get out of here!
- We're gonna get out!

Go!

We are back to where we started.

And I kind of thought
that karma might, like,

come to kick me in the
butt, but it totally didn't.

Yet again, I can kind of,
like, do whatever I want.

That's the lesson here, I think.

You looked pregnant, though.

- What?
- Those...

Your ankles got a little
bigger, it was weird.

It was, like, mentally, you
were making your ankles cankly.

But you're pretty.

But you are old.

And unmarried. And you are childless.

Okay, thank you for
being clear about that.

So it's not looking good.

This season's dark.

(laughing)

Why would my husband cheat on me?

It is sort of on you
for hiring a hot nanny.

Let's release the video
from the nanny cam.

How do you think you would feel

if she showed everybody your naked body?

I actually wouldn't
be bummed about that,

'cause I have a great body.

I haven't felt this way for a long time.

- Hey, Pop.
- Oh, my son.

- How do I do the father-son
swap? - That's not a thing.

- Are you unhappy?
- It's hard to be happy

with someone who's sending me

so many messages about being unhappy.

Are you (bleep) nuts?

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0