All language subtitles for All In the Family s07e25 Archie noon.eng

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[EDITH SINGING OFF-KEY]

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[DOG BARKING]

ARCHIE:
Get away from me, dog!

[DOG GROWLING]

Get away from me!
Get away from me, dog!

Get the hell away!

- Archie, don't!
You'll hurt him! - Get outta here!

- I ain't hurtin' him.
- You was kickin' him.

I wasn't kickin' him.

Well, it looked like
you was kickin' him.

Well,
I didn't kick him.

- Ohh!
- What's the matter?

I threw my back out
tryin' to kick him.

That's Barney Hefner's dog
again.

He's never home
on his own property.

Why the hell is he
always over here?

Maybe he's looking
for a bone.

Sure, and the bone
he's looking for is buried in me.

Why me?

Well, because you keep
yelling at that poor dog.

Well, what the hell
am I supposed to do

when an animal's trying
to tear me apart, huh?

Whisper sweet nothings
in his ear?

Archie, you oughta
make friends with Rusty.

Dogs is man's best friend.

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- Oh...

My uncle's dog
was his best friend.

I'll never forget Sport.

I don't wanna hear
no dog stories.

No, Sport was my uncle.

They called your uncle Sport?

Yeah, 'cause he wore
pointy shoes

and owed a lot of people
money.

What a classy family.

His dog's name was Franklin,

and one night--

Don't go on!

It was in Los Angeles,

on account of
they lived in California...

On she goes.

One night Franklin,
that was the dog,

he was whinin' and howlin'

which was his way
of warning his master,

who was my Uncle Sport,

that there was
gonna be an earthquake.

So my Uncle Sport,
he put on his robe and his pointy shoes

and he ran
out of the building

just as it
started to shake.

Well, everybody that stayed
in the building was very safe,

including the dog Franklin.

But my uncle,
well, he got hurt

'cause a sign fell on his head,

and the sign said,
"Stay indoors in case of earthquake."

Franklin the dog
didn't even know how to read,

but he was smart enough
to stay indoor--

Ohh, Archie!
Don't do that!

I would rather croak
than hear you tell any more dog stories.

I'm fed up to here with dogs
and with Barney Hefner!

Oh, Archie,
Barney is a neighbor.

And they're ain't too many
left on the block

that's still
talkin' to you.

Well, that's because
they won't give up on

all their crazy religious
and political ideas.

- [DOG BARKING, GROWLING]
- There he is again, barking.

See? And I'm in the house now.
What he hell does he want?

I wish we had a cat.

You hate cats.

I know,
but I could ball it up

and throw it nails-first
at the dog.

Archie, I hate to see you
go to work mad.

Don't worry about it.

Mad is a requirement
for driving a cab in New York.

Now, look at that.
Look at that.

You see what he's doing
out there? Huh?

Right on the front walk.
Ain't that beautiful?

Huh? Huh?

Some people got
a Welcome mat--

you got a Welcome splat.

He can't help it!

Yeah, well, I know
who can help it, Edith.

I know who's responsible
for it, Edith.

And I know just what the hell
I'm gonna do with it, too.

What are you
gonna do?

I'm gonna just
make a little delivery

to Barney's front porch.

Oh, no!
Archie, don't do that! Put it in the gutter!

Don't argue.
Nothin's gonna stop me now.

[DOG GROWLS]

Come here.

Stand over here now.

Now, just try to
restract his attention.

What do you mean?

Just tease and torment him

while I outflank him
out the back door.

I don't think
you should do that.

I know what to do.
Don't think--I know exactly what I'm doing.

Geez!

Unh!

You see what your thinking
does for me, huh?

- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- Oh, there's the phone.

Now, get that phone.

Tell 'em none of the Bunkers
are here, we're all decreased,

we went last night
in a suicide pact.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Barney.

No, he ain't here.

Well, he's out...
makin' a delivery.

Oh, I'm sorry, Barney,

he can't go bowlin'
with ya tonight

'cause he has to drive
Mr. Munson's cab.

I don't think
he'd go anywhere-- he's so mad.

No, I can't tell you
why he's mad, Barney.

But never mind,
you'll find out.

♪ ...wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow... ♪

Excuse me, Barney,

there's somebody singi''
at the back door.

Yeah, good-bye.

- [ARCHIE SINGING]
- Archie!

That was Barney
that called.

You mean already
he got my doggy bag?

Oh, no,

but he invited you
to go bowling with him.

- Oh, good, so he's
going out tonight. - Yeah.

Yeah, good.
He'll hit that monument in about three strides.

Archie,
that ain't nice!

Nice is for high society,
Edith. We're only the workin' class.

Archie,
two grown-up men that's best friends

shouldn't be fightin'
over a little sweet dog like Rusty!

Here, finish this dance
with Fred Astaire. I gotta eat.

I'm late now,
that cab ought be movin'. I'm losin' money.

And look at this.
The chicken soup here, it's ice cold.

Oh, it couldn't be
that cold.

Then why are the noodles
clinging to each other for warmth?

I'll heat it up.

- [DOOR BUZZER]
- A-ha-ha-ha.

There's Barney now.
I know the furious of his bell.

Archie, please,
whatever you do, don't fight!

Just stay out of this.

Well, hello, Barney.
Hey, come right in.

Make yourself at home.
Don't be such a stranger.

Well, what brings that smile
to your pleasant moosh?

What can I do for ya,
buddy?

You done plenty already,
Bunker.

You put that poop
on my stoop!

The poop belongs
on your stoop,

and if you don't like it,
I got a suggestion for ya:

Have a serious talk
with your mutt

about his personal habits.

You know what you are,
of which there is nothing lower?

- An animal hater.
- I don't hate no animals.

I'll tell ya one animal
I don't like very much,

and that's
a horse's read end.

I ain't talkin' about
nobody in particular,

I just look at
the offending party and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

That ain't funny.

Do you know that
you're breaking laws?

You're breaking
about 18 laws,

maybe even a dozen.

What laws?

Well, like you're
aiding and abetting an animal

to savagely attack people
without the benefit of a leash,

you're aiding and abetting
an animal to commit illegal toity

up and down the block here...

you're aiding and abetting
an animal to smuggle in fleas from lousy neighborhoods.

You're a criminal,
Barney.

You're a kook, Arch.

Irregardless of that,

I could slap
a citizen's arrest on you.

Ha ha!
A citizen's arrest.

You wouldn't even know how.

Don't you fool yourself,
buddy, I know how.

I know all about it.

Hey, Edith in there,
come on out here!

- I need a witness!
- Coming!

I seen a cabbie friend of mine
slap a citizen's arrest one time.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, he arrested one of them Krishna Hari guys

who tried to pay his fare
with a song and a kiss.

- Get outta here.
- Oh, yes,

he smashed his tangerine
and hauled him in.

Here's the soup.

- How do you do, Barney?
- Hi, Edith.

Would you like some soup?

He ain't got
no time for soup,

he's being
arrested over here.

You've flipped your wig.

You ain't gonna make
any citizen's arrest.

No? You just watch me.

Now, Edith,
you pay attention to this.

Turn around
and put your hands up against the wall.

I think
he means me, Edith.

Trying to make a dope
out of me, darling?

Oh, no.

Congratulations,
Arch.

You just made your
first citizen's arrest.

Now I'm gonna make
my first citizen's escape.

I'm goin' bowlin'.

And if you don't want
my dog to bite ya,

keep your foot
in your own mouth--

where it usually is.

Ha ha ha ha.

Still trying to be
a comedian, huh, Barney?

I got news for ya--
you ain't funny!

- MIKE: I thought he was funny.
- Get away from me, you!

Hey, Ma, I smelled
your chicken soup all the way across the alley.

- Well, you want a little?
- I'd rather have a lot.

- Sure!
- Look at this guy-- he can smell out anything.

If I had a nose like yours
I'd rent it to the FBI.

He's in a bad mood today,
Mike.

He and Barney Hefner's dog
ain't seein' nose-to-nose.

You ain't kiddin'.
The dog is a killer.

It's a sweet, gentle dog.
Joey plays with him all the time.

You better be careful--
little Joey'll start acting like a dog.

What?!

Yeah, the other Tuesday
I was doin' coochi-coo with him

and he bit me.

You know,
you might be right, Arch.

Yesterday I was
scratching Joey on the stomach and he started doin' this.

You know, I have never, ever
heard you say one nice thing about an animal.

You want me to say
something nice about an animal, I will now.

I'll say something nice
about a goldfish.

A goldfish?

Yes, a goldfish.

A goldfish is
a beautiful animal.

And the only worthwhile pet
to have around the house.

And you know why?

A goldfish never has to be
walked around the block,

a goldfish never keep you up
half the night barking,

a goldfish never
gets his hairs all over the sofas,

and the the best thing
about a goldfish is that

long before you get tired
of him, he dies.

Ain't you gonna
eat that soup with a spoon?

Archie, it's time
to go to work.

Yeah, go ahead,
eat it up.

The soup is all
you're gonna get,

as the frigid wife
said to the Italian.

Archie, please drive careful

and be nice to
your customers.

Union rule says I only have to
drive them. Beyond that, to hell with 'em.

Now, wait a minute.

I wanna make sure
I ain't gonna be ambushed by Fangs again.

Rusty.

( mimicking ):
"Rusty."

Now, wait a minute.
Shhh...

- I don't see him nowhere.
- All right.

If you run quick,
you can get into your cab.

Keep your voice down.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

- [CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- ARCHIE: I'm in.

[DOG BARKING]

I fooled you that time,
alligator-face.

Good-bye, Archie!

Get away from there,
Rusty.

[DOG GROWLING
AND BARKING]

[CAR ACCELERATES,
DOG SQUEALS]

Oh! Rusty!

[DOG SQUEALING]

Ohh, my!

Ma, what happened?

Archie's cab backed up
into Barney Hefner's dog!

Can I have your chicken soup?

How can you talk about
chicken soup at a time like this?

Not for me, for the dog!

Oh, yeah, hurry up.

Rusty's gonna be fine.

The doctor's setting
his leg right now.

It won't take long.
Why don't you sit down and wait?

Thank you
very much.

- Come on.
- Sit down and wait. Sheesh.

This thing is costing me
a night's work.

The night is
the big-money shift, ya know, Edith,

all the big spenders there,
the big tippers.

You got all them
rich business guys

with their secretaries
in the back seat,

tip you big
not to look at them.

Some of them tip you big
to look at them. Heh heh.

You got
your out-of-towners,

your hicks,
your foreigners--

they tip us cabbies big
'cause they're scared of us.

Heh heh heh heh.

Archie, think of
the poor dog.

Rusty was in such pain.

Oh, lay off, will ya?
Don't rub it in.

We're doing the best we can
to get him repaired

before Barney
comes home from bowling.

And then you're gonna
tell Barney everything that happened, right?

Edith, I can't.
Barney is never gonna believe it was an accident there.

Well, I'll tell him
that it was.

He ain't gonna
believe you neither.

The only person in the world
he's gonna believe is the dog.

How you gonna get the truth
out of a dog that hates me?

Well, you never can tell.
Animals is very smart.

I read once that they
can make porpoises talk.

Oh, Edith. I mean,
there's a big difference

between Barney's dumb mutt
and a porpoise,

a highly intelligent bird.

Look at this!
- What?

Memorial Pet Cemetery.

I don't wanna listen.

"Remember us...

She makes me listen anyway.

"...when the Big Trainer
in the sky

whistles for
your best friend."

Big Trainer in the sky?

Ohh....

Oh...oh...oh!

Ain't that a lovely way
to put it, Archie?

Why do so many things
that strike you lovely give me the creeps?

[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING
CONTINUES]

Uh, hey, lady, uh...

I couldn't help notice that
you got a bird there, huh?

That's Andre.

Oh....

that there is Andre.

Yeah.

Hello, Andre.

Might I ask you, uh...

why ain't Andre flyin'?

He isn't well today.

Oh, Edith.

Andre ain't well today.

That's a shame.

Yeah. Must have got
struck up with the jaundice, he looks very yellow.

He's a canary.

Oh, that's a canary.

Oh.

I think he give his
last concert there.

Don't say that!

Well...

as another bird lover
I gotta tell ya,

you gotta be ready
for them things,

like when the little fella
turns over on his back

and puts his two claws up
like that...

[WHIMPERING]

That's if he's lucky enough
to die of a disease.

I mean, sometimes
they get the life scared out of them,

like by a snake or a cat,
and then trying to escape,

then their wings go out
like that with shock!

Aaaah!

But I tell ya,
either way,

don't blow no dough on
one of them pet cemeteries.

You just get yourself
a little Diamond matchbox.

You put him in there,
and then when it's dark

you bury him in
a neighbor's yard.

Here we go,
Rusty.

Oh, there's Rusty!
Oh...

Is he okay?

Oh, yes,
he's just fine.

You've got a very brave
little fella here.

Well, what's the damage,
Doc?

Just a slight fracture
of the tibia.

I meant the damage
to the wallet.

Oh, uh,
give Mr. Bunker his bill, please.

Now, you give this dog
lots of love.

- Oh, we will.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

well, we love him
very much there.

- Why don't you pet him, sir?
- Oh, me? Oh, yeah, sure.

[GROWLS]

- See, he hates
this watch style. - I see.

Well, good luck.
Next, please.

Say, Mrs. Canary,
you oughta get yourself a goldfish.

[CRYING]

Here's your bill,
Mr. Bunker.

Thank you, thank you.

Check will be in the mail
tomorrow there, yeah.

Well, that ain't too bad.

Nineteen dollars
and seventy-seven cents.

Oh, no, Archie,
that's the year.

Oh, gee--
what the hell is the tariff?

It's under your thumb.

- There. $53.00
- $53.00?!

For one dog's leg?!

For that money I know where
you can buy eleven dogs!

Oh, geez, Edith.

Well, come on,
let's go home, Archie.

- Barney's gonna be
so happy to see Rusty! - Are you kiddin'?

He's gonna be wild
when he sees the splinter on that dog's leg there!

Oh, yeah.

How you gonna
explain that to him, Edith?

Oh, no, Archie!

- EDITH: No, I can't do that.
- ARCHIE: Don't argue with me.

- Edith, don't argue with me!
- No!

Edith,
will you be a wife, do me a favor?

All I'm askin' ya to do
is set him down here and let him run home.

On this bad leg?

No, on his
three good ones.

Archie,
that's the coward's way.

And I know the coward's way
ain't your way.

Sometimes it is,
Edith.

- [DOOR BUZZER]
- Oh, that's Barney!

- There's your dad!
- Listen, listen, get the dog out of sight.

- Don't hold him out here.
- But Barney has to know!

Let me warm him up to it
in my own way, will ya?

Let me think of
something slick.

- [BUZZER]
- Coming, there!

Coming there. [GROANS]

- That's you out there,
huh, Barney? - BARNEY: Yeah, it's me.

Ah, hell.
[WHIMPERS]

- Okay. Yeah, come on in.
- Hi, Arch.

What took you so long?

I didn't know what you was
one of them moochers

coming along collecting
for a new disease.

As if we ain't
got enough trouble with the old diseases.

Well, I just
come over to say

that I'd like to forget
everything that happened today.

Oh, geez, Barney,
so would I.

I mean, I would, yeah.

After all, Arch,
we are neighbors.

Hey, more than that!
We're Lodge brothers.

BOTH: And when the kings
of Queens give the grip

our secrets never
slip the lip!

- Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

- Sit down, Barney.
- I'll sit down here.

No, no, not there,
in my chair.

Oh ho,
that's an honor.

No, listen, I'm glad
to be able to tell ya

that I should have been
a helluva lot more understanding.

I mean, I coulda took
the dog's-eye view, you know?

When a pooch has gotta toity,

you can't expect him to
slip into a public john

and put a dime in the slot
and sit down there, you know?

And, you know,
Rusty's such a cute dog.

To know Rusty
is to love him, Arch.

I mean, when he
sits up and begs like this,

when he fetches,
and when he plays dead...

I seen him do that today,
yeah.

No kiddin'?

Barney, but what
I gotta tell ya is that

you hadn't oughta
let him run loose,

because it's very dangerous
in the streets.

- Out in traffic, you mean.
- Yeah, suppose he come back out of his driveway

- and run into a cab.
- Huh?

What I mean to say is,
wouldn't it be terrible

if little Rusty
got killed by a car?

Oh, don't say that.
I couldn't live without Rusty.

Well, I know, you know,

I mean, it'd be a lot better
if he busted his leg, wouldn't it?

Well, it'd be
a lot better than gettin' killed.

Sure, sure,
because, you know,

they shoot a horse for that,

but, you know, a dog,
one of them busted tribias,

you could get a vet
to fix that up for $52, huh?

I guess you could.

What I mean is,
that would be good.

- Yeah.
- And you could be happy with that.

Yeah...

Yeah.

- You run over my dog,
didn't ya?! - Who told ya, Barney?

- You busted his leg!
- You said you'd be happy with that!

I'd be happy busti''
both your legs!

- Don't get excited!
- Where is my dog?!

Here he is! Here's Rusty.

Hello, sweetheart, baby.

Are you all right?

- How did this happen?!
- An accident happened, that's all.

But Archie rushed him
to the dog hospital as fast as he could!

I drove like hell.
I nearly clipped another dog on the way!

But I want to
tell you something,

and boy, you get
excited with me,

you know,
this is all your fault.

- Mine?
- Yes, Barney, yours,

for turning the dog loose.

You endangered his life there,

you as good as threw him
under the wheels of my cab.

Now, you think about that,
Barney.

Yeah, you're right, Arch.

But look, if I lock up the house
and keep him tied up in the yard

- he's gonna cry all day.
- Yeah, he's lonesome.

Sure, he's lonesome.
You gotta stay with him.

- I gotta work!
- He needs company.

Yeah, get him something
to keep him company,

something quiet,
like a turtle.

Archie, a turtle
wouldn't be no fun for Rusty.

He needs another dog.

- Oh, no, no.
- Good idea, Edith, another dog.

Barney, listen,
if you gotta do that,

make sure it's a boy dog.

A boy dog'd
fight with him, Arch.

Well, I think you know
what a girl dog's gonna do with him.

- Yeah, have babies!
- Yeah, you don't want that.

Right, Edith! Good idea!

And since it is your idea,

when Rusty has puppies,
I'm gonna give you the pick of the litter!

- Oh, no! No!
- I am! You deserve it!

[ALL TALKING]

- I'll find a wife
at the pound. - Barney! Barney!

Come on, baby.

I was readin' an article about
the animal populations there,

there's millions of pets
explodin', Barney!

Oh, Archie!

A puppy, a puppy!

[GIGGLING]

Now I'm gonna have to run out
and buy a big muzzle.

For the little puppy?

No, Edith, for you.

♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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