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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,435
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:07,772
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,809
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,311
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,581
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:19,918
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:25,089
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,329
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:35,633
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:54,887 --> 00:00:57,655
[SIGHS, THEN WHIMPERS]
13
00:01:04,763 --> 00:01:08,299
[WHIMPERS AGAIN]
14
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,168
EDITH:
That you, Gloria?
15
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:12,270
(SINGSONG VOICE):
Uh-huh, it's me.
16
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:15,106
I thought I heard
you singin'.
17
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,709
How's Joey?
Hope he didn't give you any trouble.
18
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,278
That little angel?
19
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,614
Trouble? No.
20
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,682
He finished all of his cereal
21
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:27,352
except for what
he threw on me.
22
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:28,786
Thanks, Ma.
23
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:30,989
I really appreciate you
taking care of him for me.
24
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,657
Oh, it's a pleasure!
25
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:33,825
Now tell me.
26
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,861
What happened?
How are you?
27
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,629
What did Dr. Shapiro say?
28
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:40,765
He said I'm in
excellent health.
29
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,100
Good.
30
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,003
My weight is good,
my blood pressure's fine,
31
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,872
my reflexes are sharp.
32
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:48,073
And it looks like
I'm pregnant.
33
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,140
Good.
34
00:01:50,376 --> 00:01:51,843
You're what?!
35
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,846
Pregnant.
36
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:58,416
Gloria!!
37
00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:00,218
Oh, that's wonderful!
38
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,888
Yeah, yay.
Hats and horns.
39
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:07,225
Oh, Gloria,
oh, you're gonna have another baby!
40
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:08,493
Ma, calm down.
41
00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:09,861
Don't get so excited.
42
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,595
I mean, it's not for sure.
43
00:02:11,597 --> 00:02:14,165
Dr. Shapiro took some tests
and he's gonna phone me
44
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:17,601
with the results,
but I got all the symptoms.
45
00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:20,839
Oh, Gloria!!
46
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:24,575
I'm gonna be
a grandmother again!
47
00:02:24,577 --> 00:02:27,211
Oh! Oh!!
48
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,347
Gloria!!
49
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:32,017
Joey's gonna have
a playmate.
50
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:35,820
Oh! Oh, Archie's
gonna be so happy.
51
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,989
Oh, and Mike.
52
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,590
Oh, I can just see--
53
00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:43,828
He ain't gonna
like it at all.
54
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:47,465
I know exactly
what he's gonna say to me.
55
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,567
[IMITATING MICHAEL]
Gloria, I thought we agreed
56
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:53,004
not to have any more children
because we can't afford it.
57
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,039
Besides, what right do we have
to bring another child
58
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:59,510
into an overpopulated,
underfed, polluted world?"
59
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:03,548
Oh, Gloria,
you sound just like him.
60
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:05,416
Oh, don't worry.
61
00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:08,319
It'll be different
this time.
62
00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:10,488
Mike has had experience.
63
00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:13,858
He knows what it's like
to be a father.
64
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,428
Oh, Ma, I know
what it's like to be a mother.
65
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,964
It's wonderful.
Yeah.
66
00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:23,201
But Michael and I
made an agreement.
67
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:29,740
Gloria, you ain't thinki''
of doin' what you talked about doin' before...
68
00:03:29,742 --> 00:03:32,277
not having it?
69
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,145
Oh, no, Ma.
70
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:36,080
That never even
crossed my mind.
71
00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:39,417
But Michael's gonna yell at me,
72
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:42,020
and I can't yell back at him,
because I know he's right.
73
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:45,923
But you ain't sure
you know for sure
74
00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:47,492
that it's for sure.
75
00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:51,662
So why don't you do
what I do with Archie.
76
00:03:51,664 --> 00:03:53,498
Bring him a beer?
77
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,000
No!
78
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,102
I don't tell him nothin'
79
00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:00,738
till I'm sure I know
for sure it's for sure.
80
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,041
Then I bring him a beer.
81
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,710
I'm home; I'm hungry!
82
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:08,780
Do I have time to make
a sandwich before lunch?
83
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,348
Ma, I don't feel like
talkin' to him now.
84
00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:14,052
Well, go on upstairs
and lie down.
85
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,420
Things always look better
when you're rested.
86
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,757
Ma, don't say
anything to him. I'll tell him later.
87
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:20,792
Not a word.
Go on.
88
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,359
Okay.
Oh, Ma.
89
00:04:22,361 --> 00:04:24,028
Yeah?
90
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:25,296
[WHIMPERS]
91
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:32,536
♪ Baby face ♪
92
00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:34,706
[HUMS]
93
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:35,940
♪ Baby face ♪
94
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,274
Ooh...oh.
95
00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:40,412
♪ Moon river ♪
96
00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:42,580
Hi, Mike.
97
00:04:42,582 --> 00:04:43,681
Oh, hi, Ma.
98
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,784
Hey, come on, Ma.
99
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,652
You know I don't like
to see you workin' like this.
100
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,721
I'm just helpin' out.
101
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,122
Ma, this is not
your job.
102
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,958
It's not your house.
Where's Gloria? Gloria!
103
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,828
She's upstairs
lyin' down.
104
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,129
Gloria!
105
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,130
She's upstairs?
106
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,198
Hey, Gloria,
come on down here.
107
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,600
Mike, Mike, don't bother her.
108
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:05,770
She had a hard day
at the--ooh!
109
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:13,378
"A hard day at the ooh"?
110
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,480
Uh...yeah.
111
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,915
Hey, come on, Ma.
112
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:20,051
You were gonna
tell me somethin'.
113
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,253
Gloria had
a hard day where?
114
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:23,888
Nowhere. Out.
115
00:05:25,023 --> 00:05:26,458
Where out?
116
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,592
Out out.
117
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:30,261
Ma, what is
the big mystery?
118
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,430
Where did Gloria
go today?
119
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,734
Well, she went out
and then she came back, and then--
120
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,035
Oh! Here she is.
121
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:40,071
Hello, Michael.
I thought I heard you hollering.
122
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,139
Gloria, what is going on
around here?
123
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:43,975
Where'd you go today?
124
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,010
I'm sorry, Gloria.
125
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:49,513
I spilled the cat
out of the bag.
126
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,215
It's all right, Ma.
127
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:53,384
No, wait a second.
It's not all right.
128
00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:55,519
What are you hidin' from me?
129
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,321
Ah?
130
00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,057
It's not our anniversary.
131
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:02,259
Ah, it's my birthday
comin' up next week.
132
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:04,062
That's it, isn't it?
133
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,965
No, honey, and I'm not
hiding anything from you.
134
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:10,101
I was just looking for
the right time
135
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,403
and the right words
to tell you.
136
00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,590
Gloria...
137
00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:38,095
...don't tell me that one
of the people in this room is...
138
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,297
It's not me.
139
00:06:45,871 --> 00:06:48,372
It's not me either, Ma.
140
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:49,908
Maybe it's me.
141
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,543
[SHRIEKS]
142
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,278
Michael...
[CONTINUES SHRIEKING]
143
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,080
Honey, don't
go through the roof.
144
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,416
We better
sit him down.
145
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,884
[WHIMPERING]
146
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,652
Your hands are ice cold.
147
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:03,388
I better get him
a glass of water.
148
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:06,057
What am I doing?
He should be getting me the water.
149
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,192
I'm the one
who's pregnant.
150
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:09,260
Oh, my God!!
151
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,495
Honey,
don't be upset!
152
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:13,197
Oh, my God!!
153
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,299
He ain't upset,
are you, Mike?
154
00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:16,734
Oh, my God!!
155
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:18,469
See, he ain't upset.
156
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:21,706
Look who's gonna
be a father again.
157
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:24,575
You're gonna have
another little bundle of joy.
158
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:27,077
Yeah, another baby.
159
00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:28,846
Oh, my God!
160
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,582
Ma, why don't you
go upstairs and see if our little bundle of joy
161
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:33,150
is still
bundled up, huh?
162
00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:35,786
Yeah, sure.
Right away.
163
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:38,989
Don't worry, I won't
tell nobody else,
164
00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:40,524
not even Joey.
165
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:41,659
[CRYING NOISES]
166
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,728
Honey, honey,
honey!
167
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,896
Honey, now before we
get into a big argument,
168
00:07:45,898 --> 00:07:47,165
I gotta tell you,
169
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,334
I'm still waiting for
a call from Dr. Shapiro
170
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,436
because I might not
even be pregnant.
171
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,072
Gloria, I thought
we made an agreement
172
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,706
not to have another
child after Joey.
173
00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:57,741
We can't afford it.
174
00:07:57,743 --> 00:07:59,643
Besides, what right
do we have to bring...
175
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:04,215
BOTH: another child into this
overcrowded, underfed, polluted world. Yes!
176
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,950
How could this happen?!
177
00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:09,053
The usual way.
178
00:08:10,622 --> 00:08:13,191
Gloria, that's not
what I mean.
179
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,059
Something like this
is not supposed to happen
180
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,228
unless you forgot
to take your pill.
181
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,563
Did you?
182
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,865
I didn't forget.
183
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:24,468
Then what?
184
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:28,039
Well, all I can figure is
185
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,374
you remember that party
we went to about a month ago
186
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:31,609
at Milt and Hilda's?
187
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,010
Go on.
188
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:36,047
You remember me telling you
on the way home
189
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:38,516
that at the party,
Trudy and I got in this big discussion
190
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,652
about this article she read
on The Pill and all its bad side effects.
191
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,354
You didn't take the pill!
192
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,391
You didn't take
the pill!!
193
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:48,626
Michael, for one night.
194
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:52,230
I went right back on 'em
the next day after I talked to Dr. Shapiro.
195
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:55,333
Gloria, one night
is all it takes!
196
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:58,302
Why didn't you
say something to me?
197
00:08:58,304 --> 00:08:59,770
I was half-asleep.
198
00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,872
The half I was with
was wide awake!
199
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:05,009
Gloria, you knew.
200
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:07,678
You knew;
you tricked me!
201
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,046
Ow, gee!
202
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,681
I didn't trick you!
203
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:13,017
Why didn't you stick to
your part of the agreement?
204
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,286
I would've stuck to
my part of the agreement
205
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:18,222
if you would've
stuck to your part of the bed!
206
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,625
Gloria! Gloria, just because
I want to show you my love,
207
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:23,961
that doesn't mean
that you have to go and get pregnant.
208
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,396
What do you mean, me?
209
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,265
Ow!
210
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,100
You think I can get
pregnant all by myself?
211
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,668
Ow!!
212
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,871
I'm tired of being the one
that has to take all of the precautions.
213
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,173
Ow!!
214
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,075
Why don't you do
something about it for a change?
215
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,778
Because it doesn't work
if I take the pill!
216
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:43,848
There are other methods!
217
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,383
[CHOKING SOUNDS]
218
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,919
Gloria, you know
that you hate male contraceptives
219
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,753
as much as I do.
220
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:52,256
Now I know it's not fair
for the woman to take all the precautions,
221
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,891
but that's the way
things are.
222
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:56,127
You were born with
all the parts that need protection.
223
00:09:56,129 --> 00:10:00,798
Yeah, because you were born
with all the parts we need protection from!
224
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,834
Let go of me!
225
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:07,371
What the hell
is going on here?!
226
00:10:08,706 --> 00:10:13,744
Now, I am sorry,
but I have had it.
227
00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:17,348
I have no more remembering
to take the pill,
228
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,717
no IUD's, no nothing.
229
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:23,353
From now on,
it is up to you, buster.
230
00:10:25,123 --> 00:10:26,591
Up to me?!
231
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,760
Yeah. If you're the one
that's so gung-ho
232
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,028
about not bringing
any more children
233
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,731
into this world,
then do something about it.
234
00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,532
Get a vasectomy!
235
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:36,901
Ow!! That's it!
236
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,335
That's enough!
237
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,270
No more physical torture.
238
00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:42,173
I'm not getting
a vasectomy.
239
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:46,076
Hundreds of men
get vasectomies every day
240
00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:47,245
right in
the doctor's office.
241
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,879
It's as easy as
one, two, three.
242
00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:49,880
Snip, snip, snip.
243
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:51,816
[GROANS]
244
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,721
Please!!
245
00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,424
Do you have to
talk about it like that?
246
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:02,359
You make it sound like
a manicure.
247
00:11:03,795 --> 00:11:06,630
It's a little bit more
complicated than that.
248
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:09,733
Michael Kasamir Stivic,
you're a hypocrite.
249
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,537
After all the preaching
that you have done
250
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,138
about food supplies
and overpopulation,
251
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:17,175
you don't even
believe in vasectomies.
252
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,276
I believe in vasectomies!
253
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:22,446
Sure you do--
for the Chinese and the Indians
254
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:25,783
and the Pakistanis
and the Africans, but not for yourself.
255
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:27,985
Gloria, if we had
fourteen children
256
00:11:27,987 --> 00:11:30,921
and we were living
on some sampan in the middle of Singapore Harbor,
257
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,124
I would say, yes,
I would get a vasectomy.
258
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,960
But somehow,
here in the middle of Queens, it--it--
259
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:38,563
(WHIMPERS]
I don't want a vasectomy.
260
00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:43,067
My father's right about you.
261
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,869
You are a phony,
bleeding heart liberal.
262
00:11:50,141 --> 00:11:51,074
All right!
263
00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:53,477
All right!
All right!
264
00:11:53,479 --> 00:11:54,812
That's it!
265
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,781
That's what you want,
you want a vasectomy,
266
00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:58,882
you got a vasectomy!
267
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,752
I'm gonna call Dr. Marx
right now and make an appointment.
268
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,454
What am I doing?
269
00:12:08,193 --> 00:12:09,293
Really?
270
00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:10,894
Yes, really.
271
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,631
If surgery is the only way
to prove my love to you,
272
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,065
then so be it.
273
00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:21,572
Gee, thanks, honey.
274
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,840
Yeah.
275
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:26,344
Yeah, hello,
this is Michael Stivic.
276
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,646
I would like to make
an appointment with Dr. Marx
277
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:29,880
to have a...
278
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:30,981
(MUFFLED]
...vasectomy.
279
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,616
[LOUDLY]
Vasectomy!
280
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:34,284
Oh!
281
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,187
No, no, that's all right.
282
00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,223
There's no rush.
Any time.
283
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,492
Next spring?
That would be fine.
284
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:42,893
Could you make it fall--
Excuse me, honey.
285
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:45,596
Next spring is not fine.
What are you doin'?
286
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,631
This is Mrs. Stivic.
287
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,031
Gloria!!
288
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,600
No, I'm not his mother.
I'm his wife.
289
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,901
Gimme the phone!!
290
00:12:50,903 --> 00:12:54,071
When is the soonest
the doctor could see him?
291
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,106
What--get--
292
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,409
You didn't tell me
they had a cancellation today.
293
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,344
Today? Certainly
we'll take it.
294
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:01,379
No, we won't!
295
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,681
In an hour?
An hour?!
296
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,316
That will be fine.
That's not fine.
297
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,417
Yes, see you then.
298
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:07,851
No, we won't see you.
Hello! Hello!
299
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,553
Damn it!
300
00:13:16,628 --> 00:13:19,196
Isn't that wonderful?
Ehh...
301
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,598
You can have it done
today and then
302
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,667
we'll never have to
worry about all this again.
303
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,669
Yeah,
it's my lucky day.
304
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,737
Well, what are you
sitting here for?
305
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:29,106
Can't I rest a second?
Honey, you don't have a second.
306
00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:31,809
They need to see you
within the hour. I gotta go now?
307
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,245
No, you don't have
to go with me. You want me to go with you?
308
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:38,582
I'll be fine.
Oh, yes, I'm a big boy,
309
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:40,184
I can take care
of myself.
310
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:41,519
Wait a minute,
what are you doing?
311
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,487
What--what are you
doing here?
312
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,056
Why don't you pin a note to me
while you're at it?
313
00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:48,559
Are you sure you don't
want me to go with you?
314
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,461
Because you look
a little nervous.
315
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:52,296
I'm not nervous!
I'm fine, honey!
316
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:54,732
It's a simple operation!
Snip, snip, snip!
317
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,500
Ohh!
318
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,936
Come on, you gotta hurry.
319
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:01,105
And Michael...
What?
320
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:03,374
I want to thank you,
and I love you.
321
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,709
Ohh! I love you too, honey!
322
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:07,911
I just hope that
after the operation
323
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:10,681
I'll still be able
to prove it.
324
00:14:11,783 --> 00:14:13,517
Ohh....
325
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,352
good-bye!
Hurry home!
326
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,954
See you later!
327
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:19,090
Hurry!
You need to get going!
328
00:14:38,142 --> 00:14:39,777
Oh, my...
329
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,681
Mr. Stivic, come on in.
Take off your jacket.
330
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,683
Right.
How ya doin'?
331
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,118
Uh, where's the doctor?
332
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,687
I'm Dr. Dolby.
333
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,422
Uh, Dr. Dolby?
Yeah, call me Ted.
334
00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:55,325
Ted.
Where's Dr. Marx?
335
00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:57,495
He's at the hospital this week.
I'm his associate.
336
00:14:57,497 --> 00:15:02,566
Oh. Then you'll be performing
the operation instead of him?
337
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,102
Uh-huh. Unless that
makes you uptight.
338
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:07,037
No, no,
I'm not uptight.
339
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:09,072
I guess it's just a sign
that you're getting older
340
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,675
when cops and doctors
are smaller than you.
341
00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:13,110
I mean younger than you.
342
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,845
Or something.
343
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,313
That's real heavy.
344
00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:18,415
Heavy.
Heavy.
345
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,117
So,
you want a vasectomy, huh?
346
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,119
Yeah, that's me,
vasectomy.
347
00:15:22,121 --> 00:15:24,955
Uh...you took
that course, huh?
348
00:15:27,692 --> 00:15:30,928
I teach it at NYU
Medical School.
349
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,497
Why don't you just
hop up here on the examination table?
350
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:34,932
Right now?
Yeah, right here.
351
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,133
You want me to hop
right up here??
352
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:37,234
Yeah.
353
00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:38,436
I'll just hop
right over here.
354
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,904
We don't need this.
Yeah, we do!
355
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,572
Oh, no.
356
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,007
[MUTTERING]
357
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,810
Just roll up
your sleeve for me.
358
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:46,944
Yeah, sure.
359
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,211
What's the matter,
you nervous?
360
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:49,680
No, no, not nervous.
I just, uh...
361
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,482
Yeah, I guess I am
a little bit.
362
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,818
It's not every day
you go under the knife.
363
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:57,855
Especially not that far under.
364
00:15:57,857 --> 00:16:00,123
There's nothin'
to worry about. Here's where it's at.
365
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,258
I know where it's at.
366
00:16:03,294 --> 00:16:05,529
I wanna make certain
you understand
367
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,832
that this procedure
is generally irreversible.
368
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,567
Yeah, I understand that.
369
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,635
Doctor, I wanna
ask you something.
370
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,038
I've read a few articles
on vasectomies,
371
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:18,408
and they always say that
it doesn't affect the male's...
372
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:22,079
ya know...sexual performance.
373
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:23,346
Is that true?
374
00:16:23,348 --> 00:16:25,215
Never slowed me down.
375
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:27,250
You had it done?
376
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:28,819
Right after
my daughter was born.
377
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,487
Your wife insisted on it?
378
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:31,621
I'm not married.
379
00:16:34,859 --> 00:16:38,095
That's nice.
380
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:39,329
Mike, don't sweat it.
381
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:42,132
A lot of guys report
an increase in sexual activity
382
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,368
once the fear of
pregnancy's been eliminated.
383
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,737
Hey, something to
look forward to, huh?
384
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:49,339
I don't mean
you're gonna wind up in the Guinness Book of Records,
385
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:52,009
but see, after surgery,
386
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,179
some guys experience
some psychological problems.
387
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,313
But I think
you're gonna be cool.
388
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,648
Yeah, cool.
389
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,983
Yeah, I'll...I'll be cool.
390
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:01,952
Then what are we
waitin' for? Let's boogie!
391
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,387
Oh, we're gonna boogie.
392
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:05,122
Oh, my goodness. Right on.
393
00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:06,357
We'll just have to undo this.
394
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,524
I can do it, I can do it.
395
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,960
Why don't you do it?
I'll do it. You--
396
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,762
Oh, just do it!
397
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:13,864
Help me! Oh, no!
398
00:17:17,435 --> 00:17:19,603
Here we are.
399
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,373
Let me fill
your cup.
400
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,573
Thanks, Ma.
401
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:26,243
I made a fresh pot.
402
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,513
Ugh.
403
00:17:29,515 --> 00:17:30,614
What's the matter?
404
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:33,050
Somethin' wrong
with the coffee?
405
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,453
Nothin'.
I was drinkin' tea.
406
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:37,788
Oh! I'm sorry.
407
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,855
Here, I'll make you--
408
00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:40,024
No, that's all right.
409
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,959
Ma...
410
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:46,030
Were things
this complicated when you had me?
411
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,899
Did I cause you to worry
about the ecology?
412
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,101
You know, overpopulation,
pollution?
413
00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:54,304
Oh, no. You would never
have done that.
414
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:56,373
You was a good baby.
415
00:18:00,211 --> 00:18:03,280
Ma, how come
I'm an only child?
416
00:18:07,685 --> 00:18:13,690
Well, after you was born,
there was some problems,
417
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:17,527
and the doctor said
I better not have no more babies.
418
00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:21,331
Oh, Ma...
419
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:24,167
How come you never
told me that before?
420
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:28,038
I didn't want you to feel bad.
421
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,875
You mean that I didn't have
any brothers or sisters?
422
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:35,612
Yeah, and I didn't want you
to think that it was your fault,
423
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,813
'cause it wasn't.
424
00:18:36,815 --> 00:18:39,249
Thanks, Ma.
425
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:40,517
Oh, I love you.
426
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:43,553
Oh, I love you, too.
427
00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:44,922
And we got another baby.
428
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,591
We got Joey!
429
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:50,627
And Archie couldn't
be happier.
430
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:56,266
And now, maybe we'll have
a Patrick or a Patricia.
431
00:18:58,136 --> 00:19:02,706
Ma, I did the right thing,
didn't I...
432
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,042
telling Michael
to have that operation?
433
00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:15,919
You know what, Ma?
434
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:19,123
That's exactly the way I feel.
435
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,525
I'm gonna call Dr. Marx's
office right now
436
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,193
and call the whole thing off.
437
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,663
I mean, Michael and I
should go out to dinner first
438
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,230
and discuss it some more.
439
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,166
If we go out tonight,
will you watch Joey?
440
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,502
Oh, sure.
I'd love to.
441
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:36,339
I'll go over now
and start Archie's dinner.
442
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:39,342
You just bring Joey
whenever you're ready.
443
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:40,410
Thanks, Ma.
444
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,946
[PHONE RINGS]
445
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,814
Hello.
446
00:19:46,417 --> 00:19:48,451
Oh, hi, Dr. Shapiro.
447
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:50,687
Yeah.
448
00:19:55,593 --> 00:19:56,960
Are you sure?
449
00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:00,564
Oh, well...
450
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,334
I guess the tests don't lie.
451
00:20:05,403 --> 00:20:09,073
So...I'm not pregnant.
452
00:20:11,409 --> 00:20:14,111
Oh, no. Actually, I'm...
quite relieved,
453
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:17,981
and I'm sure that Michael
will be, too.
454
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:20,717
Yeah.
455
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:25,788
Yeah. Oh, he's just come home
and I have--yeah.
456
00:20:25,790 --> 00:20:27,324
Thank you.
457
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:28,691
Bye.
458
00:20:38,836 --> 00:20:42,572
Gee, honey, I'm so glad
that you're home.
459
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:46,276
I'm so sorry about everything
turning into such a mess.
460
00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:50,447
I think that you're
the most wonderful husband in the whole world,
461
00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:52,116
and I love you.
462
00:20:53,284 --> 00:20:55,318
I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you, honey?
463
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,721
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Doesn't hurt. I feel fine.
464
00:21:02,493 --> 00:21:05,462
Michael, that's horrible!
That's nothing to joke about.
465
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,931
Who's joking?
466
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:10,000
Stop it; it's not funny!
467
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:13,270
[NORMAL VOICE]
Gloria, I feel fine.
468
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,105
As a matter of fact,
I feel great.
469
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,075
For years, I've been
shooting off my mouth about population control;
470
00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:19,576
I finally did something
about it.
471
00:21:19,578 --> 00:21:20,977
I feel very proud of myself.
472
00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:24,014
Well, I'm not very proud
of myself.
473
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:28,218
Um, Dr. Shapiro just telephoned.
474
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:31,821
and I'm not...pregnant.
475
00:21:35,226 --> 00:21:37,494
Well...
476
00:21:39,430 --> 00:21:43,800
Hey, honey, you know,
it doesn't matter.
477
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:49,506
Look, you're fine
and I'm fine.
478
00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:51,641
Everything is okay.
479
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,543
Yeah, but I made you do this.
480
00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:56,113
I made you have
an operation that you didn't want.
481
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:58,648
Gloria, are you forgetting--
we both decided after we had Joey
482
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:01,919
that we didn't want
to have any more children.
483
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:04,021
So what's wrong
with what I did?
484
00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:05,122
Lots of things.
485
00:22:05,124 --> 00:22:07,424
Like what if something
happened to me?
486
00:22:07,426 --> 00:22:08,926
Nothing's gonna
happen to you.
487
00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:11,862
Michael, you have to face
the fact that something could.
488
00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:13,897
What if you wanted
to marry again?
489
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:17,701
Gloria, after you,
why would I ever wanna get married again?
490
00:22:20,972 --> 00:22:22,505
What does that mean?
491
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:25,242
Compliment, compliment.
492
00:22:25,244 --> 00:22:29,246
I'm just trying to say
that I only want to be married to you.
493
00:22:29,248 --> 00:22:31,949
What if I'm not around?
494
00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:34,317
I mean, it has to have
crossed your mind.
495
00:22:34,319 --> 00:22:37,654
I die, and then you
get married again,
496
00:22:37,656 --> 00:22:39,723
and your new wife
wants to have your child
497
00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:41,091
and she has a right to.
498
00:22:41,093 --> 00:22:43,493
Don't tell me you've
never thought about that before.
499
00:22:45,163 --> 00:22:46,430
All right,
I have thought about it.
500
00:22:48,466 --> 00:22:49,933
See?!
501
00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:54,037
Honey, honey, come on.
502
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,174
I'm not gonna plan
the rest of my life
503
00:22:57,176 --> 00:22:59,343
on the possibility
of losing you.
504
00:22:59,345 --> 00:23:03,480
Hey, hey, I'm glad
I did what I did,
505
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:07,217
'cause I'm betting on
my life with you.
506
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:08,818
That's what's
important to me.
507
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:11,788
That's what I care about--
my life with you.
508
00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:14,157
You really mean that?
509
00:23:14,159 --> 00:23:16,093
I really mean that.
510
00:23:20,431 --> 00:23:21,931
I love you.
511
00:23:21,933 --> 00:23:24,201
I love you, too.
512
00:23:34,712 --> 00:23:37,714
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Well, how about dinner? I'm starved!
513
00:23:37,716 --> 00:23:40,417
Do we have any of that meatloaf
left over from yesterday?
514
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:41,851
It sure was good!
515
00:24:05,109 --> 00:24:07,444
♪
516
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,947
All In The Family
was recorded on tape
517
00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:11,781
before a live audience.
518
00:24:11,831 --> 00:24:16,381
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