All language subtitles for Til Death s03e15 Ally Abroad.eng

Sync by fant0m
www.addic7ed.com

'Til Death is filmed

in front of a live
studio audience.

Eddie, you can't
order food,

Tell them it's disgusting,

Have them take it
off the check

And then ask
for a to-go.

I got a swan full of
lasagna that begs to differ.

Surprise!

Allison!

Oh, my Ally!

Hey, honey.

Hey, surprise.

Doug.

I'm so sorry
I wasn't here

To greet you guys
properly.

I was just using
the facilities.

Please tell me
that's sink water

And lie to me
if it's not.

So, what are you guys
doing here?

Mom, dad,

I have some pretty
exciting news.

No baby, no baby,
no baby, no baby.

I got off
the wait list

For the semester abroad
program.

I'm going to paris.

That is
the best news!

Oh, oh, ok.
I died for a few seconds.

Tell me what I missed?

I would leave on Friday.

I just...I just need
a check for $1,500.

Well, let's go to my bank.

You can hold it up.

What?

Honey, listen.

I would love for you
to go, but you can't.

Dad, you told me
I could go.

Yeah, I know,
but that's

When you were
on the waiting list.

You see, you're no longer
on the waiting list.

You're now
on the truth list,

And the truth is, daddy't of greenbacks.

Sir, if I may,

I think this would be

A really great
opportunity for her.

She needs to see the world.

The mushrooms
that grow in my van

Can only expand
her mind so much, you know?

I actually think

That this is a really good idea,

And I'm gonna go
get the checkbook.

H-honey, have you seen
our balance lately?

I mean, our checkbook is basically
just scrap paper with pandas on it.

What are you...
What are you doing?

We can afford this.

No, we can...
listen, the only reason

We were
out to dinner tonight

Was because you
won a raffle.

Ok, do you like that couple out there?

Do you want to look at that
for the rest of your life?

No. Then she's going on the trip.

Well, look.

What...what difference
is it gonna make anyway?

They're only gonna
be apart 6 months.

Oh! You are
so naive.

When a young woman
goes to europe,

Do you know
what happens?

No, I really don't.

But why don't we
just save $1,500

And just rent sisterhood
of the traveling pants?

She goes to Europe.

She meets european guys,

And do you know
what european guys do?

Things that make you forget
about your lame hometown boyfriend

And his van full
of magical mushrooms.

Oh, please.

Believe me.

Sophomore year, I did
a semester in madrid.

I don't think I had
my top on once.

I mean, I stepped
off the plane

And it was guy
after guy after guy.

All right.
Ok, we get it.

J-just bring it
down a notch.

Oh, I want to go
back there.

Well, you know what?

I...I think
you ended up pretty happy

With your guy
back home

Well, it is
what it is.

Come on. Listen.
We're doing this.

Whoa. No, we are
not doing it.

It is way
too expensive

And we can't
afford it.

End of conversation.

The head of the household has spoken.

You know,

Part of me is glad your
dad won't let you go.

'cause then
it'll give us

All kinds of time
to just be

And do

And feel.

Give me the pandas.

Where is Doug?

You are going
to miss your flight.

He'll be here.

Hey, you know
what, honey?

Why don't we
take you, huh?

Yeah, dad. That's a real
romantic european send-off.

You loading me down
with handiwipes

To mop the germs
off my tray table.

Everybody knows
that airplanes are

Just flying tubes
of disease.

Here he is.

I'm so sorry
I'm late.

For my fair maiden.

What are these?

Well, I was
a little nervous

About you traveling,

So, I stopped
by a creek

And gathered some pebbles
with good energy

To keep
in your purse.

Holy mother
of gayness.

Unfortunately, when
I got back to the van,

I realized
that the engine

Had dropped out
through the floor,

So I had to run
the rest of the way.

But, luckily, I found this running twig

And it totally
tripled my speed.

Running twig?
Really?

We're all just gonna let that one go?

All right. You know what?
We're gonna take you.

Daddy, I told you. I
just want to go with Doug.

Ok. Here. Take
your father's car.

Why my car?

What's the matter with your car?

My car is downtown
with a boot on it.

What?

Yeah, I got a bunch
of parking tickets.

I didn't pay 'em.
I got subpeonaed

And there's
a warrant out for my...

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, take his car.

Ok, wait...wait.
Hold it.

If you're gonna
take my car,

You gotta take
my shortcut.

No, Eddie. Not
the shortcut.

That woman has never
missed a plane in 20 years

Because of my shortcut.

Ok, now, this is
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna hop
on the 411,

Then you take
the turnpike.

You get off the exit
59b. That's 5-9er bravo.

It's gonna be a quick right,
quick right, crazy quick left.

Then you're gonna end up
at, like, this refinery, ok?

There's gonna be a gate.

You can ask
for a guy named frank.

You're gonna mention my name.
He's gonna let you through.

There's gonna be
a dirt road.

You're gonna take it 10 miles
all the way to the tarmac.

Ok, so, is that a right or
a left out of the driveway?

To a future
without Doug in it.

Mmm. Amen.

You know, I always
used to have this nightmare

Where they got married
and then their little kids

Ended up
running around

In scraggly beards
and flip-flops

Calling me granddude.

That's her. I told her to
call before she took off.

Hello?

Hey, mama.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi! I just
wanted to call

And say thank you
again for letting me go.

Oh, it's
our pleasure, babe.

Ask her if she wiped
down the tray table.

And also
the arm rest.

Honey, under
no circumstances

Do you put those
complimentary earbuds

Into your head.

They're not even on
the plane yet, Eddie.

Oh, hold on one
second, mama.

Oh! You have 16a.

I am 16b.

Who...who is
that, sweetie?

What's going on?
What's going on?

I'm just talking to the guy
who's sitting next to me.

She's talking to
the guy next...

He's french.
He sounds hot.

What does he do?

Ally, what
does he do?

I...mom, he just pulled
a magazine out of his bag.

He just pulled a
magazine out of his bag.

Have her
smell the bag.

See if it's
real leather.

I'm telling...
stop it.

Ok, mama?
I gotta go.

My flight
is boarding.

I love you guys
so much.

Ok, baby. Well, we love you, too.

Love you, angel.

Have a great flight.
Be safe. Ok. Bye. Bye.

Mwah!

♪ she's got
a boyfriend ♪

♪ and he's
from France ♪

Oh, she's probably
calling back

To tell us that
she is in love.

I want to talk
this time.

No. No. Bonjour.

What?

We found him in his car,

Upside down
on a dirt road,

Clutching a twig.

He, uh, he should
be all right,

But he got
banged up pretty good.

Are you related
to the patient?

Oh, our daughter's about
to break up with him.

Well, that should
really lift his spirits.

All right.

I'll give you guys
a minute.

Ok.

Doug.

Doug.

How's my car?

Eddie!

Are...are you ok, Doug?

Tell us what happened.

Well, when I was
taking your shortcut

Back from the airport,

I was pretty emotional from
saying good-bye to Allison.

And I was cranking
your neil diamond cd,

And midway through
forever in blue jeans,

I hit a pothole and I
just flipped the bitch.

I tried to call Allison,

But it went straight
to her voice mail.

She's probably
in the air already.

You know,
like they say.

C'est la vie.
Soup du jour.

I couldn't call
my parents.

We're not even
on speaking terms.

So, you guys
were the only ones

I could think of
to reach out to.

Well, we're glad
that you did, Doug.

Ok, we're
gonna hit it.

Oh, my God, Doug!

Honey,
what are you?

Baby!

My catheter.

I thought you left?

My plane was delayed,

So I turned on my phone
and I got your message.

God, I can't believe
I almost lost you.

I missed you so much.

Oh, I missed you more.

I never want
to be without you again.

I never want to be
without you again.

Don't go to paris.

Ok.
Will you marry me?

Totally.

Baby, you ok?

Not totally.

Oh, this is so romantic.

Our first time in the
house as fiancee and...

Guy who fianceed me.

It's...it's almost
as if the universe

Had a master plan for us to be together.

Yes. God has
certainly made

His feelings towards us
very clear.

May I get a glass
of water for my fiance?

Your fiance
would love that.

I'll be right back,
fiance.

I'll miss you,
fiancee.

Just...

Go get him the water.

Mr. And mrs. Stark...

Wait, what am I saying?

Mom, dad.

I just want
to thank you guys

For everything
that you're doing.

Well, it's
a pleasure, Doug.

So, Doug, how about we
get a hot meal in you

And get you to a
motel with a ramp?

Dad, the doctor said
it was going to be 6 weeks

Before they can even take
the screws out of his body.

Well, actually, then
they have to refracture me

And even out my legs.

You are gonna stay
right here on this couch

Until you get
out of those casts

And you're back
on your feet.

I'm gonna go grab
mom's rubber spatula

To work
your itchy parts.

Boy, there are so many things being said

That I don't
want to hear.

All right. I think
I'm gonna go up

And get Doug
a pair of your pajamas.

And we have
a winner.

Hey, I heard
about the accident.

Wanted to come by and
make sure everyone was ok.

How you doing, man?

Well, I'm in
a lot of pain and...

Cool. Listen, Eddie.

Do not take your car
to a body shop.

My cousin jimmy
is a mechanic.

He'll hook you up.

He'll fix your whole car
for, like, 90 bucks.

What are you
talking about?

Oh, yeah.
He fixes dents.

He'll pop that thing
right on out.

Kenny... Kenny, my whole
front end is caved in.

I'm telling you, man,

The man will
pop it out.

All right. Who do I
make the check out to?

Make it out
to pam's cupcakes.

Great plan, Joy.

Good job.

Let's send her
on a trip

So she can sleep her way around europe

The way mama did.

I thought it would
break them up.

It got them engaged.

You know, none of this
would have happened

If it weren't for your
stupid shortcut.

Hey, my shortcut got her
to the plane on time.

What idiot takes a
shortcut on the way home?

All right.
You know what?

If you know a shorter way,

Why wouldn't you
take it both ways, ass?

Because,

Mrs. Ass asserson,

You take a shortcut en you want
to get to some place faster.

If everybody took a
shortcut at the same time,

What would it be?

Clogged.
Use your head, woman.

Why don't you take a
small shortcut to hell?

Is that the potty mouth you used
when you were turning tricks in Spain?

Ok, everybody just calm down, all right?

We are turning
on each other

And we have a very
large problem downstairs

And we need to work
together and fix this.

You're right. Ooh.

We have to come up
with a way

Where Allison
understands

That this engagement
is a big mistake.

She is 21 years old.

This is
absolutely crazy.

We just have
to make her realize that.

How are we
going to do that?

I...I got it.
Ok. Here.

We got married young.

Really young.

Way too young.
Are you kidding me?

Heh. Look how this
turned out.

It's awful.

It's a disaster.
It's a train wreck.

I mean, look.
We have no money.

We have dead end jobs.

No plans for the future.

Hey, the only good thing
to show for our marriage

Is downstairs itchin'
a cripple's business

With your flatware.

So, we'll tell Allison

If she gets married
this young,

She's gonna turn out
just like us.

That'll scare
the hell out of her.

That's perfect.

Let's go down there
right now.

No, no, no.
We can't go right now.

Not in front of Doug.

Tomorrow,
I will get her alone

And I will
take care of this.

Oh...oh, ok. Ok. We'll do it that way.

I mean, who better to show her
how bad marriage is than us?

I love you.

I love you, too.

You wanna have sex?

No.
Me neither.

What are you doing?

I thought you were
gonna pop it out?

I can't pop it out.

I gave the man my word
that you would pop it out.

Some things
are not poppable.

Pop it!
You pop it. I quit.

Good!

How's it going
over there?

Oh, good, good, good.

Just taking a 5.

Put on your driving gloves.

Real soon.
Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Hey.

How's it
going, guys?

Pretty good.

I'm just reteaching
my mouth how to chew.

Guess who's
up to pudding?

You keep working
the miracles, kids.

All right. Well?

So, did you
talk to Allison?

No, I haven't had a
chance to get her alone.

Ever since
the engagement,

Those two are joined
at the shattered hip.

Okay, guess who's
ready for their sponge bath?

Come here.
What?

Ahem. Hey, Allison!

I think that maybe you've
done enough for today.

Why don't you let your...your
dad take care of this one?

Take care of what one?

You know, giving Doug his sponge bath.

What the hell?

Come on.

You know, I think that
it will give me a chance

To have some alone
time with Allison

And...and also an opportunity for you

To do some father-in-law,
son-in-law bonding.

Oh, why do we have to
jump right to sponge bath?

Maybe I can wheel him
to a strip club.

Man up,
grab a sponge,

And bathe your
future son-in-law.

Sir, you don't
have to do this

If it makes you
uncomfortable.

No. I want to.

No one knows
how to bathe a man

Better than another man.

Sir, don't you think it would be
more effective if you looked at me?

No, I do not.

Don't take it
personally,

But I once spent a
whole summer washing dogs

And I couldn't look them
in the eye, either.

Oh, yeah. That's
the spot right there.

What spot?

No, I'm just...
I'm just saying

That that feels
really good.

Doug.
Yes, sir?

Say that
one more time

And I'm throwing
in the hair dryer.

You know, sweetie,
I just, um,

I want to talk about
this engagement thing.

I mean, you just...
you're so young

And your dad and I, we
got married very young.

I know. You guys
totally inspire me.

Inspire you to what?

To be like you.

I mean, I've always
wanted what you guys have.

Of course. I mean,
who wouldn't?

What exactly do we have?

Uh, an amazing
relationship?

I mean, all of my friends'
parents are divorced

And they hate
each other,

But you guys,

I mean, you're
still together

After all of these
years and you still

Are best friends.

We do make a pretty good team, I guess.

Pretty good?

Mom, the reason
that I'm so confident

About getting
married to Doug

Is because you've
shown me first hand

How great
a marriage can be.

Are you crying?

No.

And perfect.

All right.

Ok, let's
flip me over.

Uh, just a heads up.

The back of my thighs

Is where a lot
of things congeal.

Ok. Ahem.

You know what?

Let's, uh, let's
take a union fiver

For the scrubber, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God!

Hey, sir.

Can I share
something with you?

I'm kinda
getting cold feet.

Oh, oh, really?

Really, Doug? So, your
feet are cold now, huh?

Well, it isn't going
great over here, either.

This is the least
happy I've ever been

Sitting
on the toilet.

No, no. I mean
about the engagement.

Go on.

Well, I don't know
if it was the emotion

Of seeing Allison go away

Or the trauma
of the accident

Or the fact
that I was

Pretty hopped up
on painkillers.

I mean, my body
isn't used to drugs

That don't come
in a brownie, you know?

Well, I'm
starting to think

That maybe I might have made a mistake.

I mean, I love
your daughter so much

But I just...I'm
not sure we're ready.

If you're asking
my permission

To not marry
my daughter,

The answer is "yes."

Joy?

Joy Joy?

Darling?

Great news.
The wedding's...

In my bedroom.

Listen, I thought you were
going to talk her out of it.

I know.
I was going to,

But then, you know,

She started talking
about you and me

And how she admired
our relationship

And how cute
we are together

And I just want
to eat your nose.

What is wrong
with you?

Nothing.

It's just
Allison reminded me

That we actually have
a pretty great marriage

And, you know,
we're her role models.

What are you? High?

Did you get
into Doug's brownies?

What?
Come on, Eddie.

I'm happy. They're
happy. Everybody's happy.

Well, I'm not happy

Because I just spent an
hour playing rub-a-dub-Doug

So you could put
the kibosh on this.

I'm sorry. I guess I just got
a little swept up in the moment.

Swept up in the moment?

You practically
set the date.

Well, actually...

But...but!

Please, listen. It
doesn't matter, ok?

Because Doug already
has cold feet,

And he agrees that they're
too young to even do this.

Doug, tell her what you
told me earlier. Go ahead.

What do you think?

I don't know how I ever
could have doubted this.

You're the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Oh, I'm hurt.

Ok, we got $1,500 for a
nonrefundable plane ticket.

Yep.

And you prepaid
the room and board

For an entire
semester.

Sure did.
Saved us 50 bucks.

Ok, so, 50 bucks

Goes towards the $700
penalty I had to pay

For an uninsured
motorist driving my car.

And that leaves us
a net loss of...

2150.

2150.

Ok, that means all
the food in our kitchen

Has to last us
for another...

3 months. But...but... but...but.

3 months.

How's my car?

I'm gonna level
with you, man.

Bad news is, we cannot
fix that car for 90 bucks.

Good news is,
my cousin tito

Will tow it away
for $120.

Can I get an apple?
Not until March.

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