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1
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:20,868
Here it is.
Here it is.
2
00:01:20,901 --> 00:01:22,367
What? What?
3
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:26,067
"Charles Darwin Tonight,
starring Bobby Wheeler."
4
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,834
We made enough money in
the first two weeks
5
00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:29,434
of the show to run
an ad in the paper.
6
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:30,734
Ooh! Let me see!
7
00:01:30,767 --> 00:01:33,667
"A one-man show based on the
life of Charles Darwin."
8
00:01:33,701 --> 00:01:36,901
When I first read the script,
I said to myself,
9
00:01:36,934 --> 00:01:39,400
"There's something
about this play
10
00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:41,033
that I would go see."
11
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:42,200
What?
12
00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:45,767
Me, alone on stage
for 90 minutes.
13
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:47,534
LOUIE:
90 minutes?!
14
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,634
I didn't know ham
could keep that long
15
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,534
under hot lights.
16
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:54,734
Food's here, guys.
Hey, hey!
17
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:55,734
Great!
We're starving!
18
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:56,734
All right!
19
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:57,901
I could use some
of that stuff.
20
00:01:57,934 --> 00:01:59,234
Yeah.
Hey, you know what?
21
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:00,400
What?
22
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:01,634
They gave us
extra contest coupons.
23
00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:03,200
What contest is that?
BOBBY: Hey!
24
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:05,567
Oh, they give you a coupon
with every purchase.
25
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:06,901
If you get two coupons
that match,
26
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:08,501
you get the prize
that's in 'em.
27
00:02:08,534 --> 00:02:10,601
Come on, tell me something.
28
00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:12,234
Have you ever met,
or do you know, anybody
29
00:02:12,267 --> 00:02:14,701
who's ever won one
of those contests?
30
00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:15,701
I do.
31
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:16,734
Who?
32
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,701
Me. I have won.
33
00:02:18,734 --> 00:02:19,701
I have a match.
34
00:02:19,734 --> 00:02:21,834
( all cheering )
35
00:02:21,868 --> 00:02:23,868
I won a complete
men's wardrobe.
36
00:02:23,901 --> 00:02:25,367
Hey, congratulations, Latka.
37
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,534
Ooh! Is that the first time
you've ever won anything?
38
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:31,267
No. Once, in my country,
one year,
39
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,868
I won the prize in the lottery.
40
00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:35,801
Oh, yeah? What'd you win--
money, Latka?
41
00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:38,100
No, no. A fly swatter.
42
00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:40,367
That's some lottery.
43
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,467
That doesn't sound
like much of a prize, Latka.
44
00:02:42,501 --> 00:02:46,234
No, he was a good worker
and a very nice man.
45
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,100
Anyway, I got to go...
46
00:02:49,133 --> 00:02:52,234
I got to go and pick
up my new threads.
47
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:53,734
See you, Latka.
48
00:02:53,767 --> 00:02:56,167
( mutters ):
I don't believe this.
49
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,501
Did anybody happen to read
John Bowman's review
50
00:02:58,534 --> 00:03:00,834
on Anouilh's
Thieves' Carnival
51
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,534
in this morning's paper?
52
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:04,834
No, I didn't.
53
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:11,300
Did you read the story...
about the woman...
54
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:16,000
who got her cat's head
stuck in her mouth?
55
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,801
No, Jim, I missed
that one.
56
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,501
Well...
57
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,534
( clears throat )
58
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:29,234
...let me find it
for you.
59
00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:34,767
L-Let me do mine
first, okay?
60
00:03:34,801 --> 00:03:37,434
John Bowman is one of
the biggest critics
61
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:38,901
in New York City,
62
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:40,501
and one of the worst,
if you ask me.
63
00:03:40,534 --> 00:03:42,667
I mean, he hates
everything he sees.
64
00:03:42,701 --> 00:03:44,701
I mean, the man
does not critique,
65
00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:45,834
he humiliates.
66
00:03:45,868 --> 00:03:48,667
He's not a reviewer,
he's an assassin.
67
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,801
Here, here, here, look, look.
Read this.
68
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:52,667
Read it for
yourself.
69
00:03:52,701 --> 00:03:54,667
"A 30-millimeter cannon
70
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:57,334
"fired at the stage
during production
71
00:03:57,367 --> 00:04:00,200
could not hit anything
worth saving."
72
00:04:00,234 --> 00:04:02,200
Hey, I'd like to see that.
73
00:04:02,234 --> 00:04:03,434
What time do they
shoot off the cannon?
74
00:04:05,334 --> 00:04:07,667
"Forgettable as all
the performances may be,
75
00:04:07,701 --> 00:04:11,534
"that of Patty Ganzel seems
to vanish before your eyes.
76
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:13,868
"Not only is
her acting suspect,
77
00:04:13,901 --> 00:04:15,634
"but her appearance
is so horrifying
78
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,868
"that it should henceforth
be a felony
79
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:20,701
to yell 'Patty Ganzel'
in a crowded theater."
80
00:04:20,734 --> 00:04:22,701
Ooh! Ouch!
Ow!
81
00:04:22,734 --> 00:04:24,400
That is not
a nice review.
82
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:27,100
This is not a nice man.
83
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,367
But the terrible part is,
is he has power.
84
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,868
Hey, I saw this play,
and it wasn't that bad.
85
00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:35,868
I mean, it needed work,
but it didn't need to be killed
86
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:39,067
and I know Patty,
and she doesn't deserve this.
87
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:42,634
But, Bobby, he's a critic,
so, uh, so what can you do?
88
00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:45,400
I tell you exactly what
I can do.
89
00:04:45,434 --> 00:04:48,267
I can write this guy a letter
and tell him what I think of him
90
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:49,934
as a critic
and as a human being.
91
00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,501
All right, Bobby.
92
00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:52,834
You know, better yet,
93
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:54,834
I'm going to write
the newspaper,
94
00:04:54,868 --> 00:04:56,501
so everybody
can read it!
95
00:04:56,534 --> 00:04:58,133
Ooh! Good idea!
I'm gonna get you some paper.
96
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,834
Oh, good.
Okay. All right.
97
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,601
Oh, boy, I'm gonna
tell 'em exactly...
98
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:03,767
Bobby, you really serious
about this thing?
99
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:05,100
You bet I am.
100
00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:07,434
Well, then open up
on him, Bob.
101
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:08,601
No, no, you see, Tony,
102
00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:10,234
I have to handle this
with some finesse.
103
00:05:10,267 --> 00:05:13,167
You see, I don't want
to sink to his level.
104
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,167
Uh, Bobby?
105
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,267
Yeah?
106
00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:17,434
"Slime wad" is two words.
107
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,133
Oh. Thanks.
108
00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:20,801
My pleasure.
109
00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:25,200
Okay, now. "Your reviews are..."
110
00:05:25,234 --> 00:05:28,434
Listen, I really need
some, like, strong adjectives.
111
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:30,300
Uh, how about
"reprehensible"?
112
00:05:30,334 --> 00:05:31,701
Oh, that's good.
113
00:05:31,734 --> 00:05:33,234
"Indecent."
114
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:34,300
Perfect!
115
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,167
"Purple."
116
00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,367
Not as close.
117
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,934
Ah.
118
00:05:44,501 --> 00:05:45,734
Good.
119
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:46,734
TONY:
Good, good, yeah.
120
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:47,968
Yeah.
121
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:55,267
Signed,
"Robert L. Wheeler, an actor."
122
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,767
Boy, I'd hate to
get that letter.
123
00:05:57,801 --> 00:05:59,901
That is very strong.
124
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:00,968
Yes, it is, and it's
125
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,467
a very angry letter
to a very powerful man, Bob.
126
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:06,801
Yes, and he is really gonna
know who you are after he gets this letter.
127
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,567
I don't think I need "hate"
in this sentence.
128
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:12,567
Bobby, Bobby, don't
change nothing, man.
129
00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:13,634
It's perfect.
130
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:16,067
This guy will go crazy
when he gets that letter.
131
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,200
You know, you're right.
132
00:06:18,234 --> 00:06:20,033
I can't send this.
133
00:06:20,067 --> 00:06:21,200
What are you doing?
134
00:06:21,234 --> 00:06:22,467
Ah...
135
00:06:22,501 --> 00:06:23,467
What are you doing?
136
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:24,734
I can't send this, Tony.
137
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,901
Bowman will have me
for breakfast.
138
00:06:26,934 --> 00:06:29,234
Maybe someday,
when I'm a big star--
139
00:06:29,267 --> 00:06:30,834
you know, then he
can't hurt me--
140
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:33,567
but right now,
I'm a struggling young actor
141
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:35,567
and I got to protect myself.
142
00:06:35,601 --> 00:06:36,567
LOUIE:
Wheeler.
143
00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:37,701
Let's drive.
144
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:40,234
I think you did
the smart thing, Bob.
145
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,067
I think you chickened out, Bob.
146
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,934
Tony, I didn't
chicken out.
147
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,567
That letter could have
cost me my career.
148
00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,501
ALEX:
You did a smart thing, Bob.
149
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,901
Yo.
150
00:06:50,934 --> 00:06:52,934
Minus ten
and counting.
151
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,133
I can't do this.
152
00:07:21,234 --> 00:07:23,567
It could ruin his career.
153
00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:32,133
Fate.
154
00:08:03,534 --> 00:08:04,534
Stop that!
155
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,367
What are you doing?
156
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,901
What are you dressed
like that for?
157
00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:11,901
I won it
in the hamburger contest.
158
00:08:11,934 --> 00:08:14,701
Get those things off.
159
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:16,067
Geez.
160
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:41,400
Hey, has anybody seen
today's paper yet?
161
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:43,300
No.
No, I didn't.
162
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:47,567
Did the lady get the cat's head
out of her mouth?
163
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:49,434
Come on, Jim,
who cares about that?
164
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:53,334
Well, I know a cat and a lady
who care plenty.
165
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:55,734
Come on,
what's in the paper?
166
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,868
Look at that, it's Bobby's
letter, he sent it in--
167
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:59,067
the one about John Bowman.
168
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:00,234
All right, Bobby.
He sent the letter.
169
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:02,067
He must have
changed his mind.
170
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:04,400
Yeah, it took a lot of courage
for him to send that one in.
171
00:09:04,434 --> 00:09:06,634
Yeah, a whole lot of courage.
172
00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:09,033
An incredible amount of courage.
173
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,434
It wasn't Bobby.
174
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:12,834
Nah, not him.
175
00:09:12,868 --> 00:09:15,434
No. Somebody must have
gone through the trash can
176
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:16,901
and, uh, sent the letter
to the paper
177
00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:18,200
without Bobby
knowing about it.
178
00:09:18,234 --> 00:09:19,968
Ah, who could be so rotten?
179
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,968
( bell dings )
180
00:09:24,968 --> 00:09:26,634
Louie, how could you?
181
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,501
Do you realize this could
cost Bobby his career?
182
00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:33,033
Louie, could I talk to you
for a minute?
183
00:09:33,067 --> 00:09:35,434
I kinda figured you'd wanna.
184
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,300
( cackling )
185
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:41,267
I kind of figured you'd do that,
186
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:44,467
so I came prepared
to get into that cage.
187
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:47,133
He's going to get in the cage--
188
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:48,467
this fortress--
189
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:50,634
he's going to get in.
190
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,467
No way.
191
00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:54,601
This is hermetically
sealed, this cage.
192
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:01,634
All right.
193
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,567
All right, now,
don't come near me.
194
00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:04,567
I mean it.
195
00:10:04,601 --> 00:10:06,067
I'm going to get him
this time!
196
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,534
Nobody... nothing's
gonna stop me!
197
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:09,234
Hey, Bobby, it's your agent.
198
00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:13,033
My agent's calling me?!
199
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,400
Okay, okay, Louie,
you stay right there.
200
00:10:15,434 --> 00:10:16,734
Alex, come over here.
201
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,100
Take this.
202
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,801
Make sure he doesn't
slither out of there.
203
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:20,934
ALEX:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
204
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,100
Louie, you know, I've had it.
205
00:10:23,133 --> 00:10:24,434
You've had enough.
206
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,767
You've really done it this time.
207
00:10:26,801 --> 00:10:29,767
When you sent that letter in,
you went one step too far.
208
00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:30,801
Here, Bob.
209
00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:33,534
Hello?
210
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,601
Yeah, hi.
211
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:39,601
Listen, uh, about that letter.
212
00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:42,100
It was a big mist...
213
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:43,934
Real... Really?!
214
00:10:43,968 --> 00:10:48,267
Hey, well, that's really
nice of you to say.
215
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,934
That's, uh...
216
00:10:49,968 --> 00:10:52,634
Well, yeah, I guess it did
take a little courage to send it
217
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:54,634
but I've had that guy
up to here,
218
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:56,133
you know what I mean?
219
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,300
And you know what?
220
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:58,801
I'm going to send him
another one!
221
00:10:58,834 --> 00:11:00,334
Yeah! Yeah!
222
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:01,968
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
223
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,667
Talk to you again sometime.
224
00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:04,968
That was my agent.
225
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,400
He called me.
226
00:11:06,434 --> 00:11:09,267
He liked the letter
that I wrote to John Bowman.
227
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,534
Whoo-hoo!
228
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:13,801
That's not the only call
you got this morning, Bob.
229
00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:15,567
What are you talking about?
230
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:18,901
I'm afraid my little scheme
backfired on me.
231
00:11:18,934 --> 00:11:21,901
I've been taking messages
for you all morning--
232
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:25,434
all of them from people
congratulating you
233
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:26,434
on the stand you made.
234
00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:27,934
Yeah?
235
00:11:27,968 --> 00:11:30,100
Yep. Here's one
from your union president.
236
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:32,667
"Tell him
we're proud of him."
237
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:34,434
Here's another one--
238
00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:37,234
"...a credit
to our profession."
239
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:39,434
Here's one
from a repertory company.
240
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:42,968
"We wish we had the guts
to do it."
241
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:43,968
Look at that.
242
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,200
Holy...!
243
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:49,200
There's some
really big names here.
244
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:50,501
Oh, wow!
245
00:11:50,534 --> 00:11:52,834
Now I'm a hero and
great-looking.
246
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:58,133
I'm proud of you, Bobby.
247
00:11:58,167 --> 00:11:59,734
You pounded that guy. Oh!
248
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,000
And that is not all.
249
00:12:01,033 --> 00:12:02,334
What, what, what?
250
00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:04,434
I got one here
from your producer,
251
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,567
who said to tell you that
because of your letter
252
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,734
and the attention
that it's drawn,
253
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:10,801
ticket sales have gone crazy.
254
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:12,601
All right!
255
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:13,801
( whooping )
256
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,067
Hey, I may even
get paid this week.
257
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,567
ALEX:
It paid off this time, eh?
258
00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:19,567
And...
What?
259
00:12:19,601 --> 00:12:22,367
I saved the best
for last.
260
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,601
What?
261
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:26,367
Your producer also told me
to tell you
262
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:31,267
that a certain very special VIP
263
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,434
called personally
264
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:36,701
and asked for tickets
for your show for tonight.
265
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:38,734
To see me?
266
00:12:38,767 --> 00:12:40,701
Especially to see you.
267
00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:41,767
Ooh! Who is it?
268
00:12:41,801 --> 00:12:42,868
Guess.
269
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:44,267
Oh, come on, Louie,
I can't guess.
270
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:46,267
Is it somebody,
like, real big?
271
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,434
I mean, come on,
give me a hint.
272
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:48,767
Big name.
Big name, Bob.
273
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,100
Oh, come on.
274
00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:51,167
Big.
275
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,267
Please, please,
tell me, tell me.
276
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:54,200
No, no, no, no,
you gotta guess.
277
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:55,868
No, no, no...
278
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:56,968
no, you gotta guess.
279
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,901
No! All right,
I'll give you hints.
280
00:12:58,934 --> 00:13:00,067
Oh, oh, good, good,
good, good.
281
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,000
Okay, all right,
listen.
282
00:13:01,033 --> 00:13:02,033
Are you ready?
Yeah. Yah-huh.
283
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,367
Good.
284
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,367
Two.
285
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,234
Oh, uh, two words.
286
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,400
Two, uh, names.
287
00:13:07,434 --> 00:13:09,334
Uh, first name.
288
00:13:14,234 --> 00:13:15,000
Sign.
289
00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:16,567
Uh, rest rooms.
290
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:19,067
Uh... From Here To Eternity.
291
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,400
Jim, Jim--
shh, shh, shh.
292
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:23,868
Wait. Wait.
293
00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:24,767
John?
294
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:25,767
Right.
295
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:26,767
All right!
296
00:13:26,801 --> 00:13:28,767
Uh, second name.
297
00:13:30,767 --> 00:13:31,734
Bing!
298
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:32,734
Arrow.
299
00:13:32,767 --> 00:13:33,934
Oh, oh--
300
00:13:33,968 --> 00:13:34,934
Robin Hood.
301
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:38,801
Uh, The Magnificent Seven.
302
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:40,868
Jim, Jim, shh. Wait.
303
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:42,767
Uh, okay. Uh, John. John.
304
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,601
John Archer. John Shooter.
305
00:13:44,634 --> 00:13:46,033
John...
306
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,033
Bowman.
307
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:47,868
BOBBY:
Bowman! Right!
308
00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:49,601
John Bowman!
309
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:52,767
John Bowman the critic
is coming to see me?
310
00:13:52,801 --> 00:13:54,434
Oh, it's John Bowman!
311
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,801
John Bowman...
312
00:13:57,334 --> 00:13:58,367
The guy I insulted
313
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:03,434
is coming to review me
and rip me limb to limb.
314
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,634
Oh, God.
Bing.
315
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:22,667
For my own part,
I'd as soon be descended
316
00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:25,000
from that heroic little monkey
317
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:27,534
who braved his
most dreaded enemy
318
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,801
to save the life of his keeper,
319
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:32,534
as from a savage
320
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:36,133
who delights
to torture his enemies,
321
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:40,133
practices infanticide
with no remorse,
322
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:41,968
knows no decency...
323
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:47,234
and is haunted
by the grossest superstitions.
324
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:50,200
( crowd cheering )
325
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,834
Coffee will be served
during the intermission
326
00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:59,534
in the lobby.
327
00:14:59,567 --> 00:15:01,033
Hey, Bob,
328
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,434
that was...
329
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,267
A disaster.
330
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,434
No, Bobby.
331
00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:08,267
The play stinks.
332
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:10,067
I stink.
333
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,334
Oh, come on, Bob.
334
00:15:12,367 --> 00:15:14,100
Oh, no, oh,
Bowman hates it.
335
00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:16,000
Bowman hates it,
and I bet you
336
00:15:16,033 --> 00:15:18,033
he is loving
hating it, too.
337
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,133
Bobby.
338
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:22,467
That was great.
339
00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:24,567
That was just great.
340
00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:27,033
You know, this is the first time
I ever see it
341
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:29,200
and I don't know
why everybody say
342
00:15:29,234 --> 00:15:31,033
it is too long and boring.
343
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,534
You know, I enjoyed it
344
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:35,200
and to me, I think
it was just right.
345
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,701
Well, there's a second
act coming up, Latka.
346
00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:39,200
Not for me,
there isn't.
347
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:41,067
Eh, good-bye.
Good-bye.
348
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:48,634
Bobby... it's going great--
349
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:49,868
better than the last time.
350
00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:52,133
Jim laughed through
the whole first act.
351
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:55,901
Look, guys, I know
what you're doing
352
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:58,234
and I really appreciate it
353
00:15:58,267 --> 00:16:01,934
but I know a bomb
when I've been hit by one.
354
00:16:03,868 --> 00:16:08,634
Ha! You crazy guy.
355
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,367
Charles Darwin, eh?
356
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,000
( guffawing )
357
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:14,667
Loony!
358
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:16,934
Thanks, Jim.
I'm glad you liked it.
359
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:19,000
Hey, listen,
if you guys don't mind,
360
00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:21,334
I got to get myself
together, here.
361
00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:23,000
Oh, yeah.
362
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:25,067
I age 40 years
in this thing.
363
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:27,033
Yeah, I guess it feels
that way, huh?
364
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,868
No, Darwin is 40 years
older in Act Two.
365
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:30,968
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
366
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,968
Let's, um... we better
get outta here. Come on.
367
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,334
They're gonna start
the second act.
368
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:35,868
Come on,
let's get to our seats.
369
00:16:35,901 --> 00:16:38,100
Just a sec.
370
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:38,701
Uh, Bobby?
371
00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:39,767
Hmm?
372
00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:42,033
Can I borrow your comb?
373
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,400
Sure.
374
00:16:59,868 --> 00:17:01,667
Uh, Jim,
375
00:17:01,701 --> 00:17:04,467
why don't you just keep it?
376
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,767
Oh.
377
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:08,400
Thanks.
378
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:21,234
Okay, Bob.
379
00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:22,567
Alex?
380
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:24,100
Yeah?
381
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:31,434
This is the worst night
of my entire life.
382
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,934
Oh, no, Bob. Bob.
383
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,267
You're doing great.
384
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:35,667
Oh, yeah. Sure.
385
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:37,634
( sighs )
386
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,567
( grunts )
387
00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:56,167
( audience applauding )
388
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,601
We will now discuss,
in further detail,
389
00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:02,200
the struggle for existence.
390
00:18:02,234 --> 00:18:05,767
( Jim laughing hysterically )
391
00:18:09,267 --> 00:18:12,834
You know,you were
very, very good tonight.
392
00:18:12,868 --> 00:18:14,467
No, I wasn't, Elaine.
393
00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:15,901
I stunk tonight.
394
00:18:15,934 --> 00:18:17,033
Oh, come on, Bob.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
395
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:19,300
Hey, Bobby,
I think you were great.
396
00:18:19,334 --> 00:18:22,968
I mean, in that second act,
you were sweating like a pig.
397
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,133
I've never, never, never
seen anybody sweat like that.
398
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,901
That's what I call talent.
399
00:18:27,934 --> 00:18:30,133
Well, unfortunately,
the only thing
400
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,834
that matters
is what Bowman thinks
401
00:18:31,868 --> 00:18:33,634
and he's going
to rip me to shreds.
402
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:34,534
ALEX:
Aw, come on.
403
00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:36,968
Oh, my God.
404
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,934
John Bowman just
walked in the door.
405
00:18:39,968 --> 00:18:41,601
Don't look.
406
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:43,567
Jim!
407
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:45,267
Why would he be here?
408
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:48,534
Well, maybe he's come
to kill me with his bare hands.
409
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,000
( low, indistinct speaking )
410
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,234
Mr. Wheeler?
411
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:58,267
Uh, yes.
412
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,667
They told me at the theater
I could find you here.
413
00:19:00,701 --> 00:19:02,434
My name is John Bowman
414
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,133
or, as you referred
to me in your letter:
415
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:06,834
"The carbuncle on the butt
of the American theater."
416
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:11,868
Mr. Carbuncle?
417
00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:18,033
My name's Jim Ignatowski.
418
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:21,100
Could I speak to you
for a moment in private?
419
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:22,367
Sure!
420
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:24,400
Will you all excuse us
421
00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:27,334
for a couple of minutes?
422
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,200
Right this way, bunky.
423
00:19:30,234 --> 00:19:34,467
Jim! Jim, Jim, Jim,
he's talking to me.
424
00:19:34,501 --> 00:19:39,701
Oh. Gee, I feel kind of silly.
425
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:47,033
Is he the playwright?
426
00:19:48,334 --> 00:19:50,033
Right over here.
427
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:52,767
To be perfectly honest,
Mr. Wheeler,
428
00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:54,434
I went to
the theater tonight,
429
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:57,734
expecting-- and hoping--
to hate everything I saw.
430
00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:58,968
I was disappointed.
431
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,167
You mean you liked the play?
432
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,434
Are you insane?
433
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,367
That play is
an excellent argument
434
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,601
for dying young.
435
00:20:07,634 --> 00:20:09,601
Then what did you
like about it?
436
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:14,601
I thought your performance
was engaging and energetic...
437
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:16,767
and, uh, courageous.
438
00:20:16,801 --> 00:20:19,501
Here. It's all here
in my review.
439
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:27,968
"One of the most
promising young actors
440
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,300
"to emerge this season...
441
00:20:30,334 --> 00:20:33,667
"...triumphs over
impossible material...
442
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,634
"He made me feel optimistic
443
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:41,167
about off-off-Broadway
theater again."
444
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,634
Mr. Bowman...
445
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:45,801
this is amazing.
446
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:47,467
I have to apologize
447
00:20:47,501 --> 00:20:50,167
for everything that I
said in that letter.
448
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:55,133
For you to come here
and show me this...
449
00:20:56,601 --> 00:20:59,300
...well, uh,
I'm overwhelmed.
450
00:21:00,934 --> 00:21:02,934
And people are
going to know
451
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:04,801
that you have
a lot of integrity
452
00:21:04,834 --> 00:21:07,200
when this comes out
in the newspaper in the morning.
453
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:11,234
Well, too bad it's not going
to come out in the newspaper.
454
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:14,200
What-what-what...
what are you doing?
455
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:17,033
This is what you should have
done with your letter.
456
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,033
You see, Mr. Wheeler,
457
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:22,367
a bad review
could make you a hero.
458
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,400
A good review
could make you a star.
459
00:21:25,434 --> 00:21:28,400
No review
will keep you anonymous
460
00:21:28,434 --> 00:21:31,901
and you can keep on acting
in church basements
461
00:21:31,934 --> 00:21:35,167
and supermarket openings,
and your own mirror
462
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,400
for the rest of your life.
463
00:21:37,434 --> 00:21:41,767
Well, I enjoyed seeing you,
Mr. Wheeler.
464
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,567
Ah, I've had
a wonderful evening.
465
00:21:44,601 --> 00:21:47,734
Hold it. Hold it. Now...
466
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:54,234
you mean you came here
to show me this good review
467
00:21:54,267 --> 00:21:58,300
just to tear it up in my face?
468
00:21:59,634 --> 00:22:02,300
Well, that's the cruelest thing
I've ever seen.
469
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,167
Thank you.
470
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:07,834
BOBBY:
Please, reconsider.
471
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:11,033
I'll tape it back together.
472
00:22:14,267 --> 00:22:15,367
What am I doing?
473
00:22:16,801 --> 00:22:20,567
I'm on my knees,
here on the floor,
474
00:22:20,601 --> 00:22:25,567
groveling in dirt and beer,
and for what?
475
00:22:25,601 --> 00:22:28,200
Because of what you think of me?
476
00:22:28,234 --> 00:22:30,734
Well, that's crazy.
477
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:34,934
The only thing that matters
478
00:22:34,968 --> 00:22:38,834
is what I thought
of my performance tonight.
479
00:22:38,868 --> 00:22:41,601
( grumbles )
480
00:22:41,634 --> 00:22:42,968
Right!
Right on, Bob!
481
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,067
( all talking )
482
00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:47,467
Hey! That's the Bobby
of old, baby!
483
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:52,467
Bobby, the only thing
that matters is your opinion.
484
00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:55,000
Right,
and you thought you stunk!
485
00:23:01,934 --> 00:23:05,400
( theme music playing )
486
00:23:28,934 --> 00:23:30,501
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
487
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:31,868
( grunts )
488
00:23:31,918 --> 00:23:36,468
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