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1
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Dammit! Brain Freeze is too hard.
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I knew I should've gone for Funny Bone.
3
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Step aside!
4
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One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.
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Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?
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That depends, what are we talking about?
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Ah-haa! Ha-haaa! Let's play again.
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- No.
- Oh, come on,
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if you do, I promise that every time I hit the buzzer I'll act like I'm getting electrocuted, like this:
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That's awesome, but no. My blood sugar's a little low.
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You want a cookie?
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Turk's blood sugar was low because he has Type II diabetes
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and hasn't figured out his medication yet.
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Mulattos.
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They're Milanos, you idiot.
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I always thought that was a little bigoted for a cookie.
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Cookie racism aside, I had bigger problems.
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It had been three weeks since our dad died, and my brother Dan was still staying with me.
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Boy, nothing like a little time off to remind you how hard you been working, huh?
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You bar tend three shifts a week.
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Two. They dropped me one for doinking the Jell-o shot girl.
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- Hey!
- Hey!
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Sorry I'm late.
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Since I had dumped Elliot and broke her heart, she couldn't really be there for me.
25
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But thankfully she was there for my brother.
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You doing okay?
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I am now.
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You know, without Elliot, I never woulda gotten through my dad's death.
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Our dad's death.
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Right. Air-hockey?
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Oh, hellooo.
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Women are checking me out lately.
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Was it the ten push-ups I've been cranking out every other Sunday?
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Perhaps.
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More likely it was the pledge I made not to date anyone until Elliot did.
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See, since then, the gals have been all over me.
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Can I buy you a drink?
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I'm sorry, sugar, this store is closed.
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They've been all over me.
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Very impressive, but I'm sorry.
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You have some... gum... on your shoe.
42
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Dr. Clock, do you have a minute?
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Sure. I was just talking to Dr. Bromberg about switching shifts...
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so that I can go to Mexico for my mom's wedding. I am so psyched!
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She is getting married to this guy that has been like a father to me since I was this big.
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Actually, maybe I was this big... How tall was I in fourth grade?
47
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It's a mystery!
48
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Now, our old hospital psychiatrist used to write my wife, Enid, a prescription for crazy pills.
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He was a dear, dear friend, but he died or moved or something and now I need you to do the honors.
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Have her come in for a few sessions, I'll gladly prescribe antidepressants.
51
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That's going to be a problem.
52
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Why?
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She doesn't know she's taking them.
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The key to sleeping in the on-call room...
55
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is to block out the noises around you like snoring, teeth-grinding, or even...
56
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...on-call room nookie.
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Hello, my old friend, how I've missed you.
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That's feel good.
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Yes, it does.
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Time out, male moaning! Party's over!
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Hey!
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Hey, little brother.
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Scrubs �pisode 4x07:
My common enemy
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Transcript: http:/scrubs. mopnt. com/scripts/
Script & Timing: Siefaz Pour www. forom. com
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You know, on'The Sopranos,'
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if a guy caught his brother with his ex-girlfriend,
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he'd just rub his ass out!
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Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone,
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there's gonna be some serious ass-rubbing.
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I shouldn't smack-talk.
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Hey, mind if I join you guys?
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I think the question you should be asking is, "Mind if I diddle your ex?"
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Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your on-going streak...
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of being the world's worst older brother!
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Thanks, Coxy!
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I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
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Listen, Dan...
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J.D., let me explain.
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I came to the hospital to see you,
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and then I ran into Elliot and it just happened.
81
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It was a one-time thing.
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I'm okay with it.
83
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Great,'cause it's been going on for a few weeks.
84
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Elliot's amazing! Smart, funny... hhhot.
85
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I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did.
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Haven't felt this good since my dad died.
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Our dad.
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Right.
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Hold up!
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When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something.
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Did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
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A friend wouldn't ask and a gentleman wouldn't tell.
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Did you?
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Twice! But we didn't go under the sheets out of respect.
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How thoughtful!
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I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother.
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Our prayers go out to you and your family.
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Thank you, Doctor. That's very kind.
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That'll be seventeen hundred dollars.
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Sir. Sir?
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It is not your job to collect money from patients!
102
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I know, but I just fired the woman who usually does it.
103
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You fired Glenda? Why?
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Oh, how precious!
105
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Mind if I hold him?
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Go right ahead.
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I FINALLY GOT A BABY!
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She was stealing from the hospital.
109
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Oh, Dr. Clock. Uh, look,
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I'm afraid I wasn't being honest with you before.
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In my job, it seems like I'm always the bad guy.
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Hard as this is to admit, it gets to me sometimes.
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The point is, the antidepressants I asked you to prescribe weren't for my wife, they were for me.
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Oh, I understand. So what dosage are you on?
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Where are my Fig Newtons, Bob?!
116
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I'm getting them, dear!
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About half a Newton?
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No dice.
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Hey!
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Boy, oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy.
121
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And trust me, he'll make you pay.
122
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Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I bet he's a sweetheart.
123
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No, no. Underneath it all, he is pure evil.
124
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Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell,
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but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
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There are plenty of people here on this particular planet...
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who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
128
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So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
129
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Lady, people aren't chocolates.
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D'you know what they are mostly?
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Bastards.
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Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
133
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But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bobble-headed optimists...
134
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who walk around vomiting sunshine.
135
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I'm touching your creamy center!
136
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Ohh, I am... so very angry...
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that I'm going to find someone to kill...
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just to prove her wrong.
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Why you acting like that whole Dan and Elliot thing doesn't bother you?
140
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Because it doesn't.
141
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Dude, you're missing a great opportunity here, man.
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If you act like it bothers you, Elliot'll feel guilty...
143
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and she'll finally forgive you for dumping her.
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I'm telling you, you gotta use this like I use my diabetes.
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Watch.
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Honey? My blood sugar's dipping.
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Don't move!
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Thanks, sweetness!
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Oh my God! This could be my diabetes!
150
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Exactly. But you gotta use it before that window closes.
151
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Lucky for me, my diabetes window stays open 24/7.
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Unless, God forbid, they find a cure.
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Amen, brother.
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Bye, folks.
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You'll notice I knocked a hundred dollars off the bill because of the...
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you know, baby-stealing thing.
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Turk was right.
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Lying to Elliot was the perfect way to get our friendship back to normal.
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Thanks for the loaner scooter, Johnny!
160
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I wanna talk to you for a second!
Can you turn that thing off?
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Sorry!
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Sorry!
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Sorry!
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Look, when I caught you two yesterday, I didn't know what to say.
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But now I do.
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You really hurt me.
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Okie-dokie.
168
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GUYS! THERE ARE SICK PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP!
169
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J.D., are you really this upset?
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Well how would you feel if I hooked up with one of your siblings?
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A little confused considering I have four brothers.
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But not surprised.
At you or Barry.
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Barry?
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I guess I just didn't think I was doing anything wrong.
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Well obviously you did, or you woulda told me about it from the beginning.
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That one had to sting.
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I really wanna look back and see if it landed,
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but I'll have to go back to sad face first.
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Oh, it landed!
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Dr. Clock, may I have a word?
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Uh-oh, it's payback time.
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I got you a present for your trip to Mexico.
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It's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary.
184
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I don't need it anymore... I've mastered the language.
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Gracias, Se�or.
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You're welcome-o!
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You were right... payback's a bitch.
188
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Well, just get back to me when you have an answer.
189
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Baby, check this out.
190
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Dr. Kelso just offered me Glenda's old job as administrative supervisor.
191
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Oh, that's great, sweetie.
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The job pays an extra seven thousand dollars a year!
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My baby's an administrative supervisor!
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Let's celebrate! Whatever you want!
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Ohh! Let's go shopping for a new duvet cover!
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Oh, I'd love to! But my diabetes is acting up.
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Bob. We have a problem.
198
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Not now, Perry, I'm swamped.
199
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I'm trying to find an exterminator to kill the bat in my attic.
200
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Be a man, Bob! That's what tennis racquets are for!
201
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Oh, good lord! He got Baxter!
202
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Try telling that to my one-eared dog.
203
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Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
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With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
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Thanks to your little gesture,
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she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down,
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are filled with kindness and caring!
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Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
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Exactly!
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Oh, sweet Moses.
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Everything has gone straight down the crapper...
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since Enid got off the antidepressants.
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I didn't know Enid suffered from depression.
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She doesn't. Those pills kill her sex drive.
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Dude, your idea totally worked!
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Incoming, man.
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MY OWN BROTHER! WHY!?
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Ohh, God, it hurts so bad!
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You can stop now, she's gone.
220
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No, I think I broke my hand.
221
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There's nothing more satisfying than having a good plan.
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- Goodnight, amigos.
- 'Night.
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Sometimes a plan can crystallize in a moment.
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What are we gonna do?
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Let's destroy her.
226
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And sometimes a plan can fall apart just as quickly.
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Ehhh? So when do you start your new job?
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I turned it down.
229
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What?
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I know it's a dream job, but with your diabetes I think you need me more.
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Of course, in my plan nobody gets hurt.
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Hey, little brother.
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What are you doing back in the tub!?
234
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Elliot dumped me.
235
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...Except my brother.
236
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She's gone! She's gone! Ohh, why?
237
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Ohh, why. Better llllearn how to f-face it.
238
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She's gone, she's gone! Ohhhhoh, why!
239
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Ohhh, why! What went wrooooong!
240
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Don't you think you're overreacting?
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No, J.D., I don't, because Elliot was the best thing...
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that ever happened to me and now she's gone.
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Ahhhh... she's gone!
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She's gone. She's... gone! She's gone... she's gone.
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- That's not even the right gibberish!
- You know what, J.D.?
246
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Elliot and I were supposed to have a big romantic evening together,
247
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and look at all this stuff I bought.
248
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Candles. Champagne. A Dido CD.
249
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I guess I'll just throw these things out with rest of the garbage.
250
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Oh, come on, don't go.
251
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,990
We can watch'Kangaroo Jack' and chug a Foster's every time they say "g'day"!
252
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:18,990
G'day, J.D.
253
00:12:19,025 --> 00:12:19,690
Dan!
254
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,040
I said g'day!
255
00:12:23,190 --> 00:12:24,810
Baby, you have to take this job.
256
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,440
Let it go. It's done!
257
00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:30,065
You okay?
258
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,720
No. Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten this stupid diabetes!
259
00:12:32,755 --> 00:12:34,720
Hey! Let's not get crazy!
260
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,360
Dear God, she has an actual skip in her step.
261
00:12:47,470 --> 00:12:49,400
Doesn't bother me as much as the whistling.
262
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,120
Watch what happens.
263
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,670
Why are you whistling, Ted?
Your life is pathetic.
264
00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:09,790
Right.
265
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,770
Perry, what's our plan of attack?
266
00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:15,425
When I crush a person's spirit,
267
00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:18,180
I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.
268
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,895
I prefer to create an environment...
269
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:22,010
in which the subjects end up crushing themselves!
270
00:13:22,950 --> 00:13:26,100
I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason.
271
00:13:26,780 --> 00:13:28,050
If I could find them I'd show ya.
272
00:13:33,690 --> 00:13:34,390
He's near.
273
00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:39,030
I'm not sure moon-beam is going to break so easily.
274
00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:42,600
I just wish we knew something personal that would really get to her.
275
00:13:45,390 --> 00:13:47,070
Turns out you can't go to your mom's wedding.
276
00:13:47,105 --> 00:13:48,750
There's too much shift-switching going on here...
277
00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:49,900
and I don't like shift-switching.
278
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:51,410
It's too hard to say!
279
00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:56,630
That wasn't very soft and creamy.
280
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,480
It's okay.
281
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,750
He has a hospital to run, I understand.
282
00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:16,110
Good God. She can't be stopped.
283
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:19,880
Let me get this straight:
284
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,860
You want me to offer your wife the same job she's already turned down.
285
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,480
Is that about the size of it, Turkleton?
286
00:14:24,770 --> 00:14:27,460
Actually, sir, my last name isn't Turkleton, it's just Turk.
287
00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:28,940
As in Chris Turk.
288
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:31,930
I prefer Turkleton.
289
00:14:32,170 --> 00:14:34,890
Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes.
290
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,765
And I'll do anything... I'll pick up extra shifts,
291
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,310
I'll volunteer... I'll volunteer at the clinic... whatever you want!
292
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,830
I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!
293
00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,140
You keep Enid in the attic?
294
00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:49,610
You make me laugh, Turkleton. 8 o'clock, sharp.
295
00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:51,030
And wear goggles.
296
00:14:52,710 --> 00:14:53,490
Yes!
297
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,360
I decided the only way Elliot would take Dan back is if she knew the truth...
298
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,990
that their being together didn't really bother me.
299
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,580
Elliot, we need to talk.
300
00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:08,130
Nice jammies!
301
00:15:09,020 --> 00:15:10,180
Thanks, they're new!
302
00:15:10,650 --> 00:15:11,850
This'll only take a second.
303
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,790
Look, you know how I told you I was upset about you and Dan?
304
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:16,690
Is that champagne?
305
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:19,920
Yeah. Yeah, I was celebrating my... new jammies.
306
00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:22,530
I love champagne. You mind if I have a little?
307
00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:23,980
Thank you. A nipper!
308
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:29,200
Tingly! It's a tingly drink!
309
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,410
Oooooh! Pretty candles!
310
00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:34,340
Anyhoo, I know you broke up with Dan because you thought I was upset,
311
00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:37,390
but in reality, I... uh... I...
312
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:44,930
"I want to thank you! For giving me the best day of my life... "
313
00:15:44,970 --> 00:15:46,370
I love this song, who is it?
314
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,210
Dido. And you've really got to meet my brother Barry.
315
00:15:49,730 --> 00:15:50,490
Dido?
316
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,370
Look at all this stuff I bought. Candles.
317
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,120
Champagne.
318
00:15:57,270 --> 00:15:58,300
A Dido CD.
319
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:02,990
Dan?
320
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,480
Hey, little brother!
321
00:16:09,110 --> 00:16:09,830
Tingles.
322
00:16:12,970 --> 00:16:14,050
Carla, we have to talk.
323
00:16:14,130 --> 00:16:16,710
Is it your blood sugar again?
I'll get you something!
324
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,080
Baby, I feel fine.
325
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:24,530
It's just that I kinda been using my diabetes to get you to, you know,
326
00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:26,850
hook me up with sandwiches and whatnot.
327
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,390
I can't believe you!
328
00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:32,970
Oh, man! I brought that from home!
329
00:16:33,310 --> 00:16:36,810
Look, baby, before you get freaked out, I fixed it already. Look!
330
00:16:37,340 --> 00:16:40,130
Nurse Turkleton! I wanted to offer you that job once more!
331
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,150
I don't want it!
332
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,880
Great! See you Saturday, bat-man.
333
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:44,980
Baby, what the hell!
334
00:16:46,170 --> 00:16:48,685
Maybe I decided right away that I didn't want that job...
335
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,860
because I'd miss working with patients but I didn't tell you...
336
00:16:50,895 --> 00:16:52,345
because you were excited about the money,
337
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:54,950
so I used your diabetes as an excuse. I don't know...
338
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,570
I don't really remember...
339
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,000
Tastes funny.
340
00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:11,050
You see, Bob, it didn't even faze her.
341
00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:11,985
Patience, Perry.
342
00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:14,020
With a tough one like her, you have to wait for it.
343
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:17,070
Here it comes.
344
00:17:18,150 --> 00:17:19,530
And we've broken her!
345
00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:22,590
There sits a dejected a woman, all alone,
346
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,590
wounded, vulnerable...
347
00:17:25,810 --> 00:17:26,520
Crying.
348
00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:28,180
She's ruining it for me.
349
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:31,070
Lady, stop cryin'!
350
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,240
Dr. Clock, you don't have to miss your wedding.
351
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,240
I was lying about shift-switching.
352
00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:41,740
I like doing it, I like saying it... shift-switching.
353
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,770
And I only lied because we were trying to destroy your morale.
354
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,050
Why would you do that?
355
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,610
Well, in our defense, you're overly cheery and we were bored.
356
00:17:48,890 --> 00:17:51,120
But you thought it would be nice to come clean and make me feel better?
357
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,260
- Pretty much.
- Pretty much, yeah.
358
00:17:52,830 --> 00:17:54,370
See, I told you there's good in everyone.
359
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,745
If you'll excuse me, boys, I've got a plane to catch.
360
00:17:57,780 --> 00:18:00,520
Don't even pretend like you knew what we were doing all along.
361
00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:05,620
Adios, boys.
362
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,850
Was she always wearing that big hat?
363
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:15,640
I can't believe you two never broke up.
364
00:18:15,675 --> 00:18:17,195
Dan was in my tub for four hours,
365
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,900
drinking beers and singing "She's Gone. "
366
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,180
How do you take a bath?
367
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:22,625
Okay, I'm gonna get dressed.
368
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:24,640
Hey, Elliot, do you mind if I borrow one of your socks?
369
00:18:24,675 --> 00:18:26,080
I seem to have lost my righty in the fray!
370
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:27,360
Oh! There you are, high-flyer!
371
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,860
J.D., Dan and I both know this is just a fling.
372
00:18:33,140 --> 00:18:35,420
Still, I feel like the worst person in the whole world.
373
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:37,700
Please, can you forgive me?
374
00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:40,930
Elliot, I came here to tell you I was never actually mad at you.
375
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,940
How could you not be mad that I was hooking up with your brother?
376
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,450
I don't know. I just... wasn't.
377
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,070
How could you hook up with my brother without considering my feelings?
378
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:52,880
I don't know I... I just didn't.
379
00:18:53,380 --> 00:18:55,550
That's when I realized that Elliot and I had absolutely...
380
00:18:55,585 --> 00:18:57,540
no romantic feeling for each other anymore.
381
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:01,290
No matter what the situation.
382
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,250
It was a little sad, but, who knows?
383
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,100
Maybe it meant we could be friends again.
384
00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:14,920
Hey! I can't find my Dido CD!
385
00:19:17,210 --> 00:19:20,240
If my heart could write songs, they'd sound like these.
386
00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:27,340
I think relationships are inherently fragile.
387
00:19:28,150 --> 00:19:30,380
They can be strengthened by a shared excuse.
388
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,980
Turk! We just got invited to Linda's Jack & Jill bridal shower.
389
00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:36,250
Do you mind if I use your diabetes to get out of it?
390
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:37,650
Of course not, baby!
391
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,760
And now...
392
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:43,260
it's bat-killing time!
393
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:50,240
Good lord!
394
00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,920
Others can be torn apart by the loss of a common enemy.
395
00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:01,530
I hate you, Bob.
396
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,430
Same times a thousand, big guy.
397
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:10,880
Well, goodnight, little bro.
398
00:20:11,090 --> 00:20:12,875
Oh, goodnight, Dan. Sleep tight.
399
00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:14,910
There's a bus schedule underneath your pillow.
400
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:16,800
And for Elliot and I...
401
00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:19,930
turns out all we needed was a little time.
402
00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:20,970
'Night, J.D.
403
00:20:24,780 --> 00:20:25,760
What was that for?
404
00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:30,880
The good news was this Elliot and Dan thing...
405
00:20:30,915 --> 00:20:32,800
meant that I was back on the market!
406
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,130
Can I buy you a drink?
407
00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:36,320
No thanks.
408
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,550
Yep! I'm back, baby!
409
00:20:42,460 --> 00:20:43,690
More nuts, please.
410
00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:48,290
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