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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:02,170 - SUPPORT FOR PAWNEE COMMUNITY RADIO 2 00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:03,471 COMES FROM THE WENDELL G. 3 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,107 AND MURIEL FATHWRIGHT KORBLEMAN FOUNDATION 4 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,408 AND SWEETUMS CARES, 5 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,443 A NONPROFIT GROUP THAT PUTS UMBRELLA HATS 6 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:13,347 ON HOMELESS PEOPLE WHEN IT RAINS. 7 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:16,550 - WELCOME TO THOUGHTS FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. 8 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,186 I'M DERRY MURBLES, 9 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,088 FILLING IN FOR DAVID PARKER, 10 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,190 WHO TOOK OFF FOR EIGHT MONTHS 11 00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,358 TO STUDY THE MIGRATION PATTERNS 12 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,227 OF OUR NATION'S SQUIRRELS. 13 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,429 WE HAVE NOT SEEN HIM SINCE. 14 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:31,399 MY GUEST TODAY IS AUTHOR LESLIE KNOPE. 15 00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,533 THE BOOK: 16 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:36,270 PAWNEE: THE GREATEST TOWN IN AMERICA. 17 00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:37,138 - I WROTE A BOOK. 18 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,507 THE FIRST HISTORICAL GUIDE TO PAWNEE. 19 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,375 I WROTE IT AS A REFERENCE FOR MYSELF, 20 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,077 BUT THEN, MY CAMPAIGN ADVISOR SAID 21 00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,079 WE SHOULD MAKE IT A BIG, WIDE RELEASE. 22 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,247 SO WE HAD PEOPLE CONTRIBUTE, 23 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,281 WE ADDED PICTURES, 24 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,083 AND WE REMOVED A LOT OF MY POEMS 25 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,484 AND EMOTIONAL RAMBLINGS AND PICTURES OF UNICORNS, 26 00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,320 AND HERE IT IS! 27 00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:55,156 - LESLIE, COULD ONE SAY THAT 28 00:00:55,189 --> 00:01:00,361 A BOOK IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PAINTING OF WORDS, 29 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,097 WHICH ARE THE NOTES ON THE TAPESTRY 30 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:06,367 OF THE GREATEST FILM EVER SCULPTED? 31 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:11,105 - ONE COULD SAY THAT. 32 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:12,273 BUT SHOULD ONE? 33 00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,208 - JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN DAVID BIANCULLI 34 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:17,311 WILL BE FILLING IN FOR RICHARD CHANG-JEFFERSON, 35 00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:19,213 WHO WILL BE FILLING IN FOR ME. 36 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:22,116 LESLIE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE US OUT? 37 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,517 - OKAY. 38 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,219 "PLEASE ENJOY A SONG 39 00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:28,522 "FROM THE LESBIAN AFRO-NORWEGIAN FUNK DUO, 40 00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,891 NEFERTITI'S FJORD." 41 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,894 [eccentric pop music] 42 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,496 * 43 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,898 OH, WOW. THEY ARE TERRIBLE. 44 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,401 - OH, YES. TH-THEY'RE QUITE AWFUL. 45 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,205 BUT THEY ARE LESBIANS, SO-- 46 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,208 [triumphant music] 47 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:55,249 * 48 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,494 - USUALLY, I ONLY READ NAUTICAL NOVELS 49 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,197 AND MY OWN PERSONAL MANIFESTOS, 50 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,198 BUT I'M PROUD TO MAKE THIS EXCEPTION. 51 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,232 - THANK YOU, RON. 52 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,467 I EXPECT ALL OF YOU TO BUY ADDITIONAL COPIES. 53 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,869 BUT I WANTED THE FIRST ONE THAT YOU OWNED 54 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,272 TO BE DELIVERED AND SIGNED BY ME. 55 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,874 - GOD, THIS GOES ON FOR, LIKE, SEVEN PAGES! 56 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,343 - I STARTED THINKING ABOUT YOU AS A WOMAN, 57 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,278 AND AS A PERSON, AND I GOT CARRIED AWAY. 58 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:27,315 - OKAY, MINE JUST SAYS, "GET WELL SOON." 59 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,482 - AREN'T YOU SICK? 60 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:30,384 - NO. 61 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,186 - SOMETHING'S OFF. 62 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,355 - LESLIE, I LOVED YOUR BOOK. 63 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,456 I READ IT COVER TO COVER. - WOW. 64 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,258 I JUST GAVE IT TO YOU AN HOUR AGO. 65 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,359 - I'M A SPEED READER. 66 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,294 I CAN READ OVER 3,000 WORDS A MINUTE 67 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,862 WITH TOTAL COMPREHENSION. 68 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,265 ONE TIME, I READ ALL OF SIDDHARTH AT A TRAFFIC STOP. 69 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:45,966 - [scatting] 70 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,836 PAWNEE'S MOST NOTORIOUS BUSINESSMAN IN THE BUILDING. 71 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,404 I BROUGHT SOME ENTERTAINMENT 720 PILLOWCASES 72 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,272 FOR YOUR PILLOW. 73 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,942 - "NEVER STOP DREAMING." TOM HAVERFORD. 74 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,311 - "I NEVER DO." CHRIS TRAEGER. 75 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,447 - RESPECT. GAME RECOGNIZE GAME. 76 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,849 - TOM, I HAVE PAWNEE TODAY IN AN HOUR. 77 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,951 WAS MY BOOK SELECTED FOR JOAN'S BOOK CLUB? 78 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:06,254 - JOAN CALLAMEZZO HAS A BOOK CLUB? 79 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,955 - JOAN CALLAMEZZO STARTED 80 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,324 A BOOK CLUB FOUR YEARS AGO. 81 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,360 AND NOW SHE IS THE LITERARY TASTEMAKER IN THE TOWN. 82 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,362 THE TIME-TRAVELER'S OPTOMETRIST, 83 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,497 BY PAWNEE'S OWN PENELOPE FOSTER. 84 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,467 A HEARTWARMING STORY ABOUT A CAVEMAN EYE DOCTOR 85 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,469 WHO TRAVELS TO PRESENT-DAY CINCINNATI 86 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,904 AND CAN SEE EVERYTHING BUT LOVE. 87 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,339 UNREADABLE. 88 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,408 THEN JOAN SLAPS HER STICKER ON IT, 89 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:30,278 BEST SELLER, FOUR YEARS IN A ROW. 90 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,879 YOU TOLD ME YOU COULD GET ME THAT STICKER. 91 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,347 DID YOU GET IT? - I'M TRYING, LESLIE. 92 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,515 BUT JOAN GOT AN ANONYMOUS TIP 93 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,384 THAT THERE'S A FACTUAL INACCURACY 94 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,418 IN YOUR BOOK. 95 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,387 - [chuckles] THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 96 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,489 I CHECKED EVERY DETAIL WITH THE HISTORICAL SOCIETY. 97 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,523 - DID SHE SAY WHAT IT WAS? 98 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,024 - SHE WON'T TELL ME. 99 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,993 I THINK SHE WANTS ONE OF HER BIG "GOTCHA" MOMENTS. 100 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:49,530 - WELL, SHE'S NOT GONNA GETCH ME. 101 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,365 - I FOUND NO INACCURACIES. 102 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,367 - JOAN CALLAMEZZO CLAIMS THERE IS A MISTAKE IN MY BOOK, 103 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:54,902 WHICH THERE IS NOT, 104 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:55,903 AND SO NOW, SHE'S TRYIN' TO GET ME 105 00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,037 ON A TINY TECHNICALITY. 106 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,339 SO JUST IN CASE THERE IS A MISTAKE, 107 00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,373 WHICH THERE IS NOT, 108 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,908 I NEED ALL OF YOU FACT-CHECKING 109 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,343 EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. 110 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,044 JERRY, I NEED YOU TO HIT THE ROAD 111 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,946 AND RE-INTERVIEW EVERYONE WHO LIVES OUT OF TOWN. 112 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,014 - ON IT, BOSS. 113 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,316 - THE REST OF YOU, CALL ME 114 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,417 AS SOON AS YOU FIND THE MISTAKE 115 00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:12,920 THAT DOES NOT EXIST. 116 00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,021 - DO YOU THINK THERE'S ACTUALLY A MISTAKE IN HERE? 117 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,323 - I DOUBT IT. 118 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,924 IF THERE'S ONE THING LESLIE'S NOT, 119 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:17,925 IT'S SLOPPY. 120 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,394 SHE'S ALSO NOT BRIEF. 121 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,430 THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER. 122 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,497 IT'S JUST US, I HOPE. 123 00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:24,565 - I WISH. 124 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,066 - HEY, GUYS! 125 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,468 READY TO DO SOME FACT-CHECKIN'? 126 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,469 - [sighs] 127 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,939 - HERE WE GO. HELPING LESLIE. 128 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,275 OKEY-DOKE. 129 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,513 - HI. JOAN CALLAMEZZO. 130 00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:40,514 - OH, YEAH. HI. BEN WYATT. 131 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:41,515 W-WE'VE MET. 132 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,916 - I DON'T THINK SO. 133 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,419 - YEAH, I WAS ON YOUR SHOW. 134 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,921 - NOPE. [chuckles] 135 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,958 - * I'M TRYIN' TO FIND THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THIS GIRL * 136 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,926 * WITHOUT BEIN' DISRESPECTFUL - [laughs] 137 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:53,961 - GETTING THE BOOK 138 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,364 INTO JOAN'S BOOK CLUB WILL REALLY HELP LESLIE. 139 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,566 BUT IT'LL ALSO HELP MY COMPANY, ENTERTAINMENT 720. 140 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,100 AT THE RISK OF BRAGGING, 141 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,502 ONE OF THE THINGS I'M BEST AT 142 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,036 IS RIDING COATTAILS. 143 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,538 BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN... 144 00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:07,040 IS ME, SMILING AND TAKING PARTIAL CREDIT. 145 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,476 NOW, ABOUT LESLIE'S BOOK. 146 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,110 AM I GONNA BE HAPPY? 147 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,913 - WE'LL SEE, WON'T WE? OOH! 148 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:13,914 - [chuckles] 149 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:16,384 - [giggles] 150 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,919 - WOW, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY CUTE TOGETHER. 151 00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:21,522 - BEN, I'M CUTE TOGETHER WITH EVERYBODY. 152 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,392 - ANYONE FIND ANY MISTAKES? 153 00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,292 - YEAH, ACTUALLY. 154 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,562 IN HERE, IT SAYS THAT PAWNEE IS GREAT. 155 00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,531 BUT IN REALITY, IT'S TERRIBLE. 156 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,401 - LET TOM KNOW WE HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING. 157 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,035 - HEY, I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING A NEW PHONE. 158 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:35,936 DO YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR PHONES? 159 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:40,140 - I'VE NEVER USED A PHONE IN MY LIFE. 160 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,942 - WHAT ABOUT YOU, RON? DO YOU LIKE YOUR PHONE? 161 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,944 - [grunts] 162 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,946 - HERE'S MY GOAL. 163 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:46,947 I'M GONNA GET THESE TWO PEOPLE 164 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,582 THAT I'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME 165 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,485 TO TALK TO ME FOR FIVE MINUTES. 166 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,486 WHO AM I KIDDING? 167 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,954 ONE MINUTE. 168 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,023 ONE MINUTE WOULD BE AMAZING. 169 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:56,990 - SO, LESLIE. 170 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,092 YOU'RE A REAL NATIVE OF PAWNEE, AREN'T YOU? 171 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,995 - YES, I WAS BORN AND RAISED HERE, JOAN. 172 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,397 AND I LOVE THE TOWN SO MUCH, 173 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:04,598 I LITERALLY WROTE THE BOOK ON IT. 174 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,567 - I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE. 175 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,136 AND ALSO, IN THIS HAND, RIGHT HERE, 176 00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,604 I HAVE A STICKER. 177 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,406 WHICH, WHEN APPLIED, LEGALLY DETERMINES 178 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,575 THE NEWEST SELECTION OF JOAN'S BOOK CLUB. 179 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:18,512 - [chuckles] - UH...OH...WHOA! 180 00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,047 WHERE-- OVER HERE? 181 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,449 BACK HERE? [chuckles] 182 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,616 WHERE IS IT NOW? - COME ON, STICK IT. 183 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,953 - OOH. OH, HANG ON-- 184 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:26,987 - STICK THE STICKER. STICK THE ST-- 185 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,922 - NO, NO, NO. NOT SO FAST. 186 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,124 WE RECEIVED A TIP THAT YOU, 187 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,193 LESLIE "BORN AND RAISED" KNOPE, 188 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,063 WERE NOT BORN IN PAWNEE. 189 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,131 - WHAT? 190 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,199 - GOTCHA! 191 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,068 AND BECAUSE YOU LIED ABOUT IT, 192 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,203 WE CANNOT MAKE THIS A BOOK CLUB SELECTION. 193 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,972 - I WAS BORN IN PAWNEE. 194 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,039 I'D STAKE MY REPUTATION ON IT. 195 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:46,840 I HAVE TO TELL YOU, 196 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,109 THIS FEELS LIKE GOTCHA JOURNALISM. 197 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,043 - IN WHAT WAY? 198 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,580 - THAT WAY. YOU PUT "GOTCHA" ON MY FACE. 199 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,014 - AFTER THE BREAK: 200 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,215 WHERE WAS LESLIE KNOPE ACTUALLY BORN? 201 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,016 - PAWNEE! 202 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,185 - WE WILL PULL OUT THE WORLD MAP 203 00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,588 AND SPECULATE WILDLY. 204 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,189 - * JOAN GOTCHA 205 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,224 - OH, GOD. NOT THE GOTCHA DANCERS. 206 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,126 - * BETCHA THOUGHT YOU'D 207 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,995 * GET AWAY WITCHA 208 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,931 * BUTCHA GOT CAUGHT, DIDN'T YA? * 209 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,065 * JOAN GOTCHA 210 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,035 - THAT WAS DESPICABLE. 211 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,537 I AM HORRIFIED AT HER TACTICS. 212 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,038 THAT SAID, THE SHOW WAS PRETTY LIVELY. 213 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,039 [chuckles] 214 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,574 * JOAN GOTCHA! 215 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,075 Chris and Tom: * DON'T IT HURTCHA? 216 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,076 - IT'S VERY CATCHY. 217 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,077 - OKAY, BEN, TOM, 218 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,078 YOU STAY HERE, STAY ON JOAN. 219 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,046 GET THAT STICKER. 220 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,048 CHRIS, ANDY, WE'RE GONNA STAY ON SCHEDULE, 221 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,149 AND WE'RE GONNA DO SOME DAMAGE CONTROL. 222 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,250 - ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY MOVE! 223 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,318 MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! 224 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,487 THIS ENTIRE EVENT IS UNDER FEDERAL JURISDICTION. 225 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:34,588 UNLESS HE'S IN TROUBLE, 226 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,023 THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN FOR THE JOB. 227 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,527 BERT MACKLIN, FBI. 228 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,562 YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD? [chuckles] 229 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:45,265 SO DID THE PRESIDENT'S ENEMIES. 230 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,267 - CALL IF YOU NEED US. 231 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,236 OKAY. 232 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,271 ALL RIGHT, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO FACT-CHECK ANYMORE. 233 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,942 BUT LESLIE WANTS US TO BE ON READY-ALERT ONE 234 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,209 JUST IN CASE SOMETHING COMES UP. 235 00:07:56,243 --> 00:08:00,981 - NOW I CAN GET SOME REAL WORK DONE. 236 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,017 - YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE 237 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,018 WITH YOU GUYS, IF THAT'S COOL. 238 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,520 - IT'S NOT. 239 00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:08,088 - GREAT. 240 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,990 I COULD LEAVE. I COULD. 241 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,525 BUT I'M NOT GOING TO. 242 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,527 I WILL GET MY ONE MINUTE 243 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,563 OF SMALL TALK, DAMN IT. 244 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,130 AND IT WILL BE CASUAL, 245 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,299 AND IT WILL BE AMICABLE! 246 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,168 - DID LESLIE LEAVE? 247 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,537 WE WANTED HER TO SIGN THE GOTCHA WALL. 248 00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:25,238 [laughs] - JOANIE. 249 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,173 COME ON, NOW. WHAT WAS THAT? 250 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,075 I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GET THAT STICKER. 251 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,176 - SORRY, TOM. 252 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,911 BUT I AM, FIRST AND FOREMOST, 253 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,245 A JOURNALIST. 254 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,947 - LET US TAKE YOU TO LUNCH. 255 00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,916 OKAY? WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE BOOK. 256 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,918 AND... WHATEVER ELSE MAY COME UP. 257 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,921 - LET ME GO CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE TANTALIZING. 258 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,923 ALL RIGHT? [giggles] 259 00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,926 - SO, WHAT? WE'RE TAKING HER TO LUNCH NOW? 260 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,195 - BEN, LESLIE HIRED MY COMPANY TO GET HER THAT STICKER. 261 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,162 YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME 262 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,965 "BUSINESSES" NEED "CLIENTS" TO GET "MONEY." 263 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,034 - I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO TELL YOU THAT? 264 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,335 - DON'T WORRY. THIS IS IN THE BAG. 265 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,137 JOAN'S A MARRIED WOMAN. 266 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,206 SHE WANTS WHAT SHE CAN'T HAVE. 267 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,242 IT'S A GAME OF CAT AND MOUSE. 268 00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,921 - THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. 269 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,924 OUR JOURNEY BEGINS ON PAGE ONE, THE PREFACE. 270 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,091 - [clears throat] 271 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,359 - OH, BOY. YES? 272 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,962 - I THINK I SPEAK ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE 273 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,931 IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHEN I SAY... 274 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:26,600 WE NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE BORN. 275 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,936 - OKAY. WELL-- - LESLIE? 276 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,138 LET ME HANDLE THIS. 277 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,139 DOES IT REALLY MATTER? 278 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,607 I MEAN, HOW MANY OF YOU 279 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:37,244 WERE ACTUALLY BORN IN PAWNEE? 280 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,046 SURE ENOUGH. 281 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,280 - NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEARD, MA'AM, 282 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,149 THE TRUTH IS, I WAS BORN HERE. 283 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,984 - IF YOU WERE SO BORN HERE, 284 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,053 THEN WHERE'S YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE? 285 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,088 - WELL, I DON'T CARRY MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE AROUND 286 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,223 WITH ME-- - WHY? 287 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,092 BECAUSE YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING? 288 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,360 YOU SHOULD GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM. 289 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,328 - I AM BACK FROM WHERE I CAME FROM! 290 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,330 - THAT SENTENCE WAS CONFUSING! 291 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,066 YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE FROM CHINA! - TELL US! 292 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,333 - THAT'S RIDICULOUS! - IS IT? 293 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,935 - I'M FROM HERE! 294 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,136 - THIS CROWD GETTING VERY HOSTILE, MS. KNOPE. 295 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,137 I'M GONNA GET YOU OUTTA HERE. 296 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,238 - OH, MY GOD. - BACK OFF! 297 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,273 - OKAY, OKAY. [indistinct yelling] 298 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,108 THANK YOU. - GO, GO, GO! 299 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,210 - WHEN I WAS 18, 300 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:13,146 VAL KILMER SAW ME AT A MALL 301 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,115 AND TOLD ME I SHOULD MODEL. 302 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,116 - [gasps] - [chuckles] 303 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,351 - THAT NEVER HAPPENED. 304 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,353 - SO, JOAN, HOW IS MARRIED LIFE TREATING YOU? 305 00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,355 YOUR HUSBAND STILL KNOW HE'S THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD? 306 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,324 - SANTINO AND I ARE DIVORCING. 307 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,358 - OH. 308 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,227 - IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE LIBERATING. 309 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:30,964 I'M A WOMAN WITH A STRONG SEXUAL APPETITE. 310 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:33,233 I'M LIKE A CAGED PEACOCK, 311 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:36,103 YEARNING FOR THE WIND ON HER HAUNCHES. 312 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,371 - THAT'S A POWERFUL METAPHOR. 313 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:41,241 - MAYBE WE CAN GET THAT BOOK CLUB STICKER IN ORDER, 314 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,977 AND WE CAN WORK ON UNLOCKIN' THAT PEACOCK CAGE. 315 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:44,845 - THINGS HAVE CHANGED, TOM. 316 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:48,281 DON'T MAKE ANY PROMISES YOU CAN'T KEEP. 317 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,983 I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, 318 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:54,254 AND SO WILL THIS ADORABLE HUNK OF CARAMEL TO MY RIGHT. 319 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,322 DRINK UP, TOM. 320 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,190 I'M GONNA GO POWDER MY NOSE... 321 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,426 AMONGST OTHER THINGS. [chuckles] 322 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:05,265 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. [giggles] 323 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,099 CRAP. 324 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:09,136 - IS SHE GONNA POWDER HER VAGINA? 325 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,403 - YOU GOTTA HELP ME, MAN. - WHY? 326 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,040 SEEMS TO BE GOING THE USUAL AMOUNT OF GROSS. 327 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,141 - NO, THIS IS WAY DIFFERENT. 328 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,008 SHE'S NOT MARRIED ANYMORE. 329 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,143 SHE HAD, LIKE, FIVE BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL, 330 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,277 SHE'S CALLIN' ME "CARAMEL." 331 00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,212 YOU'VE GOTTA THROW SOME COLD WATER ON THIS SITUATION. 332 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,413 START TALKIN' ABOUT NERD STUFF. 333 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,315 - YOU KNOW, NERD CULTURE IS MAINSTREAM NOW. 334 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,450 SO WHEN YOU USE THE WORD 335 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,252 "NERD" DEROGATORILY, 336 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,054 MEANS YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S OUT OF THE ZEITGEIST. 337 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,421 - YES, THAT'S PERFECT. JUST LIKE THAT. 338 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,090 BE INCREDIBLY BORING. 339 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,993 - WELL, I'VE MADE A LITTLE PROGRESS. 340 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,195 I'M UP TO FOUR SECONDS WITH APRIL. 341 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,029 HEY, APRIL. 342 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,098 I WAS LOOKING TO GET SOME NEW MUSIC, 343 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,167 AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD RECOMMEND ANYTHING. 344 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,301 - THE INTERNET. 345 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,369 - I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT. 346 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,371 W-W-WHERE'D YOU GET IT? - PRISON. 347 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,372 - HOW'S YOUR SISTER DOIN'? 348 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,107 - SHE HAS THE SHINGLES. 349 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,109 - WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER ON SEX AND THE CITY? 350 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,344 - ALF. 351 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,280 - AND... NINE SECONDS WITH RON. 352 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,182 YOU'RE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND. 353 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,184 WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU BRING WITH YOU? 354 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,388 - SILENCE. 355 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,291 [flute notes] 356 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:06,426 - WE DID A FLASH POLL. 357 00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:09,129 68% OF PAWNEEANS NOW BELIEVE YOU'RE LYING 358 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,163 ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE BORN. 359 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:12,032 HONESTY IS IMPORTANT TO VOTERS. 360 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,134 - 13% THINK I'M CRAZY-EYED? 361 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,103 WHAT? WHY? 362 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,404 WHATEVER, I CAN END THIS NOW. 363 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,006 HERE'S MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. 364 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,340 - MM-HMM. 365 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,109 WELL, THIS JUST SAYS "WAMAPOKE COUNTY." 366 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:23,410 - YEAH. THAT'S THE COUNTY PAWNEE IS IN. 367 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,212 - WELL, NO. THIS WON'T DO IT. 368 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,114 - SEE, YOU STAKED YOUR REPUTATION ON THIS. 369 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,048 SO YOU NEED TO GO DOWN 370 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,016 TO THE COUNTY RECORDS OFFICE IN EAGLETON 371 00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,351 AND GET THE ORIGINAL, LONG-FORM CERTIFICATE. 372 00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,121 - OH, GOD. DON'T MAKE ME GO TO EAGLETON. 373 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,123 EAGLETON IS THE LAND OF RICH, SNOBBY JERKS. 374 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,291 THERE'S A WHOLE CHAPTER ABOUT IT IN MY BOOK. 375 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,027 I COULD WRITE A SECOND BOOK ABOUT EAGLETON 376 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,328 AND HOW STUPID IT IS. 377 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:44,331 AND I'D CALL IT EAGLETON: THE LAND OF RICH, SNOBBY JERKS. 378 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:48,135 - HELLO...AND WELCOME TO THE WAMAPOKE COUNTY RECORDS OFFICE, 379 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,203 HERE IN BEAUTIFUL EAGLETON. 380 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,039 MY NAME IS ALEXIS PRATCHETT. 381 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,440 - TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, ALEXIS. 382 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:56,143 I NEED A COPY OF MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. 383 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,410 - OOH, I'M SORRY. 384 00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,113 IT TAKES THREE TO EIGHT WEEKS TO RECEIVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE. 385 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,481 - REALLY? 386 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,220 - HI, I'M CHRIS. 387 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:10,023 I WAS WONDERING IF YOU MIGHT MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR ME? 388 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:13,260 - OH, I'M SORRY. NO. 389 00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,030 - WOW. THAT USUALLY WORKS. 390 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,431 - OH, GOD. I HATE THIS STUPID TOWN 391 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,400 WITH ALL ITS STUPID, TERRIBLE PEOPLE. 392 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:21,434 I NEED THAT BIRTH CERTIFICATE. 393 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,337 - LESLIE, WAIT HERE. 394 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:26,306 BERT MACKLIN IS ON THE CASE. 395 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,175 - ANDY-- - NO. 396 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:32,112 DON'T WORRY. I CAN DO THIS. 397 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,147 BELIEVE IN ME! 398 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,416 [yells] 399 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,186 THAT'S BROKEN. 400 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,156 HOLD ON. 401 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,291 LESLIE. REAL QUICK. 402 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,126 UH, SPELL YOUR LAST NAME FOR ME. 403 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:50,130 - * LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS WHOO! 404 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,366 - WOW. THAT WAS AS LONG AS IT WAS LOUD. 405 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,367 - [sighs] 406 00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,403 TAKE ME HOME, DUMPLING. 407 00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,005 IT'S BEDDY TIME. 408 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,339 - AH. HEY, BEN. 409 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,140 YOU LIKE STAR TREK. 410 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,408 TALK ABOUT THAT FOR A LITTLE BIT. 411 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:05,112 - THEY'RE MAKING A SEQUEL... 412 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:08,148 I'M ASSUMING WITH THE SAME ALTERNATE TIMELINE. 413 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,416 BUT IF J.J. ABRAMS AND COMPANY 414 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,184 EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S SPOCK 415 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:14,221 WITH THE ROMANTIC TENSION WITH UHURA AND NOT KIRK... 416 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:18,025 WELL, LET'S JUST SAY, THE MESSAGE BOARDS ARE GOIN' NUTS. 417 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:22,029 - I WANNA TAKE YOU BOTH HOME AND [bleep] BEND YOU OVER 418 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,365 AND JUST [bleep] 419 00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:28,435 AT THE SAME TIME. WHOO! 420 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,037 - I'M LEAVING. 421 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,138 - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 422 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,072 WE GOTTA GET HER HOME. 423 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,207 - TOM, I KNOW YOUR BUSINESS IS FAILING, 424 00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,442 BUT THIS JUST ISN'T WORTH IT. 425 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,210 - IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BUSINESS ANYMORE, MAN. 426 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,111 SH-SHE'S A DISASTER. 427 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,280 WE GOTTA MAKE SURE SHE GETS HOME SAFE. 428 00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,215 [grunting] 429 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:43,416 WHOA, WHOA. 430 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,252 WHOA. 431 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,419 - WHAT THE HELL? 432 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,221 OKAY, LET'S GET HER ON THE BED. 433 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,157 - OKAY. ONE. - OH, MY GOD. 434 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,125 [together] TWO. 435 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:55,028 [together] THREE. 436 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,296 [grunts] 437 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,065 - LET'S GO, BRO. 438 00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:58,999 SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT JOAN, 439 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,267 BUT SHE KNOWS HOW TO DECORATE A BEDROOM. 440 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,369 - OH, MY GOD. - WOW. 441 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,137 - WHERE THE HELL AM I? 442 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,139 - I JUST WANNA SEE HOW SOFT THESE SHEETS ARE. ONE SECOND. 443 00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,008 - [whispering] TOM, NO. COME ON. LET'S GO. 444 00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,109 [Joan yells] - AH! 445 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,111 - JOAN, WE LEFT YOU SOME WATER AND ASPIRIN BY THE BED! 446 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,346 BYE! 447 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,015 - GOT IT! 448 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,383 GOT IT! 449 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,285 - NICE! 450 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,386 - I ALSO GOT THIS DUDE'S BRIEFCASE. 451 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,420 IT WAS JUST LAYIN' THERE. 452 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,023 KIND OF A PANIC MOVE. 453 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,191 - I BELIEVED IN YOU, BUDDY. 454 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,225 BUT YOU SHOULD PUT THAT BACK. 455 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,393 - OKAY. 456 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,995 - OKAY, SO. LESLIE BARBARA KNOPE, 457 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,296 BORN JANUARY 18th, 458 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,397 TO ROBERT AND MARLENE KNOPE, 459 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:35,335 IN EAGLETON, INDIANA. 460 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,237 I'M FROM EAGLETON! 461 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,010 - IS IT TRUE, MOM? WAS I BORN...IN EAGLETON? 462 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,311 - YES, IT'S TRUE. 463 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,146 - NO! 464 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:49,282 - PAWNEE HOSPITAL WAS OVERRUN WITH RACCOONS AT THE TIME. 465 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,218 SO WE HAD TO GO TO THE NEXT CLOSEST HOSPITAL. 466 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,385 - [groans] 467 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:53,286 - I'M SORRY. 468 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,023 DID YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE BIRTH TO YOU 469 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,258 IN AN INFESTED, DISEASE-FILLED ROOM? 470 00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,393 - MOM, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? 471 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,295 - YOU TRY TELLING THAT LITTLE GIRL 472 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,296 SHE'S NOT FROM PAWNEE. 473 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,232 I CERTAINLY COULDN'T. 474 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,300 SO YOU WERE TECHNICALLY BORN IN EAGLETON. 475 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,036 WHO CARES? 476 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,237 - I CARE. 477 00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,339 THE PEOPLE OF PAWNEE CARE. 478 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,107 I WROTE ON THE COVER OF MY BOOK 479 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,375 THAT I WAS BORN IN PAWNEE. 480 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,277 I WENT ON PAWNEE TODAY, 481 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,447 AND I CALLED JOAN A LIAR! 482 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,448 I'M THE LIAR. 483 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,283 I'M WORSE THAN A LIAR. 484 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,453 I'M AN... 485 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:30,023 [choking] EAGLETONIAN. 486 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,391 - MORNING. 487 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,426 IS LESLIE HERE? 488 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:36,129 AW, MAN. I AM SO TIRED. 489 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:39,166 I TOOK A HALF-SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL LAST NIGHT. 490 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:42,335 AND I HAD THIS REALLY WEIRD PATIENT. 491 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,438 - WEIRD HOW? 492 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,274 - I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT. 493 00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:50,077 IT'S ONE OF THE GROSSEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN. 494 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,078 - TALK. 495 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,445 - WELL, THIS GUY CAME IN. 496 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,314 HE GOT HIS HAND STUCK IN A PRINGLES CAN, 497 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,416 AND HE TRIED TO CUT HIMSELF OUT. 498 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,485 - WAS THERE A LOT OF BLOOD? - WHAT KIND OF BLADE DID HE USE? 499 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,221 - UH, THREE-AND-A-HALF-INCH? 500 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,223 SERRATED? BUCKETS OF BLOOD. 501 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,292 HE PASSED OUT OVER HIS ARM, 502 00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,393 AND SLUMPED ONTO THE FLOOR. 503 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,427 - DID THE BONE SHOW? 504 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,828 - VERY GOOD QUESTION, APRIL. 505 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,829 ANSWER HER. 506 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,064 - YEAH. 507 00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,133 THE BONE SHOWED. 508 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,235 EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE LOVES A GROSS MEDICAL STORY. 509 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,336 BOOM! 510 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,337 I WIN! 511 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,239 AND SO WHEN I FINALLY CLEANED UP THE VOMIT, 512 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,141 I FOUND THE TOE. 513 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,142 - I FORGOT ABOUT THE TOE! 514 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,843 - SO DID WE! CRAZY, RIGHT? 515 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,312 - [chuckles] - THAT STORY'S AWESOME! 516 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:28,515 - INDEED. THANK YOU FOR SHARING, JENNY. 517 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,353 ANN WAS GETTING A LITTLE CHUMMY. 518 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,123 WHEN PEOPLE GET TOO CHUMMY WITH ME, 519 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,325 I LIKE TO CALL THEM BY THE WRONG NAME TO LET THEM KNOW 520 00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,327 I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THEM. 521 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,162 - THAT'S A GENIUS MOVE. 522 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,330 - THANK YOU. 523 00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,366 - YOU'RE WELCOME, LESTER. 524 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,236 - OH, MY GOD. 525 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:51,404 I WONDER WHO ELSE WAS BORN IN EAGLETON. 526 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,873 VOLDEMORT, PROBABLY. 527 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,375 - BAD NEWS, TEAM. 528 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,377 ENTERTAINMENT 720 WAS UNABLE TO GET THE STICKER 529 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,311 FOR LESLIE'S BOOK. 530 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,347 - THE STICKER IS THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS. 531 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,882 IF I COME CLEAN ABOUT WHERE I'M FROM, 532 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,218 THEN MY POLITICAL CAREER IS OVER. 533 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,886 - YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM A DAMN THING. 534 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,888 THE ONLY THING THE VOTERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU 535 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,223 IS YOUR NAME. 536 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,259 AND EVEN THAT, I GO BACK AND FORTH ON. 537 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,894 - I'M SORRY, BUT I DISAGREE. 538 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,197 LESLIE, WHERE YOU WERE BORN IS A PIECE OF TRIVIA. 539 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,398 WHERE YOU'RE FROM... 540 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,899 THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU WHO YOU ARE. 541 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,902 AND YOU ARE FROM PAWNEE. 542 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,571 YOU'RE MORE PAWNEE THAN ANYONE I KNOW. 543 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,406 SO I SAY, TELL THEM THE TRUTH, 544 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:30,477 AND TRUST THAT THEY'RE GONNA RESPECT YOU FOR IT. 545 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:33,180 - DAMN IT, HE'S RIGHT. WELL SAID. 546 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,214 - THANKS, RON. 547 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:37,250 - YOU'RE WELCOME, STEVE. 548 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,353 - JOAN. 549 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,489 THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVIN' LESLIE BACK ON THE PROGRAM. 550 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:46,259 - WELL, THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME HOME LAST NIGHT. 551 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:49,429 I WASN'T, UH, FEELING VERY WELL. 552 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,531 BECAUSE OF SOME BAD SEAFOOD THAT I ATE. 553 00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:56,269 - YES, THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT IT WAS. 554 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:59,506 - I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THOSE THAT I'VE MISLED. 555 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,508 I THOUGHT I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH, 556 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,344 BUT, SADLY, I WAS BORN IN EAGLETON. 557 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,479 - WHA--? [laughs] 558 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,949 WELL, THAT IS WORSE THAN I EVER COULD HAVE HOPED FOR. 559 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,184 - I LEARNED SOMETHING, JOAN. 560 00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:12,519 IT'S NOT WHERE YOU'RE BORN. 561 00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,454 IT'S WHERE YOU'RE FROM. 562 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,456 WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD, 563 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,524 I BROKE MY ARM. 564 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,459 SLEDDING ON THAT GIANT HILL 565 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,494 BEHIND KERNSTON'S RUBBER NIPPLE FACTORY. 566 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,463 YOU KNOW, NIPPLE HILL. - OF COURSE. 567 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,931 - IT GETS VERY SLIPPERY THERE. 568 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,933 ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S WET. - YES. 569 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,968 - AND, JIM. JIM KABERNICK. I KNOW JIM. 570 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,370 JIM AND I HAVE GONE TO SCHOOL TOGETHER 571 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,371 SINCE WE WERE, LIKE, THREE YEARS OLD. 572 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:32,939 - YES, THAT'S TRUE. 573 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,474 - DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU PEED YOUR PANTS IN SECOND GRADE? 574 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,444 - WHY--WHY DID YOU BRING THAT UP? I SAID YES. 575 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:38,845 - YOU STUCK YOUR UNDERWEAR IN YOUR DRAWER, 576 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,912 AND YOU GOT REALLY EMBARRASSED, 577 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:40,913 AND THEN THE TEACHER CAME OVER AND PULLED THEM OUT. 578 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:43,383 AND EVERYBODY CALLED YOU "THE GERBIL" BECAUSE 579 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,952 YOU ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE SOILED WOOD CHIPS? 580 00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,454 - LESLIE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, WE'RE ON TV. 581 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:48,988 - THE POINT IS 582 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,390 YOU CAN'T CHOOSE WHERE YOU WERE BORN. 583 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,959 BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE WHERE YOU LIVE. 584 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:53,993 I LOVE THIS TOWN. 585 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,363 I ALWAYS HAVE. I ALWAYS WILL. 586 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,266 AND THAT'S WHY I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT. 587 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,469 AND THAT'S WHY I'M RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL. 588 00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,237 [applause] 589 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:06,873 LOOK, I'M NOT CRAZY. 590 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:07,874 I KNOW PAWNEE ISN'T 591 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,343 PARIS, OR LONDON, OR CHICAGO. 592 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,844 BUT IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE. 593 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:12,745 AND WORK. 594 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,382 AND SERVING THE GOOFBALLS IN THIS TOWN 595 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,450 IS AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE. 596 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:20,287 AND, YES, EVERY TOWN CLAIMS ITS DINER'S WAFFLES 597 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,454 ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD, 598 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,955 BUT SOMEWHERE, IN SOME TOWN, 599 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,358 THERE REALLY ARE THE BEST WAFFLES IN THE WORLD. 600 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:28,495 SO DELICIOUS, AND RICH, AND GOLDEN BROWN 601 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:31,498 THAT ANYONE WHO TASTED THEM WOULD DECIDE 602 00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:34,501 NEVER TO LEAVE THAT TOWN. 603 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:38,271 SOMEWHERE, THOSE WAFFLES EXIST. 604 00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:41,441 WHY CAN'T IT BE HERE? 605 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,876 JOAN PUT US IN HER BOOK CLUB. 606 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,512 ALTHOUGH I COULD DO WITHOUT THIS. 607 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:48,948 - LESLIE? 608 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,082 HERE'S THE THING. I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE STATE. 609 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:53,353 INDIANAPOLIS, BLOOMINGTON, LAFAYETTE, MUNCIE, GARY... 610 00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:54,487 ALL THE PLACES YOU MENTION IN THE BOOK. 611 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:55,555 AND I INTERVIEWED 612 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,457 ALL THE PEOPLE YOU MENTIONED. 613 00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:58,425 AND SO FAR, 614 00:20:58,458 --> 00:20:59,992 THERE IS NOT ONE INCORRECT FACT. 615 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,329 SO NOW I'M GOING TO HEAD TO THE HOUSE, SAY HEY TO GAYLE, 616 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:03,863 WISH MY DAUGHTER A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY... 617 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:04,897 IT WAS YESTERDAY... 618 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,466 AND THEN I'M GONNA HEAD BACK OUT 619 00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:08,000 AND HIT ALL THE TOWNS IN THE SOUTHEAST. 620 00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,536 BUT IS THERE ANYTHING I SHOULD KNOW? 621 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:13,072 ANY NEW INFO? 622 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,341 - NO. 623 00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,475 YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT. GODSPEED. 624 00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:16,476 - DOIN' WHAT I CAN. - YEP! 625 00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:17,477 - HEY, RON. 626 00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:19,479 GOTTA GO, DONNA. CAN'T TALK. 627 00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:21,381 - HE JUST SEEMED SO HAPPY. 628 00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,515 - I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. 629 00:21:22,565 --> 00:21:27,115 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43692

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