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1
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- SUPPORT
FOR PAWNEE COMMUNITY RADIO
2
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:03,471
COMES FROM THE WENDELL G.
3
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,107
AND MURIEL FATHWRIGHT
KORBLEMAN FOUNDATION
4
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,408
AND SWEETUMS CARES,
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00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,443
A NONPROFIT GROUP
THAT PUTS UMBRELLA HATS
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00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:13,347
ON HOMELESS PEOPLE
WHEN IT RAINS.
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00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:16,550
- WELCOME TO
THOUGHTS FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.
8
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,186
I'M DERRY MURBLES,
9
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,088
FILLING IN FOR DAVID PARKER,
10
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,190
WHO TOOK OFF
FOR EIGHT MONTHS
11
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,358
TO STUDY
THE MIGRATION PATTERNS
12
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,227
OF OUR NATION'S SQUIRRELS.
13
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,429
WE HAVE NOT
SEEN HIM SINCE.
14
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:31,399
MY GUEST TODAY IS AUTHOR
LESLIE KNOPE.
15
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,533
THE BOOK:
16
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:36,270
PAWNEE:
THE GREATEST TOWN IN AMERICA.
17
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- I WROTE A BOOK.
18
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,507
THE FIRST HISTORICAL GUIDE
TO PAWNEE.
19
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,375
I WROTE IT AS A REFERENCE
FOR MYSELF,
20
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,077
BUT THEN,
MY CAMPAIGN ADVISOR SAID
21
00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,079
WE SHOULD MAKE IT
A BIG, WIDE RELEASE.
22
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,247
SO WE HAD PEOPLE CONTRIBUTE,
23
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,281
WE ADDED PICTURES,
24
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,083
AND WE REMOVED
A LOT OF MY POEMS
25
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,484
AND EMOTIONAL RAMBLINGS
AND PICTURES OF UNICORNS,
26
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,320
AND HERE IT IS!
27
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:55,156
- LESLIE, COULD ONE SAY THAT
28
00:00:55,189 --> 00:01:00,361
A BOOK IS NOTHING MORE
THAN A PAINTING OF WORDS,
29
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,097
WHICH ARE THE NOTES
ON THE TAPESTRY
30
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:06,367
OF THE GREATEST FILM
EVER SCULPTED?
31
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:11,105
- ONE COULD SAY THAT.
32
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:12,273
BUT SHOULD ONE?
33
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,208
- JOIN US NEXT WEEK
WHEN DAVID BIANCULLI
34
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:17,311
WILL BE FILLING IN
FOR RICHARD CHANG-JEFFERSON,
35
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WHO WILL BE FILLING IN
FOR ME.
36
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LESLIE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TAKE US OUT?
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- OKAY.
38
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,219
"PLEASE ENJOY A SONG
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00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:28,522
"FROM THE LESBIAN
AFRO-NORWEGIAN FUNK DUO,
40
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,891
NEFERTITI'S FJORD."
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[eccentric pop music]
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*
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OH, WOW.
THEY ARE TERRIBLE.
44
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- OH, YES.
TH-THEY'RE QUITE AWFUL.
45
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,205
BUT THEY ARE LESBIANS,
SO--
46
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[triumphant music]
47
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:55,249
*
48
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,494
- USUALLY,
I ONLY READ NAUTICAL NOVELS
49
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,197
AND MY OWN PERSONAL MANIFESTOS,
50
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,198
BUT I'M PROUD TO MAKE
THIS EXCEPTION.
51
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,232
- THANK YOU, RON.
52
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,467
I EXPECT ALL OF YOU
TO BUY ADDITIONAL COPIES.
53
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,869
BUT I WANTED THE FIRST ONE
THAT YOU OWNED
54
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,272
TO BE DELIVERED AND SIGNED
BY ME.
55
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,874
- GOD, THIS GOES ON FOR,
LIKE, SEVEN PAGES!
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00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,343
- I STARTED THINKING ABOUT YOU
AS A WOMAN,
57
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,278
AND AS A PERSON,
AND I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
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00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:27,315
- OKAY, MINE JUST SAYS,
"GET WELL SOON."
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- AREN'T YOU SICK?
60
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- NO.
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00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,186
- SOMETHING'S OFF.
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00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,355
- LESLIE, I LOVED YOUR BOOK.
63
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,456
I READ IT COVER TO COVER.
- WOW.
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00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,258
I JUST GAVE IT TO YOU
AN HOUR AGO.
65
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,359
- I'M A SPEED READER.
66
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,294
I CAN READ
OVER 3,000 WORDS A MINUTE
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00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,862
WITH TOTAL COMPREHENSION.
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00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,265
ONE TIME, I READ ALL
OF SIDDHARTH AT A TRAFFIC STOP.
69
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:45,966
- [scatting]
70
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,836
PAWNEE'S MOST NOTORIOUS
BUSINESSMAN IN THE BUILDING.
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00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,404
I BROUGHT SOME
ENTERTAINMENT 720 PILLOWCASES
72
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,272
FOR YOUR PILLOW.
73
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,942
- "NEVER STOP DREAMING."
TOM HAVERFORD.
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00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,311
- "I NEVER DO."
CHRIS TRAEGER.
75
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,447
- RESPECT.
GAME RECOGNIZE GAME.
76
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,849
- TOM, I HAVE PAWNEE TODAY
IN AN HOUR.
77
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,951
WAS MY BOOK SELECTED
FOR JOAN'S BOOK CLUB?
78
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:06,254
- JOAN CALLAMEZZO
HAS A BOOK CLUB?
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00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,955
- JOAN CALLAMEZZO STARTED
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00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,324
A BOOK CLUB FOUR YEARS AGO.
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00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,360
AND NOW SHE IS THE LITERARY
TASTEMAKER IN THE TOWN.
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00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,362
THE TIME-TRAVELER'S
OPTOMETRIST,
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00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,497
BY PAWNEE'S OWN
PENELOPE FOSTER.
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00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,467
A HEARTWARMING STORY
ABOUT A CAVEMAN EYE DOCTOR
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00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,469
WHO TRAVELS
TO PRESENT-DAY CINCINNATI
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00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,904
AND CAN SEE EVERYTHING
BUT LOVE.
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UNREADABLE.
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THEN JOAN SLAPS HER STICKER
ON IT,
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00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:30,278
BEST SELLER,
FOUR YEARS IN A ROW.
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00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,879
YOU TOLD ME YOU COULD GET ME
THAT STICKER.
91
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,347
DID YOU GET IT?
- I'M TRYING, LESLIE.
92
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,515
BUT JOAN GOT
AN ANONYMOUS TIP
93
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,384
THAT THERE'S A
FACTUAL INACCURACY
94
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,418
IN YOUR BOOK.
95
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,387
- [chuckles]
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
96
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,489
I CHECKED EVERY DETAIL
WITH THE HISTORICAL SOCIETY.
97
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,523
- DID SHE SAY WHAT IT WAS?
98
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,024
- SHE WON'T TELL ME.
99
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,993
I THINK SHE WANTS ONE
OF HER BIG "GOTCHA" MOMENTS.
100
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:49,530
- WELL, SHE'S NOT GONNA
GETCH ME.
101
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,365
- I FOUND NO INACCURACIES.
102
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,367
- JOAN CALLAMEZZO CLAIMS THERE
IS A MISTAKE IN MY BOOK,
103
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:54,902
WHICH THERE IS NOT,
104
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:55,903
AND SO NOW,
SHE'S TRYIN' TO GET ME
105
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,037
ON A TINY TECHNICALITY.
106
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,339
SO JUST IN CASE
THERE IS A MISTAKE,
107
00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,373
WHICH THERE IS NOT,
108
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,908
I NEED ALL OF YOU
FACT-CHECKING
109
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,343
EVERY SINGLE DETAIL.
110
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,044
JERRY, I NEED YOU
TO HIT THE ROAD
111
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,946
AND RE-INTERVIEW EVERYONE
WHO LIVES OUT OF TOWN.
112
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,014
- ON IT, BOSS.
113
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,316
- THE REST OF YOU,
CALL ME
114
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,417
AS SOON AS YOU
FIND THE MISTAKE
115
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:12,920
THAT DOES NOT EXIST.
116
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,021
- DO YOU THINK THERE'S ACTUALLY
A MISTAKE IN HERE?
117
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,323
- I DOUBT IT.
118
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,924
IF THERE'S ONE THING
LESLIE'S NOT,
119
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IT'S SLOPPY.
120
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,394
SHE'S ALSO NOT BRIEF.
121
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,430
THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER.
122
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,497
IT'S JUST US,
I HOPE.
123
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- I WISH.
124
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,066
- HEY, GUYS!
125
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,468
READY TO DO
SOME FACT-CHECKIN'?
126
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,469
- [sighs]
127
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,939
- HERE WE GO.
HELPING LESLIE.
128
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,275
OKEY-DOKE.
129
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,513
- HI.
JOAN CALLAMEZZO.
130
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:40,514
- OH, YEAH.
HI. BEN WYATT.
131
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:41,515
W-WE'VE MET.
132
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,916
- I DON'T THINK SO.
133
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,419
- YEAH,
I WAS ON YOUR SHOW.
134
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,921
- NOPE.
[chuckles]
135
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,958
- * I'M TRYIN' TO FIND THE WORDS
TO DESCRIBE THIS GIRL *
136
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,926
* WITHOUT BEIN' DISRESPECTFUL
- [laughs]
137
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:53,961
- GETTING THE BOOK
138
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,364
INTO JOAN'S BOOK CLUB
WILL REALLY HELP LESLIE.
139
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,566
BUT IT'LL ALSO HELP MY COMPANY,
ENTERTAINMENT 720.
140
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,100
AT THE RISK OF BRAGGING,
141
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,502
ONE OF THE THINGS
I'M BEST AT
142
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,036
IS RIDING COATTAILS.
143
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,538
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN...
144
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:07,040
IS ME, SMILING
AND TAKING PARTIAL CREDIT.
145
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,476
NOW, ABOUT LESLIE'S BOOK.
146
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,110
AM I GONNA BE HAPPY?
147
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,913
- WE'LL SEE,
WON'T WE? OOH!
148
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:13,914
- [chuckles]
149
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:16,384
- [giggles]
150
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,919
- WOW, YOU GUYS
ARE REALLY CUTE TOGETHER.
151
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:21,522
- BEN, I'M CUTE TOGETHER
WITH EVERYBODY.
152
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,392
- ANYONE FIND ANY MISTAKES?
153
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,292
- YEAH, ACTUALLY.
154
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,562
IN HERE, IT SAYS THAT
PAWNEE IS GREAT.
155
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,531
BUT IN REALITY,
IT'S TERRIBLE.
156
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,401
- LET TOM KNOW
WE HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING.
157
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,035
- HEY, I'M THINKING
ABOUT GETTING A NEW PHONE.
158
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:35,936
DO YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR PHONES?
159
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:40,140
- I'VE NEVER USED A PHONE
IN MY LIFE.
160
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,942
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, RON?
DO YOU LIKE YOUR PHONE?
161
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,944
- [grunts]
162
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,946
- HERE'S MY GOAL.
163
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:46,947
I'M GONNA GET THESE TWO PEOPLE
164
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,582
THAT I'VE KNOWN
FOR A LONG TIME
165
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,485
TO TALK TO ME
FOR FIVE MINUTES.
166
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,486
WHO AM I KIDDING?
167
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,954
ONE MINUTE.
168
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,023
ONE MINUTE WOULD BE AMAZING.
169
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:56,990
- SO, LESLIE.
170
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,092
YOU'RE A REAL NATIVE OF PAWNEE,
AREN'T YOU?
171
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,995
- YES, I WAS BORN
AND RAISED HERE, JOAN.
172
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,397
AND I LOVE THE TOWN SO MUCH,
173
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:04,598
I LITERALLY WROTE
THE BOOK ON IT.
174
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,567
- I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.
175
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,136
AND ALSO, IN THIS HAND,
RIGHT HERE,
176
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,604
I HAVE A STICKER.
177
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,406
WHICH, WHEN APPLIED,
LEGALLY DETERMINES
178
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,575
THE NEWEST SELECTION
OF JOAN'S BOOK CLUB.
179
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:18,512
- [chuckles]
- UH...OH...WHOA!
180
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,047
WHERE--
OVER HERE?
181
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,449
BACK HERE?
[chuckles]
182
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,616
WHERE IS IT NOW?
- COME ON, STICK IT.
183
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,953
- OOH.
OH, HANG ON--
184
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:26,987
- STICK THE STICKER.
STICK THE ST--
185
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,922
- NO, NO, NO.
NOT SO FAST.
186
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,124
WE RECEIVED
A TIP THAT YOU,
187
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,193
LESLIE "BORN AND RAISED"
KNOPE,
188
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,063
WERE NOT BORN IN PAWNEE.
189
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,131
- WHAT?
190
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,199
- GOTCHA!
191
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,068
AND BECAUSE YOU LIED ABOUT IT,
192
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,203
WE CANNOT MAKE THIS
A BOOK CLUB SELECTION.
193
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,972
- I WAS BORN IN PAWNEE.
194
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,039
I'D STAKE MY REPUTATION ON IT.
195
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:46,840
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
196
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,109
THIS FEELS LIKE
GOTCHA JOURNALISM.
197
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,043
- IN WHAT WAY?
198
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,580
- THAT WAY.
YOU PUT "GOTCHA" ON MY FACE.
199
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,014
- AFTER THE BREAK:
200
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,215
WHERE WAS LESLIE KNOPE
ACTUALLY BORN?
201
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,016
- PAWNEE!
202
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,185
- WE WILL PULL OUT
THE WORLD MAP
203
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,588
AND SPECULATE WILDLY.
204
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,189
- * JOAN GOTCHA
205
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,224
- OH, GOD.
NOT THE GOTCHA DANCERS.
206
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,126
- * BETCHA THOUGHT YOU'D
207
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,995
* GET AWAY WITCHA
208
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,931
* BUTCHA GOT CAUGHT,
DIDN'T YA? *
209
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,065
* JOAN GOTCHA
210
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,035
- THAT WAS DESPICABLE.
211
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,537
I AM HORRIFIED
AT HER TACTICS.
212
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,038
THAT SAID,
THE SHOW WAS PRETTY LIVELY.
213
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,039
[chuckles]
214
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,574
* JOAN GOTCHA!
215
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,075
Chris and Tom:
* DON'T IT HURTCHA?
216
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,076
- IT'S VERY CATCHY.
217
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,077
- OKAY, BEN, TOM,
218
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,078
YOU STAY HERE,
STAY ON JOAN.
219
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,046
GET THAT STICKER.
220
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,048
CHRIS, ANDY,
WE'RE GONNA STAY ON SCHEDULE,
221
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,149
AND WE'RE GONNA DO
SOME DAMAGE CONTROL.
222
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,250
- ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY MOVE!
223
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,318
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
224
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,487
THIS ENTIRE EVENT IS
UNDER FEDERAL JURISDICTION.
225
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:34,588
UNLESS HE'S IN TROUBLE,
226
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,023
THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN
FOR THE JOB.
227
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,527
BERT MACKLIN, FBI.
228
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,562
YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD?
[chuckles]
229
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:45,265
SO DID THE PRESIDENT'S
ENEMIES.
230
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,267
- CALL IF YOU NEED US.
231
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,236
OKAY.
232
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,271
ALL RIGHT, SO WE DON'T
HAVE TO FACT-CHECK ANYMORE.
233
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,942
BUT LESLIE WANTS US
TO BE ON READY-ALERT ONE
234
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,209
JUST IN CASE
SOMETHING COMES UP.
235
00:07:56,243 --> 00:08:00,981
- NOW I CAN GET
SOME REAL WORK DONE.
236
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,017
- YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M
JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE
237
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,018
WITH YOU GUYS,
IF THAT'S COOL.
238
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,520
- IT'S NOT.
239
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:08,088
- GREAT.
240
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,990
I COULD LEAVE.
I COULD.
241
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,525
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
242
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,527
I WILL GET MY ONE MINUTE
243
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,563
OF SMALL TALK,
DAMN IT.
244
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,130
AND IT WILL BE CASUAL,
245
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,299
AND IT WILL BE AMICABLE!
246
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,168
- DID LESLIE LEAVE?
247
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,537
WE WANTED HER TO SIGN
THE GOTCHA WALL.
248
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:25,238
[laughs]
- JOANIE.
249
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,173
COME ON, NOW.
WHAT WAS THAT?
250
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,075
I THOUGHT WE WERE
GONNA GET THAT STICKER.
251
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,176
- SORRY, TOM.
252
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,911
BUT I AM,
FIRST AND FOREMOST,
253
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,245
A JOURNALIST.
254
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,947
- LET US TAKE YOU TO LUNCH.
255
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,916
OKAY?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE BOOK.
256
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,918
AND...
WHATEVER ELSE MAY COME UP.
257
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,921
- LET ME GO CHANGE
INTO SOMETHING MORE TANTALIZING.
258
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,923
ALL RIGHT?
[giggles]
259
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,926
- SO, WHAT?
WE'RE TAKING HER TO LUNCH NOW?
260
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,195
- BEN, LESLIE HIRED MY COMPANY
TO GET HER THAT STICKER.
261
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,162
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME
262
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,965
"BUSINESSES" NEED "CLIENTS"
TO GET "MONEY."
263
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,034
- I WAS THE FIRST ONE
TO TELL YOU THAT?
264
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,335
- DON'T WORRY.
THIS IS IN THE BAG.
265
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,137
JOAN'S A MARRIED WOMAN.
266
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,206
SHE WANTS WHAT SHE CAN'T HAVE.
267
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,242
IT'S A GAME
OF CAT AND MOUSE.
268
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,921
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
269
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,924
OUR JOURNEY BEGINS ON PAGE ONE,
THE PREFACE.
270
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,091
- [clears throat]
271
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,359
- OH, BOY.
YES?
272
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,962
- I THINK I SPEAK ON BEHALF
OF EVERYONE
273
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,931
IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
WHEN I SAY...
274
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:26,600
WE NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH
ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE BORN.
275
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,936
- OKAY. WELL--
- LESLIE?
276
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,138
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
277
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,139
DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
278
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,607
I MEAN,
HOW MANY OF YOU
279
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:37,244
WERE ACTUALLY BORN
IN PAWNEE?
280
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,046
SURE ENOUGH.
281
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,280
- NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEARD,
MA'AM,
282
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,149
THE TRUTH IS,
I WAS BORN HERE.
283
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,984
- IF YOU WERE SO BORN HERE,
284
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,053
THEN WHERE'S
YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
285
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,088
- WELL, I DON'T CARRY
MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE AROUND
286
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,223
WITH ME--
- WHY?
287
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,092
BECAUSE YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING?
288
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,360
YOU SHOULD GO BACK
WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
289
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,328
- I AM BACK FROM
WHERE I CAME FROM!
290
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,330
- THAT SENTENCE WAS CONFUSING!
291
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,066
YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE FROM CHINA!
- TELL US!
292
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,333
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
- IS IT?
293
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,935
- I'M FROM HERE!
294
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,136
- THIS CROWD GETTING
VERY HOSTILE, MS. KNOPE.
295
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,137
I'M GONNA GET YOU
OUTTA HERE.
296
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,238
- OH, MY GOD.
- BACK OFF!
297
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,273
- OKAY, OKAY.
[indistinct yelling]
298
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,108
THANK YOU.
- GO, GO, GO!
299
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,210
- WHEN I WAS 18,
300
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:13,146
VAL KILMER SAW ME
AT A MALL
301
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,115
AND TOLD ME
I SHOULD MODEL.
302
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,116
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
303
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,351
- THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
304
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,353
- SO, JOAN, HOW IS
MARRIED LIFE TREATING YOU?
305
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,355
YOUR HUSBAND STILL KNOW HE'S
THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD?
306
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,324
- SANTINO AND I ARE DIVORCING.
307
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,358
- OH.
308
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,227
- IT'S ACTUALLY
QUITE LIBERATING.
309
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:30,964
I'M A WOMAN
WITH A STRONG SEXUAL APPETITE.
310
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:33,233
I'M LIKE A CAGED PEACOCK,
311
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:36,103
YEARNING FOR THE WIND
ON HER HAUNCHES.
312
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,371
- THAT'S A POWERFUL METAPHOR.
313
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:41,241
- MAYBE WE CAN GET
THAT BOOK CLUB STICKER IN ORDER,
314
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,977
AND WE CAN WORK ON
UNLOCKIN' THAT PEACOCK CAGE.
315
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:44,845
- THINGS HAVE CHANGED,
TOM.
316
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:48,281
DON'T MAKE ANY PROMISES
YOU CAN'T KEEP.
317
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,983
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK,
318
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:54,254
AND SO WILL THIS ADORABLE HUNK
OF CARAMEL TO MY RIGHT.
319
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,322
DRINK UP,
TOM.
320
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,190
I'M GONNA GO POWDER
MY NOSE...
321
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,426
AMONGST OTHER THINGS.
[chuckles]
322
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:05,265
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
[giggles]
323
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,099
CRAP.
324
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:09,136
- IS SHE GONNA POWDER
HER VAGINA?
325
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,403
- YOU GOTTA HELP ME, MAN.
- WHY?
326
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,040
SEEMS TO BE GOING
THE USUAL AMOUNT OF GROSS.
327
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,141
- NO, THIS IS WAY DIFFERENT.
328
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,008
SHE'S NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.
329
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,143
SHE HAD, LIKE,
FIVE BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL,
330
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,277
SHE'S CALLIN' ME
"CARAMEL."
331
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,212
YOU'VE GOTTA THROW SOME
COLD WATER ON THIS SITUATION.
332
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,413
START TALKIN' ABOUT NERD STUFF.
333
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,315
- YOU KNOW,
NERD CULTURE IS MAINSTREAM NOW.
334
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,450
SO WHEN YOU USE THE WORD
335
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,252
"NERD" DEROGATORILY,
336
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,054
MEANS YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT'S OUT OF THE ZEITGEIST.
337
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,421
- YES, THAT'S PERFECT.
JUST LIKE THAT.
338
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,090
BE INCREDIBLY BORING.
339
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,993
- WELL, I'VE MADE
A LITTLE PROGRESS.
340
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,195
I'M UP TO FOUR SECONDS
WITH APRIL.
341
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,029
HEY, APRIL.
342
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,098
I WAS LOOKING TO GET
SOME NEW MUSIC,
343
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,167
AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD RECOMMEND ANYTHING.
344
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,301
- THE INTERNET.
345
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,369
- I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT.
346
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,371
W-W-WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
- PRISON.
347
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,372
- HOW'S YOUR SISTER DOIN'?
348
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,107
- SHE HAS THE SHINGLES.
349
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,109
- WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER
ON SEX AND THE CITY?
350
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,344
- ALF.
351
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,280
- AND...
NINE SECONDS WITH RON.
352
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,182
YOU'RE STRANDED
ON A DESERT ISLAND.
353
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,184
WHAT IS THE ONE THING
THAT YOU BRING WITH YOU?
354
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,388
- SILENCE.
355
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,291
[flute notes]
356
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:06,426
- WE DID A FLASH POLL.
357
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:09,129
68% OF PAWNEEANS
NOW BELIEVE YOU'RE LYING
358
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,163
ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE BORN.
359
00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:12,032
HONESTY IS IMPORTANT TO VOTERS.
360
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,134
- 13% THINK I'M CRAZY-EYED?
361
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,103
WHAT?
WHY?
362
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,404
WHATEVER,
I CAN END THIS NOW.
363
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,006
HERE'S MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
364
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,340
- MM-HMM.
365
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,109
WELL, THIS JUST SAYS
"WAMAPOKE COUNTY."
366
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:23,410
- YEAH.
THAT'S THE COUNTY PAWNEE IS IN.
367
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,212
- WELL, NO.
THIS WON'T DO IT.
368
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,114
- SEE, YOU STAKED
YOUR REPUTATION ON THIS.
369
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,048
SO YOU NEED TO GO DOWN
370
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,016
TO THE COUNTY RECORDS OFFICE
IN EAGLETON
371
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,351
AND GET THE ORIGINAL,
LONG-FORM CERTIFICATE.
372
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,121
- OH, GOD.
DON'T MAKE ME GO TO EAGLETON.
373
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,123
EAGLETON IS THE LAND
OF RICH, SNOBBY JERKS.
374
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,291
THERE'S A WHOLE CHAPTER
ABOUT IT IN MY BOOK.
375
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,027
I COULD WRITE A SECOND BOOK
ABOUT EAGLETON
376
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,328
AND HOW STUPID IT IS.
377
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:44,331
AND I'D CALL IT EAGLETON:
THE LAND OF RICH, SNOBBY JERKS.
378
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:48,135
- HELLO...AND WELCOME TO THE
WAMAPOKE COUNTY RECORDS OFFICE,
379
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,203
HERE IN BEAUTIFUL EAGLETON.
380
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,039
MY NAME IS ALEXIS PRATCHETT.
381
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,440
- TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH,
ALEXIS.
382
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:56,143
I NEED A COPY
OF MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
383
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,410
- OOH, I'M SORRY.
384
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,113
IT TAKES THREE TO EIGHT WEEKS
TO RECEIVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
385
00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,481
- REALLY?
386
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,220
- HI,
I'M CHRIS.
387
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:10,023
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU MIGHT
MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR ME?
388
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:13,260
- OH, I'M SORRY.
NO.
389
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,030
- WOW.
THAT USUALLY WORKS.
390
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,431
- OH, GOD.
I HATE THIS STUPID TOWN
391
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,400
WITH ALL ITS STUPID,
TERRIBLE PEOPLE.
392
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:21,434
I NEED THAT BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
393
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,337
- LESLIE, WAIT HERE.
394
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:26,306
BERT MACKLIN IS ON THE CASE.
395
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,175
- ANDY--
- NO.
396
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:32,112
DON'T WORRY.
I CAN DO THIS.
397
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,147
BELIEVE IN ME!
398
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,416
[yells]
399
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,186
THAT'S BROKEN.
400
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,156
HOLD ON.
401
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,291
LESLIE.
REAL QUICK.
402
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,126
UH, SPELL YOUR LAST NAME FOR ME.
403
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:50,130
- * LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS
WHOO!
404
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,366
- WOW. THAT WAS AS LONG
AS IT WAS LOUD.
405
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,367
- [sighs]
406
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,403
TAKE ME HOME,
DUMPLING.
407
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,005
IT'S BEDDY TIME.
408
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,339
- AH.
HEY, BEN.
409
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,140
YOU LIKE STAR TREK.
410
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,408
TALK ABOUT THAT
FOR A LITTLE BIT.
411
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:05,112
- THEY'RE MAKING A SEQUEL...
412
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:08,148
I'M ASSUMING WITH
THE SAME ALTERNATE TIMELINE.
413
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,416
BUT IF J.J. ABRAMS AND COMPANY
414
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,184
EXPECT US TO BELIEVE
THAT IT'S SPOCK
415
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:14,221
WITH THE ROMANTIC TENSION
WITH UHURA AND NOT KIRK...
416
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:18,025
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY, THE
MESSAGE BOARDS ARE GOIN' NUTS.
417
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:22,029
- I WANNA TAKE YOU BOTH HOME
AND [bleep] BEND YOU OVER
418
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,365
AND JUST [bleep]
419
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:28,435
AT THE SAME TIME.
WHOO!
420
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,037
- I'M LEAVING.
421
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,138
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
422
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,072
WE GOTTA GET HER HOME.
423
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,207
- TOM, I KNOW
YOUR BUSINESS IS FAILING,
424
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,442
BUT THIS JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.
425
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,210
- IT'S NOT ABOUT
THE BUSINESS ANYMORE, MAN.
426
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,111
SH-SHE'S A DISASTER.
427
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,280
WE GOTTA MAKE SURE
SHE GETS HOME SAFE.
428
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,215
[grunting]
429
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:43,416
WHOA, WHOA.
430
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,252
WHOA.
431
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,419
- WHAT THE HELL?
432
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,221
OKAY, LET'S GET HER
ON THE BED.
433
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,157
- OKAY. ONE.
- OH, MY GOD.
434
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,125
[together] TWO.
435
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:55,028
[together] THREE.
436
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,296
[grunts]
437
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,065
- LET'S GO, BRO.
438
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:58,999
SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT JOAN,
439
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,267
BUT SHE KNOWS HOW TO
DECORATE A BEDROOM.
440
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,369
- OH, MY GOD.
- WOW.
441
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,137
- WHERE THE HELL AM I?
442
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,139
- I JUST WANNA SEE HOW SOFT
THESE SHEETS ARE. ONE SECOND.
443
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,008
- [whispering] TOM, NO.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
444
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,109
[Joan yells]
- AH!
445
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,111
- JOAN, WE LEFT YOU SOME WATER
AND ASPIRIN BY THE BED!
446
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,346
BYE!
447
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,015
- GOT IT!
448
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,383
GOT IT!
449
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,285
- NICE!
450
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,386
- I ALSO GOT
THIS DUDE'S BRIEFCASE.
451
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,420
IT WAS JUST LAYIN' THERE.
452
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,023
KIND OF A PANIC MOVE.
453
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,191
- I BELIEVED IN YOU,
BUDDY.
454
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,225
BUT YOU SHOULD PUT THAT BACK.
455
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,393
- OKAY.
456
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,995
- OKAY, SO.
LESLIE BARBARA KNOPE,
457
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,296
BORN JANUARY 18th,
458
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,397
TO ROBERT AND MARLENE KNOPE,
459
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:35,335
IN EAGLETON, INDIANA.
460
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,237
I'M FROM EAGLETON!
461
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,010
- IS IT TRUE, MOM?
WAS I BORN...IN EAGLETON?
462
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,311
- YES, IT'S TRUE.
463
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,146
- NO!
464
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:49,282
- PAWNEE HOSPITAL WAS OVERRUN
WITH RACCOONS AT THE TIME.
465
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,218
SO WE HAD TO GO TO
THE NEXT CLOSEST HOSPITAL.
466
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,385
- [groans]
467
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:53,286
- I'M SORRY.
468
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,023
DID YOU EXPECT ME
TO GIVE BIRTH TO YOU
469
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,258
IN AN INFESTED,
DISEASE-FILLED ROOM?
470
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,393
- MOM, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
471
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,295
- YOU TRY TELLING
THAT LITTLE GIRL
472
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,296
SHE'S NOT FROM PAWNEE.
473
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,232
I CERTAINLY COULDN'T.
474
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,300
SO YOU WERE TECHNICALLY BORN
IN EAGLETON.
475
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,036
WHO CARES?
476
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,237
- I CARE.
477
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,339
THE PEOPLE OF PAWNEE CARE.
478
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,107
I WROTE ON THE COVER
OF MY BOOK
479
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,375
THAT I WAS BORN IN PAWNEE.
480
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,277
I WENT ON PAWNEE TODAY,
481
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,447
AND I CALLED JOAN A LIAR!
482
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,448
I'M THE LIAR.
483
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,283
I'M WORSE THAN A LIAR.
484
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,453
I'M AN...
485
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:30,023
[choking]
EAGLETONIAN.
486
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,391
- MORNING.
487
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,426
IS LESLIE HERE?
488
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:36,129
AW, MAN.
I AM SO TIRED.
489
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:39,166
I TOOK A HALF-SHIFT
AT THE HOSPITAL LAST NIGHT.
490
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:42,335
AND I HAD
THIS REALLY WEIRD PATIENT.
491
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,438
- WEIRD HOW?
492
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,274
- I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TALK
ABOUT IT.
493
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:50,077
IT'S ONE OF THE GROSSEST THINGS
I'VE EVER SEEN.
494
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,078
- TALK.
495
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,445
- WELL, THIS GUY CAME IN.
496
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,314
HE GOT HIS HAND STUCK
IN A PRINGLES CAN,
497
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,416
AND HE TRIED TO CUT HIMSELF OUT.
498
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,485
- WAS THERE A LOT OF BLOOD?
- WHAT KIND OF BLADE DID HE USE?
499
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,221
- UH, THREE-AND-A-HALF-INCH?
500
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,223
SERRATED?
BUCKETS OF BLOOD.
501
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,292
HE PASSED OUT OVER HIS ARM,
502
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,393
AND SLUMPED ONTO THE FLOOR.
503
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,427
- DID THE BONE SHOW?
504
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,828
- VERY GOOD QUESTION, APRIL.
505
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,829
ANSWER HER.
506
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,064
- YEAH.
507
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,133
THE BONE SHOWED.
508
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,235
EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE LOVES
A GROSS MEDICAL STORY.
509
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,336
BOOM!
510
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,337
I WIN!
511
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,239
AND SO WHEN I
FINALLY CLEANED UP THE VOMIT,
512
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,141
I FOUND THE TOE.
513
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,142
- I FORGOT ABOUT THE TOE!
514
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,843
- SO DID WE!
CRAZY, RIGHT?
515
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,312
- [chuckles]
- THAT STORY'S AWESOME!
516
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:28,515
- INDEED.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING, JENNY.
517
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,353
ANN WAS GETTING
A LITTLE CHUMMY.
518
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,123
WHEN PEOPLE GET TOO CHUMMY
WITH ME,
519
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,325
I LIKE TO CALL THEM BY
THE WRONG NAME TO LET THEM KNOW
520
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,327
I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THEM.
521
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,162
- THAT'S A GENIUS MOVE.
522
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,330
- THANK YOU.
523
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,366
- YOU'RE WELCOME,
LESTER.
524
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,236
- OH, MY GOD.
525
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:51,404
I WONDER WHO ELSE WAS BORN
IN EAGLETON.
526
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,873
VOLDEMORT, PROBABLY.
527
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,375
- BAD NEWS, TEAM.
528
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,377
ENTERTAINMENT 720 WAS UNABLE
TO GET THE STICKER
529
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,311
FOR LESLIE'S BOOK.
530
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,347
- THE STICKER IS THE LEAST
OF MY PROBLEMS.
531
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,882
IF I COME CLEAN ABOUT
WHERE I'M FROM,
532
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,218
THEN MY POLITICAL CAREER
IS OVER.
533
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,886
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM
A DAMN THING.
534
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,888
THE ONLY THING THE VOTERS NEED
TO KNOW ABOUT YOU
535
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,223
IS YOUR NAME.
536
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,259
AND EVEN THAT,
I GO BACK AND FORTH ON.
537
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,894
- I'M SORRY,
BUT I DISAGREE.
538
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,197
LESLIE, WHERE YOU WERE BORN
IS A PIECE OF TRIVIA.
539
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,398
WHERE YOU'RE FROM...
540
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,899
THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU
WHO YOU ARE.
541
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,902
AND YOU ARE FROM PAWNEE.
542
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,571
YOU'RE MORE PAWNEE
THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
543
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,406
SO I SAY,
TELL THEM THE TRUTH,
544
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:30,477
AND TRUST THAT THEY'RE
GONNA RESPECT YOU FOR IT.
545
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:33,180
- DAMN IT, HE'S RIGHT.
WELL SAID.
546
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,214
- THANKS, RON.
547
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:37,250
- YOU'RE WELCOME, STEVE.
548
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,353
- JOAN.
549
00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,489
THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVIN'
LESLIE BACK ON THE PROGRAM.
550
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:46,259
- WELL, THANK YOU
FOR GETTING ME HOME LAST NIGHT.
551
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:49,429
I WASN'T, UH,
FEELING VERY WELL.
552
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,531
BECAUSE OF SOME BAD SEAFOOD
THAT I ATE.
553
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:56,269
- YES, THAT'S PROBABLY
WHAT IT WAS.
554
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:59,506
- I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
TO THOSE THAT I'VE MISLED.
555
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,508
I THOUGHT I WAS
TELLING THE TRUTH,
556
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,344
BUT, SADLY,
I WAS BORN IN EAGLETON.
557
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,479
- WHA--?
[laughs]
558
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,949
WELL, THAT IS WORSE THAN I
EVER COULD HAVE HOPED FOR.
559
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,184
- I LEARNED SOMETHING, JOAN.
560
00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:12,519
IT'S NOT WHERE YOU'RE BORN.
561
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,454
IT'S WHERE YOU'RE FROM.
562
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,456
WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD,
563
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,524
I BROKE MY ARM.
564
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,459
SLEDDING ON THAT GIANT HILL
565
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,494
BEHIND KERNSTON'S
RUBBER NIPPLE FACTORY.
566
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,463
YOU KNOW, NIPPLE HILL.
- OF COURSE.
567
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,931
- IT GETS VERY SLIPPERY THERE.
568
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,933
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S WET.
- YES.
569
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,968
- AND, JIM. JIM KABERNICK.
I KNOW JIM.
570
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,370
JIM AND I HAVE GONE
TO SCHOOL TOGETHER
571
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,371
SINCE WE WERE, LIKE,
THREE YEARS OLD.
572
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:32,939
- YES, THAT'S TRUE.
573
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,474
- DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU PEED
YOUR PANTS IN SECOND GRADE?
574
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,444
- WHY--WHY DID YOU
BRING THAT UP? I SAID YES.
575
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:38,845
- YOU STUCK YOUR UNDERWEAR
IN YOUR DRAWER,
576
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,912
AND YOU GOT REALLY EMBARRASSED,
577
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:40,913
AND THEN THE TEACHER CAME OVER
AND PULLED THEM OUT.
578
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:43,383
AND EVERYBODY CALLED YOU
"THE GERBIL" BECAUSE
579
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,952
YOU ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE
SOILED WOOD CHIPS?
580
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,454
- LESLIE, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
WE'RE ON TV.
581
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:48,988
- THE POINT IS
582
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,390
YOU CAN'T CHOOSE
WHERE YOU WERE BORN.
583
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,959
BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE
WHERE YOU LIVE.
584
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:53,993
I LOVE THIS TOWN.
585
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,363
I ALWAYS HAVE.
I ALWAYS WILL.
586
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,266
AND THAT'S WHY I WROTE
A BOOK ABOUT IT.
587
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,469
AND THAT'S WHY I'M RUNNING
FOR CITY COUNCIL.
588
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,237
[applause]
589
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:06,873
LOOK, I'M NOT CRAZY.
590
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:07,874
I KNOW PAWNEE ISN'T
591
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,343
PARIS, OR LONDON,
OR CHICAGO.
592
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,844
BUT IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE.
593
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:12,745
AND WORK.
594
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,382
AND SERVING THE GOOFBALLS
IN THIS TOWN
595
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,450
IS AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE.
596
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:20,287
AND, YES, EVERY TOWN CLAIMS
ITS DINER'S WAFFLES
597
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,454
ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD,
598
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,955
BUT SOMEWHERE,
IN SOME TOWN,
599
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,358
THERE REALLY ARE
THE BEST WAFFLES IN THE WORLD.
600
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:28,495
SO DELICIOUS, AND RICH,
AND GOLDEN BROWN
601
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:31,498
THAT ANYONE WHO TASTED THEM
WOULD DECIDE
602
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:34,501
NEVER TO LEAVE THAT TOWN.
603
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:38,271
SOMEWHERE,
THOSE WAFFLES EXIST.
604
00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:41,441
WHY CAN'T IT BE HERE?
605
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,876
JOAN PUT US
IN HER BOOK CLUB.
606
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,512
ALTHOUGH I COULD DO
WITHOUT THIS.
607
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:48,948
- LESLIE?
608
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,082
HERE'S THE THING.
I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE STATE.
609
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:53,353
INDIANAPOLIS, BLOOMINGTON,
LAFAYETTE, MUNCIE, GARY...
610
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:54,487
ALL THE PLACES YOU MENTION
IN THE BOOK.
611
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:55,555
AND I INTERVIEWED
612
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,457
ALL THE PEOPLE YOU MENTIONED.
613
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:58,425
AND SO FAR,
614
00:20:58,458 --> 00:20:59,992
THERE IS NOT ONE INCORRECT FACT.
615
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,329
SO NOW I'M GOING TO HEAD
TO THE HOUSE, SAY HEY TO GAYLE,
616
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:03,863
WISH MY DAUGHTER
A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY...
617
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:04,897
IT WAS YESTERDAY...
618
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,466
AND THEN I'M GONNA HEAD BACK OUT
619
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:08,000
AND HIT ALL THE TOWNS
IN THE SOUTHEAST.
620
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,536
BUT IS THERE ANYTHING
I SHOULD KNOW?
621
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:13,072
ANY NEW INFO?
622
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,341
- NO.
623
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,475
YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT.
GODSPEED.
624
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:16,476
- DOIN' WHAT I CAN.
- YEP!
625
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:17,477
- HEY, RON.
626
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:19,479
GOTTA GO, DONNA.
CAN'T TALK.
627
00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:21,381
- HE JUST SEEMED SO HAPPY.
628
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,515
- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
629
00:21:22,565 --> 00:21:27,115
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