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1
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Boy, the way Glenn Miller played
2
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Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:11,734
Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:11,734 --> 00:00:14,734
Those were the days
5
00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:18,801
And you knew where you were then
6
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:22,067
Girls were girls, and men were men
7
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Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again
8
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Didn't need no welfare state
9
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Everybody pulled his weight
10
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Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
11
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Those were the days
12
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:52,501
Hey, if you need help with that
crossword, kiddo, just holler.
13
00:00:52,501 --> 00:00:54,100
You know, I'll throw you a word.
14
00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:56,767
'Cause if there's one thing
I'm good at it's words.
15
00:00:56,767 --> 00:01:00,667
Eight across: "A Biblical
hymn sung in church."
16
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:03,601
Oh, well, that's right up my ally, there,
17
00:01:03,601 --> 00:01:08,200
'cause, you know, my two best
subjects is religion and wrestling.
18
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,667
Uh, let's see, a Biblical hymn.
19
00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:12,601
How many letters is that?
20
00:01:12,601 --> 00:01:13,767
Five.
21
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Five.
22
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I think I got that. Hold it.
23
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Sa-o--
24
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:24,767
I think they're wrong
there, it's only four.
25
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You see the word is psalm, s-o-m-m.
26
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:31,534
Put that down there.
27
00:01:33,701 --> 00:01:36,567
What am I supposed to do
with the extra square?
28
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:40,067
Just take your pencil and black it in.
29
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,834
I think it's p-s-a-l-m.
30
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:46,400
Well, I ain't gonna argue
with you there, snooks.
31
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If you wanna go around the rest
of your life say "pasalam"
32
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:53,267
that's okay with me.
33
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:55,334
And when your Daddy comes
to pick you up, there,
34
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:59,701
you'll find that you ain't no smarter
than when he dumped you here.
35
00:01:59,701 --> 00:02:01,501
Look at this here.
36
00:02:01,501 --> 00:02:06,400
"Elvis speaks to relatives
from beyond the grave."
37
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,234
Wow.
38
00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:13,734
"The King of Rock says there
is life after death."
39
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,968
Oh.
40
00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:16,968
Is there?
41
00:02:18,501 --> 00:02:19,667
Well, it must be.
42
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:27,000
Yeah, you do that.
43
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,501
But wait. Before you go up there, Melanie--
44
00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:30,801
Stephanie.
45
00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:32,334
- Whatever. - Whatever.
46
00:02:32,334 --> 00:02:34,367
I just want to say one thing to you.
47
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And I mean this very sinseriously.
48
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You've been with us a couple weeks now,
49
00:02:39,133 --> 00:02:41,567
and it ain't been half bad,
50
00:02:41,567 --> 00:02:44,834
considering I wasn't too crazy
about you when I first met you.
51
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:46,067
But I like ya.
52
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,767
I like you, too. You're cute for your age.
53
00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:51,000
Oh, whoop-de-doo.
54
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[HUMMING] Oh!
55
00:02:53,868 --> 00:02:57,100
I'm home!
56
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,901
I'm home, Archie.
57
00:02:58,901 --> 00:03:00,634
Are you sure?
58
00:03:01,734 --> 00:03:05,267
I got a going-away present for you.
59
00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:06,400
What is it?
60
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,300
It's a manicure set. And it has scissors
61
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and a nail file and clippers
62
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,901
and a cuticle pusher.
63
00:03:13,901 --> 00:03:16,667
And here's some red nail polish.
64
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I'm gonna put some on right now.
65
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,501
Good.
66
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,100
Red nail polish, Edith?
67
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Why didn't you buy her some rouge
68
00:03:26,234 --> 00:03:28,667
and some high heels and a lamp post
69
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,367
to stand there?
70
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Oh!
71
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,968
Mailman! [GIGGLES]
72
00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:39,167
All right, bring it in here.
73
00:03:40,434 --> 00:03:43,534
See if there's anything
for me there, will you?
74
00:03:43,534 --> 00:03:46,701
I'm expecting a free copy
of The American Yachtsman.
75
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,868
Now let's see...
76
00:03:50,868 --> 00:03:53,234
"Budget funerals."
77
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:54,834
We're still alive.
78
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:55,968
[GASPS]
79
00:03:55,968 --> 00:04:01,934
"Do you know you may have won $250,000?"
80
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,067
What I don't know won't hurt me.
81
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:09,200
"Occupant, do not throw this away."
82
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,100
Request denied.
83
00:04:12,434 --> 00:04:13,534
[GASPS]
84
00:04:13,534 --> 00:04:15,400
Here's one for Stephanie.
85
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,434
It's from her father.
86
00:04:17,434 --> 00:04:18,434
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
87
00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:20,834
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
88
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:22,133
What's the matter?
89
00:04:22,133 --> 00:04:25,167
Edith, Edith, think. Think, huh?
90
00:04:25,167 --> 00:04:27,734
Why, if her father's coming
to pick her up tonight,
91
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,467
is he writing her a letter today?
92
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:35,000
Maybe he wants to tell
her that he missed her.
93
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,434
Missed her? That lush?
94
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:40,133
You're gonna miss somebody,
you first gotta be
95
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:42,868
sober enough to remember somebody.
96
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:44,767
- Let me take a look. - Wait a minute!
97
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:46,968
Don't stop me. I know what I'm doing here.
98
00:04:46,968 --> 00:04:48,701
Look at this.
99
00:04:48,701 --> 00:04:50,501
Look at that. He's pretty sneaky.
100
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,167
See? He folded it three or four times
101
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,467
so he knew I couldn't
see what was in there.
102
00:04:54,467 --> 00:04:56,067
Good, you got the steam going
103
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,167
because I'm gonna find out right now--
104
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,534
Archie, you shouldn't read
another person's mail.
105
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,334
A person ain't a person
106
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:05,400
until it reaches the age of 21, Edith.
107
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,167
In the meantime, what I'm doing now
108
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,334
is taking a healthy interest
109
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:09,801
in the kid's future.
110
00:05:09,801 --> 00:05:11,300
Archie, give me that letter.
111
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:12,601
No, no, no, no.
112
00:05:12,601 --> 00:05:15,200
Archie! It ain't right.
113
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,467
What do you mean it ain't right?
114
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The Lord is on my side here.
115
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,968
The Lord never steamed open a letter.
116
00:05:21,968 --> 00:05:23,467
Oh, well...
117
00:05:23,467 --> 00:05:26,234
They didn't have steam back in God's days.
118
00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,434
I got it now.
119
00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:28,934
Archie, give me that letter.
120
00:05:28,934 --> 00:05:30,467
- No, no. - I want it!
121
00:05:30,467 --> 00:05:32,834
- Don't read that. - Sit down, sit down.
122
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:35,968
Down, down, down.
123
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,300
[MUMBLING]
124
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:44,000
What the hell's on this guy's mind--
125
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,367
Uh--uh...
126
00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,367
"My darling daughter Stephanie..."
127
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,534
Oh, that's what her name is, huh?
128
00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:58,601
Oh, holy cow.
129
00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:02,300
Oh, geez.
130
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:05,200
What does it say?
131
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,501
You wanna know now, huh?
132
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,734
Wait till you get a load of this.
133
00:06:09,734 --> 00:06:12,067
[CLEARS THROAT] "I am sorry,
134
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:14,434
but I cannot come to pick you up."
135
00:06:14,434 --> 00:06:16,667
Oh, no!
136
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,934
Oh, yes.
137
00:06:18,934 --> 00:06:21,200
"I'm working on a ship..."
138
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,234
Oh, no!
139
00:06:23,234 --> 00:06:27,234
Oh, yes!
140
00:06:27,234 --> 00:06:30,868
"...which I find to be a good home for me,
141
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:34,467
but not a good enough home for you."
142
00:06:34,467 --> 00:06:36,834
Oh, no.
143
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:39,100
Don't keep saying "Oh, no"
144
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,434
when it's always "Oh, yes"!
145
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,334
- Shh! - Shh.
146
00:06:45,901 --> 00:06:48,868
Now, to continue on here.
147
00:06:48,868 --> 00:06:51,167
"You're in good hands,
148
00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:54,767
"and I know the Bunkers
will take good care of you.
149
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:57,901
"Your Aunt Edith is a very fine woman,
150
00:06:57,901 --> 00:07:00,000
"and with luck, you'll get used
151
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,300
to your Uncle Archie."
152
00:07:04,234 --> 00:07:06,400
The ilk of this guy.
153
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,067
Ilk? What is ilk?
154
00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:13,300
Ilk is your family.
155
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,067
Oh.
156
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,868
"Someday, who knows when,
157
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:20,267
"I'll come back for you.
158
00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:22,300
Your loving father."
159
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,667
Well, he's done it to the kid again.
160
00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:26,701
STEPHANIE: Where is everybody?
161
00:07:26,701 --> 00:07:30,000
Here. Put it back, Archie, put it back!
162
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,334
Here we are!
163
00:07:32,334 --> 00:07:34,334
Aren't my nails pretty?
164
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:36,501
Oh, they're beautiful.
165
00:07:36,501 --> 00:07:38,501
- Hi there, Rosemary. - Stephanie.
166
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:39,868
Whatever.
167
00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:41,067
Uh, the mail came.
168
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:42,167
Archie.
169
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:43,567
Edith. Edith.
170
00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:46,801
The child has got to
read it sooner or later.
171
00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:52,133
You see, a letter come from your daddy.
172
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:59,000
Hey, uh...
173
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,868
Uh, don't you wanna read it?
174
00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:04,534
Hey, I'm dying to know what's in there.
175
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:06,701
Edith, shush.
176
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,000
Here, kiddo.
177
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,300
Here, take it, huh?
178
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,868
Go open it up.
179
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,868
Gee, it opened easy.
180
00:08:31,868 --> 00:08:34,767
Uh, well, the glue is weak.
181
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:37,267
They don't kill horses for that no more.
182
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,868
Stephie--
183
00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:05,501
I'm sure your daddy loves you very much.
184
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:09,567
He says he can't pick me up today.
185
00:09:11,434 --> 00:09:13,634
But he's got a wonderful job
186
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,868
in Fort Lauderdale.
187
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:21,400
And he'll come and pick me up
188
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:25,701
as soon as he finds a pretty little house
189
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:29,501
near a pretty school and a playground
190
00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:32,868
where there's lots of children my age.
191
00:09:34,801 --> 00:09:36,334
He didn't say--
192
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:39,267
Ain't that nice, Archie?
193
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:41,167
Uh, yeah.
194
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:43,467
Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.
195
00:09:43,467 --> 00:09:47,901
Hey, you don't find fathers
like him on trees...
196
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,801
unless they're attached there by a rope.
197
00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:55,167
I better go up and start unpacking...
198
00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:00,934
...if you want me to.
199
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:06,868
Of course! We want you to.
200
00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:16,000
We want you to stay here
as long as you can.
201
00:10:26,267 --> 00:10:29,667
Well, all right there, Miss Information.
202
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:32,734
You don't have to tell me
to write the number down.
203
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:34,067
I know that.
204
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,834
I didn't just row over here from Cuba.
205
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:39,334
Archie, what are you doing?
206
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,701
What am I doing?
207
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:44,334
I'm putting out an All
Points for fleeing Floyd.
208
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:47,167
Listen, if he thinks he's gonna
to get away by jumping on a ship,
209
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:48,767
he's got another think coming.
210
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:51,434
Boy, I'm gonna catch that guy if
I gotta drain the ocean for him.
211
00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:53,100
Who are you calling?
212
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,934
Who am I calling? I'm calling the FBI.
213
00:10:55,934 --> 00:10:57,801
- The FBI? - Yeah.
214
00:10:57,801 --> 00:11:00,901
Oh, I think they're too busy
215
00:11:00,901 --> 00:11:03,200
for a thing like this.
216
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,000
Oh, no, they ain't. No, they ain't.
217
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:10,200
They--they got plenty of time
ever since Nixon abdicated.
218
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,434
But the FBI...
219
00:11:13,434 --> 00:11:15,968
just takes care of crimes.
220
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:17,901
What the hell do you call this?
221
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:20,100
Abandoning a child across state lines.
222
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,400
And between here and Florida,
223
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,367
you got the original 48 states.
224
00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:25,334
But, Archie, I--
225
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:27,834
This here is a federal rap.
226
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,334
When you go out there in the water,
227
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:31,834
and you start crossing them
"longirudes" and "lassitudes,"
228
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:33,934
you're in deep trouble there, baby.
229
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:35,133
Archie, I think--
230
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,467
Shush it. Hello.
231
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:39,367
Yeah, I wanna talk to the boss down there.
232
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,434
Mm. Hold still.
233
00:11:48,434 --> 00:11:49,601
[CHUCKLES]
234
00:11:49,601 --> 00:11:52,200
I'm gonna call you wiggle worm.
235
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,000
I wanna pin the dress, not you.
236
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,100
[DOORBELL RINGS]
237
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,634
Oh, I'll get it.
238
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,334
I'll get it!
239
00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:03,634
I forgot-- Archie ain't here.
240
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:09,400
Hello.
241
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:10,968
Oh, how do you do?
242
00:12:10,968 --> 00:12:13,634
Oh, excuse me, just a minute.
243
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,334
Are you Mrs. Bunker?
244
00:12:16,334 --> 00:12:17,467
Yeah.
245
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:18,667
I'm Laura Grant,
246
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:20,167
Special Services for Children.
247
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:22,467
EDITH: Oh.
248
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:25,834
GRANT: I understand Stephanie
Mills is staying with you.
249
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:27,934
Yeah.
250
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:32,067
Oh. You must've heard from my husband.
251
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,868
The FBI.
252
00:12:33,868 --> 00:12:36,367
EDITH: Oh, yeah.
253
00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:37,567
Well, come on in.
254
00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:39,167
Thank you.
255
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,834
And you must be Stephanie.
256
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:45,234
Stephanie, this is Miss Grant.
257
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:46,734
Why don't you sit down?
258
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:47,734
Thank you.
259
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,734
Oh, be careful of the pins.
260
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:51,868
What a pretty dress.
261
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:54,400
Aunt Edith is fixing it for me.
262
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,000
It's nice to have an aunt
who'll do that for you.
263
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,801
She does lots of things for me.
264
00:12:59,801 --> 00:13:01,634
She bought me a manicure set.
265
00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:04,567
She cooks my favorite foods for me.
266
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:07,300
She puts me to bed and
tells me long stories
267
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,067
until I fall asleep.
268
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:14,400
That's nice.
269
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,467
She's just like my own mother.
270
00:13:16,467 --> 00:13:22,501
Oh, and you're just like
my own little girl.
271
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:25,534
Why don't you go upstairs now
272
00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:27,267
and put on your jeans?
273
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:29,400
And that way, Miss Grant and me
274
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,868
can have a little talk.
275
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:32,868
Okay.
276
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,501
Like Uncle Archie says,
277
00:13:34,501 --> 00:13:36,400
"Little pictures got big eyes."
278
00:13:40,934 --> 00:13:42,501
Mrs. Bunker,
279
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:45,300
the FBI referred this case to me.
280
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,000
Yeah, you see,
281
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,667
my husband wants them to
find Stephanie's father.
282
00:13:51,667 --> 00:13:54,834
Well, Mr. McKenzie from the FBI
283
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,334
thinks he's--
284
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:58,968
well, as he put it, a nut.
285
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:04,334
Oh, no, Stephanie's father ain't no nut.
286
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:08,434
He was referring to your husband.
287
00:14:08,434 --> 00:14:10,267
Oh!
288
00:14:11,634 --> 00:14:14,667
Oh...
289
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:18,934
Oh, Archie would never do nothing nutty--
290
00:14:18,934 --> 00:14:20,701
not on purpose.
291
00:14:20,701 --> 00:14:23,033
Well, what kind of nutty things
292
00:14:23,033 --> 00:14:25,300
not on purpose does he do?
293
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:28,534
Oh, nothing that would hurt nobody.
294
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:34,434
I mean, well, he talks back
to Walter Cronkite on the TV.
295
00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:37,234
And he don't like people
sitting in his chair
296
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:39,000
like you're doing now.
297
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,567
Oh, it's all right, he ain't here.
298
00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:47,200
And he says that he hates the phone company
299
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:52,200
and the gas company and
the electric company.
300
00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:55,133
What does he like?
301
00:14:55,133 --> 00:14:59,033
Oh... he likes beer.
302
00:14:59,033 --> 00:15:02,434
And, um, John Wayne.
303
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:06,267
And World War II, the big one.
304
00:15:06,267 --> 00:15:10,534
And The Alamo. And Richard Nixon.
305
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:13,100
And Sammy Davis, Jr.
306
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,701
He sat in that chair, too.
307
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:22,501
Oh, he's really a wonderful
man, my husband.
308
00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:25,934
And underneath, he's very sweet.
309
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:28,534
Damn that Barney Hefner.
I'm gonna murder him.
310
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,133
Hi, Archie!
311
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:33,033
You know what happened to me just now?
312
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,901
I nearly busted an ankle
313
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:39,534
jumping over two pyramids that
Barney's dog left on our sidewalk.
314
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:46,667
Who the hell is this?
315
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,567
Archie, this is Miss Grant.
316
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:52,734
Uh, my husband, Archie Bunker.
317
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,968
Miss Grant is here on account of Stephanie.
318
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:57,968
Oh! Oh, Stephanie.
319
00:15:57,968 --> 00:15:59,667
Oh, well, please, sit down,
320
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,701
Mrs.--what are you called?
321
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:04,234
- Grant. - Yeah, Grant, huh?
322
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:05,567
FBI?
323
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:08,167
Special Services for Children.
324
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,934
Which is what?
325
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:12,167
Children's welfare.
326
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:16,300
Ed Koch is handing out
welfare to children now?
327
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,434
In a way.
328
00:16:18,434 --> 00:16:22,634
My concern is to find a
proper place for the child.
329
00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:26,167
Oh, well, hey, I wanna do that, too,
330
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:30,100
but I wanna be sure that she goes
331
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:32,200
with her own kind, you know.
332
00:16:33,501 --> 00:16:35,334
Well, what I mean to say,
333
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:36,601
as you know yourself,
334
00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:39,133
there are certain mixtures, see,
335
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,234
they don't, uh, mix.
336
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:45,934
Uh, what kind of mixtures
did you have in mind?
337
00:16:45,934 --> 00:16:50,400
Well, you know, the wrong mixtures,
338
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,100
present company suspected.
339
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:57,367
We got a proper place for her right here.
340
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,200
We love her.
341
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,968
And her father left her here with us,
342
00:17:01,968 --> 00:17:04,300
so we're very glad to take care of her
343
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:05,868
until he gets back.
344
00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:07,701
That's enough, Edith.
345
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:09,834
That's enough for me.
346
00:17:09,834 --> 00:17:11,334
- Oh. - Thank you so much.
347
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:12,400
Thank you.
348
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,501
I'll put that down in my report.
349
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:15,701
Wait a minute, Mrs.--
350
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,501
Edith, would you get out of the way--
351
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,467
out of the way-- out of the way?
352
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:21,000
Missis, I'm sorry.
353
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,801
My wife, she can't do that.
354
00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:24,634
She can't take care of this kid.
355
00:17:24,634 --> 00:17:25,968
Oh, yes, I can.
356
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:27,934
Stifle, stifle, stifle, Edith.
357
00:17:27,934 --> 00:17:29,334
She can't, there.
358
00:17:29,334 --> 00:17:30,968
She's an older woman here,
359
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:34,334
and she just can't do
that whole thing alone.
360
00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:35,801
And I'm a busy guy, you know.
361
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:38,200
I can't be around the child at all.
362
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,501
I was counting on that.
363
00:17:45,868 --> 00:17:48,067
Hey, was that a shot?
364
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,400
Oh, no, she was smiling.
365
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,167
Oh, but, Edith, come on.
366
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:55,501
What the hell are we gonna do?
367
00:17:55,501 --> 00:17:57,801
We can't carry on like this forever.
368
00:17:57,801 --> 00:18:00,334
Oh, Archie,
369
00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:04,934
God has put a little girl in our house.
370
00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:07,467
Don't lay this off on God.
371
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:10,834
It was her boozed-up father that done this.
372
00:18:10,834 --> 00:18:13,934
Archie, Stephie is family.
373
00:18:13,934 --> 00:18:15,567
Oh, come on, family.
374
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,400
Hey, listen, huh?
375
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,300
Your Aunt Luella up in
Utica on a funny farm,
376
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,067
she's family, too.
377
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:23,467
You wanna let her in here
378
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:26,434
so she could eat all the lampshades?
379
00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:31,200
Oh, Archie, Aunt Luella never done that.
380
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,934
She just ate a paper napkin.
381
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:36,400
Oh, Edith...
382
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,834
What are we gonna do with this kid?
383
00:18:38,834 --> 00:18:41,801
We're gonna take care of her,
384
00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:44,300
and we're gonna love her.
385
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:47,000
And she's a good little girl,
386
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,133
so she won't be no trouble.
387
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:52,968
Don't hit me on the sides of my face!
388
00:18:52,968 --> 00:18:55,968
What do you mean she ain't
gonna be no trouble?
389
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,868
All kids are trouble, Edith.
390
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:02,334
And I don't wanna spend my reclining years
391
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:04,734
trying to raise another one, huh?
392
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:06,834
All the money spending there,
393
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:08,467
trying to take care of her,
394
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:11,634
yanking out the tonsils and the adenoods,
395
00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:13,133
and straightening the teeth,
396
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:15,234
and straightening the eyes.
397
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,300
Her eyes?
398
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:22,501
All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.
399
00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:28,567
Archie, where did you ever hear that?
400
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,367
I heard--that's a well-known fact.
401
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:31,567
Look it up.
402
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:32,934
But, Archie,
403
00:19:32,934 --> 00:19:37,200
Stephie's gonna bring love into our lives.
404
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,000
We don't need no more love!
405
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,968
We got enough of that here!
406
00:19:41,968 --> 00:19:43,234
Edith, listen to me.
407
00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:45,901
I'm only thinking of you, darling.
408
00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:49,567
You've been working your
butt off all these years,
409
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,400
cooking for me, cleaning for me,
410
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,167
looking after me there.
411
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:54,501
Though I would've got you a maid,
412
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:56,701
you're not the kind of woman
who would ever want a maid.
413
00:19:56,701 --> 00:20:00,400
- Oh, yeah, I would. - You wouldn't.
414
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,534
Now, listen.
415
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:06,367
You know that I never pull rank on ya.
416
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,868
Don't gimme that.
417
00:20:10,868 --> 00:20:12,434
I don't!
418
00:20:13,868 --> 00:20:15,767
But on this occasion,
419
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:17,901
as the head of this house here--
420
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:19,534
You ain't the head of--
421
00:20:19,534 --> 00:20:20,767
All right, all right, all right.
422
00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:23,734
I'm half the head the house, okay?
423
00:20:23,734 --> 00:20:27,934
So on this occasion, I gotta say this:
424
00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:31,067
We must find another home for that child.
425
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:38,667
And you go and tell her.
426
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,000
Oh, no.
427
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,467
Oh, yes.
428
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:48,434
- No. - Yes.
429
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,868
- You tell her. - You tell her.
430
00:20:50,868 --> 00:20:53,133
BOTH: You tell her. You tell her.
431
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:54,934
BOTH: You tell her!
432
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:57,868
- Stephanie! - Tell her!
433
00:20:57,868 --> 00:21:02,000
Your Uncle Archie wants
to tell you something.
434
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,767
No, I don't.
435
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:04,968
STEPHANIE: Tell me what?
436
00:21:04,968 --> 00:21:06,701
Come here, Stephie.
437
00:21:06,701 --> 00:21:10,167
Now, here she is.
438
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,133
Edith, I don't--
439
00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:14,934
Now... tell her.
440
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:24,267
All right, I'm gonna tell ya.
441
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,534
I'm gonna tell ya straight-out.
442
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:28,701
Your Aunt Edith and me,
443
00:21:28,701 --> 00:21:30,801
we've been alone for a while here, see,
444
00:21:30,801 --> 00:21:34,567
and we enjoy ourselves
'cause we're, like, free.
445
00:21:34,567 --> 00:21:36,868
We can do a lot of things
we couldn't do before.
446
00:21:36,868 --> 00:21:40,467
And maybe we wanna take a
trip or something like that.
447
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,801
I was thinking we buy a car, you know?
448
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:45,133
I know what you're thinking.
449
00:21:45,133 --> 00:21:47,033
We can throw her in the back of the car,
450
00:21:47,033 --> 00:21:49,267
but she'd never like it
in the back of the car.
451
00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:52,100
No, you wouldn't, you would not.
452
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:54,801
And another thing-- you're old
enough to hear this, see.
453
00:21:54,801 --> 00:21:58,133
It costs a lot of money to raise a kid.
454
00:21:58,133 --> 00:22:01,367
I know what you're thinking. I'm making
more nowadays than I ever made before.
455
00:22:01,367 --> 00:22:03,834
But everything is costing me more, too.
456
00:22:03,834 --> 00:22:07,634
Now, no more interruptions,
Edith, please, huh?
457
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:12,300
Let me see your teeth. Do this here.
458
00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:14,734
Let me see there.
459
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:17,234
Did you ever have them sharpened?
460
00:22:19,133 --> 00:22:21,100
Well, they ain't bad.
461
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:25,133
At least they're all pointing
in the same direction.
462
00:22:25,133 --> 00:22:26,701
Do this for me here.
463
00:22:26,701 --> 00:22:30,334
Follow my fingers here. Look at them.
464
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:37,501
See what happened there, huh?
465
00:22:37,501 --> 00:22:39,734
I know what you're gonna say.
466
00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:41,667
They snapped back into place fast
467
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:43,100
but that's 'cause she's young.
468
00:22:45,901 --> 00:22:49,067
But the main thing is this, kiddo,
469
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:53,067
is that your Aunt Edith there, she's, uh...
470
00:22:53,067 --> 00:22:57,400
she's too old to be trying to
raise a little thing like you.
471
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:58,901
Look at her.
472
00:23:05,234 --> 00:23:09,667
Well, I don't care what ya say.
473
00:23:09,667 --> 00:23:11,567
I'm gonna tell her the truth.
474
00:23:11,567 --> 00:23:13,868
And the truth is this here...
475
00:23:15,767 --> 00:23:17,968
The truth is...
476
00:23:19,934 --> 00:23:22,701
That this whole situation here, see--
477
00:23:22,701 --> 00:23:26,367
[SIGHS]
478
00:23:26,367 --> 00:23:28,033
Oh, geez.
479
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:35,567
This whole situation here is really...
480
00:23:38,267 --> 00:23:40,501
It's up to your Aunt Edith.
481
00:23:44,067 --> 00:23:45,868
All right, all right, all right!
482
00:23:45,868 --> 00:23:47,701
Don't slobber me
483
00:23:47,701 --> 00:23:49,133
in the middle of the living room!
484
00:23:49,133 --> 00:23:51,467
Get me a beer, beer, beer!
485
00:23:51,467 --> 00:23:54,634
One beer coming right up!
486
00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:58,200
One beer coming right up!
487
00:24:20,367 --> 00:24:21,934
[
]
488
00:24:39,334 --> 00:24:41,767
All in the Family was
played to a studio audience
489
00:24:41,767 --> 00:24:44,000
for live responses.
490
00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:48,600
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