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1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,428
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,031
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,567
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:40,905
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:46,778
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:54,686
[HUMMING]
13
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:59,057
Oh, Mike!
There you are.
14
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,425
Thanks, Ma.
But what was that for?
15
00:01:01,427 --> 00:01:04,696
It's Henry Mancini's
birthday.
16
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,067
Uh, Ma--
17
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:12,303
What--? What was that
about Henry Mancini?
18
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:15,040
Well, he wrote the song
"Moon River."
19
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:18,209
♪ Moon River-- ♪
Yeah. I know.
20
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:20,444
♪ Wider than a mile-- ♪
Ma, I know the song.
21
00:01:20,446 --> 00:01:23,148
I know the song. What was that
about his birthday, though?
22
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:27,786
Well, 12 years ago,
when that song first came out,
23
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:30,221
it was summer,
and very hot,
24
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:33,224
and Archie came home
one day and he said,
25
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:36,695
"Edith, I'm taking you
on the town tonight.
26
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,430
"We're going to
the Radio City Music Hall
27
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:43,068
"and then to Schraft's
for a banana split.
28
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,804
We're shootin'
the works."
29
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,205
Ma, wait!
30
00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:49,007
Ma, wait a second.
Let me get this straight.
31
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:51,409
12 years ago, you went
to Radio City Music Hall
32
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:52,811
and then you had
a banana split.
33
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:53,978
What does that
have to--?
34
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:57,148
Archie was in such
a good mood that night.
35
00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:59,918
And the stage show
at the Music Hall!
36
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:04,756
The Rockettes were all dressed
up like poor little street kids,
37
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,625
except they had
high heels.
38
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:08,626
You take that.
39
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,795
Yeah.
Uh, Ma-- Ma!
40
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,197
Wait a second.
41
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,599
I'm still waiting
for Henry Mancini.
42
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,802
Well, that was the picture
at the Music Hall,
43
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,204
Breakfast at Tiffany's,
44
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:22,240
and the song in the picture
was "Moon River."
45
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:23,241
Oh.
46
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:25,509
BOTH:
By Henry Mancini.
47
00:02:25,511 --> 00:02:29,714
And then, when Archie
and me got home,
48
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:33,118
Gloria's radio
was playing "Moon River."
49
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,721
And we heard it as we was
walking up the stairs
50
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:39,423
and we started
humming it together,
51
00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:42,460
and Archie kissed me.
52
00:02:43,528 --> 00:02:44,729
Oh!
53
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,364
[GIGGLES]
54
00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:48,967
Excuse me.
55
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:53,271
That was the best part of one of
the best days in my whole life.
56
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,973
And all because of
Henry Mancini.
57
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,040
Yeah.
58
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:58,777
And the whole night
came back to me
59
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,212
when I was reading
in Ed Sullivan's column
60
00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:05,150
that today is
Henry Mancini's birthday.
61
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,284
Oh, yes.
62
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:09,287
Oh, I just love
my family.
63
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,256
[LAUGHS]
64
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:12,857
We love you
too, Ma.
65
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:15,860
Oh, I just can't wait
for everybody to get home.
66
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:18,296
I hope Archie's
in a good mood.
67
00:03:23,502 --> 00:03:25,904
Do you have to
slam the door like that?
68
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,673
Gee, I hate that!
I really hate that!
69
00:03:35,747 --> 00:03:38,349
Listen, Meathead,
70
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:40,651
when I come home
after a hard day's work,
71
00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:44,255
that means I've been
working hard all day.
72
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,590
Why?
So I can make money.
73
00:03:46,592 --> 00:03:49,760
To buy things,
like a house.
74
00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:52,463
And on that house is a door,
which I also bought.
75
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:53,731
Why?
76
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:56,100
So as when I come home
after a hard day's work,
77
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:59,670
I got something
to slam after me.
78
00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:04,008
Hello, Archie.
How was your day?
79
00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:10,748
Does that answer
your question?
80
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,183
Oh, yeah.
I guess so.
81
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:15,720
Would it make you feel
any better if I told you
82
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:19,190
that today
is Henry Mancini's birthday?
83
00:04:29,134 --> 00:04:32,303
Now could we have dinner
on the table?
84
00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:33,537
Yeah. Right away.
85
00:04:33,539 --> 00:04:34,638
Gotta warn you, Arch.
86
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,040
It's not good
to hide your feelings.
87
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,109
If something's bothering you,
you gotta let it out.
88
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:42,046
I'd like to let you out
an upstairs window.
89
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:43,147
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
90
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:44,916
Go answer the door.
Yeah, I'll get it.
91
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:47,618
I'm coming.
Coming.
92
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,087
Michael,
look what I have.
93
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,488
Hey, that's
The Kiss.
94
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,290
Yeah! Don't you just--?
Isn't it great?
95
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,424
Michael, please move
the elephant.
96
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,492
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
97
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:55,793
Where'd that
come from?
98
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,195
Oh, look!
Rodin's The Kiss.
99
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,364
Don't you just love it?
Yeah, it's beautiful.
100
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,366
Where did you get it?
Don't you really love it?
101
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:02,500
I love it. But where--?
102
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,502
Michael, why aren't you
as excited as I am?
103
00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:07,138
I'm excited. I'm excited!
Look! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
104
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,273
See? That's happy.
105
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,108
I just want to know
where it came from.
106
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:13,211
Oh, Irene Lorenzo
gave it to me. It's ours!
107
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,445
Just like that?
108
00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:16,347
You know how I always
flipped over the statue?
109
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:17,382
Yeah.
110
00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:18,983
Well, I was over there
admiring it again
111
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,451
and Irene Lorenzo said,
112
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:23,054
"Gee, Gloria, if you admire it
that much, take it. It's yours."
113
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,389
Isn't it fabulous?
Sensational.
114
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:27,425
Next time,
admire their stereo set.
115
00:05:28,794 --> 00:05:30,761
Hi, Gloria!
116
00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:31,963
Oh, hi, Ma.
117
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,665
I'm so happy
to see you.
118
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,367
Ma, look what
I got.
119
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,636
Oh, my!
120
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:42,606
Ain't that the same statue
as the Lorenzos have?
121
00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:45,443
Yeah, Ma,
and Irene gave it to me.
122
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:46,644
You like it?
123
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,948
Oh, yeah.
124
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:53,818
You don't see people
kissing on statues much.
125
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:58,256
I guess that's because they're
always sitting on horses.
126
00:05:59,325 --> 00:06:01,125
And speaking of kissing...
127
00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:04,362
Oh. Gee, Ma,
you're sure happy today.
128
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:09,100
That's because I love you and I
love Mike and I love your father
129
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:12,203
and it's Henry Mancini's
birthday.
130
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,638
Huh?
131
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,842
You tell her about it, Mike.
I gotta get the salad.
132
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:19,410
Oh, okay.
Tell me.
133
00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:21,512
Never mind.
It's a long story.
134
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:23,481
Just get on the couch.
What?
135
00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:25,616
Just do what I tell you.
Get on the couch.
136
00:06:25,618 --> 00:06:27,551
Okay.
137
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:30,488
Put your leg
over here.
138
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,490
Oh, I get it.
139
00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:35,626
Take your left arm, put it
around my neck here, like that.
140
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,328
Yeah. That's it.
All right.
141
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,463
You ready?
Yeah.
142
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:40,965
Go.
Mmm!
143
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,734
Wait a second. There's something
missing. Something's not right.
144
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:44,902
Ah! I got it.
145
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,570
They're naked. We gotta
take our clothes off.
146
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:47,938
Michael!
147
00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:49,440
Give me a kiss.
148
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:50,708
Mmm!
149
00:06:57,749 --> 00:06:59,817
After three years
of marriage,
150
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:04,022
he's still after her
like a hamburger.
151
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,723
Hi, Daddy.
152
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,358
Wait. Wait.
153
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,994
Never mind
the "Hi, Daddy."
154
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:12,830
What is this
piece of filth here
155
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:14,332
doing on my coffee table?
156
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,699
Filth?
157
00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:17,735
Arch, that's
a great reproduction.
158
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:21,439
I don't want no reproducting
on my coffee table.
159
00:07:23,675 --> 00:07:27,145
What is wrong with
this statue?
160
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,147
It's naked
and I hate it.
161
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,015
I have never seen anybody
162
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:33,751
get so uptight
about the naked body.
163
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:35,019
Listen, little girl,
164
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,088
there's a time and a place
for naked, you know?
165
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:38,389
But this thing here,
166
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,125
that can only be
a fountain in a men's room.
167
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,694
Oh, Daddy,
how can you say that
168
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:47,031
about a statue
that expresses pure love?
169
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:50,834
What's pure about two
little naked people on a rock?
170
00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:52,970
You're always
quoting the Bible.
171
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,672
What about Adam and Eve?
They were naked.
172
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:56,074
They probably sat on
lots of rocks.
173
00:07:56,076 --> 00:08:00,678
Don't talk like
an ignorosis, will you?
174
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,113
Let me tell you
something.
175
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,715
Back in the days
when God started making people,
176
00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:07,818
he didn't know how naked
was gonna look on them.
177
00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:12,690
And when he found out, he didn't
like what he seen there,
178
00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:14,758
and he told people
to put clothes on them
179
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,860
and never to take them off
again in public.
180
00:08:16,862 --> 00:08:17,861
Idiot!
181
00:08:17,863 --> 00:08:19,863
You know something,
Arch?
182
00:08:19,865 --> 00:08:23,601
I wish that you had a zipper
in the back of your head
183
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:26,537
that I could open up,
put my hands in there
184
00:08:26,539 --> 00:08:29,173
and massage some sense
into your brains.
185
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,541
Get away
from me.
186
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,110
Who are you to judge
what's dirty?
187
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,978
Even the Supreme Court
copped out on that.
188
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,379
They left the interpretation
of what's obscene
189
00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:36,814
to local standards.
190
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:38,216
And they were right.
191
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:42,286
And this is my house
and I'm the local standard.
192
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:44,288
I want that thing
the hell outta here.
193
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:46,290
Where'd you get it anyway?
In some porno shop?
194
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:48,559
No, it is not from
a porno shop.
195
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:51,162
It is a gift to me
from Irene Lorenzo
196
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:53,331
and I am not
giving it back.
197
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,699
Oh, Irene Lorenzo,
198
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:59,837
the queen of the women's
lubrication movement.
199
00:09:03,775 --> 00:09:05,909
What's she trying to do,
wharf your mind,
200
00:09:05,911 --> 00:09:07,545
bringing in garbage
like that?
201
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,747
I am not standing around
202
00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:13,083
to hear a tasteless person,
even if he is my father,
203
00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:14,818
insult a great work
of art!
204
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,787
I told you
I want it outta here.
205
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,023
Dinner in
two minutes!
206
00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:20,090
I'm gonna
wash up.
207
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:21,692
I'll help you, Ma.
Outta here!
208
00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:23,861
I want that statue
to stay right where it is.
209
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,263
Out.
Do you hear me?
210
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,498
I repeat, I want it
to stay right where it is.
211
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,899
This is my house too, you know,
212
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:31,001
and that means that I have
some rights around here.
213
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:33,937
You do know that, don't you?
I have rights. I do!
214
00:09:33,939 --> 00:09:38,042
For talking to your father like
that, you may leave this room.
215
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:40,978
[DOORBELL RINGS]
216
00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:44,549
That wife of yours
has a mouth on her
217
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:45,949
bigger than
her whole body.
218
00:09:45,951 --> 00:09:48,653
I wonder where
she inherited it.
219
00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:52,890
Do me a favor, will you,
and shut up.
220
00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:55,693
I haven't said
a word yet.
221
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,094
Well, look
who's here.
222
00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,431
Frank Lorenzo,
the prince of pepperoni.
223
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,032
I'm sorry, Arch.
I can't stay long.
224
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:04,034
I just brought this recipe
for Edith.
225
00:10:04,036 --> 00:10:05,603
Yeah, well,
she's in the kitchen.
226
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:09,106
Oh-ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What have we got here?
227
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,474
The Kiss.
228
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:13,143
We've got a reproduction
just like that at our house.
229
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,313
No, you got one
just like that in our house.
230
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,847
What?
231
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:20,218
Your wife Irene gave that statue
to my daughter Gloria.
232
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,520
My wife Irene gave that statue--
Gave that statue--
233
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,222
To your daughter Gloria?
To my daughter Gloria.
234
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,256
Without asking me?
235
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,625
She just--
236
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,627
You mean Irene didn't ask you?
No.
237
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,662
That's my favorite
statue.
238
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:35,132
That's my Kiss. My Kiss.
I want my Kiss.
239
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,868
Oh. Oh, Frank,
you're gonna get your Kiss.
240
00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:40,638
I think Irene only loaned
that statue to Gloria.
241
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,673
In fact, I think I heard
mention made of that.
242
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,174
Here. Why don't you
take it?
243
00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:47,245
If it's a loan, keep it a while
longer if you really like it.
244
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,947
I really like it better
at your house.
245
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:50,948
Okay.
246
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:52,483
Give this recipe
to Edith.
247
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,151
Yeah, sure.
I'll give it to her.
248
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,319
Yeah.
249
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,256
You know, Arch,
you really surprise me.
250
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,458
I didn't think you'd go in
for this kind of stuff.
251
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,659
Oh, sure.
252
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,527
I'm a statue fan
from way back.
253
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:07,298
I couldn't love statues more
if I was a pigeon.
254
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,434
I'll see you, Arch.
Yeah, Frank. Yeah.
255
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,035
ARCHIE: And give our thanks
to Irene
256
00:11:12,037 --> 00:11:14,004
for loaning us
that statue, huh?
257
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,005
FRANK:
Okay, Archie.
258
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:17,441
Yeah. Arrivederci.
259
00:11:21,446 --> 00:11:22,680
Oh, hi.
260
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,549
Uh, that was Frank Lorenzo
just come and left.
261
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:27,151
I could see that.
262
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:29,820
And you gave him my statue
too, didn't you?
263
00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:32,189
Well, the man came in here
264
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,958
and he said that, uh,
the statue was only a loan
265
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,428
and he wanted it back,
so he took it away.
266
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,196
That's a lie.
267
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,565
Oh-ho, well,
I don't have to stand here
268
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,967
and listen to
talk like that.
269
00:11:43,969 --> 00:11:47,004
Oh, yes, you do. I love
that statue and so does Michael!
270
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,739
It was our first
real piece of art.
271
00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:51,175
What's going on
in here?
272
00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,177
What's going on in here
is your daughter standing here
273
00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:54,912
calling her father a liar.
274
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:58,616
Gloria, you shouldn't talk
to your father that way.
275
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,419
Yes, I should.
He took something that I love.
276
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:05,756
Well, that ain't lying.
That's stealing.
277
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:08,292
Will you
stifle?
278
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,093
Don't help me
explain nothing, huh?
279
00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:11,895
I got something to say to you,
little girl,
280
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,297
so you listen to me.
281
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,165
No, you listen to me.
No, I will not.
282
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,801
I am never gonna
listen to you again
283
00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,569
and you're never gonna
have the opportunity
284
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,037
to listen to me again either
285
00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:23,273
because I am never going to
speak to you again, never, ever!
286
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,576
Glo-- Gloria!
Archie!
287
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:31,716
Please don't fight!
Not on Henry Mancini's birthday!
288
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:34,885
I'm sorry, Ma,
but I am not talking to him
289
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:37,321
and I may never
talk to him again.
290
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,656
What?
Oh, Gloria!
291
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,858
No, don't go up
to your room!
292
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:43,494
Gloria!
293
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,895
What's wrong?
294
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:47,798
What's wrong is
your wife, my daughter,
295
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,533
was standing here,
calling me a liar.
296
00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,134
And your mother-in-law,
my wife,
297
00:12:51,136 --> 00:12:52,970
was standing here,
letting her get away with it.
298
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:55,506
And now, there they are, up
the stairs with the two of them.
299
00:12:57,108 --> 00:12:59,810
Does this mean
we don't eat?
300
00:13:11,122 --> 00:13:12,823
Gloria, pass me over
the ketchup.
301
00:13:16,428 --> 00:13:19,096
I says, Gloria,
pass me over the ketchup.
302
00:13:21,132 --> 00:13:23,967
Get your hands off
the ketchup, Edith.
303
00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:28,773
I'll ask you
one more time, Gloria.
304
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,107
Pass me over
the ketchup.
305
00:13:31,576 --> 00:13:32,576
All right, Edith,
306
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:35,479
you may pass me over
the ketchup.
307
00:13:38,983 --> 00:13:40,718
I wanna tell you something,
little girl.
308
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,921
You ain't hurting me with this
here silent treatment, you know?
309
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:47,825
Of course, you're putting
your mother in misery.
310
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,359
Look at the face
on her.
311
00:13:57,168 --> 00:14:00,170
Can't you show a little respect
for your mother, huh?
312
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,773
Be a little nice
to your mother?
313
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:07,144
Edith, what is this crapola
you're giving me?
314
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,879
It's a French dish,
Archie.
315
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:11,482
It's called
potatoes au gratin.
316
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,083
I don't care
what you call it.
317
00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:15,786
Do you realize you spilled
cheese in the potatoes?
318
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:19,457
Oh, no. The cheese
is supposed to be there.
319
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,291
The recipe
called for it.
320
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:23,427
Are you telling me
that somebody wrote in a book
321
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:26,196
that you're supposed to
put cheese in my potatoes?
322
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:27,598
There you go again.
323
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,166
Anything that
you haven't seen before,
324
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:30,801
anything that's a little bit
different, you're against.
325
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,002
Before you were against
French art,
326
00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,637
now you're against
French cooking.
327
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,606
Let me tell you this.
328
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:38,108
Pbbbbt to the French.
329
00:14:39,544 --> 00:14:40,945
I'll tell you
something else
330
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,346
about the French there,
wise guy.
331
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:44,949
You know why they lost
World War II?
332
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:49,319
Because when the Krauts
was marching into their country,
333
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:52,623
the French was running around
naked, putting up dirty statues
334
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,593
and throwing cheese
in their potatoes.
335
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:07,371
But, Archie, how did the Germans
know they was French
336
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:10,708
if they didn't have
no clothes on?
337
00:15:16,381 --> 00:15:18,616
They knew
they was French, Edith,
338
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:21,151
because they had cheese
all over them.
339
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:26,256
Hi.
340
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:27,658
What do you mean, "hi"?
341
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,627
Where you been?
It's 6:18.
342
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:32,295
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Were you worried?
343
00:15:32,297 --> 00:15:33,697
You bet
I was worried.
344
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:38,035
My cheese soufflé has to
come out of the oven at 6:21.
345
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:39,870
Well, I mentioned that
to the bus driver,
346
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,305
but he didn't seem
very impressed.
347
00:15:42,307 --> 00:15:43,807
Ha, ha, ha!
348
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:45,242
Very funny.
349
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,810
What's in the box?
350
00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:48,311
It's a present for Gloria.
351
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:49,880
From both of us.
352
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,016
You gave Gloria
another present?
353
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:53,751
There you go.
You're doing it again.
354
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,786
How can you give Gloria
a gift from us
355
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,354
without asking me?
356
00:15:57,356 --> 00:15:59,189
Me is half of us.
357
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,792
I didn't think
you'd mind.
358
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:02,893
I mind!
359
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:05,362
Well, it's just kind of
a peace offering.
360
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:07,932
Well, it's not my fault that
that house is in uproar.
361
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:09,466
My favorite
piece of sculpture,
362
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,635
and you give it to Gloria
without asking me.
363
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,037
You never ask me anything.
364
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:14,572
Come on, Frank!
365
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,473
What's
the big deal?
366
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,108
I know you.
367
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:21,045
If you'd seen Gloria's face
when she looked at that statue,
368
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,546
you'd have given it
to her yourself.
369
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,948
Naturally, if I'd
have seen her face.
370
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,348
But I didn't
see her face.
371
00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:27,618
You didn't ask me
to see her face.
372
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,019
But that's not
the point.
373
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,254
The point is that you never
ask me about anything.
374
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:33,557
You give my statue to Gloria
without asking me,
375
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,593
you give her a gift
without asking me,
376
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,562
you plan a trip for us
to Cleveland without asking me.
377
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,464
Well, don't you want to
go see your sons?
378
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,900
Of course I do.
Okay. When?
379
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,167
That's up to you.
380
00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:49,139
Up to me?
381
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,208
You really are something,
you know that?
382
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:54,311
How am I supposed to know
what things I should ask
383
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:55,946
and what things
I shouldn't ask?
384
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,782
Just ask me.
385
00:17:00,284 --> 00:17:01,785
You're crazy, Frank.
You know that?
386
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:05,155
How does anyone talk to
a raving Italian?
387
00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:08,191
"Raving Italian." There it is.
It all comes out in the open.
388
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:09,760
After all these years.
What?
389
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,562
Oh, they told me. They told me
before we got married.
390
00:17:12,564 --> 00:17:14,564
They said, "You marry
somebody who's Irish,
391
00:17:14,566 --> 00:17:16,433
"and someday you'll get into
an argument with her
392
00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,737
and she's gonna say,
'Aha! Wop!'"
393
00:17:21,539 --> 00:17:24,141
I didn't say
"Wop"!
394
00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:25,809
I didn't even say
"Aha!"
395
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:27,811
But you were thinking
"Aha!"
396
00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:29,312
And when you're
thinking "Aha!"
397
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:31,281
can "Wop" be
far behind?
398
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:38,789
Gloria out there
in the living room?
399
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,891
No. She's
upstairs.
400
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:45,663
Good. Now get over here, because
I got something to show you.
401
00:17:46,831 --> 00:17:48,666
Got a little present here
for Gloria.
402
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,601
Oh! You bought something
for Gloria?
403
00:17:51,603 --> 00:17:54,071
Yeah, you know, kind of
make it up to her, huh?
404
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,907
And because she's so crazy
about statues,
405
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,677
I got this one here.
406
00:18:03,815 --> 00:18:05,215
This is something
407
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:08,251
that she can love
and we can all enjoy.
408
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,687
See?
Oh, yeah.
409
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:12,322
That sure is
something.
410
00:18:13,391 --> 00:18:14,491
Ain't that nice?
411
00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:16,093
Now, look, up here
there's a hole, see,
412
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,929
where you can put
an artificial flower.
413
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,732
And then here
you got a fish.
414
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,600
Look at the detail work
on that. See?
415
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:27,104
You can tell right away that
that there is a carp. See?
416
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,272
And up here,
with the birds,
417
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:31,875
if you close your eyes, you can
almost hear them singing there
418
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:34,712
while the colored lady
plays the ukulele.
419
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:44,654
Now, for a person
with a dirty mind, you know,
420
00:18:44,656 --> 00:18:47,057
you look up around here
where the beads are.
421
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:50,227
But on this statue,
this has got a clock, see?
422
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:54,098
So that takes the person's
mind off these here.
423
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:58,035
Puts it down here
where it belongs, see?
424
00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,704
On the time,
which you need.
425
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:02,172
Now, that's taste.
426
00:19:02,174 --> 00:19:06,243
Archie, that's
so sweet of you.
427
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:08,678
Yeah.
I know it.
428
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,480
Let's take it into
the living room, huh?
429
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,150
All right.
Where you gonna put it?
430
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,653
Oh, we'll find
someplace for it in here.
431
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:19,089
[LAUGHING]
432
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,395
What is that?
433
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,998
Don't show your ignorance.
What do you think it is?
434
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,067
I don't know,
but you better get it lanced
435
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:32,202
before it
starts festering.
436
00:19:33,938 --> 00:19:36,439
You are
a low-quality guy.
437
00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:39,209
Can't you tell
that's a work of art?
438
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:41,078
I bought that
in that fancy place, Carlson's,
439
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,479
over on
the Boulevard there.
440
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:43,881
That's one of a kind.
441
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,682
That's one of a kind?
442
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,350
They had a bunch
of them in blue.
443
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:50,587
This was
the only one in yellow.
444
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:53,824
Mike, don't you think
it's nice of Archie
445
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,926
to buy it
for Gloria?
446
00:19:57,228 --> 00:19:59,529
You bought this
for Gloria?
447
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,864
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That's right, buddy.
448
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:04,534
For my daughter. I can
hardly wait for her to see it.
449
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,603
I think
you can wait, Arch.
450
00:20:08,039 --> 00:20:10,908
Gloria?
The Lorenzos are here.
451
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,676
They wanna see you.
452
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:15,145
Hey. Hey, I'm glad
youse people are here.
453
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,746
I got something
to show you.
454
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:19,216
Now. There.
Feast your eyes on that.
455
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,185
ARCHIE: Now, that's
a work of art.
456
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:24,587
Now, tell
the truth.
457
00:20:24,589 --> 00:20:25,923
Now, ain't that
a lot nicer
458
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,591
than that plaster from Paris
thing you got, huh?
459
00:20:28,593 --> 00:20:31,862
With the two nudies
groping each other?
460
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:36,934
Archie bought it for Gloria
to cheer her up.
461
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,368
Well, that should
do the job.
462
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:41,171
It certainly put
a smile on my face.
463
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:44,674
It put a smile
on my face too.
464
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,211
Well, why don't you
sit down.
465
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,412
Gloria will be here
in a minute.
466
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:54,952
You see, this is Archie's way
of saying "I'm sorry" to Gloria.
467
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,920
Oh, we feel
it was all our fault.
468
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,055
Yeah.
469
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,789
So we brought Gloria
a little something too.
470
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:02,592
Irene, Gloria ain't mad at you.
471
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:03,593
[FOOTSTEPS]
Oh!
472
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,128
Hi, Gloria.
473
00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:07,331
Hiya, Gloria. I've been waiting
here for you because I've got--
474
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,698
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Lorenzo.
475
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:09,699
Hi, dear.
476
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:11,568
Gloria, look.
477
00:21:14,739 --> 00:21:15,739
What is that?
478
00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:17,841
It's a statue.
479
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,642
A statue of what?
480
00:21:19,644 --> 00:21:23,480
A lady playing
a ukulele.
481
00:21:23,482 --> 00:21:26,283
Why does she have
a fish on her head?
482
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,151
That's a carp.
483
00:21:28,153 --> 00:21:29,786
And this here
is a clock
484
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:34,091
to take your mind off
other things.
485
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:35,625
Gloria, before
you say any more,
486
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,627
I think your father
has something to say to you.
487
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:39,629
No, no, Meathead,
I got nothing to say.
488
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,398
Come on, Archie.
Don't be shy.
489
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,799
Lay off,
will you, Irene.
490
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:44,868
Gloria, your father
has a little gift for you.
491
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:46,770
Irene, will you
lay off, huh?
492
00:21:46,772 --> 00:21:48,838
Give her the gift, Archie.
Huh?
493
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,540
Give her the present
you bought.
494
00:21:53,077 --> 00:21:54,912
Oh, yeah.
495
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:57,881
Um, it's a...
496
00:21:57,883 --> 00:21:59,682
A present
for you, Gloria.
497
00:21:59,684 --> 00:22:01,318
Thank you.
498
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,020
Yeah, it's a--
499
00:22:03,022 --> 00:22:05,989
Well, open it up
and let's see what it is.
500
00:22:08,659 --> 00:22:12,862
Oh, Daddy,
it's beautiful!
501
00:22:20,671 --> 00:22:24,707
Daddy...you got
this for me?
502
00:22:24,709 --> 00:22:28,478
It's sheer. I mean,
you can see right through it.
503
00:22:30,048 --> 00:22:31,915
Yeah, well, I guess
it should have been
504
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,951
a thicker color, you know?
505
00:22:33,953 --> 00:22:39,156
Daddy...you didn't buy
this nightgown for me.
506
00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:42,426
You bought that statue for me,
didn't you?
507
00:22:45,496 --> 00:22:47,764
Yeah, because, uh,
508
00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:51,168
I think a girl ought to be
talking to her father.
509
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:54,004
Daddy, I can't tell you
how much that means to me
510
00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:56,806
that you would buy
that statue for me.
511
00:22:56,808 --> 00:22:58,008
Yeah, you like it?
512
00:22:58,010 --> 00:23:00,377
No, I hate it.
513
00:23:01,846 --> 00:23:04,881
But I love you,
Daddy.
514
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,749
Thanks for the nightgown,
Mrs. Lorenzo.
515
00:23:06,751 --> 00:23:08,852
I'm gonna go upstairs
and try it on now.
516
00:23:08,854 --> 00:23:10,520
I think
I'll give her a hand.
517
00:23:10,522 --> 00:23:12,755
Get outta here!
518
00:23:15,593 --> 00:23:17,194
And then I'll give her
the other hand.
519
00:23:17,196 --> 00:23:19,296
Get outta here!
520
00:23:25,303 --> 00:23:27,471
Can you imagine
a guy talking that way
521
00:23:27,473 --> 00:23:28,872
in front of
the neighbors here?
522
00:23:28,874 --> 00:23:31,008
Now, that is bad taste.
523
00:23:39,550 --> 00:23:42,752
Hey, Edith, here's an item
that might interest you.
524
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:45,755
It's Ed Sullivan apologizing
in his column
525
00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:49,159
for getting Henry Mancini's
birthday wrong.
526
00:23:49,161 --> 00:23:52,396
Mancini's birthday's April 16.
It wasn't the other day at all.
527
00:23:52,398 --> 00:23:56,866
I hope somebody
tells Henry Mancini.
528
00:24:12,616 --> 00:24:16,019
[♪]
529
00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:20,357
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
530
00:24:20,407 --> 00:24:24,957
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