All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In With Joe Bob Briggs S19E01 Phantom of the Mall Erics Revenge 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[und]

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

[Bell tolls]

♪♪

-Thank you very much.

Tonight, for our annual
Valentine's Day special,

which we called Joe Bob's
Vicious Vegas Valentine,

"The Last Drive-In"
comes to you from downtown

Las Vegas, Nevada,
the wedding capital of the world

and the gambling capital
of the world.

Coincidence?
I think not.

Love is in the air here
at the Fremont

Wedding Chapel
on historic Fremont Street,

where it all started
93 years ago

when Nevada Governor
Fred Balzar

legalized gambling,
number one,

and then made Vegas the easiest
and quickest place

in the United States
to get married.

He got rid of the blood test

and he got rid
of the waiting period.

And he basically said,

"You want to get married?
Come here.

We don't care whether
you have syphilis or not,"

because, you know, that's why
they did the blood test.

So love is in the air
on Fremont Street

and lust is in the air
on Las Vegas Boulevard,

better known as The Strip,
a few blocks south of here,

where on land goes
for $300 million an acre,

hotels cost $9 billion to build,

and professional showgirls
make $39,000 a year on average.

Which reminds me,
Darcy the Mail Girl,

who knows, um, Vegas very well.

She, um, used to dance here
professionally.

So she is with us tonight
for Joe Bob's Vicious Vegas

Valentine's Show.

And she'll be answering
your tweets and your emails

and your instants
and your TikToks and your reels

and your goddamn
Valentines today.

Darcy, How many valentines have
you received so far this year?

-I mean, too many to count.

-Yeah, well --
-How many have you gotten?

-Zero.
-Aww.

-I always received zero,
so don't rub it in.

-I'll send you a valentine.

Nope. I don't want
a pity valentine.

You know, I'll just get drunk
and watch love story porn

on the Hallmark Channel
as usual.

-That's a little extreme.

-She wasn't looking for love,

but on that weekend trip
to the lodge in Vermont,

she met Colin,
and their eyes met

when she helped him
tie his plaid snow scarf.

You know, why they're always
wearing those funky scarves

in Hallmark movies, you know?

How can you resist my
fashionable Cashmere neckwear?

-You love those moves.

-Well, they rope you in
because they have those scenes

where you go,
"I can't believe she said that

and nobody puked," you know?
[Laughter]

-I know exactly what you mean.

-Yeah, well, at least
somebody knows what I mean.

So, Darcy,
you were a Vegas showgirl.

-I mean, I danced
that Spearmint Rhino.

-Spearmint Rhino?

I thought you danced at, um
Cheetahs.

That's the cool -- isn't that
gentlemen's club?

You know, like the Vatican
of all gentlemen's clubs?

-I mean,
it's the most famous one.

I worked at both, actually.

-So you love Vegas,
though, right?

-I mean, I don't
really love that Vegas.

I would come here
and stay it in the Stratosphere

because they had two cheap rooms
and work two nights

and make enough money
for the whole month

and then get back on a plane
and go back home.

-Really?
So the Start was the place.

You know, that didn't sound
like the Vegas spirit, Darcy

Because the Vegas spirit
is Elizabeth Berkley

shoving Gina Gershon down the
stairs and breaking her hip

so she can replace her and star
in the big casino show, right?

-I thought you hated
"Showgirls?"

-I'm not a fan of "Showgirls,"
but I know that you are.

And I just think you could have
pushed Gina Gershon

down the stairs, you know,
while you were a dancer here.

And you could have ended up
dancing the lead in Jubilee

or, you know,
they all have names like that.

You know, one weird name
is Fantasy or -- [Laughs]

I think "Jubilee"
is the biggest one,

the biggest topless show.

I don't know
if it's still there.

-I do not want to push
Gina Gershon

down the stairs.

I love Gina Gershon.

-Well, I just know one of
the opening scenes

in "Showgirls"
is Kyle MacLachlan

getting a lap dance
at Cheetah's.

So -- so, yeah, you could
have -- you could have

pushed Gina Gershon
down the stairs.

You never would have had to
lower yourself

to being the Mail Girl.
-How do you know I didn't give

Kyle MacLachlan a lap dance?

-Damn, Darcy.
You -- you know everybody.

But you -- but yet you didn't
stay at one of the, you know,

cool, hipster hotels.

You -- you stayed at
the STRAT...

-Mm-hmm.
-...which is the one

with the space needle thing,
you know, and the --

They used to have a roller
coaster on the roof, right?

-Yeah, it was awesome.

-So -- so you came
for the coasters?

-I mean, sort of, yeah.
-[Laughs]

-Don't you think
you should explain

why you're dressed up as Elvis?

-Well, I think everybody knows
why I'm dressed up like Elvis.

I mean, I think
the Elvis wedding

is probably the most popular
quickie Vegas wedding there is.

But these wedding chapels
in Vegas

will do any kind of cosplay
you want.

I mean, you can get married
by Marilyn Monroe,

by the Blues Brothers,
Tom Jones.

You get married
by a Marvel superhero,

and not just Elvis.

You can get married
by zombie Elvis,

so you can get married
at the Taco Bell on the Strip.

The Taco Bell actually promotes
their weddings heavily.

So you get married
during a half marathon race

if you're a runner, you know?

They do that once a year.

You can get married on a bicycle
by a guy dressed up

like Lance Armstrong,
and he'll inject you

with steroids
during the ceremony.

-You can not.
[Laughter]

-I know, but all those
other ones I said are true.

And you know Dyanne Thorne?
Remember her?

She starred in
"Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS."

She owned a Vegas
wedding chapel,

and she'd -- but she would do a
lot of characters for weddings.

Oddly enough,
she was not asked to do "Ilsa"

that often for -- for weddings.

I mean, I miss Dyanne.
She was a lot of fun.

She just passed away, um,
about three years ago.

So anyway,
there's kind of four levels

of Elvis weddings, you know?

They're the professional Elvie,
you know,

the guys who can actually
sing like Elvis, you know?

There are actors who can
transform themselves

into the every day Elvis,

you know, like Bruce Campbell
in "Bubba Ho-Tep"

and that guy that just
won the Golden Globe

whose name I don't remember.
[Laughter]

And then the third level is,

you know, the guys who just
look good in the costume.

And then there's me.

I'm actually an Elvis
impersonator impersonator,

because I can't do anything
that Elvis did.

-You can sing.
-Please.

You know,
remember when we took

all the Mutants on that tour
of Graceland last summer?

-I'll never forget that.

-It kind of made me sad
because there is

sadness running
through the life of Elvis

at almost every stage, you know?

-You can't be sad tonight,
though.

You have to do a wedding.
-Yes.

We're going to have an actual
wedding on the show tonight.

On our -- on our Christmas show,

if you remember,
we auctioned off

a Las Vegas wedding officiated
by yours truly.

And the winners are a couple
from Minneapolis,

Oliver and Shelby, who are over
at the luxurious El Cortez Hotel

preparing for their Freemont
Wedding Chapel nuptials.

Why are you laughing?

-I mean, you put them
at the El Cortez.

-Yes, we did.
What?

-And you're making fun of me
for staying at the STRAT

-What is wrong
with the El Cortez?

-Nothing.
It's one of the finest

100-year-old hotels
in the world.

-It's not 100 years old,
you know?

I guess it just
looks that way.

-It's actually -- it is,
I happen to know,

it's 82 years old.

It's the oldest continuously
operating casino in America,

the first resort built in Vegas
five years before

Bugsy Siegel
built the Flamingo.

-Fascinating.
[Laughter]

-Oliver and Shelby said they
wanted an old Vegas experience,

so that's why...

-That's not an old
Vegas experience.

That's a prehistoric Vegas.

-Well, Darcy, that's what

we're all about
at "The Last Drive-In."

And that's what we celebrate,
things like that.

So...
-We celebrate things

that ceased to be cool
five generations ago.

-Yes, we do.
[Laughter]

And Oliver and Shelby,
they're fine with that.

So I already talked to them,

and speaking of that,
John Brennan.

John Brennan,
ladies and gentlemen,

our musical director,
our wardrobe consultant.

John, I need you to head over
to the El Cortez,

Check in with Oliver.

Make sure
he's psychologically prepared

to get married on this show.

-I'm on a, King.
-Alright.

[Laughing] So and our long time
friend, Felissa Rose,

the star of "Sleepaway Camp."

She'll be joining
Shelby's entourage to make sure

that Shelby is psychologically
prepared to be married

in a cheap chapel
on a cheap horror show

hosted by a cheap Elvis
impersonator impersonator.

So, Darcy, check in
with Felissa,

make sure she's in touch
with -- with Shelby.

And -- because Felissa --
Felissa can be

distracted by Vegas.

-Oh, yes, she can.
-So --

-Maybe you should
tell everyone

that we also have a movie.

[Laughter]

-Okay. Thanks for reminding me.
-Your welcome.

-Yes, we have two great
love story movies tonight.

And the first one is "Phantom
of the Mall: Eric's Revenge."

Like there's a colon in there.

Phantom of the Mall:
Eric's Revenge,"

which let's --
let's start out with.

Why would you put a colon
in your title

and give away
the name of the killer

and make the movie
sound like a sequel?

And the answer is they wanted
everybody to think

it was a sequel.

Like, we're that stupid,
you know?

"Hey, honey,
you know 'Phantom of the Mall:

Eric's Revenge' is coming out
this weekend.

You know how we loved the
original 'Phantom of the Mall?'

I don't remember what was in it,
but we love that one."

So, like, you're such
a slasher movie degenerate

that you've seen
so many slashers

you actually believe
somewhere back

in the rear lobe
of your brain

that you did see a movie
called "Phantom of the Mall."

And it was so good
and so popular

that now they're making
another one.

[Laughter]

-I have Felissa on the line.

-You do?
-Yeah.

-Okay, put her --
put her on speaker.

Felissa?
-Mangled Dick.

-Felissa, Felissa, Felissa,
don't say that.

We're not doing the mangled
dick thing tonight.

You know, we have cool people
getting married on the show.

-Oh, I know all about it.

-Well, I need you to go over
to the El Cortez.

Where are you now?

-[ Chuckles]
Where do you think I am?

-Okay, leave the bar,
Felissa.

Go to the El Cortez,
find Shelby and make sure

everything is okay with her.

-Okay, okay.
But I just have a question.

Is it legal for me to carry
drinks on the street?

Because I just ordered
another Alien Nipple.

-An Alien Nipple?
What is an Alien Nipple?

-I have no idea.

-Well, it's Vegas, so I'm sure
you can carry an Alien Nipple

out on the street,
so we'll see you later tonight.

-I can't wait.
-Okay.

[ Line clicks]

Where was I?

-Um, you were speaking
for 15 minutes

about the title of the movie.

[Laughter]

-Oh, yeah, okay.
So one of the greatest

drive-in movies of the '80s
was "The Seduction."

Remember that?
Directed by --

Actually directed
by David Schmoeller

of "Tourist Trap" fame.

David Schmoeller
was a film professor

here at University of Nevada,
Las Vegas for many years.

And "The Seduction"
starred Morgan Fairchild.

It was her first
real drive-in movie.

Well, she's back in "Phantom
of the Mall: Eric's Revenge."

She's pouty, she's sequined,
She's wearing too much makeup.

She's the evil mayor
in stiletto heels

who's killing people
all over the lot

so that someday
she can be a profit partner

in a shopping mall
development deal.

And yes, that's the evil motive.

So that's it.

So obviously,
a California screenwriter.

Unfortunately for Morgan,
another crazed killer,

half Freddy Krueger, half high
school jock in a leather jacket,

is roaming through the air
conditioning ducts of the mall,

breathing heavily through a mask

he carved off
of a Sears mannequin,

polishing the automatic crossbow

that he lifted
from Oshman's Sporting Goods.

And does anybody remember
Oshman's Sporting Goods?

We're talking
about the '80s, you know?

You're going to see
lots of big name mall stores

that no longer exist
in this movie,

adding greatly to
the nostalgia value here.

Anyway, his name, as you know
from the movie's title,

is Eric, and Eric's face
was horribly mutilated

in a fire set by an arsonist
that killed both of his parents.

And it was during
his senior year,

so he's really bummed out
about missing graduation.

Fortunately for us,
Morgan Fairchild

is one of
those California mayors

who spends every waking moment
walking around the mall.

So in the movie's
most exciting moment,

this gruesome geek phenom
gets to throw her wiggling,

sequined, evening dressed,

high heeled body
through a glass window

and watch her fall three stories
into the mall atrium

where she is impaled
on an ice sculpture.

There are some movies worth
watching for just one scene.

So I'm going to alert you
to that one

when that one's coming up.

So let's take a look at those
drive-in totals and get started.

We have 8 breasts,
11 dead bodies,

1 motor vehicle chase with
3 crashes and 1 explosion,

2 epic fistfights,
eye-popping electric-fan

brain slicing,
dempster dumpster

body-burning,
boyfriend barbecue,

body parts
in the ice cream bowl,

cobra-in-the-commode attack,
guy gets escalatored to death,

face-eating rats,
trash-compactor head chopping,

coffin ripping, head bashing,
multiple stomach-stabbing,

mooning, gratuitous ninja attack
in the mall parking lot,

gratuitous Pauly Shore,
gratuitous Brinke Stevens,

head rolls,
eyeballs roll,

Kung fu, crossbow fu,
forklift fu, lasso fu,

flamethrower fu, mannequin fu,
mall fu.

Drive-In Academy
Award nominations

for Kari Whitman
as the screamer,

Derek Rydall all as
the body builder creep

in the crawl spaces
who says,

"Without me,
you have no life."

Morgan Fairchild,
for her superb use of eyeliner

and The Vandals
for their none hit song,

"Is There a Phantom
in the Mall?"

Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

Whoo!

[Laughter]

So, did you lap dance
Kyle MacLachlan?

-I would never name names,

but I did lap dance
a few famous folks.

-Will there be a Darcy tell-all
books one of these days?

-Actually, there's one
I can name

because he gave me
an autographed photo

to put up on the wall
of the club.

So I would take it to mean
that he's okay with that.

-Wow. You mean your
lap dance was so good

he gave you a souvenir?
[Laughter]

-All of my lap dances are great.

But yes, he was appreciative.

-But he was appreciative, huh?

Who was it?

-"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

-Oh, Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

And of course, it would be
a pro wrestler, right?

Was that at Spearmint Rhino?

-No, it's actually in a club

called Sweet Nothings
in Charleston,

which is like the very
first place I ever worked.

He came into the club,
and I was the only person

he recognized him.

-What was Hacksaw Jim Duggan's
finishing move

when he was a wrestler?

-The three-point
stance clothesline.

-What was your finishing move?

-Depends who I was lap dancing.

-Ooh, if I know what you mean,
and I think I do.

-You do.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Keys jingle]

♪♪

-What the hell?

You ain't no mannequin.

This ain't Halloween, pal.

Where do you think
you're going, huh?

[Groans]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

-Midwood, your time has come.

No more shopping in the rain,
no more trucking

45 miles to the Southern Mall.

No, thank you!

No more "Saturday night,
and where are my kids?"

And on a personal note,
as a beloved parent,

it gives me great personal
pleasure to share with you this,

our wonderful mall --
the new Midwood Mall.

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Melody?

-Believe me, Mr. Webster,
it's perfectly alright.

I do understand if you need
someone a little more qualified.

-You can start tomorrow.

Here's your uniform.

-Thank you so much, Mr. Webster.
You won't be sorry

I'll do a real good job.

Thanks a lot.

-The driving force, the person
that is responsible

for all of this,
the Mayor of Midwood,

Miss Karen Wilton.

-Alright, Karen!

[Cheers and applause]

-Thank you.
Thank you all very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,
when I was campaigning

for the office of Mayor
of this city,

I made you some promises,
and today,

we see our efforts
come to fruition.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have finally succeeded

in putting
Midwood on the map!

-Alright!
-Hear, hear!

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

Today we have a new town center.

We have new jobs.
-Mel!

Give me the good news.

[Gasps] You got it!
-Yeah!

-Oh, that's great.

[Applause]

-And as we complete each phase
of the mall project,

we'll light another section
of the mall model.

-I don't know how she does it.

She always looks so perfect.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
phase one!

[Applause]

-Thank you!

Okay, folks, don't forget,

I know some of you have already
received your invitations

to the Mall Investors
4th of July ceremony.

Mark it on your calendar,
and we'll see you all there.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Lid clanks]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

-Here, you guys.

-Thanks.

Bye.
-Mm-hmm.

-[Chuckles]

[Both clear throat]

-Melly, Suzie,
how you guys doing, huh?

-They let you handle the food?

-I promise not to spit
in your yogurt.

-Ugh! I'll pass.

She'll have a vanilla, Buzz.

-Okay, vanilla.

-Trail mix.

♪♪

-Here you go.
Melody, what are you gonna have?

-Um, I think I might
have a vanilla also.

-[Gasps]

-Oh, hey, hey...

Hey, ears are extra.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm

-Oh, gross!

-I'd share with you guys,

but really, look,
there's not enough for three.

-Buzz off, Buzz!

-I heard that one before.

-Skylight over here.

You've got four major department
stores, 60 clothing stores.

Speaking of which, gentlemen,
if you're tired of this

P.R. talk,
we could stop here.

Hello.
-Can I help you?

-I'll have a small
vanilla, please.

Hello, ladies.
-Hi!

-You enjoying the mall?
-Oh, it's great.

We both start
working tomorrow.

-Oh, great!

Now, this is just what
I'm talking about --

new mall, new jobs.

In fact, why don't we get a
photograph with the ladies?

You don't mind, do you?
-No.

-Not at all!
-Oh, great!

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪♪

Thank you.
-[Chuckles]

-Hi, how are you?

-Thanks.
-It's perfect.

-Now, if you would like
to go downstairs with me,

I'll be glad to show...

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

-Hello.
-Hi.

-I know this sounds corny,
but you look familiar to me.

-You look familiar, too.

-That fire last year,
I'm the one

who took your picture
when they brought you in.

-You have a good memory.

-That fire happened around here
somewhere, didn't it?

-Yeah, you're standing on it.

-You know, you were
pretty hysterical that night.

I remember you kept saying
you saw some guy.

-Yeah, I saw him.

-You said he had a medal
in his ear?

-Yeah, some kind
of religious symbol.

-I don't know about you, but
that sounds suspicious to me.

-Yeah.

But no one ever believed me.

No investigation, nothing.

Eric was murdered,
and nobody cared.

-Wait!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to press you.

It's my reporter's instincts
getting out of hand again.

I'm Peter.

Peter Baldwin.

-I'm Melody Austin.

-It's nice to meet you,
Melody Austin.

-It's nice to meet you.

-I am sorry...

about your boyfriend.

-Thanks.

I guess I'm just not
over it yet, that's all.

♪♪

-Surprise!

[Chuckles]

Mwah!
-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

-Orchids!
I love orchids.

-What's the matter?

♪♪

They're just orchids.

-You don't understand.

-Nice flowers.

Mel, what's wrong?

-Buddy, I think it's time
for a little talk.

-What's wrong?

-Look, I kinda overheard your
conversation of yours and Mel's.

-How?
-I got this special talent

called supersonic hearing.

I mean, I can listen
to one conversation

while the whole time
I'm, like, involved

in another, man, it's weird.

But I've been doing it
since I was a kid.

-I'm impressed.
-Look, anyway...

Look, I heard you were talking
to Melody, right,

and you gotta lay off her.

I mean, she's really been
through a lot.

-Why don't you let her
tell me that?

♪♪

-No. Nope, absolutely not,
you can't borrow my car.

No, you already wrecked
two this month.

-Thanks a lot, Dad, okay?

You know what?
I'm just gonna take Mom's car.

-You little prick!

[Indistinct conversations]

-I mean, she and Eric, I mean,
they were the perfect couple.

You know, they were so in love.

And she's just starting to get
back to a normal thing,

a normal life, you know?

-So, what do you think?

Was it arson?

-Beats me.

I think someone dropped the ball
on the investigation.

-Yeah. Me, too.

-Hey!
-Hey, watch it!

-[Chuckles] See that kid?
His dad owns this whole mall.

Don't worry,
jerks run in their family.

-I didn't mean to upset her.
-Don't worry about it.

Melody doesn't talk to people
she doesn't like.

[Footsteps clanking]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Fans screeching]

-[Grunting]

♪♪

[Flesh tears]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

-This one's great.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten
that pizza last night.

I hope it still fits.

-Relax, Suze,
you look great in everything.

-Oh, yes, my dear.

I think I recognize you.

I do, both of you.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Now, don't leave it
on the floor.

You've gotta bend over
and take it.

Yes. [Laughs]

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah, now look at these.

They just look right up at you.

Oh, yes, my dear!

[Laughs]

Alright, here's a new one.

Oh, yeah, come on, take it off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes. Now the bra.

Yes...

Oh, don't do that!

Oh, man, I thought we were
gonna have a show here.

-Hey, shut that damn thing off.

Posner's coming in on five.

-There's some kind of strange
knocking in

the G section
ventilation ducts.

Check it out.
-Right, Chief.

[Keyboard clacking]

What the hell
are you waiting on, asshole?

Go check it out.

-Hey, man, not now.
Come on!

It'll go away by itself anyway.

-Get off your fat ass
and go down there

and check it out right now!

[Sniffs] Son of a...

[Ominous music plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Suzie, look at this.

It's beautiful.

-Oh, it's nice.

-Yeah, but it's expensive.

-My approach is simple --
if you like it, buy it.

Besides, you're employed now.

-I can't.

I gotta save my money
for college.

-"I gotta save my money
for college.

I gotta save my money
for college."

Don't you ever do anything
on impulse?

-No.

♪♪

[Keys jingling]

-Hey, girls, you wanna pull
my chain?

[Laughs]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Bangs vent]

♪♪

[Fan whirring]

-[Sniffles]

-Gosh, that security guard
was such a jerk.

-That's what I like
about the mall,

you meet
charming guys like that.

-Hello, ladies.
-Hi!

-Have a nice day.

[Fan whirring]

[Banging]

[Banging]

[Banging continues]

♪♪

[Steady banging]

♪♪

[Banging stops]

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

[Screaming]

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

-Harv, am I
interrupting anything?

-No, no, come on in.

I'm just doing some initial work
on my shop rental revenues.

This mall is going to be
a gold mine,

and when I finish
with my plans for expansion,

there's gonna be
even bigger bucks.

-Well, actually that's what
I stopped by

to talk to you about, Harv.

First, I wanted
to congratulate you

on a very successful opening,

and then I just thought
you might be interested to know

that there's some talk
going on downtown about, um...

supporting you
for the city council.

And if things keep going the way
they have been around here,

I might be persuaded to throw
my support behind you, too.

-Oh, Karen, I --
I want you to know

that your guidance and support

is of the utmost
importance to me.

I mean that.
I mean that sincerely.

-Gee, Harv, you sound like

you're running
for office already.

Oh, by the way,
can you keep a leash

on that son of your, Justin?

I'm getting complaints
from the shop owners already.

Bye, Harv.

-Bye, Karen.

Stop by anytime.

♪♪

[Body thuds]

Oh, shit.

♪♪

God!

[Static]

♪♪

-Have you ever noticed
that all the songs

you've written on
"The Last Drive-In"

are in the key of G?

-Alright, sit down.

I've had enough
of this malarkey.

This is a pop quiz, Lover boy.

Question one,
are you prepared to never

eat snacks in bed again

because a spouse
always knows?

That's right, crumbs.

Question two,
have you ever seen the movie

"Love Story" with Ali MacGraw
and Ryan O'Neal?

-No.
-Well, the tagline

for that movie is

"Being in love means never
having to say you're sorry."

That is a lie.

Being in love means
always having to you're sorry

in order to keep the peace.

Are you prepared for that?

-Yeah.
-Question three,

are you prepared to fake IBS

just so you can get away
for an hour a day

and sit on the toilet bowl?

-I-I already do that.

-You already do that?

You crazy son of a bitch.

Well, listen.

As you can tell,
I'm dressed in all black

because this is a funeral
for your single life.

But sometimes when you die,

you get to
the Kingdom of Heaven.

-What?
-Follow me, my boy.

We're going drinking.
To the Strip!

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

♪♪

-And so dead bodies
are dropping out of ceilings,

just the way we like it here
at "he Last Drive-In."

Did anybody notice
Brinke Stevens?

One of the three top
'80 scream queens.

She was one of the girls getting
spied on by the security perv

as she undressed at the store.

Brinke was one of the hardest

working actresses in Hollywood
for 20 years.

She -- she did big roles,
small roles,

or in this case,
quickie breast exposure roles.

You know, a true trouper.

That store where
the nubile hotties

are getting dressed
was called Wet Seal.

They used the actual stores
in the mall.

Does Wet -- I don't even
remember Wet Seal.

Does Wet Seal still exist?

D--Do you shop at Wet Seal,
Darcy?

-No, but it sounds nasty.

-It does sound nasty,
but - but you --

you would never
buy clothes at Wet Seal.

-I totally would, yeah.
-Okay, so...

But there's not
a lot of suspense

about who's doing
the killing, right?

Would have been better to remove
"Eric's Revenge" from the title

and make us think it was
Pauly Shore doing the killing.

You know, Pauly Shore
is a serial killer.

I would rather watch that.

You know, this was actually
Pauly Shore's film debut,

and the guy playing Eric,
we've seen him before.

He was the bungling
boyfriend opposite

Jill Schoelen in "Popcorn,"
Derek Rydall.

This movie was made
two years before "Popcorn."

"Popcorn" would turn out
to be Rydall's last movie.

He became a writer.

That poor bastard, you know?
[Laughter]

So anyway, he was doing all
his own stunts in this movie.

And as you'll see, there are
some hellacious stunts.

So Derek Rydall
was the male lead

in two of your favorite
movies, Darcy?

D-Did you ever get
to lap dance Derek Rydall?

-No names.
-Alright.

Anyway, this movie
was produced by Chuck Fries,

and I don't think
the general public

knows who Chuck Fries was,

but he was -- I think
he was the inventor, actually,

of the TV movie.

If he wasn't the inventor,
he made more TV movies

than any human being alive,
including some horror movies

for -- for TV like
"Terror at London Bridge."

You remember that one?
That's a great one.

When they -- they moved
the old London Bridge

to Lake Havasu City, Arizona,

which were it still
stands today.

And this -- the spirit
of Jack the Ripper

went with the bridge.

And David Hasselhoff has to kill
the Jack the Ripper ghost.

How great is that
as a TV movie?

-Yes.
-Anyway, Chuck Fries'

company Fries Entertainment,
was trying to branch out

and get into theatrical
features,

and so they decided
to make this movie.

And that may be why
Morgan Fairchild

is in the movie,
because Morgan Fairchild

starred -- she starred
in several thousand TV movies.

but they used the same mall
that we we already saw

before in "Chopping Mall."

It's the Sherman Oaks Galleria,

which is kind of
the typical '80s mall.

Some scenes in this movie
were shot while the mall,

in fact,
a lot of scenes were shot

while the mall
was actually open.

So you're going to see
random people

going in and out
of the stores.

And the reason
they shot it in a mall

and wrote the story
about a mall

is that it was directed
at a teen audience.

And the reasoning was,
where do teens spend

all their time?

At the mall,
and I guess there was

a period in American history

where that was apparently
true, unfortunately.

But Hollywood loved
this particular mall

because they use it in
"Fast Times at Ridgemont High,"

"Valley Girl,"
"Night of the Comet,"

"Commando," "Terminator 2."

You know, the list
goes on and on.

I think partly because
the management

of the mall,
they didn't care.

They would let you
do anything there.

You could blow stuff up there.

In fact, they had a big
pyrotechnic stunt in this movie

and they were afraid
that their control fire

might set off
the sprinkler system.

And so the mall tech guy
told them, no problem,

just put some Styrofoam cups
around each sprinkler head.

The smoke will never get to
the trigger on the smoke alarm.

Apparently bad advice.
[Laughter]

They did set off
the sprinkler system.

All the stores
were drenched in water.

The bookstore, in particular,
was not amused by this.

The mall had to be shut down
for two full days.

However, they continued
to shoot there

even during those two full days.
All right, Darcy.

I know you were asking me
why people get married in Vegas.

-I was?

-Yes, Darcy,
you were asking me...

-I mean, why did people
get married in Vegas, Joe Bob?

-Well, I'm glad
you asked me that, Darcy,

because I have this chart

where we have broken down
the demographic data

as to why people run two quickie
wedding chapels to get married.

Sociological experts refer
to these Vegas wedding factors

as FADCIG.

And I'm going to run
through them very quickly.

Numero uno,fetus.

Fetal development,
baby in the oven.

Maybe if we go to Vegas now,

nobody will notice
that the birth --

the birth date,
you know,

doesn't quite match up
with the marriage date.

So they're trying to avoid
that situation

where the baby grows up
and says,

hey, mom, how come you and dad
got married on Tuesday

and I was born
the next Thursday, you know?

Okay.
[Laughter]

Numero two-o, they're drunk.

She looked like a goddess
while standing in the light

emanating from the "Sharknado"
slot machine.

He looked like Richard Gere
in "Pretty Woman"

in the scene where he takes
Julia Roberts shopping.

Three days later, she looks
like the shark in "Sharknado"

and he looks like
Julia Roberts.

So there are no breathalyzers
at the wedding chapel.

Numero three-o,
drama back home.

Baby, my mom is never going to
accept your methamphetamine use,

and your dad is never
going to accept

my seven-felony
shoplifting conviction.

So let's go to Vegas, okay?
This can be anything really.

I mean, people getting judged
because you're going to marry

somebody of a different race
or a different religion.

You know, out in West Texas,
sometimes they can't stand it

if a Baptist wants to marry
a methodist, you know?

You know, why didn't you
tell us you were gay?

You know?
So flights to Vegas are cheap.

Alright, Numero four-o.
Cash

You work at the gas station,

your partner works
at Chase Manhattan.

You want
the health insurance.

You want those $20 co-pays
for brain surgery.

Totally worth the flight.

Alright, Numero five-o.

You want to marry your cousin.
[Laughter]

Alright, now, this one
is actually impossible

to do in Vegas,
but people show up

trying to do this anyway.

You live in the Ozarks.
Alright.

Your family tree
has no branches,

but both Missouri and Arkansas
banned sex with your sister

after -- ever since that
three headed baby in 2019.

They made a new law.
So, what do you do?

You think Vegas
is the answer,

but Nevada is actually
one of 26 states

that ban first-cousin marriage.

And oddly enough, though,
no problem in California.

So all you have to,
once you get here,

what you're going to have to do
is you can have to drive

37 minutes to Primm, Nevada,

which is on
the California border.

They'll take you across
the border and take care of you.

And then after you're married,

you can play the nickel slots
in Whiskey Pete's Casino,

where they have
the bullet-riddled Bonnie

and Clyde getaway car

and then start creating
genetic mutations.

Alright, and then there's
the best reason of all

to get married in Vegas.

You're a geek.
You're here for the cheese.

The whole thing is going up

on Instagram five minutes
after it happens.

We're marrying to "Drive-in"
Mutants later tonight.

And why are they
doing it here?

Because they want to stand up
in front of

thousands of other Mutants
like ourselves

and say we love each other
and we're together

and we don't care
how you're supposed to do this.

We're going to do it our way,
the anti-establishment way,

the fun way.

And we want everybody
to witness

this is who we are.

So Oliver and Shelby,

they're not going to
chicken out, are they, Austin?

-No, they're stoked.
They're so ready.

-Okay, well, they're like Eric
in "Phantom of the Mall"

because he's horribly disfigured
and stalking his ex-girlfriend,

and he's still in love.
Oh, wait, bad example.

Okay, Oliver and Shelby,

they're actually ridiculously
good looking people.

They are "Drive-In" Mutants
who could sign

with the elite modeling agency
at any moment.

Eric, on the other hand,
is following in the footsteps

of the great phantoms
of the past.

Like Lon Chaney, who --

Who was the best phantom
of the opera, Darcy?

You were an expert
on "Phantom of the Opera."

Who was the best one?

-It has to be Lon Chaney.

-Okay. Many would say
Claude Rains, though.

It's Lon Chaney.

-Alright.

No love for Herbert Lom

in the 1962 Hammer films
"Phantom?"

-A lot of love for him,
but Lon Chaney.

-Okay.
Robert Englund?

He was in "Phantom of the --
"Phantom of the Opera"

opposite our friend
Jill Schoelen.

-And I love Robert Englund,

but it's Lon Chaney.
-Okay.

The late '80s
were like phantom mania,

because you had
"Phantom of the Ritz"

around the same time,
you had that Robert Englund,

"Phantom of the Mall."

So, and who was the musical guy.

-Michael Crawford.

-Yep, Michael Crawford.

Everybody loves
Michael Crawford.

And by the way, April 16th,
last night of

"Phantom of the Opera"
on Broadway.

"Phantom of the Opera"
is closing on Broadway

after 35 years.
-Oh, that's so sad.

-But you're not usually
a fan of musicals, right?

-I love "Phantom."

I love
"Little Shop of Horrors."

-Okay. Well, you just love
Rick Moranis.

-Yeah, that's true.
-Alright.

Did you ever lap dance
for Rick Moranis?

-I'm not going to
tell you who I lap danced.

-Okay, back to the movie.

[Laughter]

You know, I was -- I was
in acting class with the guy

who who played Raoul
in "Phantom of the Opera."

You know,
he's the handsome guy, you know?

And -- and he was.

The guy who I was
in class with,

he was the best looking man
I have ever met in my life.

I'm not going to embarrass him
because there have been

several people who played roles
so people don't necessarily

know who I'm talking about,
but he always

wanted to be the Phantom.

He didn't want to be Raoul.
He wanted to be the Phantom.

And they were like, you're too
good looking to be the Phantom.

The Phantom can't
be good looking, and --

But isn't that what special
effects makeup is for?

You know, you do the special
effects makeup on the Phantom.

The moment --
the moment of unmasking.

That's always the best moment
in the movie, right?

And of course, the more messed
up and hideous the face is,

the more you would enjoy
lap dancing the guy, right?

-You do know me?
-Yes.

Because it's like, okay,
what's the opposite of normal?

That's what Darcy would do.

So mangled face, yeah.
Give me some of that.

-Raar. hell, yeah.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-You like him.

-No, I don't.

-Come on, Melody,
why can't you admit

that you might be just a little
attracted to Peter Baldwin?

-Well, I don't even know him.

How can I be attracted to him?

-Well, he can ask me
probing questions anytime.

-[Chuckles]

He is pretty cute, huh?

-Uh-huh.

-You okay getting to your car?

-Yeah, other than they make me
walk to Timbuktu.

I'll be fine.

Night, Mel.
-Bye, Suze.

[Keys jingle]

[Insects chirping]

♪♪

[Engine sputtering]

♪♪

[Engine shuts off]

♪♪

[Screams] No!

[Both grunting]

♪♪

[Screaming]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

[Both grunting]

[Screams]

[Panting]

♪♪

-Are you alright?

-I don't understand.

♪♪

-This is Posner.

I may be requiring
your services again.

-So, the only thing that you
remember about him

is that
he walked with a limp.

-Yeah, and that somebody,

I don't know who, shot him
in the arm with an arrow.

-Okay, um...

Look, I'll take you home,

and then I'll report it
to the police.

I know they're gonna
wanna talk to you,

but for tonight, why don't you
just try to get some rest?

-Okay.

-[Grunts]

♪♪

[Peaceful music plays]

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Birds chirping]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Pete!
Have I got a scoop for you!

You know, this could be
the big one.

-Yeah, thanks, Buzz,
but I'm looking for Melody.

Uh, where does she work?

-Look, that's no problem, pal.

All I need is to take a moment

out of your valuable schedule
just to accompany me.

Come on.
-Do I have a choice?

-No.

-Deal.
-Let's do it.

Okay.
Now, this is unbelievable.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Punching bag thudding,
chain rattling]

♪♪

-One Nautilus exercise machine,
one crossbow,

three pillows,
one mannequin's head,

one VCR, two video cameras,
one tape recorder, all missing.

-Well, you look into it and find
out what the hell's going on.

-And Devin, he didn't show up
yet this morning.

-I fired him last night.
-What?

-Don't worry, I already hired
a replacement.

-What about the other guy?

-What guy?
-Stanley.

He worked the night shift.
We haven't heard from him since.

-Another guard?
-Huh?

-Nothing.
Nothing, I just...

meant that he probably
got himself another job.

-Right.

[Arcade machines playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Coins rattling]

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-And let it be known that we
will prosecute shoplifters

to the fullest extent of the...

law.

-I'll catch you later, Chief.

-Goddammit!
How many times have I --

How many times have
I told you not to --

-[Laughs]
Yeah, Dad.

Too many, Dad.

Too many.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Light rock music playing]

♪♪

-♪ There goes a memory ♪

♪ Of shattered dreams ♪

♪ We'll never fill
the empty space ♪

♪♪

♪ To reach the solitude ♪

♪ A glimpse of you ♪

♪ So near and yet so far away ♪

♪ Still there ain't
no way to say goodbye ♪

♪ Though I know
I'll never make you mine ♪

♪ Love won't die ♪

-Okay, now it's always
empty this early, alright?

Now, Pete, this is gonna be
in the headlines!

-Yeah, yeah, come on, let's
hurry up before they come back.

-Just relax!
Here, look.

Watch. Sit down.

Sit down.

No, no, no, don't touch
that television set.

Now, I control the vertical,

and I control the horizontal,
alright?

So, as soon as they, like,
move in, we leave.

Okay, I promise.

Okay, now the scoop.

Ready? Watch this.

[Upbeat music plays]

-Hey, shh!
Turn that stuff off!

-Look, it's only in here.

The public address system's off,
they can't hear us.

Listen to what it does
to your body.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh, God!

♪♪

Oh!

Oh, it's real nice, huh?

-Muzak is not exactly
big news, Buzz.

-Look, watch this.

♪♪

-The sales clerks
are my friends.

I can buy anything
I want on credit.

Shopping is fun.

I like to shop.

The sales clerks
are my friends.

-See, it's subliminal.
It's under the music.

-[Chuckles]

-I mean,
this is hot stuff, huh?

-Deceptive, yes.

Illegal, no.

-Uh, too bad.

-Shopping makes me feel good.

Spending money
makes me feel good.

Shopping is fun.
-Hey, turn that crap off.

-You don't like this, do you?

I mean, you're getting
a little irritated here, huh?

Okay, I'm sorry.
I'll take...

-I like to spend money.

[Switch clicks]

[Ominous music plays]

-Buzz.
-Hmm?

-Come here.
Where is this?

-That's Sam Goody's.
That's on the third floor.

Why?
What's the big deal?

-Gotta go.
-Wait.

Pete...

This is just great.

Well, thank you, Buzz.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

-Hi. How are you?

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-[Whistling]

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-Excuse me!

Excuse me!
-Hey!

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Shit!

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Hey!

♪♪

-So, if you could just take
those papers over to --

-Excuse me, Mayor.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

-Oh, you're the young man
from the paper, aren't you?

-Right.
Look, I'd like to take your

picture for our weekend section.

Do you mind?

-No, not at all.
Always glad to oblige the press.

-Great.

♪♪

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-Mel!

You're not gonna
believe this.

We're famous.

-We are!

Front page news.

That's Peter's picture.

-Listen, I gotta go.
I'll talk to you later, okay?

-Thanks, Suze.

♪♪

-Hey, Buzz, where's Melody?

-She's working over at Sleuth's.

Why, what happened, Pete?

-Gotta go.
-Hey, Pete.

Huh, that's great.

Hey, hey, hey!

Wait, Suze, just one second.

-Hi, Buzz.
-Look, okay,

I got a special today.
OK?

I got free yogurt...

for an incredibly buxom
young woman who gets her picture

on the front page
of Thursday's paper.

Are you free tonight?

-Thanks, Buzz, but no thanks.

An eye!

Nice try, Buzz.

[Jukebox clanks]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Light rock music plays]

♪♪

-♪ I feel
the night time call... ♪

-Melody, I have to talk to you.
-Peter.

-Oh, come here,
this is important.

I think I just saw the guy

who started the fire
at Eric's house.

-Where?
-Here, in the mall.

Look, he had the same medal

you described to me
hanging from his ear.

Look, I got a picture of him.

I want you to take a look at it
once it's developed.

There's something else
wrong here, isn't there?

-Yeah.

First the flowers,
then yesterday I go to my car,

and there was something
left in my car.

It was the same dress
that I wanted to buy

but I couldn't afford.

Then, right before you came in,

I went and I punched
some numbers on the jukebox,

and this song started playing.

-So, somebody screwed up
the records in the jukebox.

-No.
This was Eric's and my song.

♪♪

Peter, it's like
he's still around.

I know he's still around.

-Listen, I saw the way you
looked at the flowers yesterday.

Brought back some memories, huh?

-Eric always gave me orchids.

-It's tough to lose somebody
you care about.

-I'd really like to see
that picture

when you get it developed.

-Great.
Look, I'll bring it by later.

-So, this man could still be
lurking here at the mall.

Now, the girl said he wore
a black ski mask

and he walked with a limp.

And then somebody rescued her
by shooting him

in the arm with an arrow.

-An arrow?

-Yeah, well, that should
make things easier.

Just look for a man
dragging an arm and a leg.

-We'll do our best,
Mayor Wilton.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Excuse me, ladies.

It's time for my break.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Hisses]

♪♪

Agh.

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Hisses]

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

♪♪

[Water stirring]

♪♪

[Snake hisses]

Oh, my God.

[Snake hisses]

♪♪

[Snake hissing]

♪♪

No!

[Static]

♪♪

I'm so excited.
-Oh, so happy for you.

I have some advice though.
I do.

I have -- have advice.

You know you're gonna
fight, right?

-Right.
-The two of you,

you're gonna fight.
You're gonna --

You're gonna really fight,
like, get into it.

Fight, fight, fight.
Fight until you go to sleep.

Just fight and go to bed.

-Go to bed mad?

Yeah, go to bed mad.
-Yes.

-I think I heard.
something like that once,

but like in a different order.

-Usually, that --
Yeah.

Well, listen to me.

After today,
let yourself go.

Just let yourself go.

No deodorant,
wear some sweats and slippers.

You do you.
You know what?

Nothing says I'm in control
than hairy legs.

-Hey, man, I'm with you.
Yeah.

It's a pound move.
It's good.

Ah... Oh.

And then the next one,
just on a Saturday,

when you want to just sprawl out
and not do anything.

Be lazy, lazy,
lay on the couch.

You do it.
That's what you tell him.

You do it. Don't let anyone
tell you what to do.

Like, you clean the garage.
No, I'll clean the garage

[I'll clean the garage.
You clean the garage.

No one's cleaning the garage!

Mm.

It's going to be a magical day.
[Sighs]

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

[Bell tolls]

-Well, our newlyweds will be
coming by in just a few minutes.

They are just right around
the corner at

the El Cortez Hotel and Casino,
which I mentioned earlier.

And you know what?

Now that I think about it, um,

what better hotel
could we have chosen?

Because not only was it
the first resort

ever built in Las Vegas,
because it opened in 1941

five years before Bugsy Siegel
opened the Flamingo,

but it was also the first resort
to get mobbed up by the Mafia.

And -- and the particular mob
that moved in on it

was the Minneapolis mob,
Kid Cann.

His real name was...

-Oh.
-...Isadore Blumenfeld.

You know, and our newlyweds
are from Minneapolis.

They're staying in rooms
made possible

by a notorious killer
from their hometown.

-Yeah!
So Kid Cann was --

he was a nasty guy.

He is, actually,
he's famous for murdering

one of our greatest
journalists,

Walter Liggett.

He ran a newspaper
in Minneapolis

that was exposing all these
Minnesota politicians

who had been corrupted
by the mob.

Five eyewitnesses
described Kid Cann

as the guy who machine gunned
Walter Liggett,

but the jury found him innocent,
let him go on.

He went down to Florida
and helped Meyer Lansky

run the mob in Miami
and Havana.

So, yeah, long before the
New York mob and the Chicago mob

and the Kansas City mob
came to Las Vegas,

the Minneapolis mob ran the
El Cortez Hotel in Dude Ranch

because the El Cortez
was also the first dude ranch

in Las Vegas back
when Vegas was a cowboy town.

And the sheriff still wore
a straw hat and boots.

And so --

-Are we still watching
"Phantom of the Mall?"

[Laughter]

-Sorry. Yes, we are.
Um...

So I can always relate it.

Not even Kid Cann had
the diabolical killing skills

of Eric as portrayed...
-Oh, my God.

...by Derek Rydall.

See, I'm relating
this to the movie.

-Good job.
-Eric works with knives,

and he's an expert
with a crossbow

and he practices kung fu
all the time

and he knows
how to train cobras

to crawl through the mall
plumbing and bite

piano-playing rapist
on the penis.

So, isn't that what
just happened?

-Are you asking me?

-Are you paying attention
to the movie?

You know, the penis
of the pianist was pricked,

and what a dedicated
mall employee that pianist was

because he didn't --
[Laughter]

He didn't even call in sick.

He has -- he has an
open-bleeding chest wound

and a shoulder wound
from a steel crossbow arrow

that he sustained in
the previous evening's

attempted rape
in the mall parking lot,

where apparently they have
no security cameras

and nobody bothers
to call the cops

because, you know,
it's a mall parking lot.

You know, there's random

attempted rapes
here all the time.

So they only have the security
cameras in the stores

where they're piping
in subliminal messages

underneath the Muzak,

as Pauly Shore proved
in an earlier scene

that didn't really have
anything to do with the movie.

So, is that pretty much it?

Is that what we watched so far?

-Yeah, I think so.
-Alright.

Well, you probably weren't even
born with this movie came out.

But for for my generation,
you can't watch this movie

without noticing
that all the mall stores

in the movie
don't exist anymore.

Because we had a key scene
in Sam Goody's, a record store.

First of all, does any
record store exist anymore?

We should ask Justin, one of
our producers, Justin Martell.

He has a record label,
Ship to Shore Records.

They still do vinyl records,

but normal people don't go
to record stores anymore.

Also, you'll notice B. Daltons,
the bookstore.

That chain,
they've been gone forever.

Miller's Outpost,
Kinney Shoes,

Contempo Casual.

Did you ever shop
a Contempo Casuals, Darcy?

-We couldn't afford
Contempo Casuals.

-You couldn't afford it.
Where did you shop?

-At S-Mart and Burlington
Coat Factory.

-I know Burlington Coat Factory.
What was the other one?

S-Mart.
-S-Mart?

It's like --
it's a discount Kmart.

-Damn! Wow, okay.

So that's hardcore.

And Swensen's Ice Cream.

Is that where Pauly Shore works?

No, he works in
the yogurt place.

But maybe it's
the Swensen's Ice Cream

where they also sell yogurt.
I don't know.

-Maybe.
-Anyway, Swensen's --

Swensen's is gone.

This movie is just one
giant buffet of mall nostalgia.

And did you have
a favorite mall in Charleston.

-Malls are for fancy folks?

-Really? Okay, well...

You know, as I was saying
about the El Cortez Hotel.

-Oh, my God, you are not
going back to that.

-I didn't quite finish.
I had a few --

-You finished.

-I want to point out,
I don't think people know.

Originally, all casinos in Vegas
were dude ranches.

-Is that important information
for people to know right now?

-It is. So you know
how -- how Vegas casinos --

This is the reason.
Okay.

-Vegas casinos are famous
for their bargain buffets.

-I know. I love those. I used
to eat there every morning.

-Really?
Well, the bargain buffet --

At the STRAT.
-Yes.

-How much was the buffet?

-Like $9.95,
and it had everything.

-$9.95, okay.

Well, the bargain buffet
was invented by the El Cortez.

They had an around
the clock "chuckwagon,"

and it was so popular
that the other hotels

that were built
in the 1940 and 1950s,

they copied that as
the 24/7 cheap buffet.

And a year after
the El Cortez was built,

some guys opened El Rancho
on The Strip

and they had
the same dude ranch theme.

I mean, you can actually
ride horses at the casino,

not inside the casino,
but, you know, on the grounds,

because El Rancho Vegas
was the first hotel

on The Strip south of downtown.
-Okay.

So, there are no dude ranches
in "Phantom of the Mall,"

so we should probably
just stick to the movie.

-And we will.
And then the most --

But I want to -- I want
to make this point, though.

The most elaborate
dude ranch Vegas hotel

was the Last Frontier.

And that relates to us.
I'm going to show you how.

Because it was built
by a Texas theater owner.

Actually, he owned drive-ins.

Actually, he lived in Dallas,

but most of the theaters
were in Oklahoma.

And he had three drive-ins.

He had three drive-ins
in Tulsa alone --

the 11th Street,
the Riverside and the Skyline.

But Art, R.E. Griffith is
what I'm talking about.

He built the Last Frontier
on The Strip,

and it later
became the New Frontier.

And then they just called it
The Frontier,

and it was a full-scale
dude ranch,

probably the most elaborate
dude ranch ever built.

It had this thing called
the Ramona Room,

which had stone carvings
by the Zuni Indians,

and many of my bolo
ties you --

you probably know,
are from the Zuni Tribe.

-And your point?
[Laughter]

-My point is Donald Trump
destroyed

the last vestiges
of the Old West in Vegas

when he tore down the Frontier
Hotel and Casino in 2007,

and then he didn't even
put up anything in his place.

It's just a vacant lot.

Sad.

[Laughter]

-That's it?

-So the first
dude ranch hotel in 1941

was the El Cortez, where
our newlyweds are staying.

Then the last one
was The Frontier,

which was demolished
by Donald Trump in 2011.

Don't you think it'd be cool
if they still had

dude ranches on The Strip?

-Why do you do this?

-My favorite thing
the El Cortez though,

is -- it's that giant neon sign,

because the sigh on
the El Cortez is just one word.

Gambling.

[Laughter]

That's the sign on there.

Like, you have to tell people
what -- what you can do inside.

You know, it'd be like
putting a giant neon sign

on the front of McDonald's
that says

"Hamburgers," you know?

I mean, what else
is going to be inside?

-Why?
-I have to.

I have to do this. It's generic.
So back to the movie.

[Laughter]

You know, for about
three years I wrote this --

I wrote
this column for UPI,

United Press International
called The Vegas Guy.

And I go around to casinos
all over the country.

I even went to Europe.

I even with the casinos
in Europe,

and I would write about them,
and not just casino.

I wrote about racetracks
and card rooms,

any place there was gambling.

And so --
and sometimes it was fun.

But not -- not when you're
reviewing the Indian casino

in Anza, California,
the Cahuilla Creek Casino

where most of the roads
aren't paved

and the customers
are elderly Korean women

who ride the bus
for two and a half hours

to play slot machines
and look at the cows.

So --
-And the cows?

-They have cows at that casino
because the cows

from the ranches wander up
to the casino,

except on kickboxing night

because the -- the the noise
scares them off.

-And how long did you do this?

-Three years I did this.

-And you remember that
they have Thai kickboxing night?

-Yeah, I know.
It's pathetic, isn't it?

-Just saying.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-♪ You always had your head up
in the clouds ♪

-Come on, Suzie, it's Buzz!

Let's just dance.
Come on, just for a sec.

-No, Buzz,
I don't want to dance.

-Look, it's so much fun,
though.

-[Breathing steadily]

[Upbeat music playing
on monitors]

♪♪

-Here, take a look at this.

♪♪

-Peter, I don't know.

I mean...

I can't tell.

-Sorry, it's not my best work.

-No, no, that's okay.

It's just...

If he's a security guard here,

can't we check
with the security office?

-I already described him
to the main office.

They said they never
heard of him.

-Oh, come on!

You don't believe that,
do you?

-No.

I don't trust them.

They're not gonna tell me

about what happened.

Maybe this all ties
in somehow.

I'm gonna call you after work.

You call me when you're through,
and be careful.

-Peter.

Thanks a lot for being
such a friend.

It's been real hard for me
to open up with anybody else...

since Eric.

I really loved him a lot.

[Monitor turns off]

-[Grunts]

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

-Let me show you something else.

♪♪

How's this?

♪♪

-What the hell do you mean my
son's hanging around Windsor's?

I told that little bastard
that the mall was off limits.

-I know, sir, and I was gonna
escort him off the premises,

but I thought you might want
to handle it

a little more discretely.

-Discretely, huh?
Yeah.

I'll discretely kick his ass
out the exit door.

Hair alright?

-See you tomorrow, Sue.
-Good night, Terry.

[Indistinct conversations]

The store's closed.

-Oh, that's okay.

-Well, you'll have to
come back tomorrow.

We open first thing
in the morning.

-You know, I've seen you around
a lot lately,

and you are looking so good.

-The store's closed.

-[Grunts]

-You know,
you are really cute.

We could get to be friends.

Close friends.

-I think you'd better leave.

I've got to lock up.

-Maybe you need
some convincing.

-[Grunting]

-Baby, don't be like that.

You know, my dad
owns this place.

Could be helpful for you,
you know.

-You don't have a prayer,
asshole.

I'm calling security.
-Come here.

-Hey!

What the hell
are you doing in here?

-I'm looking for a job, Dad.

-You get the hell
out of my mall,

and I don't want
to see your face

until after
the opening ceremony.

-Okay, Dad.

-Teenagers, you know
how they are.

-Yeah.
Chip off the old block.

-I just want to get a catalogue.

-Alright.

-Who was that?
-I don't know.

Come on, let's get out of here.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-[Choking]

[Grunting]

♪♪

-Shut it off!

[Grunting]

♪♪

[Bones crack]

♪♪

-Now, listen, I've been thinking
about this all day,

piecing it together,
it's starting to make sense.

There's only one thing
left to find out,

and we can do that tonight.

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

I think I know
what's going on.

I just need to verify
some facts.

You have to tell me
what happened

at Eric's house that night.

-Peter, I can't.

-I know it's painful,
but if you ever want to get

to the bottom of this, you have
to tell me what happened.

♪♪

-We went to Eric's house
that night.

It was about 11 o'clock,
I think.

Remember how all the developers
had the houses condemned?

-Yeah?

-Well, they left a notice
on Eric's door.

God, he was so mad.

-These goddamn developers
are really pissing me off.

-They're still
bugging you guys?

-Yeah, they won't stop
hassling my mom and dad.

-Hey.

Let's not let it spoil
our evening, okay?

-Okay.

My parents are asleep.

[Both chuckle]

-He actually was really sweet
that night, though.

He gave me orchids.

And he played our song.

♪♪

-Mm.

-Thanks for the flowers.

It was nice.

-It's my pleasure.

♪♪

Are you sure you want
to hear this?

-Yeah, please go on.

♪♪

-Well, we were, you know...

You know.

♪♪

And -- and then all of a sudden,
it just happened.

-Do you smell something?

-[Screams]
-Oh, my God!

-Eric, be careful!

-Mom! Dad!

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

-Eric!
-Go, go!

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Screams] Eric!

-Hold on! Hold on!

-[Screaming]
[Roof thuds]

I can't reach you!

Eric saved me,
but he didn't get out.

[Screams]

I-I don't know. I mean,
I don't really remember.

I hit my head.

That's when I saw him.

[Sirens wailing in distance]

[Can clanking]

♪♪

It was so awful, Peter.

-Hey.

It's okay.

-[Sighs]

It's almost like a bad dream,
you know?

-Yeah.

I think I know what's going on.

See if this makes
any sense to you.

The guard with the earring has
got to be the guy that you saw

at Eric's house that night.

Now he's working here
at the mall, and nobody in

Mall Administration
seems to know who he is.

Somebody is covering up
for him.

But who?

-Posner?
-Posner.

-But why?

-Because Eric's family
wouldn't move out.

They must've hired the guard
with the earring

to torch Eric's house,
the guy you saw that night.

-But why would he come
around now?

♪♪

Peter.

What if Eric didn't
really die in that fire?

-It would explain
a lot of things.

The song on the jukebox,
the flowers.

-Yeah, and the dress in my car.

-There's one way to prove it.
-How?

-We see if Eric's really buried
at Walkers Grove.

The grave's empty,
we'll know he's alive.

-Peter, we can't.

-There's no other way.

-Oh, God!

♪♪

[Gun cocks]

-Out.

Get out.

Out.

Turn around.

You remember me, huh?
Huh?

I remember you.

What the hell
are you looking at?

You keep your eyes forward,
you hear me?

Yeah, you remember me.

We've been friends
for a long time.

You go first.

Argh!

[Grunts]

[Engine starts, revving]

♪♪

Volker to Unit Two.

Volker to Unit Two, in pursuit.

Southbound, six-yellow,
brown Chevy wagon.

-I'll head him off at
orange-three, maintain pursuit.

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

♪♪

-[Gasps] Peter, look out!

♪♪

-Cut 'em off!

♪♪

[Brakes squeaking]

♪♪

Oh, shit!
[Tires squealing]

Damn!

[Engine revving,
tires squealing]

♪♪

-[Gasps] Watch out!

♪♪

[Indistinct shouting]

[Tires squealing]

-Son of a...

♪♪

Shit!

♪♪

Shit!

[Banging on windshield]

♪♪

[Grunting]

[Coughing]

♪♪

[Explosion]

[Static]

♪♪

Oliver, my boy,
one final beer before showtime.

Now, listen to me.

I'm not trying to talk you
out of this thing.

I'm just trying
to let you know that

that behind me, that's the world
of a single man.

a world of endless
possibilities,

Like I said, I'm not trying
to talk you out of it.

I just want to make sure
that you're sure.

Are you sure?

[Bottle tinks]

-I'm Polly sure.

-That's my boy.

Well, in that case, listen.

You're not supposed
to do this anymore

because it's bad for the birds,

but tonight,
when you're in your room,

you're going to throw this rice

and you're going to
throw it to me.

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

♪♪

-I love that they managed
to get a complicated

three-car motor vehicle
chase into a movie

that takes place entirely
inside a mall.

Very imaginative use
of the parking garage,

especially well done
in a low budget movie,

because originally this movie

was supposed
to cost $4.2 million.

But Chuck Fries, the producer,
slashed that to $2 million.

And then the director,
Richard Friedman,

says he never
got that $2 million.

The budget was really $800,000.

So this was definitely a movie

designed to create
a franchise, though.

Chuck Fries said as much.

Chuck, he --

Chuck Fries,
he died just in 2021, I think.

But he had become known as
the godfather of the TV movie.

He made 140 or so TV movies,

stuff like
"The Martian Chronicles,"

"Leona Helmsley: Queen of Mean,"
"Woman on the Ledge,"

"Bitter Harvest," "LBJ,"
not that you'll remember those.

Nobody ever remembers
the names of TV movies,

but -- but all of these
were big ratings hits.

He also produced
5,000 series episodes,

several mini series,
40 theatrical films,

including big ones like
"Five Easy Pieces,"

"Easy Rider," "Castle Keep,"
"Troop Beverly Hills."

So anyway, he tried to do
the horror genre on TV.

In fact, he made a great one

called "Dark Night
of the Scarecrow."

We ought to show that some time.
-Yeah!

-Really? Yeah.
-Yeah!

-And -- but television
tastes limits.

You know, that limits
what you can do in horror.

So he knew that if he wanted
Fries Entertainment

to crack
into the horror boom,

he's going to have
to go theatrical.

And he had been involved
with cat people,

but he wanted in
on low budget horror.

And he gets this script
called "The Mall"

that was written
by Scott Schneid.

Scott Schneid
was this young guy

who had developed
"Silent Night, Deadly Night"

when he was an apprentice
at the William Morris Agency.

But then there's
a whole back story

about how it gets taken away
from Schneid

and it gets cut to ribbons
and all the subtlety

gets taken out of it.

Classic example
of non-horror people

trying to make
a horror movie,

and too many L.A. people
got involved saying

let's do this instead, you know,
for commercial reasons.

And so it got all cut up.
So, for example.

You don't really need
that Morgan Fairchild character.

That is just an excuse to put
Morgan Fairchild in the movie.

Morgan, she's a Dallas girl.

She worked in Dallas theater

and she worked in daytime
soaps in New York.

She worked in nighttime
soaps in L.A.

Probably her breakout role
was when she did

"Flamingo Road,"
but when this movie came out,

she was at the peak
of her popularity.

She was the only name actor
in the movie.

But you don't need her because
the real bad guy in the movie

is Posner, the mall owner
with the little shit son

who gets chewed up
by the elevator.

And Posner is played --

Does anybody recognize Posner?
Anybody recognize him?

Nobody ever recognizes him
from this movie.

He's The Most Interesting
Man in the World.

Jonathan --
-Shut up.

-Jonathan Goldsmith.
-Shut up.

-He was a veteran
character actor.

He had credits
going back to 1963,

but he didn't get the role
that he would become famous for

until he was 69 years old.

He played The Most Interesting
Man in the World for nine years

until Dos Equis retired
that commercial campaign

when Goldsmith turned 78.

He was still doing them at 78.

Everybody else in the movie
was an unknown,

including Pauly Shore.

Pauly Shore was still one year
away from getting the show

"Totally Pauly" on MTV.

Every time
I mention Pauly Shore,

people have extremely strong
"I hate him" opinions, you know?

And I'm not sure why.

I mean, the guy starred in five
big budget theatrical films.

Somebody liked him.

I mean, "Encino Man."

I mean, wasn't
that a good movie?

I mean, I've -- I've never seen
an audience turn on somebody

at that level, to get to be
that big and then that hated.

And actually, the role
of Buzz in this movie

is the most innocent role that
I've ever seen Pauly Shore play.

But, you know, I can
just give you one example.

Fangoria Magazine.

They went out of their way
years after this movie

came out to tell us
how much they hate

Pauly Shore in this role.

You know, what's with
the Pauly Shore vitriol?

You know, he's -- he's
not for everybody.

But, jeez, you know,

The director, Richard Friedman,
cast him

after seeing him
at the Comedy Store

on Sunset Boulevard one night
and just thinking

that he was perfect
for the character of Buzz.

The Comedy Store was, of course,
owned by Pauly Shore's

mother, Mitzi Shore.

And I think Pauly,
well, I think she took it away

from Pauly's father,
but his father was Sammy Shore.

Um, he was a stand-up comic.

He was the opening act for Elvis
for many years, actually.

Then we've got the investigative
photographer, Peter.

I don't think I've ever seen
an investigative photographer

in any movie.
[Laughter]

But anyway,
he's the Raoul character,

if we're making parallels
to the original

"Phantom of the Opera."

So he had to be
a handsome heartthrob,

and that's why
they hired Rob Estes.

-Oh, my God.

I had an extreme crush
on Rob Estes.

-Okay. One of your
many crushes, Darcy.

But -- and not just a crush.
This is an extreme crush.

-Extreme crush.

-Alright,
you're a crush monster.

But that just proves
how good their casting was

because they hit it
on the head.

I know where you watched
Rob Estes, though.

-"Silk Stalkings."
-Yeah.

And, you know, I was
gonna say "Silk Stalkings"

because "Silk Stalkings"
came on right after

WWF wrestling in the '90s.

-Oh, yeah, that's right.
-Alright.

And then there's
the two female leads,

Kari Whitman, who plays Melody.

She was a brand-new Playboy
playmate, Miss February 1988.

She had a very brief career.

But I do remember her
from "Chained Heat 2."

-Yeah.

-The only reason
actually that they shot

those Eric flashback scenes
in the bedroom

is so they could take advantage
of her Playboy fame.

And then her best friend,
Suzie,

is played by Kimber Sissons,
who was a fashion model.

She was the partner
of Richard Grieco.

I don't think
they ever got married,

but they had a kid together.

Okay.
I think we have now talked about

every single person
in this movie, so...

-Hello! Ken Foree.

-Ken Foree?!
We didn't talk about Ken Foree.

Oh, my God. Yes. I just saw Ken.
He's gonna kill me.

We forgot Ken Foree.

Ken Foree, um, this is 10 years
after he uttered

one of his most famous lines
in horror.

One of themost famous lines
in all of horror.

"When there's
no more room in Hell,

the dead will walk the earth" --

as the SWAT team officer
in "Dawn of the Dead."

In this movie,
he plays the chief mall cop.

Ken has been in everything --
"From Beyond, "Leatherface,"

"The Dentist," "Sleepstalker,"
"True Blood,"

"Devil's Rejects,"
Rob Zombie's "Halloween."

Ken has one
of the most extensive

acting careers
of anybody I know.

Everything -- He did
off-Broadway theater,

he did soap operas,
he's done big-budget thrillers.

Alright. Time to get back
to the suspenseful --

Actually, there's no suspense.

[ Laughter ]

We know who the killer is.

They make him -- But they make
him as bad-ass as possible

because Eric knows
how to use a crossbow.

He knows how to train
snakes to kill.

He knows how to make bombs.

He's a martial artist.
He's a boxer.

He's an expert in pyrotechnics,

video-surveillance gear,
escalator technology.

You know, there is
no way to beat Eric

because he lives
in the bowels of the mall.

He got burned up in a fire.

So he spent the last year
doing Navy SEAL training

in the back rooms of the mall.

I wonder what's gonna
happen to Eric, you know?

Alright, roll the movie.

Ahh. So are you proud
of me, Darcy?

-Proud of you for what?

-I think I did a whole segment
without a digression.

-Are you sure?

-I'm pretty sure.

All we talked about
was the movie.

No Vegas history.
No wedding-chapel history.

I didn't talk about
those special Liberace costumes

that they have that's in Michael
Jackson's Las Vegas mansion,

the Thriller Villa,

you know, where they only
let six people a day

go in there
to look at the stuff.

-You're making that up.

-I'm not gonna tell you whether
I'm making that up or not,

because then I would have
to go off on a digression

about Liberace and Michael
Jackson and the Thriller Villa.

So would you like me
to do that, Darcy?

-No, we're good.
We're good.

-Alright.
That's what I thought.

But write down the date
and time.

-Why?

-Because I'm gonna
remind you of this moment

when I made you happy.

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Look, look, Peter, maybe
we should think about this.

I mean, not only is
this illegal, it's sacrilegious.

-Only if he's in here.

-This place is giving me
the creeps.

♪♪

-You okay?

-Okay.

Here goes nothing.
[Grunts]

♪♪

-I knew it!

That was Eric tonight.

♪♪

And Mayor Wilton, I know
this may sound crazy,

but we believe that the house

was burned down
for the property.

We think that Posner's
responsible.

-Now, if that were true,
he would be guilty of murder.

That's a very heavy accusation.

-Eric Matthews is still alive.

-I want to believe you.

But this is hard to accept.

-Well, what can we do?

-Find Eric Matthews.

-God damn you!
What do you mean, they know?

If you had done your job right,

we wouldn't be in this mess
right now.

-I'll take care of it.

-Why don't you just wear
a friggin' sign, "I did it"?

So help me God,
that's coming off right now!

-Over my dead body,
it's coming off.

Hmm?

-Okay.

Do it tomorrow.

♪♪

-[Gasps]
-It's time, pretty lady.

-[Gasps]

♪♪

-[Blows]

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Coin jingles]

[Dialing]

-Hello?
-Peter, it's me.

I just saw Christopher.
[Screams]

-Melody?

-[Screaming]

[Grunting]

[Panting]

[Choking]

-Shh, shh, shh.

It's time, pretty lady.

-[Spits]

-[Groans]
-[Screaming]

No. No!

[Muffled screaming]

[Pop music playing
in background]

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Trash compactor whirring]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Oh, look at you.
Are you scared? Are you nervous?

Ooh. Are you feeling it yet?

That terrifying feeling
like panic.

All six times, I was terrified.
Ohh.

You know, marriage --
It's like --

It's like going down a mountain.

Yeah. It's like falling
down the mountain.

Like, like, you are
falling down a mountain,

like, at rapid speed.

And then just splat, like --
like through the earth.

It's -- Marriage is forever.

It is terrifying.

[Sighs] We need to get
to that chapel.

Let's go.

-Sorry. Did you say six times?

-Yeah. Six. Yeah.
All scary.

Huh. We're going.

♪♪

-Alright.
If I say heads are gonna roll,

heads are gonna roll.

The problem with trying
to start a horror franchise

with a "Phantom
of the Opera" story

is that for the phantom story
to work,

the killer has
to be sympathetic.

You know, he's truly in love.

He sacrifices his own life
for his beloved.

And that means
no sequel value to that.

You know, the script changes
were made

to actually make Eric more evil.

For example, the very first kill
of the movie -- innocent person.

So you already don't care
what happens to him

right at the beginning.

But the other weakness
of this story, I think,

is it was TV-movie people making
a feature because a TV movie,

you don't have to have
enormous suspense.

You know, will these people
live or die?

Will evil triumph over good?

Will she love the guy
that she should love?

Because they have seven
cliffhangers in the movie.

There are seven moments
in the movie

where there are smaller reasons
to continue watching.

So the payoff in the third act
can be minor

and you will still watch
to the end.

The only suspense question here

is what's the ultimate
psycho thing Eric will do?

And will he live or die
after he does it?

Because we certainly
don't care that much

whether she ends up
with Peter or not.

He's good looking
and he's sensitive

and he's smart and all that.

But come on,
it's not a Lifetime movie.

It's a great phantom story.

So we're waiting
for two moments --

the unmasking moment
and then the moment

when the Phantom realizes
he can never have her.

But we want that
to make us cry.

We don't want to go,
"Kill that fucking phantom.

He doesn't deserve her."

Because, you know, it is
supremely satisfying to watch

Eric Kung-fu the crap

out of that
George Michael-looking dude

with the metal earring

and then finish him off
that trash-compactor Fu.

But anyway, we got
a wedding coming up,

but I wanted to talk just
a little bit about the director

of "Phantom of the Mall,"
Mr. Richard Friedman.

Richard is one --
Richard is one of those guys

who didn't set out
to be a horror director,

but he got trapped.

He grew up in Brooklyn.

He actually started out
to be a medical student.

His parents wanted him
to be a doctor.

And he came home
from med school one day,

and he said,
"You know what, folks?

I want to go to NYU film school
instead of this."

And they said, "Okay."

And when it was time

to do his master's thesis film,
he thought,

"Why don't I just raise
a half million dollars

and make an actual feature,"

which is something
that happens only at NYU.

Out of all
the film schools in America,

there are some wealthy people
going to school there.

So he borrowed the money
from his father eventually

and made this feature called

"Death Mask,"
which is based on a true story,

and stars Farley Granger
as a crime investigator

who loses
his 10-year-old daughter

in a boating accident
right before he's assigned

to a case to solve the murder
of a 10-year-old boy.

So mostly because of that title,
"Death Mask,"

people assumed
it was a horror film.

And so he got hired
to do horror TV.

He flew to L.A.

He was quickly working on
"Tales from the Dark Side,"

"Friday the 13th, The Series,"

the series "Monsters,"
"Stephen King's Golden Tales,"

if anybody remembers that one.

And he kept getting
horror offers.

Some investors hired him to do
"Scared Stiff,"

ghost movie
with Andrew Stevens,

and "Doom Asylum," which was
shot in three weeks

in an abandoned insane asylum.

And then somehow his name
came up when Chuck Fries

was looking for a "Phantom
of the Mall" director.

So he was actually
a very seasoned director,

already a journeyman by the time

he made this movie when
he's still in his late 20s.

Later, he would do a lot
of late-night series

like "Baywatch Nights,"
"Silk Stalkings,"

creating stories for Rob Estes,
who plays Peter in this movie,

and Sergeant Lorenzo
in "Silk Stalkings,"

causing Darcy to go
into paroxysms of lust.

-True.

-To prove that Eric is alive,

they dig up his coffin.

[Laughter]

So I mean, you know,
his parents are dead, right?

Who pretended to bury him
last year?

Who bought that coffin?

And why did they
bury the coffin?

And, um...

Or did Eric buy a coffin
and hire some actors

to go to a graveside service
for an empty coffin?

Because wasn't he in
the burn unit at Cedars-Sinai?

I mean, he -- he -- he had some
major, you know, face damage.

And how did he get
that apartment at the mall?

You know, because
they're building the mall

in the last year.

And if his house was burned down
by evil developers

who needed the land
for the mall,

how did they build
that mall in one year?

And did Eric -- Where was Eric
in that one year?

Did he just hide
in a pile of leaves,

you know, while they were
building the mall?

Do you know the answer to any
of these questions, Darcy?

-I do not.

-Do you care?
-I do not.

-Okay. Because it's --
It's fun, right?

-Fun.

Okay.
Back to the movie.

Las Vegas actively promotes
weddings here.

You know? They've got
city employees that do nothing

but help celebrities
get married here.

Wedding tourism is a $2 billion
per year business.

18,000 jobs attached
to weddings in Vegas,

75 wedding chapels.

And that's only
the freestanding wedding chapels

that are not attached
to the resorts

because they have
wedding chapels, too.

-Are you done?
-Last February, they issued

the 5 millionth
Vegas marriage license,

and three of those
are Mickey Rooney,

because Mickey Rooney got
married three times in Vegas.

He was doubling down, you know,
and he was tripling down.

Still crapped out, though.

[Laughter]

That third marriage
didn't turn out any better

than the first one.

You know
the first celebrity wedding

that they --
that they had in Vegas?

-I know it wasn't
Elvis and Priscilla.

-No, Elvis and Priscilla --

Elvis and Priscilla
is the most famous one.

I think everyone
would agree on that.

But there was one in 1932.
-You stumped me.

-Clara Bow,
the "It" girl in the movies.

She got married to Rex Bell.

-Who's Rex Bell?

-He was a cowboy actor, but --

but nobody cared.

Nobody cared about Rex Bell.

It was the "It" girl
finally getting married.

And they actually
became ranchers around here.

They -- they -- they had 400,000
acres in the Mojave Desert.

-Now are you done?

-Not really because --
-You should be.

Rex Bell became the lieutenant
governor of Nevada after --

-Stop. Just stop.
-You asked about Rex Bell.

-And I regret that.

-Okay.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Indistinct conversations,
pop music playing]

♪♪

-Hey, Pete.
-Look, have you seen Melody?

-No, not since this afternoon.
What's going on?

-I think she might be in
trouble. I gotta find her.

-Look, I've got an idea.
-I gotta go.

-It really is a good idea.

-We're relying on this party
to impress the investors.

-I understand.

-So, I think it would be best

if security
was a little less conspicuous.

-Yes, sir.

♪♪

-Suze...
-Buzz, what are you doing here?

-Listen, we gotta find Melody.

She's in some big trouble.

Look, I'm sorry, pal.

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Clattering]

♪♪

-Hello, Eric.

[Weights clang]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

I'm sorry about the way I look.

-I always knew you were alive.

I knew it!

You were watching over me,
weren't you?

-Yeah.

Nobody will ever hurt you,
Melody.

Nobody.
I won't allow it.

-Please don't be afraid.

♪♪

-Oh, Melody.

I always knew
we'd be together again.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Classical music playing]

-Excuse me, Mayor.

-Oh, yes.
Excuse me just a moment.

Peter, anything?
-No.

Look, have you seen Melody?

-No, not since last night.
Why?

-I think Melody
might be in trouble.

-Mayor, I think some people
need your attention.

Please excuse us.
-Um...um, Peter, keep me posted.

-Yeah.

-Jesus!

Buzz, what kind of
ridiculous thing are you up to?

-[Shushing]

We gotta get him out of here.

I got an idea.

Shh, shh, shh.
Now be quiet.

-[Sighs]

I'm glad that's over.

-I'm not.

Okay, come on, we did it.
Now let's just get out of here.

Okay, come on, come on.

Shh, shh, shh.
Okay, now, look.

See, there's cameras everywhere.

If she's in the mall,
we're gonna find her.

Just...right here.

♪♪

Come on.
Come on, baby.

♪♪

-Hold it, Buzz.
-What?

-Those keys on the floor.

-Come on.
Let's get out of here.

-Is this where you've been
the whole time?

-Yeah. Told you I had a place
below my house.

You know, a place I used
to work out, hang out...

It was my special place.

Well, this is it.

Well...
Well, what's left of it.

Let me show you something.

Okay? Wait right here.
Let me show you something.

[Water dripping]

♪♪

They're for you.

♪♪

Purple was always
your favorite color.

Put it on for me.

-I'm sorry, Eric, I can't.

-I got this for you!

I got this all for you!

-I can't,

♪♪

-It's him, isn't it?

Isn't it?!

[Hangers clattering]

Remember when we were kids?

Remember that?

When we vowed that we would
always be together,

that we would never let
anything tear us apart?

Well, I respected that vow!

-I'm sorry, Eric,
things have changed.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations,
classical music playing]

-Buzz!
The keys.

Why is the vent open?

-Do you think she...?
-Come on, she must have.

Let's go.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

-Hello?!

Hello?!

Can anybody hear me?!

-Oh, yeah.

[Indistinct conversations,
classical music playing]

[Laughs]
Oh, this is delicious!

♪♪

-Oh, this looks good, very good.

-Time to make money.

Lots of money.
-Thank you.

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Static]

-Alright, everybody. It's
wedding time, it's wedding time.

This is gonna be the greatest
televised wedding since Tiny Tim

married Miss Vicki on
"The Tonight Show" in the '60s.

Alright? Come on.
Shelby, you first.

Oliver, you keep your eyes
closed, buddy.

You don't want bad luck
for all eternity, okay?

It's bad luck to look at her.
Alright?

Shelby, come on. You first.
Let's get in there now.

Now, family and friends.
Come on. Shuffle in, shuffle in.

This is a wedding.

[Chanting "Wedding"]

Come on. Come on. Alright.
Hey. Hey, Oliver.

I see you peeking, man.
I told you. Bad luck.

Oh, wait, wait.
Watch the rhinestones.

Alright, this way.
This way.

Hey, hey, hey.
You ready for this?

You ready?
Keep your eyes closed.

Because if you don't, it's gonna
be bad for both of you.

Alright.
Come on. Come on, come on.

I'm gonna get in first,
and then you slam the door.

Let's do this thing.

♪♪

-So Eric rigs the bomb
to blow up the mall

and sets the timer
for 31 minutes?

How could there even be
31 minutes left in the movie?

If you do a ticking-bomb thing,

you've got to make it
an impossible time frame.

People can earn college degrees
in 31 minutes.

You know, this should have been,
like, 9 minutes max, you know?

Anyway, the big moment
where Melody meets Eric was...

It was kind of lame,
don't you think?

I mean, that's --
that's what we're waiting for.

She walks over to him.

He's doing a lat pull down
with his back to her.

And then after he turns around,
he just goes,

"Okay, here you go, baby.
Here's my face. No mask."

You know, there's no --
There's no hesitation.

There's no trembling hand.

He just whips that sucker off.

And at first she didn't care.

She still -- She loves the guy,
you know, until he says,

"I always knew
we'd be together again."

And she's like,
"Hey, I love you,

but not enough
to look at your face

for the rest of my life,"
you know?

So things have changed.

That's changing
the Phantom story

in a big way, you know,

because what's changed
between them?

Nothing's changed.
She -- she doesn't know.

She doesn't know
what he's been doing.

You know.

You know, she's been
telling everybody in the mall

she's been heartbroken
ever since Eric died.

Well, here he is, you know?

But it's a really strange moment

where you don't know why he's
so anxious to show his face

and you don't know why she's
so anxious to blow him off.

Because he has
a mangled face, I guess.

I mean, she doesn't even say,
"We'll talk about it later."

It's just, "Nope, you're
mangled. I'm out of here."

Also how come every time

somebody sees
an air-conditioning vent,

they just have to jump in

and start crawling around
in the ventilation system?

Alright. Welcome back to "Joe
Bob's Vicious Vegas Valentine,"

and, Darcy, we are almost
at the end of this thing,

and then we'll be bringing out
our engaged couple

and their families

and we'll do the very first
"Last Drive-In" wedding.

-I can't wait.

-And do you like weddings?
-Usually, no,

but I have officiated
at two weddings myself.

-You did the weddings?
You were the priest?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay.

Well, I'm sure
you do it better than me.

But what are you gonna --
What are the roles here?

What are you gonna do
while I'm marrying

the celebrity couple?

-Moral support?

-Moral support. Great. Okay.

Did you ever see the movie
"The Miracle of Morgan's Creek"?

-I don't think so.
-No?

It's a Preston Sturges comedy
from the '40s.

-Oh, then no.

-It's the same guy
who did "Sullivan's Travels,"

"The Palm Beach Story,"
"The Great McGinty,"

many other great comedies.

So "The Miracle
of Morgan's Creek"

is one of the top 10 movies

in the history of film,
in my opinion.

I mean, I don't know
anybody else who thinks this,

but the reason
I'm bringing it up

is it was about all the soldiers
in World War II

who got married in some
quickie roadside chapel

on the night before they were
shipped off to war.

And a lot of times,
they married girls

that they met that same night.

And there weren't

that many quickie
roadside chapels in 1942,

but there were three in Vegas.

There was the Little Church
of the West.

That was the first
freestanding wedding chapel.

There was Weekirk
o' the Heather,

and there was the Hitching Post.

And weddings in Las Vegas
increased by 145%

in the year 1942

because everybody
was rushing off to war.

And I mean, they were like,
"Well, if I'm gonna die,

I want to die with benefits
for some random girl."

I mean, that's the only thing.

I mean, I'm not sure
why they did it.

It made them feel better,
you know,

it made everybody feel better.

I guess so they would have
something to come back to.

-Are you starting
another long speech

right at the climax
of the movie?

-No. This is gonna
be a short speech.

I'm starting a short speech
at the climax of the movie.

So that's in 1942.

And then for two decades,

Vegas becomes more and more
famous as a wedding destination

because you got the Rat Pack,
you got The Sands, the Flamingo,

the Desert Inn, the Thunderbird,
Caesar's Palace.

And suddenly in the mid '60s,
people start coming to Vegas

to get married
for the opposite reason.

So they won't have to --
They won't have to go to war.

They don't want to go
to Vietnam

because married men
were not eligible for the draft.

But then LBJ changed the law

and the new law took effect
on August 26, 1965.

So if you're trying
to avoid military service,

you had to get married
by midnight on August 26.

So these guys head to Vegas
and they grab whoever

and they get married.

There was a justice of the peace

down at the
Clark County Courthouse

who performed 67 weddings
in the 3 hours

before midnight on August 26.

And then there were
still long lines of people

outside waiting to get married,

worried that they'd missed
the deadline.

So he covered up the clocks
so he could claim legally

that he didn't know
what time it was

and he let people continue
to get married until dawn.

So -- But then -- So this --

The whole country
knew about this.

And so they knew that --
People suddenly knew

that if you ever need
to get married,

Vegas is the place
that will take care of you.

Just like -- Just like
you're gonna help me tonight

when we do this wedding.
Alright, Darcy?

Because you've done these
before.

-Are you worried?

-I'm a little nervous. Yeah.

-You're gonna be great.

-Alright, back to the movie.

What do you think the second
most famous Vegas wedding was?

Because no question --
Elvis and Priscilla --

that's the most famous one.

But what is the second?

-What are the choices?

-Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.

-That didn't last.

-No, they don't have to last.

They don't have to last
to be famous.

I mean, if you want examples
that lasted,

Kirk Douglas and Anne Buydens
got married in Vegas.

Anne Buydens was
a film producer,

and they were married,
like, 70 years or something.

-That has got to be the record.

-Paul Newman
and Joanne Woodward,

they were married in Vegas
at the El Rancho --

at the dude ranch, you know.

But I actually think
the short-lived ones

are more famous.
-Like what?

-Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.

Oh, Billy Bob Thornton
and Angelina Jolie.

What was that one like?

That was, like,
a 2-month marriage.

So Dennis Rodman
and Carmen Electra.

-Oh, I vote for that one.

-Britney Spears
and Jason Alexander.

-Most popular or most famous?

-I say most famous.

The most famous Vegas wedding.

-Cindy Crawford
and Richard Gere.

-That's a good one.

But the short ones
are better, like...

Judy Garland married
one of her husbands here.

Rita Hayworth married
some guy here.

-Some guy.

-Well, I mean, Elizabeth Taylor
married somebody in Vegas.

But, see, I think -- I think
both people have to be famous

or it doesn't count
on the top 10, right?

-Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

-That was just, like, yesterday,
right?

Was that in Vegas?

-Yeah. The Vegas Wedding Chapel.
-Okay.

So which one are you going with

for second-biggest
Vegas wedding?

-I vote Dennis Rodman
and Carmen Electra.

-Okay.
That one is hard to beat.

I'm gonna go with
Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.

-Okay.

-But all those long-lasting
ones, those are boring.

-Agreed.

-But we shouldn't be talking
like this

because we are
christening newlyweds.

-Mutants have a good
track record for marriage.

-There's actually some truth
in that. Yeah.

A lot of mutant married couples
come up to us at conventions.

-Yeah. But I think
we've said enough about this.

-Yes, we have run this
into the ground

and stomped all over it.

-Yes, we have.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-We have absolutely no idea
where we're going

or what we're doing.

There must be a billion vents
that lead to God knows where.

-Look, Suze, we're just acting
on a hunch, alright?

I mean, cops do it all the time.
Let's just...

-Great! Now which way?

♪♪

[Knocking]

♪♪

[Knocking]

♪♪

[Knocking]

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

-Aah! No! Eric, no!

-Shut up!

You're not going anywhere.

-Eric, I don't belong here.

-I got this all for you, Melody,
so we could be together.

-Eric, I can't stay here.

-You willstay here!

I won't let you go...ever!

-Eric, I can't!

I have a life up there.

-No! No!

Without me, you have no life.

-Aah!

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

Once I've destroyed what's
above, I'll join you here.

Then we'll be together...
forever.

-You can't.

-Too late.

Soon it'll all be blown
to shreds and them with it.

-A bomb?

Eric, no!

You can't!
-It's done.

It's done.

♪♪

[Clangs]

♪♪

[Snake hisses]

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

-You're insane.

-I will have my revenge,
Melody.

And not you or anybody else
is gonna do anything about it.

They'll pay
for what they've done.

I'm only sorry...

you won't be sharing it with me.

♪♪

[Clanging]

-Melody!

♪♪

-No! Eric!

♪♪

No! No, Eric!

I love him!

No! I love him!

♪♪

The flames are blocking
the exit.

How are we gonna
get out of here?

-And as proud as we are
of Midwood Mall,

it won't be complete
until we finish

the Midwood Monumental Spire.

♪♪

-[Screams]
[Snake hisses]

♪♪

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

[Gasps]

-Grab on to it.

-We all want to see this one
last section lit

as a symbol to Midwood,
of the prosperity

we hope this represents
for generations to come.

♪♪

-Hear something?

♪♪

-It sounds like it's
really coming...

-Buzz!

-Thank you all very much.

Thanks so much
for your support.

Now, just keep it up!

-And we're delighted
that you were able

to share this
momentous occasion with us.

Thank you, have a good time!

[Beeping]

-We'd better go warn everybody.

-Look, there's Karen.
Hi, Karen. Look...

-What happened to you?

-We've got to evacuate
the place. There's a bomb.

-Now, I can't let you wreck
this nice party, can I?

Just turn around...

and head back the way
you just came.

-Look, just come on!

Get in here.

Go, go, go, go.

-You mean you know how to drive
one of these things?

-I'm a quick learner.

Okay, what's this part?

Okay, this is the ignition.

[Engine starts, revving]

-Posner was supposed to take
care of this earlier today.

Of course he botched it.

-You and Posner?
Why?

-Because I'm a major stockholder
in this mall.

That means major profits!

This is my ticket out of here.

[Sighs]

And who do you think
covered up for the arson?

Posner?

-Listen, there's still
a bomb in this mall.

-A bomb underneath the mall.
Oh, come on!

You're gonna have to do better
than that.

[Gasps]

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Crowd murmuring]

[All gasp]

-Excuse me, please!
Excuse me!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

-Look! Up there!

-Look, up there!
-Another one?

-Who is it?
-Call the police!

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Beeping]

-Ladies and gentlemen,
please don't panic,

but the mall must be evacuated
immediately

due to a bomb threat.

Please move calmly and carefully
to the nearest exit.

Start at Sam Goody's,
Sleuth's, Windsor Fashion.

The police have been notified.

Please move calmly
and carefully.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please don't panic,

but the mall must be
evacuated immediately

due to a bomb threat.

-Wait! Wait!
Don't leave!

This is --
Everything's gonna be alright.

This is just a publicity stunt.

Wait! Please!

-No! No!

[Crying] No!

No, please!

No! Aah!

-Melody, no!
Hang on!

-[Screams]

Help me!

No!

Help! Help!

Peter! Peter!

Help!

[Gunshot]

♪♪

-Kill that son of a bitch!

[Gunshot]

♪♪

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

-[Groaning]

♪♪

Posner!

[Yelling]

♪♪

Look what you did to me!

-Eric? Eric...

Look, we can compromise.

Eric, it's -- it's --

it's a terrible
misunderstanding.

-You lying bastard!

-I have a lot of money.
Eric, I have a lot of money.

I'll make a cash settlement
with you.

Anything!
Eric, we can work this out.

I have --
I have a lot of money, Eric.

Eric, I'm really sorry.

Look, I may have made
some mistakes.

I said some bad things.

I'll eat my words!

-Eat this!

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Aaaaah!

♪♪

-Hop on, this place is
gonna blow any second.

Get in here.

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Beeping]

Holy shit!

[Explosion]

[Police radio chatter]

-I've never seen anything like

the total devastation
of Midwood's proud new mall.

It exists no more.

It's been almost one hour
since the explosion...

-Looks like Eric got
what he wanted.

-Yeah?

I did better than that.

I got you.

[Radio chatter]

♪♪

["Is There a Phantom in the
Mall?"by The Vandals plays]

-♪ Don't need
to drive to Bexley ♪

♪ To get the things I need ♪

♪ Don't got much in this town ♪

♪ But it's been
good enough for me ♪

♪ Don't need no frozen yogurt ♪

♪ Don't want no GHQ ♪

♪ Just want a chance
to grow up ♪

♪ In the same town
where I met you ♪

♪ Is there a phantom
in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom
of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard
in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪♪

♪ Typical too-smooth salesmen ♪

♪ Ain't my idea of fun ♪

♪ I can pick up my boots
and trousers ♪

♪ Down where I get my gun ♪

♪ Almost everything here ♪

♪ Is here to make me sick ♪

♪ Except those foxy outfits ♪

♪ They wear
at Hotdog on a Stick ♪

♪ Is there a phantom
in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom
of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard
in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪♪

♪ Phase one, sorry, son ♪

♪ You're in the way,
now you're out, well done! ♪

♪ Phase two, the Mayor's boobs ♪

♪ I like both of 'em,
how about you? ♪

♪ Phase three,
four stories high ♪

♪ A place to shop
and a place to die ♪

♪ Phase four, the final stage ♪

♪ Fix them ties
at the minimum wage ♪

♪ Is there a phantom
in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom
of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard
in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪ First floor,
the power of zoom ♪

♪ Checking on cleavage
in the dressing room ♪

♪ Floor two, the place to be ♪

♪ The girls aren't a day
over twelve or thirteen ♪

♪ Third floor,
I've seen it before ♪

♪ He's out for blood,
now he's out for more ♪

♪ Top floor,
two months pass quick ♪

♪ I need that like
a snake on my... ♪

♪ Ow! Is there a phantom
in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom
of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard
in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪♪

♪ Don't need to drive
to Bexley ♪

♪ To get the things I need ♪

♪ Don't got much in this town ♪

♪ But it's been good enough
for me ♪

♪ Don't need no frozen yogurt ♪

♪ Don't want no GHQ ♪

♪ Just want a chance
to grow up ♪

♪ In the same town
where I met you ♪

♪ Is there a phantom
in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom
of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or just some retard
in a broken hockey mask? ♪

[Static]

-Okay. So Las Vegas PD

is escorting the couple
into the building.

No? W-Where's Yuki?

-He's parking cars.

-Parking cars? There --

There aren't any cars, and
there's no place to park cars.

-He said he wanted to help.
I don't know.

-Remember that time
he went up in the tree

and he wouldn't come down?

I mean, you don't send Yuki out
to park cars.

He's probably halfway to the
Bellagio looking for the cars.

Okay, well, while we're waiting
for the wedding party to arrive,

just a couple of things
about the ending

of "Phantom of the Mall:
Eric's Revenge,"

which turns out to be a title

that not only gives away
the killer,

but is untrue because Eric
doesn't really get his revenge.

You know, first of all, people
say, you know, "That's weird

that they would have a gala,
society fundraiser in the mall."

Not true.
I was one of the guests

at a gala, society fundraiser
in a mall,

and the other guest
was Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

And it was in
the nicest mall in Milwaukee.

And that was unfortunately
the only time

that Joe Bob Briggs
and Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

appeared
on the same stage together.

You know, hard to believe,
right?

But Douglas was -- Actually
Douglas was not happy

about sharing the stage

with a drive-in movie critic
from Texas.

But -- But they had
a fashion show.

Everybody was informal wear.

You have no idea how big malls
were in the '80s.

Secondly, Morgan Fairchild
pulls a gun in that climax.

Really?
Because she's a stockholder?

I mean, but most important,
you know, I hope you were

listening to that great song
over the closing credits.

"Is There a Phantom in the Mall"
by the punk band The Vandals.

And it includes the line,
"Is he the Phantom of the Mall

or just some retard
in a broken hockey mask?"

And they repeat that line over
and over and over again

because it's in the chorus.

And then in the bridge,

they're going, "Floor one,
floor two, floor three,"

enumerating what they like
about the mall

and, "Floor two,
the mayor's boobs.

I like both of them.
How about you?"

It has to be
one of the greatest,

most politically incorrect
drive-in mutant theme songs

in the history of punk
and of '80s film.

Darcy, what do you think
about immortalizing

Morgan Fairchild's boobs
in a punk song?

-She should be honored.

-Okay.
You know a lot of musicians.

Have your boobs
ever been immortalized in song?

-Oh, man, I am still trying
to reach that level.

-Okay. I'm sure you'll make it.

And Joe Escalante
wrote that song.

He was the main writer for
The Vandals and the bass player.

He said it came along
in a period

when The Vandals
wanted to be,

"pure punk for punk sake"
because they were getting sick

of the commercialization
of punk.

And so they took the money
from Fries Entertainment

and they said,
"Here's your song.

We don't care
if you ever use it or not."

And surprisingly, Fries did
use it over the end credits

and is kind of notorious today.

Vandals fans are always
trying to find, like,

a perfect copy of it.

But Escalante used that money
to buy a house

and go to law school.

And today, he's a highly
respected TV executive.

He produced "True Nightmares."

Have you ever seen
"True Nightmares"?

That's a true-crime series
on Discovery ID.

He's also written a lot
of scripts for shows

like "Buried in the Backyard"
for the Oxygen Network,

"In Search of Monsters"
for the Travel Channel.

Joe Escalante wrote that.

"Curse of Oak Island"
for the History Channel.

He should've been hired
to write "Phantom of the Mall,"

actually, because in the version
we have now,

all the main characters
are saved

when the mall explodes
because Pauly Shore

steals a motorcycle
with a sidecar.

I mean, they just don't
write 'em like that anymore.

So what did you
think of the film?

-I mean, it's not what
you could call "great cinema."

It's kind of silly,
but it's, like, a time capsule

of mall culture.

And I will watch
any phantom movie.

It's one of the all-time
great horror stories.

-Okay.

-You have Pauly Shore
slinging yogurt.

I mean, what could be more '80s?

-Okay. That's actually
a pretty good summary

of the movie.

I'm told that the original
script was much better.

So much better,

the writers were still
trying to get people

to read it years
after the movie came out

because -- "Hey,
that wasn't our movie."

They were very upset
about whatever went on

in pre-production.

But, yeah, the mall-culture
thing kind of saves it.

Not many people know
that you could buy

military-grade flamethrowers
at the mall in the '80s,

like the one Eric uses
to kill the --

to kill the most interesting man
in the world.

Oh, "Phantom of the Mall" --

It had a limited
theatrical release.

They did that thing where
they put nurses in the lobby,

giving people
blood-pressure tests

to see if they can
handle the terror.

You know, that's another thing
that makes me think

Fries Entertainment had kind of
an outdated view of horror,

and they really didn't know
what they were doing.

But the reviews of it
were pretty negative.

It was not a hit.

Chuck Fries gave up on having
a low-budget horror franchise.

Alright.
Are we doing mailbag tonight

even though we're in Vegas?
-Yes, we are.

-Alright.
We got so much to do.

-But you need to read this one.

It's from Justin and Michelle.
Remember them from Nebraska?

He proposed
at one of your shows.

-The couple in Portland
at The Hollywood Theatre.

He surprised her
by proposing on stage.

And they had driven
all the way from...

-Yes.
-...Nebraska.

-There is now more
to that story.

-Okay. "Dear Joe Bob,

Michelle and I got married

at the KISS Rock 'N Roll
Wedding Chapel in Vegas.

[Laughter]

Among others were my two sons

and her 70--
and her 73-year-old mom,

who you'd swear was 40.

Mom had never been to Vegas
and was just blown away.

And Jake, my 13-year-old,
was my best man.

The wedding invites
looked like concert tickets,

and we included guitar picks
in the invites,

because at the chapel,
you don't throw rose petals,

you throw guitar picks.

The wedding cake was made to
look like Gene Simmons's boots

and the "mini-ster" --
little person -- was dressed

as Frank-N-Furter
from "Rocky Horror."

Pure coincidence.

I was talking about the ceremony

on the "Rocky Horror" Facebook
fan page,

and I was contacted
by the Vegas chapter.

The night of the wedding,

they were screening the movie,
and I was invited.

So with my 73-year-old
mother-in-law

and still in wedding attire,

we went and watched "Rocky
Horror" with a sold-out crowd.

In my wildest dreams, I couldn't
have imagined this stuff.

Well, I think I've taken up
enough of your time.

Thank you again for
letting me propose on stage.

Big, manly hug.
Justin Farell,

Alliance, Nebraska,
home of Carhenge."

You know what Carhenge is?

Where they plant the cars
in the ground.

And home of "Children of the
Corn" -- Alliance, Nebraska.

That's a great letter.

A very, very appropriate
letter for tonight.

Congratulations,
Justin and Michelle.

I didn't realize KISS had
their own wedding chapel.

You know Gene Simmons, right?
-I do.

-One of your crushes?
One of your...?

-No.
-No?

-Yeah. That's it.

-That's it?

Is there more to that story?

-Yeah, there is.

-Later?
-Later. Later.

-Okay. Alright.

I'm getting nervous
because we're about to have

a Vegas wedding,
and, um, I'm the "mini-ster."

Like, the guy from --
Like Frank-N-Furter.

I don't want to screw this up.

I officiated at
a funeral one time,

but I've never done a wedding.

Not that they're connected,

but I think funerals
are easier, though.

-Why?

-Well, because everybody's
crying and the main person

is in a box,
so you don't really have to...

-Well, this is not
a traditional wedding.

-No, it's pretty much
the weirdest wedding

anybody ever had,
because the movie we're showing

during the wedding is
"Necromantic."

-What's wrong with that?

-Well, we're showing a movie

about a guy who likes sex
with dead bodies

and everyone in his family
is gonna be here.

-Oh, it's gonna be fine.

-Have you been
to a lot of weddings?

-I've been to a lot
of bachelor parties.

-That doesn't count.

Oh, yeah.
Okay, let's get down to it.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs
here for Darcy the Mail Girl

and the Last Drive-In family,

reminding you
that you are unique,

just like everybody else.

And the drive-in will never die.

What do cannibals do
at a wedding?

Toast the bride and groom.

-Yay.

-I have more.

-Of course you do.

-What's long and hard
and full of semen?

-I mean, you want me
to answer that?

-A submarine.
-Oh, okay.

-How do you get a one-armed man
out of a tree?

Wave.
-Oh, man.

Your jokes just keep
getting worse and worse.

-I know. I know.

What's the difference
between a Greyhound terminal

and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station,

and the other is
a busty crustacean.

-Oh, no, no.

-No?
-No.

-One more?
-No.

-Why does a mermaid
wear seashells?

-No.

-Because she outgrew
her "B" shells.

-I said no.
-Okay.

[Static]

♪♪

[Static]