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1
00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:04,570
- Hey.
There they are.
2
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,271
How was the carnival?
3
00:00:06,273 --> 00:00:08,607
- Uncle robert threw up.
- On a ride.
4
00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:13,078
- Oh, robert.
5
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:17,016
- He was on one
of the spinning rides.
6
00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:20,252
He nailed 11 people.
7
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:26,692
- I had to buy a guy
a shirt.
8
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,160
- Hey, guess what.
9
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,194
That was my college
on the phone.
10
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:30,362
They want to give me a degree.
11
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,331
- I thought
you had a degree.
12
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:35,100
- Yeah, what the hell
were we paying for?
13
00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:36,602
- It's another one.
14
00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:38,604
They call it
a honorary doctorate.
15
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,340
- Oh!
- Oh!
16
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:44,710
- I might throw up again.
17
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,311
- Oh, my god!
18
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,380
Raymond,
you're a doctor!
19
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,249
- A doctorate, ma.
20
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:52,351
They call it
a doctorate of letters.
21
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:55,054
- That is so great,
honey, aww...
22
00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:58,323
- Wow, ray,
congratulations!
23
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:01,827
We are so happy
for you.
24
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:03,662
- How much do they charge
for this?
25
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,531
- Nothing.
- Yeah, right.
26
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,499
No contribution at all?
27
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,101
Let me
tell you something--
28
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:12,638
Education is
the biggest scam going.
29
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,774
- Dr. Raymond albert barone.
30
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,210
- Yeah, yeah.
31
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,611
- Hey, doctor,
I got a mole
32
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,581
You should take a look at
on my backside.
33
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:32,758
- Well, you must be
my 9:30.
34
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:37,396
- Mm-hmm.
35
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:40,165
So what's your diagnosis?
36
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:41,400
- I don't know yet.
37
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,302
I might have to put
my healing hands
38
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,572
On your love-starved body.
- Ooh.
39
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:47,806
Oh, doctor.
40
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,576
Dr. Ray.
41
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,512
- What?
What?
42
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,715
- No, it's just funny
calling you doctor.
43
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:59,485
- It's not that funny.
44
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:04,123
- Dr. Raymond barone, ph.D.
45
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,558
- All right, stop it.
46
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,193
Come on, you know
how I feel
47
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:11,897
About laughing
during sex.
48
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,532
- You have to admit,
you're not
49
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:16,702
The most professorial
kind of guy.
50
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:18,704
- I can be
exceedingly professorial.
51
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:19,905
- No, I know.
52
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,307
I was just remembering
that time
53
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:25,911
You read the word
"stoma-cha-chuh."
54
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,414
- What's your point?
55
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:32,584
- You read
"stoma-cha-chuh."
56
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:36,255
And the word
really is...
57
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:39,725
- Stomachache.
58
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,735
- I am just
teasing you.
59
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:50,736
- Yeah, right.
60
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,171
- No, come on.
61
00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:53,739
Come on,
kiss me again.
62
00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:57,509
Hey, for once, I don't have
a "head-ah-cha-chuh."
63
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,311
- All right, forget it.
- No, I'm kidding.
64
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,680
- You know, you're just like
robert and my father.
65
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,382
You don't think
I deserve this.
66
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:06,351
- No, of course,
I think you deserve this.
67
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,220
- Even though I'm an idiot.
- Yes.
68
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:11,323
No, no,
I don't believe that.
69
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,859
No, you're very smart.
You deserve this.
70
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,694
You're gonna do great.
71
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,330
- What do you mean,
"do great"?
72
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,731
- When you give
your speech.
73
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,569
Well, you--
74
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,939
You knew you had
to give a speech, right?
75
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:33,278
Ray, when they give you
an honorary diploma,
76
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,947
You give a speech.
77
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:38,417
- In front of people?
78
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:41,486
- Well, it's not
a speech otherwise.
79
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:46,558
It's just a crazy man.
80
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,293
- Oh, my god.
81
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,595
- Honey, you'll do fine.
82
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,897
- No, I won't!
83
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,365
They're gonna expect me
to be smart
84
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,766
In front of smart people
85
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,501
And say smart things,
and I'm not smart,
86
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,403
You know it, and I know it.
We all know it.
87
00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,972
Who am I kidding?
88
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:02,608
- Ray, come out.
89
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,776
- No!
90
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,679
I'm never coming out,
so you're free to remarry.
91
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:12,551
- Ray...
- Just...
92
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:16,989
Remember I can hear you
in here.
93
00:04:16,991 --> 00:04:20,025
- Honey, listen...
94
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:24,930
They want you because
you're good at what you do.
95
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,565
They want the students
to see someone
96
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:29,001
Who loves his work
and is a success.
97
00:04:29,003 --> 00:04:30,969
You don't have to sound
like a professor.
98
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,305
What they want
is ray barone.
99
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:34,806
You give them that,
100
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:37,276
And I promise
they will love you.
101
00:04:45,918 --> 00:04:46,985
- Yeah?
102
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,588
- Positive.
103
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:59,498
Ooh, I'm feeling
feverish, doctor.
104
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,867
- Oh, yes.
Yes, you are.
105
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:04,403
I think you might have
caught something
106
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,004
From the rest
of the cheerleading squad.
107
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,673
- Oh, yes.
108
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,379
- Step into my office.
- Ooh!
109
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:19,818
So much fun.
110
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,720
Just bring back memories
and, you know...
111
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,790
- Oh, wasn't that
wonderful?
112
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,106
- It was pretty good, right?
Yeah.
113
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,874
- All the money
on that damn college,
114
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:46,545
They can't put a cushion
on a folding chair?
115
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,448
My mole is killing me!
116
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,682
- Bobby, are you sure
117
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,084
You got a picture
of raymond
118
00:05:52,086 --> 00:05:53,618
Shaking the dean's hand?
119
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:54,920
- I'm sure, mom.
120
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:56,922
- And pictures of me
kissing raymond?
121
00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:59,958
- We have enough
to make wallpaper.
122
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,095
- Hey, listen, guys,
all right, now that we're here,
123
00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:04,763
Really, tell me,
124
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,698
How was my speech?
125
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,667
- Everyone loved it!
- Yeah?
126
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,702
- It really
was great, ray.
127
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,571
So folksy.
128
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,639
- You did
a good job, honey.
129
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:18,377
- Yeah, you can take
your robe off now, merlin.
130
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:25,550
By the way, why did you
have to mention to everybody
131
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,019
That when I was a kid,
I couldn't throw a spiral?
132
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:31,123
- That was to show how
I got into critiquing sports.
133
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,524
- I liked the part
about me cursing
134
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,892
At the players on tv.
135
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,660
- Yeah, yeah, you liked that?
136
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:36,762
- It's nice
to know you have
137
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:40,098
An influence
on your kids.
138
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,502
- It was the best speech
I have ever heard.
139
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,770
- Ah, you just liked it
140
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,538
Because you got
a big special mention.
141
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:50,842
- Did I?
I didn't notice.
142
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,145
- You should be very proud,
ray.
143
00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:54,913
- All right.
All right.
144
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,149
- Let's celebrate, huh?
Put out some food.
145
00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:59,184
- I'll help you.
- Okay.
146
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:03,121
- Ooh, yes,
that's good thinking, amy.
147
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:06,057
- So, ray's big day...
148
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,093
You must be
so proud of him.
149
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,761
- Yeah,
I am proud of him.
150
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,497
- What's wrong?
151
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:13,865
- Nothing.
152
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,968
- Come on,
something's up.
153
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,770
- No, really,
it's nothing.
154
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,640
- You can tell me.
155
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:26,178
- Well, he made a great
speech today, right?
156
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:28,547
I mean, how he worked in
all those little stories
157
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,115
About everybody in his life?
158
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,716
- Yeah, that was
my favorite part.
159
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:34,152
- Did you notice
he didn't mention me?
160
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:37,456
- Of course he did.
- No.
161
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:40,659
- No, I mean, he mentioned
frank and robert
162
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,495
And thanked marie
at the end and...
163
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:46,998
Oh, my god,
he didn't mention you.
164
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,734
- It's fine.
It is.
165
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,570
- You know, deb,
I'm sure ray
166
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:54,539
Just made some kind
of mistake in his speech.
167
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,575
He just forgot.
You should ask him.
168
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,477
- No, no, I don't want to make
a big deal about it.
169
00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,645
I want him
to enjoy his day.
170
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,815
- What a beautiful
diploma.
171
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:04,983
- Why don't you
keep it, ma?
172
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,117
- What?
- Yeah.
173
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,086
- Really? Oh, no.
- Sure.
174
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,822
I can't hang it up here.
It'd be like bragging.
175
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,225
Besides, you deserve it.
176
00:08:13,227 --> 00:08:15,827
- Oh, what a boy!
177
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:19,965
- Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
178
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,033
- He said okay!
179
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,713
- Can I talk to you
for a minute, ray?
180
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,848
- Huh?
181
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,922
- Debra would kill me for this,
because she won't say anything,
182
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:47,225
But I thought
you might want to know.
183
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,227
You didn't mention her
in your speech.
184
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:53,865
- What?
No...Yes, I did.
185
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,268
I didn't?
186
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:09,548
- Oh, my god.
187
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:11,783
You didn't
thank your wife.
188
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:14,653
You screwed the pooch!
189
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,888
- Robert, quiet!
190
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,156
- What did he do?
191
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,759
- He didn't thank debra.
- Amy!
192
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:24,896
- No, no, no, I did.
I did. I know I did.
193
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,032
I wrote...I wrote...
I wrote...
194
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,334
Look, I wrote about--
I wrote about school.
195
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:34,739
I wrote about--
I wrote about sports, and I...
196
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:40,779
Oh, no.
197
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,681
- Didn't even jot her name down
in the margins.
198
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,616
- Amy, what are you doing?
199
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:47,052
- Helping?
200
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,086
- Let's go back, come on.
Come on, let's go back.
201
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,121
I'll give another speech.
202
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,189
There's probably still
people in the cafeteria.
203
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,357
- No, it's okay.
204
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,959
Come on,
this isn't about me.
205
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,161
Huh?
This is your day.
206
00:09:56,163 --> 00:10:00,932
I'm so proud of you.
You should be happy.
207
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,601
I'm gonna go
check on the kids.
208
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:14,713
- So should we bury you
in that dress?
209
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:25,090
- Listen, debra,
I just want to say--
210
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,925
- No, really, ray.
It's okay.
211
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,260
You don't have
to apologize again.
212
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,864
- Yeah, but you're supposed
to thank your wife, and--
213
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,233
And you are
my wife, right?
214
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:37,702
- Yes, I'm your wife.
215
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:41,339
- And I am a stupid,
stupid doctor.
216
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,842
- No, honey, really.
It really is okay.
217
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,944
I wasn't even
gonna say anything.
218
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,078
- Yeah, but you
did say something.
219
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,980
- No, I didn't.
- To amy.
220
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,181
- Yes, to amy,
because I thought
221
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,816
She wouldn't say
anything to you.
222
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,753
And now I have
to kill her.
223
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,688
- Okay, see?
It did bother you.
224
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,857
- No, really,
don't obsess about this.
225
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:01,326
It was a great day,
I'm proud of you,
226
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,396
And we don't need to talk
about it anymore, okay?
227
00:11:04,398 --> 00:11:06,865
- Okay.
228
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,299
You're right, it was--
229
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,236
It was just a fluke,
anyway, right?
230
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,937
- Night.
- Night.
231
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,981
You know what it is?
232
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,716
I know why I did it.
233
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,218
It's because this was
an award from college,
234
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,887
So I was thinking
of all the people
235
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:33,692
That helped me
through college, at that time.
236
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,027
I didn't even
know you then.
237
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:40,432
- Well, where were
all those people the other night
238
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:42,233
When you were hiding
in your closet,
239
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,169
Afraid to give
your speech?
240
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:47,205
- I wasn't hiding.
I was making my special magic.
241
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,042
- Well, you couldn't have
thanked those people
242
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,410
If I hadn't given you
the confidence
243
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,079
To make your speech.
244
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,081
- What confidence?
I remember you making fun of me
245
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:59,017
And giggling
and "stoma-chah-chuh."
246
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,186
- Yes, but then
I encouraged you,
247
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:02,754
And you were able
to get up
248
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,023
In front of those people
and give a great speech.
249
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,191
- Yeah, you encouraged me,
250
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,459
But first,
you had to tear me down
251
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:09,461
So you could build me
back up again.
252
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,062
- What?
- That's right.
253
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,130
That's what you do.
254
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,465
And you are very careful
255
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:16,768
That I do not come out
smarter than you.
256
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:20,772
- I never really
worry about that.
257
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:24,442
- Okay, all right.
See?
258
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,745
That's tearing me down,
tearing me down.
259
00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:28,012
You know what, maybe that's why
something in my head
260
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:29,247
Prevented me
from thanking you.
261
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,417
oh, my god.
262
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,452
- What?
- You did it on purpose?
263
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:37,222
- No, no.
No!
264
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,824
No, I said something
in my head did it.
265
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:41,292
- Yeah, something like
you thinking it.
266
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,394
- No, no, no!
267
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:46,831
- You're not a stupid doctor.
You're an evil doctor!
268
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,134
- No, no, I'm stupid.
269
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,402
I'm a stupid man!
You know that!
270
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,905
- I can't believe you!
271
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:57,175
- Debra, it was something
I did unconsciously.
272
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,510
- Subconsciously.
273
00:12:58,512 --> 00:13:01,446
Unconscious means
you're not awake.
274
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,549
- You see that?
I don't know anything!
275
00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:10,922
I told you,
I don't deserve the damn thing.
276
00:13:14,026 --> 00:13:18,196
- No, listen, honey, I don't
want you to feel that way.
277
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:24,068
I know you didn't mean
to leave me out.
278
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:27,572
It's just...
279
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:28,973
- It bothers you.
280
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,308
- Yes, it bothers me,
281
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,010
But it bothers me
that it bothers me.
282
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:35,180
You know, I don't need you
to say nice things
283
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,081
About me in public.
284
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:41,119
I just...
I don't know...
285
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:45,456
I want you to.
I don't know. I'm sorry.
286
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,325
You're a very good doctor.
I'm so sorry, good night.
287
00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:02,073
- I'm glad you feel better.
288
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:08,847
Hey, here she is.
Coffee?
289
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,582
- Thank you.
290
00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:12,250
What are you doing?
291
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:15,453
- Nothin'.
292
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:18,423
Remember the other night?
293
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,858
Read the paper.
294
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,426
- Your column?
- Yes, exactly.
295
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,428
My column.
Read my column.
296
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,363
- You think players
297
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,332
Should stop dumping gatorade
on their coaches' heads.
298
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,268
It's wasteful and sticky.
299
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:33,338
- Unless it's
a championship game.
300
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:35,607
Then it's okay.
Little lower.
301
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:38,943
- "I'm often asked by people
who want to be sportswriters,
302
00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:40,612
"'how did you get started?'
303
00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:43,414
"and I understand this question,
because of all the plum jobs,
304
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:47,151
I've got the plum-est."
305
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:48,887
- No, there's more.
There's more.
306
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,588
- You know, I think
I'll finish it
307
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:51,923
When the coffee kicks in.
308
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:52,924
But it seems
really good.
309
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:57,061
- No...
310
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,930
"and it's
a fair question to ask me,
311
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:01,900
"because I am, after all,
mostly qualified
312
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:03,935
"to do something
like deliver futons.
313
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:07,005
"so how did I get here?
314
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:10,074
"you see, there was
this futon delivery guy,
315
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,643
And he met
a beautiful woman."
316
00:15:11,645 --> 00:15:16,547
Oh, now you're listening,
yeah.
317
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,150
"and even though she
was way out of his league,
318
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,586
"for some unknown reason,
she smiled at him.
319
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:24,656
"eventually,
and even more amazingly,
320
00:15:24,658 --> 00:15:26,491
"she married him.
321
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:29,193
"and it turns out that when
one of your dreams comes true,
322
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:33,231
"you begin to take the others
a little more seriously.
323
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:36,167
"so even though
I'm as amazed as anybody
324
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:39,270
"that I have
any success at all,
325
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:43,675
I'm pretty sure it all started
with my wife debra's smile."
326
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:48,346
I wrote that.
327
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:56,487
- That is the sweetest thing.
328
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,056
- Yeah?
Not too sappy?
329
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,192
- It's way too sappy.
330
00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:05,163
- Good morning.
331
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:08,700
- Hey.
332
00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:10,501
Hi, ma.
333
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,103
- Hi, marie.
Hi, frank.
334
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,505
See your son's column
this morning?
335
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,207
- Yes, we did.
336
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,176
We thought it was wonderful,
didn't we, frank?
337
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:22,347
- Then why did you
drag me over here?
338
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,248
- I thought it was
a marvelous piece.
339
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:26,985
Full of gratitude
and feelings
340
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:28,619
That were
so overwhelming,
341
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:31,456
That it needed
to be expressed in writing.
342
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,591
In the newspaper.
343
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:38,062
- Ma, I thanked you
at the graduation.
344
00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:43,701
- Yes, you made some vague
reference to some "mother"
345
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:46,571
In front of a few people
on a lawn.
346
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:48,706
- What?
347
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,274
- You never mentioned my name.
348
00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:53,678
It was, quite frankly,
rather perfunctory.
349
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,747
- Oh, come on.
350
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:58,116
- Yet debra's
magical smile
351
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,351
Gets all the credit
in front of--
352
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,754
What's the circulation
of the paper?
353
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:03,755
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
354
00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:05,757
- 850,000.
355
00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:16,334
- 850,000.
356
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:19,670
What about
my smile, raymond?
357
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,073
What about my smile?
358
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,441
- And I like it
when they dump the gatorade
359
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,411
On the coach's head.
360
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:29,781
That's funny.
361
00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:31,682
- Did you see the paper?
- Yes, she saw.
362
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,152
Hundreds of thousands saw.
363
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,087
- Isn't it great?
364
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,056
Ray, that was so nice.
365
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:41,325
See, deb, maybe it wasn't such
a big mistake to bring it up.
366
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:42,794
- Thank you, amy.
367
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,802
- Go ahead, robert.
368
00:17:50,804 --> 00:17:53,504
- Uh, raymond, your success
is your success
369
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,640
And not my failure.
370
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:02,380
And so, as any good brother
should be,
371
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,550
I am happy for you.
372
00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:10,855
- Both my sons are whipped!
373
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,524
- However, raymond,
374
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,126
If anybody should get credit
for your success,
375
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,461
It should be me.
376
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:19,130
- Robert!
- That's right! Admit it!
377
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,399
You owe your success
to the pathological desire
378
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,668
You've always had
to be better than me!
379
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,636
- What?
- That's right.
380
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,840
Remember in school?
I was the writer on the paper.
381
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:30,842
Before you even knew
how to pick up a pencil,
382
00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:32,677
I had my own column.
383
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,712
"the view from up here."
384
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:41,419
- You've got to be
kidding me!
385
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:44,288
- Well, it makes as much sense
as a fake smile.
386
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,557
- What?
- Oh...
387
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:50,128
You don't whiten
your teeth?
388
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,230
- Hey, all you did
was teach him piano.
389
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:53,764
If it was up to you,
ray'd have a job
390
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:56,734
Playing "love story"
next to a perfume counter.
391
00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:01,205
- All right, listen, you all had
your chance with ray,
392
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,407
And you got him
as far as "futon guy."
393
00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,476
Maybe I took him
the rest of the way.
394
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,811
- That is absurd!
395
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,513
- You can take credit
for the boy.
396
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:09,747
I'll take credit
for the man.
397
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,215
- You can have credit
for the man.
398
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:12,884
Who the hell
would want that?
399
00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:16,554
I just want credit
for the career.
400
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:20,258
- So you just cast aside
the mother.
401
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,894
Let me tell you--
it didn't start with a smile.
402
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:27,732
It started with 19 hours
of horrible labor.
403
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:34,805
- But before that,
there was a smile.
404
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:47,552
- Also horrible.
405
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,821
- I want my credit.
I deserve it!
406
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:52,690
- Did you see
the newspaper today?
407
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,358
- Oh, it's
a terrible newspaper.
408
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,495
- All right,
stop it.
409
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,263
Stop it!
Stop it!
410
00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:02,700
Nothing's ever enough
for anybody in this house!
411
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,902
What do you want?
You want...
412
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,671
Okay, here it is.
Here it is. You ready?
413
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:10,808
Everybody?
414
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,844
Thank you.
Thank you.
415
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,580
Thank you, robert.
416
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,848
I owe my career
to you.
417
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,750
That column you did
in grammar school
418
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,686
About noogies
versus wedgies,
419
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:26,324
That's the reason
that I go to work every day.
420
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:29,493
And, amy...
I don't know what I did
421
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:30,962
Before you came
into this family
422
00:20:30,964 --> 00:20:33,798
To point out my mistakes,
but thank you!
423
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,300
And, dad!
424
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:38,002
Dad, there's something
I always wanted to say to you.
425
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:41,672
I've never said it before,
but I'm gonna say it right now!
426
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:46,611
You are the mole
on the backside of my success.
427
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:04,362
Sweet mama.
428
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,530
Without your pushing,
429
00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:09,267
I would still be
in your womb.
430
00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:22,513
And you, wife...
431
00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:25,016
Without you,
432
00:21:25,018 --> 00:21:27,752
I'd have nothing
but heart-acha-chuh.
433
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:42,767
- He thanked me first.
434
00:21:42,769 --> 00:21:45,069
- He saved me for last.
435
00:21:45,071 --> 00:21:49,840
- He said the most
meaningful things about me.
436
00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:54,011
- Why was he so fruity?
30660
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