Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,111 --> 00:00:04,571
Kandi, Kandi, listen to me.
2
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:07,324
Our divorce does not
have to be adversarial.
3
00:00:07,325 --> 00:00:09,661
Bet she won't know that word.
4
00:00:09,662 --> 00:00:12,164
No, not ads for cereal.
5
00:00:13,877 --> 00:00:16,380
- Told you.
- Do you know it?
6
00:00:16,381 --> 00:00:18,675
That wasn't the bet.
7
00:00:18,676 --> 00:00:23,391
Oh, come on, you're being very unfair.
I love Chester as much as you do.
8
00:00:23,392 --> 00:00:25,561
Oh. Oh, really? Then maybe
you can explain to me...
9
00:00:25,562 --> 00:00:28,731
...why I'm the one who feeds Chester,
gives Chester tick baths...
10
00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:31,319
...and cleans up
when Chester piddles on the rug.
11
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:35,132
When did you change your name
to Chester?
12
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,415
It's not just me. Jake loves that dog too.
13
00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:41,917
No, I don't.
14
00:00:42,336 --> 00:00:45,257
He slobbers and he threw up in my shoe.
15
00:00:45,258 --> 00:00:47,899
I had a date like that once.
16
00:00:48,179 --> 00:00:51,307
You think it would've slowed me down,
but no.
17
00:00:51,308 --> 00:00:53,436
All right. Can I at least talk to him?
18
00:00:53,437 --> 00:00:57,525
My father talks to dogs
and they send me to a psychologist.
19
00:00:57,526 --> 00:00:59,194
Hello, Chester?
20
00:00:59,195 --> 00:01:01,657
It's Daddy.
21
00:01:01,658 --> 00:01:03,785
Who's a good boy?
22
00:01:03,786 --> 00:01:05,872
You're a good boy.
23
00:01:05,873 --> 00:01:08,751
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
24
00:01:08,918 --> 00:01:12,006
Yes, you- Kandi, I wasn't finished.
25
00:01:12,007 --> 00:01:13,967
Yeah, well, I have rights here.
26
00:01:13,968 --> 00:01:18,140
And I intend to pursue those rights
with all the means at my disposal.
27
00:01:18,141 --> 00:01:21,003
Yeah. Well, okay. Okay. Goodbye.
28
00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:24,984
- Alan?
- Yeah?
29
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:30,458
Who's a moron? You're a moron.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
30
00:01:30,994 --> 00:01:35,916
Well, it may be funny to you,
but that dog means a lot to me.
31
00:01:35,917 --> 00:01:39,589
- This about the dog or is it about Kandi?
- It's about the dog.
32
00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:42,302
I mean, we bought a condo.
She's keeping it.
33
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:45,139
We bought a car. She's keeping it.
What do I get to keep?
34
00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:47,642
Certainly not your dignity.
35
00:01:49,271 --> 00:01:51,524
Okay, let's look at the big picture.
36
00:01:51,525 --> 00:01:54,820
You're a middle-aged guy who married
a stupid woman half his age...
37
00:01:54,821 --> 00:01:58,451
...for no other reason than the sex
was great. You with me so far?
38
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,287
- Yeah.
- Good.
39
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:03,834
Then you ran out of money,
she got bored and threw you out.
40
00:02:03,835 --> 00:02:06,463
- What's your point?
- Why does everything need a point?
41
00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:09,606
Why can't I just make fun of you?
42
00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:11,888
I want my dog, Charlie.
43
00:02:11,889 --> 00:02:15,831
There will be other dogs.
Not in my house.
44
00:02:17,230 --> 00:02:20,902
Just remember, the worst thing you
can do is fight over who gets what.
45
00:02:20,903 --> 00:02:23,447
- The trick is to give her everything.
- Everything?
46
00:02:23,448 --> 00:02:25,868
Whatever she wants.
When all is said and done...
47
00:02:25,869 --> 00:02:29,915
...you'll get the thing that matters most.
The thing you can't put a price on.
48
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:34,498
- My dignity?
- Oh, stop it. That ship has sailed.
49
00:02:35,425 --> 00:02:39,180
No, no, no, the thing you get is freedom.
50
00:02:39,181 --> 00:02:41,266
The opportunity to start over.
51
00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:43,978
Maybe a little sadder,
but a whole lot wiser.
52
00:02:43,979 --> 00:02:46,816
The next time you meet a woman-
And trust me, you will.
53
00:02:46,817 --> 00:02:51,823
- you'll have a real shot
at true and lasting happiness.
54
00:02:51,824 --> 00:02:54,537
I want my dog.
55
00:02:56,707 --> 00:03:02,930
Well, good luck with that because
I was lying about the other stuff.
56
00:03:29,131 --> 00:03:31,175
Why don't we share custody of Chester?
57
00:03:31,176 --> 00:03:34,304
You know, you get one week
and I get one week.
58
00:03:34,305 --> 00:03:36,892
It doesn't make any difference.
59
00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:41,155
Dog weeks and people weeks
are the same thing.
60
00:03:43,194 --> 00:03:45,696
Hey, Dad, how come
you don't give me an allowance?
61
00:03:45,697 --> 00:03:48,743
Your mother gives you an allowance.
I'm trying to be fair.
62
00:03:48,744 --> 00:03:53,500
Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair
that Mom has to pay me and you don't.
63
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:56,046
Hang on, Kandi.
Let me explain something to you.
64
00:03:56,047 --> 00:03:58,299
Every cent your mother has
comes from me.
65
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,471
So when she gives you allowance,
it's me giving you allowance.
66
00:04:01,472 --> 00:04:06,944
I don't need to know how it works.
I just need more money.
67
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,149
Take a number.
68
00:04:09,150 --> 00:04:11,651
- Sorry, go ahead.
- Six.
69
00:04:15,326 --> 00:04:17,787
- Morning.
- Morning.
70
00:04:17,788 --> 00:04:19,915
If Chester's gonna
live anywhere full time...
71
00:04:19,916 --> 00:04:21,751
...I don't see
why it shouldn't be here.
72
00:04:21,752 --> 00:04:24,253
I do. I see why.
73
00:04:25,758 --> 00:04:28,970
When he split with your mother,
did they fight over your custody?
74
00:04:28,971 --> 00:04:32,768
They still do."You take him."
"No, you take him."
75
00:04:32,769 --> 00:04:35,856
Okay. Okay. Okay, fine.
You want this to get ugly?
76
00:04:35,857 --> 00:04:39,110
You wanna play hardball?
I will play hardball.
77
00:04:39,111 --> 00:04:40,988
How come you don't
give me an allowance?
78
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,450
What are you, drunk?
79
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:46,330
Well- Yeah, well,
I am gonna get a lawyer.
80
00:04:46,331 --> 00:04:50,544
I'm gonna take you to court, yeah, and
then we'll just see who gets Chester.
81
00:04:50,545 --> 00:04:55,128
Yeah. Yeah. Well, have your lawyer
call my lawyer.
82
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:06,108
You know a lawyer?
83
00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:16,292
Oh.
84
00:05:16,293 --> 00:05:18,921
- Hi.
- What do you want, Alan?
85
00:05:18,922 --> 00:05:21,675
Uh, oh, okay, right to it, huh?
86
00:05:21,676 --> 00:05:25,472
Uh, well, as you know,
Kandi and I are splitting up.
87
00:05:25,473 --> 00:05:27,978
Yeah, quelle surprise.
88
00:05:31,273 --> 00:05:35,456
Uh... Anyhoo,
I'm gonna need a good lawyer...
89
00:05:35,572 --> 00:05:39,285
...and I thought, you know,
who better than the rabid jackal...
90
00:05:39,286 --> 00:05:42,540
...who ripped my lungs out
in my first divorce?
91
00:05:42,541 --> 00:05:43,834
You want my lawyer?
92
00:05:43,835 --> 00:05:46,839
Well, I certainly don't want mine.
93
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,175
Gee, I'm sorry,
but I can't give him to you.
94
00:05:49,176 --> 00:05:52,681
- Why not?
- Because I already gave him to Kandi.
95
00:05:52,682 --> 00:05:54,600
You're joking, right?
96
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:57,982
No, I'm smiling, but I'm not joking.
97
00:05:58,774 --> 00:06:00,401
Why would you do that?
98
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,903
I don't know. Kicks.
99
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:06,535
Oh, Judith, when did you start
hating me so much?
100
00:06:06,536 --> 00:06:10,040
Well, let's see.
I disliked you when we were married.
101
00:06:10,041 --> 00:06:13,211
I resented you when we divorced.
But I don't think I hated you...
102
00:06:13,212 --> 00:06:17,677
...until you started having sex
with that gorgeous 22-year-old dumbbell.
103
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:23,031
- Okay, well, thanks for clearing that up.
- Okay, bye-bye.
104
00:06:25,189 --> 00:06:27,608
Look, if you really wanna make some
extra cash...
105
00:06:27,609 --> 00:06:29,861
...we can find some chores
for you to do.
106
00:06:29,862 --> 00:06:33,194
Oh, yeah, there's big money in that.
107
00:06:34,077 --> 00:06:35,870
What kind of chores?
108
00:06:35,871 --> 00:06:37,373
Well, let's see.
109
00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:40,878
You could take out the garbage,
sweep up the garage, wash my car.
110
00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:43,550
No, none of those sound good.
111
00:06:46,722 --> 00:06:49,223
Tell you what.
112
00:06:50,352 --> 00:06:52,646
I'll give you 10 bucks...
113
00:06:52,647 --> 00:06:56,110
...if you can eat this entire tub
of ice cream in less than 20 minutes.
114
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:59,156
- Okay.
- Charlie, that'll shoot out of him...
115
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:02,469
...like Ben & Jerry on rocket skates.
116
00:07:02,704 --> 00:07:05,584
Here. Eat these instead.
117
00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:10,548
By the time they get through you,
it will be your mother's problem.
118
00:07:10,549 --> 00:07:13,219
- All of them in 20 minutes, right?
- Yep.
119
00:07:13,220 --> 00:07:16,021
Then can I have the ice cream?
120
00:07:17,893 --> 00:07:20,395
Uh-oh.
121
00:07:31,831 --> 00:07:34,209
Alan, you should've called.
122
00:07:34,210 --> 00:07:36,588
I didn't feel like calling.
I wanna see my dog.
123
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,841
Well, maybe he doesn't wanna see you.
124
00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:43,180
- Why don't we let him decide?
- No, he's been through enough.
125
00:07:43,181 --> 00:07:45,100
Oh, really? Did he tell you that?
126
00:07:45,101 --> 00:07:46,853
How could he tell me anything?
127
00:07:46,854 --> 00:07:50,692
You know as well as I do
that he keeps everything bottled up.
128
00:07:50,693 --> 00:07:54,322
- Damn it, Kandi, I wanna see my-
- Don't you yell at me.
129
00:07:54,323 --> 00:07:56,785
If you have anything to say,
say it to my lawyer.
130
00:07:56,786 --> 00:07:58,287
Maybe I will.
131
00:07:58,288 --> 00:08:02,841
Honey, Alan has something
he wants to say to you.
132
00:08:03,129 --> 00:08:05,630
Hey, Alan.
133
00:08:06,091 --> 00:08:08,593
What's up?
134
00:08:09,930 --> 00:08:12,100
It's you.
135
00:08:12,101 --> 00:08:14,602
The jackal.
136
00:08:15,063 --> 00:08:17,065
Oh, that hurts. Ahem.
137
00:08:17,066 --> 00:08:21,488
Listen, as long as you're here,
is your billing address still the same?
138
00:08:21,489 --> 00:08:22,741
Uh-huh.
139
00:08:22,742 --> 00:08:26,121
Great. Well, I guess I'll see you in court.
140
00:08:26,122 --> 00:08:29,585
Oh. And don't worry. I'm not gonna
bill you for this consultation.
141
00:08:29,586 --> 00:08:32,867
There's nothing legal going on here.
142
00:08:39,267 --> 00:08:42,104
Un-freaking-believable.
143
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:46,026
It's like watching a pot-smoking monkey.
144
00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:49,865
- Ten dollars, please.
- Serves me right betting against a kid...
145
00:08:49,866 --> 00:08:53,746
...who can eat a Happy Meal,
toys and all.
146
00:08:53,747 --> 00:08:55,957
Thank you.
147
00:08:55,958 --> 00:08:59,629
- What are you doing?
- You taught me always do my own count.
148
00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:01,632
Yeah, but you can trust me.
149
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:05,849
Seven, eight, nine?
150
00:09:08,061 --> 00:09:10,562
It was an honest mistake.
151
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:13,400
I'm sure.
152
00:09:14,278 --> 00:09:16,489
So, what are you gonna do
with your winnings?
153
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:18,950
- It's a secret.
- So it's a girl.
154
00:09:18,951 --> 00:09:20,745
- How did you know?
- I didn't.
155
00:09:20,746 --> 00:09:23,248
Then it isn't.
156
00:09:23,709 --> 00:09:26,170
Come on. Tell me about her.
Maybe I can help.
157
00:09:26,171 --> 00:09:27,547
I don't think so.
158
00:09:27,548 --> 00:09:30,927
Are you kidding? Who knows
more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
159
00:09:30,928 --> 00:09:35,010
Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton,
Rosie O'Donnell.
160
00:09:36,604 --> 00:09:40,692
Why should I talk to you? You've messed
up every relationship you've ever been in.
161
00:09:40,693 --> 00:09:41,943
Well, yeah-
162
00:09:41,944 --> 00:09:45,115
- So you're not exactly a good example.
- I get it.
163
00:09:45,116 --> 00:09:47,202
If I were old enough
to have one-night stands-
164
00:09:47,203 --> 00:09:49,455
All right, you've made your point.
165
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,541
- So don't talk to me. Okay.
- I won't.
166
00:09:51,542 --> 00:09:54,044
- Okay.
- Good.
167
00:09:58,595 --> 00:10:01,515
- Will you drive me to the mall?
- Why?
168
00:10:01,516 --> 00:10:04,812
- It's private.
- So is my car.
169
00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:08,567
All right, I wanna buy a present.
170
00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:11,030
- For?
- It's a secret.
171
00:10:11,031 --> 00:10:13,700
- I'll throw in another 10.
- Wendy Cho.
172
00:10:13,701 --> 00:10:14,911
Aha.
173
00:10:14,912 --> 00:10:17,247
A present for Wendy Cho.
174
00:10:17,248 --> 00:10:20,920
Now, is this an offering to grease
the wheels or a parting gift...
175
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:23,340
...for the wheels
having already been greased?
176
00:10:23,341 --> 00:10:29,641
Grease the wheels? See, that's
why I don't talk to you about this stuff.
177
00:10:29,642 --> 00:10:32,562
Well, he may be as dull
as a butter knife...
178
00:10:32,563 --> 00:10:37,776
...but you got to admit,
he's a good judge of character.
179
00:10:46,751 --> 00:10:49,797
Are you sure it doesn't have anything
to do with sex?
180
00:10:49,798 --> 00:10:51,508
- Positive.
- Huh.
181
00:10:51,509 --> 00:10:55,807
Sure sounds like it. Subpoenas.
182
00:11:04,362 --> 00:11:06,948
Hang in there, Chester. Daddy's coming.
183
00:11:06,949 --> 00:11:09,450
Oh, please, please, please.
184
00:11:10,496 --> 00:11:13,457
Yes, she didn't change the lock.
185
00:11:18,299 --> 00:11:20,800
But that's new.
186
00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:25,601
I like those.
187
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,604
Skull earrings?
188
00:11:27,605 --> 00:11:30,733
Yeah, they're silver
and they got ruby eyes.
189
00:11:30,734 --> 00:11:34,489
Okay, first of all,
for 11.95 those aren't rubies.
190
00:11:34,490 --> 00:11:38,112
- You don't know that.
- Oh, but I do.
191
00:11:39,081 --> 00:11:42,627
And second, girls like Wendy Cho
don't wear skull earrings.
192
00:11:42,628 --> 00:11:43,962
How do you know?
193
00:11:43,963 --> 00:11:46,340
She gets straight A's, right?
She plays violin?
194
00:11:46,341 --> 00:11:49,095
- She's also the captain of the math team.
- Exactly.
195
00:11:49,096 --> 00:11:52,298
- So you see my point?
- Oh, okay.
196
00:11:54,019 --> 00:11:57,011
How about that skull belt buckle?
197
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,652
No skulls.
198
00:12:00,947 --> 00:12:04,993
Just out of curiosity,
does this Wendy Cho hate her parents?
199
00:12:04,994 --> 00:12:06,621
I don't think so. Why?
200
00:12:06,622 --> 00:12:09,709
Just trying to get a handle
on the relationship.
201
00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:12,713
She says she likes me
because I'm unpretentious.
202
00:12:12,714 --> 00:12:17,012
- Do you know what that means?
- It means she likes me.
203
00:12:17,013 --> 00:12:19,182
Yeah, okay.
204
00:12:19,183 --> 00:12:21,269
So, what do you want this gift to say?
205
00:12:21,270 --> 00:12:22,478
Uh...
206
00:12:22,479 --> 00:12:23,730
Happy birthday?
207
00:12:23,731 --> 00:12:25,858
A birthday card says "happy birthday."
208
00:12:25,859 --> 00:12:28,488
What are you trying to tell her
by giving her jewelry?
209
00:12:28,489 --> 00:12:32,080
I don't know. I guess that I love her.
210
00:12:32,870 --> 00:12:34,539
What?
211
00:12:34,540 --> 00:12:36,500
Nothing. That's terrific.
212
00:12:36,501 --> 00:12:39,879
Because you don't love any girl,
doesn't mean I shouldn't.
213
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,928
Excuse me, but I have loved many girls
and many girls have loved me.
214
00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,860
That's not love. It's just sex.
215
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,400
I'm sorry, I'm not following you.
216
00:12:50,564 --> 00:12:53,734
If you died tomorrow, how many girls
would come to your funeral?
217
00:12:53,735 --> 00:12:55,612
A lot of them.
218
00:12:55,613 --> 00:13:00,035
Granted, a few might show up
just to make sure I'm really dead...
219
00:13:00,036 --> 00:13:02,247
...but I feel confident...
220
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:07,941
...that the overall tone of the event
would be one of sadness.
221
00:13:08,298 --> 00:13:11,550
- If you say so.
- Yeah, I say so.
222
00:13:11,762 --> 00:13:14,891
- Now let's get out of here.
- I haven't picked out a gift yet.
223
00:13:14,892 --> 00:13:17,311
Then get her the stupid skull earrings.
224
00:13:17,312 --> 00:13:20,942
- But you said she wouldn't like them.
- What do I know? Nobody loves me.
225
00:13:20,943 --> 00:13:23,362
Nobody's coming to my funeral.
226
00:13:23,363 --> 00:13:26,195
Whoa, where did that come from?
227
00:13:29,581 --> 00:13:33,423
Here, what about
this gold heart necklace?
228
00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:36,424
It's kind of expensive.
229
00:13:36,425 --> 00:13:38,760
You want the best, Jake,
you pay for it.
230
00:13:38,761 --> 00:13:44,478
Yeah, but $39?
I mean, I love her and everything...
231
00:13:45,147 --> 00:13:48,985
If it means we can get out of here
quicker, I'll front you the difference.
232
00:13:48,986 --> 00:13:52,322
- I don't know.
- You don't know? I'm offering you a deal.
233
00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:56,370
Yeah, but you always say if it sounds
too good to be true, it probably is.
234
00:13:56,371 --> 00:13:59,292
All right, how about if I pay
for the whole thing?
235
00:13:59,293 --> 00:14:02,124
That sounds even better. So no.
236
00:14:03,507 --> 00:14:06,008
Come on, brainiac.
237
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:08,598
What do I have to do for you?
238
00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:10,684
Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
239
00:14:10,685 --> 00:14:12,645
- Do I have to cry?
- No.
240
00:14:12,646 --> 00:14:15,024
Will there be food?
241
00:14:15,025 --> 00:14:17,697
- Yes.
- Can I bring a date?
242
00:14:19,532 --> 00:14:25,225
- You're just screwing with me now, right?
- How does it feel?
243
00:14:28,503 --> 00:14:30,589
Still early. Wanna go shoot some hoops?
244
00:14:30,590 --> 00:14:33,602
No, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
245
00:14:34,721 --> 00:14:37,809
Hey, bros before Chos.
246
00:14:41,607 --> 00:14:45,486
"Thanks for the ride to the mall,
Uncle Charlie.
247
00:14:45,487 --> 00:14:48,325
Thanks for buying me the necklace,
Uncle Charlie.
248
00:14:48,326 --> 00:14:49,826
Thanks for not slugging me...
249
00:14:49,827 --> 00:14:55,740
...when I started mouthing off
about your funeral, Uncle Charlie."
250
00:15:15,617 --> 00:15:18,118
Aah!
251
00:15:24,296 --> 00:15:25,756
Chester-
252
00:15:25,757 --> 00:15:26,966
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
253
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,427
Calm down.
254
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,597
Easy, boy.
Charlie, what did you do to him?
255
00:15:30,598 --> 00:15:34,936
What did I do to him? I practically
crapped my pants is what I did to him.
256
00:15:34,937 --> 00:15:36,189
What the hell is that?
257
00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:39,067
This is Chester.
Isn't he cute? Yes, you are.
258
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:42,239
- Yes, you are. Yes-
- He's not staying here, Alan.
259
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,661
With all due respect,
that's what you said about me.
260
00:15:45,662 --> 00:15:49,291
That's because no kennel in town
would take you.
261
00:15:49,292 --> 00:15:50,835
Oh, come on, look at him.
262
00:15:50,836 --> 00:15:53,465
- How can you not love this face?
- Easy.
263
00:15:53,466 --> 00:15:55,927
I know where he puts it.
264
00:15:55,928 --> 00:15:58,972
- Now take him back to Kandi's.
- I can't.
265
00:15:58,973 --> 00:16:01,226
- Why not?
- It's kind of complicated.
266
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:04,522
- Then simplify it.
- Okay, well, um...
267
00:16:04,523 --> 00:16:07,025
...I stole him.
268
00:16:08,488 --> 00:16:13,328
Oh, Alan, I may think with my penis
but at least I think.
269
00:16:13,329 --> 00:16:16,500
You won't have to do anything.
I'll feed him, I'll walk him.
270
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:22,008
Walk him? You could hitch a wagon
to him and settle the West.
271
00:16:22,009 --> 00:16:24,011
No dogs in my house.
272
00:16:24,012 --> 00:16:28,267
Especially stolen dogs who are
big enough to make me their bitch.
273
00:16:28,268 --> 00:16:31,022
Whoa, what the hell is that?
274
00:16:31,397 --> 00:16:33,024
That is leaving.
275
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:36,529
Please. My entire life, Chester
is the only thing I ever slept with...
276
00:16:36,530 --> 00:16:39,534
...that didn't sue me for alimony.
277
00:16:39,535 --> 00:16:42,121
How long you think
you're gonna get away with this?
278
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:45,668
I was very careful. I left the door open
so that when Kandi comes home...
279
00:16:45,669 --> 00:16:48,339
...she'll think she left it open
and Chester ran away.
280
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:52,053
She'll never dream
of looking for him here.
281
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,556
Probably.
282
00:16:54,975 --> 00:16:57,476
Just in case, hide Chester.
283
00:16:58,314 --> 00:17:00,441
How am I supposed to hide him?
284
00:17:00,442 --> 00:17:04,906
Sit under him with a pail
and pretend he's a cow.
285
00:17:04,907 --> 00:17:08,746
- Coming. Charlie, please.
- Oh, man.
286
00:17:09,121 --> 00:17:11,622
Come on, Bullwinkle.
287
00:17:20,764 --> 00:17:22,599
Alan Harper?
288
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,270
Yes. Yes. How can I help you?
289
00:17:25,271 --> 00:17:27,816
We're investigating a stolen-dog report.
290
00:17:27,817 --> 00:17:29,652
A dog?
291
00:17:29,653 --> 00:17:32,154
Your ex-wife's dog.
292
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,052
Chester? Somebody stole Chester?
293
00:17:36,162 --> 00:17:39,583
She seems to think you might know
his whereabouts.
294
00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:44,174
Oh, gosh, um, I'm sorry.
I have no idea.
295
00:17:44,342 --> 00:17:47,470
Uh- Oh, although, you know,
what could've happened...
296
00:17:47,471 --> 00:17:50,642
...um, she could have
left the door open-
297
00:17:50,643 --> 00:17:55,115
She's absent-minded.
- uh, and the dog got away.
298
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,321
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
299
00:18:15,222 --> 00:18:17,224
Hey.
300
00:18:17,225 --> 00:18:20,103
Oh, look who's finally off the phone.
301
00:18:20,104 --> 00:18:22,064
Yeah.
302
00:18:22,065 --> 00:18:24,401
When are you gonna give Wendy Cho
the necklace?
303
00:18:24,402 --> 00:18:26,405
I'm not.
304
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,574
What happened? You chicken out?
305
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,076
No.
306
00:18:31,246 --> 00:18:33,081
I don't believe it.
307
00:18:33,082 --> 00:18:35,543
You dragged my ass
all the way down to the mall...
308
00:18:35,544 --> 00:18:38,714
...I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace,
and you chicken out.
309
00:18:38,715 --> 00:18:41,757
She just dumped me, you old turd.
310
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:49,398
Oh. Well, you could've told me that
before I started being a turd.
311
00:18:49,399 --> 00:18:52,945
I'm only 12. I need a time machine.
312
00:18:54,406 --> 00:18:57,493
Ah, dude, I am really sorry.
What happened?
313
00:18:57,494 --> 00:19:02,476
She decided she has a problem
with mixed relationships.
314
00:19:03,294 --> 00:19:05,795
What? Chinese and Caucasian?
315
00:19:06,132 --> 00:19:08,634
Gifted and remedial.
316
00:19:10,096 --> 00:19:12,014
Oh.
317
00:19:12,015 --> 00:19:16,230
Yeah, well, I'm done with relationships.
From now on, I'm gonna be like you.
318
00:19:16,231 --> 00:19:18,066
Why would you wanna be like me?
319
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:22,823
Because you never fall in love
with anybody, so you never get hurt.
320
00:19:22,824 --> 00:19:25,619
Okay, listen to me.
321
00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:29,332
Being hurt sucks...
322
00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:33,673
...but love is the most beautiful
and noble of human emotions.
323
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:37,887
It's what gives a man hope.
It's what gives his life meaning.
324
00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:40,015
Don't turn your back on love, Jake.
325
00:19:40,016 --> 00:19:43,397
I did and I regret it every day.
326
00:19:44,106 --> 00:19:48,578
- Really?
- May God strike me down if I'm lying.
327
00:19:59,087 --> 00:20:02,049
All right, the game's over. Let's go.
328
00:20:02,050 --> 00:20:03,676
Where are we going?
329
00:20:03,677 --> 00:20:07,379
Might as well bail your dad out of jail.
330
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:10,895
Can we get something to eat first?
331
00:20:10,896 --> 00:20:13,397
Sure, why not.
332
00:20:17,365 --> 00:20:22,121
How long before Kandi
and her lawyer come back from Mexico?
333
00:20:22,122 --> 00:20:24,623
Three more days.
334
00:20:25,586 --> 00:20:28,422
Oh, God, what are you feeding that dog?
335
00:20:28,423 --> 00:20:30,925
It's not the dog.
336
00:20:31,678 --> 00:20:34,750
Smells a little like banana bread.26374
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
