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["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive-By Truckers plays]
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Everybody, get loud
for Nikki Glaser!
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00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:11,402
Yes! Yes! What's up? How are you?
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All right.
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Good.
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Me too. Me... Aw, I said, "Me too".
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Okay, shit.
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Damn it! I have to tell my story now.
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Real quick. This is no way
to start a comedy show, clearly.
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Let me get it out of the way.
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I have a Me Too story,
every woman in the business does.
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A guy that I worked with and trusted
did something pretty gross to me.
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And it was backstage one night
before a show,
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we were hanging out in his green room
and he got up to shut the door,
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which is fine, I thought we were going
to smoke pot or something, and then...
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And then he locked it
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and that's when I was like,
"Wait, what?" And then...
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00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,953
He proceeded to then turn around...
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and expose himself to me...
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emotionally. He started crying
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and it was one of
the most disgusting things
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I've ever seen a man do.
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I didn't know what to do. I froze.
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00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,301
I was just like, "Hey, can you take
your dick out so I have somewhere to look?
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00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,589
'Cause I don't know what's going on
with your face.
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00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,973
It's wet and red
and I don't understand it.
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So be a man right now...
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and take your dick out, okay?"
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'Cause at least that I've seen before.
I know...
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That's old hat at this point.
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There's a protocol for that.
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If a guy takes his dick out and you don't
want to see it and you're uncomfortable,
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you know what to do.
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00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:34,742
You just kind of, like, go...
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You just kind of laugh nervously,
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and kind of back out of the room
and then go, "Okay," and shut the door
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and then get blacklisted
from the industry.
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So there's a system in place...
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I...
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So I'm... I do actually have
a story about someone
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and I would love-- When everyone
was coming out with they're stories,
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I was like, "I want to tell it so bad,"
but I can't because I asked around
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and he, like, only did it to me,
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'cause I'm, like, so pretty.
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I guess that's why.
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That's why they do it, girls.
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When a guy does something gross
to you that you don't want him to do,
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it's because you're so pretty
he couldn't help himself, right?
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So, when you go talking about it,
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and telling people,
it's like, you're kind of bragging.
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Like...
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"Take it to the grave.
We get it, you know you're pretty."
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So...
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It's true. When you're one woman
with one story against one man,
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you really have nothing.
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You're what the legal system calls,
and I think it's Latin, but it's...
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"lying whore," I think is what it is.
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And so...
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Yeah, until I find
at least six other women
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with the same exact story against him...
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keep enjoying his podcast.
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Yeah, you love it.
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They all have one,
it doesn't whittle it down.
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Not even in the slightest. So...
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I'm single and, like, I just, like,
don't want to be anymore.
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I just... I want a boyfriend so bad.
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I really... and I know
you're not supposed to say that.
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00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:04,445
I'm reading all these books right now
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00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:07,615
about how to trick a man into loving you
and...
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00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:09,455
You know the titles,
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they're, like, you know,
always written in, like, angry lipstick
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or period blood and it's just like...
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Why Men Love Bitches, or like...
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00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,883
Getting to I Do.
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I'm reading one right now, it's good,
I'm in the middle of it,
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it's called Fake It Till You Kill Yourself
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and I can't wait to finish it
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because I'm so exhausted
with being single.
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The books say,
"Don't say you want a boyfriend."
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I know I already fucked that up.
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They definitely say don't talk about it
into microphones on
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globally streaming platform services,
but...
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I want a boyfriend.
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00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:48,083
And another rule, ladies, listen up.
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Second rule is look fuckable all the time.
All the time.
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Look fuckable...
I have to wear makeup all the time now.
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And I know you guys are like,
"No, Nikki, you're beautiful."
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And it's like, "I know. I know."
Without makeup...
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I am a beautiful man.
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00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:04,637
Without makeup, I look like
a yoga instructor named Jesper.
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00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,101
That's kind of my vibe.
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I can't risk going out without makeup.
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Are you joking me? I'm single.
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That's the thing...
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Whenever I throw my hair up
in a bun...
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First of all, it's a man bun now.
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00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,938
Like, men own buns.
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You guys have stolen the most fun,
easy style from us.
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I can't wear my hair in a bun.
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The only safe style for a woman now,
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when you wear your hair up,
is a high ponytail.
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Don't you dare take that from us.
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Don't you dare! I'm serious.
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Buns aren't safe anymore.
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Keep the high pone.
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If I ever wear a low pone...
Low pones have never been safe.
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When I wear a low pone without makeup,
I look like Beethoven.
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That hasn't been mine for centuries.
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I swear to God.
You have to wear makeup all the time.
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If you're single, do not leave the house
without... If I see a girl without makeup,
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I always am just like,
"My God, someone loves her."
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That is so... What is that like?
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It's not feminist to say this, it isn't,
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but it's, like, do you expect to find...
What if you're in line at the drugstore,
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and your soulmate is in line next to you,
the guy that you're meant to be with,
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and you don't have makeup on
and you don't have a hot outfit on?
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How is he supposed to know
every best trait that you have
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that aren't your looks?
'Cause I know you have a lot.
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I have tons. I have the Gisele Bundchen
of personalities,
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but it doesn't mean shit
unless I draw shadows on my face
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to make it look like I have bone structure
I do not have.
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He's not going to look at me
with my man face and my hair up in a bun
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and just know that I'm loyal,
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I'm funny, I do anal,
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like, all of my best...
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That's stuff that comes out later.
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You get it.
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So if I ever go out without makeup,
'cause you want to let your skin breathe,
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I always have to wear my "I Do Anal" shirt
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and that's just like...
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That catches the eye, but it's always
in the wash, you know, 'cause...
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I'm such a whore.
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That's why I want a boyfriend.
Can I be clear about this?
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I don't want a boyfriend 'cause I want
to get married and settle in.
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I want a boyfriend so I can feel safe
being a whore again.
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That's what I want. I really just...
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I want a guy
to date me for a couple months
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so I can feel safe to get let out
of my whore cage a little bit.
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And then put back into one
'cause that's what I'm into.
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I really... I can't do this anymore.
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I can't casually hook up anymore.
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It hurts too much to hook up with a guy.
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I can't stand it when you cum in my mouth
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00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:35,326
and then you stop watching
my Instagram story the next day.
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Why'd you drop off?
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You watched it before!
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What happened?
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Is there anything more pathetic,
the next day,
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when you're trying to wait for that guy
to watch your story again
150
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:50,387
and you post one, you're like,
"Hey, guys."
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But you're really being like, "Hey,
guy that I'm waiting to watch this."
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And you like touch your mouth
to remind him
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where his dick was hours before.
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You're like, "Hey."
155
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And then you're just refreshing,
waiting for him
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00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,744
and then your dad DM's you like,
"Killing it, Nik!"
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00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:08,198
And you're just like, "Not now, Dad!"
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God!
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00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:13,582
He's like,
"What did you have for breakfast?"
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00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,039
And I'm like,
"Do you really want to know, Dad?
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An ounce of cum and half a Kind bar, okay?
That is exactly..."
162
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:27,008
"A Kind bar and a mean load, Dad."
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"What flavor? Mixed nuts. What else, Dad?"
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I'm just...
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I just want to be a whore. I really do.
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I am such a whore,
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but outside of a relationship,
I don't feel safe being a whore.
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I really don't.
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And for a while I was like,
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00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,730
"Maybe if I don't have sex,
maybe if I don't let them in my puss,
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I won't get attached.
Maybe if I just blow guys."
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00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,278
So I was blowing guys
and that's not safe either, girls.
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There's something about their dick, it's
like closer to your heart or something.
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It's just... It...
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I go crazy.
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00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,666
Hand jobs? Hand jobs are all I have
to get a guy off?
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00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,461
No, thank you. I'm terrible at hand jobs.
I'm bad at hand jobs and guitar.
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00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,547
I know that about myself.
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00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,341
I have bad rhythm...
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00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:12,934
I want to be good at guitar so bad.
I've taken so many lessons
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00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,930
and every guitar lesson has gone
like every hand job I've ever given.
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It really has.
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00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:19,274
I'm, like, in a guy's studio apartment,
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00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,850
he's showing me a strumming pattern,
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00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,805
I feel like I'm doing a good job,
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00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,805
and eventually he's like,
"Let's do it together."
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00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:25,857
And I'm like, "Okay,"
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00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,690
and then we're doing it together.
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00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:29,355
And I'm like, "All right, we're jamming."
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00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,243
Then he's like,
"Why don't you just watch me?"
191
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,820
I'm like, "Okay, I'm out. I don't care.
192
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,825
I am not good at this, so I'm going
to wait for my mom to pick me up."
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00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,581
And then he cums on me.
194
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:42,287
'Cause that's how I used to pay
for my guitar lessons.
195
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:45,043
I mean that was before Venmo.
It was a different time.
196
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,589
So you know what I'm doing?
197
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,801
'Cause I need to get a good old
dicking down sometimes.
198
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:54,262
I need a dick in me. It feels great.
199
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:57,643
Even lesbians will attest to the fact
that dicks feel amazing in you.
200
00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:01,232
They use a meat substitute,
but they're getting stuff, too.
201
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,441
So when I need dick, I go back to my ex.
202
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,520
I go sleep with my ex and everyone's like,
"Don't do that, Nikki.
203
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,647
Don't go back to your ex."
204
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:11,193
It's not 'cause I'm weak.
It's 'cause I break up with him,
205
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,397
and then I go date other guys
and I look back at him
206
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,447
and I'm like, "He was the best...
207
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:16,451
I can do."
208
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,792
Like, I just can't get better.
209
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,996
And so I sleep with him and it's easy.
210
00:10:22,079 --> 00:10:24,829
I don't want to get back together
with him. So I just don't even care.
211
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,455
I can show up...
It's like an oil change, I feel like.
212
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,753
I'm in and out in a half hour.
213
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,047
We bang it out.
214
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,130
He slaps a sticker on my forehead
at the end of it,
215
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,585
writes a date with a Sharpie on it,
216
00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:37,135
"Back in four months if I haven't found
someone to love me."
217
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,055
I don't have to dress up.
218
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,349
I'm not like, "I need to look..."
I don't shave my legs.
219
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,773
I can, like, wear no makeup.
220
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,311
I can be on my period.
221
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:47,864
Be like, "It just started,"
even though it's, like, full swing,
222
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:50,898
You know, like, I just lie.
223
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,779
He pulls out a tampon
and he's like, "Really?" And I'm like...
224
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,783
That's from last month.
225
00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:01,576
Is that worse than me lying to you?"
226
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,459
I just want to be a slut.
227
00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:06,459
Like, it sucks.
228
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,713
For the past fucking six years,
I've slept with one person.
229
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,545
And I'm, like, kind of known
as like, "You're, like, a slutty comic,"
230
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:16,301
'cause all I talk about is sex,
and I want to be so bad.
231
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,104
My ex-boyfriend, by the way,
has all of my naked pictures,
232
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,348
all of my best videos,
233
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:22,679
anytime I'm feeling myself,
I ship one off to him.
234
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,925
And I know I shouldn't,
the cloud is insecure,
235
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,187
but neither am I...
236
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:28,938
and I need constant validation...
237
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,772
that I'm hot.
238
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,900
So I checked with him recently.
239
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:37,533
I was like, "Hey, have you ever shown
anyone any of those pictures, ever?"
240
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,993
And he was like, "No, you know
that I wouldn't do that.
241
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:41,914
You can trust me." And I was like,
242
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,406
"Could you? Because I really...
243
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,615
Could you schedule a leak
that I can seem upset about?"
244
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,457
Because I need to get the word out.
245
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,752
You need to get the word out. When you're
a chick who wants to be seen as fuckable
246
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:56,087
and wants to, you know, let guys know,
"Hey, I'm available."
247
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:58,513
You put out thirst traps,
but it's really...
248
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,682
You can't...
You gotta be very delicate about it.
249
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:03,141
You can't be one of these girls
that's just like, "I'm hot."
250
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,812
Like, you can't... The only girls we let
do that are pornstars and supermodels,
251
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,642
where you can just have
your labia hanging out
252
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,478
and be like, "Rock the vote!"
And everyone's like, "Go girl!"
253
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,694
Like...
254
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:16,069
You can't just be a normal girl
just being like, "I'm hot."
255
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,322
Because then what happens?
256
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,453
Your girlfriends screenshot it, and they
start a text conversation about you
257
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:21,911
being like, "She thinks she's hot,"
258
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,121
and I only know that because I do it
259
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:25,081
to other girls,
260
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:27,041
'cause I'm jealous of your...
261
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,921
I'm just too insecure
to just put it out there.
262
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,419
So you got to like, you know,
group it with something else.
263
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,341
You always have to have an excuse
to be hot.
264
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,090
You can't just be. You have to be like,
"Happy birthday, Grandma!"
265
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:41,183
And then shove your tits
next to your grandmother's decaying head.
266
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,140
Be like, "Grandma!"
267
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,716
"Pool party for Grandma's birthday."
268
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:48,136
"Grandma, why'd you make me
wear this?"
269
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,055
"Grandma.
270
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:54,315
Grandma...
Coachella with Grandma, dialysis tent!"
271
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:58,108
She's just like, "My melanoma, Stacy,
272
00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,574
get me out of the sun.
273
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,906
I'm thirsty."
274
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,910
I'm just like, "So am I, Grandma. Smile."
275
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,958
You can't just be!
276
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,963
You have to have an excuse to be hot.
277
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,922
I mean, we used to have Halloween.
Remember that?
278
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,302
When we had Halloween?
279
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:20,258
Until every stand-up comedian since 1995
wrote a joke about like,
280
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,801
"Have you ever noticed
girls use Halloween
281
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,635
as an excuse to dress like sluts?"
282
00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,773
Yeah! I think I did!
283
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,980
I used to look forward to it
284
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,101
and plan for it and prepare for it.
285
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,398
But now because of you,
you've drawn attention to it.
286
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:37,532
So everyone knows.
287
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:41,278
So the only girls that get to dress
like sluts on Halloween are actual sluts,
288
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,162
and girls like me...
I have to be like, "I'm a mailbox!"
289
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,450
And like walk into a party...
290
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:50,754
with a big, cumbersome, cardboard box.
291
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:55,714
I'm like, "Why did I plank for two months?
What was the purpose of this?"
292
00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:57,875
Just let me be a slut.
293
00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,342
Let me fix my dress. Okay.
294
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,838
So, a year ago,
I was on the reality dance competition
295
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,296
Dancing with the Stars season 27,
296
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,599
and...
297
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,890
It's a real number. I know it seems fake.
298
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,774
It's been on since 1943, apparently.
299
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,225
I was so honored to be asked
300
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,573
and if you don't know, I got first...
301
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,071
voted off. So, that was...
302
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,491
Yeah.
303
00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:26,071
Devastating. Didn't see it coming.
304
00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,406
Okay, I'm not a good dancer,
I knew I wouldn't win,
305
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:31,002
I just didn't think I would be
first voted off.
306
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:34,368
Mostly 'cause there was a blind woman
on the show,
307
00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:36,076
so I thought maybe...
308
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:42,545
I'll be second. But, I was
a worse dancer than a blind woman...
309
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:43,883
and her dog.
310
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,426
It was just the way it was.
311
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:51,849
That bitch made it to the semis and...
the dog, and I...
312
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,935
It was... The show was amazing.
313
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,479
I almost didn't do the show
because I can't dance,
314
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,693
to be honest with you.
315
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:01,652
I... I've never danced,
I find it humiliating,
316
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,244
which is weird for me
because it's hard to make me embarrassed.
317
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,570
Like, I can stand up here and talk to you
about my vagina at length,
318
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:10,776
but like... Not about the length
of my vagina, but it's...
319
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:17,002
It's like two inches clit to slit if we're
really getting down to brass tacks, but...
320
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:19,996
But...
321
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:21,457
You see, sir.
322
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,592
It's just... I apologize.
323
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:29,223
I'm Me Too-ing you right now.
You did not ask for this,
324
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,215
but you're getting it.
325
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,770
God...
326
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:38,651
I... Yeah, I didn't want to do it
'cause I can't dance.
327
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,939
I've never been able to dance.
I don't dance at concerts.
328
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,363
I don't dance at weddings.
I don't dance at funerals.
329
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:44,942
I...
330
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,034
I'm reluctant to dance alone
in my own apartment, truly.
331
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:50,663
I just... I'm always scared
that there might be some intruder
332
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:53,871
watching me through the closet,
just, like, kind of judging me.
333
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:54,913
Like...
334
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,865
And he sees me, like, bust a move
335
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,996
and then he just murders me,
and it's like...
336
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,673
I want both.
337
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,549
How do you know you're pretty
when you get to heaven?
338
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:08,681
So...
339
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:11,012
I was legit not going to do it,
340
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:13,255
and then my friend was like,
"Wait a second, Nikki.
341
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:14,887
What about the outfits you get to wear?"
342
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,684
And I was like, "Shit."
343
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:20,690
I forgot that Dancing with the Stars
was an excuse to dress like a slut on TV.
344
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:23,111
I have... I completely forgot.
345
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,780
It's the greatest excuse.
346
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:28,398
"They made me wear this swimsuit. No."
347
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,987
So, when I got asked to do
Dancing with the Stars, I was psyched,
348
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:32,533
'cause I was like, "Okay, great.
349
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,826
What other reason does
a 35-year-old comedian
350
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,330
have to, like, wear a swimsuit on TV?"
351
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,913
And so I got all gussied up,
352
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,998
and it turns out I just look like
JonBenet Ramsey
353
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,793
had she survived
and never emotionally developed.
354
00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:46,377
Like, had she just kept living,
355
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:51,093
and never found any other interests
or talents, just like...
356
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:55,261
Christmas Eve '95, just like...
357
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,812
I wanted to be hot on that show so bad.
358
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,107
'Cause everyone is hot on that show.
359
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,898
They spray-tan you
within an inch of your race.
360
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,281
I mean that was weird.
361
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,696
I came out of the spray-tan booth
one day on that show
362
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:14,240
and I walked up to the producer,
I was like, "This is blackface.
363
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,704
I'm going to get canceled."
364
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:19,156
And so we, like, settled on,
like, a Guatemalan finish.
365
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,286
And for some reason, that's an acceptable
366
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,503
skin tone to adopt as a white woman...
367
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,088
for now.
368
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:28,257
I loved that show, dude.
369
00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:31,338
I was so sad when I got voted off
because it's such a hot show.
370
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,585
My dance partner was...
He's the hottest guy
371
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,007
I've ever seen in my life.
372
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:38,845
His name is Gleb Savchenko.
He is as hot as his name is...
373
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:39,772
disgusting.
374
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:42,810
So those two are perfectly correlated.
375
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:44,348
Gleb Savchenko.
376
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:48,068
The same spittle that comes out
of my mouth when I say his name,
377
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,900
is the same that would spritz
378
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,315
from between my legs
379
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,613
every time he walked
into the dance studio.
380
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:54,867
It was wild.
381
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:57,527
I was like,
"They're going to need to put down
382
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,538
like a wet floor sign when I perform.
383
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,000
I'm going to slip all over the place."
It was so hot.
384
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:04,542
Everyone wanted to know,
"Did you and Gleb bang?
385
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:05,955
Did you bang your partner?"
386
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:08,213
And it was like, "No 'cause he was married
387
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,625
and he said no, so I respected that."
388
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:12,972
I did.
389
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:16,599
Of course... He...
390
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:19,098
I was just honored to be
with the hottest guy on the show
391
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,183
because that meant
I was the hot girl on the show.
392
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:24,096
That's what everyone told me,
"If you get Gleb, you're the hot girl."
393
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,356
And I was like,
"Well, I got Gleb, so it must be!"
394
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,518
Then I found out
that he was supposed to be partnered
395
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,567
with a 24-year-old Instagram model,
396
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:34,491
but his wife wouldn't let him,
so she hand selected me
397
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:35,781
as his...
398
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,066
Yep.
399
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,702
Old Big Bird isn't a threat, so...
400
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:45,172
And I twasn't. I twas not.
401
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,840
My God.
402
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,798
But that show is so sexy.
403
00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:52,208
Even if you don't bang your partner,
my God,
404
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,217
I was horned up the whole time.
I'm getting touched so much.
405
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,140
You get touched so much
when you dance,
406
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,099
and I had just gotten out
of a relationship
407
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,349
where I didn't get touched at all,
except when he hit me,
408
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,771
and so it was just like...
409
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,685
It was in bed, and if he did it more,
we would have lasted.
410
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,149
But that's kind of what I'm into.
411
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,565
Anyone else getting into choked
and slapped?
412
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,569
I'm sorry.
413
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,440
It's not, like,
every time that I want that.
414
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,907
Just on days where I've talked to my mom
on the phone too much and I, like,
415
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,779
don't like who I am or where I came from
and I want to be called a dumb whore.
416
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,408
It's kind of fun.
417
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:25,624
I like being called a stupid slut in bed,
I think it's funny,
418
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,376
'cause I know I'm not.
Like, I was in AP English.
419
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,588
So, like, call me whatever you want.
420
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:31,919
I don't care.
421
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:34,508
I like it.
422
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,219
But, dude...
423
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,890
I was getting touched so much
on Dancing with the Stars,
424
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:41,849
and I need that 'cause my love language
is touch and money,
425
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,930
and so I was on Dancing with the Stars
just getting it all the time.
426
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:48,098
I was like hanging out
at the dance studio,
427
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,227
like, just talking to the other dancers
all the time
428
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:53,574
because then I figured out
that if you get injured they massage you.
429
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:57,700
Like, the other swarthy, shirtless Russian
dancers will just like rub you
430
00:19:57,779 --> 00:19:59,699
and so I sprained my clit a couple times,
431
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:01,621
and I was limping in with that
432
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,200
on a daily basis, just re-injuring it.
433
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:11,881
I developed an affliction called
"dancer's taint" that I made up and...
434
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,302
I was like, "Is there a way you could use
435
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,262
some of that gymnastics doctor's
techniques?
436
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,763
'Cause I know they were controversial,
437
00:20:21,845 --> 00:20:23,555
but if I consent to it..."
438
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,944
I gotta go. Thank you guys very much.
439
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,519
Thank you!
440
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:32,265
Thank you!
441
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:44,828
["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]
35745
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