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♪ ♪
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[Linda] Okay, I'm putting
in a load of laundry,
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00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,426
so everybody smell yourself.
4
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,060
Are your pajamas okay
or are they funky?
5
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,896
- [sniffs] Mine are okay.
- [Gene and Louise sniff]
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Mine are better than Tina's.
7
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Mine kind of smell like soup,
so I'm good.
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Okay then, I'm gonna do it.
You know the drill.
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Nothing else on
but the TV, right?
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- [kids] Yes.
- Wait. Is the tree off?
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00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,275
- [Kids] Yes.
- Bob, I'm starting the washer.
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00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,143
No toaster, no microwave,
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- okay?
- What?
14
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,013
- Did he say "Yup?"
- [kids] Uh-huh.
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00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,614
Lin? Linda?
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00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:50,050
Did you say you're starting
a wash? I hope not
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00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,085
- 'cause I'm making toast.
- I couldn't hear you.
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- Are you in the kitchen?
- No. I'm in the bathroom,
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- but I'm making toast.
- [Linda] You're "making it go"?
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Good for you. I'm proud of you.
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- [kids gasping]
- That's not good.
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- Oh, crap.
- No! No!
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Off TV bad!
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The whole subpanel's fried.
25
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This wiring is a disaster.
26
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None of this is up to code.
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You're lucky
just the panel blew.
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Your whole house could have
been a Christmas roast.
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- Aw.
- Not in a good way.
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Ah.
- Ah, well, uh,
as the landlord here,
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I should tell you
that this all feels very judgy.
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What's "code," really?
Just a way to be judgy.
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- Who did this work?
- Well, uh, this was
a collaboration
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00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:29,623
over the years with... involving
many different talents.
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Who can say who did what?
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Is this dried blood?
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Uh, it's ketchup.
38
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Uh, our handyman
does repairs down here
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and says he works better
when he's eating.
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- He doesn't.
- Hm.
- Oh.
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00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:41,468
- Mm-hmm.
- I can fix it,
42
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but you won't have power
for three or four days.
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What?!
But Christmas is in two days!
44
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I know.
And I'm excited to be here.
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We can't have no power
for Christmas!
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Your landlord should
put you up somewhere.
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What, me?
48
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:55,883
Why is it always
the landlord's problem?
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00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:56,950
Ugh, fine.
50
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,587
Let's go and let him
do his precious up-to-code work.
51
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Should the sign just say,
"Electricity's out.
52
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See you when we see you"?
That-that sounds wrong.
53
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Well, you're in luck.
I can put you up at the lodge.
54
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- The lodge?
- Yes. My family's
old hunting lodge.
55
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We don't use it much.
It's a bit, uh, hunty lodgey.
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My father bought it
when we were kids
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so he'd have a place
to do his falconry.
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- Falcon Crest?
- Falconry. It's a-it's a--
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00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,607
- Oh.
- it's-it's a kind of hunting
with trained falcons.
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He wasn't any good at it
and they usually flew away,
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00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,812
but we just kept
buying him more falcons.
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It was nice, actually,
because he was hard to shop for.
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Can you excuse us a sec?
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Are we gonna spend Christmas
in Mr. Fischoeder's lodge?
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Not be in our house?
For Christmas?
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It sounds sad and terrible.
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I know, but power is good?
68
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,959
Why did Mr. Fischoeder have
to call a real electrician?
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00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,894
Teddy could have
gotten us through Christmas.
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- Teddy did this.
- Don't blame him
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00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,098
just 'cause he doesn't know
what he's doing.
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(groans) Can we bring
our Christmas stuff?
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And the tree?
Make it feel more like home?
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Sure. Wait. The tree? How?
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We-we already decorated it.
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- I need the tree, Bob.
- Uh, okay, okay.
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- I need it.
- I got it.
- [clears throat]
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00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:56,743
Well, you seem very excited.
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00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,779
And I was thinking
of not standing here anymore.
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So, can I call the caretaker
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00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:02,082
and tell him not to drive up
to the lodge tonight?
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- The caretaker?
- Yes, Old Mr. McCormick.
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00:03:04,217 --> 00:03:06,419
You'd be
doing me a favor, really,
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00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:08,188
if you'd spend
a few nights there.
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I wouldn't have to
pay that crank
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00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,291
to lick the pipes
or whatever it is he does
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00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,793
to keep the heat
and water running.
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- Lick the pipes?
- I don't know.
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It's an old house, but we pay
old crotchety McCormick
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to go up there,
and if you good folks go up,
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you can lick the pipes and, uh,
I could save the five dollars.
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Look at the tree, poor thing.
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Is there any way
we can play it some music
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or a podcast or something?
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- I don't think so.
- Okay, never mind.
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We got the cooking stuff,
we got the stockings.
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Oh, I forgot the deodorant.
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Eh, that's okay.
Maybe, Santa'll bring some.
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- Yeah.
- Wait. Oh, crap!
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How will Santa know that we're
going to a different house?
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Is there paperwork we
have to fill out or something?
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He knows, honey.
They track our phones, I think.
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- That sounds right.
- Yeah.
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Okay, uh, so do we know that
for sure?
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- Do we know that for sure?!
- Louise, it'll be fine.
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We have to go. I want to try
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and make it up the mountain
before dark.
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[Linda] Okay.
Everyone, say, "Bye, house."
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[all]
Bye, house.
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[gasps]
Uh, you, too, restaurant! Phew.
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That was close.
We almost had to go back.
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[Bob]
Oh, God. I'm not sure
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the tires can handle this.
They're-they're pretty bald.
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Look who's talking.
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Yeah, aren't we supposed
to have chains or something?
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Like cool chains
that connect to our wallets?
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[Bob]
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
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[Louise]
This is like a nightmare.
- [Bob] I know.
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I-I'm very scared,
but I'm being brave.
120
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,493
- No, Dad. The Santa thing.
- Oh.
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I had very reasonable stuff
on my list,
122
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,697
and I was exactly
a reasonable amount of good,
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00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,933
so I was expecting
to run the table this year.
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I was gonna get the whole list.
The whole list!
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No screaming unless we're
tumbling off the cliff, please.
126
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,273
Louise, honey, calm down.
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We'd all rather be home
for Christmas in the place
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where we've spent
every Christmas
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since you kids were born,
but we're not, and that's fine.
130
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,013
- It's fine.
- Guys, there's no way
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00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,815
Santa's gonna be able
to find us.
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00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,417
Do your phones
even work up here?
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I'm pretty sure
Santa's got, um, sleigh-dar.
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00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,287
Hit him up on LinkedIn.
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[Bob]
Oh, I don't like that.
136
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We gonna make it,
or is this the end?
137
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:51,959
Could go either way.
138
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:54,261
Dad, you said you wanted
to get there before dark.
139
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,562
- Yup.
- But it's dark.
140
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,264
- Yup.
- So we really got to hurry.
141
00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:00,133
- [Bob whimpers]
- Dad's voice keeps
getting higher.
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Kids, no talking to your father.
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00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,437
Close your eyes. Try to rest.
144
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:05,272
And if we end up upside down
in a ravine,
145
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,873
go ahead
and eat your father and me.
146
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,475
[Gene]
I call Mom's legs!
147
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:10,544
- [Louise] Whoa.
- [Gene] Whoa.
- [Tina] Whoa.
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00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,146
- [Bob] Thank God we made it.
- [Linda sighs]
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[Bob] I did that. I did it.
150
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,182
[Linda] Good driving, Bobby.
Pretty much.
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All right, everyone
grab something and bring it
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into Mr. Fischoeder's old, dark,
not-too-scary, mountain mansion.
153
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It's kind of cool looking.
And... we're alive.
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00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:25,425
I'm still just so happy
about that.
155
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:27,294
Once we turn on some lights
and start a fire
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00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,896
and bring in the decorations,
I bet it'll be really nice.
157
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,532
Yeah, I've had a box
of ornaments
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00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,033
on my lap for 90 miles.
159
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,569
- They'd better earn their keep.
- You're right, kids.
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00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,671
We'll Christmas the hell
out of this place.
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00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,040
But, uh, let's do all
the decorating stuff tomorrow,
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- right?
- Oh, yeah.
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Tonight, I'm only unpacking
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00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,878
the Rudolph the Red Wine
Reindeer glasses
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00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,847
and pouring us a glass of--
Oh, my God!
166
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,182
- What?
- Where's the tree?!
167
00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,650
- Oh my God.
- Where's the tree?!
168
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,223
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
169
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:58,658
The tree must have fallen off
on the drive up here.
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00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:01,595
Oh, I knew we should have
put the tree on my lap somehow.
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00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,697
Or at least that thing
where you hold onto it
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00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,199
with one arm out the window.
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00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:07,935
Like Dad did with my old
mattress before it blew off.
174
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,936
We should have had
a professional come tie it on.
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00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,606
Like a surgeon,
a-a tree surgeon or something.
176
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,308
Instead of us burger people.
177
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,410
- We did our best.
- That doesn't sound like us.
178
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:19,880
It was the road.
That bumpy, snowy, evil road.
179
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,449
Uh, okay, okay.
So it's... it fell off.
180
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,451
We'll just drive back down
and get it.
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00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,553
- Oh, no, no. No.
- Yes, Bob. The tree!
182
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,888
Linda, it-it's a miracle
that we're here.
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00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,691
We shouldn't have driven
on that road
184
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:33,560
in this car with these tires,
and it's snowing.
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00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,362
Every moment,
the road is getting worse.
186
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,097
We-we can't drive back to town.
187
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:40,201
Oh! Bobby, I can't stand
thinking about our tree
188
00:06:40,301 --> 00:06:42,603
outside in the cold all alone.
189
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:45,405
It's fine. That's how a tree
spends its entire life.
190
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,073
- Well, that's just awful.
- I know.
191
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:49,877
- Awful.
- Yup. Come on,
let-let's go inside.
192
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,545
[whines]
193
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:54,347
Uh, I'll, uh,
I'll put this down
194
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,149
and, uh, feel
for a light switch.
195
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,818
Well, your father's gone.
He's never coming back.
196
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,321
I'd take out my phone if
I had one and use it as a light,
197
00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:01,889
- but, you know.
- Tina not now.
198
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,191
- You won't let me get a phone...
- Shushies.
199
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,193
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Bad falcon!
200
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,028
This is kinda nice.
201
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,163
Looks like they updated
the kitchen at some point.
202
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,000
A guy could maybe
cook a Christmas meal in here?
203
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,402
- [Gene] Guy Fieri?
- Louise] Chimney. Okay, check.
204
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,404
That's one thing
going for us, Santa-wise.
205
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,273
And we can have
all our shareholder meetings
206
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,876
at this totally
normal-sized table,
207
00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:24,678
- so that's good.
- Um, that's terrifying.
208
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,913
It's, uh, very falcony.
209
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:27,948
Why is it so big?
210
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,617
Oh, God,
I'll have to look at it
211
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,884
while I'm cooking, too.
212
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,353
Uh, I bet we'll all
get used to it,
213
00:07:32,353 --> 00:07:34,155
and then we won't even
notice it anymore. Maybe?
214
00:07:34,155 --> 00:07:35,423
Yeah, like Dad's dead tooth.
215
00:07:35,423 --> 00:07:37,191
- Or his dead toenail.
- They're not dead,
216
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:38,592
they're just struggling.
217
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,661
Well, should we figure out
where they put the beds
218
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:41,962
in this winter wonderland?
219
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,198
I call the room with
the fewest dead animals.
220
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,700
- What the heck is that?
- There's a little plaque.
221
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,535
It says "Indoor Funicular
222
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,772
by the Argyle Elevator and
Mechanical Amusements Company."
223
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,640
I loved their first album,
but then
224
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:54,908
Stevie Nicks left the band.
225
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,877
- Should we ride it?
- Let's see if we can
226
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,946
figure out
how to work it. Oh.
227
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,047
Top or Bottom.
228
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,749
- That's the eternal question.
- Okay.
229
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,050
Ready?
Here-here we go.
230
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,185
Everyone hold on to something
so you don't
231
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,154
fall when it takes off.
232
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,556
[machine humming]
233
00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:12,893
- Are we moving?
- No, it hasn't started yet.
234
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,094
Or wait. Has it?
235
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,497
Should we just get out
and take the stairs?
236
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,497
[Gene]
Gross.
237
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:18,565
I call top bunk!
238
00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:20,834
Oh. No one else
is sleeping in here?
239
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,536
Hey, I'm in
the Elmer Fudd suite.
240
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:25,038
FYI, I might have scary
dreams tonight. No reason.
241
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,274
Is everyone else's bed
the size of our kitchen?
242
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,410
What? No.
These beds are small.
243
00:08:29,410 --> 00:08:33,613
- Did you say yours is big?
- Uh, no. Good night.
244
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,782
[Bob] Why would anyone
245
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,184
put that painting
in a dining room?
246
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:39,553
- It'd look ridiculous
in the bathroom?
- [sighs]
247
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,555
You know what should
go right there? The tree.
248
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,223
It could look out
the window if it wants.
249
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,959
- And think about what it's done.
- God, there's weird stuff
250
00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:47,628
on Mr. Fischoeder's
caretaker's list.
251
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,163
"Beat the rugs with the drapes
252
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:52,399
"while the curtains watch,
get mail from mailbox,
253
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,135
"burn mail,
brush teeth on bear head.
254
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,771
Never break eye contact."
Hm.
255
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,006
Dad, stop talking about
the list.
256
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,808
The only list
that matters is Santa's.
257
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:02,276
Here's a thought.
What if he finds you
258
00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:03,611
by the smell of the cookies?
259
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:05,913
- Oh, my God, the cookies.
- Yeah, I know. I'm smart.
260
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,681
I forgot the flour
for the cookies.
261
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,984
What?
So no tree and no cookies?
262
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,085
We need to pull
this together, people.
263
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,921
Maybe Mr. Fischoeder has flour?
264
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,923
I hope so, but I'm worried that
265
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,358
if it is there
it might be very old.
266
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,894
Or cocaine.
Also, Louise,
267
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:21,728
I-I think I can still
make cookies for Santa
268
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,598
- without flour.
- Do you think Santa's
gluten-free, Dad?
269
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:27,434
- I--
- Do you think Santa's
gluten-free, Dad?!
270
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,335
- Uh...
- Do You?!
271
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,004
I think Santa's mostly gluten.
272
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:32,206
No flour, no cocaine,
but how about rum?
273
00:09:32,206 --> 00:09:34,141
Ugh!
This is a disaster.
274
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,476
Look, we can at least
solve the tree problem.
275
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,245
We're surrounded
by Christmas trees.
276
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,780
Let's just chop one down.
277
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,016
A different tree?
A stranger tree?
278
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:44,051
That we just met
in the forest somewhere?
279
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,553
- I-I guess we could do that.
- But our tree.
280
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:49,690
That we brought home.
That knows us and loves us.
281
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,492
Mom, a tree in the hand
is better than one in a ditch.
282
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:56,030
Oh, my God, poor tree
in a ditch. Ugh, okay, fine.
283
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,098
Fine, we can go look.
284
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,034
Well, the good news
is that axe seems pretty heavy,
285
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,670
so there's no way Dad has
the upper body strength
286
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,138
to go full Shining on us.
287
00:10:04,138 --> 00:10:06,540
Yeah. Half Shining at most.
No offense, Dad.
288
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,275
I think I could Shining
all of you if I had to.
289
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,710
Although I'm tired
because I didn't
290
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,279
get enough sleep last night
on that little bed.
291
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,248
Oh, yeah,
those beds are so tiny.
292
00:10:14,248 --> 00:10:15,783
- Uh, how-how about this one?
- Eh.
293
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,451
- Or this one's nice.
- Meh.
294
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:20,153
- Okay. How about this guy, huh?
- Eh...
295
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:23,123
It's just, none of these trees
have what our tree has:
296
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,792
that effortless charm and wit.
297
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:28,095
That perfect bushiness, but
without being cocky about it.
298
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,997
It was a little cocky.
299
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,965
Okay, fine.
300
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,567
Do it.
That one.
301
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,135
So, I guess I just start
302
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,504
chopping at the trunky part?
303
00:10:36,504 --> 00:10:38,806
No technical terms.
Dumb it down for us.
304
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:41,142
All right, maybe like, uh...
305
00:10:41,142 --> 00:10:43,544
Wait. Do trees die
when you cut them down?
306
00:10:43,544 --> 00:10:45,312
- Yeah, Tina.
- Right.
307
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,414
- [Louise] Uh...
- [Tina groaning]
308
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,282
- [Gene whimpering]
- [Linda] Eh...
309
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:51,952
- Forget it, forget it,
- Yeah.
310
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,253
- stop, stop, stop.
- Phew.
- Oh, thank God.
311
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,421
Bob, I want to go down and
312
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,956
- look for our tree.
- [Bob groans]
313
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,924
The sun is out.
The road is clear.
314
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,894
And we need flour.
You stay with the kids.
315
00:10:59,894 --> 00:11:01,228
I'll just zip down
to that little market
316
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,563
at the bottom of the mountain
317
00:11:02,563 --> 00:11:04,364
and be back quicker
than you can lick a pipe.
318
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,033
Oh, right, we haven't
licked the pipes yet.
319
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,734
- This is a good plan.
- But, Lin,
320
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:08,969
we don't even know
where it fell off.
321
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,271
Sure we do.
Somewhere between here
322
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,773
and the bottom of the mountain.
323
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,174
She's hot on its trail.
324
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,442
Even if you find the tree,
325
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,077
how-how will you get it
in the car?
326
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,346
I'll use my superhuman
Christmas magic mom strength.
327
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,282
Yeah. Or she'll just
close the door on it
328
00:11:21,382 --> 00:11:22,549
and drag it alongside the car
329
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,084
like she does
with her purse sometimes.
330
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,352
And her skirts.
331
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,088
And if that doesn't work,
I'll come get you
332
00:11:27,088 --> 00:11:28,355
and we'll both do it.
333
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,324
I'm gonna save Christmas.
Oh, wait.
334
00:11:30,324 --> 00:11:31,925
I don't have my keys.
Or my wallet.
335
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,160
And I better
go inside and pee first.
336
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,328
Uh, let's all go in.
337
00:11:34,428 --> 00:11:36,330
But maybe Mr. Axe stays outside?
338
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:39,099
Oh, yeah. Mr. Axe
is gonna go back in the shed
339
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,767
with his friend Mr. Machete.
340
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:42,970
And I think
I saw a hand grenade,
341
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,738
so nobody go in there.
342
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:47,307
[Linda]
Don't worry, tree,
I'm coming for you.
343
00:11:47,408 --> 00:11:49,743
Dang it, I wish
I gave you a flare gun.
344
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,945
Okay, I got to stay positive.
345
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:54,281
Can't give up.
Christmas miracle time.
346
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,450
Here we go.
I'm gonna find you.
347
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:59,152
Oh, crap, I'm at
the bottom of the mountain.
348
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,455
[all grunting]
349
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,223
Louise, you don't seem
that into this.
350
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,325
You're not aiming for my glasses
like you usually do.
351
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,561
Yeah, I know, sorry. It's just,
look at that big field.
352
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:10,030
I guess we're calling anything
a field these days.
353
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,698
You think if we spelled
something out with fire,
354
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:14,434
Santa could see it from
his satellite or whatever?
355
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,570
- Come on.
- Oh, yeah, that could work.
356
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:19,673
But maybe not fire,
because it's fire. Um,
357
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,475
- what about sticks?
- And stones?
358
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:22,643
No, wait-- our bones.
359
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,945
At least I got the stupid flour.
360
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,047
Oh, tree, I give up.
I'm never gonna find you.
361
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,016
Oh, my God, there you are!
362
00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,417
Our tree. It's our tree!
363
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,286
I never gave up on you.
Whoa. Okay, don't die.
364
00:12:32,286 --> 00:12:33,753
Don't die. Don't die.
365
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,926
I can't wait to tell Bob
I found our tree. And he thought
366
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:40,961
I couldn't do it.
367
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,529
I'll only say "I told you so,"
like, four times.
368
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,032
Maybe five.
Why isn't it ringing?
369
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:46,400
Oh, no bars.
370
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:49,536
It's kind of steep,
but it's safe, right?
371
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,505
Safe-ish. Whoa.
372
00:12:51,505 --> 00:12:53,941
Whoa! Whoa. Whoa...
373
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,742
Okay, okay.
374
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:56,743
Oh, boy.
375
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,011
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
376
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,813
This is better.
This is better.
377
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,181
Oh, and butt's getting
pretty wet.
378
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,483
Butt's getting wet.
[shouting]
379
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,319
Whoa. [shouting]
380
00:13:05,419 --> 00:13:06,686
[grunts]
381
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,455
And that's how you do that.
382
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,192
Hey, Lin, uh,
I haven't heard from you.
383
00:13:11,292 --> 00:13:13,193
Uh, hope you're okay and, uh,
384
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,162
not, uh,
running out of gas somewhere
385
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,865
or being torn apart
by anything in the woods.
386
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:19,499
Not-not that you would
get torn apart.
387
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,835
You're-you're a strong person.
I definitely would.
388
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:25,006
Between the two of us,
I would be the one to get torn--
389
00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:26,073
Forget it. Call me.
390
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,609
[Louise]
[sighs] Boy, this is taking
a long time.
391
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:31,211
Do you think "BEL" kind of
gets the point across?
392
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,447
[Gene]
As long as he doesn't think
it's Bell Biv DeVoe.
393
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:35,782
- [Tina] Or Harry Belafonte.
- [Gene] Or Mr. Belvedere.
394
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:37,884
Oh, God.
Okay, okay. We got to finish it.
395
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:39,487
But we're running out
of big branches.
396
00:13:39,587 --> 00:13:42,757
We could use Mom and Dad's
clothes. Or Gene?
397
00:13:42,757 --> 00:13:44,491
I am good at lying down.
398
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,760
[groaning]
399
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,964
Aah! Whoa.
400
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,799
No! Oh, come on.
401
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:55,636
Why does dragging
a Christmas tree
402
00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:59,639
up a snowy mountain
have to be so hard?
403
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,512
Okay, I don't love that.
404
00:14:04,612 --> 00:14:06,446
Oh, sun's gone.
405
00:14:06,547 --> 00:14:08,282
Ooh, that is cold.
That is very cold.
406
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:10,584
Can you die of cold?
No, right?
407
00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:11,819
That's only in the movies.
408
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,620
[Bob]
[grunts] Get up there.
409
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,623
Oh... [grunts] Come on.
410
00:14:15,623 --> 00:14:17,024
What are you doing?
411
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,425
Uh, I'm trying to make it
so that I don't have to
412
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,760
look at this painting anymore.
413
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,562
- [grunts]
- You did it. Good job.
414
00:14:21,562 --> 00:14:24,831
Thanks. I-I'm just glad
it finally w-- Mm.
415
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:27,034
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah. What are you doing?
416
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,502
We're looking for stuff
to spell out
417
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:29,770
a giant message to Santa.
418
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:32,206
You don't love the clothes
you brought with you, right?
419
00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:35,042
I don't love them,
but I want to keep them inside.
420
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,143
Like your feelings.
421
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,544
Can't you just use branches
422
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:38,612
since we're in the woods?
423
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,013
We found some, but it's snowy,
424
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:40,680
and they're deep down,
425
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,416
and our tiny hands got cold.
426
00:14:42,516 --> 00:14:44,618
So we're actually gonna
need this. Thank you.
427
00:14:44,618 --> 00:14:46,687
- No, no, no, I need that.
- I need this.
428
00:14:46,687 --> 00:14:48,055
- No.
- I need this!
429
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,489
- Louise.
- Fine.
430
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,591
[grunts] Uh... uh-oh.
431
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:52,760
So you took care of that.
432
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,795
Uh, it turns out
I'm not good at--
433
00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,363
- No, Louise, no, no.
- What?
434
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,798
- No. Put it down.
- Okay...
435
00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:58,799
- What about...
- Put it down.
436
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,968
Ugh! Do you hate presents?
437
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:01,836
Aah! I'm all right.
438
00:15:01,836 --> 00:15:05,873
Ah, ha, ha, Tina!
You beautiful beast.
439
00:15:05,873 --> 00:15:08,142
Dad, are these allowed outside?
440
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:09,543
- Any objections?
- Mm.
441
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,678
Gene, come grab
these spelling sticks.
442
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:12,946
If I wanted to carry skis,
443
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,082
I would have gone with Ken
to Breckenridge.
444
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:17,017
[panting]
Oh, please.
445
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,351
Please let me make it
to the car.
446
00:15:18,452 --> 00:15:21,054
Oh, I can't wait
to put that heater on.
447
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,490
I love that heater so much.
448
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,591
Almost there.
449
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,494
So tired.
Body giving out.
450
00:15:27,595 --> 00:15:29,096
Spirit giving out.
451
00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:31,365
Bladder holding on. Mostly.
452
00:15:31,465 --> 00:15:32,432
Hang on, tree.
453
00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:35,735
I'm gonna put ornaments
all over you.
454
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,938
Whoa...!
455
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:39,340
Oh! Oh, thank God.
456
00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:42,943
Thank God--
No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
457
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,378
Oh! [shouting]
458
00:15:44,478 --> 00:15:46,112
Oh!
459
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:50,851
No...!
460
00:15:50,851 --> 00:15:53,220
- [bird screeches]
- Oh, hush.
461
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:59,660
Hey, Lin, uh, me again.
Please don't be dead.
462
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:00,927
That's my one request.
463
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,430
Oh, and flour.
But mostly don't be dead
464
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,233
because I don't know
how I'd go on without you.
465
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,768
And also, you're better
at wrapping presents than me.
466
00:16:08,869 --> 00:16:10,704
- Okay, goodbye.
- Dad, go to the window.
467
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:13,340
Look out-look out the window.
Go, go, go to the window, Dad.
468
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,876
Okay. "Belcher."
Looks good.
469
00:16:15,876 --> 00:16:17,611
I hope you're excited
to bring all that
470
00:16:17,611 --> 00:16:18,912
back in the house later.
471
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,814
That sounds like
a caretaker's responsibility.
472
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:22,616
So, okay,
I'm gonna take a walk,
473
00:16:22,616 --> 00:16:26,487
mostly to, uh, you know,
get some air, enjoy nature.
474
00:16:26,487 --> 00:16:28,355
But also to see
if your mom crashed the car
475
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:29,890
and is freezing to death somewhere.
476
00:16:29,890 --> 00:16:31,558
- [kids] Oh.
- She has been gone a while.
477
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,661
I just assumed she and the tree
ran off together
478
00:16:33,661 --> 00:16:35,963
and she'd send for the children
once they're settled.
479
00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:38,332
Honestly, guys, it's a long shot
Mom would be able
480
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:39,800
to find the tree.
I'm sorry.
481
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:41,802
But I-I'm gonna
see if I can find her.
482
00:16:41,802 --> 00:16:44,738
But Mom is in a car.
You are on your--
483
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:46,373
no offense-- very slow legs.
484
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:47,875
Well, I-I need to do something.
485
00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:49,443
Your-your mom might be stuck.
486
00:16:49,543 --> 00:16:51,378
Is this partly
to get away from the painting?
487
00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:53,814
No. A little.
I really don't like it.
488
00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:55,815
It'll be okay.
I'll be back soon.
489
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,417
Uh, with your mom.
Who's fine.
490
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,019
And the car.
Both in one piece.
491
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,689
Hopefully. Totally alive.
Both of them.
492
00:17:01,789 --> 00:17:04,758
Uh, well, not the ca--
It's fine.
493
00:17:05,626 --> 00:17:07,694
[grunting]
494
00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:12,532
Whoa! Oh, okay.
495
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:14,534
Okay, we got a problem.
496
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,605
Oh! I don't know
how to tell you this.
497
00:17:17,605 --> 00:17:20,407
I'm not gonna be able
to bring you up, tree.
498
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,541
[sniffles]
Huh.
499
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,410
I could tell you that
I'm gonna go get Bob
500
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,712
and a rope,
and we'll be back for you,
501
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,414
but here's the thing.
502
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,550
I don't think
that's a good idea.
503
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:32,386
I love you, tree,
but if I come back with Bob
504
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:35,022
and we both die,
the kids'll be all alone,
505
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,790
and I don't think they'll put
themselves to bed
506
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,592
at a reasonable hour.
You know?
507
00:17:38,692 --> 00:17:41,128
And I'm kind of missing
Christmas Eve over here.
508
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,464
I know I picked you
out of all the other trees,
509
00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:45,132
and you were the one,
you really were.
510
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:48,635
[sniffles] But I got to
leave you here, my sweet baby.
511
00:17:48,736 --> 00:17:50,271
Mama's got to go.
512
00:17:50,271 --> 00:17:52,039
Here.
513
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,741
I know you like ornaments.
514
00:17:53,741 --> 00:17:56,009
Eh. Eh. [sniffles]
515
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,344
There. [sniffles]
516
00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:00,013
You look beautiful. Okay.
517
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:03,016
Okay, I got to go now.
518
00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:07,021
Nope, nope, you can't come.
You can't come.
519
00:18:07,021 --> 00:18:09,022
I'm sorry. Sorry.
520
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:11,525
I'm sorry. Get off!
521
00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:13,761
Get off! I'm sorry.
522
00:18:13,761 --> 00:18:16,296
You look beautiful.
523
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,531
[grunting]
524
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:26,774
Is that Linda?
525
00:18:26,874 --> 00:18:28,308
Bob? Bob!
526
00:18:28,409 --> 00:18:30,177
- Linda!
- What are you doing out here?
527
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,312
Uh, looking for you.
528
00:18:31,412 --> 00:18:32,980
I left you a bunch of messages.
529
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,348
I didn't have any bars.
530
00:18:34,348 --> 00:18:36,049
Were you looking for the tree
this whole time?
531
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,384
I found it.
532
00:18:37,485 --> 00:18:38,518
- You did?
- Yeah.
533
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,021
We, uh, we got ourselves
into a little situation.
534
00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:44,024
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You have a stick in your hair.
535
00:18:44,024 --> 00:18:46,560
And snow in my pants
and in my underwear.
536
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,029
Everything's numb down there.
I'm not peeing, am I?
537
00:18:49,029 --> 00:18:51,965
I-I don't think so.
Uh, but where-where's the tree?
538
00:18:52,065 --> 00:18:54,101
Ugh.
The tree didn't make it, Bob.
539
00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:56,036
- Oh.
- Yep, yep.
540
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,871
She's gone. She's gone.
541
00:18:57,871 --> 00:19:00,140
- Oh, I'm sorry, Lin.
- Yeah.
542
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,876
- [Bob] Did you get the flour?
- Yes, I got the flour.
543
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:05,779
Geez, have some respect
for the dead, huh?
544
00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:08,148
Look who got flour.
545
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,516
- Mom!
- Mom!
- Momala!
546
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:10,951
My Genie beanie. Aw.
547
00:19:10,951 --> 00:19:13,554
My teeny Tina.
And my squeezy Louisey.
548
00:19:13,654 --> 00:19:16,157
- Dad's back, too.
- Good to see you, man.
549
00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:17,291
I should have been here,
550
00:19:17,291 --> 00:19:18,659
spending the day
with my babies.
551
00:19:18,659 --> 00:19:20,727
And I couldn't bring home
our Christmas tree.
552
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,529
- I'm really sorry.
- That's okay.
553
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,530
- We made one.
- [gasps]
554
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,467
Oh, it's the best
Christmas tree ever.
555
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:29,169
[Louise]
Yeah, 'cause where's Santa
gonna put the presents, right?
556
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,937
I mean, we assumed
you were gonna get the tree,
557
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,874
- but just in case, Tina said
we should make a backup.
- What?
558
00:19:33,874 --> 00:19:35,909
I love it.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
559
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,411
Sorry I've been
such a crumb bum
560
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,146
about coming here.
I just want to be
561
00:19:39,146 --> 00:19:40,881
wherever you guys are.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
562
00:19:40,981 --> 00:19:42,449
mwah, mwah, mwah.
Christmas!
563
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,451
So you dug down in the snow
and found more branches?
564
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:47,287
God no. We borrowed some
from the Santa signal
565
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,690
and then we just filled in
with some perfectly okay things
566
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:51,491
from the house that you said
were fine to take.
567
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,427
- [Linda]
Oh, you used the towels.
- [Tina] All of them.
568
00:19:53,427 --> 00:19:56,630
- We weren't gonna bathe, right?
- Why start now?
- [Bob] Mm.
569
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,031
And we made Dad something, too.
570
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,033
- [Bob] You covered it?
- [Gene] We used wrapping paper
571
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,735
and the cheap tape Mom buys,
so we may have to
572
00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:03,136
re-stick it a few times.
573
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,572
That looks so much better.
574
00:20:04,672 --> 00:20:07,374
It's like they're excited
about opening that present.
575
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,942
Which is probably a dead bunny.
576
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,911
Okay, I'm gonna
go dig the snow out of my butt,
577
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:12,913
and then let's bake
some cookies!
578
00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:15,048
I bet Mrs. Claus
says the same thing every year.
579
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:17,885
[Louise] All right, the ball's
in your court, Santa.
580
00:20:17,885 --> 00:20:19,653
The full list!
581
00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:21,221
[Santa] ♪ Gluten, ho, ho, ho! ♪
582
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,924
♪ There's no disputin'
I love gluten ♪
583
00:20:24,024 --> 00:20:26,126
♪ Ah ♪
584
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,162
♪ Gluten, ho, ho, ho! ♪
585
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,630
♪ You're darn tootin'
I love gluten ♪
586
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,633
♪ Ho, ho! ♪
587
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:34,201
♪ You got celiac? ♪
588
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:35,936
♪ Well, I got your back ♪
589
00:20:35,936 --> 00:20:39,006
♪ But if I have
that snack attack ♪
590
00:20:39,006 --> 00:20:41,909
♪ Gimme that gluten,
ho, ho, ho! ♪
591
00:20:42,009 --> 00:20:44,411
♪ There's no disputin'
I love gluten ♪
592
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,647
♪ Ho, ho, ho! ♪
593
00:20:46,747 --> 00:20:49,450
Merry Christmas, everybody!
594
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:52,119
Where's my cookies?
I earned 'em.
595
00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:55,121
Captioning sponsored by
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