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1
00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:06,423
Most men
like working on things--
2
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,133
tools, objects, fixing things.
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:09,718
This is what men enjoy doing.
4
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:12,429
Have you ever noticed
if a guy's out in his driveway,
5
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:13,973
working on something with tools,
6
00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:16,099
how all of the other men
in the neighborhood
7
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:18,310
are magnetically drawn
to this activity?
8
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,647
They just come wandering
out of the house like zombies.
9
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:26,401
Men, it's true, men hear a
drill, it's like a dog whistle,
10
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:27,736
it just...
11
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:32,324
You know, they go running up
to that living room curtain,
12
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:35,202
"Honey, I think Jim's working
on something over there."
13
00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:37,746
So they run over to the guy.
14
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:40,248
Now, they don't actually
help the guy. No.
15
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:44,294
They just wanna
hang around the area
16
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,965
where work is being done.
17
00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,174
[CROWD LAUGHS]
18
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,635
That's what men wanna do.
19
00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,052
We wanna watch the guy.
20
00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:54,388
We wanna talk to him,
21
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,598
We wanna ask him dumb questions.
22
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,851
You know...
23
00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,061
"What are you using,
a Phillips head?"
24
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,690
You know, we feel involved.
25
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:07,067
That's why, when they have
construction sites,
26
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,653
they have to have those
wood panel fences around it.
27
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,446
That's just
to keep the men out.
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,199
They cut those little holes
for us
29
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:17,244
so we can see
what the hell is going on...
30
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,079
but if they don't cut
those holes,
31
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,164
we are climbing those fences.
32
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:22,666
Right over there.
33
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:25,252
"What are you using,
the steel girders down here?
34
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,087
Yeah, that'll hold."
35
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,177
[♪♪♪]
36
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,937
I had to say
something.
37
00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:43,979
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS]
38
00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:45,313
I had to say something
39
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:46,815
Everything was going
so well.
40
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,233
I had to say something.
41
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,778
I don't think you did
anything wrong.
42
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,571
I told her I liked her.
43
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:53,697
Why?
44
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,407
Why did I tell her
I like her?
45
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:59,870
I have this sick compulsion
to tell women how I feel.
46
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,663
I like you.
I don't tell you.
47
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,124
We can only thank God for that.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
48
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,334
I'm out of
the picture.
49
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:07,753
I am out of
the picture.
50
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:08,921
Huhu-ho!
51
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,923
Matter of time now.
52
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:12,591
You're imagining this.
Really.
53
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,760
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
54
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,057
I'll tell you
when it happened too.
55
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:23,518
When that floss came
flying out of my pocket.
56
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,230
What floss? When?
We were in the lobby
57
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,066
during the intermission
of the play,
58
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:31,026
I was buying her
one of those containers
59
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,903
of orange drink for $5.
60
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,738
I reach into my pocket
to pay for it,
61
00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:37,116
I look down, there's this
piece of green floss
62
00:02:37,116 --> 00:02:38,575
hanging from my fingers.
63
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:39,952
Ah, mint.
64
00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,453
Of course.
65
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:42,871
So I'm looking at it.
66
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,958
I look up, I see
she's looking at it.
67
00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,793
Our eyes lock.
68
00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:51,170
It was a horrible
moment. I just...
69
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,381
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
70
00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:55,300
So let me get this straight.
71
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,011
She saw the floss.
Yeah.
72
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,303
You panicked,
73
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:00,055
and you told her
you liked her.
74
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:02,016
If I didn't put
that floss in my pocket,
75
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:04,267
I'd be crawling around
her bedroom right now,
76
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,269
looking for my glasses.
77
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:09,023
You sure the floss
was the catalyst?
78
00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:11,733
Yes, I am.
You don't think
it might have had
79
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,319
anything to do with that?
80
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,363
You mean
you don't like this?
81
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:19,366
It looks like your belt
is digesting a small animal.
82
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,536
Oh, they got
a cure for cancer.
83
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,746
See, it's all big business.
84
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:28,458
Oh, hey!
Jerry just walked in.
85
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:29,960
Hi, George!
86
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,130
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take my number.
87
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:37,551
Uh, it's 555-8643.
88
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,387
Okay. Here he is.
89
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,181
[WHISPERING]
Who is it?
90
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:43,682
Take it.
91
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,475
Who is it?
It's for you.
92
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,354
Hello?
93
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,065
Oh, hi, Joel.
94
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,315
Wha--?
95
00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:53,525
No, uh...
96
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,235
I was out of town.
I just got back.
97
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,653
Kramer doesn't know
anything.
98
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,321
He's just my
next door neighbor.
99
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,532
Uh, nothing much.
100
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:02,117
Tuesday?
101
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:06,830
Um, Tuesday, no,
I'm meeting...somebody.
102
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,791
Uh, Wednesday?
103
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,668
Wednesday's okay.
104
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,587
All right, um...
105
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,590
I'm a little busy right now.
Can we talk Wednesday morning?
106
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,217
Okay. Yeah.
107
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:21,095
Right. Thanks. Bye.
108
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,222
Why did you put me on
the phone with him?
109
00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:25,557
I hate just being
handed a phone.
110
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,976
Well, it's your phone.
He wanted to talk to you.
111
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,187
Maybe I didn't want
to talk to him.
112
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,980
Well, why not?
He bothers me.
113
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,566
I don't even answer the phone
anymore because of him.
114
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:37,444
He's turned me into
a screener.
115
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,572
[REWINDS ANSWERING MACHINE]
Now I gotta see him Wednesday.
116
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,532
What, Wednesday?
I thought we had tickets
117
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,534
to the Knick game Wednesday.
We got seats behind the bench.
118
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:47,204
What happened?
We're not going?
We're going.
119
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,330
That's next Wednesday.
120
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,498
Oh.
121
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:52,417
Who is this guy?
122
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,002
His name's Joel Horneck.
123
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,713
He lived like three houses
down from me when I grew up.
124
00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,716
He had a ping-pong table.
We were friends.
125
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,426
Should I suffer
the rest of my life
126
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,220
because I like to play
ping-pong?
127
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,056
I was 10!
128
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,934
I would've been friends
with Stalin
129
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,602
if he had a ping-pong table.
130
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,857
He's so self-involved.
131
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,943
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
132
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,155
That's for me.
133
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:24,199
Kramerica Industries.
134
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,201
Oh, hi, Mark.
135
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,535
No, no, no.
136
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:29,663
Look, forget that.
I got a better idea--
137
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,999
A pizza place
where you make your own pie.
138
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,668
Can you conduct your business...
elsewhere?
139
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,796
No, no, no, I'm talking about
a whole chain of them.
140
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,006
Yeah.
141
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,427
I don't know why you bother
with this ping-pong guy.
142
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,513
I tell you that.
I don't bother with him.
143
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,182
He's been calling
for seven years.
144
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,683
I never called him
once.
145
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,560
He's got the attention span
of a 5-year-old.
146
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,729
Sometimes I sit there,
and I make up things,
147
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,564
just to see
if he's paying attention.
148
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:59,693
Well, I don't understand why
you spend time with this guy.
149
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,070
What can I do,
break up with him?
150
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:05,364
Tell him, "I don't think
we're right for each other."
151
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,159
It's a guy.
152
00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:09,286
At least with a woman,
there's a precedent.
153
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,830
You know, the relationship
goes sour, you end it.
154
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,498
No, no, no, no.
155
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,335
You have to approach this
as if he was a woman.
156
00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:18,837
Just break up with him?
Absolutely.
157
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:20,714
You just tell him
the truth.
158
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,174
The truth?
159
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,095
Now, as a guy,
160
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,514
I don't know how can I break up
with another guy.
161
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,558
You know what I mean?
I don't know how to say, "Bill,
162
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,434
I feel I need to see
other men."
163
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,145
[CROWD LAUGHS]
164
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,064
You know what I mean?
There is nothing I can do.
165
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,025
I have to wait
for someone to die.
166
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,777
I think that's the only way
out of this relationship.
167
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:45,155
It could be a long time.
168
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,698
See, the great thing about guys
169
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:50,827
is that we can become friends
based on almost nothing.
170
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,996
Just two guys
will just become friends
171
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:55,332
just 'cause they're two guys.
172
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,210
That's almost all we need
to have in common.
173
00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,627
'Cause sports--
174
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,796
Sports and women
is really all we talk about.
175
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,590
If there was no sports
and no women,
176
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,424
the only think
guys would ever say is:
177
00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:07,261
"So, what's
in the refrigerator?"
178
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:13,600
So my shrink wants me
to bring my mother in
179
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,809
for a session.
180
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,686
I mean, this guy
is a brilliant man.
181
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,521
Lenny Bruce
used to go to him,
182
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,648
and, I think,
uh, Geraldo.
183
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,694
I read
the Lenny Bruce biography.
184
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,571
I thought it was real--
Hey, hey, hey.
185
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,240
We're starving here!
Interesting how--
186
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,950
We've been waiting here
for 10 minutes already.
187
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,868
--he would...
188
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,248
So I'm thinking about going
to Iran this summer.
189
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,458
You know, I have to eat.
190
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,048
I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.
191
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:49,386
Anyway, the Hezbollah
has invited me to perform.
192
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,435
You know, it's their annual
terrorist luncheon.
193
00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,978
Yeah.
194
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,063
I'm gonna do it
in Farsi.
195
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,566
Hey, do you think
I need a haircut?
196
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,692
Are you ready?
197
00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,194
Yeah, I'll have
the egg salad
198
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,528
on whole wheat.
199
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:09,114
Yeah, let me
ask you a question.
200
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,241
This, uh, this
turkey sandwich, here,
201
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,368
is that real turkey
or is it a turkey roll?
202
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,329
I don't want
that processed turkey.
203
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,496
I hate it.
204
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,790
WAITRESS:
I think it's real turkey.
205
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,708
Uh-huh. Is there
a real bird in the back?
206
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:23,003
No, there's...
no bird, but--
207
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,254
How do you know
for sure?
208
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,922
Look, why don't you
do me a favor.
209
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,383
Why don't you go in the back
and find out, okay?
210
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,347
Unbelievable.
211
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,893
How can you talk
to someone like that?
212
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,561
Look, what are you saying?
213
00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:42,314
What, you like turkey roll?
214
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,858
Listen, Joel,
215
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,735
there's something
I have to tell you.
[LAUGHS]
216
00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:49,612
Wait.
217
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,239
You'll never guess
who I ran into.
218
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,658
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Howard Metro.
219
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:56,203
Ha, ha! Oh, yeah.
He asked me if I still saw you.
220
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,121
I said, "Sure, I see him
all the time.
221
00:08:58,121 --> 00:08:59,456
We're still great friends."
222
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,791
Anyway,
Howard says hello.
223
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,918
[LAUGHING]
224
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,505
Listen, Joel...
225
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:10,675
...I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
226
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,220
What?
227
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,847
This friendship,
it's not working.
228
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,058
Not working?
What are you talking about?
229
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,978
We're just not...
suited to be friends.
230
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,938
How can you say that?
231
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,399
Look, you're a nice guy.
232
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,817
It's just that we don't have
anything in common.
233
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,819
Wait, wait. What did I do?
234
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,654
Tell me.
I want to know what I did.
235
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,532
You didn't do anything.
236
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,116
It's not you, it's me.
237
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,953
It's...
This is very difficult.
238
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,955
Look, I know
I call you too much, right?
239
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,041
I mean, I-I know.
You're a very busy guy.
240
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,751
No, it's not that.
241
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:48,963
You're one of the f...
few people I can talk to.
242
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,508
Look, come on,
now that's not true.
[SNORTS]
243
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:54,635
[SOBBING]
I always tell everybody
about you. Tell everybody to:
244
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,804
[LOUDLY]
"Go see his show!"
245
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,059
I'm-- I'm your biggest fan.
246
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,394
I know. I know.
247
00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:05,188
I mean, you're my best friend.
Best friend?
248
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,814
I've never been
to your apartment.
249
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,983
I cannot believe
that this is happening!
250
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,445
I can't believe it!
Okay, okay, forget it.
251
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,071
It's okay. I didn't mean it.
252
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,781
[AT NORMAL VOLUME]
Didn't mean what?
253
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,950
What I said. I've been under
a lot of stress.
254
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,993
Oh, you've been under
a lot of stress.
255
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:21,955
Look, just...
256
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,915
Can we just forget
the whole thing happened?
257
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:26,460
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I took it out on you.
258
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,377
We're still friends.
259
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:28,587
We're still
friends.
260
00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:30,171
Still friends.
261
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,592
Okay, look.
I tell you what.
262
00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:35,885
I got Knick tickets
this Wednesday.
263
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,304
Great seats
behind the bench.
264
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,598
You wanna come with me?
Come on.
265
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:41,558
Tonight?
266
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,684
No, next Wednesday.
267
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:45,937
If it was tonight,
I would've said tonight.
268
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,732
You really want me to go?
269
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,194
Yes.
270
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,491
Okay.
271
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,576
Here, take these.
272
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,161
Okay, great.
273
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,703
That would be...
274
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:03,913
That'd be great.
275
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,333
So next Wednesday.
276
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,834
Next Wednesday.
277
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:11,796
Say, where is that waitress?
Hey!
278
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:19,137
[♪♪♪]
279
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,815
She calls me up
at the office.
Yeah.
280
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,484
She says,
"We have to talk."
281
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:36,029
Oh, the four worst words
in the English language.
282
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:40,074
That or,
"Whose bra is this?"
283
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,494
Hmm, that is worse.
284
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:44,829
So, we order lunch,
and we're talking.
285
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,998
Finally, she blurts out
how it's not working.
286
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:50,084
Really.
So I'm thinking--
As she's saying this,
287
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,504
I'm thinking, "Great.
The relationship's over
288
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,339
but the egg salad's
on the way."
289
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,799
So I have a decision,
do I walk or do I eat?
290
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,843
Hmm... You ate.
291
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,889
Sat there for 20 minutes,
chewing.
292
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,850
Staring at each other
in a defunct relationship.
293
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:08,895
Someone says
"Get out of my life,"
294
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,481
and that doesn't
affect your appetite?
295
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,441
Have you ever had
their egg salad?
296
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,694
It is unbelievable. Yeah.
It's unbelievable.
297
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:17,654
I'll tell you what else
is unbelievable.
298
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,490
I picked up the check.
She didn't even offer.
299
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,367
She ended it.
The least she could do
300
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,369
was sent me off
with a sandwich.
301
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,540
How much could you
possibly have in there?
302
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,333
Look, it's my money.
303
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,002
What should I do,
throw it out the window?
304
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:35,505
I knew a guy who took
his vacation on his change.
305
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,298
Yeah? Where'd he go,
to an arcade?
306
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,968
That's funny.
You're a funny guy.
307
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,221
Come on, move up.
308
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,639
Great.
Ewing's hurt.
309
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,807
Ewing's hurt? How long
is he gonna be out?
310
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,602
Well, a couple days
at the most, but--
311
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,937
Oh, sheesh.
Oh, God...
312
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,480
I got scared there
for a second.
313
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,733
The Knicks without Ewing.
Listen, uh, George,
314
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,651
there's a little problem
with the game.
315
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:58,903
What about it?
Uh, the thing is, yesterday,
316
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,821
I kind of, uh...
317
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,324
What?
318
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:06,453
I...gave your ticket
to Horneck.
319
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:13,792
You what?
320
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:15,336
Yeah, I'm sorry.
321
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,171
I had to give it
to Horneck.
322
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:20,091
Nah.
323
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,554
My ticket?
324
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,640
You gave my ticket
to Horneck?
325
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:27,974
Come on.
Go ahead. Move up.
326
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,768
What did you give him
my ticket for?
327
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,770
You didn't see him.
It was horrible.
328
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,230
Oh, come on, Jerry!
I can't believe this!
329
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,565
I had to do it.
330
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,610
Oh, please. Can you
change this into bills?
331
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,779
I'm sorry, sir,
we can't do that.
332
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,573
You wanna go with him?
You go. I don't mind.
333
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:46,367
I'm not going with him!
I don't even know the guy!
334
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,495
Look, they did this
for me before!
335
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:49,828
Look, I can
give you these,
336
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,706
and you can
roll them yourself.
337
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,375
You want me to roll
6000 of these?
338
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,294
What, should I
quit my job?
339
00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,297
No, I do not like the bank.
340
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,548
I've heard the expression
341
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,882
"laughing all the way
to the bank."
342
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,802
I've never seen anyone
actually do it.
343
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,844
[LAUGHING]
344
00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:07,221
And those bank lines...
345
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,183
I hate it when there's nobody
on line at all.
346
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,644
You know that part?
You go to the bank, it's empty,
347
00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:16,189
and you still have to
go through the little maze.
348
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,566
Could you get a little
piece of cheese for me?
349
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,818
I'm almost at the front.
350
00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:22,153
I'd like the reward
for this, please.
351
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:24,113
Thirty-two, 33...
352
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:28,201
George...
Not now. Thirty-three...
353
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,453
Thirty--
Could you stop
the counting?
354
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,372
[WHINES]
355
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,207
[COINS CLATTER ON TABLE]
356
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,166
What?
357
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:36,751
Can I make it up
to you?
358
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,712
I'll give you 50 bucks
for the jug.
359
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,672
Oh, yeah, sure.
Keep your money.
360
00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:43,299
Well, then I'm not gonna go
to the game either, okay?
361
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,844
I'll give him both tickets.
Aw, gee...
362
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,554
Go. Go!
363
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:55,186
No. I don't wanna go.
364
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,937
He was really crying?
365
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,523
I had to give him a tissue.
366
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,274
In fact,
let me call his machine now,
367
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,984
and I'll just make up
some excuse
368
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,986
why I can't
go to the game either.
369
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,446
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
370
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,574
As long as you're gonna
lie to the guy,
371
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,076
why don't you tell him
that you lost both tickets.
372
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,703
Then we can go.
373
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,205
George, the man wept.
374
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,124
Oh, hey, guys.
375
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,501
Man,
I'm telling you,
376
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,087
this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.
377
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,965
This is the thing
where you go,
378
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:26,760
and you have to make
your own pizza?
379
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,219
Yeah, we give you the dough.
380
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,096
You smash it, you pound it,
381
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,765
you fling it
up in the air.
382
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,474
and then you get
to put your sauce,
383
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:35,226
and you get to
sprinkle your cheese,
384
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,854
and then, you slide it
into the oven.
385
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:42,734
You know, you have to know
how to do that.
386
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:44,819
You can't have people
shoving their arms
387
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:46,153
into a 600-degree oven!
388
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,739
It's all supervised!
389
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:51,075
Oh. well...
All of it!
390
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,368
You want to invest?
391
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,370
My money's tied up
in change right now.
392
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,163
You know, look,
I'm telling you.
393
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:59,208
You know, people, they really
wanna make their own pizza pie!
394
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,501
I-I have
to say something.
395
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,295
With all due respect.
What?
396
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,548
I just never--
I can't imagine anyone,
397
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:08,468
in any walk of life,
under any circumstance,
398
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,345
wanting to make
their own pizza pie,
399
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,514
but that's me, okay?
400
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,849
That's you.
I'm just saying.
401
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,225
Okay. Okay.
All right?
402
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,644
I just wanted
to check with you guys.
403
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,646
You know, this business
is gonna be big.
404
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,148
I just wanted to--
Okay. Uh-huh.
405
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,821
One day, you'll beg me
to make your own pie.
406
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,204
Hi, Joel. This is Jerry.
I hope you get this before you--
407
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,666
Oh, hi, Joel.
Oh, you just came in.
408
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,501
Listen, uh...
[MOUTHING WORDS]
409
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,503
...I can't make it
to the game tonight.
410
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:47,006
I, uh, have
to tutor my nephew.
411
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,801
Yeah, he's got
an exam tomorrow.
412
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:51,385
Geometry.
413
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,639
You know, trapezoid, rhombus.
414
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,933
Anyway, listen,
you take the tickets.
415
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,559
They're at the will-call window,
416
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,020
and I'm really sorry.
Have a good time.
417
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,939
We'll talk next week. Okay?
418
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,859
Yeah. Yeah-- I don't-- Fine.
419
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,151
Fine. Bye.
420
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,323
Trapezoids?
I know.
421
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,784
I'm really running out
of excuses with this guy.
422
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:17,286
I need some kind
of excuse rolodex.
423
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,206
[♪♪♪]
424
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,336
Come on,
let's go do something.
425
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:26,713
I don't wanna just
sit around here.
426
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,673
Okay.
Wanna go get
something to eat?
427
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,757
Where do you wanna go?
428
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:31,467
I don't care.
I'm not hungry.
429
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,221
We could go to one of those
cappuccino places.
430
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,806
They let you just sit there.
431
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,683
What are we gonna do there,
talk?
432
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,352
We can talk.
433
00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:44,271
I'll go
if I don't have to talk.
434
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,942
Then we'll just
sit there.
435
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,820
Okay, I'm gonna check
my machine first.
436
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:58,285
"Picking someone up
at airport, jury duty,
437
00:17:58,285 --> 00:17:59,704
waiting for cable company--"
438
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:01,414
Okay, just hand that
over, please.
439
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,541
Oh-ho! What is this?
440
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:05,209
It's a list of excuses.
441
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,586
It's for
that guy Horneck
442
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,047
who's at the game tonight
with my tickets.
443
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,631
I have that list now,
444
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,009
so in case he calls,
I just consult it,
445
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,635
and I don't
have to see him.
446
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:17,013
[LAUGHS]
447
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,098
I need it.
448
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:22,476
What are you doing?
449
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:23,477
I got some for you.
450
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,021
Oh, I don't need
any more.
451
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:27,815
No, no, no, no! These
are good. Listen. Listen.
452
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,944
You ran out of underwear,
you can't leave the house.
453
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,112
Very funny.
454
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,781
[LAUGHS]
455
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:38,117
How about you've been diagnosed
as a multiple personality?
456
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,953
You're not even you.
457
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,370
You're Dan.
458
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,750
I'm Dan. Can I have
my list back, please?
459
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:48,461
Here, here.
460
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,212
God, Jerry Seinfeld,
461
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,298
I cannot believe
you're doing this.
462
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,133
This is absolutely infantile.
463
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:56,928
[SCOFFS]
464
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:58,137
What can I do?
465
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,473
Deal with it. Be a man.
466
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,891
Oh, no.
467
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,478
No, that's impossible.
468
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,688
I'd rather lie to him
the rest of my life
469
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,065
than go through that again.
470
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:11,150
He was crying.
471
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,403
Tears, accompanied
by mucus.
472
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,991
You made a man cry?
473
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,200
I never made a man cry.
474
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,286
I even kicked a guy
in the groin once,
475
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,413
and he didn't cry.
476
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,999
I got the cab.
477
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,920
A couple
of tough monkeys.
Heh.
478
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,632
Oh, hi, Elaine. Hey.
479
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,801
Hey, you missed
a great game tonight, buddy.
480
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,344
Game?
Knick game.
481
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,679
Horneck took me.
482
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,722
We were sitting two rows
behind the bench.
483
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,975
We were getting hit
by sweat.
484
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,394
Wait.
How does Horneck know you?
485
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:48,688
Oh, last week
486
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,606
when I, you know,
gave you the phone.
487
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,441
He's really into
my pizza place idea.
488
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,526
This is too much.
489
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,986
Wait, what
pizza place idea?
490
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:56,612
Oh, no.
491
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,698
You get to make
your own pie.
492
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,909
Oh...
that sounds like a great idea.
493
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,202
It would be fun.
Yeah--
494
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,038
HORNECK: Kramer!
Yeah!
495
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,622
Perfect.
496
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,041
Hey!
497
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,210
Okay, uh, who
wants meat loaf?
498
00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:13,462
No.
No, thanks. No.
499
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:16,382
No? It's gonna be
hot in a minute.
500
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,925
So I, uh...
501
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,886
thought you were
tutoring your nephew.
502
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,095
Oh, we finished early.
503
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,847
Mm. I'll bet.
504
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,807
So are you
going to, uh,
505
00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:26,517
introduce me
to your nephew?
506
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:28,644
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, Elaine Benes,
507
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:30,229
this is
Joel Horneck.
508
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:33,024
Hi.
Whoa, nelson.
509
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:34,441
This is Elaine?
510
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:36,819
I thought you guys
split up.
511
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,112
We're
still friends.
512
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,739
Heh.
Hmm.
513
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,950
So... Thanks again for
those tickets,
514
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,952
but next week,
I'm gonna take you.
515
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:46,370
How about
next Tuesday night,
516
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,914
and why don't you
come along?
517
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,875
Oh, no, no, Tuesday's no...good
518
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,211
because we've got, uh,
choir practice.
519
00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:55,254
Right.
520
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,423
I forgot about choir.
ELAINE: Yeah.
521
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,800
We're-- We're doing
that, uh, evening
522
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,844
of Eastern European
national anthems.
523
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,345
Right.
524
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:06,224
You know, the wall being
down and everything.
Oh.
525
00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:08,851
Well, what about
Thursday night?
526
00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:10,644
I mean, they're playing
the Sonics.
527
00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:11,812
Huh...
528
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,148
Thursday is not good
529
00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:16,901
because we've gotta
get to the hospital
530
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,486
to see if we qualify
as those organ donors.
531
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:22,240
You know, I should really
try something like that.
532
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,617
You really should.
533
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,579
Well, let's just
take a look here.
534
00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:30,414
Forty-one home games.
535
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,792
Let's see, Saturday night,
we got the Mavericks.
536
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,419
If you don't like the Mavericks,
next Tuesday, Lakers.
537
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,171
I mean, you gotta like
Magic, right?
538
00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,422
Let's see.
On the road,
539
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:40,174
on the road, on the road.
540
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:41,341
Back, back.
541
00:21:41,341 --> 00:21:43,677
On the 14th,
they play the Bulls.
542
00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:45,596
You can't miss Air Jordan.
Let's see...
543
00:21:45,596 --> 00:21:47,974
You know, I really--
I've come to the conclusion
544
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,892
that there are
certain friends in your life,
545
00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:51,351
that they're just
always your friends,
546
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:52,770
and you have to accept it.
547
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:55,022
You see them, you don't
really wanna see them.
548
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:57,524
You don't call them,
they call you.
549
00:21:57,524 --> 00:22:00,903
You don't call back,
they call again.
550
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,281
The only way to get through
talking with people
551
00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:05,074
that you don't have
anything in common with
552
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,742
is to pretend
that you're hosting
553
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,035
your own little
talk show.
554
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:09,328
This is what I do.
555
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:10,955
Pretend
there's a desk around you.
556
00:22:10,955 --> 00:22:12,915
There's a little chair
over there,
557
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,458
and you interview them.
558
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:17,086
The only problem with this
is there's no way to say:
559
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,755
"Hey, it's been great
having you on the show.
560
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:20,923
We're out of time."
561
00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:23,134
[♪♪♪]
562
00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:32,018
[♪♪♪]
37345
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