All language subtitles for Not.Dead.Yet.S02E09.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

Come on in, roomie.

You're in a good mood.
Mm-hmm.

Are you doing
one of your drugs

and finger painting
Groupons again?

It was Wine and Watercolors.
And no.

I'm making my first
life pie chart,

found in an old
Oprah Magazine.

Every slice represents
a different aspect of your life.

I've wanted to make one
every year on my birthday,

except this year
is the first time

I actually have
every slice,

so it's not a depressing
empty circle.

It's your birthday?

Yes. Thank you
for remembering.

So before you ask--
I wasn't going to.

First up,
the friendship slice.

Congratulations.
You're a part of that one.

It's an honor to be part
of your weird pie.

Then the romance slice, which
didn't totally work out with TJ,

but that's because
of the family slice,

which I'm supes
excited about,

because I will be
freezing my eggs.

It won't be cheap, but I will
narrowly be able to afford it

due to the tiny
but mighty work--

Are you still listening?
I haven't started.

Nell, I need to talk to you
about something

in the living room.

Oh! Surprise
birthday gift.

Come on, Edward,
just get on with it.

I'd rather not sit here
doing chitchat

when we could be doing
what-what.

There's something
I need to tell both of you.
Mm-hmm.

Would you?
Oh.

So I've been going back
and forth for a couple of days

on who to tell first.

Nell, even though you have
about as much restraint

around my snacks
as a howler monkey...

Thank you.
...we have become
very close friends.

And, Lexi, my lover,
my muse,

you've awakened parts
of my body I haven't even--

Not on my birthday.
Yeah? Thank you.

For those
aforementioned reasons,

I thought I could just tell
you both at the same time.

Duncan is selling
the newspaper.

Captions by VITAC--

Are you done screaming?

Wait, that was me?
Mm-hmm.

I thought it was you.

Is she done yelling?
Yeah.

So wait,
what does this mean?

I mean, who is he
gonna sell it to?

Another owner
or a syndicate?

I don't know.
There was just a bunch of people

and they were wearing suits,
and there was paperwork,

and there was hand shaking,

and there was grumblings
about newspaper sales.

Lexi, y-you have to
talk to your dad.

You got to get him
to stop this.

Of course. I'll have my lawyer
contact Father's lawyer.

That's how
we plan Christmas.

No, you have to
talk to him yourself.

You're--
He's your dad.

You got to just tell him, "Hey,
I don't want you to do this.

I don't want you
to sell it."

You know, this is important.
My pie is on the line.

Are you never not hungry?
Doesn't matter.

Just put on your most powerful
power suit, the pin-striped one,

the one with the--
the shoulders

that makes you look
like Lady Capone.

Oh, I usually save
that one for depositions

or the funerals of my enemies,
but I'm on it.

Alright.
This is gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna
work out great.

We all just need
to remain calm.

How are we supposed
to remain calm?

We're all gonna
lose our jobs.

Okay, not necessarily.
That's true.

A friend of mine
in San Francisco

whose paper
was bought out,

it actually made more money,
created more jobs,

and everybody
was way happier.

See?
Yeah.

Okay. No! No!
I have kids.

Look, it hasn't happened yet,
and it might not.

Okay, Lexi's gonna
talk to Duncan

and get him
to stop the sale.

Lexi should be back
any time now.

Well, see, that's great,

because Lexi,
she gets what she wants.

She got the pope
to attend her wedding.

He got her a toaster.
That's cheap.

Mm.
Yeah.

Oh, and I'm sorry about
dry-heaving into your...

♪ Birthday present ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

We really bad at harmonizing.
Yes, we are.

Yeah. We were supposed
to do rehearsals.
It's alright.

Mm, the traditional
scratchers and condoms.

Yes! And then we're gonna go to
Cricket's and we're gonna party,

except for you
'cause you can't drink.

Sober on my birthday.

I just don't like
the sound of it.

And actually, ladies,
before the festivities,

we have a paper
to put out.

So, Nell, I have your
next obituary assignment.

Donna Hill.

Looks like she was an editor
at this very newspaper.

Ooh.
My girl was feisty.

Can we just, like,
wait a day on Donna?

You know,
there's so much going on,

and it's my birthday.
And sent.

My birthday was on the day
the Berlin Wall fell.

I downed a Hefeweizen
and kept on writing.

Ah. Wunderbar.

What?

Hello, Father.

Oh, look at you
in your little cute power suit,

like you're Diane Sawyer.

Hey, Olaf, how would I look
with Sawyer shoulders?

Uh, it's come to my attention
that you're selling the paper.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

I was so worried we'd have to
go down with this sinking ship.

But I was able to knock off
a couple women and children

out of the last lifeboat
out of here.

Hey, Olaf, a little looser
here, huh?

Let-- Let the stooges
breathe.

It's just all
happening so fast.

Well, you know, you got to
strike while the iron is hot.

I'm just not sure--
Look, I don't want you
to worry, okay?

I got you the paper just
so you'd have something to do,

but I'll make sure
you're taken care of.

You'll be fine.
And you're welcome.

Thank you.

Ow. Okay.

Olaf, I'm here for tailoring,
not a vasectomy.

I started
as a paper boy.

Yeah, that's right.
I said paper boy.

They didn't have
paper girls.

Put my hair under a cap
and a rolled-up sock in my pants

and I called myself Donny.

Are you taking notes?

I'm sorry, Donna.
It's just a weird day.

I found out that they're
going to sell the paper.

What?

Oh, come on.

This place
is an institution.

I worked here for decades,
from Carter to Obama,

from IBM Selectrics
to Internet porn.

Do you have any idea

how many pairs of nylons
I went through here?

Lots? But don't get them
in a bunch, okay?

It might not
even happen.

It will if those corporate
buzzards have any say,

They want to take over
print journalism

so they can line
their pockets

and pick at the carcass
of democracy.

You can't let this happen.

Duncan:
Okay, my bullpen dwellers,

everybody
gather around, huh?

I just want to address
some of the scuttlebutt

that's been kind of swirling
around the office here.

What's happening?
Where's Lexi?

It is true.

We are selling the paper,

but please rest assured
that your jobs will be safe.

Ohh.

Or they won't be, right?

You know, don't have
a crystal ball, right?

But this gentleman right here,
he would know.

His name
is Quentin Nelson,

and he is the corporate
efficiency specialist

who will be representing
the company

who is buying,
well, all of you.

So, uh, have fun, huh?

Lexi was supposed
to stop this.

Okay, let's not panic yet.
Okay, maybe she's got a plan.

Well, I'm gonna find her.

Okay, we're not gonna
just sit here

while some
corporate buzzard

picks at the carcass
of democracy.

Aah.

Buzzards are actually
quite essential to the ecosystem

and have excellent hearing.

Yeah.
Just like me.

Ooh, never tell the buzzards
they're buzzards.

Buzzards hate that.
Mm-hmm.

Um, hello.
What are you doing here?

There's some corporate grim
reaper at the paper right now

who's looking
to cut jobs.

Yes. I've heard.

That's why I've been
working on something.

Oh, okay,
that's great.

Ooh, man, you had me
worried there for a second.

I should have known
that you had a plan to save us.

Let's just say all
the pieces are coming together.

Hot damn.
This is what you need.

Get a bunch of women in a room
and watch things change.

It's called
Woofs and Catters.

It's a board game
you play with your pets.

Your dogs and cats,
never birds.

Maybe we are gonna need men.
Just kidding.

But this lady's a goner.

Is this what you've been up to
all morning?

Yep.
Yes, and so creative.

It's really impressive
artwork, babe.

Thank you.

Okay,
she's up.

Dennis.
Dennis.

So, I ran into that Quentin guy
in the break room.

And I told him about
how great you are at your job.

He is tough, but I think I made
a really good case for you.

Sammy, that is so sweet.

It's not about sweetness,
Dennis.

Oh.
It's about saving your ass.

And you're about to go in there
and do the same for me, okay?

So get in there and tell him how
amazing I am, you little bitch.

Oh.
Let's go. We're moving.

Hi. Uh, yes,
I don't think we've met.

Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.
I'm the-- the Metro editor.

Yes. Mr. Simbeaux-Jones.
Yeah.

I was just adding Ms. Holkar's
comments to your file.

Oh.
And that is wonderful.

Sam is an incredible editor.

I mean, if anyone has her finger
on the pulse of fashion,

it's my girl.
Hm.

Okay.

Um, also, she manages
to keep her work under wraps

despite being a newly divorced
mother of two.

That sounds difficult.

I mean,
when life kicks her down,

she just kicks right on back,
like Popeye.

Except she doesn't
eat spinach.

Actually, I don't think
I've ever seen her eat spinach,

but I know
that she drinks wine.

Are you insinuating
she has a drinking problem?

I mean, sure, does she need to
take the edge off sometimes?

Yes. But, I mean,
who doesn't?

I don't.
Me neither.

And I-I don't ever drink,
which is why I sleep so well,

but not Sam, because
I think she's an insomniac.

And honestly, I'm just gonna--

Oh, my God, Dennis.

I'll just grab this
on the way out.

Nell, do you think
a precisely aimed laser pointer

could convince a cat
to pick up a playing card?

Yeah, yeah, it gets the cat
to the card, but then what?

Also,
this is ludicrous.

Lexi, what happened
with your dad?

Did you get to talk to him?

You know,
when I was 8 years old,

I desperately wanted a dog.

But of course
Father informed me

that canines aren't
indoor creatures.

They're just
for duck hunting

and delivering brandy
to avalanche survivors.

So instead,
he bought me a horse

because at least that
could take me to the Olympics.

You see, my father has this way
of taking away my dreams

but then replacing them
with something else

I apparently want
just as much.

So you didn't
talk to him?

Nell, it's okay.
I'm going to be fine.

I have a very large savings

and a very rational prototype
for Woofs and Catters.

Oh, I see.
So the important thing

is that you're going to land
on your feet.

Exactly.
Much like cats,

who, again, are the target
audience for Woofs and Catters.

Well, she's not gonna help
keep the buzzards at bay.

It's time for you
to put on your big-girl nylons

and go save your job.

Can you spare
some milk, Nell?

How adorable.

Quentin: When you first
asked me to speak

to your niece's business class,
I was flattered,

but then I got suspicious once
my GPS led me to a wine bar.

I--

Should have trusted
my gut.

Well, I was just worried
that if I told you

it was my birthday,
you wouldn't come

and we'd miss out on Quentin,
life of the party.

Only if it's
an analytics party.

By the way, ain't no party
like an analytics party.

I'll take your word for it.
But I know what you're doing.

You're trying
to butter me up.

Butter? What?
No.

What is-- Let's get you
a drink, Q-dawg.

Cricket!

Nicknames create
an informal atmosphere

that I find inappropriate.

Q-dawg?

Q-dawg.

Hello, birthday girl.

Now, listen, I want you
to forget all about

that dumb work nonsense
and that corporate suit

that's got the stick up--
Crick-- Cricket.

Cricket, uh,
this is Quentin.

Oh, hi.
He is the guy who decides

who gets to keep their job
at the paper.

Isn't that impressive?
Yes.

Actually, my title is
corporate efficiency specialist,

but I don't like to brag.

Oh, well, you didn't.

But you know
what I'm hearing?

This is for you.

Really shouldn't drink
at a work function.

Oh, well, lucky for you
it's my birthday.

Yay!
Get it, Q-dawg.

Q-dawg.

Let me go get you
some more wine.

Don't worry. I will talk
to Quentin and fix this.

You better, okay?
I need a drink.

Oh, uh, maybe don't
get a drink yet.

He kind of thinks
you're an alcoholic.

You spoke to him
for 30 seconds.

I know.

Sam: Oh, no.
Oh, look, what is he doing?

He is rubbing his hair
and sniffing his hands.

What does that
even mean?

I don't know. Maybe he's
talking about your hair

and that it smells
like coconuts.

Am I a calculator?

Because all your problems
are solved.

Really?
Yes.

There's just a couple
little teeny-weeny

insignificant details
you want to know about yourself.

Great.
You once donated a kidney.

You saved Dolly Parton from
a fire, and you won "Survivor."

Which season?
16.

I hate 16!

Alright.

For my new friend
and broseph in business.

Is this a bribe?
No.

It is simply just the
most expensive flight of wine.

And there's more
where that came from,

'cause I stole
my daddy's AmEx.

Ah, you made it.
I did.

Happy birthday.
Thank you.

I bet this wasn't
the party you intended.

I didn't think
that my guest of honor

would be the man
who might take our jobs,

but all good, you know?

I'm gonna take this hefty glass
of Cabernet over there,

and I'm gonna talk myself
up to Quentin.

And once I've locked myself in,
I'll wave you over,

and you can
take a crack at him.
Okay.

But I'm telling him
it's my birthday, too.

Tricky.

And they said
that I'm only legally allowed

to have three cats and--

Mason, your father's here,
and he looks pissed.

Oh, damn it.
I'm so grounded.

Hey.
Hi.

That adorable man baby
was so nice to me.

He gave me four glasses of wine,
and I drank them quick.

Okay, Raggedy Anne
loosen the screw for you.

But this guy is wound up
so tight,

you're gonna have to be strong
and really sell yourself.

Look, uh, I'm just gonna
level with you, my guy.

You're here
to evaluate our job,

and I'm here to tell you
why the paper needs me.

Yes, preach.

I am a strong
female journalist

who brings important stories
to my readers.

Uh-huh. Sing it.

Stories of famous people,
common people.

Okay, we're losing him.
You better pivot.

Pivot!

I started off
as a paper boy.

That's right.
You heard me. Paper boy.

I had a sock in my pants
and some pants in my shoes,

and I called myself Bonnie.

Okay,
you really butchered that.

I really hear you,
my guy.

But after today's assessment
and based on the numbers,

Q-dawg was forced to recommend

that they nuke
and pave the place.

Nuke and pave?
No, no, no, no, no.

That's where they sell
the paper for parts.

Nuke.
And pave.

Was that really insensitive
or just really good noises?

I don't drink a lot.
Oops. Oh, pee's in the pipeline.

Got to go.
Got to back this thing up.

Beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep!

Go after him.
Follow him to the bathroom.

I'm not going to
watch a man pee.

You cannot
let this go on.

The world
needs reporters.

We are the truth, and we shine
a light in the darkness.

Look, I tried.
We are the keepers
of a free society.

I tried my best, but--

Okay, you might want to put on
some earphones,

because you look crazy.

I always look crazy, don't I?
I just--

Can't find your earphones?

No, I didn't know
you were coming tonight.

Party!

If reporters tell the truth,
here's mine.

My job is gone.

I broke up with that
perfectly nice guy over there

because I was gonna
freeze my eggs,

and now I can't
even afford it.

So you want to know what?

I don't want to talk
to you anymore,

because I'm turning 39 years
old, and in my free society,

I get to get hammered
on my birthday.

Mm.

Thank you.

Hey, there, buddy.

I thought you were
off the sauce.

Everything okay?
You know what?

I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to hear about it.

I like your attitude.
I like your attitude.

Do you want to do some shots?
It is my birthday.

Two shots!
Two shots!

Jinx!

Aah!

♪ Hey, oh, let's go ♪

♪ They're formin'
in a straight line ♪

Both: Oh!
♪ They're goin' through
a tight one ♪

Let's go!

♪ The kids are losin'
their minds ♪

Oh!
Aaah!

No!

No.

Oh, no!

♪ Let's go ♪

Oh, no.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Good morning.
Hello.

So sorry to ask this,

but while I muster up the
energy to move any of my limbs,

what exactly happened
last night?

♪ There's a stranger in my bed ♪

♪ There's a pounding
in my head ♪

♪ Glitter all over the room ♪

♪ Pink flamingos in the pool ♪

♪ It's a blacked-out blur ♪

♪ But I'm pretty sure it ruled ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops ♪

♪ And we took too many shots ♪

♪ Think we kissed,
but I forgot ♪

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we maxed
our credit cards and we-- ♪

Is that Adele?

♪ Last Friday night ♪

♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops ♪

It's my pie.
Pie.

Yes, Oprah came up with
this life-goal pie thing.

Sorry, that wasn't a question.
It was a statement.

Pie. We should get pie.

Yes.

Everyone always hates me
at my jobs.

Even you called me
a corporate buzzard.

Buzzards can be good.

They use the whole carcass,
you know.

This terrible job
has had me living out of hotels

for the last two years.

I didn't even remember

what a full-sized shampoo
bottle looks like.

Do you even
need shampoo?

Could I stay the night here
with you completely clothed

while you hold me?
Uh...

I can't go back
to the DoubleTree

next to the freeway tonight.

♪ But this Friday night ♪

If nothing happened between us,
why do I feel so... dirty?

They're still pie
in my bed.

Ah.
Mm.

I should go.
Great idea.

Hm.
Yeah.

Donna:
I told you to go after him.

Didn't know you'd go
all the way after him.

I didn't sleep with him.

I slept next to
his weeping form.

You know, as an editor,

it's my job to push my writers
to do their best work.

But when a writer
is doubting their strength,

it's my job
to boost them up.

Yeah,
I'll take a boosting.

Now, when you get ready
to write an obituary,

do you look at the person's life
in little pieces,

or do you look at
the whole story?

The second one.
Exactly.

It's a journalist's job
to write the whole story.

Now, if I were going to
write your obituary,

I would say, "Yes,

life keeps kicking Nell Serrano
in the front dumper.

Her career is stalled.
Her love life sucks."

I don't like
your literary style.

"But she's strong.

She faces things head-on
and keeps moving."

Now, not everyone can say that
about themselves.

Hey, you. Still working
on Woofs and Catters?

I've hit a snag.

It turns out
dogs can't roll dice.

Can they paw
a spinner?

Well, where were you
six hours ago?

You don't want to know.

Hey, Lexi,
I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have pushed you
to confront your dad

before you were ready.

No, I'm the one
who should apologize.

I've let everyone down.

And it's a shame, because
I've-- I've grown to like

and actually care about everyone
at the paper.

Even Tina with her warm salads
and you with your poor posture.

Look, if you want to sit here
and work on Woofs and Catters

for the next month,
I'll sit with you.

But I-- I don't know.

I think that you have
some unresolved feelings.

And maybe you need to have
that chat with your dad.

We don't talk
about feelings, okay?

In our family, that's-- that's
just a sign of being weak.

You are the strongest person
I know.

Actually,
you're somewhat terrifying.

Oh, Nell, you're just
being nice because I'm sad.

No, you scare the crap
out of me.

Really?
Yeah.

And this is not about me
or the job,

but I think you have something
to say to your dad,

and you should say it.

And he should listen.

You deserve that.

Thank you, Nell.

Just one thing.

You're going to want to monitor
Arthur's bowel movements

quite carefully
over the next several days.

I fear he may have ingested
more than a few dice.

In fact,
I'm certain of it.

No.

Arthur?

Hmm.
Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Any good snacks
in there?

You know, like those little
cottage cheese cups

you could squeeze
your own fruit in.

Oh, I love those.

What are you doing
in the break room?

I don't know.

I just thought
I'd take one last look around.

Did Lexi talk to you?

No, I haven't seen her.

You know, Mr. Rhodes, I got--
I got to give it to you.

You sell the paper.

You put everybody's
job in jeopardy,

and you're not even
fazed by it.

To be honest, I--

I don't know
how you live with yourself.

You know, there's one thing
I learned in business, Nell,

and that's that, uh,
everything ends.

Huh.

Everything.

Nell, did you hear?

Mr. Rhodes collapsed.

He's being rushed
to the hospital.

Well, I guess
it's too late

for me to get one
of those cottage cheese cups.

Ohh.

I have my doubts
about this, too.

There's a lot of places
we'd rather be right now,

but Lexi asked us
to test this game out.

So let's keep going.

Alright, Kevin, you're up.

Bodhi, couldn't you have
done that before we got here?

Do you see me showering
in the middle of the game?

Kevin, it's your turn, bud.

I'll do it.

Ooh. Five spaces.

One woof, two woofs, three woof,
four woof, five woof.

Fire Hydrant Lane, which means
you draw a card.

Which I will do.

It says, "Who's a good boy?"

I presume that means you and to
give you five kibble snacks.

One, two, three, four, five.

Here you go, buddy.
Nope, that was for Kevin.

This is a barking nightmare.

Oh, come on, Bodhi.

Don't be like that.

Arthur, you were right
to sit this round out.