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1
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:03,571
[chuckling]
2
00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:06,574
[rock music]
3
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:13,547
♪ ♪
4
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,254
[chuckling]
5
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,690
Community service sucks.
6
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:26,294
Public urination is,
like, a dumb law.
7
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,795
Yeah, really.
8
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,364
Plus, we mostly just peed
on ourselves, you know?
9
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,801
So like--so like,
where's the crime, you know?
10
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:37,138
[laughter]
- Oh, no!
11
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,506
Did you hear?
12
00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,641
Diane is having another kid.
13
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:41,975
Can you imagine?
14
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,177
No, thank you.
15
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,478
The three I have are enough.
16
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,147
both: Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
17
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:49,517
Oh, I told Roger, if you ever
want to have sex with me again,
18
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,219
you better get a vasectomy.
19
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,321
[laughter]
20
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:54,788
Whoa, Beavis.
21
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,457
Did you hear that?
22
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,227
If we get vasectomies,
we can score with those chicks.
23
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,229
Whoa, that's cool.
24
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:04,632
But like, um,
what's a vasectomy?
25
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:07,368
It's an operation
on your nads, dumbass.
26
00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,103
Oh, OK. Yeah.
27
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,339
Yeah, that sounds
pretty good, yeah.
28
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,641
Maybe that's why
we never score.
29
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,110
What's in our nads
is too powerful.
30
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,811
It scares the chicks away.
31
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,313
Whoa!
32
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,482
You know, it's amazing
our nads are so powerful,
33
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,218
because we've been hit
in the nads so many times.
34
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:27,221
That only made them stronger, Beavis.
35
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,157
We trained them up.
36
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,392
We've got super--
[screams]
37
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:36,430
And now your sperms are
getting even stronger.
38
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,499
Yeah, I can feel it.
39
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,734
It hurts a lot, yeah.
40
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:41,602
[chuckles]
41
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:42,803
What's up, gentlemen?
42
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,172
So before we get started,
I would just like
43
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,274
to give you
an alpha M knuckle bump
44
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,442
for being so damn incredible.
45
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,411
No disputing the fact
that you're incredible
46
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,880
and can accomplish
great, amazing things.
47
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,948
But the only way you're
gonna be able to truly--
48
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,185
Uh...
[both chuckling]
49
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,852
Uh...
50
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,088
Commit yourself for the next
30 days to the alpha M--
51
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:04,192
You think this guy knows what
he's talking about, Butt-Head?
52
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,993
Uh, you can tell
he's an expert
53
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:09,029
'cause he, like,
talks into a camera,
54
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:13,033
and he's all loud,
and he makes lists.
55
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,502
Yeah, yeah.
56
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,770
Yeah, maybe he knows what
he's talking about, yeah.
57
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,339
Six things that you
need to pay attention--
58
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,874
Uh, I know six things
59
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:23,744
I'd like to pay attention to
right about now.
60
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,380
In my opinion,
to truly reach alpha status,
61
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,848
you need to be spiritual.
62
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,683
Now, whatever that means
to you, it means to you.
63
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,920
Whether or not you believe
in Jesus, Krishna, Buddha,
64
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,388
it doesn't matter to me.
65
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:36,857
Are those all the chicks
he's scored with?
66
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,459
Uh, yeah.
67
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,728
They all sound like strippers.
68
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,029
Yeah.
[chuckling]
69
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,498
I want to get a lap dance
from Krishna.
70
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,933
Ooh.
[chuckling]
71
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:48,302
30 days, I want you
to write down something
72
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,470
you are grateful for.
73
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:52,240
How many years is 30 days?
74
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,141
Uh, I don't know.
75
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:57,044
But the landlord said
to vacate in 30 days.
76
00:02:57,044 --> 00:03:02,082
And that was about two years
ago, and we're still here.
77
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:05,286
Yeah, 30 days is a long time.
[chuckling]
78
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,921
Now if you're somebody who's
already, like, exercising,
79
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,323
I'd like to give you
a knuckle bump.
80
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,525
Oh, yeah.
Gotta exercise.
81
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,994
Time for my 12-ounce curls.
82
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,863
[slurps]
83
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:19,166
[sighs]
Feel the burn.
84
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,734
Butt-Head, spot me.
85
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:23,437
[slurps]
Mmm, yeah.
86
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:26,640
Never skip arms day,
you know what I'm saying?
87
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,477
The sixth pillar
of the alpha 30-day plan--
88
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,944
What's alpha again?
89
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:34,147
Is it like, something with
the alphabet or something?
90
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,283
[chuckles]
91
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:36,884
Uh, no.
92
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,353
Alpha is like the gorilla
that gets to score
93
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:41,289
with all the other gorillas.
94
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,556
Whoa.
95
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,326
So he scores with
a lot of gorillas?
96
00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,695
Uh, I guess so.
97
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,331
He just like,
goes down to the zoo
98
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,066
and just like, does them all?
99
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,803
Uh, yeah.
100
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:59,106
He's an alpha.
[chuckles]
101
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,542
And then the other gorillas
try to stop him,
102
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,944
but he just beats them up.
103
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,346
Oh, yeah.
104
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,315
Yeah, he spanks
his monkey, see?
105
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:10,318
[both chuckling]
106
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,454
Gorillas aren't monkeys, Beavis.
107
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,889
They're apes.
108
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:18,091
So that joke doesn't work.
109
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,628
Try to be more careful
next time.
110
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,330
Oh, well.
111
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,764
If this means that you've got
to make up with some people,
112
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,466
or deal with some things
that you've been, like,
113
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,135
harboring and hanging on to,
gentlemen, it is worth it.
114
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,472
Uh, Beavis, there's something
I've been meaning
115
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,674
to get off my chest
for a long time.
116
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,344
And I just didn't have
the courage to say it,
117
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,911
but here goes.
118
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:41,214
Beavis, you're the biggest
dumbass in the world.
119
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,617
[chuckling]
120
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,819
Ah.
121
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,389
Felt good to get that out.
122
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,157
Yeah, OK.
123
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:53,026
Yeah, up yours.
[both chuckling]
124
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,628
Yeah, I'm glad we connected.
125
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,365
[slurps] Ah.
126
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,400
Me too.
127
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,801
Now let's have another beer
128
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,637
and watch this guy
bone a gorilla.
129
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,407
Say it, sister. Yeah!
[chuckling]
130
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,141
[slurping]
131
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,042
Amen.
132
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,944
Ever reach alpha status.
133
00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:14,648
So you're interested
in getting vasectomies?
134
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,517
Well, obviously.
[chuckling]
135
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,387
Yeah, I mean, you know,
we want to score, you know.
136
00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,490
Well, let me walk you
through the procedure.
137
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,091
Your body generates sperm--
138
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,394
[both chuckling]
139
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,061
Right here in the testicles--
140
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,398
[both chuckling]
141
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,800
Which are located
here in the scrotum.
142
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,202
Yeah.
[both chuckling]
143
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,871
It then travels through
the vas deferens--
144
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,475
- Uh...
- Huh?
145
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,776
On its way to the penis.
146
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,845
[both chuckling]
147
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,015
And then through the urethra.
148
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,517
- Uh...
- Huh?
149
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:52,185
That's in the course
of a normal ejaculation.
150
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,222
[chuckling]
151
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,224
Um...
152
00:05:57,224 --> 00:06:00,428
That's like...
[whispering]
153
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,595
Oh!
154
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:04,898
[both chuckling]
155
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,801
Ejaculation.
156
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:11,104
The procedure is simply to
cut and seal the vas deferens
157
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,106
right here,
and then you should be able
158
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,242
to return to your current level
of sexual activity.
159
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,577
Yeah.
160
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,746
Or more.
[chuckles]
161
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:19,980
If you'd like,
we can schedule
162
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,549
your procedures for Monday.
163
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:22,683
Any questions?
164
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,084
Yeah, yeah, um,
165
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,520
do you have one of those,
but it's like, a chick?
166
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,321
You know what I'm saying?
167
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,590
I do, actually.
168
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,858
Whoa!
169
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,494
Now this guy is cool.
[chuckles]
170
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,198
Uh, we're here
for our vasectomies.
171
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,767
Yeah,
our appointment was, like,
172
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,135
an hour ago or something.
173
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,571
OK.
174
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,873
So how long is this
gonna take?
175
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:49,109
I want to score this afternoon.
[chuckles]
176
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,581
These porno magazines suck.
177
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,850
They're just guys playing golf.
178
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,753
Gentlemen,
we're ready for you.
179
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,288
It's a quick procedure.
180
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,657
You'll be able to go right back
to your normal routine.
181
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,493
I just want to remind you
to wait a week
182
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,927
before you ejaculate.
183
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,361
No, that's fine. Yeah.
184
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,499
All we're gonna do this week
anyway is score.
185
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,833
All right.
186
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,302
Go ahead and lie down,
and in a few minutes,
187
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,706
you'll no longer have to worry
about fathering children.
188
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,273
[echoing]
Fathering children,
189
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,376
fathering children,
fathering children.
190
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,613
[dreamy music]
191
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,180
Father, Father.
192
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:31,118
Yes, Butt-Head Junior
and Butt-Head Threenior?
193
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,688
Uh, Father, tell us about
all the times you scored.
194
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,124
Of course, children.
195
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,526
[knocking]
196
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:41,662
But what's this?
[chuckles]
197
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,264
Mr. Head,
I'm here to hand-deliver
198
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,867
Butt-Head Fournior's
report card.
199
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:50,337
Mm.
- [chuckling]
200
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,541
Parenthood is cool.
201
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,843
♪ ♪
202
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:59,046
[chuckling]
203
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,954
[snickering]
You're cool, Dad.
204
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,622
Oh, yeah.
205
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,691
I guess I am.
[chuckling]
206
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,959
And you can play
with our LEGOs.
207
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,160
[snickering]
208
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,563
Whoa, cool!
Yeah, LEGOs.
209
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:16,830
[knocking]
210
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,232
But what's this?
[chuckles]
211
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,003
Hey, look, kids!
It's the Butt-Heads.
212
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,606
We're here to kick your ass.
213
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,140
Oh, cool.
[chuckles]
214
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,242
So glad we could get the
families together, you know?
215
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:32,312
Get him, son.
[all grunting]
216
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:35,015
Hey, can I get
anybody anything?
217
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,350
I've got some Dr. Peppers
in the fridge--ah!
218
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:42,656
♪ ♪
219
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,592
Um, you know, um,
220
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:47,260
being dads might actually
be pretty cool, Butt-Head.
221
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,329
[chuckles]
- Yeah.
222
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,900
My kids would kick ass.
[chuckling]
223
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,902
Are you ready?
224
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,237
- Uh...
- Um...
225
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,373
All righty, I've applied
226
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,775
the local anesthetic
to your scrotums.
227
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,177
The procedure will be over
before you know it.
228
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:07,915
So, um, kids are kind of
cool, aren't they, Butt-Head?
229
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,083
Uh, yeah.
230
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,419
If they're raised right,
like we were.
231
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,855
[chuckles]
232
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,790
[metallic zing]
233
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,225
- Hey, stop!
- Whoa!
234
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,760
Stay away from our super nads!
235
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,630
Yeah, the world needs more
Butt-Heads, or something.
236
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,865
[tools clattering]
237
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,067
[both grunting]
238
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,206
Yeah, I'm gonna have kids
someday, Butt-Head.
239
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,743
Even if I have to
never score to do it.
240
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:38,712
Uh...
241
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:41,214
my nads are numb.
242
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,651
Yeah, mine too. Ugh.
243
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,518
Uh...
244
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,188
[grunts]
245
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,858
Wait a minute, did you
just kick me in the nads?
246
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,225
Yeah.
[chuckles]
247
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,494
I didn't even feel anything.
248
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,663
[grunts]
249
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:59,566
Whoa, I didn't
feel anything either.
250
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,034
Do it again.
251
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,569
[grunts]
252
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,271
This is cool.
253
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,173
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing.
254
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,008
Kick me harder this time.
255
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,177
- [grunts]
- Whoa.
256
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,379
Now do me again, yeah.
As hard as you can, yeah.
257
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,347
- [grunts]
- Wow!
258
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,083
I could do this all day, yeah.
259
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,819
[grunts]
- It almost feels good.
260
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,120
[grunts]
- Ooh, yeah, yeah.
261
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,890
That was right
with the toe, yeah.
262
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:25,092
Feels kind of warm.
[grunts]
263
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,326
You know,
people say numb nuts
264
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,061
like it's a bad thing, but--
265
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:31,364
but this kicks ass.
266
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,334
Let's go find a baseball bat.
[chuckles]
267
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:38,638
[rock music]
268
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:45,645
♪ ♪
269
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,627
[chiming noises]
270
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:01,661
Chirp.
18427
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