All language subtitles for The Last Drive-in With Joe Bob Briggs S06E03 Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-monkee_track4_[eng]

Okay, it's Christmas
on "The Last Drive-In,"

and as you all know, or the ones
know who have watched

all the 347 Christmas shows
I've done,

we always get a little sappy
towards the end.

I mean, we do what we can.

We don't aspire
to the brilliance

of the CBS 1987
"Claymation Christmas" special

hosted by
the California Raisins.

Actually, I think the Raisins
were just backup singers.

The hosts of the show
were the claymation dinosaurs.

Right, Darcy?

-You're correct.
-All right.

And, of course,
there was the ice ballet

with the claymation walruses.

-Oh, my God. Of course.
-Yeah, walri.

Anyway,
I thought I would address

this year's Christmas message

to all the government employees

and legislators
and public officials

who have turned nasty
over the last few years

and keep telling us
that we're screwing up

and we need to be punished.

And since you probably don't
know what I'm talking about

when I say that,
let me put it this way.

You know that person
in every family,

you always end up
talking to them at Christmas,

that person
who just won't behave?

And it drives you crazy,
doesn't it?

"There goes Juanita,
having anotherbaby,

and she couldn't even afford
the first six."

"There goes Big Al,
getting drunk again.

You know, if he gets drunk
one more time

and puts Doris through
any more pain,

I'm never loaning him
another cent."

You know, "We told Stephanie to
stop going out with older guys.

She's only 17. She's dating guys
in their late 20s!

She promised
she wouldn't do it anymore,

and then what do we find out?

There she was last Saturday
night at 2:00 in the morning,

parked out behind the Wal-Mart
with Pig-Face Walls.

You know, everybody has
family members like this, right?

Everybody has friends
like this, right?

Another version of it is the
person who's always telling you

that this is the year
they're gonna fix their life.

"I really mean it this time.

I'm going back to school,"
"I'm starting a new business,"

"I'm not going back to Daryl,
no matter what he says."

And then they never do
diddly squat, right?

Just drives you crazy,
doesn't it?

Or how about your aunt
that sits around all the time,

saying, "Nothing ever
goes right for me.

Nothing exciting
ever happens to me.

Nothing ever happens to me,
period.

I'm so boring.
My life is so boring."

On and on and on, you know,

until you want to pick
the old bag up by the shoulders

and scream in her face,

"Get your butt
out on the street, lady!

Make something happen,
instead of sitting there

like an old piece of underwear

on the discount-pantyhose table
at Walgreens!"

Okay, so everybody knows
what I'm talking about, right?

It's the people in every family
who keep screwing up.

No matter what you do to them,
no matter what you say to them,

what they say to themselves,

what they decide to do
for themselves,

they just keep screwing up,
over and over and over again.

Well, the government now has
a plan for these people.

The government is fed up
with these people.

Like that personal
responsibility law

that Congress passed.

If you're a teenager

and you don't maintain
a "C" average in school,

some states want to revoke
your driver's license.

Then there's
all the Republican legislatures

that have even tougher laws
coming up.

If you're
an unwed teenage mother,

you can't get
any welfare benefits

unless you remain in school
and live with your parents.

If you're already on welfare
and you have another child,

your benefits might get cut.

If you miss a PTA meeting,

you might not get your check
next week.

If your kid is absent
from school without an excuse,

you can lose your welfare check.

And on and on and on like this.

Now, let's take a look
at this idea -- honestly.

Doesn't everybody remember a
time when Dad stood up and said,

"if you ever do that again,
even one more time,

I'm gonna cut off your allowance
forever."

And what happened?

You did it one more time.

Admit it. You did.

And he probably
cut off your allowance.

But he didn't cut off
your allowance forever.

Because he was Dad,
and he didn't really mean it.

But these people really mean it.

These people know so little
about human nature

that they don't realize
there are people

who try to change,
who want to change,

who are constantly being ordered
by their families to change,

but they just can't change.

So, what are you gonna do?

Cut off all their benefits,
make them even more suicidal?

Listen to me.
Some people can't hack it.

It's not their fault.

These are the people
we need to help.

If the person canhack it,
he doesn't need our help.

Is this so hard to understand?

"Yeah, Joe Bob,
I know what you mean.

I believe in giving people
a second chance.

But we're talking about people
who have gotten into a pattern

that goes on
for years and years.

They never change.

They just keep taking money
from the government,

they don't get a job,

they don't take good care
of their children,

they become substance
abusers" -- on and on and on.

What do we do about them?

What do we do about the ones

who have already been given
six chances?"

And here's the Joe Bob Christmas
answer to that --

we give them another chance.

If it's the 500th
dad-blamed time,

we give them another chance.

Nobody does that on purpose.

It infuriates me, too.
It frustrates me, too.

But nobody does it on purpose.

We give them another chance.

That is the American way.

That is the Christian way,
that is the Jewish way,

and that is the Islamic way.

It's called
having faith in people,

even when they disappoint you,
and it's what Dad does.

We need more dads

and fewer vengeance-seeking
spinster aunts --

if you know what I mean,
and I think you do.

Okay, now, one person we do not
want to give a second chance to

is Ricky Caldwell.

And actually,
I have to explain this.

The movie is
"Silent Night, Deadly Night"...

-Yaaaaaaaay!
-..."Part 2."

-Oh.
-[Laughs] Yeah, I know.

We lost the rights to Part 1 --
long story.

But, for people
who never saw Part 1,

don't worry, because
most of Part 1 is in Part 2.

People don't remember this
today,

but "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

was a major banned movie
in the '80s.

It was banned in Milwaukee,
New Jersey, Chicago, Peoria,

Fort Worth, just to name
a few of the places.

The original came out in 1984,
and it's the story

of little Billy dressing up
in a Santa Claus suit

and going over to the St. Mary's
Catholic Orphanage

to kill all the orphans
with a meat ax.

For some reason,
the PTA didn't like that.

So, "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

came out on the same day as
"A Nightmare on Elm Street" --

November 9, 1984.

It was outgrossing Wes Craven,

until everybody
got their panties in a bunch.

'Cause TriStar, the distributor,
ran the trailer as a TV ad,

and in one market,
it ran right before

"Little House on the Prairie,"

So parents flipped out.

Protesters gathered
outside theaters,

Siskel and Ebert
weighed in on it,

and so TriStar caved.

They pulled it out of release
two weeks after it opened.

But, obviously, it went on
to become a cult classic.

It spawned four more sequels.

It was remade in 2012.

Nobody protested in 2012,
although maybe they should have.

So, the original
"Silent Night, Deadly Night"

kicks off with crazy grandpa

terrorizing
little apple-cheeked Billy

by telling him
that Christmas Eve is

"the scariest damn night
of the year"

and that Santa Will punish him.

So the next thing,
a psycho Santa Robs a store

and then murders Daddy
and rapes and murders Mommy

while a traumatized Billy
hides in the bushes,

and Little Billy is sent
to a Catholic orphanage,

where one of the nuns
wants to get him therapy

but Mother Superior decides
to beat it out of him instead

and tells him
if he's not a good boy,

Santa will be mean to him.

So of course little Billy
becomes clinically Santaphobic.

And then 17-year-old Billy
is working at a toy store,

and he's doing okay until
he has to fill in for Santa

and he sees the girl
that he likes

getting molested by a co-worker.

That, of course, is naughty.

And pretty soon,
Billy's making like G.I. Joe

and turning people
into Tinker Toys.

Okay, so, here's how "Silent
Night, Deadly Night 2" happened.

The producer of the first one,
a guy named Ira Barmak,

was pissed at TriStar
for ruining his box office

when they pulled the movie
out of theaters,

and he's also kind of offended

that he'd been raked over
the coals by Siskel and Ebert,

who had dogpiled on this movie.

They hated it.

Siskel called it "sick, sleazy,
and mean-spirited."

So, anyway, he got it back
from TriStar,

and he gave it
to Aquarius Releasing,

and they re-released it
in the spring of 1985,

and it did okay.

But then in 1986,
LIVE Entertainment --

remember them?

They released it on video,
and it did really, really well.

So now LIVE decides
they want to make a sequel,

but the original director
refuses to be involved,

and in truth, they don't really
want to actually film a sequel.

So a producer
named Larry Appelbaum

takes two editors at his company
and he says,

"I want you to take all the
footage from the original movie,

scramble it up,
make it into a new movie."

[Laughter]

Who does that?

So, first of all,

the people involved
in the making of Part 2,

they tell that story
with a straight face,

like it was possible.

I mean, Part 1 had been --
it wasn't big-budget,

but it was made
by the low-budget division

of a big-budget studio,
meaning they had enough money.

It was directed
by Charles E. Sellier,

the creator of "The Life
and Times of Grizzly Adams."

He later disavowed the film.

He said he just did it
as a favor.

But they went to a little Mormon
town in Utah called Heber City,

population about 4,000,
so it was a location shoot.

It was a 32-day shoot, which is
long for a horror flick.

So, the new producers say,

"Well, we don't have the money
to do that again,"

and so they say
to these two editors,

"Just put a sequel together
for us."

So Lee Harry, the director,
wasn't a director.

He was an editor.

And he talked to his editing
associate, Joe Earle, about it,

and they decided to just spend
the weekend writing a sequel,

trying to use as much footage

from the first movie
as possible.

And when they finished,
they said, "You know, I'm sorry,

but we can't completely do
what you guys want" --

you know, because that would be
crazy, first of all.

"But if you give us $100,000
and seven days of shoots,

we can do it."

So that's what happened.

They shot 45 minutes
of new film,

they used 40 minutes
from the old film.

The theatrical release
was May 1987,

and the film was
universally hated for...

using all that footage
from the first film!

Duh!

But they hired an actor
named Eric Freeman for the lead,

and his performance is
so out-of-control, over-the-top

that he eventually became
world-famous

and an Internet meme,

and so around 15 years ago,

people started searching
for him.

There was a huge movement
called Find Freeman.

And it was assumed
that he was hiding out

to escape the infamy of "Silent
Night, Deadly Night, Part 2."

and they eventually
didfind him,

and we'll tell
that history later,

but right now,
let's just run down

those drive-in totals
and get into it.

This is actually a sequel
that you're better off seeing

if you did not see
the first movie,

'cause most of the first movie
is here.

We have...

Are you ready, Darcy?Heck yeah.

Reenactment coming up later
by Darcy.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for...

Frank Novak as the loan shark

who beats up a guy in the alley
and says,

"I hope you don'tpay on Monday,
'cause I enjoy this too much."

James Newman as Dr. Bloom,

the no-nonsense
Psychiatrist Number 13.

Eric Freeman, as Ricky,
for the one-liner

that has been
turned into more memes

than any one-liner
in film history.

I speak, of course,
of "Garbage Day!"

[Laughter]

Jean Miller as Mother Superior,
for saying "Very, very naughty."

Elizabeth Kaitan --
and her two enormous talents --

as the psycho-killer
love interest.

And Kenneth Brian James
as Chip, the ex-boyfriend,

who says, "If I knew
you could sink this low,

I never would have dumped you."

[Chuckles]

Three stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

And everything in this movie is
blamed on the Catholic Church,

before it was fashionable

to blame everything
on the Catholic Church.

I mean, in France, you know,

they've been doing that
for years.

They've been hacking off the
heads of priests and cardinals

for centuries in France.

They're used to it.

But these nasty nuns
in this movie are just vicious.

They create
holiday-themed ax killers

by their brutal orphanage
disciplinary policies.

And so...

And isn't that the point
of all these

"Silent Night, Deadly Night"
movies?

Of which there are five,
by the way.

That's scary.

I never went to Catholic school,
but I know that those --

Did you go to Catholic school?
You went to Catholic school.

For a bit.

Those nuns can open up a can
of Biblical whoop-ass, right?

And they can devise
medieval tortures

involving, you know, tree limbs

and pressurized rubber
and stuff.

That's what I've heard, anyway.

That's not exactly right.

[Laughing] All right.[Laughs]

They can basically fold you
into a flesh sandwich

and tell you
that you deserved it.

They wear those shoes.

You know those shoes
that the nuns wear?

I blame it on those shoes.

You put on a shoe like that,

you know,
you want to put that shoe

up somebody's rectum,
I would imagine, you know?

I shouldn't be
picking on the Church, though,

'cause it's Christmas, you know.

But come on. There's a reason
that Jesus wore flip-flops.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct talking
in distance]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You can leave now.

♪♪

Now!

♪♪

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

My name is Dr. Bloom.

You can call me Henry.

Or, if you would feel more
comfortable,

you can just call me Doc.

Fuck off, Doc.

I'm not one for games,
Ricky.

I'm a professional.

My time is very valuable.

Oh. And mine isn't?

Your time
is running out, son.

♪♪

I'm your last chance.

Yeah?

Yeah.

♪♪

Well, what makes you think
you can bullshit your way

into my head,

like every other
pencil-necked piece of shit?!

I told you to get out!

♪♪

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

Sit down, Ricky.

♪♪

♪♪

Let's get something
straight.

I will ask the questions.

You will answer them.

You will talk.

I will listen.

But then you know that.

I'm not the first psychiatrist
you've seen.

No kiddin'.

Fine.

♪♪

Then let's get started.

♪♪

I need to ask you
something.

Shoot. It's your dime.

♪♪

It's my dime.

♪♪

Who killed your parents?

♪♪

You really want to know?

♪♪

Who, Ricky?

♪♪

Who did it?

♪♪

Santa Claus.

♪♪

It was Christmas Eve.

♪♪

I was just a baby,
and Billy was only 7.

But he knew all about
Santa Claus.

Mom? What time is it?

♪♪

It's almost 4:30, honey.

We're gonna be at Grandpa's
pretty soon.

What time
does Santa Claus come?

Not until everyone
is asleep in bed, hon.

Can't I stay up
and see him?

I wouldn't if I were you.

It's naughty to stay up
past your bedtime.

What if we don't get home
by my bedtime?

We will, hon.
Don't worry.

Santa Claus is gonna bring you
a big surprise tonight.

You just wait and see.

♪♪

It was night by the time
we reached that turnoff.

♪♪

I don't know
what made him stop.

What's that?
Hmm?

Actually, I do know
what made him stop.

There it is again.
See?

There's something up there,
all right.

Do you see what I see?

Billy was there.

You think we should
wake up Billy?

Billy told me everything.

-Santa Claus!

Looks like you get to see him
tonight after all, Billy.

[Bells jingling]

Need a ride,
Santa Claus?

Well, no. Not exactly.

♪♪

Jim, go!

[Tires squeal]

Go!!

[Baby crying]

[Bells jingling]

♪♪

♪♪

Help!

[Screaming]

[Crying continues]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, yeah?

Dare to hit me?!

♪♪

Shoot.

[Cackling]
Ho, ho, ho.

It was him,
jolly Saint Nick...

with a knife in his hand.

Where are you,
you little bastard?!

[Crying continues]

♪♪

Bastard.

He left us out there
to die.

That was a long time ago.

How could you possibly
remember all that?

Because...

I was there.

You know, I don't like
your attitude, Bloom.

Myattitude is not the issue,
Mr. Caldwell.

[Scoffs]

Oh. I forgot.

You in a hurry, Doc?

Am I wasting
your valuable time?

[Sighs]

Tell me about your stay
at Saint Mary's orphanage.

I hated that fucking place.

♪♪

It was rough on both of us.

And Christmastime
was always the worst.

Sister Margaret:
All right, now, who's next?

We haven't seen
yourdrawing yet, have we?

It didn't exactly bring out
the best in Billy.

Billy?

Billy.

Okay.
Come on up here.

Put your drawing up on the board
with the others.

You put it in place,
and I'll put the tape on it.

[Screams]
Sister, look!

♪♪

Billy! Take that down!

♪♪

Explain this, William.

I'm sorry,
Mother Superior.

Are you?

I don't think so.

But you willbe.

You will learn what it is
to be sorry.

Now go to your room
and stay there.

Yes, Mother Superior.

♪♪

Until I tell you
to come out.

♪♪

[Door closes]

Well, you finally have
what you've been asking for,

Mother Superior.

Proof.

Of what, Sister Margaret?

Of what I've been saying.

That it's all
still inside him.

Simply because something
unfortunate happened

to his parents,
which he knows nothing about,

is no reason to allow him
to run wild.

He must be taught.

Good day, Sister.

♪♪

Good day, Mother Superior.

♪♪

[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

♪♪

I think you've been locked away
up here long enough.

Why don't you come out
and help us build our snowman?

I can't.

Look, Billy, Mother Superior
only wants what's best for you.

And I think what's best for you
is to come out

and play
with the other children, okay?

Hmm?
Yes.

[Laughing] Okay.

♪♪

[Moaning in distance]

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

[Woman laughs]

♪♪

[Mother screaming]

[Gasps]

Filthy devil!

You'll pay for this.

Punishment.

You devil,
take your punishment.

[Gasps]

Devil!

[Man and woman screaming,
belt cracking]

William!

Don't blame him,
Mother Superior.

I told him
he could come out.

Stay out of this,
Sister Margaret.

William, come here.

Billy, what's wrong?

Your brother's a nutcase.
That's what's wrong.

No, he's not!
Take it back!

Boys!

What did you see upstairs,
William?

Nothing, Mother Superior.

What they were doing was
something very, very naughty.

They thought they could do it
without being caught.

But when we do something
naughty, we are alwayscaught.

And then we are punished.

Punishment is absolute.

Punishment is good.

Yes, Mother Superior.

You left your room,
William.

Yes, Mother Superior.

Very, very naughty.

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Grunts]

She...was...naughty.

[Birds chirping]

You miss your brother?

What do youthink?

You felt sorry for him.

Why?

I feel sorry for you.

You do?
Yeah.

You're shrink number...

13.

Good.

That's my lucky number.

♪♪

Do you dream, Ricky?

♪♪

I...don't...sleep.

But Billy had dreams --

bad dreams.

[Whimpering]

Every day, I'd hear about them.

[Whimpering continues]

But every night,
he'd live them.

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

Please let me up!

Mother Superior had a thing
about discipline...

[Voice breaking]
Sister Margaret.

...what was naughty...
and what wasn't.

Let me out!

Leave him alone.
Let me up.

♪♪

Let me out of here!

Let me up!

Let me up!

♪♪

Let me out of here!
Please!

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Voice breaking]
Sister Margaret...

But on Christmas day...

it all went straight to hell.

No! No! Aaah! No!

Out of the way.

No! [Whimpers]

You will learn gratitude!

Say thank you
to Santa Claus.

No. No!

[Grunts]

♪♪

Billy! Billy!

♪♪

[Voice breaking] I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be naughty.

Don't punish me.

Please.

[Footsteps approaching]

Mother Superior: William.

No one heard him screaming.

But Idid.

♪♪

[Sighs]

New tape.

[Birds chirping]

What do you see
out there?

Bars.

[Sighs]

Let's jump ahead.

Let's.

Your brother eventually
left the orphanage.

Yeah.

Left you alone.

He didn't leave me.

He was 18.

Mother Superior
got him a job --

at the local toy store.

That's very good.

Very realistic.

Isn't it, Mrs. Randall?

He's definitely
fat and jolly.

Take a closer look at yourself
in the mirror, Billy.

Picture that.

Now, just remember,
lots of "Ho, ho, ho."

Try not to scare
the little bastards.

I guess they think
the old guy's scary.

Silly, isn't it?

Silly.

[Indistinct talking]

Stop it.
[Whimpering]

Please, stop it.

Do you have any idea
what you're doing?

You're being naughty.

I don't bring toys
to naughty children.

I punish them...

severely.

He sure knows how
to handle kids.

He's great, isn't he?

[Whimpers]

Mommy!

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ Good tidings for you
wherever you are ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪♪

[Whirring]

♪♪

Hey, Santa!

[Slurring] Santa,
you -- you better sober up.

You got a long night
ahead of you.

[Laughing]

Huh?

You remember what Santa does
on Christmas Eve, don't you?

♪♪

Yeah.

Yeah, I know what he does.

♪♪

[Whirring]

♪ Santa's watching,
Santa's waiting ♪

♪ Christmas Eve
is slowly fading ♪

♪ Can you hear him
in the night? ♪

♪ Close the door,
turn out the light ♪

♪ Santa's watching,
Santa's creeping ♪

♪ Now you're nodding,
now you're sleeping ♪

♪ Were you good
for Mom and Dad? ♪

[Singing continues
indistinctly]

Woman: Oh, stop it.

♪♪

Come on.

Come on.
Don't do that, Andy.

Andy!

Unh-unh.

No.
Don't do that.

Come on.
Let's go back now.

Andy! Stop it!

Please, Andy!
No!

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Laughs]

♪♪

No!
[Screaming]

♪♪

Naughty!

♪♪

[Choking]

♪♪

♪♪

You bastard!
You're crazy!

Get the hell
away from me!

♪♪

[Thud]

Did you hear something?

I didn't hear anything,
Mr. Simms.

Must have been
your imagination.

♪♪

[Screams]

Punishment is good!

I heard something,
by God.

[Whimpering]

No.

[Gasps]

♪♪

Anybody in here?

[Bells jingling softly]

♪♪

♪♪

Aah--

Mr. Simms!

♪♪

[Train whistle blows]

Mr. Simms!

Come out here and see this!

This is lovely!

♪♪

Mr. Simms!
Are you hiding in there?

[Train whistle blows]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Whispering] Answer!

Operator.
Thank God.

No!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

No!

♪♪

[Screams]

[Static]

Okay, you kinda see what I mean
when I say it doesn't matter

if you haven't seen
the first movie?

You're gonna see it.

That first flashback
when Santa attacks the parents

is from Ricky's memory
as an infant.

He's the baby in that car.

And actually, they kinda deal
with it by saying that Billy,

the older psycho Santa,
told Ricky,

the baby soon-to-be psycho
Santa, how everything went down,

but even Billy is only 7 at
the time of that highway scene.

So, anyhow, does anybody
remember a basketball player

named Bill Laimbeer?

He played for the Detroit
Pistons in their glory days.

Don't you think Ricky looks
exactly like Bill Laimbeer?

Just saying -- big athletic guy.

Laimbeer was a 7-footer,
I think.

Eric Freeman got relentlessly
lampooned for this performance,

but I actually kinda like it.

I like the way he sneers.

Somebody went through the movie
and counted the number of times

he raises an eyebrow --

130 times.

We'll talk more about
Bill Laimbeer --

I mean Eric Freeman,

I mean Ricky Caldwell --
in a minute,

but basically, what we've got
here is a framing story

with a no-nonsense psychiatrist
as an excuse

to get the whole
first movie into this movie.

We've got the big set pieces

of the Santa Claus murder
of the parents,

the mean Mother Superior
flogging Billy and tying him up,

the toy store murders 'cause
people are being naughty.

So we know that a couple
of things set Billy off --

the color red,
'cause Santa's suit is red,

and people having sex,

because he witnessed Santa
attempting to rape his mom

and then slitting her throat.

There are eightwriting credits
on this movie --

two for the original characters.

The story has four credits,

and the screenplay
has two credits,

including Lee Harry,
the editor-turned-director,

who admits he was scared
as heck

when he walked on to the set
the first day

and realized he was in charge

and everybody was gonna look
to him to tell them what to do.

One interesting thing

about the "Silent Night,
Deadly Night" franchise

is that every single person
who worked on it,

including the original director,
said,

"A," they were not horror fans
and, "B,"

they didn't like the story --
they thought it was too violent.

And then they made it
moreviolent.

'Course, the guy
commissioning the sequels

is the head
of LIVE Entertainment,

Jose Menendez,
who would not live

to see the revival
of interest

in "Silent Night,
Deadly Night, Part 2,"

due to his sons,
Lyle and Eric Menendez,

having an attitude
similar to Ricky's.

And on that note,
let's get back to the movie.

♪♪

Everybody that commits murder
in L.A. is good-looking.

Have you noticed that?

They got personal trainers
and makeup assistants and stuff.

Do they have a red carpet

down at the Los Angeles
County Courthouse?

They probably do.

Lyle and Eric,
they were just like Ricky --

studly guys, ladykillers.

And their reason for
killing their mom and dad

was something like
"We needed more personal space."

Right?

They were too constricted
in their lifestyle.

They needed better courtside
seats at Staples Center.

'Cause have you seen
that Mark Jackson trading card?

You know, Mark Jackson was
a point guard for the Knicks,

and on the official
NBA trading card,

you can see Lyle and Eric
sitting courtside

while he makes
a bounce pass.

eBay pulled all those
off the site.

You can't buy them anymore.

I don't know why.

It's not like Eric and Lyle
get money

for being on the Mark Jackson
basketball card.

I know what it was.

They were spending
their parents' money

after they killed them.

That's how they ended up
at Staples Center --

or wherever they went
to the Knicks game.

Maybe it wasn't Staples Center.

Wait a minute. There was
no Staples Center at the time.

So that would have been
at the Forum.

But what would really
be interesting --

and make this ridiculous,
rambling thing I'm doing here

make some kind of odd sense --

would be if the Knicks were
playing Detroit at the game

where the Menendez brothers
were sitting courtside,

because then you would have
Bill Laimbeer on the same court

as the guy who resembles

the fictional "Silent Night,
Deadly Night" killer

who is buff and sharp-looking

and about the same age
as the Menendez Brothers,

who actually spent money

from the "Silent Night,
Deadly Night 2" proceeds

to purchase
those courtside seats.

You see how life is a circle?

[Laughter]

Or maybe an octagon?

I need to shut up. Yes.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, static]

But it wasn't his fault.

It couldn't be.

Then whose fault was it?

It was that bitch Superior.

She made him do it.

Was Billy being naughty?

No.

Theywere naughty.

He punished the bad ones.

How did he know
who the bad ones were?

He didn't have to look
very far.

[Bells jingling]Oh, shit.

What?

[Sighs] Sorry, Tommy.

I gotta go upstairs
for a minute.

What for?

Um, the cat
wants to come inside.

How do you know?

I heard her collar jingling
at the door.

Uh...

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Cat meows]

There you are,
you bad kitty!

Punish!

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

What are you doing?

No! No!

[Whimpering]

Punish.

Punish!

[Gasping]

[Cat meows]

[Wind whistling]

Holy shit.

[Cat meows]

♪♪

Denise?

Are you okay?

♪♪

Oh, if this is some kind
of joke, I'm gonna kill her.

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dial tone]

[Dialing]

[Ringing]

Operator.

Operator.

Operator,
I-I need the police.

Dial 911 for emergency --

Sir, is this a joke?

♪♪

Punish!

[Gasping]

♪♪

Punish!

No!

♪♪

Dr. Bloom:
But the others were innocent.

Ricky: Oh, no.

They deserved it.

But no one understood.

Not even the police.

Officer:
Can you believe this?

It's Christmas Eve,

and we got orders
to bring in Santa Claus.

♪♪

Hey, look.

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

What are you doing?

What do you think
you're doing?!

♪♪

Hold it!
Stop right there!

Daddy.

Daddy?!

♪♪

Daddy almost got
his present early.

[Siren wailing]

But Billy was miles away.

♪♪

It was something to see.
[Chuckles]

Cops stopping every Santa

between here
and the state line.

[Siren continues]

But that didn't matter
to Billy.

He knew the roads --
the shortcuts.

He knew exactly
where he was going.

And nothing was gonna stop him.

♪♪

At least...not for long.

♪♪

Look at this hill.
Virgin, man.

The only kind
you'llever get.

I'm going down first.

♪♪

What's the matter?
You afraid?

Be quiet for a minute.

I feel like somebody's
watching me.

Like who?

♪♪

Well. If it isn't
Bob and Mack.

Now why don't you guys just get
the fuck out of the way?

♪♪

Glad to, little man.

But, uh, we're gonna go
sledding.

Oh, that's the plan.

Yeah.

♪♪

All right!
All right! I'm sorry!

♪♪

Now get out of here!

-Come on! Go on!
-Get out of here.

Yeah. [Laughs]
All right.

All right.
Let's go.

You go first.

Oh, okay.

♪♪

Hey,
what if I hit a tree?

Just go.

♪♪

Yeah!

[Laughs]

Ha! Whoo!

Yahoo!

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

All right.

Now watch this!

♪♪

[Shouting, laughing]

[Screaming, cheering,
laughing]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screams]

Oh, God!

Billy hated bullies.

♪♪

But he was starting to leave
a bloody trail.

Three more murders.

Been eluding my men
all night.

♪♪

Kid may be nuts,
but he's not stupid.

♪♪

There oughta be a way
we can predict his next move.

Oh, my Lord.

Ricky: Sister Margaret
had it all figured out.

She always knew
the score.

But Mother Superior
called the shots.

It's fairly obvious
where he was going.

Really?

Well, maybe you were just
jerking off here, then.

Huh?
If you say so.

♪♪

You're good, Doc.

But I know all the moves.

I could squash you
like a bug.

♪♪

You don't scare me.

[Chuckles]

Not yet.

♪♪

[Indistinct talking]

I want those papers
folded and stacked.

And I want each one of you
to write a nice "thank you"

to Santa --
for his visit later.

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

If any of you get wet or start
to feel cold, come back inside.

[Indistinct talking, laughter]

♪♪

Cut it out!
Can't you see who's coming?

♪♪

Billy?

[Siren wailing]

This is Officer Barnes. I'm
approaching the orphanage now.

♪♪

Shit!

♪♪

All right, hold it!

Don't take another step,
or I'll shoot!

Billy.
Get out of there!
Get away from him!

Billy.

♪♪

Sister Margaret:
Oh, my God.

Children! Inside!
Hurry!

[Indistinct talking]

Ricky!

Come away from there!

One problem.

It wasn't Billy.

It was old man Kelsey,
the janitor.

Poor, deaf son of a bitch.

Mother Superior was
pretty pissed off.

I guess the cop kind of
felt bad about it, too.

I couldn't give a shit.

I knew
Billy'd take care of him.

He was dressed
as a Santa Claus.

I'm sorry
for what happened,

but there is a killer
on the way here.

Oh, the children.

No harm must come to
the children. Do you understand?

That's why I'm here,
Sister.

I am Mother Superior.

And so far, all you
have done is harm.

I'm gonna check out
the grounds.

In the meantime, you make sure
everyone stays inside.

Don't let anybody come in unless
you know exactly who it is.

No one is going to get in
that doesn't belong here.

♪♪

♪♪

[Liquid dripping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cat hisses]

[Bottle clinks, rolls]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cat meows]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

Punish!

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

Poor things.
They're scared to death.

♪♪

Hmm?

Oh. Yes.

They need something
to keep their mind off it.

We're gonna sing.

Ready, Sister?

"Deck the Halls."

Andrew, where do you
think you're going?

Come on.
We need altos.

♪♪

No! Don't!

Girl: It's Santa!

Chrissie, stay away!

But, Mother Superior --

Chrissie.

It's Santa Claus.

Stay away from him.

Come here.

Andrew, come here.

♪♪

There's no Santa Claus.

Naughty.

There is no Santa Claus!

Naughty. Naughty.

There is no Santa Claus!

Naughty!

[Gunshots]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You're safe...now.

Santa Claus...

is gone.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Adult Ricky: Naughty.

♪♪

Verynaughty.

[Static]

Okay, Darcy, were you paying
close attention

to the "impalement
on reindeer antlers" scene?

Because I want us to be

absolutely
historically accurate.

I've seen that scene
a million times.

Okay,
then let's go over it.

That's Linnea Quigley in
the impaled-slutty-girl role.

I don't think she's slutty.

She's just chilling with her
boyfriend, checking on her cat.

Okay, well, she gets interrupted
from pool table sex.

You have experience
with pool table sex?

Yeah.

You say that like everybody
has pool table sex.

So, you're having pool table sex
with your boyfriend,

but you get interrupted.

We need somebody
to play the boyfriend --

somebody on the crew who looks
good with your shirt off.

So, uh...

[Laughter]

Okay,
that's not gonna happen.

So, you go to the front door
to check on your cat,

but when you open
the front door,

a deranged Santa Claus
grabs you

and raises you
up over his head

and brutally rams you
down onto the antlers.

Yes?
Can you do that?

I'm so down for that.
Okay.

And the antlers go through
your rib cage -- very gory --

and they splatter blood all over
your nekkid upper body.

[Laughs] Got it.

Only, your body
won't be nekkid, because...

Shudder doesn't like us
to do stuff like that.

So what do you want me
to wear instead?

Oh, we can't see
any nipple.

I thought we were gonna do
the scene exactly as it is.

Well, yes, and I know your whole
"Free the Nipple" crusade

that you have and how strongly
you feel about it,

but we have children
who watch the show, and so...

The children are gonna see it
in the movie.

Yeah, I know, but...

Okay.

I think
I have a solution.

You do?
Yes.

You won't see a nipple
at all.

Okay.

Now, who's playing
Santa Claus?

I thought youwere.

You would let meimpale you
on antlers?

It's a way to get you
in the Santa outfit.

Okay. Totally worth it.
Okay, sold.

In the meantime,
I think we've finally

reached the end of
the flashback part of the movie.

And by the way, how does Billy
find these couples

having sex
in the first place?

How did he know
that you would come to the door

to check on your cat?

And why does he care?

Okay, the guys who stole
the sleds were bullies,

so Billy hates bullies,

and he goes to the orphanage

because that's where the mean
Mother Superior is,

and he hates her.

But he doesn't have any reason
to hate Linnea Quigley.

He's just going
house by house, judging.

[Laughing] Okay.That's my theory.

And she's having sex on a pool
table and going topless, so...

"Naughty."

"Punish."

Ooh. You do that
a little well.

All right,
back to the movie.

What's your solution
for nekkidness?

Pasties.

Oh, no, no, no.
Shudder's not gonna go for that.

Pasties -- they don't
cover up enough.

I have really cool
festive pasties.

Really?You're gonna love them.

All right.

Oh, I'm sure
I'll love pasties,

and I'm sure the crew
will love pasties,

and I'm sure men all over
America will love pasties,

but I can tell you,
we have to harness those babies,

'cause we gotta keep
those things under control.

Among other things,
I'm gonna be hoisting you up

in a dangerous maneuver,

I'm gonna be inches
from your chest.

You could put an eye out.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

[Tape flapping]

So...

this is me, huh?

[Chuckles]

They closed the orphanage
after that.

You bet.

But kindly Sister Mary
was able to find me a family.

The Rosenbergs.

[Scoffs]

They definitely did not
get involved with Christmas.

[Click]

[Projector whirring]

The sister gave them my...

background.

And they treated me okay.

I was finally able to act
like a kid.

Not some freak show
with a killer for a brother.

It wasn't bad.

Hell, what did I know?

I was 12 years old.

[Projector whirring]

[Whirring stops]

Martha? Martha!

Oh, Jill!
Hi!

How are you?
Oh, good to see you.

Ricky, you stay right there.
Okay?

Oh, I'm so glad
I ran into you.

[Continues indistinctly]

♪♪

Mom.

Just a second, honey.

♪♪

Mom.

Ricky, darling,
Mommy is talking.

♪♪

Mom, look!

What is it, sweetheart?

♪♪

[Sighs]

I don't know
what is wrong with him.

Jill: [Laughing] Oh,
that's okay. So, anyway...

♪♪

Well.
Good afternoon, Sisters.

I'll be right with you.

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshots]

Jill, hold this.

♪♪

Oh, my God.

♪♪

I need to go.

Sister Mary: You've got to
understand the situation.

Understand?

The boy -- he had
some kind of a seizure.

This is not normal.

I was afraid
they'd send me back.

Morty, Morty, you didn't see it.
You don't know.

You weren't there.Yeah, but he's my son.

Crazy kid and all that.

I'd like to know
what the hell is going on here!

If I may make
a suggestion --

But Sister Mary
straightened things out,

and pretty soon,
the whole thing was forgotten.

Mother Superior
has assured me

that his behavior
will improve

once he has a stable
family environment.

♪♪

Morty, he needs us.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Come on, honey.

I'd...like to spend some time
with him.

♪♪

It was about five years later
that my stepdad died.

[Crows cawing]

And guess what.

That hit me pretty hard.

♪♪

♪♪

The Rosenbergs had
always been good to me.

And I knew what she
was going through.

All alone.

[Cawing continues]

♪♪

After the funeral,
I needed some time.

♪♪

I felt like running away.

♪♪

I've never told anybody
this before.

Let it out.

[Chuckles]

Here it comes.

[Birds chirping]

I used to walk for hours
on those back roads.

♪♪

No one was close.

♪♪

No one to lose.

♪♪

You tend to get paranoid when
everyone around you gets dead.

♪♪

That's life.

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct talking]

♪♪

It doesn't really work
that way.

Mm-hmm.

Is that cold?

[Both laugh]

♪♪

Ooh.

You're gonna need
a new shirt.

[Laughs]

Why?

What do you mean?

I mean,
I see something I like.

Eddie,
you are such a pig.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

That's what you like
about me, ain't it?

Say it.

Say what?

You know.
Tell me you want it.

Eddie.
Look.

If you don't tell me
you want it, you can't have it.

[Chuckles]

I do want it.

But not right now.

♪♪

You're always in such a hurry
with me.

Yeah, so what?

So maybe I'm tired of you
always grabbing at me.

With your friends,
it's real funny.

But not right now.

So leave me alone!

Come on!

Eddie!

♪♪

This will be fun.
Eddie!

Ain't this exciting?

Goddamn it, Eddie!
Stop it!

[Screams]
[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

Naughty.

♪♪

Fuck this.

I'm gettin' a beer.

Then I'll be back.

♪♪

You're an asshole, Eddie!

♪♪

♪♪

[Tab pops]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn blares]

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Going too fast for you,
Doc?

"Red car."

Good point.

You got any kids, Doc?

No, we were never blessed
with children.

Married, then, huh?

Yes.

But my wife
has been dead many years.

Too bad.

How'd you meet her?

In college.

And that's none
of your business.

My old lady couldn't afford
to send me to college.

So I got a job.

I was 18.

Washing dishes, dumping
trash -- that kind of shit --

at the Chez Ritz across town.

Man: Rocco!

Man #2: [Laughing] No!

I think you'll enjoy this.

Come on, Rocco.

Rocco.

Sounded like some squirrel
getting its nuts squeezed.

Rocco, let's talk!

No.

Rocco, just between
the two of us!

[Laughing] No.

Rocco, come on.
We can --

No!

Monday -- I swear
I'll pay it all on Monday.

You won't live
until Monday.

[Groans]

[Whimpers]

Listen, listen.
I got a line on something.

I can feel it.
It's gonna happen.

Hey, you know what?

What?

[Groans]

I hope you don'tpay
on Monday.

[Groaning]

[Whimpers]

'Cause I enjoy this
too much.

♪♪

♪♪

What are you
looking at, kid?

Get out of my way.

♪♪

Ooooh!

You're really
asking for it.

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Naughty.

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Gurgles]

♪♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

I wonder how many times Ricky
says "Punish" in this movie.

The theory of this movie
is that he's a Pavlov's dog.

Whenever he sees something that
could be interpreted as rape,

he flashes back --

Actually, let me correct that.

He can't flash back
to his own memory,

so he somehow enters
the brain of his dead brother

and uses hisflashback
to the attempted rape

followed by throat slashing
of their mother.

And, of course,
anything red sets him off

like a bull in Pamplona.

So he gets triggered.

And also bullies --
he hates bullies.

I'm not sure what caused
the childhood bully hatred.

They don't really
establish that very well.

But a loan shark
would be a bully, I guess.

What's with the girl
thanking the serial killer

for running over
her boyfriend, though?

She was upset because
he was always grabbing her.

He was a pig.
She calls him a pig.

And he admits it.
He fesses up.

He says,
"Yeah, I'm totally a pig."

And so he deserves death,
I guess.

A fantasy scene for every incel,
you know?

You guys know what incels are?

They're those guys
on the Internet who believe

they will never have sex
because all the girls

are taken by guys named Chad
who deserve to die.

That's what they call them --
the Chads of the world.

They're kind of
boyfriend-haters.

They're also girl-haters.

They think every girl
chooses the wrong guy

instead of choosing an incel.

'Cause an incel
is an abbreviation

for "involuntary celibate."

So they go to chat groups
and talk about

how unfair dating life is
'cause they never get laid.

So this scene is what should
happen in a perfect incel world.

He paws the girl,
he acts like a pig.

Sorry -- he has to die so that
an incel will have a chance

to have sex with her.

[Laughter]

Oh, there were three
different Rickys

in the scenes we just watched.

The Ricky at age 10 was a kid
named Brian Michael Henley.

This is the only time
he was ever on film.

He's the kid who kept nagging
his Jewish mom

because he saw those two nuns
walking down the sidewalk

and it freaked him out.

By the way,
the friendly nun's solution

to Ricky's psychiatric problem
is Judaism.

[Laughs]

"We'll just put Ricky
with a nice Jewish family,

and he'll never have to face
Santa Claus again."

And then the Ricky at age 15,
who runs over the boyfriend,

that was played
by Darrel Guilbeau.

He was a day player brought in

to do the Jeep
and the graveyard scene.

And then, of course,
the loan shark,

umbrella-through-the-gizzard
scene -- that was Eric Freeman.

So three actors, three Rickys

to show all the stages
of Ricky's life.

So, this is one of those movies
from the '80s --

and this happens a lot
these days --

where the film
gets totally forgotten

and then people rent it on VHS,
they buy the DVD,

they start talking about it
on the Internet,

they start posting their
favorite scenes on YouTube,

and pretty soon, you have
a cult classic on your hands.

And the reason in this case is
the performance of Eric Freeman,

especially in the scenes
we're about to watch.

If you talk to the filmmakers,
they're amazed.

They had no idea.

Lee Harry, the director
and co-writer,

only did one other feature,
"Street Soldiers,"

a gang war movie
with lots of stunts in it.

He was actually -- originally,
he was going to school

in Bridgeport, Connecticut,

and he made a film called
"Button Button"

based on
a Richard Matheson story

that actually won
a Student Film Academy Award,

and that's what caused him
to move to Hollywood

in the first place,
and his first real paying job

was doing the editing
on "Hellhole,"

which was a slasher film set
in an insane asylum.

This was in the era

when slashers were really
considered reprehensible.

You didn't want to
be associated with slashers.

But he had moved to Hollywood
and he needed the money,

and so the producer of
"Hellhole" was Larry Appelbaum,

and he came up later and said,

"Can you editors take
'Silent Night, Deadly Night'

and do something sequel-wise
with it?"

And so they got
this minuscule budget.

They got a revenge-plot script

that was kind of
thrown together in three days.

It was just "cast, shoot,
and run with that thing."

And the exam room
where Bloom questions Ricky,

that was the Veterans
Administration Hospital.

All these scenes
we're watching now,

starting with the nuns on
the sidewalk and the loan shark,

were in the little town
of Sierra Madre,

population about 10,000,
which is where you go

when you want to shoot a
so-called typical American town.

It's not a typical American town

'cause nothing
in Southern California

looks like
a typical American town,

but it's got generic
suburban neighborhoods

where people will let you
use their property for cheap.

John Carpenter used Sierra Madre
all the time.

The cemetery scene
in the original "Halloween"

is the same cemetery
where Ricky and his Jewish mom

mourn the passing
of his Jewish dad,

and then Carpenter came back
to use Sierra Madre

in "The Fog," "Halloween 2."

Hundreds of movies have been
shot there,

going all the way back to
D.W. Griffith in the silent era.

But they had so little money

that they had to shoot
really, really fast,

so all the locations were
what was called "hard outs,"

meaning you rented the place
for a certain number of hours,

and when it got to be 6:00,
you had to be cleaned up

and out of there,
or all hell would break loose.

And so, Lee Harry remembers
this putting him

under intense pressure
and stress --

so much so that
he didn't have time

to talk to the actors
about their performances.

Now, Joe Earle, the other editor
who was helping him

do the movie,
the co-writer on the movie,

didn't have any qualms about
talking to the actors,

so he was standing
on the sidelines

all the time Eric Freeman
was doing his scenes,

saying "Bigger! More! Crazier!"

And Freeman obliged him,
as we will see shortly.

Okay, back to the flick.

[Sighing] Oh, boy.

I don't totally understand
the whole incel thing.

Ricky is kind of an incel

because once he does
get a girlfriend,

he's psycho about it.

See, that's the problem --

if an incel, you know,
lucks out,

and gets a woman in his life,

he's gonna claw her to death
with how clingy he's gonna be.

Which -- And I don't want to
do spoilers,

but the incel philosophy
is "I'll never have sex,

'cause girls only like bad boys,
and I'm a nice guy,

so the girls hate me."

'Cause they get shot down
all the time.

Well, here's some news
for you --

every male has been shot down

like a wounded duck in an
Arkansas rice paddy, you know?

Isn't that what you do
in your 20s, you know?

You have a lot of girls say

"I'm not interested in you,"
"You're not my type."

And then she leaves
all her stuff on your dresser.

That's how you know you're not
an incel anymore, you know?

You discover a mascara stick
covered in toothpaste.

And you think,
"Oh, my God, she's not leaving."

Does that make sense?

So, incels, be careful
what you ask for.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

♪♪

What in the hell?

I see no mention of these two
incidents in my notes.

Oh, my God.

The state review board
will certainly

find out my opinions
on --

[Birds chirping, crowd cawing]

Well...
You didn't think...

...we've covered
a lot of ground today....I was gonna let him
get away with it?

Much more than
I had anticipated.Did you, Doc?

[Pounds table]
No way!

Too many people get away
with shit like that.

Punishment.

Discipline.

You're really starting
to get to me, Doc.

You're getting real close.

Then tell me
about Jennifer.

Eat shit.

♪♪

Richard, do you know
why you are here?

No, Doc.

Tell me.

No, you tell me.

I'm finished talking,
Henry.

♪♪

[Paper rustles]

♪♪

Who is this?

♪♪

Jennifer.

♪♪

She's the only thing
I ever cared about.

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs]

One day...

we just
bumped into each other.

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

She was a knockout.

♪♪

I never wanted to lose her.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

That was my first time.

♪♪

I thought...
it was Jennifer's, too.

[Explosions, laser gunfire]

Announcer: "Chaos.

The motion picture
you've been waiting for.

More action.
More violence.

[Woman screams]

Announcer:
More death and destruction

than any film
ever seen before.

You like this stuff?

"Chaos."
Huh?

[Explosions, gunfire continue]

This movie's
supposed to be scary.

When's it start?

Soon.

Let's go!
Start the movie!

[Chanting] Movie! Movie!

[Sighs] Oh, great.

We have to listen to that
for two hours?

It's okay.
It's starting.

[Theme music plays]

[Vocalizes theme music]

♪♪

[Continues vocalizing]

♪♪

You got a problem, pal?

See what I mean?

♪♪

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

[Whispering] You know,
I really like you, Ricky.

♪♪

You're...different.

♪♪

I don't know what it is.
I just --

Yeah.

I know.

Me too.

[Man smooching loudly]

♪♪

Go ahead, studly!

Kiss her! Ha!

[Movie dialogue]

[Scoffs]

I knew it.

Faggot!

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Well, we know
that'snot true.

[Dialogue continues]

♪♪

What did you say
this movie was about?

Oh, it's great.

It's about this guy who dresses
up like Santa Claus

and kills people.

What?!

I'm holding you up,
asshole!

♪♪

Punish.

♪♪

Ricky!
Where are you --

[Sighs]

Santa Killer: 31 bucks!

Merry Christmas!

[Bells jingling]

[Engine starts]

[Tires squeal]

[Gasps]

Guess who.

Chip. Yuck.

[Sighs]

You haven't returned
my calls, babe.

Imagine that.

Woman:
Want a ride or not?

You must be getting
pretty popular these days.

Go away.

I saw your dad
at the club.

He said he hardly sees you
anymore.

Like he cares.

I'dlike
to see you again.

For yoursake.

Oh. Lucky me.

[Scoffs]

What have I done to deserve
this treatment?

What haven'tyou done,
Chip?

Wait a minute.

Is this the same girl

who pledged eternal love
in the back seat of my car?

[Whispering] If you ever
tell anybody about that,

I will kill you!

Don't worry.

It's our little secret.

Go...away.

Hey.

I'm trying to give you
another chance.

Great.

You stood me up.
You cheated on me.

You ruined
my best sweater.

And I would rather diebefore
I'd go out with you again.

♪♪

What are you
trying to say?

Go...away, Chip.

I have a date.

[Sighs]

You mean Kong?

Is he housebroken?

♪♪

This movie's so bogus.

Really is.

Watch this.

The guy's gonna go down
into the basement

without a flashlight.

Brilliant.

♪♪

Never mind the fact
that everyone else

in the movie's dead.

How stupid.

Next thing you know --

♪♪

[Whispering] Shh.

Naughty.

[Man groaning]

[Chuckles]

Meter's running, Chip.

Or are you using
a credit card?

Chip: Oh, Roxanne?

She's okay.

She keeps me in shape.

Till you come back.

Right. Possible.

She does get impatient,
though.

Can't say I blame her.

Give me a break.

But I'll be home
all summer.

Call me sometime.

I'll be busy.

I'll be waiting.

♪♪

[Movie dialogue]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh. You're back.

Let's get out of here.

No.

I'm beginning to like
this picture.

[People screaming]

♪♪

So, tomorrow,
after you go shopping,

would it be all right if I came
and picked you up on my bike?

Sure.
Good.

There's a certain spot
I'd like to show ya.

Where?

♪♪

Well,
it's kind of romantic.

It's, uh,
up in the canyon.

You may like it.

♪♪

[Chuckles] Okay.

♪♪

So!

[Chuckles]

Thisis what
you ended up with?

If I'd known
you'd sink thislow,

I never would've dumped ya.

Chip, you're a jerk.

Why don't you just
leave us alone?

Come on.

Don't you miss me?

♪♪

All those good times
we had together.

Chip.
Homecoming.

Chip!

♪♪

[Laughing]
The hayride.

♪♪

That's enough.

Oh! It speaks.

I said that's enough.

Listen, bud,
that's what shesaid

when I fucked
her brains out

in the back seat
of Old Red here.

Shut up!

♪♪

[Laughs]

Falling for me again,
huh?

And you --

[Choking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

[Crackling intensifies]

♪♪

No!!

♪♪

[Crackling stops]

♪♪

What are you doing?!

Are you
out of your mind?!

...very naughty.

You killed him!

Punishment is good.

I hate you, Ricky!

Punishment is absolute.

I hate you!

Punish!

[Gulps]

Uh-oh!

♪♪

[Choking]

♪♪

♪♪

Officer:
Freeze, asshole!

Okay, pal.

You stand right there.

♪♪

Right there!

♪♪

Let's be real civilized
about this.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

That's fine.

♪♪

Now, I don't wanna
have to hurt you.

♪♪

All I'm gonna do
is slip these cuffs on.

And no funny stuff!

[Chuckles]

I know
how to use this.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Thud]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Chuckles slyly]

♪♪

♪♪

Hey! What the hell's
all that noise out there?!

♪♪

Motherfucker.

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

♪♪

♪♪

Garbage day!

Huh?

No!

♪♪

[Laughs]

[Blows]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Excuse me, mister.

That's okay.

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

Bingo!

♪♪

♪♪

Ha!

[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Drop your weapon!

Drop it!

♪♪

[Laughs]

I repeat -- drop it!

Now!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Gun cocks][Shotgun cocks]

[Laughs]

♪♪

No!

Don't do it!

No!
It's not worth it!

Don't be a fool!Don't do it!

Don't kill yourself!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Gun clicks]

[Static]

And so, the romantic part
of Ricky's life

ends with extremely
emotionally supportive cops

begging him
not to kill himself.

Doesn't that save the state
a lot of money

when the serial killer
kills himself?

Right after Ricky utters
one of the most famous lines

in horror film history --
"Garbage Day!"

[Laughter]

It was actually that one line

that probably resulted
in the movie

being resurrected
and worshipped today,

because literally millions
of people sampled that line,

made memes out of it,
spread it all over YouTube.

That led to the
Find Freeman Movement.

Nobody could locate Eric Freeman
for a long time,

and the rumor is
that he was hiding in shame

over his performance in
"Silent Night, Deadly Night 2."

He eventually surfaced
and was good-natured about it,

although he admitted that he was
trying to be a serious actor

and he just felt he had
no guidance from the director.

And the director admits he had
no guidance from the director.

They just kept telling him
to get bigger and more deranged.

The girlfriend, Jennifer,
is played by Elizabeth Kaitan,

in her first film role
after moving to L.A.

She was working
as a receptionist

at the same postproduction
house where the director worked.

She's Hungarian.

She moved to New York City
at the age of 8

and became a model,

got a couple of bit parts
in "Waitress!"

and "Zelig,"
the Woody Allen film.

Then she moved to L.A. and had
a short but very lively career.

She was Candy
in the "Vice Academy" series,

she was Daria in "Slave Girls
from Beyond Infinity,"

she was one of the bimbos in
"Assault of the Killer Bimbos,"

she was Julia in "Necromancer,"

and probably the role
most people have seen,

Robin in
"Friday the 13th Part VII."

And lest we forget,
Gretchen Hope

in "Roller Blade Warriors:
Taken by Force."

Always sexy and chipper
in her B-movie roles.

Retired from the business
in the '90s, got married,

works as a secretary
for David Horowitz,

the conservative
political activist.

I should also mention
James Newman

as Dr. Henry Bloom,
the psychiatrist.

He was a theater actor.

He had just finished playing
the psychiatrist in "Equus"

during a six-month
theatrical run.

All right,
that stunt with the car,

where Ricky fires three times

and makes the car crash
and explode,

that was Spiro Rozatos,
the one stuntman they had,

who did every single stunt
in the movie,

standing what looks to be
about 8 inches from that car

as it goes over that ramp.

So, does a little sidestep
to get out of the way.

Great stunt for having no money.

Um...

all right, what else?

Yuki.
Yes.

Are we ready for
the reindeer antler finale?

We are ready.

Okay, the antlers have been
aerodynamically tested

to handle the weight of Darcy

and to precisely
puncture her rib cage?

We are ready.

Okay, well, I know Darcy is
getting ready for her close-up.

And, uh, what are those?

For covering up
the nipple.

No, no, Yuki.
We can't use these.

They're way too small.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Those are hysterical, and you
should wear them at home, Yuki,

but those are not gonna work.

Shudder will kill us.

No? Oh, shoot.

[Laughter]

You're gonna have to
cover up her breasts.

Okay.

You guys are --

All right, let's just
go back to the movie,

and I'll get this
straightened out.

And now for the thrilling
conclusion of

"Silent Night, Deadly Night,
Part 2."

♪♪

What if we just used
stunt breasts for the close-up?

Did we ask Shudder about that?

See if you can get a message
to the head office.

What if we used
Linnea Quigley's breasts?

From the movie?

'Cause, you know,
sometimes I host movies

made in the late '60s,
early '70s,

and we'll have the cast members
at the screening,

and those girls -- hippie girls,
mostly, from the '60s --

who were in the exploitation
movies of that period,

you ask them about nudity,
and they're like, "What?

Who cares?"

You know, "We whipped off our
clothes at a moment's notice."

They're the least uptight
of all generations.

And then as you move
steadily in time,

you start getting
"I don't think I can do that."

You know?

The girl who was in the jeep
scene that we just watched,

she flaked at the last minute.

She said she didn't feel
comfortable going topless,

even though it was
kind of necessary in the scene

'cause it's supposed to look

exactly like that scene
on the highway

where Santa Claus rips off
the blouse of Ricky's mom.

It's a trigger moment.

But she wouldn't do it,
so they had to work around it.

Roger Corman
would have fired her.

He had that stuff in writing,
in your contract.

But, you know, breasts just
aren't what they used to be.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

♪♪

No more bullets.

♪♪

Young and stupid.

♪♪

That was my problem.

♪♪

And it's a shame
they stopped me

before I did what
I really had to do.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

But, hey...

that's life.

♪♪

♪♪

Sorry things worked out
this way, Henry.

You only wanted to help.

I appreciate the effort,
though.

But between you and me, Doc,
I know who's to blame.

[Clatter]

Dr. Bloom:
Hey, what the --

Man: Oh, my God!
He's loose!

[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

♪♪

Man:
...told me that there'd been
a murder at the institute.

We've got a problem,
Sister.

He walked out of here
six hours ago.

And it's Christmas Eve.

The orphanage is closed,
Lieutenant.

Mother Superior
had a stroke.

She's retired
and lives alone.

Oh, my God.

♪♪

Okay, hold it.

Nah.

He'd have to find her
first.

Man: Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

Give a dollar for the kiddies!

Ho, ho, ho --

Well, hello, there,
big fella!

How'd you like to give
a little somethin' to Santa?

[Grunting, groaning]

[Metal rattles]

♪♪

[Metal creaking]

[Ricky humming "Jingle Bells"]

[Fabric tearing]

[Vocalizing]

[Vocalizing stops]

[Pages turning]

[Humming]

[Humming stops]

Oh, ho!

[Receiver clicks, dial tone]

[Coins clinking]

[Humming]

[Clinking continues]

[Dialing]

[Laughs evilly]

[Dialing continues]

[Line ringing]

Mother Superior: Hello?

Merry Christmas.

Who is this?

Santa's back!

[Coins rattle]

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

[Dial tone]

♪♪

[Receiver clicks]

♪♪

[Children laugh]

♪♪

♪♪

Announcer: Merry Christmas!

Live from downtown, it's
the annual Christmas parade,

featuring a selection of the
city's number-one drill teams,

Shameful. marching bands
and cheerful floats

from all over the area.Sacrilegious.

Why, they've made a travesty
of the sacraments.

[Children laughing]

♪♪

["Silent Night"plays,
distorted]

♪♪

♪♪

Children should be in bed.

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Children scream]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

Mother Superior!

♪♪

I've got a present for you!

♪♪

[Grunts]
[Gasps]

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

Oh! There you are!

♪♪

That was close.

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

Let me in.

I wanna talk about...

old times.

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

Oh, good!

I love a chase!

And, hey, kids,
here comes Santa Claus!

He's gonna find out
who's been naughty or nice.

[Screams]

[Screaming, grunting]

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Laughs]

Ohh!

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughing]

♪♪

[Laughing continues]

♪♪

Gotcha!

[Screaming]

♪♪

I'm really mad now!

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts angrily]

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Richard?!

♪♪

Richard!

You come and face me!

♪♪

Richard,
I am not afraid of you!

You are weak,
just like your brother!

♪♪

And like your brother,
you must be punished!

[Door creaks]

♪♪

You're looking well.

♪♪

I am your Mother Superior!

As I raised you
from a child,

I order you to put
that weapon down

and take your punishment!

No more punishment.

♪♪

You are being
very, very naughty!

Naughty this!

♪♪

[Sirens wailing]

♪♪

[Ricky shouting in distance]

Officer:
You two, up the stairs!

♪♪

This way, Lieutenant.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Mother Superior?

Mother Superior,
it's Sister Mary.

Please, dear God.

Mother Superior,
are you all right?

[Screams]

♪♪

Boo!

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Shotgun cocks]

♪♪

Yeaaaaaah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

He's gone, Sister.

It's over.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

Okay, a few things here.

After Ricky kills
the psychiatrist,

why would the cops invite good
Sister Mary to the crime scene?

You know, she's the kindly nun
who tells us that,

unfortunately, Mother Superior
has had a stroke.

And apparently,
it's the kind of stroke

that creates massive boils
all over your face.

[Laughter]

So you can't tell that this
Mother Superior is different

from the Mother Superior
in the previous scene.

But before Ricky can go visit
the object of his vengeance,

he needs a Santa suit,

and so he kills
a Salvation Army Santa

played by cinematographer
Harvey Genkins.

He's the guy with his face
pressed up against the glass.

He has to step in because the
actor didn't show up that day

Harvey did all the camerawork

on "Silent Night,
Deadly Night 2,"

and he did a good job.

It's in focus.

I have to say, though,
in that final sequence,

the Mother Superior
puts up a hell of a fight

from her multiple wheelchairs.

And, of course,
they set it all up

for "Silent Night, Deadly Night"
3, 4 and 5.

All of which, oddly enough,

had much bigger-name actors
involved.

So, to sum up, the original
came out in November 1984,

was pulled out of theaters
due to massive protests,

the original studio sold
the distribution rights

to Aquarius Releasing.

They did a spring 1985
re-release.

Then LIVE Entertainment
released it on video in 1986.

The theatrical release of
the movie we just watched

was May 1987.

Audiences were underwhelmed,

which is why the next three
went straight to video.

Part 3, "Better Watch Out,"

was directed
by a pretty famous guy --

Monte Hellman
of "Two-Lane Blacktop" fame.

And it stars Bill Moseley
as Ricky,

who has a clear glass dome
on his head

making his brain visible.

And Robert Culp is in the movie
in a Dr. Loomis type of role.

That one came out
in Christmas 1989.

Part 4, "Initiation," was
produced by Richard Gladstein,

who would go on
to win Academy Awards,

but for this one,
he hired Brian Yuzna,

who said, "I didn't want do
the Christmas thing for Part 4,"

so Part 4 has nothing to do
with Christmas,

and, in fact, it's kind of
a "Blood Feast" idea.

Clint Howard
and his female coven --Darcy: Whoo!

Yeah! Darcy's a big
Clint Howard --

I'm a big Clint Howard fan,
too,

but you're obsessed
with Clint Howard.

I mean, he's amazing.

And Clint is obsessed
in the movie with resurrecting

Isis the Egyptian goddess
in that movie.

Maud Adams is actually
the cult leader.

With special effects by
Screaming Mad George,

the same guy
who did "Society."

That was released
at Christmas 1990,

even though it had nothing
to do with Christmas.

Part 5, "The Toy Maker,"

was produced by Yuzna
but not directed by him.

He hired Martin Kitrosser,
a first-time director,

to make a sort of weird
adaptation of "Pinocchio"

starring Mickey Rooney

as a drunken shop owner
named Joe Petto.

Get it? Joe Petto?I get it.

All right.

It's about android toys.

So, anyway, it's weird that
Mickey Rooney would star in it,

because when the first movie
came out in 1984,

Mickey Rooney said
it was disgusting and

"The scum who made that movie
should be run out of town."

And the reason he said that is
that Mickey had been Santa Claus

in "Rudolph and Frosty's
Christmas in July."

And who would dare
demean that classic? Okay.

The Mickey Rooney movie
came out in 1991

and put the franchise
out of its misery.

Oh, I forgot -- but the remake.

The remake directed
by Steven Miller in 2012.

No relation to the original
at all.

Did you see the remake?

I did.
And you loved it?

[Laughs] No, I didn't.

I don't always
like the remake better.

Okay. Thank God.
'Cause I --

All right.
Are you ready for action?

You told me that you've solved
the nudity problem

with a very festive bra
that you --

Oh.
Is that a bra?

Yeah. I mean...

[Laughter]

Does this make you happy?
Is this good, Shudder?

I don't know how you're gonna
put that on, but yeah.

We're gonna make it work.

I expect
that will make me happy.

[Laughter]All right.

Is this the lamest
Christmas special

in the history
of Joe Bob Christmas specials?

Oh, no!
You've had way worse.

[Laughter]

Well, nobody showed up
for this one. That's for sure.

We invited 30 people.
Nobody came.

I'mhere.

Well, yeah, but you haveto be
here, so that doesn't count.

I'm here
'cause I want to be here.

And Yuki's here
and Austin

and Jordan
and the whole crew.

Yeah, I know.
We're all here.

[Laughter]

I wish you could see
all the tweets and the e-mails

and just the love
that's pouring in for you

from the whole "Last Drive-In"
family all around the world.

Our friends are here.

You know, one reason why people
tell sad stories on Christmas

is because the Christmas story
itself is a sad story.

Mary is pregnant, can't find
a place to have her baby,

has to go to a stable.

You know?

Three strangers show up.

Arabs, you know?

Joseph is freaking out
'cause he doesn't know

how Mary got pregnant
in the first place.

So that's a weird story,
right?

But the ending is happy.

Yeah, and that's why Christmas
is all about making people

feel like they belong
when they don't belong.

Okay, so,
here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna tell
a sad Christmas story,

and then youhave to tell
a sad Christmas story, okay?

I guess so.

All right.

All right, here's my story.

All right.

Not too many years ago,
around Christmastime,

when I was knocking
around New York City,

trying to find jobs
during a recession,

I was flat broke.

I've been flat broke
several times in my life.

And so when you're flat broke,
you take the bus a lot.

And to take the bus
in New York City,

you have to have this thing
called a MetroCard,

which -- they will not
sell you one on the bus.

You have to go to a train
station to get one.

And you put money
on the MetroCard,

and then every time
you take the bus,

a little machine by the driver
takes the money off

and says
"Okay, this guy can ride."

And one more setup
for this story.

When I'm not wearing my bolo tie

or my hat or my boots
or, you know,

it is very, very rare

for anybody in New York
to recognize me --

mostly because, let's face it,
my audience was never that big.

I was off the air for 17 years.

So, especially in New York City,
I just don't get recognized.

People think
you're Norm Macdonald.

Yeah, I know!
I know. What is that?

You know, they say,
"Norm Macdonald. Hey, Norm."

You know?

[Laughter]

So, one day on Sixth Avenue,
I walk on to the bus,

and it's a very crowded bus,

and so I walk
into the back door,

and when you walk
into the back door,

you're supposed to fight your
way up to the front of the bus

and stick your card
in the thingy, right?

And so as soon as I step
on the bus, I reach for my card,

and I remember, "Oh.
There's no money on it."

And not only that,
I didn't even have the 20 bucks

to put on there anyway,

you know,
to fill the stupid bus card.

And so I think, "Well, I got to
get uptown for this meeting,

'cause I have no choice.

I need a job.

I was going to a lunch

with the editors
of The Wall Street Journal.

[Laughs]

'Cause there was a possibility
of doing some writing

for the entertainment section
of The Wall Street Journal.

And so I think,

"Well,
I'll just sort of blend in

to the crowd
at the back of the bus,

and maybe the driver
won't notice."

So the bus goes one block,
and the driver yells,

"Hey! You! Big guy!"

[Laughing] And I realize
that he's caught me.

And he says,
"Pay up or get off!"

And everybody on the bus turns
around, and they look at me.

There's like 50 people.
This is a crowded bus.

There's like 50 people
staring at "the big guy."

So, right at that moment,

this guy in some kind
of horror shirt --

he had a black T-shirt,
and I don't remember the movie,

but he had a horror shirt on --

and he says, "Hey, man,"
you know, "I'll pay your fare."

But, first of all, there's no
way for him to pay the fare

'cause you got to have
a MetroCard,

but I guess he was
gonna use hisMetroCard.

But I was too humiliated
at that point, you know, like,

to follow him up to the front
and him pay the fare,

and so I got off the bus,

and he was kind of trying
to follow me, you know,

'cause he felt so sorry for me

and kept saying
he'd pay the bus fare.

And so my first thought was,
"Well, this is the bottom

The good thing about this is

I cannot go
any lower than this."

I'm getting kicked off the bus
in Lower Manhattan,

not being able
to get to my meeting.

But here's what makes it
a Christmas story.

I like to think that that guy
was a horror fan

who had seen one of my shows.

I'm not sure he was,
but he had a horror shirt,

and he was really, really trying
to pay my fare,

when everybody else was trying
to run away from me,

which makes it
all the more embarrassing

because then
you're like Burt Ward, right?

"Oh, I saw Burt Ward.

He used to be Robin."

Burt Ward is awesome!

Okay, well, Iknow
Burt Ward is awesome,

and youknow he's awesome,
but people are mean.

So, what I realized
that day --

This is the real Christmas
part of the story.

I know my stories
are too long.No.

I thought, "Those fans
will always be there.

The film family
will always find me."

And that turned out to be true,
'cause none of those

Wall Street Journalguys
are even there anymore.

And who got me back
in the hosting chair?

The fans.

We did the marathon,
the fans showed up.

That's why we have
to take care of the fans,

'cause they never go away.

Everybody else goes away.

So you're right --
everybody who's tweeting us,

those are the real guests
at the party.

That's my story.

That was
an amazing story.

But next time, if that ever
happens again, call me.

I got your back.

You're never gonna not be able
to ride the bus again.

You can't fill my bus card
from L.A., but thank you.

All right, your turn.

Oh, man. Okay.

Um...

A few years ago, I was living
in crappy motel rooms

with my small son,

and we weren't allowed
to leave the room at any time.

What do you mea you weren't
allowed to leave the room?

We were kind of, like,
prisoners in the room.

There was, like, tape
on the door

so you could tell
if we went --

to make sure
we didn't leave.

For how long?

Like, years.

What?

Yeah, probably like...

Wait a minute. You're actually
imprisoned in a motel?

Well, different ones,
but yeah.

Oh, okay,
in a series of motels.

And you're taking care
of your kid in that environment?

Yes.

And he's
a special-needs kid.

Can we say he's autistic,
or will that embarrass him?

Okay. 'Cause he actually
helps the show.

I've had dealings
with Alex.

He helps us with research
on "The Last Drive-In."

He's amazing.

He's the guy who,
when you went to Italy,

he identified
Luigi Cozzi on sight.

Yes.
Who does that?

Who can identify
Luigi Cozzi on sight?

Your son can.

He's actually the person
who came up with the title

"Halloween Hootenanny."

Yes!
He's so proud of that.

[Laughing] Okay.
So, all right, go ahead.

Sorry.
No, please.

All right.
Okay.

So, yeah, so, Halloween always
gives me strength

and makes me think
I can do things,

and for me,
I consider the holiday season

from Halloween
all the way to Christmas.

Okay.

So one year,
I got the strength

to, like, escape
from my abusive husband

and take my son
out of that environment.

But then my husband kidnapped
my kid for, like, over a year,

and I had to search for him,
and the police wouldn't help.

And I finally found him
and brought him back.

Yay.

Darcy, this is
a Lifetime movie already.

This is like a four-hour
Lifetime movie already.

You know? Okay.

But I'm not
at the Christmas part yet.

Okay. All right.
Okay.

So, now I'm like,

I got a kid and me, like, alone
for the first time.

I have to keep food
in the house, pay rent,

pay for all his
special-needs stuff,

and it was completely scary
to be in charge.

And I started working
at this really crappy job

at a sock factory.

A sock factory?
Yeah.

Where they make socks?
Yeah.

Like, in the...

They made socks.
It's a sock factory.

And it didn't make --

it was not enough money
to take care of us,

so I went
to apply for welfare.

Where are you?

In South Carolina.
Okay.

So, I was standing in
the welfare line,

and it dawned on me
that the thing

I should actually be doing
was go become a stripper.

[Laughs]

I'd kind of always
thought of doing it before,

but my family --
it's, like, a sin and terrible

and "You'll be a terrible mom
if you do that."

And I was a scaredy-cat anyway
about, like, everything,

so I didn't even think
I could do it if I tried.

So, I started working
at this nekkid car-wash place,

just to get used to taking off
my clothes in front of people,

and --
Wait a minute.

Like "Bikini Car Wash,"
the movie?

Yeah, but, like...
nekkid.

[Laughs]
Naked car wash.

Oh, it wasn't just bikinis?
You were really --

Well, it depends
on how much you paid. [Laughs]

Really?
Yeah.

And they would actually
get really mad.

Like, they'd want you to,
like, detail their --

They'd get really mad about
the quality of your car wash.

[Laughing] Really?"That's not the point."

[Laughs]

Anyway...

Was that a good job?

I mean, it was way better
than the sock factory, but...

It was attached
to the strip club,

so at night,
it was a strip club,

so you could go
around the corner and see it,

and I'd, like, peek around
at the stages and be like,

"Maybe one day."

[Laughs]
Yeah?

And then,
at the holidays,

car wash work
wasn't so busy.

I got the courage
to actually go into the club

and dance
for the first time,

And it was crazy.

Like, I made more money
than I'd ever seen in my life,

And I brought home
this, like, mountain of cash

and, like,
put it on the bed

and showed it to my son,
and we just...

I was like, "Look at this.

We are okay now, and we're never
gonna have to worry again."

And he was
just so adorable.

He, like, started
rolling around in the money

like Scrooge McDuck style,
like "Yeah!"

And so, we both did that,
and anyway, we were happy.

And so the next day,
I started dancing full time,

and we ended up having
the best Christmas ever

because we were free
and not stressed out anymore.

That is
a great Christmas story.

And so, you and Alex
rolled around in the money?

He started it,
but, you know...

[Laughs]

He was all about it.

That's a very good
Christmas story.

So, actually, I'm going back
to that same club

for just one night

to do a featured dancer thing
in the spring.

It's, like, a fundraiser.

So, all the money
that we make

goes to organizations
that help young dancers.

You're going back to the same
club where you first --

My very first strip club
that I ever worked at,

we're gonna do
a fundraiser there.

And you're
the featured dancer?

Yeah.

I know that charity
that you're talking about.

You do?
Yeah.

Yeah, it's an amazing charity,
and they do great work.

So, youhave to come.

You want me
to come to that?

Yeah, you are
requiredto come.

Okay, done. How can I refuse?
It's Christmas.

Are you ready to be impaled
on reindeer antlers?

Never been readier.

Okay, John Brennan,
do you have any music

to create
a creepy atmosphere

so that Darcy can go to the door
and check on her cat,

unaware that a deranged
Santa Claus is on her porch?

John: I have a two-hour mixtape
with that theme.

[Laughing]
Okay, great.

[Laughs]

Let's do it!
Come on!

Yay! Let's go!

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Growls]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Squish]

♪♪

Wow. That felt good.

[Laughter]

Which is so wrong.

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

Thank you for spending
your Christmas with us.

I'm not sad anymore, you know?

John, do you have something
you can play that's happy?

I feel like we should gather
around the bloody antlers

and the late Darcy
and sing a carol.

John: All right!

[Click]

♪♪

♪ I don't want to celebrate
the holidays ♪

♪ Because every year,
it's all the same ♪

♪ The parties are bad,
and that's the truth ♪

♪ Your Grandma Ruth
only has one tooth ♪

♪ Your Uncle Bob
is a great big slob ♪

♪ And your Aunt Lorraine,
she's a major pain ♪

♪ The food is stale,
and the drinks are weak ♪

♪ Below the mistletoe,
I see a lecherous freak ♪

♪ Forget about holiday cheer ♪

♪ Joe Bob's drinking
some Lone Star Beer ♪

♪ Fire up the VCR ♪

♪ And host a movie marathon ♪

♪ On this merry red Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather be alone,
unplug my rotary phone ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Turn off the schmaltzy music ♪

♪ We'll all do
a lot less puking ♪

♪ Merry red -- ♪

Naughty!

♪♪

Punish!

♪♪

♪ All the malls
are packed to the brim ♪

♪ And "Deck the Halls"
gets under my skin ♪

♪ Hell on Earth is a SantaCon ♪

♪ Happy days are now woebegone ♪

♪ There;s too much fightin'
and there's too much fuss ♪

♪ Corporate greed
replaced baby Jesus ♪

♪ So, like Macaulay,
I'll be home alone ♪

♪ This Christmas goose
has been picked to the bone ♪

♪ Forget about holiday cheer ♪

♪ Joe Bob's drinking
some Lone Star Beer ♪

♪ Fire up the VCR ♪

♪ And host a movie marathon ♪

♪ On this merry red Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather be alone,
unplug my rotary phone ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Turn off the schmaltzy music ♪

♪ We'll all do
a lot less puking ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Forget your roasted turkey ♪

♪ I'll stuff my face
with beef jerky ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Shut down the Polar Express ♪

♪ And I'll bet you'll be
a lot less depressed ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪