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1
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:10,300
(quack)
2
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,167
MAN:
Salt Lake City,
you're on the air.
3
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,167
Hey, Larry, I have a question
for the monsignor.
4
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:19,734
In all of your
ecumenical studies,
5
00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:22,567
have you ever wondered about
Howard Stern and Babba Booie?!
6
00:00:22,601 --> 00:00:23,834
Babba Booie! Babba Booie!
7
00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:27,634
God, I need a vacation.
8
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:29,167
Here at last!
9
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,534
Here at last!
10
00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:32,234
Good God almighty,
11
00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:34,000
it's here at last!
12
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:35,200
Happy birthday, Duckman.
13
00:00:35,234 --> 00:00:36,200
Thanks, Corny.
14
00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:37,567
You call the bomb squad?
15
00:00:37,601 --> 00:00:39,067
Actually, this one's from me.
16
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,400
Go ahead, open it.
17
00:00:40,434 --> 00:00:41,734
Well, geez,
Pigmalion,
18
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:43,501
don't you think I'd
better wait for my...
19
00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:46,033
surprise party tonight?
20
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:47,634
(boinging)
21
00:00:47,667 --> 00:00:50,300
I've just had
the horribly sickening feeling
22
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:51,801
that you're not joking.
23
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:52,801
Hoo-hoo-hee!
24
00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:54,901
Traci Lords better
watch her back
25
00:00:54,934 --> 00:00:57,267
with award-winning
performances like that.
26
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,567
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
27
00:00:58,601 --> 00:01:01,000
Well, you can deep-six
the thesping, Brother Cornelias.
28
00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:02,667
All week long,
Bernice and the boys
29
00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:04,534
have been whispering
about something.
30
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:06,033
That can only mean one thing:
31
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,100
Paaarrrr-ttttyyyy!
32
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,067
Duckman, every year
you convince yourself
33
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,868
you'll have
a surprise birthday party,
34
00:01:11,901 --> 00:01:14,501
and every year you spend
the rest of the week tortured,
35
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:17,267
bedridden and suffering bouts
of hysterical blindness.
36
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:20,167
(sighing):
Fine. Go back to your acting,
37
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,167
Sir Lawrence O-Pig-ee-ay.
38
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,767
(growling)
39
00:01:23,801 --> 00:01:25,767
(sing-song fashion):
Oh, Fluffy...
40
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,367
and his or her
long-time companion...
41
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,434
You rang, Mr. Duckman?
42
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,601
Uh, yes.
At my surprise party tonight,
43
00:01:34,634 --> 00:01:38,000
will all the Mandrell sisters
be there?
44
00:01:38,033 --> 00:01:39,300
(boinging)
45
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:42,634
We've just had
the horribly sickening feeling
46
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,968
that you're not joking.
47
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:45,968
(laughs)
48
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,901
Aw, heck, why wait for the party
49
00:01:47,934 --> 00:01:49,334
for the games to begin?
50
00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:51,000
Bobbing for apples, anyone?
51
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:52,267
Yay!
Yay!
52
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:54,234
(gurgling)
53
00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:56,868
Duckman, by all that is holy,
please tell me those apples
54
00:01:56,901 --> 00:01:58,868
were broken
hypodermic needle-free.
55
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:01,367
Some questions are better left
unanswered, Cornmuffin.
56
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,968
(screaming)
57
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,267
(tires screeching)
58
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,534
(troops marching)
59
00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:07,601
(Fluffy and Uranus screaming)
60
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:09,434
(airplane firing machine gun)
61
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:10,667
(bullets thudding)
62
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:11,667
(screaming)
63
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:12,734
(weapons firing)
64
00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:14,467
Now then, where were we?
65
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:18,000
Ah, yes-- the celebration
of all that is Duckman.
66
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:19,300
Um, maybe we should
67
00:02:19,334 --> 00:02:21,234
just open my
present instead.
68
00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:23,467
Okay, but this better be good.
69
00:02:27,367 --> 00:02:30,334
* For Duckman's
a jolly good fellow *
70
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:34,033
* Which nobody can deny.
71
00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:37,634
It's a hologram.
72
00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:39,300
I made it myself.
73
00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:40,901
Original construction began
74
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:42,601
during my
eighth-grade summer
75
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:45,167
when all of the other
boys were out playing.
76
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,667
Corny, I'll
treasure it always.
77
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,868
Really I will.
78
00:02:50,634 --> 00:02:52,534
(electrical crackling)
79
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:57,300
(scatting)
80
00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:58,701
Well, I'm home.
81
00:02:58,734 --> 00:03:02,901
Ready for a quiet evening
of warm milk and Bible study.
82
00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:11,834
Surprise. Fun. Whee.
83
00:03:11,868 --> 00:03:13,234
Can I go home now?
84
00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:14,467
Where is...?
85
00:03:14,501 --> 00:03:15,901
Oh, I get it.
86
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:18,701
A surprise on a surprise!
87
00:03:18,734 --> 00:03:21,701
Come out, come out,
wherever you are!
88
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:23,634
(crickets chirping)
89
00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:26,167
Wh-where
is everybody?
90
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,367
They've all been stricken
with mad cow disease!
91
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,868
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, viewers:
92
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:32,801
This joke was written
in spring 1996.
93
00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:34,734
(yelling)
94
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,133
There never was
a surprise party, Duckman.
95
00:03:39,167 --> 00:03:41,400
I ran around town
buying food and party favors
96
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:42,901
and inviting all your friends.
97
00:03:42,934 --> 00:03:44,434
When threatened with litigation
98
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:47,067
if I actually referred
to any of them as your friends,
99
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:49,601
I spent the rest of the day
making balloon animals.
100
00:03:49,634 --> 00:03:52,234
Want to see a wildebeest?
101
00:03:52,267 --> 00:03:54,334
How could this have happened?
102
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:57,467
In short, you're cynical,
self-serving, contemptuous,
103
00:03:57,501 --> 00:04:00,667
nihilistic, diabolical, miserly,
spineless, phlegmatic,
104
00:04:00,701 --> 00:04:03,501
cold-blooded, weak-willed,
avaricious, smelly...
105
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,667
I thought you said,
"In short"?
106
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:08,534
Sorry, that's the most fun
I've had all evening.
107
00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:09,901
It's okay, Cornfed.
108
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:12,200
You can always judge a man
by his friends
109
00:04:12,234 --> 00:04:14,400
and since I have none,
I am nothing.
110
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:15,901
(sighing)
111
00:04:15,934 --> 00:04:17,634
Duckman, I know that underneath
112
00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:20,467
your terminally abrasive
exterior lies a good side,
113
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:23,133
but perhaps the reason
you don't have many friends
114
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:26,234
is because sometimes... you
forget how to be one yourself.
115
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,701
Can this be true?
116
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:30,601
Could I, Duckman, have
squandered an entire lifetime
117
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:33,334
by being self-centered,
selfish, self-serving
118
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:34,834
and self-something-else?
119
00:04:34,868 --> 00:04:36,801
Good heavens, this must change.
120
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:40,400
From now on, I vow--
as the world is my witness--
121
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:42,567
a clean slate, a fresh start.
122
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:44,767
I will summon
all my strengths,
123
00:04:44,801 --> 00:04:46,501
channel all my energies,
124
00:04:46,534 --> 00:04:50,133
and become the very best friend
humanly possible,
125
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:51,901
so help me God!
126
00:04:51,934 --> 00:04:52,901
Oh, Duckman...
127
00:04:52,934 --> 00:04:54,133
Eh-eh-eh.
No offense, Cornbelt,
128
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:55,734
but if it really is
going to be a fresh start,
129
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:58,367
it'll have to be with people who
have no idea how scummy I am.
130
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,334
Toodles.
131
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:08,300
*
132
00:05:24,934 --> 00:05:26,868
*
133
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,634
(yelling):
Ow! My eye!
134
00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:54,634
(siren)
135
00:06:02,567 --> 00:06:05,000
I've tried everywhere,
solicited everyone
136
00:06:05,033 --> 00:06:06,767
and I still
can't find a friend.
137
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,767
I'm afraid there's only
one thing left to do--
138
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:11,901
get my IQ And blood/alcohol
to the same level.
139
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:23,501
Barkeep, give me
the strongest thing you've got.
140
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:27,767
(screaming)
141
00:06:30,033 --> 00:06:32,801
(groaning)
142
00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:35,334
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh!
143
00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:38,033
(TV-style laugh-track)
144
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:40,033
I haven't heard
screaming like that
145
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,267
since my cousin Moishe
told Aunt Sophie
146
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:43,567
he hated her kreplach.
147
00:06:43,601 --> 00:06:45,033
(canned laughter)
148
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:49,434
Will you jam your jive jawin'
'fore I go upside your head.
149
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,901
We gotta help
this poor, poor man.
150
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:56,033
Uh, "man"? He looks
more like a duck to me.
151
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:58,534
He's going to be a dead duck
if we don't do something.
152
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,634
Come on, gang.
153
00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:05,000
First, I can't make any friends,
154
00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:07,100
then I scorch
the inside of my esophagus.
155
00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:11,133
Vengeful God,
why must you mock me so?!
156
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:12,934
Maybe it's too late
to do anything
157
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:14,501
about your internal injuries,
158
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:17,167
but we can always help
with the friendship part.
159
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,501
Uh, yeah.
160
00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:20,133
It's the least
us hot-looking
161
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:22,701
but nonthreatening
twentysomethings can do.
162
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:23,701
You mean...?
163
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:26,100
That's right,
Mr. Duck-- er, man.
164
00:07:26,133 --> 00:07:28,467
Welcome to The Gang!
165
00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:33,167
(recorded audience sighing
and applause)
166
00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:43,033
( Friends-style theme playing)
167
00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:44,934
* Whenever there's no sunshine *
168
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:48,000
* Whenever there's no hope *
169
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:49,167
(four rapid claps)
170
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,567
* If you get stuck,
we'll tow you *
171
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,868
* We'll even buy the rope *
172
00:07:53,901 --> 00:07:59,033
* Life can be so pretty
if you try *
173
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:01,868
* And with your gang
to be there *
174
00:08:01,901 --> 00:08:04,400
* You know that we'll get by *
175
00:08:04,434 --> 00:08:08,467
* Oh, we'll be friends
to the end, to the end *
176
00:08:08,501 --> 00:08:09,634
* To the end *
177
00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:11,400
* We'll be good friends *
178
00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:13,334
* Just like Friends *
179
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:15,801
* Friends, friends, friends
180
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:18,501
* Sha-la-la-la.
181
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:24,400
DITZI:
So this really cute guycame up to me on the subway
182
00:08:24,434 --> 00:08:25,834
and asked if I was a model.
183
00:08:25,868 --> 00:08:28,200
I wanted him to like me,
so I told him I was
184
00:08:28,234 --> 00:08:30,267
and now we've got
this date tomorrow
185
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,667
and I'm afraid to admit
186
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:34,400
that I'm just some waitress
at a coffeehouse.
187
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:36,734
Oh, you guys,
I don't know what to do.
188
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:39,267
Uh, the same thing
happened to me once.
189
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,734
Really? What did you do?
190
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:43,434
Uh, what?
191
00:08:43,467 --> 00:08:47,033
(canned laughter)
192
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,267
Come on, you guys,
this is serious.
193
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:50,400
Listen, Ditzi,
194
00:08:50,434 --> 00:08:52,968
all you got to do
is apologize for lying
195
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,834
then tell this dude
the truth.
196
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,334
And be proud of it, too,
197
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:59,734
'cause you're not just some
"waitress at a coffeehouse."
198
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,501
You happen to be our friend.
199
00:09:01,534 --> 00:09:05,501
AUDIENCE:
Aw...
200
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:10,400
Oh, Duckman, these past few days
with you have been so great.
201
00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:13,133
I... I don't know
what I'd do without you.
202
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:16,000
And I don't know what I'd
do without you, Ditzi.
203
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,734
In fact, I can't
imagine life
204
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,300
without any of you
colorful composites.
205
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:21,901
Sassy, your lust
for life
206
00:09:21,934 --> 00:09:24,367
and willingness
to tell it like it is.
207
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,667
You go, Duck!
208
00:09:26,701 --> 00:09:31,767
Bobby, your engaging simplicity,
always good for a few laughs.
209
00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:33,501
Uh, what?
210
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:39,033
(audience laughs and applauds)
211
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:42,467
Pete Meiser, with that
neurotic Semitic wit
212
00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,801
and that lovable
hangdog expression.
213
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,734
Hangdog?
Who am I, Rin Tin Tin?
214
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:49,968
Next thing you know,
you'll be getting me neutered.
215
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,434
(audience laughs)
216
00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:53,067
AUDIENCE:
Aw...
217
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:56,334
And finally, Marion,
our unofficial leader.
218
00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:59,334
Who'd have thought
androgyny could be so...
219
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:00,701
so Middle American?
220
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:03,801
Um, I-I'm really, you know,
uncomfortable t-talking
221
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:06,000
about, you know,
what some people call
222
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:08,434
my sex-sex-sexuality.
223
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:09,567
Cheese ball?
224
00:10:09,601 --> 00:10:10,601
(audience laughing)
225
00:10:10,634 --> 00:10:13,067
(Duckman laughing)
226
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,133
(sighs):
Yeah, I got to say,
227
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:19,968
you people are the best friends
I've ever, ever, ever had.
228
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,400
(applause)
229
00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:26,501
(clock ticking)
230
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,067
Sigh.
231
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,734
(door opens)
232
00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:32,734
(dial tone)
233
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:34,067
What's that,
Jean-Claude?
234
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,400
A karate chopping
free-for-all
in Brussels?
235
00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:37,400
Gee, I don't know.
236
00:10:37,434 --> 00:10:38,634
Hundreds of other friends
237
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,934
want me to do neat things
with them, too. I...
238
00:10:40,968 --> 00:10:42,267
(loud beeping)
239
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,634
Um, that was just another one
of my friends calling.
240
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:46,300
Nothing to get jealous about.
241
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,200
Uh, Cornfed, right?
242
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:51,234
Yes.
243
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,300
Haven't seen much of you lately.
244
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:56,367
Hey, hanging out with The Gang's
a full-time job.
245
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,234
Oh, those guys...
246
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,601
But lookie what I've got...
247
00:11:01,634 --> 00:11:04,000
ringside seats for tonight's
"Foxy Boxing" title bout.
248
00:11:04,033 --> 00:11:06,033
If we're lucky,
we may be sweated upon.
249
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:07,367
Maybe even catch a tooth.
250
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,767
Female fisticuffs?
251
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:12,300
Cornfed, I happen
to have friends who are women.
252
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,334
I... I'm sorry, Duckman.
253
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:16,234
It's just that you haven't
been around lately
254
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,701
and, well, to be honest,
you really mean a lot to me
255
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:19,701
and I miss you...
256
00:11:19,734 --> 00:11:22,167
(laughing hysterically)
257
00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:27,200
I almost forgot
to tell you.
258
00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:29,167
We were sitting around
the other day
259
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,734
discussing relationships...
260
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:31,868
natch... and, uh,
261
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:33,968
Pete came out with
the funniest thing.
262
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,667
He's dating this
fashion model
263
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,267
who doesn't know
he's Jewish.
264
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,300
So he says to her,
265
00:11:38,334 --> 00:11:40,300
he says, "Do you
want a boyfriend
266
00:11:40,334 --> 00:11:41,300
or a goyfriend?"
267
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,300
You get it?
268
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,267
A goyfriend!
269
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:50,868
Wow!
270
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:53,634
That's some kind of funny,
all right.
271
00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:56,267
Well, I wish I could stay
and entertain you longer,
272
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,067
but it's time for us to
meet at the coffeehouse
273
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:00,033
to make obscure
pop-culture references.
274
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,167
Pop-culture references?
275
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,767
I make those all the time.
276
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:06,467
Fabio. The clapper. Mr. Pibb.
Eddie Vedder. Urkel.
277
00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:15,067
Well, gang, here I... am.
278
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:18,667
Hot pockets. Fanny Farmer.
MTV's House of Style.
279
00:12:18,701 --> 00:12:19,734
Spray-on hair.
280
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:21,400
It's not the same!
281
00:12:21,434 --> 00:12:23,334
Where could The Gang
have gone?
282
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:25,067
I know, they're probably
283
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,400
at Marion's spacious
bohemian loft.
284
00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:29,667
Need some company?
285
00:12:29,701 --> 00:12:32,400
Well, actually,
there's something
286
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:34,067
I wanted to talk
to you about, Corndog.
287
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:37,000
You know, I... I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately...
288
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,300
I mean, you're really
a nice guy and all,
289
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:40,601
it's just that...
290
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:43,634
well, I think we should stop
seeing each other for a while.
291
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:44,801
Excuse me?
292
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,667
Don't make this any harder
than it already is.
293
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:49,067
Let's face it,
I've changed, you've changed.
294
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:50,100
I haven't changed.
295
00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:52,133
The point is,
I want to move on.
296
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,100
This is all about them,
isn't it?
297
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,300
Your precious Gang.
298
00:12:55,334 --> 00:12:56,300
Don't be ridic...
299
00:12:56,334 --> 00:12:57,567
Wait. No, you're right.
300
00:12:57,601 --> 00:12:58,767
It is all about them.
301
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:00,133
(chuckles):
But so what?
302
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:01,968
They're young,
attractive, popular.
303
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,534
You-- you don't even have
a haircut named after you.
304
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,367
Actually,
there's a tribe in the Aleutians
305
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,701
that sport "the Cornfed."
306
00:13:07,734 --> 00:13:09,000
It's a slick-back number
307
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:10,734
with little mukluks
where the ears would be.
308
00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:12,033
Shut up!
309
00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:13,400
(glass breaking)
310
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,133
Good-bye, Duckman,
311
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:19,434
and good luck
with your new life.
312
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,167
But don't you find it a bit odd
that The Gang's disappeared?
313
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,167
What are you talking about?
314
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,400
Not to alarm you,
315
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:26,734
but you do have a tendency
to scare people off.
316
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,167
This time it's different.
317
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,801
This time, I've tried
really hard to become
318
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:31,934
a great, caring friend
just like you said I should.
319
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:34,267
This time I've changed.
320
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,868
Marion! Ditzi! Gang!
321
00:13:36,901 --> 00:13:40,767
Open up! Please?!
322
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:44,501
(sobbing):
They've deserted me.
323
00:13:44,534 --> 00:13:47,434
I guess it wouldn't be
the first time
324
00:13:47,467 --> 00:13:49,801
a group of people faked
their own deaths
325
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,734
and moved to Tibet
to escape you.
326
00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:52,934
God, I miss Menudo.
327
00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:55,200
Surprise!
328
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:56,567
Ha!
Oy.
329
00:13:56,601 --> 00:13:59,601
So, what are you waiting for,
belated-birthday boy?
330
00:13:59,634 --> 00:14:01,601
Uh, what?
331
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:02,968
(audience cheering
and applauding)
332
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,434
MAN:
Bobby, we love you!
333
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:08,734
(emotionally):
You people are
so very precious.
334
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:11,767
(applause)
335
00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:14,234
I don't believe it.
336
00:14:14,267 --> 00:14:17,300
Duckman really does have...
friends.
337
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:18,701
(door creaks)
338
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,033
AUDIENCE:
Aw...
339
00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:25,634
Okay, D-man,
your desperately tight grip
340
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,734
is severely cutting off
our circulation.
341
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,367
Yeah, sugar.
342
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:33,067
You, uh, can
let us go now.
343
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,734
I'll never let you guys go.
344
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:36,501
In fact, I'm going to have us
345
00:14:36,534 --> 00:14:39,067
all surgically grafted together
at the pelvis.
346
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:42,334
(laugh track)
347
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:43,501
No, I'm serious.
348
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,267
I know this doctor in Uruguay.
349
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,300
(audience gasps)
350
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:51,767
(all grunting in exertion)
351
00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:56,734
I cannot express to you
in mere words
352
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:58,968
how grateful I am.
353
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:01,534
Thank you.
354
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:06,200
(extremely long kissing noise)
355
00:15:06,234 --> 00:15:09,267
(moaning pitifully)
356
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:11,868
Oh, dear.
357
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:13,701
I guess
being kissed by a man
358
00:15:13,734 --> 00:15:16,234
was too much
for the poor little thing.
359
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,067
God, I hate
being so virile.
360
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,567
Uh... more likely
361
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:22,000
you just sucked
all the blood out of her head.
362
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,501
(laugh track)
363
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:25,767
Bobby... you don't have
to make excuses
364
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:28,033
about Marion's
questionable sexuality.
365
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:30,501
You're a studly guy
who never fools around
366
00:15:30,534 --> 00:15:32,434
with any of the
girls in The Gang
367
00:15:32,467 --> 00:15:35,167
and we've never made fun
of your homosexuality.
368
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,501
Uh... I'm not gay.
369
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:38,267
Bobby, bubbe,
hey, come on.
370
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,067
It's me, Duckman,
remember?
371
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,100
Heck, I've experimented
a few times myself--
372
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:44,901
in Scouts, in college,
373
00:15:44,934 --> 00:15:47,334
during my six-year stint
in the Greek navy.
374
00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:49,367
I'm not gay!
I'm not! I'm not!
375
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,033
(screaming)
376
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:54,067
What did you say to
get him all crazy?
377
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:56,000
Ah, we were just,
you know, relating
378
00:15:56,033 --> 00:15:57,501
like good friends
often do.
379
00:15:57,534 --> 00:15:58,834
Speaking of which,
380
00:15:58,868 --> 00:16:00,934
shalom aleichem, sweet
soul sister Sassy.
381
00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:03,334
My home girl,
my home style,
my Home Depot.
382
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:07,400
What's up with yo bad, bad,
bad Leroy Brown self, G-spot?
383
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,734
Oh, hell no!
384
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:10,067
I cannot believe
385
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,067
that you just
said what you said.
386
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,868
The hell
with all y'all.
387
00:16:13,901 --> 00:16:15,834
Go fight the power, mama.
388
00:16:15,868 --> 00:16:19,200
Say, what are my two compadres
talking about?
389
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:22,167
Wait. Let me guess--
relationships.
390
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,033
Yeah, there's no greater feeling
than falling in love...
391
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,300
except maybe when
an infection clears up
392
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,234
or a canker sore
finally heals.
393
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:30,567
(gasps)
394
00:16:30,601 --> 00:16:32,400
(gagging)
395
00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:33,400
(sighs)
396
00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:34,968
It feels so good to share.
397
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,667
Geez, Duck-guy,
398
00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:40,334
you're not exactly
secretary-general of
the decorum department.
399
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,834
(laugh track)
400
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:44,434
Oh, you're such a Jew!
401
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:48,868
God, I love trading witticisms
with you, Petey boy.
402
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,400
You know,
thinking I lost you guys
403
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,300
was the scariest thing
that ever happened to me.
404
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:53,901
So, first thing
tomorrow morning,
405
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:56,067
I'm a-moving in!
406
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,701
(stammering):
Wh-wh-what? Excuse me?
407
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:01,200
That's right. From now on,
I'll be right here,
408
00:17:01,234 --> 00:17:02,968
hugging you,
trading quips with you,
409
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,767
sharing my each
and every thought and feeling,
410
00:17:04,801 --> 00:17:06,767
no matter
how insignificant or trivial.
411
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:09,234
Yes, I'll be there for you
412
00:17:09,267 --> 00:17:11,701
and I'll never, ever, ever
let you go.
413
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:14,334
* Whenever
there's no sunshine... *
414
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,501
(scatting)
415
00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:19,400
I-I-I don't know
about you guys,
416
00:17:19,434 --> 00:17:22,601
but this Duckman isn't working
out as well as I had hoped.
417
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,100
We can ask him...
418
00:17:24,133 --> 00:17:25,667
no, beg him to leave.
419
00:17:25,701 --> 00:17:27,200
But I don't think we'd ever
420
00:17:27,234 --> 00:17:29,033
really get him
out of our lives.
421
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,200
Uh, so what
are we going to do?
422
00:17:31,234 --> 00:17:33,234
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know, I know!
423
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:34,901
(laugh track)
424
00:17:34,934 --> 00:17:37,000
Let's kill him.
425
00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:38,968
(audience applauds)
426
00:17:40,868 --> 00:17:42,667
(toilet flushing)
427
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,901
(laughing)
428
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:47,567
Hey, how come
nobody's laughing?
429
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:53,300
(theme music playing)
430
00:17:53,334 --> 00:17:55,334
* Whenever there's no sunshine *
431
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:58,167
* Whenever there's no hope *
432
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,801
(four fast claps)
433
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:02,000
* If you get stuck,
we'll tow you *
434
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:04,334
* We'll even buy the rope *
435
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:09,200
* Life can be so pretty
if you try *
436
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,534
* And with your gang
to be there *
437
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:14,934
* You know that we'll get by *
438
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,901
* Oh, we'll be friends
to the end, to the end *
439
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:19,901
* To the end *
440
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:21,901
* We'll be good friends *
441
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,501
* It's just like Friends *
442
00:18:23,534 --> 00:18:26,300
* Friends, friends, friends
443
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:28,200
* Sha-la-la-la.
444
00:18:28,234 --> 00:18:29,701
(sizzling sound)
445
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,000
(screaming)
446
00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:35,267
(all laughing)
447
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:38,968
Well, that wasn't funny
or friendly.
448
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,834
All I did
was try to be your friend,
449
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:41,901
try to be like you.
450
00:18:41,934 --> 00:18:43,334
You went too far,
meshuggeneh.
451
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:45,133
We thought we could
quip with anyone.
452
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,567
Relate to anyone.
453
00:18:46,601 --> 00:18:48,400
Look hot with anyone.
454
00:18:48,434 --> 00:18:50,167
Anyone except for...
455
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,100
you!
456
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:55,133
(all laughing)
457
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,534
Deep down, I knew I never really
fit in with you.
458
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,767
When people look at you,
459
00:19:00,801 --> 00:19:02,834
they see the way
they want to be.
460
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:04,434
When they look at me,
461
00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:06,601
they see the way
they really are.
462
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:08,100
Well, what are you waiting for?
463
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:10,601
Finish me off so there'll be
room for more of you.
464
00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:12,901
And since we're The Gang...
465
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:15,501
ALL:
Let's dismember him together!
466
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:17,734
WOMAN:
But before
your bloodbath begins...
467
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,567
have you considered features?
468
00:19:19,601 --> 00:19:21,234
Oh, my gosh!
469
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:25,334
It's super agent extraordinaire
Skip "Spike" Bergenstock.
470
00:19:25,367 --> 00:19:27,567
Sign with me and not only
will I have your professionally
471
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,267
chiseled profiles plastered
on every calendar and coffee mug
472
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,067
this side of Alpha Centauri,
473
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,400
but I'll release you
474
00:19:33,434 --> 00:19:35,601
from this small screen
trinitronic purgatory
475
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:38,367
and take you to the glamorous
world of motion pictures.
476
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,200
Can you really get
us into the movies?
477
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:44,267
Absitively, but you got
to decide who gets top billing.
478
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:46,901
Uh, that would be me.
479
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,667
You? Why, I've
been carrying
480
00:19:48,701 --> 00:19:50,701
your collagen-stuffed
butt for years.
481
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:53,567
SASSY:
My TV-Q tested better
than all of you combined.
482
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,100
(all bickering)
483
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,100
(audience applauding
and cheering)
484
00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:02,834
Corny, what are
you doing here?
485
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:06,200
Cornfed, that was your greatest
discovery since Yahoo Serious.
486
00:20:06,234 --> 00:20:07,767
Let's talk finder's fee.
487
00:20:07,801 --> 00:20:10,567
Saving Duckman's life is
reward enough, but three points
488
00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:12,734
of the ancillary rights
would really hit the spot.
489
00:20:12,767 --> 00:20:14,801
(clicks tongue)
490
00:20:14,834 --> 00:20:16,734
Duckman, you have your choice:
491
00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:18,667
I can either rush
you to a burn unit
492
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,868
or ringside at Foxy Boxing.
493
00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:24,934
Alas, you know me too well,
old friend.
494
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:26,434
But before we go,
495
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:28,801
there's one thing
I don't understand.
496
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,501
I abandon you, hurt you,
497
00:20:30,534 --> 00:20:32,634
treat you like
a bus station toilet,
498
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,567
yet you're always
by my side,
499
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,534
bailing me out,
saving my skin...
500
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:37,801
Why?
501
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:39,367
When I graduated college
502
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,033
with a degree in
sidekick sciences,
503
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:42,868
I could've made
a lifetime commitment
504
00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:44,734
to either you or MattHouston, and frankly,
505
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:46,634
Lee Horsley always
gave me the creeps.
506
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:49,400
Yeah. He was like
the poor man's Tom Selleck.
507
00:20:49,434 --> 00:20:51,667
Isn't that redundant?
508
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:53,234
(both laughing)
509
00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:55,234
Corny, you're the greatest.
510
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:57,567
No offense, Duckman,
but haven't you had
511
00:20:57,601 --> 00:20:59,234
enough hugging
for one day?
512
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:00,701
Oh, uh, yeah.
513
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:01,734
Right. Sure.
514
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,901
(audience oohs and ahs)
515
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:10,501
(applause and cheering)
516
00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:19,067
(applause and cheering
die out)
517
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:22,300
(audience milling about
and talking)
518
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:35,767
( The Gang theme music
playing backwards)
519
00:21:35,801 --> 00:21:39,501
(DISTORTED VOICE):
Hello, kids. This is Satan.
520
00:21:39,534 --> 00:21:44,267
Thank you for watching,and remember to worship me.
521
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:46,868
Good night.
522
00:21:51,634 --> 00:21:55,434
(music continues
playing backwards)
523
00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:57,868
MAN (distorted):
Need more cheese.
524
00:22:05,701 --> 00:22:08,367
(boinging)
37029
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