All language subtitles for Duckman - 3x13 - The One With Lisa Kudrow in a Small Role (a.k.a. Planet of the Dopes)-ing

Ah, home at last.

Worn down and weary
after a hard day's work.

But a remedy awaits--

for tonight is my night
to pamper myself

and I don't mean the diapers

which I've penciled in
for Wednesday.

A night made in heaven.

And who deserves it
more than I?

Toiling tirelessly
yet another day

in order to provide food
and clothing for my family.

All right, clothing.

Bye, Dad.

Though we're only
ten years old,

we're going out
to find a job,

because we haven't had pants
that fit in three years.

All right, neither!
I hate that!

I walk around,
minding my own business,

talking to myself,
and suddenly,

everything I say
becomes a set-up

for some perfectly-timed joke
at my expense.

Unfortunately,
I didn't hear you,

or I would have made
a joke at your expense.

See?!

Duckman, I've got a job
for you to do.

Unless it involves you,
flammable pajamas,

and a wayward pilot light,
I have other plans.

Tonight, the Chateau Duckman
is my castle and I am king.

You mean Rodney King?

( screams )

Or Don King?

Oop, I have to go
to the gym.

Maybe, when I get back,

we can do Larry, Perry,
and Coretta Scott.

Go quickly and go far,
O Nagging Spawn of Satan.

I, in the meantime,
will find solace

in the intellectual challenge
that is cable TV.

Wow. He fishes while he talks.

Whoa!

My bus driver wanted
to make sure I got home.

Dad, given that Aunt Bernice
doesn't have the time lately

to ask me to repeat what
I said after her blank look

and given that the twins
are each lucky enough

to have a second head
to converse with,

I was thinking perhaps
I could talk to you.

Ah, that's fine, son.
It's good to have a dream.

But Dad, I think
this might be that time

in an adolescent's development

when he needs to, you know,
discuss things with his father.

Are you trying to tell me
this is the big "P"?

I thought we had that
penciled in for Wednesday.

Puberty, Ajax.

Are you getting
bigger pimples?

Sporting a little
peach fuzz on the bill?

Feeling repulsed by your
own scrawny appearance?

Mercilessly
laughed at by girls,

despite a deepening desire
to be close to them?

Suddenly aware of a
fire in your loins

engulfing you in
a living inferno,

sending you off
behind a closed door

for up to three or four
weeks at a time?

Um, no.

Oh! Uh, me neither.

So, we've bonded,
I've grown.

Now, don't you have some
ear wax to sculpt or something?

If you're not
in the mood to talk,

we could just
watch TV together.

ANNOUNCER:
The Father/Son Hour.

Uh-uh.

ANNOUNCER 2:
Quality time with
your teenage son.

Don't think so.

WOMAN: Every son
needs a father.

Nope.

MAN: Naked women
giving Vegas odds.

Whoa-hoo-hoo!

And will you take
a look at the spread?

Uh, Ajax...

I feel it's my duty
as a responsible parent

to make you leave
the house tonight.

Here's a buck and a half.

If you're buying beer,
you'll have to
panhandle for the rest.

Okay, Dad,
I'll wander the streets

picking up my morals,
values, and core beliefs

from the people
of the night

then come back when
I'm fully formed

and beyond
your influence.

Good boy.

Oop! Wait--
I can help.

Remember that movie
where the dad learns

he's dying from
a fatal disease

so he makes a tape
telling his child

everything he thinks
is important to know.

Well, I have one for you.

Are you dying
from a fatal disease?

Nah. I just knew I'd be watching

a lot of tv.

I wasn't asking a lot.

It's just that, as I grow,

I find myself
experiencing changes...

granted, less extreme ones

than I felt
after swallowing the Drano,

but changes I'd like
to discuss with someone.

Whoa!

( groans )

( rumbling )

Huh?

( loud whirring )

Wow.

( rattling, clattering )

( engine misfires )

( hinges creaking )

Howdy!
I'm Tommy Lee Grabsdig!

And this here's
Billy Saw Mobinrib!

We're inferior beings
from the planet Betamax.

We come looking for
the wisest man on Earth

so's he can bring progress

to our real-purty-

but-backward-and-full-
of-stupid-people planet.

Mite antisocial.

Nice body, though.

Greetings,
feared fellows.

What planet are you from?

You hear that, Billy Saw?

He knows we're
from somewheres else.

Whee, doggies,
Tommy Lee.

He must be the wise one.

Actually, my name is Ajax,
not to be confused

with the man on TV
who fixes bicycles.

But you probably wouldn't
because his name is Bill.

Whish! Went right
over my head.

I'm Tommy Lee,
and this is Billy Saw.

We got the same voice

on account of us beings
from Betamax

never had a original
thought in our heads,

so we copy
everything we can.

That plus thousands
of years of sleeping
with our relatives.

Well, there's nothing
like a close family.

A profundity--
ooh-whee!

He's the one,
billy saw.

Somehow we got to trick him
into getting on board our ship.

Ever seen the inside
of a spaceship?

No.

Want to?

Okay.

( engine starts )

NEWSCASTER:
Perot claims not to know
it was a gay bar.

MAN:
Shut up, you old hoor.

WOMAN:
Ajax brand euro-coffee.

A-j-a-x-- Ajax!

That explains why there's
no puddles of drool

next to the dog's bowl--
Ajax is missing.

Boys, check the house
and the yard.

Listen up, DaffyDuh.

I don't know
what's happened to Ajax,

but I've got a feeling
you're responsible.

I've never been the
least bit responsible
and you know it.

Besides, he could be
lots of places.

( horns honking )

( engine starting )

( panting )

He's not here--
but don't worry, Dad.

There's no reason to believe
that Ajax won't safely lumber

into the open arms of home,
hearth and family.

Unless, of course,
he was callously

and selfishly
rejected by you,

sending him into
the open arms
of whiteslavers,

the al-Fatah, or
people who appreciate

the photographs of
Robert Mapplethorpe.

( gasps )

Hey, cats and kittens.

Corny, what have I done?!

Compared to Mozart,
not a helluva lot.

I can't take the guilt!

For posing as a blind
shower repairman

at the girls' lacrosse finals?

For using your great-aunt's
ashes for carpet deodorizer?

For getting change
for your Monopoly money

from a UNICEF box?

What are you,
my biographer?

All right,
look, everyone.

He hasn't been gone
that long.

How bad a situation could
he have really gotten into?

( screaming )

I told you we should
have got insurance
when we rented this.

Hot dog, Ajax.

Welcome to
the planet Betamax.

( wings making sound
like a pumping accordian )

( thud, squawk )

( all laughing )

You dropped
a five-credit note.

Why, so I have.

Let me repay you
for your loss.

Do you have change
for a ten?

I don't,
but take a 20.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

( scratching )

Billy Saw, Tommy Lee,
what y'all think you're doing?

We don't think nothing.

We're just doing
whatever Ajax does.

Ernest T., this is Ajax.

Ajax, Ernest T. Globb.

Ernest T. here sounds
a little bit different

from everyone else,
so we made him deputy.

It's me, it's me,
the deputy.

( raspy, wheezing laughter )

Ajax is the one
we've been looking for.

He's kind and gentle
and wise.

( belches )

( all gasp )

And he can sing.

We're looking for a clue
that could lead us to him--

anything you don't
ordinarily see in Ajax's room.

Duckman? Duckman?

I found these disgusting things
in Ajax's closet.

Why didn't I teach him
to just say no to this garbage?

This is Ajax's room.

That stuff is
from your closet.

Oh. Hey, I didn't know
he could sculpt clay.

Not clay, cheese.

Each sculpture corresponds
to the cheese used.

For example,

this goat is made
from goat cheese.

This map of Switzerland
is made from Swiss cheese.

What's this head made out of?

Blech...

"My money for college."

I didn't know Ajax
wanted to go to college.

I didn't know he could
spell college.

Well, actually...

( chuckling )

Lookit--
"college" with two L's.

It's only later that the
sixQ's sneak up on you.

No money inside, just papers.

"I owe me $28,
Dad's racetrack night.

"I owe me $16,
Dad's bondage...

uh, bowling night."

there's dozen's of these.

Apparently, Ajax
has been sneaking money

into your wallet.

This has gotta be $300-$400--
every allowance he ever got.

Doesn't he spend any money
to make himself happy?

This probably did
make him happy.

Well, there's a couple of
leads here we can follow.

With the whole family helping,

we can cover a lot
of ground before dark.

Think we missed anything?

Just my son's whole life.

Well, got
your general store.

You got your trastic light.

You got your
scaly flyin' glibneezers

that drop
your oogla everywhere.

( glibneezer squawks )

Interesting tour, Ernest T.

Though I'm sure the ability
to comprehend and recall

would have greatly enhanced
my enjoyment.

So, tell us about
your planet.

What's that like?

Well, let me think.

I know that it
spins really fast.

( all gasping
and murmuring in awe )

Give us the word.

Help us, Ajax.
Tell us!

Tell us what it's like
in paradise.

Get up on that there mount,
so everybody can see on you.

You all really want to hear
what i have to say?

Tell us what it's like!
Yeah!
Yes!

Teach us, Ajax!
Give us the word! Tell us!

Where to start...

well, always burp the air
out of the white bread

before you put
the twist tie on.

( cheering )

...and blessed
are the pacemakers,

though, without them, we'd
inherit things a lot sooner.

And cherish the occasions
when you don't have to shower,

'cause men's odor
is what makes men's men

feel like men's men...

men...

uh... men.

ALL:
Ah... men.

Wow. It's as if I found
a whole new family--

one that really
wants me around.

I think I'll stay.

We're talking
spin-off with the animators.

There's some feelers
from Dreamworks.

"We're big fans"--
that kind of thing. You?

Summer tour
came through.

Odd Couple.
Felix, this time.

Dinner theaters, mostly,
but classy, you know?

Two-drink minimum.

I'm doing time
and temperature
for Southwest Bell.

Aha.

Good gig.
Very nice.

Real challenge.

MAN:
Okay, kids, we're ready.

( bell rings twice )

MAN:
Speed.

MAN 2:
Nice energy.

And... action.

We got to find Ajax

but how are we going
to know where to look?

Of course, I'm not
a professional detective--

I don't really understand
these complex matters--

but maybe you should look
in the places he usually goes!

Okay, maybe, but I have no idea
where he goes.

If only there were people

who really knew him,
who lived with him

who were like brothers
to him.

( clearing throats )

What? What?

We're his brothers.

Oh, well,
aren't we special?

"We're his brothers.

"Ooh, look at us;
we're so important.

We're his brothers."

look, boys, does our
little interruption

have anything
whatsoever to do

with the problem
we're trying to solve?

You know the drill.

Slowly, with as many
little words as possible.

We made up a list of
his favorite places to go, Dad.

They might surprise you.

If indeed you're
still surprised

that you know
almost nothing

about the members
of your own family.

I'll have you know,
Mr. Smarty-pants,

that that doesn't
surprise me one bit.

Once again,
I emerge with the upper hand.

I don't get it, Corny.

Why would he come here?

There's nothing but art.

Perhaps he was looking
to compensate

for something he
found lacking

in his home environment.

You're right!

They've got
full frontal nudity!

Whoo-hoo!

( grunts )

sad, isn't it?
Some kid comes in here

every day to look
at that statue.

Walks back and forth so much,
he's worn down the concrete.

Duckman, I think
i've found something

that may
give us a clue

as to what Ajax
was looking for.

I'll be right there, corny.

Just seeing what she'd look like
with both her breasts.

( kids shouting, laughing
happily )

Duckman, are you
sensing a pattern

in the places
Ajax likes to come?

Yeah. He's not at any of them.

It's true.

I don't know him,
do I, Corny?

I've let him grow up
without bothering to find out

who he is or what he wants

and now, if anything's
happened to him

it's my fault.

Because of me,
he's out on his own,

helpless and friendless
and alone

in a cold, cruel world.

( crowd chanting ):
Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax!

Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax!

( cheering )

sometimes at night,
if you leave your window open

the fumes
from a nearby paint factory

can help you get to sleep.

ALL:
Ooh!

By eating tainted food
from dented cans

you can simulate the feeling

of a gunshot wound
to the stomach,

without actually being
fired upon.

ALL:
Ooh!

Dad says if you give

the asbestos inspector
enough money,

he won't bother you again
for a whole year.

ALL:
Ooh!

You up and mentioned
some feller called "Dod."

Is that who
you learned from?

Dad?
Well, I guess he's the one

who's most responsible
for making me what I am.

Well, shut my mouth
and call me a cab.

This "Dod" must be

one humdinger of
a superior creature.

Got a picture?

( both gasp )

handsome sort, and you're
the spitting image

'cept for the size
and the shape

and the color
and the face and stuff.

He also made me
this educational videotape,

wherein
he talks about everything

he felt it was important
for me to know.

Sooey!

Can we watch?

Sure.

Do you have VCRs?

Handy, but repairs
are a pain in the butt.

( both guffawing )

( tape clicks into slot,
grunts )

We're backward,
but we got our priorities.

Listen up, everybody.

It's Dod,

the varmint who's so wise,

he taught Ajax
everything he knows.

ALL:
Whoa!

My advice is to
write it all down.

These are going to be
words to live by.

( all burping )

What the hell
are you staring at?

( musical theme playing )

* *

TOMMY LEE:
And so it was that Dod's wisdom
was visited upon our world.

He spoke to us
of a new way of living

a new way of behaving
toward one another--

his way.

( yelling indistinctly )

Remember, cheeks red,
cleavage scrunched.

( all gasp )

Dod bless Betamax.

We'll do it
in the name of Dod.

And Dod said unto us:

"If someone beatest the crap
out of you,

then you beatest the crap
out of him."

( bell ringing )

( all yelling )

CROWD ( chanting ):
Kill Ajax! Kill Ajax!

I do love it here

but if all I'm going to see
is mobs and guns and explosives,

I might as well
be back at school.

MOB:
Kill Ajax! Kill Ajax!

( gasping )

( all panting )

( mob clamoring )

You remember how
this dang thing works?

I believe that button
takes us straight up.

( jackhammer rattling )

Truly, he was
the son of Dod.

( grunts )

Nice shot, Timmy.

This duck hole
is a hard one.

( sighs )

I'm at a loss. What possible
connection can there be

between a family beach,
a statue of a family,

a family playground
and amusement park

a family picnic area,
a family rec center,

a restaurant with a weekly
"families eat free" night,

a taping of the game show
Family Feud,

and a miniature golf course
filled with families?

( Ajax screams )

Ow.

Sorry about that, Ajax.

I forgive you. You didn't know
what you were doing.

Dad?

ALL:
Ajax!

I've never been so happy to
see anyone in my whole life.

Bail bondsman?

Okay, yeah,
but this is good too.

Where'd you go?

Actually,
it's quite interesting.

I was kidnapped
by hillbilly aliens

who all have the same voice

then taken to their planet

and worshipped as a deity
by millions,

until your videotape
caused the entire culture

to be enveloped
in a downward spiral

of violence, greed
and pornography.

I was like one
clue away from
guessing that.

I think you might
have been dreaming, Ajax.

You look like you had a nasty
hit on the head. Are you okay?

Of course he is!

The important thing is
that he's back with us.

You being gone has taught me
a valuable lesson, Ajax.

It's that
when a father and a son...

Uh...

When they, uh...

The important thing
about being...

Eh, if you, uh...

Help me out here.

I think you learned that,
too often,

we fail to take the time

to really get to know
those we love the most.

That was okay.
Sometimes you do better.

Thanks, Dad.

It means a lot

to hear someone else say
you meant to say that.

I learned a lesson too.

I went searching
for a connection to a family

who would love me
and listen to me,

and I found it
amongst a planet full of people

who felt I was worth more
than any of you ever will.

But, you know, I'm glad
to be back and everything.

Come on, son.
Let's go home.

Maybe the whole thing
was a dream, Dad.

After all, in real life,
can you imagine

a whole civilization
worshiping a god

who created the very world
that plagues them?

( all laughing )

( laughter fades
to nervous chuckles )

( explosion )

AJAX:
What makes men's men
feel like men's men?