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1
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:02,968
(door creaks open)
2
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:10,968
(whistles)
3
00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:36,934
(quacks)
4
00:00:40,801 --> 00:00:43,934
(woman sobbing)
5
00:00:46,968 --> 00:00:51,067
Bernice, I-I'm so glad
you could be here--
6
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:53,634
you and the boys,
and, and...
7
00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:54,601
well...
8
00:00:56,667 --> 00:00:58,634
I'm sorry,
Widow Leibner.
9
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:00,634
I know Harry clearly
stated in his will
10
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:02,067
that Duckman be kept
11
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:04,067
at least 20 miles
from his funeral,
12
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,734
but he has a nose
for free food.
13
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,033
Where'd he go now?
14
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,667
He said something
about making a contribution
15
00:01:10,701 --> 00:01:11,968
in Harry's memory.
16
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,267
(sniffing) Huh. This kind of
smells like the john.
17
00:01:15,334 --> 00:01:16,834
Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Aa-ah!
18
00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:19,167
Where's the damn light switch?
It's dark in here.
19
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,834
Whoops. Sorry, fella.
Touch you there again,
20
00:01:20,868 --> 00:01:22,501
I'll have to charge you.
(chuckles)
21
00:01:22,534 --> 00:01:24,667
(loud crashing)
Ow! Ooh!
22
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,133
(groaning)
Whoa...
23
00:01:33,234 --> 00:01:35,534
It's about time,
you plumed plowhead.
24
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:37,534
Where the hell
have you been?
25
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:40,200
Bernice, funerals are a
deeply personal experience.
26
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,033
I prefer to mourn
in my own way,
27
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,534
which apparently includes
knocking myself unconscious,
28
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,701
funneling a barrel full of
embalming fluid down my throat,
29
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:48,701
then having an overweight woman
in a janitor's outfit
30
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:50,534
smear my face
with rouge and eyeliner.
31
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:53,100
Hey, I mourn the same way
I celebrate my birthday.
32
00:01:53,133 --> 00:01:54,067
(grunts)
33
00:01:54,968 --> 00:01:56,400
(choked sob)
34
00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:58,701
Oh. Right.
Excuse me, uh, ma'am.
35
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:00,033
This must be
very difficult
36
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:04,167
but nobody will ever forget
your husband, uh, uh...
37
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:06,701
Curly?
38
00:02:06,734 --> 00:02:08,534
Greasy? Bob?
39
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:11,067
(sobbing)
40
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:12,667
Uh, Mousse? Red?
41
00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:14,267
Place-for-hat?
42
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:15,634
Uh, way-up-high-
on-top?
43
00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:17,868
Uh, hand-touching-
the-things-that, uh,
44
00:02:17,901 --> 00:02:19,434
stick-up-
out-of-your-head?
45
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:21,868
Uh, lots-of-thin-
sort-of-follicle-things
46
00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:23,901
bunched-up-or-maybe-
like-sometimes
47
00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:26,100
in-a-ponytail-or-a-
bun-or-something?
48
00:02:26,133 --> 00:02:27,934
ALL:
Harry!
49
00:02:27,968 --> 00:02:29,767
Doesn't ring a bell.
50
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,133
(grunts)
(crash)
51
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:32,734
(organ groaning)
52
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:34,000
This is his funeral.
53
00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:35,801
Will you say something nice?
54
00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:38,501
Okay, okay. Uh... oh, I know.
55
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:41,267
Mrs. Leibner, your husband
was an honorable man,
56
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:42,834
who always put
his family first.
57
00:02:42,868 --> 00:02:44,734
Why, it was out of
consideration for you
58
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:46,734
that he concealed
his rampant homosexuality.
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00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:47,901
(gasps)
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00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:49,734
In fact, the last thing
he said to me was
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00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,234
"Duckman,
don't tell my wife."
62
00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:53,200
(screaming)
Duckman!
63
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:54,534
What? It's true.
64
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:55,534
He was protecting you.
65
00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:56,701
He was afraid you'd think
66
00:02:56,734 --> 00:02:58,200
you drove him to it,
but you didn't.
67
00:02:58,234 --> 00:02:59,868
He said he stopped
caring about you
68
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:01,801
20 years before he even
slept with a man.
69
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:04,467
(wailing)
There, there,
it's all right.
70
00:03:04,501 --> 00:03:05,801
You can take some comfort,
71
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:08,567
knowing that Duckman will
someday be nailed in a box
72
00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:10,801
and buried six feet
under the ground, too.
73
00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:14,033
Tonight, maybe,
after he falls
asleep.
74
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,901
Well, it's getting
a bit late.
75
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:18,634
If someone else would like
to say something
76
00:03:18,667 --> 00:03:21,000
while we wait
for our beloved Cornfed...
77
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:25,968
Widow Leibner,
in a moment as profoundly sad
78
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,534
as the passing of a life,
79
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:30,234
a reflection on the gifts
that life gave us
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00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,801
is often the only refuge.
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00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:35,400
Our time here is forever finite,
and as such, should be measured
82
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:38,234
not by its length
but by its quality alone.
83
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,634
Though your years together
may seem but a flicker
84
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,200
now that the flame
has been doused,
85
00:03:42,234 --> 00:03:44,501
remember always
how brightly they burned
86
00:03:44,534 --> 00:03:48,334
and let that memory
keep you warm.
87
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:51,200
(crickets chirping)
88
00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:53,934
Sometimes at night,
89
00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:56,868
I grow a second head
under my left armpit.
90
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:58,467
(all sighing)
91
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:01,934
It's all about giving them
what they want, isn't it?
92
00:04:01,968 --> 00:04:03,467
(grunts)
(door slams open)
93
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:04,834
(panting)
94
00:04:04,868 --> 00:04:07,634
Pant, pant, wheeze, deep breath.
95
00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,334
Pardon my tardiness,
ladies and gentlemen.
96
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:11,701
I've been vomiting violently
all morning.
97
00:04:11,734 --> 00:04:14,834
My septum is severely deviated,
and I've already passed three...
98
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:16,667
Ee-yah!
99
00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:19,334
Four very large kidney stones.
100
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:22,834
Also, I've got a bitch
of an ice cream headache.
101
00:04:22,868 --> 00:04:25,634
Well, I'm sure if Harry
could see how many of you
102
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,300
came out
on this solemn occasion,
103
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:28,834
the first thing he'd say
would be...
104
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:32,400
"Honey... horn-dog...
butt bongo,
105
00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:35,734
ribbed and lubricated
for that feel of real."
106
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:36,701
(all gasping)
107
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:37,701
(clearing throat)
108
00:04:37,734 --> 00:04:38,701
I'm sorry.
109
00:04:38,734 --> 00:04:40,834
That was highly inappropriate.
110
00:04:40,868 --> 00:04:43,100
Loin king!
111
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:45,334
Rear admiral,
squeal like a pig...
112
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:46,567
(squealing)
113
00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:47,334
(gasping)
114
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:52,601
So, uh, we are here
in Harry Leibner's honor...
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00:04:52,634 --> 00:04:54,200
on her, off her.
116
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:55,667
On her, off her.
117
00:04:55,701 --> 00:04:58,634
Yee-ha, yee-ha, yeee-haa!
118
00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:02,868
To share our memories...
119
00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:04,767
Memories. Mammaries.
120
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:06,667
Great big swollen mammaries,
121
00:05:06,701 --> 00:05:08,133
meat melons, rib balloons.
122
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:10,701
"Potent pigs from the past"
for a hundred, Alex.
123
00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,067
(snorting)
124
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:15,334
(sniffles)
The old softy does have
a way with sentiment.
125
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:18,367
And during all of this,
let us not forget
the widow Leibner.
126
00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:24,968
Hamana-hamana-huh-wah!
127
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,801
(gasping and shrieking)
128
00:05:26,834 --> 00:05:30,067
I'm a superfreak,
super-freaky, ow.
129
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,868
(screaming)
130
00:05:31,901 --> 00:05:33,901
(grunting)
131
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,901
I'm, I'm sorry.
132
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:38,033
Forgive me, all of you.
133
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:40,868
Something's happened,
something I can't explain.
134
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:42,133
But don't worry.
135
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:45,200
I won't ever, ever embarrass you
like that again.
136
00:05:48,734 --> 00:05:51,267
He's in some kind
of trouble, Dad.
137
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:52,767
I'm sure
he could use a friend
138
00:05:52,801 --> 00:05:54,467
to help him through
whatever's wrong.
139
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:56,133
Yep. Hope he
runs into one.
140
00:05:56,167 --> 00:05:58,467
So, who we going to get
to do that eulogy now?
141
00:05:58,501 --> 00:05:59,701
Pardon me.
142
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,300
During Cornfed's
St. Vitus-like convulsions,
143
00:06:02,334 --> 00:06:04,767
this note fell
out of his pocket.
144
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:06,868
"Things to do:
145
00:06:06,901 --> 00:06:07,934
"Pay the paperboy.
146
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,133
"Pick up a gallon of milk.
147
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:11,767
Die in 24 hours from
a congenital disease."
148
00:06:11,801 --> 00:06:12,968
Oh, my Lord!
149
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,467
Cornfed,
tell me it isn't so!
150
00:06:15,501 --> 00:06:18,133
He actually pays
his paperboy?
151
00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:21,767
Duckman, this says
Cornfed's going to die!
152
00:06:21,801 --> 00:06:25,434
Die? That would mean another
funeral and more eulogies
153
00:06:25,467 --> 00:06:27,601
and spending another weekend
afternoon with our neighbors.
154
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:29,067
I've got to do something!
Don't worry.
155
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,067
I'll channel all of my
vast detective skills
156
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,834
into tracking Cornfed down
and saving his life.
157
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:38,934
Can doors lead outside?
158
00:06:38,968 --> 00:06:40,367
ALL:
Uh-huh.
159
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:48,000
Corny dying.I had to find himand talk to him,
160
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,667
but he disappeared.I checked his usual hangouts.
161
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:53,100
Well, okay, I have no ideawhere he hangs out,
162
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:55,100
so I went to my usual hangouts,but no Corny.
163
00:06:55,133 --> 00:06:56,801
So I tried the one placea man can go
164
00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,133
when he wants to be alone.
165
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,434
I've been looking
everywhere, Corny.
166
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:09,701
Tell me it isn't true.
167
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,834
You don't really have
only 24 hours to live, do you?
168
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:13,834
Actually, it's
15 hours now.
169
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:16,067
Oh, sorry. You know,
once that Chia Pet sprouts,
170
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:17,734
you just can't take
your eyes off it.
171
00:07:17,767 --> 00:07:19,067
So, what is it?
What's wrong?
172
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,734
I feel rather awkward
talking about it.
173
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:24,067
Here, watch this
explanatory documentary
174
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:26,767
made possible by a grant
from the Chub Corporation
175
00:07:26,801 --> 00:07:28,701
and viewers like you.
176
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:32,534
(folk music playing)
177
00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:49,801
NARRATOR:
1863-- Vicksburg,Chattanooga, Gettysburg.
178
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,801
Through the worst rebel fire,
179
00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,567
General Travers Dodd Cornfedleads the Union
180
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:56,834
to victory after victory.
181
00:07:56,868 --> 00:07:58,167
After the war,
182
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,467
he distinguishes himselfin a variety of fields.
183
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,434
CORNFED:
But on this day,my fellow Americans...
184
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:04,801
(soprano singing aria)
185
00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:06,634
(bat strikes ball,
crowd cheering)
186
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,334
NARRATOR:
Then in 1875,
187
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:10,667
while helping longtimecompanion Melville Dewey
188
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:12,901
organize his bookshelves,
189
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:15,067
a special-deliveryletter arrives.
190
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,167
MAN:
"I seek a favor, old friend.
191
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,834
"Relations with the savagetribes of Massapequa
192
00:08:19,868 --> 00:08:22,234
"are at an impasse,"and we are sorely in need
193
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:24,400
"of the whale bone minesthey control.
194
00:08:24,434 --> 00:08:27,801
"Our corset industrydepends on you, Cornfed.
195
00:08:27,834 --> 00:08:29,534
"Love to Melville.
196
00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:32,534
"President Ulysses S. Grant,White House, Washington, D.C.
197
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:35,767
E-mail, President F.Anachronism dot com."
198
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:39,534
CORNFED:
"Dear Melville,I'm writing you this letter
199
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,100
"even though you'restanding behind me,
200
00:08:41,133 --> 00:08:42,601
"reading over my shoulder.
201
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:43,934
"My country needs me.
202
00:08:43,968 --> 00:08:45,934
"Please look aftermy estranged wife
203
00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:48,434
"and my young sonsand tell them of my excitement
204
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:51,000
"on departing for the wildsof Massapequa.
205
00:08:51,033 --> 00:08:54,267
I know that an unforgettableadventure awaits me there."
206
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,334
NARRATOR:
But it is not to be.
207
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:59,501
While welcoming Cornfed,the tribal elder says,
208
00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:01,267
"This is my only daughter.
209
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:02,734
Isn't she beautiful?"
210
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:05,701
But Cornfed speaksonly a little Massapequan
211
00:09:05,734 --> 00:09:07,133
and translates it as
212
00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:09,501
"I would considerit a great honor
213
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:12,100
"if you would makeloud donkey sounds,
214
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:14,467
then pretend to vomitat my feet."
215
00:09:14,501 --> 00:09:17,467
The results are disastrous.
216
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:18,968
The elder became enraged
217
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,133
and fed him
an odd Massapequan berry,
218
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,801
which actually altered
Cornfed's genetic structure.
219
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,801
Witnesses said he became
like a man possessed,
220
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:27,501
crazed with lust.
221
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,868
24 hours later, he was dead.
222
00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:31,367
Oddly, years later,
223
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,801
the same affliction
struck his son, Atticus Cornfed,
224
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,434
when he turned 26.
225
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,868
Somehow, the Massapequans
were able to affect the DNA
226
00:09:37,901 --> 00:09:40,033
of not just
Travers Cornfed himself
227
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:42,033
but the entire Cornfed line.
228
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:44,067
How? You'd have
to ask either a doctor
229
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,400
or someone who plays one on TV.
230
00:09:46,434 --> 00:09:49,200
We in television medicine
know very little
231
00:09:49,234 --> 00:09:52,167
about the medical impact
of Massapequan berries.
232
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,868
There have been experiments,
233
00:09:53,901 --> 00:09:56,634
most notably by Chad Everett
and James Brolin,
234
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,601
but with no definitive results.
235
00:09:58,634 --> 00:10:03,267
NARRATOR:
And so, from inventor andadventurer Travers Dodd Cornfed
236
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,901
to private detective
237
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:08,534
and former rust removerWillabald Fivel Cornfed,
238
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:12,133
all males in the Cornfed familycarry a genetic flaw
239
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:15,334
corrected only by the releaseof various chemicals
240
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:16,734
during the sex act.
241
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,300
At a certain age,
242
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:22,334
a Cornfed male will be set uponby strange spells and seizures.
243
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:23,667
And from the moment they start,
244
00:10:23,701 --> 00:10:28,734
he has 24 hoursto lose his virginity or die.
245
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:37,167
Willabald Fivel?
246
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,167
(laughing and snorting)
247
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:42,234
Willabald Fivel?!
(laughing)
248
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:43,868
I didn't even think
249
00:10:43,901 --> 00:10:46,167
Willa knew a Fivel.
(laughing harder)
250
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,567
Um, remember the dying part?
251
00:10:48,601 --> 00:10:50,434
Oh, yeah. Well, truth is,
252
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:52,801
I was kind of tuned out
on that part. Wordy.
253
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,300
If that's the kind of thing
smart people watch,
254
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:56,334
I'm glad I'm, uh...
(chuckles)
255
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,334
What are
not-smart people called?
256
00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,868
I have a genetic problem.
257
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:02,234
I only have 15 hours
to lose my virginity
258
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:04,300
or I'll d-d-die.
259
00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:06,934
Die! Die! Die! Die-e-e!
260
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:10,234
Masticate my hot monkey pogo!
261
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:12,801
Okay.
262
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,767
Yeah, but you must've known
about this, uh... thing.
263
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:16,901
No, this kind of
problem's
264
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,734
a little awkward
for Dad to talk about, too.
265
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:20,234
So I had to wait
until yesterday
266
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:21,567
when he finished
making the tape.
267
00:11:21,601 --> 00:11:23,100
You know how that goes--
268
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:25,734
casting decisions, rewrites,
this location, that location.
269
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:28,567
You want it now or
you want it good?
Exactly.
270
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:30,067
You can't beat the
production values.
271
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,868
Got it all up
on screen, didn't he?
272
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:33,801
Anyway, I don't get it.
273
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:35,968
All the women you've known,
and you've never had sex?
274
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,701
Fed the meter?
Shellacked the furniture?
275
00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:39,300
Jellied the doughnut?
Booted the hard drive?
276
00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:41,834
Sent the pink Mustang
to Lube Masters for a tune-up?
277
00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:44,234
(gulping)
278
00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:45,734
Knickknacked Patty's whack?
279
00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:47,234
Gave Ms. Pac-Man
something to munch?
280
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,834
Cast a secret ballot
for Goomaster General?
281
00:11:48,868 --> 00:11:49,934
Study spermnography?
282
00:11:49,968 --> 00:11:51,501
Point made, and no,
283
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:54,100
I don't base my relationships
with women on sex.
284
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:55,267
What else is there?
285
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:59,200
Common interests,
intellect, a shared humor.
286
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:01,868
Well, pig of my heart,
287
00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:04,667
if it's sex you need,
it's sex you shall have.
288
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:06,000
I'm flattered,
289
00:12:06,033 --> 00:12:09,400
but tradition says it
has to be with a woman.
290
00:12:09,434 --> 00:12:11,767
Unless that's not
what you meant.
291
00:12:11,801 --> 00:12:13,734
Uh... no.
292
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,734
Of course that's
not what I meant.
293
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:17,734
(chuckles)
Don't be ridiculous.
294
00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:19,634
*
295
00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:21,501
Always start with
the workout freaks, Corny.
296
00:12:21,534 --> 00:12:23,400
Nothing like a woman who
keeps the playground neat
297
00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:24,868
if you know what I'm saying.
298
00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:27,200
And need I even mention
breath control?
299
00:12:27,234 --> 00:12:29,567
Now, go and do it
just like I told you.
300
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:36,434
You're buffed.
301
00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:38,367
Work out a lot?
302
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,334
Nutrition's important.
303
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:45,033
Care to chow down on my meat
and two vegetables?
304
00:12:50,501 --> 00:12:52,267
Yep, definite lesbo.
305
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:53,601
If you're nauseous, don't worry.
306
00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:55,734
It goes away after
a few more times around.
307
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:59,267
Cultured chicks
spend a lot of time
308
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,767
talking about passionate solos
and crap like that.
309
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:03,968
Plus seeing all those nude
statues and paintings
310
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,868
makes them horny.
311
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,534
Just give her the line.
312
00:13:07,567 --> 00:13:08,701
(clears throat)
313
00:13:08,734 --> 00:13:11,434
If you let me bow
your stratavarius,
314
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:13,567
I'll let you
finger my oboe.
315
00:13:19,701 --> 00:13:21,667
We need women who never
meet desirable men.
316
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,167
That's why we're here.
317
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,234
If you can't score at
a Star Trek convention,
318
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:26,534
you might as well be dead.
319
00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:32,434
Hi. My name's Cornfed.
320
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:35,467
I was wondering if you
might like to join me
for a cup of coffee.
321
00:13:35,501 --> 00:13:36,834
I'd love to.
322
00:13:36,868 --> 00:13:38,067
I was beginning to wonder
323
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:39,901
if there was anyone in
here I could talk to.
324
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:42,167
Jump my bones, McCoy!
325
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,801
Let's say we unplug
our devices,
326
00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:45,133
you check out
my captain's log,
327
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:48,334
and I'll make sure your photon
torpedoes are fully armed.
328
00:13:49,534 --> 00:13:51,133
(loud crash)
329
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:53,534
It's so typical of women.
330
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,734
When you weren't
looking for it,
331
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,434
when you didn't care,
they swarmed all over you.
332
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,267
But need it just a little,
333
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:00,601
and they smell your
desperation a mile away.
334
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:02,100
Yeah, that was the reason.
335
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,934
Look, there's a half
an hour left.
336
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,100
Maybe we could still...
337
00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,300
Quiet! It's over!
338
00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:08,300
It's bad enough I'm
losing my best friend.
339
00:14:08,334 --> 00:14:10,968
Do you have to taunt me
with false hope?
340
00:14:11,033 --> 00:14:13,534
Sorry. I was being selfish.
341
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:15,167
(both crying)
342
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:19,634
BERNICE:
Well, Duckman,
343
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:21,601
being you would
make me cry, too,
344
00:14:21,634 --> 00:14:23,200
but that doesn't
explain Cornfed
345
00:14:23,234 --> 00:14:25,767
unless he really is going to...
346
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:27,067
It's true, Bernice.
347
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,234
Cornfed is one of those
Massapequan berry-induced,
348
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:31,100
genetic
reconfigurations.
(gasps)
349
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:34,167
If he doesn't lose his
virginity in the next
half hour, he'll die.
350
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,100
We've tried everything
We looked everywhere.
351
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:39,267
I swear the only woman in the
city we didn't come onto is you.
352
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,334
Ah! The agony of it all!
353
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,734
Willabald Fivel,
we hardly knew ye.
354
00:14:48,767 --> 00:14:50,367
How can I go on without you?
355
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,868
Walking into that office
every day,
356
00:14:51,901 --> 00:14:53,367
seeing the place
where your desk was,
357
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,701
but which will now be filled
358
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:56,334
with that pool table
I've had my eye on.
359
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:58,000
Though I've beaten
and I flayed you
360
00:14:58,033 --> 00:14:59,667
(loud rumbling)
like sands through
the hourglass,
361
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:01,601
so were the days of your life.
362
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,234
As it says in Matthew 4:16,
363
00:15:04,267 --> 00:15:06,567
"Nay, though the sibbleth
doth begat
364
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,701
that the serpent be taken
unto thine own breast."
365
00:15:08,734 --> 00:15:10,234
I don't know what it means
366
00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:12,234
but I can always remember it
because of the word "breast."
367
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:14,067
And the memory of your
charming rendition
368
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:16,801
of "Seasons in the Sun"
in Latin will forever linger.
369
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:21,367
BERNICE (moaning):
Oh, Cornfed!
370
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,100
"Oh, Cornfed" is right.
371
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:27,167
My friend, my compadre,
you will be missed.
372
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,467
(electrical crackling)
373
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,000
(mellow tune playing)
374
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:38,534
"If music be the food
of love, play on.
375
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,667
"Give me excess of it;
that surfeiting.
376
00:15:40,701 --> 00:15:42,934
The appetite may sicken,
so die."
377
00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:44,534
My appetite already died
378
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:46,801
when I realized
you went spelunking
379
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,267
in the forbidden cave.
380
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,400
And will you please
knock it off?
381
00:15:50,434 --> 00:15:52,133
(both gasp)
382
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:54,667
Look, I understand
big decisions are never easy,
383
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:56,901
but you really chose her
over death?
384
00:15:56,934 --> 00:15:58,667
This sculpture
is just the beginning.
385
00:15:58,701 --> 00:16:00,667
I've also decided
to petition the Vatican
386
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:04,200
for her sainthood
and change my name to Cornice.
387
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:06,601
Isn't it beautiful,
Mr. Duckman?
388
00:16:06,634 --> 00:16:09,601
If more people
were expressing
themselves
389
00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:11,400
as openly as
Mr. Cornice,
390
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:14,033
this would be a
much happier world.
391
00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:16,734
Well, I don't know
about express-ing
392
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,067
but I'm a big fan
393
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,067
of expresso.
394
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,033
(both scream)
395
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,467
So, where were we?
396
00:16:22,501 --> 00:16:24,033
Ah, right, the battleaxe
you're in love with.
397
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,267
BERNICE:
Duckman!
398
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,200
The post office delivered
399
00:16:27,234 --> 00:16:28,534
your hate mail
to the house again.
400
00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:30,400
Anything worth looking at?
401
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,133
No. Just the usual
death threats
402
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,767
letter bombs and human feces.
403
00:16:33,801 --> 00:16:36,167
You always make it sound
worse than it is.
404
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,100
How do you know
it's human feces?
405
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:39,367
Hi, Corny.
406
00:16:57,234 --> 00:16:58,434
Swoon.
407
00:16:58,467 --> 00:16:59,834
Down I go.
408
00:17:02,234 --> 00:17:05,033
Cornfed, I hope
you didn't misunderstand
409
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,467
what last night was about.
410
00:17:06,501 --> 00:17:09,067
I still want us to be friends.
411
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,667
Friends? Friends?
412
00:17:10,701 --> 00:17:12,367
But I want you
to marry me.
413
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,767
Marry you?!
Marry you?!
414
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:17,734
Cornfed, I can't...
marry you.
415
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:19,200
There are obstacles, sure.
416
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:20,601
You're a duck, I'm a pig,
417
00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:22,000
there'll be talk, slurs.
418
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:25,367
No, Cornfed, I,
I can't marry you because...
419
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,267
I don't love you.
420
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,100
(yelling)
421
00:17:35,033 --> 00:17:36,400
So, pot roast
tonight?
422
00:17:36,434 --> 00:17:38,334
You peg-legged
puke-meister!
423
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:39,667
We've got to go after him
424
00:17:39,701 --> 00:17:41,601
before he does
something horrible!
425
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:43,234
He just proposed to you.
426
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,701
I'm thinking horrible
is behind him.
427
00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:47,234
(yelling)
428
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,901
You go first.
I'll catch up.
429
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:49,901
(body thuds)
430
00:17:49,934 --> 00:17:52,667
(seagulls crying)
431
00:17:52,701 --> 00:17:54,901
(police siren wailing)
432
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:57,767
(circus music playing,
clowns laughing)
433
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,501
Damn police clowns.
434
00:18:00,534 --> 00:18:02,167
Scoff if you like, Duck,
435
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,934
but these clowns
and their delightful antics
436
00:18:04,968 --> 00:18:07,000
have saved many a life.
437
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,267
Pig on the cliff!
438
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:09,400
Watch this!
439
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:10,934
(circus music playing)
440
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:12,300
(chuckling)
441
00:18:12,334 --> 00:18:13,801
Okay, the clowns are good,
442
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:17,133
but I still don't want to live
if I can't have my love.
443
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,667
I got to go up there
444
00:18:18,701 --> 00:18:22,400
even if it means putting myself
in grave personal danger.
445
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,901
What, all of a sudden
I'm supposed to mean what I say?
446
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:31,901
Corny!
447
00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:33,133
(yells)
448
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:35,000
Sorry, I guess I didn't need
the bullhorn.
449
00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:36,067
(straining)
450
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:37,467
Listen to me, Corny.
451
00:18:37,501 --> 00:18:38,868
I'm more than
just your partner.
452
00:18:38,901 --> 00:18:40,133
I'm someone
who owes you money.
453
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,234
And instead of that money,
454
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:42,734
I'm gonna give you
some priceless advice.
455
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:45,534
Don't throw your life away
for that walking hefty bag.
456
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:47,634
You've insulted
the woman I love.
457
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:49,667
In the centuries-old tradition
of my family,
458
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,801
I challenge you
to a duel to the death.
459
00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:53,834
You never mentioned
that tradition before.
460
00:18:53,868 --> 00:18:55,667
Dad's making another tape.
461
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:02,667
(groans)
462
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:04,534
Stop!
463
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:06,367
You can't
kill Duckman!
464
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:07,567
Why?
465
00:19:07,601 --> 00:19:08,801
Uh... geez.
466
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:10,734
Why? Ooh, boy,
that's a stumper.
467
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:12,300
I thought I had a reason
468
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:13,901
and then, whoosh,
right out of my head.
469
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:15,501
Wait! I got it.
470
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:17,834
Because you're too good
for that, Cornfed.
471
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:20,734
You're the only genuinely good
human being I've ever met.
472
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:23,200
That's why
I admire you so much.
473
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:26,100
Admire but not love.
474
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:31,968
Corny, wait,
you can't do this.
You can't jump!
475
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,968
There's another reason
you have to stay alive.
476
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,634
What?
477
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:36,601
Me.
478
00:19:38,234 --> 00:19:39,834
I'm no good
without you, Corny.
479
00:19:39,868 --> 00:19:41,601
I'd be lost
if you weren't there.
480
00:19:41,634 --> 00:19:44,000
You're honest
and brave and wise,
481
00:19:44,033 --> 00:19:45,234
and I'm just...
482
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,400
well, maybe two of those.
483
00:19:47,434 --> 00:19:49,901
Corny, I-I've never really
told you this before--
484
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:52,367
I've never said this
to anyone before-- but...
485
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,667
I need you.
486
00:19:58,534 --> 00:20:01,300
Corny, you'll meet
the right woman someday,
487
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,734
and I know you'll make her
very happy.
488
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,334
It's okay.
I'll be all right.
489
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:11,734
If you call
a dead soul
490
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:13,501
condemned to swim in
a sea of bitter tears
491
00:20:13,534 --> 00:20:16,467
for the rest of
his days all right.
492
00:20:16,501 --> 00:20:18,467
(wind whistling)
493
00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:23,167
Why, it's
Penthouse
magazine
494
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,767
publisher
Bob Guccione.
495
00:20:24,801 --> 00:20:26,100
Hello, Cornfed.
496
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,767
I heard
what you said.
497
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,133
You know, sexual issues
498
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,400
are more complex today
than ever before.
499
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:34,567
That's why it's crucial
for young people like yourself
500
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,868
not to enter
into any sexual relationship
501
00:20:36,901 --> 00:20:38,901
without first building
a foundation
502
00:20:38,934 --> 00:20:40,534
of mutual love and respect.
503
00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:43,801
Remember, the most sensual
parts of the body
504
00:20:43,834 --> 00:20:45,801
are the mind
and the heart.
505
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:47,501
You're right, Mr. Guccione.
506
00:20:47,534 --> 00:20:51,567
And, Duckman, I hope you've seen
the lonely, empty existence
507
00:20:51,601 --> 00:20:54,834
that a life of loveless
debauchery can lead to.
508
00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:56,868
I certainly have, Mr. Guccione.
509
00:20:56,901 --> 00:20:58,601
Then my work here
is done.
510
00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:01,901
Now I must return to my empire
of sensual delights,
511
00:21:01,934 --> 00:21:03,300
tantalizing eroticism
512
00:21:03,334 --> 00:21:05,634
and the world's
most desirable women.
513
00:21:05,667 --> 00:21:08,234
Take me with you, please.
514
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,334
Whenever you need me,
I'll be right here.
515
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:17,434
Remember, the only safe sex
is abstinence...
516
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:19,634
or fantasy.
517
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:22,300
If you must have
sex, wear a latex condom.
518
00:21:22,334 --> 00:21:23,634
Which reminds me.
519
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:25,601
This month in Omni,
"Condoms that think.
520
00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:28,033
Science fiction
or science fact?"
521
00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:30,634
On newsstands now.
522
00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:34,133
Wow. That sure was nice
of Mr. Guccione to come by.
523
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:36,467
He's everywhere
he's needed, Duckman,
524
00:21:36,501 --> 00:21:37,968
and in your own
perverse, inept,
525
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,501
venal and corrupt
way, so are you.
526
00:21:45,367 --> 00:21:47,300
Willabald Fivel?!
527
00:21:47,334 --> 00:21:48,934
(laughing)
528
00:22:03,601 --> 00:22:06,000
(tribal chanting)
529
00:22:35,234 --> 00:22:37,968
GUCCIONE:
Condoms that think.
38876
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