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1
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:10,901
(quacks)
2
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:16,200
(man yells)
3
00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:19,567
(gunshots, woman screams)
4
00:00:19,634 --> 00:00:22,234
WOMAN:
I'm tired of all this
squalor and misery
5
00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:24,067
Of living so close
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00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:27,367
to a miserable, degrading
nightmare of an existence.
7
00:00:27,434 --> 00:00:30,100
Well, even though we
don't live in the ghetto,
it does affect...
8
00:00:30,167 --> 00:00:32,434
I am talking
about this house!
9
00:00:32,501 --> 00:00:34,033
Hey! Don't talk about my house
10
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,534
like it doesn't have class
or something.
11
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:36,701
(belches)
12
00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:39,267
A home is more than
just pretty paint
13
00:00:39,334 --> 00:00:40,501
or a healthy lawn,
14
00:00:40,567 --> 00:00:42,467
or a yard free of rusted-out
benzene barrels.
15
00:00:42,534 --> 00:00:44,367
It's about all the little
homey touches, too.
16
00:00:44,434 --> 00:00:47,300
Like your crime-scene-distressed
patio furniture?
17
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:48,868
What, the only
good picnic table
18
00:00:48,934 --> 00:00:50,701
is one without
human blood on it?
19
00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:54,033
You have a 30-foot stack of
flaming tires in your backyard.
20
00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:56,234
I told you, I can't put it out
21
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:57,634
until someone from Ripley's
documents it.
22
00:00:57,701 --> 00:00:59,467
It's been burning
for three years.
23
00:00:59,534 --> 00:01:01,501
Well, it's hard to get them
to come out.
24
00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:03,901
They're still angry
about, you know, the bee thing.
25
00:01:03,968 --> 00:01:05,501
The bee thing?!
26
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:07,567
(screams)
People, please.
27
00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:08,901
The purpose of inviting
the mayor
28
00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:10,801
to our block
association meeting
29
00:01:10,868 --> 00:01:13,167
was to address the real needs
of our city.
30
00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:14,501
(doorbell rings)
31
00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:15,834
Oh, that's her now.
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00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,367
Remember, everyone,
the mayor was kind enough
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00:01:17,434 --> 00:01:18,901
to come and participate
34
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:21,767
in this, the truest
expression of democracy,
35
00:01:21,834 --> 00:01:24,801
so let's behave like Americans.
36
00:01:25,834 --> 00:01:27,767
ALL:
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
37
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,000
MAYOR:
Back. I have a taser.
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00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:30,267
(gasping)
39
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:32,534
The only reason I'm here
is to stop the harassment--
40
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:34,234
the letters,
the petitions
41
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,501
the decapitated dolls
in the mail--
42
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:38,300
day after day after day!
43
00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:39,801
(nervous laughter)
44
00:01:39,868 --> 00:01:43,400
One woman's harassment
is another woman's persistence.
45
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:47,300
Well, here's one woman's
cease and desist order.
46
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:48,634
Bye.
47
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:49,767
Wait, just a minute, toots.
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00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:51,868
We are your constringents
49
00:01:51,934 --> 00:01:53,734
and as such, have
a consultational right
50
00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:55,133
to pizza and dissembly
51
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,834
with a special
systolic perversion
52
00:01:56,901 --> 00:01:58,467
of life, Listerine
and the cheroot of sappiness
53
00:01:58,534 --> 00:02:00,367
to cervix and project.
54
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:02,033
What are you
talking about?
55
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,167
Uh, just a sec.
56
00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:07,534
Uh, never mind.
57
00:02:07,601 --> 00:02:10,100
Look, plain and simple,
Mayor McBabe
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00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:11,701
we are not going to
be swept under the rug
59
00:02:11,767 --> 00:02:14,267
like some worthless
stack of garbage.
60
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:15,367
Ow!
61
00:02:15,434 --> 00:02:17,734
Mayor, we just want you
to hear our ideas
62
00:02:17,801 --> 00:02:19,601
on how to improve
the city.
63
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,100
Oh, what the hell.
64
00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:22,601
15 minutes to Baywatch.
65
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:24,734
Okay, make it snappy
with these "ideas."
66
00:02:24,801 --> 00:02:26,501
Me!
Me!
Me!
Hey!
67
00:02:26,567 --> 00:02:28,701
Eh-eh. Before you start
68
00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:31,767
if any of them cost money,
we'll have to raise taxes.
69
00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:32,834
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
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00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:35,334
Improvements don't have
to cost money.
71
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,300
We can volunteer to help out
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00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:39,801
at day care centers
or old age homes
73
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,200
pick up litter,
clean up graffiti.
74
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:45,467
In short, we could pull together
as a community
75
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,501
and give freely
of our time and effort.
76
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,334
What do you say?
77
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,334
(smacking)
78
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,567
Hasselhoff time!
79
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,601
(cheering)
Not so fast.
80
00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:57,934
If there's anything
81
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,300
my almost week and a half
in office has taught me
82
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:01,934
it's that you
can't change anything
83
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,667
but you can find
a scapegoat.
84
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:05,801
(growling)
85
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:07,234
(screams)
86
00:03:08,033 --> 00:03:10,334
(Duckman grunting)
87
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,534
MAN (clapping):
Bravo.
88
00:03:12,601 --> 00:03:14,033
I have to applaud you
89
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,734
for the single greatest display
of negative thinking, or N.T.
90
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:20,601
that I have ever
seen in one place.
91
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,000
Tony Sterling,
self-made millionaire
92
00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:25,601
entrepreneur
and a living example
93
00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,734
of the power
of positive thinking, or P.T.
94
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:31,267
I have the way to beautify
your city, or B.Y.C.,
95
00:03:31,334 --> 00:03:34,067
make it a better place
to live, or B.P.L.
96
00:03:34,133 --> 00:03:39,267
and just get happier, or J.G.H.
97
00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:42,601
Terif.
Now, why don't you G.F.Y.?
98
00:03:42,667 --> 00:03:44,300
(chuckles)
99
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:48,601
Charming, you adorable-though-
obviously-ravaged-by-bees gal.
100
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:52,067
You're right
to be skeptical, or S.
101
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:53,634
It is, however, possible.
102
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:56,100
Real beauty...
103
00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:58,133
ALL:
Or R.B...
104
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,634
Excellent...
105
00:03:59,701 --> 00:04:01,968
starts with you.
106
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,634
When you look beautiful
107
00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,701
you want the world
around you to look
beautiful too.
108
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,734
You'll spend
and do and work
109
00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:10,801
until your city,
like you,
110
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:13,934
gives off a glowing
lustrous sheen of prosperity
111
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,067
professionalism
and proprietary--
112
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,200
a word that has nothing
to do with the sentence
113
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:21,067
but starts with "P-R,"
so I threw it in anyway.
114
00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:23,901
Now I know what
you're thinking.
115
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:28,834
MAN:
Take it off, mayor!
116
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:32,434
You're thinking,
"But, Tony, you're so handsome.
117
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:35,901
How could you know
what it's like to be ugly?"
118
00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:38,100
Well, I used to be awkward
and unattractive
119
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:42,000
a real dough-faced,
smegma-coated zero.
120
00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:43,300
But then
121
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,934
(glass breaks, woman screams)
I decided I needed help
122
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,133
becoming the most perfect me
I could be.
123
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,434
So I set out
to put perfection in a bottle.
124
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,701
Beautex--
because in this world
125
00:04:54,767 --> 00:04:56,868
you come first.
126
00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:58,033
Sounds good.
127
00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,267
I'd love some.
128
00:04:59,334 --> 00:05:01,534
Hold your horses, eager beavers.
129
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:02,868
Lest you think
130
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:04,300
it's only the hombres
who can look this good
131
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:05,701
I'd like to introduce you
132
00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:07,033
to the spokeswoman
133
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,634
for Lady Beautex.
134
00:05:08,701 --> 00:05:10,467
(all oohing)
135
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,467
Angela.
136
00:05:20,167 --> 00:05:22,167
(all clamoring)
137
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:23,734
MAMBO:
Hey, Dad
138
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:25,067
that's Angela,
the 911 operator
139
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:27,200
whose voice you
fell in love with
140
00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:28,767
and who turned
out to be ugly
141
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,100
but you loved
her anyway.
142
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:32,133
Then she got a makeover
and became a gorgeous supermodel
143
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,367
and you broke up with her
because she was too good for you
144
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:36,801
and you'd be
holding her back.
145
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,200
Don't you think
I know all that?
146
00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:40,267
That wasnt for you;
that was exposition
147
00:05:40,334 --> 00:05:42,367
for the 99.9%
of the audience
148
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:43,767
who are usually out
having a life
149
00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:45,501
on Saturday nights
instead of staying home
150
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:47,234
and flipping through
obscure cable channels
151
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:50,167
in the hopes they'll
catch a little soft-core
pornography.
152
00:05:51,801 --> 00:05:52,801
Hmm. Oh, my gosh.
153
00:05:54,934 --> 00:05:56,834
An-An-Angela, it's m-m-m-me.
154
00:05:56,901 --> 00:05:57,868
(phone rings)
155
00:05:57,934 --> 00:05:59,033
Hold that stammer,
will ya?
156
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,234
Yello.
157
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:03,033
She owes how much
in Beautex bills?!
158
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:05,067
Wrap her wrinkled butt
in a shawl
159
00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:08,200
and kick her and her cat
out in the street.
160
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:09,901
And hurry,
it's supposed to snow.
161
00:06:09,968 --> 00:06:11,534
Angela, you... you've changed.
162
00:06:11,601 --> 00:06:12,801
Impressive, isn't it?
163
00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:14,534
So, Dinkman, what's
been happening
164
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:15,834
since I saw you last?
165
00:06:15,901 --> 00:06:17,400
Great, sounds like fun.
Well...
166
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:18,400
Maybe I'll see
you later, huh?
167
00:06:18,467 --> 00:06:20,200
Nothing romantic,
of course
168
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:21,334
because, well...
169
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,334
look at you,
then look at me.
170
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,400
(door slams)
171
00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:27,934
People always try to convince me
172
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,267
that it's what's inside
that counts,
173
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:30,534
but those
are the ugly people.
174
00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:32,167
I want to get Angela back
175
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:34,901
but to do that now,
I have to get beautiful
176
00:06:34,968 --> 00:06:37,100
no matter how much it costs.
177
00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:39,000
(change clattering)
178
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:40,534
Oh, deadbeat neighbors.
179
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,534
Oh, well.
180
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,067
This will get me started.
181
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:45,200
Beautex me!
182
00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:49,834
ANNOUNCER:
It's time for
The Magic of Beautex
183
00:06:49,901 --> 00:06:52,667
with your host, Tony Sterling.
184
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:54,200
Thank you.
185
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,033
You're marvelous.
186
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,767
You know, I've been
all over the world
187
00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:01,534
and everywhere I go,
people say the same thing--
188
00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:03,734
"Stop smiling at me."
189
00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:05,734
Then they say, "Hey, Tony,
190
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:08,734
"you're living right
and looking good.
191
00:07:08,801 --> 00:07:10,634
How do you stay so up?"
192
00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:12,133
Three words--
193
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,534
"Beautex...
194
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:14,934
my friend."
195
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,601
(cheering)
196
00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:19,601
As you know,
many of your neighbors
197
00:07:19,667 --> 00:07:21,501
have been using Beautex
for weeks
198
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,000
and they're with us today
199
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,834
to share some of their
experiences with you
200
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:26,234
so come on.
201
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,367
(with audience):
Let's get Beautexed!
202
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:34,400
Why, look who's here
to introduce those neighbors--
203
00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:37,200
that glamorous supermodel,
Angela.
204
00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:38,667
Thanks, Tony.
205
00:07:38,734 --> 00:07:42,100
You're not going to believe
our next Beautex success story.
206
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:43,367
Can't wait.
207
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,968
Hi. Iggy Catalpa here,
former stand-up comic
208
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:48,767
now the guy who finds virgins
for Fox executives.
209
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:51,467
I'm tired of always being
the butt of everyone's jokes.
210
00:07:51,534 --> 00:07:53,634
They call me dweeb and geek
and nerd.
211
00:07:53,701 --> 00:07:54,968
One guy called me a jackanape.
212
00:07:55,033 --> 00:07:56,667
I don't even know
what that means.
213
00:07:56,734 --> 00:07:58,367
For me,
life is a long, dark tunnel
214
00:07:58,434 --> 00:07:59,601
with no end in sight.
215
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:02,467
I long for the peace
that only death can bring.
216
00:08:02,534 --> 00:08:03,667
(applause)
217
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,400
Would you like to see Iggy
after one week
218
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:09,567
of using the Beautex
line of products?
219
00:08:09,634 --> 00:08:11,033
(cheering)
220
00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:16,501
Wow, Iggy,
is that really you?
221
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:18,567
You bet, Tony,
and I owe it all to Beautex.
222
00:08:18,634 --> 00:08:20,467
Now life is worth living again.
223
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,734
I'm confident, secure
224
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,701
and I get more tail
than I can handle. Ha!
225
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:26,300
(applause)
226
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:28,801
But don't just take
his word for it.
227
00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:31,400
With the money I made
selling Beautex
228
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,901
I funded a day-care center,
a gang outreach program
229
00:08:34,968 --> 00:08:36,501
and a committee
to restore English
230
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,367
to our convenience stores
231
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:41,968
but most important,
I'm a bitchin' babe!
232
00:08:42,033 --> 00:08:43,434
Thank you, Beautex.
233
00:08:43,501 --> 00:08:45,934
We're dating Winona Ryder.
234
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,934
Thank you, Beautex.
235
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,167
I used to be sloth-like
and rotund
236
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:52,901
but now I'm a stunning slice
of man meat.
237
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:54,334
Like with most things
238
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,501
I assumed it was the work
of tiny little demons
239
00:08:57,567 --> 00:09:00,167
that enter my body
when I sneeze or yawn
240
00:09:00,234 --> 00:09:03,434
but it's been explained to me
that this time is different.
241
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,367
Thank you, Beautex.
242
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:08,000
Beautex fever is catching!
243
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:11,367
And you don't have to be aliveto enjoy its benefits.
244
00:09:11,434 --> 00:09:15,267
From building materialsto paints to laundry detergent
245
00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:16,601
to lawn care
246
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:19,033
everything looks betterwith Beautex on it.
247
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,501
(applause)
248
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:23,501
That last splotch
must have worked.
249
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:25,901
I'm six degrees of studly now.
250
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:27,567
Hunk city, here I come.
251
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:28,601
(yells)
252
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:29,901
(doorbell buzzing)
253
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:31,467
CORNFED:
Duckman, open up.
254
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:32,901
Take a hike, Ziffel.
255
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:35,434
You can't live a life
devoid of meaningful contact
256
00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:37,567
spending all your time
frantically rubbing yourself
257
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:38,634
with a fistful of lotion...
258
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:41,000
...uh, anymore.
259
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:42,868
I don't want to see anyone.
260
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:44,267
I've been using Beautex
261
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,801
for days,
and it doesn't work on me.
262
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:48,367
Everyone else sparkles
like a young dentist's spit sink
263
00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:50,767
and I look like the floor
around Stevie Wonder's urinal.
264
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:53,567
No offense meant, of course,
to that talented songsmith.
265
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:56,834
I need love,
I need companionship...
266
00:09:56,901 --> 00:09:58,367
I need a new door.
267
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:03,033
Why, Corny, you're beautiful.
268
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,834
Tell me something
I don't know.
269
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:05,901
You've been using it, too?!
270
00:10:05,968 --> 00:10:08,033
The one who says
how shallow it is
271
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:11,067
to be obsessed with the surface,
nonspiritual, the superficial?
272
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,234
Sue me.
273
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,601
I'm getting more tail
than I can handle.
274
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,033
Are all of these empty?
275
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:18,234
I'm doing this
for Angela, Corny.
276
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,501
I'd give anything
to hear her voice calling....
277
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:21,634
ANGELA:
Duckman.
278
00:10:21,701 --> 00:10:23,100
Calling....
Duckman!
279
00:10:23,167 --> 00:10:24,934
Call...
Duckman!
280
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:29,033
Uh... I'm, uh...
down in the basement
281
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,467
where it's real dark
282
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:31,934
'cause I'm, uh...
283
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,567
I can't tell her
something embarrassing
284
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,567
like I'm ashamed
of my appearance. Think. Think.
285
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:38,801
I'm developing
pornographic photos!
286
00:10:38,868 --> 00:10:40,534
Be gentle.
He's more nervous
287
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:44,534
than a Mennonite without a mill
at the Festival of Tehezadarel.
288
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:48,968
I got to make
my references hipper.
289
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:50,667
Duckman, I'm here because
290
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,467
you owe almost $3,000
in unpaid Beautex bills.
291
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:56,033
I'll just take your car,
furniture, clothes
292
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,267
and any gold fillings
you might have.
293
00:10:58,334 --> 00:10:59,901
Fine. Take it all.
294
00:10:59,968 --> 00:11:01,801
It doesn't matter anyway--
I've had it up to here.
295
00:11:01,868 --> 00:11:03,868
I'm holding my hand
under my chin, by the way.
296
00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:06,767
How could I have hoped
to get back together with you?
297
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,367
Get back together with me?
298
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,167
After the way you dumped me?!
299
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:12,400
Leaving me sitting
in that restaurant
300
00:11:12,467 --> 00:11:13,968
just waiting for you?
301
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:16,000
Three weeks, three long weeks
sitting in that booth
302
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:18,334
looking up every time
the door opened.
303
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,968
They let you sit there
for three weeks?
304
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:21,501
Well, I kept ordering
iced tea.
305
00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:24,534
I'd still be there if one of
my kidneys hadn't shut down.
306
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,033
And after my surgery
307
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,501
I vowed never to need you
or anyone else ever again.
308
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:30,534
I have everything I need
to get by,
309
00:11:30,601 --> 00:11:32,534
and it's better this way,
Duckman.
310
00:11:32,601 --> 00:11:35,000
Can't you see
I'm much better off on my own?
311
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:36,667
I'm happier like this...
312
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:40,934
a lot happier than I ever
would've been with you.
313
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,934
(crying)
314
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,501
Angela...
315
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:48,067
don't you know how hard it was
for me to let you go?
316
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:49,400
I just...
317
00:11:49,467 --> 00:11:52,100
I didn't want you
to ever settle for less,
318
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,100
to settle for me.
319
00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:56,601
But the truth is,
not a day has gone by
320
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:59,901
that I haven't thought
about you, dreamt about you.
321
00:11:59,968 --> 00:12:01,267
I love you, Angela.
322
00:12:03,234 --> 00:12:04,901
I'm sorry. It's okay.
323
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:07,501
I know you and I
don't have a chance.
324
00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:11,067
You're so beautiful
and I'm so... not.
325
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,334
Well...
326
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,501
Well...
327
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:30,567
Oh, my goodness, I'm late!
328
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:31,834
D-D-Do you have to go?
329
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:33,167
I'll be back at 6:00.
330
00:12:33,234 --> 00:12:34,501
Will you wait for me?
331
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,067
Hmm.
332
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:44,267
What the...?
333
00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:50,501
Why'd all that color
come off her dress?
334
00:12:50,567 --> 00:12:52,067
And why is she two hours late?
335
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:54,267
Oh, well, I guess I'll do
what I always do
336
00:12:54,334 --> 00:12:55,234
when I think too much.
337
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,300
(remote clicks)
338
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,634
We now bring you
this important message.
339
00:12:58,701 --> 00:13:01,200
You're doomed, Duckman.
340
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:02,334
That sounds like...
341
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,234
King Chicken?
342
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,501
Maybe because it is.
343
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,067
Meet me at the top
of the Beautex Trade Center,
344
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:09,400
the world's tallest
345
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:12,133
and more important,
most rapidly-built building
346
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,534
if you ever want to see Angela
and your family again!
347
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:17,434
Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok.
348
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:20,167
I now return you
to the end of the world
349
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:21,601
already in progress.
350
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:29,934
What the hell's going on?
351
00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:34,234
(whimpering)
352
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,934
I hope you'll all
be comfortable.
353
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,067
I'd hate for your last moments
on earth
354
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:42,501
to be marred by chaffing.
355
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:45,234
You're really someone
named King Chicken?
356
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,834
And all this time,
you were just using me
357
00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:50,901
as part of some horrible plot
to get at Duckman?
358
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:53,968
That, and you made a
darn good cup of coffee.
359
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:56,734
As for my aptly-named
"hideous plot,"
360
00:13:56,801 --> 00:13:59,267
Beautex, is really
a deadly virus--
361
00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:02,601
one that eats away at matter,
causing it to devolve
362
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,334
through its various stages
of development
363
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,734
until it loses all form
and reality,
364
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:09,334
vanishing into nowhere.
365
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,934
Oh, it'll be a pleasure
to watch you all die.
366
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,234
Excuse me,
Mr. Chicken?
367
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:16,133
Allow me to handle
this, maggots.
368
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:20,200
Look, your broil highness,
we're from Weird Science.
369
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:21,734
Like most of this country
370
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:23,434
we don't waste
good babe-snaring time
371
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:25,667
watching
your pitiful little show.
372
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:28,133
What this total stranger,
who is certainly not my brother
373
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,501
is trying to ask is:
Why are you killing us?
374
00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:32,067
USA asked me to.
375
00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:35,501
They don't want one show doing
anything without the other.
376
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,334
So, I'll just kill all of you
377
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,601
and they'll rerun
Silk Stalkings.
378
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:42,000
Demographically sound,
from a programming standpoint.
379
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:44,100
Psst. Psst.
380
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:45,801
No. Ajax.
381
00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:47,334
Since I've never seen
382
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,300
this pathetic
little daisy parade of yours
383
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:54,267
what have you got to save us,
some kind of superpower?
384
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:57,434
I can put coins in my nose
and snort out exact change.
385
00:14:57,501 --> 00:14:59,434
Yeah, but this Duckman--
386
00:14:59,501 --> 00:15:02,367
what kind of superpowers
does he have?
387
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:05,534
Well, when he panics, he can
scream just like a little girl.
388
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:08,834
(shrieking)
389
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,234
Oh, my God!
390
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:17,734
Oh, no!
391
00:15:17,801 --> 00:15:19,100
(screams)
392
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:23,934
(screams)
393
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,434
(gasps)
394
00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:00,167
(screaming)
395
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:01,934
(evil laughter)
396
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,601
King Chicken!
397
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:06,567
Even you have
to get out of here.
398
00:16:06,634 --> 00:16:08,367
This building is...
399
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,501
Devolving?
400
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,868
Relax, kookie, this side
of the building
401
00:16:11,934 --> 00:16:13,934
has been treated
with anti-Beautex.
402
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,267
Somehow, some way
403
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:17,667
I've got to stop
this horrible mass destruction,
404
00:16:17,734 --> 00:16:19,467
this apocalyptic nightmare,
this--
405
00:16:19,534 --> 00:16:21,334
Hey, the three guys
from Weird Science.
406
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,734
I never miss your show.
407
00:16:22,801 --> 00:16:24,767
I just wish it wasn't
so darn complicated, you know?
408
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:27,234
Who can follow those convoluted,
twisty story lines?
409
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:29,501
We're dead meat.
410
00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:33,634
And now, I suppose you all
want to know why I did this.
411
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,400
Okay. I'll tell you.
412
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:36,901
The reason is...
413
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:39,868
We interrupt to bring you
a special news bulletin.
414
00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:42,767
Tim Curry, the celebrated
stage and screen actor
415
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:45,934
has been reported missing
by the Los Angeles police.
416
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,133
A note left
at the recording session
417
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,267
for tonight's episode
of the heavily praised
418
00:16:50,334 --> 00:16:51,734
yet seldom watched
Duckman series
419
00:16:51,801 --> 00:16:54,234
simply said,
"I'm going somewhere
420
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,167
"where they'll never again
make me do the speech
421
00:16:56,234 --> 00:16:58,701
"about how Duckman
isolated me as a child
422
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:03,901
so now I'm going to isolate him.
Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok."
423
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:05,868
Now, back to the program.
424
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:10,601
...going to isolate him.
Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok.
425
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:11,968
Oh, God.
426
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,367
So why didn't
Beautex work on me?
427
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,067
You took the antidote.
428
00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:18,300
Remember when I was disguised
as your children's nanny?
429
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:22,300
I made potatoes for you
and they contained this--
430
00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:23,801
anti-Beautex.
431
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,801
Hey, you got to think ahead
in this business.
432
00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:27,100
By the way
433
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:29,300
here's an amulet
I'd like you to wear.
434
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:30,300
Wow, thanks.
435
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:31,300
No prob.
436
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:32,334
Duckman!
437
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:46,534
(groaning)
438
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:49,300
Duckman, save us.
439
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,234
He can't save you.
440
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:56,567
It's over.
441
00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:59,100
You're a victim
of your own obsession
442
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,300
just like the rest--
a fading testament
443
00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:02,634
to the shallow idiocy
444
00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,968
of worshiping beauty
above all else!
445
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,767
Look, it's
Whitney Houston!
446
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:07,968
Oh, she's so hot!
447
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:10,734
Us first!
448
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:11,934
We get higher ratings!
449
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,234
Only because you got
the desirable time slot
450
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:16,067
and our audiences
are incompatible!
451
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:17,701
We're gonna die, man!
452
00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:20,734
There's some freaky stuff
happening here,
453
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:22,834
and we're all going to die!
454
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:25,801
(screaming)
455
00:18:28,934 --> 00:18:32,267
Oh, well. Let their
producers worry about it.
456
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:41,968
(gasping)
457
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,367
No! No!
458
00:18:44,434 --> 00:18:45,734
(yells)
459
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:02,501
KING CHICKEN:
No!
460
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:08,067
My horoscope said this was
a bad day to destroy the world.
461
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:09,634
(screaming)
462
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:16,901
We still have to do something.
463
00:19:16,968 --> 00:19:18,667
The city is almost gone.
464
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:24,467
I just found this crate full
of scrumpt-dilly-icious dry ice
465
00:19:24,534 --> 00:19:25,968
in the kitchenette.
466
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:27,968
Dry ice! That's it--
I have an idea!
467
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,400
Angela, pour
the anti-Beautex on it.
468
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:39,434
Now what?
469
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:40,434
That.
470
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,267
(cheering)
471
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,267
(cheering)
472
00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:06,300
But it just goes
to show you, kids.
473
00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:07,634
Pay attention in school.
474
00:20:07,701 --> 00:20:09,801
Somewhere, in all that babbling
your teachers do,
475
00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,901
you'll learn one thing that
you can one day bring back
476
00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:13,300
and use in an appropriate itme.
477
00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:16,400
As for King Chicken, I hate to
think of the horrible effect
478
00:20:16,467 --> 00:20:18,968
all that concentrated Beautex
could have on someone,
479
00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:21,400
the gross deformities
it could cause.
480
00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:23,133
I'll get you for
this, Duckman.
481
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,367
One way or another,
I'll outsmart you.
482
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,734
(chuckles)
Impossible!
483
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,300
Oh, wait a minute.
484
00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:31,834
Almost forgot
my new amulet.
485
00:20:31,901 --> 00:20:34,934
Duckman, I'm
so proud of you.
486
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,367
Angela, I was afraid
I lost you forever.
487
00:20:37,434 --> 00:20:40,634
Before anything else happens,
before I lose you again
488
00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,567
there's something I need to say
489
00:20:42,634 --> 00:20:45,100
something I've wanted to say
for so long.
490
00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:48,234
Angela, will you marry me?
491
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,033
No.
492
00:20:58,100 --> 00:20:58,801
Huh?
493
00:20:58,868 --> 00:21:00,467
You know the Beautex slogan--
494
00:21:00,534 --> 00:21:02,567
"Because in this world
you come first"?
495
00:21:02,634 --> 00:21:04,467
The more I think
about that slogan
496
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:06,968
the less I like the person
who thought of it
497
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,234
and the sad thing is,
it was me.
498
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:12,434
So I've decided
to travel the country,
499
00:21:12,501 --> 00:21:15,267
reach out to troubled kids,
clean up playgrounds
500
00:21:15,334 --> 00:21:16,467
just try to do something
501
00:21:16,534 --> 00:21:18,400
to bring the right
kind of beauty
502
00:21:18,467 --> 00:21:21,467
to some places that haven't
seen it for a long time.
503
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,167
I'm sorry.
504
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:29,334
I hope you understand
505
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,334
and I'll be back.
506
00:21:37,968 --> 00:21:39,334
Let's go home, everyone.
507
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,901
So, since she didn't say "yes"
508
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:44,934
while she's gone,
I can date, right?
509
00:21:46,167 --> 00:21:48,734
What? I won't really
like them or anything.
510
00:21:48,801 --> 00:21:50,767
It would just be a sexual thing.
511
00:21:51,834 --> 00:21:53,734
What if I pay?!
36421
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