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1
00:00:09,334 --> 00:00:10,501
(quacks)
2
00:00:11,567 --> 00:00:13,567
( car horns honking )
3
00:00:13,634 --> 00:00:15,234
Talk about an outrage!
4
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:18,267
The FBI Raided
that business I invested in.
5
00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:20,267
You know, I wish they'd publish
some kind of guideline--
6
00:00:20,334 --> 00:00:24,067
"This is baby selling.
This is not baby selling."
7
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:25,868
Did I get any messages?
8
00:00:25,934 --> 00:00:27,234
Not including collection
agencies,
9
00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:28,901
paternity suits
and death threats.
10
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:31,634
One-- Ajax's English
teacher wants to meet
11
00:00:31,701 --> 00:00:33,167
with you at school this morning.
12
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,901
English now!
( sighs )
13
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,868
We were so hoping
that was a language
14
00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:38,501
he could learn
by the end of the year.
15
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:41,200
Ajax, Ajax, Ajax!
16
00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:43,834
Is there something
I could be doing differently?
17
00:00:43,901 --> 00:00:45,334
Well, for one thing,
that's not Ajax.
18
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,901
That's a picture of Clu Gulager
that came with the frame.
19
00:00:47,968 --> 00:00:51,133
Yeah, well, yeah,
of course it is
20
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,133
Mr. Pay-Attention-
To-Every-Little-Detail.
21
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,634
But as soon as I get
a picture of Ajax,
22
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:56,200
this is the frame
it's going in.
23
00:00:56,267 --> 00:00:58,067
The point is, kids are nothing
but heartache.
24
00:00:58,133 --> 00:01:00,100
You feed them,
you change their diapers,
25
00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:02,000
you play airplane
to get them to eat.
26
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,701
Eat your vegetables or I push!
27
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,400
But where's the payoff?
28
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,234
It wears on you, Corny,
having to drag my butt
29
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,234
down to that school
week after week
30
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:11,567
to hear the same old speech:
31
00:01:11,634 --> 00:01:12,901
"Blah, blah, blah,
underachiever,
32
00:01:12,968 --> 00:01:14,234
"Blah, blah, blah, unfit parent.
33
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,234
Blah, blah, blah,
ward of the state."
34
00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:17,567
Look on the bright side,
Duckman.
35
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,234
Maybe it'd lead to one
of those special moments
36
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:21,000
where you discover that
no other joy in life
37
00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:23,334
can possibly match that of
being a proud parent.
38
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:26,501
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
39
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,133
( automatic weapon firing )
40
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,934
Huh, seems a little quieter
than usual.
41
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,934
Bernice said they were trying
to reach out to the kids.
42
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,334
It must be working.
43
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,567
STUDENTS:
"And by the fruit stand,
melonsfull,
44
00:01:36,634 --> 00:01:39,234
The favorite ladies
pull and pull..."
45
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,400
Dad!
46
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:43,367
Aha. You must be
Mr. Duckman.
47
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:44,934
I am Daniel O'Captain.
48
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,334
I thought
this was English.
49
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,767
Shouldn't you be
conjugating nouns
or something?
50
00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:49,601
Needless shackles,
Mr. Duckman.
51
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,767
One grows tired of being
strapped to a harness
52
00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:53,434
or being bound and gagged,
53
00:01:53,501 --> 00:01:55,767
of having his feet
nailed to the ground.
54
00:01:55,834 --> 00:01:57,567
But enough
about my weekend.
55
00:01:57,634 --> 00:01:59,501
You're here
to talk about Ajax.
56
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:00,901
That's right.
Just tell me what he did.
57
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:02,834
I'll sign a form promising
if he ever does it again,
58
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:04,534
I'll sign
another form.
No, no, no.
59
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:07,300
The fact is, I encourage
each of my students
60
00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:10,701
to express his
or her individuality
61
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:12,601
to find his
or her own voice
62
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,534
by composing original poetry,
63
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,434
and I think you should
hear what Ajax wrote.
64
00:02:17,501 --> 00:02:19,834
Carpe diem, Ajax.
65
00:02:21,701 --> 00:02:23,200
DUCKMAN:
Whoa, son!
Don't jump!
66
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:25,367
Carpe down-'em, Ajax!
67
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:27,400
No, no, no,
it's all right,
Mr. Duckman.
68
00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:28,734
He's not going to jump.
69
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:30,868
I insist the kids
do that in order
70
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:32,400
to look at things in new ways,
71
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:34,901
to see things
from a new perspective.
72
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:38,234
Oh, I see.
What a fascinating method.
73
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:42,501
( cuckooing )
74
00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:43,868
Too many teachers
are content
75
00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:45,467
to have the class
simply read
76
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,901
and memorize the
words of dead poets.
77
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,767
I like to go further than that.
78
00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:52,601
I like to find out
where those poets are buried
79
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:55,534
and dig them up
and undress them and...
80
00:02:55,601 --> 00:02:57,300
I know, I know it's wrong,
81
00:02:57,367 --> 00:03:01,000
but they don't have
a 12-step program for
that kind of problem.
82
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:03,200
Go on, Ajax.
83
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,267
( inhales deeply )
84
00:03:07,334 --> 00:03:09,701
"Pizza walkers
speeding with eyes
85
00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:12,033
"That don't look good
in T-shirts,
86
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,434
Caught between butterscotch
and Sunday."
87
00:03:14,501 --> 00:03:16,868
Okay, son, turn off the meter.
88
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:18,701
Teach, could we step
outside for a minute?
89
00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:19,868
You like a little t�te-�-t�te?
90
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,801
Uh, no, thanks,
I'm straight.
91
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,701
I just hope you realize
the position I'm in.
92
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:26,734
If you get mad at a friend,
you don't call him for a while.
93
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:28,400
An employee messes up,
you can him.
94
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:29,934
A girlfriend leaves you
for another woman,
95
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,267
you ask if you can watch.
96
00:03:31,334 --> 00:03:33,267
But a son? I mean
when your own flesh and blood
97
00:03:33,334 --> 00:03:35,267
turns out to have the I.Q.
of a weed whacker,
98
00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:36,934
there's only one thing
a father can do.
99
00:03:37,033 --> 00:03:38,367
Blame the mother,
who in this case,
100
00:03:38,434 --> 00:03:40,033
is dead
and can't defend herself.
101
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,968
There's no need to blame anyone,
Mr. Duckman.
102
00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:45,267
I like your son's poetry.
103
00:03:45,334 --> 00:03:47,901
It's fresh. It's original.
It's creative.
104
00:03:47,968 --> 00:03:50,734
The truth is, Ajax is a savant.
105
00:03:50,801 --> 00:03:52,901
Look, that's about enough
with the name-calling,
106
00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:54,100
mon crappy-tan!
107
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,467
Being a savant is
a good thing, Mr. Duckman.
108
00:03:56,534 --> 00:03:59,901
Ajax has a muse inside of him
straining to escape,
109
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,901
and he's going to let it
tonight.
110
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:06,000
It's open mike night at apublic poetry reading spot.
111
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:09,133
I know he'd love itif you'd come.
112
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,734
Son, just stand tall,
be yourself and remember,
113
00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:13,667
no matter what
happens in there,
114
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:15,334
we're very
proud of you.
115
00:04:21,801 --> 00:04:23,734
What I don't know
from poetry,
116
00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:26,334
I know from potatoes,
and these are cold.
117
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,334
That's not potatoes.
118
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:29,033
What?
119
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,067
That's not potatoes!
120
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:32,334
That's butter!
121
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,501
Tastes like potatoes.
122
00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:34,501
What does?
123
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:35,934
What does what?
124
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,133
Waiter, I'd like
a little more fresca.
125
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,133
I'm not the waiter!
126
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,067
What's the matter?
You too good?
127
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:43,434
You better than me,
you murdering Nazi?!
128
00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:44,901
Sophie, give me a gun.
129
00:04:44,968 --> 00:04:46,234
What gun?
130
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:48,234
I got a purse
full of depends.
131
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:49,534
Ah!
132
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:50,601
Oop!
133
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:52,734
Unless Ajax's poems
134
00:04:52,801 --> 00:04:54,834
are about blood clots
and sensible shoes
135
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:57,467
I think we're about to be
publicly embarrassed.
136
00:04:57,534 --> 00:04:58,801
MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,
137
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,767
your host for Kolchnik's
Beat Poetry Night,
138
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,334
Shecky Borscht.
139
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,167
( toilet flushing )
140
00:05:05,234 --> 00:05:07,834
Thanks for
that underwhelming reception.
141
00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:10,767
I know you're afraid to clap;
it throws off your pacemakers.
142
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,067
Wake up, folks.
143
00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:14,868
I laughed when you came in
with the funny clothes.
144
00:05:14,934 --> 00:05:17,067
Well, welcome to Poetry Night
at Kolchnik's.
145
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:18,734
Kolchnik, by the way,
is Polish
146
00:05:18,801 --> 00:05:20,534
for "health code violation."
( chuckles )
147
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:21,901
I'm dying here.
148
00:05:21,968 --> 00:05:24,467
My favorite poet, Nipsy Russell,
can't be here tonight.
149
00:05:24,534 --> 00:05:26,434
He has a cross burning
on his lawn.
150
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:28,367
In Bel-Air, they schedule it
in advance
151
00:05:28,434 --> 00:05:29,834
so you can get a sitter
for your money.
152
00:05:29,901 --> 00:05:32,200
Two, three...
153
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:33,968
Wow. Still pushing
the envelope.
154
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,968
Look, everyone,
I don't care how embarrassing
155
00:05:36,033 --> 00:05:38,501
this turns out to be, this is
an important night for Ajax.
156
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,667
He's getting a chance to learn
the value of being content
157
00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:42,100
with never achieving
anything.
158
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,601
Here we go, our first victim,
uh, da... p-p...
159
00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:46,868
...poet. Now let's make him
feel at home, shall we?
160
00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:50,267
Maybe he'll pull out
his Longfellow.
161
00:05:50,334 --> 00:05:52,634
But, seriously,
ladies and germs...
162
00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:53,801
Ajax.
163
00:05:53,868 --> 00:05:56,167
( toilet flushing )
164
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,901
( lively chatter )
165
00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:05,701
( clearing throat )
166
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,434
( chattering stops )
167
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:11,167
( chattering resumes,Ajax breathes deeply )
168
00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:14,167
"Walking up the slide
and sliding down,
169
00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:19,868
"Choco-free and vanilla latte
for sandman exercise.
170
00:06:19,934 --> 00:06:21,267
"What lasagna?
171
00:06:21,334 --> 00:06:23,200
"That lasagna.
172
00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:25,300
"Ever searching free to midland,
173
00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:26,934
"Are you sure what socks
are saying
174
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,434
"Magic soaked
in endless enzyme com-bot?
175
00:06:30,501 --> 00:06:32,801
Painted."
176
00:06:33,901 --> 00:06:35,701
( chattering stops )
177
00:06:38,868 --> 00:06:46,601
( patrons applaudingand cheering )
178
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:55,300
( conversations buzzing )
179
00:06:57,901 --> 00:07:00,634
DUCKMAN:
Hey, LeBeau, we've been
here for two hours.
180
00:07:00,701 --> 00:07:01,934
That's my son in there!
181
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,133
Like, I don't care
if that's you in there,
182
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,400
and we're all molecules
on your fingertips.
183
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:07,634
And instead of cars,
184
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:10,100
we drive around in little
motorized molecule cars.
185
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,200
And instead of...
Maynard, come back to us.
186
00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:14,334
Ajax has become the biggest
thing in the beatnik crowd
187
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,667
since armpit hair
on women.
188
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:17,167
And until you
find us a table,
189
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:18,968
I'm going to stand
right here...
190
00:07:19,033 --> 00:07:21,067
Aah! Ohh!
191
00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:22,734
Or I could lie down...
192
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:24,067
over here.
193
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,067
Ohh!
194
00:07:26,133 --> 00:07:27,267
( women giggling )
195
00:07:27,334 --> 00:07:29,400
Put the marketing figures
with the research figures
196
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,267
and the ad figures with
the accounting figures.
197
00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:33,067
Then give me the figures
on how much time you think
it took to crunch those figures.
198
00:07:34,667 --> 00:07:35,667
BERNICE:
Hey!
199
00:07:35,734 --> 00:07:37,167
We were here first!
200
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,501
Maybe next show
201
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,501
when you've cleared the fog
from your consciousness.
202
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:43,200
I'll tell you what's
fogging my consciousness.
203
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,033
I have been cooling
my fogging heels
204
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,200
for two fogging hours,
205
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:47,868
looking at your
stupid fogging face
206
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:50,200
and soaking up your
snobby fogging attitude.
207
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:52,801
Now, if you don't find us
a fogging place to sit,
208
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:55,167
I am going to rip out
your fogging spleen
209
00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:56,868
and shove it down
your fogging throat!
210
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,534
So move your fogging butt
211
00:07:58,601 --> 00:08:02,400
and fogging get us a fogging
table right fogging now!
212
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:04,434
( gulps )
213
00:08:04,501 --> 00:08:06,734
Uh, this way, please.
214
00:08:06,801 --> 00:08:08,501
Whew!
215
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:12,267
And don't you forget it.
216
00:08:12,334 --> 00:08:14,267
( lively chatter )
217
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:22,367
Greetings,
fellow stanzaniac.
218
00:08:22,434 --> 00:08:25,367
( sustained yelling )
( saxophone playing )
219
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,000
( yelling stops )
( music stops )
220
00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,000
( smatter of applause )
221
00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:37,300
That was Claypool and Rufus
222
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:40,033
doing "Saxophone
and Some Screaming #6."
223
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,467
And now, cats and kittens,
224
00:08:41,534 --> 00:08:43,534
here at last to expand
your gray matter
225
00:08:43,601 --> 00:08:45,767
is that young talent
you all came to hear.
226
00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:48,868
Smack them together and
make this a Digable Planet
227
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:50,767
for Ajax.
228
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,767
( light applause and cheers )
229
00:08:56,501 --> 00:09:00,567
"Lob, bedside, bright, careful.
230
00:09:00,634 --> 00:09:03,901
"Closing closet,
clothing shoehorn.
231
00:09:03,968 --> 00:09:05,968
"Salad dropping,
232
00:09:06,033 --> 00:09:08,567
"Topping, alive...
233
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:13,701
"Seven, seven,
slowly sifting careful.
234
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,667
"Polish Papa did
235
00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:18,067
"Drift, drift.
236
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:21,767
"Dancing ice
in enameled chowder
237
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:23,100
Did."
238
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,667
( wild applause and cheers )
239
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:31,167
Whoo-hoo!
240
00:09:31,234 --> 00:09:32,367
( grunts )
241
00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:34,534
Go, baby, go.
242
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,100
What can I say?
243
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:37,434
I'm a sucker
for love poems.
244
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:38,667
Love poem?
245
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:40,167
It didn't even have
the word "wept" in it.
246
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:43,968
Duckman, Daddy-O,
you have ears but cannot hear.
247
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,767
Actually,
you don't have ears.
248
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:47,100
He's coming back on.
249
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:48,767
No, wait,
this is really creepy.
250
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:51,033
How do you hear?
What holds your glasses on?
251
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,367
Never mind
about the ears.
252
00:09:52,434 --> 00:09:53,701
Really. I've never
seen that before.
253
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,534
Hey, guys, you
ever seen anyone
without ears before?
254
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:57,868
( crowd murmuring )
Those are weird.
255
00:09:57,934 --> 00:09:59,868
( Duckman mumbling )
256
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:00,901
Ooh!
257
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,234
Beautiful poetry, huh?
258
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,400
Really stirs you up inside.
259
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:05,234
Ajax's father, right?
260
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,501
Let's interface.
261
00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:09,667
You! You line-cutting,
limo-lounging litter box!
262
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,167
I'm going to rearrange
your interface! I'll...
263
00:10:12,234 --> 00:10:13,667
I'm going to make you rich.
264
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:16,167
...teach you to
consider me a friend.
265
00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:17,534
Nay, as more
than a friend--
266
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:18,567
a slave.
267
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,067
Yes, and he is my son.
268
00:10:20,133 --> 00:10:21,667
Light of my life,
fire of my loins.
269
00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:22,901
Sprout of my mighty tree.
270
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:25,000
Stop drooling on my Bally's.
271
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,801
Barry Brittle, creative V.P.,
Watermark Greeting Cards,
272
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:30,634
a wholly owned subsidiary
of Mega-Gel Chemical Death Corp.
273
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,200
Name's Duckman.
Duckman with a "D",
274
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:34,200
as in de-lighted
to make your
acquaintance.
275
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,634
What say we get
to know each other
276
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,567
at my favorite watering
hole, Melons Mania?
277
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:39,167
Tonight's Grab Two
for the Price
of One Night.
278
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:40,567
Not interested. I'm gay.
279
00:10:40,634 --> 00:10:41,667
Well, in that case,
we can have
280
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:42,834
a few umbrella drinks
at the Fern Bar.
281
00:10:42,901 --> 00:10:43,834
Down, Duck.
282
00:10:43,901 --> 00:10:45,767
I don't practice homosexuality.
283
00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:47,767
I just use the gay label
as an accessory.
284
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:48,968
Studies indicate it makes me
285
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:50,567
demographically attractive
to my employers,
286
00:10:50,634 --> 00:10:53,367
putting me first in line for any
affirmative action promotions.
287
00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:57,133
My first ten years
at the company, I was black.
288
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,100
I sense your ability to
concentrate is limited,
289
00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:00,534
so let's bottom-line this.
290
00:11:00,601 --> 00:11:03,968
I think your son's poetry
would make great greeting cards.
291
00:11:04,033 --> 00:11:06,267
Sure, if you celebrate
mumbo-jumbo day.
292
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,634
Oops. Was that out loud?
293
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,067
I've got a long-term contract
here.
294
00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:12,734
I had it put on big
cartoony scroll paper
295
00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:15,634
with an outlandishly large
gold seal because research shows
296
00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:17,634
simple minds
are impressed with
this sort of thing.
297
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:19,133
It worked! I'll sign.
298
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,133
Shrewd negotiator.
299
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,367
Call me tomorrow,
300
00:11:21,434 --> 00:11:24,367
and we'll put that young
genius of yours to work.
301
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,968
Yippie! Yee-ha! Wa-hoo!
302
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:28,567
We're going to be
rich, rich, rich!
303
00:11:28,634 --> 00:11:31,400
Flushola!
Nipple-deep in greenbacks!
304
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:36,133
And, of-of course,
Ajax gets to express
his deepest feelings
305
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,033
through his art
to an eager world.
306
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:04,300
BARRY ( laughing ):
Boy wonder, welcome aboard.
307
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:05,834
Love your work.
Marvelous stuff.
308
00:12:05,901 --> 00:12:07,300
Unique, piercing,
insightful.
309
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,400
You bring something
special to Watermark.
310
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,901
In a nutshell,
you bring you.
311
00:12:10,968 --> 00:12:12,334
And here's
some research
312
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,901
to help you
mold the you
that you bring.
313
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,033
Research?
314
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,534
Good, good. The ability
to mindlessly repeat
315
00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:20,634
a superior's
key words
is a must.
316
00:12:20,701 --> 00:12:24,133
This graph shows that 98.9%
of all households have toasters,
317
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,567
so try to work a toaster
into your poems.
318
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:28,567
A toaster?
319
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:30,100
Exactly People like to read
320
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,100
about things they know,
things they can identify with.
321
00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:34,100
No one likes to read
322
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:35,801
about places
they've never been
323
00:12:35,868 --> 00:12:37,300
things they've
never seen.
324
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:38,968
What about
The Wizard of Oz?
325
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,801
I don't know what
he likes to read.
326
00:12:40,868 --> 00:12:43,968
( chuckling )
Now, seriously, you
don't read movies.
327
00:12:44,033 --> 00:12:45,133
Stay with me, bubbie.
328
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,868
The chart tells us that
the two items
329
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,467
most often purchased by people
330
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,000
are the toothbrush
and the comb.
331
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,934
Try to work a few
of them in, too.
332
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,767
Oh, yeah, and make 'em rhyme.
333
00:12:53,834 --> 00:12:56,634
Research shows people
get nervous if a poem
doesn't rhyme.
334
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,434
But you said you like my poems.
335
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:00,133
Why do you want me
to change them?
336
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,033
Change? Please.
337
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:03,868
A haircut, a nip,
a tweak, a tuck.
338
00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:05,901
Remember, we want you
to do what you do.
339
00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:07,400
We just want
you to do it
340
00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:09,100
in a completely
different way.
341
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:43,200
DUCKMAN:
Yippie-yi-ki-yay!
342
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:45,801
And all because my son's
churning out art for the masses.
343
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,367
It worries me, Duckman.
344
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:50,033
Ajax could fall victim to that
all-too-common phenomenon
345
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:53,234
whereby something truly original
is bastardized and homogenized
346
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,400
in a coldly, calculated attempt
to find appeal among the masses,
347
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,701
thus snuffing out
any spark of creativity,
348
00:13:58,767 --> 00:14:01,267
leaving the artist frustrated
and the public deprived.
349
00:14:01,334 --> 00:14:04,067
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You raised
some valid points, Corny.
350
00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:08,267
( cuckooing )
351
00:14:08,334 --> 00:14:10,000
But I know my son,
352
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:12,567
and I'm sure he's
thrilled with the job.
353
00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:18,367
Machine's hungry, kid.
Got any fresh meat?
354
00:14:18,434 --> 00:14:22,868
"Toaster, toothbrush, comb,
I just want to go home."
355
00:14:22,934 --> 00:14:24,868
Perfect. Hits all the bases.
356
00:14:24,934 --> 00:14:26,200
You like it?
357
00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:27,234
How should I know?
358
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,501
I'm the only one
who's read it.
359
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:29,901
We'll send it to R&D.
360
00:14:29,968 --> 00:14:31,467
They'll sample it, we'll
get the test results back.
361
00:14:31,534 --> 00:14:32,968
Then I'll tell you
how it made me feel.
362
00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:36,300
Mr. Brittle, I appreciate
everything you've done for me,
363
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:39,133
but my poems
don't feel like me anymore.
364
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,601
I have to quit.
365
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:43,133
( laughing )
366
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,000
Quit? You can't quit.
You're irreplaceable.
367
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:47,834
But that doesn't mean
you can't be replaced.
368
00:14:47,901 --> 00:14:49,434
I made you. I own you.
369
00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:50,734
Before I came along,
370
00:14:50,801 --> 00:14:52,334
you were just another kid
named after a cleanser.
371
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,200
And more important,
I own your family.
372
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,701
Your father signed a contract,
and if you try to break it,
373
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:58,634
we'll take his home,
his car, his business
374
00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:00,834
and all the pretty things
he's bought with your money.
375
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,334
We'll put your family
in the street.
376
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,534
You'd do that? But why?
377
00:15:04,601 --> 00:15:05,834
What do you need me for?
378
00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:07,234
You could do this.
379
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:09,267
Probably. Anyone can write.
380
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:12,067
Unfortunately, I have
proxiglossoriasis--
a rare disease
381
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:14,167
where occasionally
instead of the word
I mean to say,
382
00:15:14,234 --> 00:15:16,400
I'd say the next word
in the dictionary.
383
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:17,567
Now you keep writing,
384
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:19,000
or you and your
whole family
385
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:23,000
are going to be in
big, big trough.
386
00:15:25,501 --> 00:15:27,701
I can't get my family
387
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:29,767
in big, big trough.
388
00:15:33,901 --> 00:15:35,334
( yelling )
389
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,767
( burps )
390
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:38,100
Phew! ( sighs )
391
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:41,801
Got to stop those late-night
butter brickle knishes.
392
00:15:41,868 --> 00:15:44,234
Maybe a bromo
and a falafel would help.
393
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:45,601
( kissing )
394
00:15:54,534 --> 00:15:57,133
"Warm hugs
straightened my ear muffs
395
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,434
And got me through
metal detector mornings."
396
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,100
Ajax. Son.
397
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,667
Are you okay?
398
00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:31,400
I was just wondering--
399
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:34,534
is what I'm doing making
you and the family happy?
400
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:36,801
Are you kidding? Thanks
to you and your poetry,
401
00:16:36,868 --> 00:16:39,567
we got more stuff now
than we could shake a spear at.
402
00:16:39,634 --> 00:16:41,334
( sighing )
403
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,367
Huh. Something is wrong,
isn't it, son?
404
00:16:45,434 --> 00:16:46,901
Is it the job?
405
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,567
Isn't it everything
you wanted it to be?
406
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:50,834
Well, no.
407
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:53,133
No? Why didn't you
tell me sooner?
408
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,501
I'm your dad. I want to know
these things so I can fix them.
409
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:56,667
You can fix this?
410
00:16:56,734 --> 00:16:58,133
Of course I can.
411
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,701
It's no good
if you're not happy.
412
00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:01,834
Thanks, Dad.
413
00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:03,367
I should have known
you'd help me.
414
00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:05,234
Don't give it
another thought, son.
415
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,701
I know exactly
what needs to be done.
416
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:07,934
First thing tomorrow,
417
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,267
I'm going to march
into Barry's office
418
00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:11,133
and demand that
he does the right thing.
419
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,534
Trust me.
420
00:17:12,601 --> 00:17:14,801
The boy isn't getting
what he wants out of this job.
421
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:15,801
And as his father,
422
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,434
I've come down here to tell you
423
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,367
there's only one thing to do--
424
00:17:19,434 --> 00:17:21,534
put a big jar of M&Ms
on his desk-- just green ones--
425
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:24,567
some PEZ dispensers--
assorted characters--
and some pickup sticks.
426
00:17:24,634 --> 00:17:26,200
I don't think so.
427
00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:28,534
Okay. Forget
the pickup sticks.
428
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:29,701
That was for me.
429
00:17:29,767 --> 00:17:31,968
Barry, baby,
the kid's not happy,
430
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,634
and when he's not happy,
take it from his pappy,
431
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,534
the poems get crappy.
432
00:17:36,601 --> 00:17:37,868
Hey, not bad.
433
00:17:37,934 --> 00:17:39,601
No wonder the kid's
such a natural.
434
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,734
Listen...
Duck-a-Tollah,
435
00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:45,501
getting what you want from a job
is a quaint notion,
436
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:47,601
but he has to understand
the artistic benefits
437
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,300
of research and development.
438
00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:51,901
Perhaps if you saw
what I'm talking about.
439
00:17:55,801 --> 00:17:58,033
Um, would you turn around?
440
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:01,133
New sphincter-scan
security device.
( unzips pants )
441
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:05,501
( moans ) You can
turn back now.
442
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:12,067
Hey, Bar',
pretty sweet.
443
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,234
Your own hard-
to-get-to rec room
444
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,567
for watching
those special-order videos
445
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:16,067
without kids walking in
and catching you with your...
446
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:18,100
Quiet! Have you
no sense of awe?
447
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:19,767
This is it, where
all is answered
448
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,400
where the divine becomes real.
449
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,601
Down here, you whisper.
450
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,434
( gulps )
451
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:27,834
In this room, we gather,
collate and track
452
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:29,501
all the research data.
453
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,901
And over here, the object
of our most devout worship--
454
00:18:31,968 --> 00:18:35,467
a focus group,
made up of ordinary consumers.
455
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:40,367
( slurping )
456
00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:42,334
( playing random notes )
457
00:18:43,734 --> 00:18:44,801
Interesting cross-section.
458
00:18:44,868 --> 00:18:46,334
No wonder
your products are so good.
459
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,667
Isn't it beautiful?
460
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:49,033
They're testing
our new line
461
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,901
of short-attention-span
greeting cards.
462
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,801
Mm-hmm.
463
00:18:52,868 --> 00:18:55,234
And these monitors are hooked up
to major trailer parks
464
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,467
around the country.
465
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:58,901
What better place to learn
what America wants?
466
00:18:58,968 --> 00:19:00,367
( yawning ):
Uh-huh.
467
00:19:00,434 --> 00:19:01,968
Oops. Sorry.
468
00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:04,634
( beeping )
469
00:19:04,701 --> 00:19:05,634
( electrical crackling )
470
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,701
( yelling )
471
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:15,067
( explosions )
472
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,501
No! What have you done?
473
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:19,334
Our life blood stopped pumping.
474
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,067
( electrical frizzing )
Wow. Me and supercomputers, huh?
475
00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:23,300
What am I gonna do?
476
00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:25,067
If we don't move ahead
with this project today,
477
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,367
it'll never make the shelves
478
00:19:26,434 --> 00:19:29,033
in time for all those
fabricated special occasions
479
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,567
we managed to establish
as cultural doctrine!
480
00:19:31,634 --> 00:19:32,767
Then approve the project.
481
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:33,901
You like it, right?
482
00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:34,901
Then it's simple.
483
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:36,400
Just trust the artist
to have the talent
484
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:37,734
and emotional connection
with the audience
485
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,167
you must've thought he had
when you hired him.
486
00:19:39,234 --> 00:19:40,601
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
487
00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:43,334
I really value your input...
488
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,901
( cuckooing )
489
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:49,901
But I think
I'll consult... the book.
490
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:54,601
Hmm... making decisions,
making decisions... aha!
491
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:56,000
"Rule number one:
492
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:59,133
"When in doubt, say no,
because if it fails--
493
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,834
and remember, it always could--
it'll be your butt."
494
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,133
I'll do it.
495
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,300
I'll hew to the most
noble tradition
496
00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:07,901
in American corporate life.
497
00:20:07,968 --> 00:20:09,367
I vow from this moment on,
498
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:12,534
not to say yes to anything
new or original ever again,
499
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:13,834
meaning this possibly
500
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:17,200
fresh and imaginative
project is...
501
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,767
histrionic.
502
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,534
Proxiglossoriasis, huh?
503
00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:22,667
Well, that's behind us,
let's get back
504
00:20:22,734 --> 00:20:24,767
to the important stuff--
my son, Ajax.
505
00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:27,267
It's his project that I cancel,
Huh?
506
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:29,234
and he's gone with it.
507
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:30,801
( yelling )
508
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:33,934
( Duckman panting )
509
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,000
Hey, I'm getting better
at tucking and rolling
510
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:37,667
when I'm thrown out
of buildings.
511
00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:40,501
How will I tell Ajax
I got him fired?
512
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:44,100
Ajax, I... I got
something to tell you
513
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:45,634
about what
happened today.
514
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:49,133
Dad, before you say anything,
I want to thank you.
515
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,767
You said you'd get me out
of that job, and you did.
516
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:52,968
I did?
517
00:20:53,033 --> 00:20:54,801
I-I-I mean, right,
right, right.
518
00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:56,300
Of course I did.
Like I was saying,
519
00:20:56,367 --> 00:20:57,968
I'm sorry I didn't
lay down the law
520
00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,467
with that double-breasted
dimwit earlier.
521
00:20:59,534 --> 00:21:01,567
You're the best dad
in the world.
522
00:21:01,634 --> 00:21:02,801
Thanks, son.
523
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:04,267
I guess it proves
524
00:21:04,334 --> 00:21:06,868
there's only one thing in life
that's really important.
525
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,200
What's that, dad?
526
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:11,934
I have no idea, son.
527
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,100
No idea at all.
528
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:16,100
Maybe we could ask
a focus group.
529
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,067
( both laughing )
530
00:21:28,634 --> 00:21:31,267
"Warm hugs
straightened my ear muffs
531
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:33,968
"And got me through
metal detector mornings,
532
00:21:34,033 --> 00:21:36,734
"And if never
to be seen again,
533
00:21:36,801 --> 00:21:38,734
You're in my air."
534
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:41,100
Ah! That's beautiful.
535
00:21:44,467 --> 00:21:45,901
( birds twittering )
39391
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